A Life Outside the Box

2009-11-07T15:26:00.005-06:00

This is the song that has gotten me through the last couple of months. I often fall asleep with the lyrics going through my head and find myself singing them as I wake. I can't get through the song without crying out in praise to God, tears streaming down my face.

I am holding fast to this hope...

No more sorrow,
No more pain,

I will rise
On Eagle's wings,

Before my God
Fall on my knees,

And rise...

2009-11-07T09:51:00.001-06:00

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No. Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings;
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from
worldly cares
and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things
that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life,
so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea.

Prayer...

2009-10-31T09:06:00.003-05:00

I found this quote on another blog and it really hit home with me (I've changed the original poster's child's name to "our children")...

Maybe the point of prayer, if it isn't to get God to do what we want, is instead to bring ourselves into alignment with God so that we can be close enough to Him to be okay with what He decides instead of feeling like we need to try to get our way. Maybe the beauty in having lots of people pray for *our children* is not that the numbers of their prayers will influence God as it is that there is beauty in the number of people who may draw themselves near to God by praying.
MckMama

Perfectly said.

And exactly what I believe.

That paper we need to have redone? We found someone willing to do it. Very quickly. It will be done either this coming week or early the week after. :)

And the paper we've been waiting on in Guatemala? We found out that it's finished, submitted, and waiting for review by the CNA. :)

"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5

2009-10-27T14:48:00.004-05:00

We have to redo another paper. Another one that is not an easy fix.

No word on the the paper being finished in Guatemala either.

Jump through the hoop...
How high do you want me to jump?

Jump through the hoop...
How high do you want me to jump?

Jump through the hoop...
How high do you want me to jump?

Sigh..

Captured...

2009-10-21T21:47:00.004-05:00

One of my very favorite times of the day is when I tuck Jac in at night.

Each night he talks while he gets his pj's on, he talks while he's supposed to be brushing his teeth ;), he talks while he's using the bathroom, and he chats up a storm as he crawls up into bed.

But the minute he hits that bed, something magical happens in this little guy's heart. Something so precious that each night I am held captive by a flood of love for my little man.

As he's talking, he scooches himself down under his blanket. He places his beautiful black head just so on his dinosaur pillow, pulls the blanket up around his chin, closes his eyes, and smiles. Not any smile, but a smile of deep, deep contentment.

As I stand there in the hazy glow of the night, tucking those covers round that precious, grinning face, I kiss him. I feel his the curly lashes of his eyes and his radiant smile and I kiss him. Again and again. He snuggles in so sweetly. Sighs ever so softly. I plant soft, tender butterfly kisses all over the curves of face.

I can't help myself.

My heart leaves my body and I am washed away by this love.

Oh how this little boy has captured my heart! He is boisterous, loud, whiny, goofy, huggy, loud, and at night it all wraps up into one precious, precious package.

Now matter how bad or hard my day has been, tucking in my baby always makes everything right again and I can't help but leave his room knowing that this is exactly what God had planned.

I am so thankful. :)

2009-10-20T19:39:00.001-05:00

Comments are back "on". Sorry about that! :)

Alone...

2009-10-20T09:02:00.002-05:00

Nothing new.

Still waiting on a paper that needs to make it's way through the courts where the kids were born. The same paper we've been waiting on since July. I'm discouraged, frustrated, and sad.

I am coming up on a year since our Christmas trip to visit the kids. All kinds of emotions are being dragged up with that memory.

This weekend I received word that Victor, a precious 13 year old I had fallen in love with while we were in Guatemala, had passed away. He had kidney disease and was receiving some treatment. His 12 year old sister Joselyn had been his caretaker for many, many years. She is now alone in Guatemala and her brother died alone. The absolute wrongness of this is ripping me apart. It is not ok for children to be alone, to die alone. It is not ok for us to pass it off as a "statistic".

Ashtyn and I were with Victor and Joselyn all day at the amusement park last year. After watching us quietly for part of the day, Victor silently slipped his hand in mine. We walked like that, a little boy in terrible pain and a mom who's heart was being destroyed by the tragedy of it all. I loved these two children.

