Pregnant Chicken

Hospital Bag – What to Pack

Pregnant Chicken — Mon, 21 May 2012 20:14:24 +0000

I remember being about 32 weeks pregnant and all the conversation at work switched from, "How ya feeling?" to "Are you packed yet?".

You really don't need much to have a baby. Got your vagina? Packed!

However, if you're having a hospital birth, there are a few things to make your stay a little more pleasant. Here's the list I came up with, but feel free to let me know what you took, or are taking.

For You:

Pillow: Hospital pillows are about the thickness of a communion wafer – maybe it's so you can't smother someone with them to get your inheritance early, dunno – so it's always nice to have a pillow from home. Not only is more comfortable, but your pillow kind of smells like your bed and that's always comforting.

Flip flops: There's a good chance you will need to walk around at some point so a lot of women take slippers. A friend of mine told me to take flip flops because you can wear them in the shower and I will be forever grateful because the shower in my hospital looked liked a scene out of Seven. My feet also swelled beyond the width of a slipper, so I was lucky to have the flip flops to accommodate the charming loaves of baked bread formerly known as my feet.

Socks: I wore them with my flip flops. I didn't see any sign saying "Victoria Secret runway", so Haters could suck it.

Sports bra or Nursing Bra: You may or may not need this one but it's nice to have if you want to contain the post birth boobs. I was so obsessed with breastfeeding the first time around that a bra was the last thing on my mind, but bras are small enough that they can get tucked in a bag without taking up too much space and if you want one, there isn't much of a substitute, so you may as well take it, or even better, wear it when you go in.

PJs and robe: Again, I didn't wear my pajamas or robe because I wasn't in the hospital very long, but it is nice to have a little sliver of home to make you feel that much more human. There's only so long you can walk around in one of those shear sheets with your ass hanging out before you lose your mind.

Underwear: Bring something ratty that can be thrown out or burned later. You will have to wear some kind of maxi pads to deal with lochia (a lovely term, I know.) so this isn't the time to pack a thong. Maternity underwear is probably your best bet to guarantee a comfy fit.

Maxi Pads: Most hospitals will supply you with maxi pads to deal with the post birth bleeding, but I suspect they are shipped by the crate with ACME printed on the side. They are usually thick and kind of diaper'ish so it's nice to have something that has wings, propellers and whatever other cutting edge technology maxi pads keep coming up with. That said, hospital pads are free so load up on the thunder pads if they don't bother you.

Towel: You can never go wrong with a towel – they are the multi-tools of a hospital stay. Use it to sit on if you're in labour on the way to the hospital to spare your seats if your water breaks (a bit). Take it in the shower with your during your stay. Cover anything gross that you may need to lie on like a questionable pillow or couch arm. It's always a good go to item to always have on hand.

Trash bag: Don't take this to the hospital but leave it in your car to sit on if your water breaks before or on the way to the hospital. Saves on detailing and isn't a bad thing to have in your glove box anyway.

Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, brush, contact lens solution and case, glasses, chapstick, hairband or hair tie, hand sanitizer, or anything else your would take to stay over night somewhere. There are some gross moments that sometimes comes with birth so don't add chapped lips to them.

Lanolin or nipple cream: If you're planning to breastfeed, take this along just in case the road is a little rocky.

Makeup: You can also add makeup to the list if that's important to you for photo ops. I didn't wear makeup because I thought it seemed petty and, "who the hell was I kidding?", but now I wish I had because I looked like death in those first photos – hot, puffy, death – so there are no first photo of me and each of my kids where I don't look completely awful.

Gum and Gatorade: I don't know what kind of desert air they pump through a hospital, but it's dry. My hat goes off to you if you work in one because I don't know how you don't look like a raisinette. I ate ice chips by the metric ton when I was in labour but the odd stick of gum and sip of gatorade really hit the spot when I wasn't allowed to eat. Gum is also good for your spouse who may have been drinking a gallon of coffee just before getting up in your face to say your doing a great job and to practice breathing exercises. Feelings may get hurt if you scream, "you breath smells like the ass of alley cat" in the heat of the moment. Take gum.

Snacks: If you are in labour there is a good chance you will not be allowed to eat in case you need to have surgery quickly, however, if you've been given the green light to nibble have a little something delicious on hand so you're not stuck with hospital apple sauce at 3am.

