A Hope Like No Other by Daniel Blumentritt

I probably don’t look like it to you,

but I’m only an infant

I do a good job of hiding it behind the experience gained through trial and terror, but this countenance often serves nothing but to conceal
Society likes it better that way, and it’s a simple thing to deceive all but the most dedicated observers with a veil of fabricated serenity

Because like a baby bawling out for food, my soul is selfishly screaming “Love me, accept me, trust me, befriend me.”
But what if my eyes are turned so far inward towards my my heart that I don’t notice all around me – in fact it surrounds me – chains and pains and troubles that far exceed my own?

Well I’m sorry, but my heart is hungry. Wait your turn to matter
But to touch and cherish isn’t so preposterous a task as one might think, because the smallest gestures last the longest while
Every glance into my eyes is desert from the King’s table
Every choice to trust me is a dozen dazzling meals

And each hug, thousands of delicious berries
And so, infant that I am, I begin my quest: forward, forward, forward no matter the cost!
My stomach demands to be satisfied and I shall have what I seek

It’s so ludicrous, isn’t it, when I haven’t lived and hungered by any choice of my own?
Thin and starving, skin-and-boney
My life is only what you’ve loaned me

Now I’m only a child

Sitting in a one-room schoolhouse
My mind drifts on the breeze of inventions only I can appreciate while vague impressions of something called “self-sacrifice” attempts to chase the wind

The voice of the professor interrupts my dancing imagination as I abruptly become reacquainted with reality
Love my neighbor as myself? But I’m just a kid wanting to have fun, and besides, I’m still hungry
And we all know that it aches in a way materialism can’t understand for our restless spirits to return to the ark with no place to land, no olive branch in hand

And we all think we know the plans we have for us, to meet our own needs and avoiding letting others harm us, to make ourselves prosper, and give ourselves hope and a future – ha!
We might as well ask the sun and moon to reschedule themselves for us
Personal individualistic convenience is not what they were made for, and neither were we

And the more this slowly sinks into my soul’s thick skull the more it becomes apparent why the ancients and moderns alike can’t stop writing and singing about love
If I can find another wanderer, together we can lend each other strength and huddle together for warmth in this blizzard known as solitude

Together we’ll press onward, onward, onward in spite of the frost!
But wait, my imagination has run away again and taken me with it
If I could convince it to return me back to myself I’d realize that a child like me hasn’t the faintest clue of how to lay down my life for another

So my idealistic journey halts at this chasm
I was already walking slowly
Now I’m stuck, humbled and lowly

Now I’m only a boy

Standing on the edge of a limb
Waiting for the hacksaw in your hand to initiate my plummet to doom
This love I long for is a risky business and I’ve broken bones I didn’t even know I had
And now I neither have the heart to stay nor sense enough to back away

It’s time for this turtle to pull back into his seashell, and if she sells me by the seashore I suppose I’ll drown
Numerous notable authors say that even drowning in the attempt to swim aboard is a vastly superior experience to sitting on the shore throwing rocks at the waves

But one thing you need to know about me is that I really like staying alive
- A voice thunders melodically from heaven!
What is this God? Some sort of sick joke? Lose my life to find it? Are you really saying I’m supposed to rejoice every time another piece of me dies?

But then, you rejoiced when you died, didn’t you? Just to be with us?
What if I were to disregard myself like you did and slingshot all my neediness back a millenium and a millenium again, to die with you?
What if I let you lead me deeper, deeper, deeper? I’ll never get lost!

