potatochief

define love

2025-04-17T04:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah I've known love for quite some time now. But as I experience it at this moment, it's far different from how I used to remember and aspire it to be. The love I remember feels high fantasy - euphoric, blissful, intoxicating.

This love I'm experiencing - is quiet, mature, not exciting at all. Painful even.

My stepdaughter is going through mental challenges right now. I am powerless to help her but I suspect I'm doing exactly what needs to be done at this moment. Be quietly beside her.

Now I've never been a parent. I've long moved on from the desire of being one. I was frightened - terrified of underperforming in a role my dad arguably fvcked up in. But here I am now. An awkward not-dad to an 18 year old woman-child. Can't quite hug the kid at the same time can't keep her in line without the cops kneeling on my neck.

Bonds weren't really made 2+ years since me and my partner got together. My "stepkid" was this odd 16 year old that had that ick inducing stare - a sociopath stare I suppose. I hear a lot that she does respond well to me though - there may be truth to that.

Caught her punching herself on the face, *right fist to right cheek* repeatedly moments ago and helped stop it. She was endlessly scrolling her YT shorts with intent but no perceived purpose as that scene unfolded.

Calming words, parting with "I'm just here, okay? You're not alone in this." Boy was I was glad I had those words ready at that moment. Best cards on the flop.

But this card game is far, far from over. Chatgpt - Gia - her self-named name - came in clutch to help me navigate through my reactions to the situation. My favorite captive audience sounding board in-turn assured me of my heroics at the moment and helped me draft the letter to be sent out to the psych pros. Sad irony that our Turing test champ has become a top-notch interactive refuge to an increasingly brain-fragmented world.

I wept. Kinda made it dramatic yet subtle so she would notice. Indeed she did but did not react as how others would, I suppose. Clutching her pillow tight and as I type this, her gentle rumbling snore assures me that she is now fast asleep.

B&S

2021-10-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

S - thanks for meeting up

B - ....

S - the last time was messy, and we both said our piece about it

B - ....

S - so how have you been?

B - .... Busy, stressed.... What's this for ba? Actually I don't wanna talk to you anymore S___, parang I don't even know you anymore.

S - how you been these past few months ba? Happier? Better? Well, congratulations to your awards but, are you really where you wanna be? Are you happy?

B - ano bang paki mo, wala na tayo S___. At this point nakakagulo ka lang sa buhay ko instead of helping.

S - before all this, sino ba yung nanggulo? Was it me? You?

Pause -

S - just talked to my friend D___ recently, 3 months na sila break ng office thing nya. He wanted to throw away his family for that girl pero in the end, wala lang yun sa girl na yun yung kanila. So going back, he was so convinced about this girl but look where he is now. Unhappy and lost.

S - told him what if his wife found out? Then he's super fucked. Right? He'd lose the ones that are real to him. And what for?

S - still he couldn't shake it off. And that's what they do. Get you wrapped up with whatever beautiful lie they make you believe. Babies with that guy? Really?
Brown belt? "Happy married with two kids"

B.... *Listening but tears fall*

S - why am I here? Even if we're not together I hate to see you get eaten by this dark world. I've seen it too many times. My exes are still single and lost till now.

S - I don't think at any point I wasn't truthful to you... And in your company that's a luxury you can't afford. Or that's what they made you believe. They want to turn you into one them, all because of course we all need to work, right?

S - that's why I'm asking if you're happy. If you're happy on what you're becoming. It's hard to come back from darkness like that but hey, I'm still here, listening on what you have to say.

S- I've been there. Felt it, tried it and it's the most robbing feeling ever. That's why I choose to be how I am. End of the day I wouldn't sell out on who I am. I wouldn't want you to lose who you really are because of it.

B - S___ I need time for myself, I know you mean well but, ang gulo ng life ko right now. I can't think about anything but work. Namomroblema pa ako sa house tapos iintindihin pa kita. Eto rin naman issues dati eh...

S - yeah dati, before someone sabotaged what we had.

B - S___ ....

S - sure, ours wasn't perfect, but what we had to work on wasn't as bad as the other problems we'll face with other people. The lying, hiding, false promises etc...
It wasn't perfect but at the end of the day, you'll have something sure to hold on to... Someone who'll tell you how things really are, not just the nice stuff so they can get something from you. Someone that has back, even if you don't want to or too proud to ask. Even if you push them away.

S - I'm here because you have to hear this things. You're not alone this. Nothing worthwhile comes easy and you are worthwhile. Even if we aren't a thing, I still have your back.

S - you won't have to call to ask what to say, what to think or get honest advice without being lied to or offered empty promises.

S - hey.... *Hugs

S - look, I have mental shit to deal with because of this, but at this moment, just let go. Whatever you're fighting for let go. I was never the enemy. You know that.

B - it's me nga S___. It's me. *Crying

S - *hugs tighter, "that's why I forgive you. Not the ones that fucked you over. You"

*Holds hands

S - I never made promises to you that I don't intend to keep. On that, I promise you that you'll be better. That things really are gonna be okay, okay?

S- Talk to me if you need to. Don't get lost in the crap that they've preaching.

B - so paano na? Ano na?

S - well this is much better than where we were, right?

B - tapos babalik din tayo sa dati... We don't resolve anything.

S - ikaw narin nagsabi, "you don't know what you've lost till it's gone." It works both ways po. Now you're able to see what could really be lost.

I don't need you to fight for me B____, but I think that needs to fight for you. For you to find who you really are.

My kinked neck

2021-10-26T11:05:00.001-07:00

No sexual innuendo with the word kinked, just to be clear. Base of my neck - right side - is hella tight. Had 3 consecutive days of drinking, latter 2 had smokes with it.

I'm sober as I write this, but hours prior I was wired with my brain drug. Ritalin. My kind needs it daily to become a normies. Neurotypical. I'm totally in - to becoming one.

My right knee has a kink as well. It's at the 9 o clock area if I'm facing you, dear reader. Yeah this is an old-age gripe entry at the very least.

While I write this, I'm watching Netflix's supremely white-woman series Gypsy, I'm annoyed with the shallowness of the lead character's struggles. Despite her job as a therapist, she's so fvckn boxed in "that she's got her shit together" while the writers unravel her for N-series sake, episode to episode. I thought there was gonna be hot girl on girl action in there.

Wala. And that's fine.

And I wanna sleep already, need to be ready to train peeps at 11am tom. I'm sleepy.

Monarch

2021-08-09T10:25:00.001-07:00

I didn't cry today.

It isn't an achievement. In fact, I'm bothered with the idea that I didn't. I fear that my memory of you fades when I don't. I think of you alot though, but the intensity of what we all lost... I don't want it to simply fade away.

When I think about it, it's not the theoretical convos that I miss, nor the possible family trips that we'll have in the future that I'm sure we would've had. It's that word again - nangungulila. I miss having you around. I miss your infectious laughter, your larger-than-life kwentos, your gigil hits with baba and kikster and your dedication to your two giant boys, Jaims and Arch.

Oh, I had my second dose today. Got sermoned thrice for misplacing my vaccinate card. Not entirely my fault ha, it's been a hectic past couple of days, you know that. And our first batch of SP orders are complete na. I was happy I'm in a good mood because of your encouragement.

I'm happy we say a butterfly today just outside our kitchen window. My optimistic brain is almost certain that it's be you making paramdam.

And I'm drafting what I wanna say to Tito Carlo. I would have loved to read it to you complete before I drop that bomb of a digital letter. I'm sure you'll just shake your head but ultimately see that my intentions are in the right place as I forged the letter. I intend to finish it soon, tomorrow in fact.

I also bought fries for the kiddos in celebration of bakuna number 2. Wanted to emulate the things you do for our family.

