Preparation 4 Eternity

P4E.232 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 9

2012-01-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

I am the last person who should be writing about self sacrificial love, because I have so little experience. What will follow, then, are humble suggestions; a few from my poor experience and some from my imagination.

My next suggestion for self sacrifice might seem a little obvious, but sometimes you have to state the obvious:

Let others go in front of you. Especially your wife.

The recent tragedy of the sinking of the Costa Concordia cruise ship off the coast of Italy provided a glimpse of the current Zeitgeist. It is said that the men on-board ship were refusing to allow the women and children to board the lifeboats first and that the captain himself abandoned ship before all others were safely off. This simply would not have happened in a previous time. It speaks volumes about everything from the decline in the expectations of character qualities like honor and decency to the devaluing of women and children. Chivalry does indeed appear to be dead.

It's easy to describe what "letting others go in front of you" looks like on a daily basis, yet most difficult to execute. Let me paint a scenario. You are driving in the middle lane of traffic. You are only a few car lengths behind the car in front of you and there is a car ahead of you on the right. A car moves past you on the right and you see that, at its speed, there is only one place for the car to go and that's the spare space between you and the car in front of you. What do you do? Sometimes, I confess, I speed up, closing the already small gap between me and the car in front of me, driving dangerously close just to stop the car from getting in front of me. Let me suggest that there is another option. That is, to slow down and let the car safely in front of you. In my better moments, I take the second option.

A more obscure example might be I want to go to a restaurant, but my wife wants me to get take-out and bring it back home. I let her desire go in front of mine.

There are some fairy tales that tickle the imagination having to do with Royalty that sneaks out of the castle to mingle with the peasantry. The fun happens when the peasants treat the Prince like another peasant. It's touching when he, given his real position, serves the other peasants. This is the definition of humility and meekness. When the reality is that one has power, but stays that power, controls it, so that instead of being brute, one is gentle and retiring. Ken Nair uses the analogy of using a car crushing crane to pick up a crystal wine goblet. Jesus' incarnation is the epitome of this ideal.

I say "especially your wife," because we know that familiarity breeds contempt. Husbands wield power in their relationship with their wives that they don't even comprehend. We need to be like the car crushing crane picking up the goblet when it comes to how we spiritually engage with our wives.

We forget that deference is what Christ requires of us. Letting others, especially your wife, go first is an important sign of self-sacrificial love. That is one of the reasons why, to this day, I still open the door for Gwen to get into the car first. Even if we're just going to, or leaving, the grocery store.

More to follow...

P4E.231 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 8

2012-01-21T19:06:00.000-08:00

I am the last person who should be writing about self sacrificial love, because I have so little experience. What will follow, then, are humble suggestions; a few from my poor experience and some from my imagination.
My third suggestion for loving self sacrificially is this:

Do Work. Put Yourself Out. Make It Hurt.

There is precedence for this suggestion. Jesus said, "My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working." He also said "We must work the works of Him who sent Me, as long as it is day; night is coming when no man can work." If you're like me you may be wondering, just how do I do that?

When asked "What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?" Jesus' answer was, "This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent." Again, I want to know, on a day to day basis, what would that look like?

If I can use a physical example to explain a spiritual concept, I liken it to a weight lifting regimen where whatever work I put in benefits not only my own body, but also the body of the one I love. So, every time I do a spiritual bench press, not only does my spirit benefit, but so does the one I love.

To be more plain, let's say that my wife accidentally breaks a prize possession of mine. The work before me is to show my belief in Christ by expressing my love for my wife by sacrificing my rights and natural inclination to get upset over the loss of the thing. Give up the impulse to criticize and judge her care in handling the thing. Not berate her and make her feel worse for the loss. The work is to show self-sacrificial love.

My natural inclination is to come home from a hard days' work and expect to physically, emotionally and spiritually let down. To take some time for myself. Watch a ballgame on TV. To rest and relax. To be served dinner. This is the point at which I say, "Put Yourself Out. Make it Hurt." Because, when I get home, I find that there are loved ones there who have physical, emotional and, above all, spiritual needs to be met. So, instead of letting down, it's time to step up, be a man, shoulder the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the ones I love. Yes, I put my own need for rest and recreation on the back burner in favor of helping clean the house, coaching through homework, providing support by listening to the details of an emotional burden.

It is simply impossible to express true love without some inconvenience, some pain, some testing, some sacrifice. When we cherish someone with deep affection, we use the adjective, "Dear." The adverb of the same word means "to come at a high cost," as in "they buy land cheaply and sell dear." So, the expression of love comes at a high price. This is why Paul said to the Galatians, "Consider it all joy...when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance..." Because, not only do those whom I love benefit by my physical, emotional, and spiritual exertion, I do too!

More to follow...

P4E.230 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 7

2012-01-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

Image by Scott Garner at BEST OF

As I said earlier, I am the last person who should be writing about self sacrificial love, because I have so little experience. What will follow, then, are humble suggestions; a few from my poor experience and some from my imagination.

My second suggestion for practicing self sacrificial love will also probably catch you off guard:

Let the one you love in on what you are doing.

This is about sacrificing what you might consider your "right to privacy." Your life, public and private, should be an open book to the one you love. If, as Scripture puts it, you become "one" with your wife, she should know what you know. Where are you? What are you doing? How much will it cost? Who are you with? What are you looking at? What are you thinking? What are you eating? When will you be home? How are you feeling? Why (insert whatever circumstance here)? What are the usernames and passwords? It comes down to simple, open, honest communication.

Now, if you're like me, this just isn't as easy as it sounds. My hackles kind of go up even as I write the questions. Why does she need to know all that stuff? What if I just don't want her to know? So what? I don't expect to know everything that's going on with her, why should I have to let her in on everything going on with me? That's my life. That's me. I don't have to tell her everything... OK, guys, but may I just point out that those questions are NOT Christlike. And here's my proof:

Christ said to those He loved,

"...I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you."

"I have told you before it comes to pass, that when it comes to pass, you may believe."

"I have spoken openly to the world, I always taught in the synagogues, and in the temple, where all the Jews come together; and I spoke nothing in secret."

"To you has been given the mystery of the kingdom of God..."

When two disciples wondered where Christ was staying, He answered, "Come, and you will see."

"For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it should come to light."

Finally, Christ warns us about our penchant for dark secrets, "And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed."

So, now I even let Gwen know when I am going upstairs to get some socks. Does that seem over the top to you? I just know that Gwen appreciates being clued in to where I'm at. And if I'm giving her too much information, then she can let me know.

More to follow...

P4E.229 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 6

2012-01-15T06:54:00.000-08:00

As I said earlier, I am the last person who should be writing about self sacrificial love, because I have so little experience. What will follow, then, are humble suggestions; a few from my poor experience and some from my imagination.

Let's start our journey towards self-sacrificial love with what you may think is an unusual suggestion: Don't reject help. Graciously accept help from those you love.

You might be thinking, wait, how is it self sacrifice when I do something that benefits me, like accept help? I used to be confused, too. The fact that God knows and values each of us, individually, is not cause to strive for self-sufficiency. If Love = Self Sacrifice, then everything I can do to sacrifice my ego, my individuality, my self sufficiency is practicing love. This suggestion is about coming to the realization that "no man is an island."

I used to be really confused about my Christian vs. my American values. Last night I heard a talk show host say that "individual sovereignty" is the thing that made America great. Individual sovereignty might have made America what it is today, but it's at odds with our ability to express love.Our American culture tells us to strive for individuality, independence and self sufficiency. Our human nature pushes us towards self preservation. So, if we want to learn how to love, we need to do things that will counter those forces. Accepting help from those we profess to love does just that.