Trashy magazines: Especially if you're being induced, there is often a lot of hurry up and wait time. Take something light so you don't have to think too much and you can just thumb through. When it's time to go home, try to leave them as well. It's doubtful you'll want to read them at home and the nurses or other patients may enjoy reading them too.

I.D. and Insurance: "I'm sorry, you want to know who I am and to pay for this birth?!"

Tech stuff: If you're like me, you'll need to take your cell phone (even if you're not allowed to use it) to get everyone's number if you want to make a call. You can also play games and surf the web if you're in a bit of a labour limbo. Take your charger too.

Pen and phone numbers: Pens are always scarce and you, or your partner, are going to need to fill out forms. Phone numbers are good to take so you can keep playing Angry Birds while your husband goes off to call your hysterical sister to say, "the baby still isn't here yet."

Birth Plan: I've talked about birth plans and how my plan was "to have a baby", but it's never a bad idea to have a general plan of what you'd like to do (or not do) so everyone is singing off the same song sheet.

Camera: Someone, at some point, will want to see a photo of this kid so here's a good chance to capture a couple. Here are some cool photography ideas in this post and on one of my Pinterest boards too.

Going home outfit: Let me be really straight here, you ain't leaving the hospital wearing pre-baby clothes so don't bother packing them. Pack something clean and comfortable and that's it. Maxi dress. Yoga pants and a t-shirt. Nun halloween costume. Doesn't matter, just make sure it's comfy.

For Baby:

Diapers: Most hospitals will give you a few but it's a good idea to bring your own whether you're going to use cloth or disposable. It's not a bad idea to bring size newborn and size 1 as my 10lb baby never fit the smaller size.

Wipes: Again, hospitals may or may not supply you with wipes so it's a good idea to have them on hand.

Soothers: I was all anti-soother until my son was born and my milk didn't come in. Soothers are awesome and I will fight that fact to the death. Take a few different kinds with you to see what fits the bill, although, I had one child that loved soothers and one that didn't care for them so they are a little hit and miss. Again, small enough to tuck in the bag so take 'em along.

Scratch mittens: My baby wore scratch mittens in the hospital and that was it because they kept falling off and he'd scratch both of us with their little talons so I ended up trimming his nails after and few days at home. Newborns have wafer thin nails so wait until you're a little "with it" before you trim their nails (whether with trimmers or by biting them) as there isn't a huge difference between the feeling of their nails and the feeling of their skin. There are plenty of things to feel guilty about with being a mother so let's not add removing the tip of a finger to the list in the first few days.

Hat: The hospital will often give you a hat, but take a little one just in case. Personally, I didn't use hats much once I got home but people believe in hats on babies with an old lady vengence and a hat war was pretty low on my priority list at the time so I just rolled with it.

Receiving blanket: Like a towel, receiving blankets can be used for a variety of things. Wrapping a baby up. Used as a nursing cover if you're not feeling comfortable with putting on a boob show yet. Wiping little mouths, hands, feet. As a car seat cover to block the sun when you leave the hospital. You can't go wrong. I recommend a cheap thin one as they seem to be the most versitile in the beginning.

Going home outfit: Some people go all nuts with this (I did the first time around) and dressed them like they are greeting the queen. If you aren't sentimental about this, take a onesie or sleeper to take them home in. I didn't factor in the inexperience of dressing a newborn (less than a day after giving birth) into the equation and it was an awkward and unpleasant experience for both of us. Keep it simple and axe anything with buttons – zippers and snaps are the way to go.

Baby book: If you have a baby keepsake book and a kind nurse that has time to help you out, you may be able to score some footprints from a seasoned pro that can get a good impression for you.

Nursing pillow: I wasn't going to add this to the list because I personally think home pillow trumps nursing pillow and you don't want to rent a uhaul to take all your crap to the hospital, but a lot of women listed this as an essential. Breastfeeding can be really tricky for some people (me included) so every little bit helps. Even if you don't want to take it in for the initial check in, you can put it in the car and send someone down for it if you want to use it.

Car seat: I don't think there is any hospital out there that will let you leave the hospital without a car seat (I guess if you're taking the bus home it's another story). So leave it in the car and bring it up as you're packing up to leave.

For Your Spouse:

Toothbrush, deodorant and underwear: My friend thought she was going into labour and called her husband at home and told him to pack a bag and meet her at the hospital. It was a false alarm but when he got there he had packed his hockey jersey, some toothpaste (no toothbrush) and a pair of her socks. I shit you not. More than likely your spouse will be able to leave and take care of himself (or herself) but if never hurts to take some emergency essentials just in case they unhinged in the flury of birth.