Instantly.

Deeply.

I have no doubt that Victor is with his Savior. His life is now free of pain and suffering and he finally knows what love truly is.

But it kills me that so many are alone right now on this earth.

I want my babies.

Please God.

It is all wrong.

Adoption Disruption EXTREMELY SENSITIVE

2009-10-07T14:29:00.005-05:00

I am posting per request of a very dear friend of mine. Her family has found themselves in a position that none of us can understand unless we've walked a mile in their shoes. This is an extremely sensitive post and because of that I am disabling comments. If this post touches you in a way that leads you to believe you can help their family, please use the button link on my sidebar to contact me. I will not allow bashing of Corey and her family. Please understand that they are not doing this because they want to, they are doing this to save their son.

At the very least, I'm asking that you pray for this family and for this little guy.

LINK TO COREY'S BLOG POST

Sifted...

2009-09-28T08:54:00.003-05:00

From September through December are tough months for me. Every year as the harvest begins, I hope and I pray that this year will be different. Unfortunately it never is.

You see, it was on September 19, 2005 that we were told that the kids would be home for Christmas. As I watched the harvest that year, I was filled with joy knowing that next year my new little ones would be thrilled to see those machines moving through the fields. It was a season of joy.

October was spent preparing for our newest arrivals. It was in the middle of October that we began to wonder what was taking so long.

Early November shattered our worlds.

Christmas was a blur of tears. Not only for me, but for my family and my extended family, as those two places remained empty at the table. Christmas service was spent in the church bathroom sobbing.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

The years go on. Each spring I think that maybe this will be the year that my children in Guatemala will see the harvest. This year especially I had hope. Hope that by harvest we would be nearly finished and that surely this Christmas would spent with our family complete.

It is not to be.

Another year of machinery harvesting the corn and beans.

Another year of tears, of questions with no answers, of fighting through anger and sorrow and sadness that seep into my very soul.

This year has been different though. This year I was the most angry at God that I have ever been. Maybe because the dream was so close, only to be snatched so cruelly away. This last month, I have been so angry at God that I questioned the reality of my faith like I never have before. The words were coming out my mouth, but the belief behind them was absent.

What good was a God who never seemed to care?

Why should I waste my time praising this God?

Was God weak?

Does God ever even listen?

The month of September was spent in church services that rocked me to my core at a time when I needed it most. A service on unanswered prayer that sent me scurrying out the door to cry in the safety of my van. A service on the power of God to answer prayer that left me questioning my questions.

And then last night.

A service given by our missionary in the Ukraine, spoken in Russian, translated by another pastor. A Ukrainian Christian, uttering the very questions and fears that assaulted my soul.

"What is God doing?"

"Does God care?"

And then this passage...

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32

Jesus, praying for the faith of his precious child.

It took my breath away.

God, screaming at me through all the questions, through all the tears, through all the anger, "I AM HERE. GRAB HOLD OF ME. I AM HERE."

The pain is still deep. Old scars are still torn and bleeding. I am still bruised, tattered, and tearful. The anger is not gone, but swallowing up my unbelief are the precious words of God telling me, I AM HERE.

MY HEART CRIES OUT IN PRAISE OF THE GOD WHO PRAYS.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

2009-09-11T09:09:00.002-05:00

Thank-you to all those who gave their lives to protect our freedoms!

Thank-you to all the families who continue to sacrifice as their loved ones serve our country!

You are never forgotten!

**I will be back to blogging soon! Sorry for the little lapse in posts... :)

Jac-Love...

2009-09-02T08:20:00.004-05:00

THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU!

I could hug you all!

You've all given me so much to think about. :) The comments and the emails were very helpful to me.

The funny thing is, this doctor and I get along very well. He is smart, but has a bit of an ego. ;) Just to throw a little more background into things and to help you all understand things a bit better, before I was a stay at home mom I was a nurse. We live in a small town and I worked in the ER. This doctor and I worked together for years before I quit my job. We got along very well and loved to debate each other. I am not afraid to speak my mind with him and I generally like talking to him.

