Priceless perfection

Mommy guilt of two.

2024-11-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

From my drafts;

I don't have guilt in the sense that I feel over whelmed with two kids and can't handle it at times, because sometimes it gets a little tiring but its because I am human. Although at times I struggle to balance life with my girls thats not my guilt. My guilt is that I did so much with my first born and feel bad trying to catch up with my second. I pride my self in the ability to be able to be a well balanced mother of two. what do for one I do for the other. ALWAYS. I like to take the time individually for both for some mommy and me alone time swell as the three of us. However my girls both have journals I have been writing for them during my pregnancy and their little lives going on but Isla's is a little more decorative. I try so hard to keep up with it, but at times it seems to fall short. I just want my girls to know that they don't need to judge my love, attention on what I do for either but simply for the memories they can remember.

I have read so much that I am not the only one who feels way, I find a little comfort but I just want to feel as though I do my best. my goal is to be sure that both my girls feel loved... evenly. I love each one of who they are individually. never one more than the other.
Just a little something that I want to share.

Isla

I love the way you are such a sweet heart. I love that you are so caring and always so in tuned to others emotions.

I love the spirit you have

I love that you are such a girly girl

I love that you can offer so much with just your smile.

I love that you are so creative.

I love the way you have a way are so intential with your feelings and consideration

Ezra

I love the way you are set in our little ways. in the beginning it was hard for mommy to get over because as a newborn you knew what you wanted and there is no denying. That characteristic made you such an individual born to stand out.

I love the way you are so whitty.

I love that you have such a sense of adventure always

I love that you are strong.

I love that you are unapologetically you

I love that you are so blunt

Isla

2017-11-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

YOU amaze me. there is so much to say, so many emotions and feelings that go through my mind when I think about you and the stage that you are in. You are my 7 year old. My first grader. My smart little cookie. You have no idea just how proud you make me, I get flooded with so many emotions when I see you thriving and when I get compliments on your character. That is often too. I have been praised for the way that you are and the kid that you are. I love how bright you are and the way you are your own little person. No matter what you stay true to your self. you are so ahead of your years(appropriately) for example I can talk to you and explain my reasons for things and situations and you ask me questions and you just get it. I had a conversation with your teacher today and she was so bummed to be loosing you. I could genuinely see her reaction when I confirmed what you had shared with her that day. We are moving home(California) for a year while daddy is Korea for the army. We talked about how you cary yourself and how you are such a pleasure and how bright you are. How she trust you to do the right thing. I love hearing all about you. I love to see that all my hard work as a parent has really paid off so far. They can see the time we have invested by the way it reflects in you. you got your first report card in first grade and there was nothing below a 93, and you received all E (excellent) Keep on my sweet girl. keep asking me questions when you are curious, Burry your face in books and even when I don't know the answer I will do my best to answer you. I love that you want me around you all the time, I love that even though you are so independent you still want and need me. You love it when I walk you to class, I asked you if you want me to drop you off at the gate and you said nope walk with me, you hold my hand and I told you as long as you want me to walk you and aren't embarrassed to be with your "mom" I will walk with you always!

a couple of days ago you got this cute little picture a classmate made for you (a boy) and you were so shy but you were so gracious and thanked him. you went home and made him a picture in return, I thought it was so sweet that you wanted to make him something. So today we came home after we had a play date after school and you asked to speak to me in my bedroom and we went and talked, you shared with me that you liked him. we talked about feeling and the way that at this stage its okay to have crushes but we don't need to throw around the "boyfriend". word for years and years down the road. lol. you shared that he came up to you in the playground and said he finds you interesting and whats to know more about you. A little too much "grown talk" for mommy but I turned it around and we decided thats it okay to play together with out titles and once in a while make pictures for each other. :))) you were fine with that saying you agreed. there was so much more to that and the way smoother class mates started singing the " kissing song" and making up things like that you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend. you set your classmate straight though and I love it. Want to know what I loved most of all that? THAT YOU CAME TO ME. you came to me and shared this with ME you have no idea what this means to me. I want you ALWAYS come to me when you have , thoughts, dilemmas,cocerns, anything! I will always be all EARS! always my darling little girl. Thank you for sharing your stories with me it means so much to me. YOU don't imagine just how happy it makes me. it so funny because you are so smart and strong minded in your ways, but yet you are our little scary cat. You can't even even see a gun on tv or a knife of blood, even though you know its not real. We have learned to help you through those emotions because you take things to heart so deeply when you are sad. you are so compassionate and so strong. Mommy and daddy will always be your biggest fan.

Random words

2017-04-19T13:15:00.001-07:00

There is something special about having children that I truly admire and Cherish. In the bath tub today with my youngest an unplanned little bonding moment I am thinking back on now that it's bed time and I am decompressing from my day. I love that I only know them this way. Asking her would rather this or that questions and seeing what she fires back with! No one else gets these moments like we do. I love that my children can be themselves Around me. I love that I am the only one that gets repaid with these smiles and random words and silly dance moves. I love that they can fully be themselves. That they are comfortable enough to be who they really are and not who we try to Teach them to be in "public" the way we have to censor them sometimes out in public. Even as adults. For example I love that I can be my true self around my husband and I know he will still love me. When in public I have to act like a a good well behaved grown up. There is something to be said about a child's mind. I am learning through my daughters day to day actions that I love that they reserve all those moments for me. We offer them a sense of security where their little walls come down and they are themselves. Where they can be goofy and make some inappropriate sounds from their bodies and we all just giggle. Like the saying goes " home is where they have to let you in" so true! They way these girls are at home you know for sure they would be a little shy and embarrassed to act this way in front for their friends In fear of being "uncool" not at home! I love it! It's their little personality it's what their character is made from. I want them to carry them self as society standards expects but be able to hold on to that inner child even in their grown years.