What not to take:

Jewelry: You will need to take it off and leave it unattended. Leave it at home.

Baby nail clippers: Manis and pedis along with hair brushing, bathing, etc. can wait for home so don't bother bringing those things along.

Nursing pads: If you're lucky enough to have your milk come in right of the bat you're not going to be leaking anytime soon. They can stay at home.

As with all things, what some one finds essential, someone else will find frivolous, but this gives you an idea of all the things you may or may not have thought of. If you want a list to print off, you can download it here.

Lastly, it's always a nice gesture to leave a "thank you" for the hospital staff.

I brought a jar of Hershy kisses the first time and that went over really well. My mother took in a basket of bananas, apples, granola bars, and other healthier snacks that didn't need to be refridgerated, for the hospital staff that took care of my grandfather.

Nurses in particular do a lot of gross shit for you while you're in there so, even if it's small, it's nice to say, "thank you for holding a bed pan while I vomit. I really appreciated that."

I forgot the second time. I'm a dick, I know.

Hope the list helps and let me know what I forgot.

Happy Mother's Day

Pregnant Chicken — Sun, 13 May 2012 13:27:30 +0000

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful Fillies!

Whether it's your first or you've lost count, let me salute you for doing the hardest, most important and thankless job on earth – let's be honest, all therapy sessions lead back to you.

If you weren't already aware of the fantastic Mother Pucker Project from the brilliant ladies from Rants from Mommyland who shoot laser beams out of their bums and burp glitter because they are so awesome, then hop on over and check it out.

Moving forward, I'm going to hijack the Clean Birth Kit portion of this project because I think it's important and it's an easy way for us to help mother's all over the world. So feel free to make a donation and keep an eye out for a yet to be created button on the sidebar.

Have a wonderful Mother's Day, you wonderful army of snot covered warriors!

Scary Shit Series – Preeclampsia

Pregnant Chicken — Wed, 02 May 2012 17:20:08 +0000

If preeclampsia was a person, it would be that unassuming guy at a party that farts then walks away from a conversation to go piss in the punch when no one is looking.

It seems quiet and harmless, but it's sneaky and mean.

Approximately 6-8% of women develop preeclampsia and it usually develops after 20 weeks of pregnancy and can occur up to six weeks after you've had the baby. Although, 37 weeks pregnant to 48 hours post delivery tends to be the sweet spot for rearing its ugly head.

What happens is your blood vessels constrict for no apparent reason (there are many theories but I won't get into that here) causing your blood pressure to rise.

A few things tend to happen because of this "squeezing" caused by the high blood pressure, your kidneys leak extra protein into your urine, and your capillaries leak fluid into your tissue cells which can often makes your face, hands and eyes swell up (called edema). If you don't address it, this pressure can also damage your kidneys, liver and brain, and it can restrict the blood flow to the placenta, often leading to smaller or prematurely born babies. After that, you can get into seizures, then it is eclampsia and it can be life threatening to both mom and baby.

That's the scary part. If left unchecked, it can go from nothing to something fairly quickly and the only real cure for preeclampsia is having your baby. That is why medical professionals are very twitchy about it, and it's one of the reasons you are constantly having your blood pressure taken and having to pee in a cup at your pre-natal appointments.

The good news is that it rarely gets that ugly. More than likely you will be put on bed rest and you'll be monitored. If the preeclampsia doesn't cooperate, then you'll be admitted to the hospital and more than likely given magnesium sulfate intravenously to prevent seizures, and medication to lower your blood pressure. If you're past 34 weeks, then your doctor or midwife may suggest that you be induced or have a c-section.

So here's what to watch out for:

Swelling:

Swelling of the hands, face and eyes in particular. Your feet often swell when you're pregnant but it's when you're getting puffy in the face, or if it comes on suddenly, that it's a bit of a flag. Now, let's be honest, I got 'puffy' all over when I was pregnant and could have been cast as Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so I'm not sure I would have noticed this one. Still, it's a good symptom to watch for. If you notice when you press on your skin you still have a dent where your finger was, then hustle to the hospital to get checked out – that's not a "wait and see" sign.