Last year when he asked about testing for HIV, we got into it a little bit. At that time, I asked him point blank what the possibility was that Jac would sero-convert from a known negative to a new positive. I asked him why he wanted to test Jac, when everything showed that a negative test did not become positive without some new exposure to the disease. He said he didn't know and went to check his literature and look on the internet. He came back saying that it had not ever happened according to the things he had read, but that he wanted to check Jac anyway. Yeah, it never happened. That's why this year he went straight to calls. ;) He knew I knew what I was talking about too.

Jac has never showed any symptoms (the doctor even admitted this) of any disease. He is in the 90th percentile for both height and weight and is growing well. They tested him for everything when he first came home, and all those tests came back fine. I think it's just this one test we can't get past.

After listening to all of you and taking everything to heart, I am actually leaning towards having him tested. You all gave me some good thoughts. I don't want this to cause differences down the road. I think to have him tested in the US (not only for this doctor, but for future doctors he might encounter) and to have it in writing in his records might be a good thing.

Thanks to ALL of you for helping me to see this with "fresh eyes". Sometimes you are too close to a situation to see it objectively anymore and I knew I needed to gain some perspective on this. You all helped me do that. And Laurie, interestingly enough, Jac was never tested here for sickle cell or the sickle cell trait. I think I need to look into that one. I can't remember if they did that at his creche?

As a way to thank-you, I'm ending this post with a little bit of Jac-Love. Yeah, he's a super-model in his head...hahaha!! Enjoy! :)

HIV...

2009-08-31T22:55:00.003-05:00

I need some advice from all you "been there, done that" people.

Jac went to the doctor today for his 5 year-old well child check. Last year when he went in, the doctor suggested to me that we get him tested for the HIV virus. I politely refused at that time. Jac was tested in Haiti as an infant and we felt comfortable with those results. I also at the time, couldn't help but notice that the doctor suggested we only test Jac, not Emilee.

Today when Jac went in, the same doctor suggested the same thing. Before I could even refuse, the doctor walked out. I assumed he was busy. After a short while, he came back in, proceeding to tell me that he had consulted with a specialist. This specialist also felt that Jac needs the test. Once again, Emilee was never brought into the conversation.

I'll be honest. I had to say a quick prayer before I answered him, and still things didn't come out correctly. I am furious about this suggestion.

First of all, if Jac were HIV positive, wouldn't he certainly be symptomatic by now? And second of all, why the different treatment for my two children? Is it because of the thought that HIV is more predominant in Haiti? Do they truly not trust the test done in Haiti, even though I have missionary friends there that use the exact same test? Why the push to test my child when I've told the doctor in the past that it is not something we wish to pursue? I know the reasoning is likely based on fears that this doctor has, but I can't help but wonder if there are subtle racist thoughts underlying his suggestion. Why my black son and not my Mayan daughter?

Am I out of line refusing this test (again)? Am I reading too much into the push (and I do mean he was truly pushing me) to get this done? What is the best way to address this in the future?

Boy Brains....

2009-08-28T23:29:00.005-05:00

Because our adoption process is too confusing and too depressing to update on here, I decided instead to let you in on some of the humor that goes on in this place. :) Namely some humor from one very tall, very mechanically minded boy.

In the last month, here are some of the things that Jac has done with that little engineering brain of his...

He is constantly going to Rod's machine shed and hauling out tools. It's something he's not supposed to do, but something we can't seem to stop him from being tempted by. Recently I found him outside with a block of wood.

And the hand saw.

The REAL handsaw.

The one with the REALLY. SHARP. TEETH.

He couldn't understand why he couldn't play with "that cutter, the REAL one".

"I'll be careful mom!"

Yeah.

I'm thinking no.

It wasn't long after that I saw him intently studying an old bike that he had brought up to the front of the house. He often does this, this studying of wheels and gears and all things nuts and bolts. I saw him again march off to dad's tool shed and come back with a wrench. And then another. And another. Apparently he was sizing them for proper fit.

Silly me.

