It’s in our nature it seems.  Also science says it is bad for us.  And since I do anything science says (he’s so dreamy) I joined the 21 day no complaint challenge.

No complaints for 21 consecutive days

That is the name of the challenge.  There is a non-profit organization called A Complaint Free World that sells bracelets and stands behind the goal of stopping the epidemic of complaining going on.  I first read about it in The Four Hour Work Week and thought it might be a good idea, or at least an interesting blog article.

I kind of have a reputation as being a complainer.  Most of the time it is masked in “humor” but a complainer nonetheless.  This seemed to be an excellent opportunity to show how awesome I am and work on some personal improvement at the same time.  Modern behavioral theory (there’s that darn science again!) tells us that it takes around 21 days to ingrain a new habit, good or bad, so that is where the duration comes from.

Define complaint

The first thing we have to do to stop complaining is define complaint.  Dictionary.com says it is:

com·plaint

The definition I am using in the field is a bit less formal: a negative statement that does not in some way hint at a solution.  Note: although not mentioned gossip totally counts.  I don’t have a bivvy of coworkers to banter with so this is less an issue for me than some.  Example time.

“I am cold” is a complaint.

“I am cold and am going to put on a jacket” would not count but I would put it in the gray zone really close to a complaint and should be avoided.

“I am going to go put on a jacket” is not a complaint but an action to correct a problem.  Phrasing things from passive (complaints) to actions will train your brain that you can make bad things better.  Sounds silly but it does work.

The Challenge

The rules are simple:

1. Start off with a bracelet on your right wrist.
2. Complaints in your mind don’t count but be aware of them and don’t repeat them over and over.  If it passes your lips, move the bracelet.
3. If you complain out loud any time during the day you move the bracelet to your left wrist and restart your count at one the next day.
4. You win when the bracelet has stayed on your right wrist for 21 consecutive days.

It really is a simple challenge so going to hop right into it.  I will keep track of my progress and post it at regular intervals.  The foundations says that it takes the average person 4+ months to make it to the end so this should be entertaining at the least.

Post your opinion of this experiment and if you want to do it too in the comments below, looking forward to hearing from you!

Breathing is the one thing that connects all living beings on this Earth.  All people breathe, in fact after reading this you are probably aware of your own breathing at this very moment.  How very sad that so few of us know how to breathe properly. …

Read the rest of the article here.

Since friends occasionally ask for book recommendations, which makes me all happy and tingly inside, here are some unsolicited books that I pull off the shelf when motivation dips low.

#7 The Alchemist

The story of a young sheepherder who longs for more than just taking care of his flock but is scared to leave the known behind.  A powerful tale rife with metaphor and inspiring moments.  Worth noting, this is the only book on the list I have read only once.  It is still worth picking up however.

#6 The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

Probably the greatest book ever written about getting you over your creative hurdles.  The voice in the back of your mind that tells you to not bother with meeting your goals has a name and it is The Resistance.  Find more about this subtle beast and how to tame it here.

#5 Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity

The seminal classic on how to stop wasting your time on being busy and how to get things done.  The book always manages to guilt me into actually doing the stuff I need to be doing, rather than working on fun but meaningless garbage (like email sorting).

#4 Get Off Your “But”: How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself

Sean Stephensen is an amazing person, there really is no other way to describe it.  The first chapter is powerful because it walks you through the tale of his childhood and youth living with a crippling illness.  He has lived his life in a wheelchair but he can remember the exact moment he decided to make that his blessing and not his curse.  One of the most moving speakers (look him up on youtube) he will quickly cut out any reason you have for limiting yourself.

#3 4 hour work week

While this is technically a business book, people around the world love or hate it.  This was probably the first book I ever read that truly got me so pumped up I had to stop reading and go work on some of the activities.  I had to start something right then and there!  There are flaws in his business plans and no, you probably can’t work just a few hours a week and make a full time income.  However it is on this list for it’s motivational purposes and for me personally it does a great job at that.

#2 Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives

I cannot write well enough to describe how deeply this book has impacted my life.  It follows the story of the author, Dan Millman, as a college student who has a great social life, a promising gymnastic future and everything most people would be jealous of.  And yet he is deeply unhappy and unaware of it.  It eats at him without a voice, like a shadow in the night sucking away at his soul until he meets a strange old man who works nights at a gas station.  The old man, who later is called Socrates by Dan, becomes Dan’s mentor in life and starts him on the true path to inner peace.  While the more skeptical of you will poo-poo the pseudo-magic parts it is still an amazing story.