Consciously or unconsciously, when I reject help, I'm rejecting the person who is offering it. When I accept help, I'm acknowledging that I need the person who's offering it. I'm allowing that person into my world and my endeavor. We become one in the process of achieving the thing that I'm trying to accomplish. When we are successful, we are able to jointly celebrate. I'm able to acknowledge that the success wouldn't have come without the help.

Not to state the obvious, but God is very wise. He knew we would need help to learn self-sacrificial love. To those of us who are married, God gave us husbands the perfect partner on which to practice. If we can't do this with the person we profess to love more than any other in the world, how can we let others know that we are followers of Christ?

I'll tell you why I used the phrase, "Graciously accept help from those you love." Gwen used to offer me help all the time, which I would routinely reject. What do you think I am? Helpless? Do you think that I can't do this without you? What help do you think you can give me that will benefit this endeavor? Your "help" will actually hinder my accomplishing what I'm trying to do! Then, I would judge the help that Gwen would offer me. I wouldn't even have to say anything. The look on my face, an exasperated sigh, my body language would let her know that her help was not "helpful." It was my perfectionism and critical nature that would push me towards this. Need I tell you that Gwen does NOT feel loved when I act this way? I confess that I still struggle with the concept of graciously accepting help.

And that's the thing I want to re-emphasize! We will not change overnight! It's not about being perfect. It's about striving towards an ideal. It's about having the prize in our sights and making a real, sincere effort to obtain it. Failure is just as instructive, is more instructive than success, if we are willing to learn from our failures. This is where we can accept the help that God has for us. His Spirit is help. Your wife is help. Don't reject them. Let them in. Be one with them. No man is an island.

More to follow...

P4E.228 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 5

2012-01-12T21:37:00.000-08:00

Let's acknowledge that greater minds than yours and mine have debated the virtues and drawbacks of Calvinism and Wesleyanism. But, I'll write about it anyway. As you will see, I tend towards Wesleyanism. Calvinism is a little (lot) too fatalistic for me. It leaves too much wiggle room for lazy Christians if you ask me. Calvinism doesn't seem to account for the conditions and verbs in The Book of John. Such as, "if you abide in My word..." "unless you believe that I am He, you shall die in your sins." "he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life..." "He who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son shall not see life..." "men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil."

The other aspect of Calvinism that I find difficult is the idea that one is "saved" once, instantly and forever. That the simple profession of faith, one time, verbalized and so often in the heat of passion, is the ticket to everlasting salvation. No deeds, actions, permanent change of heart required (because no works that one does has any effect on one's salvation status). You're either in or out. Once in, always in. But, I'm not an adamant Wesleyan, nor am I ardently opposed to Calvinism. That's the whole point of this series. The tenets of these religious theologies are a diversion from The Message of Love = Self Sacrifice. But, one final point about Calvinism is the idea that a person is sort of instantly changed when he "accepts Christ" into his heart.

The idea that you are changed in the blink of an eye is absurd for the majority of people. Sure, there are a few people who get off drugs cold turkey or are able to make a quick major change in their life. But, for most of us "accepting Christ" is the first step in a life-long journey. Our growth, the production of Spiritual fruit, depends on how diligently we pursue Christlikeness.

Now that we have that out of the way, let's start with the premise that it's taken you a heck of a long time to get to the place where you are now. You've been a selfish bastard your whole life. What makes you think you're gonna change overnight because you became "born again?" You're not! We know that it is NOT going to be easy to effect a change because your self-preservation instincts will kick in. Our natural human instinct is to move away from God, towards darkness. Since God is love, this means that we naturally move away from love and towards selfishness. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be WORK.

Have I sold you on this plan? Are you ready?

P4E.227 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 4

2012-01-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

"Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."

Albus Dumbledore

Before we move on, let me just say one more thing about how I think the Church may be leading us astray and then I'll try to stop church bashing.

This is going to be a hard thing to say without sounding heretical to some, but here goes. It seems to me that the Church has overemphasized The Messenger and under-emphasized The Message. Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean to minimize Christ or His redemptive work on the cross. It's just that His very presence here on Earth embodied a Message. How He lived and what He said and how He died all embody a Message that I believe has been minimized in favor of focusing on The Messenger. The Church is so engrossed in getting people to "accept Christ into their hearts" so that they can be "saved," that it can't see the forest through the trees. The Church is so busy trying to insist upon the inerrancy of Scripture, the virgin birth and the Deity of Christ, that The Message of God and Scripture to us has been lost!

You may ask, what Message are you talking about?

The Message I'm talking about is Love = Self Sacrifice.

I won't quote Scripture at you, but here are a few examples of The Message:

- Jesus' incarnation. He sacrificed His spiritual Deity to become a man.
- Jesus tells us that the first shall be last and the last shall be first.
- Jesus tells us that if someone robs us of our shirt we should give him our coat as well.
- Jesus tells the rich young ruler to give all he has to the poor and follow Him.
- Jesus tells us that we must become like children (without rights or status) to receive the kingdom of God.
- Jesus tells us that we must be "born again" (without rights or status) to see the kingdom of God.
- Paul tells us that he was crucified with Christ (sacrificing his own life in the process).
- Jesus says if someone slaps you on the cheek, give him the other as well.
- Paul says that when he is weak, then he is strong.
- John the Baptist says of Christ, "He must increase, but I must decrease."
- Jesus taught that he who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal.
- Paul discourages lawsuits saying "why not rather be wronged?"
- Jesus taught that there is no greater love than that one lay down his life for his friends. And then He did it.

I could go on for a very long time. These may be trite examples to you. But, taken together they form an incredible Message that leads you back again and again to the idea that

Love = Self Sacrifice

Jesus inextricably equated belief with obedience and change. So, if we don't practice The Messenger's Message, where does that leave us? And, that question brings us to "how?"

More to follow...

P4E.226 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 3

2012-01-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

I ended the last post with: "This is where the Christian church is missing the boat and the point. There is simply no teaching on how to practice self-sacrificial, Christlike, love on a day-by-day basis. What would that look like? How would I act if I were to be self-less in my attitude? How could I correct my spirit so that I had others' interest at heart ahead of my own? What words would begin to come out of my mouth as a result? Do I even want to know?"

My friend, David Taylor, added a couple more questions:

"Am I aware of how that is going to feel when I am sacrificial?" and
"Do I know what resistance to sacrifice will hit me, what rationalizations and justifications will thwart the voice of love?"

That last question of Dave's really strikes at the heart of the problem. Our sense of self-preservation is a strong force. We don't want to talk or hear about selflessness. We don't want to die! What would be the point in that? What would be the point of dying to myself? Isn't it true that nice guys finish last? How would it help my wife or my children if I let others run over me? Won't I just be seen as a wimp? A loser? Sometimes we forget that we have a true Enemy. Yes, you know the One I'm talking about. His name starts with "S." That's right. It's Self.

Not only is our our own sense of self-preservation strong, the Christian Church wittingly or unwittingly also rises to our defense! The Church has misguidedly fused the American ideal of rugged independence and Charlie Sheen's "winning" attitude creating a new brand of self-promoting Christianity to disastrous effect.

If you listen to mainstream Christian pundits, you'll hear that as Christian men, we're to be "purpose driven" and "wild at heart." If you listen to some pastors, we need to be "manly Christian men"; macho, self-reliant, self-confident, independent, and driven. Consciously, or unconsciously, men are encouraged from the pulpit to combine these character qualities with being a "Christian." It's madness and has resulted in sexism, hubris, misogyny, aimlessness and confusion in "Christian" men. Worse yet, it leaves the men of the Christian Church without a clue as to the very thing that Jesus said would distinguish them from the world.

More to follow...

P4E.225 Love = Self Sacrifice Part 2

2012-01-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

Photo by mmira on flickr

As a reminder, this blog is directed towards husbands who are Believers and earnestly pursuing Christlikeness. So, this topic of Love = Self-Sacrifice is directed towards them.

