Proactive Parenting

RedFin, A Nursery and PP

Sharon Silver — Wed, 17 May 2023 19:02:05 +0000

How to Design a Nursery You’ll Love: 9 Expert Tips

Planning your baby’s nursery can be one of the most exciting milestones when you’re expecting. From selecting the perfect color palette to finding just the right crib, deciding how to design a nursery is a labor of love that requires attention to detail and a whole lot of creativity.

But don’t worry, Redfin has you covered with 9 expert tips to help you create a nursery that you and your baby will absolutely adore. Whether you live in an apartment in Dallas and are strapped for space, or you’re redecorating a room in your new home in El Paso, read on and learn how you can properly prepare for your baby-to-be.

1. Keep the room peaceful
As a Pediatrician, Neonatologist, and Lactation Consultant, Jessica Madden knows how important your baby’s first room is.

“A baby nursery is so much more than just a bedroom – it’s an extension of the womb where your baby will continue to grow and develop for their first few years of life. It’s also the place where you will spend a lot of time feeding and nurturing your baby. The design and decoration of a nursery should be peaceful and soothing for both you and your baby using pastel colors, soft rugs/carpets, and making sure there is plenty of natural light.” – Jessica Madden, MD, Primrose Newborn Care

2. Create a focal point
Are you having trouble knowing where to start when decorating your nursery? Kristen Forest, Founder of Chaylor and Mads, recommends using the crib as a jumping-off point.

“When designing the nursery, a great place to start is with the wall behind the crib. You can choose a fun wallpaper, create an accent wall with paint or wood, or choose art that you love,” she says. “This will create a focal point for the room. Then choose decor, furniture, and accessories that complement the wall and build from there.”

3. Focus on neutral colors
“My go-to mantra for creating new rooms or spaces in my home is to make everything a neutral color and use accent colors throughout the room,” says Marissa LaBuz, CEO of Just Simply Mom.

She continues, “It’s a great idea to paint the nursery a light gray or taupe as a neutral base. I choose white, ivory, or light gray furniture, frames, lighting, etc. Then I use the brighter color for accent pieces like bedding, pillows, knick-knacks, and wall decor. It’s always easier to change out accent pieces than furniture and wall paint.”

The team from The Champa Tree echoes LaBuz’s suggestion to focus on neutral tones for your baby’s room. “Designing a cozy and comfortable nursery is a great way to provide a warm and welcoming environment for your baby. Consider using soft, neutral colors for the walls that will create a tranquil and peaceful atmosphere for your baby. Light colors such as yellow, soft green, blue, gray, or warm pastels have a soothing effect on the child. Avoid dark and bold colors, which can look intimidating.”

4. Decorate with “Mommy and Me” in mind
Malina Malkani, a Pediatric Registered Dietitian and Infant Feeding Expert, emphasizes the importance of creating a space that’s functional for both you and your baby.

“Keep in mind that nursing and/or bottle feeding will be one of the most important and time-consuming ways you care for your baby. Newborns typically need milk feedings every 2-3 hours, so having a cozy, quiet spot to feed is key.”

She adds, “Consider outfitting your space with a cushioned glider and small side table so you have somewhere to place your phone, a beverage (essential if you’re nursing) and anything else you might need to have on hand while feeding your baby.” – Malina Malkani, MS, RDN, CDN Malina Malkani Nutrition

The team from Ernie & Irene agree. “When designing your nursery and choosing artwork and accessories, consider yourself as well as the baby. For the first year or so, you’ll be in this space for long periods of time feeding, rocking, and changing your baby. Choose pieces that delight and comfort you that also provide a pleasant place to rest your eyes.”

5. Create a room that grows with your baby
“Newborns grow so fast; in just months, they go from sleeping 17 hours a day to exploring constantly.

In no time, they’ll be climbing over the crib wall and trying to play instead of sleep,” says Suzzie Vehrs, CEO of She Births Bravely. “Pick pieces that grow with your little one, like a crib that converts to a toddler bed. Also, keep practical things like wipes and diaper cream that could be smeared everywhere up high, and cover those outlets and cords from the beginning.”

6. Keep safety a main priority
Wondering how to design a nursery with safety in mind? Remember, the most important things when deciding where to place the crib, are safety, comfort, and looking toward the future.