#1 Linchpin

Linchpin, more than any other book of the probably thousands I have read, gets me excited about life.  Indeed my copy is riddled with notes, underlines, comments and the spine is starting to wear out.  It is so hard to read this book and not get so into the stuff you could be doing that it is a constant struggle to keep reading.  But it is worth it.  Seriously the book gets me so enthusiastic about how I can make a difference that I have to stop and work on something for a few minutes before continuing reading.  For reference, I normally read books beginning to end, often in one sitting.  This is also one of the few books I have gifted to other people and not one has had anything bad to say about it.

That’s All, Now Get Reading!

That is it for me for today.  If you have any other books along these lines feel free to mention them in the comments.  Also I am an Amazon Affiliate so buying the books from one of the links above does give me some money and it doesn’t cost you any extra.  So if you are getting them anyways that would be appreciated.

If you haven’t yet, sign up for the RSS feed at the top of the page or the email list in the top right corner to keep up to date with all future posts.

Have fun reading!

The Cost of Making a Decision

The only problem with this is that each cost drains you slightly.  Think about the most exhausting day you can remember.  More than likely it was filled with tons of really tough choices to make.  Even little decisions, like do you get a soda or drink water at lunch, take their toll.

This is part of the reason why sticking to a diet is so hard.  At the end of a long day of work you may not have the mental willpower left to not have ice cream for dessert even though it will set you back another day.

The Cure

The cure to this comes from knowing several things about yourself and accepting them as true.

• You are more likely to make bad decisions when tired
• You get tired out by making many little decisions or few large ones
• Your mind is fundamentally lazy and will use anything it can to get its way

The cure is called choice architecture.

What is Choice Architecture?

Choice architecture, besides being kind of long to type, is a technique I first heard about from the two guys who wrote The Buddha’s Playbook.  It can be found on Lulu.com and has a few good things to say about living a modern enlightened life.

One definition of architecture is “the action or process of building.”  And choices are obviously the decisions we have to make in life.  So all together choice architecture is: the action or process of building the decisions in your life.

Building the decisions in your life.

That sounds kind of neat, and it really is.  I bet you have used this in the past without even knowing it.

Some Examples Please

Fair enough.  Say you know you are predisposed to snacking before meals.  I know I am.  Note, many of these will be food related because much of my self improvement is focused on undoing my childhood spent overeating.

You know you shouldn’t eat those chips.  Dinner is in an hour you tell yourself.  I am trying to lose weight you half heartedly think all the while your mind imagines the crisp crunch of the chips and burst of flavor on your palette.

Pretty soon you are down half a bag of Sun Chips and full on shame and disappointment.

Choice architecture (there it is again) comes to the rescue when you acknowledge this behavior, not condone it.  My favorite way to avoid snacking before meals is to not have any snack food in the house.  If you want a treat, you have to get in the car and drive to the store.  Unless you are really hungry your brains natural laziness will kick in and tell you it isn’t worth it, preserving your diet.

If you have to have the food around, for example you live with other people who aren’t willing to give up their treats, you can still find ways to save yourself.  A big problem of mine is that I won’t stop at a taste of chips, I will eat until full or the bag is empty of all but dust.

When I had to have chips around I would immediately open the bag and parse out the food into the actual serving sizes and put those in individual baggies.  This way I could have some and the portions were controlled in size.

Isn’t This Just Guilt?

Sort of.  I use this to guilt myself too.  My gym bag, packed and ready to go, sits near the door right next to my shoes.  When I leave the house I usually have to move the bag to put on my shoes and coat.  There is no way for it to be not in my face screaming to go work out.

Exercise in Choice Architecture

Your assignment, and seriously you must choose to accept it, is to find some way to set up your life so you can succeed.  If you tend to stay up late reading email or facebook, turn the computer off.  One of my professor’s has his home network set up so that it disables internet for the hour before he goes to bed, ensuring he can’t get lost in random research and stay up all hours of the night.

In the comments let me know what you did and how it met your goals.  Or if you think it is bunk.  Either way feedback will make me a better writer, which honestly will help you more than I.

I usually wind up as a basset hound, in case you were wondering.

This test will tell you what your core strengths are, personality wise.

Why should I care what my strengths are?

Always a good point to bring up, hypothetical reader.  You have such good questions.

Abraham Maslow, the guy who came up with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, said “What one can do one must do.”

I do love that quote.  To put it in easy to understand terms if you are great at something and don’t do it, you aren’t living up to your potential.

Studies by Martin Seligman (one of the founders of positive psychology) show that not doing stuff you are good at makes you unhappy.  Turns out Maslow was right.

Alright, what are my strengths then?

Heck if I know.  Luckily there is a test that will tell you.  If you are in a hurry, go to authentichappiness.com and look for the link that says “Brief Strengths Test”  Sadly you have to make a free account but the test doesn’t take long either and the results are worth it.  Take the test now or continue reading, I will still be here when you get back either way.

What strengths are there?