The topic of love is ancient and universal. So much of what we deep down believe is important has to do with love. Stories and novels and art and poetry and music and even some wars revolve around love. And yet, we men are so inept with "love," what it means to "fall in love," to "be in love," to "express love," to "love our wives as Christ loves the Church." I guess we know how to "make love," but, even then, we probably confuse "making love" with "having sex."

Love = Self Sacrifice is definitely upper level math that most of us can't fathom.

Sometimes it's frustrating to listen to pastors sermonize about love. Mainstream Christians have been told not to pay attention to their feelings. So, Heaven forbid that we approach love as a feeling! But, in this case, I do agree that love has to be defined as more than a feeling. Many times pastors will speak about love from the pulpit assuming that the people in the congregation are all on the same page when he uses the word "love."

It used to be that when I would hear about "self-sacrificial love" I would think in terms of throwing myself on a live grenade to save my wife. Of course I would do that. If push came to shove, if it were her or me, I would bite the bullet. So, if I tucked that idea, that I would take a bullet for my wife, away in the recesses of my mind, I could console myself that I did indeed have self-sacrificial love towards my wife. See how that works? The problem is that such extreme circumstances are very rare. What about the mundane, every-day expression of self-sacrificial love?

This is where the Christian church is missing the boat and the point. There is simply no teaching on how to practice self-sacrificial, Christlike, love on a day-by-day basis. What would that look like? How would I act if I were to be self-less in my attitude? How could I correct my spirit so that I had others' interest at heart ahead of my own? What words would begin to come out of my mouth as a result? Do I even want to know?

More to follow...

P4E.224 Love = Self Sacrifice, Part 1

2012-01-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going to presume to write about love as self-sacrifice. This is not a very popular subject. Not an easy sell. Right off the bat, if we approach this subject acknowledging that there is no perfect example of self-sacrificial love (except the obvious), that it is an ideal, a goal to shoot for, and that we will all fall short of the goal, then maybe we can talk about it. I am the least worthy to converse about self-sacrifice, because I have so little experience, but I feel compelled to write.

It seems ironic that I've always been a fan of Ayn Rand's books, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. She, who vaunted selfishness and atheism. Somehow, I was able to compartmentalize the rugged individualism that seemed to capture the American ideal away from the rest. But, one thing always stood out to me as unreal in Ayn Rand's books: her love interests. The story lines having to do with the amours of her leading characters always rang hollow. They rang hollow because she could never allow her characters to exhibit self-sacrificial love. It would contradict her ideal of selfishness. Rand had to go through such contortions to somehow portray her character's interest in each other without letting them sacrifice anything at all in each other's interest. I suppose in the end Rand had to allow her characters be satisfied with the sex.

Here's my premise: We often learn valuable lessons about a thing by understanding its opposite. Many people, when asked 'What is the opposite of love?' will respond, 'The opposite of love is hate.' I offer an alternate answer that the opposite of love is selfishness. One might also argue that the opposite of love is fear. But I believe, where love is concerned, that fear in one person is precipitated by selfishness in the other person. So, in the end I maintain my premise, that the opposite of love is selfishness. If the premise is true, then the equation Love = Self Sacrifice can define the first of the Galatians 5 fruit of the Spirit.

More to follow...

P4E.223 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 7

2011-12-07T18:06:00.000-08:00

I was saved. I am being saved. I will be saved.

Contrary to what many of you believe, we can disagree about this and still be brothers and sisters. It is said that John Newton, the man who wrote "Amazing Grace" and an ardent Calvinist, was cordial, friendly and respectful towards his many Wesleyan brothers. Actually, I agree with Rob Bell's postion that we are overly concerned with a "salvation" to a future heaven. You need to focus more on "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

I get what you're trying to say, but you've overdone it so that Joe Blow Christian feels he doesn't have to change anything about his life once he's been "saved," and is "born again." I'm not advocating asceticism or anything, but we are supposed to be "little Christs" aren't we? Doesn't that mean that we should be in pursuit of being like Him? You've completely given up on insisting on a change in character (for the better) that should accompany the "born again" experience.

This is, in fact, what you should be focusing on with your people: character development. The Boy Scouts have this all over you. Every one of them can recite the Boy Scout Law, "A Scout is: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent." Just think if every Church advocated and taught its men HOW to exhibit these character qualities. Forget that "you'll never be perfect, so don't even think about it" crap. As the saying goes "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time."

If you, Church, did focus on character development you would have an incredible impact on marriages between people who profess themselves to be "Christians." You would have an impact on the relationships between parents and children. You would be working at your people from the inside out and changing them from within. Then you might change the world's perception of Christians as hypocrites.

As Believers, we have our own little spiritual law to live up to. It's Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things there is no law." If you all could just concentrate on instilling these character qualities into your men, they might give up the pornography just long enough to pay attention to their wives and families. And I'm not joking here. You are ignoring probably the biggest problem facing your church-going men. Yeah, Internet pornography is taking down many of your men. And you aren't discussing or dealing with it! You are leaving us open to the criticism of hypocrisy and worse, the loss of many otherwise good men. You are not giving them any tools or motivation or incentive to leave the pornography alone. No, you want to talk about end-times theology instead.

So, come on Church. Abandon that which is not yours and reclaim that which is rightfully yours. Take back the moral high-ground by endeavoring to deserve it. Call your men to Christlikeness. Encourage them to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, to develop their character qualities, to get into the pursuit. Give your men some real tools that will help them in these pursuits. It's NOT about being perfect. It's about how we handle when we're not. It's about the pursuit of Christlikeness.

Finally, I agree with Neale Donald Walsch, author of "Conversations with God." When asked if God had only one message, his most important message to all of us, and you could put it into one paragraph, what would that be? He paused and said

"I can fit it all into five words. You've got me all wrong."

I bid you fare well. Go with God. But, GET THERE!

P4E.222 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 6

2011-12-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

From previous parts:"First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. Church, I know that I am you and you are me. Any accusations I have against you, are against me as well. I don't separate myself from you. Your faults are my faults. The criticisms I am making of you are meant to be an encouragement to be better, and in that sense constructive. Don't get all offended."

Dear Church,

Your trend towards materialism and away from your rightful spiritual place is evident in so many ways. Come away from there!

Don't you get it? You ARE the rich, young, ruler! Divest yourself of your material possessions, give to the poor and follow the One who had no place to lay His head. The One who was born in a manger with nothing and died on a cross with less than nothing.

De-organize yourself and get back to your roots. Jesus didn't set up hierarchical institutions that perpetuated themselves as money-making machines and neither should you.

Quit judging and defending yourself (and God and His Word) against the World. Trust that He who created all has the whole World in His hands. There's this thing called "FAITH," you know?

Leave sex and politics alone. Any fundamental change in our culture will have to begin from the inside out anyway, so why don't you stick to what you should know best; spiritual matters.

Re-combine yourself. You're dividing yourself into too many little niches. You're being arrogant and pig-headed-stubborn about your little distinctions from the rest of The Body. Band together. Agree on the important (spiritual) stuff and let the rest go. For Christ's sake!

Get rid of your darn "worship team." Your worship teams have turned your "worship" into a passive, spectator friendly, participation optional, entertaining event. You DON'T need a "worship team" to worship. There was a certain charm and genuineness when you had a couple of guys up front strumming on acoustic guitars, but you have long ago gone completely crazy with your emphasis on MUSIC!

Get back to what you should know best: Spirituality. This means relationships. Focus on our relationships with our family members, especially marriage. Focus on our relationships with other Believers. Focus on our relationships with people who are not Believers. This means focusing on FEELINGS. How do we make other people FEEL? What do we do with the FEELINGS that come over us under different circumstances and through the actions of others? The FEELINGS are an indication of the condition of our spirit at any given moment. Quit ignoring the most obvious indicator of the condition of our spirit! This is MUCH more important than proving that God exists, defending the accuracy of the Bible, end times theology, creationism vs. evolution, abortion, homosexuality, post, pre or mid-tribulation rapture, sprinkling or dunking, Virgin Mary worship, once saved always saved, posting the Ten Commandments, or ANY other issue you are stupidly wasting your time on.

