Post Randomonium

I can't help being

"I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family."

"I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me."

"Have you ever seen an alien? I have, because I picked up 5 of them outside of Home Depot this morning to build me a shed"

"There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom..."

"Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy.""

"Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment, because you have to deal with everyone else that doesn't have it."

"Those people who say "there is never a stupid question" Have never worked in Customer Service."

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either."

"I always get naked before I get in bed so I don't know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section."

"I'd like to party like its 1999, then I realize that was 14 years ago and I can't stay up past 11 o'clock now. So screw you Prince."