My girls

2017-03-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ezra:

This girl 😍 is getting so big on me and has gotten so much more affectionate! Always Been with me but lately it's intense! " mommy I love you so much" and "you are then best mom ever" I soak it all up! I love her with so much passion it's insane! I think I get like this more so because I know (or hope 😉) she is our last baby! She brightens up my life more than I could have imagined! I am constantly craving to grab her and just pull her in to me and kiss her and hold her. Just touch her little face. My heart melts, like literally melts I feel my self puddle around her as I takin all the love I feel when we hold. I never could have ever imagined such a love. My girls mean the world to me. To think I questioned how I could love two with the same passion. You don't love them the same, you love them differently but with the same strength. I love each of them for the way they are. I love them both to the way they need the love. Ezra my little strong willed little girls who usually likes to come around on her own time has taught me so much patience and has given me such an appreciation for lessons learned! Ezra has always been one to know what she wants and go after what she wants at her own speed. I truly hope that this trait follows her in her life. I love that she is so strong and so sure of her self.

Isla:

My sweet girl. I love the way that she is her own little person but loves to follow the rules. She craves direction and guidance. I love the way she is growing in to her self and finding out what her little personality can get her. She is so artistic and creative. Isla literally lights up my world with her little face. One of my favorite things to do is while I am driving I look in my rear mirror and see her little face and I just admire all the little details of her face. My heart explodes for her. I love the little person she is growing in to. Such a pleasant little girl. I often get so many compliments on how smart and sweet she is. It just oozes out of her and I love how it's just so contagious. We get such great notes from her teacher. Her last teacher parent conference I was literally brought to tears in the car after I left. I was recollecting out meeting and sharing with my husband the details and I was tearing up at how proud she makes me. Her teacher paid her the ultimate compliment. She told me that she only would hope that her OWN children would treat their teacher with respect and be as good of a student as my isla is for her. I think that's a huge compliment coming from someone who spend so much time with my child and works on enlightening the little minds of her other students. We work hard to let her know how proud she makes us and just how much she enriches our world. I constantly tell her how she makes me proud. Building her up so that she can grow with confidence.

In my life I have accomplished some pretty amazing things meeting my husband for one, everything good in my life are because of him. I feel so happy in my life that at times you have to wonder how it could get better, then every new day I see my little family and my heart just smiles!

clone

2015-03-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

and i was just the host i felt like i had a better picture example of this but its obvious she looks like him in any of these, but whe you see the two together she looks nothing like mama and ALL like daddy! Lucky him!

We made a beautiful baby and i am glad she looks like him. I definitely feel as though i added some softness to her! I'M IN THERE SOMEWHERE!!!!

I do love the way I look at her and I can see her daddy. its so beautiful the way genetics work and I love that we created her in love and together. maybe the next one will look like me... a little. :)

My first born

2014-10-29T09:08:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday princess!

Wow! 4 years ago on September 26th you gave me the privilege of becoming your mommy. I can't Believe you are 4 now. Daddy just got back from his training and we were still in California about to embark on our trip to our new home for the next 4 years in Texas. None the less we wanted to do something special for you and asked you what you wanted to do for your special day and you wanted to go to the aquarium of the pacific so for the second year in a row. The weekend before was the Santa Barbara zoo. We wanted to make it so special for you. So off we went on a "birthday surprise" you had no idea what we had planned for you, may be the last year we can actually pull off a little surprise for you. We decided to take you solo just mommy and daddy and Isla date. We fully enjoyed you. So did you. We decided to surprise you with your cousin Eden joining us. You were so excited and so extreamly surprised at it all. After a fun filled aquarium trip we were on our way to gramas house where she had a little birthday planned for you. Frozen theme of course. All your little friends were There to celebrate with you and send you off to your new journey. We had such a blast and at the end of the day I had one of those moments where I realize that you were getting to be a big girl and that you were quickly outgrowing me. Made that clear when I carried you in after you fell asleep in the car and I had to carry you in since daddy was taking in your presents and your little sister. I carried you in and your legs hung off me in a way that made me see how much you have really grown. I love you so much and I don't want you to grow any more. I wish for time to stand still and let me take in all your cuteness and sassy quirky responds. I thank god for you everyday. I watch you as you sleep and your beautiful profile sucks me in and clarifies to me why I am so thankful. We have a connection that I have never had with anyone before not only because you are my daughter but because we're the reasn I became a mother and for that I am thankful. I love you little lady. I am so proud of the little sassy, smart,compassionate, little soft

being you are. Stay that way my love

Life lately

2014-10-28T16:39:00.003-07:00

According to "our iPhones" the husbands and mine :) thank you iPhone for sorting them in date order for me. Technology is great!

In good ol' California

First stop palms springs

Into Arizona we gooooo

Texas here we come

Life is pretty grand right now.

Happy HAPPY birthday BABY

2014-10-28T16:39:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that a whole year has gone by and we are now here to the day you came in to this world and made our little family feel complete.i remember being pregnant with you and thinking about life with two and never really understanding how fast my heart would grow to be filled with so much love for you.

Ezra OH Ezra you are a specimen of uniqueness! Mommy and daddy love you so much and he strong little personality you have shown us you are. You beat at your own drum and we all have to follow suit. We accept the challenge that is you. From the beginning you showed us who the boss is which is why you my little one hold the nickname "the boss" you came into this world October 22nd and completed our whole family. You made us a family of 4 made us feel like you completed us. From the beginning you you hit and exceeded your milestones with so much sass. You are so unique and we love that about you.

You are walking and constantly "talking" we love you so much baby girl life will never be the same now that you have blessed us with your light. I look forward to see what is in store for us and watch you and your sister grow together and continue your sister bond. I especially enjoying hearing you guys go at it already and she how strong you are. We joke that you will be bulling your older sister around. "Though she be but little she is fierce" - William Shakespeare

We adore you Ezra Rae Benavidez I only pray that the lord give us a life time filled with so much joy and health for you.

Happy Birthday my little girl.

