A Life Outside the Box

Where.....

2015-11-26T13:39:00.001-06:00

I stopped writing here almost two years ago. Although writing is great therapy for me (actually, probably my best therapy), there was so much pain and I was deeply terrified of the words I would spill on this page. There has been a tremendous amount of hurt that has gone on here. There is no way in the world to catch anyone up to speed, so I will just instead start new.

I need this blog.

I need somewhere to "pen my thoughts to paper" so that I can begin to sort through them. I pray that I can do this with grace and dignity, but many times my thoughts are so jumbled and in so much turmoil, that I can't promise any sort of dignity. I CAN promise that the thoughts here will be very real. They might not be what anyone out there wants to read. We all want the "happily ever after", but this is life, and sometimes we don't get that.

This family is still here literally by the grace of God. I have stopped trying to look ahead, because I could not have foreseen all that would happen here, and I cannot change what WILL happen. Instead I'm working to focus on this moment. Trying to make sense of a life much different than I imagined. To be thankful for the good in each day, and to work through the not so good. We have four kids here, all with maladaptive behaviors that spill out daily. We are working on it, but it exhausts us. I thank God that when one of us "can't" anymore, the other seems to have just the right amount of strength to carry on.

Our faith has been tested beyond anything we could have imagined. Most days I feel like God is in control, but the older I get, the more I question everything I once believed. Getting to church feels like a chore. I am restless and I wonder where we belong. We have kids who also question their faith and who are angry at God or their perception of God. We have learned to live in a place of doubt and to accept that. We walk with them as we battle our own doubts. It is what it is. God is God. That much I am absolutely certain of.

These kids are brave and strong. They are living a life they did not ask for, and they are courageous to try make it into something. Their demons haunt them and many days their fight is brutal. Yet they try. I am fiercely protective of them, knowing all their spirits have endured already. I worry constantly about their souls and I work daily on handing that fear over to God. I know He is able. But there is so much hurt and anger.

I don't even know how to end this. My thoughts are tangled. I am thankful on this Thanksgiving day, to be back here and to write. I think that's all I have for now. While I was silent here, I did have two private blogs. Maybe I'll spend some time today trying to move posts over to here. I think somehow that will help make a continuous timeline in my head and remind me WHY we began all this.

Until later.....

Grace....

2014-04-03T07:52:00.001-05:00

"My life is a witness to vulgar grace- a grace that amazes as it offends.

A grace that pays the eager beaver who works all day long the same wages as the grinning drunk who shows up at ten til five.

A grace that hikes up the robe and runs breakneck towards the prodigal reeking of sin and wraps him up and decides to throw a party no ifs, ands or buts.

A grace that raises bloodshot eyes to a dying thief’s request- “Please, remember me”- and assures him, “You bet!”

A grace that is the pleasure of the Father, fleshed out in the carpenter Messiah, Jesus Christ, who left His Father’s side not for heaven’s sake but for our sakes, yours and mine.

This vulgar grace is indiscriminate compassion.

It works without asking anything of us.

It’s not cheap.

It’s free, and as such will always be a banana peel for the orthodox foot and a fairy tale for the grown up sensibility.

Grace is sufficient even though we huff and puff with all our might to try to find something or someone it cannot cover.

Grace is enough.

He is enough.

Jesus is enough."

Brennan Manning

What We Wear....

2014-03-16T06:58:00.000-05:00

Have a blessed Sunday!

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Colossians 3:12

Awkward...

2014-03-10T07:02:00.000-05:00

"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

1 Peter 3:15

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Awkward. :)

Remember that expression? It was so cool back in the days when my older girls were growing up. I would hear it and think how silly it sounded.

Well, now it's not so silly to me.

For months I've pondered which direction I wanted this blog to go. Did I want to continue writing? Do I keep talking about adoption? How do I transition it? Do I talk about homemaking? How about natural healing and living? Trauma?

I was truly stumped. I hit a block and I couldn't seem to find a way around it. So I didn't write. Not anything.

For months.

But you see, that's sort of like cutting my right arm off. ;) God created me with a need to put words on paper. It's the best way I am able to sort through the millions of thoughts that go through my head and heart daily.

Yesterday before any of the kids woke up, I was siting praying. Talking to God about learning to depend more fully on Him. About letting go of worry and being very deliberate to revel in the now. To not lose track of these 7 amazing kids and to focus on loving them right where they're at.