Sorry to be so harsh, but there it is.

P4E.221 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 5

2011-11-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

From previous parts:
"First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. Church, I know that I am you and you are me. Any accusations I have against you, are against me as well. I don't separate myself from you. Your faults are my faults. The criticisms I am making of you are meant to be an encouragement to be better, and in that sense constructive. Don't get all offended."

Dear Church,

You have railed against the idea that there is a separation of church and state in America. But, seen in a certain light, you should be thanking God and taking advantage of the possibilities. You cry foul and bitch and moan but, in fact you have allowed the government to take some of your responsibilities onto itself with disastrous effect. In fact, church and state are not separated enough! The government is doing the work of the church.

Let's do as they say and follow the money. I'm not claiming to have done any massive research, but I can't be too far off and just want to make a point. A New York Times Article states that in 2009, half of the $229 billion that Americans donated went to religious institutions. That's roughly $115 billion. Another website, called ourdime.us states that U.S. federal welfare spending for the poor in 2009 amounted to $191 billion.

What if...What if you, the Church, took back your rightful responsibilities of tending to the poor from the federal government? You could, because of your spread-out grass roots nature, probably do a more efficient, effective, better job of handling the money than the federal government does. You could relieve the government of the burden that is rightfully yours and put a dent in the national debt.

Well, it's just a thought and I know it would be like turning the Titanic around. You're kind of lazy and distracted and unmotivated and unorganized, so I have little hope that something like that would happen, but it does make your imagination tingle, doesn't it?

Anyway, failing that, let's continue to follow the money. Church, if you were to open your financial books what would be the budgets listed in the line items:
Helping the poor
Feeding the hungry
Clothing the naked
Caring for widows and orphans
Visiting prisoners
And how would those budgets compare to the line items:
Church staff payroll
Mortgage (or lease or rent) on church facilities
Remodeling of church facilities
Stage lighting
Sound system
Flat screen tvs
Radio and tv time
Printing
Advertising
Utilities
If it looks like what I think it looks like, what does that say about your priorities and motivations?

I'm just saying....

P4E.220 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 4

2011-11-19T05:11:00.001-08:00

From previous parts:
"First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. Church, I know that I am you and you are me. Any accusations I have against you, are against me as well. I don't separate myself from you. Your faults are my faults."

Dear Church,

The criticisms I am making of you are meant to be an encouragement to be better, and in that sense constructive. Don't get all offended.

Let's return to the Occupy Movement for a moment. You need to get out of the material mindset and into a spiritual one. Sure, seen in one light, the Occupiers have their faults. But, there is a reason why their protest resonates with so many people. There's a spiritual connection that many have with them. There's feelings that they represent that you and I should be sensitive to and responsive to. Feelings like frustration, abandonment, exclusion, powerlessness, of being treated unfairly. Feelings of being overlooked, of aloneness, of fed-upness, of anger and resentment and envy. I think people who are experiencing these feelings could rightly be described as "poor in spirit," and you know what Jesus said about them...

Let's paint a scenario together. What if...What if Bill Gates was your good and true friend? What if one of the wealthiest (and therefore most powerful) men in the world had your back? What if he daily communicated with you and lifted your spirits by telling you how important you are to him and that he would take care of you no matter what? What if he backed up that promise on a regular basis? Yes, I mean with money, but also with encouragement and communication and support. What if Bill Gates had people who defended you against wrong and lifted your spirits and asked about your needs and took care of them? Now, let me pose a question. Would you care if others were prospering? Would you care how other, lesser people, corporations, governments treated you? I dare say you would not. I believe that having the wealthiest and most powerful of men on your side would make you feel confident, cared for, included, grateful for what you have. You might feel empowered and you might feel like sharing your good fortune, because any friend of yours would be a friend of Bill's.

So, let's make the leap, Church. If, in our little scenario, you played the part of Jesus' people and the Occupiers were the rest of the world? Do you think that if you represented Christ well by caring heartily for those who feel disenfranchised and un-loved that the world would care how they were treated by others? If you had their back, if you had them covered, if you cared for them in their time of need, would they be likely to feel un-cared for and resentful? And even if they did, would it be a reason to stop?

See Part 5 for a BIG idea...

P4E.219 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 3

2011-11-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

From Part 1:
"First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

Church, I know that I am you and you are me. Any accusations I have against you, are against me as well. I don't separate myself from you. Your faults are my faults.

I used a word in Part 2: "clique." You, Church, have fractured yourself into a clique away from the world and into cliques within yourself. The clique you have made against the world is like a club. You are in, and the rest of the world is out. You have turned inward and insulated yourself away from it. You are no good to it. You are deluded into thinking that you are doing some good by ministering inwardly to yourself, when it is the outside world that really needs you.

You have fractured yourself into so many denominations and splinter groups that you are no longer recognizable as a unified whole. Why should you not be combining congregations instead of dividing into new ones? Your pastors must have huge egos to believe that they have something so new to bring to the people that they must start a new church. Every time a new church opens its doors, you divide yourself further and the Enemy rejoices. Are there really that many facets to our Belief that we need to continuously divide and separate ourselves away from each other?

You go over and over the same theological ground. To what purpose? I actually heard a well known pastor in his sermon giving a litany of different approaches to proving that there is a God! We cannot have it both ways, Church! Either we have faith, which is a belief in things that cannot be proved, or we can engage in trying to prove that there is a God. I choose faith. So within our own insulated group, we console ourselves with "proofs" that there is a God, that creationism is right and evolution is wrong, that abortion is murder, that the ten commandments and the cross should be in public places, that homosexuality is the bane of our culture, that marriage is between one man and one woman, and that the country is going to hell in a handbasket. You may even acknowledge to yourself that the world needs God, but you make no real effort to represent Him well to the world.

In an ironic twist, you are of the world, but not in it. You have adopted the materialism of the world, but have had little to no spiritual effect upon it. Your worship services aspire to be like the introductions at an NBA game. Your ad campaigns rival anything on Wall Street. You've taken advantage of the media of the world, but have no substantive message for it. You are worldly in your insatiable need for money, instead of giving it away. You are worldly in your focus on self-improvement, instead of self-sacrifice. You are worldly in your desire to be entertained, instead of putting your hand to the plow and getting work done. You have exerted a patriotism and adopted a conservative politics instead of championing the Spirit of Christ to a needy world. Where is your Jesus?

There will be more...

P4E.218 An Open Letter to the Church at Large - Part 2

2011-11-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

From Part 1:
"First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good-natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore."

You, the Church, have been sidetracked. Let me give you an example. I heard a well known pastor of a church on the radio today. He was talking about children. How Jesus told his disciples that they should let the children come to him and not keep them from Him. How, in those times, children were considered insignificant, but that Jesus said that we must become like children to enter the kingdom of God. So far, so good. Then, the sermon took a 90 degree turn and became sidetracked. The pastor turned it into a rant about abortion.

Now, I am not making a case to justify abortion. I have been an admirer of, and even personally met, Francis Schaeffer before he passed. I understand and can even agree with points of the stand he took against abortion in his book "How Shall We Then Live?" What I am saying is that the abortion issue is sidetracking the Church. More accurately, the Church is skewed in its response to the abortion issue. What right or reason does the Church have to judge the world? Even Christ Himself said that He did not come to judge the world, but to save it. Christ had every right and opportunity to judge the Samaritan woman at the well a liar, the woman dragged before Him by the Pharisees an adulteress, Matthew a turn-coat tax-gatherer, and the men who hung next to Him on the cross thieves and murderers. But, He didn't. He didn't minimize their sins, but He didn't berate them or accuse them or condemn them. Instead, He showed them sympathy, compassion and forgiveness. He took them in and made them His own.

