Liz, a coaching client of mine, had a conversation with a co-worker that left her feeling hurt, angry, and completely misunderstood.

Her co-worker said something she perceived as a direct attack on her character.
When she tried to explain, the co-worker wouldn’t listen—and just kept repeating her point of view.

Liz told me:

“When someone falsely accuses me and won’t let me explain, it brings up a deep anger in me. I will defend myself and it might not end well.”

But instead of staying stuck in blame or defensiveness,
Liz used the emotional intelligence tools we had practiced in our sessions together.

It allowed her to make a conscious choice to respond differently—
She didn’t just react.
She reclaimed her emotional power.

And as a result, her anger started to soften,
her hurt began to heal,
and she even became open to seeing how her co-worker may have misperceived her actions.

That’s the difference Emotionally Smart Communication can make.

She stood up for herself—but in a smarter, emotionally grounded way that led to a far more empowering outcome.

Hot Buttons: What They Are and Why They Matter

We all have emotional “hot buttons.”
Most were created in childhood—and they’ve been reinforced over the years through repeated emotional reactions.

When someone says or does something that stings more than it should, it’s usually not just them.
It’s your internal wiring lighting up.

Try This: Mindful Reaction Reset

Next time you feel yourself getting emotionally activated, try this:

• Take responsibility for your reaction.
  It’s yours. That’s where your power is.
• Name what you’re feeling.
  Is it anger? Hurt? Shame? Fear? Naming it helps disarm it.
• Drop the story.
  Stop playing the mental drama where they’re the villain and you’re the victim. That story adds fuel to the fire.
• Feel it. Name it. Own it.
  Then explore what old wound might be under the surface.

The more often you practice this, the less power those buttons will have—and the more peace and clarity you’ll find in the moment.

But Here’s the Truth…

Doing this work on your own is hard.

When you’re caught up in your emotions,
it’s almost impossible to spot your own blind spots.
You can’t see the hidden patterns that keep pulling you back into the same hurt, frustration, or anger.

That’s why working with someone who can gently reflect those patterns back to you—and help you shift them—is so powerful.

You don’t just need more information.
You need personal guidance.
You need a mirror that shows you what you can’t see yet…
so you can finally respond differently, feel differently, and live differently.

And that’s exactly what I help my clients do.

Imagine This…

What if the things that used to set you off…
barely stirred you anymore?

What if you could hear a harsh comment,
a misunderstanding,
even a false accusation—
and stay steady, clear, and calm inside?

Imagine no more racing heart.
No knot in your stomach.
No endless replaying conversations in your head.

Just peace.
Confidence.
Freedom.

The power to stay grounded in who you are
no matter what anyone else says or does.

That’s what happens when you learn to deactivate your hot buttons.
That’s what emotional intelligence makes possible.

And it doesn’t just change how you feel inside.

Imagine the Impact on Your Relationships

Less conflict.
More understanding.
Deeper connection.
Stronger trust.

When you change how you respond, you change the emotional climate around you.
And sometimes, that’s exactly what invites others to change too.

If you’re ready to experience that kind of emotional peace—and the powerful impact it can have on your relationships—let’s talk.
Schedule your free consultation here

Because staying calm isn’t just a skill.
It’s a SUPERPOWER.
And it’s waiting for you.

Fay
Emotional Intelligence Guide and Coach

“When you calm the storm inside you, the storms around you lose their power.”
— Fay Prairie

Words can build connection—or tear it apart.
Most of us don’t realize how often the words we use in moments of frustration can quietly damage the relationships we care most about.

In my coaching work, I see this all the time: someone is trying to express a need, a hurt, or a desire…
But instead of creating understanding, they accidentally trigger defensiveness, distance, or a full-blown fight.

Here are 5 common phrases that can harm connection—and what to say instead if you want more trust, safety, and emotional closeness in your relationships.

1. “Why can’t you be more like ___?”

Why it backfires:
Comparing your partner, child, or anyone to someone else sends a hidden message:

• “You’re not good enough.”
• “I wish you were different.”
• “I’m not happy with who you are.”

It creates shame and resentment—two ingredients guaranteed to shut down connection.

Try this instead:
“I’d really appreciate it if you’d spend 15 minutes helping clean up the house each night.”
“It would mean a lot to me if you made more of an effort to be on time.”

Speak to the behavior you need—without using someone else as a measuring stick.

2. “You shouldn’t feel that way. Just get over it.”

Why it backfires:
This phrase invalidates someone’s emotional experience, making them feel unseen, misunderstood, and alone.

Try this instead:
“I can see you’re really upset.”
“That must have been painful.”
“I get why you’d feel that way.”

Validating emotions isn’t the same as agreeing—it’s about creating space for their humanity.

3. “You do it too!”