My phone was tucked neatly beside me and so without a second thought, I picked it up and typed yesterday's post. My prayer on paper.

And that's where the confusion began. :)

Awkward...

I should have realized that when you are raising kids with trauma backgrounds, that if you put the word "fear" in a post, it might just cause a wee bit of confusion and panic by your readers. ;)

Whoops!

I want to clear that up.

My kids? They are doing well. They are amazing. All of them struggle daily, but loving their hearts is the best job in the world. These kiddos fight their own fears each and every single day. They struggle to manage thoughts that threaten to overwhelm them. They desperately want to be part of this family, and they are still fiercely loyal to their first families. We work through anger. Through sorrow. We rejoice in healing. We learn acceptance. We laugh. :)

And, I still have 3 older girls. The ones who still need their mama, but who are creating these very cool lives with people they love and who support them. I look at them and I think wow. They are not perfect, but they are pretty darn amazing young ladies. I love being their mom. :)

So we blend this family. We teach. We model. We fall down. We get back up and try again. We work at being a family. Unique individuals that are each created in His perfect plan.

And I pray.

I pray that I can learn to live in the now. In this very moment. Realizing that the legacy I want to leave is of grace. Of forgiveness. Of compassion.

So, my prayer?

It still stands. It's still the person I want to be.

Dear God,

Help me today to not focus on the "what. If's". Help me to be present in the here and now. Make my words kind and my heart tender. Give me the wisdom to model love. Keep me from a place of fear.

Amen.

Fear...

2014-03-09T07:55:00.001-05:00

Dear God,

Help me today to not focus on the "what. If's". Help me to be present in the here and now. Make my words kind and my heart tender. Give me the wisdom to model love. Keep me from a place of fear.

Amen.

Merry Christmas!

2013-12-25T07:14:00.002-06:00

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

Merry Christmas to your family, from ours!

2013-12-21T07:50:00.001-06:00

This....

"Acceptance...
It relishes in the willingness to wholeheartedly say, it's okay. It carves out room for me to be a maternal figure without replacing or feeling as if they are betraying the mothers who gave them life. It understands, this is hard for them, it is hard for me, we are doing the best we can, we all need bountiful grace. Our ties may never bind to the extent of the ones birth formed within our family, but they are lovely and worthy and substantial enough, precisely as they are. They are uniquely tethered and intimately wrought and wonderfully distinctive in their own right." Tisha blogging at Deutschland

One of my favorite bloggers pens it so beautifully. This dance we are in. Please read her whole post.

Acceptance.

"We all need bountiful grace."

Beautiful.

...

2013-12-15T06:48:00.000-06:00

Adding Bloglovin to my feed readers for any who want to follow that way. :)

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Joy In The Morning....

2013-12-15T06:41:00.000-06:00

So...how ARE things at this house?? :)

Since posting all those back-posts from the other "secret" blogs I kept, I see that maybe it looks like things are depressing and hard. ;)

The truth is, most days here are good. And not just good, but very good. :).

One of our kids is in weekly therapy which helps him learn to recognize his feelings and to learn what it means to live in a family. Believe it or not, kids who come from hard places may not have any idea what they feel at any given time. Instead they are used to feeling only "anger" and reacting. It is a long (and rewarding!) process to teach them to slow down and recognize feelings. He is healing and he is finally finding joy.

We have kids here that spew out trauma and are triggered by who knows what. Things can quite ugly here in a matter of seconds, but all the kids are building appropriate ways of coping. They are learning to trust us to resolve things and are starting to understand that grace and kindness go a long way towards healing what has been broken.

We are open about the kids' first families and they often talk about memories or about things regarding their first families. We're good with that, and encourage them to talk. They have a variety of feelings about their first families and we accept that. Feelings are not stagnate things and our kids' feelings are ever evolving. Its good for them to know that their families are our family, and that no subject about their lives before us is taboo.

The other night we were in the family room watching a kid's movie. Tabitha was sprawled in the rocking chair, Julia was one the couch cuddled on top of me, and Jac was laying on the floor giggling. After a bit Emilee came and sat on the landing to watch too. I was overcome as I looked across my kids. One year ago this would have not been possible. One year ago we were doing our best to survive and keep all our kids safe. It was a terribly difficult time. Words can't express the constant turmoil that we were all living in.