But I’ll lose everything that I should never have dared to gain
Maybe then you could teach me how to be worthy of someone who’s been longing for a lifetime to be worthy of someone who’s been longing for a lifetime to be worthy of her

But to find someone like this could take eternity
In the meantime I’m still lonely
Help me live like you have shown me

I’m only a man

Nothing more, nothing less.
I dodge cynical darts day and night
To find someone like this could take eternity, so it’s a good thing God already lived that long
Someday I’ll meet you and in the blink of an eye my life will be changed forever; more rapid than a pause, something like scales will fall from my eyes and I’ll see

Someday I’ll find that I can desire all the love I want and never be ashamed of it because it’s only in the wanting for myself than I’ve been led to delve deeper into the discovery that I only quench my thirst by giving away every last drop
Someday it’ll fall to me to carry you when you’re hurt and hold you when you’re grieving
Someday I’ll be granted the privilege of enduring trial after trial for the joy of seeing the joy in your eyes

Someday I’ll trust you with all that I am and keep you close not so that I can stop wondering if I’m loved, but because you deserve to be cherished more than all the riches of the earth
Someday we’ll live the adventure always, always, always at any great cost
Someday I’ll realize I’m not the only one of us who’s longed for this since I was young

How long have you waited for me?

Could you be my One and Only?

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How can you know what you are looking for in a future spouse if you do not regularly interact with members of the opposite sex?

In arranged marriage communities there is little to no interaction. The young people take advantage of their “season of singleness” and wait on their parents to make the match for them. The parents do the work of investigation and romance happens after the wedding.

But

We live in America and we choose our spouses here. For better or for worse, arranged marriage is anathema to our way of life. If a man wants to get married he needs to find a wife. So how does he do that? If he wanted to marry a godly home schooled girl how would he find her?

Ready or Not?

Many young people don’t know if they are ready to get married. The idea of marriage intimidates young people. The Christian divorce rate scares believers who don’t want to become apart of the statistic. So the response is to push courtship off until next year… and then the year after that. Even if we feel ready to marry how do we find others who are ready as well?

My grandparents got married in their teens, My parents in their twenties and my peers in their thirties and late twenties. Right now young people are always “not quite ready to get married.” Timing is a personal and parental decision but let me say this: If we want another godly generation we need the current generation to get married in time to give birth to it.

College Interaction

In college you meet dozens of single people every week. Interaction is easy and many young people who go to college come back married. Some girls jokingly go to school for their “MRS degree.” Lots of causal interaction allows college students to interact and learn without getting involved emotionally or physically.

But going to college is scary and expensive. Particularly for large homeschool families. The culture in most colleges does not value purity which also poses a challenge. What do you do for those who are unable or unwilling to go to college?

Homeschool Interaction

Homeschool students have many social events in high school but romance is generally discouraged at these events. Often it is forbidden in highschool altogether.  Once homeschool graduates get social permission to interact they loose their primary channels for interaction. This challenge is amplified for those who attend small churches.

The lack of interaction has caused many home school guys to marry public school girls they meet at college. The home school girls stay home deep into their 20s not meeting many single men. They wonder where all the godly men are.

One mom wrote a list of all the single home schooled girls in their community between the ages of 21 and 30. “The results were depressing” she admitted “We couldn’t get ourselves to make the list go down to [age] 18.”

Casual Interaction in Courtship

With the distance between so many home schoolers, interacting in a casual manner is difficult. It is hard to drive an hour for a “casual” meeting with a group of home schooled singles. Even harder for a “casual” cup of coffee. The result is:

• Interactions become more intentional (formal dinners, blind dates)
• and thereby more intimidating.
• The more intimidating they get they more they are postponed and avoided.

Less Interaction = Fewer & Later Marriages.

What do you think?

• Do you agree?
• Is there a barrier to interaction in courtship?
• What has caused it?
• How can we help conservative singles interact casually?
• How does your community handle this challenge.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Definitions (6)
• 7 Reasons Men Wait to Get Married (7)

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The term comes from the air-force where a pilot will have a wingman fight with him in battle. Wingmen protect each as they accomplish a mission together.  The older term for this concept is “best man.” But now “best man” is primarily a ceremonial role. The ancient term for this same concept is “friend of the bridegroom.”

The role of wingman starts way before the wedding. In fact it can start before the relationship starts. The Wingman assists from the beginning of the relationship through the wedding ceremony.

Lets call the wingman “Walter.”

His single friend is Sam.

Wingmen keep confidences.

Sam needs a sounding board. He may need to work out how he feels about girls by talking through it with a trusted buddy. Yes ladies. Guys do talk about this sort of thing but only to those they trust. Walter listens. He gives honest feedback. Above all he does not betray Sam’s confidence.