Sudden Weight Gain:

If your body is leaking fluid into your tissue, then your body isn't getting rid of it so that often translates into a rapid gaining of weight. Anything over two pounds a week is something to make note of. (Again, this from the woman who gained 5 pounds in a week although, I think I was retaining Dairy Queen and not fluid.)

Nausea or vomiting:

You *should* be over any morning sickness at this point so nausea and vomiting that kinda comes out of left field should be brought to your doctor or midwife's attention.

Severe pain below your ribs and/or shoulder pain:

Don't ignore pain that's just below your right ribs or your right shoulder. (I guess it's sound advice not to ignore any kind of severe pain). Shoulder pain can feel like someone is deeply pinching you along the bra strap or on your neck, or it can be painful to lie on your right side. Again, toddle on down to the hospital if you think you're experiencing this one because your body may be telling you, "hey lady, something is wrong with your liver", and you need your liver.

Headaches and/or changes in vision:

A persistent and/or severe headache is another one to watch out for, along with vision changes, including temporary blindness, seeing flashing lights or spots, sensitivity to light, and blurry vision. Again, your body may be telling you that your blood flow is being seriously restricted and to seek some medical attention. STAT.

"Why thank you! I'm pregnant so I'm completely unfamiliar with swelling and weight gain" you say sarcastically. This is one of the many reason preeclampsia is such a dick. Not only does it often present similar symptoms to a normal pregnancy, you may have no symptoms at all and be completely floored by the news that you have this potentially dangerous condition. This is why it's important to pee in a cup all the time and it's why your blood pressure is seemingly taken every ten seconds after you've had a baby.

The following may also put you at higher risk for preeclampsia:

Pregnant for the first time.
A family history of preeclampsia
A 10-year or longer gap between pregnancies.
Had pre-eclampsia in a previous pregnancy.
Over the age of 40, or under 20
Obese before becoming pregnant, with a body mass index (BMI) of 30 or more.
Multiple fetuses
An existing medical problem, such as kidney disease or high blood pressure.
Diabetes

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If you have been diagnosed with preeclampsia and want to get more information about it, I found preeclampsia.org was a really helpful resource.

Scary Shit Series

Pregnant Chicken — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 13:38:02 +0000

Whether it's something we read, saw on the news, or have a personal experience with it, there is always one or two things that just haunt our damn world when we have a baby.

So I wanted to feature some of these topics, not to scare you more, but just to arm you with some of the facts, signs and precautions you can take to ease your mind – even if it's just a little.

This also isn't intended to step on the toes of any medical professionals, in fact, I'd like to make the roads of communication even better there. It's so much easier to raise a concern when you know what you're looking for rather just saying something is "off".

I'm going to start with topics you can actually do something about instead of issues that would just be creating awareness but I'll get to those too. Just be patient as my to-do list gets longer everyday.

So hang onto the shark, grab a stick of dynamite and stay tuned for the exhilarating ride of terror.

8 Steps on How to Deliver a Baby (just in case)

Pregnant Chicken — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:20:30 +0000

I had a dream/nightmare a few nights ago that I was on the Ellen DeGeneres show that had an entire audience of pregnant women. I was so excited to talk about pregnancy and my asshattery when a woman went into labour.

Of course no one in the audience knew anything about delivering a baby – no doctors, no midwives, no L&D nurses, nothing – so everyone just assumed I could do it and I got that same pant-shitting feeling when I'm in my underwear at high school and there is a math exam for a course I didn't know I was enrolled in.

Anyway, I decided I better look this little tidbit up, and wondered if maybe you and your loved ones could use this too. I mean what if you go into labour in the middle of nowhere, or when the elevator is out, or when the zombie apocalypse hits!? You can't get to a damn hospital when the zombie apocalypse hits! That's where the zombies will go first!

So grab a pen and let's get 'edumacated'!

Step 1: Don't Freak Out.

I know, easy for me to say with a zombie apocalypse happening, but it really is true that women do this everyday squatting in a field somewhere. So try not to go cray cray even if you are alone.

Step 2: Call for Help

Ideally call 911. This isn't because birth is an emergency, this is because you need to talk to someone that isn't going to scare the shit out of you or start crying. Sometimes the scariest part of doing something, is doing it alone, so get on the horn and get someone in your corner whether you're delivering someone's baby, or delivering your own. If you think you can get a hold of your midwife or doctor instead, go for it.

