...

PARTING GIFT

2015-11-13T15:11:00.001+08:00

For the girls..

A forever remembrance that one October day, the 15 of us was fated to become the Lakambinis.

I will forever miss you.

L-R bottom: Salome, Coleen, Tel, MC, Batchinatics, Jough

L-R middle: Joey, Mommy Rhee, Zel, Carmi, Phine, Cindy, Patrice

L-R top: Eve, Light

All my love,

Ysh

I WOULD HAVE STAYED UP WITH YOU ALL NIGHT...

2015-11-13T09:49:00.001+08:00

POINT. BLANK

2015-11-12T18:05:00.001+08:00

THIS BLOG WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 24 HOURS.

NEVER AGAIN TO BE FOUND.

XoXo,

Ysh

THROWBACK

2015-11-12T13:36:00.001+08:00

How I wish bata na lang ako.. So there'd be no heartaches, no dramas, no shits, no problems, and tears are only because of skinned knees and not hearts.

PS. I still miss you Boo, this was our last picture together.

Memoirs 1.3 INVISIBLE

2015-11-12T11:53:00.001+08:00

In my attempt to remember, I’d discovered why some things were convenient to forget. My head was throbbing. But it wasn’t just from lack of hydration, it was also from excessive emotional poking. And the question still remained: had I ruined the very little thread of hope that we have? In more ways than one? And had I shot him with my utmost honesty?

No. F-ing. Way.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little. But it was keeping me from fixating on something I was desperately trying to forget. The evil unwanted exile that they've put me in. It could bite me over and over again and it always did.

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem. Blending in was the new name of the game, and I was ready to play. I was more than ready but is it my fault if people still regard me as the old character that they loved so much? How can I not be MC? Of course I wanted them to see the real me, but they chose not to. HOW IS IT MY EFFIN FAULT?

Clearly, it was time to come to terms with the fact that what I wanted to happen and what was actually going to happen weren't the same. It felt like everything had changed. But nothing had changed. Except that I finally knew that he's always gonna be out of the door in a flash whenever I throw spite. Like what he did last night. AGAIN. It's as easy as a blink of an eye to UNFOLLOW me. There you go.

---And there's this girl who I couldn't think was capable of deliberately sabotaging whatever connection we still have. But her actions make me really think hard. As much as I wanted to hate on her, I couldn't. The bitch was decent. Maybe even sweet. And it really made me want to kill myself.

Someone once said that it's choice, not chance, that determines our destiny. My head made the choice to end things with him. But my heart...

...my heart was still waiting for the chance that my head might...reconsider.

Did I screw up my destiny? Or was my fate supposed to stink?

He thinks I do. They think I do. Even I think I do.

I stink.

Hey Ysh,

Stop thinking. Let yourself live in the moment. Be it a moment with him in it, or not since he fled again (eye roll). Everything will be easy. Everything will be as it was meant to be. Don't stop believing in fairy tales. Don't stop believing in Soulmates.

11.12.15

Chasing You

2015-11-11T22:52:00.001+08:00

If I lay here..

If I just lay here..

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Memoirs 1.2 HATE YA

2015-11-10T12:49:00.001+08:00

People have been rocking my boat. But my expectations of complete recovery has blown over JUST. LIKE. THAT. I don't have all the answers. One thing has been for sure from the past weeks. With regard to how I feel? Nothing has changed. I assume that this was supposed to be the calm before the storm. Why was I even expecting a storm? I'm seriously racking up my brains right now.

*REAL TIME*

I AM SOOOO HATING HIS TIMELINE!!! 😡

So what? Before I rig someone's neck right now I would rather watch a movie and doze off. Turning notifications OFF! Grr.

I mean, the thing that I have been waiting for happened. It was bittersweet. It was satisfying. It was heartbreaking. But after the goodbyes, I was left smiling like a cheshire cat. Ugh.

What I needed was a push in the right direction. Because I was lost. Was I found? Yeaaaahhhh.

I cannot focus on writing. Really. My thoughts are scattered.

I HATE HIS TIMELINE!!!!!!!!!! 😡

Hey you,

NOT FUNNY. ME HATIN HERE.

11.10.15

Maiyan's 22nd

2015-11-09T13:04:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday Marrianetot. Haha :) I sure had fun!

Memoirs 1.1 DEAR ME

2015-11-05T01:20:00.001+08:00

"Did you forget? That I was even alive, did you regret? Everything we had inside.. Did you forget about me?"

Well well, years ago I was on this phase. I so thought that the girl that I once was, was gone. I was very wrong..

