2013…It’s been a strange year for me so far.  In January I took off for California and Hawaii. First a visit with my daughter and her family and then off to speaking at a special client conference (and I got to stay for a week.) A week away and alone made me realize how much I needed some downtime. It was a good start. Just as I was starting to wind down, it was time to go.

Coming home I was faced again with the reality I left – my 93 year old Mother was in failing health and she was getting tired. Proudly working until she was 91 years old, we always thought she might live to be a 100, but after a bout with pneumonia which included the hospital and rehab during the holidays, she began to get tired.

In early March she passed peacefully at home after visiting with her family.  She was a big presence in my life and now as I sort through feelings and deal with grief, I am in the process of re-creating who I am moving forward

Usually, at the beginning of any year, most of us  are working on our goals, listing our specific desired outcomes, listing our time frames, making our project plans and enthusiastically creating our plans for getting thing done. Great stuff but this year I didn’t’ do any of it.

But getting stuff done is only part of the equation for a Positive Leader. In addition to the “to-do’s” we want to think about the “to-BE’s”.  I began my list of to -BE’s while enjoying the Maui landscapes and now I am revisiting them as I walk on the beach here in the spring in FL. My to-do’s will eventually flow from these.

I ask myself these questions: What do you want to BE this year? How do you want to show up? What attitudes do you want to embody? What kind of energy do you want to carry?

Upon reflection (you know how important that is by now, so remember to take some “time in.”) here are some of my BE-attitudes so far.  My intention is that they inspire you to list yours  (right next to your goals and “to-do’s”.)
I intend to:

• BE awake – to the possibilities and opportunities that exist everywhere even in unexpected places
• BE present – to live in the moment, to pay attention, to be mindful
• BE kind – to myself and others in all situations
• BE grateful – to look for things to appreciate everywhere
• BE creative – and open to new ideas, color outside the lines
• BE focused – on my goals and outcomes but not attached to them
• BE organized – in my thinking and in my physical environment so I can accomplish more with less effort
• BE my “Best Edited Self”- to think more before I open my mouth and learn to speak more concisely so I can talk less and listen more
• BE on purpose – deliberate, intentional, aligned with what I want
• BE real – be truthful and genuine
• BE intuitive – to listen deeply, beyond the words
• BE curious – to let go of pre-judgments and learn the art of wondering
• BE reverent – to walk lighter on the earth
• BE loving – to choose love and spread love
• BE adventurous and try some new things
• BE positive – to put in active practice all that I teach, to have a bias for the affirmative, looking for the good and the gift everywhere
• BE bolder – embody my Mom’s trailblazing energy
• BE trusting – that the Universe has a plan for me and that whatever happens is in alignment with that plan

Wow! That’s quite a list. I could keep writing but I think I will stop here for now. I know this for sure – I want to walk forward in my life expecting miracles every day. It’s all in the way you see things!

JoAnna

PS I’ve shared mine – now how about you? Will you share yours? In the spirit of MasterMinding, share and support your dreams – who will go next?

To see my Wisdom Laughter Healing post of grieving if you have not clicked through above, you can click here

Building the “Positivity muscle” requires a little work.  In the very same way that you might build more stamina with sit-ups or build your biceps with weights you can strengthen your ability to notice and feel more positivity with the discipline of what I call the “Appreciation Audit”.

Three to five times during the day, stop what you are doing and think about/write down 3- 5 things that you appreciate. (If you do this during meal and snack times it gets really easy to remember.)

I like to use a journal or a list that is dedicated to this activity. You can keep track of the things you appreciate on your smartphone or computer if you don’t want to use paper. If you have a recording device on your phone you can speak your appreciation out loud. (“Siri – right now I am appreciating the cool breeze coming in the window and the smell of spring in the air – put it on my list!)

Breathe deeply in and out from your heart as you do this practice and allow the good feelings to spread in your body. Enjoy this moment of being in-joy.

Over time using this practice, you will build your capacity for joy and more easily find things to appreciate as you create stronger neural pathways for appreciation and joy.

