Predict Idol

(Aired 5/20/09)

Almost 100 million votes came in last night; that's 624 million votes over the course of the season. For-Me-For-You Jackson is wearing a velvet red bowtie. Next to him is Sweetie-Honey DioGuardi. Paula Vocabdulary and Simon Cowell the deaf guy are, of course, the other two judges.

Kris Allen and Adam Lambert, our two finalists, are dressed in white. Their microphones don't seem to be on. Oh no, Mikalah Gordon is live reporting again, this year from Conway, Arkansas, Kris' stomping grounds. Carly Smithson is in San Diego, Adam's hometown.

So who will it be?

The other 11 finalists this season are doing a group number to the song “So What” by Pink. They too are all in white. It's kind of weird to see people like Jorge Nunez and Jasmine Murray singing because we hardly got to know them.

After the break, WOOHOO, IT'S DAVID COOK!!! I long for Season 7. I enjoyed it so much more than this year. I know, I know, no one's forcing me to watch it. Anyway, he sings “Permanent,” one of the songs from his CD. He sounds great. Remember when people were calling Adam “Cookalike” at the beginning of the season? Now it's abundantly clear that other than the 'do similarities, they are very, very different.

All the proceeds from the sale of David's performance tonight on iTunes will go towards curing cancer, which recently took David's brother's life.

GOLDEN IDOL AWARDS
(Otherwise known as “extraneous fluff which is the reason they can't keep this show under 2 hours.”)

The Golden Idol awards are up next, during which we are once again treated to a spate of horrible auditions. Norman/Normund Gentle is one of the nominees for “Outstanding Male,” and he wins. So we're treated to one last performance by the nut. When he's done, the camera cuts to Ryan, in aviator glasses and a headband. That has to be the funniest sight I've seen all season. I'm not kidding, that was hysterical.

Next Lil Rounds sings with Queen Latifah, and after the break Anoop Desai and Alexis Grace sing “I'm Yours” with Jason Mraz. Partway through, they are joined by the rest of the Idols. Love that song.

They play a film of Kris Allen's Idol journey. He really seems nonplussed by all the fuss. Then he sings “Kiss a Girl” with Keith Urban. Love Keith Urban. Kris doesn't seem like a newbie in the presence of a veteran; he fits right in like he's been a star for years.

So far, I'm enjoying the show, even though 2 hours and 7 minutes is an excessive amount of time just to say, “---- is the American Idol!”

Another commercial break, and then the Season 8 women sing “Glamorous” before introducing Fergie herself, who does “Big Girls Don't Cry.” Then the Black-Eyed Peas do a song I have never heard before and I don't feel like looking it up. I don't care how uncool that makes me.

GOLDEN IDOL AWARD #2

Now the nominees for “Best Attitude.” This of course includes Bikini Girl, Alexis Cohen, and some other caterwauling female. BG wins and predictably shows up wearing as little as she can get away with on a family show. Then she gets another chance at “Vision of Love.” She seems to be taken by surprise when Kara comes out to sing along with her. Or rather, totally outsing her, as she did during the audition. The kicker at the end? Kara rips open her dress to reveal a bikini body of her own. BG looks TICKED, which makes my day, even though the whole thing was probably rehearsed.

Allison Iraheta performs “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper, who is playing some instrument I don't know the name of. They sound pretty good together. Allison, like Kris, is completely at ease and definitely belongs up there with any caliber of artist.

Ryan briefly interviews the Allens and the Lamberts in the audience and then Danny Gokey sings Lionel Richie's “Hello.” I think it's his best performance all season. Lionel himself comes out and sings “Just Go” and “Dancing on the Ceiling” with Danny. Love Lionel. I don't care how uncool that makes me either.

You know, I hear a lot of people complaining about the 2+ hour results show. And I have to admit I'm one of them. But it really is a great opportunity to see all the Idols again along with some of the top artists of the last 50 years or so.

They play a film of Adam's Idol journey next. He's singing “Beth” in an outfit that only he could wear. He's also glitterized and mascarafied. KISS takes the stage. These guys are 60 years old! (The original band members, at least; I don't know about the replacements.) Fortunately the makeup covers the wrinkles. They're doing “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Night.” Get a load of those platform boots on Adam.

Carlos Santana is up next playing “Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" and the Idols do the vocals.

The final Ford music video is "I Will Remember You,” which is actually a montage of the previous videos. Then David Cook surprises Kris and Adam with keys to their brand new matching Ford Fusion Hybrids.

Megan Joy and Michael Sarver join Steve Martin, who's playing the banjo to a song he wrote called “Pretty Flowers.” Very sweet song. Megan and Michael were Burke and Bunny's picks to win. Funny how that worked out.

After another break, the male Idols, wearing black suits and ties, sing “Do Ya Think I'm Sexy.” Not hard to guess who's coming up next: Rod Stewart, in a plaid jacket louder than the one Randy wore last night. He performs “Maggie May,” a song he's been singing for almost 40 years. Hey, Bo Bice is in the audience; haven't seen him in a while. And camera guy? More Carrie Underwood, less Janice Dickinson, please.

LAST GOLDEN IDOL AWARD

Last one is for “Outstanding Female.” I don't remember any of the nominees except, of course, Tatiana Del Toro. And I was trying so very hard to forget. But she wins, and then she eludes security guards who are trying to prevent access to the stage because Ryan insists it's time for a commercial break. She launches into “Saving All My Love For You” without band accompaniment while the guards chase her around. Staged drama, much? Well, that's how we know her.

Now Adam and Kris sing “We Are The Champions” with Queen. Is this the producers' way of hinting that Adam has won? Well, I suppose they would have had to rehearse this before last night when the votes came in. Cut to commercial.

