Prissy Little Missy

A Dynamic Couple

2009-09-12T23:04:00.001-07:00

A friend once told me that before a person could jump into a relationship, he or she must first complete him or herself as a person, and that he or she must never rely on his or her partner to complete him or herself.

To expound on this, before you get yourself involved in a relationship, you must first establish yourself fully as an individual, and not be dependent on your partner to complete you as a person. Think of you and your partner as two pillars, and your relationship as a plank that you both must support to create a strong, efficient and sturdy bridge. You and your partner as pillars must first individually build yourselves strong and sturdy. Pillars do not fill each other, instead, they complement each others' strengths. Hence, with two strong pillars, you both make a strong and long-lasting bridge.

There is an amazing "I/me" and there is an amazing "him" or "her". Put them together and you both make a super, phenomenal "us". Couples are teams of two super individuals. They work together to achieve great things as well as to keep their relationship strong. People do not complete people the way dentures fill the gaps of an old person's teeth. People join forces to make a dynamic couple.

Last Song Syndrome

2009-01-17T09:07:00.003-08:00

I have just received news that a former classmate of mine in high school passed away. My initial reaction was that of utter disbelief. I refused to swallow what I just heard. It happened so fast and too soon.

My first encounter with this magnificent woman was back in our freshman year. She was one of the new girls in the class. She seemed quiet and timid, and that was how I recognized her. That was all I could make out of her then. It was not until our senior year that she betrayed the extraordinary flair she secretly possessed. As timid as she seemed to be, she had skills that no one else could ever level to. She danced like a graceful tongue of fire on a candle stick; she played the piano ever so beautifully, it reduced me to tears. She disclosed a candid humor that brought everyone to the ground in tears, laughing.

Secretly, I had developed a tremendous sense of admiration for her. She held traits I wished I had myself. She manifested a height of confidence I could not reach. She was unafraid of the world. She loved and cared equitably.

It wounds me that I am unable to even have a glimpse of her. I am saddened by the vast physical distance that hinders me from seeing her. I wish I could just click my heels and magically appear right where she lies so I can be together with our fellow sisters and keep an eye on her.

And so the music stopped playing as the tape had reached its end; and yet it continues to ring in my head...

The Year of Dismantling

2008-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

If 2007 was my year of reconstruction, 2008 would be my year of dismantling. From what seemed like a better life and a better me, I suddenly found myself getting stripped and pulled to pieces... I was empty once again; as if my life was taken away from me -temporarily.

With each year that passed, we always lose something and leave things behind. However, in spite of these losses and harrowing sacrifices, we gain a substantial sum of erudition and blessings. Lindsay Lohan abdicated men but at least she's out of rehab. I left my high school, but I earned my diploma (and escaped the hypocrisy of the school admin). I lost a lover, but gained a best friend. I missed out on a bunch of summer parties, but I gained an ample sense of grace (thanks to YE). I chopped off all my hair and garnered more attention (pardon my cockiness, it's the sad truth :D). I moved hundreds of thousands of miles away from my best friends, but we garnered an even closer and stronger relationship. I lost the privilege of having maids, but I learned to be more independent. I lost my privilege of having a personal chauffeur, but I got my own car. I failed a number of tests, but I acquired a vast sense of responsibility, faith and even more adeptness. My life seemed to flow aimlessly, but I learned to be patient with myself, with time and with God.

The list goes on, as it would for everyone else. Just 24 hours from now, I will be stepping out of 2008 and into 2009, and I could never be more excited! This will be the year that I rebuild my entire life from a clean slate.

So cheers to us, for having survived a year of insanity and coming out in 2008, and for an awesome 2009 to come! May all of us be sober enough to find our way home alive (and intact) this evening. And when we wake, let's start 2009 by detoxifying with lots of water, green tea and cardio.

Freedom of Speech

2008-11-22T11:49:00.002-08:00

Whatever happened to that privilege that was endowed on us? In case you're arguing that 'nobody's hindering you from expressing yourself' -think again. Our society has limited our tongues from releasing certain extents of language and insights due to cultural, political, moral and religious reasons. If we must say something against them, we must say it deep underground.