Wingmen encourage.

Pursuing a woman is not easy. The path to marriage for men is paved with rejection and pain. A good wing-man encourages his bother to try again even after devastating failures. Sam doesn’t need hollow platitudes. He needs hope, encouragement and prayer.

Wingmen help create opportunities.

As we discuss in other posts, interacting with godly girls in conservative communities is challenging. To overcome these challenges Sam needs Walter’s help to create opportunities to interact with God fearing single ladies. This may mean throwing parties, sending out text messages to invite people to play ultimate Frisbee or going out to eat after church.

Wingmen show up intentionally.

So, Walter throws a party and Sam shows up and sees Sally, who he doesn’t know very well. She’s popular and Sam wants to break through the crowd and talk to Sally but he needs help.

Enter wingman.

Walter, can help by running interference for Sam by engaging the people around Sally in conversation. This helps Sam and Sally talk when they may not have had the opportunity otherwise. If Sam is shy this sort of assistance is particularly helpful.

Shy guys can make faithful husbands.
They just need help at first.

Wingmen ask intentional questions.

So, Sam, Sally and Walter are in a group of people talking at the party.

Remember, Sam wants doesn’t know Sally well and doesn’t want to lead her on unnecessarily.  Sam doesn’t know if he likes her or not but he wants to get to know her better.

Walter can help by asking intentional questions that help Sam get to know Sally better. This is not to say Sam asks no questions. But Walter can ask the potentially awkward questions. When this is done well, Sally is none the wiser.

Wingmen leave intentionally.

Walter, Sam and Sally are now talking just the three of them at the party. This is when it may be a good idea for Walter to disappear. He may excuse himself to get punch and then get caught up in a different conversation and not get back. This gives Sam and Sally a chance to talk alone at the party which they may not have gotten otherwise.

Walter holds  Sam accountable.

As Sam and Sally’s relationship deepens Walter keeps Sam accountable to make sure that Sam is honoring Jesus in their relationship. Is Sam walking in the fear of the Lord? Walter asks Sam tough questions and insists on honest answers.

Wingmen don’t outshine.

It is important for Walter not to outshine Sam. His job is to make Sam look good. If Walter is stealing attention he failing as wingman. John the Baptist is a great example of how to do this well. His job was to prepare the way for the bridegroom Jesus. This meant getting out of the way at the end.

Wingmen hold the rings.

It is the wingman, or best man, who stands next to the groom at the wedding. Where would the groom be without him? Maybe still single. Maybe not. Either way Sam knows he has a true friend in Walter.

“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

-Jesus

What do you think?

• Should courtship best be done with just the man and the woman’s family? Or is the best man’s role important?
• Do women have a similar system? Or do Maids of Honor just help with hair and logistics?
• Have you ever been a wingman? How did it go?

Related Posts:

• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)

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1. Woman have gifts cultivated best through life outside of the nest.

Many home schooled families expect girls grow into home makers able to tend to the needs of their husbands and children.  I too believe that is a Biblical command and not be be overlooked in the least (Titus 2:4-5).

How many years does it take to learn how to take care of a home?

When I was young, my Mom trained me to clean the house. I folded laundry, washed dishes, cooked, babysat and more.  I am thankful for that training. I am also glad that training period came to an end and that now I have graduated to life on my own.

2. Life outside the home makes you a better home maker.

A husband needs more than a wife to clean, cook, and have babies.  He needs a soul-mate who can problem solve, give input, and express her own thoughts even if they differ with his. I think this is to the husband’s detriment.

Where will the man go when he needs advice if his wife is unable to think for herself? If she has never struggled with a decision or learned from her own mistakes how can she offer wisdom to her husband. Her lack of diverse social interaction can handicap her critical thinking and problem solving skills.

Men need helpmeets for their minds and souls,
Not just for their bodies and homes.

I have noticed a difference in women who leave home before marriage and those who don’t.