Are we finally going to hear the results? Maybe. First the guy who certifies the results are accurate brings the envelope to Ryan. Would he be as credible if he had a southern drawl rather than a British accent? I doubt it.

The Season 8 American Idol is ... KRIS ALLEN!!!!!!!!

I am speechless! (Yes, I know that's what some of you wanted.) Today as I heard predictions from people I know as well as comments on the Internet, it started to sink in that he COULD win. But I still never thought he WOULD. He is still modest and humble, those qualities that are so annoying to Simon, and can hardly believe it himself. Adam is genuinely happy for him. That is probably the biggest thing I appreciate about Adam. He doesn't begrudge others' success or limelight.

So Adam Lambert joins Justin Guarini, Clay Aiken, Diana DeGarmo, Bo Bice, Katharine McPhee, Blake Lewis, and David Archuleta as a 2nd-place finisher. Pretty good company, I'd say. And we all know he will do just fine, thank you very much.

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SCORES

Bunny: 0 out of 1
Wrong about Adam Lambert
(Bunny’s Bomb: 1 out of 1)

Burke: 0 out of 1
Wrong about Adam Lambert
(Burke’s Turkey: 0 out of 1)

Prognosticats: 1 out of 1
Right about Kris Allen
(Prognosticats’ Hairball: 1 out of 1)

FINAL SEASON 8 SCORES

So what does our second year show in regard to the cats vs. humans experiment? The final tally reveals that Burke is once again the winner here at Predict Idol, correctly predicting who would go home 17 out of 24 times, for a whopping 71% average (up from 48% last year). Bunny comes in second at 11 out of 24 for 46% (up from 30%). The Prognosticats are last again with only 6 out of 24 for 25% (but also improved, up from 22%). All we can ask is progress, right?

On the other hand, our personal American Idol predictions (those we thought should have gone home) were mostly worse. (The total is lower than last year because of the way they did eliminations this year.) Burke's Turkeys were 3 out of 8 for 38% (down from 48%), Bunny's Bombs were 4 out of 8 for 50% (up from 48%), and the Prognosticats' Hairballs finished in last place with only 2 out of 8 for 25% (down from 26%). Sorry, cats. That's a litterbox-level showing.

We enjoyed the Idol ride with our readers this year. Stay tuned ... January's not THAT far away! Be sure to visit our American Idol store for all your Idol memorabilia or check out the items below!

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Aired 5/19/09

Bunny: Randy is wearing a really loud suit, and Simon has put on a jacket. We must be at the finale! The two leather-clad rockers, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, enter to wild applause. Thank goodness they weren't forced to wear satin boxing robes this year. Kris won the coin toss last week, so he has wisely chosen to sing second, although we all know Adam would win even if he didn't show up because he had a scheduling conflict with a puppy-drowning party.

Adam and Kris will each sing three songs tonight: 1) their favorite performance from the season, 2) a song chosen by Simon Fuller, one of the show's creators, and 3) the winner's single, which was co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

RATING SYSTEM

Litterbox Level

Paws-itively Purr-fect

Contestant’s favorite previously done song

Adam Lambert

“Mad World”
Bunny: Why am I not surprised that Adam has been screaming since babyhood? I am very happy, however, that he is doing “Mad World” again. As before, he absolutely kills it. His voice is truly fantastic when he just ... SINGS. That was superb. And again, I have to give him 4 paws.

Burke: I haven't liked him all year, but that was definitely his best song.

Kris Allen

“Ain't No Sunshine”
Bunny: He's at the piano again. He does it even better than the first time. It's every bit as effective as Adam's performance, but in a very different way. Simon calls Round 1 Kris', but that's probably only because he's going to tear him apart later.

Burke: It was just a hair too slow for me. I actually think Adam's first song was better. But that was an enjoyable opening round.

Simon Fuller's choice

Adam Lambert

“Change Is Gonna Come”
Bunny: It starts out pretty good. Of course the screaming begins again halfway through, because that's what America and the judges love. But he's not as shrill as on previous occasions, and he does sing with feeling.

Burke: Well, he's back to his old screamy, over-emoting, super-theatrical, weepy-pouty self.

Kris Allen

“What's Goin' On”
Bunny: He's got the acoustic guitar and three other musicians front and center. I don't think it's the best song for this point in the competition, as Randy said, but it's not his fault, as Randy seemed to forget. It was well done, but sure enough, the wolves are tearing into the carcass already.

Burke: Didn't like the song choice, and it was a weak performance. I think the contestants should be able to choose both of the first two songs.

Winner’s single

Adam Lambert

“No Boundaries”
Bunny: I'm not sure what to say about the song. Pro(s): Title doesn't make me gag. Con(s): It doesn't include the word “rainbow.” Still there's enough evidence to warrant the inclusion of a coronation song cliche count: moment, chances, mountain, higher, believe, dreams, road. Did I miss any? As expected, the judges' last critique of the preordained winner is worshipful, except for Randy. The way he sang it, I had a hard time detecting a melody.

Burke: To me, this proves why Adam shouldn't be the American Idol. He can't sing a popular song without screaming, shouting, and pouting.

Kris Allen

“No Boundaries”
Bunny: This is likely to suit Kris' style far more than Adam's. I think it's a smart move to not use an instrument for this last performance of Season 8. The notes are a little flat at times. However, I prefer his version because he makes it sound like a better song than it really is. The judges give their “we're proud of you for making it this far and you might as well enjoy this moment because we have ensured that you're going to lose” speeches. Arrrrrgh. Hopefully this will motivate his voters.

Burke: Did he have a mustache during the first song? Weak song, weaker performance. I liked it less than Adam's, I hate to say it. The last two songs were the kiss of death for ol' Kris.