Sharon Silver, Founder of Proactive Parenting shares some simple ways to keep your baby out of harm’s way. “Keep the crib away from the window. When you’re sleep-deprived and need your infant to sleep, sunlight is the enemy, so consider black-out blinds. Keep cribs away from the cords attached to blinds or curtains, they can be a risk of strangulation, so it’s best to keep tiny hands away from them. Consider placing the crib where you can see the baby easily when you peek into the room. That will give you peace of mind without disturbing the baby.”

7. Be intentional about lighting and color scheme
Neela Asaadi Ghomeshi, an advisor at Nest by Revel, gives her recommendation for a nursery’s lighting and decor. “For lighting, consider installing a dimmer switch, so you can adjust the lighting level to suit the mood, such as during night feedings. Also, consider adding a soft night light to create a calming ambiance.”

She adds, “As for paint and decor, choose a calming color scheme that complements your furniture and bedding. Soft pastels like blue, green, or pink can create a soothing atmosphere. Add some personality to the nursery with decorative items such as a colorful rug, artwork, or wall decals.”

8. Create a gallery wall
The founder of Lulu Babe, Karen, shares the special way she decorated her nursery.

“When designing our nursery, we included a gallery wall. We collected a mix of family photos, our baby’s ultrasound images, and cherished artwork that held deep sentimental value for us. We also incorporated a custom wooden name plaque with our baby’s name. Arranging these pieces in a gallery wall format added a personal and unique touch to the nursery and showcased our family’s story.”

9. Consider a Montessori nursery
As a new mom herself, Claudia Sandino knows the positive impact a Montessori nursery can have on your baby. “

A Montessori nursery emphasizes independence, simplicity and sensory play. Make sure to simplify the space, focus on natural materials, and avoid bright colors and patterns.”

She continues, “Promote independence with low shelves and a floor bed. A floor bed encourages your child to get in and out of bed on their own. Also, easy access to their clothes and shoes is also important so that they can learn to dress themselves and enjoy taking charge in their daily routine.” – Claudia Sandino, Marketing Manager at Villie

Originally published on Redfin.com

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Transformation and COVID

Sharon Silver — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 19:57:23 +0000

They say things come in threes. After the last few weeks, I agree.

First, my back went out, and that NEVER happens.
Then, my sister-in-law fell and broke her back. She’s better, thank goodness, but OMG.
Then, Mr. Man and I got Covid.

So, I crawled into bed to ride out the storm. Thank goodness it was a light case, but unfortunately, it did linger.

I’ve also been working, as much as possible, even with Covid.
I read something posted by Janet Lansbury, and I’ve come to the same conclusion.

Her message struck me as an essential precursor to what’s coming from me.

I am an average person, just like you are.
I get derailed by life, just like you do.
I face toxic people who throw emotional rocks at me like your kids do.
I stumble when I face those things, just like we all do.

One of the first lessons we all learn as parents is that we are not in control.
Life with kids means unpredictability, uncertainty, and coming to terms with the new person you’re forced to become so you can face what life puts on your plate.

How do you find the strength, clarity, words, and actions to do what’s in your heart and what’s best for your child?
That’s a lot to figure out while raising kids.

Here’s the weird thing.
That feeling, the unpredictability, uncertainty, and coming to terms with the new person you’re forced to become; those feelings don’t go away when kids get older; they change and take on new forms.
Unfortunately, the feeling that you’re walking around in someone else’s skin, that feeling hangs around until you integrate yourself into your parenting.

This short piece from Janet Lansbury might resonate with you and show you that you are not alone.

“If you have the nagging sense that babies [kids] deserve the same respect we would offer to any other person, you might be a weird parent.

If you don’t see the humor in photos of upset toddlers [kids] because you empathize with them as people, you might be a weird parent.

If you marvel at your baby’s [kids] innate abilities, you might be a weird parent.

If you believe that your child’s perspective is interesting and always worth considering, you might be a weird parent.

If you hope to develop a mutually respectful and enjoyable person-to-person relationship with your baby, you might be a weird parent.

And you’ll know you’re definitely a weird parent if, like me, you look forward to the day when “weird” is the new normal.”
Janet Lansbury

You must embrace your new normal and merge who you were with who you have become.
As a parental cycle breaker raising a trailblazer, you’ll also need your words and actions to not only express your love which provides safety, but you need to maintain the rules and boundaries that promote lessons and guidelines for how this world works.
No easy feat. And we’ve got you.