It wasn't long before the one remaining training wheel was off the bike. No big deal, I thought, assuming his need to disassemble all things was over.

Error.

The next time I looked outside, the entire training wheel itself was in pieces.

Oh, and so was the chain.

And the gear thingie.

And the wheel.

"Put the tools away Jac."

His latest fascination has been with an old innertube from one of the sheds. He rolls it across the lawn, studying with some odd fascination. One day this past week, I looked out the window and laughing, called Ashtyn to come look too. He had put the wheel up against the wheel of her Blazer, sizing it up for fit.

His wheels are turning...

He loves Rod's old truck. While Rod is eating dinner, Jac is often right by the truck. Loving on it with little boy love, I imagine. I don't know why else anyone would stand by it for an hour.

Looking at it's tires.

Checking the broken mirrors.

Going up and down on the running boards.

Oh, and picking broken glass off those same mirrors.

And "painting" the wording.

With Pet-Odor Remover.

In a spray bottle.

That he got from who-knows-where.

His love for all things moving doesn't end there though. He has also keyed our mini-van, "I was just trying to make tracks mom" and once decided to "wash under that wiper".

The back wiper.

The one that now hangs limply from it's screw.

No longer wiping anything.

We are a bit worried here.

We wonder how long it will be before one of us rides down the road.

And suddenly loses a tire.

Or a door.

Or maybe a carburetor.

Anyone for an oil change? :)

Wait...

2009-08-18T09:21:00.002-05:00

Just saw this quote and had to post it...

He makes us wait. He keeps us in the dark on purpose. He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for he has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in.
Elisabeth Elliot

How very, very true.

With Thanksgiving...

2009-08-17T19:31:00.004-05:00

I don't know what has changed, but something definitely has. I am more at peace with things then I've been in a long time.

God and I wrestled pretty heavily this last week. I had a lot of ugly thoughts and was headed towards a very dark place.

But God won out.

His love and His care are that big.

I looked really hard at my life.

I am really, truly blessed.

God has my two firmly in His grip. I have teenage girls that I have the blessing of watching grow up into amazing women. I have a little girl that loves to be a princess. I have a little boy that is bursting with little boy motion. All blessings. Each and every day.

I told my sister today that trusting God is not a one time thing. Each morning I wake up and need to make a choice. To trust or not to trust.

I've got a new quote at the top of my blog. It says, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrows, but only empties today of it's strength." Charles Spurgeon

Wow.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phillipians 4:6

How true is that?

At the end of the day, God is good.

Really, really good. :)

2009-08-13T12:50:00.001-05:00

Happy 12th and 10th birthdays Ronaldo and Julia!

My heart is breaking today.

I have no words left.

Words....

2009-08-01T10:18:00.004-05:00

The week in words...

Our Adoption:
Unwanted interference

Lots of questions

No answers

At Home:
Ashtyn-Being stretched in her faith

Savanah-Took a trip and made new friends

Tabitha-Branching out and growing up

Emilee-Hugging with all her heart

Jac-A blur of busy

Lord,
Thank-you for these I have at home. Watch over those not here. Bring them all together.
Amen.

I Am Not a Burden, I Am A Child...

2009-07-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

DO. NOT. TURN. YOUR. BACK.

Emerald Green and Sapphire Blue...

2009-07-15T14:29:00.004-05:00

Yesterday we traveled to go camping with our family. I cried the whole time packing, but knew without a doubt that this was something I desperately needed.

Mid-afternoon, the lake was hit with a torrential downpour. When the rain ceased, a brilliant sun peeked through dark clouds and the lake sparkled. Something very powerful drew me to take a walk around the lake, through wet grass and puddles of mud.

I needed to talk with my Father.

As I began walking, my fears and tears again poured out. Torrents of sorrow, rushing to the Throne. I was doing a lot of talking, but very little listening. God didn't say anything, but as I entered the part of the trail that went around the lake, I could feel the soothing balm of His love wash gently over my battered heart.