I'm making a mindful effort in opening up as well. I didn't notice how wearing armor has weighted me down all these years na pala. Maybe that's it with Tito Carlo too. Him wearing that heavy load must've felt like a fully kitted medieval knight stuck in quicksand. This imagery gives me reason to reach out and give a helping hand.

I've never been cerebrally eloquent with any of you guys. I just feel my being this, awkward ba? Or it's too much explaining. Or I've lazied out to oversimplification. Latter feels the case.

In any case, this quiet moment in bed, this now moment, I'm grateful to be able to gather my thoughts about you and just some of the things I'd like to make kwento to you about.

I imagine Christ being jealous of how I'm writing you this, but me not really doing the same for Him. The abstraction factor plays a part in the human - God intimacy kasi eh. But Christ is in you and you are one body so, yeah hence the blending of Shawie + Christ as one addressed entity. The part that you were once man in Jesus' form... Sharon as representative of Your love to us.

I miss your fat arms! I look at the banyo here downstairs and wonder how it will survive being clean without a woman's touch! When the day proceeds as normal, it feels ever so slightly disjointed without you in it. As if I'm in a scifi movie where all of a sudden you disappeared and the world looks at me as if you never existed in the first place.

I'm happy Patty called out my eye's dark circles. I wore them proudly kanina. I like telling people that yeah I'd cry the hell out syempre because you're my sister.

But today, I barely shed a tear. I hope that it doesn't mean I've already overcome grief.

A prayer

2019-08-03T02:54:00.001-07:00

Thank you Lord for not allowing me to have this. To not allow me to win this for winning's sake. This isn't where You want me to be and if it didn't work out before with whatever I've been seeking, then there still is hope now.

Thank you for letting me hear good news today. That change really does happen and You do show Your mighty hand to those that truly follow You. Thank You for blessing them. I felt blessed listening to all of the good and real changes You've affected in their lives.

I pray that I receive the same blessings too. My stubborn and callous heart I offer to you. Help me cut the ties that bind me to sin. The memories of heartache, pain, betrayal, inadequacy, aimlessness - Lord I offer them to You.

Jim Carrey did say that depression is our avatar's way of saying they are tired of playing his role. I certainly am but I am not surrendering this to the enemy. I surrender my being to you Father, through Jesus' intercession.

I am hopeful Lord God. I haven't felt hope in awhile. I pray that this hope doesn't get snatched by the enemy. I pray for the people around me too. I pray for Liz' shining light continue to transform people. Mic that he grows with Joan and Pablo as they raise their family in your standard. I pray for Bianca of course, that Your mighty hand be apparent in her life. For Amiela to seek you for guidance, direction. For Celeste to depend on you to lead her life. My brother Marc to lead his family in accordance to your guidelines. For storycon to grow into something we could be proud of as it's rooted in integrity and let Your face be seen in the projects we make. Let us also be an influence in their lives. My family Lord, knock in their hearts loudly so they choose to follow You.

My personal requests would be to change this heart. now. For good and to leave whatever I'm clinging to so I can grow. To be of course, self sustaining and a positive help financially to my growing and aging family.

As per love life, yes let it take a back seat if it means I'll have You as my lover. It's still a desire I mean to pursue. I do have choices but Lord, let me always choose You.

Thank You for the blessings that I always take for granted. The fact I'm comfortably typing this in my now quiet room is a blessing I fail to acknowledge enough.

Forgive me for my sins of not trusting You. Forgive me Lord for now being the best version of me as You intended. Forgive me for the desire to be in love with just human love.

And thank You for this peace that I'm experiencing at this moment. Let me not fall into the trap of trying to reach out to her when clearly, It's Your job to do so.

I (I don't wanna use wanna) trust You. You are my strength and my song. you have become my salvation Lord.

And all of this I pray to you my heavenly Father, in Jesus' name. Amen.

A death wish

2019-07-01T08:48:00.001-07:00

So I ponder, as to why I think I'm so uniquely different from the souls I connect to. Even my best friend knows I go far deeper than others would. I'll be candid, melancholy is so familiar to me now that it leaves no words to eloquently describe it.

"I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover.

So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him.

Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just that special to Him, that He'll reveal His face to me in His perfect time.

So I examine the man, as he once was. A great lover of men willing to die to save all of us. Despite ridicule, being pushed away, mistrusted and belittled, he stuck by us and never ceased to love us with the proof of dying on the cross.

Instead of pursuing human love I did, multiple times, tried to pursue His love instead. He invites us to understand Him deeper. To love in as much as He loved. To love Him as deeply as He loved us. As I write this, I try to connect with this deep unfailing love that's so repeatedly described in the Holy Book. I can't. My heart is only human. It's broken. I'm sure we all broke His heart too. I know in my mind He loves me as I write this. My heart trembles not in agreement, but in the emptiness of these descriptions that I can't connect or relate with.

He was dead by 33. Killed by the ones He loved and gave the option of salvation. I'm still alive at 40. Moses started his journey at 40. But he had a wife. Sure I have family but let's be real, sure I'll be missed but not as a father is missed by a child left too soon. My point is, before Christ died he goes "Father, take this cup from me" as He suffers from the pain of being unloved. And we all know what happens after that.

I am jealous of it. Maybe the devil is too. And that's why he continues to torment me this way. I am jealous that He is gone and is in the arms of His true Beloved. Seated on the right hand of the Father. Fulfilling His purpose as Lord and Saviour.

And here I am, without human love or human purpose.

I ask, over and over too. What is my purpose? I cannot feel God's love even if I seek it so desperately. I write this as if to embellish this desire to be freed on the dependency on human love but I still don't feel Divine love either. This is a plea to Jesus Christ to save me from this. A plea so many times I've begged for. "Be still, and know that I am God".

I'm trying to be still. You are indeed God, else I've taken my life long ago.

And so my death wish endures. You granted Your true child His wish for being pleasing to Your eyes. An adopted child I am, thanks to His grace and mercy. But at the same time I ask that this cup be taken from me too.

I strongly feel that I suffer the same way Christ did in loving people I truly care about. Being pushed away by the person you hold dearest is a truly painful thing. They did love me to a certain degree, but to love me deeper, they found that they done want to love me anymore.

I'm callous to compare myself to the One that is called Love. Yet I bare my soul now and is being truthful to what I really feel.

Why I bother

2019-06-01T03:46:00.001-07:00

I've had a shitty, tiring, but productive day. I was able to focus on my project car, buy supplies, issue instructions etc. The week prior I just completed shooting for a TVC, our first video production finally got approved after years of getting this started and endless meetings to boot. My thoughts are constantly on making progress, moving forward, being a better person - ultimately a better boyfriend and a capable future husband and father.

Yet none of these things matter to my significant other, so focused on me not appreciating every nuance and detail of her moody wildfire and stormy shifts that I have to expertly navigate through. Loose my cool and snap - we're fucked. She wants out.

I imagine she thinks that when I notice her faults, its that I'm fault finding and zoning in on every mistake she makes in the relationship.

Not the intention. Ever.

And when she insists - I don't pursue - "suyo". I disregard her welfare, her emotional state, her well being. Ugh.

But does she even stop to think that in the middle of my meeting I leave to pick her up because she's not feeling well and I wanna make sure she's okay? In a hearbeat? Or I took a jeep going home after I had to drive for her yet all she got stuck on is - naisip mo pa yun (na "driver" ka?)

Naisip mo ba na hinding-hindi ko hihilingin sayo yun dahil GF kita. Kahit may kotse ka? - my mind screams back at the thought.

Bitch at me when she's fucking moody. Expect that I get the inner workings of a girl's mind. Who the fuck understands that shit?