You know we have been rebranding.
We are focused on transforming your parenting from the cycle of toxicity that most of us were raised with to parenting from a whole place; without forgoing the words and actions needed to raise authentic, resilient children successfully.

Stay tuned, life may have set me back a few weeks, but I am more passionate than ever to help provide the parenting transformation you’ve been looking for.

Here’s to health, wellness, and empowerment.
Talk soon. Now, go hug your kids!
Sharon

#covid #emotional #toxicity #rules #whole #parenting #toxicparenting

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Which comes 1st Empathy or a Boundary?

Sharon Silver — Wed, 22 Feb 2023 22:39:53 +0000

Recently, I was told that parents think applying the “line in the sand,” aka a boundary, is the act of a strict, angry parent. I agree that any parenting you do, if delivered in anger, will prevent authentic learning.
Why?
Because kids withdraw inward to withstand the intensity you send when you deliver an angry boundary, they don’t listen or think about what they have done.

Having said all that, the concept of a “line in the sand” remains one of the key pillars of parenting.

We all know there are many ways to look at the same scenario. Today, I want to offer you another perspective on boundaries and explain why they are a key pillar for parenting.

If you look at boundaries from a child’s point of view, you’ll see that kids act like they want all the power to decide the rules; however, when a child is told, “Stop, we don’t grab cookies without asking.” they may pout, whine, or complain. Then, after a few minutes, they accept the boundary, especially if you follow with empathetic statements about how hard it is to accept this boundary.

Kids secretly act like they want all the responsibility of adult decisions,
but they don’t; they want to be kids.

If you flip the way you apply a boundary, it moves from an act of a strict parent to an act of an instinctive parent.

Caveman days
Boundaries began during the Stone Age when families were exposed to open fires and animals that wanted to eat them. Boundaries were an instinctive reaction to reality; they set the rules that will save your life. Of course, life has changed, but the premise of boundaries remains the same.

One example would be everyday conversations. If you don’t teach your child how to be conversational when talking, they will grow up to dominate conversations and could lose friends. That’s a boundary that applies to life in the 21st century.

Parents still feel the unconscious pull to apply boundaries intuitively, but they are confused about which comes first the chicken or the egg, the line in the sand or the empathy? Let me clarify.

The line in the sand comes 1st.
Suppose your child is doing something that’s clearly against the rules, and when you say “stop!” they begin arguing, whining, pouting, shoving, throwing, or stomping—you catch my drift, do you think saying, “Honey, I know this is hard.” will curtail the behavior or will it end them toward a more significant reaction so they can express their outrage?

Empathetic, loving, and kind words are so important, but they aren’t the first words you say when applying a rule, an agreement, or a boundary.

When it’s time to state a boundary, you [the parent] stop, take a deep breath, find your parental voice, and clearly say, “Stop, now, please,” and then go silent. Repeat if need be.
Then, when and only when the child stops, add your empathy, “Honey, I know this is hard, but you need to lower your voice when talking so my ears can understand you.”

Once your child respects the rule, the boundary, or the agreement, you can bring in more empathetic mindful words and actions that make them feel even more seen and heard.

Why do I believe using “the line in the sand” or a boundary is a key pillar for parenting?
Because early childhood is the time in life when the foundational experiences of respect, listening and following the rules are created and defined in the subconscious, that understanding is worked, practiced, and refined during early childhood and the elementary years, so when the kids become tweens and teens, they have a foundation of respect and the habit of following the rules instead of needing to constantly challenge them during the combative years.

I hope that clears some things up for you about boundaries. If not, feel free to send me a question, and I’ll stay on this topic and address it in next week’s newsletter.

In case you were wondering, we offer a self-paced playbook where five of the ten methods address boundaries, rules, and apologies. It’s called 10 No-Yelling Methods that Keep you Calm as you Correct Behavior. You can get it in our store on the website, www.proactiveparenting.net
Now, go hug your kids,
Sharon

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Why do I need to yell before you listen?

Sharon Silver — Mon, 09 Jan 2023 19:16:42 +0000

One parent wrote:
“Dear Sharon,
How do I get my kids to listen and do what I have asked when I ask? What natural consequences can I use if they don’t listen & do what I ask? I usually have to ask 5 times, then resort to yelling, then they finally act.”