My rantings became more and more quiet as all around me His creation began to draw me in. I slowed, amazed by the tiny raindrops as they sat in perfect lines across bright green leaves. I listened to the birds, singing loudly and watched them loudly shaking the wetness from their feathers. I was in awe, seeing the intricacies of each perfectly formed flower and each tiny blade of grass. I laughed at the bullfrog that hit my foot as it protested loudly at me for interrupting its busy work after the storm.

The lake was crystal clear and in it's reflection, I saw both black clouds and brilliant sun. It was one of those storms where when it's rolled through, the greens shine a stunning emerald and the blues appear as sapphire.

I stopped and just looked around me.

God had done all this.

All of it.

With one word from His mouth, all that I saw in my vision had been created.

In that moment, I was completely awestruck and humbled by His greatness.

And I felt my faith at a true crossroads.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*
God had chosen to create all this.

God had chosen not to intervene and cause a miracle to bring our children home on our timeline.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I knew in that moment that without a doubt, God could choose to cause something to occur in Guatemala to bring our children home.

He has not.

I looked at His creation.

What an awesome, awesome God.

As surely as He's able to create all this, He's more than able to bring about a miracle in our adoption. He has not at this time. But because of the powerful testimony of His creation, I chose in that very second, to trust His wisdom in bringing our children home. He is all knowing.

All. Knowing.

He is unfathomable, and He is MY GOD.

I can trust Him to carry us through.

In an instant He breathed all of creation .

I can trust Him.

I can't see it, but I don't need to.

I can trust Him.

To not only bring beauty from the ugliness of the storm, but to make it more brilliant than I can even imagine in the midst of this downpour.

This is my God.

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.

He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.

They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Psalm 107:28-30

A River...

2009-07-13T22:03:00.004-05:00

I don't even know exactly how to start this post or what to say, so I'm just going to start typing and see what spills out.

We are no longer looking at a Christmas homecoming for the kids. When they will come home, is now a shot in the dark. It might be next year, it might not.

We received news today that some work needs to be done on one of the Guatemala side papers that will very likely take many months. If not longer.

To say I am devastated would be an understatement.

I have not cried so hard or so long in years.

I think I got my hopes up too high that this time might be for real.

It appears God has other plans for us.

I'll be honest, I am stretched beyond my human limits this time. I am sad. I am angry. I am seeking answers where there are none. I'm struggling to find the "fairness" in any of this and realizing there is none.

It's a huge, huge blow.

Today I sat in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half. Crying out in raw anguish to God. Spilling all the anger and brokenness that has swallowed up my very soul. Screaming questions to God that have no answers here on earth. God and I have been down this dark road before. He knows that this pain is so deep and so powerful that I can't find Him. He understands and He holds me in spite of the rage that spews out in these moments of utter blackness.

He is my Father.

I have been bent to a new level, but even this will not sever the love I have for my God. I am choosing tonight to trust His ways, even when I feel like I've been pushed deeper into the forest.

There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You In This Storm." The chorus of it goes like this:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

That song really hit home for me tonight. Everything human in my heart is screaming for me to reject this God who seems to have left us all alone, but as I hear those words, once again God grabs hold of my bleeding soul and every fiber of my being cries out tears of praise to Him.

Even in this storm.

And as I fall, bruised and battered, He picks me up and makes me more whole than before. A fire that refines.

These tears? Like a river, they carry away the anger and fill my heart with a peace that comes only from God. Please don't be surprised if I cry them on your shoulder. The pain is so near the surface and these tears bring healing.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

Broken.

Trusting.

Holding fast.

Believing.

A mustard seed of faith.

....

2009-07-12T21:52:00.003-05:00

Tonight my heart is heavy for a precious family. Friends of ours...very special friends of ours...are fighting a terrible battle. Their wife and mother suffered a massive cerebral aneurysm this past week.

JoEllen is a special person to my daughter Ashtyn. Ashtyn had to leave on a mission trip to Washington DC on Friday. Our only communication is through the youth group leader. It is a time that is ripping my heart out. Knowing the special situation my daughter is in. And knowing that at a moment's notice, we might need to fly her back home.

We have spent days in tears and on our knees.