The road to you

2014-06-30T02:34:00.001-07:00

I am at the airport killing time before my flight back to our babies and I am going over my last few days and wow! It was what I needed, a beautiful memory I now take with me and remenance on. When I made the arrangements to see you all I could do was think about seeing your face after 3 long months apart. In our 9 years together we have only been apart 1 week. This was my first big girl trip. Here I am 28 years old and although I have traveled before,twice in fact to the state I was going to I never have done it alone. So here I was. Flight check. Car check. Hotel check. I was on my way to you. My heart lead the way let me tell you. So day of my trip was relatively early. Girls were in bed asleep as it was almost 5 in the morning. I got to lax and immediately got anxiety because I knew two things that plane was taking me to you and both taking me away from our babies as well. My heart was prepared though I needed to see YOU to reconnect with my soulmate. The first part of my trip was so smooth. I landed in to Dallas and boy I boy it all began. We are spoiled coming from California this I know but not expecting the weather to play such a key role in all this is amateur. I mean you have told me all along that I should expect anything and everything as far as weather goes. Well I make it in and about to get on the "skyline" in Dallas airport to go to the gate for my connecting flight and it all is good then all of a sudden the voice over the speakers says all must exit and continue on foot to your gates due I the weather. What?!?! Apparently Dallas had not had any rain and was in a drought but on this day it came down grounding all flights!!! I was already at my terminal and I get a call from my airline telling me iv been put on a flight that would leave the following day nearly 24 hours later!!!! Making me miss your family day I sooooo looked forward to since the day you left. There was absolutely No way! So I couldn't do a Stand by since it was fully booked already! Noooooo. So I get on my phone and map out Dallas TX to Lawton OK And it was about a 3 hour drive. I'll book a car to my next car reservation. So that I did. only to decide to forget all that keep my car rental from Dallas airport. I got a car and got on my way after I had to wait a whole hour before I was reunited with my luggage.so silly to me that my bags would fly as scheduled to my next location but I couldn't. Thanks AA. It's okay though because along the way I met some kind folks who were on their way to Fort sill for their son and boyfriends basic graduation as I was. The cooler part the other soldier was in your exact platoon. So I didn't feel alone. Being from California and being around only freeways all these interstates and roads confuse the H out me. So I mapped it and well of course apple app got me lost! I drove around different ways only to end up the same place but taking all different routes. I finally pulled over and walked in to the closest anything i found. Subway! A gentle man and his older sons were experiencing some sort of trouble processing their order and I walked in literally saying "help I'm lost" and they gave me all their attention. God bless them they had me download google maps and just decided to have me follow them and they literally led me to the interstate and exited as soon as they could. It was out of their way and let me tell you I am beyond thankful to them. That whole thing you hear about them saying in Dallas they are so kind well I can definitely say this true first hand. So thank you kind gentle men. I seriously appreciate that you helped out a lady in distress. :) lol. So I finally made it to where I needed to be and a whole 2 hours and 43 minute drive ahead of me all was well and I was taking in the view with my google maps app going leading me closer and closer to the love of my life. Straight shot I tell ya! Passed a toll road and then my phone announced me my phone was dying and I was in the middle of no were not knowing my next move after the last direction. I had no idea how to get to my hotel. I kept driving thinking I'll have to pull over at a gas station in the middle of no where at 9 pm and ask for a quick charge or maybe directions. Well I was worried and all of a sudden my sign from god I look to my right and as you see on these empty roads announcing gas stations, lodging, my hotel had a sign with the last directions needed to get me to the hotel. (Thank you my lord you are good) I check in and I am safe. Ready to take on my refund and cancelations of flight and car. In the phone for a couple hours sorting out the remainder of my trip since I wanted nothing in my way. All worked out and I got to be on time to my husbands military family day celebration and graduation. These last 4 days with you were magical. Just what I needed. To touch you and see your handsome face felt so surreal to me. I was with you and I felt like my self again. I felt empty until I was finally with you in your arms. Kissing you and just feeling you. Like I have told you numerous times before, our babies are my whole world but YOU are my heart. When I am with you I am complete. YOU make me ME. With this distance we just faced it let us know that we did not miss a beat. It's still just you and I. I am madly in love with you and you are so in love with me and I feel it in the way we connect. I couldn't stop smiling all weekend. I was on cloud nine on a high that I don't ever want to come down. And all I need is you to feel that high. You have made me so proud to see you be a better version of the wonderful man you already were. You are you and I love that. Your comrades expressed them selfs about you in a way that made me so proud to be your wife. Being in the whole military way of life was really insightful and gave me a great glimpse of the way life will be once we are all together and in the new life we will be sharing. Thank you again my love for giving me the gift of being a stay at home mommy and raising our beautiful baby girls. And I salute you soldier thank you for your sacrifices and for serving out country. My pride is through the roof and because of you I appreciate all these service men and woman who serve to protect our freedom.

So thank you soldiers I salute you.

Ps: that whole thing about a man in uniform... Oooooh my my... soldier you do it to me prvt.

Dear Frankie

2014-04-29T15:13:00.001-07:00

I heard your ringtone at about 5:24 pm my time and instantly I couldn't believe it. My stomach started to tickle and I answered my phone and I heard your voice! Oh my god what a tease! You had bad cell service but it was enough to give me butterflies. At least I heard your voice and heard you tell me you were okay and that you missed us and love us. One minute is all I got but it made my week. That same morning after I made the bed I sprayed your cologne on my pillow. So random that when you called I was watching fireproof that couples Christian movie and my phone rings. I took it as a sign from god giving me hope and letting me know all is alright. Let's just say that night I had a good stretch of sleep since Ezra still wakes in the middle of the night 3 times but those 4 hours of sleep felt amazing all because I could smell you on the pillow that I was hugging. I miss you more than words can describe. I'm lonely without you. Your letters have gotten me through a little I just can't wait until I can write you.

The girls love you do much and are missing you too. Here are some pictures of our week.

Our visit with cousin Eden :)

I finally got to go to ikea and this is what Ezra thought of it :)

At her 6 month check up :)

This was the week ending on 20140426 :) getting some military training my self. Iv been reading a book called "married to the military" to try and gather some insight on our new life. I'm trying papa.