Step 3: Unlock the Front Door or Pull the Car Over

Unlock your front door so help can get in without you having to leave the situation. As for a car, there is kind of a moment where you realize this is happening, so there's no point in barreling down the highway and flying through red lights. More than likely mom is going to have to take her seatbelt off and that is not when you want to be driving like something out of Grand Theft Auto. If you are the one in labour and behind the wheel, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a person exiting your body is distracting and you'd be best to pull over.

Step 4: Get Prepared and Take Mom's Lead

If you have time, wash your hands. It seems like a no brainer but I can see how that could easily be forgotten in the thick of things. Feel free to throw the shower curtain on the bed and cover it with towels, however, if mom wants to squat, lie down, sit in a chair, let her do it. If she doesn't care, the best spot is probably is floor because you can't fall off the floor if you're a slippery baby.

The most important things is that mom is comfortable. You can clean/burn anything that gets dirty if you have to so don't get all damn twitchy if she's delivering on your leather car seats, because believe me she would rather not be giving birth there either.

Step 5: Get Ready to Catch

You are just catching so when you see the head starting to emerge, don't be pulling anything. Slow and steady is what you're going for here. Simply cup the baby's head with your hands and support it as it comes out. The baby will turn as it is delivered.

Step 6: Deal with the Head

Use a clean towel to wipe away fluid and membrane from baby's airway by stroking downwards on the nose and mouth.

If the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, don't worry about it. If the cord is tight just keep the baby's head close to the mother's body and untangle the baby as it emerges. Don't worry about cutting the cord either.

Step 7: Catch the Rest

Next the baby's shoulders will come (again, don't pull), then the body. This will be pretty fast so don't grab your phone for a "look-at-me-delivering-a-baby" shot because you will just get a shot of you dropping a newborn.

Because they are so slippery, it's not a bad idea to have a towel/coat/t-shirt/ to catch the baby. There will most likely be fluid and blood that comes with it too – that's normal so don't worry.

Once the weeble is out, put the baby on mom (ideally skin-to-skin) and keep them both warm with dry towels or blankets.

Don't slap the baby on the bum. I don't know where that came from but nobody does it so don't.

Step 8: Placenta

Your job is most likely done at this point, and you can take your "I-just-delivered-a-baby-shot", but if help still hasn't arrived, you may need to deal with the placenta. The placenta is usually delivered 10-15 minutes after the baby so don't pull or push on anything to get it out. If it does come out, just wrap it in newspaper or a towel. Even though you can technically cut the cord now, it's best to leave it intact for a pro because everything you need to cut it should be sterile.

If no help is coming because the zombies ate them, you can wait until the cord has gone white and hard (long after it has stopped pulsating) and cut it with a sterilized knife or scissors approximately four inches away from the baby. But again, don't do this unless you really, really have to.

. . . . . . . . .

When it all comes down to it, there's only really one step to delivering a baby, just let nature do what it's supposed to do and don't try to speed it up, make it stop, or pull it along. Above all don't panic. Most births are completely normal and don't need any kind of intervention so try not to fiddle or recreate a Grey's Anatomy episode.

I also found a wonderful resource from American College of Nurse-Midwives that goes into more detail if you're interested. You can download the pdf here.

There. We're all ready. Now we can all go on the Ellen show.

Timehop – Revisit Your World from a Year Ago

Pregnant Chicken — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 16:12:56 +0000

What were you doing a year ago today? Timehop could tell you.

I got an email about this neat service that provides a daily email that tells you exactly what you were doing one year ago by compiling your social media activity – like Twitter and Facebook.

It was dreamt up by two guys at a foursquare hackathon and it totally took off (I'm going to go ahead and assume that these are the kind of guys that would know how to change the picture on my desktop.)

Now, I'm always hesitant to sign up for stuff like that because it often includes some complicated code crap and wants my personal information, but it was easy peasy and I just loved to see what kind of nuggets of brilliance *cough* I was posting last year.

Here's a sample of one of my Timehop emails – it has the Cake Wreck post and a picture of my 16-year old cat, Little Miss Meeps, the Mouth of the South, that passed away last year >>

Then I got to thinking, how brilliant this would be if you were pregnant or had a baby?!

The first year is often a blur, so it would be cool to look back on the little milestones that happened along the way. Even in my darkest haze I always seemed able to post a little "Guess who smiled for the first time today?", "Woohoo. Crawling!" or "Will there ever come a day that I don't smell like vomit and Cheerios?", whereas I can't say the same of the giant box of stuff that will go in the scrapbook (one day, dammit!).