The girls who stay home rarely augment their husband’s opinion. They follow his wishes unquestioningly because the only life they know is their parent’s unquestioned authority. Their parents keep them from opportunities to think or make decisions on their own. This can make them indecisive. Indecision is not the mark of maturity.

3. Leaving without flying away

Let me offer a little comfort.  I think it is possible to “leave the nest”  without physically leaving the home.  While the success rate is rare, it is achievable.

I know 20 something girls who still live at home.  However, their parents do not dictate their life once they become adults. Their parents don’t treat them like children just because they haven’t found Mr. Right.  They have careers, friends, social networks, and lives that extend beyond babysitting  younger siblings.  Their parents let them travel on their own, go to college and live life without having to ask permission like a child.

Their parents understand the separation that needs to happen for their daughters to grow up.  These parents take the role of  counselors instead of supervisors. They advise their daughters as they would another adult.

4. Arrows are meant to be shot out.

Children are not the property of their parent’s. Rather they belong to God and their parents are stewards. I can’t begin to stress the importance of this principle.

Parents must ask God what His will is for their children. Is it God’s will for His arrows to stay in the quiver?  I think not.  God has gifted girls with much more than just cooking and cleaning. Parents don’t squander the gifts God has given your daughters.  If don’t give them the freedom to follow Christ on their own then you put them in the difficult position of choosing between your will and God’s will.

This doesn’t mean daughter is not still under her Father’s authority.  But the father must allow his daughter to become an adult if he is to see her thrive. In most cases, I don’t think the desire to leave is motivated by rebellion.  Although it could lead to that if the parents don’t let her feel or know that she is an adult that can make decisions independent of them.

Fear

Fear often motivates parents to keep their daughters at home.

To these timid parents I would ask,

• If you raised your daughter in the way should go, how can she depart from it when she leaves home?
• Do you trust God to take care of your daughter even if she makes different decisions than you would have made?
• Do you trust that God can turn her choices into learning opportunities?
• Is that not how He teaches you?
• How will your daughter learn to follow God if you make all her decisions for her?

5. Immaturity is Unattractive

Men are adventurous and passionate.  They look for a wife to dream big with. They are not looking for a little girl who needs her husband to think for her.

Women need a larger vision so they can support their husband’s calling in life. Not just to let him fulfill his calling alone and come home to a good meal, clean house, and warm bed.

When the honeymoon wears off and the physical home is cared for, what is going to hold the couple together and keep the spark and fun in the marriage?

Ladies,

if you want to attract a man and not a boy
you must to be a woman and not a girl.

What do you think?

• Should we encourage adult single women to move out of their homes?
• Should they stay home under the covering of their parents?
• You single men. Are you looking for a wife who is living at home or a wife who lives on her own?

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• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• The Little Things Make the Difference (9)
• Threefold Beauty (10)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

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If you can keep these areas in balance you may save yourself from a painful crash at the end of the runway.

Time

The time gauge measures how much time you spend together. Generally it means time together alone.

You know that couple that started going together a few months ago? You know, the one that seemed to disappear? You sorta see them around but they are always together ignoring everyone else. This couple may have their time out of proportion. Spending time with your boyfriend is important and leaving other relationships is part of courtship. But this leaving should be a gradual transition. Or I could be wrong. What do you think?

You don’t want your time together to outstrip your commitment. When you first start moving down the runway resist the temptation to push this gauge to 11. If you do this you may alienate the friends you have. Those are the very friends you will need down the road.

Touch

This can be a touchy subject . Some courtship models decry touching the opposite sex as a sin.

This is one of the topics you will want to talk through at the beginning of your relationship. Where are the tick marks going to be on your gauge? At what point do you plan to start holding hands?

The amount of touch should be closely tied to your level of commitment. Some couples decide not to kiss until they are engaged. Other couples don’t kiss until their wedding day. I have yet to meet a couple who made such a commitment and later regretted it. Many couples regret going to far to soon. Self restraint in this area can build a great deal of trust later on.

Talk

Talk is a measure of how much time you spend Facebooking, texting, chatting on the phone or whatever.