Tonight JoEllen lies in critical condition, having undergone a third surgery to attempt to decrease the pressure in her brain.

Our prayers are constant.

Breathing moment to moment as we cling to every word from this family.

A community on their knees.

Life is so precious.

My whole perspective has shifted.

Please pray.

Reality...

2009-07-09T15:33:00.002-05:00

I found this on another blog and it was certainly something I needed to hear today.

Tom Skinner of the Washington Redskins said, "I spent a long time trying to come to grips with my doubts when suddenly I realized I had better come to grips with what I believe. I have since moved from the agony of questions that I cannot answer to the reality of answers that I cannot escape. And its a great relief."

We continue the wait and continue the struggle in our hearts...

...

2009-07-04T09:23:00.003-05:00

What a week it's been.

Wednesday was spent anxiously waiting any news from Guatemala. Emailing those who hold the answers.

Nothing.

Thursday was more of the same, with more emails sent to try confirm any details.

Again nothing.

After a restless night Wednesday, and shedding lots of tears on Thursday, Friday was spent making phone calls and sending a flurry of emails to people in Guatemala. Determination replaced the tears.

Here is what we know. And what we don't.

Our case is complete, but has not been reviewed. The people in power have asked that it be reviewed by this coming Wednesday so that plans can be made to either correct any paperwork that needs correcting, or that the Empathy Study can be scheduled. Next week will be spent waiting to hear if the contacts have been made where they needed to be made, and if our case has been reviewed.

Another week of waiting and praying for answers.

We don't know how Ronaldo and Julia took the news of the adoption. That one bears heavily on me.

I don't particularly like this way of living. I don't like that the computer and the phone control so much of my daily life. I need to sit right here "just in case", but at the same time, life keeps going. I don't like wishing my life away, hoping to get to the next day and praying that it will bring news. It exhausts me, mentally and spiritually.

Round 30 of this boxing match.

I'm tired of my heart being split between two countries.

I just want my babies.

Here.

All together.

I'm struggling with the weariness. I've been on this road for too long. I'm ready for the next part of the journey.

Here is a beautiful poem, written by my cousin's daughter. She wrote it for her grandpa who was just diagnosed with cancer. However, the words of it hit me square between the eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I continue to draw comfort and hope from it. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you...

By Kori Nieuwsma
June 28, 2009

God’s timing may not seem optimal in our eyes

Untimely things may occur such as car accidents or cancer

Abilities may be lost and the best may be behind

No matter the situation or diagnosis God is in control

He is a masterful planner who can see the whole picture

His angels are at work all around

Their efforts can be seen in a caring acquaintance, simple note or a loving family

God’s compassion is not limited he uses all creation for his glory

Our job is simply enjoy the beautiful things and be good stewards with what he has given us

The greatest gift he gave was his son to cleanse the impurities of this world

Beyond this gift, the earthly treasures never cease

God has blessed each with simple things like kind words, supportive family and great outdoors to explore

These gifts are our tools to combat the difficulties that seem unbearable

No matter how high the mountain or challenging the situation God has everything under control

The immediate situation may be hard but think from God’s perspective

How can you use that challenge to bring him glory?

Who can you bless through each day?

Take time to notice the sweet, simple moments of everyday

Give your loved one an extra hug, kiss and I love you

Slow down and notice the beautiful world that surrounds us

Spend a moment to help someone out

Be an angel and bless someone else

In our day it seems like a little thing

But in God’s great plan it may make a world of difference

Wating Game...

2009-06-29T08:41:00.004-05:00

~August, 2005~our first visit to Ronaldo and Julia~

Some of you have asked what is left in the process to bring Ronaldo and Julia home. Because we are considered a transition case, this process is unique to cases like ours that are going through the CNA. As far as I know, this is not a process that will be continued if and when Guatemala ever re-opens. This is only to grandfather in the transition cases.

The Empathy Study in Guatemala is obviously our next step. While we are in Guatemala, the CNA will sign over custody of the kids to us. We will actually be considered their legal guardians and representatives. We will be able to be out and about with the kids as much or as little as we want. They will be staying with us for a week, while a social worker from the CNA comes out and does a couple of visits. This is very similar to a homestudy here in the US.