Timing is one of the judges of life. Destiny is fatal. I wanted to secure every single decision that I made just so I don't regret anything in the end. I so wanted to make everything right... just so I can say to myself that I made the right thing, and with no regrets I can continue with my life as it is right now.

But when Fate interferes, Timing and Destiny falls out.

I keep hoping for that special person who I consider still as mine, though we or I decided to stay low and part ways I still give a damn about him, but he opts not to care. Okay, I can deal with that, nor if I find out that he's spending time with someone new, I can totally understand.

I just wanted a pleasant closure (Why do I hate that word?)

So, CLOSURE. YES, I GOT IT. He made it seem so easy. Maybe it was really that easy and I was just procrastinating the thought that he will pull the end of the rope that's still tied onto me. But he cut it. So now I'm wandering. Really, how much shit can happen into your life before you even consider you had a truce with the sin-meter already?

Maybe what really makes me tick is the fact that no one really gives a damn. I wanted to talk, nada. IT WASN'T REAL! I will be forever stuck here and he will be forever tied there! How serious can it get? I hate it that now I'm the one with collapsing, crashing and crumbling hopes which, I rebuild on a daily basis, only to let it slide into a rubble at the end of the day. If you don't get what I'm saying, let me slap it into your face:

I MISS YOU!!!!! You enormously stubborn pain in the ass!!!!!

Shit happens.

Just like that, 2 memoirs in a row. Jusko.

11.05.15

Memoirs 1.0

2015-11-04T16:16:00.001+08:00

For a few days now, I was judged, I was left out, I was floating, I was... Drowning.

I couldn't blame him. He was honest. He was bold. My friend's perception of being bold? Sinner. So what the hell do you care? Yeah, I'm done.

Everything that once was simple, is now complicated. Turns out, I needed to take at least 8 steps to recovery.

1. Forget everything that happened (yeah, right)

2. Forget him (yeah, right again)

3. Forget missing him (facepalm)

4. Meet new people, and it means one person who listens to my nonsense blabbing because NO ONE ELSE DOES. (deo deo deo)

5. Stop comparing him to the new people (kill me now)

6. Stop stalking (deactivate now?)

7. UNFOLLOW him (easy...)

8. UNLOVE him (... </3...)

NO BIG right? If only the reality is still separated from this wonderful fantasy that we onced lived. My 8 steps to recovery is easy peasy.. Psshh! I can definitely HEAL like what everyone is telling me to do. *rolling eyes*

If only.... "Bahala na si Batman"

Bahala na din ako..

DARNA!!!!

11.05.15

GO FOR IT

2015-11-04T13:41:00.001+08:00

Memoirs 0.9

2015-11-02T00:48:00.001+08:00

I am trying so hard to surpass this phase of emotional roller-coaster ride that I've involved myself into for the past month.

I cannot thank my twitter friends enough for tirelessly comforting me despite the distance and time differences *shout out to you besh Carmi!*

I am pretending. I know I say that I'm finally okay but deep in the dark corners of my heart, I hide the tears and the pain.

I mean, realistically speaking. Nobody moves on in 5 days.

God I miss him. So much. But I engage myself in different things just so I can forget how wonderful it is to think of him every hour of every day. I need to do this. I need to make this work.

My tears are dried up and my heart is learning the art of letting go. Eventually everything will be brand new. Soon, I will be free again.

But this crack, this piece in my broken heart that he took, will never be the same again. Along with it are memories of me and all the colors that I've emitted with him and for him. I know so, he will never ever forget my existence. He will forever miss me just like how I'm missing him right now, it hurts.

Soon.

"Tuloy parin ang awit ng buhay ko, magbago man ang hugis ng puso mo.."

Goodnight, Ysh. You will be fine.

11.2.15

THAT STAGE.

2015-10-31T20:14:00.001+08:00

Warning sirens blare all over me. This is gonna be FUN. What exactly follows a heartache again???

YEAH.

BURN

2015-10-31T00:07:00.001+08:00

"I Burn In Hell Loving You"

LIES.

Nope. I'm not angry. I'm hurt.

I'm gonna be okay.

...

I hope.

10.30.15

27

2015-10-27T09:21:00.001+08:00

1 month. Wow.

I do not know who blabbed, but last night, he once again made me giddy all over when he greeted me first! Today is the mark of the first month since we met each other. Though virtually, but his coming into my life has changed me in ways I didn't even think possible.

---saved as draft---

INSPIRATION CUT SHORT.

Sorry. I can't.

Memoirs 0.8

2015-10-25T00:53:00.001+08:00

"Kahit sabihin na mali ako, alipin mo o bihag mo ako'y iyong iyo..."