Why does my child only listen when I yell?
There are many reasons why kids don’t listen until you yell. This answer shares one thing any parent can do that will begin changing how your child listens.

The first year of life teaches infants how to connect to their parents. They smile, they coo, and we melt.

Then, as they grow, they learn about the world through the lens of immature thinking. It’s from that place that they begin making decisions. One immature decision kids make is that yelling is just another form of attention.

Shocking, I know.
Of course, yelling is not as pleasant as a hug, but it’s attention all the same.
If you look at yelling through the eyes of a child, you’ll see what I mean.

Right before you yell, you stop what you’re doing, turn around; even if you’re talking to someone else. You lock eyes with your child, and begin sending all your focused attention to them through yelling. For a child, that’s a lot of energy, which they see [using immature thinking] as attention focused on them.

So what can be done?
If you’ve been following me on social media, you know that kids emotionally withdraw when you yell so they can withstand the intensity of your yelling. They brace themselves for what is about to happen, which means they aren’t listening or learning. So, what can be done?

So you can remain calmer and so your child learns that when (s)he steps over the line, the first thing you will do is connect with them and talk about all the feelings and the impact this behavior has had on others. Then you’ll decide, together, how to fix whatever’s happened by referring back to the family rules. This process creates trust instead of fear as kids experience a calmer, more empathetic, yet more straightforward way of understanding the problem their behavior has caused.

I won’t lie
The solution will most likely create a small aha reaction in your child. However, if you can remember that this is a confused reaction to your change, not a power struggle, you won’t react.

Being calmer and more empathetic yet clear about the consequence can be unsettling to a child, and is not a one-shot deal. Your child will most likely need time to adjust to the calmer, clearer, more empathetic you. That will happen as they experience this shift again and again.

Support
If you’re looking for how to create / apply a learning consequence instead of yelling or punishing, plus sample conversations, then you want pgs. 32-37 inside 10 No-Yelling Methods System @ https://proactiveparenting.net/store/

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7 Tips That Make Grocery Shopping with Kids Easier

Sharon Silver — Thu, 05 Jan 2023 01:06:09 +0000

My husband jokes and says
“Once you feed and clothe the kids, they expect it every day!” Like it or not, feeding our families means grocery shopping. And that means teaching, not scolding as you shop.

A Circle of Moms member with a 3-year-old, wonders, “How do you get your child to sit [in the cart] at the grocery store? Because, on my last visit, I had to deal with my daughter’s tears and a stranger’s “looks of EVIL.”

Kids don’t have the same patience level parents have to linger while shopping. And, oh, the judgy silent looks that appear as the crying continues. We’ve all seen them, the nosy lookers and shamers. It feels like they roam the earth looking for situations and people to judge.

What to Say to Judgmental Strangers
I highly recommend you i–g–n–o–r–e them! They’re just waiting for anyone to mention their eye-rolling and nasty glances so they can argue. Don’t feed their need to argue.
If you must say something, make sure it sends the message, “I know you’re uncomfortable listening to my child cry, but really, I do know what I’m doing!”

To express that message succinctly, try saying, “Yes, we’re having a moment.”
That tells them, “I know my child is screaming. I may not handle this the way you would, but I’ve got this.”

How to Teach the Skills Needed to Cooperate at the Grocery Store
There are two things to be aware of when dealing with a grocery store meltdown.
#1: The 3-year-old developmental phase brings out a child’s insecurity. This phase causes them to either be anxious to please or strong-willed and difficult. They see their parents getting what they want by being assertive, yelling, or demanding, so they decide, “Since my parents act that way, I should too.” That’s age-appropriate thinking plus a misunderstanding, which makes this the best time to teach kids the new skills needed to get what they want instead of punishing them.

#2: The other important thing to know is that, in many ways, a 3-year-old is still a baby. So when she gets upset because her demands aren’t being satisfied, the intensity of her emotions can quickly overtake and scare her. That’s when an angry, demanding tantrum morphs into a scared, overwhelmed tantrum.

Here are some tips for teaching skills needed at the grocery store in the grocery store.