Why is the Church not following Christ's lead? Every reasonable reading of the Scriptures would tell us that we should not judge. That we should show compassion to those in need. That we should feel sympathy and empathy for those who find themselves in difficult circumstances. That we should forgive. Instead, the Church cries, "Murder!" and hurls insults and accusations and judges the world.

The Church is sideways to the very world that it should be intent on saving. It has lost its way. Only in this way could a pastor take a lesson that could and should be about becoming innocent, vulnerable, harmless, naive, small and insignificant and turn it into an angry, hostile, confrontational, belligerent rant about how bad the world is. Wake up, Church, before it's too late! Because you must remember, Christ reserved His ire for those who claimed to represent God, but did so poorly. To those who made rules and purposefully misrepresented Him; To those who used God's Word to bludgeon each other and the world; To those who sought to create a clique to separate and lord themselves over the rest; It is they that Christ condemned most harshly. So, wake up do not repeat the past!

More to follow...

P4E.217 An Open Letter to The Church at Large - Part 1

2011-11-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

Image via NPR.org - "Occupy Wall Street Timeline: From Blog Post to a Movement"

First of all, I am nobody. I have no credentials. I have no theology degree. I don't claim to be a prophet of God. I do not claim this to be a "prophetic utterance." I don't claim that God "told me" to say these things. I'm just a guy who is (hopefully humbly) pursuing Christ in his own way. I do recognize that people distinguish between the "church" and the "Church," but for my purposes, they are one and the same and what I have to say goes for both. This is certainly meant to be more than a friendly nudge, more than a good natured poke. It's meant to be a hard jab in the ribs or a kick in head of the Church. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.

My heart has been aching as I see the Church floundering along. I see a Church misled and misguided. I see a Church missing opportunities left and right. I see a Church that has lost its focus and has no idea which way to turn. So, the Church is collectively running down a rabbit hole, on a wild goose chase, head in the sand, thrown to the wind, chasing its tail, running in circles and spunout.

The thing that's got me going is the Occupy Movement (OM). The OM has struck a chord with many and been the object of scorn for others. They have no one champion nor do they have any particular goals. But, they are tapping into a growing sense of unease in the country and the world. No one can quite put their finger on what it is. These people have identified that they feel cheated, misused, bullied, forgotten, abandoned, maltreated, trodden upon, and beat down. They want justice. They want peace. They have identified Big Corporations as an enemy, but they might just as well have picked Big Government or Big Media or Big Entertainment or Big Religion or anyone else that force feeds them ideas, unduly influences their lives and takes money out of their pockets. Many of the OM's Big Enemies have seized the opportunity to identify themselves with some salient aspect of the OM. The people of the OM have unwittingly made the case that they want and need to be saved. But, where is the Church? Nowhere to be seen. Nothing. Nothing at all.

The very entity that has the answers to the yearning, craving, crying need of the OM is standing on the sidelines. Worse yet, many in the Church are critical, judgmental and cynical, saying "What these people need to do is clean up, quit whining and complaining and go get a job."

Church, where is your COMPASSION? Where is your EMPATHY? Where is your FORGIVENESS? Where is your LOVE? Where is your CHRISTLIKENESS?

There will be more...

P4E.216 Hoarders Revisited

2011-10-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

If it didn't come across clearly in my last post, I can and DO identify with some of the mental disorder that the people featured on the TV show Hoarders exhibit. This was brought home to me just a few weekends ago. My wife Gwen asked me to tackle the shelves of paper and records that are sitting in the middle of the garage, where a car might easily be parked. In fact, she did not ask me to clear the whole thing out, just to work on it. One box. One hour.

I did not handle the situation very well and I talked it over with Gwen the next day. She is very patient with me, but clearly does NOT identify with the struggles I have. That is not meant to disparage her. The reason she doesn't identify will become clear.

It's hard to describe the wave of anxiety that I felt when Gwen suggested that I tackle the paperwork in the garage. Because I am so intimidated by this kind of task, my first response was to become morose about the fact that Gwen had "sprung" this honey-do task on me on an otherwise idyllic Saturday morning. I did not believe that Gwen would be satisfied with one hour or one box-worth of work in there. My mistake. The number of decisions to be made as I rummaged through the paper records was incredibly daunting to me. What to save? What to keep? The inevitable anxiety that as soon as I throw something away, I will need it (Even though it might already be ten years or more since it was last touched). How can one be sentimentally attached to an SDG&E bill from 1984? Why would that be hard to part with? These questions nagged at me even as I was tossing paper into the recycle bin. I became even gloomier, withdrawn and quiet.

I couldn't care less about college football, but the thought actually crossed my mind, "You know some guys are laying on their couch all day with chips and a Coke watching football games." Instead, I was in the hot, dusty garage reminiscing and agonizing over Tidy Didy diaper bills from when my 18 year old son was an infant.

Then, there's the identity theft issue. I've saved a lot of records that have our social security numbers on them. It's amazing how free banks and other institutions used to be in printing important personal data on statements. Now, I feel compelled to shred most everything, which is really time consuming and annoying. Part of me wonders if this is simply paranoia on my part. I mean, what are the chances of these documents getting intercepted by an identity thief in going from my trashcan to the landfill and being buried by huge tractors? It's gotta be small odds.

Much of the paper in the garage is related to my architectural practice that I closed a few years ago. My understanding is that I need to keep those records for 10 years. So, I'm slowly but surely throwing records away that are over 10 years old. I'm definitely conflicted about this. I think I'm like a lot of guys in that I have a tendency to attach my self-worth to my work. So, there's part of me that feels like I'm throwing myself away when I throw that paper-work away. It's as though that work which was so important at the time is now worthless. That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

I was self-employed for about 18 years. Wading through the records of my architectural practice is a particularly painful exercise. Although it was successful and profitable in some ways, it was NOT in other very important ways. In those years I was consumed by work. The work ATE my time, my energy, my good nature, my relationships with my wife and my sons. Although Gwen was very supportive of my being self-employed, there were many times when she encouraged me to leave private practice and "just get a job." The pain comes now in realizing how many years I ignored my "helpmate" and put my head down and the blinders on and got eaten by my work. It hurt everything in so many ways. And going through the paper brings it all to the surface.

And there was Gwen, pleased as punch to see some un-cluttering activity happening in the garage. Didn't she see the agony I was in? Well, yes she did because I was being so overt in my displeasure.

In retrospect, I'm able to see that my weaknesses were exposed by that paper pile in the garage. It seems silly to say, but I know I need to muster the "courage" to face that fire trap. The courage to push through the discomfort to get a much-needed task accomplished. A big part of what I've described above is simply laziness. An inability and un-willingness to face some hard work. A bad attitude made it even harder to be around me than usual.

This is the reason why Gwen can't relate to my struggles. She is not lazy. She is strong, courageous, undaunted by hard work and even tempered. Gwen has helped me to recognize that the way I handled the situation was anything BUT Christlike. A spiritual leader just simply does not act that way. I'm motivated and inspired by Gwen. I'm praying that God will imbue me with the strength of character to face daunting, painful (and sometimes thankless) tasks without complaint. Like He did and does. That means that I'm sure to be faced with more daunting, painful, thankless opportunities to exhibit strength, courage, hard work, and a good attitude. Bring it!

P4E.215 Observations From Hoarders

2011-09-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Since this blog is about what it means to be a Believer and especially what it means to be a husband who's a Believer, much of what I write here is focused on marriage. I filter a lot of what I experience through the "Christian marriage" filter.