Gusto ko sya. That I'm certain. If seems only yesterday when I was bawling my eyes out because of extreme sadness when he decided to stay out of the limelight, the only avenue where I can reach out to him, and he to me.

So much has happened. In my entire existence, I have never ever thought that this kind of wonderful would happen to me. Not in my dreams.

He has the ideal mind and heart of what kind of ideal this heart of mine has been longing for. But yeah, distance and fate will always intervene. How ironic.

But he gave me a gift. A wonderful and amazing gift.. He gave me new friends. He made my days lighter, he makes me burst with laughter, he makes my heart happier. He made it all possible :)

4 weeks. 4 WEEKS!

Am I dreaming? This smile in my face could only prove that I'm not.

Hey baby,

I'm hearing this now...

"Ikaw ang tunay na ligaya

Tanging ikaw, sinta
Umaga, hapon kahit magdamag
Laging ikaw, sinta

Hindi magsasawa, sa piling mo..."

I love you.

10.25.15

Memoirs 0.7

2015-10-22T17:21:00.001+08:00

ARE WE GOOD?

"Mirror, mirror on the wall.. Tell me, am I okay?"

So, yeah I was looking at the mirror in my room a while ago, brows furrowed and in deep contemplation. Are we good? Are we okay? How am I? How is he?

There has been changes. I must admit, it was well thought-of, all credits to him. He says it's for me. Am I happy? Yes.

The other night, I broke down again. It was a mix of exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of love. I just miss him so much. Yes I do interact with him, all for the love of the people who loves and supports his reputation in the online world.

I realized, at the end of the day, it's still the real him that I crave and miss. I still can say this, I AM IN-LOVE.

I cannot believe that it's almost a month already. Why does it feel so strange?

Maybe I really found my SOULMATE.

Hey you,

I'll support everything that will make you happy.

I'm just here. Always gonna be here.

Everyday I love you...

10.22.15

Memoirs 0.6

2015-10-20T09:06:00.001+08:00

"Where could he be? Will I spend a lifetime searching endlessly, for that someone to hold and call my own, oh where could he be.. Heaven help him find his way to me..." -Donna Cruz

Absence. I'm getting used to it. Sometimes I hate it but now, I just give it a pout and go on with my life. Here.

I'm certain that he's just gonna be another "passer" in my life. I guess he's just a lift on my chin when God thought that I needed one. Maybe he was planned to just stop-over and then, leave.

But I'm not a stop-over. I'm a destination.

Nasasanay na ako na wala ka. Baka kailangan ko na mag-ready talaga.

Last week was a big blow. I crumbled and I melted and I was rooted to your shadow. I have no regrets. I love you.

I'm still chasing pavements, your pavements. Sabi nga sa kanta.. "even if it leads nowhere.." But please, if you can't stop for me, at least make the path that I'm running on as smooth as possible. I don't think I need another rock to stumble down on. I'm gonna fall apart again, just like that, and I don't think I'll stand up the same way I did for you.

Don't let that happen. Please.

Hey you,

I miss you. I'm still stiff on your grip, only you can make me whole again.

10.20.15

GIVE ME A BREAK

2015-10-19T11:39:00.001+08:00

I tap my foot to the rhythm of Ed Sheeran's Gold Rush while I stand in the middle of the line with the students of Bicol College, routed to the cashier's window to pay. Finals week. Yey... Duh.

Outside the bars of the school's gate, I see the hustle and the bustle of the people. The pine trees lines up the street sway with the wind. I stare, and I stare, and I stare until stars appear on the corner of my eyes. Oh God, i'm still reeling.

A tap on my shoulder brings me to earth.

I see a freshman laughing in front of my face, saying something that I couldn't make up. I tug down one earphone and say "What?"

He looks taken aback. I feel aware of the heads slowly working on my direction, girls. Come on, get a grip. My eyebrows arch. He smiles once again and tilted his head to the left..

"Hi ate Ysh! Kumusta ka naman? Hehehe"

I eyed him. Studying his face. His chinky eyes, rimless eyeglasses, toothy grin, blue jansport backpack, ruffled hair. He looks like Hiro Nakamura of Heroes, really. But I'm not in the mood today, and I don't know his name.

"GO" was the only word that came out of my mouth right-after.

He scuttles away. Funny how everyone feels obligated to get my attention whenever they see me at school. Which is rarely, if I may say. The people around me are still staring though, what the hell. I give it a sigh, lean to the post nearest me, plug-in the earphones and put Sway on full volume.

"Say you'll stay, don't come and go like you do"

I smile. How very fitting for Palits (as what Carmi suggested we call him). Hahaha!