They say that 'we must think before we speak/act.", and true enough, it is necessary to follow suit to avoid miscommunications and squabbles. However, I don't think that any person must be ceased from expressing a well-thought speech because the listener refuses to be affected by the sentiments of the speaker. If there's one thing we must learn to do, that is to have control over our emotions as a listener. To zip our lips; open our ears; and, if you must, harden your heart and stable your mind for if there's one peeve speakers have, it is a listener who manipulates the orator's discourse.

So as much as one person's statements are against your will and beliefs, you have to pay him/her the respect that he/she deserves. Let them speak.

The Little I've Got in This Cork-board Box

2008-09-25T19:44:00.004-07:00

Just when I was starting to feel more optimistic and hopeful with my current life, I find myself, tonight, sulking underneath the warmth of my thick comforter. I am back to square one, once again.

The lack of color has already been engulfed by grays; not a trace of the rainbow left. I had such little to confide with here and today I learn that the very little I've got is slowly being pulled away from me too. Everyone in my family has someone outside the shelter of this cork-board box. Dad has his co-workers, Mom has her PTA, my sisters have their classmates, and all our neighbors are of their age group but mine. Never ever in my life have I felt such excruciating pain and severe loneliness. And as much as I'd want to stop feeling like so, I just can't help it. I want to stop 'cause I don't want my parents to worry about me. I want to stop because I don't want my sisters to feel sad or bad for me. I want to stop 'cause I don't want to give anyone a hard time but I just CAN'T.

My life here is so constricted hence, there isn't much that I nor my family could do to help me through this phase. To deliberately hurt or kill myself would lead to my loved ones' grief and that would only make things worse for all of us, so now, all I can do is cry and pray.

A Vow to Life.

2008-09-23T04:49:00.005-07:00

It's been four months since I moved and I have to admit that I'm surprised that I still haven't lost it -yet. Four months of idle living, hardly a social life, basically just spending each and everyday doing chores and running errands with my Mom -I won't deny it, my dear friend. That's how my life has been for the past four months. I cannot say that I am having the time of my life because, apparently, I'm not. I will not say I am devastated because, well, surprisingly, I am not. Am I satisfied? -Yes. Am I lonely as hell? -Yes. Am I still sane? -Thank God.

Re-building your life in an absolute foreign place is even harder than I imagined. It's not just moving your belongings, organizing and decorating your house/room, nor is it just adjusting to a different timezone. It's trying to adapt to a totally different lifestyle, trying to understand and embrace the many diverse cultures that surround you, trying to network and socialize, and being understanding of others no matter how absurd they seem to be. But most of all, it's being patient with time and yourself.

Life is severely difficult, but I am not giving up. For my Mom, my Dad, and most specially my sisters, I will stand tall and stay strong because they need me. I will stay healthy, I will stay sane, I will try to be productive and I will be extremely patient just for them, and of course, you. However, please do forgive me when I cry for some nights I cannot help but break down. I am a mere human like yourself. I am strong but sometimes I become weak too. For you, however, I WILL be strong because it's the only way I could ever thank you. I would've recorded a video or written a song to tell you how thankful I am, or I would've at least dropped a little note; but then I thought that the best way I could thank you is to show you how well you've taught me.

So here I am, smiling at the thought of you; smiling because you told me to; smiling for you. I will be good, I will stay healthy and I will stay sane. I will be strong and I will be patient. I will endure whatever challenge that will come my way and I will embrace each and every second of this life. I vow to this for my family, my best friends, and for you. I hope to serve as a tiny inspiration for you, just as you've become one for me.

One

2008-09-04T15:29:00.005-07:00

It's amazing how big a difference one can make.