Bunny: Carrie Underwood sings “Home Sweet Home” accompanying a generic goodbye package which includes clips of some of the most obnoxious contestants from Season 8, several of which are likely to be in the house tomorrow night to provide us one last laugh. Or agonizing groan.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Let's compare the ratings we gave to each. I gave Adam 4 + 3 + 2 = 9 and Kris 3.5 + 3 + 2.5 = 9. Strangely, even though we've made no secret of the fact that we are not Lambert fans, I believe he is the only contestant I gave 4 paws to this season, and twice! That said, I still have to name him Bunny's Bomb (someone has to be). Obviously neither of them bombed and I rated them equally overall. But the only way I can decide is go by season performances as a whole, and as you undoubtedly know, I have always liked Kris better. However, if I want to correctly predict Season 8's American Idol, I have to guess that he won't be it.

Burke: Ratings for Adam 3.5 + 2.5 + 2.5 = 8.5 and Kris 3 + 2.5 + 2 = 7.5, so I feel there was a wider margin between them tonight than Bunny. Burke's Turkey is Kris Allen. I want him to win, but I believe Adam will because he was the stronger competitor tonight. It would have been interesting to see a finale featuring David Cook vs. Adam Lambert or Gaspy vs. Kris if Seasons 7 and 8 had been combined.

Prognosticats: Hairball performance honors go to Kris Allen, yet we believe Adam Lambert will not be the American Idol.

Bunny: See you tomorrow night for the final results show, wherein someone will be crowned, and someone will be owned (and based on the restrictive Idol winner's contract, it may be the same person)! Remember to set your DVRs for MORE than two hours, since they're already planning on running overtime. I love ambitious goals.

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Aired 5/13/09

Bunny: The “Night at the Museum” cast opens the show with some nonsense about the judges' desk being put in the Smithsonian. Oh, okay, Ryan says that part is true. Interesting. Kara, I really don't want to look at your armpits anymore. Please wave less enthusiastically.

The Ford music video is set to "Break My Stride" (originally done by Matthew Wilder), and appears to be inspired by A-Ha's famous “Take On Me” video. Is it just me or are these videos on a budget this year?

Alicia Keys is here and speaks briefly about how we can help children with HIV in Africa by texting ALIVE to 90999. Then she introduces “Noah,” a boy from Rwanda who sings “I'm The World’s Greatest.” He's got the moves! (Although some of them are rather Gokey-esque.) He learned the song in English in just one week, but I still don't understand 95% of it. Cute, though, especially when he shakes hands with each judge during his performance.

After the break, Danny is called up first for the news. Of course we won't actually get results just yet. If anyone but Adam was declared safe at this point, there'd be no point in watching the rest of the show. Ryan asks him about his friend Jamar Rogeres, and then we see a film of Danny's hometown visit to Milwaukee. There is lots and lots of screaming. And Adam isn't even there! But if the level of excitement for Gokey is any indication, the Adam clip will probably burst our eardrums. Anyway, Danny is sent to sit down for a while.

Now it's time to watch Kris' trip to Little Rock, Arkansas. He gets a hug from his dad that is as touching as the scenes of Elliott Yamin's mom that we remember so fondly. After that Kris is sent to the couch as well.

Jordin Sparks takes the stage to sing “Battlefield.” Wow, she is really blossoming. She really is a gorgeous girl. There is a lot more pitchiness than I expected, but her performance as a whole is dramatic and entertaining. But the applause is lukewarm. I always feel sorry for the previous winners who have failed to measure up to Kelly, Carrie, most likely David, and even non-winners such as Clay, J-Hud, and Chris.

Adam's turn. It's back to San Diego for his hometown meet and greet. He puts eyeliner on the weather lady at the local news station. A creepy grandmother type presses her face against his limo to see him. This is your life from now on, music theater guy, whether you win or ... win. There's no point in even using the other word. That reminds me: Why have scores of previous contestants been dismissed as “too musical theater,” but when the absolute personification of musical theater shows up, they fall all over themselves to declare him the best of the best?

Dim the lights, we're about to hear more quasi-results. The upshot is that Adam has to sit on the couch for a while too. Next to me on our couch, Burke wonders what happened to the group number. That's true—did the top 3 do one last year? I can't remember. I'll be right back. Okay, a trip to the dusty “Predict Idol” archives reveals that Grownup David, Adolescent David, and Syesha Mercado did “Ain't No Stopping Us Now” in Season 7.

Another break, and then Katy Perry does “Waking Up In Vegas” with Adam Lambert's name emblazoned on her Elvis/Superhero/Onesie outfit. I'm sorry, but this girl clearly cannot sing. I will admit to liking “Hot N Cold,” but this is terrible. Almost as terrible as the fact that she is allowed to not-so-subtly throw her (light)weight behind the foreordained winner. The Idol machine is obviously thumbing their nose at the teeming masses that have made this show the most popular one on television. Somebody sic Joan Rivers on Ken and Cecile, stat.

Finally, it is time. The first one through to the finale is, unbelievably, Kris Allen! So unless this is an upset of gargantuan proportions, Danny Gokey is going home. And indeed, he is. Adam Lambert is safe. Why they did it that way, who knows. Maybe since the judges have been slowly turning on him lately, they're just messing with him now, knowing that only Danny would be cocky enough to believe he could possibly usurp Adam's position.

As he sings himself out, for once the emotion seems real.

So Danny Gokey joins Nikki McKibbin, Kimberley Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzell Solomon, Elliott Yamin, Melinda Doolittle, and Syesha Mercado from Seasons 1 through 7, respectively, as a 3rd-place finisher.

