Incompetent Me

Really? They Said What??

2012-01-21T00:55:00.001-07:00

More to come on updates regarding my newest little guy, but for today I wanted to highlight something that was recently brought to my attention by some of my readers -- insensitive comments regarding women who have suffered an incompetent cervix and delivered a baby early. I felt like it was important to give my fellow IC sufferers a voice. So here goes...

The absolute worst thing you can say to a woman has suffered an incompetent cervix (IC) and has lost a baby or has delivered a child months before his or her due date is comments that seemingly point blame at the mom for delivering her baby early. Comments that start with “you probably shouldn’t have done this or that…” or “I’m sure it didn’t help that…” or my personal favorite “your not planning to try again are you?” are not helpful in any way, shape, or form. I don’t care how well-intentioned your comments might be, it is something that cuts deep to the core and hurts more than you could ever imagine.

Unless you are that person's doctor, have lived in that person’s shoes and have lived through the deep- searing emotional pain of delivering your baby too early, you have no business surmising what that person should or shouldn’t have done to have prevented an early birth or commenting on why they probably shouldn’t try again to get pregnant.

First of all, IC happens silently, meaning a woman generally has no idea that her cervix is rapidly opening threatening to let her baby literally drop out until it is too late. You don't feel pain and you generally do not go into labor. You simply don't feel your cervix opening. This is hard to understand for those that have never experienced it. Second, IC is NOT caused because a woman did something to make it happen. A woman who has an incompetent cervix has IC because the cervix (a muscle) is weak and is not able to carry the weight of a growing baby. Third, doctors do not generally check for IC unless prior pregnancy losses have presented a reason to diagnose it and therefore giving a reason to check for it in subsequent pregnancies. So that means unless prior pregnancies have led to a diagnosis of IC she will go about life enjoying what she thinks is a normal pregnancy, doing normal things to prepare for birth like decorating a nursery, working out, working a job, etc. and her cervix could be opening silently and surprising even her doctor with an early birth.

To those of you reading this who have never had an incompetent cervix and have delivered your children to term avoiding a stay in the NICU I say this, be thankful that you have never lost a child because of IC or have had to helplessly watch as your baby is cut from your body during a c-section and whisked away to a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) hooked to many wires and tubes fighting for life unable to be held by anyone because their tiny body is too weak. Making comments surmising why it happened or what the mom might have done to "cause" IC, regardless of your intention, is not helpful at any point in time.

I like to think that I have healed from the emotional wounds of delivering my youngest daughter at 24 weeks due to my weak cervix, but in reality every time someone close to me makes an insensitive comment regarding their theory behind why my cervix opened too soon and why my youngest daughter was born so early I am forced to relive every single moment of my daughter’s terrifying early birth and every moment of every day of her 3 months in the neonatal intensive care unit. I may smile at you and try nicely to explain why your theory is incorrect, but I am secretly feeling attacked. I wish that I could have been one of the lucky ones to have given birth to her at term and trust me, if it had been in my power to have never had an incompetent cervix I never would have gone the route my body chose to take. Trust me when I say, if I could have gotten my child to full term I would have done everything in my power to make that happen. I wanted more than anything to have delivered her at term and I never in a million years thought I would have delivered her so early on that horrible day over 3 1/2 years ago.

I would NEVER have wished the fate of what my baby girl has had to go through just to be in this world. I had no power over what happened. I did everything right in my pregnancy; it was my body that failed. Not even my doctor could have predicted IC especially since the birth of my oldest daughter presented no signs whatsoever that I had a weak cervix.

So here is my question for my fellow community of IC sufferers, what silly things have people said to you regarding your incompetent cervix or early birth that made your jaw drop? And after they made the comment, how did you respond?

GUEST POST: Trisha's Story

2011-10-20T01:00:00.001-06:00

In my post last week, I mentioned that I would be publishing a Guest Post from one of my readers who delivered her first child at 26 weeks. Please meet Trisha. After surviving the harrowing experience of the NICU, she and her husband debated on whether or not to have another child. She has decided to share her story in the hopes that it will help someone who may be thinking of becoming pregnant again after delivering a pre-term baby. Read her inspirational story below and feel free to leave comments for her.

GUEST POST: Trisha's Story

Horrible, terrifying, agonizing and helpless....not quite the words most women use to describe the birth of their first child. But for me, those words are spot on. I can't describe it any other way. I remember the doctors telling me that if my son did live, he'd have about a 70% chance of survival, could be born blind, deaf and with cerebral palsy. You see, I was in labor at just 26 weeks with my first child, a baby boy. I knew it was early, way too early for a baby to be born. He arrived 14 weeks early on a Wednesday morning. He was not born crying and they did not lay him on my chest when he was born. Clinging to life, he weighed just 2 lbs, 5 oz. I didn't even get the chance to meet him until hours later.

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A Rupture In Time

2011-10-14T01:02:00.001-06:00

I know it has been an uncharacteristically long pause between posts and everyone is probably wondering how Triston is doing and what happened with his birth. There are a number of reasons for my delayed post, but the main one would have to be procrastination. I am still healing, adjusting to my little guy’s arrival (he’s up alllll night long and eats a lot!), and trying to figure out what happened with my body leading up to Triston’s birth. I have to say that although I knew what to expect with my c-section this time around, nothing could have prepared me for what the doctor had to go through to ensure my baby boy was delivered safely. I am still waiting for my post-partum appointment to discuss my myriad of questions, but I think I may have come to terms that my pregnancy with Triston will likely be my last one. However, our journey has only just begun.

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Triston McKinley Makes His Debut 9-8-11

2011-09-14T23:50:00.001-06:00

Hello Friends!
I am sorry for the long pause between posts. The doctor decided to move forward with my c-section last week because my contractions would not stop, I was dilated 2cm, and despite being on high doses of Procardia my blood pressure and heart rate went to a dangerous level. More on the c-section itself in a separate post. Today I want to introduce my new little love. My handsome baby boy decided last week on Thursday, September 8, 2011 that he was ready to make an entrance into this world. He was born at 6:10 pm and weighed 5lbs, 5 oz and was 19" long. A great size for a 34 weeker! (Well actually he was almost 35 weeks at 34 and 6 days).
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34 Weeks 4 days - You're Doing What???

2011-09-06T23:56:00.000-06:00

Before I start today's post, I would like to give a big thank you to my reader, Debbie, for her guest post this week. If you missed her post and did not have a chance to read it yet, please go to the blog archive and click on the posts for September. Her story is incredibly touching and for those of you who have also experienced infertilty, IVF, or incompetent cervix you will definitely want to read her guest post! Thank you again Debbie for sharing your story with us! Please keep us posted on your current pregnancy. You are in our thoughts!

I am 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant as of today, Tuesday. I had my scheduled OB appointment and learned some interesting news that frankly didn't surprise me. My ultrasound showed that my cervix is now at 1.5cm in length and to make matters worse it also showed that my baby has dropped further and his head is now fully pressing on my cervix. So much so that my doctor decided he needed to an actual exam to make sure that what he saw on the ultrasound was not causing my cervix to open. His findings? He could feel the baby's head and decided that my cerclage had to come out immediately, 2.5 weeks early! This was a surprise. He was adamant last week that the cerclage was not coming out until 37 weeks. Despite the fact that my contractions have slowed somewhat, I knew something was different today based on the pressure I was feeling in my cervix...
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GUEST POST - Debbie's Story

2011-09-05T09:32:00.000-06:00

First, I would like to let everyone know that I am in a holding pattern. I have had some contractions this morning, but nothing that alerts me to go back to the hospital. I think they might just be uterine irritability... both contractions and uterine irritability hurt, so it's hard to tell which one is which. I am focusing on making it to my OB appointment on Tuesday where I will have an ultrasound and be monitored for contractions. At that appointment, I am planning to ask for corticosteroids to help the baby's lungs. I will keep everyone posted if I have to return to the hospital. In the meantime, this week I would like to introduce a touching journey from one of my readers who also suffers from an incompetent cervix.

Her name is Debbie and she and her husband have had to endure a great deal to grow their family. Her story demonstrates true courage and determination. She is currently pregnant, on bedrest due to complications, and because she has faced the trauma of the NICU she bravely faces each day and each week with her current pregnancy with the uncertainty of what the day will bring. Please read her inspirational story below, in her own words, and feel free to leave comments and encouraging words. Thank you Debbie for sharing your beautiful story with us. I know there will be many readers who will relate to your journey.
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Friday Yielded Another Long Night... Pre-term Labor Not Funny On Labor Day Weekend!

2011-09-03T19:51:00.001-06:00

Today I am 34 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Last night, as I lay in a room in the triage section of labor and delivery for the second time this week I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen next. Would the contractions stop? Why was I having contractions in the first place? Would I get to go home? Would they put me on more medication to try to slow things down? I could still feel extreme pressure on my cervix and pelvic bone. Feeling extremely nervous, I couldn't get comfortable no matter which way I tried to lay down on the bed and this time with an IV hooked to my arm delivering fluids, I focused on the machine marking my contractions and recording my baby boy's movements. His movements had slowed earlier in the day, but now seemed irritated by the monitors and straps attached to my belly and he kicked them every now and then. I found this comforting and a good sign that perhaps he was not going anywhere and just wanted me to take him home so we could rest.
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What a night! Is this baby just determined to be born now?

2011-09-01T22:23:00.000-06:00

Last night was quite a night. I spent my entire evening in labor and delivery. Not exactly what I had planned for my evening...

On Wednesday morning I woke feeling as if I had the stomach flu. I was nauseous all morning, my stomach hurt, and I just didn't feel quite right. I honestly thought if I took a couple of extra strength Tylenol I would start feeling better, but by 10 am I realized that I better call my hubby to come home and take the girls to school so I could go rest. Luckily my hubby was able to get home in time to get the girls to school and I spent a few hours trying to "sleep off" whatever was going on.

However, by about 1:30 still feeling nauseous I began to realize that my stomach was hurting because I was probably having contractions, although they didn't seem very strong and I was still questioning whether I just needed to go to the bathroom. I tried to drink lots of water and lay on my side, but by 4:00 pm at both the urging of my hubby and my sister, I called the doctor. I was told to immediately get myself to labor and delivery.

Once at the hospital I learned that not only was I having contractions, but they were 2 - 3 minutes apart! At this point, I could feel my stomach go hard, but I felt mildly uncomfortable. The nurse had me give a urine sample to determine if I had a UTI, and then did an exam to see if my cerclage was still in place. Because I have only had ultrasounds to determine cervical length and check on the cerclage since the cerclage was put in place, you can imagine my fear at having an actual exam with a speculum in place. She tried to be gentle, but it hurt and she had to do a swab to check for a yeast infection as well as a swab to do a fetal fibronectin (Ffn) test to determine if I was in pre-term labor. This is an interesting test as a positive result can actually be a "false positive". Part of my wondered why we were bothering since I had all of the symptoms of preterm labor, but apparently it is something standard that they do between 24-34 weeks if you begin having contractions like I was having. To read more about the test please visit the March of Dimes site: Fetal Fibronectin Test

After the exam, which determined my cerclage was still in place I had to wait for an hour on the results of the Ffn test. My contractions were not slowing and I was now feeling uncomfortable from the exam. The doctor immediately ordered a Terbutaline injection in an effort to get things slowed down. What a terrible drug with horrible side effects. Its primary use is for treating asthma and emphysema, but can used in pre-term labor to relax the muscles in the uterus helping to delay preterm labor. To read more about the medication please visit the following site: Terbulatine and Preterm Labor.

After the first injection, I felt delirious as if my eyes were going to bulge out of my head. I felt very woozy and drunk. It did nothing to slow my contractions. In fact, they began to come on very strong and very hard and I did my best not to panic. My sister Candace was with me and she did her best to keep me talking and help me not think about everything. The doctor came in to tell me that if the Ffn test came back positive they were keeping me overnight for observation even if my contractions slowed. He said that if it came back negative for preterm labor they would probably send me home if they could get the contractions under control. I silently said a prayer and hoped the contractions would stop and that the test would be negative.

I was given another shot of Terbutaline and again it did nothing. By now, I was in a lot of back pain, the contractions were now 2 minutes apart averaging 60 seconds, and based on the baby's movements he seemed to be experiencing all of the same side effects I was having from the med. Then his movements slowed and I began to panic some more when I felt him pushing on my pelvic bone. The nurses were getting ready to do a shift change at this point and my original nurse came in to alert me that the terbutaline was "not working!" Really? Because I wasn't sure... She told me they were calling the doctor to find out next steps.