Why it backfires:
This reactive comeback may feel justified, but it shifts focus away from what the other person is expressing and puts you both on the defense.
It turns a moment for connection into a courtroom battle.

Try this instead:
“Tell me more about how that felt for you.”
“I want to understand your experience first.”

Let the desire for a better relationship be more important than being right.

4. “What about the time you…?”

Why it backfires:
Bringing up the past as ammunition blocks growth. It keeps both people stuck in a loop of old wounds.

Try this instead:
“Let’s focus on what’s happening right now.”
“I don’t want to bring up the past—I want us to move forward.”

Focusing on the present helps build emotional safety and trust.

5. “You never make time for me.” / “You always put others first.”

Why it backfires:
Statements that start with “You” and include words like always or never instantly trigger defensiveness. They feel like personal attacks.

Try this instead:
“I feel lonely when we don’t get time together.”
“I’d really like us to have more one-on-one time each week.”

Use “I” statements and be specific. Speak from your feelings—not accusations.

Final Thought:

No relationship is perfect.
But if changing the way you speak could improve connection 75% of the time—isn’t that worth it?

Small changes in communication can make a big difference in how safe, seen, and supported both people feel.

Want Help Communicating with Confidence?

Want to Feel Heard, Understood, and Connected Again?
If communication feels tense, one-sided, or like you’re always walking on eggshells, I can help.
I teach practical, emotionally smart tools that bring clarity, calm, and connection back to your conversations.
Book your free consultation here: www.talk2fay.com

Let’s talk about what’s going on and develop a plan for you.
www.talk2fay.com

“I know I shouldn’t think that way but I can’t help it.”

“I know those thoughts make me feel really crappy.”

“They make me feel so overwhelmed.”

“I know they’re negative.”

“I know they’re not helping me.”

“I just don’t know how to make them go away.” “Nothing I do works.” 

First, HUGE KUDDOS to her because she’s getting really good at the first three steps in the ART of CPR which is AWARENESS, RECOGNIZING and TAKING TIME TO ANALYZE.

She’s becoming AWARE of her feelings.

She’s RECOGNIZING how her thoughts are leading to her feelings.

She’s TAKING TIME to ANALYZE her thoughts versus just letting them run on autopilot.

With the average person having up to 60-80,000 thoughts a day running around in their head, how many do you think we’re really taking time to recognize and analyze?

Our thoughts are happening unconsciously 24/7 at lightning speed.

We’re not even AWARE of most of them yet they are RUNNING OUR LIFE!! 

Ninety percent of the thoughts you thought yesterday, you will think again today because your thoughts become habits just like anything else in life. 

The SAME THOUGHTS will keep getting you the SAME FEELINGS and the SAME RESULTS.

Stephanie is really fed up with some things in her life and she definitely wants DIFFERENT RESULTS so she’s taking this ‘thought’ thing pretty serious.

Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked on the C (in ART of CPR) which is CHOOSING TO DEFUSE. 

Everyone has the capability to do this!

DEFUSION is distancing from and letting go of unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.

It’s like being an OBSERVER—you notice the thoughts and feelings but you don’t get caught up in them.

You can use this for anxiety, upsets, worries or any uncomfortable feelings you may experience.

It’s like a muscle, the more you use it, the more you strengthen your skill and ability to use it.

If you’re having worrisome thoughts, defusion skills can help you let the thoughts come and go like passing cars instead of getting trapped in them (ruminating & catastrophizing would be examples of getting trapped in them)

In fusion we are ‘caught up in’ and ‘preoccupied’ with our thoughts.

They feel domineering, like they have all the power in the world to make us feel angry, upset, hurt, worried or anxious.

Defusing allows us to step back and observe those thoughts without getting caught up in them. We start to see that our thoughts as just streams of words, sounds, pictures going through our mind.

They are just thoughts.

Why do we want to do this?

Your life, your relationships, your confidence, your happiness all improve when you can start to control your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control you.

In psychology there are hundreds of ways to help you diffuse from your thoughts.

Here’s a really easy one that I use all the time and it’s really helped me.

Pick an area of your life that you know you have negative, judgmental thoughts. 

I’ll use the example of self-judgment as I know most people beat themselves up a lot and it makes them feel ‘crappy’ …….

You could also use negativity towards others as we sure do that a lot too. (we’re human judging machines—they shouldn’t be that way!! It’s wrong!!)

You can pick any thought that makes you feel overwhelmed with emotion.

First, put your negative self-judgment into a short sentence….

For example, ‘I’m messed up’ or ‘I’m inadequate’ or ‘I just can’t do it’ or ‘I’ll never figure it out.’

Fuse with this thought for 10 seconds – get caught up in it, give it your full attention and believe it as much as you possibly can.