When you are looking to raise your positivity ratio, this is a great way the build the muscle. Happiness IS a muscle.

We now know that when we can activate a positive emotion deliberately it has just as much power as when it happens spontaneously.  Positive emotions produce the chemistry of calm, the chemistry of joy, the chemistry of healing inside our bodies. I get excited when I think that I can deliberately cause myself well being, and through a series of habits or practices rev up my immune system, broaden and expand my creativity, an improve my memory and I don’t have to purchase a single vitamin to do it!

When I first started studying Positive Psychology I learned one of Marty Seligman’s favorite “evidence based” exercises called “Three Blessings and Why”. I was one of his coaching students we were to do the exercise every night before bed and to leave our selves thinking about something that had blessed our day and why it happened. We were to report back results to our learning “pods” and discuss results and benefits of doing it. The evidence on this exercise tells us that inside of just a few weeks of this practice (and sometime within a few days) happiness levels get and stay elevated as reported by the people doing the exercise.

Going to gratitude and appreciation changes our “vibes” and our heart rate variability. Sitting for just a few moments in these high vibration emotions sink us into our hearts and help us find coherence in all our organs as we align to the higher and healthier vibration.  When we do this practice at night we are reviewing the day and looking at the goodness that occured that day and focusing our attention on it – even adding some detail. This creates new neural pathways in the brain and makes it easier to feel positive emotion in the future.

So check out this easy practice and make a commitment to try it for 2 weeks. (I changed the name slightly when I began using it in work situations.) In the office I call it the “Three Good Things and Why” Exercise.

At the end of each day, stop for a few moments and reflect on your day. Sort through all the positive things that have happened. Choose three good things that happened, write them down and ask yourself  “Why.” You’ll discover interesting things about what makes you happy. As you continue the practice you may wish to amplify the goodness by reflecting on it for a few moments and jotting down those thoughts as well.

You can share the things you’ve written or keep them to yourself. You can do it at the end of your workday AND right before bed if you’d like. You can do it at dinner with the family. You can share it with friends . It has been proven that consistently doing this exercise WILL raise your level of happiness.

Right now, let’s stop and think about the last 24 hours, do a quick review of all the good things that happened, and reflect on why. Jot them down.

1.

2.

3.

TIP: You can do a business version of this by asking the same question at a meeting. Ask everyone to list 3 Good Things that happened at work and why. It will teach you a lot about building and sustaining a positive workplace. And it will teach you a lot about your team mates.

Do you remember the last time you bought a car? If you knew the kind of car you wanted to buy, you may have noticed a strange thing happened. Let’s say you wanted to buy a red Jeep. From the time you started thinking about it until after the time you bought it, it’s likely you saw red Jeeps all over the place!

Were there really more red Jeeps on the road? No, but since there is a part of your brain – the Reticular Activating System – that acts like a search engine to help you find what you are looking for – you were able to notice more of the red Jeeps (or yellow Volkswagens or blue BMW’s).

You can use that very same part of your brain deliberately to help set yourself up for a successful day, month, year and life. When you say the words “I intend” with conviction and determination, you activate a force that is as powerful as gravity (but just as unseen). “Today I intend to be positive. Today I intend to be kind. Today I intend to stay focused. Today I intend to complete my project.”  You get the picture.

So the process begins with using the power of Intention to state what you choose.

Then, write it down and  say it out loud. Both actions tell your brain you are serious about this. Try looking in the mirror while speaking it aloud – say it with passion and purpose!

—Focus on intention through the day. I like writing my intentions on index cards so I can carry them with me. You can use paper or an electronic device to keep your intentions handy. Check in once an hour, or when you refresh your beverage, or get a meal.

—Use “How?” and “What?” questions to go deeper. “How might I find more things to appreciate?” “What actions can I take to be more positive?” “How can I discover more ways to be kind?” These kind of questions stimulate your brain to seek answers.