And yet...

Here they are.

Happy, and enjoying being with each other doing something so "normal". My goodness. My heart just caught in my throat. I love this little family so very very much. Nine very strong personalities. Nine people God brought together in His infinite wisdom.

You see, God knew.

In our pain we lashed out at Him and we were often driven to our knees screaming, "Why God? Why?!?!"

God knew.

His promises are true. "Weeping may remain for a night but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Family.

Such a precious word.

Thanking God for the road we're on.

A New Direction and Healing...

2013-12-13T08:17:00.000-06:00

I've been watching silently as something miraculous begins to slowly, slowly unfold in my home.

We are taking a new route with our homeschooling this year, and an odd side-benefit is that I am seeing the kids attach more deeply to us as parents. For us, homeschooling these kiddos has been a huge blessing.

Our unconventional way of learning means that I am intimately involved in my kids lives. Not in an intrusive "you need to do this" sort of way, but in a way that flips learning on to them. It's the "watch me mom" way that little kids have. Just as a small child says "watch me mom" a million times a day, through our learning, I have those moments all day every day.

My kids, no longer needing to fit into my mold, are welcoming me into the lives they are molding.

We talk, we explore, we live life full-force with each child, and they are allowing us to attach. We are beginning a beautiful dance together as a family. The changes in all the dynamics are so very good. My kids are beginning to feel valuable as people and it is showing.

Baby steps toward healing.

Where Feet May Fall....

2013-11-10T06:29:00.000-06:00

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me.
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fall)” by Hillsong United

Shame...

2013-11-08T06:22:00.000-06:00

noun

1.the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

The first few years our youngest was home were filled with rage that manifested itself in spitting, biting, removing clothes, kicking, destroying property, and extreme aggression. Screaming fits often lasted hours. I wore only tshirts or long-sleeves to hide the purple bruises and bite marks on my arms. His strength during a rage was super human. Charged with adrenaline, he could easily overpower me. I learned to always have my cell phone on my person so that I could either text a friend or call for Hubby during a rage. Sleep was elusive, both for him and for the rest of the house.

We were not prepared.

Every book you read, every website you visit, cannot prepare you for the reality of what it is like to live with a rage-filled child. All that stuff becomes fruitless when you are in the midst of the pain and trying to draw on what you now can't remember that you read.

We tried so many things. We disciplined, we took away privileges, we didn't let him participate with activities the rest of the family was doing, we tried time-outs and time-ins, we tried sitting in his room with him, we tried letting him rage alone...all of it made him dig his heels in even harder and made him even more volatile.

As a mom, I felt completely hopeless and incompetent. Nothing can humble you more as a mom than looking this kind of ugliness straight in the face and realizing that you have no clue what to do or how to make this child "behave". It is humiliating and painful. People would say he just "needed a good spanking."

Yeah.

Ok then.

We got to a point that we knew he was teetering on the edge and that we needed help. And we reached out. We started a therapy that essentially had me playing one on one with him, coached from behind a one-way mirror by a therapist trained in the technique. I was required to meet certain goals in my words and actions each session.

And something happened.

I began to see that behind all the rage, my little boy was overwhelmed with shame.

That's right....shame.

A shame so pervasive that it overshadowed his entire being.

Being given in adoption means something radically different and deeply personal for every adoptee. For our precious son, that first severed bond registered deep in his soul that he was not, and never would be, good enough.

What we were seeing was not a behavior.

It was not something we could punish out of our child. People, you can't discipline shame out of a person.

Let me repeat that...you cannot punish shame out of a person!

Shame was the very essence of his being.

Ouch.

And that began the real journey. The one we still walk daily. The one where my boy battles perfectionism, driven by a need to prove he is not "less than". On the outside, my son is outgoing, gregarious, and happy. But spend any time with him, and you will see that he is a glass-almost-empty kind of person. That he habitually complains when asked to do anything. That he does not respond well to authority.

The boy who deals with such a deep sadness that it often consumes him.

Shame is ugly.

It is a constant battle for us as his parents. To build something back within him that will finally tell him HE IS ENOUGH.

He is precious beyond words. HE just needs to believe it.

I am so thankful for a God who is THE HEALER.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

Psalm 34:46

Conquering....

