Powerup Apparel

Mushroom Kingdom Exit 3

Chris — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 03:26:02 +0000

Afternoon, mister. Say, you look a bit lost. Pardon me for saying so, but you aren’t from ’round here, are ya?

What tipped me off? Well, for one, you’re the only guy here without a vest. But never mind that. Where ya headed? The big gray fortress? Going for the shortcut to the spade card, eh? Well, you’re lucky you bumped into me. It’s a bit tricky getting there.

You actually gotta turn back the way you came. Go about three or four dancing bushes and take a right on Van Nuys Boulevard. Just stay on there until you get to the freeway, then head south at the on-ramp.

Although, you could just talk to the guy out back. Tell him you’re looking to invest in whistles, he’ll know what you’re talking about. ‘Course, first you’ll need to find that darn hammer. Think it’s in the desert somewh—

Y’know what? Forget all that. Take the Van Nuys, hop on the freeway, and get off on Exit 3. Yup, the exit on this shirt right here. Go ahead, take it, my gift. Those retro black and white symbols look good on that royal blue American Apparel shirt, don’t they?

There ya go, now. Much nicer than a plain old map. Hmm? What’s that? Never you mind what’s in the other two chests, you got a free shirt! It’ll help you on your way. Speaking of which, you should be on your way now, as I’ve got other players to help. This fungus-shaped gas station doesn’t run itself!

Wear this shirt: while outrunning a murderous sun or swimming in frog pajamas.

Buy this shirt for: anyone who prefers an NES to a GPS.

This shirt goes well with: Tanooki suits and Kuribo shoes.

DK Barrel Company

Chris — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 04:45:21 +0000

Welcome to DK Barrel Company!

By now you have received your company-issued DK Barrel employee T-shirt. This boxwood plank-colored uniform sports our timeless logo and signature catchphrase, “That’s how we roll!” In this introductory training session, we’ll explain how to jump the hurdles of failure and climb the ladder to success.

At DK Barrel Company, we know that the modern drum-and-cask industry is ever evolving and fiercely competitive. That’s why we commit ourselves to more than just the manufacture of fine firkins and butts. We also take pride in shaping applicants such as yourself into our company’s most valuable asset: the cooper.

Coopers are sometimes thought of as barrel makers, but this description fails to capture the versatility required of 21st century cooperage. Present-day coopers have earned the nickname “jump-men” for the many hoops, both literal and figurative, that they must jump through when creating a barrel. The contemporary cooper is responsible for fabricating casks of all shapes and sizes, from puncheons and rundlets to kilderkins and tierces. We know this industrial jargon may seem a bit overwhelming right now, but not to worry. In the next few weeks, you’ll participate in seminars and on-site exercises covering ladder fundamentals, intermediate malletry, and primate relations.

But we’ll save those discussions for future sessions. Right now, sit back and relax as we spend the next two hours exploring the expansive and surprisingly complex history of the humble barrel.

Wear this shirt: while challenging Billy Mitchell or hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Buy this shirt for: your local carpenter-plumber, his girlfriend Pauline, or a damned dirty ape.

This shirt goes well with: red overalls, red hats, blue mustaches.

Gene Parmesan: Private Eye

Chris — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 04:11:41 +0000

It’s a hell of a world out there. You may think you know someone. But doesn’t that sound a bit too convenient? Wouldn’t you like to know what your business associate is really up to when he’s out of the office? Don’t you think you owe it to your marriage to find out if your wife’s “sewing circle” is on the up-and-up? That’s where I come in. Gene Parmesan, Private Investigator, at your service. Some folks think that privately funded espionage is a dime-a-dozen business, but Parmesan clients agree that I’m the best.

Sure, you could follow suspects all day in your car, maybe sift through their garbage or mail. But isn’t that just what they’re expecting? You have to play your cards a bit closer to the chest, my friend. I mean, you wouldn’t give a second thought to a boisterous, brightly clad street accordionist would you? Or how about a boisterous, brightly clad hotdog vendor? Of course not. It’s the element of disguise that begets the element of surprise.

It’s all part of my proven strategy to lull the targets into their natural behavior, and comes standard within my billable hours and dry cleaning fees. Call now and I’ll throw in an official Gene Parmesan T-shirt. The lightweight, baby blue fabric is guaranteed to help you blend in with any crowd and lets people know, “Hey! I’ve got Gene’s eye on you!”

Wear this shirt: while standing against a blue wall, fleeing to Mexico, or screaming, “Ahhh! Gene!”

Buy this shirt for: a Quincy Jones aficionado, that aspiring party planner, or your son’s new girlfriend. (Her?)