Lately, we've been watching episodes of A&E's Hoarders. At the beginning of every episode they inform you:

"Compulsive hoarding is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire and keep things, even if the items are worthless, hazardous or unsanitary."

I'm sure you may be wondering how Hoarders has anything at all to do with marriage. Let me try to explain. First, if you've never seen the show and are unfamiliar with hoarders, these people literally fill their homes with all sorts of things. Most of the time it's trash, plain and simple. They simply throw nothing away. This attracts insects and rodents. Many times these people also hoard animals. We've seen many cat hoarders, but people hoard everything from chickens to rats. These animals are allowed to run free and use the entire house as a litter box. You can imagine the smell. Many have a penchant for buying new items and bringing them home, never to even open the bag they were purchased in. It gets to the point where stuff is literally piled to the ceiling of the house. Many times the outside of the house gives no clue as to what's going on inside the house. But, what you see inside the house gives a glimpse into what's going on inside the mind and spirit of the hoarder.

And, this is where the analogy to the "Christian marriage" starts to reveal itself. It's what Jesus called a "whitewashed tomb." Many Believer's marriages look good on the outside, but are filled with rotting, insect and rodent infested, trash that reeks to high Heaven on the inside.

After watching several episodes of the show, you start to see patterns in the behavior of people who are hoarders. Many of these patterns reflect what I have done in my own marriage and what Gwen and I have seen in husbands that we've ministered to.

Not all hoarders acknowledge being hoarders. Some are in denial. Despite the filthy evidence all around them, they will deny being hoarders and will apply another term, like "collector" or "messy" to their situation. Faced with the sin of their horrible spiritual leadership, many husbands will deny that there is a problem.

Some hoarders know no other way of living. They are oblivious to their circumstances and are ignorant to the idea that there could be another, better, way of life. The same could be said of many husbands whose marriage is in crisis. I know that if someone would have asked me at certain points in time if my marriage was in crisis I would have said, "of course not!" But, if they had asked my wife at that same time, she would have given a very different answer.

Many hoarders blame others in their lives for their situation. There have been times where I thought my wife was just plain nuts, when it was I who was mixed up. This blame shifting is very common among husbands who are supposed to be exhibiting the kind of leadership that would normally preclude passing the buck.

Many times there are traumatic incidents that push a person who is predisposed to hoarding over the edge. There are so many times that we yell at the TV screen and say, "But, that was years ago! You're living in the middle of a huge pile of trash because of something that happened years ago? You need to grow up and take responsibility for your life!" And so it is with us men and our bad marriages. We know it's not that simplistic, but again, when the "Christian" model of husbands as spiritual leaders is superimposed on marriage, you have to expect that men rise above their circumstances to lead.

A common pattern that we see is that hoarders will initially agree to get help and can even be enthusiastic. As the real work of getting rid of stuff begins, many hoarders get overwhelmed. They can turn dark, become uncooperative and even combative in refusing to get rid of their hoard. They sometimes want to physically touch every item and make individual decisions on each and every item before it gets thrown out. Frequently, a hoarder will dig stuff back out of the trash bin that it has just been thrown into. These patterns are very similar to myself and husbands that we see entering marriage counselling. Some husbands enter marriage counselling with a smile, because they think that their marriage is sound and that they'll have little or no work to do on it. When they get into it and realize that their wife really is troubled, they turn ugly.

Hoarders has helped reinforce my belief that we all, each and every one of us, in some measure, must suffer from some form of mental disorder. Otherwise, we would all be whole, well adjusted, emotionally healthy, rational people, which we are not! I have found myself identifying with some aspect of the reasoning of hoarders. I suppose this is the first step towards emotional health; acknowledging that there is a problem. Ultimately, hoarders have to make the decision to choose people and relationships over things. Because selfishness is at the heart of many hoarders, they can't make the right decision. As husbands, we also must make the decision to let go of our baggage. In the same way that the garbage a hoarder collects engulfs him, so do our values, our opinions, our addictions, our set ways, our sins, engulf us.

An important aspect of the show Hoarders is that professional counsellors, organizers and trash removal experts are called in to help. In our marriages, we have to make the conscious decision to acknowledge that we are troubled. To decide to acknowledge that we are encumbered by mounds of unsafe, worthless, unsanitary values, opinions, addictions, obsessions and sins. To decide to rid ourselves of them and, as is many times necessary, to get professional help to make healthy decisions.

Somtimes it's amazing what you can learn watching TV.

Peace!

P4E.214 Que Viva!

2011-09-07T17:33:00.000-07:00

Jon and Dana (pronounced "Donna") married on an unusually warm and clear Seattle Saturday in July. Jon and Dana are prototypical Seattleites (in the best sense). He is a bicycle messenger, studying to be a physician's assistant. She is a ballerina bio-geneticist working on a cure for hepatitis C. He's got a sleeve tattoo of a Gandalf-like figure warding off wolves. She's got a sleeve tattoo with the Virgin Mary. They're vegetarians bordering on vegans. They highly value the environment, lean left politically and don't lean any way when it comes to religion. They have a husky-mix dog named Remy and a fat cat named Cilantro who share their Capitol Hill apartment.

Dana and Jon didn't have, nor did they need a wedding planner. They took charge of every detail of the wedding and the surrounding events. The wedding motif was a mash-up of Fiesta Fancy and Dia de los Muertos. They oversaw the design of the unique handmade invitation. A cartoonist friend helped with the invitation insert. Jon made what must have been well over a hundred paper flowers that decorated the wedding gazebo and the reception hall. The rehearsal dinner was at an Italian restaurant that imports all of its ingredients from Sicily.

The manager of the wedding reception hall remarked that she had never witnessed an all-male decorating team. When I looked around, I realized that she was right. Not one woman was present. Only about a dozen men hanging strings of the multi-colored paper flowers that Jon had made, blue paper stars, strands of lights, and papel picado. We arranged the tables with colorful runners and candles and sunflowers in milk bottles. We placed jars of Dana and Jon's homemade jalapeno jelly as favors at each place.

The wedding guest list included an amazing array of interesting and creative people. Bicycle messengers, scientists, artists, musicians, X-Box game programmers, tattoo artists and tattoo canvases. Friends old and new.

They were married under a gazebo in a pretty little green park. A friend named Santos, with shoulder length brown hair, became an ordained minister specifically to marry Jon and Dana. The bridesmaids wore colorful fiesta fancy dresses and the groomsmen wore khaki pants, white shirts, skinny turquoise suspenders and bolo ties. Jon choked up while reciting his vows, and so did we all. The ceremony ended with a shout of "Que Viva!"

My wife, Gwen, had offered to bake the wedding cake. She had spent the previous two days baking in the little Mt. Baker apartment that we had rented. Before the wedding we brought the cake to the reception hall and for a few anxious minutes we were locked out in the hot summer afternoon. After the wedding, we went back and made the final cake assembly, sharing precious space in the tiny kitchenette with the catering staff. I felt like we were re-enacting the final scene of a Cake Boss episode when we carried the finished product into the reception hall to cheers and applause.

There were some of the usual wedding reception moments. The tossing of the bride's bouquet, the toasts of the best man and maid of honor, the cutting of the wedding cake, the first dances. There was loud music and dancing. But thankfully, there was no cheesy DJ emceeing the proceedings. There was a booth where you could take a picture and it would be projected on the wall of the reception hall. That was fun. There was, I thought, an unusual number of people who took the microphone after the normal toasts to say a few personal words about the bride and groom. There were embarrassing and touching stories. I resisted the urge, but if I had been brave enough, I would have related one of the stories that I wrote about here: A Young Man's Tale. It seemed as though friends were talking of Jon and Dana in the past tense. And, in a way, they were. The Dana and Jon that had stepped up onto the gazebo in that pretty little green park, came back down those same steps as one. The same, but different. Individuals united by vows of love.

