Practical Childkeeping

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

2014-07-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

I've been a night owl as long as I can remember. When I was in high school I had a 12 inch black and white TV on a little table near my bed. I would stay up every night watching reruns of the Andy Griffith Show and Planet of the Apes until they played The National Anthem and went off air. (People born after the 80s will have to ask someone older what it meant when a TV station went off air.) When TV was done, I would read novels until my eyes burned with dry, tired longing for darkness. Around 3:30 or 4:00 a.m., I'd finally go to sleep for a few hours.

On the weekends I'd sleep in and sometimes I'd nap after school in the afternoons. I must have gotten enough sleep somehow because I managed to grow up healthy. In college I started to be more interested in the purpose of sleep and what happens while one is sleeping. I took a few classes and read a lot of books. I learned a lot about what our bodies do while we sleep and why we dream.

I continued to appreciate my late nights, but as I got older I found more and more of my friends frustrated with sleepless nights and insomnia. In an effort to be helpful, I made a list of sleep tips.

1) It might seem obvious, but cut out caffeine.

2) Go to bed and get up around the same time every day. Your body wants to be on a routine. Force yourself to go to bed and wake up within a 1 hour window every day. Your body will adjust to that schedule.

3) Try a journal. If you are having intense or weird dreams or nightmares, try journaling about your day. Wright down what you did and all the random thoughts floating around in your head. The very act of writing them down, will help your brain organize the thoughts into more manageable chunks before you fall asleep.

4) Keeping a journal will also help you clear your head of cluttering thoughts, to do lists, and stress.

5) Do something relaxing. Deep breathing, a warm bath, stretch, or meditate.

6) Make your room a comfy sanctuary for sleep. Remove distractions - especially those that cause stress.

My daughters are night owls too. I choose to embrace and appreciate that we have that in common rather than fight against it. Using observations and charts, I found their natural sleep time based on when their bodies and minds got tired. And that became bed time. It took some adjusting on both our parts.

We have some of our best talks and funnest family time in the evenings as we all come home from busy days and activities. And, since we all enjoy going to bed later, we can all enjoy sleeping in on weekends. Some of our best warm snuggle moments are in those lazy mornings long after then sun has climbed into the sky.

Giving Children Money (Or Giving Choices to Children)

2013-09-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd posted my views on money and allowance before, but I don't see them here. And, since I'm making more of an effort to keep up with my blog, and, because money stuff comes up almost every day, I guess it's worth spending some time on it again even if I've done it once before...

When Rachel was in elementary school they sold Popsicles on Fridays after lunch for $1 each. I was the volunteer mom who ordered the goodies, stocked the freezer, and arranged for volunteers to sell the treats. I was there a lot of Friday afternoons and I often watched children buy a treat, eat two bites, and then throw it out before heading to recess. My daughter did this a few times before I asked her, "Why do you buy the Popsicle if you don't really want it?" She said, "If I don't buy a Popsicle, I have to give you back the dollar and then I have nothing."

The next week I tried an experiment. I told her that I was giving her $1. I said that it belonged to her. She could chose to spend it at school or save it and keep it for whatever else she wanted. She saved it until after school and spent it on candy at Walgreen's. A similar item, but this time she chose a candy she really wanted and ate it all.

(Please note, my choices here never hurt the overall school sales and I continued to contribute my time and efforts so that there was no significant loss when Rachel bought Friday Popsicles less frequently.)

After this I began giving Rachel a weekly allowance. It was about $5 a week. Whatever the amount, it was about the same amount of money I was spending on "junk" that she asked for when we were out running errands, when we passed a vending machine, or when we stopped at a garage sale. I was spending about $1 each time we went out on some little treat or toy.

And, what was she doing to earn a treat? Behaving? Shouldn't she behave anyway? When I took some time to look at the big picture I saw that I was really wasting my money. She wasn't learning anything valuable. The items went unused or unappreciated minutes after we got home. And, even though it wasn't a lot of money, it was adding up.

Once I started giving Rachel the allowance, it was up to her to buy all that extra stuff with her own money. And, all of a sudden, she became much more picky. She became aware of which candy costs more and which colored pencils lasted the longest. She took more time to consider what she really wanted and often chose nothing in order to avoid wasting her own money. (And, consequently, she and I were no longer wasting my money.)

As time went by, I took it further... on a vacation I would give her extra money; a vacation budget. For example, she might get an extra $40 to spend while we are on vacation. Now she has to chose if she wants to use that money to buy the over priced t-shirt or the less expensive magnet or the stuffed animal to join the thousands of others in her room back home. And, what she didn't spend she could keep. Just like I budgeted money for vacation and if I didn't spend it all, I could then use it for something different back home.

10 years later it's now part of how all money I give her is handled. She gets a weekly allowance and figures out how much she needs for her weekend plans and what else she wants. She chooses if she's going to spend more on snacks at the movie theater or save those dollars for ice cream after the movie. Or, maybe she wants to be frugal and rent a movie and eat what we have in the kitchen for free. She plans ahead making note when she has something expensive coming up and she needs to save. She gets a clothing budget. She can spend it all on the most expensive brand names and have a few items to wear or she can spend it on lots of less expensive clothes. She makes her own choices and works for extra money when she wants more expensive things. Same thing for a haircut. She knows how much I'm willing to pay and she can make an appointment at a salon at that price point or she can pay the difference.

I've done the same with Kate. She gets a weekly allowance and can spend it on whatever goofy items catch her eye. She likes to save up for bigger things more than Rachel did at the same age, but they both understand the value of money and of choosing purchases wisely. I'm proud of how well they do. I think they are both better at it than I am so it's not something they were ever going to learn by my example!

Every child is different and some might not be able to handle the responsibility quite so widely, but I think the whole system has been pretty simple and would work for most families. Some families also have rules about children putting some of their allowance in savings and giving some to charity. You'd have to work that in somehow. In our case I let it be their choice. Both have chosen to put money in savings and to give money to charity on their own and again, I think it's held more meaning because they have had a choice.