Oh yes, and using a body posture like the one in the picture will help activate the success chemicals in your body and set you on the road for victory! Raise your arms and state your intention out loud – it’s a powerful message to your brain.

Go ahead, practice it now.

I Intend _______________________________________________

I Intend _______________________________________________

I Intend _______________________________________________

Years ago I had a wonderful coach – a colleague and friend that agreed he would work with me after the shock of 9/11 which came shortly after I’d lost my father. He was a gift. The lessons I learned with him stuck, and I’m still practicing them, with the intention of being more masterful in my own life.

Having grown up, as many in my generation, very close to tough, hard-working immigrant roots I incorporated into my early belief systems critical, punitive and often less than kind self- talk.

As the oldest child a lot was expected of me. Early on I became an over-achiever, and began to set my own standards high and expect a lot from myself. In the past, before I knew how destructive the habit could become, I had a tendency to only compare myself to those who were more accomplished or smarter than I. So, I frequently suffered from feelings of inadequacy and depression.

As you might imagine, that makes it hard to be creative. Being creative in service of what my clients need is what I do, and do best, and so I had a problem.  My coach could hear it clearly. The voices of inadequacy and criticism in my head were so loud they were disempowering and sometimes disabling me.

Now I understand why. Gallup research has found that when someone focuses on our  weaknesses, our performance goes down 26.8%. That’s because a focus on “not good enough” usually causes a negative emotion. Negative emotions cause a narrowing of brain function in the reptilian brain so we can see more of “what’s wrong”. That tosses us into a negative spiral that’s really tough to get out of. I think it goes even further when that “someone” is yourself.

This was a habit that had to be changed if I was to get myself on the path to positivity and to success. After all, I did a lot of motivational speaking so I really needed to know how to break the habits that pulled me down and teach others to do the same.

Early on in my relationship with my coach he came up with a “code” phrase that we used when he observed me moving into that negative behavior pattern.

He asked me simply, “If you had a new puppy and wanted to train that puppy to be a loving pet, would you beat him when he did something wrong or would you reinforce him with love and treats when he did something right?”

As I recall I felt I would definitely be on the “love and treats” track.

“Then how,” he asked, “can you beat yourself up so mercilessly when you don’t measure up to who you think you should be?”

That stopped me in my tracks – the first time he asked me the question and every time he used the phrase, “Don’t beat the puppy.”

As the years go on, my self-talk gets cleaner, more positive and more supporting. I move from judgment and criticism (of myself and others) to understanding and appreciation. That adds to my Positivity Ratio and my overall happiness.

I understand now that I have to be a parent to my own happiness, and beating myself up is not getting me where I want to go. I didn’t do that to my child, didn’t do that to pets and didn’t do that to anyone else I loved in my life. Only me. Even though years have passed since I learned that lesson, sometimes my brain takes me down the old neural pathways into my old habits and old self.

Tonight, while taking a walk at the beach, I had some thought that threw me backwards into criticism and was about to toss me into a negative spiral, when I heard myself say out loud, “Don’t beat the puppy JoAnna, don’t beat the puppy.”

And so I paused, took a deep breath and long noisy exhale and thought that perhaps it’s time to train this puppy to do some cool new things.

My daughter, who lives on the west coast, just celebrated one of those milestone birthdays.  Instead of me flying to her this year, she wanted to go home to NY and celebrate with family. So she and her family flew out and I flew up from FL and we met at my Mom’s.

We had a lovely week. Four generations of strong, proud, smart women – the youngest being 4 (going on 17) made for a week of opportunity to practice love, patience and positivity. There were a lot of smiles, some great stories and a few adventures. Once again I got to see what a good man my daughter married.  It’s almost like having Buddha around to help me keep my perspective. I am so grateful for his calm, even presence.

After they left to fly home, I left to do a workshop in Colorado – and being there was perfect! The cooler crisp air, the clear sunshine and the opportunity to work with a dedicated, smart and motivated team of people left me with a ‘Rocky Mountain High’ kind of feeling as my plane lifted off the ground.  (It helped when the gracious Southwest airlines flight attendant brought me a glass of wine anyway even though my coupon was expired.)