Now a few hours into my visit to labor and delivery, and having had two injections of Terbulatine that did nothing for my contractions, the doctor ordered four doses of 10mg Procardia tablets to be given orally every 15 minutes. (This is what I was given when I went in around my 20th week when I started having contractions early on.) The Procardia I take at home is also a tablet, but it is extended release and does not deliver the medication to my system all at once. The nurse came in to tell me my Ffn was negative. Hallelujah!!! However, I was still having contractions and they were very painful. Was the test really a good indicator? After all, I was now in a lot of pain.

After the first two doses of Procardia, I began to feel the all too familiar "Procardia headache" to add to my already drunk feeling from the other injections and my contractions were still coming on hard. So the nurse came in and moved me from my back to my side. After a few minutes I did start to feel some relief, although was still having contractions and was seriously wondering if tonight was going to be the night to deliver my baby boy. I realized at this point I better alert my hubby, who was at home trying to get our girls fed dinner and get them to bed. My oldest was having a panic attack because it was bringing back memories of when mommy went into the hospital with her sister to be "routinely checked" and didn't return for 16 days! It was all I could do to comfort her and to help her understand that everything was going to be ok. I so wanted to give her a hug, but she finally calmed down and daddy was able to get her interested in a Tinkerbell movie.

After the fourth dose, the nurse had me reposition so I was now once again laying on my back. I had a few more strong contractions, but she said that I was now showing mostly uterine irritability. Contractions last more than 40 seconds, whereas uterine irritability last less than 40 seconds. The doctor decided that if I felt like my contractions were not as intense and I felt comfortable, I could go ahead and go home with the understanding that I needed to call if anything changed and I needed to strictly rest. I decided that I just wanted to go home and be in my own bed.

Last night I didn't sleep as I did have some very strong contractions off and on through the night, however this morning finally felt some relief from contractions. I've just felt very worn out most of the day and the baby seems as if has been worn out too. Thankfully my hubby was able to take today off from work so he could care for the girls and get them to school, but I worry that he now won't get as much time off when the baby is born. The baby has been moving today, but his sleep/wake schedule seems all off compared to when he normally kicks me and moves around. This afternoon, I did start to have some very strong contractions again, but they seem to have slowed down tonight. I hope that he can hold out for a few more weeks, but I just have a weird feeling his birth is coming soon. I really, really hope I am wrong as I want him to have the advantage of growing for a little longer.

If anything else happens, I will keep everyone posted... I am hoping this weekend will be a calm and relaxing Labor Day weekend with no actual labor!!!!!!!!

Week 33 - Wondering if I will make it to 34...

2011-08-31T00:20:00.006-06:00

What a week! After my OB appointment this week I couldn’t help but feel giddy, scared, and apprehensive all at once.

The appointment itself went very well and I learned that my cervix is holding at 3.5cm. I was very happy to hear that because the baby has been really pushing on my cervix this week and part of me has been a bit concerned. In fact, I have been feeling as if he has dropped in an effort to ready himself for birth. Also, because I am not a good judge of whether or not I am having an actual contraction or if I suddenly need to go to the bathroom, I have been a bit paranoid. In fact, every time I have had to go to the bathroom this week I have questioned whether or not I really have to go to the bathroom or if my baby was going to be born soon. Sounds crazy, but as I have found with so many of my fellow incompetent cervix sufferers it is one of those things that is constantly on your mind during your pregnancy even when the doctor tells you everything looks great. Having read a lot of information on line about c-sections with a vertical incision, I began to realize that going into labor could be very risky. My mind began to wander worrying that if I suddenly went into labor and couldn’t get to the hospital in time would I rupture my uterus?

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Week 32! Woot Woot!

2011-08-22T22:54:00.003-06:00

Before I begin my blog post for this week I would like to once again take a moment to thank my reader, Angela, for her guest post last week. Her touching story is truly an inspiration and a reminder of just how fragile life is and of the importance of each moment and each day. Thank you to everyone for your comments on the blog showing her your support. Like me, I know many of you can relate to her fears with her current pregnancy. Angela, we will all be thinking of you as your pregnancy progresses and hope to see pictures when Charlotte Rose is born.

When I first created this blog, it was to share my experience with my current pregnancy and hopefully help provide information and encouragement for other women who have also suffered an incompetent cervix and are thinking about having more children. However, what I have found in the process is that my readers have given me a gift. I have learned so much from each of your personal journeys and for that I am incredibly grateful. So thank you for that!

Today, I am 32 weeks and 3 days. Every week that passes is truly a celebration and a reminder of how far I have come. This weekend my husband and I were talking about what things we still need for the baby and I said “well we still have some time...” Then we suddenly looked at one another as if a lightning bolt just barely missed us. Even if I go full term, we only have 8 weeks! 8 weeks! Suddenly panic mode set in as we don’t really have anything ready. I am excited and incredibly happy that this is what we are now worrying about!

And here is the really good news… At my ultrasound check last week in week 31, my cervix was at 3.5cm in length, my amniotic fluid is perfect, the baby looks great, and my OB said that he now feels very good that I will make it to term, (past 37 weeks and beyond). In his words I am “golden.” I am still to continue taking it easy, of course as much as you can “take it easy” with a rambunctious 3 year old and a precocious 5 year old. Since we are not scheduling the c-section and are waiting to see how far my body will go, everyone is betting on when the baby will come. Unfortunately, I will have to have a c-section due to the type of incision that was made in my uterus with Kenzie’s birth.

If all goes as the doctor plans, he is going to remove the cerclage stitches very close to the beginning of week 38, which happens to be the day before my hubby's birthday. The doctor doesn’t want to leave the stitches in any longer than that as it could be risky if I do go into hard labor as I could risk a cervical tear. Some medical articles and journals I have read online state that it is possible I will go into labor within the week following stitch removal. On the other hand, several women I have corresponded with have said that they went well into the 40^th week So not sure when I will actually deliver my baby boy, but feeling ecstatic that I am closing in on week 33 and our worries have changed from viability to bets on delivery dates!

The baby has not been as active during the day in the last couple of weeks as I think he is sleeping more. He chooses to start moving around in the evening just as I get comfortable and ready to fall asleep. There are no longer any comfortable sleeping positions, despite the wonderful body pillow my mom got for me. I thought his kicks were powerful early on, but I had no idea how much more ummmpff he could pack in each kick and each punch. Some new symptoms I am experiencing this week include sudden extreme exhaustion when just a few short weeks ago I felt so much energy I didn’t know what to do. This could be attributed to lack of sleep both from being uncomfortable now when I sleep as well as the fact that my youngest daughter, Kenzie, is still experiencing some extreme sleep disturbance. I’m still having issues with constipation when this has never been an issue for me before, but still following my OB's advice to take Milk of Magnesia everyday. I also have an incredibly itchy abdomen that no amount of lotion seems to help. My belly is protruding quite far now and I wonder how my skin can possibly stretch any further. I’m also finding that I am constantly pulling my muscles in my lower abdomen like I did very early on in my pregnancy. I was looking back at pictures of myself when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, Makaila, who just turned 5, and although I had a nice sized basketball sticking out with her at week 31, I think I am bigger this time around. I questioned the doctor on how big he estimates the baby to be at this point since my stomach seems so large. He said that it also has to do with having babies previously as your muscles naturally become stretched out.

At my next cervical check ultrasound in week 33, the tech will measure the baby to make sure we are on target. Since Makaila was born small for gestational age at 37 weeks weighing 5 pounds 7 ounces (she had minimal growth between weeks 33 and 37) and Kenzie was so early, I just worry and want to make sure that my baby boy is growing appropriately. The doctor said he doesn’t feel I have anything to worry about, but added growth check to the ultrasound for next week. I will be sure to share what we find out as I know several family members are curious since no matter where I go my belly seems to get there first before I do. I honestly can't figure out how he could possibly have any more room to grow.

My girls had their combined birthday party the weekend before last. Since their birthdays are only two days apart, it works out for now to combine their party. Makaila turned 5 and Kenzie turned 3. They both wanted Barbie cakes and the ones we found in the store came with only a torso and fed only 2-4 people. So I did a ton of research on cake and pastry sites, spoke with cake decorators and friends, learned how to make marshmallow fondant and buttercream frosting, and created my very first Barbie cakes. My hubby was very helpful and made one of the batches of the buttercream frosting and I have to say his turned out much better than my batch. Yes, I know… it sounds extreme, but I’m sure by now it is obvious that when I get my mind set on something I do my best to make it happen. I wanted this birthday to be a special memory for the girls.

My first attempt at making Barbie cakes for my girls combined birthday party! They each picked out Barbies dress color.

Kenzie thought the cake was pretty cool and loved blowing out the candles.

Makaila asked to open presents first and then cut the cake last because she wanted to
preserve them for as long as possible. Awwww....

For those that are worried I spent too much time on my feet, I actually had a chair that I sat on in the kitchen to do the majority of the baking and creative part. Although I must admit I did have to stand to work with the fondant especially when I placed it on the cakes – it’s quite an intensive process – but I was ok and didn’t feel any pressure in my cervix. I am so proud of myself for learning how to make the cakes and the girls were so pleased with the cakes and their new barbies inside of the cakes. It was all so very worth it and frankly, I had a lot of fun. I’ve always wanted to learn how to use fondant.

I will keep everyone posted if anything new comes up this week and will be sure to post the news from my next cervical check next week. So far so good and we couldn't be more pleased! If any of my readers are interested in sharing their experiences with incompetent cervix, prematurity, and subsequent pregnancies in a guest blog post, please send me an email to: incompetentmeblog@gmail.com

GUEST POST: Angela's Story

2011-08-17T11:20:00.002-06:00

Last week, I promised that I would start hosting a guest post each week from a reader who has also suffered an incompetent cervix and everything that comes with it. This week, I would like to introduce you to a woman that I met on this blog. Her name is Angela, and our stories are strikingly similar even down the names of our oldest children, but she and her husband had to endure a decision that no parent should ever have to make. Her story touched my heart and spoke to my soul. She is currently pregnant as well and, like me, has faced many of the same fears. Please feel free to place your comments at the end of this blog to give her encouragement as she too holds her breath as she makes it through each day, and each week with her current pregnancy. Thank you Angela for taking the time to share your inspiring story with us. Without further ado, here is her story in her own words.

Angela’s Journey

My name is Angela and I am a military wife and mother of two, currently pregnant with my third. I also have a very mild case of Cerebral Palsy. My first child Michaela was born completely healthy at 37 weeks in 2009, a couple months later we found out we were pregnant again. Things were going great. My husband was getting ready to change duty stations and we were preparing to go Spain for 3 years. Things were so hectic that I missed what would have been my last OB appointment in the country, but honestly I thought nothing of it. Four days before we were scheduled to ship out I was 24 weeks pregnant and felt cramping so I called L&D and was told to take it easy and drink some water. I did and kept having a feeling that I needed to use the bathroom -- so I sat there pushing.

After a while I felt something down there. I honestly thought it was her head and I was giving birth on the toilet like something out of "I didn’t know I was pregnant". I started to freak out, got my daughter ready who was 9 months old at the time at called my husband. He rushed us to the nearest hospital and I went straight to L&D only to have the nurses’ laugh at me and tell me that it wasn’t her head and that if I needed to use the bathroom to just use it. I asked one of the nurses to stay with me while I did just in case something happened she said yes and then after I was on the toilet, walked away. I started demanding they call my doctor. Finally after they did that, one of the nurses checked my cervix and the doctor was brought in. I was 10 centimeters dilated and it wasn’t her head I was feeling but my bag of water!

Things happened so quickly after that it was quite a blur, I was sent to an emergency c-section an hour later. Molly Marie was born at 1lb 10oz. I didn’t even hear her cry. I had never heard of a baby being born that early. I wasn’t aware of the roller coaster we had just boarded. A part of me thought that I would even leave the hospital with my baby. I was introduced to Molly’s doctor. I was given a rundown of what would happen. I was in such a daze, everything had happened so fast. All I knew is that Molly was here and I needed to see her. I don’t remember how long I had to wait, feels like years, but a couple hours later I saw her. She was so beautiful… I couldn’t believe how much she looked like her older sister.

Molly - Born at 24 weeks and 5 days Weight: 1lb 10 oz.

A few days later I remember my husband and I took turns waiting with Michaela in the waiting room so we could each go in to see Molly. I remember how anxious I was to see her open her little eyes. The doctor asked me to come into the nursing room with him and he told me how she was doing. He told me she had two grade 4 brain bleeds and the complications that caused. I remember feeling of total shock, like I was hit by a truck. He told me that she would need to be transferred to the closest children’s hospital and have a shunt placed.