The more you talk the more involved you will become emotionally. The more connected you are emotionally the more painful the breakup will be if it happens. This gauge hurts a lot if you let it get to red before the other gauges.

Make sure your level of talk is anchored to your amount of commitment.

One of the challenges to long distance relationships is that you spend a lot of time talking without spending time together. This takes away your opportunity to see how your girlfriend interacts in real life. If your primary interaction is over the phone it is possible to get a skewed view of the other person. This is something you have to consciously guard against if you are in a long distance relationship.

What do you think? How do you make long distance relationships work?

Commitment

Commitment is the standard by which the other three gauges should be measured. It helps to periodically check the other areas of your relationship against this gauge. Also realize that your boyfriend might not be as committed to the relationship as you are.

Broken hearts happen when one person is more committed than the other.

It can be hard to tell how committed the other person is to a relationship. One piece of advice is to look at actions more than you listen to words. How committed is your girlfriend to the other relationships in her life? What do you think? How can you tell if your girlfriend is committed to the relationship?

Here are some other indicators to pay attention to:

• Time is a measurement of priorities.
• Talk is a indicator of emotional connection.
• Touch is a indicator of attraction.

Thanks to Jimmie Seibert, the Pastor of Antioch Community Church. A lot of this came from him first.

What do you think?

• Is there a gauge that’s missing?
• Do you find this helpful? Why or why not?

If you enjoy this site consider sharing it with your friends on Facebook. Just click the blue “share” at the top of the post.

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Not only is this season preparation for marriage, it’s also a test to see how well you will do when married.

Faithful in the little things

The relationship habits you develop right now are habits you’ll carry into your future relationship. They won’t be erased and reformatted the night before the wedding.

Jesus said “He that is faithful in that which is least, is faithful also in much.” (Luke 16:10) This principle applies to relationships as well as finances, opportunities, etc. How you interact with the people in your life now is an accurate indicator of how you will act in the future.

How do you interact with your parents and siblings? If you can get along with your family, you can get along with anyone. However, God didn’t intend for families to simply cope with each other.

Quick Test

Are you:

• seeking to serve?
• practicing genuine love?
• honoring authority?
• being a “giver” rather than a “taker” in the relationship?

If we’re not practicing these things now, why do we think we can suddenly start doing it when we marry? If we have not been faithful with the lesser relationships we have, how can we ask God to entrust to us a marriage relationship? You attract the quality of person you are, so if you want to attract a high caliber soul-mate, you must yourself be a high caliber person.

From Shepherd to King

Consider the Biblical example of David. He was the youngest in his family and was assigned the job of watching the sheep. His older brothers had great opportunities following the banner of the King, and David had none. From a human perspective, he had no future. However, when God saw that he was ready, David was thrust suddenly onto the national stage, and an odyssey began for him that ended at the throne of Israel itself.

Many young people feel like David, and are tempted to waste the opportunities they have. Resist this temptation.

The reason some never leave the sheepfold is because they don’t learn the lessons of the sheepfold.

The greatest training ground for a successful marriage is the relationships you have right now. If I fail with those relationships, I have no business worrying about the fact that I may not know many potential mates or that I have no prospect of finding someone.

If David had not been faithful defending the sheep how could he have stood before Saul and said he could defeat Goliath? If you can’t keep your room clean how do expect to manage a household?

Faithfulness in the small, insignificant things brings rewards, greater opportunities, and the praise of the Master. “Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.” (Matt. 25:23)

What do you think?

• How do you know when you are ready to get married?
• Do you feel your current relationships are preparing you to get married?

Related Posts:

• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• 5 Reasons Single Women Should Leave The Nest (30)
• The Importance of Being Balanced (7)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

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One key to any successful marital system is the ability to identify a possible mate. For cultures some this means using professional match makers to facilitate the identification. Fiddler on the Roof anyone? Other cultures created opportunities for young people to meet each other and do their own identification.

The village dance is gone.

In America the idea of an arranged marriage goes against our core as a people. We tend to value liberty and happiness over safety and predictability. The traditional American mechanism has been the community dance.