I think it began then.

I started making a list of all the things I was grateful for. The trip was not perfect, I’d had some physical challenges and wasn’t feeling my best the whole time – but even in that I found gratitude.  I was grateful to discover that my body pushed back when I pushed myself too hard. I was grateful to discover how people cared. I was grateful to feel the concern of people who loved me and the strangers to whom I turned for help.

I was grateful that my wonderful sister helped me out with the party and brought food and toys for the kids to play with, grateful to the people who planned the party, grateful to my daughter’s dad for the Yankees game, grateful to my brother and sister in law for a big old fashioned family dinner.

When I got home I continued the list and stayed in the glow of grateful.

It’s interesting to see what happens when you allow yourself that feeling. Going deeply into gratitude changes your biochemistry, your brain waves and your heart rate variability. Going deeply into gratitude bathes you in a vibration of positivity.

I’ve had two more speeches to do this week and both went exceptionally well. My buoyancy was evident and contagious.

As the week goes on I am adding to my gratitude list. I am meeting new people who are excited about what they are learning from me, I am meeting people that want to work with me, and I am making a difference in the lives of the people I touch.

Teaching, learning and living in 50 shades of grateful is an honor.  I am feeling so very blessed.

I’m not sure who said it – No Guts, No Glory – but I do believe it’s true.

Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone and you’ll never get it without stretching or taking a few risks.

Becoming a positive leader (in your life and in your business) requires trying things that are often un-comfortable, unfamiliar, and for business, unusual. Positive leaders look for the good, foster positive emotion at work, practice forgiveness and compassion and focus on strengths and not weakness – that’s way out of the how-we-do-things-around-here comfort zones of most businesses.

Why is it so hard to move outside of our comfort zones?

Fear – we are afraid of what we imagine is out there.

I see it this way.

Just at the perimeter of our comfort zone is a ring of fear. Often it’s that fear that keeps us from moving out of out comfort zones into our stretch zones.

Often it’s our fear that designates our stretch zone as a “panic zone” and keeps us tucked safely inside.

I wonder. What if we could see that fear as an illusion?

What if we could see fear itself as often being just False Expectations Appearing Real?

What if we could make it a practice to challenge those fears? What if we could routinely expand and outgrow our comfort zones?

What if?

Positive practices – like moving past our comfort zones with positive empowering questions – are important to do every day, because one day, when we least expect it we’ll need the skill. And for us, it will be there, well rehearsed and ready to use.

I called a friend yesterday to schedule a call later this week for some business we have together. “How are you?” I asked.

“NOT happy” she said.

“Me neither.” I replied.

“You?” she questioned. “You should be happy.”

“Well, I’m not. Could be the barometric pressure waiting for this storm to come in, or the Mercury retrograde, or it could be this procrastination I’m experiencing at getting up a head of steam on my new book project.  Who knows? I’m working on it though.”

We both agreed that talking to one another was a bright spot in the day and enjoyed those minutes of interaction while we planned our next meeting.  We left the call lighter and leaning slightly more into a state of positivity.

Most people make assumptions about me, someone who calls herself a happiness coach. And those assumptions have to do with my continually having the ability to control my emotional state and maintaining happiness all the time.

Not going to happen. I am so human.

Human beings are hard wired to look for what could be wrong or harmful in the environment.  It keeps us safe, but often makes us crazy when the world around seems to be filled with “wrongness.”  Sometimes the story we tell ourselves about what is happening around us (and to us) leads us to an unhappy, depressed and/or stressed state.

I fell into the study of happiness because I was under such stress at one time of my life that my health was in danger. (Admittedly, much of that stress was self induced, caused by the “horror” stories I was skilled at telling myself about my life).

So, I needed to learn how to master my own system before it went completely haywire on me. Being a single parent and small business owner, it was up to me to discover a better way to live, and a better example to give to my growing daughter.