Happy Holiday

2013-09-05T22:20:00.000-05:00

Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. As with all new years, milestones, changes in the calendar, or occasions, it's a good time for reflection and resolution. I feel like this coming year will be one of particular change. My daughters will turn 16 and 9. I feel like they are going to change and grow into new stages where they don't need as much from me on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute basis. Maybe I'm just seeing them become more independent. I'll also turn 42 in the coming year. That's not a milestone birthday, but it seems like a time to say, "I'm in my 40s and so I'm taking stock and seeing what I want to accomplish before I'm 50."

With all that in mind, I resolve to focus in on a single idea... accountability. I want to make double super sure that I'm holding myself accountable for my beliefs and priorities. In the coming year I will put more emphasis on assessing myself to be sure I'm heading down paths I desire, meeting goals I've set, and living into the space I've chosen.

I also want to hold my children more accountable for their responsibilities. Neither of them are slackers in follow through, but there's room for more. More goal setting and more being realistic about time lines and motivation. Both girls are great at making a plan, but also really flexible about changing the plan. Flexibility is great. Really great. And useful. But, it also allows one to opt out of the original plan. To make it easier. To move the deadline. But, shouldn't there be a compelling reason to change the plan? It's something for us to look at together in the coming year.

Gracious

2013-09-05T21:47:00.000-05:00

Today is Mother's Day and my sweet daughters (with Daddy's help) gave me such lovely gifts.

Kate made me a "Momanator" which is a little buzzer that has a key on attached. The key guides me to press the buzzer once if I want her to turn off the TV, twice for her to brush her teeth, and so on up to six to get hugs and kisses.

Other gifts include a new light fixture in my room, lavender scented candles, a Starbuck's gift card, picture frames and more.

Rachel did most of the shopping and all the wrapping. I'm proud of her for taking on the responsibility.

As I opened my gifts and looked at my pretty girl's expectant faces, I thought about how much it means to have your gifts received graciously. When I selects and give a gift, I'm trying to convey a message that the person or the occasion is important to me. I want them to know that they are thought of and well known and appreciated. A well received gift is like an acknowledgement that I've done it right.

That's why thank you notes are such a nice tradition. I insist that my children send thank you notes. I send thank you notes for the gifts I receive. I love sending them in response to gifts that are touching gestures of friendship. And, I love receiving thank you notes and knowing that my gift was received with the intention I intended.

When my daughters send thank you notes they are learning to receive gifts graciously. They are learning to appreciate what they are given. And, I hope, they are learning that it would be rewarding to give gifts well. To give from the heart. To give of themselves.

I well chosen gift keeps on giving. It gives pleasure to the new owner, but it also gives the owner a chance to show her joy and that might be the greater gift.

Proud

2012-05-11T22:59:00.002-05:00

Recently my grandparents, who are in their 80s, moved to live nearby. My parents moved to this area 5 years ago and now my grandparents. This summer an aunt will follow with her family and in less than a decade my family will be "from" Chicagoland instead of Nebraska. My children and their cousins will be a generation from a completely different place than the generations from which they came.

My grandparents are amazing. They are independent and resourceful and full of joy and life. They have moved near family which helps with these kinds of transitions, but it's also amazing and impressive that they made such a big move in this phase of life.

They actually lived in Chicago when they were first married. My grandfather went to Northwestern and my grandmother worked as a secretary. They have great stories about their little apartment and about living in the big city.

When I watch them prepare Shabbat dinner for four generations of their family, I'm so proud to come from people who are so strong. I'm proud of them for living admirable lives, for being role models, for showing grace in times of illness, and for starting a family that is as amazing as my family is. They taught us all the importance of supporting one another and it's that support that keeps us close and connected.

Duck and Cover or Smile and Wave?

2012-05-10T23:35:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I cringe or cry because one of my lovely daughters has to face something ugly, difficult, harsh, or cruel in the world. I want to protect them and comfort them and keep them safe and happy all the time. I want to hide them behind me and shield them from the challenges of an unfair world that might not realize - My Girls Are Special! And, as such special girls, they shouldn't be faced with the possibility of pain.

These times are even more daunting when I see that I had a missed opportunity to head off the storm. When I can see that my patience or blindness or trust allowed a circumstance to grow or fester, I wear the blame with a heavy, heavy heart.

I know that I can't protect them from every situation. I know that learning about the world and growing up both come with consequences and lessons learned and that they will be better, stronger, more accomplished adults because of the challenges they conquer.

And then... today, Rachel proved again how amazing and brave and special she is. When my she stepped boldly into that harsh light and faced her challenges head on with firm steps and one eye on the bright horizon; then I knew that the universe had ticked us into receiving a gift when we thought we were looking at a flaming bag of shit.

My first response to so many things is to duck and cover. Rachel so readily stands at the threshold with a smile and a wave. I'm so proud of her!

No, I don't want to build a fort

2011-10-14T20:46:00.003-05:00

One of the things I had to learn early on with Rachel was that we didn't like many of the same things. Basically, if we wanted to do something together, one of us was going to be doing something she didn't like. I started to carve out the delicate balance between being her supporter and doing whatever she wanted so she could have all her little dreams come true, and my own sanity.

One year Rachel planned a Mother's Day outing to go shopping at a mall. I hate shopping. I'm not crazy about malls. It's my special day. I had to go along so that I wouldn't disappoint her and I went with a smile on my face and had the best time I could. It's the thought that counts with that one and I know she was trying to give me the best. And that was a gift in itself.

One of my mommy-jobs is to teach my children how to think of other's feelings. If the activity, game, task, outing, is going to leave someone feeling sad, overwhelmed, overburdened, overspent, left out, tired, or stressed - then it needs a second look. Sometimes, even if that someone is me. Sometimes I say, "I know you plan on cleaning up after, but I'm sure I'm going to end up having a long day putting the kitchen back together. That means I won't have time to take you to the park. Or that means I won't have time to put away the laundry. Or that means I won't have time to read my book. Is this so important to you that you will give up the park, help with the laundry or that I should give up my time to read?"

Sometimes one of us ends up disappointed, but I think that's ok. Disappointment is part of life. Learning to accept that some things take extra work and some times things don't work out perfectly - these are lessons best learned when the consequences are small.

Kate wants to have a yard sale. She talks about it almost daily. I have explained that we have a dog who doesn't like company at our house. The idea of having people come and go all day will make Jane so sad and so stressed. It could actually hurt her. Kate still tries to find ways around this obstacle, but the fact is, a yard sale is not a good plan for the family.