One missing page in a book can leave you immensely baffled 'til the end of the plot.
One shade of foundation lighter than your actual tone can make you look like a rejected geisha (or, for pinoys, espasol) -making you the butt of the day's jokes.
One shoe size short and your toes will throb all week.
One more pinch of salt can ruin tonight's dinner.
One drop of blood can give you AIDS.
One kiss can lead to many things.
One glass more can cost your criminal record (or worse -your life).
One puff can get you hooked.
One wrong digit and you've called your neighbor's husband's mistress' brother's dog's new owner.
One word can make your heart race.
One witty line can spark a great friendship (or relationship).
One grammatical error could mess up one's main point.
One note wrong and you ruin the entire song.
One minute late and you've missed what would have been the greatest deal in your career.
One splash of color can brighten up the dullest of rooms.
One cough can kill thousands.
One prayer can save millions.

One small act, one miniscule detail, one minor error -all it takes is ONE to make the most dramatic change, the biggest difference, the greatest blessing in life.

Today, my Mom and I ventured out to fulfill some medical requirements. We got ourselves vaccinated and I got mine for free because I am still seventeen, making me a minor. I turn eighteen tomorrow. That's a couple of a hundred bucks worth -that's a couple of a hundred bucks saved. Just one day saved me funds for my future.

P.S.
I had 5 vaccines today. T_T ouch...

Real-Life Disney Princesses

2008-08-29T19:17:00.002-07:00

So my Mom & I spent all day today cleaning and tidying-up the house because my godmother, whom I haven't seen in 5 years (more or less), is flying in from San Francisco and she's lodging in with us. It wasn't until around noon when things got interesting. I was cooking lunch while she was mopping the floor and while mopping, she started humming to the tune of some old ballad.

Me:Sino ka, si Snow White?
Mom:Hah, no. Si Cinderella ako.
Me:Asa. Cinderella's blonde!
Mom:Si Cinderella kaya ako! By day, naglilinis ng bahay, tapos pag-gabi rumarampa.
Me:Mommy, si Annie Batumbakal naman yan e.
Mom:*snickering* Annie Batumbakal haha! Oo nga no.
-continue work-
Me:Haha, ikaw si Cinderella ako si Snow White. Parehong naglilinis ng bahay, pag-gabi ikaw rumarampa, ako naman just waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet... And we both talk to cute little critters! *in that omg-so-cute-baby tone* 'Pretty bird!... Hello, squirrel!... Buffalo!!'
Mom:Hahaha! Gaga!

And so, that's how I'm gonna be spending most of my days until my papers are done. I'm so nervous, they're gonna take 3 viles of blood from me on Monday to test me for drugs, HIV & whatever. Omg, needles... I hate needles... I'm scared. =os

Life's giving me a painful lesson on patience -and it's hard.

The Boys

2008-08-20T15:19:00.002-07:00

I like them white boys
I like them Asian boys
I like them mixed race boys
I like them Spanish boys
I like Italian boys
I like them Brazilian boys
I like Puerto Rican boys
I like them tall boys
I like them short boys
I like them brown haired boys
I like them blonde boys
I like them big boys
I like them skinny boys
I even like those scrawny Scottish into pop music but not like sorta like pop dance electro music

Ah, yes, the lovely song by Dragonette. So, boys -what exactly is it that we look for in them? What is it, really, that makes them so adorable and attractive? Could it be those intense eyes that just stare back at your dumbfounded ones? That dazzling smile that makes you wanna smile too?

Boys are so alike yet so different in many ways. As stupid as we girls say they are (because really, why do they claim us girls 'complicated? xD), each one of them has at least a couple things that make them such amazing individuals. Despite their uncontrollable, raging hormones and their egotistic ways (admit it, love), they are sweet, gentle and somehow intelligent beings. They make use of their super-strength to help our frail bones carry big, heavy objects; they brave harsh conditions with their tough skin to save us from getting our delicate ones marred. We don't realize this, but guys actually do a great amount of things just to please us girls. They work hard so they can pay for our dates. They exercise to stay strong and look good for us. They shower everyday and spray perfume and wear deodorant so they always smell nice. They wear nice shoes and clothes so they're always stylish for us. They get regular hair-cuts, style their hair and shave to look neat. With all that was stated, I conclude that we girls have the tendency to be ungrateful for the great amount of effort guys put on for us. Hence, in behalf of my fellow, lovely ladies, I would like to thank Michael Phelps for shaving, making every victory a clean celebration.