Just like that, my mood changes. I recall our conversation last night. I should give it all up to him, really, the credit and appreciation. Even if he repeatedly makes my heart flop and swing all ways around possible, he's still so very charming. I hate it. No, (rolling eyes), I love it.

Really, I've been transitioning. From the weeks that passed where I was very clingy and was very used to having him with me in just a click, to now where I cannot seem to connect and get through to him. He's a rare case of complicated. Whenever I try to move on and just give up, he comes rushing back and heaves me back closer to him as ever. I feel like there's this invisible rope that's somehow tied on to me and he's holding the other end. Oh dear.

Black Magic.. What have you done to me?

Another tap. I spin around, my literary editor saying her assignments are done.

"Good job! Leave it all to my desk sa office, thanks bhe!"

Then came running our Dean, but then she caught a glimpse of me and dramatically halted, stepping backward to where I stood.

"Ysh! Where have you been? Overtime na tayo next week ha! I need you everyday and night next week after finals. We'll release on the enrollment week!"

I smile widely and give her a quite exaggerated nod.

"YES, MA'AM!"

Great. Just great. When will I get my rest, God?

-aliella's halloween costume

-ate dette's headpiece

-julie's invitation

-julie's flowercrown

-julie's bday

-dad's bday

-legazpi fiesta

-publication presswork

-final editing

-printing press visit

-enrollment

-release

-nocturnes

-all souls and saints' day

-zya's bday

Yung totoo? May sembreak ba talaga?

Tsk.

Gutom na ako :(

10.19.15

SAPAT NA.

2015-10-18T23:16:00.001+08:00

Anong isusulat ko?

...

... Wala. Walang salitang gustong kumawala sa puso't isipan ko. Wala.

Subalit...

Tapos na ang pagdaloy ng luha. Tapos na ang paninikip ng dibdib. Tapos na ang paglalaban ng puso at utak.

Tapos na nga ba?

Pero... Bakit? Bakit umaasa ka parin?

Nalipasan na ng labis na hinagpis sa maya't mayang pagkawala. Napagod na ang puso sa mga damdamin na hindi kailanman mapapakawalan.

Napagod... Ngunit patuloy kang umaasa... Isa ka bang tanga?

Ang matutong magmahal ang pinakamakabuluhan sa mundong ito. Ipagmamalaki ko habangbuhay na nagmahal ako...

Minahal man o hindi, nagmahal ako. Yun lang, sapat na.

Wala akong masabi. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako sa mundong binuo nating dalawa. Wala akong masabi...

Maghihintay ako? Maaaring oo, maaaring hindi. Wala akong makitang liwanag. Madilim ang tinatahak ng aking puso patungo sayo..

Pero, maramdaman lang ang pagmamahal mo, yun lang, sapat na.

Patuloy kang hahanap-hanapin. Ikaw lang ang hinahanap ng puso ko. Lagi mo sanang iisipin, san man ako mapunta, san man ako dalhin ng tadhana... Minsan sa iyong makulay na buhay, minahal kita ng higit pa sa iyong akala.

...

... Hindi magbabago.

10.18.15

BRAVE

2015-10-18T13:04:00.001+08:00

Say what you wanna say...

And let the words fall out...

Honestly...