I life you and I miss you!

Happy half a year to our little Ezra

2014-04-25T16:21:00.001-07:00

Ezra Ezra Ezra...

You are growing so fast and I just can't believe that you are six months old now that we have been blessed to have you half a year!

You are weighing 14.11 pounds and are 26.8 inches tall and that puts you in the 88th percentile you are growing so beautifully. You are still in size 2 diapers and wearing 6-9 month clothes.

You are really teething now. You have been so drooly and now more than before. I think I can almost see something on your bottom right side of your gums. Maybe. It so neat!

We started solids last week with cereal and you hate it! I have been doing cereal everyday as we keep practicing but you just won't budge. So we moved on sweet potato and nothing. Oh well I'll keep at it. Ezra you are such a strong willed little girl. You do things at your own time. Six months and you have yet to sleep through the night, makes for one tired mama. You go down at 8 and need a bottle at 12:30, 3:30, 7 am.

You love to be in the know, which means a lot of baby wearing and a lot of entertaining you.

Daddy is your favorite person. It's so adorable to see you two together.

You are very demanding which is you have earned the title of "the boss" it's so cute to hear Isla call uy the boss. She yells "mom the boss is awake" lol. If Ezra not having it NOONE is.

Daddy and I have come to the conclusion that you will just be a stern little strong minded little thing.

You have been sitting up on your own since 5 months.

You love to yell

And babble but mostly yell.

When you want attention boy do you let us know. So impatient the way you yell for us to pick you up or do what you want.

We love you so much little girl you have the most adorable little dimples when you smile and your laugh is the most contagious thing. AND your sneezes oh my goodness a Benavidez for sure. You literally warm up before a sneeze "Aaaaaaah cho" it's my favorite sound you make.

You are very cuddly when I hold you, you love to lean in to me and snuggle your face in to me.

We are so blessed to have you in our life little lady. Please slow down and stay my baby for a long time.

Dear girls

2014-04-15T22:43:00.001-07:00

Hello Isla,

you are amazing let me just tell you. You continue to impress me with the way you have taken on being a big sister. I love you so much and there is nothing in this world that makes me more proud than to see the way you are at being a big sister helper. You make my world so much better. My sweet sensitive girl.

Hello Ezra,

Mommy is so proud of you. You have mastered sitting so well on your own and I am your biggest fan. You are so special. The way you have such a big personality in such a tiny little body gets me every time. You are so driven and so set in your own ways already. A girl that knows what she wants and gets it. Granted it's only for the time being since you usually want a bottle or my attention. Totally do able but let's look back in your teen years and see how I feel about that. :) I love you my little Ezra.

Dear frankie

2014-04-15T22:13:00.001-07:00

Week one:

I'm sitting on the couch and the house is quiet, girls were in bed at the same time. Call it a fluke but it happened. I a missing you like crazy even more right now as I watch house hunters on HGTV I miss your input and the way we go back n fourth on our opinions. So this week I can't believe it's been a whole 5 days without you :( but Like usual we went to the library but this trip it was kind of special other than having late fees because well we skipped a couple story times because the girls were sick and I completely forgot that their are due at a certain date but any whoooooo... It was special because little miss boss was awake and wanting to mingle so I had her on my lap Isla took a spot on the rug and Ezra was going for the carpet because she was attracted to the pattern and well she sat up most of the time alone and very attentive to the story. Isla asked to hold her and then I captured this

A surreal moment because Ezra is growing. She sat on her own for sometime so it was so neat to see. Also sad because you are going to miss some milestones. After story time I decided to take isla to rocket fizz. Oh my gosh she was thrilled saying "mommy mommy it's like a real candy shop" soooo adorable.

Needless to say she was everywhere :)

Here are some random shots so far

Ezra totally looks like Isla here right?!? :)

Took Isla to the club house and that like always is a hit she made a new friend and let me know it. Grabbing the little girls hand yelling " look mom my new best friend" but I thought I was her BFF!

Taking a break to draw her new BFF a picture. Awwwww. The boss had fun too

As she watched all little kids run around Ezra was screeching and squealing and kicking her little feet. Can you picture that?!?! :)

Her first time sitting big girl at target with mommy and Grama for a final Easter target run. Her face tells it all im AMAZEMENT at all the views. Last almost the whole trip until the boss got hungry. Needless to say 2 hour nap came of this.

Ps: did you spot isla?

Today is Easter and it means it's officially a whole week with out you. I have to admit today was not easy. Actually it was really hard on me. Cried more than a couple times. I just miss you so much it's frustrating. I can't live without you. I need strength to get through this papa but I just can't muster it. I can't help it. Your my everything. I did keep a happy face all day for Isla because she has randomly caught me in the act and tells me oh mommy stop crying I miss daddy too. So sad I don't want her to see me weak. I just can't help it. If only I could see your face or hear your voice. I just hate that I don't know what your doing or how you are. From communicating all day to cold turkey nothing!!! Anyway Im Crying now so I'll move on. Here are pictures from today and some from the rest of the week.

Easter bunny stopped by and left some tracks. So cute and innocent her reaction this morning.

We spent Easter with her cousin jasmine at their new place. The girls enjoyed their little hunt. So that was our week papa. I miss you and I love you.

Why i am NOT against Pacifiers

2014-03-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

There are the parents are against pacifiers and some that are for. I am FOR. i remember when i was pregnant with isla reading somewhere about SIDS and how babies often "forget to breath" and which is why they fall in to that state of sleep and don't wake up... This was always the scary thing to me and it continues to scare me. I have seen when isla is sleeping she will be sucking on her paci and all of sudden stop,then she will realize that the paci has slipped her lips and she imminently will suck it back up therefore keep her breathing.between co sleeping and the Paci I pray we can have a little security. i do how ever will be taking this away from my little cutie as soon as she goes in the big girl potty! thats always been my rule and my mentality. Its your own little timeline that I am hoping we can stick to.

I have to admit I love the way I can look through my camera roll and in the pictures we take of her the Paci makes an appearance 87% of the time. its her little signature look.