On Father’s Day 2010 my husband was airlifted to LACH with Molly. Now instead of her being 20 minutes away, she was 1hr 20 minutes away. With only one car and our financial situation we couldn’t go and visit her everyday like we were doing before. I started to call…a lot. I got extremely upset one day when I asked a nurse for an update and she told me that "Molly was very sick". I felt like screaming "Well yes, I know she was born 16 freaking weeks early, WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN???" She had the shunt placed in and was battling 4 infections. I was pumping at the time and was so proud of my supply. So happy that I could do at least this for her. After so many discouraging phone calls, I stopped pumping. I couldn’t bare look at all that milk.

We visited her at that hospital a couple of times and even stayed at the Ronald McDonald house 4th of July weekend because it was a long weekend. It was at this visit that her doctors told us we should think about Care and Comfort. I remember staying up hours talking about what the doctors told us while our daughter, Michaela, slept in the portacrib next to us. We wouldn’t make a decision then... a couple weeks went by and we kept talking about it. I reached out to so many moms of preemies and talked to anyone that would listen. I had a conversation with my OB about it and I was so grateful for him and his knowledge. We went back to the hospital, talked to all of her doctors again, saw scans and most importantly saw her face. She looked so tired. We decided then to let her be with God.

She passed away in my arms ten minutes after they took her off the vent. Wow -- its been a year and some odd months and it still hurts to see that sentence…

I Googled everything I could and researched my little heart out. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to have any more children. We waited sometime before talking about it and even more time before talking to my OB and he gave us the go ahead to start trying again. He told me that I would be seen by him and a perinatalogist and told me that he would like to have a cerclage placed in at around 13 weeks and possibly be given P17 shots. Having a plan of action helped me, calmed me.

In March of 2011 we got pregnant again. I was such a ball of nerves. At 14 weeks I had the cerclage stitches put in place and at 17 weeks started seeing my perinatologist and getting my P17 shot, which my husband gives me every Friday. I am on modified bedrest, which means I cannot pick up my oldest daughter Michaela and should be off my feet as much as humanly possible with a toddler and a dachshund!

I am extremely happy to say that today I am 25 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my cervix is 3.8 and my stitch looks GREAT. They estimate her current weight at 1lb10oz, same as my Molly girl when she was born. Her name will be Charlotte Rose. Every day that passes is a milestone, Every kick reassurance, Every bowel movement terrifying.

Written by: Angela

Thank you again Angela for sharing your journey with us. I know how hard it was to share your experience with incompetent cervix and the loss of your beautiful daughter, Molly. She was an incredibly beautiful little angel. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you make it through each week with your current pregnancy. Blessings to you.

I've made it to week 31!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-12T15:15:00.012-06:00

Today I am 31 weeks! 31 weeks! Can you believe it? I feel as if I have lived a lifetime in that 31 weeks.

As I sit and write this I can’t help but think of everything that has happened thus far with my pregnancy – the emotions and elation when we first discovered I was pregnant, the mixed reactions from those close to us when they first found out I was pregnant, cursing my body when my damn cervix began funneling in week 17 and then when my cervix shortened in week 20, the happiness when I realized that the cervix is a muscle and can lengthen (which it did), the late nights silently worrying to myself about whether or not I would get past 24 weeks, the relief I felt as those close to us began to relax a bit and enjoy the fact that a new little one was on the way, and the celebration for every week that we made it through.

It's all been worth it.

I know that I still have a ways to go to get him to term, but I also know that if something were to happen at this point his lungs and overall development would be so much further than where my daughter was at 24 weeks. Of course, I fully expect and believe that I will get him well past the point where there will be no question about his viability.

Last week at 29 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I went in for my regular cervical check and was happy to discover that my cervix measured at 3.6 cm in length. Yay! My ultrasound tech said that she feels confident I will get to 38 weeks. I realize she can’t really predict these things, but I have to say that her confidence makes me feel really great. I know that she has seen a lot and has been in this field for many, many years and in addition has also been an ultrasound tech in the NICU, so I value her prediction. I have another cervical check ultrasound coming up on Monday next week and I feel confident that my cervix will behave.

Picture courtest of
http://www.thegreendoula.com/

Up until now the baby has been in birth position with head down, but last night I watched my stomach change shape as my baby boy repositioned causing my stomach to go completely hard while I felt him moving around in what has now become a very tight space. Based on how my tummy looks I would venture to guess that he is now in transverse position, which means he is basically laying across my stomach. (See below pic courtesy of www.thegreendoula.com)

The irony of this is that although he is not pushing on my cervix like he has been in birth position, it hurts more because his body feels like it is stretched out across my belly with his head pressing on my bladder, elbow planted firmly in my belly button and a foot pushing through my ribs. Ouch! Let’s just say that I thought I had bladder leakage problems before, but now I am terrified to sneeze. I have no idea at this point how my stomach can possibly stretch any further to accommodate his growth. BUT I am not complaining because it means he is still inside of me and is growing. I will be very interested to know how much the doctor estimates he weighs at this point. I have that on my list of questions to ask at my next appointment.

In the last couple of weeks, we have had a lot of things going on for our family that have represented growth and positive change. My generous, insightful, and thoughtful younger sister threw us a baby shower last weekend. It was very special and we welcomed this party as a chance to celebrate how far we have come not only with the pregnancy, but as a family.

We enjoyed celebrating with everyone and I was amazed at all the cute things they make nowadays for boys. It was such a refreshing day just to be in the moment. Our oldest daughter, Makaila, was in charge of opening up the presents and exclaiming “Oh Wow!” at everything she pulled out of the brightly wrapped packages.

Our youngest, Mackenzie (aka Kenzie), was in charge of trying to wrangle everything away to use for her baby dolls. (We had to hide the diapers because she thought they were definitely for her dolls. Afterall, they are the right size!)

I realize this will be baby #3 for us and most people don’t usually get a shower, but for one I think all babies are cause for celebration and two for those of you with preemies who have been through the trauma of the NICU with the long nights that drag into months holding your breath waiting for the dreaded calls that come just as you finally clear your head briefly to drift into sleep, the terror you feel when they finally release your child from the NICU and you wonder how you will manage without the nurses, the long days and nights as you learn about the aftermath that prematurity leaves on a child as they grow older, the stress it places on your entire family, a baby shower represents life, simplicity, happiness and the pureness of all celebrations.

And for a brief moment you forget. You forget that your pregnancy is anything but normal you just relish the tiny clothes, the smell of the baby lotion, and the happy faces that surround you.

Makaila's first day of kindergarten 2011

In continuing with our busy week, we started a new chapter in our lives. Our oldest daughter Makaila started kindergarten.

She was so scared, but so very brave. Armed with her new backpack that was half her size, she walked into her classroom sat down at her assigned seat and looked up at us with the most trusting eyes. The rest of the week, she took some time to adjust to her new routine having a few meltdowns and wardrobe protests because she is very, very picky about her clothing. Certain fabrics bother her and she is also going through a phase where she is a fashionista and nothing in her closet is "right." I have no idea where she gets this from! *smile* My husband right now is grimmacing since she certainly takes after me.

We are so proud of her because in the scheme of things, she, more than anyone in our family, has had to adjust to many big changes in life. Going from being an only child to having a preemie sister who spent months in the NICU, and then trying to be a patient big sister attempting to understand all of the attention little sister gets with continued developmental therapies, specialists for her sisters lung and health issues, and sensory integration issues that often result in her sisters extreme behavior, it has been hard on her. It does seem like the children who are siblings of preemies and special needs children often get somewhat ignored because you have to concentrate so much on the child who needs you the most at the moment. But Makaila is a trooper and we feel that kindergarten is going to give her something of her own to be proud of. She’s an incredibly smart, imaginative and gifted child with many, many talents. She keeps us entertained with her performances singing Selena Gomez on her karaoke machine or coming up with a short stories that we usually have to put to paper.

Our youngest, Kenzie, starts pre-school with the school district next week after her third birthday. In school, she will receive developmental therapies such as occupational therapy, speech, and physical therapy.

Kenzie has been in developmental therapies her entire life as she has many developmental delays that are just part of being a preemie as well as part of a brain injury that we just discovered this year that she sustained in the NICU. It led to the complete loss of the left side of her cerebellum and although her right side has compensated, she is quite clumsy and in need of help from occupational therapists and continued physical therapy. She also has some speech delays as she did not start talking until earlier this year after having ear tubes placed last October due to multiple ear infections.

But she is such a strong child emotionally and physically, incredibly smart with such a zest for life and everything in it. She takes nothing for granted. She appreciates everything. We are confident she will catch up with her peers. Her sheer determination has already proved to us that nothing will ever stand in her way. We are so grateful for the district program and although she has never left my side, other than for me to run a quick errand as a family member watched her, I think the teacher and the various developmental specialists, will do a world of good for her. I worry that she might catch something that would hurt her fragile lungs and land her back in the hospital, but her pulmonologist and I talked and although there is that possibility we (Daddy, Mommy & her pulmonologist) recognize that she needs the social factor and she needs to be doing age appropriate activities by the time she reaches kindergarten age. Plus her classroom will be right next to her big sisters so we feel great about that.

Since both of our girls have birthdays within two days of each other, we will have their combined birthday party tomorrow. Both girls are super excited. It marks another milestone for our family. With one child turning 5 and another turning 3, our family has overcome a lot with everything that has happened since Kenzie’s birth. Life is about milestones and ultimately about changes. Nothing ever stays the same and frankly why would we want it to? Stability is good, but becoming stagnant is depressing. I welcome change as I am never one to leave even my furniture arranged the same way for longer than a few months, but I know that life changes like what we have been through even in the last year do take time to adjust. Change represents growth and our family has certainly grown closer as a result of all that we have been through. I think by the time our baby boy enters this world, life will be more settled and our girls will be ready to welcome their baby brother with open arms.

Before I close my post for this week, I wanted to share an idea that I have decided to introduce. Many of my readers have shared their personal stories of triumph and heartache with incompetent cervix and giving birth to a preemie. Some of you share stories strikingly similar to mine, others have endured so much heartache they are not sure they could ever try again for another child. For the next several weeks, I will be hosting a “guest post” on my site and giving one reader each week a chance to share their story on my site. I am doing this because your stories have touched my heart and I think others need to hear them.

Incompetent Cervix is more common than most people think and as I always say incompetent cervix is not a life sentence. It is something to overcome, but does not mean you are destined to never try again for another child. If you are interested in sharing your story to be published on my blog, please email me your story along with a picture to be included to incompetentmeblog@gmail.com. Subject line should read: Guest Post. (Please edit your story for publication. I can do minor edits, but would prefer if they were publication ready. )

The first story I will be introducing next week comes from a brave and strong woman I met on this blog. Her name is Angela and her story is one of heartache and triumph. She too is pregnant again after an incompetent cervix diagnosis, but she suffered a loss that no mother should ever have to endure. Like me, she too has had her own fears about being pregnant again. Look for her story in her own words next week...

29 Week 4D ultrasound!!

2011-08-03T23:04:00.007-06:00

So I must apologize for my delayed update as every time in the last few days that I started to sit down to upload the ultrasound pictures and let everyone know how week 29 has been, something distracts me. It's been a busy week! We had our 4D ultrasound at the end of the week last week, my sister threw us a baby shower on Saturday, my oldest started kindergarten this week, and I am in the process of finalizing paperwork for my youngest to start pre-school with the district in a couple of weeks. I will write a separate post on week 29, my latest cervical check ultrasound, as well as some pics from my awesome baby shower!

But without further ado, I am very excited to share the photos from my 4D ultrasound last week. It's amazing what they can do nowadays to allow you a glimpse of your baby growing inside of your womb. My last 3D ultrasound was in 2006 when I was pregnant with my oldest daughter and it looked nothing like what we saw last week with our baby boy. In fact, I was under the impression that we were going to do a 3D ultrasound, but the doctors office actually did a 4D video with still pictures of the baby! Very cool, indeed! Let's just say that the strange kicks I have been feeling in my growing belly and on my cervix now make perfect sense. On the day of the 4D ultrasound he had his feet up next to his face and insisted on holding his legs in place with his arms. The tech measured his feet because I told her they looked huge and they are, in fact, large for his gestation. They measured at 5.7cm which is 2.2 inches long. I was told that the average foot length would be around 5.3cm. No wonder his kicks pack a punch at this point.