In these dances the man must give his full attention to a single woman for a single song. This pulled the guys away from the huddle of other guys who talked about guy topics. It forced them converse with the gentler gender. It also caused some of them to notice a sparkle in the young lady they had not noticed before. Sally is not the same girl at age 19 as she was when she was 14.

These traditional dances sometimes used dance cards that helped girls who tended to blend into the crowd. You didn’t need to be dazzling to get noticed. You only needed to show up.

Modern dances don’t work.

Dancing doesn’t work as well these days for two reasons:

Reason #1

Modern dances such as techno and hip hop are danced individually in a crowd with little individual attention. Line dances, allow for even less individual attention.

Reason #2

Most people attend dances with a date. It is hard to find a dance partner in a room full of couples. Single people often sit watching the couples dance Two Step and Swing while they sit with other singles, feeling awkward.

So, dancing is now a poor mechanism for identification. The world has abandoned it for bar room pickup lines and speed dating. The church has abandoned it for singles Bible studies and eHarmony.com.

Where are all the Godly guys?

For those who do not attend singles Bible studies or visit bars (i.e. conservative home schoolers) there are precious few culturally appropriate mechanisms for identifying a possible soul mate. Many home school girls stay at home baking bread while wondering where all the Godly guys are. They meet very few new people in a given week.

The home school guys who leave home for college or work meet lots of new people, but not stay at home girls.

Bill Gothard has attempted to address this issue by holding a once a year conference for singles but this is a band-aid and not a solution.

The village is gone too…

Not all early Americans went to the town dances. Some sects of Christianity taught that cross gender dancing should be avoided. These sects held other community functions such as picnics that would bring people from the “village” together.

The challenge now is that fundamentalist conservatives do not live in villages. They live in communities centered around ideology instead of geography. It is hard to bring the “village” together when it is spread across three counties. It’s hard to go to the church picnic when the church is an hour away.

What do you think?

• What are some good mechanisms for identification?
• How do you help Sam discover that 21 year old Sally is not the same girl she was at 16?
• Do you think match making serves (either online or in person)would help?

Caveats

Please know that I am speaking in generalities. We can learn from the exceptions but these challenges are real if not universal.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• Courtship Definitions (6)
• Courtship & Predestination (28)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)

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Not all women are Helen of Troy or Miss California, but all women are created in the image of a beautiful God.  Should the attraction between the male’s eye and the woman’s physical beauty be suppressed or encouraged?

After all, before men see spiritual, or soul beauty, they see the physical beauty (or lack of) in a woman. Women long for men to appreciate their true beauty, which encompasses all of their being: spirit, soul, and body.

Spiritual Beauty

Spiritual beauty is the inner beauty that comes from the strength and confidence of who one is in Christ.  Renew the mind to walk in the truth of true spiritual beauty as being whole and complete first and only in Christ. This beauty comes from knowing you are accepted and loved in the Beloved. Read Ephesians 1 for great truth on identity and position in Christ.  All other components of beauty flow from this.

Beauty of the Soul

The soul is your mind, will, and emotions.  Have you ever stopped to consider the beauty of a person flowing with the emotion of love and joy and poured out and offered to those around them?  There is beauty in a child submitting her will to her parents by choosing to obey.  It is a beautiful thing when a teacher uses her mind to communicate a principal or truth to her students.  This is beauty of the soul and is free to be expressed when one is confident and aware of their spiritual beauty in Christ.

Beauty of the Body

Beauty of the body is one that is too often overlooked and sadly suppressed in many courtship settings.  Minimum physical adornment often becomes synonymous for modesty.  Modesty is an imperative Biblical standard, but it should not preclude physical beauty.  It is often said that inner beauty will shine through and you don’t need to worry so much about your physical beauty.  Yet, both are a reflection of each other.

Proverbs 31 Beauty

The Proverbs 31 woman is a fine role model of all three areas of beauty:

• She was clothed in fine linen, purple, and scarlet – physical beauty.
• She also girded herself with strength and dignity – beauty of the soul.
• She was praised for her fear of the Lord – spiritual beauty!