I just think it would be cool to see how far you've come from this time last year whether you're newly pregnant, sleepless with a newborn or chasing a toddler. Plus, it makes you all organized with very little effort so you look like hot shit at Mommy and Me.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

New Giveaway Section

Pregnant Chicken — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 17:08:06 +0000

Do you like free stuff? Of course you do.

Well, the giveaway portion of this blog has been very successful. So successful in fact, that I had to put them on hold because I'm booked until December.

But I don't want to put a stop to you getting awesome things. Nobody puts Baby in the corner!

So I decided to have a section of the site totally devoted to giveaways, contests, discounts, you name it. That way all the magical stuff that makes me say, "damn, I wish I was pregnant again" is coming at you fast and furious.

You can find all current and past contests here:

Once the contest is closed, I'll add an icon that looks like this:

As you know, I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to web stuff so bear with me while I iron out the bugs.

In the meantime, hold onto your hats and enter the first contest, Peeps! And keep an eye out for all the good stuff coming your way!

Visitors After the Baby – 10 Tips

Pregnant Chicken — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 15:10:00 +0000

Do you feel special when you're pregnant? Well, step aside, Lady, because a baby is here and people love babies.

The dilemma that comes with having this little rock star in your home now is that billions of people will want to come visit it. Some will be helpful some will not.

So here are a few handy tips I've picked up along the way so you're able to show your magnificent little miracle off to the world like Simba in the Lion King.

Don't let anyone stay with you that you can't cry in front of or you can't tell to "shutup".

There may be a few people that offer to stay with you when the baby comes. This can be a Godsend or a shitshow. Really think about that person and how much you want them to see behind the curtain. You may be too tired to delicately say, "I know she's not latching properly but I'm just trying to get the hang of it" and instead say, "See off? You need to fuck right to it!".

Decide carefully about who you want to be around 24/7 when your inner filter isn't working at full capacity.

Spread out the visitors

People love to see the baby immediately, that, or they feel obliged to see the baby immediately. Either way, try to spread them out as much as you can so you can get settled and enjoy everyone's company long after the fanfare typically dies down. Try not to book too far in advance either, you seriously may feel great the day after you give birth and feel like a back alley crack whore by week two.

Go to people that you think will over stay their welcome – don't have them come to you

Sometimes this really isn't their fault. I was one of these people before I had kids because I had no idea how tiring a newborn can be and would sit there gabbing on about some new bar I'd been to while staring into the vacant doll-like eyes of my best friend holding her newborn. I'm sure she wanted to tell me to shut my cake hole and get the hell out of her house, but just didn't have the energy.

These are the people you should meet for a coffee or go to their place.

First of all, newborns are very portable because they eat, sleep and poop and that's about it, so take advantage of this window when you can cart them anywhere and they don't care. Secondly, it's all on your terms when to pull the chute and you won't have to drop the little hints that go unnoticed. By the way, some of these single people, elderly uncles, etc. are fantastic to be around because they are often just as self absorbed as a newborn and it's sometimes strangely refreshing to talk about something other than babies.

Put them to work

Some people are just itching to help when you have a baby and you know what, let them. These people are like damn border collies and if you don't give them a task, they get destructive and are liable to chew the leg off a chair or worse, start throwing stuff out. Let them do dishes, tidy up, clean the bathroom, take out the garbage, take your other kids to the park, whatever. Don't want them seeing your gross underwear? Throw it in your closet and let them deal with the rest of the pile.

Just leave *your* to-do list out and if they ask if they can help, just point them to it and tell them to help themselves if they feel like it. Not everyone is comfortable around babies but really want to help, so give them the satisfaction of doing something for you and just enjoy it and thank them profusely so they don't start installing a sprinkler system.

Tag team

Remember the first point? That kind of applies to visitors as well. If they aren't the kind of person you can lose it in front of, then have a buffer person with you to entertain or deflect if you need to pull a batsmoke. Just have these people over when your partner or close relative or friend is around in case you need to excuse yourself for an hour to cry on the bed for no particular reason (I did this...twice).

Partner plays the bad cop

If you think you're second string to the baby, just imagine how your husband feels. As I mentioned in the New Dad Survival Guide, this is his chance to shine because I can gua-ran-tee you that there will be some tricky situations when visitors come; like the cousin that announces he's just getting over the flu in passing conversation while holding your 3-day old infant. Or the great Aunt that insists that the baby needs to be brought out in a snow storm to meet her bridge club. Or the nephew that drops by and could "really go for a sandwich".