I wanna see you be BRAVE. 💁🏻

50 Random Questions Tag

2015-10-17T10:50:00.000+08:00

Where were you 3 hours ago?- SHOWER
Who are you in love with?- REALLY? YOU WHO MIGHT BE READING THIS
Have you ever eaten a crayon?- UHH, NOPE
Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?- YEP, MY IPAD
When is the last time you went to the mall?- 2 DAYS AGO
Are you wearing socks right now?- NOPE
Does your family have a car worth over $2,000?- YES
When was the last time you drove out of town?- I DROVE? UHH, 7 YEARS AGO
Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?- YES :)
Are you hot?- FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK, I HAVE FEVER RIGHT NOW, SO YEAH
What was the last thing you had to drink?- MULE LAST NIGHT, COFFEE NOW.
What are you wearing right now?- BROWN TOP, BLACK SHORTS
Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?- LET DAD DO IT :p
Last food that you ate?- CHEESY TUNA PASTA THAT I COOKED LAST NIGHT
Where were you last week at this time?- IN MY BED, ROLLING OVER THE FRESH SHEETS (I CHECKED MY PHONE'S PICS, LOL)
Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?- YES
When is the last time you ran?- LAST WEEK, JOGGED AT LGP BOULEVARD
What's the last sporting event you watched?- LAST WEEK, GOVERNOR'S CUP
What is your favorite animal?- DOGS
Your dream vacation?- SANTORINI! PARIS! BAHAMAS! MALDIVES! HAWAII!
Last person's house you were in?- NEIGHBOR'S
Worst injury you've ever had? -NONE SO FAR, THANK GOD.
Have you been in love?- YES :)
Do you miss anyone right now?- YES! :(
Last play you saw?- BLOCK B, ANABEL LEE
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?- DOUBLE CHINS AND CHEESY GRINS :p
What are your plans for tonight?- NO IDEA, YET
Who is the last person you sent a FB/Twitter message or comment?- CJ
Next trip you are going to take?- MACAU on May
Ever go to camp?- Nope
Were you an honor roll student in school?- GRADE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL.. COLLEGE? NAH
What do you want to know about the future?- IF I'LL BE HAPPY :')
Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?- UCB Hot/Bench Capture/VS Seduction/Fantasy by Britney/D&G light blue
Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?- NOPE
Where is your best friend?- Grace is in Pampanga, Lala IDK, Miles in Ortigas, Marriane with boyfie, Jez IDK, Janica at training in cebupacific.
How is your best friend?- I THINK THEY'RE ALL GOOD
Do you have a tan?- NOPE
What are you listening to right now?- SEE YOU AGAIN by CHARLIE PUTH
Do you collect anything?- MAKEUP
Who is the biggest gossiper you know?- S & M
Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?- NOPE, GOOD GIRL HERE O:)
Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?- UHH, YES AT FASTFOOD RESTOS
What does your last text message say?- "ALA BEBE PASOK"- MAMI SHIE
Do you like hot sauce?- YES!
Last time you took a shower?- AN HOUR AGO
Do you need to do laundry?- DONE :)
What is your heritage?- A BIT OF SPANISH, MOSTLY FILIPINO
Are you someone's best friend?- YESSUR!
Are you rich?- NOPE, MY PARENTS ARE.
What were you doing at 12AM last night?- OOHH, WAS SLEEPING ALREADY.

DIVERT-REVERT-FORGET

2015-10-17T10:19:00.000+08:00

15 RANDOM QUESTIONS TAG!

The Questions:

#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? AYZ, ICE/ICY, AYZA
#2. What's a weird habit of yours? I CRACK MY KNUCKLES
#3. Do you have any weird phobias? BATHOPHOBIA
#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? BITCH BY MEREDITH BROOKS
#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME WAIT
#6. What's one of your nervous habits? LIP BITING
#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? RIGHT SIDE
#8. What was your first stuffed animal & it's name? A BEAR WITH HEARTS, THUS, HEARTY.
#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks? CARAMEL FRAPPE
#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice? NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR MAKEUP ON
#11. Which way do you face in the shower? BACK ON THE SHOWER
#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'? I CAN WIGGLE MY PINKY TOE, HAHA
#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyways? CHIPS
#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say? I KNOW, RIGHT / WHATEVER
#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing? OVERSIZED SHIRT, UNDIES OF COURSE.

Memoirs 0.5 [TRUTH]

2015-10-16T23:30:00.001+08:00

The truth hurts. Fact.

I feel dozens of emotions right now which, when totaled, submits myself into this blank space of state. I am reeling.

I cannot, for the love of god, put into detail the turn of events. I never will enclose the truth of the matter, where my morals are once again put to the test.

I never expected anything like this to go so far up to this point. I only wanna give love and happiness. Not pain or disappointments.

I have just risen from the pit of heartache. What blows next is even bigger, yet my tears are dried up, my heart has calmed, my body and soul was drained of emotions that might have sufficed the drama of this new revelation. I never want to hurt anyone, my intention is not to cause pain. I just wanted to feel loved, be loved, and love in return. God, this is exhausting. If this is your way of telling me that my happy days with him is over, I would oblige. I'm waiting for the signs that I asked for.

I'm tired. Just what am I supposed to do?

Hey you,

If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street..

So I'm not moving, I'm not moving.

10-16-15

Thank God it's Friday. NOT

2015-10-16T16:45:00.001+08:00

Trick or Treat at Washington International School 2015

Sofia the First was the only choice since the announcement for the event was only sent out yesterday afternoon. Pssshh.. We wanted a Maleficent costume pa naman. 😒

I grudgingly dragged myself to Zya's school and at 7AM, I looked a lot more like a zombie than the scary costumes of the kids. I only had 2 hours or less of sleep. Worse, I cried myself to sleep last night. My eyes were puffy, swollen, sunken. My hair was wet and crazy all over. My aura was hellish. I was a walking disaster. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror! I couldn't even take a decent selfie because I JUST CAN'T SMILE.

Damn heartaches.

10.16.15