I am naturally skinny, and I do not appreciate being told that I am something to be thrown to an animal, or that I do not even look like a female. I am working with what God gave me, and it has taken me years of insecurities to finally be happy with my more-or-less flat chest and mediocre booty. I can’t change it, but I can change the way I think about it, and I love myself. I do not feel the need to tell others they are undesirable in order to inflate my own self-worth.

My message is short, and sweet: Be happy with who you are, but DO NOT put other people down to make yourself feel better.

I’m going to ahead and say this growth occurs when one’s level of consciousness shifts. I’m going to suggest imagining these levels as stairs, leading to ultimate consciousness — what occurs at this highest level, I can’t begin to describe (I really can’t – I’m sure I’m still way on the bottom levels). What occurs at these different levels, I believe, is a new awareness of something. I can already suggest that one level is the moment one realizes “I am able to think for myself” (this moment happened for me sometime around 12-13 years of age; sometime around becoming a teenager). I believe another level is transcended when a friend (or enemy) does (or does not) do something that makes you realize not all in the world are good people. One has now (or at least, I have) transcended two levels, as two “awarenesses” have been realized: 1. I have the ability to think for myself and 2. There is much adversity in the world we live in. I’m going to go ahead and assume that the majority of the world have lived through these stages and changed much as a result. The second step of consciousness that I’ve described, however, is the deciding level, I believe, that determines whether one will continue growing in order to, ultimately, reach a higher level. For example: if, upon learning that not all in the world are good one decides to just be bad because everyone’s doing it, then I don’t believe true growth is occuring. If one just “goes with the flow” because not doing anything against status quo is easier, then I don’t believe true growth is being experienced. I suggest that only those individuals who have truly embraced this change and have consequently grown positively are the only ones who will continue passing from one level of consciousness to another.

I would like to suggest that another level of consciousness is that of religion, spirituality, and philosophy. This is the level that I believe I have just arrived onto, and what has possessed me to write this now.

This quarter I am a participant in those classes discussing Philosophical Inquiry, Religious Worldviews and Ethical Perspectives, among 2 others. At the exact same time in the sixth week of the quarter, every single class I was taking talked about the exact same thing: religion, science, and philosophy (would you imagine that even my spanish class was on the “religion” unit at this time?). As a practicing Catholic, these topics coinciding made for a crazy, intellectual rollercoaster.

First, we read Freud’s “Future of Illusions,” which basically claims that God is this father-figure that human beings fabricated in order to feel protection from nature and a sense of command over nature and that religion is simply this concept we keep running back to in order to prevent ourselves from feeling lost. Ohhhh, boy. Hello, doubt. Freud makes a very persuasive case, and my faith felt a little off balance. The discomfort continued, however. At the same time in my [history of] religions class, we were reading scholarly essays and books that each either presented Darwinism, creationism, or Intellectual Design (a combo of the two that tries to get creationists their foot in the door where the merit of these two origins of life is concerned). Each side had persuasive arguments — one sometimes seemed to be more credible than the other, and sometimes, the other side just made so much more sense to me, as a living, breathing, human entity. Whatever the case, it made my mind spin in circles and I felt entirely lost in my faith, religion, and entire foundation of a person.

Little did I know that this uncertainty — this anxiety — was really my consciousness on its way to a higher level/a new state of awareness. This week (today, specifically) I feel I reached this new level, with its perks and its new challenges. First, I am now aware that I, as an individual, am in a constant state of flux. I may not have long until I reach a new level of awareness – when this happens, I think, is up to whatever that is guiding life and its events (I’m going to go ahead and leave that undelved- but I feel I’ll have a better grasp of what is leading this life of mine and of others eventually). Again, whether we skip levels, or whether every human being goes through the levels of consciousness the same way is another question I think I might have a theory for that another day.

I’m so much more aware of my being in relation to the being of others and my being in the world. What do I mean? I mean that I realize how much my words and actions affect those with whom I interact (what helped me become of this awareness was my experience these past two weekend with individuals who don’t seem to be aware of their words and actions. As a result, my sensitivity, to that which they are/were not aware of, has increased). For example, today on the train, a man stepped on my foot as he was sitting next to me. He apologized profusely, and I noticed he seemed genuinely surprised when I didn’t give him a dirty look but gave a big grin and told him not to worry about a thing. When I exited, he thanked me for “sparing him” and wished me a good day. Will he be kinder to the man who, in the future, accidentally steps on his foot?