He was NOT very cooperative in letting us see his handsome and adorable chubby face. From what we can tell so far he looks a lot like my hubby, but seems to have my chin -- a strong family trait that all of my siblings and I share. His nose looks a bit distorted in the photos, but I am sure it's because the little stinker is curled up in a ball with his legs doubled over his body with his feet touching his face. When the tech first switched over from the normal 2D to 4D, both my husband and I were struggling to figure out what we were looking at. It appeared to be a mess of tangled arms and legs. Shocked I asked the tech if everything was ok. She replied that he was just doing acrobatics, there was nothing to worry about, and she began to point out what we were looking at. I have no idea how in the world this position is comfortable and why he would insist on this position, but apparently he must do this a lot as it explains the numerous occasions when it feels like he is going to kick through my cervix when I know he is head down.

Here's our first glimpse in 4D. I think you will see why we were a bit confused:

She then took the probe off my tummy and wiggled it on my upper belly trying to get the baby to move. He did move ever so slightly by shifting his feet so we could catch a fleeting glimpse of his face.

Finally he moved so we could see his adorable face. Because it was real time, we got to see all of his movements and they were also captured on video for us.

And then when he decided he had given us enough of a sneak peak, he put his hand back up to his face to briefly suck on his thumb and finally his feet were back in place also in front of his face.

Although we only had a fleeting glimpse of his precious face, we were both very excited to see his profile. The 4D helped explain so much of the movements I have been feeling in my growing belly. We had hoped seeing the 4D would help us finally decide on a name, but it looks like we are still undecided. We may just have our top names ready for the day of his arrival when we can actually meet him and finally decide. Until then, we will just enjoy that each week he is growing and remaining inside my womb where he belongs until the day he is finally term!

Just To Be Sure

2011-07-27T17:37:00.001-06:00

Because it had been a strange weekend having what I thought were contractions, I decided on Monday to go in for a quick check to make sure that everything was all right. It was not my scheduled week for my cervical check, but the office was able to get me in right away. I thought I better post a quick update since there were a lot of concerned people that perhaps I had done too much and everything was not ok.

I discovered that not only was everything fine, but my cervix was measuring at 2.9 cm in length, still within the ok range. (They usually check 3 separate times during each appointment and during the 3 checks it showed 2.8cm, 2.9cm and 3.1cm.) I did not have any funneling and although I felt like I was having a contraction at the precise moment they were doing the ultrasound, it wasn't a contraction at all. In fact, the ultrasound showed that it was the baby stretching and causing my stomach to get firm from the way he was positioned.

His head is still down in birth position, but he seems to prefer this position. I was told that it was normal at between 28 weeks and 32 weeks for babies to begin turning head down and he would likely attempt to reposition, but it wasn't cause for alarm that he is head down. At the last ultrasound his face was turned toward my backside, but at this ultrasound his head was turned toward my front side. The tech traced the outline of his little bottom on my belly to show me why I felt like I was having a contraction. If you can imagine this, his little bum is pushing quite hard on my belly which even now feels very hard. Between the anterior tilt of my uterus (it faces toward the front of my body) and the low lying placenta it all causes his movements to be very noticeable. In fact, if I lean slightly backwards I can see the outline of his body.

Although the doctor said I can ease up on modified bedrest, I have still been taking it easy. Well as easy as you can take it when you have a hyper 2 year old that never sleeps and a feisty 4 year old who lately has become a bit needy. Likely my 4 year old is a bit stressed over the impending birth of her brother as well as nervous about starting kindergarten next week. I think getting out of the house and getting to be around kids her age, even if for only part of the day, will tremendously help her and give her something of her own that she gets to do. It's hard thinking about her starting school already, but she's such an intelligent and bright young lady and she truly gets bored at home with mommy and her little sister.

We made the decision to take our 2 year old to a chiropractor last Saturday to see if perhaps he could help us figure out why she is not sleeping. After all, we had been to all of her specialists and no one seemed to have the answer. Several people over the last two years have suggested a chiropractor and we've resisted exhausting all other resources first. I'm proud to say she's had two adjustments so far and she has slept the last three nights. We eased up on the melatonin as the neurologist had her up to 4mg and it still wasn't working, so we thought we would see what would happen if she went back to 1mg with her treatments. Granted the last two nights she did wake up and crawl into bed with us at some point, but unlike most nights she actually fell back to sleep quickly and we got a full nights rest. She's had some extreme meltdowns during the day, but in the last four nights she has not woken up with a meltdown. You have no idea what a relief that has been. I don't think my body knows what to do with sleep. It feels strange since she's not slept well off and on for the last two years. And she is now acting like she's exhausted during the day and actually took a nap yesterday and today. So it seems to me that chiropractic is working for her.

Tomorrow is my 3D ultrasound and we are so excited! I will post the pictures once we have them. Thank you everyone for sharing in this journey with us and for sharing your stories, your excitement for us, and your concern when things seem scary. I will be 29 weeks on Friday and can't believe how far we've come.

28 Weeks - Going Backward?

2011-07-24T10:13:00.003-06:00

It's been an interesting start to my 28th week... Not sure what my body is doing, but I've told the baby he is not going anywhere until he is well past 34 weeks.

I went into the doctor on Wednesday of last week for my week 27 cervical check ultrasound. The baby looked great and his heart beat was at 166 bpm, a little high, but they could see he was moving around a lot as he usually does and said everything appeared great. My cervix measured at 3.30 cm in length. This is slightly shorter in length than my last ultrasound over two weeks ago when I measured at 3.50 cm in length, but still well within the normal range at above 3.0 cm. The baby has repositioned once again and his head is sitting on my cervix. He seems to prefer this position and even if he moves with head up toward my ribs he eventually moves back to his preferred head over cervix position. I was told this is normal and nothing to be concerned about.

The doctor was so pleased that over the last 3 ultrasounds I had maintained such a great cervical length that he said I could let up on bedrest a bit, obviously not running any marathons, but not have to feel like I should be finding a way to lay down every second. I even got authorization to make the one hour drive to see my youngest daughters neurologist who is in a neighboring town. Even better news since I have a ton of questions for her and didn't want to send my husband with a laundry list of things he had to ask the doctor. So he will drive and I will kick back in the passenger seat. I was on cloud 9. Awesome News!

But then came Friday when I turned 28 weeks.

I woke in the middle of the night feeling some pressure like I was feeling early on in the pregnancy. No discharge, but I couldn't tell if it was pressure like labor pain pressure or perhaps I needed to go to the bathroom. Any pregnant woman will tell you that constipation is usually something of a constant in pregnancy, but of course when you are taking Procardia and receiving progesterone injections too it really aggravates the situation. Because of this the doctor has me take Milk of Magnesia every single day so I don't have to worry about that problem. That, of course, creates another problem itself. But when you are in labor you also feel like you have to go to the bathroom suddenly and it's often hard to distinguish what is really going on. Luckily, I was able to go to the bathroom that morning thank goodness and felt some relief from the pressure in my abdomen. However, as I got myself and my girls ready to go out the door for an appointment that morning my stomach went very noticeablely hard and my lower back began to ache. I had been feeling the baby move up to this point and suddenly I could no longer feel him. I realized I had not yet taken my Procardia and was over an hour late with my dose. Darn it! How could I have forgotten to take it on time?

Needless to say, I cancelled my appointment and ran to lay on the couch. One of my 5 sisters came over, as did my mom, to occupy my girls so I could rest. My mom of course was beside herself with worry telling me that I should go to the hospital to get checked. I chose to lay on the couch and rest because I knew that I needed to give the Procardia time to work and I knew I also needed to lay on my left side drinking lots of water, which is what they have you do at the hospital. I worried that if I suddenly jumped in the car and walked through the hospital up to labor and delivery to be checked it was going to cause more of a problem. Why they put labor and delivery so far away from the main entrance is beyond me.

My stomach stayed consistently hard most of the morning and early afternoon but it wasn't like contractions you could count. At some point I could also feel the baby pressing on my cervix and a strange sensation every so often like perhaps he could rupture my stitches. However, resting did help and taking my hand and applying some pressure to my abdomen caused the baby moved his position toward late afternoon on Friday which took off a lot of the pressure on cervix and then suddenly I had to go to the bathroom again and I felt fine again.

So what caused all of this? I'm not sure. Was it just constipation symptoms? Was it lack of sleep and stress? Was it the baby's position pressing on cervix and bowels? Because of the tilt of my uterus and the placement of the placenta he is literally right there pressing on everything. Who knows? All I know is that I had a long talk with the baby and let him know I can't have him born before he is truly ready to be introduced to this world. While I understood the doctor gave me some new found freedom, I only took some time on Thursday to sort some things that had been driving me nuts, but it wasn't labor intensive. I did get a bit stressed this week because my daughter, who normally sleeps very little or not at all, chose to wake at 11:30pm on Wednesday night and I stayed with her trying to get her to go back to sleep until 5 am when she finally drifted off to sleep. She was very hyper when she woke and wanted to start her day. Needless to say, I had no sleep whatsoever that night. I didn't ask my hubby for help because he is working on his masters degree and had been up late the last few nights working on homework and has to get up for work before the sun rises. I thought I could handle it.

Today, I am just taking it easy. My hubby took the girls to the zoo and I think it will give them all some time to be away from the pressures of worrying about the baby and just be kids. I think it will help daddy too and give mommy a break just to have a quiet house.

This coming Saturday is my baby shower and both hubby and I are very excited. I don't want to celebrate this event in the hospital, or worse yet have to cancel because I am in labor, so it will be a relatively lazy week. I'll keep everyone posted if anything else happens. I do have my 28 week 3D ultrasound this Thursday and am really looking forward to that as well. I will post pictures from it as soon as I have them! If I have any other strange symptoms I will go in to be checked, but I think everything is under control for now.

Week 27! Doing the happy dance!

2011-07-19T15:14:00.004-06:00

Week 27 - Bless my hubby for taking my photo this week. I
am normally the one behind the camera, so he put up with
lots of retakes! *smile*

Week 27 snuck up on me. For once I wasn't focused on what week or day I was on, instead I just enjoyed my week and laughed with my girls. Last Friday I was going about my day, when suddenly I realized "Oh my gosh! I'm 27 weeks!" Now I look at the calendar and I realize week 28 is approaching fast too. Yay!!!!

I feel really great. I seriously love this stage in pregnancy. Although I am gaining weight, I know it is for my baby and that makes me feel pretty. Still hopeful that I can get him to term or darn near close. I'm still having some adverse skin reactions to the progesterone injections as every shot leaves a reminder lump that doesn't go away and a rash that's not very attractive. Both make it difficult to sit for at least a week and by then it is time for the new one. But oh well... it's still worth it. I've been experiencing some hip pain, but my doctor authorized me to see a chiropracter and after my first visit yesterday I can already tell a difference.

Week 27! My baby boy is growing
and I'm still pregnant!

My youngest daughter has not been sleeping through the night, so it's made it hard on the entire household. Hoping she will be tired soon so we can all get some sleep. We've tried everything to get her to sleep through the night. Her neurologist suggested melatonin and although it works to get her to sleep, she wakes after 3 hours of sleep and is ready to start her day. We are very perplexed as everyone we have talked to tells us what a wonderful thing melatonin is. Her lack of sleep sure causes some hearty temper tantrums which are difficult to handle when I am trying to do bedrest and remain calm, but it surely has to get better.

My next routine ultrasound to check cervical length is tomorrow. I don't anticipate any surprises, although the baby feels as if he has repositioned with head sitting on my cervix again. I'm getting anxious for my week 28 ultrasound which will take place the week of July 25th. It will be fun to see his facial features in 3D. Perhaps that will help us to finally choose his name!

I'm getting to do things with this pregnancy that I missed with my youngest. In fact, one of my sisters called me recently to ask when we should plan my baby shower! I'm very excited about it! I realize this is child number 3, but after everything that happened in my last pregnancy, and the fact that I am having a boy and need boy stuff, I welcome this generous gesture. It represents normalcy and makes me feel even more hopeful.

Along with my growing belly, my bra size seems to be climbing the alphabet in a slow but steady race. I'm not sure what my bust thinks it will win, but I suspect the progesterone injections are to blame for my recent blossoming bosom. I didn't even realize you could have triple letters for a bra size, but apparently that's my life now. Pre-children I was always a nearly B, so this is such strange territory for me. I can't seem to find any to fit me correctly and my heart goes out to those who have had to deal with this their whole lives. They don't even make pretty bras for my new size.