She is so particular however to the ones she uses as you can see thats her type she won't take any other. that Paci looked do cute in her little mouth framing her little face pretty much consuming her whole little 5 pound 6oz little face when she was born.

Dear frankie

2014-03-25T12:30:00.001-07:00

Hello my husband

It is my first night with out you.(4/13/2014) My chest is tight and I feel very down. What gets me through is I am able to talk to you for now and you say the right things to make me catch my breath. its going to be a challenge everyday for me since you are very much a part of me. Your my other half and we have not been apart longer than a week in our almost 9 years. It's going to be a test for us. I know that we will get through this and continue to be strong and united as we always have been. The longest 6 months of my life for sure, but I am your lioness and I am going to be strong for you and our girls.Since you departed I decided that I would write you and share memories that I have captured in your absence. Little moments and things they have done and said and pictures. We miss you so much and love you.cant tell you how proud I am of you and thank you for making sacrifices and giving me the gift of being my provider so I can stay home with our girls. There is Light at the end of the tunnel and a finish line I can't wait to cross to give you all the kisses and holds I've been wanting to give you. Life is better with you and makes my heart happy to know we have a lifetime of eachother ahead of us.

I LIFE you my soldier.

Mommy guilt

2014-03-23T23:21:00.001-07:00

I have some days where I am laying and bed and I feel guilty. I feel guilty I didn't get cuddles, or feel like I didn't give either Isla, or Ezra extra or enough love. I know they say it is completely normal for the first born to act out because of their new sibling but I just feel like it's more than that. We changed her (isla's) world by adding a new little member to our family and although we did our best to make her feel apart of the whole pregnancy and explaining to her all about her new role as a big sister I still feel like she gets left out. I have guilt that some days I am so exhausted and I just go about my day like a robot getting things just done. I don't take the extra time to do an activity with Isla. Ezra has been so diffrent and very needy I feel like I leave Isla out. There are times where Isla ask me to play with her and I just can't because Ezra needs something, or even if Ezra is asleep i might have something I need to do house wise or even personal wise and i don't take the time. When will this mommy guilt go away. I feel as though I can't do enough to keep each member happy and in the mix have a functional home or even make an ounce of time for my self. I feel selfish when I want to watch a netflix show while Ezra naps and Isla plays in the living room. Granted I am cleaning our bedroom or putting away a load of laundry as I am trying to watch a show, but this is time I could just STOP and go play doll house with Isla. I have yet to find the in between where I can keep sane and give Isla the attention she needs. Isla was so used to having me all to her self and I was so used to the simplicity of one child. I rocked,I had it down pat. Now I feel like at the end of the day once it's Islas bed time I am able to relax and take some time to our selves maybe watch a movie with my husband in bed before Islas 12:30 feeding but the problem there is I don't make it through the first half hour of the movie there fore neglecting my husband. I often compare my self to some mamas I follow on Instagram and wonder how I can't seem to keep a happy home in my situation but here these woman work,are full time mamas, maintain a home and STILL do activities with their children and did I mention have dinner ready for their spouses. How do they do it??? I lay in bed "trying" to catch up on some of my reading and end up scrambling my brain as to how I can keep everyone happy. I grab Isla and will cuddle her as she sleeps and give her the love I wish I could show her more of during the day, that one on one time. Don't get me wrong I make sure to make time for some mommy and me alone time so my girl can feel special but this guilt kills me. Finding the balance is something I am sure will just come and routine our lives to ensure a smooth transition. Isla just be patient with mommy the way I know you are. You are my sweet sweet girl and you are never far from my mind and my intentions.

Middle of the night...

2014-03-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

Your little body pressed up against me and I am inspired. Feeling your heart beat and the way you in twine your little body in mine. We lay wrapped up in each other after you made your way into Mommy's and daddy's bed early in the morning. Earlier than you usually wake up. You are in my arms and you whisper to me " thank you mommy" a little pause and I ask you "for what?" You respond for "hugging me in cuddles" you will never know what these little moments mean to me Isla. Your little voice makes me smile. I am still in awe of you and how you are growing into this little girl that I can't live without. I love how you are always after me to hold you and kiss you. Randomly through out our day coming up to me telling me " mommy kiss me" it just makes my day.

Dear Isla, thank you for making my day brighter every day in your own way. I look forward to what the day has in store for is daily and the new little thing you do and say. You are so bright and it's so amazing to see your daily development. You are currently in gymnastics and loving your weekly sessions right now daddy is taking you to them like a daddy and Isla bonding time. Daddy will be leaving us soon come April for work and it's going to be so hard on all of us so you are going to have to help mommy and brighten and make me smile, like you do. We will get through it. So for now that's what you and daddy are up to and park visits and walks too of course. With mommy you spend a lot of time. We play and read and we go to our weekly library story time and craft time visits. We go to the mall and do our little routine of playing in the kid zone and then we have lunch followed by a visit to the Disney store topped off with a visit to see's candy for our free sample :) you insist on this routine every time. We have play dates And go on our little mommy Isla dates. You are really into playing pretend lately and dressing up. I enjoy watching you play with your babies and dolls and just hear your little imagination role play. It's so silly to hear you tell your babies things mommy tells you. For example we have been working on having you listen and follow directions before jumping in to the activity. So mommy is saying to you " listen to my words" and I can hear you scold your doll and repeat mommy's words so silly. Therefor reminding us that we need to watch what we say closely because mommy can have a potty mouth. Sometimes but around you I am very very careful. It's funny to hear you repeat some of the things us adults say. Daddy and mommy love to call out who you got what from. Like you hear grama say " let's go move it move it move" and you will choose to plug that in when we are running late and you see I am frantic checking off our list. I can't help but chuckle at the way you so casually throw quotes out at us. Your newest thing is I tell you I love you a lot,and you say I love you a little because you are little not fat lol. I also tell you I love you forever and you say I love you for always. Just so sweet. I love your little personality. Anyone that comes around you can't help but be drawn in by you. You are definitely a dynamic personality and you are a leader for sure. I love these things about you.