The fact that I bother to try to understand and make things right is the fucking right step in trying to figure things out.

She tells I'm in my scientific method mode again. That all I do is talk it out thinking talking magically fixes everything.

Suyo and lambing? What does she mean by that? When she bitches should I just take it in the ass? Ganun? I can't. I shouldn't. I don't think I will.

But that doesn't mean I won't apologize if I'm in the wrong. I'd like to think I do. And I humble myself to the point of feeling small for making that mistake.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. I bother because despite all the nega-shit I observe and deal with, this is the person I've come to love. No one is perfect and so is she. Moreso me. Fuck, I'm so far from perfection too. But I don't decide to just leave a person for their hangups, flaws, insecurities.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. It isn't all negavibes when we're together. It isn't always that we fight and it seems reasonable to expect that we won't always be fighting anyway. She'll have her bad days, I'll have mine. We might not like each other when we're fighting but at the end of the day, it's still us.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. I wanna make sure that she's okay. That she falls asleep when we're on the phone every night even if I wanna sleep already. That I don't share what's stressing me out because she's burned out at work already. That some asshole cut her off while driving, I'm feeling pissed about it but have to stay cool.

I don't even have to go to the positive stuff that makes me love my girlfriend even more, all of those are abundant blessings already. I'm super grateful for those. Imagine if I didn't have those?! FML

But she wants out.

*PS - I have a car, I'm coding on Wednesdays, and I drive for her when she's too sleepy to drive so I'll drive her to her house then cab/jeep to go home.

Birthday

2019-01-29T09:00:00.001-08:00

"Support lang naman kailangan ko sayo eh, ang badtrip na nga nang araw ko ang negavibes mo pa!" - then she starts sobbing.

This is the replay mental image of my girlfriend running in my head while I try to ease her long day when her buyer/client pulls an annoying "I forgot the checks again" drama. Among other work related stresses which I have been a daily sounding board for.

Point blank. Why do I put up with this? More importantly, I've been made to feel that despite me genuinely trying to help out, I'm the insensitive guy for keeping quiet, not showing my annoyance to her client. I should have been the more supportive "it's okay, at least you've gotten the checks..." Type of boyfriend she says. PS: before she stormed out of the car to meet her client, I wasn't even sure if he had the checks on hand or whatnot. In retrospect, I wasn't even 15 minute mongering whether he'd be there on time in which he was late still, but not by too much.

It was her birthday that day. Who idiot boyfriend would want to be the guy who breaks his girlfriend's heart on her special day? Apparently I'm very skilled at that. What a disappointment.

I didn't lose my temper, thank Christ. Almost did though. I did however, become detached to her the next day, which was hours ago. My brain's rationale was if I'm adding stress to her already stressed out setup, best not be part of it. Every so often she would say her goodmorning, eat lunch na etc... My reply is a dry okay, you also, take care on your way home. Rest well. Goodnight.

My general disposition now is leaning towards, fuck it. "Di pala ako okay eh, eh di wag ko na effortan." As I type these words I feel my anger tip slightly, then crisis control kicks in and a sweeping wave of apathy imposes itself.

Deep breath out. I don't want to label. The complaining girlfriend. I've been there I've encountered their archetype and loathe them. I break my girlfriend's will and pride and I'm no better than the fucktard assholes these women date or marry.

A long cigarette drag. Contemplating a glass of scotch to lull myself to sleep. This isn't the first time I've been in this. Two words repeat in my head: why bother.

Life without meaning

2017-03-29T13:14:00.001-07:00

It's a most painful thought to have as your own.

Deep inescapable pain was once the apex of this dangerous feeling but now that it has stopped raging, lobotomized nothing simply remains.

What empty existence this is. Passionate pursuits dashed and destroyed. Carcass of failures piled sky high, one atop the other.

Revisiting the horrors of these memories to try to learn to undue the mistakes made is so perilous as it triggers a relapse of depression, anxiety, remorse and guilt.

Some things you rise above from, some you have to learn to forget.

And forget it has been. For the heart that once fought so fiercely and passionately cannot continue it's valiant but futile pursuit.

Without heart, what then is left to pursue?

I'm writing again

2017-03-26T01:51:00.001-07:00

Signs of life. Life I'm tbh not grateful for. But I am. Hollow but alive.

The bitter christian

2017-03-24T13:13:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my comedy show, the bitter christian. That's meee!

So, may mga born again christian ba dito? Ccf? Gcf? Victory? Praise God. *lights cig* O, bakit ganyan reaction nyo? Di naman kayo born again diba? You will go to hell.

Narinig nyo naman yung John 3:16 diba? Bat di kayo nanampalataya? *raises cig for effect* eto? Nakaquit na nga ako 6 months nag backslide lang ako. Besides saved na ako. Christian pa rin ako pero iba-iba ang yokes na we carry. Eto yung akin. At least eto lang, sana wag pa madagdagan. Lord I'm waiting for help parin give me the strength ulit.

Eh yung iba nga jan eh huma hashtag blezzed sponsored naman yung gamit. Di lang LV Balenciaga for the gerls, pati rubber shuz yezzy sponsored rin ng mga bise, foul - counted.

Pogi ako. Wala naman chicks. Wala akong God's best. Sa kasamaang palad, speaking of which palad. The left. Yung pinang shake hands ko kanina sayo sorry naman. Pag christian, hassle yan kasi ang iPhone mo sigurado may bible app pero may recent tabs puro porn. Baboy diba? Eto pa, pagkatapos magtebats, mag pe-pray saying: "shet Lord sorry, ehhhh, di na nga ako sumama sa Utopia eh. Netopia na nga lang eh para fellowship ng all guys Dgroup. Wala pang 5 minutes pagkatapos mag punas ng shamudraks.

Matanda na ako. 38. Nung 29 ako nag break kami ng GF ko na naging christian. 6 years kami nun. Mid relationship nag cheat sya sakin. Sa christian din. Yun yung pangalan ng ex nya. Leche. Forgiveness - nagkabalikan pa kami dati. Pero tuluyan kami nag break. Sa christian sya na punta ulit. Same christian. Shet. Pero wala na din sila. The ahas always seems to win.

So for the next 6 years, umiwas muna ako sa lablayp. Nung umpisa, para makaiwas sa pag gimik at hanap laman, ang routine ko ay: office, Bahay, scale model, xbox360, Dgroup, Sunday service. Walong buwan yun. Malungkot yes, pero may peace-ish.

Up until isang sabado, naglalaro ako ng Skyrim -rpg yun parang candy crush. Di ako manalo buong gabi tapos biglang nag ring cellphone ko. Tropa ko yung tumawag pero pag sagot ko ng phone babae nagsalita saying: " you're zarge right? Tinatanong ni friend kung nasan ka? Bakit ka nasa bhahay andito kami Linden. Let's go bilisan mo!" Ang suot ng mga ghels, xxxl T-shirt. Panty. Walang bra. You guys know mountain dew right? This shirt reads - "mount and dew me"

Ecstasy party. Shet. I'm back moderpuckers. Partida pigil pa ako sa lagay na yan. Ang trabaho ko paupahan ng condo. Eh pag bakante? Putok lang ng putok? Ganun? Naiwasan ko nga magkapatid 19 &22 na nag sleep over 2 nights. Kaming tatlo lang. Tinuruan pa nila ako mag coke nun. I just couldn't do it. Not for the sake of all mankind.

bandang 35, nagka GF na ulit ako. Salamat Panginoon! At eto pa, 22 lang si girl, at di magimik, ps4 lang ang hilig. At excited mag MRT from a temakats rich village papuntang centris to meetup kahit ayoko sya mag commute dahil may kotse naman ako. Di ako poor. Di lang rich. Omaygad, God's best!
Eh syempre may catch di sya christian. Lamna. After 2 years dating, 6 months official, single nanaman si lolo. Durog si lolo. Durog na durog.