Me with my pug mix. He insisted on being in the picture.
He's my sweetheart and such a wonderful dog.

Since I am not really allowed to go shopping, as walking around would put too much pressure on my cervix, I purchased a few bras online recently from a local store. I found that's probably not the best method unless you have previously tried them on. One of the bras had such wonderful reviews, but when it arrived I felt like I was wearing a strange contraption that covered my entire chest up to my neck. Since one woman described this bra as "sexy", I couldn't help but wonder about her definition of sexy. It felt more like a straight jacket to hold them at attention. I will now have to go to the store to quickly return them, but luckily this store is fairly small and I can get in and out quickly.

My hubby was my photographer this week and bless his heart, did his best to follow all of my directions on how to take my picture to document my growing belly this week. I'm not the best model since I am usually the one behind the camera, but I think he did an awesome job!

Something that everyone may not know about me is that I am not only trying to grow my family, but I am also a writer and a photographer. I have loved photography since my early youth and it was always my hobby, but it was the birth of my children that prompted me to start a photography business. You can find my website at: http://www.makadoodlephotography.com/ (Sorry, shameless plug.) My favorite thing about photographing families and children is telling the story of the family. Everyone has a story and I think its important to surround yourself and family with photos that capture the essence of each member of the family. I don't have many photos of me as a child, as no one ever seemed to have a camera, but I have made it my mission to ensure that my children will always have many photos to look back and remember milestones and special memories.

Since I always have a camera attached to me, I had to snap some photos of my daughters this past week as they were having fun pretending they were pregnant and also had a baby. I know they don't completely understand, but it such a precious moment and it made both my husband and I laugh. My youngest took caring for her "newborn" very serious and even "babied" one of our dogs. She cherishes her baby dolls and I always enjoy watching how nurturing she is. I thought I would share a few photos from their fun day. More info to come after my ultrasound tomorrow.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen - Erma Bombeck

2011-07-14T23:05:00.004-06:00

Tonight I am going to stray from my normal updates about my pregnancy and share something I came across today from my preemie support group. It's been a particularly exhausting week with my youngest daughter refusing to sleep. This is her norm. We've tried so many things to try to make sleeping through the night part of her routine, following advice from her neurologist, and other specialists, but nothing works. Afterall, she's literally a few weeks from turning 3, shouldn't she be sleeping by now? But it's part of the joys of raising a premature child who has a lot of "quirks."

Those of you reading this blog who also have preemies will appreciate Erma Bombeck's view of preemie moms I am sure. In fact, when I read it I was on my Inspire Preemie Support Group site searching for someone who might also have a child who shares the same sleep disorder as my daughter. The story made me cry, but I welcomed the tears as it was a reminder that even in this moment, when I am sleep deprived and praying that my baby girl will decide she finally needs to rest for the evening, she will always be our little miracle.

How Preemie Moms are Chosen

by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy." "Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.

Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.

I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.

You see, the child I am going to give her has a world of it's own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

God smiles. "This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness. "

The angel gasps, "Selfishness! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "momma" for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

I will permit her to see clear the things that I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them.

She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"But what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.

"A mirror will suffice.

Psst... Has anyone seen my feet?

2011-07-11T23:52:00.003-06:00

Last Friday, on July 8^th I entered into my 26^th week of pregnancy and I have lost sight of my feet. I couldn’t be happier! Really.

I am huge. Not in my weight – although I have gained a total of 18 pounds so far – but in the size of my belly. I always ask the sonographer if they are sure I am not carrying two - of course I only have one, but it's amazing to me that one little baby could cause my belly to be this big. Strangers have asked me how far along and when I say, they stare, as if my belly is something that should be documented and charted somewhere. The Guinness Book of World Records for the hugest belly at only 26 weeks carrying only one child. I will get some pictures taken and post them soon. I love that my belly extends outward like a basketball or perhaps two. It means my baby boy is growing and thriving and my pregnancy is continuing. I saw my doctor today when I got my progesterone shot and I told him that I couldn't be happier. I love this stage in pregnancy when you have energy and feel great. The baby has moved up and I don't feel as intense of pressure. Things are progressing normally!

Earlier last week, my cervix miraculously measured at 3.5 cm. The sonographer said that she thought it was actually measuring at 4.0 cm but she was going to error on the side of caution. Keeping in mind that the average length of a cervix during pregnancy is 3.0 cm and as you progress into your third trimester it will begin to shorten as your body prepares for birth, 3.5 cm is normal. She had to do the transvaginal ultrasound since the baby was in the way of her view of my cerclage and cervix. It was very uncomfortable, but she used the non-latex cover to see if that might be the culprit. I still don’t think I am allergic to latex as my doctor alluded, but I didn’t have any contractions this time, just a feeling of inflammation. But that seems a small price to pay to learn that right now my cervix is measuring normal! Okay…so perhaps some may find my celebration of cervical length strange, but “normal” becomes such an appealing word when you have been placed on bedrest and told your cervix is in danger of shortening leading to a hospital sentence of more bedrest, upside down in trendelenburg. I’m still on bedrest to keep up the progress, but cervix is measuring normal. Normal! Did you hear that world?

Baby boy - as so named right now since we can’t seem to call him by any other name yet – is extremely active. His kicks now shake my growing belly and cause my girls to break out in fits of laughter. They love it. My hubby thinks it is awesome that he gets to experience the kicks when he puts his hand on my belly. This is what I envisioned and what I hoped and longed for when I first found out I was pregnant.

I feel hopeful, happy, and optimistic. Things are progressing nicely. Today my doctor and I worked out a plan of action if my water were to break early so I feel better having a plan in place. Next routine ultrasound to check cervical length is next week in of week 27. The following week at 28 weeks, my doctors office will do a 3D ultrasound. I am really looking forward to that one!

So yes I can’t see my feet and bending over to pick up things is becoming increasingly difficult, but the important thing is… I can’t see my feet and that means I’m still pregnant and my baby is growing. Everything is progressing... normally!

I wanted to add a quick note to thank all of the people who faithfully read my blog. I've had the privilege to learn about so many of your experiences and stories and welcome the comments and dialogue. Although I would never wish an incompetent cervix or prematurity on anyone, it is nice to know that I am not alone in this journey. I hope you keep writing to me about your experiences as I really do want to hear about them. It's been especially humbling to hear from those of you who are now adults and were born premature. Reading your view of life growing up has given me an entirely different viewpoint so thank you, thank you, for sharing. It just reinforces how strong those born prematurely are, and have to be, to survive.

I know some of my readers have tried to contact me via my personal facebook page and although I don't share my personal facebook as I reserve that one for family and friends, I have created a facebook page related to my blog (please "like" the page to join it) and I also have an email address where I can be contacted. I have added this information to the contacting me folder on my main blog page.

Traumatic Events - Do our cells have a memory?

2011-07-03T16:38:00.020-06:00

I promised in my last post to share something that happened to me last week at 24 weeks and 2 days that I described as ‘strange.’ Some may read this post and it won’t make sense, they will be skeptical. However, I suspect that there are some who will completely understand and be able to identify. Those who have also experienced this phenomenon may not have spoken about it, or may have shared it with someone and were told it was all in their head and to move on. I don’t claim to have the answers to what happened, but I do know it was very real to me. I am going to discuss cellular memory, a controversial topic but one that I welcome comments and discussion.

Me & my family 2 months before I went into the hospital
at 21 weeks pregnant with my youngest daughter.

The theory behind cell memory is that memory is encoded at the cellular level, meaning that each cell in our bodies has the ability to store memory of physical trauma such as surgeries, cuts, scrapes, etc, and emotional trauma such as fear, anger, abuse, etc. So for instance, when your brain recalls a memory you generally are able to get a “picture” of the event, but when your cells retrieve a memory it results in pain or what ever sensation that organ may have experienced during the traumatic event. The scientific community has doubted the existence of cell memory because there is not a scientific way to measure the phenomenon. However, more research is being conducted because those who have experienced post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will often times experience physical sensations along with their visual memory stimulated by the brain. Experts on this phenomenon assert that a person does not have to re-experience the trauma in order to be healed, but can use intention or verbal processing about the memory and change thought patterns leading to more healthy ones freeing the person of negative connotations associated with the traumatic event.

For more information on cellular memory, please visit one of the following sites:

· http://www.sedonaheartwalk.com/CellularMemory.pdf

· http://www.aaets.org/article30.htm

· http://www.spiritualityseeker.com/cellular-memory.htm

Year 2008 - Daddy sharing a quiet moment with our
baby girl, 4 months old. She had been home
from the hopital for less than a month.
At barely over 4 lbs we thought she was huge!

Approaching my 24th week of pregnancy with my baby boy made me nervous. In fact, it scared me. Yes, I knew the risks of getting pregnant again after 3 years ago delivering a micro-preemie 16 weeks early. And yes, I get why there are those close to my hubby and I who have made comments and thought it was their business to offer opinions on the choices we have made to grow our family. I reiterate once again that I did do research prior to get pregnant and I am still confident it was the right decision to grow our family, but after all I am only human and I do have feelings.

It’s no secret to those close to me that what I experienced hanging out almost upside down in the hospital for 16 days trying to stay pregnant with my micro-preemie daughter, combined with her stressful birth, her 3 months in the NICU, and her first year of life when she came home still critical took a huge toll on me emotionally. I had post traumatic stress disorder and had to go through therapy to work through it. When I came home after her birth I felt disoriented and often woke up with night sweats unable to figure out where I was and why my bed wasn’t in trendelenburg. My husband usually had to hold me and tell me I was at home, that I had given birth to our baby girl, and she was still in neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). I developed a very serious infection in my female organs five days after her birth that left me septic and landed me back in the ER. This same infection also developed in my baby girls lungs 5 days after her birth and eventually led to her lung complications.

2008 - Me & my oldest daughter.
I'm 22 weeks pregnant & in my hospital bed
in trendelenburg position trying to stay
pregnant with my youngest. Notice how the
electical plugs are higher than my head.

With my current pregnancy, the closer I came to 24 weeks and 2 days pregnant the more fearful I became. I wanted the day to rush past so I could get to 24 weeks and 3 days pregnant, a milestone that I was at least one day further with my baby boy. I wasn't sure what to expect when I reached this milestone based on my heartbreaking experience of the early birth of my youngest daughter, but I found it to be mixture of both relief and a strange sort of anguish within my growing womb for what my daughter had to go through to be here and what I hoped my baby boy would never have to endure.

What I discovered last Sunday, at 24 weeks and 2 days, was that not only did my mind remember that day almost 3 years ago when I was forced to deliver my baby girl early, but my uterus seemed to have a cellular memory of the experience as well. It was almost as if, with my current pregnancy, I relived her birth both in the physical sensations of the emergency c-section, the infection in my body, and the emotional anguish as well. It made me wonder, was it my mind playing tricks on me or was my uterus somehow remembering too?

At the exact moment in my current gestation when the doctor would have begun the process of the emergency c-section to remove my youngest daughter almost 3 years ago, I began to experience pain in my lower abdomen near my c-section scar, my abdomen felt very tender and hurt to touch. I felt physically exhausted, started having a hot flash, and an intense headache began to throb all over my head. I suddenly felt highly emotional and wanted to burst into tears. I couldn’t get past the fact that up until that point I felt okay and had made it a point to rest most of the morning not walking around very much. Not understanding what was happening I felt somewhat panicked wondering if something was going on with my current pregnancy. Was I having contractions? Was something wrong? Was I going to also deliver my baby boy early too? I immediately took myself to my room to lay down and try to alleviate the pain. As I lay down I glanced up at the clock and realized what time it was. It was the exact same time over 3 years ago that I would have been laying on the operating table as they frantically worked to remove my daughter from my septic womb to save her life.

2008 - July 4rth Me & My oldest daughter
Blissfully unaware that anything would go wrong
with my pregnancy. 25 days later I was admitted to the
hospital and diagnosed with an incompetent cervix

Yes, I had an emergency c-section in a hospital setting, but it was a disturbing way to give birth knowing that just by being removed from my body, the doctors gave her a 20% chance to live meaning she had an 80% chance she would die. With both arms strapped down and a large blue cloth hiding her "birth" I never really got to see her after she was born. In fact, I didn't get to hold her for the first month of her life.

During the c-section, I did have a spinal block, but I felt all the tugging and pulling and I even encountered pain as she moved up into my ribs as they were removing her from my body. As soon as they removed her, she couldn't breathe on her own and was hooked to a vent to breathe for her, placed in an incubator, and rushed upstairs. They rushed past the surgical table where I lay as they were running her to the NICU, but with arms still outstretched on the table, and doctors working on me, I could only slightly move my head to see her bed, never once seeing her frail body. I spent time in recovery as my spinal wore off and searing pain began. I was very ill that night so I didn’t get to see my baby girl in her incubator in the NICU until the next day in the afternoon.