I want my daughters to have fond memories of fun times at home and with me. And we do. We do a lot of fun and a lot of laughter. And, I want my daughters to take me outside my comfort zone and challenge me to try new things. And they do. The balancing act is challenging, but it's an activity on which we can all agree.

That's Not Weird At All

2011-06-19T00:04:00.003-05:00

We all have our own idea about what's strange. What seems normal to one person might seem odd to another. There are norms in each society that most people agree upon, but even those change from one society to the next.

Given that strange is different for each person and each community, is it possible that nothing is really strange at all? That unexpected things are part of a big picture I just didn't notice until that moment. That everything fits together exactly as it should and the weird stuff comes when I try and impose my expectations on the universe?

How about undesirable behavior? Think of the person in your life that annoys you... maybe she's a coworker or he's a cousin... someone you have to interact with who makes you cringe. Now, does everyone in the whole world react the same way to that person? There must be someone who likes him or her. Are they married? Do they have a mother? Someone likes them. Or, at least likes them more than you do. And, maybe someone hates them or likes them less than you do. That person's undesirable behavior is only undesirable because you don't like it. Another person might find it admirable or brave or funny or helpful.

You have very little control over how other's behave, but you have 100% control over how you interpret their behavior. Maybe you can convince yourself that there's a nugget of useful, entertaining, comforting communication in that person. If you can, you could shift your relationship with them from annoying to tolerable or even enjoyable. All you have to do is decide that it's not so strange.

Flying with Children

2011-06-18T23:18:00.003-05:00

I used to have a multi-page guide with tips on how to fly with children. Anyone seen it? I don't usually lose track of things like that. It's bothering me that I can't find it.

It's actually somewhat outdated because I wrote it before security was as tight as it is now and when there were no changing tables in airport bathrooms. But, I think some of the overall themes would still apply.

My biggest piece of advise is to stay calm. A lot of people are anxious at the airport and on planes. It might be fear of flying or the stress of travel or concern about the destination. But, any parent knows that their child picks up on their mood. If you are anxious or worried, your child will be scared. He or she will only understand that something is wrong. Travel should be exciting and fun. Take note of your mood and lighten it. Enjoy the adventure and share that pleasure with your child. Everyone will have a better trip.

(This is when Rachel would start to point out all the times I have not done that. I think I get it right more often than not, but the failures stand out and Rachel's got a list of them. When she brings it up I have to sigh, admit the mistake, say I'll do better, and remind her to do as I say and not as I do.)

Packing for your trip is another key preparation piece. You want to pack everything you need, but also pack light enough that you don't strain yourself dragging it all around the airport. Take some time to think about what you need on the plane and what you can check. And pack your stuff in a carry on that's easy to carry. (Backpacks are good.) And pack things in the order you'll need them. If you can, bundle them in groups by purpose - the diaper changing stuff together, the toys together, etc.

Pack ziplock bags for wet clothes and dirty toys. You can keep these things separated from your clean stuff until you arrive at your destination. I also suggest packing a clean shirt for mom and maybe for dad too. You'll be happier if you are comfortable and we all know there are a dozen ways for kids to make their parents wet, dirty, or sticky.

When I've flown with my daughters, I've always gotten them tickets. I know that you can bring a baby on your lap and save the money, but I've never done it that way. Anyone who knows me know that the extra cost is not an easy choice, but it's what I've done because I can't see managing all the things I need and want in the space of one seat - and with a baby on my lap.

I bring the infant seat on the plane and 9 out of 10 times, I've managed to strap them into their seat and having a comfortably sleeping baby for the whole flight. It's like being on a long car ride and they fall asleep from the motion and the sound. I don't think that would happen in my arms with me moving around and it also frees me up to enjoy the flight reading.

The FAA also recommends having babies strapped in their car seats until they are old enough to sit up in a regular seat with a seat belt. Turbulence comes on suddenly and I've dropped all sorts of things when a plane has bumped unexpectedly. There are scary videos of babies flying out of their parents arms and bouncing around the plane during turbulence. If you wouldn't let your baby bounce around in a car, why let them on a plane?

I think the thing parents worry about most when they fly with a baby or toddler is the diaper situation. It's not easy to change children in awkward settings, but it happens and we all get through it. If possible, change the baby at the airport where there's a nice big bathroom with a nice big changing table. If you have to change a baby on the plane follow these simple steps:

Smile and pretend you are on Fear Factor and that you will win money if you accomplish this.
Gather one clean diaper, the wipes, one zip lock bag, and sanitizer
Take off as much of the baby's clothes as possible while still in the seat area. You don't have a lot of space, but it's still more than you'll have in the bathroom.
Take the baby, the diaper, wipes, and sanitizer to the bathroom and look for a changing table. If there is one in there, you lucked out. Nice work.
If there is no changing table you have two choices. You can sit on the toilet and lay the baby on your lap while changing her. This works, but use wipes and paper towels to protect your pants and keep one hand on the baby since your lap is probably not really flat or equipped with sides to keep her from rolling off. Second option is to change the baby with one hand while you hold her under her arms with your other hand. I prefer this method and practiced at home before each flight. It's actually pretty slick once you get the hang of it. (This method can also be used in the future when you are out someplace and the changing table is gross.)
Use the zip lock bag for the dirty diaper and wipes. No reason to leave a super stinky for everyone else to experience after you leave the bathroom.

When you fly with older children, there's not nearly as much to manage. The keeping clam part still applies, but you can communicate and be honest about what's going on if a flight is delayed or something unexpected happens. Everything gets easier with communication.

When you fly with children of any age, I suggest bringing snacks. I think it's a given for parents with toddlers - you get used to taking snacks every place. But older kids will get hungry on long flights and if you are delayed, a snack sure makes the time pass more easily.

Encourage children to help choose what to pack for the plane and it's nice if they can each have their own carry on bag with their toys, stuffed animal, and snack. (And a change of clothes is always a good idea.) Help children pick things they can use on the plane and things that don't have too many small pieces to drop or lose. I always pack one or two new toys to have on the plane too. Something they can do on the plane like draw or read or play cards or silly putty. Toys with magnets are good since it's harder to lose the pieces. Sometimes I even wrap it up like a real present. It's fun to open something and get the full surprise experience.