To deny the importance of physical beauty is to deny an essential part of who a woman is. We cannot overlook it when we evaluate courtship.  Beauty could be one of the most pervasive thoughts in men’s minds.  The male mind beholds visual beauty first. The female  heart deeply desires to feel physically attractive to men. Beauty is important.

What do you think?

Is beauty important? Does your community over value or under value physical beauty?

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Does God predestine my future wife or do I need to find her? I don’t struggle with predestination when it comes to salvation because I know to share the Gospel either way. But courtship is different. I need to know if I should be looking or waiting.

Finding a Spouse

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and gains favor from the Lord.”

-King Solomon

I have puzzled over this verse for years. Particularly on the word “find.” Is it a passive “find” like finding a coin on the sidewalk? Or is it an active “find” like finding a coin after searching my house?

I sat down with a Hebrew scholar and we looked up every use of Hebrew word “find” in the Old Testament. The result? The word is used in both ways about half the time each. After we looked up the last verse he closed his Hebrew Lexicon looked at me and said. “The results are inconclusive.”

Drat.

Courtship Calvinists

Some conservatives wait on God to predestine a mate for them. While the Bible talks about God predestining us for good works it makes no mention of God predestining our spouse. We know God is sovereign all knowing and that He cares about every detail of our lives, but is He a micro manager?

If God intended to do all actions himself why would he create us? Are we not His hands and feet? Are his people the tools of his hands or are we just passive observers of His sovereign power? If we are just to watch God do our work for us, it would make sense to stay home and wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to knock on our door.

The Question

So, how active a part should we play in courtship?

• Traditional western culture says men should do the work of identification and women should wait passively.
• Eastern culture says that both should be passive and wait for their parents to decide.
• Modern western culture tells both the man and woman to be active in pursuing each other.

In the Bible, Esther and Ruth both took an active role in winning the heart of “their man.” Isaac had a traditional arranged marriage. King David and King Jesus both took the active role in winning their wives. By Jesus’ wife I mean the church, His bride.

The results are, again, inconclusive. You could give Jesus’ example extra weight but it is also the most abstract since His bride is the Church.

Action is no Substitute for Faith
Faith is no Excuse for Idleness

The Bible makes it clear that we are to trust God in all things and to obey his voice. We are to walk in faith always but we must also act. Our actions prove our faith. If we do not act we demonstrate that we have no faith.

What do you think?

So how much interaction is healthy? How much is unhealthy? Waiting around doesn’t seem to be working, but should effectiveness be the criteria? Please let me know what you think. Don’t worry if you disagree. You can comment anonymously

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• How to Be a Godly Wingman (14)
• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)

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Before we continue on this discussion I feel that I need to define some terms. The cross culture dialogue about relationships is a lot like a Lincoln Douglas Value Debate. Each “side” doesn’t understand the other side because we use the same words but attach different definitions to those words. I would like to offer up the following definitions.

Courtship

• Value: Purity
• Criteria: External Control
• Rational: Using a system of external/parental controls  for young people in order to be kept away from sexual and emotional sin.

Christian Dating

• Value: Marriage
• Criterion: Purity
• Rational: Young people should get married by any means possible as long as they maintain their purity along the way.

Casual Dating

• Value: Happiness
• Criterion: Liberty
• Rational: What young people do doesn’t matter as long as it makes them happy in the long run.

Arranged Marriage

• Value: Stability
• Criterion: Parental Choice
• Rational: Love is a choice. You don’t choose your parents or siblings and yet love them. Your spouse is the same way.

Neo Courtship

• The new modified form of courtship advocated by various communities within the homeschool movement.

Classical Courtship

• The form of courtship practiced in the Victorian Era by Christians throughout the United States and England.

What do you think?

Do you think these definitions fit? Am I off the mark here? Before we move along further in this dialogue we need to make sure we can understand each other.

Related Posts:

• Courtship Challenge #1: Identification (13)
• Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction (7)
• Threefold Beauty (10)
• Leaving is Hard to Do (4)
• Does Courtship Work? (7)

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1. Courtship Challenge #2: Interaction How can you know what you are looking for...

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