I won't deny there was some melancholy on my part. My oldest son. Married. I replay the song, "Sunrise, Sunset" from the movie Fiddler on the Roof in my mind:

"Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze"

My blessing is upon them. Jon, may you be a better husband and father than I have been and may the generations that follow also be better and better souls. Peace. Peace. Que Viva!

P4E.213 Fourth of July Tradition

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

For at least 25 years my wife, Gwen, has prepared a special breakfast for our family on the Fourth of July. All those years ago, Gwen was trying to think of a creative way to mark the day for our young sons. She found a recipe and modified it to suit our needs for the day. It consists of waffles topped with butter, vanilla ice cream, strawberries, syrup, whipped cream, blueberries and some powdered sugar. It makes a sort of spectacular patriotic fireworks display of cool, tasty fun. Our son, Benjamin lives with us in California and enjoyed the tradition with us.

As parents, we have hoped to pass along our values and traditions to our sons. We hope the things that are important to us become important to them. It's a way we hope to be remembered and honored by them. We hope and pray for the best for them.

Our son, Jon, lives in Seattle and will be married to his fiance, Dana, at the end of the month. This Fourth of July he messaged this picture:

Our son, David, lives in New York with his wife, Donia. This Fourth of July he messaged this picture:

It brought tears to our eyes to think that in at least one small way we have created a tradition that will carry on even after we are gone. I know that our sons have been normally influenced by us in both positive and negative ways. Mostly positive from my wife and, I regret to say, much of what they learned from me early on was negative. I'm on a better path now, bless God. We're proud of our sons, not because they are a product of our upbringing, but for their own sake. We do feel honored not only by their carrying on this little tradition, but by who they are and who they are becoming. They are a blessing to us and, we pray, to God.

Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days...

P4E.212 NOTW? Really?

2011-06-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know about your neck of the woods, but here in Southern California a "Christian" car sticker has been around for a few years now. As you see, above, it simply states "NOTW," an abbreviation for Not of this World. The "O" looks like a halo and the "T" looks like a cross. I don't want to make any assumptions about the motivation of the company that created this logo. What I want to talk about is my perception of those who apply this sticker and concept to their cars and lives and how it might be perceived by others.

I feel qualified to comment , because I have held the NOTW beliefs I'm describing myself. I'm commenting solely for the purpose of discussion. Not to judge. I would really like to hear some discussion about my take on the NOTW phenomenon.

The NOTW sticker implies some sort of exclusive club. The subtext is, "I'm in. You're not." While this might be true for the Believer on some level, is it the message that we want to convey? Or, is it truly only an identifier to others who are NOTW, like the Christian fish? Is the fact that we're NOTW something to be proclaimed, touted, some would say "lorded over," those who ARE of this world? Because, you see, that's what it feels like to me. Is that the "good news?" That we are in and they are out?

When Jesus said that His kingdom was "not of this world," He meant simply that His kingdom was spiritual in nature, not physical. When He spoke of us as being "not of this world," He meant that we are God's and, because God is spirit, that we are most importantly spiritual beings. Our emphasis should not be on the material, but on the spiritual. So, seeing these NOTW stickers on bright, shiny, new, big, expensive, status vehicles is ironic.

What might be construed by others, when we proclaim that we're "not of this world," is that since we are not of this world we don't care much about it. This, ironically, opens the door for others to criticize us for not caring about people or the world itself. There is a conservative element of the church that is so adamant and militant in its criticism of our culture that, by association, we are all perceived as not caring for: the poor, the homeless, the disadvantaged, the minority, the pregnant woman, the homosexual, or the environment. I'm not saying it's true. I'm saying the perception is there and the NOTW sticker perpetuates the perception. And, to many, perception is reality.

So the question is, what is our response when we are confronted with this criticism? Do we adamantly deny it? Do we run from it? Do we ignore it? Do we counter-criticise? Or do we consider the seed of truth that might be there and keep ourselves above reproach?

"Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may on account of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation." I Peter 2:12

P4E:211 More Horse Sense

2011-05-31T12:55:00.000-07:00

I have previously posted about how the natural horsemanship that my wife practices influences our human interactions and in particular how husband/wife and father/child relationships might be positively affected.

Recently, Gwen and I attended the Lighthands Horsemanship Workshop in Santa Ynez, California. We shared the weekend with an intimately small group of people who enjoyed listening to and watching several clinicians who practice natural horsemanship. There were also other very interesting and some famous people (within that community) who shared their experiences.

I'm continually struck by how the spirit necessary to truly practice natural horsemanship is the same spirit that's necessary to be a true Believer and a caring husband. The presenters would say something about their approach or relationship to their horse and I would think, "Wow, if a husband approached his wife or a father approached his child in that way, the world would truly be a better place." Here are a few quotes from the weekend that I found memorable in that way.

"You have your brains...most people don't use 'em enough." Jack Brainard

"If you want to learn something bad enough, sneak around and watch." Ernie Morris

"What's best for the horse? Start riding for what's good for the horse. From the point of view of the horse." Lester Buckley

"Horses never get over being scared or intimidated. Don't be abrupt." Jon Ensign

"Do just what it takes to get the job done. No more and NO LESS. Not enough is just as bad as too much." Jon Ensign

"The horse is experimenting. Don't punish him for that. He's searching." Jon Ensign

"When I want something from my horse, I ask...and wait. I'm not particular about how he responds at first. I reward any movement toward what I want. I pay him for a positive response with an immediate reward. Getting patience in my self and with my horse is valuable. Waiting time is precious time. Build it. Build poise and confidence. Be particular, but not critical. Take the time to slow down and be safe." Lester Buckley

"Think about what the horse thinks about. What does he see? He sees with his ears." Ernie Morris

"After a success, rest. Wait. Savor the moment." Lester Buckley

"It's what happened before what happened happened that got me into trouble." Lester Buckley quoting Ray Hunt

"Because of the sensory perceptors in the human fingertips and the horses mouth, the ultimate communication between a human and a horse happens between the reins in a human's hands and the bit in a horse's mouth." Dr. Robert Miller

"I will never violate the relationship between my hands and the mouth of my horse. The bit is sacred." Lester Buckley

"Follow what your heart says is truly and inherently right. When you're violating your conscience, stop." Lester Buckley

"Bill Dorrance made you feel you could do anything because he was so encouraging." Lester Buckley

"Give me my spankin' now and let's get it over with. Don't just pick on me all day!" Richard Winters

"The biggest hurdle in horsemanship is...anthropomorphizing, or assigning human-like qualities onto non-humans." Rick Lamb
(I think this is relevant because I believe one of the biggest problems husbands have in their marriages is projecting their male thoughts, values, perceptions, attitudes, opinions onto their female wives. Why can't a woman be more like a man?)

"Observe. Remember. Compare." Rick Lamb quoting Tom Dorrance

"Horses take the deal that's best for them. The one that's the least work and easiest. So, make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult." Rick Lamb

"Horses see differently than humans. Their eyes are on the side of their head. Temple Grandin says that they see in pictures and categories. They have a greater field of vision, but cannot perceive depth the way humans do. Their blind spots are different from humans. They see better in low light and their peripheral vision is better than humans." Rick Lamb
(Again, in relation to husbands and wives and fathers and children, I think the idea here is to acknowledge that my wife and children see things from a different perspective than I do.)