After studying numerous cultures, from modern to ancient and religions around the world researchers found that there are 6 core areas that are universally agreed upon.  This in of itself is an interesting find so they took it further.  The facets were broken down into 24 ideas that are present in all people and represent how you approach life.  So here they are in alphabetical order.

• Appreciation of beauty and excellence
• Bravery
• Citizenship
• Curiosity
• Creativity
• Fairness
• Forgiveness and mercy
• Gratitude
• Hope
• Humility/modesty
• Humor
• Integrity
• Kindness
• Leadership
• Love
• Love of learning
• Open-mindedness
• Persistence
• Perspective
• Prudence
• Self regulation
• Social intelligence
• Spirituality
• Vitality

I would give you descriptions for these but honestly most are self evident.  Also when you take the test there are nice blurbs that tell more about each one so no point in duplicating that here.

So what did you get then?

Well that is kind of forward of you.  Here are my top traits, no particular ordering:

• Leadership
• Integrity
• Charisma
• Humor

Note: I did get rankings for all the traits as you will but these are the traits I always show and hence bothered to memorize.  Plus they spell lich so that helps.

What do I do now with this knowledge?

The first step for things like this is to make sure the results make sense to you.  Try to differentiate between “this doesn’t make sense for me” and “I don’t want to believe this is true.”  If the first, ignore it and get on with your life, if the second you have some more work to do.  But at least now you have a good direction to start in.

You may have noticed these strengths tell you how you solve problems but not what to do with them.  I have always wanted to help spread knowledge and improve peoples lives so by going back to my strengths I worked at coming up with a way to meet my goal while being true to myself.  As an example, here is how I use my top four strengths here.

To me a leader leads by example.  So all the advice you see here is from the trenches of my own life.  If I share a tip it is because I did it and would recommend it to others.

Integrity means being honest about my intentions and unwavering to who I am.  This blog is for people improving their lives because that is what I am trying to do and share in an honest way with you all.

Without curiosity I would run out of topics to write about pretty quick, as well as stall out in my own personal goals.

And humor; I’m sure by now you are aware that I am hilarious.  If you don’t think so then you would probably hate me in person even more.

Quit stalling and take the test!

1. Go to http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
2. Click on the Brief Strengths Test
3. Create an account or sign in
4. Take the test

Know Thy Enemy

Wise words, whether for battle on the field or just versus your own inner demons.  Or in this case, our language.  The topic for today is the word should, and also the number 7 because being sponsored by random digits works for Sesame Street.

Let’s start off with the definition of the word.  Up front it lets us know it means business by having four (4!) major definitions, taken from dictionary.com.

1. simple past tense of shall.
2. (used to express condition): Were he to arrive, I should bepleased.
3. must; ought (used to indicate duty, propriety, orexpediency): You should not do that.
4. would (used to make a statement less direct or blunt): I should think you would apologize.

The less of two evils

Must is the less dangerously used meaning for should and here is why: if you say “I should lose some weight” then that means the same as “I must lose some weight.”  Which depending on your weight might be an exaggeration or something your doctor told you.

However notice how much more punch the second version has.  ”I must lose weight.”  To me that triggers all kinds of worst case scenarios playing in my mind if the action is not followed.

So if we use should to replace the word must we are often weakening the argument and in the case of personal improvement that can be the difference between success or failure.

Where should bites us on the keyster

The real reason I detest the common usage of the word should is the fourth definition, as a synonym for would.  It ties very strongly with the last example except that it is even more pronounced.  An example will (caught myself typing should here fyi, it really is subtle) help.

Imagine instead of saying “I should ask for a raise at work” you say “I would ask for a raise at work…”  I can’t even end the sentence because it is no longer syntactically valid but did you notice how it opened that thought up to all kinds of counter arguments.

• “but I don’t want to rock the boat”
• “but other people work harder than me and deserve a raise more”
• “but I should be thankful I have a job at all in this economy”

Should and failure

“I should lose weight.”

If you are like many of us this is a thought that crops up from time to time staring at yourself in the mirror after getting out of the shower, especially after minute seventeen or so.  Since you worded the goal in vague terms, no mention of how much weight or by when, you are pretty much doomed.

Break it down for me

Since you asked so nicely, here are the seven reasons you really ought to avoid should most of the time:

1. It probably isn’t what you mean, do you need to do it or would you just like to?
2. When you say you should do something and don’t, you feel bad; even if it was an inconsequential thing.
3. Conversely if you say you should do something you are less likely to do it.
4. Holy crap, it makes you less likely to succeed and makes you beat yourself up over failing! Why do you need more reasons?
5. It is vague to the point of confusion once you really start trying to define what you are saying.
6. There are plenty of alternatives: will, could, must, would, etc.
7. It is easy enough to mess up your personal improvement, I don’t need any help from a single tricky word that can be easily eliminated from my vocabulary.