When I was waiting for the next train, I saw a woman with a stunning red coat that just looked fantastic on her. I complimented her, and she thanked me with the humblest smile. I think she’s still thinking about it, too, and smiling. Which stranger might she compliment in her future, in order to share the joy I may have helped her feel?

Finally, as I was standing beneath the warming lights, a man approached and saw there was no room for him. I stepped aside and let him  stand next to me. Again, I share these stories not because I seek credit or praise but to demonstrate how widely spread shocked reactions at a stranger’s kindness seem to be. He thanked me and smiled, as if seeing me for the first time (even though he just glanced at me before, but with ‘dead’ eyes). Will he move aside for the next person he sees standing in the cold?

My point is – this is where these seemingly awful, simultaneous changes finally came together to reveal themselves as one beautifully-wrapped package of awareness:

My beliefs will not be constant. They will change. When they’re in transition, it will be a time of anxiety and uncertainty. In the same way simultaneous events come together to create this chaos, however, corresponding events will occur to bring focus into what needs to be done to calm the storm — but this tranquility will only be temporary. Change will come again, and whether I stay on the same level of consciousness or proceed higher, will be the determinent factor of whether I have, or have not, grown.

Let me continue from where I left off -

On Saturday in Arkansas, we slept in (er, Cody did – I was up at 7 and watching CSI with Momma =]). I can only take so much mystery so early in the morning, so I got my hoodie (it was that kind of chilly morning, where you can just feel autumn starting to take over), slipped my flippy floppys on (mistake? there was heavy dew – not quite used to it in Chicago) and walked outside to just take in all the green. I had remembered that last time I visited (in July), Cod and I took their 4-wheeler and drove full speed on the pasture  around his home (I love saying that.. straight outta a country song: “pasture around his home..”) I realized, however, that there were plastic bags tied around the fence. Thank goodness Cody told me about that when I was there in July because being a city girl like myself, I assumed that the plastic bag had flown out of some litterbug’s hand and gotten stuck on their fence. I… was very wrong. Turns out the plastic bag serves as a warning that the fence has an electric current running through it, thus shocking whoevers feels the need to trespass (read “Third Times the Charm” at the bottom of this post for a related story). Point is – I couldn’t find the entrance to the pasture and was beginning to wonder why a pasture should exist if one can’t even walk on it. My reflective mood morphed into a confused one, and a confused prettynerd isn’t a happynerd.  Obviously.

I heard “Marco!” from afar. I had to smile, and answered “Polo!” Cody found me and asked what I was up to. I expressed my sadness at not being able to run around the pasture to let free the suppressed country girl held inside my silly yankee body. He smiled and led me to this entrance (a huge thing that keeps the horses in?) and swung it open – I didn’t know I could have opened it! In the movies, only the cowboys do it! I, clearly, am not a cowboy. I was stunned, but very happy that I could now visit the green waiting for me.

It was gorgeous. Huge trees surround the property.. green, freshly mowed (and there is A LOT to mow), and morning dew on my feet. Their two horses were grazing; it was just a picture perfect moment.  The horses must have seen us and assumed we had food, because they started walk on over to us. We pet them for a while and then started walking back towards the house. As we were walking, the horses started following very close behind and, “Momma,” I believe her name is, started nudging her nose into Cody’s back. I say this while shaking my head.. those horses are not horses. Cody said it best: “What do you think y’all are? Yard dogs?” I’ve got to say, it’s the first time I felt I had bonded with a horse. She was nudging her nose into my hand! It was adorable! And yes, very dog like. Anywho.

We walked home hand in hand and had a nice breakfast and headed off to a purty lake – Lake Catherine. We took the boat with the tube and went tubing – I did get knocked off, but it took Cod’s dad quite a while – I wouldn’t go down without a fight! It’s fun shaking your fist, challening the guy on the boat. I wouldn’t suggest doing it often though – you might not handle the next gigantor waves they throw at you.

Dinner on Saturday was fantastic. I got to meet a lot of Cody’s cousins and yes, we played Uno again. See? The north and south aren’t that different after all. We just all need to play Uno as an ice breaker every now and then. If only it had existed before the Civil War broke out, huh? =)

**Third Times a Charm

Cody’s mom told me a story that included this evil, electric fence. Cody’s dad was sitting on porch looking onto the pasture and saw a baby deer. This deer tried passing through the pasture (smart deer, I think; s/he must have heard from somewhere that nothing good can come from playing on pavement). Poor guy got shocked once (stupid, I guess, who wouldn’t know that the plastic bags mean stay away!?), jumped back, walked forward again, got shocked again, and finally – after getting teased a third time (I feel so bad for just having exploited a deer for the entertainment of those reading my blog, but hey), the deer moved around and moved on.