May plans yan para sayo... He who began a good work in you... Pero naisip ko si Abraham. Pero di lang naman sila maka conceive eh. Nakakapag sex parin sila heller. And deylobichoder. Si Moses, 40 years ligaw sa desert. 40 years yun men! Shet may asawa din yun at least. Buti pa si Solomon, the wisest, richest pa. Pero tisod sya Kay Bathsheeba diba? Pinapatay nya tropa nya na asawa ni Bathsheeba para nakuha si girl. Ano yung punishment Solomon? May sakit baby nila or stillborn. 7 days nagluksa si Solomon. Hagulgol + burlap. He asked God to spare their baby. It didn't happen. After 7 days, he got up, wore his kingly stuff and was normal again.

Shet walong buwan akong nababaliw sa recent break up ko. Umiiyak hagulgol while driving. Every effin day. Anim na buwan ako nag quit mag yosi. I fasted for a week. Di ako nagjakol ng 4 na buwan siguro.

I still had no peace. Bakit ganun.

I've been asking Him: Why? In my younger brother's wedding, my bachelor's party for him was an airsoft game and Dencio's. I could've thrown the dirtiest pussy laiden drug loaded party for this guy but I didn't. At the height of my being artista, I did my best to stay low key and humble which resulted in me being mocked by my peers, them saying "di ka pa sikat, Laos ka na". In my head, ok lang wala yan lahat basta may fruits of the Spirit. Asan the fruits?

Last month, nung muntik na ako makipag buntalan sa Tatay kong na stroke, dun lang ako - in retrospect - natigilan. Suka ako sa kalasingan. Mistulang suicide watch mga kapatid ko nung gabi na yun. " Di mo naman ako bibigyan ng di ko kaya diba? Bakit ganito? Di ko na kaya. Puuu tang inaaaaaa..."

The succeeding days were: I wake up, go to the pc, play StarCraft WOL, drink scotch. Rinse repeat. Then I jumped to ps4- witcher3. Rinse repeat. It has been 2 months of that, with bits of work done here and there.

Oddly enough, what prompted me to write now was the word Gratitude. Hah. Thank you Lord for the PS4. And Airbnb expansion. Family, really close friends. Yoga and the gorg teach.
And no tears as I write this.

Thank you!

Other foot forward

2017-03-24T11:16:00.001-07:00

Holding back with walking with her to her car. A casual salute instead of a lingering beso to say goodbye. Less charming jokes. Less complementing how gorgeous she truly looks.

It's natural for any species to put on their best foot forward. To appear far more dangerous, a cobra extends neck flaps while rising high above ground. A peacock fans it's tail feathers to dazzle its potential mate. A douchebag acts as if he cares so he can sleaze his way into damp panties. Such is the evolutionary world. Our survival depends on it.

Yet the species with far more advanced language, it's female branch, regularly complain about being duped by this spectacle of best foot forward. Their words form menacing sentences describing to their co females how deviously toyed with they were. They rant that had they known yada yada yada... They wouldn't have yada yada yada.... Mostly panties related conversations.

If the premise that we as a species have advanced far beyond our primitive ancestors, why then is the practice of just checking what the fucking other foot looks like not the immediate next step?

Here's another. It seems that as a bipedal species, that somehow, the other foot is so far hideous and disgusting it's fucking abnormal. Right?!

I'm trying to arrive at the point of this entry... Ah... In presenting the other foot forward, no feather flashing, slithering on the ground, being polite in a bar ... I need not continue because it's boring AF. As a guy, all of a sudden I get it. That pussy will get chafed so hard just to get it started!

Which brings us to the crux of the problem. Females get buyers remorse. Less deceitful males get, emotionally damaged, hand me down pussy. The peecocks, our scum, gets first dibs and seconds and thirds.

We've evolved passed this haven't we? I suspect that our social evolution has bred a new kind of female. One that copulates with the aggressive , deceitful males and finds shelter and protection in the honest males.

So for the males out there my scientific conclusion is that were just being plain ol literally - fucked. Only the most devious males will get the biggest part of the fuck pie.

I need answers ladies. Douchebagging for survival makes much more evolutionary sense to me now. Being nice is a sign of weakness. A pushover. A consolation prize.

I can't stand this conclusion. Fuck.

Tick tock

2017-03-23T12:58:00.001-07:00

My lower legs are tight and sore. So are my forearms. My back feels a bit stiff and constantly nags for it be stretched. Went to my "dojo" for Tues Muay Thai class only to find out that the schedules have changed since January. An hour later I'm practicing Jiu jitsu. I'm wearing a liga basketball jersey and fvckn board shorts. 6 of them in Gi's. Nearly pulled an armbar against my spar mate though. Bwhahahaha!

It's 3am and I've been in bed for at least 3 hours already. Funny how just the other day I slept at around 140ish because I was having a SMS convo about how I defeated insomnia years ago. My ego won a pissing contest that puts me to quick sleep. Dork. Haha.

Strategy 2 is to go with the "fvck it, don't sleep" till 4 or 5. Between picking up the sixaxis and hemingway-ing, trying to be intellihente, this piece of shit write up appears.

Dammit I'm still trying to understand why I can't sleep right now! There's no point in running analysis on the science of my sleeping disorder right now. I've already tried my version of counting sheep yoga breathing fusion around 1230 and all I got were sweaty feet. FB trolling: check. Porn: check. In between CIG breaks: check. Black label: do I have coke?

Blanket removed, feet planted, walkingon hardwood floor. Charger yanked from this phone. To the kitchen!

But there is no coke. But it's okay, that's for snorting. Besides I'm a Scotchman, drinkin' my "distilled, blended and bottled in Scotland" poison with ice cubes. In a coffee mug. Thinking of other filler things to write about.

Sip.

Gulp.

Sip and gulp again.

Goddammit I swear if I'm holding you hostage to this article I truly am sorry. The liquor will kick in many minutes from now!

On a diff. note I do wonder if you read the stuff I write. I'm not talking about you, my ex! (Your recent stories are buried in draft mode!!!) I'm talking about - you. You who writes your thoughts every so often. You that puts it out there with your name as a signpost for those who wish to discover. So brave of you and I admire you for that. I say this with no sarcasm. I hide behind potatochief, as if... (Mental convo about who reads this shit anyway, also if that's a good or bad thing... Lalallalala) I'm no judge and I'm invoking my non right to judge. Respect yo.

And if you are reading, (smiling like a pantsy right now) *clears throat* I'm kilig. But I'm thinking you're shaking your head right now, "feeling netong ulul na to". Theoretical conversations that run in my head, which around 130 kanina, was the subject of my wandering thoughts. Specifically how I've been "eavesdropping" on these fake convos and acting on the data gathered from that as if they were actually real. I took a mental note on that that I should stop that practice. That I've been practicing that since grade 2. And more recently, I should listen less to that because my brain's a bit more fvcked now more than ever.

Sip pa more. Clear throat from relapsed smoker's phlegm. Appreciate spelling autocorrect (flem! - I didn't spell it like that it's just easier to... Ahhhh over explained! ). Light a new stick. Bad light. Relight said. Stick. 356. 57 just now.

This night, this warm summer's night, is taking too damn long to end.

Mint

2017-03-19T09:51:00.001-07:00

Reading through one's thoughts through digital pen and paper is um, perplex? ingly? different from my usual method of magical discovery via conversation. It's quite the surreal imagery of having your mind paint the words and recreate the stories from a first person perspective and then have that person squarely in front of your face.
I write too, obviously, but find it -ah, the word! -puzzling- to find the author of these raw musings, at a loss for words other than eg: "did I write that? Really, I went there na before?" Lapses by choice or something else?