If I Were to Marry a Dolphin

2008-08-16T21:09:00.003-07:00

As a family, it is a custom for us to gather 'round the dinner table, feast on our delicious supper prepared by my lovely mother, and ogle at our television set to witness our nation's athletes vie for gold. With our teeth gritting, mouth ajar & eyes wide-open in anticipation, behold, the dolphin takes home his eighth golden nugget along with his fellow human friends who somehow possess the same prodigious ability to move swiftly underwater...

Chorus: Wow.
Mom: Grabe, ang galing talaga ni Phelps...
Ellice: I know! And he's good looking too!
Me:*swoons* And he's only 23!!!
-Looks at mom-
Mom: It's okay, it's Michael Phelps. -winks-
Ellice: Yeah, Justine! It's be SO cool to have Michael Phelps as a.. a.. part of the family!
Irene: That would be, a BROTHER-IN-LAW.
Ellice: Yeah, brother in law!
-Irene rolls her eyes-
Me:Right.

So, there you have it. Yet another typical evening for the family. I miss my Dad; he's out of town for a business trip. He'll be back soon though, and I cannot wait 'til he comes back!

Congratulations to team U.S.A.!

Breaking Down

2008-08-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

So I just finished reading the final installment of Stefanie Meyer's famous ribs-Twilight saga, and I am disappointed. (Now, if you have yet to read the book, you might want to stop reading this entry at this point because I'm about to spoil the book for you.)

First book -'Twilight', was good. I mean, it really got me hooked. It was an interesting giddy-upper high school romance story that's out of this dimension. The following books, 'New Moon' & 'Eclipse' raised the bar by increasing the volume of intensity and suspense of the plot. 'Breaking Dawn', the breaking point of the whole saga, for me, was a tremendous downer. I mean, it was pretty good, though not impressive, in the beginning and there was even a segment dedicated to Jacob's POV somewhere in the middle of the book. In the end, however, the story line was just down right predictable and too 'perfect' in the sense that things fell into place too idealistically; that Stefanie Meyer didn't let her heroes & heroines struggle for a happily ever after -it was just too happy (and cheesy).

So yeah, it's another J.K. Rowling balloon burst for Stefanie Meyer. Although, I must say that the Twilight saga would be a good series of flicks 'cause they won't be long and boring like the Harry Potter flicks where characters wave a twig while reciting blarney for at least three hours (at least the pretty colored sparkling rays of light that shoot out of them are pretty entertaining).

I won't stop you from purchasing the book though, in fact, I encourage you to see for yourself and be the judge of it. And while you go hunt for that precious copy for you to read, I will proceed to the grocery store and purchase my favorite fruits, a bag of mini carrots, a box of Cheerios (to be bagged and loaded in the car by a honey-blonde, blue-eyed boy ^___^).

That Afternoon

2008-08-02T17:20:00.005-07:00

It was a perfect day: the sky was engulfed by gray clouds. The green of the trees and the clashing hues of the flowers were masked with a dull, gray tint. The air was humid and cold as ice.

Drop. Drop. The heavens tried their best to hold in their tears as I marched into what may be the most risible act I can ever do.

It's been a year since that fateful day I jumped off that cliff and you caught me. The best part was that you didn't just catch me then put me down on the ground; you kept me in the palm of your hand and stayed.

With my limbs now sturdier, my heart now tougher, my mind now wiser, and my spirit now stronger, it was time for you to let me go and time for me to start walking on my own. Though 7,373 miles of land and sea stand between us, there will always be that one strong thing that persists us hand in glove: what we have now.

It's Genetic!

2008-07-22T11:20:00.002-07:00

Almost everyday, our parents will always have something to complain about our attitude. From the way we leave certain items lying around the house, to the way we speak to them: yes, they always have something to complain about. They'd constantly reprimand us, telling us to be more responsible, more respectful and such; and all we could do is sit/stand, with our heads bent down, facing the ground, hands on our laps/backs, tracing the floorboards/tiles with the big toe of our right foot... We are helpless and could not argue further. We couldn't really say anything 'cause they will always have something to throw back at us.