Along the path I discovered the science of Positive Psychology (actually – it discovered me I think) and after eight years of study and practice, my life, as well as in the lives of my clients and readers, is getting more positive.  That makes me happy.

But not all the time.

In Positive Psychology we study the work of Barbara Fredrickson and Marcial Losada who have discovered that the “tipping point” between languishing and flourishing is having three times more positivity in life than negativity.

That means when we can focus on the good stuff three times more than on the bad stuff, when we can focus on what we want three times more than on what we don’t want and when we can focus on what’s strong three times more than what’s wrong, our mindset tips and we begin to flourish.

Continued study shows that if we can raise that Positivity Ratio (take the test at this link) to around 5:1, we will begin to see high performance in our teams and in our relationships.

So, to all who think that a happiness coach has to spend all the time happy – there is a difference between being primarily positive and being Pollyanna.

It’s okay to have a bad hour, or a bad day as long as I am able to observe what is happening and see where I have a choice to change it. And every once in a while it even feels good to wallow in the bad for a short period of time.  My life choice is to add more positivity to the planet, so I don’t wallow too long.

Humans have a bias towards the negative that has kept us from being eaten in the wild. I have a healthy respect for the human brain and how it has protected us and brought us to this place in time. And, I work everyday to outsmart my “Happiness Setpoint” which was genetically programmed at “grumpy” at birth.

My mood lifted yesterday shortly after that phone call, and I switched my focus and did something I enjoyed a little more than what I was doing. Every day in every way I am getting better and better – and you?

It’s amazing. No matter where I teach – at a conference, engineering firm, doctor’s office, bank, catalog company, or CEO group, there is always a strong positive response to my teaching on why it’s important to create more positive emotion where we work. I love using Tal Ben Sharer’s term: “Build Positive Capacity.” Tal teaches Positive Leadership at Harvard.

Building positive capacity is such an expansive term. It makes me think of building lung capacity. When an athlete wants increase her performance and her stamina, she’d best increase her lung capacity first.

If you recall, as we build up that culture of appreciation, as we raise our positivity ratios and as we focus more on what’s right rather than what’s wrong, things change.

When we change the way we look at things the things we look at change.

Positivity enhances creativity, makes one more socially adept, helps you solve problems quicker, increases innovation, health and strengthens team relationships.

As you continue to add more positivity to your days it will widen your scope of attention, increase intuition, immune function and  happiness. It makes work more fun too.

It will lower cortisol and produce a beneficial biochemistry that increases  endorphins  (the body’s natural pain killers) and other helps-you-sleep-and-feel-better chemicals as well.

It will build your resilience to adversity, and build your psychological capital – things like hope, optimism and confidence.

Studies show that more happiness at work increases productivity 31%; sales by 37% and makes people 3 times more creative – could your company use a boost like that?

Happiness will reduce your chances of stroke and high blood pressure and it will speed your recovery from effects of negativity.

Oh yes, it will increase longevity.

Just a reminder and some powerful reasons to cultivate positivity at home and at work.

The more options we have the better we cope with change. The more flexible we are, the better we cope with change. The more creative we can be – to generate more options and more opportunities – the less we’ll feel fearful about the future.

It stands to reason.

The person that will be the most able to discover solutions is the person that has a variety of options and ideas to choose from. That person can be you when you remember the connection between positive emotion and positive capacity. (Expanding our ability to experience more positive emotion.)

When we as humans experience positive emotions our brains open up a bit – the left hemisphere and the right hemisphere start communicating better providing us with a more wholistic view of a situation. The left brain is more linear in its way of thinking and the right, more relational. Together – a larger view.

The “Broaden and Build” response, as it’s called, broadens our scope, increases our exploratory behaviors and widens our horizons.

So, by spending more time experiencing positive emotions we are building our resources and our resilience for the future. We are in essence building “Psychological Capital.” We are expanding our capacity – raising our tolerance for more positivity.

The more options we have the easier (and more fun) it is to cope with change, it’s the Law of Requisite Variety – a law you can love.