1. 3 yr. old requires entertainment or guidance as you shop. One way to begin teaching her to stay seated as you shop is to be willing to entertain or instruct as you shop the aisles. Or, reframe why you’re not taking her with you by telling her that you only take children shopping who stay seated and follow the rules for staying safe. Tell her we can work on sitting in the cart and being safe tomorrow if she wants to come with you next time you shop, but she can’t come today.” Saying it that way reminds her that it is a privilege to come shopping, as long as you listen.
Then, the next day take her to a different market, one that is unfamiliar, put her in the cart, and ask her to sit as you pretend to shop to see how she does and what she needs to learn.

2. If she does try to stand up or cry, don’t leave or abandon your shopping cart and go home, even if it turns into a tantrum.
When you use grocery shopping for teaching, make sure you have plenty of time and don’t really need to buy anything. Then, if your child acts up, you have the freedom to walk to the manager and ask if you can leave the cart full of food with him, and you’ll be right back. Walk outside, and both of you sit outside on a bench. When the tantrum subsides, ask, “You ready to try again?” No need to say anything else since I’m sure you’ve already talked about how she’s supposed to behave. This natural consequence does the teaching through action, not punishment.

If you leave the store at this point, you’ve switched the lesson from a teaching moment to showing her who really holds the power—your child. Using her immature reasoning, she will assume “I’m powerful—I made mom mad and leave the store.”

3. You may need to repeat this teaching several times during the first and second shopping trip. But since you know what you’re doing, you can be calm instead of embarrassed or mad.

4. Eat before you shop. If both of you eat a snack before shopping, things will go much smoother.

5. Give your child some power. For example, allow her to push a kid’s shopping cart and get one thing you need from a low shelf. If she bolts, get her and repeat the bench process. Repeatedly doing this shows her what you expect and what will happen if she doesn’t listen as she shops with you.

6. Make-up games: If you need your child to stay in the cart, try “I spy a green veggie; it’s your brother’s favorite. Use your eyes to find it; then we’ll take the cart to get it!”

7. Last but not least, this isn’t a “try it one-time” kind of thing. Each time your child moves to a new phase, she may need a reminder. But once you have established what happens and will happen each time she does _____ at the grocery store, acceptance and cooperation occurs.

Sharon Silver is the founder of Proactive Parenting dot net, and author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Transform Behavior into Learning Moments.

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Wounds or Unicorns, Big topic

Sharon Silver — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 23:55:35 +0000

Last week, I talked about breaking the cycle of “too much to do.” The idea came about after a dear friend, and I talked about how moms are really feeling. This friend hosts several radio shows and has a private coaching program, so she has her hand on the pulse of motherhood in different ways than I do.

She confirmed what I already knew to be true; most moms are thrashed, tired of running the ship, and tired of the fact that no one is talking about what parenting is doing to them. That’s why I made the suggestion I made about the Todoist app.

Believe me when I tell you I would rather discuss Unicorns than painful childhood wounding. However, the attitude, decisions, and reactions you’re having toward your child were born from that wounding, and the decisions you made, as a result, are showing up in your parenting.

It’s time to hold up the stop sign and do whatever it takes to stop that generational pain from entering your sweet child’s world.

What concerns me most is when I hear parents say, “I have no emotional bandwidth left to care about changing how I deal with my kids. I’m too tired, emotionally fragile, and focused on getting it all done to think about looking for new ways to transform my child’s behavior; it’s too much work!”

The Great Leveler
When you feel like parenting changes are just one more thing on your to-do list that can wait, think about this, please.

Your kids, their growth, and understanding will not wait for you to “get ready” to change.
A child’s development waits for no one; your kids are learning from sun up to snoring.
The question is, what are they learning from you?

Why Bother
If you postpone or stop learning new skills, methods, and perceptions about parenting. Or if you continue to repeat the style your parents used that caused the emotional wounds you’re dealing with today, then you’re exposing your child to the same pain you’ve had to endure.

The pandemic has shown us that everyone gets to choose how they want to parent their kids. However, the commonality of wounding that happened to us as kids continue to bind us to anger and frustration.

Holly Harcourt articulated this perfectly on Instagram. She said,
“Unhealed childhood trauma manifests itself as fixing others, codependency, people pleasing, external validation needed, living on high alert, fear of abandonment, deprioritizing your own needs, need to prove yourself, tolerates abusive behavior, attracts narcissistic partners, difficulty setting boundaries.”