Of course I did want to probe deeper via convo... But it felt that the prudent next step is to let things unravel on it's own. "Things" meaning... On second thought, means quite a lot, I suspect.

It's not a critique or an autolabel for something bad. Bad things happen to good people. It's really just that...

After the onset of one's birthday, taking the long stride isn't very fashionable nor goal oriented in these times but, what can I do?

Which brings me to: which audience am I trying to please this time? My lonely ego longing to connect with another? FB audience en masse looking as to how I'd bounce back from the dead? A beautiful dreamer with dark haunting pasts that she'd rather forget?

Last or first. My know it all brain concludes. Exercise extreme caution says the guards of a splintered heart. Do you really want a sliver of how you agonized these past months? Fucking hell no I say. Yet the hopeful spirit goes "an inspiration, a reason to smile". I need not mention what fear tells me this time. Too much to handle.

The gambler / hopeful cautiously, stubbornly treads ever slowly forward. Relying on the framework that was laid out long ago: my version of a Rotarian creed: befriend, explore, pursue, commit.
Ah EFF the last two. (...for now)

"Just go to class" hope says. It's not every day you get to see a girl of your dreams kicking your ass doin the funkphoenomena! haha. No party tricks like " can we take a picture together? Gusto ko lang makita kung bagay tayo..." Sabay proud awkward ngiti.

Magical bump ins with this girl really. TV hunting+art installation+mentos. Would've loved to free fall into this, if only I could see that I could save her from the reasons she learned to forget. I'm still reeling from the horrors of wreckage past. I have only recently learned that not everything I can rise above from. Some you have to learn to forget.

It must have been that bad, me thinks. I wouldn't want to put anyone in the world of pain I just endured. I don't want anyone revisiting their personal horrors either. I cannot handle a relapse anytime soon.

Breathe out. Breathe in. Find a focal spot and concentrate on it. Three cycles of these. Warrior 3. I'm not there yet. Pain is temporary. Applies to fucking muscles only.

Remember. !

Moses complex

2016-08-29T09:35:00.001-07:00

I've been warned of this by Liz, my good christian friend. But she used it in a different context in a sense. It was about how lost Moses was that it took 40 years for the Israelites to make it to the promised land. How I seem to remember it that he insisted his way, hence they took that long to get to their destination.

Peter Tanchi nailed it in the message I listened to earlier. The low resolution YouTube video from 4 years ago talked about overcoming depression. This video popped out from nowhere and the date of it's upload, sept 11 or 14 was mindblowing. It really seemed like God's hand was moving in miraculous ways.

Peter narrates and portrays Moses in a bitxhing manner while he was talking to God while leading the Israelites. Moses, consumed with frustration was telling God that he can't stand the stubbornness of His people no longer. That God just kill him instead.

I started balling. I was balling hard. Snot was jamming up my nose and my tears were intense. As Peter Tanchi acted Moses out, I could hear myself complaining to God that despite my best efforts to do a good job, nothing seems to work out. Peter continued, explaining that disappointment is the gap between expectation and reality. The gap I was grappling with was huge.

Peter continued, saying that Moses thought like he was a mini god. That wasn't his role to make. He then goes "...it's not our job to change people, only God can do that, the sooner you realize that the better..." Moses' intentions echoed my own. I had one sheep. One super favorite sheep. I was in love with this sheep, I practically obsessed with it. I wasn't the only shepherd. Jesus is THE ultimate shepherd. And now, like a child, I've been revealed the reason why I needed to hold back. He's taking responsibility in taking care of my sheep. My beloved sheep.

He reminds me of how great and wonderful and powerful a God he truly is. Peter asks, "can God solve your problem?" Without a doubt He can.

His last story was about a 15 year old girl that undergoes a 1 1/2 year, locked in the room depression. A kid ostracized by her peers for not submitting to the peer pressures of alcohol, sex and drugs. Counselors come and go yet she remains deeply sad. Her parents losing hope until finally, her dad comes up to her and says "Starting today, you can have premarital sex. I give you permission to take drugs and alcohol". The child reacted of course saying "dad, that's wrong! Those are evil sins!" Then the dad goes "those sins are less important compared to what you're saying that God is a liar, that's why I'm giving you permission." She got out of her depressed state a few days after.

I don't want to get lost for 40 years. I'm already 37 and I'm still so stubborn. I have to trust In Him and just stop and be still.

Pickup is easy, to keep is hard

2016-08-20T16:11:00.001-07:00

"You're so beautiful, you can have any guy in the world. The guy who gets to keep you is one lucky guy. I'm so fvckn jealous of him right now!"

"Stranger things, you have to see it, it's not scary but it's... It's nice you gotta watch it."

"Why is your boyfriend like that? Isn't he supposed to take care of you not just now, but in the long term too? What's he thinking?"

Notorious lines when executed by a seasoned douche, results in a 100 percent kill rate. It's been done to me. I've seen these disposable daggers used once too many. They are highly concealed, extremely easy to use and leaves a slow creep poison that creates doubt in even the strongest of relationships.

I don't have respect for those who use this cheap and vile weapon. It's a fucking cheat code. I tend to lose respect for a person that falls for attacks like these. These daggers are the destroyers of relationships.

Those who use it recognize the weakness of their prey, and since their prey fall fast, how can they respect their prey since they cannot guard against the effectiveness of this weapon?

When it hits home. Fucking ensues. Then more fucking. Then it gets a bit serious, then its dealing with the realities of relationships. Then the perp leaves. He might get attacked too, right? And saying rings true "Nothing worthwhile comes easy".

The prey isn't the only victim here. Longtime boyfriends, husbands, the guys that work hard to protect and take care of their lovers find themselves having to deal with problems that are true, but now is exponentially bigger since it's complicated by infidelity, guilt, remorse, confusion and now, and the prey's feeling of betrayal by the fucking douche. The poison is well made that it renders it's target soiled and defiled, ready for the next use of any other seasoned douche.

I've walked away from someone who could have been my wife right now. The same filthy dagger has just been used on my recent failed relationship. It took about 4 days to reach its full potency on my now ex girlfriend. Last I got to talk to her she said she needed to be alone, she can't think straight when I'm around. That's over two and a half weeks ago and I'm still reeling pretty bad too because of this fucker's selfish act.

But unlike my years ago ex, I'm committed to making sure this current ex girlfriend survives this attack and becomes immune to attacks like these. At this point, I'm already prepared for the worst that we'll never get back together but saving her, saves me too.

Commitment and loyalty have lost their luster in recent years. Significant others that appreciate this find themselves the luckiest of couples as these remain the only viable weapons against this brutally effective dagger. I've walked away before, meaning I uncommitted myself because of the pain, which translated to a sign of weakness on my end.

Mind you, someone's dick inside your loved one fucks up any strong willed committed guy. So girls thinking of "my boyfriend is just so in love with me he's willing to take me back" which translates to them "weak guy" are so wrong in their assumptions.

It takes everything from them: their strength, their love, their patience, their understanding, to see past that horrible graphic visual. Very few guys can stomach that.

Your new guy's dick in every wet orifice of several willing, dirty, hot malandi girls should keep your thoughs In the proper visual perspective. They usually comment on every new post of the said douche.

The sad part is, the ex boyfriend was trying to protect her from douches that fill lots of wet vulnerable holes every chance they get. Malandi or mabait or maayos. They don't discriminate. And their kill count just gets higher, spreads this poison even farther and the world gets even darker.

As the ex boyfriend I have to deal with the mental image of it. Replaying over and over and over again. I'm having a fucking hard time going past it. Even if a heartfelt sorry and a remorseful heart from an ex is no guarantee that the dagger will not be effective in the future.