If we take a good look at it, the reason for our actions is THEM. We are not the way we are if it weren't for our dear ol' parents; and you know why? Because it's genetic! Observe how they are when they are unconscious. When they are caught off guard, you find them committing mistakes we kids would commit -they just refuse to admit it because they're our parents: our role models, the authorities, ang batas.

So friends, when things start heating up between you and your parents, just tell them 'It's Genetic!'. It'll piss the hell out of them but it'll shut them up and make them reflect on themselves and you. I can't guarantee any improvements with your relationship, it's just a matter of opening up and breaking that 'parental barrier'. It sucks to have uptight parents. At our age, we have to be best friends with them not pet & owner or commander and soldier, you know? They love us. They just don't know how to handle us.

Death by Orgasm

2008-07-21T03:00:00.001-07:00

I was watching an episode of C.S.I.: NY last night when they find the corpse of a teenage girl propped in a peculiar position. She was seated, frozen stiff, with her fingers clenching onto the table and her toes tensely pressing on her white, platform flip-flops. Her head faced the ceiling, her eyes were shut, and her mouth was propped open in making an 'O'. After the first autopsy of the body, they concluded that the victim's cause of death was that of an orgasm. Following further investigation, they found out that she was taking in some sort of compound that enhances your sexuality and all that stuff -in simple terms, she's taking some drug that gets her to climax easier.

Weird, funny, gross but REAL. There are actual cases of people who die of an orgasm. Most of which are of those whose hearts have gone weak. When we reach our peak, our hearts pump faster than normal, in the case of these people, their hearts, because they are very weak, are incapable of it so an artery or something just breaks or malfunctions and they just die.

Many cases are that of dirty old men sneaking around with their mistresses. I guess we can say that's their karma? As sad as it is, I still cannot help but laugh about it. So they pursue their vile deed of an adulterated relationship, strive to reach heaven, reach heaven, then wake up in hell. HAHA! Okay, I'll stop now. But gosh, can you just imagine the horrid scene? And the partners? Geez louisas. But yeah, sad, disgusting, filthy, wacky, tacky and true.

And It Flowed...

2008-07-14T22:09:00.002-07:00

Like a body of water. From a little stream, to a coursing river, I swam against the current in fear of losing myself in the vast sea.

It's beginning to be a routine, this swimming-against-the-current thing. Some nights I find myself breaking down, shrunken and weak; getting swept by the strong current. And I wish that I was well-equipped and prepared; only I never learned. I've always been convinced that I am strong enough to keep my stance; that no matter how hard the wind blows and how strong the water pushes, I will still be standing on the exact same spot, rough, steady & unshaken... But I thought wrong.

I keep slipping, crashing onto the river banks and into large rocks. I've been crushed most times and I'm sure to have lost bits and pieces of me along the way. Life vests, rafts, paddles, boats -I wish I had those in hand, but I didn't. Because I was stubborn. Because I was proud. Because I was being stupid. Because I thought I was big and sturdy. Because I've been through rougher bodies of water -or so I thought. Little did I know that there were even rougher ones -no, I knew there were rougher ones; I just refused to recognize its existence.

So I find myself being dragged by the current, whipping and crashing from side-to-side, getting crushed by the minute. And yet, I still strive to fight and swim against the flow. It's a difficult task. It's a painful task. However, sometimes, I guess I have to just let loose and lose myself in this rough river ride, because as painful as it is, in due time, I will find myself a smooth, polished and shiny stone -just like those sitting at the end of the river: shining and glimmering under the beautiful, warm sun.

Erratic Droll Chinwag

2008-07-01T06:16:00.002-07:00

For the past month, words of doltishness have been uncontrollably flowing out of my mouth. Like yesterday when we were eating in KFC for lunch:

Irene:(on her 5th piece of chicken) I broke my record of 4 chickens!
Ellice:(on her nth piece of chicken) I think I broke my record too!
Me:*snap* I think I broke my fork.

That morning, before Dad left for work, I was fixing me my breakfast (eggs & toast):

Dad:(washing his hands) Hey, where'd the eggs come from?
Me:(cracks an egg) Chickens
Dad:(splashes me with water) I'm gonna strangle you.