Dad (or partner, or side kick), it is your job to step up and say, "Oh, hell no." You know why? Because everybody thinks a protective father is cute and everybody thinks a protective mother is nuts, so do everybody a favour and unhinge.

This is also a perfect opportunity for an Al Pacino impression.

Make them bring food

As my friend's Jamaican grandmother used to say, "Don't come wid you two long han". Which loosely translated to don't be an asshole and show up empty handed.

Not only should you stagger these people, but try and get them to bring you food. I featured a brilliant website called MealBaby where people can pick a date where they bring you a meal. Not only do you get a dinner that you don't have to cook, but you get to decide what dates are available so you can control the flow of people. Have them pop it over or sit down and share it with them, either way, they get a baby fix and you get some lasagna. I say win-win.

Treat it like an Out-of-Office Reply*

Sometimes people think it's nice to pop in to see how a new mother is doing if they haven't had an immediate response to a message they left an hour ago. This actually isn't too bad for the people you can tell to "shut up" because you can tell them if it isn't a good time and their feelings won't get hurt. For the rest of the population it is not cool to arrive unannounced at a new parents front door because there is no telling what kind of Stephen King nightmare is going on that day.

To avoid these awkward moments, I like to treat it like a vacation. Change your voicemail and your email to let people know you're kind of off the grid. It may seem like a no brainer to you but some people feel the need to constantly "check in". Just have an auto-reply that says, "Thanks for your email (call). We're just getting the hang of parenthood so forgive me if it takes a little longer than usual to get back to you. Don't worry, we're just fine and loving every minute of it."

I know this may be a little over the top and may feel like the equivillant of adding the dog's name to Christmas cards (I love that actually) but it's an easy way of letting them know they've been heard.

* Obviously, if you're alone and live in the woods in wolverine country, disregard this advice and be grateful someone is checking to make sure the cat isn't eating your corpse.

Pre-Prep

Do you think Aunt Kelly is going to be a problem? Get your responses thought out NOW or start laying the groundwork NOW. If you think she's going to show up on your doorstep the day you give birth then start telling her the story of a co-workers mother-in-law that showed up the day she gave birth and how awful it was and how you're so lucky that your family just *gets* that you need a couple of days to settle in. Get an email ready saying, "Aunt Kelly, we can't wait for you to see the new baby! I'm just getting the hang of it so can I give you a call when I come up for air so you can come over and meet her?" then hit *send* when she fires off the first email.

Go with the flow

Does Aunt Kelly still show up? Does your Mother-in-Law that you've never met fly in from the Ukraine and set herself up on your couch? Does your sister drop in everyday to tell you about the disgusting brunch she had or everything about her wicked pilates instructor?

Roll with it and save your energy like a solar street light on a dimming switch. Ask Aunt Kelly to hold the baby while you go have a shower. Say "Diakuju" when your mother-in-law makes dinner then go lie down with the baby. Tell your sister she needs a fucking punch in the throat then apologise and blame it on your hormones while savoring the good vent.

The best thing you can do with visitors, a new baby, and I suppose life in general, is just roll with it.

Even though you are now regarded as the remaining husk that brought this precious, perfect gift into the world – you will be asked how you feel as a courtesy but no one gives much of a shit how you are now so try not to ramble – it's still your show, honey. So remember, choose your visitors wisely and enjoy the little star that everyone wants to see shine.

Pregnant on St. Paddy's Day? Don't be Sad.

Pregnant Chicken — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 00:48:04 +0000

I'm sure someone, somewhere observes St. Patrick's Day without downing a few bevies but I'm not one of them. Personally, I found it a little depressing to be pregnant when I felt like the rest of the world was slurring, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" so, if you're like me (code *lush*) then you may feel a little left out this weekend without the drink so I rustled up a few photos to cheer you up.