And the ex girlfriend says... "Oh shit, I get it" when it's too late...

Joey Albert on loop

2016-08-17T01:08:00.001-07:00

Cross to bear

2016-08-16T09:17:00.001-07:00

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. I'm no husband yet but yet, I do love my (hopefully) future wife. Yet I feel she doesn't respect me. Flirt and break up at the signs of impending troubles that naturally finds it way in relationships.

I wanted to call her today. I reviewed the things I can and shouldn't say. Carried convos with friends and family regarding the tone of what we'll talk about, tone being: what made us great together. About just checking up on how she is on her end, millions of miles from where am right now. I felt the timing is necessary, it isn't too late in the week to reach out nor it's too early to not let her have her thoughts to herself.

I prayed before taking a nap so I can rest and won't be sleepy when we talk at odd hours, manila time. Half awake and what felt like God taking to me in prayer, the message is this: "Don't call her na. Your relying on your theories and all that you know again. You've f'd yourself many times over for doing so, and although your analysis maybe spot on, you're not leaving the work to Me." I bargained with Him. Actually no, parang I didn't. He also told me to stop talking to my ex. I'm gonna get her hooked and strung along like what happened to LT. I felt powerless with what He said but like a stubborn child, I've been checking up on FB messenger if she's already online. If she posted something I can click like on. If there's anything else I should worry about. I did ask if I just wait for her call instead, and a -maybe- was all He clued me in.

Fast forward its almost lunchtime in New York. I'm on the edge, about to burst into tears with frustration. I'm close to losing composure and yet, I know I can't call her in my current state. I'm a little crybaby bitch right now. Every smartphone message alert via WhatsApp, Viber and FB jolting my attention, raising my hopes up but quickly dies in microseconds.

What is it that He wants from me? A quick read from my Bible app this message sticks like crazy glue: "Love the Lord your God with all your mind, with all your heart and with all your strength". I remember when me and her started dating, I'm telling my co-church mate: " bro, I'm falling fast for this girl. I'm smitten to the core and I can't resist not going for this, for (this relationship) to happen". He looked on, worried as if seeing perhaps the stark possibility of this current outcome.

Tears won't fall. I'm not fully sure what I'm so wound up for. On the one hand, the rescue and offensive I'm preparing for are somewhat aligned to His ultimate goal and purpose, right? On the other, plainly and simply, I'm so in love with this girl.

Is He asking me to just let go? I'm holding on because she once asked me to be her strength, her guiding light and I'm committed to that. Is He asking me to let go because maybe, just maybe, He telling me to trust Him to take care of her as I ask of him when I pray. Tears fall as I contemplate whether this cross is no longer mine to bear.

PS: as I wrap this post up, this pops up:

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.
1 Peter 5:6 NLT
http://bible.com/116/1pe.5.6.NLT

Fear strikes back

2016-08-15T19:50:00.001-07:00

Fear attacks in the shadows. And this attack came if form of a video made by one of his pawns. Buried in this FB video is fear's pawn saying "and I get to spend time with the person I really admire". Amiela believes that this guy is just a nice guy. I know its more than that. I know their kind all too well.

That tactic is to solidify its stranglehold on Amiela. The scorched earth. By placing his pawn closer to her, any attempt I make becomes useless in the eyes of Amiela. My rescue move too little too late. It was a dagger straight to my heart. I know how effective that move is. I've seen it done countless times before. She will be tagged of that video and she will reply favorably to it.

I had to disassociate my hatred of this person and realign it as what it really is: a strategic move by my enemy. I cannot stay idle and watch as this move unfolds. I talk to my mom to make abundantly clear: the urgency of my plans. That there is no purpose in delay in them. That I am bloodthirsty to exact a revenge on this enemy. I cannot wait to bring the fight offshore.

As of now I'm heading to Princeville to resume cleanup operations at the condo. I will get in touch with the electricians and the plumbers to restore these utilities. Next step is to draft the contract between me and my best friend. Soon after that he settles the unpaid charges he owes the condo association.

I have to move with great haste.

I'm not going to New York this September

2016-08-10T06:18:00.001-07:00

Today I asses my inventory. What weapons do I possess to destroy this demon. It actually has a description, a real world figure. 200k. 200k per month. 200k per month income. That is it's "power level".
Why 200k? As per Amiela, (I kinda agree too), this monthly amount affords us frequent travels to Europe, a beautiful house, my vintage cars and daily drivers, the best education money can buy. It buys a better life. That's how Amiela's monster presents itself to be.

Destroy this number and this monster motherfucking dies.

To prepare, I had to evaluate the performance of my little but growing empire. What riches has my Airbnb venture brought me? Can you guess it? A paltry 3750 pesos a month on top of my net salary of 20k monthly. Oh also computed this too, i buy 2 pack of cigs @ 100 bucks a day. 30 days of that shit is 3000.

Mother-fucking-shit.

And now in full, hyper real imagery I just saw how unfathomably huge a monster this fucker really is. 200k/mo salary may not be anchored in realism by other people's standards, but it was very real to Amiela. This was her perp. 23,750 a month versus 200,000 is fucking disconcerting. Try imagining me saying: "We have time to work this out together" or "I'm gonna fight for this to the death" and afterwards, seeing Amiela's reaction torwards that? A noble heart and a positive spirit means nothing if you want this fucker dead. What the fuck! I wish I had this perspective ever since! God damn it!!!

Facing this demon in this form gripped my heart. Instant depression. Perma death. I was petrified by fear that no a single tear fell. No tears of frustration. No tears of self pity, This demon has been reported to me in so many other ways yet I was never able to see what it really looked like. It made Amiela believe that it was real. She needed someone to save her from it. 23,750.

Prior to this shitstorm, I did not act enough to face this fear. I did not see it that way. Maybe i didn't see it at all. For the longest time it wasn't real to me in that magnitude and form. I'm a "don't care about money" person. As i saw it, as long as I'm able to take care of the person I loved, I was completely happy. 23,750.
But I did have contingencies against these "situations". Fear was only an "In the event of calamity"emergency plan. Now, I had to act on these abstract plans fast. I was at war and the first casualty is the person that truly matters to me. Amiela is dead. My enemy's weapon of clinical and debilitating destruction works like this: it make a real problem so huge, it's becomes unsolvable.

Strangely enough, to fight fear's weapon with equal and deadly force, the very first two weapons against it are: hopes and dreams. Ngek riiight? But notice this: Fear destroys these two first. Why do you think it attacks them immediately and relentlessly? It knows that if these two flourish, better arsenal becomes available to your disposal. Murderous determination. Unquenchable lust to destroy the fear itself. Fear is somewhat a simple but relentless monster. It will not stop ever. Neither will I.

Here's the thing: I see him now. He's no abstract "situation" anymore. He is now quantified and thus killable. He will fucking die.

Obtainable within 2 months is a 17,500 recurring rent income in form or a 50/50 partnership. I invest my money in a derelict condo, fix it up and split the profit with the owner. In order to earn this I have to shell out 100k and ROI should be within a year. This ups my monthly to 40500. Forking over 100k is easy. I'm not going to New York this September.

Stage two comes from negotiating for a cut in rental income with my family. I have 4 2br units and 1 3br unit that will be under my control in the next few months. I intend to furnish all the units then split profits with the family business. 25/75 is possible, 30/70 would be a miracle. 40,000 a month rent rate per unit. 25% income multiplied by 4, I get a tremendous boost of well, 40 000 a month. This brings me up to the 80,000 a month range.