Last weekend, we were driving off to Red Rock Canyon and on the highway we saw this car driven by this old lady with big, poofy, over-teased, seemingly platinum blonde locks:

Dad:Hey girls, where'd you think she got her wig?
*3-second silence*
Me: PetSmart

I wasn't the only one though. Last week, when my cousin came over with her friends, we were driving off to.. well, somewhere, and we were talking about cars:

Friend:I can't wait 'til they come up with cars that fly.
My cousin:Uhm, that would be called an Airplane

I really should get back to school... @_@

Time to Grow Up

2008-05-31T14:14:00.002-07:00

It's been 12 hours since I left the humidly hot island that was my home and here I sit in the airport's holding room, waiting to board my connecting flight to my final destination -my new home.

It hurts to see people you love cry over you -well, at least I get hurt. Hearing the voices for one last time before taking off, the tears prominent by the tone of their voice -it breaks my heart to leave but then, it is for my future. There are so many opportunities out there for we kids who hold so much potential. It would be a waste to limit yourself within the walls of your comfort zone.

Just four more months and I will be eighteen. It is time I further develop my independence and start taking more responsibilities. I can't forever rely on my father's pockets and my mother's hands -I have to start using my OWN pockets and hands because pretty soon, they will no longer be strong enough to provide for me, and it will be me who will be providing for my little sisters and soon, my own family.

My heart aches and I yearn for the presence of those dear to me. My eyes are currently swollen from crying myself to sleep whilst my flight, my guts are even more tightly twisted than it is already. My feet are frozen cold from the plane and for my stupidity of wearing flip-flops on-board, but in spite of all that, I am happy.

The tears that were previously shed, the sad smiles exchanged, waves of goodbyes and tight, warm hugs -they're not the last of them. We will be seeing each other again so it's more of "see you soon!" than "farewell". We all have to move on with our lives and focus more on establishing ourselves as individuals. It's time for us to grow up.

Wonted

2008-05-23T21:29:00.004-07:00

It's the habit of doing something; or in other words, being used to doing something.

It's been almost two months since my teenage life's tragedy, and still I have yet to get myself accustomed to living with a missing limb. I sought out ways to rid me of this empty sensation: shopping until my wallet was in ashes, partying until the sun come up. Gone were the basic and classy pieces in my wardrobe, in their place are bold and eccentric pieces that my old self wouldn't even imagine wearing. Gone are my long, curly locks as well; atop my head is a pixie-like hairstyle: cropped all the way. I also tried running until my already-injured ankles caved in. Despite all my efforts, I still would find myself crying myself to sleep.

It's a pain to get accustomed to this emptiness. It's irreplaceable. It's improbable to fix. All that I can do right now is leave it and let it be. I can cry all day and night, starve for a lifetime, run until I can no longer run, it still won't change a thing. It is gone now, and the chances of it growing back is, well... I don't really know anymore. I still believe in it, though. I always pray that somehow, despite all the blood, sweat and tears shed, it will all fall back into its happy place.

So cheers to my new hair and an all-new life. A week from now, I will be up in the air, in a journey to a new chapter in my life. It's going to be another fate I will have to get used to. It's going to hard, but it should be fun.

By a Thread

2008-05-17T23:20:00.001-07:00

I cling to a loose thread on your shirt

My blood trickles

The thin thread slices through my skin

I bleed, but I do not cry

I struggle on every breath

My chest, heavy

Death is creeping up on me

I'm not dying, but it feels like it

Warmth.

Many different hands holding on to me

Many different hands keeping me alive

Making the most of my final minutes

And yet I still hold on to this torture

Hoping...

Then you cut the thread off your shirt

Freedom you've achieved

Death I received.

When Time is Scarce

2008-05-15T20:51:00.002-07:00

So, what happens when you have two weeks left to live? No, I am not in a detrimental state -I'm just leaving.