Probably the best time of the weekend was Sunday, and that’ll be posted another day =).

New Friends and Old Friends
Joseph Parry
1841-1903

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.
New-made friendships, like new wine,
Age will mellow and refine;
Friendships that have stood the test–
Time and change–are surely best;
Brow may wrinkle, hair grow gray,
Friendship never knows decay.
For ‘mid old friends, tried and true,
Once more we our youth renew.
But old friends, alas!  may die,
New friends must their place supply.
Cherish friendship in your breast–
New is good, but old is best;
Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

Family Friday

Forget about the fact that the first day of autumn is a couple days away and pretend today, Monday, September 20th, is the Friday of Labor Day weekend - a day where dreams of the possibilities and expectations arise in hope that what this one last summer weekend can offer you really is the topping on the cupcake. I had such dreams (goodness, sounds like I’m 80 and telling the miserable-version story of my life) on that Friday, and they were quickly coming true. You see, I’m in a long distance relationship (and have been for two years). The jam to my jelly lives in Philadelphia because of school, but he was raised in Arkansas. I was trekking my way over to O’Hare Airport to meet him, because his layover from PA to AR was in ORD (Why there’s a ‘D’ in O’Hare’s airport code has always buffled me). We met and giggled like five year olds finding out that our moms will let us play outside while we waited for our flight.

The flight was so fun. First off, I’ve never experienced a shorter flight. My first flight was to Poland, and it was a good 9 hours (count more, though, because we had a 2-3 hour layover in London). My second flight was also to PL and my third was to Costa Rica. The total flight time was about 7 hours (because we had to fly to Atlanta, then transfer to fly the rest of the way). SO – this 1.5 hour flight to Little Rock was so nice. It’s kind of peaceful knowing that, if I ever needed to, I could leave in 10 minutes (4pm) and be there by (5:30). Cody and I couldn’t sleep (as you could imagine – 5 year olds can’t really sleep when on a natural high), so we played individual games of Sudoku and manuevered our bodies to manipulate the direction the plane was headed (Cody swears that when he hugged me to him and brought me towards the window, the plane tipped every time. PS if I wasn’t the skinny minny I am, I would be offended, I’m sure. As luck would have it – the only thing that I can tip is.. no… wind tips me. Damn). We landed shortly and I got to see his beautiful parents – they really are a purty couple.

It’s a 45 minute drive from the airport (WHICH, FRIENDS FROM CHICAGO, HAS ONLY 1 TERMINAL AND.. 12? GATES. I was definitely south of the Mason-Dixon line =D)  to “Wit’s End Manor” so we talked and I got to drink in all the green I don’t see every day (If anyone ever feels the need to drown in steel and bricks, I can definitely provide; my hometowns got it all). After some dinner and dessert, we (Cody and I + Cody’s sister and her boyfriend + Cody’s momma) sat down and played some oldschool UNO (when you don’t have the color or the number, keep drawin’, baby!!)

It really was a great night — Quality time with family, AMAZING food, and three more days left until I had to fly back to Chicago. This really was a great weekend. I’ll write about Saturday, Sunday, and Monday soon! Subscribe to get the updates when they come! To the right of this post is an envelope icon. Click it, type in your e-mail address and you’ll get my posts (but you can always unsubscribe if you so desire – no hard feelings, because I don’t know who’s subscribed in the first place).

Happy Reading!

And here I am.

In hindsight, I’m an idiot for waking up so early.

Moving on -

Since I’ve been busy, everyone seems to be asking how everything’s going since I just returned from a trip I took Labor Day weekend (I visited my boyfriend’s family in Arkansas). I have so many different things going on with school and my life and school and my life (intentionally repeated, don’t worry), that I feel like I can’t keep up with everyone I would like to. I love my friends to the death, but goodness do I feel overwhelmed. So – rather than respond to 2039470932742y facebooks individually (basically telling the whole story), I decided to write a post during my breaks between classes. Oh, and if you’re thinking “What!? I’m not worth a personal story?!” This should make you feel better.. It’s the honest truth that, because of my crazy busy schedule, you’d probably only get one or two broad stories. Here, you’ll get all the stories and all the details. Yay!) In the midst of this, however, I really am grateful that I have so many different people interested in what the hells going on in my life. If nothing else, y’all are just [forcing] me to write down memories that I know I’ll want to look back on when I’m 90. If it weren’t for you, I might not have even thought of creating a written record of this crazy transition in my life this week. Point is – thanks for honing in on the ‘nosy’ in you – it’s appreciated! =D

I’ll try really hard to get some of this last week posted soon. Stay tuned!