This shirt goes well with: false noses, spirit gum, an inconspicuous foreign accent.

Knifey Spoony

Chris — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:43:11 +0000

Once upon a time in Australia, at the turn of an era known as “the 90′s”, alcohol-fueled bar sports were limited to simple hand-eye coordination leisure games and fighting. That is until Queenslander Chuck “Chally” Wallas changed the way bar patrons competed forever with the invention of Knifey Spoony. While the official rules were neither recorded nor originally followed, the sport always included at least one knife and an undetermined quantity of spoon-like flatware. Several versions of the sport now exist, some with elaborate house rules involving dunk tanks or red-hot pokers.

Knifey Spoony quickly swept the country, with countless local bars hosting tournaments from coast to coast. Now you can get in on the action with this official jersey commemorating the ’95 Queensland Regional Outback League Championship. With its heather-gray athletic cut and maroon logo, this shirt will make you want to throw back a schooner and yell, “Buggah!”

Wear this shirt: While comparing knives to spoons, enjoying a cold tinny, or starting a fight with some bloke.

Buy this shirt for: English convicts, unruly roommates, or Paul Hogan.

This shirt goes well with: Bowie knifes, Australian bush hats, khaki shorts.

Don’t Take My Word For It

Chris — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:41:40 +0000

What do butterflies, books, and rainbows have in common? Only one thing, unless you’re a well-read, Irish lepidopterist. LeVar Burton’s made-for-grade-school phenomenon “Reading Rainbow” inspired children across the nation to read with one feverish goal in mind: a free personal pan pizza for every five books read. In either a vintage-gold or retro-sunshiney color, you’re sure to attract the attention of affection-starved PBS viewers everywhere. Burton’s classic catchphrase, “But you don’t have to take my word for it” became famous in book reports, with book reporters, and now on your torso! Burton also unintentionally sparked the rise of a little-known but fanatical cult following called LeVar’s Gate, proving once and for all that there are friends to know AND ways to grow with “Reading Rainbow”.

Wear this shirt: Curled up with your favorite book or watching Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Buy this shirt for: Reading enthusiasts, rainbow enthusiasts, “Reading Rainbow” enthusiasts, and enthusiasm enthusiasts.

This shirt goes well with: Your local library card, a copy of “Goodnight Moon”, rainbow suspenders.

Pacman: Final Request

Chris — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:38:22 +0000

Inspired by the true story, this keepsake memorializes one of America’s most pivotal moments in Ghost History. In either a white/black ringed or capped tee, you’re sure to evoke a sense of dignified remembrance wherever you go. Stylized from the Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph taken by Robert H. Jackson, this image tells the harrowing tale of the ghost known simply as “Inky” at the hands of his assailant, as well as his humble final request. Based on evidence including this historical depiction, Patrick “The Pac-Man” Mansfield was convicted and sentenced to 30 years in federal prison. Inky is survived by wife Babs and son Jethro.

Wear this shirt: When you just can’t find the words to express the love you feel for your wife. Or when playing video games.

Buy this shirt for: Video game enthusiasts, Ghost Rights Activists, or members of the Free Pac-Man Now Lobby.

This shirt goes well with: Cherries, stale marshmallows, a dark sense of humor.

Chareth Cutestory

Chris — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:31:53 +0000

Have you been injured handling a loose seal? Accused of dirty dealings overseas? Recently indicted for “light treason”? Chareth Cutestory will fight for you! Whether you’ve been involved in a minor dock incursion or you earn your livelihood on the great salty brine, it always pays to know an experienced maritime lawyer when dealing with the law of the sea. In this all-business navy blue ensemble, no one will even think about cross-examining you. Just read this absolutely real testimonial from a satisfied client:

Hey guy. I was accused of manslaughter after some chick wandered onto my yacht while I was “making it disappear”. C’mon! At first, I thought about fleeing the country to Portugal— you know, down ol’ South America way. But then I heard about Chareth Cutestory, expert in Maritime Law and Law of the Sea. Chareth not only got me acquitted, he also got me $20,000 in the civil suit against the girl’s surviving family! Thanks Chareth!

So the next time you get the short end of the barge pole, don’t get even— get Chareth Cutestory and get Poseidon on their asses! Call now!

Wear this shirt: Whilst visiting Sea World, relaxing by the lake, or returning doves from whence they came.

Buy this shirt for: Your stuck-up law school friend, the neighborhood salty dog, or a “Hot Cop”.

This shirt goes well with: Law encyclopedias, expensive bookends, chocolate-covered bananas.