Enjoy.

my-all-funny.blogspot.comFriends don't let friends drive drunk but clearly they have no problem wrapping you up in saranwrap and singing next to your passed out head. I would have lost my damn mind if I woke up like this.

holytaco.com

Aw, Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny looks so peaceful sleeping. Sleep well, Pirate Bunny. Sleep well.

holytaco.com

I sense that the force is strong with this one.

thechive.com

This is beyond impressive to me. Not just that he remained passed out for this, but impressive that his drunk friends had the stick-with-it-ness to see it through. I totally would have given up and watched Family Guy while eating Hickory Sticks once we got to his neck.

ooodd.com

This can't feel good the next day. At least you know he won't pee on the carpet.

ooodd.com

There's a Spiderman episode in here somewhere. Perhaps the Attack of the Blue Bacardi Beetle.

crazymag.com

You know you have good friends when they carefully place protruding objects in your hair while you sleep it off.

strangefunnyworld.com

You know you're a mother when you worry about what would happen if he farted.

www.pixiq.com

This gal gets a standing slow clap from me. Way to carpe the hell out of that diem!

fotozup.com

The lesser known off shoot of the blue man group.

funnychill.com

This is about 18 varieties of awesome for me that the guy is just trimming the grass around him. No concern. No sympathy. Just doing his job.

johnnyscreepshow.blogspot.com

I can just hear the muffled "tee hees" as this one was coming together.

souniquesosweet.blogspot.com

This was the shot that Facebook deemed "inappropriate" and removed from my alcohol and breastfeeding update. Well, suck it, Zuckerberg because you can't touch me here (you know I don't mean that Mark Master Eye of Sauron). For the record, if I had this girls body I would walk around 24/7 like this – pants around my knees pissing freely like a giddy school girl counting the quarters you could bounce off my ass. I tip my hat to you, young lady.

. . . . . . . .

So don't feel bad that you can't light it up this weekend. Feel smug in knowing that you will be the designated drivers that have all the good stories (and blackmail) from the night before, the ones that won't get in a fist fight with some girl that thinks "she's all fucking that", the ones that didn't throw up in their purse in the cab ride home.

But most of all, my darlings, feel good in knowing that I raise a Guinness to each and every one of you for keeping 'er dry while you're cooking the wee bairns.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Cheers.

Exit Care

Pregnant Chicken — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 22:23:54 +0000

A few of you have asked me to put a list together of tips on how to care for the good china after giving birth.

So thanks to your suggestions, and what I found online, here's the glorious list on how to get your tender bits back in order.

Here they are:

• ice wrapped in a washcloth

• use a squirt bottle filled with water to rinse while you pee

• hold a clean pad firmly against the wound and press upward while you poo to help relieve any pressure

• wear boy shorts to hold a cold pad close

• take both ibuprofen and acetaminophen to address any inflamation and pain

• sitz baths - this is when you sit in a little bit of warm water to get more blood flow to the affected area. Plus, it just feels good. You can get inserts that fit into your toilet seat.

• hair dryer set on cool to dry off any areas where you don't want to shake a towel over – this applies to c-sections as well

• condoms filled with water and frozen to a slushy consistency held against the scary sections (it's not like you'll be using them for anything else so it's worth a shot)

• mix calendula oil with the water in your peri bottle to help speed healing

• calendula oil and/or arnica in water, soak a maxi pad in it, then freeze it for a glorious padsicles

• use the Boppy you bought for your baby or nursing, to sit on for the first few days

• Dermoplast spray – sprayed directly on all that ails you, or on a pad then applied

• open one end of a diaper, put ice in it, then put it in the mesh underwear - when the ice melts the diaper absorbs the water so you are not all soggy

• placing Tucks pads or pads soaked in witch hazel (you can place two overlapping for more coverage) on a maxi pad to help soothe the area.

• depends underwear if you don't like the netted underwear and pads the hospital gives you

• frozen maxi pads that were soaked in Witch Hazel then put in a cooler to take to the hospital

• stool softeners and/or prune juice for both c-sections and vaginal births to keep the pushing to a minimum

• vitamin E oil and/ or neosporin on c-section incisions

• wearing a maternity/belly band to give a little support after a c-section

• Always Infinity pads - much thinner than the giant pads they give you in the hospital so they feel less "diapery"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Do you know of any others or are you just backing away from the computer saying, "what the hell have I gotten myself into?!"?

Hey, you may get lucky and not have any use for any of this stuff like my asshole friend, Megan.

Personally, I think it's the anticipation of pain that's the worse part – when else do we have up to 35 weeks to think about how much something may hurt? Seriously, if it was that horrible no one would have more than one child. Even if you do need some of this stuff, it's pretty short lived and you have a new baby to keep your mind off the mess, so don't worry about it too much.

There, there, you'll be shiny and new again before you know it. (hair stroke and shushing) Just like this: