Pregnant Chicken

Round Up – Issue 7 May 2013

Amy Morrison — Wed, 22 May 2013 16:50:39 +0000

There are some really cool things I came across this month (okay, last month too because I totally missed the boat in April -- toot toooooot) so I'm excited to do this Round Up.

Let's get started!

I finally figured out a way to archive all the Ask the Chicks questions.

I kept getting emails asking where to find questions that had been asked a few weeks ago, but here was no way of finding them without scrolling down the entire Facebook page which is both time consuming and tedious. So I've added a section that has all the questions with a direct link to the answers. You can search it by tags, categories, or with a search feature, but let me know if you have any other suggestions to make it easier.

As always, thank you for being so amazing on this board. I can't tell you how many emails I get saying how wonderful the page is because it's such an amazing group of kind, supportive and helpful people that aren't assholes (I'm paraphrasing a bit there). So thanks.

Love this shot Ilana from mommyshorts did. The one on the left is her mother with Ilana and her sister and the one on the right is the recreation Ilana did with her two daughters. I love it.

If you aren't familiar with Mommy Shorts you should check it out. It's a great site with so really funny stuff on there including her "baby mugging" which was so successful that it has its own Faceboook page.

Next up is this amazing post from Banned from Baby Showers that brilliantly compares a hospital birth to eating at the Olive Garden.

It's a smart, quick read that does a really good job of pointing out some of the challenges around hospital births without getting mean spirited or negative.

This site called Preggopager.com is really clever. If you live in Canada or the U.S. you can sign up for this free service that keeps important people in the loop with all your labour updates. Call one number and record a personalized voice message or send a text message to one number and PreggoPager will deliver that message instantly to your closest family and friends to share the news.

Smart, eh? Certainly beats calling each and every family member because you just know you're going to forget someone, or worse, get stuck on the phone with labour stories from a distant aunt. Screw that noise.

Remember how I was sent that Airocide Air Purifier to try? Well, I've been using it for a few months and guess what? I haven't had to take one allergy pill and no one here has been sick. High fives all round.

Now sick-free may just be because it's Spring and the worst of the colds, flus and general snots tend to be Fall and Winter, so it is possible that was just coincidence. However, my seasonal allergies are the real deal and I get them something awful just before the trees bloom (I'm told it's ground spores I'm allergic to – sexy, non?). Historically they would always be at their worst when I woke up, then slowly improved during the day. With this Airocide bad boy cranking in my room, not once did I wake up with the stuffy, watery and general shittyness of my usual allergies. Not once. And that just blows my mind because I get them every year without fail regardless of how good or bad the allergy season is.

I'll let you know how we do in the fall when everybody comes back from summer holidays with a hot, fresh batch of puke germs clinging to them, but I have a feeling it will be up to the challenge.

I'm not saying you have to drop the cash and get an air purifier, but if you're in the market for one, I would seriously check this one out. It's pretty damn impressive.

You can check them out on the Airocide site if you want to find out more.

www.bforbel.com

Best ultrasound picture ever. Look, they're expecting a baby...... and a cat.

byrosenhoff.com – Charlotte Rosenhoff, Svelvik Norway

When I saw this photo I nearly shat my pants – in a good way of course. What a positively beautiful, smart, brilliant way to capture all the details of a child's birth.

Patrice Laroche – Beauport, Quebec

Speaking of clever photoshoots, I love this series from Patrice Laroche. I'm also trying very hard not to be bitter about how incredible his wife looks pre-birth, pregnant and post-birth. You go sit at the Gisele Bundchen table, Lady. I'll be over here eating cheese.

Emily Garrison Photography - Tallahassee, Florida

I found this picture on Pinterest and it made me all teary. Here's this beautiful baby girl that has four older brothers that are all going to look out for her. Sniff. I've already created a scene in the future where these handsome, corn-fed boys answer the door to a date coming to pick her up. They bring him in real close and tell him that if he makes their sister cry he'll have them to answer to. I haven't decided if they have southern accents in my scenario or not – they may be from Nebraska. Can't decide.

In reality they'll probably shave her doll's heads and hold her down while hovering a string of spit over her face, but I like to think it will be a bit of both.

If you know the source of this photo (or these beautiful kids) please let me know so I can credit the shot.

Update: This shot was done by emilygarrisonphotography.com Thanks for emailing me, Amanda! This beautiful family is from Florida but they will always remain little Nebraskans in my heart ; )

Oh, and if you think a cat is awesome, how about this little old man hovering in this ultrasound courtesy of Leyla? Magic.

Best Maternity Swimwear

Amy Morrison — Tue, 14 May 2013 22:52:58 +0000

Let me start this post by saying you don't have to buy a bathing suit that is specifically maternity. If you aren't that far along or you aren't carrying that large, there's no reason why you can't wear a regular suit. However, don't make the same mistake I made and assume that because a bathing suit stretches it will fit your pregnant body. You might have to be cut out of it with the jaws of life – imagine sea lion wearing a sausage casing – so know your limits.

I tried to find suits that were reasonably priced. There are some gorgeous suits that are well over a hundred bucks, but unless you're going somewhere really special or having 12 children that will all be born in August, that may be getting a little pricey for ya, but sometimes we all love the splurge.

Here's what I found:

Women's Two Piece Swimsuit from Target: I liked this one because it isn't too tight around your belly. The two pieces give you a little more room so if you're long waisted like me, you aren't going to get that crotch grab. Around $35

Halter Tankini Two Piece Swimsuit from Walmart: I like the pattern on this because it breaks up the area without looking like Walt Disney vomited all over you. The halter cut is nice to show off any pregnancy boobs you're rocking and you can't beat the price at $25.

Halter Tankini from Destination Maternity: These guys have a great selection of maternity swimwear. I like the bright colors and the flattering cut of this one. It's gotten really high ratings and it's on sale right now for $40.

Ruched Maternity Tankini: This one is starting to creep up there at $89.50, but I thought it was such a beautiful suit that I added it in. If you're going on holiday or spend a lot of time at the pool, it may be worth shelling out a little extra cabbage for a sharp suit like this.

Old Navy Maternity Halter: Ah, good ole Old Navy. You can almost always count on them for simple, clean inexpensive maternity clothes. I chose the black version, but this suit comes in a few colors and patterns. I've also included the bottoms as well but I suppose you skip them if you like your bum hanging out – hey, I don't judge. Around $45 for the set.

Plus Size Baby Doll Maternity Swim Top: If you think finding a half decent maternity swimsuit is tricky, try finding a nice plus size maternity swim suit. They are out there though! I like this one because it gives you good coverage without becoming a tent. The colors are fun but not seizure inducing. About $50 once you factor in the bottoms.

ASOS Maternity Suit: When I first saw this I was all "wow, 25 bucks!!!" Then I realized that it was in pounds which roughly translates to 8 billion dollars (okay, about $40) but it's still such a pretty suit and I think it's just "brilliant".

Maternal America Jenni Tankini: Okay, this one breaks my $100 rule, but isn't it pretty? Wouldn't you feel like a bohemian princess with an aura of awesome in this thing? If price isn't an issue or your have to go to a destination wedding where you're dealing with a everyone-but-me-will-be-drinking-so-I'm-getting-a-nice-bathing-suit-dammit situation, then this site has some gorgeous suits.

There's no reason you can't look hot when you're pregnant, so I love this suit from Maternity on Mooki that is both a maternity AND nursing swimsuit. Smart.

Here's another pretty , little number that can be used for both maternity and nursing from Evymama. For the record, I would kill to look like this now, let alone when I was pregnant or nursing.

Maternity Rash Guard: I think rash guards are this best thing ever invented because they dry fast, aren't too hot, and cover the spots you inevitably miss with sunscreen so you end up with a crazy ass burn between your shoulder blades. They look sporty too. Around $85 once you factor in the swim shorts.

Preggo Dot Ruched Maternity Bikini: I love how this suit can be worn three ways so there's some flexibility with how you wear it. About $70.

If you're looking for something a little more sporty there's this one from Speedo, and this one from Beach Maternity which is also chlorine resistant so the ass of your suit doesn't slowly evaporate while you're doing the breast stoke.

What's that, you say you have a big chest and need some support? Pfft, that never happens when you're pregnant. At least that's what you'd think if you're tying to find one online. There are two sites I found: Bravissimo and Linda's that carry suits for us girls with the guns, and bikinis and tankinis look to be your best best.

Forever Sexy Victoria Secret: As I mentioned right off the top, there's no reason why you can't wear a regular bikini when you're pregnant. I found this one on Victoria Secret because it looked like it had pretty good knocker coverage (I was also trying to find a shot where it didn't look like the poor model was pulling a muscle while she posed) but if you're a skinny mini with a bump, hey, you may as well. If you're looking for something really inexpensive, there's this number from Forever 21 that's only $10 bucks too. If you can't rock it, I say go for it – I'm not jealous or anything.

Maternity Crossover Jersey Maxi from Old Navy: If you want a nice cover-up or something comfy to lounge in by the pool I thought this maxi dress from Old Navy was awesome and it's $32 to boot.

So there you have it. Tons of great ways to look great when you're expecting!

Oh, and while you're out there looking all hot and sexy in you're swimsuit, don't forget your sunscreen. Pregnancy has enough comfort challenges so don't add a tidy sunburn to it (sage advice coming from a redhead). As I mentioned in my tanning post, there's nothing dangerous about tanning while pregnant, but your skin can do some kooky things while you're hormones are cranking up the production of melanin, and that can cause uneven skin pigment (or pregnancy mask) with sun exposure. Aveeno is a good bet because I don't find it greasy, it comes in high spfs and it relies more on mineral ingredients than chemical ingredients, which is always a plus whether you're pregnant or not.

And for those of you that think you're too big to be seen in a bathing suit or bikini? Just remember there's an 80-year old fat man with grey back hair sporting a speedo on a beach somewhere not giving a fiddly fart about what people think because he's enjoying the sun. Soak it up, Baby. Soak it up!

Happy Mother's Day

Amy Morrison — Sun, 12 May 2013 04:00:00 +0000

Aveeno Baby

Amy Morrison — Wed, 08 May 2013 03:43:40 +0000

From our sponsor

Whether it’s the smell of the top of their heads, or the soft, dewy feel of their skin, nothing quite beats a freshly bathed baby – it reminds us just how perfect and new they really are. So it’s important to use products that let that incredible “babyness” shine through.

Aveeno gently cleanses your baby’s hair and body with its soap-free and hypoallergenic formula, so it’s even gentle enough to use on the newest newborn skin. It’s been trusted by parents and doctors for decades and has long been a staple in Canadian homes.

Even after bath time is over, Aveeno lotion moisturizes and protects your baby’s skin for 24 hours. The Active Naturals main ingredient is colloidal oatmeal – oats that are finely ground to a silky consistency – which soothes sensitive skin and helps keep diaper rash at bay.

It’s any wonder that it’s the number one recommended brand by pediatricians.

Bath time is special. It’s a time to unwind, a time to wash the day away, and a time to start fresh while bonding with your baby. A time when you don’t want to worry about what you’re putting on your baby’s skin and that’s why Aveeno is a perfect addition to any baby’s routine.

How to Give a Newborn a Bath

Amy Morrison — Tue, 07 May 2013 16:47:06 +0000

I used to get really anxious about bathing my baby because infants are squirmy greased water balloons when they are wet. I mean here you’re trying to clean something with very little neck control while keeping their head above water. No pressure there.

Actually, It’s not as hard as it sounds, all you need a few simple tools and you’re ready to roll.

Bathtub:

This is where your anxiety and wallet play the biggest roll. If you’re nervous like I was and have the cash, then go all out and get something kick ass so it’s one less thing to worry about.

If you’re easy peasy like my friend, stick a towel in the bottom of the tub and fill the bath with about an inch of water and lay the baby on the towel and wash away. Yes, yes, I’m screaming “Ears!! What about the baby’s ears!!!” in my head too but she assured me that water didn’t get in the baby’s ears and you can’t get much cheaper than free.

For the record, it’s advised that you try to avoid getting water in your baby’s ears when they are in the bath to reduce the risk of ear infections but it isn’t cause for panic either.

PRIMO Eurobath got huge props online and I love how you can use it for both stages of scary baby bathing – wet fish stage, and flip-backwards-crazy-daredevil-no-concept-or-drowning stage. You can stick in on a counter when they are wee so you’re not bending over to wash them, and you can put it in the bathtub when they are older so you’re not filling a whole tub. For me, the biggest key on this is the “crotch stop” (I’m sure that’s not what they call it) but it’s the thing that stops the baby from sliding down so your hands are free to wash them.

Blooming Bath is a fantastic way to bath a baby in a sink without feeling like you’re washing your baby in the same spot where you wash carrots. It’s nice and soft and cozy, and hangs up to dry. They show a faucet over the baby in the picture, but I would fill the sink with water then fill a cup to rinse them off rather than use the faucet directly unless you have really reliable water temperature consistency. Sorry, my bath phobia is showing again, isn’t it?

Summer Infant Comfy Bath Sponge or the Summer Infant Fold N' Store Tub Time Bath Sling (as seen in my Baby on a Budget Post) To me this is like the towel in the tub but less scary. It’s a nice, inexpensive solution that’s quick drying and easy to store. So much so that I can ignore the nutty photoshop job on the sponge baby suspended in the bath with moms superimposed arms (insert designer shudder).

As for baby washes, there are tons out there. My advice is to check out Cosmetic Database to make sure the one you like isn’t full of crap. I was quite partial to the Aveeno line and Dr Bronners because they're a nice reasonably priced wash that was readily available and not full of junk.

Satsuma Designs Organic Wash Cloths and Wipes 5 Pack: Unlike towels, I do prefer wash cloths that are solely for the baby because they are thinner allowing you to get into those little crevices, and you can let your baby gnaw on them knowing that your husband hasn’t used them to wash his ass at any point. I like the organic ones, but if that isn’t a big worry you can get the regular ones that tend to be less expensive.

Clevamama Splash and Wrap Hooded Towel: I didn’t really bother with special towels when bathing my kids, but I do really like the idea of this hooded towel that you wear like an apron them scoop them up in it. It’s also reasonably price at around $20.

Got all your gear? Good! Let’s wash this kid!

Step One:

Get everything you need locked and loaded before you put this weeble in water. Get the clothes or jammies, towel, soap, etc. out so you’re not running around with a cold, wet baby looking for things.

Step Two:

If you’re not dealing with a messy back poop, feel free to layout a towel and do this sponge bath style and just grab a bowl of warm water.

I should also note that some site advise that you wait until circumcisions and umbilical cords heal (a couple of weeks after birth) before doing anything but sponge baths, but I found just as many sites that gave the go ahead so don’t panic if you get them wet before that time. It looks like they aren’t Gremlins after all. Dang.

Fill the sink, tub, pickle barrel, or whatever you’re bathing them in with warm water. If you’re bringing them in a bath with you, fill the tub beforehand so you’re not acclimatizing yourself to the heat then adding more and more hot so you’re swimming in lava by the time you add in the baby. You’re shooting in the area of 100 degrees Fahrenheit or 38 degrees Celsius.

As for temperature ducks and thermometers, feel free to get them if it helps put you at ease but they aren’t essential. Some sites say that you have to use your elbow to test the bath but I must have freakish elbows because I really couldn’t tell if it was hot or not there. I found my hand worked fine.

Bath toys are great too but you don’t have to have them and they are just as happy to play with the cup and the washcloth.

Step Three:

Get ‘em wet. Some sites go into great detail about gently putting a baby in feet first and easing them in like a great yacht on their maiden voyage but it really isn’t that tricky. Put the baby in the water any way but head first and you should be fine.

Tips and Threats: Don’t leave your baby in the bath unattended…ever. I don’t care if Channing Tatum is ringing the doorbell in his underpants, you either ignore it or scoop that kid up to answer the door and say “Perfect timing, Channing, I was just finishing up so please make yourself comfortable and fold that basket of laundry while you wait” Babies can drown in less than an inch of water in less than 60 seconds so don’t mess around with that.

Step Four:

I liked to add a little wash to a wet facecloth then work my way down from top to bottom. Some friends used to add the wash to the bathwater go from there. Either is fine. I used to use a small, plastic cup to rinse them off and either used a wet washcloth to rinse any soap off their face or held it on their forehead to shield their eyes while rinsing their hair.

Step Five:

Lay the towel out on the floor or counter then lay your baby on it and wrap ‘em up, or toss the towel over your shoulder then lift the baby out, hold them on your chest and fold them into the towel. I used to take them back to their room and lay them on their change table for the lotion rub down, diaper, and jammies

That’s it! Congratulations, you have a clean kid!

Above all, don’t sweat it too much. If your newborn has nothing but sponge baths for the first 6-months of her life, no biggie – she isn’t working in a coal mine. If your baby loves baths, go for it. Water is a ton of good clean fun and baths are a nice way to break up the day.

Either way, have fun, stay safe and say “hi” to Channing for me.

Best Gifts for a New Mom

Amy Morrison — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 22:10:27 +0000

It’s really hard to find a nice gift for a new mother sometimes. Do you get something practical? Sentimental? Is it someone you want to go all out for, or someone you just want to give a small gesture?

Well, here are a few ideas that go beyond the flowers and silver rattles for some kick ass stuff that a new mom will really enjoy.

I’m going to start with the gesture stuff and work my way up. All too often sites and magazines launch into gifts that Jay Z would give someone with a private island, and not something you’d like to give your next-door-neighbour that you only chit chat with over the fence.

Food:

I don’t think you can ever go wrong with food – well, I guess you can if you’re a shitty cook but I’m going to leave that to your judgment. Give her something she can pop in the freezer if she’s already overloaded with goodies and give it to her in something she doesn’t have to give back like an oven ready baking dish. If you can, try to make things you can eat with one hand or with just a fork as an extra bonus for someone that's holding a baby a lot.

If you’re feeling really cool, you can set up a Meal Baby or Meal Train account so you can get everyone feeding these folks for a while.

What’s that you say? You really can’t cook or you live far away? There’s a service called The Meal Stork that will deliver a delicious home-style meal right to her door. It ain’t cheap but it sure beats a giant flower arrangement that does sweet bugger all, plus, they have lasagna. Bring it to mah belly!

Diapers:

If you know they're going the disposable route, a pack of the next size up diapers are often an over looked yet welcomed gift for new parents because there’s always those “shit we’re out of diapers” moments when your stash runs low.

There’s also a wicked service called Diaper Dabbler that will send a sampler pack of different diapers so she can get a feel for which one work for her without buying a whole box.

Cloth diapers are a little trickier because you tend to go with a certain brand, but if you know what she using and want to buy some, by all means, go for it. I knew a couple of people that used cloth and used disposable as a backup, but tread lightly there because some people may take exception to you offering up disposable when they've opted for cloth.

Goodie Bag:

One of the best gifts I ever received was from a friend that is a veteran mom of three. She gave me a little bag filled with a reusable water bottle, trashy magazines, chocolate bars, small bags of almonds, chapstick and a gift certificate to a coffee place I could walk to. I used all of it. All of it.

Time:

One of the best things you can give a new mom is your time. If you're a good friend of hers, then there’s nothing better than having someone take you out for a walk, or sit on the couch to chat, or hold your baby while she has a shower. Say something like “I could pop by for a visit next Tuesday or Thursday. If that would work for you let me know what time is convenient and I’ll bring lunch (breakfast, the car so we can go out for a bite).” Just make sure you aren’t adding to her workload. If she’s a really tidy person by nature she may not want you seeing her dirty house and stay up all night cleaning it when she should be napping. If she’s not up to it, leave it alone and opt for something else – there are entire Facebook threads dedicated to asshats that demand to come over and hang out with new parents. Don’t be that asshat.

I also love these beautiful cards from IOU letterpress for a tangible gift of errands, a load of laundry, etc. rather than just saying "call me if you need something".

On a side note, if you are the new mom, here's a few tips for handling visitors.

Netflix:

Netflix would have changed my damn life if I’d had it when my son was born. It wasn't around at the time so I just watched the Food Network. A lot. Then I figured out that I could rent a movie and watch it during the night when I was feeding him. I slept on the couch and he slept beside me in a bassinet. When he’d wake up I would feed him and watch the movie. When he’d fall asleep I would put him back down and pause the DVD. It would have been awesome to have something like Netflix for the round-the-clock schedule of a newborn. You can get a one-month subscription for $8 so it's not a bank breaker either.

Day You Were Born Box:

It’s a really neat keepsake to have a collection of what was going on the day your baby was born. New parents are often kinda busy on that day, so if you pick up newspaper clippings, photos, notes, etc. and leave some places where mom and dad can pop all the odd keepsakes that come along, you'll be saving them a ton of leg work. You can find the instruction here on spoonful.com.

Keepsakes:

If you want something that’s more sentimental than practical (I’m looking at you dads) then you may want to go the keepsake route. I love this initial necklace from Soul Peaces but I have a whole board on Pinterest dedicated to incredible keepsakes that will remind her that she’s a kick ass mother if you're looking for some more inspiration.

Subscription Boxes:

I think subscription boxes are an incredible idea. Gifts, like visitors, often come in a flurry in the beginning but peter out when you are really feeling the toll of parenthood, so these are such a beautiful idea to keep the good times rolling. You can get everything from diapers, to cookies, to clothes and you don’t have to be up on your baby stuff to send them – these guys do all the work for you.

This one is from Mommies First but you can check out my Subscriptions for New & Expectant Parents board too.

If you’re giving a gift to a new mother who has an older child, consider getting a subscription for them instead. Not only will it occupy the kiddo while mom is getting the hang of the new weeble, it’s a nice reminder to the older child that they still count. I really love these craft boxes from Green Craft Kids and the Eye Can Art Kits. They are appropriate for both boys and girls ages 3-8 and have all the goods in the box so you aren't rummaging around for glue with a newborn trying to latch onto your boob.

Postpartum Doula:

Pardon? These exist? Why didn’t I know about them when I had my babies?!

A Postpartum Doula is like that newborn pro that comes to the house. She can help you get over breastfeeding hurdles, keep an eye out for post partum mood disorders, and generally provide a hands-on education on mother and infant care.

They aren’t cheap (nor should they be) and run around $20 - $35 from what I can tell, but if you have a large family or a company that is itching to buy you something big, I can’t think of a better gift. Here’s a link to find one in your area.

Give a gift to someone else:

If you're buying for a mom that really has it all, I don’t think you can ever go wrong with helping other moms. For $12 you can buy a newborn checkup from Plan Canada. For a hundred bucks you can buy a birthing kit to deliver 50 babies from Unicef – 50 babies!

It's always nice to congratulate new moms (and dads) on the new addition to their family and help out a little even if the gesture is small. After all, it takes a village to raise a child – and, if you're lucky – a postpartum doula.

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"How Do I Know if I'm in Labor?"

Amy Morrison — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:47:59 +0000

This seems like a no brainer, right? You start feeling contractions at 40 weeks and you give birth. Easy peasy.

Well, the signs aren’t always that simple. As you know, there are many burps and toots and that go along with pregnancy so it’s often hard to tell what’s just a random pain, puddle or purdle, and when it’s really show time.

Plus, very few women go into labor on their due date (fewer than 5%) so try not to do what I did and count down the days to your due date figuring that’s when the baby would get here because it rarely happens and you’ll be one grouchy land manatee.

How do you know if you’re in labor though?

Passing your mucus plug.

Ah yes, the mucus plug. Once again medical professions have outdone themselves with the most disgusting terminology they could come up with.

Essentially you’ve lost the seal that kept your cervix closed for the pass nine months. It may come out as a lump or as increased discharge over a few days. The mucus may be tinted with red or brown, which is referred to as “bloody show”. Yep, bloody show.

I think we should refer to it as a baby cork and womb sealant.

No need to worry because it just means that the lid is off – labor could start in a couple of hours or even a couple of weeks. Just mention it to your medical practitioner when you see them next. Unless there’s blood, like real bright red bleeding, which could indicate issues with your placenta so shuffle off to hospital stat if you spot that.

Contractions

Contraction are a good hint but Braxton Hicks contractions are always lurking to make you feel like a dummy for hitting the “show time” button. Try walking around if you have them though. Braxton Hicks contractions usually fade if you’re up and moving around versus sitting. Contractions also tend to get more intense with walking so that’s a good clue. If they start coming at regular intervals and increase in frequency, you’re probably ready to rock and roll. What you’re waiting for is 1-5-1, which is having contractions that are 1 minute long, every 5 minutes, for 1 hour. If you’re high risk your practitioner will probably want you in sooner.

Water breaking.

You know how in movies a woman is always standing at a party while she delivers her “Oh my God, my water just broke” line accompanied by a gush of water? Well, this doesn’t happen to many women. In fact, most women are well into labor before their water breaks.

It is more likely to be a leak rather than a gush although those are sometimes hard to distinguish from sneaky urine and vaginal discharge, which are two other delightful side effects when you’re this pregnant. Easiest way to tell if you’re leaking amniotic fluid is to lie down. The fluid will pool in your vagina and come out when you stand up – pee and discharge won’t do that.

If you find you are leaking, pack yourself up and assume that you’ll be giving birth shortly. Once your water breaks you’ll either go into labor in the next 24 hours or your practitioner will start it for you.

Oh, if the fluid is green or brown call your doctor or midwife right away because that’s a sign that your baby may have pooped in utero and you don’t want the little monkey ingesting that.

If you want to try kick starting your labor you can try some of these tips, but unless you’re coming up on the 42 week mark or have a medical condition that would deem you high risk, most medical professionals suggest you leave it alone and let the little weeble bake as long as they feel necessary.

So stay tuned, my darlin’ and use this time to answer the phone saying “No, the baby isn’t coming yet and I’m charging everyone $5 that asks me that from now on.” By my calculations you should have roughly $45,675 by the time you give birth.

Hang in there.

Give Baldy Your Tit Book

Amy Morrison — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 19:34:09 +0000

In an effort not to get banned from Facebook, I figured I post this here.

I have no idea if this book existed. If it did I would like to read it.

Round Up – Issue 6: March 2013

Amy Morrison — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 19:01:43 +0000

Lots of good stuff to share from this month!

First off I can’t wait to read I Just Want to Pee Alone.

It’s a collection of hilarious essays from 37 of the most kick ass mom bloggers on the web. Including: People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Insane in the Mom-Brain, The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva, Baby Sideburns, and my all time favourite, Rants From Mommyland.

I Single-White-Female-stalk many of these gals so I have no doubt that it will be an amazing read. I wanted to give it a shout out before it got all popular, but it’s already on a ton of bestseller lists. Dang.

Next up are these really neat Hand Embroidered Silhouettes.

Pregnancy photography and belly casts can feel a little too “intimate” for some people so I love that you can capture your bump in a nice subtle way. You just send her a photo of your pregnant profile and she hand embroiders it on a little linen frame. The best part is they are only $20.

I get quite a few requests to do reviews but it’s obviously hard for me to review and kind of maternity stuff seeing as I'm not pregnant anymore. So when I get a chance to review something that would apply to both new parents and me, I’m pretty jazzed.

These Airocide guys got in touch with me about their air purifier and the first thing I thought was “Shit, this is going to be some weird thing that contains crystals hangs around my neck.” But it’s actually this pretty fancy state of the art air purifier that doesn’t use filters and it retails for about $800 so I was all, “Hell yeah, ship me that, stat.”

All I have to do is use it then tell you guys what I think about it.

So far I’m pretty impressed with them because I didn’t have to pay customs at the door (if you’re Canadian you’ll know what I mean – you think you’re buying a $20 bottle of shampoo from the States until some fucker from the post office is standing there saying you owe $30 in custom fees holding your shampoo ransom.) I just got a knock at the door and handed the package with a tip o’ the hat. Well played, Airocide people.

It’s set up in my room so I’ll let you know how it’s doing in 6-8 weeks. It’s supposed to kill mold, viruses, and allergens so I’m pretty excited to see if it has an impact on this household that is in the depths of a constant junior kindergarten Ebola-monkey outbreak and spring allergy season for me.

It's slick and quiet and I'm pretty impressed so far, but stay tuned for the full review.

Love this site called WhenToExpect.com. You enter all your stats and it will give you the odds on when you'll have your baby, how much it will weigh, etc. The percentages are based on millions of birth statistics so, even though it's just a fun thing, I'd love to know how accurate it is for you.

This post written by The Sassy Curmudgeon is so awesome that I want to roll around in it like a dog on a duck carcass (sorry, farm reference there). It's called How to Be a Perfect Parent in 5 Easy Steps, or Probably Never and it's a beautifully written reality check about how we strive for this perfection in parenthood that doesn't exist.

She writes, "There is literally nothing you will obsess about more in the first year of parenthood than your child's sleep patterns. You will read studies. You will make logs of night wakings only to find in the morning that you accidentally used a lo mein-encrusted chopstick and a DVD case to record this vital information. You will volunteer nap schedules--without prompting--to total strangers. You will study the floorboards in your house like a military operative searching for land mines in Afghanistan."

I love her handy reference chart as well:

What is worse than having an ice-cream craving and finding out that some assbadger has eaten it all? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So this Ice Cream Lock from Ben & Jerry's is a nice little find.

A while ago I posted this image on Facebook for the updated alcohol post and it was removed for "nudity". Let me tell you something, if I had that girl's bum I would post pictures of my ass on Facebook every single damn day.

Then I posted this picture and it was removed for nudity:

I was banned for 48 hours from Facebook and they told me if I violated the Term of Agreement again they would shut down my profile.

Needless to say, if you want to side the hysterical plethora of side-bum photos I've found on the interwebs, you'll either have to check here in my Round Ups, or my Pinterest boards. Your loss, Facebook.

Lastly, some of you may be wondering if we've named our new cat.

For those of you that don't know, we adopted a 3-year old cat from our local shelter and she is awesome. She came with the name, Suzie, but my sister-in-law is named, Susan so it's kind of weird to have it so close, plus, I love cool names for cats like, Dr. Jill Biden, so we were going to change it. I had one of those dumb parenting moments where I thought I would ask my kids what to name it and they would come up with some brilliant spark of innocence that only a child could invent, but they came up with "New Cat" and "Jenna". Er, okay.

Now it's gotten to the point where no name is cool enough in my eyes so she remains nameless.

I can't think of a more stupid first world problem than, "I simply can't find the right name for our new cat that is both adorable and conveys the proper level of pop culture and cleverness." I should change my own name to "Dink".

On a side note, I was blown away by how many people were impressed with us adopting a cat from a shelter. I didn't realize that it wasn't the most common place to get a pet. I've had animals all my life and they all came from shelters and they were all the most kick ass pets on the planet. If you're thinking about getting a pet, get one from a shelter, man. They need homes and they rock – just don't ask me to name them.

Update: We named her Commander Sally Pickles. I thought you'd want to know so you can sleep easy now ; )

Heartburn During Pregnancy

Amy Morrison — Fri, 08 Mar 2013 21:16:04 +0000

Heartburn and acid reflux seem to be one of the many charming benefits of pregnancy.

There are a couple of reasons for it, one, as your uterus gets bigger it squishes your stomach and forces stuff upwards so the acid in your stomach can percolate over. Two, your body is releasing a number of hormones that relax your joints and muscles so your uterus doesn't contract your baby out and so you have an easier birth come show time.

Unfortunately, these hormones also relax the muscles at the top of your stomach that normally keep the lid on your stomach acid. It can range from mildly annoying to feeling like you're gargling battery acid and it sucks.

I had the worst heartburn throughout both of my pregnancies. The first time around I asked my doctor about it and she told me to take TUMS. They did nothing and I had to sleep upright for the last four weeks of my pregnancy – it was beyond awful. Of course I’m an idiot because when she said “take TUMS”, I heard “TUMS are the only thing you can take” so I never piped up about how bad it was and lived in misery.

The second time around I told her I had terrible heartburn again she told me I should take Pepcid AC. I took it and was perfectly fine the entire pregnancy. It was like the heavens opened up.

So I tried to gather up a variety of tricks, remedies, and safe medications to keep the burn at bay. Here we go:

Tips and Tricks for Heartburn

Eat smaller meals more frequently:

The thought being that if you eat less there will be less stomach acid and therefore less occurrence of acid "overflow". I once ate two poutines from New York Fries when I was pregnant. Two. If you aren't from Canada you may not be familiar with poutine. I have no doubt it's what God eats as Satan snickers. It is glorious.

Eat slowly and drink your beverages between meals, not with them:

The idea being that if you stuff a ton of food in yourself, your body has a lot of work to do to digest it all at once and releases a lot of stomach acid. If you dilute all that stomach acid with a bunch of water, your body releases even more stomach acid.

Wear loose, comfortable clothes:

I can’t imagine wanting to wear tight uncomfortable clothes when you’re pregnant (or anytime for that matter) but it’s mentioned enough that I’ve added it in. So put away that size 0 wet suit and corseted Versace gown to aid in your digestion, you know, until after the baby comes of course.

Stop eating 2-3 hours before bedtime (she types laughing):

That way your body isn’t digesting when you’re lying down. I get it, but I was hungry when I was pregnant – like wolverine hungry. An apple wasn’t cutting it just before I went to bed. You may have better luck with this though.

Elevate your head when you sleep:

Keep your head elevated about 4-6 inches while sleeping. You can either do this with pillow, a wedge or using risers under the feet at the head of your bed.

Sleeping on your left side:

Sleeping on your left side seems to reduce heartburn as well. There are a couple of hypothesis for this. One is that right-side sleeping relaxes the valve between stomach and the esophagus so acid can flow up. Another is that left-side sleeping keeps the junction between stomach and esophagus above the level of stomach acid. Either way, it seems to work.

The easiest way to remember is that “right is wrong”.

Suggested foods that worsen heartburn:

(basically anything that’s really delicious – sorry, you know I don’t make the rules here)

Tea
Coffee
Chocolate
Carbonated beverages
Fried stuff
Fatty stuff
Spicy stuff
Tomatoes
Mustard
Citrus fruit
Alcohol and cigarette smoking will also really contribute to heartburn – another reason you should ditch those habits all together.

Suggested foods that improve heartburn:

Milk (I found this actually gave me heartburn, but I may be alone in that one)
Yogurt
Ice Cream (Always worth a try – better eat two tubs just to be sure)
Basil leaves
Ginger in any form – root, chewables, tea
Apples
Pineapple and papaya (ripe papaya only but who the hell eats unripe papaya?)
Raw Almonds
Honey
Fermented foods such as sauerkraut, kimchi, and pickles
Fermented drinks like milk kefir, kombucha, and water kefir soda
Chewing gum – Although, some sites say it will actually encourage stomach acid production which will exacerbate your heartburn.

Heartburn Remedies

Apple Cider vinegar and honey: Mix 8 oz of water with two teaspoons apple cider vinegar. Add honey to taste.

Papaya enzymes or Digestive enzymes: The idea being your stomach is helped along so it doesn’t have to release as much acid.

Heartburn Medications:

Antacids

(Tums, Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia)

These help by neutralizing stomach acids and are generally deemed safe for use during pregnancy. That said, some seem to be better choices than others so read your labels and check with your medical profession before going rogue with them because they can interfere with other medications, iron supplements, etc. The most common ingredients in antacids are:

Calcium carbonate: This ingredient has been used for heartburn since the first century and is deemed safe for pregnant women.
Magnesium Hydroxide: Seems to be deemed safe for pregnancy, plus it can help with constipation. Woot! Some sites say you should dial it back in your third trimester because it can slow uterine contractions however, there are quite a few magnesiums and I’m not convinced they aren’t getting them confused. I still thought it was worth mentioning because if you know your magnesiums really well, you can let me know which is correct and I can update this.

Acid Blockers:

Okay, instead of neutralizing acid, these guys reduce the amount of acid your stomach produces. They are H2 blockers and Proton Pump Inhibitors (PPI) – they differ slightly in what stage of acid production they deal with, how long they take to kick in, and how long they last.

Both have been given the green light for pregnancy, however H2 blockers have been around longer than PPIs so there’s a bit more data on them.

The difference between the over-the-counter brands and their prescription counterparts is their potency.

The ones that seem to be the most popular with medical professionals are:

Pepcid AC (OTC - over the counter)
Zantac (OTC)
Prilosec (OTC)
Pepsid (H2)
Protonix (PPI)
Nexium (PPI)
Dexilant (PPI)

Stuff that is Dicey or a No-No

Fennel Seed Tea: This got a few thumbs up and a few thumbs down. As you know with most herbs, you can’t patent them so nobody is doing large scaled studies on them and that makes people understandably twitchy. Find someone that knows what they are talking about with this stuff before going this route.

Slippery Elm: Again, everything herbal often has conflicting information because these remedies aren’t studied to the extent other drugs are. I’ve read everything from slippery elm being completely safe to it being use with caution. It sounds fine but ask a person that knows their shit (preferably someone that wears their long grey hair in a braid) before drinking a bathtub full of it.

Deglycyrrhizinated Licorice (DGL): Okay, this one sounds fine but the reason I put it in here is because Licorice is not fine (the root, not the candy – they flavor that with anise so it’s perfectly safe) and I don’t want anybody getting them confused. Licorice has something called glycyrrhizin in it and it can elevate your blood pressure and increase water retention – bad bad no – whereas DGL has had the glycyrrhizin removed so it’s safe to treat heartburn. Talk to grey braid person and your medical pro to make sure you’re taking the correct stuff.

Salicylate or acetylsalicylic acid (Alka Seltzer): This one is a no-no because it contains aspirin, which can interfere with your blood's clotting action during pregnancy.

Sodium bicarbonate (baking soda): Many, many sites will tell you to take baking soda in a glass of water to neutralize stomach acid. The problem is baking soda causes water retention in both you and your baby. The last thing a pregnant lady needs is water retention. Baking soda actually has a category C rating for pregnancy from the FDA, if you can believe it. Don’t worry, you can still bake your cookies, just don’t drink glasses of it.

Aluminum hydroxide or aluminum carbonate (Mylanta, Maalox): It looks like this ingredient isn’t so much dangerous as it can contribute to constipation, so you’re better off going with the other alternatives.

So hopefully something here will help extinguish the burn and you won't be an idiot like me and just power through like some kind of dum dum martyr.

Let me know what you've had success with though and keep trying the ice cream method until it works!

Round Up – Issue 5: February 2013

Amy Morrison — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 16:52:21 +0000

I’m just making it under the wire here (damn, February is short) so I’m just going to jump right in.

First up are a few of articles that I just love.

Julie Miner wrote this amazing piece called, A Letter to My Kids Because I’m 40 and that’s Old on Huffington Post and I think it’s brilliant and beautiful and chocked full of true life advice rather than the dance-like-no-one is-watching crap – which is good advice if you want to get tasered at the mall. My favorite was, “Value resiliency and not just brokenness” I want to have the whole article tattooed on my back.

The other post I love is I Really Hope My Son Gets to Be a Boyscout by John Kinnear from Ask Your Dad (he’s going to start thinking I’m stalking him – better return the night goggles.)

It is an honest, brave, well written letter he wrote the National Executive Board of the Boy Scouts of America about their delayed decision on whether or not to allow the LGBT community to be open members of their organization.

“It is time to change. I believe you can change – and as scary as it is, I believe you can survive that change.“

I think it takes a strong person to admit that what they did when they were 13 was shitty, but it’s a really cool move to use that shitty moment to try and change stuff that’s happening now. Bravo.

You know when you go on a site like Amazon to see what kind of rating people gave things and you see conflicting reviews all over the place? You never know if the person commenting is a nut, or a dick, or some company owner’s brother-in-law that is just singing its praises so they aren’t banned from Christmas.

So this site called weeSpring came up with the idea of having your friends weigh in on what you should get when you’re expecting. From the “must haves” to the “don’t bothers”. They can give a thumbs up or thumbs down on items, so it saves you from having to constantly ask what they think about each item you need to buy.

You can also follow what other people recommended. So if a gal recommended five things you know you want, you can safely assume she has similar taste to you and can check out her other recommendations with more confidence than a random stranger that may or may not be saving hair from the sink drain.

It looks like you can also win $500 towards you “wish list” of items right now so it’s worth checking out.

I also added a new board on Pinterest (yeah, you know me) for Tech stuff and Apps. Everybody keeps sending me app suggestions and I have nowhere to put them. Even though I can’t attest to how well they are work – sorry, I’m not trying out a contraction timer no matter how much I love you guys – but at least you can see what’s out there. I am forever blown away by how shit the app store is and how impossible it is to find stuff in it.

A while back I noticed someone on facebook asked if anyone knew of any good meal planning services. I was keen to see what people said because I was so damn tired of figuring out what the hell to make for dinner every night. So I noticed that there was one consistent recommendation: No More To Go. So I checked it out.

Stacey, who runs the site, is a mom that has a good grip on what kids will eat and what you realistically have time to prepare. I loved that her recipes were healthy without going too over the top – like the time I tried to bake kale into muffins. A betrayal my children will surely mention at their weddings.

So I signed up and I love it!

Every Friday you receive an email with the weekly dinner menus (five dinners) and a printable grocery list so it’s all laid out for you.

We’ve been signed up since September and we haven’t had one stinker. Not one!

My husband loves the food because he doesn’t like anything too “hippy and bird seed weird”. My kids are trying new stuff and actually eating. Best of all, I don’t have the angst of trying to figure out what the hell to make every night. Winner, winner chicken dinner!

The nicest part is that there is always something pretty healthy in there so you can dial it up or down depending on who you’re feeding. I’m trying to lose weight, so I dial up the salad on my plate. My husband calls mixed greens, “stuff-that-grows-in-the-sidewalk-crack salad”, so I dial up the main and give him fewer “grass clippings”. She’s also has adjustments for making the meals vegetarian and gluten-free.

The price is nice too. A one month subscription is only $7 and the whole year is just $64. Considering a how much time and effort I used scouring recipes in expensive books and online (with mixed results), I think it’s a pretty good deal.

So I talked to Stacey and she has set up a promo code so you guys can get 50% off a subscription if you use the code PREGGO.

You can also check out a few sample meals if you wanted to see if the recipes were your cup of tea before you signed up. (I highly recommend the Thai Steak Wraps).

I have a few pictures that are so cute that they make my heart sing like a wild thing. I missed the boat for most of these with my kids, so take them for me, will ya?

I love this:

daxmodevo.tumblr

And this:

Marisa Matluck

And this:

Wynona Robison

Also, the giveaway section is back up and running again after months of me trying to figure out the best way to get you good stuff (it’s like I’m shopping for bathing suits while doing math for petesake.) I’m sure there will still be hiccups along the way but we’ll get ‘er figured out. So, thanks for your patience and let the bounty of bodacious baby stuff roll!

Lastly, I wanted to talk about Facebook again.

I was getting a little swamped with the question emails (to say the least) so I recruited my mother to help post them (she’ll be mortified that I’ve mentioned that in case she makes a mistake.) She's quickly becoming a Facebook ninja that’s scheduling all the questions so they don’t come all at once but, don’t be surprised if she shows up on your doorstep with a tray of cookie and a quilt because she’s touched by all of your questions and worries too much.

If you send a message on Facebook it will take about a week to get posted so if you have a question that needs a quick answer, you’re best to post it on the wall.

Speaking of which, if you have a moment, could you take a boo at the questions on the wall? They don’t end up in the feeds so they don’t get as many answers but the questions are really interesting and I’m sure the askers would really appreciate it.

The response to this has been overwhelming and you know why? Because you guys are fucking awesome, that’s why.

I look at other threads for pregnancy sites and the feedback is mean, judgmental, and downright rude. No wonder we all flock to the warm bosom of the Burd readers with their kick ass compassion!

Thank you, thank you for providing a kind, safe forum for all of us to have. I swear to God I’m going to rent a cruise liner and throw a big bash with all my readers one day because it would be the best party ever! Okay, maybe not a cruise liner because I hate cruises and don’t want the toilets to overflow from a busted engine and have poo running down the wall so we all get Norovirus. Plus, some of you are pregnant and we need to have a good piss up….

I’ll have to work those details out.

I’ll see what Ryan Gosling’s appearance fee is – and if there is an additional cost for him to forego pants. I’ll totally have a bake potato bar and a fortune teller so you can count on that fun!

"I think the 'shrooms are kicking in, Mittens!"

Your Pregnant Body – 20 Things They Don't Tell You

Amy Morrison — Sat, 23 Feb 2013 01:17:58 +0000

Ah yes, you’ve told people you’re pregnant and so the questions begin, “how do you feel?”, “are you tired?”, “do you have morning sickness?” , “are you hungry?”, etc.

Symptoms like fatigue, nausea, back and joint pain, constant peeing, constant hunger and being “emotional” (both good and bad) are all considered par for the course when it comes to pregnancy so no one is too surprised by them. However, there are many (many) more delights that can come along with a positive pregnancy test that people don't talk about or show you in the movies.

Here are just 20 of the lesser known pregnancy side effects and symptoms to give you a bit of a heads up (or scare the crap out of you if you’re a teenager that wants to be on a reality show) so you know you're not alone.

You may have all of them to which I can only say, “I’m sorry” and only assume that karma will reward you down the road because you hit a lottery of crap. Or you may have none, to which I say, “Lucky, whore” and seat you at the exquisite birth table that is currently occupied only by Gisele Bundchen – my patron saint of pregnancy (sorry, Saint Gerard Majella, you just don't cut it with me as a pregnancy saint because you're a virgin....and a man.)

So sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a faithful trip, that started in this uterus and quickly turned to shit. (Just kidding, but I love Gilligan’s Island).

Here we go:

1. You May Have Sore Boobs:

One of the first pregnancy symptoms that many women experience is sore boobs. Essentially your body sends a memo upstairs saying, “the eagle has landed” and your breasts turn to each other and say, “This is what we’ve been training for, man! Not getting out of traffic tickets. Not holding up tube tops. Not getting free drinks. It’s show time!” Then they flip the switch and start getting ready for milk production. Extra blood flow, fat production (hello awesome rack) and hormones all make for tender tatas especially in the first few weeks.

2. Your Nipples May Protrude and You Areolas May Darken:

Ah yes, creepy guys around the world just said, “nice” to this little extra feature.

Once again, your breasts are gung ho about the baby news so they want to make sure everything is ready to roll – they are like an enthusiastic grandmother stocking up on tinker toys – so they turn on the perma high beams and that can be uncomfortable.

Your areolas also tend to get darker, larger and jack up the little sweat gland bumps that will lube up the area when you’re breastfeeding.

While both have a bit of a ‘belch’ factor for some women, it’s completely normal so don’t sweat it too much and try to limit your braless, white t-shirt outings if you don’t want to cause traffic pile ups.

3. You May Have Extra Spit:

Why the extra saliva? Who knows.

It seems to affect quite a few women during pregnancy and no one seems to know why. Hormones seem to be blamed for the cause because it’s the go to reason for most things during pregnancy. Nausea also is a plausible reason as well because extra saliva is typically the body’s warning mechanism to tell you to get ready to barf.

Long and short of it is it doesn’t affect your pregnancy in any way so don’t worry about it because it’s perfectly normal.

Unless of course you’re not actually pregnant in which case both rabies and dementia can cause excess saliva. So, you know, check that shit out.

4. You May Be Constipated:

You have extra progesterone pumping through you right now and it’s pretty important – hence the name that means “pro gestating” – because it relaxes your uterus muscles so you don’t have early contractions (just to name one of its important jobs).

The downside is that it helps relax all your muscles so you get constipated easily.

“Wouldn’t relaxed muscles actually give me diarrhea?” you say. Oh contraire, my Petal. Your intestinal tract actually works very hard to move stuff through, so once they get a little lazy, shit stops moving. Literally. Shit stops moving.

Move more, drink water, eat small meals and increase your fiber intake seems to be the suggested course of action. You may as well commit this phrase to memory because it is pretty much the remedy suggested for EVERY. SINGLE. PREGNANCY AILMENT. ON THE PLANET.

Just don’t use laxatives (or at least talk to a medical provider before you do) because they can screw things up even more and there may be an easier fix before you go that route.

This is also a nice segue into our next delightful treat….

5. You Might Get Hemorrhoids:

Congratulations, you’re slowing turning inside out! Weeee!

Although it may seem like your body is dropping out of your ass, hemorrhoids are actually veins in and around your rectum becoming swollen and can affect up to 50% of pregnant women. Lucky! Lucky!

Your growing uterus and increased blood flow is usually the culprit, but both constipation and delivery can cause them as well. They can run the gamut from itching to downright painful, but thankfully they usually resolve themselves after pregnancy.

Lying down on your side also helps keep the pressure off that area, so cue up a good movie and put in park for the sake of your ass.

And guess what? Drinking plenty of water and increasing your fiber intake helps. Who knew?!

6. You May Be Congested:

Some women suffer from nasal congestion during their pregnancy and it can be a huge drag. Estrogen causes the mucous membranes in your nose to swell along with everything else, so it can cause congestion and even nosebleeds.

So pretty. Nothing quite like a pregnant woman walking around looking like she stepped out of a UFC Octagon.

Oh, I should also mention that this also may cause snoring when you sleep as well.

“Oh snap, is that a Victoria Secret model sleeping next to me or my pregnant wife?” is without question what your husband will be asking himself on a nightly basis… if he’s smart.

7. You May Have Heartburn:

Remember that awesome hormone, progesterone that relaxes your uterus so it doesn’t eject your baby like a 007 car? Well, it’s also relaxing a muscle called the lower esophageal sphincter. This loosening can cause stomach acid to back up into your esophagus.

Whether it’s called acid indigestion, acid reflex or heartburn, it can feel like you’re gargling battery acid and it’s awful.

Thankfully this throat valve goes back to keeping the fires at bay once you've given birth.

8. You Might Suffer From Leg Cramps:

“Arrrgh, son-of-a-bitch leg cramp!” is something you may utter when you’re pregnant. Most likely it will be when you finally get to sleep after your heartburn subsides and your nose clears.

No one knows what causes them.* The possible culprits are compressed blood vessels, or just the pressure of carrying around more weight. Either way, they are painful and wrench you out of a glorious sleep like an air horn. Quickest trick to relieve them is to flex your foot upwards and straighten your leg like you’re going to touch your shin with your big toe.

* Yet there was a study to see if rats could tell the difference between Japanese and Dutch. Spoiler alert: they can but not when spoken backwards. Thanks, Science, you suck today.

9. You Might Get Restless Leg Syndrome:

Restless leg syndrome is not dangerous or a sign that anything is wrong, but it can be uncomfortable and disrupt your sleep.

No one really knows what causes the Jimmy legs (see rat study above), but it’s very common during pregnancy and it tends to happen at night affecting the lower legs between the knee and ankle, although, it can also occur in your feet and arms.

Stretching, warms baths, acupuncture and massage seem to be the suggested remedies, but also mention it to your healthcare provider because they may want to check your iron levels to make sure you aren’t sporting a deficiency.

Some women keep a food journal to see if something they eat (typically later in the day) is triggering the jumpy legs at night. It’s certainly worth a shot. I suppose you could take up clogging or Celtic dance too.

10. You Might Get Sweaty:

“Fire up the engines, we have a baby to make!” is what your body is telling your metabolism and hormones, which kicks up your blood flow, which makes you sweat like a whore in church.

Pregnancy “glow” is often caused by this internal furnace overdrive so hopefully your rosy cheeks and dewy complexion with distract from your wet pits and cleavage-stream. Hey, sometimes you gotta sweat like a pig to look like a fox, right?

11. You Might Break Out in Acne:

Not so fast my glowing, Angel. This can also turn ugly with acne because hormones can stimulate your sebaceous glands, which can then cause zits. The best part?! You can’t use a lot of the stuff that we use to treat them like Accutane, Retin-A, tetracycline, etc. because they can cause nasty birth defect. Thankfully, companies are starting to fill this gap and are creating pregnancy safe acne treatments so you don’t have to walk around like a teenager full of angst in a John Hughes film – "I love you, Jake!"

12. Your Feet Might Get Bigger:

Do your shoes feel tight? Do you have Fred Flinstone feet like I did during my pregnancies?

Well, it’s from a couple of things, relaxin is one because it’s relaxing the ligaments in your body – including your feet – so they spread out. Your body is also retaining fluids and, to over simplify it, those fluids tend to pool at the bottom of your body (namely your feet) so they puff up. Add a bunch on baby weight onto that and you’re sporting two loaves of bread baking out of your ballet flats.

Your feet make actually go up a size permanently because they may not snap back to their original shape after the baby comes. Okay, there are a couple of things that may not snap back to their original shape after the baby comes but we’re talking feet right now.

If you find your feet, hands and face swells suddenly though, go see your doctor because it can be a sign of preeclampsia and you don’t want that shit.

13. You Might Wet Your Pants:

Tee hee she has to pee! It’s fairly common knowledge that women have to pee a lot when they are pregnant. What they don’t always mention is that the control around peeing may be a little compromised as well.

Your bladder sits right under your uterus so as your baby grows, your bladder can’t always take the pressure (cue R. Kelly). The dam usually leaks from abdomen pressure, such as sneezing, coughing or exercising. Reason 4,357 not to do jumping jacks during allergy season I suppose.

This is one of the rare cases where “plenty of water” is not recommended as a remedy. Kegels are. They are the smug I-told-so exercises of pregnancy so get used to hearing about them.

14. Your Gums May Bleed:

Progesterone is the culprit again. Bleeding gums are a fairly common side effect of pregnancy and isn’t cause for concern.

It is recommended that you avoid sweets (fuck that noise), visit your dentist while you’re pregnant (tell them you’re pregnant so you don’t get an x-ray) and rinse your mouth with water after you throw up if you have morning sickness.

Why thank you! I would never have thought of ridding my mouth of the taste of vomit after I barfed! I wonder if they have any recommendation if I come upon hot garbage on the sidewalk? Do I eat it? Do I avoid it? What is a pregnant woman to do?

15. You Might Suffer From Itchy Skin:

Stretching and estrogen are often to blame for itchy skin and it's really common during pregnancy.

It looks like the best way to treat is the same way you’d treat winter skin – lower the temperature in your shower, moisturize, and try not to use harsh soaps, etc.

That said, it’s worth mentioning itching to your caregiver – especially if your palms and feet are itchy – because they’ll probably want to make sure your liver is happy.

16. You Might Have a Keener Sense of Smell:

Can you smell fish? In the fridge? At your next door neighbour's house?

Heightened sense of smell is a charming pregnancy symptom that many think is cute, unless of course it’s you experiencing it and you’re sitting next to a co-worker that smells like B.O. doused in a cologne called "Repulsion".

It’s caused by estrogen and can really wreak havoc on your gag reflex exacerbating morning sickness (a.k.a. all day sickness).

Suggestions range from chewing gum to avoiding strong smells.

(Again, I hope money wasn’t spent on a study to see if "avoiding strong smells helped a heightened olfactory system". Put that in the money pile from the Dutch rat study along with the “Is water wet?” study, and we could dig a hundred wells in the third world.)

17. You Might Have Bad Gas:

Er, remember how I said progesterone and relaxin slow everything down and loosen everything up? Mmmm, yeah. Well, that includes your gastrointestinal muscles, which slows down your digestion, which forms gas. Gas that could rival a basement full of college guys consuming beer and cabbage in burp form. And gas that could singe nose hair and kill canaries if it’s in fart form.

Whether it’s the roof or the basement, gas usually comes along for the ride on the pregnancy train. Toot! Toooooooot!

18. Your Skin Pigment May Change:

Hormones kick up your melanin cells and they produce more pigment which will darken your freckles, areolas and that charming line that runs down your belly called the linea nigra. It can also go a little nuts with the "tan dial" and cause random blotches on the skin called Chloasma.

This hyperpigmentation tends to be more noticeable in women with darker complexions but it typically fades after you give birth.

19. Your Vaginal Discharge May Change:

I believe scientists thought long and hard to come up with the most disgusting sounding name for the milky white vaginal discharge that often comes along with pregnancy, and I think they did it with the term “leukorrhea”. It’s a combination of the Latin terms for “light” and “flow”, but sounds like the noise a cat makes before throwing up morphed with the word “diarrhea”.

You don’t have to worry about it though – no matter how gross it sounds – and you have the extra estrogen in your body to thank for stimulating all the mucous membranes in your body.

Stay away from douches and vaginal wipes because it can throw off your PH balance and that can unleash a whole lot of nasty. Most sites suggest “clean” and “dry” with a panty liner back up, is the best line of defense, but I like to think we’ve all figured out that universal lady garden tip by now.

20. You Might Get Skin Tags:

I was going to cover off stretch marks for the last symptoms, but most of us know those battle scars can strike with pregnancy so I went with skin tags.

These are the little handles that your body makes so angels can hang on them while they kiss your baby goodnight.

Ha ha, fuck no, they are icky little skin growths that pop up in high friction areas like your armpits, neck and under your boobs. It’s your body going nuts with the baby news and producing extra random skin. Thanks Body, you’re like a crazy, elderly aunt that places hummel figurines all over her apartment in case Elvis comes over.

They are completely benign and will usually go away on their own. If not, you can just leave them (who cares) or have them removed.

Don’t you feel stunning now!?

Listen, human bodies are gross – just ask the old man cleaning out his ears with a paper clip at the mall – but rarely do they produce something as perfect and beautiful as a baby. And that’s the sickest part of all – it’s worth it.

So try to focus on the good parts of pregnancy and less on the crap, and if you're feeling brave, you can check out the things that may happen after you give birth too.

After all, this too shall pass (gas). Brffpft!

Which ones did I miss? What else would you add?

Round Up – Issue 4: January 2013

Amy Morrison — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 15:55:38 +0000

Oh man, what a holiday whirlwind this year was. If I had a time machine I would go back 70 years and say, “Let’s create an expensive toy that has to be assembled, breaks if you breathe on it, and is excruciating to step on. We shall call it LEGO!” Curse those sharp little blocks – at least the boxes are easy to wrap.

Now that the New Year is here, we all start 2013 with a clean, fresh slate. Ahhhhhh.

First off, I’m not sure if you’ve heard but I finished the Pregnancy Calendar. Snort. I know I’m becoming one of those assholes that ran a marathon or climbed a mountain and can’t shut up about it now. I promise I’ll stop soon, but I haven’t been this proud of finishing something since I learned to drive stick shift. If you haven’t read it (perhaps you were being held hostage by Yeti or some other reason that I cannot fathom) then feel free to check it out here.

Next up is an amazing book, and I don’t say that often because I rarely have time to wash my hair let alone read a book.

It’s called: The Circumcision Decision: An Unbiased Guide for Parents.

I have two boys so the topic of circumcision did come up before they were born and I wish this book had been around at the time. (I won’t tell you what we decided because I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me broadcasting the state of their peens on a website – I hope they remember that when I vacuum up their stupid Lego.)

This is an excerpt from the intro, “We set out to write a short book about circumcision to fill the gap between the pro-circumcision books and websites and the anti-circumcision books and websites, all of which work earnestly and often effectively, to convince you to adopt their position. We wanted to give you a balanced, accurate, and fair book to help you make a smart decision about circumcision. We also thought that the decision deserves more information than the few pages most books for expectant parents devote to the decision. And we decided that the subject was serious enough and interesting enough for us to devote more than a year of our lives to research and write it!”

It’s a well written, easy read and I’d recommend to anyone having a boy. You can find it on their website, or at Amazon and Barnes & Noble as well.

While we’re on the topic of great resources for parents, I added quite a few pins to my Great Resources – Kids and Babies board, including this illustrated guide for infant choking first aid and CPR (insert shudder and mom terror here). And always feel free to pass along helpful resources for other parents and I’ll add it to the board. I had another board with pins I was meaning to read but I had to remove it because a few of the articles were shit and people thought I was recommending them and that’s no bueno.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I thought I would post the heartwarming notes you can share with your spouse. I know, I can feel the love too.

I love this post called, “MEN CAN EXPERIENCE WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE A BABY. KINDA. SORTA.” that Karen Alpert (Baby Sideburns) wrote on Scary Mommy. That gal cracks me up. Her Facebook page is fantastic too. I’m never sure what I love more, her hysterical commentary, or the odd troll that comes out of nowhere is says something so utterly ridiculous that you want to Fedex them a crate of cat shit.

Also check out lil helper if you’re looking for a good laugh and some amazing products.

They specialize in cloth diapers, but I have the Bamboo Mattress Protector and while I love its glorious quality and versatility (it really is lovely and worth the bucks), it’s the story behind it that cracks me up. I read the whole site and I have absolutely have no need for cloth diapers, well, I could probably use them for jumping jacks but that’s another story.

I was contacted by these guys a while ago and thought it could be a great fit as an “older sibling occupier” when you have a newborn – a quiet, fun activity that doesn’t include your lipstick and the couch.

Green Kid Crafts is a mom owned, earth friendly company that sends nature-themed craft kits to kids ages 3-8 on a monthly basis. There are three craft activity projects inside, everything included, so you just open the box and get going.

They sent me the dinosaur box and my boys (4 and 6) nearly shit themselves with excitement. I had to help with a couple of scissor cuts here and there, but they were off and running with the rest of it. They did all three crafts and I didn’t hear a peep from them. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

If you missed this on my Facebook page, I found this post about this sweet dog. Please let me know if you know the source for this – I'd love to send this dog a box of biscuits and a pillow. I know how he feels.

Hannes Beer

Lastly, I wanted to get all misty and tell you all how amazing you have been with the Facebook questions. I look at other sites and there’s always some jerk that swoops in and gets all critical and mean and belittles the person asking the question. Your answers are helpful, insightful, kind, and free from judgment.

You really are the shit.

The Pregnancy Calendar is Finally Here!

Amy Morrison — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 19:40:41 +0000

It’s done! I finally finished the Pregnancy Calendar!

Remember when I said I was going to do it and you were all “Yay, I just found that I’m pregnant!” So as you zip a coat on that two-year old, you can see how I excel at procrastination.

I thought it was going to be really easy. You know, I know some stuff about pregnancy so all I have to do is write a couple lines about how your baby is the size of a peanut and we’re good to go. After all, the hard part is programming and Natalie from Baby List said that she’d do all that for me. Awesome!

Except I quickly figured out that a lot of shit goes down during pregnancy (my two pregnancies should have given me a clue to this) and I wanted to find a balance between funny and informative so I ended up getting a little frozen in indecision.

Finally Natalie emailed me and said, “How do I make this happen for you?” and did everything short of holding my hand and telling me that I was pretty so I’d get the molasses out of my ass and get it done. I will be forever grateful.

I finally got it churned out so you can have 42 weeks of glorious Burd to see you through your pregnancy riddled with sparkling entertainment, valuable information and gross grammatical errors.

If you want to sign up, just fill out the information below and you’ll start getting delicious Chicken delivered right to your inbox:

Thank you all for your support and your kind words about this little project. I especially appreciate the emails letting me know where the errors are so I’m not horrified that I typed ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’ like someone that says, “Can you be more pacific?”

I wish each and every one of you sat next to me in high school – we would have partied hard and had crazy 80s hair but I have no doubt I would have had better report cards.

Hope you like it and stay tuned for more posts now that I have this monkey (dressed in a shearling coat) off my back.

Bawk!

Round Up – Issue 3: December 2012

Amy Morrison — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 23:56:15 +0000

Hey Gang, ready for a round up? I FINALLY finished writing the Pregnancy Calendar so keep an eye out for that in the new year as well as more posts from me now that I have that monkey off my back – I think it’s epic, man.

Here are some of the things that landed on my laptop that I thought were cool and worth mentioning.

Bobee Diaper & Wipe Dispenser: This lands under the why-the-hell-has-no-one-thought-of-this-before? It’s a wall-mounted diaper and wipe caddy that allows for one-handed access so you can keep one hand safely on your baby. I can’t tell you how many times I cursed the wipe container because I couldn’t pull the wipe out with one hand while cleaning up a massive back-shit disaster. It also holds the diapers so your baby can’t grab five and drag them through said disaster (happened to me three times). It runs around $50 but it looks like some places have it on sale now.

Campchickaree Prints: Someone sent me a link to these and I thought they would be great in a nursery. This is the grizzly from California and they also have a badger from Wisconsin. I’m hoping they have a whole series of states but I never actually checked with them. As soon as you show me a picture of a bear, I just run with it and don't look back. It’s $16.

Dear Kate: At first glance these guys just look like they make pretty underthings, but all their underpants (I refuse to say “panties) actually have a built-in lining provides a leak-resistant, breathable layer to guard against leaks and other delightful surprises of motherhood. They sent me the pair in the picture (Which is exactly how I looked in them down to the noticeable space between my upper thighs. Snort.) Even though I didn’t test them through a wardrobe malfunction in white pants, they did hold up to sneezing on a full bladder and watching Community so I’d say they’re winners. I would consider them an environmentally friendly alternative to pantyliners. They also have a sale on now.

TOMgirl Apparel: While we’re on the topic of underwear. I should also mention these brilliant nursing bras from TOMgirl. When Amanda emailed me about them I was a little skeptical about a bra being sold on Etsy – I think I picture two quilted triangles held together with hemp – but she sent me one and it’s beautifully made with no hint of hemp triangles.

The Perfect Pregnancy Bra has a back closure, made with Velcro that adjusts eight or more inches to ease you through weight changes due to pregnancy and breastfeeding. They don’t have underwires and they have the nice padding in the cups to minimize headlights and the charming drink-coaster look you get from nursing pads. You can sleep in it and the open hooks allow for nursing. They are made in the USA and they run around $47.

Pregnant Banana Blog: Fantastic pregnancy blog where a woman chronicles her pregnancy. I’ve been meaning to tell you about this one for a while because I think it’s honest, fun and well written and as luck would have it, she just had her baby nine days ago!

Ask Your Dad Blog: I found this fella through one of his articles, 5 Things I’d Forgotten About Having a Newborn, featured on Huffington Post and I just fell in love with his site. He calls his two kids The Duchess and The Captain and his chats with his daughter will just melt your heart. Go read it.

Shit Stay at Home Moms Say: A reader sent me this video and I nearly died. When I posted it on Facebook some people got testy about the whole stay-at-home-mom reference, but I think all mothers, including me, have said half this crap at one time or another. I just can’t decide if the original or the outtakes are funnier.

I also love these cats:

I need these salt and pepper shakers (if they weren’t $125)

And I love this kid and his innocent, beautiful, unshitted outlook on life:

Lastly, I’ve stared a keepsake board on Pinterest that features all those personalized things that make us cry now that we have kids. Damn you sentiment!

Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve, my Pretties. Let’s have an amazing 2013, shall we?

Best Gifts for Babies

Amy Morrison — Wed, 05 Dec 2012 17:00:00 +0000

Click on the image above (or the link below) to see the entire list.

Let me start by saying babies don't need much – they are happy with a boob and a set of jingling keys – but just try to tell new grandparents, aunts and uncles that are itching to go nuts at Toys R Us. If you don't give them a list you will end up with a drum set or a battery operated Dora toy that can loop a stroke inducing "Hola!"

However, I’ve noticed that many sites are putting together baby gift lists that have a lot of, well, expensive, short-lived stuff on it. Don’t get me wrong, you know how I love me some hippy-whittled-Parisian-giraffe teethers, but when you’re shopping for a baby, you want to get things that your baby will really enjoy that aren’t necessarily cheap, but have a little staying power to get the most bang for your buck.

So I set up my own little list of what I thought a baby would like for its first Festivus on Baby List.

I tried to pick things that had lasting appeal and could be enjoyed by your baby now, and down the road. And I tried to pick things that are practical, and things you'd like to have, but would never buy for yourself. I've got a pretty good span going on because your baby could be brand new or almost a year old this holiday, so keep that in mind.

Check out the list to find the items shown above (plus more) and let me know some of the great gifts that you think should be added.

Best Gifts for Babies List

Round Up – Issue 2: November 2012

Amy Morrison — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 17:46:37 +0000

Okay, so I missed October’s Round Up. So I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss November because I’ve found some really cool shit that I think you’ll like. Here goes:

Someone passed along this site called Family Bedrock and they have some really neat stuff. I’m particularly fond of the Tummy Tie – pregnancy aside, ‘tis the season for tight pants and I may get one myself. They have an interesting cross section of products including these wicked soothers and this Pure Poppet lip balm and powder for the little kid who’s keen on dress-up but without all the toxic ingredients.

I don’t have a belly button piercing, so I never would have even thought of this, but if you’re pregnant your piercing may get a little uncomfortable. Enter the Pregnancy Piercings™ Pregnancy Belly Button Ring. They are made from a medical grade plastic that is flexible and non-metallic. Great idea.

Oh, and if you want to really test the strength of your Tummy Tie and Belly Button Ring, check out my friend, Italo’s, food board on Pinterest. I don’t know how he finds this stuff but I am forever saying, “Holy shit, Nutella filled cupcakes with Nutella frosting?!” Bravo Italo. His other boards are really good too but I love the decadent edibles he pins – I just hope he's ready for my "Why am I fat?" whining.

Love, love this blog called Hysterically Ever After. She has some incredible posts about post partum depression that are insightful, witty and honest. I love this one called, A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.. in particular. She's funny and a good writer and I'd like to drink with her.

You know what I love? Craft kits for kids because it keeps them busy and I don’t feel guilty about them doing it like watching t.v. You know what I hate? Craft kits that need so much of my help that I am doing the damn craft instead of doing the task I was trying to keep my kids busy for. Toilets don’t clean themselves, people!

That is why I love these Eye Can Art kits. They come with everything you need to do the craft, and I mean everything. Scissors, pencil crayons (the good kind), and pre-folded and cut paper (thank you).

These kits are created by art educators, teach open-ended, authentic art techniques with no stencils or templates, and have won multiple toy awards including Parent's Choice, Tillywig, Education.com, and Oppenheim.

We got the Book in a Box Kit and my kids loved it and, more importantly, I didn’t hear a peep out of them for an hour. Glorious. I'm going to go out on a limb and even say it was even better than Dick in a Box. Bold, I know.

I figure they’d make an excellent older-sibling gift for someone with a newborn.

They also sent me a $5 discount code. Sweet. Just use the code HOLIDAYKITS12 at check out. Offer expires 12/17/12. Limit one discount per order.

If you’re looking to be cheered up, check out my new Bad Day Fixer Board on Pinterest. It has quality items like this incredible dog poster and two high-guys dancing around to Bollywood music that is sure to make your spirits soar.

This is a perfect example of something I would have thought was absolutely ridiculous before I had kids but I now I think is brilliant. It’s called a Pump Strap and here’s what it’s about:

Extremely secure and form fitting
One size fits all. So as your body changes, it changes with you.
It goes on and off in seconds. Shift your bra and blouse up, wrap the strap snugly, tuck in flanges, and you're pumping.
Works with any pumping system, including Ameda, Medela and Lansinoh.
It is easy to take care of, easily washed in the washing machine and durable enough to stand several pregnancies as well as passed down to friend or family for many more years of use.
It is just as effective but is much less expensive at $25 (other hands-free bras run at $40).

Kati Ann Photography

As you know, I’m a real sucker for sweet little sibling photos. So this shot from Kati Ann Photography just melted my heart. I think the thing I love most about it is that it would be an amazing shot no matter how her son reacted to the baby – unless he kicked over the basket. I guess that would be bad.

Do you need a little something to add to your holiday list? Well, have I got the thing for you. Tieks. They sent me a pair of their ballet flats because their customers kept telling them how amazing they are to wear during pregnancy, and I can see why. You can tell they are really well made and, man, are they comfortable. They’re like the louboutin’s of flats (even though it’s probably not cool to compare one shoe designer to another). They come in every colour imaginable (I got leopard print because I’m bad ass and cutting edge – stop laughing) so I think I may spring for something more neutral like this pink pair next time.

Lastly, I found this neat site called Deposit a Gift, where you can let friends and family know what you need most with a customizable cash gift registry.

I find that people like to feel like they are buying something instead of just handing over the cash. Unfortunately, you can’t buy a gift certificate for the baby’s passport – and you may need that way more than jammies –so something like this does a good job of making the gift giver feel like they are doing something more personal than handing over a fifty, and you get to allocate the money where you need it most. Here’s a sample site to give you an idea of how it works.

Hope you like 'em. Giddy up!

Best Baby Shower Crasher: Hint: It's the Baby.

Amy Morrison — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 17:54:17 +0000

A woman name, Danijela had this amazing birth story and I just had to share it with you guys because I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

Enjoy.

My mom was throwing a baby shower brunch on Sunday September 16, 2007, three weeks before my due date. Her house was packed with people, because she does not know the meaning of a "small" gathering.

But at my house, I had my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and best friend staying with us. What a blast that was!

But I'll back track a little, in order to be able to tell the whole story: At about 28 weeks, I swtiched caregivers from my OB/GYN to my midwife. After doing the hospital tour, my husband and I both realized we would prefer a more intimate and personal setting for the birth of our first child. We met with the midwife and felt at complete ease with her. We went to our regular visits with Mary Henderson (our midiwfe) and everything looked great; no complications and nothing to worry about. On Thursday, September 13 I went in for my now weekly check up (36 weeks) and as I was getting ready to leave, Mary said "Lay down. I want to do an exam". Ok, I did. She told me that I was about 10% effaced (don't remember exactly) and that the baby could come at any time. Didn't think anything of it, other than, of course the baby can come at anytime!