SCORES

Bunny: 1/1
Right about Danny Gokey
(Bunny's Bomb: 1/1)

Burke: 1/1
Right about Danny Gokey
(Burke's Turkey: 0/1)

Prognosticats: 1/1
Right about Danny Gokey
(Hairball: 0/1)

Bunny: Well, well, well. Those of us who are not thrilled about the American Screamer being in the top 2 can at least take comfort in the fact that the Adam-Danny finale predicted eons ago by, well, just about everybody, but most notably Paula, will not be taking place. See you next week for ... ding-dong?

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Aired 5/12/09

Bunny: Tonight's episode is the 300th of American Idol. The top three battle it out tonight to get to the finale. Correction: the last three standing will battle it out. Two of the top three have already been voted off.

They sing two songs tonight; one chosen by the judges and one they themselves pick. We see brief clips of them being texted the song choices while back in their hometowns, but isn't this usually the episode where we get to see the parades and school appearances and such? Not that I'm generally a fan of that kind of filler, but I was just wondering.

RATING SYSTEM

Litterbox Level

Paws-itively Purr-fect

JUDGES’ CHOICE ROUND
(known here at Predict Idol as the “We-Picked-This-Song-For-You-But-It’s-Still-Your-Fault Round”)

Danny Gokey

“Dance Little Sister” by Terence Trent D'Arby
Bunny: He is saddled with a song he doesn't know (nor do I), thanks to Paula Abdul. Let's see if he can make it sound as if it's one of his favorites. He always seems to start off at such an overpowering level that there's no such thing as building to a crescendo with him. And the DOOT-DOOT-DOOT or whatever in the middle is obnoxious. The other problem: What in the world kind of song was that? Not his decision, I know, but blech, not one of the greatest ditties ever penned.

Burke: I don't think I've ever heard that song before, so I couldn't really identify with it. I liked his energy and thought that he performed it well. He looks more and more like George Michael every week.

Kris Allen

“Apologize” by OneRepublic
Bunny: Randy and Kara chose this one. I love the song for personal reasons, and I think it's a good one for him. He's playing the piano tonight. Other than the fact that he sometimes strains really hard when he sings, I absolutely loved it. It's emotional, powerful, and his voice is spot on. Wow. Paula says there was a loud bum note. I'll have to listen again; I didn't hear it. He could have probably changed it up a bit more, but he was way, way better than Danny.

Burke: I like the song choice, and I thought he did a good job on it. A little karaoke, maybe, but I liked it.

Adam Lambert

“One” by U2
Bunny: The first part is “Mad World” 2.0, which is great. The second part is “Feeling Good” 2.0 which, ironically, makes me feel bad.

Burke: Excellent song choice. Did not like his performance of it. I don't like his faky emotions and crying faces. I didn't even recognize the song that I like. He has to make everything such a theatrical event. Can't he for once just stand there and sing?

Bunny: Time for a quick “Idol Gives Back” update with Carrie Underwood. She is in Africa distributing bed nets to prevent malaria. Then it's back to the music for Round Two.

CONTESTANTS’ CHOICE ROUND
(Alternate name: The “Singing-A-Song-I've-Always-Loved-In-Other-Words-Professional-Suicide” Round)

Danny Gokey

“You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker
Bunny: Interesting choice. I'm sure it will be better than the first song. He starts out with an energy level the polar opposite of the first performance, which would seem to indicate that he has proven me wrong about building a song to a climax, but I disagree. The transition didn't seem very smooth to me. However, it's not bad overall.

Burke: Didn't like the song choice—lame-o—but I thought he performed it well.

Kris Allen

“Heartless” by Kanye West
Bunny: This time he's on the acoustic guitar. Personally, I liked the first number better, but probably only because of my preference for “Apologize.” But he did great.

Burke: Liked the song, liked the performance, best of the night. He wasn't dancing, he wasn't being theatrical; he was just singing.

Adam Lambert

“Cryin'” by Aerosmith
Bunny: Could that be “early Aerosmith” I'm hearing? Insert customary Adam commentary here.

Burke: Ditto. ScreamFest '09 continues. Whoopee.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: First: I am so over Kara E-NUN-CI-A-TING EV-ER-Y SYLL-A-BLE as if she's nailing it to a building with a wrecking ball. Second: I hate to say it, but I can't wait for this season to be over. I have never felt that way before. And it's not so much because of any failing on the part of the contestants (although it happens to be true that two of the remaining singers make my ears bleed). It's the judges and the producers who have my knickers in a twist. I'm really, really tired of Adam getting the best treatment (singing order, lighting, etc.). I'm sick to death of the clowns at the judges' table fawning over him. Before the Adam fanatics go all ballistic in the comments, it's actually not the screaming that bothers me the most. It's the Idol producers and judges deciding for us who will win and who we should vote for. I can understand and appreciate their insight and opinions when offered honestly. But when all pretense of fairness and democracy is as absent as Alexis Grace, it peeves me. We the public are now irrelevant. Yes, I know the majority of viewers love Adam. But I get the feeling that even if Kris, Danny, or any ousted contestant were America's favorite, we'd still be asphyxiated by Adam aggrandizement. (Whew, that was some serious alliteration.)

Burke: If they've already anointed him the American Idol, why are we even watching?

Bunny: Exactly. Is he a nice guy? Sure appears to be. Does he have incredible technical prowess? Certainly. I. Just. Can't. Listen. Anymore. I have to say, I hope Kris goes home tomorrow. You know why? So I can totally not care next week when Gokey gets schooled and Adam is given the crown the judges have been lovingly polishing for him with their own saliva since Day 1. If Kris makes it to the finale, and nails his performances, as he usually does, he will still be the ugly stepchild. I'd just as soon he not be put through the humiliation of showing up for a competition whose outcome was decided months ago. They might as well critique Kris right now and save some time, as Paula did to Jason Castro last year. But I think Danny Gokey will finally be going home tomorrow night, and he also wins the dubious distinction of being Bunny's Bomb. Obviously Kris is my choice for best of the night.

Burke: Burke's Turkey is Adam Lambert. I agree that Danny Gokey is going home. I liked Kris the best.

Prognosticats: Tonight's hairball is Adam Lambert. But we concur as well: Danny Gokey is going home.

Bunny: See you tomorrow night for the results! (And Nigel? Please come back—I take back all the mean things I said about you.)

Aired 5/6/09

Bunny: Tonight we find out who will win the not-so-coveted “Tamyra-LaToya-Daughtry” fourth-place slot. Which of these four lovely contestants will it be?

We begin with the Ford music video, set to “Move Along” by the All-American Rejects. Our paper “I-dolls” come to life by means of computer animation. Not terribly exciting.

Then we move along into the group number, which the contestants perform with some weird guitarist guy with a silly top hat and a totally '80s 'do. Just kidding, people-who-think-all-I-listen-to-is-John-Denver. It's Slash, of course. The song is “School's Out” by some lady named Alice Cooper. (I think she was one of the Barenaked Ladies.) I didn't love it musically but it was fun otherwise.

Ryan has a little chat with the top 4. Kris says he didn't expect to make it this far. Simon thinks humility is out. Adam loved the rock theme and the fact that he could sing Led Zeppelin. Plus he liked his outfit. Danny makes fun of the scream heard 'round the world in his performance last night. That's about the only way to deal with something like that. Allison talks about her backtalk to Simon last night, saying he was asking for it.

Then Miz Abdul herself takes the stage, dancing “I'm Just Here for the Music.” The song begins with her making her way down the stairs among a bevy of male dancers. I'm not sure why she needs both the Britney mic and the one on the stand, especially since she's lip-syncing anyway. Near the end she gets spun like a ZZ top guitar. Then the dancers play the role of adoring fans, asking her if she's returning next season. Her reply: “I'm just here for the music.” Miz Mysterious.

After the break we're immediately on to the next act, “I'm Just a Girl” by No Doubt. Gwen is definitely not lip-syncing. It's a very physical performance that even includes push-ups. She also forces the cameraman to chase her through the sway-pit, pushing unsuspecting bots out of the way. And how can you go wrong when there's a guy in a tutu in your band?

We see a clip of previous top-3 finishers going back to their hometowns for the parades in their honor. Three of tonight's Idols will get to do that too. Well, all four of them will, actually. But one will not retuuurrrrn. [insert creepy voice]

Finally, Ryan's going to start doling out results. He makes a point of telling us that finalists will be announced in random order tonight. He recaps the songs starting with Allison, then Danny, Adam, and Kris. The first one sent to safety is Kris Allen. YESSS! Isn't he just cute as a little ol' button?

Now we see a clip about Chris Daughtry and his Season 5 journey to a 4th-place finish. The band talks about their upcoming album “Leave This Town.” They perform “No Surprise” from that CD. His voice sounds a bit strained at times, but still, he's pretty awesome. Afterwards, this year's Kris presents them with a plaque commemorating the sale of five million albums.

The second one to be declared safe is ... Adam Lambert.

Please, please, please, let it be Allison next ... [insert sounds of shattering glass, splintering tables, feline and human wailing and howling]. It's Danny Gokey. Oh my gosh, Allison Iraheta is going home. They didn't save the rocker ...

So Allison Iraheta joins Tamyra Gray, Joshua Gracin, LaToya London, Anthony Fedorov, Chris Daughtry, LaKisha Jones, and Jason Castro from Seasons 1 through 7, respectively, as a 4th-place finisher.

SCORES

Bunny: 0/1
Wrong about Danny Gokey
(Bunny's Bomb: 0/1)

Burke: 0/1
Wrong about Danny Gokey
(Burke's Turkey: 0/1)

Prognosticats: 0/1
Wrong about Kris Allen
(Hairball: 0/1)

Bunny: Season 8 now boasts the first ever all-male top 3. See you next week. Hopefully we'll have recovered by then from this travesty of justice. We will take comfort in the fact that at least Kris made it. See you later!

Aired 5/5/09

Bunny: It seems the Idol stage is falling apart and the contestants didn't get a complete dress rehearsal. But the bigger news is that the Idols will be performing duets tonight for the first time. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea. I'm not a fan of the group singing during Hollywood week, and this seems like just a slight variation of that. We'll see how it goes.

Slash is guiding the contestants. At least the mentor fits the genre this week. He changes the venue for their mentoring sessions; it's at the Roxy with his band.

RATING SYSTEM

Litterbox Level

Paws-itively Purr-fect

Adam Lambert

“Whole Lotta Love'” by Led Zeppelin
Bunny: Adam is a two-trick pony. He is either 100 mph or 1 mph. He's either a triple fudge sundae or a lettuce leaf. Niagara Falls or a puddle in the driveway. (You decide which performances are which.) There's no in between. Not that I expected any in-between-ness on rock night. I'm just curious what it would be like if he ever tried 50 mph, a ham sandwich, or Lake Tahoe.

Burke: Don't even ask.

Allison Iraheta

“Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin
Bunny: She looks very much the part, but she doesn't have to try too hard because she is the part. The applause is not as enthusiastic as I think it should be and, in fact, Randy and Kara are not applauding at all. No doubt Paula is the only one. But I thought it was great. She doesn't seem nervous to me, and I think the song choice was much better than “Piece of My Heart,” which has been done to death. Wow, and she just said exactly the same thing after I wrote it!

Burke: I thought it was good. She can sing rock without screaming. This was probably better than the original. Janis wasn't actually that good of a singer.

Bunny: Next is the first duet. We'll give them an overall rating as well.