2013-11-06T06:19:00.000-06:00

It is a fundamental truth that our bodies can remember events that our heads and or hearts block out. This is much studied phenomenon in the adoption world. How our kiddos bodies react to things that have happened months or even years ago. They're often referred to within adoption circles as "trauma-versaries". Dates when we see behaviors that are inconsistent with our kiddos normal behaviors. Patterns of raging and anger and sorrow that make no sense to those of us who haven't lived their lives.

The past few days, I have been battling an extraordinary amount of depression and sadness and even anger. I could not pinpoint anything causing this. In fact, things continue to move in a good direction here. This morning I woke up to painful swelling in my right jaw, extending to my teeth and right eye. My old friend TMJ was back with a vengeance. Last fall and winter I had almost constant pain, but it had long since abated. I had not felt this particular symptom of my anxiety in months. I was completely baffled.

Strange.

Mid-morning hubby texted me. One year ago today, the reality of the demons one of our kiddos battles was revealed. One year ago today, our lives became a clearly drawn line of "before" and "after".

And it gave me pause.

If my body reacts like this after only being in the midst of this trauma for a year, imagine how often my kids must live with physical and psychological pain. How things that they are not even aware of, affect their bodies and their reactions. Sights, smells, dates, anything.

My goodness.

I am completely humbled.

I will use my TMJ as a reminder that my pain is nothing compared with what they feel. I pray it teaches me to always be gracious.

Because the truth is, I don't know what their lives were. I do not know.

Grief is a wicked beast, best conquered with overwhelming grace.

Glimpsing the Sun....

2013-11-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

Saturdays are often an emotional trigger for me. I've noticed that on Saturday that I'm highly likely to text a friend that I am "not doing well." I battle depression pretty much every Saturday.

Why?

Because all four younger kids are home here with me.

Yesterday the sun was shining and I desperately wanted to try meld these kids as siblings. There is almost constant bullying among the kids and unless we address this head on by encouraging them to be together, we will remain fractured as a family.

The boys asked to go to a local skate park. We had not done this, and a big part of my my life lately has been to actively seek out activities exactly like this. So after some play time out in the sun, we took off for the skate park.

One of my kids...wow...the poor kid is willing to do ANYTHING to gain the approval of ANYONE. :( Finally it was just our family left at the park. We had some good discussions on friendship and how to appropriately answer when someone asks you to do something you don't want to. It was a good teaching moment. I tempered a few fires between the kids, and we just figured out how to play together.

Emilee had a great idea for a game, and all of us got in on the action. We all had the giggles, and no-one got angry.

At one point I turned around and I saw these four amazing kids looking back at me and I was just swept away. No matter what, I love them, and I will fight for them. The daily troubles can so easily drag me under, and I purposely froze this moment in my heart to hold on too.

Lots of laughter and love. A pop on the way home. Children each wanting to sit near me as we warmed up. Talking. A spontaneous hug from my oldest son, just because. Hugs and kisses.

Today I glimpsed redemption.

It is a marvelous gift.

Missions??

2013-10-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I find a post on a blog that makes me want to scream from the rooftops for everyone to read it. Tisha nailed it in this post, Leaps and Bounds and Redepmption.

"I know that for them, that this land of abundance comes with its own particular brand of poverty."

"When I say say I agree and I have absolutely no plan to participate in a short term mission trip, it is not flippantly or without thought. It's because I can't even look in that direction. Although I know without a doubt there are many people doing wonderful work in foreign countries, even on short trips, it's not just Meadow and Flint and their families who have suffered, I too have been scarred by participating in ethically questionable practices that I have no means of undoing. I just couldn't even consider it an option.

Whether you fault me for it or not makes no difference - my conscience has been burdened."

And the post Tisha quotes from Jamie The Very Worst Missionary?!?!?

Holy heck yes.

"You know what I really want to do?

I want to fill a rental van marked “Tourist” with unbelievably rich people and then I want to bring them to your middle-class neighborhood to take pictures of you and your kids and your house and your cars.

I’ll act as the unofficial tour guide to their trip, walking them slowly down the street, pointing out the shocking differences between their lifestyle and yours. “This man,” I will say with a gesture of my upturned palm, “cuts his own lawn.”

“These kids share a bedroom.”

“Many of these families require two incomes… just to survive.”

Please go and read these blogs.

Please step out of your comfortable "mission" world, and go read.

A Soft Place to Fall...