In two weeks, I will be leaving what has been my home for all the seventeen years of my life. As of the moment, I feel no tears welling in my eyes -it's as if I've gone numb over this situation- but the feeling of sadness, fear, anxiety, and a whole lot of mixed-up emotions are creeping up on me ever so subtly. It's like death. You know it's coming and you fear the day it comes, but you're somehow, ironically, eager to just let go, let loose and start anew -in heaven or wherever it is you go after life. You're devastated to cut free from all your attachments: friends, family, lover, pets, job, dream...

Somehow, we just have to let go and see what's on the other side. We have to break out of our comfort zones, explore and have an adventure, endure pain and embrace it because life is too short to let all these failures take the best of you. To know what it is that you really want, you have to go and see for yourself life outside your bubble. Let more air in your balloon so it becomes bigger. It'll explode, not because it cannot take in all the air you're letting in, but because you have seen everything, done everything and have FILLED your balloon -your life- to its full potential.

It's a scary world out there, and I am petrified as hell to face it, but I am positive on how things will turn out. Great things await me there, and in one way or another, I will reach them, even if I have to bleed and amputate some limbs. Right now, with the very little time I have left, I am just sitting back, relaxing, and watching each day roll by, without much care in the world. I had a long list of things to do before leaving, but with the very minute time I have left, right now, I don't really care anymore about those things, as long as I get to be with those I love and care for before I go, I'll be damn happy.

Btw, it's not the end -it never is, and never will be. Life's just beginning, so wait for me.

Beautifully Scarred

2008-05-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

Here I lie awake, listening to 'sleepy songs', hoping that it would help me fall into sweet, deep, serene slumber, and yet I find myself wide-eyed and awake, unable to sleep. I want to sleep.

So many thoughts have been crossing my mind for the past few hours. The same things just keeping rushing through my head every single day, you cannot imagine how insane it's been driving me. I finished two thick-assed books within three days -that's a new record for me, as it usually takes me a week at least to finish one with two hundred pages- hoping that it would distract me from all these heavy thoughts and yet even as I read, they still somehow manage to slip in between the world created by my imagination that my readings have been dictating. I'm reading to distract myself but somehow I am still flooded with these thoughts.

This week has been interesting for me. I bitched out on a friend to knock some sense into her and surprisingly hit myself in the process by my harsh words -I practically scolded myself as I reprimanded my friend. I was able to visit the house I lived in back in the early years of my adolescence -my awkward years of bad acne and braces. I also learned what great a sacrifice someone has done for me. It was awful at the beginning but I am now thankful for that -beyond thankful, if I may emphasize. I don't have to say how grateful I am, though. All I need to do is make sure I reach my dream and give that person large credit for it.

About a month ago, I got badly wounded and each time it dried into scabs, I stubbornly picked on it and it bled again, rekindling the pain, causing me to cry like when it was fresh. It's not smart to pick on your scabs. You really have to give it some time to heal thoroughly and just allow the scabs to fall off. There's no guarantee getting your porcelain smooth skin back for it is highly probable for it to leave a scar especially if the wound cut deep into your skin. This I tell you though: embrace that scar. It's not a mark of repugnance -it's a story carved on your skin. And like all stories, it holds a struggle, a symbol of strength & bravery, and more than those, a collection of lessons that you will carry for the rest of your life.

So I end this entry with a little piece of advice that I shall leave to you, my lovely reader: Drink water. Take a shower. Pray.

We Have to Be Strong.

2008-04-14T06:40:00.004-07:00

I've lost so many things in my life. Some I had to give up, some just left me, and some were taken away from me. But somehow, despite all these things I've lost, I am actually thankful for having lost these precious things 'cause these losses have taught me to be stronger.

I remember, I was just three when my mom left 'cause of my dad's abusive ways. I used to be so mad at her for leaving me, and I used to be so mad at the fact that she had to leave me. There were nights when I'd cry myself to sleep, wishing she was there. What made it even harder was that my father tried to keep me away from my mom, even to the point of brainwashing me with ill lies about her. It hurt me so much because she's my mom and here's my father, talking bad about her. I never believed a thing he said that's bad about my mom, and I really seeded ways to be with her. I wanted to live with my mom & be with her so I fought. I fought hard and finally mustered-up the courage to pack my bags, walk out of my father's house & move in with my mom. Growing up as a child was tough for me, but see, I learned to become independent and strong. I learned how to stand on my own two, frail, but struggling feet. It was a hard and painful journey but things turned out very well in the end.