You definitely make our world so bright and exciting each day. You make us laugh even when you don't know you do. Especially after Witty comments that we don't necessarily approve of but find entertaining. Keep being your colorful self. I love you forever.

A sunset forever captured

2014-03-13T06:43:00.001-07:00

These California sunset may be numbered for our little family...

I love the way my life has beautifully changed. I'm having one of those moments where I am staring at a picture from today and realize "wow my life is so different" not in a bad way at all but in a lovely way. I am not saying at all that it's not right where I wanted it. It brings back the age ol question "where do you see your self 5 years from now, or even 10 years from now" well I'll have to get back to you on the 10 years in the year 2022 because I did something cheesy and wrote my self a letter to be opened 10 years after I turned 25 to see how life has changed since then. I can't recall for the life of me what I wrote so I guess the anticipation game starts now. Kinda neat I should say. Back to a moment caught forever in a picture, particularly the one with both my girls. "My girls" I love saying that. I have two beautiful little beings who call me mommy or one that does and the other can't talk yet... Being she is 4 months old yet all her squeals, excited yells are just as sweet. none the less I am excited for the day I hear that word come out of Ezra's mouth. The way when isla called me "mama" for the first time. My heart literally skipped a beat and there were tears involved, happy tears of course. I still can't believe I am blessed to have them. I have plural now kid's not just a kid. How my life has changed is beyond enticing. I love waking up to my husband every day. He is my best friend, my soul mate. He makes this whole married thing you think about when you are young so wonderful. How this man loves me first thing in the morning in my unattractive state and tells me I am beautiful. He never fails to complement me at least once a day. Makes me think that although growing up is hard to do it is so worth it since the benefits are beyond rewarding and make life so worth it. Sort of like having children and going through the whole no sleep thing as newborns and later in life their little tantrums and other issues they may face as they grow. Makes this all that much more worth it.The best thing is that I get to go through life with my best friend raising our creations. It's so nuts to think that my husband and I made these little girls. They belong to us. Half of me and Half of him.They are the reason I breath, they are my purpose in life. My husband and my daughters are my everything. Without knowing and just going with it the husband suggested to go to the beach and watch the sunset and of course like always I was more than willing to rush out the door at 7:00 pm just to beat the sunset at 7:42 that day. Blessed to live where we live and have the ability to do so. There is a calming feeling when we are at the beach I feel in tuned, must be the Aquarius in me. Now we get to admire these pictures and be taken back to that moment. That moment in where I think to my self this is what life is about, this is where I see my self 5 years from now. 10 years,20years,60 years. Surrounded by them and their lives god willing. I am right where I want to be and I am more than accepting and blessed where my life has taken me. I have a hard job. I love my job. I am a mommy and wife and I am damn good at it. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. Counting my blessings. I got three right here next to me.

Hard to believe

2013-11-29T14:38:00.001-08:00

It's been 5 months since Isla became a big sister.

It's been 5 months since Ezra came In to this world and made our little family complete.

It's been 5 months since we became parents of two beautiful and healthy little girls.

Amazing to think that my husband and i will be celebrating 9 years this April. How it all began back In 2005 and we are here now. How our simple carefree lives have changed. It was an adjustment going from just selfishly living just us two to the three of us and now the four of us. Life is a blessing. We created these little humans and now are in charge of their little lives. We are their providers, their caregivers, their voice, their memory makers and captures. It's amazing to be a mother. I always knew I wanted children but was in no rush to achieve that. I say achieve because to me my babies are my biggest achievement. Amazing to think back when I found out we were pregnant five years in to our relationship and how it just seemed to be something that we both accepted because well we were in Iove and we didn't do anything to prevent it. The best decision we have ever made was to become a family and unite our lives forever in holy matrimony. I can't imagine my life any other way. I am where i want to be and with who I want to Share my life. In less than a month now I will have to face the biggest "real" challenge i have ever had to face in our relationship. My husband decided to join the force and give our family a chance at achivieving greater. I know that this decision came late in his life and it was a hard one at that. After going through out turbulances we decided that this was the best for us. I say we because we are a unit,but in reality it was my husband who decided To make this happen. For several personal reasons the most important one was to allow me to stay home and raise my babies. I will forever be thankful for his sacrifice. Funny how time has a way of changing our paths and how I see our life changed. I am faced with like I said the biggest challenge that I have ever faced, that is being away from my husband for over 5 months. In our 9 years of courtship we have probably spent no more than two months combined not consecutively. One night here one night there type of deal. We have been unseperable from the beginning. I mean it. It feels like I can't breath without him. Like I can't sleep or think without him. He is my soul my partner in life. Even when we went through a hard time three years in to our relationship is nothing compared to what we are facing now. He is my rock. He is my best friend. He is my relief at the end of a hard day. I don't know how I will be with out him. I know it will be hard and that we will go crazy with out eachother but it will be worth it. We have to stay strong for our little family and just push through because it is only temporary. I know I will keep my self busy with my girls and this time away will go by fast. Staying strong for my soldier and trying to comfort him once we are able to communicate again. So much can change in 5 months and it's the reality we are faced with, I want to document for him the time away from his girls so he feels as though he was never gone. Good thing is Ezra is young enough to not remember this time away and Isla is old enough to understand yet maybe forget that daddy was away from us. I don't want them to remember that part. I don't want to remember that part. It's not going to be easy but I know life will go on and I need to be strong for him and hold on my end of the deal and be his "lioness" I can't wait for October. I want to make sure that I update our blog so that the girls can have a time capsule and able to look back at our life as well as document our family journey.

Dear Ezra

2013-11-03T00:30:00.001-07:00

You are 10 days new...