When I saw her for the first time the next day, I was stunned. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. She was not even the size of a small doll and there were so many tubes and wires hooked to her that they engulfed her tiny body. Her entire body vibrated with the oscillating ventilator that breathed for her and her eyes still fused shut, seemed to be wincing in pain. They didn't even have diapers to fit her and the make shift ones that they used were smaller than the palm of my hand and were so big on her that they covered part of her chest.

So it should be no surprise that making it past 24 weeks and 2 days in my current pregnancy with my baby boy is something that I consider a colossal milestone. And yes, I did make it through that day, last Sunday, and no there wasn’t anything wrong with my current pregnancy. I had an intense headache the rest of the day, but after the point where my daughter would have been born the symptoms lessened and eventually disappeared. And ironically, I no longer seem to have the same terror that generally went through my mind daily about delivering him early before or at 24 weeks. It was as if my body realized “ok, I’m experiencing it again, but there’s still a baby there!”

Year 2011 - My youngest daughter today at age 2
(Birth weight 1 lb 5 1/2 ounces.
Born at 24 weeks)

He is now a week bigger and stronger than my daughter would have been when she was born at 24 weeks and 2 days. Although I will also have to deliver him by c-section as well due to the way my uterus was cut open with my daughters birth I am mentally prepared for his delivery. I hope it won't have to be an emergency c-section, but I am prepared for what might happen if it is. I now know what to expect and I feel such a huge sense of relief. I believe that I experienced cellular memory, and in doing so it helped me work past my post traumatic stress disorder that I thought I had already worked through. I can honestly say that I don’t feel as stressed about everything, and even my oldest daughter noticed and commented on it. I am just enjoying my pregnancy and starting to feel very excited for the day when we get to meet him.

Now, if we could just come up with a name for him! I welcome comments, thoughts, and discussion on cellular memory, whether it is related to a traumatic birth or any other experience.

Week 24: Going Backward to Move Forward

2011-06-29T23:59:00.002-06:00

Today I reached a milestone. It might not be considered worthy of the local news stations, but in my world of pregnancy highs and lows lately it is definitely a momentous occasion and one that my husband and I are celebrating. I am now 6 days further in my pregnancy than when my youngest daughter was born 16 weeks early back in 2008. I am 24 weeks and 6 days pregnant today! I finally see some light at the end of the tunnel that I can get this pregnancy to term. Although my baby boy would be viable at this gestation if my body once again failed, he would have several things against him that could cause complications and decrease his chances; our elevation (over 6000 feet above sea level), his gender (it’s been proven that Caucasian male micro-preemies don’t do as well as girls), and his lungs would be underdeveloped. However, based on my last ultrasound, I am feeling incredibly hopeful that everything will be ok and I will make it well past 35 weeks.

I had something strange happen on Sunday at 24 weeks and 2 days pregnant, the same gestation my daughter was born at when she had to be taken by emergency c-section. I’ll talk about it in a separate post as I don’t believe I am the only one who has delivered a preemie to have this experience in a subsequent pregnancy. I would welcome some conversations on it. So keep an eye out for a follow-up post.

My cervix is holding at between 2.6 cm and 3.2 cm in length and I have not had any funneling since week 17. I have been able to be home with my girls and have managed to follow the doctor’s orders of modified bed rest as much as I can allowing me so far to avoid a lengthy stay in the hospital. I’ve hired a house keeper that comes weekly for a couple of hours to help me get everything cleaned up. Having never had someone clean my house before, I’ve discovered I love it. She’s amazing. My in-laws have offered to pitch in so that she can continue to help out. I’ve also had family members helping out with watching my girls or taking my oldest to have special days with grammy or one of her aunts. That has helped tremendously as I know my oldest has been very bored without mommy to be her usual fun self taking the girls to the park, or coming up with fun activities to do during the day.

My baby boy is kicking and moving every night and I already feel such a close bond with him. Last night he kicked hard enough for daddy to feel his kicks several times. I love this part of pregnancy! I can't wait to meet him, but I've told him he has to stay inside until he is full term. I think we are close to having a name for him, although we keep going back and forth between two. I am not sure why we seem to have such a difficult time with reaching a decision. We both feel confident we have a name, we start addressing him by the name and then both hubby and I will say "I don't know...let's wait on it." With our girls, their names seemed to come to us relatively easily. Hopefully we will decide soon as I would prefer to address him as something other than "baby boy."

I’ve had many questions regarding cervical length and bed rest. I think it’s best to address them now to clear up any confusion. Instead of including them here, I will list the most common ones in a separate page link above my post titled “Common Questions.” I did want to highlight a video in my post today from babyssentials.com that does a nice job of explaining an incompetent cervix. I think this will help give a visual for those that still aren’t sure what an incompetent cervix is and why I have been so hypervigilant about everything.

What Is Cervical Incompetence

Week 23: The Rain Came Down...Literally

2011-06-22T14:40:00.010-06:00

I am happy to report I am approaching my 24^th week! The last two weeks have been trying, but have brought my husband and I closer and helped us both to see how our reactions to stress, fear of losing the baby, and just life in general directly affects our children and how they react to stress.

One of my all time favorite children's authors and illustrators is David Shannon. His books are witty, heartwarming, cleverly illustrated, and sometimes a bit off the wall but children are captivated by the artwork and seem to quickly grasp the meaning behind the story. My children love his books. We own "A Bad Case of Stripes", "No David!", and "The Rain Came Down." My two year old frequently asks for the "rain book" because it calms her and helps her fall asleep. Last week while reading to her at nap time it suddenly struck me how relevant the moral of the story applied to my life in that moment. "The Rain Came Down" does a great job of demonstrating cause and effect.While the rhythmic tone in my voice when recently reading the book helped to finally lull my daughter to sleep for a rare nap, the story also served as a reminder that when I allow the weight of the world to rest upon my shoulders, my children feel it too.

It started well into my 22nd week when I began to feel a lot of pressure on my cervix from my growing baby boy and I was beginning to feel incredibly grumpy, exhausted, and worried. I found myself doing something I don't normally do -- I was yelling... a lot, about everything, and at everyone. My belly is protruding much farther at this point than my last two pregnancies and even walking up the stairs presents difficulties. The progesterone shots have intensified my hormones, not to mention emotions, and the Procardia medication that is helping to stop contractions is causing headaches and near fainting spells from how low it has made my blood pressure. My youngest daughter has had terrible insomnia and has refused to sleep, waking between 2 am and 4 am each night and not falling back asleep. With everyone on edge from lack of sleep my oldest began to relentlessly pick fights with her sister and in turn her sister began to fight back, the housework seemed to be piling up and was getting on my every last nerve, I developed a rash from the progesterone injections and sitting had become very uncomfortable. I began to start panicking that with the entire discord of the last two weeks I was going to deliver the baby early. I knew at weeks 22 and 23 weeks he would not be strong enough to survive outside of my womb at our high elevation. However, during this simple moment holding my youngest while reading "The Rain Came Down" I was somehow snapped back into reality helping me realize I really need to relax.

I took a deep breath and began to think about all of the good things I had going for me and for my family. I realized in that moment that I couldn't let my family fall apart and I needed to approach the situation differently trying my best to let things roll off my back. This is hard for me as I have already said in previous posts, being a perfectionist is not something you can just change overnight. The expectations I place on myself far supercede any expectations that someone else would place upon me. However, with that said I made a mental checklist of the great things that were going right for us. And honestly, we have many blessings with this pregnancy. On Friday of last week I reached a milestone in this pregnancy: 23 weeks. This Friday I will be 24 weeks! Victory!

After my 23 week ultrasound this week I am feeling very hopeful and see new light that things are definitely looking up and full term is a possibility for our baby boy. I feel blessed that I have made it this far in my pregnancy despite some of the ups and downs, and I am doing my best to ensure I can get the baby well past 31 weeks -- a goal that my doctor gave me in order to keep the baby out of a level 3 NICU and remain at the amazing hospital I was at initially with my last pregnancy before I had to be transferred. Of course the doctor wants me to get him much further in gestation, but this is a little goal to help me break up the remaining weeks and allow me to feel I am making progress. We discussed the emotions that I’ve been experiencing from when I first into the hospital with my last pregnancy and as I wait to get well past the 24^th week when my daughter was born. He sees a lot of women who ae high risk pregnancies with previous early births and who also have a cerclage. He has explained to me that the emotions and fear I am experiencing are normal and something he has seen almost all of his high risk patients experience.

So I must take a moment to digress to help everyone understand why I would be particularly emotional at this point in my current pregnancy. With my previous pregnancy, it was at 22 weeks and 6 days when I was transported from one hospital on the north end of town to level 3 NICU hospital on the south end of town. En route the ambulance hit a pot hole in the road and my water bag developed a slow leak. I was angry to say the least, given that I lasted for a week at the first hospital dilated 5 cm, water bag hanging, but no leak. When my OB returned from his vacation he debated whether to send me by flight for life or ambulance. I will never know why he chose ambulance. Upon arrival at the new hospital we received distressing news that my husband and I needed to make a decision on whether or not to resuscitate our daughter because the maternal fetal doctors and neonatologists had consulted and it was determined I would deliver her within a few hours. The prognosis? Not if, but when I delivered her later that day she would not live and we were told most parents choose not to resuscitate because most felt it was cruel given all of the medical issues that would follow at that early of gestation.

Hubby and I kicked everyone out of the room and held each other while we made the gut wrenching decision to not resuscitate should I deliver that day. I cried myself to sleep that night. But the next morning, I was still pregnant and my baby girl was still kicking me to let me know she was still holding on. I called my husband bright and early the next morning to let him know, "I'm still pregnant." By now, you know we made the decision to resuscitate her and I then began a fight with the maternal fetal doctors to get corticosteroids to help her lung development. That was a battle in and of itself, but I'll save that story for my book. So given that experience, it's no wonder that I've been emotional and holding my breath until I am well past my 24th week.

At my OB appointment this week, I spoke with the doctor about starting corticosteroids. He agreed that we would start them in week 28 as a precaution to help the babies lungs develop, but if my cervix suddenly shortened before that time, and it caused him concern, he would start them earlier. Please click on this link from Healthline.com for more information on corticosteroid treatment and early births.

I am happy to report that according to my ultrasound this week my cervix has lengthened to 3.2 cm, which is a victory considering I was at 2.6 cm two weeks ago and I’ve felt immense pressure on my cervix in the last two weeks. Apparently my attempt at modified bed rest is working while still caring for my girls. I’ve done my best to rest on the couch when not making them lunch and snacks or playing with them. I have also not tried to vacuum or mop since my 17th week when my cervix started to funnel – this is a big deal for a perfectionist. I am proud to say that the baby looks great and although they couldn't measure him at this appointment due to insurance policies, they thought he looked like he was growing normally. The ultrasound tech will do another measurement of the baby’s size when I am 25 weeks.

He’s been moving regularly and is most active late at night after everyone has gone to bed. He’s quite a strong kicker and often wakes me up after I have fallen asleep. He often moves when he hears his sisters or when daddy comes home from work. I love experiencing his kicks because it affirms he is doing well. I am feeling so much better this week about everything and am truly going to work harder at letting life roll of my back and not rest upon my shoulders. I have to do this for my health, my baby’s health, and that of my family as a whole. We are blessed to have made it this far in the pregnancy and I plan to keep finding reasons everyday to enjoy the moment and let go of the worry that plagues the back of my mind. It’s the only way this pregnancy will endure and my children will not feel the brunt of everything. We are very excited to have made it this far and I can’t wait to report next week that I’ve made it even further.

Miracle Mackenzie - Watch the Story of Our Amazing 24 Weeker

2011-06-11T12:59:00.002-06:00

Click here if video will not play.

A trip down memory lane... Thought I would share the news story that highlighted our preemie baby, Mackenzie, when she was still in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) back in 2008. It brought back a lot of memories of our experiences in the NICU and reminded me of how careful I need to be with this pregnancy. Not that I forgot, really, but I think when you are feeling tempted to get up from pregnancy bedrest to do the dishes or cook a meal, it helps to see where you've been and how far you've come. I definitely don't want to end up there again with our baby boy. I learned from our time in the NICU boys do not do as well as girls in the NICU. I still can't believe how small my baby girl was. It's amazing to look back.