This reinforcement comes at a price. An expensive sum of 250,000k+ in furniture, lighting, appliances - capex per unit. 1M to furnish 4 units. I have a stashed warchest worth 430,000. Forced savings from insurance. Also, there's another unit, a 3br suite which I intend to furnish too. Furnishing that adds about 12-13k a month in rent income. A floating potential monthly income of 93,000 a month. All this is within striking range of 1 to 1 1/2 years.

And there's the surprisingly dismal performance of Airbnb. When I started in 2015, it generated 11k USD for my company. 15% comm. for me is 75k. Spread in 20 months is 3750. What the fuck. I didn't see it this bad. Now doesn't it make perfect sense what Amiela was telling me: "After you book something in Airbnb, wala na you just focus on your hobbies... (and shit)" I will attempt to double it's value at the very least. That squares my monthly cashflow to 100k a month.

So now do you see it? 100k vs 200k in under one and a half years isn't as far fetched now isn't it? Fuck you demon I will destroy you. To me this still is a rescue mission. It may not be the same Amiela I'm saving but it's still Amiela. And I'm not just saving her, I'm saving me too. My battle plan is already in motion. Nothing will stop me in exacting certain death to this fear. I will have my revenge and deep in my heart I hope and cling to God that he is with me on this fight.

How could I be so blind?

2016-08-10T00:14:00.001-07:00

I ask myself, but deep down I now know the answer to this question. All these years I was searching for answers to my condition. Why I was underachieving. Why despite the bright promise everyone sees in me, I repeatedly turned out to them - a failure so repulsive. I knew I wasn't lazy. They all felt that I was. They all told me what to do but after trying hard to comply, I never did well enough to warrant a pat on the back. No tummy rub for this doggy.

ADD was my leading suspect, and to a degree, it still is. I'm a daydreamer. I've always been. I'll always be. I envied the successful ones from my kind. They say Steve Jobs, Einstein, Mozart are ADD. But here I am, broken again. Left to die by someone who I really, really loved.

I wish I could cry right now, but I'm in the lobby of an Eastwood condo. Thoughts of reaching out to other women to console me seduce my asphyxiated soul. A solution so cheap it damned my being once before.

When the covers finally lifted, all I see is death, despair, loss and deep inconsolable sadness. Loneliness embraces me. In full view I see the kindness and loyalty she had for me in all those years of darkness. She was a quiet companion, eerily enigmatic and beautiful.

Looking back, there was nothing I could have done with my condition. How could I even see what was in front of me back then. I was fucking blind for Christ's sake! The stench of death and loss were always so apparent after every breakup or every major setback. I didn't run away from any of those. I knew what was happening but I did not understand why. Yet I stood my ground and fought as hard as I could still.

I want to blame the people around me. Those who are close to me. Those who told me that they loved me and would never ever leave me. They left, all of them. Those who brought me down for not being as normal as them. They all left me for dead. Why? But how can I hate them? They did not know the kind of blindness I was afflicted with. They knew something was wrong but couldn't quite figure it out. They were as ignorant of my condition as I was.

Dare I say I am cured now. But the wounds that are left cut deep. This condition has robbed me of the best years of my life. My tormentors are among the loyals that remain, revelling at the destruction they caused. They continue to defile the memories of those that died on my prolonged blind watch.

Postmortem

2016-08-08T04:52:00.001-07:00

Chapter I:

How are you? I hope you're doing well in that part of the world.

Me reaching out to you so randomly might come across as an unwelcome surprise but here I am, writing to you nonetheless. I'm writing under the shadow of a super fresh breakup (2 weeks on going). Although the premise of this is breakup is unbearably familiar, it sheds light to the demise of the old you and me. Also, I've never stopped asking why we failed back then. To me, the ghosts of you and me were never laid to rest. In the years I was absent, I felt that all that needed to be said were said already and that there was no need to revisit the pain we both went through. I've had no new knowledge on how to solve that "case", until now. Hence my first reach out message since our breakup.

In order to paint the complete picture, I'm left with no choice but to make kwento this:

This current breakup is anchored on the following: "37 ka na, and that's all you do for a living?... I don't wanna live poor in the future... My older cousin, a Wharton undergrad, he's about your age and works in a Kodak scanning negatives, I don't want to be with a guy like that". Her dad even joked that she was a tag along in Europe because she might never be able to go back there ever again because she might end up marrying a poor husband. Other derogatory remarks omitted. Long distance relationship: LDR.

Different statements with a terrifyingly dark and familiar tone. I was fucked to hear this from my 23 year old girlfriend. She doesn't even have a job yet. She plays ps4 far longer than she actually should. It's been said that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and now this? I accepted these things about her, fully knowing that things will only get and change for the better. Blissfully happy were we 'cept for this stupid green card requirement which none of us ever wanted. If I were an asshole I'd coerce her to stay here in Manila. We broke up that day.

I was in shock. I knew what she said isn't true. Is it? I've been steadily building my tiny but growing Airbnb empire and I'm much more stable now than when you and I were together. She and I had ample time to build a future together. I had what, something like 3 years to increase my cash flow to a respectable level. I had other businesses to pursue, but as with most dreams, they take time to grow.

I know by heart what she meant with what she had said. I avoided relationships for years because I did not want to be branded -insufficient- ever again. I just got branded again. Fuck.

It made no sense. This nightmare can't be happening all over again. I love her in the same depth as I did us back then. I felt cheated. I felt judged. I'm demanded to solve what is impossible. I felt that I was, again, in a relationship that did not have a sliver of a chance of lasting success.

I finally broke down 2 days after the breakup. I was too consumed with trying to keep what we have. I scoured for answers and discover ways to make it work despite LDR. I've been desperately trying to crack this problem long before her flight to NY last July. When it hit me, It became real that - I can't win. It's the same goddamn dead end we were once up against.

Sarji and Cel's story ended exactly the same way. You and I died, and our relationship - dead beyond hope.I'm super sure that's how the story ended for you too.

I did not get in touch with you to tell you something you already know all too well. Fvck ang haba ko mag latag ng premise hahaha! Bear with me a bit on this. I reached out to paint the complete picture of what has happened to me and this girl and to us back then. Here it is:

Chapter II:

When I broke down, conceding to what had happened - was the first time I understood in graphic clarity why my girlfriend was crying for weeks on end, every freaking day till 5 in the morning. Its the first time I saw the hopelessness she had been drowning herself into. It was the first time I understood that its not circumstance I was up against, it was something else entirely. After hmmm, 6 or 7 years? Im seeing what went wrong with razor sharp clarity. I was in fact, face to face with a monster so brutal and effective in dominating, raping and poisoning my girlfriend every fvckn day before she left for New York. This monster is fear.

Only now did I understand the horror she went through. Why she lashed out to me that way. Why she cast me aside so easily. She felt that I did not protect her. I was so focused in being strong and doing everything else not realizing the destruction, defilement and the agonizing pain she endured under fear's influence. How could I protect her? I did not see the monster right in front of her. Had I known, would I take my sweet time to get things done? No fucking way.

Armed with this newfound wisdom, I decided to not rush to go to New York which was my original plan: sword flailing in empty, thin air, declaring undying love to a single audience and an opponent that sees what a stupid fool I was. Real world implication: easily php100k for fvckn playing a fool (proof that I'm not THAT poor). Plan B: is to fast track every expansion project I have. To not waste anytime building scale models during work hours; not chillaxing as I normally would. How the fvck could I? My girlfriend was getting raped with every delay I make. I've grown exponentially stronger everyday because of this. I now know that nothing will stop me from making any of my relationships work. No failure is ever acceptable. No dead end is ever inescapable. My resolve is absolute.