So what should I do?  Argh there it is again!

Your youwork assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to spend a day keeping track of every time you say the word should.  It comes up way more often than you might expect, hell I used it several times in this article and not entirely on purpose either.

If you are particularly obsessive you could keep a journal and put down tally marks but that would be overkill.  I started doing this (not the tallying, the paying attention) and holy crap was it an eye opener.  It also makes it easier to catch negative thoughts as they arrive.

Seriously, if you catch yourself every time you think “I should…” you can improve your mental well being by a measurable amount.  I know because I have been doing this for a month now and it really has helped.

* Did any of you now notice how should is used in the title?  If you did, you get three (3!) bonus points.  Bonus points not valid currency, offer void in Utah and certain parts of California.

As always I am interested in your feedback.  If you think the word is evil and should be banished, that I am completely off my rocker or you tried it yourself please share with us in the comments below.

The other day after noticing myself in the mirror I had a thought that nearly everyone has had at one time or another: “Man, I am fat.”  What many people probably don’t have is the thought that followed, which made me call bullshit on myself.  I realized in that moment that despite being overweight I am not fat, I merely possess too much fat.

Think about the difference between those two wordings for a second.  The first takes complete ownership of the current state of affairs, which is good.  The flip side of owning it is that you make it part of yourself.  It leaves room for all the negative goal breaking thoughts that creep in as you stare at leftover cheesecake in the fridge.

“Well you can’t help being who you are, not your fault losing weight is so hard, those slices of cheesecake won’t make that much difference…”

Insidious, isn’t it?

Wait, I’ve heard of this

It’s true, you probably have.  This phenomenon is called The Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis.  Back in the 60′s Sapir and Whorf suggested that the language you use to think with influences how you think.  Taken to the extreme and unreasonable this would mean that if you didn’t have a word for sad, you could never experience sadness.

While current theory believes it is flawed, I feel it still has some truth to it.  Otherwise I wouldn’t bother writing about it obviously.  Common sense tells us that happy peppy people are more likely to use happier ways to describe the same situation than depressed people.  By saying optimistic things, you eventually become more optimistic.  The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want “>The How of Happiness talks about how 40% of your happiness can be set by intentional actions.  We all want to be 40% (whatever that means) happier, don’t we?

How to Use This

The simplest, but not easiest, way to use this fact is by noticing the language we use in the moment.  This requires paying closer attention to what we are saying as we are saying it.  My friends would be quick to point out the fact that I tend to ramble so this has been a struggle for me.

One method would be to pay attention to what you are feeling and see how that comes through in your language.  If you are feeling sad do you say words like “sucks, lame, etc” more often than usual?  When you are already mad you are way more likely to call someone an asshole than if you are having a great day.  Same situation, the only difference is how you were feeling at the time.

Today’s Youwork

Youwork is homework that you have to do to improve yourself.  Much as normal homework is supposed to give you practice before the exam, youwork lets you train up for situations in the future.  But seriously what the heck man, I was just skimming some blog article and didn’t want to do anything.  Yeah you and me both.  My goal for this site is actually improve peoples lives and you can’t improve if you don’t put in the work.  I don’t know anyone who was born a super cool person, nor do I think they exist.  Seriously, babies are like the opposite of cool.  Cute in a weird alien sort of way perhaps, but rarely cool.

People become cool by going through challenges and rising to the occasion over and over again, despite setbacks.

Do this today (or the soonest reasonable time)!

1. When in a conversation with someone, check in with your body and assess what you are feeling.  It could be happy, sad or even meh.
2. Keep the conversation going and try and catch words that are commonly associated with that emotion.
3. Viola! You know have a better understanding of how your emotions influence your language
4. Come back to this post and write a comment about the experience.

Extra Credit

1.  When checking in with your body look at your body language as well.  If your arms are crossed in front of your chest you are protecting yourself or emotionally closing off; slouching shoulders might mean you feel defeated or overwhelmed and so forth.

That’s it?

Yep, at least for this article.  But I really do want your feedback, so post comments or send me an email with your thoughts, ideas, success stories and anything else that isn’t spam or from Nigerian royalty.

Don't get your hopes up, I look nothing like this

So this is my first step into creating a blog that will provide you with helpful advice that I rip from books.  Unfortunately you may find my opinions alongside them, but that is the price you pay for not reading them yourself.

I make no attempt to be unbiased, being a particularly biased human and all, but as my friends will tell you at least what I think won’t be hidden behind layers.

So sit back, enjoy the ride and get ready to implement some practical and pragmatic advice that people much wiser than me came up with.  Read the About Us page for even more stuff you likely don’t care about.