Week 21: Still holding

2011-06-10T15:26:00.006-06:00

When I was four years old, my grandpa passed away. He was very ill from Parkinson's, but in his day he was a cattle rancher and seemed to have a way of communicating with the animals. He was a very special person to me and although I only knew him for a short time before he left this earth, his kind and generous soul left an impression on me. When his illness took over he and my grandma came to live with us. Although I was very young I can still recall mornings where he would make a tasty breakfast treat called milk toast cereal for me. We would sit together quietly while we ate our milk toast. His hands would shake as he tried to eat his milk toast and somehow I never questioned why, I was just happy to be near him. His presence made me feel happy, loved, safe, and secure. I don't remember much about his death, except that as a child I never understood where he went and my world felt lonely for a long time without him.

Several years ago after being diagnosed with Lupus, I was going through a very low spot in my life and I began to have a recurring dream that seemed so real I had trouble determining if it was an actual memory, or just a really vivid dream. Regardless, the dream always seems to occur at a time when I feel most vulnerable and unsure of my life and always seems to bring me comfort during a time when I need it most. In the dream I am in a field and although there are houses in the distance, the space is open and free of the noise of suburbia. It is a gorgeous sunny, summer morning with a slight breeze and I can feel the breeze blowing wisps of my hair against my cheek. I can hear the sound of meadowlarks somewhere nearby and from where I am sitting in the field I can see the most delicate purple/blue and orange wild flowers in bloom everywhere I look. They make the air smell fresh and sweet. Suddenly I am viewing the dream as if watching an old movie and as I watch from above I can see me, as a child of four or five, laughing and running toward my grandpa at the end of the field, his arms out-stretched. He is smiling and when I reach him he picks me up and lifts me high above his head and twirls me around. The dream always ends as I look down at him and realize he isn't ill anymore. It has been a while since I've had this dream, but last Sunday night before my appointment with my OB I once again had this dream. I've been very stressed and worried since I learned my cervix was funneling in week 17 of my pregnancy and I like to think the dream was a sign from my grandpa that everything is going to be okay.

Week 22 - Profile Already One Pound

I had a great OB appointment this week that made me feel so much better about everything. Our little guy at 21 weeks and 3 days measured big for his gestation and already weighs 1 pound according to the ultrasound. This may not seem very significant, but having previously delivered a child at 24 weeks and 2 days weighing 1 pound, 5 1/2 ounces, this seems like a gift. For more information on average fetal length and weight for gestational age please click here.

I spoke with the ultrasound technician regarding my fears surrounding the internal ultrasound wand and she said that since she needed to measure the baby this week, she would start with the ultrasound on my stomach and see if she could get a good view of my cervix and the cerclage that way. She agreed that if I felt like it was causing me trouble to do the internal ultrasound, I shouldn't do it for now. Luckily she was able to see my cervix using only the stomach ultrasound probe and I learned that although my cervix had shortened two weeks prior to 2.6 cm, I am holding steady at 2.6 cm in length. Since the doctor told me two weeks prior that as long as I stay between 2.6 and 2.9cm in length, it made me wonder if your cervix can lengthen once it has shortened. I asked her if this was possible and she said yes. She told me that generally they like to see the cervix at 3 cm in length, which is the average length during pregnancy, but also informed me not to worry because she had witnessed women who had cervix's that shortened to 1 cm and still were able to get their babies to term.

However, when my doctor met with me later in the appointment I approached him with my fears and instincts about the internal ultrasound and he did not share my same views. He dismissed my fears and said that it was impossible that the transvaginal wand would make me cramp, feel inflamed cervically, and have contractions. I shared with him my conversations with the moms in my preemie support group and the similar experiences the have also had but this did not deter him. He informed me matter-of-factly that I apparently had an allergy to latex and that is why I was experiencing such symptoms. I was a bit taken aback especially since I have never had any indication I am allergic to latex. So when I explained to him that my ultrasound technician said she could see my cervix with the stomach probe, he said that was fine as long as she could see it that way and if not she would have to use the internal ultrasound. More or less I was told I didn't have a choice because he had to be able to know the length of my cervix every time they did the ultrasound. At least my tech understood and although she explained as the baby grows she might not be able to see the cervix with the stomach probe she would respect my wishes and always try to use the stomach probe first.

My birthday was last Saturday and knowing how worried and stressed I have been lately my sister took me for a prenatal massage and dinner. It was the most wonderful present and really helped me to finally relax. The prenatal table was amazing and had a cutout for my belly -- super comfy. I think it was the first time since I started experiencing some complications that I forgot and just lived in the moment. I was very relaxed and realized that I have been also tensing the muscles in my back, stomach, shoulders. I think I need to start going for weekly massages.

The baby has been kicking mostly at night starting at 10 pm through the wee hours of the morning. His kicks are becoming very strong and my husband has now been able to feel them. I love the feeling of his kicks because it lets me know he is still there and thriving. I've learned from my past pregnancies with my girls that usually their wake cycles in-utero are a good indicator of wake cycles after birth, so it looks like we will have another night owl like my oldest daughter. Right now, my youngest has some sleep disturbances that wake her a few hours after falling asleep, but we are working on that with her doctor. She is really a morning person and is ready to start her day most days at 5 am. I have a feeling her sleeping will even out just as or son is born.

Week 22 - Face and Arm

Today I turned 22 weeks and I feel like it is a major milestone. Three years ago at 22 weeks in my last pregnancy, I was lying in a hospital bed in trendelenburg position hoping I would be able to get my child to a viable point where she could live outside of my womb. I am thankful that although I have had some complications with this pregnancy, I am still holding strong and am able to be at home with my family. Earlier this week I started weekly appointments with the doctor and bi-weekly appointments for an ultrasound.

However, with that said I want to honest that it has been very difficult to manage my stress level worrying about the pregnancy, taking care of the girls on bedrest, and trying to keep the house cleaned. I think if I can manage my stress level and not worry so much, I will be okay. As a perfectionist by nature, it has been hard to relinquish control and wait for others to help me with daily housework, etc. With two young children messes happen very quickly and in trying not to jump up and clean up after them as I normally would, the house tends to get very messy. I'm generally someone who tries to be super woman by getting everything done in record time trying to do everything myself, so relying on others does not come easy to me. But I am learning, I know I have to for my child.

My husband has been great about helping me around the house and bless his heart for understanding when I am picky about how the cleaning of our wood floors and other housework, etc should be done. It might be hard for non-perfectionists to understand but it really is a process of letting go and just appreciating the help. I'm working on it. I know I have to for our growing baby boy. My husband is working on completing the last 5 classes of his masters degree and works full time. I am very proud of him for his accomplishments and know that me being on modified bed rest has been hard for him too. Eventually, I think we might have to hire someone to help with housework, and perhaps a in-home nanny who can help part time with the girls while I get the baby to term. Both of my children are super bored since mommy has not been able to go for our regular walks to the park and just have our normal day, but they are also both excited about their new brother on the way. With all of that said, I still know growing our family is the right thing for us and I really don't have that much longer before I will be term.

In many ways, since I had not had the dream about my grandpa in a while, I am positive my subconscious by way of my grandpa is trying to tell me to free my spirit and just let go of the control I always need to have on my life. I need to let go for my baby boy so I can get him to full term. I started this journey knowing the risks, and honestly it could be much worse at this point so I am choosing today to relax, to find the humor in situations. I am going to start meditating again as I know this is a very helpful tool.

Thank you for reading this weeks blog! Sorry I was so late with it. As always we appreciate all the prayers and support! Stay tuned for week 22 adventures!

Boy Oh Boy! Week 20

2011-05-31T12:42:00.031-06:00

It's been confirmed with a second ultrasound, we are definitely having a boy! My two year old has been telling me for weeks that the baby was a boy. She has been pointing to my growing belly and saying "Hi Guy!" The ultrasound machine they used this time was not the best for capturing great scrap booking images, but at least it's something. I'm not sharing the one where they point to his parts, only the one of his side face profile. They promised me we would use the better machine at my week 21 appointment next week. At week 28, I will get a 3D image so I am definitely looking forward to that one!

Week 19 proved, by far, to be one of the most difficult and most emotional. I started to feel much better from everything that happened in week 17, both physically and emotionally but then had a little setback that brought up some apparently unresolved emotions from my last pregnancy. When I went in for my week 19 ultrasound on May 24, I noticed upon leaving the appointment I started to feel some heaviness again in my lower abdomen, increased uterine irritability, and just overall felt sick after the ultrasound. It didn't make sense to me, especially since I was feeling great when I went in for the appointment. But I think I am convinced why this is happening.

As with week 17, I spent the next two days feeling like I had completed a vigorous ab routine and feeling pressure in my cervix. Some of the cues my body has been giving me surround a reaction that I believe my body is having to the way we do my ultrasounds. I've been worrying that the internal ultrasound method that we have to use to check on my cerclage is to blame for my increased symptoms in week 19. My instinct tells me that the internal wand probe is causing further uterine irritability and I plan to discuss it with my OB at my next appointment. Starting week 21, I will begin going in for weekly appointments with ultrasound. I questioned my OB about the internal ultrasound and he said for now all of them will be done with the internal wand because it is the only way to get a good look at my cerclage and cervix.
"I would like to reiterate that an incompetent cervix is not a life sentence. Many, many women have gone on to grow their families after IC... "

However, given symptoms I consistently experience after this ultrasound I don't think we should do them anymore until I at least have the baby to a viable point. It makes sense that anything inserted vaginally when I am already experiencing complications would further aggravate the situation. I've spoken with some of the ladies in my preemie support group and several confirmed they've had similar complications with the internal ultrasound and for most of them their doctor did only the external ultrasound probe unless there was an immediate concern. Since I noticed some slight spotting after the last ultrasound, when I had nothing of the sort until after that appointment, I can only surmise it was from the ultrasound.

Which leads me to wish I had a different kind of cerclage. At my most recent appointment, the doctor had a student in his office observing. I allowed her to come in for my appointment with the doctor. He explained my complicated case history to her and why I was considered high risk. Interestingly enough, we also discussed the other kind of cerclage -- a trans abdominal cerclage or TAC. The difference between the cervical cerclage, which is what I have, and the TAC option is that a cervical cerclage is put in place by a surgical method vaginally and can not be placed very high due to limitations. My doctor explained to her that for me he felt that we should try the cervical cerclage method first. (I have to wonder if the decision was insurance based - see paragraph on TAC and insurance companies below.)

(See Abbyloopers Foundation. "A non-profit organization which exists to raise awareness about the Transabdominal Cerclage as well as to educate and support women diagnosed with Cervical Insufficiency, otherwise known as Incompetent Cervix, and to provide resources for medical professionals." )

The TAC option is generally done pre-pregnancy (and sometimes in the very early stages of pregnancy), by an incision made in the lower abdomen, generally in the same location as c-section. The TAC cerclage is then placed as high as possible where the uterus and the cervix join eliminating the funneling like I have had so far in my pregnancy.  The TAC option also limits infections that often happen with the cervical cerclages and most women enjoy living a lifestyle with few limitations and rarely go on bed rest. With a TAC of cerclage, many insurance companies require a diagnosis of deep traumatized cervix, a shortened cervix, and previous failed cerclages. Many insurance companies will also require a history of incompetent cervix to be documented before a TAC may be deemed medically necessary. It seems crazy to me that one incompetent cervix would not suffice, it's not like your cervix is going to repair itself and suddenly become strong enough to carry subsequent pregnancies.

If we opt for more children later, I will definitely want to have TAC type of cerclage in place given the complications I have experienced thus far.  Also, the number of women in my preemie support group claim that after having the TAC they would never go back to a cervical cerclage. Most describe still taking it easy as a precaution but being able to work, take care of older siblings, and enjoy a normal healthy pregnancy where most describe going full term without any complications. Part of me wishes I had the TAC cerclage in place now, but I am going to remain positive that the cervical cerclage will do it's just job and I will continue to listen to the cues my body has given me thus far. I am already armed with discussion points on why I do not want the internal ultrasound probe anywhere near me until I know the baby is viable. Many women, also in my preemie support group have described that their doctors had the tech not insert the probe but place it near the perineum and it worked to see the cerclage and cervix. I can say for sure it will not be an option at my week 21 appointment next week as I am just starting to feel better again.