It’s time to release the unhealed trauma woven into our adult lives and begin using conscious parenting skills, so our kids never have to feel unseen, unheard, lack-of-self-worth, blame, shame, or guilt that have woven its way into the habits we use as adults. I will not say that your kids will never gain triggers or wounds of their own; they will because they need to be able to learn from them. But the triggers and wounds created from being raised by mindful parents are not as emotionally devastating as the previous generations were.

Solutions
• Review, as objectively as possible, the pain you still carry from your childhood wounds. As you review your triggers and wounds, remember your parents did not have access to any parenting resources except their own parent’s behavior.
This quote from Sean Covey says it all, “We become what we repeatedly do.” It’s time to change what you’re doing. See a therapist, read, or talk to friends to help you with this.

• Gift yourself with a dopamine rush of accomplishment instead of overwhelm by downloading the free app, Todoist @ https://todoist.com. (I am not an affiliate). Or use anything like it to reduce your feelings of doing too much.

• Become aware of where you typically get triggered when you’re stressed. For example, do you compare your child’s reality with your past (I was never allowed to behave this way.) Do you use future promises to motivate behavior (you better behave, or there’s no tv for you tonight.) Or are you present and able to teach in the now (It looks like you were full of mad and that stopped you from remember the steps needed to say calm words; let’s talk.)

Like it or not, parenting is a multi-generational adventure. First, you begin parenting with all the wounds and triggers you experienced as a child.  Then you have to decide if you will repeat this pattern or transform it so your child does not experience the same wounding you did.
And, as always, you get to decide which path you will take.

Know that all Proactive Parenting programs and playbooks provide you with conversations to get you started, so you can be conscious of the triggers and wounds that arise when your child makes a mistake.

If you need help with that, when you’re ready, you know where to find me, @proactiveparenting.net.

Now, go hug your kids,
Sharon

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Too Much to Do —Part 2

Sharon Silver — Fri, 02 Dec 2022 22:36:09 +0000

Part 2
There’s no time for me! True.
This is another top complaint moms have.

Did you read The Struggle is Real—Part 1 yet? It’s the article before this on the main page of the blog. It’s short, and it has a free app. suggestion you need to be aware of before reading Part 2.

 I’ll wait here while you read it… La-de-Do, La-de-Da.
Oh, good, you’re back!

Yesterday I said, “as it turns out, where you place your focus is a large part of your struggle.”  I also said, “your resentment is what’s actually stealing your emotional energy—not having to wash the dishes.”

Today’s Topic 
When you focus on all the things you have to accomplish each day or ruminate about how much doing these things pisses you off.
If you internally rage about the fact that no one else helps, or you wonder how your life got to be the way it is—you’re not focused on the now; you’re catastrophizing.

Catastrophizing is when someone “…blows things out of proportion believing irrational thoughts about themselves or others.” (Professor Google)
When you’re catastrophizing about the past or fearing the future, you’re scattering your focus in every direction but the now.

 What it sounds like
Past thinking sounds like, “I had a lousy childhood, so how am I supposed to parent well?”
Future thinking makes you wonder, “Will it always be this hard cause I’m not sure I can do this?”

All of that leaves you feeling defeated and powerless in the now, stopping you from being present.
Then your child, who lives in the now, marches in and demands your time and energy.

This interrupts the focusing you’re doing on your resentment or exhaustion, overwhelm, or whatever you’re thinking, forcing you to pay attention immediately.

Being forced to change your focus quickly causes you to bark, snap, snark, or dump your scattered focus onto whatever situation your child has just brought you.

And to make matters worse, because you love that sweet face more than life itself, you sprinkle yourself with guilt for having released your resentment, frustration, or anger onto your child or the situation.
You are not alone; we’ve all been there, including me.

Here’s the good news 
When you use the app I suggested, or anything like it, including a simple to-do list, you accomplish a ton more, and you aren’t resentful, frustrated, or angry since you don’t have to make a bunch of decisions all day long because you’ve already scheduled what to do each day.  In addition, since each task takes 5 minutes, you end up with free time, which feels like a win; plus, the dopamine hit of accomplishment is great too.

Extra time begins healing you
Being proactive gives you extra time to spend with your kids, which immediately changes their behavior. And gives you the time and emotional energy to invest in yourself and your family or shift your child’s behavior.