I won't say that life's blissful for me now because it isn't. I won't say either that it's depressing because I am satisfied. I've just lost an immense part of me and life is being hard on me once again. I feel gravely devastated but somehow I am happy & thankful. It's hard -beyond hard actually. I've cried most nights & I haven't really mustered a genuine smile lately, but I'm coping. I guess it's about time I get smacked hard on the face so I'd learn to become stronger & stuff, anyway. Just like my childhood struggles, I have to learn to stand on my own & train my frail heart to be stronger.

It's not the end, after all. In fact, it's just the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It's just one dream that's broken into a thousand, tiny pieces. I just have to pick them up, one by one, and piece them back together. It's gonna be hard, but I have to be strong.

He Speaks Through People We Trust

2008-04-08T21:57:00.004-07:00

A year ago, I was an emotionally distressed girl who refused to go near the church and did not believe in God. I mean, I've always believed in His existence but I didn't believe in His powers, what He can do and how much He loves us. No matter how much my Christian Living teacher would persuade tell me about faith and no matter how much my grandmother would explain to me how great God is, I never believed in Him. It wasn't until September last year that I was finally convinced by my best friend to join our village parish's Youth Apostolate and attend this three-day retreat. After that weekend, I came back to church more often and I began starting and ending each day with a prayer. I got enlightened and was so moved. I was a happier person. Never did I become emotionally distressed since then.

You see, I have this theory that God knows how to reach us. Yes, He goes through a little trial-and-error process, talking to you through people He believes you will trust. I guess it also depends on what He wants to say as well. You know how Pepsi and Coka Cola are both colas but then we always choose just one of the brands? It's the same when God tries to tell us something. He tries telling it through, let's say, your teacher, and He tries telling you the same message through, say, your best friend. You can either believe and follow as your teacher says, or trust your best friend and do what you're told -it really is up to the individual, but one thing's for sure: He will sought ways to reach you and He will never forsake you.

Who's to Blame?

2008-04-02T03:13:00.003-07:00

You know how you can only completely remove sticky tacks off the wall by rolling a sticky tack on it? And how you can remove nail polish without using nail polish remover by applying nail polish on it then wiping it off while it's still wet? Well, it's a pretty similar process on how our emotions are manifested.

It's in our nature to blame our joy, our pains and our wrath on others but if you just pause and take a close look at it, the reason for these sentiments is actually our own selves. We laugh because we want to laugh. We cry because we want to cry. We get mad because we want to get mad. We feel such way because we DECIDED to do so. We are hurt by people because we allowed them to make us feel hurt. When someone gives you a foul comment, we feel insulted but can't we just laugh it off and feel happy?

We are walking on this long path that is our life. Each obstacle has a set of paths to choose from. It is WE who choose to be happy, to be sad and to simply feel. I'm not saying that these people have absolutely nothing to do with our feelings. In fact, it is they who influence the way we should feel; the final decision is just up to us. What exactly is my point here? I'm just saying, the only way to save ourselves from depression is we, ourselves. You can't solely rely on someone else to wipe off your tears and replace your frown with a smile -you have to do that yourself because you are the only one who can do it completely. However, it doesn't mean that you should refuse the help of others. If you can't do it yourself at all, then by all means necessary, ask for help from someone you trust will guide you to the right path. In the end though, it is always YOU who makes the final decision.

It's 7AM

2008-03-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

And I haven't slept at all. I want a flannel shirt. Flannel shirts are cool. You can go crazy with them. I love going crazy with clothes. I enjoy being creative with putting pieces of garments together. That's why flannel shirts are cool.

Madras: it's such a fetish now in the country. Everywhere I go, I see people in madras shorts, skirts, bermudas and tops. Madras are sooooo summer last year! -well, in the U.S. at least. I say, defy the madras fad and go for floral prints!! SET trends, don't follow them.

Okay, that was so random.