2013-10-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

Because things were so chaotic and tumultuous when the kids came home, Julia tended to blend into the background. My first goal was to be a safe place for her. Every night I would tuck her in and kiss her forehead and tell her I loved her. I absolutely did not expect anything back. I knew deep in my soul that I loved her no matter what. I prayed that some day she would accept that love, but I was ok knowing she might not be able to. Our days were spent in silence. She didn't talk much at all. Not in Spanish, not in English.

She was a quiet, perfect, non-person.

She had learned to blend perfectly so as not to let down her guard.

Then slowly, it began to happen.

It started with her coming to events with me. Just the two of us. Not talking, just being. She began seeking me out and sitting by me. Wanting to be physically close. Tentatively talking. Revealing pieces of her tender and broken heart. The walls were slowly being chipped at, blocks of ice tenderly melting. She began holding my hand. Calling herself "daughter". Giving me a hug with one arm around my neck.

We had gone to a football game. Just her and I and my sister. We surrounded her. She was very cold so I kept covering her with my blanket. Trying to keep her warm enough. Talking to her. Loving on her. She's a goofy young lady so we have a lot of fun with her ;p

She didn't wear her headphones coming home. Her "safety" was off. We listened to the radio. It was late when we got home, so she quickly got into bed. I said her prayers. Gave her kiss on her forehead. She likes to talk just a tiny, tiny bit after prayers, so we started talking.

It evolved.

Talking about what it means to stand up for what is right.The honor that her sisters show in doing the right thing, despite the adults in their lives who sometimes don't.

And her story began.

How she was teased mercilessly by one girl at her orphanage for a minor medical issue she has. As she talked, I listened and held her hand. Talking quietly, listening quietly.

And then the pause.

The one where my heart stopped. And so did hers.

And those tears fell.

And they fell

I scooped my baby up into my arms and she wept. She wrapped herself tightly around me and she wept.

Home is finally becoming her soft place to fall.

Truth...

2013-10-26T08:47:00.000-05:00

"Look around you. There are hungry, hurting 4 year olds in your backyard. Some of them are in homes that the government has placed them in and they are being hurt even more...

I am going to be critical from the perspective of a 4 year old boy who has been through this personally. As believers our new nature should be love, not in words but in action. I think all believers would say we love the children in the foster care system or we love orphans but it's easy to see that isn't the truth.

Look at how many children need adopted in your local state and then tell me the church is full of love for these children.

How many pastors, elders, deacons, or church members are involved in the foster care system in your church?

How many of them have adopted?

Is that really love?

That 4 year old boy, who has become a man, despises the phrase, "I am not called,” because that 4 year old boy hears the words, "I do not want you.”

No where did God ever say it was a calling."

TRUTH.

Words...

2013-10-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”
― William Martin

Shame...

2013-10-23T08:43:00.000-05:00

"A loud wail erupted as a volcano of SHAME came tumbling through her lips.
“I feel bad that I hurt you, I feel bad that I was so mean today. I am a really bad, no good, rotten awful ugly kid that no one should like, I hate me, I wish I had never been born. You shouldn't love me, or be nice to me, because I ruin everything.”
And that is the shame folks, the everlasting seepage of how no matter what she feels unworthy, incapable of good, and destined to live up to her definition of herself."

When all is said and done, Jac's biggest struggle is shame. Any mistake he makes or any error he makes has his brain immediately telling him that HE IS BAD. Once again, Lindsay nailed it in her post. My goodness I learn so much from her blog. Please, if you have a child that acts "bad", look beyond the bad to the heart. What lies does your child tell themselves??

One Year...

2013-10-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

One year ago we landed in the United States with Ronaldo and Julia. I can honestly say, it's been the hardest year of our lives. I am not the person I was one year ago. I'm not sure yet it if that's bad or good, but it is what it is. I have to fight every day to keep from being swallowed up by depression and the "what ifs". I told a friend last night that I will not dwell too much on this anniversary. I can't. My grief will overwhelm me. Instead I have to treat it like any other day and focus on what is right in front of me now. God has taught me that one well. I continue to believe that God can redeem all things in time, and that beauty can rise from the ashes.

God's presence in our lives does not depend on our perception of His presence. For that, I am eternally grateful.

(Ronaldo and Savanah, hanging out the night before we came home...deep thoughts)

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."