Kris Allen and Danny Gokey

“"Renegade" by Styx
Bunny: Danny doesn't look too happy sharing the stage. Their voices blend together quite well when they do harmony. At the end, it sounds like they're trying to outsing each other volume-wise. It wasn't bad, but I'm not blown away. Afterwards, Kris doesn't look too thrilled either. And he has to do his solo after he put his vocal cords through the ringer trying to be heard over Danny? Why are Adam and Allison not doing their duet next instead? Doesn't seem fair.

Burke: Tepid.

Kris Allen

“Come Together” by the Beatles
Bunny: This will be a challenge lyrically, as it was for Carly Smithson last year. He does a great job as far as I'm concerned, even though this isn't his comfort zone. After hearing the judges, I'm really peeved. The “screamer can do no wrong and anyone with less energy is subpar” mentality is incredibly annoying. The eight Gosselin children together have less energy than Adam, for crying out loud.

Burke: It was better than I expected.

Danny Gokey

“Dream On” by Aerosmith
Bunny: When he does the signature “Dream On” scream during the filmed segment with Slash, Big Z is startled. As are we. That did not sound good. She jumps again during the actual performance. Ow. That was ... rough.

Prognosticats: You're telling us!

Burke: Dumb song choice; I don't know what he was thinking. But he tried. It was all right.

Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert

“Slow Ride” by Foghat
Bunny: Yes, they're cute doing a duet together. And it's not too bad.

Burke: This was definitely better than the first duet, no doubt about it.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Ironic moment #1: Simon is incredulous that Danny's final note was “just this ... scream” and that he was “over the top.” I thought you loved over-the-top screaming, Simon. You said that no one would be able to top the screaming that went on during the first performance, Simon. Okay, I'll admit the first screamer was at least screaming in tune. But still! Come on! Double standard, much? Ironic moment #2: The one time Adam has to perform first, the last person doesn't even get the benefit of being last, because guess what? Adam's still last! Speaking of which, Bunny's Bomb is Adam Lambert, Danny Go-Go-Gokey is go-go-going home, and my favorite tonight was Allison Iraheta.

Burke: Burke's Turkey is Adam Lambert. Who will go home? Very tough call. I'll say Danny Gokey. Allison Iraheta was the best of the night.

Prognosticats: Tonight's hairball is Danny Gokey. But Kris Allen will get the fewest votes.

Bunny: See you tomorrow night for the results!

Aired 4/29/09

Bunny: All the usual introductory foofoo, the Ford music video is set to “Energy.” It's okay.

Group number is “It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing).” They're singing live again. They do a good job, but I'm reminded why I'm not a big jazz fan. No offense to jazz aficionados, but it's just hard to follow sometimes.

A film clip shows them making cakes for Danny's and Allison's birthdays. They trash the mansion, or at least the kitchen, with a batter/flour fight, particularly between the aforementioned contestants. What a mess. I wonder if the $6,000 bill Ryan presents to Danny from a maid service is the real charge or inflated for comic purposes. I would have cleaned the whole mansion for that.

Which contestant above will head home tonight? Up to judgment first is Matt Giraud. He is sent to stage right. Next is Danny Gokey, who is sent to the opposite side.

Where will Allison Iraheta go? The answer is next to Danny. Now for Kris Allen. He is put with Matt. So will Adam Lambert be asked to join one of the two groups?

Yes, he WILL be put on the spot. He doesn't want to choose, but he finally says that based on last night, he thinks he should be with Allison and Danny. Welllllll, people, he shouldn't. He is shockingly in the bottom 3 with Kris and Matt. Allison and Danny are agape, like everyone else.

After the break, Natalie Cole takes the stage with a song from her “Still Unforgettable” album, “Something's Gotta Give.” She's looking and sounding good, except for kind of a weird ending to the song. Anyway.

Another break, and then Taylor Hicks performs “Seven Mile Breakdown” with an electric guitar and his ever-present harmonica, which gets pitched into the bot pit when he's done with it. I wonder if the person it hit saw it coming. I like his haircut. The song is not my style, but he is energetic and seems happy.

The three guys are called back to center stage so one can be declared safe. It is Kris! Uh-oh, not only is Adam in the B3 for the first time, but he got (almost certainly) the second-lowest number of votes. I think if Adam went home at this point, it would be the biggest shock elimination in Idol history. (I mean, not in MY mind, but I'm pretty sure most people would call it that.) I'm sure Matt is already planning his return to Kalamazoo.

Now for another performance, this one from Jamie Foxx, Mr. Mentor Man, with his hit “Blame It.” I would have liked to hear HIM sing a Rat Pack standard, not this auto-tuned mess. C'mon! Number-one songs ain't what they used to be. He is very, very complimentary of the top 5 and wants America to “support these cats” after the show is over.

Prognosticats: Huh? Is there tuna?

Bunny: No, and quit shredding my leg. So who's it gonna be? Say goodbye, Matt. Not a whole lotta suspense there.

So Matt Giraud joins RJ Helton, Trenyce, George Huff, Scott Savol, Paris Bennett, Chris Richardson, and Brooke White from Seasons 1 through 7, respectively, as a 5th-place finisher.

SCORES

Bunny: 1/1
Right about Matt Giraud
(Bunny's Bomb: 1/1)

Burke: 1/1
Right about Matt Giraud
(Burke's Turkey: 0/1)

Prognosticats: 0/1
Wrong about Danny Gokey
(Hairball: 1/1)

Bunny: Next week the theme is rock. It will no doubt involve screaming AND guitars, not necessarily screaming guitars. Join us then!

Aired 4/28/09

Bunny: Tonight we hear standards from the Rat Pack era. No, young'uns, we won't need rodenticide. (Unless Simon gets out of hand.) The surprise mentor is Jamie Foxx.

RATING SYSTEM

Litterbox Level

Paws-itively Purr-fect

Kris Allen

“The Way You Look Tonight”
Bunny: Another great performance from Kris. He is the epitome of consistency. And he looks terrific in the suit.