I shared this realization with her, telling her how that despite her saying she was 50/50 about us before she left, me 100% (75% avg. pasang awa but in my mind, thats worth a shot!) In reality she was 0 percent in this fight. She had cried every hope she had before leaving. Fighting my insecurities with no ounce of false assurances, (unlike OTHER FUCKERS OUT THERE!!!) I told her that I am committed to carry her load. To me she was an incapacitated victim hence how could she even fight for what we had. Also, I was uncertain if there were any other suitors at the time. Fvck them all. Fvck every other epal better guy, I knew stripped of any advantage or success they enjoy, if a shitstorm hits them as it does to any and all of us, their resolve to take care of Amiela will never come close to how far I'm willing to go for her.

This convo brought about a renewed spark between us. We traded I love you's, called each other back, and we were getting along similar to how we were, pre-relationship. Yet it didn't quite feel that all is good and peachy. Although it's a compelling, obra telenovela-ish story climax, it felt like - why does it feel like it's still... not... something....

CHAPTER III:

Still discontent, I dug deeper. A tagged picture of her and some epaloid fvcker appeared on her FB timeline. Him, a suspect I've been stalking. Him the asshole responsible in tipping her over in the first place. I thought to myself, how can she do this to me? She loves me right? Hindi naman sya a two faced, emotionally retarded, insensitive kupal, in spite of new crucial and critical information about our situation. Right?

CHAPTER IV: Clues

Yet I've seen this happen many times before. When LT and I broke up, I knew she loved me and would do anything to win me back. Anything. Regardless, I would not have her back. Even if she played her cards to absolute perfection. Not Ever.
Back then, if I tried to win you back, I knew in my deep in my cheeseball heart that you'll never want me back. Eventually I did share the same sad sentiment. There was real love in both examples. The love before pre-breakup was also, two way. These examples led to finding the last remaining piece in unraveling what had happened to me recently and to us, all those years ago.

Chapter V: Truth be told

Amiela did not survive that ordeal. She was completely destroyed and her heart laid waste. The Amiela that loved me was murdered by this fucking monster. Even if, as of right now I am mounting a rescue and preparing for an offensive to destroy this demon that destroyed us long ago, there might be no Amiela to rescue anymore. Again, I shared my analysis with Amiela, and for a day, we were closer to how we were at the height of our relationship. But this ecstasy is short lived. Soon, she types away... "I'm confused." later followed by the telltale: "I need to be alone."

This is not the same Amiela that loved me. This Amiela is confused because she cannot grasp why she is supposed to feel something for me in the first place. The part that understood this is already gone. She may act, think and sound like the Amiela I love but the truth is, why would she even care? Sarji is dead to her or simply, nonexistent. The Sarji that loves Amiela feels that. He is beginning to accept that this is not the same Amiela he fell in love with. He understands that there is no urgency to rescue anyone anymore. He will build an army still, but it's true purpose lost.

Final thoughts:

Its the same fear that destroyed the old Sarji and Cel. Its the same fear that destroyed my relationship now. This fear creates compelling and intellectually valid, fool proof arguments. They are nothing more than elaborate fucking lies. It took me all these years and a dead girlfriend to figure this out before I can begin to exact a revenge to it. I want it to stop destroying you. Stop it from raping you. Be strong. I really wished Amiela was stronger. But how can you defeat a monster so cunning and manipulative? I wish I knew what I was up against much, much earlier. Putangina papatayin ko yang fear na yan putang ina!!!

For me this lays to rest - the ghosts of you and me. Let's not disappoint and disrespect their memory by making the same mistakes again. Let's not blame our ghosts for that failure. Had they known this info now, I'm sure they'll still be be together, happily ever after.

Day 5

2016-08-07T05:11:00.001-07:00

Profound Changes.

It's a horror roller coaster all right. It's not as freaky as I expect but since its only day 5, I can only speculate what horrors await me.

I've learned a great deal in the span of a few days. There was one particular day that I achieved a phenomenal breakthrough. It was about the fear demon raping and destroying the one I love, everyday for weeks on end before she actually flew out of the country. That day was the first time I actually broke down and saw the magnitude of the shithole I was into. I cried that moment, it opened my eyes to the horror that has taken the one I love.

This insight provided me a new method to destroy this enemy. I drew tremendous strength in the thought of saving her from this demon. Why would I allow her to endure such pain and suffering at the hands of such a filthy and vile creature. I internally regrouped, adjusted my plan from just flying out the soonest to show her that I'm there for her - to I'll raise an army to rescue her and finally destroy this creature once and forever.

This mindset has kept me strong for the past few days. It has given me a renewed purpose in fighting for this relationship to the death. It made me fight for her despite her not fighting for me anymore. How could she fight at this point? She was at the mercy of the fear that has consumed her heart. My resolve is absolute.

That is, until I realized that, the person I am fighting for is no more. That she did not survive. The person I get to talk to now isn't her anymore. The person I loved has died and along with that death, everything that mattered between her and me. The person I loved is dead.

How did I arrive at this truth? I had to remember the details of my breakups from before. Case number 1 is a picture perfect copy of the failure of this relationship. The major difference in this recent one is the LDR trigger. Case no. 2 is that I was the one not ready, and the girl I left behind was so lost for more than 3 years because of our breakup. The clues were there. Why despite the determination to win me back, was my ex so far from my heart and I would not have her back no matter what? Why despite my noblest efforts, my other ex left me for dead.

So what I write now is an autopsy report of how and why these things happen. I have to still have to work hard to raise an army to destroy this demon. This demon who has robbed me and others of the ones they truly love. To be honest, this might bring about a serious setback on my effort to save the one I love. But again, I am faced with the grim reality that she is no more.

Day 2

2016-08-07T04:39:00.001-07:00

I wake up way too early, with under two hours of sleep. Awoken by the sound of my phone - a message alert. I pick it up, sees that's its an airbnb inquiry, then instinctively scanned the screen if she messaged or posted something on fb, who was online in telegram and are they online at the same time.

They were, about a minute apart.

I desperately try to go back to sleep. A few hours later I find myself woefully unsuccessful with a punch to my cement wall to boot.

I'm obsessing to find out if there's something going on with these two. I have more than enough reasons to believe that my relationship failed so swiftly is because of this. The internal argument in my head is that what does it matter to me now anyway? She didn't, couldn't wait to break up with me. She was so focused on the imperfections of our relationship.

Did this guy nourish the seeds of fear in doubt in her head? Why did it grow so fast as if it was the most fertile ground on earth? Doesn't she remember that she barely knows this guy? That any new interested guy will try to impress her, damned her relationship status? Were the imperfections so vile to throw whatever we had like piece of shit trash.

Why is she like that? Isn't this what she was hoping not to do to any of her relationships ever again? I remember she asking help on this and my solution - to show her how loyalty can be blissfully rewarding.

With regard to a girl's need for a sense of security, haven't I lavished her with assurances, in my actions and words.

It just sucks to be here...

Dear cutes

2016-08-02T03:32:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to organize my thoughts regarding our situation right now. And I'll try my best to be as straightforward with my thoughts and intentions as I write this.

Firstly, of course I'm not happy about us going through this right now a week into your NY trip. I know you aren't too.

I cant help but feel disappointed that as early as now - you feel that I'm incapable of taking care of you well into the future.

Note to self: So I guess I'm still too poor to take care of someone I truly love.

Now that we're officially not together, the only consolation I have is I'm not as broken as I usually am. The foundation left in place to protect myself from incidents like this is rock solid and rebuild able.

Thanks for allowing me to hope again. Thanks for letting me show love that I haven't been able to share with anyone else. Thanks that even for a brief period, I have loved and felt loved. We did try, and apart from the reasons of our breakup, dare I say we were very close to perfect for each other.

Take care of yourself. Be strong and don't let anyone treat you less than how I've made you feel while we were together.

Goodbye.