I am doing my best to take it easy and follow my doctors orders, however I do have to say it is quite difficult with a two year old who doesn't understand why mommy can't pick her up, and a four year old who tells me constantly she's bored. But having said that my four year old was so wonderful last week, she knows that I have been trying to drink lots of water as instructed by my doctor, so at one point when I wasn't feeling well she got a glass and poured me some ice water to drink. Both she and my two year old brought it to me on the couch. Bless their hearts. I was so touched. I know they don't quite understand why mommy can't do all the things that she normally does right now (like take them to the park, or run around playing with them), but they have been amazing little troopers. My sister has been great about helping out by either coming over so her kiddos can play with them or allowing them to spend the day at her house.

I know we will get through this and my baby boy will be born full term, healthy, happy and ready to come home with mommy and daddy! I know it is still hard for some friends and family to understand why I would put myself through this to have one more child, but it is worth it and I have no doubt in my mind that it is the right thing for us. I did receive a comment this week that I don't believe the person had any ill intention in mind, however the comment came across as insensitive considering the news I had just shared. I received a call asking how I was doing and and when I explained some of the issues the person said "This is exactly what I was worried was going to happen when you said you were pregnant again. I hope it will be okay." Unfortunately, I took it to mean "I told you so." I know, in my heart, this person did not mean it the way it sounded and so I have chosen to overlook it. It's just interesting the conversations we've had since many close to us found out that we were expecting again. I would like to reiterate that an incompetent cervix is not a life sentence. Many, many women have gone on to grow their families after IC and have had full term pregnancies.

Despite these conversations, we've had a lot of supportive people reach out to us and my husband and I very much appreciate the outpouring of support we've had so far.  Please keep the comments coming! We want to hear from you. Some people have said that they have experienced some troubles leaving comments on the site, but that should be fixed now. You do not have to be signed in to google to leave a message. Just click on the link below this post that says "Please leave me a comment."

Week 19: Stay Inside - It's Safer There!

2011-05-22T16:50:00.010-06:00

For the past two weeks I have spent more time resting on the couch than I have in my entire life. I wish I could say it's because I've just had that much free time. Being someone who's constantly on the go, and likes to keep my house at least somewhat orderly, I've had a hard time allowing others to help me. I realize though I don't really have a choice. Unfortunately, my follow-up appointment that I had been looking forward to since my cerclage procedure, did not go as I had planned. This appointment was supposed to be routine just to check on the cerclage as well as determine the sex of the baby.

When my husband and I made the decision to try for one more child, we knew there would be risks. I guess I just hoped that I wouldn't encounter any of them so soon. My OB appointment at 17 weeks gestation, started out normal enough. My husband took some time off work and met me at the doctors office so he could also learn the sex of our child and get to see the ultrasound live. The ultrasound tech and I joked around as we normally do. She has been my ultrasound tech for my last two pregnancies over the past several years and we have built a rapport. She normally takes her time allowing us to get a good glimpse of our baby on the monitor as well as tries to get some great images of our little one so we have a nice keepsake to take home. We share stories about our week, children, and generally just chat like old girlfriends while she is looking at the baby. Being a high risk pregnancy with my previous two pregnancies, I get an ultrasound at almost every appointment which does wonders to ease my mind. But this visit was different. I didn't get peace of mind, instead I gained one more reason for my already worried over-worked brain to conjure up images of "what if" scenarios.

During this particular appointment the technician had to do transvaginal ultrasound in order to have a good view of the cerclage and make sure that everything was still in place. We were also going to be measuring the size of the baby to make sure baby is growing, and determining if my posterior tilted uterus had started to return to a normal position. As soon as the exam started I noticed a familiar tightening at the top of my stomach near my upper ribs. It felt as if I had just completed a vigorous ab workout. I could clearly feel the baby moving around. My bladder suddenly felt very full and heavy. My tech was very quiet as she observed my cervix on the screen. Her lack of conversation was unusual for her.

In my normal chatty way, I began to tell her about some strange sensations that I had earlier in the week. "I don't think I am having contractions but my stomach has felt very full. It's a sensation that doesn't come and go, but has been more constant over the last 3 days. It also feels like my bladder is very full and is sort of painful." No answer. "I think I might just be constipated." I continued trying to break the silence and offer my self-diagnosis.

She looked over at me, smiled, and said "Do you both want to know the sex of the baby?" "Yes," my husband and I replied in unison. I thought perhaps everything was okay since she didn't respond to my initial comment. Finally, she replied "Congratulations! You're going to have some testosterone in your family! What I am looking at surely can't be another limb, considering where it is placed. We'll confirm though at your next appointment, I need to go talk to the doctor really quickly. Be right back."

I looked over at my husband and my heart sank. "Wait! You have to level with me before you walk out the door What's going on?" She sat back down and showed me the images from the ultrasound. She explained that when we first started the ultrasound she could clearly see my cerclage and everything looked great, but as she moved the probe around she suddenly saw the canal of the cervix open slightly and then promptly shut. She said this happened three times during the short exam. She also said that it was highly unusual and she needed to see what the doctor thought about it. She told me not to worry as the cerclage was doing its job to hold the cervix shut, but my mind couldn't help but suddenly revert to my last pregnancy and the day I was flipped upside down with my feet in the air in trendelenburg position. On that day I was told my baby wouldn't make it past 24 hours, but we were going to try to see if it would reverse the dilation of my cervix. My husband was speechless, but I could read his thoughts nonetheless and I tried to offer words of comfort but instead they sounded much like empty promises floating through the air. Here we go again. Damnit!

Your mind has a way of overreacting if you let it. I wasn't flipped upside down in trendelenburg position that day, instead I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to go home and get off my feet indefinitely until I got the baby to term. Apparently, my cervix was still closed, but it was working hard to try to open. I was having contractions and the pain on my bladder was due to the position of my posterior tilted uterus, the placement of the placenta and the location of the baby sitting right on my bladder. The reason I have been able to feel the babies movements so clearly, and so early, have been because of the placement of my uterus. Unfortunately, until my uterus began to tilt to a normal angle once my pregnancy progressed I would feel some uncomfortable movement on my bladder.

Relief and yet sudden grief set in. I began to go over all of my activities in the last three days from when I started to feel what in my heart I knew were contractions, but tried to convince myself were gastrointestinal complications. I confessed to the doctor that I had a sip of coffee on mother's day and that the night before my appointment we had pizza and I was craving a coke, so I had one -- a 20 oz bottle of coke.

"It was only 58mg and I read somewhere I could have under 200 mg. I never have caffeine while I am pregnant, but I've felt so good with this pregnancy, better than I have ever felt, and I didn't think some sips of coffee and a coke would cause so many problems." I told him hoping for some redemption. I continued in my I-always-say-too-much kind of way, "I also walked through Costco but we weren't there for long. I needed to get out of the house. But I rested for the entire day afterwards."

For more information on caffeine content in the foods and drinks you consume click this link: Caffeine Content

His left hand fell to rest on his hip and he rubbed his chin with the other hand. Brows furrowed he finally replied,"Christine, there are no second chances with this pregnancy. You have one chance to get it right." Ouch. It's not like I didn't know this. I mean, after all, I learned a painful lesson in my last pregnancy that I needed to slow down and not try to be super woman. Even though everyone spent a lot of time trying to convince me that the business trip I took just prior to my youngest daughters early delivery was not to blame, I still blame myself for going when I knew I wasn't feeling very well. When my daughter was in the neonatal intensive care unit for 97 days, a nurse offered her opinion that I should never have flown on a plane. That's what did it she told me matter-of-factly. My doctor of course said otherwise, but her words stung. I would never knowingly do something to harm my growing baby inside my womb. My children are my world.

I relented. I had no words. I screwed up. "Okay. I get it." He smiled at me, "I know I don't have to tell you these things. I know you get it, but I want you to realize this is the one time in your life when you can allow yourself to be a princess. Ask others for help. LET others help you. Stay off your feet. Let's get this baby to full term." He informed me that caffeine in any amount when you are a high risk pregnancy already is dangerous and that standing on my feet for long periods of time would put my pregnancy in jeopardy. He then said that the next step was hospital bed rest. I glanced over at my silent husband who had somehow managed to find a piece of Velcro of all things on the floor that he was winding around his finger over and over as he listened to the doctor. The Velcro made a scratching sound as he wound it around his finger and I realized at this point how scared he was. My husband had to return to work, but walking out to our cars he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me we would figure it out. I knew we would and I tried to think positively, but I couldn't help but wonder what the future held for our baby.

Luckily I had help the day of my appointment since my mom had been watching the girls for me. I slept the rest of the day, cried, mentally beat myself up, and felt miserable because the contractions were getting worse. By 3am the next morning I was so uncomfortable I felt like I had been working out my abs non-stop for days. I put in a call to the doctor and he was working at the hospital so he had me meet him there.I was starting to feel some relief from the tightening of my ab muscles, but my bladder was still feeling very uncomfortable. The monitors at the hospital showed I was having "uterine irritability" which combined with my ultrasound the day before showing the my cervix was attempting to open, meant I needed something to calm my uterus.

Needless to say, I am now on Procardia, a cardiac medication that is often used during pregnancy to help with slowing contractions. My doctor also started me on 17P progesterone shots to help with preventing premature labor. We had originally planned to start the shots at week 20, but in this instance my doctor felt it was important to start them now to prevent premature labor. In the hospital, they gave me a series of 3 Procardia pills spaced out every 20 minutes. The prescription I have at home is a 30mg time released dose that I take two times a day. Within an hour of receiving the Procardia in the hospital I immediately noticed a difference in my uterus and relief from my aching stomach muscles. One thing that I thought was strange was that although I had been emptying my bladder all day, it was still really hurting. It felt incredibly full as it had since my appointment the day before. After an hour and a half in the hospital I suddenly had to sprint to the bathroom where my bladder suddenly released. I had to laugh because it felt like I would never stop going to the bathroom. I felt immediate relief once my bladder was empty and after a couple hours in the hospital I was sent home to rest.

I have to say that Procardia is a strange medication. The first two nights after I started Procardia, I felt drunk and out of my head. It made me very, very hot and my face incredibly flushed with a bright red mask almost identical to a lupus butterfly rash. It also makes you very constipated. Not something a pregnant women needs to have since pregnancy already does a good job of slowing down the gastrointestinal tract. I have since become accustomed to Procardia, but it does cause some hilacious headaches and still does a number on me with the constipation. I was told to take Milk of Magnesia every night to help and it is actually a great medication, it just tastes terrible. Even though my doctor doesn't want me having caffeine of any sort, he told me to get Excedrin Migraine for my migraine headaches that I am now getting. When my husband brought home the Excedrin I read the ingredients and burst out laughing that it has as much caffeine it as the coke I had a couple of nights before my ultrasound! Surely he didn't mean for me to take this?

The progesterone shots are administered by injection into the flesh of my gluteus maximus, alternating cheeks weekly. Although everything I have read states that there is minimal pain, I disagree. It hurts a lot. The progesterone is thick and seems to take forever to be injected. I hurt for about two days afterwards and have troubles sitting due to a stinging, burning sensation when pressure is applied to the injection site, whih of course is everytime I sit down. Because I am on aspirin as well, I bleed a lot afterwards and get a bruise that lasts for more than a week. But it is worth it, if the shot saves my baby's life. I was telling someone the other day, I've been through worse so I can handle this shot.

I am doing my best to take it easy. It's definitely been a roller coaster as it is hard to lay around when you have a precocious 4 year old and high energy 2 year old. I didn't want to impose on anyone to help me with this pregnancy and was hoping I wouldn't have to, but my mom has been wonderful and I am lucky that I have had someone to lean on. I can certainly feel when it is getting close to time to take my Procardia because I start to get that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I am hoping and praying that I can get this baby to a point where he will live and not be born prematurely. I am going to heed my doctors advice and although my youngest daughter will be starting some new therapies where we will have people coming to the house, they will just have to understand if my house isn't spotless like it usually would be.

My next doctor appointment and ultrasound is tomorrow (Monday) and I will hopefully have an ultrasound picture that I can share with everyone. I feel the baby move daily. His kicks are incredibly strong. Even though they have to still confirm the sex of the baby, I feel confident I am carrying a boy just because this pregnancy has been exponentially different than my last two. Will post again later this week after my appointment.

For more information:

Caffeine Content of Common Drinks/Food: http://www.cspinet.org/new/cafchart.htm
Caffeine and Pregnancy: http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/caffeine.html
Uterine Irritability: http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/health_wellness/complications/article/contractions-irritable-uterus
Procardia During Pregnancy: http://www.healthcentral.com/heart-disease/h/procardia-during-pregnancy.html
17P Progesterone: http://www.mombaby.org/index.php?c=2&s=58&p=337