What an amazing 10 days it has been. I still can't believe I am a mama of two beautiful little human beings. You came In to our family and fit right in. I'll admit I was so nervous as to how things would play out but have only been pleasantly surprised to find out that it feels so complete now that you are here with us now. Life feels so surreal. I look at your little features and I am in awe of you. Mommy loves you so much it was love at first sight as I knew it would be. My love just grows for you daily. So amazing how your heart just expands and suddenly you realize that you my little Ezra was the missing piece. You came In to this world October 22,2013 at 3:34 pm. Weighing in at 6 pounds 7 ounces and 20 3/4 long! And a head full of hair! Such amazing feeling to know you are finally here with us. You came two weeks early and we were already so eager to meet you. Our start at home was a little rough but not anything because of you, but unfortunately because your sister caught the flu and was sick with a fever of 102 when we brought you home. Mommy and daddy had to keep you both seperated for the first three days. The good thing was that your sister Isla was already at the end of it. Killed me to be at the hospital having you and knowing your sister was so sick and wanted mommy. So there we were sanitizing EVERYTHING constantly and using Lysol all over the house and we succeeded because you didn't catch the bug, now daddy on the other hand poor guy did. Our rough start only made us realize that after that was all over with we got this whole two babies thing down! We survived! :)

A little about you pretty baby is that you just like your sister are perfect! Everything at the hospital was smooth sailing and once home you continued to impress us. You certainly are an eater. Daddy says that you are your sister but enhanced. Isla was such a perfect baby and you are just that. You eat so well, sleep so well and NEVER cry. You are a little grunter which we find absolutely adorable. When you are waking for a meal you do these cute little grunts and it lets me know you are stearing up for a feeding and we get you fed and changed so happily. I look forward to seeing your little face for your feedings. We are all so very in love with you. You are thriving so well at your post birth visit 4 days after you gained a pound! So cute my little chubby cheeks. :) god is wonderful and has blessed us yet again, you are my little borrowed angel. We love you so much and I just can't wait to make memories for you and your sister. Life is good.

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you figured out why"- Mark Twain

Hello Fall

2013-10-04T10:28:00.001-07:00

I can't believe that it's October and even more so I can't believe that I haven't posted in over 5 months! Yikes. Life.

So much going on and so much anticipation in this month! New baby should make her arrival soon and we are so ready for her! Big sister is prepared and so excited for new role she is taking. Knowing the two most important rules 1. No touching babies head. 2. Only hold sister when a grown up helps you hold her. She has this down! You ask her the rules and she claims the above. I just hope she transitions well and mommy and daddy will make sure of it! It's what has me loosing sleep at night just thinking about isla and how I have to leave her to go to hospital. We will cross that bridge when we get there Dayana!!!

It's all I keep saying to my self.

So I'm currently term. 37 weeks and 3 days preggo! Almost there! I am definitely feeling like I did with isla. Ready to reclaim my body and hold my accomplishment. Isla came at this mark but hang in just a little longer darling we have your sisters birthday celebration(first weekend after her birthday) this Sunday and pumpkin patch this Saturday! After this weekend it's fair game and you can make your appearance! We are so ready for baby BUT still have to pack hospital bag for hubby and I. Also Islas over night bag too for grandmas house. Breaks my heart I'll spend two days away from her. Okay I need to stop now or I'll start crying. Baby number two is doing wonderful and in position already so now we have I sit and like I said just wait...

Isla is potty trained and excelled earlier this summer, No accidents, dry over nights, and loved her big girl undies! Three! My daughter is three!!! I can't believe she is three! We enjoyed being able to watch her excitement this year for birthday from last. The anticipation of the upcoming day was so fun! We did a few birthday related activities and she just loved the lead up. On September 26 th she woke up to balloons on the walls and all around her, a birthday banner along with her birthday presents followed by a special breakfast. We also had prepared her telling her we were going to take her to a birthday surprise trip. Needless to say for the last couple days she was working us to try to get the surprise out of us. We didn't budge, we got in our car that morning and took off to Long beach to The Aquarium of the Pacific and boy was she surprised! She loved the trip! We came home to play with her new gifts from that morning and enjoyed an evening with her little cousins and pizza and cake! This weekend we plan on her little celebration with a few of her little friends. Can't wait for that.

So now we are in full on GO mode and anticipating the arrival of baby number two and this month not only kicks off the holiday season but our merry little family is about to be rocked! So I am trying to really focus on Isla and make her feel special and not feel any sort of rift, I know it it's only normal but she is very bright and so perceptive to feelings and I know she feels this baby coming because she is really testing us not super out of line but she pushes mommy so much more. I have also noticed that although my hold is a mamas girl she has times'ed that by 10. Like she won't let me out of her view. I love to see her follow me around but when I want her to play independently she asks me so sweetly " mommy watch me play" I can't resist!

So we take this on a day at a time and just wait it to see what comes next...

Enjoy fall!

Dear isla

2013-05-26T23:30:00.001-07:00

They say you enter this world alone(unless your a twin, not in this case though) :) although that is partially true I want you to know that you weren't alone, mommy and daddy have been and will continue to be by your side. You enter this world alone and you leave this world alone is what they say. Again you will never be alone. God willing when you have a lived a fulfilling and loooooooooooong beautiful life and you are an old lady, warm in your bed and god is calling on you once again you will be with us in heaven and not alone. Your whole life through mommy will be there when ever you need me and I will do my best to be there for you anytime you might need me. The reason for my post baby girl is because in 5 month you will become a big sister. We will changing your world and you are so little I don't want you to feel any difference, any changes. I want you to know that there will be no reason why I won't be able to comfort you when you need me. You are such a mommy's girl I love our connections and don't want you to feel left out or rebel against me. My heart hurts at the thought of leaving you already for the day I am at the hospital having your sibling. I hate when I am away from you. I will admit that I may struggle a little to get our routine going at first but don't worry, I will make sure that no matter what you won't be too affected. I promise you we will have our mommy and isla time just the two of us and I will always have time for you no matter what. What I am most excited about is that you you will gain a little companion. Being able to share your life with a sibling and make memories with your whole life through. We will make memories for you guys to remenese when you are older. I would love for you to share a strong bond and always have each others best interest at heart. Heaven forbid that mommy and daddy should pass away together or even at different stages I am at peace that in this big world you will have each other to go through life. To be able to know that whatever stage in life you are each in you will have one another to call upon. There is nothing more important than FAMILY. Remember family is forever! It's blood. So no mater what If I can bestow a lesson to you it will be that family comes first. I love you to the moon and back and I can't wait to see you in your new title of big sister. It will be something so beautiful to see. You are already such a little lover that I just know that you will make a wonderful sister. You are mommy's little helper. Already kissing mommy's belly and rubbing the belly. You are always thinking of your brother or sister. Always making sure at bedtime that you say good night to everyone and that includes baby! :) you melt my heart. So here we go little lady soon you will be a big sister and life will be filled with more memories!