After the week is up, we could legally stay in Guatemala for the remainder of the process, and have the children with us. That's not really feasible for us though, as we have these 5 here at home who need us. :) Instead, Ronaldo and Julia will go back to the orphanage. That one is going to be especially hard on me. The only difference this time, is that I know this is the last time I will say good-bye (Lord willing!!).

Once the social worker writes up her report, the CNA will give a final review to the case and sign it. It will then go to Family Court, where they will review and sign it. After Family Court, all that is left is the US side stuff. This includes something similar to the old Pre-approval, Embassy medicals, new birth certificates in our names, passports, and visas.

The whole process is going to be about 5 or 6 months, give or take. We all know that things can and do go awry and we are trying to prepare our hearts for that. The main difference, is that the CNA has no desire to NOT match these kids with the families who have been waiting for them. That is very much different. They have the option to match them with a Guatemalan family, but realistically, they won't because they desire to see these kids with the families who have loved and fought for them.

I hope this answers some questions. I think I have this correct, but if I don't I'll correct it as I find out. :)

So there isn't a whole lot left to actually complete, just a whole lot of waiting for people to do their thing. It's a different wait in my head right now. It's a feeling of finally realizing these kids are coming home, and feeling like 5 or 6 months isn't a very long time after all.

It's a good, good feeling. :)

A Hundred Miles An Hour...

2009-06-27T08:26:00.004-05:00

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139:1-6

My nerves are shot. Things are suddenly moving again in our case, and last night was a night of little sleep for me.

On Thursday we found out that the kids' corrected birth certificates had been received and had been added to our case file the day before. This means that now our file is complete with all the corrected documents. Our lawyer asked on Thursday about scheduling the Empathy Study in Guatemala, but the Central Authority asked him to check back the middle of next week. It could be as short as a couple of day from then that we go, or it could be as long as a few weeks. Or, if there is a problem with a different one of our papers, we might be set back months. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, looking down at my campsite below. So close I can see it, but so far I feel like I'm never going to get there.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Yesterday the orphanage personnel told the kids what is going on. They hadn't before, not wanting the kids to be devastated again. Now they felt it was time to fill them in on the truth. I am waiting on pins and needles to hear how that went and my mind was in overdrive last night, wondering how they took the news. Are they scared? Excited? Worried? Angry? All of the above?

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I suddenly feel like I'm switching to my "heading to Guatemala" mode. I'm processing the hundreds of things I need to do before we leave, and mentally packing for two kids who will be living with us for a week. Crayons, soccer ball, Barbie, hand-held games, books, puzzles, snacks, drinks...wondering what size clothes they now wear and where to go to quickly and cheaply buy so many clothes. Wondering what we will do to entertain them for a week and if the language barrier is going to be very hard for that week. Wondering how they will feel knowing they can eat as much as they need to for a week, then knowing that have to go back to the orphanage for a few months. Wondering how homesick they will get for the orphanage. And more than anything, dreading the good-bye I know is coming.

Again.

Prayerfully the last good-bye ever, but nevertheless, one where I know they will go back to a place that is hard.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I'M A MESS.

MY NERVES ARE SHOT.

MY BRAIN IS GOING A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR.

I finding myself praying, but in broken sentences, completely distracted. I know God understands that all I can do is pray in little blurbs right now. Crazy little things. An all day (and night) conversation with my Father.

Whew...

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I can't wait to hold my kids again.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

*A Life Outside the Box*

Prayer...

Captured...

Alone...

Adoption Disruption *EXTREMELY SENSITIVE*

Sifted...

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Jac-Love...

HIV...

Boy Brains....

Wait...

With Thanksgiving...

Words....

I Am Not a Burden, I Am A Child...

Emerald Green and Sapphire Blue...

A River...

....

Reality...

...

Wating Game...

A Hundred Miles An Hour...

A Life Outside the Box

Adoption Disruption EXTREMELY SENSITIVE