Burke: It was good; I enjoyed it.

Allison Iraheta

“Someone To Watch Over Me”
Bunny: Her hair is still pink/red/burgundy, but it's styled quite nicely, and she has a pretty dress on, too. This is exactly the song she should be doing tonight. She sings with admirable control and feeling. The only nit I can pick about her is the "wh" sound she makes at the beginning of each line.

Burke: I thought it was good, not great. I liked her new cleaned-up look; she looks really nice. I liked the soft, smooth parts of the song, but not so much when she kicked it into rock mode again.

Matt Giraud

“My Funny Valentine”
Bunny: Surprisingly, he's not at the piano. It may be a good call because he needs to show he can sing a song straight without too much frippery. However, those first couple of verses are not exactly pitch perfect. I think his biggest problem is nerves. Nerves fueled by desperation to make it in this biz. And he just can't help throwing runs into that last note, which is what Jamie advised him not to do.

Burke: To me it seemed too low and too slow.

Danny Gokey

“Come Rain or Come Shine”
Bunny: High as a mounTIN, deep as a REEver—oh, excuse me. For the first two-thirds of the song, I'm thinking, hmmm, this is an improved Danny. He doesn't look so cocky, he seems young and innocent, he's showing some restraint ... and then bad-Danny shows up, beats up improved-Danny, and takes over the song. Sigh.

Burke: Probably was one of his best songs in weeks.

Adam Lambert

“Feeling Good”
Bunny: He hits all the notes. His vocal ability is not in question. And I believe he's truly a nice guy. But I'm sick of the sobs, sick of the protruding tongue, sick of the screams. And yet I will say that glory note was incredibly impressive.

Burke: Different week, same song.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Thought #1: I hereby declare that I am officially hoping for a Kris-Allison finale. Thought #2: Jamie Foxx is probably the best mentor they've had all season. Thoughts #3, #4, and #5: Bunny's Bomb is Matt Giraud, he is also the one going home, and my favorite tonight is Allison Iraheta.

Burke: Burke's Turkey is Adam Lambert. Matt Giraud will be voted off. Kris Allen was the best of the night.

Prognosticats: The hairball we hacked up tonight is Matt Giraud. But Danny Gokey is going home.

Bunny: See you tomorrow night for the results!

Aired 4/22/09

Bunny: We bid goodbye to two contestants tonight based on last night's voting. Will Matt prove that he was Save-worthy? Will Lil defy the predictions of ew.com's poll showing 70% expect her to be one of the dearly departed? And will there be chocolate cake?

Paula has choreographed the group number, “Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)” by the Jacksons. It's fun to watch her in her element once again. She puts them through their paces in the film clip; we'll see if they can make it convincing. Paula's on stage to introduce them tonight. The clipped on microphones don't fool us, you silly producers; it's obvious that the lip-synching is back. But in view of the demanding choreography, it's understandable. I might have to rewind this a few times. It does look like they're enjoying themselves and I enjoy the energy. So is Adam too cool for his sunglasses or did Danny steal them backstage for his collection of specs?

The Ford music video is set to Lykke Li's “I'm Good, I'm Gone.” Very cool song. The vid looks like an episode of “Dirty Jobs.”

So which two above will not be present for next week's group photo? Results time. Lil Rounds is up first, interestingly enough. Ryan brings her to the far side of the stage, and a few short moments later, she's out. Just like that. It's certainly a refreshing change. Wouldn't it be lovely if it were to continue? Of course, we know it will be approximately 40 minutes before we find out who else will be needing a plane ticket. Time for Lil's final performance and the obligatory “you're going places” pep talk from the judges.

After the break, it's time for Freda Payne with her hit “Band of Gold.” She then steps aside for Thelma Houston, who sings “Don't Leave Me This Way.” The demographic that the audience falls into means they recognize neither. Do they sing as well as they did in their heyday? No, but it's okay. The latter is a favorite on my workout playlist. Hey! It's KC! Of “and the Sunshine Band” fame! Yes, he's aging, balding, and cuts a ... shall we say ... substantial figure. But who cares. Hearing him sing “Get Down Tonight” brings the '70s right into my living room. I can almost feel the shag rug between my toes and hear the static of the AM radio. Yes, kiddies, it was a brutal era. “Name That Tune” was our American Idol.

Now back to bottom-three building, but not with Kris Allen; he is informed that he is a top-fiver. He! Could! Go! All! The! Way!

How about Adam Lambert? Go get a snack, we all know he's in. Danny “Looking More Like Robert Downey Jr. Every Day” Gokey is next. More snacks, more safety, yeah, yeah.

Stand up, Anoop Desai. Now go sit down in your designated stool. Well, at least he seems a little cheerier this week. Maybe he's found some peace with the fact that he's leaving soon, probably tonight.

So is Allison Iraheta or Matt Giraud joining him? The answer to the burning question is ... yes, Matt was apparently save-worthy. Allison joins Anoop.

David Archuleta is on hand (known as Gaspy 'round here) to sing “Touch Your Hand.” He looks and sounds pretty much the same, but with a little more swagger and confidence. Ooh, nice falsetto there. I could actually be persuaded to download this. He might need a little oxygen now, though. Uh, can we get a medic here?

Without further ado, we find out that the second person going home tonight is Anoop Desai. He does an excellent job singing himself out. The last note was still wonky, but way to go anyway, Anoop. He and Lil share the funeral clip, and then there is much hugging and thanking and waving.

So Lil Rounds joins Ryan Starr, Kimberly Caldwell, Jennifer Hudson, Anwar Robinson, Ace Young, Sanjaya Malakar, and Kristy Lee Cook from Seasons 1 through 7, respectively, as a 7th-place finisher.