Is this a holiday miracle?
Nope, it’s practical, possible, and has the potential to change your world.
And when you’re ready to change your world and your family dynamic, you know where to find the tools and support that will change how you connect and correct with your kids, here at Proactive Parenting.net
Now, go hug your kids.
Sharon

p.s. Big Changes coming so now is the time to make your purchases before prices go up for 2023.

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The Struggle is REAL!

Sharon Silver — Thu, 01 Dec 2022 21:35:43 +0000

The struggle is REAL— Part 1

The endless decisions, the tedious chores, the demanding activities, nurturing your relationship, yourself, and the kids, plus the work you do—the struggle to get it all done is REAL!

You feel like a train wreak
You’re physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, each time you think about the never-ending chores list, you get a bad case of what-about-me-ism.

A Solution
I learned about this one this morning. It’s an app designed to organize you by breaking tasks down into manageable bites (5 minutes increments), so you can get it all done in record time, which frees up time for you!

Moms are firefighters
Moms fly by the seat of their pants [which creates chaos]. They put out the most critical fire at the moment [which creates confusion], and then they attempt to take a breath [trying to reset themselves] so they can move on to the next emotional fire [which creates more chaos], and they do this day in and day out!
No wonder you’re exhausted!

That endless chaos leaves little room for the other chores to get done and leaves NO ROOM for you to relax or focus on your needs.
As it turns out, where you place your focus is a large part of your struggle.

Think of it this way
Suppose you get resentful because it’s your turn to wash the dishes. If you huff and puff and are ready to blow anyone down who looks at you the wrong way, then your focus isn’t on doing the dishes and getting them done; your focus is on resisting washing the dishes. That resistance quickly turns to resentment.
Your resentment is what’s actually stealing your emotional energy— not having to wash the dishes.

The solution?
First download the app, Todoist @ https://todoist.com.
Then, get a pad of paper and walk around your house listing all the chores you have to do. Include business chores and activities if applicable.

Break each chore into task segments versus listing it as “clean this” or “write that.”
Example:
Monday – wash kitchen counter
Tuesday – wash cabinets (mine get grimy)
Wednesday – clean lg. appliance
Thursday – wash stove
Friday – wash the kitchen floor.
Each task takes about 5 minutes, and that’s all you do for that day. Fill it out any way you like.

Why bother
I know this sounds like another January Self-Improvement Tip; however, when you do this, you stop making decisions, which is the #1 complaint women have about having kids—having to make so many decisions. This works.

Why am I suggesting this? I will talk about that tomorrow.
Now, go hug your kids!

The post The Struggle is REAL! appeared first on Proactive Parenting.

Deep Thoughts and Kid Woo-Woo

Sharon Silver — Tue, 29 Nov 2022 21:40:27 +0000

WARNING:
This article does not include or address any physical or intentional emotional abuse—because there’s no excuse or acceptable reason for that, ever.

Unfortunately, there’s a pretty predictable path a child takes after experiencing emotional wounding from a parent.

Not discussing the “HORRIBLE” stuff
Today, I’m talking about the other stuff no one wants to talk about, the emotional words that sting, the labels that ridicule, and the assumptions that prevent growth that wounded you as a child. Holly Harcourt stated this in an Instagram post.

“Unhealed childhood trauma manifests itself as fixing others, codependency, people pleasing, external validation needed, living on high alert, fear of abandonment, deprioritizing your own needs, need to prove yourself, tolerate abusive behavior, attracts narcissistic partners, difficulty setting boundaries.”

We’d all love to ignore the damaging triggers and wounds of childhood.
We all wish ignoring the wounds would dissolve our pain into nothingness so it could fade away.
Even at my age, (which my great-nephew says is older than dirt,) I still carry bits and bunches from that list; we all do. And we all have to release our pain to move past it.

No parent sets out to plant a trigger or create a life-long wound inside their child’s psyche.
No child wants to feel the pain that arrives when a parent’s stinging words label their basic nature.
Nobody wants that pain; it taints how we see our entire world.

Blame
On some level, we all want to blame our parents for our pain.
However, the person who gifted you with your wounds, labels, and triggers was also wounded. The words they unconsciously used that wounded you came from the wounds they received as a child.