I have opened iTunes and will press play, hear one phrase, write it down, and then press “forward,” where iTunes will shuffle and find another random tune. I may skip two songs, rearrange phrases for comic purposes, and add a couple transition words every now and then.

I wonder if this will actually make sense. Enjoy!

Waitin’, watchin’ the clock; it’s four o’clock
Lazy yellow moon comin’ up tonight.
Four wheels tearin’ up a fresh green pasture,
Wind blowin’ on my face,
I got a pocket full of sunshine.
I would have given you all of my heart,
when I dropped to my knees in that field on your daddy’s farm.

Baby, I’ve been drifting away
I don’t know where I’m goin’,
I got my toes in the water.
I could hide ‘neath the wings of the blue bird as she sings.

I came to dance
Where the boys are.
Well I walked in, the band just started
Five p.m. rolls around,
Time goes by so slowly.
He didn’t have to wake up
I’ll never forget the first time that I heard,
“The lady that I know just came from Colombia. We met on the highway.”
It’s strange to hear your voice
I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I was sittin’ on the doorstep
Phone rings, baby cries, TV, diet, guru, lies, “Good morning hunnie”
You told me, “I want a girl that won’t talk back.”
I close my eyes.
“Baby girl, I’ve been watching you all day.
Lay your head down on my shoulder.”
Just look at us, dust on our hearts.
How am I supposed to breathe without air?
All he could think was, “I’m too young for this.”
Seein’ you sittin’ alone
Honey, why you callin’ me so late?
“Because it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life.”
I will remember you.

I’m enjoying this. I can’t believe this became something. Can’t wait to do this again next time I’m bored hahahah

Ciao!

     I seem to have a problem with the ‘like’ button. ‘Why in the world, PrettyNerd, does this matter?’ you might ask me. I’ll tell you why - it’s the difference between a shrimp and a whale, tolerance and appreciation… LIKE and flipping LOVE.

     Both show a positive emotion, of course. Both acknowledge what was said, but if further analyzed, this (seemingly trivial) post shows some of the real intentions behind the actions. Like I said – shrimp vs whale.

     A ‘like’ shows that one agrees with the emotion, idea, thought or belief that was posted. Aquaintances are most likely to ‘like.’ They don’t need to start a conversation or rekindle a lost friendship – they just say “yes. you have a point.” and move on to the next ‘friend.’ This kind of bugs me – it’s the impersonal side of facebook that I don’t want infiltrating the social network. They’re not engaging in a conversation with me – they are simply nodding at my words. That’s like twiddling your thumbs during a meeting at which you’re being lectured. The facebook status might be a short type of lecture, but if you just kind of nod, you’re not contributing to the meeting or discussion. This makes the facilitator (or status writer) sad.

     A comment goes way beyond a simple acknowledgment for me. Instead of just smiling at my statuses, the friends who comment my statuses seem to be going out of their way to contribute to the  ’meeting’ going on on my facebook. A comment furthers the topic started and even opens the opportunity to make plans with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. When a friend ‘likes’ my status, where am I left to go? Am I to go to their wall and type “Thanks for liking my status! I’m so glad you agree with me!” — Sorry, but this would get tiring (and a tad annoying). Certainly, liking is great for showing that human beings actually agree with something or someone (especially when someone’s status is awesome enough to get 25+ people to like it).

     After a birthday party of mine (the first and last ‘big’ party i had during my high school years),  I learned that in the debate of quantity versus quality, the latter definitely wins. I had invited a lot of people, then realized my ‘real’ friends were those who helped me clean up afterwards – not just the ones who were drinking all the booze and riding out the buzz. I invited around 20 people… only 3 people helped me clean up. These 3 people ended up becoming my best friends (and the current commentors on my facebook statuses haha).  

Point is, while one might be loving their 30+ ‘likes’ – I’m enjoying my minimal comments (or even the 7+ coments that are only between 2 or 3 people). It might be silly, but I think the facebook friends I have that comment my statuses are my real friends.

Because if you think about it, writing a facebook status is like holding up a poster with your current thoughts written on them, walking down the street.  The friends that ‘comment,’ are the ones that stop and chat, showing their genuine care and concern. All these others (the ‘likers’) just kind of wave and walk by.

Let me ask you:

Which are the more genuine friends?

Seize the Day (Chorale) to Bad Romance