Now, put this phrase in front of it: ‘I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I’m having the thought that I just can’t do it.

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m messed up’

I’m having the thought that ‘I’m inadequate’

Now replay it one more time, but this time add this phrase ‘I notice I’m having the thought that …’

For example, ‘I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a loser’.

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I just can’t handle it’

‘I notice that I’m having the thought that I’ll never figure it out.’

The more you practice this exercise, the better you will get at separating from your thoughts. (deffusing)

The more you are able to deffuse from them, the less control they will have over your life. 

In my life coaching program, I’ll work with you personally to identify and recognize those thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck where you don’t want to be so you can switch them out for the thoughts and feelings that will get you to where you want to be! 

Send me an email fay@fayprairie.com telling me you’d like to set up a FREE consultation to discover how personal coaching can help you and I’ll reach out to set up a date and time

No, that doesn’t upset me.

It’s fine.

Truly inside it may not be fine, but you’ll hide that behind your mask.

A large majority of us have grown up being taught to hide our feelings. 

Expressing your true emotions can be like standing naked in front of someone–very uncomfortble. 

As I’ve talked and visited with hundreds of people over the years, I find that alot of them are just like me–they didn’t grow up talking about feelings but rather pushing them aside.

Saying ‘fine’ when you’re not ‘fine’…

Suppressing ‘Anger’

Hiding ‘Pain’

Pusing away the tears.

Remembering the words–Get Over It!

We tend to think that showing emotions or being vulnerable is “BAD”…..”WRONG”….”WEAK”

The truth is……

We pay a high price for ignoring those most 

TENDER parts of ourself.

Ignored and suppressed emotions often manifest as anxiety, which is at an all time high with teens and adults. 

We get further and further lost/disconnected from ourselves. 

The avoidance and distancing from our feelings actually contributes to the intensity of uncomfortable feelings. 

We can be highly judgmental of others but even more so, we are highly judgmental and under compassionate of ourselves. 

Privately, this contributes to even more suffering.  

More and more people are starting to see that our habitual ways of dealing with emotions is problematic.

Faced with a lifetime of emotional bad habits, how do we even begin to start to become healthier with our emotions?

We really need to learn how to feel our feelings and process our emotions.

Then they can mozy on. 

When we ignore/suppress/bury our feelings, they can intensify and show up in ways that aren’t beneficial in our lives.

Like, anxiety, depression, anger, pain…… (the list goes on)

There are many ways that we avoid our emotions. 

Sadly these ways can increase our suffering and limit our ability to feel happiness and joy.

Avoiding your emotions can put a strain on all of your relationships, including the one you have with yourself.

If you’d like to discover how personal life coaching can help you or if you’re looking for a speaker or trainer for a workshop or event, reach out at fay@fayprairie.com or 507-829-0181 and we can set up a time to visit.

Just now while I was in the shower,  I started remembering a conversation from the weekend and I started replaying it in my mind.

Then I started judging–how dare he say that…

Then I started getting upset–that was so wrong…

Then I thought about more of the conversation

Then I started overthinking.

Then I started getting resentful

Then I got even more worked up…..

Then I CAUGHT MYSELF 

I was letting my mind have control

It was totally taking me out of the moment

I couldn’t even remember if I washed my hair

I was too busy getting worked up about the past.

Ever do that?

I told my mind to STOP IT!

“I’m the boss and I wasn’t going to let it do that to me.”

“BE WHERE YOUR FEET ARE!”

Which obviously my feet were with me in the shower-

Not back in that weekend conversation.

I reminded myself:

The happiest place you can be is in the present moment.

Mind wandering is what causes most upsets in life. 

After my shower, I took 5 minutes and used my ART CPR system to examine ‘that thought’ that got me all worked up.

Thank goodness I was able to do a U TURN on my thoughts or I fear I’d have carried that negative attitude with me for a good chunk of the day. 

A in ART CPR stands for Awareness--being aware of your feelings and aware of the thoughts that are leading to those feelings.  

Awareness is always the first step.  You can’t change anything you aren’t aware of. 

Yet, we’re often so busy with distractions and everything else going on that we aren’t AWARE of what’s going on inside of us.  

Today, take some time and randomly through the day, just notice how you’re feeling and thinking.   

AWARENESS  is truly the foundation of Emotional Intelligence.

AWARENESS alone can help you make POSITIVE changes in your life.  

Go on over to my You Tube channel and with this link https://youtu.be/OdHO6oxHRD0   you’ll be able to watch my video on AWARENESS. 

It’s honestly something that would benefit all of us to work on.  

Here’s to becoming more AWARE!

If you’d like to discover how personal life coaching can help you or if you’re looking for a speaker or trainer for a workshop or event, reach out at fay@fayprairie.com or 507-829-0181 and we can set up a time to visit.