When people aren’t guided through the steps and skills needed to address their “big feels”
at an early age, they receive no repeated practice with the life skills required to be in relationships with others. Instead, when they have kids, they tend to repeat what was done to them because they have nothing to replace it with.   
And there you have it, another generation impacted by pain that comes from the wounds of a previous generation. No parent wants that to continue into their child’s generation.

None of us can see clearly or find the right words when triggered by an emotional event.
Most of us find it difficult to say and do the appropriate thing when immersed in the pain from our childhood wounds.

Many believe their parenting will automatically differ from their parent’s because they’re from a different generation. As a result, it rarely occurs to them that their wounds will surface once they become triggered by correcting their child’s behavior.

Why am I talking about this today?
Because the job of parenting itself has a role to play in your emotional growth, parenting has the uncanny ability to be a tripwire for your wounds so you can see them from another point of view, the parental point of view.

That new point of view increases the possibility of forgiving our parents. —Keep reading before you decide I’m nuts.

I never wanted to forgive my parents for my wounds until the day when someone asked me, “How would you feel if your kids never forgave you for the mistakes you made while parenting them?”  I began tearing up as I realized we all make mistakes that stem from our wounds, and errors are there for us to learn from!

I know it’s hard to accept that the loved ones who labeled you, shamed you, and blamed you were wounded too. It’s wonderfully horrible, as my dear friend says.

Can I fix your wounds for you?
Nope. Your wounds are yours and yours to release, and I can promise you that you’ll experience a deep sense of freedom once you release the pain you’ve been carrying with you for years.
What I can do is support you and your kids by providing ways to bridge the gap between being triggered and responding mindfully without compromising your line in the sand. I get it and have been where you are.

That was a big one! And, is all I wanted to share today.
Happy post-Thanksgiving. Now, go hug your kids.
Sharon

The post Deep Thoughts and Kid Woo-Woo appeared first on Proactive Parenting.

What to Say when it’s Time to be Honest about Santa.

Sharon Silver — Thu, 17 Nov 2022 20:21:44 +0000

Santa is Everywhere
Santas are everywhere you look during the holiday season, which can confuse children. Each holiday message, story, commercial, and toy catalog have a different-looking and sounding Santa somewhere in the ad or story.

Seeing so many Santas inevitably brings up the question,
“Is Santa real? And if Santa is real, which Santa is real?”

No parent sets out to lie to their child about Santa.
And no parent wants to burst the magical bubble that makes the holiday season so precious.

Where do you stand?
Maddy, a mom considering how to answer her child’s questions, told me that some parents even refrain from telling their kids the Santa myth because they don’t want to lie. How do you explain Santa to your children? Let us know in the comments.

Changing the Myth to Authentically Explain
You want to be a mindful, authentic parent, but that can create a problem during the holidays. You don’t want to continue the myth of Santa, but you don’t want to destroy the season’s magic, either. So you need to find a way to explain who Santa is and what he does honestly and authentically. If that’s what you’re looking for, then you’re in luck.

Before you write an angry comment, please know that I respect your belief system, whatever that may be. I am not trying to change anyone’s beliefs or rituals about the holidays. This article is simply for those looking for a way to update the Santa myth.

First, Let Me Set This Up
Several years ago, I read a New York Times piece that addressed the Santa myth perfectly. I knew in my bones this description was destined to become a classic. So I contacted the writer, Martha Brockenbrough, and received permission to republish her piece.

Why This Letter was Written
Martha’s daughter, Lucy, had discovered the truth about Santa, which “left her mother grappling with how to explain that belief.” Mom decided to address this issue in a letter. The following letter was so well received that the author turned it into a holiday storybook.

The Letter Explaining Santa
Dear Lucy,
Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”
I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.
The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.

I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)

I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the Christmas magic stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.

This won’t make you Santa, though.

Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.

It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents, and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.

Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.

With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.

So, no, I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.
I love you, and I always will.
Mama

I don’t know about you, but I adore this answer.
If you’d like a copy for your family holiday storytelling, the book’s name is Love, Santa; When you’re ready to share the Beautiful Truth About Santa. By Martha Brockenbrough

I release this each year before Thanksgiving so that when the moment arrives, and it will, you’ll have had time to think about your honest and authentic response to the Santa myth before the holiday arrives.

Happy parenting, everyone.
Now go kiss your kids!

The post What to Say when it’s Time to be Honest about Santa. appeared first on Proactive Parenting.