I'm going to keep looking for my original instructions and maybe I'll add some tips when I see what else I had on my list.

Too Many Choices

2011-06-09T19:36:00.002-05:00

I've started to think that a lot of our modern problems stem from having too many choices. There are a lot of great things about having options - for health care, education, employment, television. But, sometimes it's too much. Sometimes having too many choices leaves a person settling without any satisfaction.

Have you ever been to a restaurant where the menu is so big and so complex that you start to feel like you can't make the best choice? I feel like I can't really pick from the whole menu and so I have to pick a category and then choose from within that section. This is not really a big problem. A person should just be glad they get to choose their food. But, it's an example. Too many choices and you just can't possibly process them all.

It also seems that we start to over-think and over-analyze our problems when the solutions are plentiful. If your child is falling behind in school, you could just spend an hour ever night studying together. See if that works. Or, you could spend weeks researching tutors and education centers, learning disabilities and learning styles. You could make lists of pros and cons and study all your options. You could schedule testing and assessments. Meanwhile, valuable time is slipping by and your child is falling further behind.

Sometimes having all those options can really save a child from being lost in an academic mold. Sometimes having all those options can give a family a chance to try something new when the first thing doesn't work. Sometimes it's really helpful. I can see that. But, I can also think of so many times when I talked with someone about their options for a situation for such a long time - that we explored so many options - we never could really understand the big picture.

People say that the world is getting smaller as we have more access to distant places. I think the world is the same size, but we're squeezing too much into it.

Mamba Snakes

2011-06-05T22:52:00.002-05:00

This year in Kindergarten, each student was assigned an animal to learn about and present to the class. Kate got Mamba Snakes. Together we learned that they are fast and poisonous and that they come in several colors including black and green. We learned that they lay eggs and that they will eat any small animal and that their predators are large birds, like eagles. We frequently discussed that they live in Africa - far from us.

Kate worked really, really hard to learn these facts. It was a big challenge and I was really proud of her.

Also in school, each child made a habitat and ceramic replicas of their animals. Kate made two snakes and a little cardboard home. It has a bird in the sky that they might want to escape and a bird on the ground that they might want to eat.

On Thursday night we went to a school program and after, the students took home their animals and habitats. We went out to dinner. Kate and Rachel were each had one of Kate's snakes in the restaurant. And they both broke.

First Kate broke hers. She showed me right away, but was pretty calm and when I told her we could glue it back together at home, she was perfectly happy to just play with her broken snake. She was so calm about the whole thing that no one else at the table even knew her snake was broken.

A few minutes later Rachel accidentally broke the other snake. She felt terrible and was signalling me about the problem trying not to alert Kate. When I realized what had happened, I said again that we could glue it together and I told Kate. Kate was still fine with it. Rachel apologized, and the rest of dinner continued.

We've all been in situations where we are upset about something and another person can't understand why the situation is of so much concern. And we are sometimes in situations where we are trying to understand why others are upset about a situation when we are not. It's all a matter of perspective, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to see things from the other person's point of view.

It seems like a broken art project that you worked hard on would be an automatic upset. And, when you sister (even a sister who you love and like and admire) also breaks your project, it seems you would need to be consoled. Kate's calm response is a comfort and a reminder not to make a big deal of things. The snakes would be fixed and all would be fine. And she just trusted that that would be true.

Blessings

2011-01-10T22:57:00.002-06:00

I'm so emotional tonight. My friends, in November, made the difficult choice to change their family path and their her daughter in home hospice. Ellie has been a bundle of joy and life for so many years, but not enough of them. Her 11th birthday is coming later this month.

Ellie's aunt is compiling memories and thoughts to put in a book and share with her parents and I'm so moved by their bravery in the face of an impossible situation. Here's what I shared:

Dear Kennedy Family,

I first met Debi and Thom when Ellie was still hanging out in Debi's
tummy. I remember that Debi and I shared a laugh because she'd just
read that she needed to eat all these certain foods to ensure that her
baby be healthy and we agreed that it seemed improbable that the
weight of a child's life could rest on how many cantaloupe a person
eats. I thought to myself that this was a lucky baby to be born to a
mom who was real and honest and so obviously in love with her baby's
daddy. That seemed like a very good family to be born into.

One time when Rachel and I came to visit the Kennedy's there was a
potty chair in the living room - a conveniently placed reminder for
Ellie (Betsi then) that she could give it a try. Rachel had only just
finished learning to use the bathroom a short time before and I found
nothing about the potty amusing. Ellie came in a put her foot in the
empty potty and laughed and laughed while she looked at me. I
marveled at this girl who could find so much joy in an item that had
been my nemesis for so many months. Later, when I talked to a friend
about the day, my friend said that Ellie seemed to be a girl who could
find joy anywhere and I thought, "I should take a lesson from that."

On December 2, 2008, I sent the following message to the huggle
snuggle shop and got the following response. (Yes, I saved it - it's
very valuable):
"I'm so frustrated because our oven is broken and we don't have the
money to fix it and I want to make sugar cookies so Rachel won't be
the only one without a sugar cookie at Hebrew School on Thursday. I
think a hug would help."
"So sorry to hear about your oven. When I told Ellie you need a
huggle snuggle and could she throw you one, she said, "No, I won't
throw her one, I'll throw her a LOT." Hope you felt 'em."

I loved being with you for the Celebration of Life and I will always
remember participating in a walk to raise funds for pediatric cancer
research. (Go Team B!) I'll remember all you taught me as role
models (like how to compost) and all your strength and bravery.

You've inspired me to count my blessings and to appreciate every
second of joy and love I experience. I'm blessed to have know you.
As your lives continue, I hope that your memories and your blessings
are comforts to you. The roller coaster of life has given you some
extra ups and downs and, I hope you find some smooth times ahead.
Give extra hugs to Ben and Lotta and all of your children will be in
my thoughts all the time.

Warmly,

The Celebration of Life was a wonderful experience. It was back in the days when Betsy and I were trying our hand at a party planning business. I helped Debi and Thom plan a party to celebrate Ellie's one year of survival after her surgery. It was a true celebration and a joy.

Huggle Snuggles were special hugs that Ellie would send to anyone. Thom set up a web site where we could order them online (for free) and then Ellie would send them out in the universe and we could really feel them. Giving, giving, giving.