Joel 2:25a

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

2013-08-14T08:48:00.000-05:00

~~*~~August 2005-The beginning.~~*~~

*We met Ronaldo and Julia for the first time in August of 2005. We had been told they were 7 and 5, turning 8 and 6. The truth is, they were actually 5 and 4, turning 6 and 5. We fell in love that trip. Little did we know the battle that was about to come.

"Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark."

~Rabindranath Tagore

2006. (This was also the first time we met Emilee (Peanut))....tears

2007...tears

2008...tears

2009...tears

2010...tears

2011..tears

2012..tears

~~*~~August 13, 2013 tears of joy!~~*~~

*Giggles the night before as my daughter asks again (as she has for every night the last week) "one queshion mom...."..."a purple rock on a string"...giggles..."no mom!! what you get me?"..."I told you, a purple rock on a string! Would you like sparkles on it? Every girl wants a purple rock on a string!"...laughter, kisses, and tickles...

*A son who is SO excited his voice is shaking as we pray the night before

*One child up at 6:20, the other at 6:25. Both giddy and full of smiles

*A son trying to sneak a peek at the presents while I am in the bathroom. Laughter when he's caught red-handed.

*Accidentally locking the gifts in our room!! Oops!

*Eyes lit up when she sees the shoes she so badly wanted

*"Mom how did you know that I wanted a rip-stick?"..."I listen buddy. That's what mom's do. They listen to what their kids are saying. My ears are always listening to you."....smiles....

*Two girls in the bathroom, doing hair, listening to High School Musical, getting "fancy" for a party with family...priceless...

*Two boys helping their dad change the oil...life lessons

*Family gathering...laughing...talking...bowling :)

*Bedtime prayers with two very happy kiddos.

*Thanking God

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.

And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.

Right now."

~Author Unknown

From An Amazing Mom....

2013-08-04T08:47:00.000-05:00

This mom really gets it...

~~~**~~Chronic Pain~~**~~

"Always when judging
Who people are,
Remember to footnote
The words "So far.""
~Robert Brault

The Courage Not To Deny....

2013-07-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

*taking senior pictures*

*tandem rope swinging*

*playing go fish...with the dog*

*building sand walls*

*skipping rocks*

*catching tadpoles*

*happiness is a merry-go-round*

*17 is not too old to have fun*

*flying homemade kites...see the dot waaaaaayyyyy back there?*

*loving on the kitties*

*being a family*

To him that waits all things reveal themselves, provided that he has the courage not to deny, in the darkness, what he has seen in the light.

~Coventry Patmore

Quote...

2013-07-21T08:45:00.000-05:00

"Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown in his book Daring Greatly

Progress....

2013-07-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

This summer has been a summer of working hard to build a solid base for our kids. Giving them anchors in their lives. Cocooning them tightly within this family. Flooding them with new memories. Teaching them what family is, and gifting them with the innocence they lost way too early in life. We have spent most of our days outdoors, learning to enjoy God's beautiful world. We have strictly limited anything that is electronic. Social media is out. We spend our days swimming, fishing, riding bikes, playing sports as a family, talking, playing board games, camping, catching animals to observe, talking, raising animals, making rope swings, working on school, talking some more...you get the idea.:)

Our kids were adopted at ages 3 1/2, 3 1/2, 12, and 13. Adopting an older child is not like taking a healthy, well-adjusted child with a strong sense of self, into your home. Adopting an older child means that you are taking on a child with deep issues. Some of things we've dealt with are:

-hoarding food

-refusing food

-raging

-destroying property and their things, or our things

-anxiety

-sleeplessness and night terrors

-biting

-spitting

-violence toward others

-demonic nightmares

-lying

-bullying

-running away

-swearing

-depression and self-hatred

We have had some very, very tough times this summer. But we also are seeing our kids all find their place, little by little. Recently my 13 year old had a seriously tough day. After the dust had settled I told him, "There are 2 things you need to remember. First, our job as parents is to keep all of you safe. This home is a safe place. Second, you are loved by God and by us NO MATTER WHAT. You cannot do or say anything that will change that. We are a family."

Do they believe it? Some days yes, some days definitely not.

We wrap them in prayer.

Each day is a new day and a chance to start with a clean slate.

We are learning the meaning of grace.

And of mercy.

For them, but also for ourselves.

Progress.