Friday at work, I'm feeling a little different. My stomach is feeling strange and doing funny things. Realized it was braxton hicks contractions. my body was preparing. On Satruday, with company in the house, preparing food for the shower and enjoying the swelling in my legs, I was too distracted to notice anything. Until I took a shower! I called my husband into the bathroom to please tell me what this was. He didn't know. Well, just lost my mucus plug. Ok, on we go with our day. Ran some errands with my sister in law and asked my husband to come with, I just didn't feel comfortable going any where by myself.

That evening we were sitting around laughing at the music I was adding to my babyshower playlist: "I'm Coming Out", "My Sweet Baby", "Dirty Dancing", etc. We all said good night and went to bed...See you in the morning!

At 11:15 I awoke having to go to the bathroom. Realized my bed was wet! Oh my, did I already go? Woke up my husband, told him I think my water broke and he asked how did I know. I didn't know! Made to the bathroom and then there was a gush of water - yes, I was sure, my water had broken and my contractions started. He called Mary and she said that I should rest between contractions. SInce it's my first pregnancy, it will probably we a while. Contractions were 5 minutes apart and very intense and getting closer and closer and more intense. I was in the shower, in our bath tub and trying to get through the contractions that were not letting up. My midwife was trying to sleep on the couch (because all the rooms were taken by our guests). My husband went to her and said that the contractions were less than 1 minute apart. Sure enough, she checked and I was dialated 10cm and it was time to push. During this time, my mother in law did wake up. She woke up my sister-in-law, but my best friend was able to sleep through everything.

So at 3:16am, I delivered my beautiful healthy baby girl 6lbs 12oz and 21". She came into the world screaming, but once she was placed on my stomach any discomfort that I had expereinced was gone! I looked at my husband and said, "I can do this again!". It was simply amazing. We all woke up, had coffee and could not believe that we went to bed and woke up with a baby.

But our day had just begun. My best friend stayed with me, while everyone else went to my mom's to help her with setting up. No one mentioned that I had the baby. So when I walked in, holding a baby, they all thought it was a doll - not a real live baby that was only 8 hours old. The first of the series of questions was: When did you have the baby? Followed by, how did they let you out of the hospital? Finally, what do you mean you had her at home?!?! Priceless!!!

I loved my experience and I did do it again in November of 2010: Water broke and 4 hours later, our second daughter was born at home.

I love my husband and I love my midwife. WIthout them, I would not have been able to do it.

I guess the baby heard there'd be pie and she just didn't want to miss out.

Awesome story, eh?

Scary Shit Series – Congenital Heart Defects

Amy Morrison — Thu, 15 Nov 2012 15:47:45 +0000

There are a couple of reasons I want to write about congenital (meaning present at birth) heart defects in this series. One is to suggest what the hell to do if you’re told your baby has one, and the second it to tell you what to watch out for once your baby is born in case it was missed.

Everybody knows that hearts are pretty important - hence the inevitable freak out if you’re told in an ultrasound that your baby might have a defect in theirs.

Heart abnormalities are among the most common form of birth defects – more than 32,000 infants are born with them every year (1 out of every 125 to 150). Some of them won’t be apparent for many years, while others are a problem right off the bat and need medical attention immediately.

The good news is that almost all heart defects can be treated with today’s medical advancements. Phew, good.

If your baby is diagnosed with a heart defect (often at your 20 week ultrasound), the advice I was given was to get a referral to the best cardiologist you can find before the baby is born. Then make sure the cardiologist and the pediatrician you choose can (and will) communicate with each other. Pretty obvious – although, I am constantly floored at how many professionals won’t play nicely in the sandbox even when a child’s health is in question (but that’s a soapbox I’ll drag out on another day).

Then do your homework and get familiar with your child’s condition so you can make informed decisions. (Check.)

Most importantly, get ready to look and feel like an idiot. I should mention that this goes for all facets of parenthood (see chart here). If you ask questions and you’re met with rolled eyes and an exhale, just remember that there is nobody on the planet that cares more about what happens to your kid than you, so you need to know what the ‘sitch is. You will look stupid and you will often look like a deranged honey badger so just accept it and move on.

Whether you child has, or has not, been diagnosed with a heart defect, here are some of the symptoms to tuck in your back pocket to watch out for:

Infants:

Tires easily during feeding (i.e. falls asleep before feeding finishes)
Sweating around the head, especially during feeding
Fast breathing when at rest or sleeping
Pale or bluish skin color
Poor weight gain
Sleeps a lot – not playful or curious for any length of time
Puffy face, hands, and/or feet
Prolonged or unexplained fever
Often irritable, difficult to console

Kids:

Gets out of breath during play
Difficulty "keeping up" with playmates
Tires easily/sleeps a lot
Change in color during active play or sports
(looks pale or has a bluish tint around mouth and nose)
Frequent colds and respiratory illnesses
Slow growth and weight gain/poor appetite
Complains of chest pain and/or heart pounding

Now, I know you see the problem here.

These symptoms are pretty typical on any given day with any given kid (aside from turning blue) so don’t go off the deep end like my friend’s daughter does anytime things get scary and pull your sundress up around your head while making a “IYEEEEEEE” sound like a bomb siren.

If your child has two or more of these symptoms, talk to your pediatrician about it being a possibility and they may give you a referral to a Pediatric Cardiologist. This isn’t a slam on doctors either, if you are coming in worried about a fussy baby that isn’t eating well, then colic, protein allergy and reflux may be the first issues they’ll rule out before they start alarming you with heart talk, so if you are noticing some of the other stuff, pipe up, my honey badger.

“Why in the hell don’t they test these kids for congenital heart defects before they leave the hospital?!” you ask. Well, they do in some places.

It’s called a pulse oximetry screen (or a pulse ox) where sensors are placed on the baby’s skin to determine the amount of oxygen in the blood and pulse rate. The test is painless and takes only a few minutes and is done when a baby is 24 to 48 hours of age, and all hospitals have this equipment (from what I can tell – if you know for sure let me know because I had trouble finding that online).

Not all hospitals do the screening so you may need to ask for it, although, many states and provinces are adding it to their newborn screening routine which is great considering it’s a non-invasive test, that is relatively cheap, easy to do, and it can throw a red flag up on something that can have a devastating impact on someone’s life if left unchecked.

Even though a pulse ox isn’t foolproof, they can detect up to seven possible critical congenital heart defects. If you are feeling especially bold, ask for four limb blood pressures on your baby as well, because it can often catch some of the flags that the pulse ox could miss.

Can you still hear me or are you too far out on the ledge of fear? I SAID ARE YOU TOO FAR OUT ON THE LEDGE OF FEAR TO HEAR ME?!

Okay, congenital heart defects are still relatively rare so it’s unlikely your baby will have one, but I wanted to do this post because I keep reading these heartbreaking stories about families that slipped through the cracks because the heart defect that their child had wasn’t caught and treated early enough simply because a test wasn’t offered and the signs weren’t known.

It’s a good-to-know-hope-you-never-need-it knowledge like CPR or the Macarena.

So put this info in your back pocket, go about your business, and for God’s sake, pull your sundress back down, my beautiful honey badger. You’re scaring the neighbours with your siren screaming.

Great Resources:

Article from CBC News: Newborn Heart Defect Screening Urged CDC: Screening for Critical Congenital Heart Defects Pulse Ox Advocacy: Find out what the current legislation is in your area congenitalheartdefects.com: Great informatiion and resources for the CHD community

Why You're Never Failing as a Mother

Amy Morrison — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 17:29:08 +0000

I’ve gotten a lot of emails from women saying they feel overwhelmed by motherhood. Not in a dangerous way, just in a “I totally suck and I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage all this” kind of way.

To this I say, you’re not supposed to.

If you think about it, if you had a baby thousands, if not hundreds of years ago, you would have had your mother, all your sisters (all of whom were probably lactating), and your nieces all taking care of your baby. They would help with food preparation, show you how to manage, and make sure your baby wasn’t eaten by a bear. Your kid’s feet probably wouldn’t have touched the ground until they themselves would be able to carry around an infant.

Back then the point of a child was to have free labour in the fields and someone to take care of your old ass down the road, and not much more.

As for the past generations that like to tell you that they raised six kids on their own and did it without a washing machine? Well, sort of. Keep in mind child rearing was viewed pretty differently not that long ago and you could stick a toddler on the front lawn with just the dog watching and nobody would bat an eye at it – I used to walk to the store in my bare feet to buy my father’s cigarettes when I was a kid. As a mother, you cooked, you cleaned, but nobody expected you to do anything much more than keep your kids fed and tidy.

My grandmother used to tell the story about how she forgot my mother at the grocery store in the early 40s. She walked up to the store with my mother sleeping in her carriage, parked it outside with all the other sleeping babies (I’ll let that sink in), went inside to do her shopping, then walked home forgetting that she’d taken the baby with her. She quickly realized her mistake and walked back and retrieved my mother who was still sleeping outside the store.

There were no flashcards, there was no sign language (unless you were deaf), there were no organic, free-range bento boxes – your job was to just see a kid through to adulthood and hope they didn’t become an idiot.

Hey, I’m not judging, and I’m not saying one way is better than the other, but I’m just saying that we are part of a generation that considers parenting as a skill. Like a true skill that needs to be mastered and perfected and if we don’t get it right we think our kids suffer for it and that's hard shit to keep up with. That's not to say other generations didn't have it tough or think parenting was important, but there just wasn't the same level of scrutiny that could be liked, tweeted or instagramed all at once.

You are in the trenches when you have a baby. To the untrained eye it seems pretty straightforward and easy – you feed them, you bathe them, you pick them up when they cry – but it’s more than that. It’s perpetual motion with a generous layer of guilt and self-doubt spread on top, and that takes its toll.

Feeling like you also need to keep on top of scrapbooking, weight loss, up-cycled onesies, handprints, crock pot meals, car seat recalls, sleeping patterns, poo consistency, pro-biotic supplements, swimming lessons, electromagnetic fields in your home and television exposure, is like trying to knit on a rollercoaster – it’s fucking hard.

We live in a time when we can google everything, share ideas, and expose our children to amazing opportunities, but anyone that implies that they have it figured out is either drunk or lying (or both) so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Your job is to provide your child with food, shelter, encouragement and love, and that doesn’t have to be solely provided by you either – feel free to outsource because they didn’t just pull that “it takes a village” proverb out of the air.

Mommy and Me classes, homemade lactation cookies, and learning Cantonese is all gravy, and if you can throw them in the mix once in a while, good on ya, Lady. I have about 9,000 things I've pinned on Pinterest and I think I've done four of them which is fine by me because those are above and beyond goodies, and not part of my just-scraping-by norm.

It’s an amazing and exciting time to have a baby right now, but always keep in mind, no one has ever done it like this before – you are pioneers that have to machete through the new terrain. Chin up. Hang in there. And remember, you’re doing a great job.