I'm going to go count my blessings again.

On Duty

2011-01-08T15:05:00.004-06:00

I think there's a line in the movie "A Few Good Men" where someone explains that we (the general population) are able to sleep well at night because someone else is willing to put their life on the line to protect us. And I agree.

Recently two firefighters in Chicago died fighting a fire. Firefighters wait around until we need to be protected, often from ourselves, and then they come in and put themselves at risk to keep us safe. They do what I'm afraid to do and rush into the danger to protect us.

The comparisons are obvious. Police approach a suspicious and potentially dangerous situation so that I can stay snug in my home watching reruns of Bones. They keep the peace so that I can rest assured that my family is relatively safe.

And soldiers. Any better example? Sometimes leaving their family to live and work under extreme conditions, risking their lives and their health to protect our country. Last month Rachel and I were at the airport when a soldier was arriving home from Iraq. They announced over the intercom that he'd be arriving and that everyone was invited to welcome him at his gate.

Around 100 people gathered outside the gate to wait for this man. While we waited, I told Rachel that before airport security changed in the fall of 2001, there were always a lot of people waiting outside a gate. Whole families gathered to welcome fathers home from business trips and students home from college. We waited anxiously for our friends and family to get off plans and watched the door for them to arrive. Now we circle the airport outside baggage claim and greet our guests in the car. The world has changed in so many, many ways over the last 10 years.

But, back to that day at the airport - we all waited at the gate for this soldier to arrive home. We saw that he had family there. Nieces and Nephews who'd made posters and sisters with tears in their eyes as they answered stranger's questions. He's been gone 7 months. He'll be home 3 days. He'll be gone again until March. 3 days. Can you imagine?

The man from the USO (who looked a lot like Santa Clause) spoke to the crowd. He said that this man getting off the plane didn't know anyone was waiting for him at the gate. He would be coming off to a big surprise. The man said, "When he gets off the plane, I want to hear some noise. This man is a marine. Make him blush. " And we did. The noise when he came through the door was awesome. (And I mean that in the literal sense -- something that inspires awe.)

So, maybe some people came to clap and cheer because they were board waiting for their own flights. Maybe it was the general joy of the holiday season. But, I like to think that all those people were clapping for the reason I was -- to say thank you for keeping my family safe. Thank you for doing what I wasn't willing or able to do. Thank you for standing up for me when I'm safe at home. Thank you for being a role model about how to fight for what's important and how to protect what's valuable. These are good lessons.

Yes, I sobbed the whole time.

After I got Rachel on the plane and started driving home, I turned on the radio. First song to play was "An American Soldier" by Toby Keith. Here are the lyrics:

I'm just trying to be a father,
Raise a daughter and a son,
Be a lover to their mother,
Everything to everyone.
Up and at 'em bright and early,
I'm all business in my suit,
Yeah, I'm dressed up for success from my head down to my boots,
I don't do it for the money, there's bills that I can't pay,
I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway,
Providing for our futures, my responsibility,
Yeah I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be,
And I can't call in sick on Mondays when the weekend's been too strong,
I just work straight through the holidays,
And sometimes all night long.
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dying's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with an honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.
I'm an American Soldier, an American,
Beside my Brothers and my Sisters I will proudly take a stand.
When liberty's in jeopardy I'll always do what's right.
I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight.
American Soldier,
I'm an American Soldier.

Yeah, an American Soldier,
An American.
Beside my Brothers and my Sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I'll always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, so sleep in peace tonight.

American Soldier,
I'm an American,
American,

American Soldier.

"Yep. That's what I was thinking."

My father and grandfather are both veterans. My grandfather was in WWII. My father was in Vietnam. He has an amazing story; that I'll save for another day. But, he fought for all of you and for his own family, who didn't even exist yet. He left home to go to this strange and dangerous place to fight an unnamed war because it was just the right thing to do. And he literally risked his life to get back home and build the family that the soldiers and police and firefighters protect today. Another awesome thing.

Target in my Control

2010-08-28T22:59:00.002-05:00

My youngest daughter, Kate, started kindergarten earlier this week. On the first day of kindergarten, I took the day off work. I dropped her off and I was there to pick her up. She had a great first day of school and everything went smoothly.

Our arrangement for the year is that my dad will pick Kate up from school each day. Some days she has other activities, but most days, they'll be together for the afternoon. (Our kindergarten is only half day.) Dad picked Kate up from preschool all last year, so they are good at this routine. And they really like it. Dad is a great playmate for Kate. He loves to come up with new ideas and loves to take her to all the places that she enjoys. They go to Chicago a lot and they have fun adventures. They are both getting to have a very special experience and, rightfully so, it's the envy of many of my friends.

So, on the second day of kindergarten I'd asked Dad to send me a text message when he arrived at the school and when he actually had Kate. I knew that it wouldn't be any problem, but I was still a little anxious. New place, new routine, new parking restrictions, new time of day. I just wanted to be sure that all went according to plan.

Dad, being funny and also retired military, sent me the following text about an hour before he was scheduled to pick up Kate:

Dad: Nanny1 to boss lady; at pick up point code name Ravinia. Have doors under surveillance. Standing by.

(I thought that was hilarious and joined in, responding...)

Me: Roger that. Update as situation develops.

Dad: No change as of 10:36.

Dad: No change as of 11:21. Will move in closer to door E2 and observe.

Dad: 11:25 large group forming at E2, 11F, 2M, 3C

Dad: First group out. No joy on target yet. Mob stable.

Me: Keep a sharp eye!

Dad: On the job. Have not missed a target in years.

Dad: Target in my control!

That last line was the funniest part because, while Dad is the grown up and drives the car and pays for things, Kate is really always the one in control.

I'm lucky to have such a great dad who gives up so much of his own time to be with my children. And does so in ways that they enjoy. The memories they build together are priceless.

At Least You Aren't Chained to a Wall

2010-07-02T17:12:00.004-05:00

A couple of years ago I went to a conference in Chicago for the Points of Light Foundation. At the conference, we had a speaker from an Improv group in Denver called Chicken Lips. The presentation was called, "Laugh Like Your Life Depends on It." I don't remember the presenter's name, so I'll call him Mike.

Mike spoke to us for a long time about the power of laughter. He told a lot of funny stories and also spoke about facts in relation to how laughter lowers your blood pressure and increases your life expectancy. He talked about people he'd worked with who were miserable without laughter and people who became healthy after laughter was introduced to their lives. I'm sure you can imagine the kind of funny, interesting things he shared, but one story was particularly compelling.

When we were kids there was a group of Americans who were held hostage in Iran. Do you remember that? They were held for six years. One of the men held was from Denver and he and Mike were friendly acquaintances before he went to Iran. (I don't remember his name either, so I'm going to call him Charlie.) Mike knew Charlie was going to Iran. He had taken some kind of teaching position and would be gone for a year. He was excited about the adventure.

Soon after moving to Iran, Charlie was kidnapped and held hostage. For two years he was kept chained to a wall; constantly. For six years he did not see sunlight; at all. He never knew if his family was OK. He never knew if he would survive. He never knew if his country had forgotten him or if anyone in the world was even looking for him missing body.

When Charlie was released and returned to Denver, Mike made arrangements to meet with him. After the usual talk about how glad everyone is that everyone is all right, Mike asked Charlie how he made it through that time. Charlie said, "Laughter." He went on to explain that they (the hostages) had nothing else to rely on. They worked hard every day to find something to laugh about. It was challenging and some days the laughter was very hard to find. But, they knew that they had to do something and that finding laughter and laughing was all they had. They used it as a tool to help one another and to keep themselves alive.

Mike told us that he went with Charlie to the DMV to get his new driver's licence. (Because he'd been gone 6 years and it had expired.) The lines were long and the service was slow and it was several hours before Charlie reached the front of the line. When he did, the woman at the counter recognized him and apologised that he'd had to wait such a long time. Charlie said, "At least I wasn't chained to a wall."

After that Charlie picked up his life right where he left off. He placed his hostage experience in his past and focused on the present and the future. He used laughter to get him through the after-effects of his ordeal and he lived his life. According to Mike, Charlie, seems like every other regular guy who has a regular happy life.

And, Mike has had opportunity to meet with other men who were members of the Iran hostage group. He says some kept that laughter and put their experience in their past and moved forward. He says they are doing great. He says that there are also some who couldn't put their hostage experience in their past and that they have been unable to lead successful and fulfilling lives.

When I heard this story I thought of a friend of mine. She's got small children and lives far from her family and somewhat isolated from the people and interests that support her. Of course she is not a hostage in Iran chained to a wall without seeing sunlight for six years. But, there are some similarities.

Every day holds challenges that are real and are sometimes large. But, she is a graceful, joyous, lovely person who loves her family and who has a great power to appreciate humor in many situations.

Over the next six years she will use laughter as her tool to living a happy life and to having a happy home. Laughter is going to be a source of health and sanity and she'll find it every day - even when it's really hard to find.

Unlike the hostages, she will know that at the end of a few years her pre-schoolers will grow into lovely young children who can do more for themselves and she will remember the days of sippy cups and snuggly bedtime stories. In the meantime, she'll change diapers and teach her children to share. In her mind she'll whisper to herself, "Hey, at least you aren't chained to a wall."

Kate Quotes - starting and ending with baboons

2010-07-01T23:56:00.007-05:00

Here's a list of random things Kate's said over the last year. She's wise and funny.

"I won't be able to dance with a baboon at prom. I'll be busy dancing with monkeys."

"If you want a boy to know that you want him to love you, you just kiss him and then he knows that you want to be his princess. His mom will yell at you, but he will love you and then he will marry you and buy you a lot of stuff."

I told Kate I was going to the bathroom and she jumped up saying, "Want to go to a spa bathroom?" Sure. She proceeded to talk in what I think was a British accent and conduct me into the bathroom, turning on the light and lifting the lid for me. She wished me well and closed the door as she left. When I came out, she was waiting with sanitizer and kept calling me, "Darling."

"You have to stay on the right path in life. On the other path there are dragons and trout."

"This woman married a boy who was rich because she thought it would be nice to have everything. But, he was really mean and made her do all the chores alone and yelled at her all the time. She tricked him into hating her so that he would move away and leave her with all the money. And then she married her true love who was her boyfriend all along."

Kate sang the blues and played her harmonica all the way home in the car. Cute and loud. Some lyrics, "And his name was pants. And that's a weird name. Blub, blub."

Kate said, "I can't sleep because Walter's playing his tuba too loud." (Walter is her stuffed llama.)

I told Kate to finish up her orange slices because it was almost time for bed. She said, "I can't make any promises."

I said, "Kate, you are getting so good and dressing yourself everyday." Kate said, "Can I drive the car now?"

When Rachel doesn't do what Kate wants, Kate says, "Rachel, it's in the Sister Manual. You have to do it. It says right here." And she points at an imaginary manual.

Today Kate decided to become a picky eater. She never has been before, but today she was picky and only picking things we didn't have. I said, "What happened to you? When did you become a picky eater?" Kate said, "My teachers broke me. They didn't know how to use me correctly and now I'm broken." Then she proceeded to argue and do the opposite of what I asked all day - blaming those darn teachers for breaking her.

Kate was watching TV in my parent's room and she came out and said to my mom, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I spilled popcorn all over your bed. Wait. No. That's the bad news. The good news is that I found a nickel."

"I hope when I have a baby it's either a girl or a boy." Always thinking.

Kate's teacher told me that Kate and another girl were playing house. Kate said to her friend, "Let's pretend to be evil babysitters." The teacher said, "What did you say?" Kate said, "Llamas. I said we should be llamas." The teacher said, "You aren't in trouble. I just wanted to know what you said." Kate said, "Oh. Evil babysitters. I said we should be evil babysitters."

"I want to be a rockstar. Or a baboon."

Halloween Costume List

2010-06-28T23:36:00.005-05:00

Rachel's Halloween Costumes:

1998: Scarecrow

1999: Yellow M & M

2000: Tasmanian Devil

2001: Shrek

2002: Army Man

2003: Mermaid

2004: Ghost Bride

2005: Whoopie Cushion

2006: Ghost / Zombie with Black Hood

2007: Candy Corn

2008: Pirate

2009: Minnie Mouse

Kate's Halloween Costumes:

2005: Pumpkin

2006: Cheetah Cat

2007: Pink Princess

2008: White Dress Snow Princess

2009: Classic Black Hat Witch

Halloween

2010-06-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's fun and silly and a celebration. It has a fascinating history, but has been altered to fit culture and society. And, Halloween is always exactly what you expect it to be.

One of the primary flaws in holiday celebrations is that we set our expectations too high. We want a magical midnight kiss on New Year's Eve. We curiously unwrap gifts hoping for the perfect delight several times a year. We anxiously anticipate cards, well wishes, and parties only to look back and think they fell short. That's not to say that all holidays are disappointing or that they don't deliver any joy. It's just that they are inconsistent. You don't know if your expectations will be met. Some people love that gamble, that anticipation. Not me.

All those expectations and critical thoughts are unfair. They deplete the joy. But, we do it anyway. Halloween has never been like that for me. It's always just want is expected. Even the unpredictable parts of Halloween are easily planned and prepared for; ensuring success.

I don't dress in costume beyond a set of cat ears or a Halloween earrings and socks. I've long since learned that I don't find costumes fun. But, no one cares if you dress or not for Halloween. You are invited to enjoy no matter your level of participation (1 point for Halloween).

I help the kids choose costumes that allow them to move around and allow the addition of a coat or jacket under or over if necessary. We usually start with something store bought, but often add our own finishing touches. We spend months talking about and selecting Halloween costumes. Rachel changes her mind a lot as the day draws near, so we don't make our final selection until mid-October.

We play a game in our neighborhood where you sneak up on a house and leave a bag of candy and a sign that the people have been visited by a Halloween ghost. They are instructed to visit three more people leaving candy. Every time we are visited we're thrilled. We carefully pick who to visit next hoping that they won't figure out who we are. Rachel runs up to the door to ring the bell and drop the bag while I keep them motor running on the street. She dives back into the car with and we slowly drive away. (Safety first.)

Funny Kate Story... When Kate was 3, I wanted her to wear the Tasmanian Devil costume that Rachel had worn wore when she was almost 3, but since Kate is so tall, I wasn't sure it would fit. I got it out to try on her and when she saw it she thought it was really funny. She liked that is was so fuzzy and cuddly and cute. It's one of those big plush costumes that is a body suit and you step in and zip up the front and then your head is peaking out of the animal's mouth.

So, I'm putting it on Kate and she's looking down at the row of teeth that will be going along her belly and she realizes what's happening and starts screaming, "It's eating me!" I try to reassure her that it's just a costume and that she likes it and it's fun, but she's pleading with me, "Mommy. Help. It's eating me." I just keep putting the costume on.

Once the costume is on, she calms down and I'm showing her how cute she is with her little paws and then I take her to the mirror so she can see the whole image. When she sees herself with her face sticking out of the mouth, she loses it again, "It's eating me! It's eating me!" So, I take the whole thing off and I'm holding her and saying that I'm sorry and that she's safe and that it was just a toy costume and I wouldn't let anything eat her. She looks at me with her wet-from-tears face and says, "I just wanted to be a mermaid."

Well, we have a mermaid costume too. Rachel wore that a couple years later. So, I get it out and she puts it on and she dances and "swims" around the house and is the happiest girl.

That's the magic of Halloween.

Honey, Who Shrank the Toys?

2010-03-12T20:34:00.001-06:00

Tonight Kate put on several different costumes and each time she came into the room she announced that she was a princess or a fairly or whatever. Then she came in as herself and asked where all the other guests had gone. Then she came in next holding several little people toys and said, "Look what happened out the guests! They shrank."

Observations of Jesus

2009-12-28T23:21:00.003-06:00

Since we're Jewish, my daughters haven't seen a lot of pictures of Jesus. We don't have him in our books or when we go pray. They certainly see him from time to time, but might not always realize who they are seeing.

When Rachel was about three we were in Calvary Lutheran Church in Omaha for Chuck's sister's wedding. My mom was there - to attend and enjoy and also to help with Rachel while we all got ready for the wedding.

Mom took Rachel to walk around the Church and they came to stand in front of a giant stained glass window. If I remember right, it stands about 10 feet high and has an image of Jesus, bigger than life, in a pasture with sheep. Rachel stood there with my mom looking at the window and then said, "He's going to get into trouble for being outside without any shoes on." Yes, indeed, pasture Jesus was standing in the field in his bare feet.

Today my parents took Kate (who is four) to the Art Institute of Chicago. They had a great time and saw many, many pieces of art. When they stopped to look at a miniature display replica of a church Kate saw the crucifix and said, "That guy doesn't look too happy to be hanging up there."

Took Kate Ice Skating

2009-12-27T17:51:00.002-06:00

Today Rachel and I took Kate ice skating for the first time. For a few years, Rachel was really into ice skating. I logged a lot of hours reading on the bleachers while she skated. But, we have hardly been to the rink the last two years and Kate's never been on skates. She was so excited to go.

We all got dressed in our sweaters and skates and off onto the ice we went. I took Kate around the rink a total of three times. We had to stop frequently, but she did really well. She needed to hold on to me or Rachel the whole time. But, she had fun.

One reason she wasn't really getting the hang of skating is that every time she started to slip (which was pretty often) she would run her legs all wild - cartoon style. It was cute, but took a toll on poor mom - who was holding her up the whole time. We only fell once.

The other reason she wasn't making much progress was that she kept talking to everyone skating by. She was introducing herself, telling people her address, asking questions. She just wasn't really focused on skating - too many new people to talk to. She wanted to talk to me too. She wanted to pretend we were on an adventure at a castle. Later, that we were explorers. I kept having to remind her to focus on skating.

After skating and a vending machine snack we sat on the bleachers watching the skaters. Some of Rachel's friends where there. Kate saw one of hers from school. We saw a favorite teacher's sister-in-law. Talked to another friend. I love living in a small town.

As we started down the bleachers to leave, they brought out the Zamboni to clean. Kate's eyes lit up. She grabbed my arm and pointed - speechless. We hurried down to stare, her nose pressed against the safety glass, at the Zamboni as it went round and round. Kate asked about 400 questions about how it worked and what it was doing. I answered.

Then she quieted down. Those of you who know her know this part - she's thinking hard. She's concentrating on all the information she's taken in. I waited knowing a really good comment was coming. I was rewarded.

Kate, still staring at the Zamboni, said, "That guy is working really hard. Does he get to have a snack?" I answered, "Yes. The Zamboni driver always has a snack after he's done."

We watched until he finished the whole rink. As he went by us for his final pass, he turned and waved to Kate. She swooned.

When Bad Days Turn Good

2009-12-24T21:14:00.002-06:00

Sometimes being a mom is tough. Sometimes you work all day and when you come home people are grumpy and whining and don't do quiet what you want. And then, on those days, sometimes, you end up sitting on the stool in the kitchen crying when you are supposed to be making dinner.

(I know that sounds sort of dramatic, but that parts not really a big deal - minor set back. You just need it to set the scene for what comes next.)

My charming 4 1/2 year old, Kate, comes into the kitchen to see why I'm crying. She says, "Why are you sad? Did you get hurt?" I say that I'm not hurt, just having a bad time.

She climbs up on to my lap and puts her sticky little hand on my face. She said, "I know just what to do. Take a deep breath." As instructed, I do. She nods and says, "That's good. Now count to three." Again, I do as I'm told.

Then Kate smiles and says, "Do you feel better?"

And, of course I do.

Morning Sickness Remedies

2009-12-20T22:15:00.001-06:00

During both my pregnancies I was really nauseous for about 8 months. I threw up regularly - often several times a day. I developed a habit of carrying plastic zip lock bags in my pockets and developed a lot of skill at pulling them out and vomiting quickly without getting any on my clothes.

One source of my nausea seemed to be my prenatal vitamins. I tried dozens of brands and they all made me nauseous. I found it helpful to take the vitamin when I was already in bed, almost asleep. That way it was working while I was asleep and less aware of they yucky feeling in my belly. With Kate I just had to stop taking them 1/2 way through the pregnancy.

I tried a couple different prescription medications that were supposed to curb the nausea. The both left me feeling worse. Still nauseous with a list of other complaints as long as my arm.

Following is a list of things I did to help with Morning Sickness (at any time of day). I found that sometimes one would work for a few days and then another for the next few days. Another week something that didn't work before would work at a different time. Bottom line - you may want to try a remedy more than once as the weeks go by. Good luck!

- The Liquid from a Can of Peaches in Heavy Syrup Just drain the liquid into a plastic container and keep it in the fridge. When you feel nauseous, take a spoonful and try to swallow it in a gulp, not sips. It will stay fresh a few days.

- Weak Ginger Tea at Room Temperature

- Oyster Crackers, try letting them dissolve on your tongue

- Preggie Pops, these are lollipops that help with morning sickness. You can find them at http://www.onestepahead.com/ which is also a great web site for many other products.

- Lemon, You can sniff a fresh lemon or lick fresh lemon slices. You also can try sliced fresh lemon in room temperature water.

- Dry Cereal, Especially slightly sweet children's cereal that is vitamin fortified. I suggest Corn Pops and Fruit Loops.

My Brother is a Rock Star in My World

2009-12-16T15:04:00.005-06:00

My brother, Dan, is a wonderful, wonderful part of my world. I love that he's my brother.

When my parents first brought him home, I was almost three. I wanted him to go on my slide with me. Mom said he wasn't old enough to use the slide. I said, "Then what good is he?"

Over the years he served his purpose:

1) A smaller creature I could boss around.

2) Partner in crime when we threw slime on the living room ceiling leaving red splotches.

3) Loan officer when I tried to pay a speeding ticket without our parents finding out.

We've had a lot of great laughs together.

We complement each other well. We have really opposite skill sets and do things really differently. And, we happily give up what we don't do well to the other one. That makes us a really good team when we work together. A lot of projects involve me doing stuff and Dan paying the bill. It's fun.

One thing that we do have in common is our sense of humor. We both think the same things are funny. Sometimes when no one else does. We always know when the other will laugh at a story.

One of my favorite stories Dan's told me is about the time he was on an airplane, in the air, during a flight, and the maintenance crew started unscrewing bolts to get to a panel to do some routine work.

We have the same Starbucks order: Tall Vanilla Nonfat Latte.

Dan will point out that he gets his sugar free and I don't. But I will not point that out because it ruins my point about us having the same Starbucks order.

When we were little and Dan was mad at me, he would slip a note under my bedroom door saying, "You realize of course, this means war." Everything was spelled wrong, but I didn't know because I spell as poorly as he does. (I still maintain that we have complementary skill sets. Spelling is the exception.)

This year, Dan got me a new camera for Hannukka. It arrive the day before Kate's Holiday Sing Program at preschool. Perfect timing. I took great pictures. Dan always comes through in a pinch. Even when he doesn't know he's doing it.

How would I sum up my relationship with my brother? I don't understand much of what he does, but I love the whole package that is Dan.

The Shofar Cry

2009-09-20T17:53:00.002-05:00

A parable from Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov: (lit. "Master of the Good Name"); Rabbi Yisrael ben Eliezer (1698-1760), founder of Chassidism

A King had an only son, the apple of his eye. The King wanted his son to master different fields of knowledge and to experience various cultures, so he sent him to a far-off country, supplied with a generous quantity of silver and gold. Far away from home, the son squandered all the money until he was left completely destitute. In his distress he resolved to return to his father's house and after much difficulty, he managed to arrive at the gate of the courtyard to his father's palace.

In the passage of time, he had actually forgotten the language of his native country, and he was unable to identify himself to the guards. In utter despair he began to cry out in a loud voice, and the King, who recognized the voice of his son, went out to him and brought him into the house, kissing him and hugging him.

The meaning of the parable: The King is G-d. The prince is the Jewish people. The King sends a soul down to this world in order to master different fields of knowledge and to experience various cultures. However, the soul becomes very distant and forgets everything to which it was accustomed to above, and in the long exile it forgets even its own "language." So it utters a simple cry to its Father in Heaven. This is the blowing of the shofar, a cry from deep within, expressing regret for the past and determination for the future. This cry elicits G-d's mercies, and G-d demonstrates His abiding affection for His child and forgives him.

This is to say, that if we forgot to say even one word of prayer these coming holy days; if we read no Torah and heard no sermons .. and yet somehow we managed to hear the shofar, then G-d would be inclined to forgive our sins.