"When I'm light with my hands, I give my horse the opportunity to listen and respond to suggestions." Richard Winters

"When I want my horse to do something, I only put as much pressure as needed to get him to do it. I suggest, I ask, I TELL!" Jon Ensign

"There's a difference between being firm and being abusive. Being firm is knowing the timing of when to release pressure. Being abusive is not knowing when to quit." Jon Ensign

"The most important thing is the timing of cuing your horse what you want him to do." Eitan Beth-Halachmy

"He needed support from me to do the right thing." Lester Buckley

"Discipline yourself to move through distractions. When things aren't going your way, don't get bothered. It's an opportunity to train." Lester Buckley

"There's three things you need to advance: qualified instruction, the desire to learn and time to practice." Lester Buckley

"A 'broken' horse, one that's been ridden beyond its emotional, physical, spiritual limits, can't be repaired." Lester Buckley

"Let the horse keep its sense of self-preservation. A horse trusts the rider to keep him out of trouble. Never violate that trust." Lester Buckley

"I keep my goals in alignment and in parallel with my principles. Keep your principles ahead of your goals." Richard Winters

"The lighthands horseman is after the unattainable goal: 100% respect with 0% fear. It takes observation, patience persistence, courage and empathy. To do it you must gain control of your emotions. If you have impatience, anger and fear you won't be able to communicate with your horse." Dr. Robert Miller

"I had to teach and discipline myself to act differently; to change myself." Dr. Robert Miller

"Know your horse." Lester Buckley

Enough said! Now to practice what they preached.
Your ally in the pursuit of Christlikeness, Kim

P4E.210 Rob Bell Fared Well

2011-05-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've just finished reading Rob Bell's Love Wins - A Book About Heaven and Hell and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived. The book was panned and Rob Bell's fate sealed in many people's minds before it was ever released; before most had ever read the book. It caused a firestorm in Twitterdom after pastor and author John Piper famously tweeted "Farewell Rob Bell."

The irony is that the controversy about the book in the "Christian" community proves many of the points that I believe Bell is trying to make. In fact, Bell's writing is less about making points and more about asking questions. His writing makes me want to ask: What do we know, for sure? Does Scripture embody the entirety of the omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, infinite God? Can Scripture be interpreted in more than one way and, if so, is discussion about the differences of interpretation to be tolerated or squelched? What is the nature of the Good News? Is it open or closed-minded? Can the meaning of words change over time?

Bell rightly points out that he is not the first to bring controversy to the Christian community. More questions (some Biblical): Circumcision or no? Pigs and crustaceans or no? Pelagius or Augustine? Ptolemaic geocentric or Copernican heliocentric? Catholic or Protestant? Apocrypha? Purgatory? Wesley or Calvin? Methodist or Presbyterian? Arminian or Calvinist? Baptism or no? Submerge or sprinkle? Saturday or Sunday? Pre or Post Trib? King James only? Tongues? Cremation or burial? Slavery? Assisted suicide? Death penalty? Global warming? Cloning? Stem cell research? Wine? Beer? Smoking? (These last two remind me that our sainted C.S. Lewis was known to frequent a pub and have a pint and smoke a pipe with his contemporaries, The Inklings. I love him no less for it. In fact, I love him more.) Then again, you may think there are no questions here; that they're all answered. But, do these questions and controversies help or harm Christ? Or is it really true that they have no effect on Him? Is the universe anthropocentric or theocentric? Does God exist to save man? Is that the central message of the Bible? What is the central message of the Bible? What constitutes "belief"?

Is it all about personal salvation or Christlikeness?

I have always believed that Christianity had to (and is completely able to) hold its own in the marketplace of ideas. The Christian community seems to me to be having a fit of paranoia and is lashing out in fear at anything that it doesn't understand or disagrees with. The irony is that the arrogance, the smugness, the inflexibility, the dogma, the closed mindedness that the Christian community has exhibited towards Bell (or anyone else that has a different idea) would seem to be exactly the same attitudes that Jesus found fault with in the Pharisees and Sadducees of His time.

Is the hidden, mysterious wisdom of God hidden and mysterious because God wants to remain hidden and mysterious or because He wants to be sought and found?

Will God punish us for pursuing His mysteries by posing questions and answers?

Do I ultimately agree with Bell on heaven and hell and the fate of every person who ever lived? Maybe. Maybe not. But, I do not fear questions. I do not fear being "born again" over and over and over again into a different and emerging understanding of God and His people and His world and His universe. I do not fear change because God and Christ are always working and work means change. If I am to work the works of God, I must believe in Christ and the evidence of that belief, Christ said, would be love. So let it be.

"The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can hear the wind but can't tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you can't explain how people are born of the Spirit." John 3:8 (NLT)

Rob Bell starts his book with a reference to Gandhi. So, I will end this post with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi:

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

I pray that we can erase Gandhi's perception and be more Christlike to those closest to us and the world.

P4E.209 Blaue Blume Moments

2011-04-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

Every time I think I'm over my cloud fascination another incredible cloud-filled day comes along...and I'm pursuing the Blue Flower again!

They're water vapor...

Reflecting the sun...

Filtering light...

Changing and moving...

Creating shade and shadow...

Inspiring...

And providing a glimpse into the Heart of God...

Capturing that fleeting feeling of connecting with Him...

The one you wish would stay forever...

And someday will...

(These pictures were all taken with my Droid Incredible phone!)

This post is shared with L.L Barkat's

and Laura Boggess'

P4E.208 Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh at Yourself...

2011-03-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

We have a couple of rabbits that live in hutches in our backyard. (We have a couple more that live inside, too. Don't ask me why two live outside and two live inside. I don't really know myself!) On Saturday morning, before leaving to do some errands, I was going to feed the backyard rabbits. I usually fill a large tumbler with water to re-fill the water bottles and gather the parsley for the rabbits. I had bird food for our Australian Zebra Finches that are in the outdoor aviary as well. I was in my socks and as I set it all by the back door before I went to get my shoes, I spilled a bunch of the water on the floor and immediately stepped into it with my stockinged feet. I was in a hurry and I groaned, knowing this would set me back a couple of minutes.

I tried to figure out what to do first. Should I take my socks off? Should I get a paper towel and mop up the floor? If I walk more I'll get water everywhere. Did I have any other socks I could wear? Should I go ahead and finish feeding the rabbits and birds first? I know it sounds silly, but I just froze in indecision and heaved a big sigh.

My wife, Gwen, had ignored the first groan. With the sigh she turned and asked "What's the matter?" Exasperated, I replied "Well, I spilled the water and stepped in it and now my socks are wet and I just don't know what to do first!" Gwen turned back to washing the dishes and said, "You know Kim, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself..."

I involuntarily laughed. Not at myself, mind you. I was laughing at the very idea that I should laugh at myself in these circumstances. I know that my father did the best he knew how in raising me and I do my best to hold no grudges. But, he did not set an example of laughing at himself or at circumstances when things went wrong. Things got very serious and explosive around my house when things went wrong. There was a lot of yelling and exploding eyeballs and exasperation and sarcasm and fuming. There could be humor, but it usually had its roots in cynicism, in sarcasm, and in mocking. Failure was not tolerated well.

In any case, that is the past and I am responsible for my own behavior now. I have done (and even excelled in) what was modelled for me, but it doesn't have to continue. So, now I seriously consider the value of having a sense of humor (LOL!).

Many studies show (and we know by our own experience) that women are attracted to men with a sense of humor. Not the crude kind of humor. Not the kind that belittles or mocks others. Not cynical or sarcastic humor. Not the kind of humor that deflects or defers the seriousness of a serious situation. But, women value the kind of humor that can lighten a burdensome situation. The kind of humor that allows a man to laugh at himself. Women appreciate the kind of good humor that minimizes or overlooks their mistakes, missteps, errors and failures (Indeed, I think everyone does).

A good sense of humor is not something I can generate overnight. Even without taking my upbringing into account, I am a pretty serious guy by nature. I don't like making mistakes. I don't like looking like a fool. I'm easily embarrassed and don't naturally see the humor in situations that cause me inconvenience or cost me time and/or money. But, I think just becoming self-aware of this about myself is a start (To be truthful, I did not become self-aware, I needed my "help"). Letting go of pride and replacing it with a sense of humor is something I want and can have...if I can just laugh at myself. A laugh will beat a frown every time.