And Anoop Desai joins Christina Christian, Carmen Rasmusen, John Stevens, Constantine Maroulis, Kellie Pickler, Phil Stacey, and Carly Smithson from Seasons 1 through 7, respectively, as a 6th-place finisher.

SCORES

Bunny: 1/2
Right about Lil Rounds
Wrong about Allison Iraheta
(Bunny's Bomb: 1/1)

Burke: 2/2
Right about Lil Rounds
Right about Anoop Desai
(Burke's Turkey: 1/1)

Prognosticats: 0/2
Wrong about Matt Giraud
Wrong about Kris Allen
(Hairball: 0/1)

Bunny: Next week, same time, same place!

Aired 4/21/09

Bunny: Well, it's disco night. I have to admit, I don't have high hopes. The disco theme has historically been problematic for Idol contestants. However, they could surprise us.

They don't have an introductory film clip this week, and there's no mentor. I don't know if that is a time-saving move (which is desperately needed this year for some reason) or part of the plan all along. But hopefully they'll finish in an hour tonight. So, with optimism that is a tad bit forced, let's get into the performances.

RATING SYSTEM

Litterbox Level

Paws-itively Purr-fect

Lil Rounds

“I'm Every Woman” by Chaka Khan
Bunny: Lil, Lil, Lil. What can I say without sounding like Meanie McMeanerson? This is just more of the same pitchy karaoke that keeps landing her a step or two from elimination. What did the guy in the audience yell while she was responding to Ryan's question? I missed it, but not her reaction. Anyway—Lil! My dear girl! If everyone keeps saying your performances are karaoke-level, there MUST BE SOME TRUTH in it! I fear she is just as deluded as some of the bad auditioners from the beginning of every season, although obviously at a higher talent level.

Burke: It was a rousing start, more energy than she's shown in previous weeks. Probably one of HER best, but I don't think it's enough to save her. But at least she had fun...and changed a couple of notes...

Kris Allen

“She Works Hard for the Money” by Donna Summer
Bunny: Okaaayyyy...will this be another “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”? Well, he's definitely smart not to try singing in a disco style, since it clearly could be an awkward theme for someone like him. In the end, it's much better than I expected after hearing the song choice. He is consistently excellent with only a couple minor missteps over the course of this competition.

Burke: He's using a guitar for disco night???? Verrrry interrresting. A Donna Summer song, a guitar, and bongos. But it works! Kind of reminded me of Jason Castro. I didn't foresee liking it. But I did.

Danny Gokey

“September” by Earth, Wind and Fire
Bunny: He's keeping the obnoxious dancing to a minimum, thank goodness. It's actually one of his better performances in my opinion, but that doesn't mean I'm over the moon. It's not bad. Just not good enough for the final.

Burke: Typical Danny—good but not great; solid, but not spectacular. He kind of looked like George Michael to me from certain angles.

Allison Iraheta

“Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer
Bunny: I like Allison, but this is the second week in a row that I haven't loved her performance. Like last week, it becomes too frenzied about halfway through and remains at that super-caffeinated level for the rest of the song.

Burke: She looks like an intergalactic waitress in a cat suit. I wasn't digging the slow parts. But it was okay.

Zinni: Someone's wearing a cat suit? Who would dare do such a...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adam Lambert

“If I Can't Have You” by the Bee Gees and Yvonne Elliman
Bunny: Adam bathed in a blue spotlight is becoming a very familiar sight; every other week he breaks out the tender and his voice is a weeping violin, although he manages to throw one scream in the mix. I have to say I don't think the slower arrangement worked as well for that song as it did for “Mad World,” but the black suit is sharp. “Pool of Abdul”—good line, Ry.

Burke: Pros: Less screaming. Cons: Dude looked like he was going to cry, sounds like a woman, is faky.

Matt Giraud

“Stayin' Alive” by the Bee Gees
Bunny: He hits his stride about halfway through, and from that point on I quite enjoy it. In true Bee Gees style, his falsetto is used heavily and is on point. May I say Paula is surprisingly lucid tonight, despite Simon's claims to not understand her.

Burke: Not worth saving him for that performance. It was as much karaoke as Lil's to me.

Anoop Desai

“Dim All the Lights” by Donna Summer
Bunny: Predictable: That many of the song choices would be from Diva Donna. Not so predictable: Who's performing them. Will the anchor slot keep 'Noop out of the bottom three for once? I kind of hope so, just so the poor guy can have one more week on the safety couch after his B3 streak before he goes home. I'm very happy to see that he has finally dressed the part tonight, although apparently someone snuck into the Idol mansion and destroyed all the razors. Anyway, the performance is pretty decent except for the last line. Fortunately for him, the dress rehearsal clip is what's shown at the very end of the show.

Burke: I see he's trying to cover his sweaty lip. His eyebrows looked faky tonight; even Ryan mentioned them. I don't really have much else to say—didn't really enjoy it that much. I predict bottom three again.

PREDICTIONS

Bunny: Bunny's Bomb tonight is Lil. I honestly feel really bad that she just isn't getting it! I think Lil Rounds and Allison Iraheta will go home, leaving us with an all-male top 5, which would be truly historic, because there's never even been an all-male top 3. Best of the night: Kris Allen. I absolutely love it when contestants come out of nowhere, with essentially no camera time until the top 12 (or 13), and then week by week, climb the ranks until their status as a true contender is cemented. Love it!

Burke: That wasn't a bad show. I liked it way more than last week. Burke's Turkey is Anoop Desai. I believe Anoop Desai and Lil Rounds will get voted off. And Kris Allen was at the top of the heap tonight.

Prognosticats: Hairball performance is *hork*Adam Lambert*hork*. Ah, that feels much better. But Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are going home.

Bunny: See you tomorrow night for the results!