I love you through and through!

Next chapter

2013-05-26T23:03:00.001-07:00

I'm a mama... Iv loved being a mommy for 2 years and 8 wonderful months. Now we Are welcoming the birth of our second baby this fall! I have to say I am excited but more than anything I am little nervous. Actually ALOT nervous. Iv read so many articles, books, blogs and what have you about how your heart just grows and you just do. I'm looking forward to my little family of 4 but I am scared. I have to share my heart my time with another little human. i know i can and i know i will be just fine. Becoming a mama the first was so natural. So easy and such a beautiful experience that I don't understand my apprehension. Life will be different but this baby is going to complete us I just know it. I know the instant I hold my baby and see their beautiful little face all my thoughts and my worries will be but a distant memory. I just love isla so much my heart hurts. I don't know how I will be able to make her feel no change I want to make this the easiest transition for her. Isla is my bigger concern I know that we will be able to handle that. I need to just enjoy my time with isla while its just the three of us and slowly we are introducing the idea of baby growing in mommy. And already she is a wonderful BIG sister. Constantly rubbing my baby bump and always wanting to cuddle my belly and saying little sweet things to baby in mommy's tummy. She gets it, she knows baby will be here after her birthday and I love that she is so excited. "Baby coming soon mommy?" "After my birthday?" So adorable right? I am so confident she will make a perfect big sister. I just know it. So just like that we made the decision to give her a little companion to grow with and to share memories. We were so on the fence a out another baby, we weren't against it but we just loved how our life was and felt so fulfilled that we thought isla would be enough for us. We would sit and talk and my husband and I decided she needed someone to grow up with, someone who would be there her life through. Be there for each other always. It's so important to have someone. Heaven forbid something were to happen to my husband and I at least they have each other. So we begin the next chapter and accept with open arms all the adventures and trials that will come our way raising two beautiful children.

Dear isla,

2013-01-31T01:48:00.001-08:00

I love it when You cradle my face in your little hands and capture my attention with those beautiful dark eyes of yours, any time something catches your attention! Saying to me " mommy what that? What the noise?" You melt my heart little girl! You do it so tenderly and yet over enthusiastically(is that even a word?) does that make sense? :) you get so happy learning about new sounds and what is out there, weather it be a motorcycle passing by or an airplane in the sky. You are so curios and I love how much you love to learn! Nothing gives me more pleasure then to stop right that moment and give you the answer to Your pending question. Simple things like that remind me of just how rewarding it is to be your mommy see my creation grow into this little being that makes life so worth the it! You give me purpose! I never existed until you. Daddy and you make my world go round. I hope you can appreciate this entry and know that mommy would love to know you continue to expand your horizon, I love you through and through little lady!

2013

2013-01-02T21:39:00.001-08:00

Dear Isla,
another year is upon us and i cant help but get emotional just thinking of how far we have come. These last two years with you have been heaven. I STILL look at you and cant beleive you are ours! i love you so much i dont know how life was before you and i dont miss any of it. you have brought me so much joy so much emotion in the little time iv known you and yet i love you that much i cant imagine life without you. These past few months since i stopped working iv cherished so much. I get to be with you every step of the day. I miss you when you are asleep! you are my little companion,my go to, my little girl,my all! i love all the time we share. I am bleseed to be able to see see your development and enjoy every smile and giggle along the way! You are amazing kid! I can have conversations with you now and it's awesome! I love when you say things and people ask me " what she say" when it's a little unclear, I love that I understand everything you say and get a little annoyed when they don't give you enough credit when you speak. Not that it's a big deal because its not but I always make sure to correct what they "think" you said with what you actually said. So you know that you did say it correct. It's little silly things like that I mean. Nonetheless you are my daughter and daddy seems to think you have my personality! His looks but mommy's "attitude" I'll take that! I love to watch you on the playground or your little classes we attend. My little social butterfly! My little lover, you make friends everywhere we go. Such a sweet and nice girl! I love when we go to a restaurant and we are done ordering and you say; " thank you much very much" so cute! Daddy and i like to ask you questions and hear your little input. For example we say we are going to your cousins house and mentioned we would stop to get you some French fries and you will say " fries first" "then Titi house( that's your aunts house you mean you call her titi instead of the traditional Tia) it's amazing how you understand the concept of order. You amaze me daily with the words you bput together and your actions. So if you didn't gather my drift on this lets just say you are a talker! Lately you have been a teeny tiny fussy but I blame those molars. They have you good! You want mommy so much more and I love it! We get you to use your words when you get frustrated with your teething and tell me " owie mouth" I hate that it hurts you but love that you can identify what hurts! You also tell me "mommy tummy hurts" I can tell when it hurts or your just hungry!I love that I know you so well! I love that you know me so well! When you do something your not supposed to and I scold you get upset at me and say "sorry mommy" and flash your big eyes at me. In recognition of what you have done. You currently are in the TWOS with the recent "mine" stage. Daddy hugs me you say " no daddy no my mommy" or with your toys you usually are a great sharer. We are hoping to rid you of this habit as quickly as it came! One thing for sure of this mine stage I love that I am yours. So many beautiful moments we have shared this year as we watch you grow in to your self and I can't help but wish for the hands on the clock to slow Down some. You are amazing in all that you do! I look forward to what is to come this year! May we be blessed with many many more New Years together! I love you through and through!