Professor Fatology Answers Your Questions on Fat

How Can I Be Fat Without Being Fat?

2015-11-18T11:50:00.001-08:00

Hi Professor,

I've been a member of this community for a while now (nearly 4 years, since I was 18 or so). I've found it hard understanding and accepting this part of myself, and recently I've been having some counselling to help me with it, which has been very helpful. I thought it would be a good idea to both share my experience with other members of the community and get a different perspective on my situation.

I've known for a long while that I've wanted to be fat, but I only feel this way when I'm turned on. When I'm not I enjoy being the size I am, the weight I am, how I look. I also find it difficult to gain weight anyway, what with my metabolism, and I don't really like food, so me getting fat is out of the question, at least for now.

Having said this, weight gain features prominently in my life, so much so that when masturbating I only ever picture myself, fatter, never other people. This however has left me so unfulfilled sexually. How can I be happy with my thin self (which I know I want to be "rationally") when my sexual desires tell me to be something completely different? How can I feel sexually fulfilled while being thin?

* * * * * * *

I don’t know if this is a solution looking for a problem. In other words, most people seek help because they’re unhappy with their situation and are hoping to change that situation. While you are interested (particularly on an erotic level) in being fat, you state when you’re not in “erotica mode” you are satisfied with your current body.

As near as I can tell from your questions, you’re not asking me how you can change your body. Just so, you have found a way to meet your needs by fantasizing yourself fat (or in the process of fattening) while you masturbate. This can be thought of “having your cake, eating it too, and not worrying about calories.

In situations like yours, my only concern--because I’m, after all, a Family Therapist specializing in Couples--so all of my training was focused on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. One of the challenges of focusing on masturbation (as you describe it) is that it currently excludes having a partner. That means you’re setting up a “baseline” of sexual expression that is only about you and your (imagined) fatness. This could lead to potential problems in being with a partner because you’re establishing a strong “script” that you’ve learned to follow. You “get ready;” you see yourself fat/fattening in your “mind’s eye;” you satisfy yourself. At this point, there’s no particular need for a partner, so if and when you have one, you’ll have a “learning curve” to deal with where you deviate from your established script and will have to learn a new skill set to both provide for and receive from—a partner. However, you self-identify as a “gray asexual,” which you define as “meh,” with the idea of having a partner. You indicate you could be with a partner, particularly a “hot” and well-bellied guy, but it hasn’t been something intriguing enough for you to actively pursue. This means we’re back to a solution without a problem. You’ve managed to get your needs met in a way that doesn’t harm (but doesn’t necessarily enrich) another person.

As a therapist, I was taught to look for a “noble intention,” which drives behaviors that outsiders might see as “odd,” or even “unacceptable. Most people don’t fantasize being fat or fattening up, except in “kinky” communities like this one. You are listed as being at 16% body fat and your profile photo shows you as not being overly muscular. It may be that one of your noble intentions is that for a brief amount of time, your masturbation fantasy allows you to feel desirable (since you “magically” become the body you admire). For many males, “big” is also associated with being “powerful,” and in my experience someone just entering into adulthood may not always feel particularly “powerful” (or independent), so imagining yourself “big” makes sense to me. It also can provide you a sense of “control” over your life/body during those stressful times when you don’t feel as if you’re in control.

Also, humans tend to make mental functioning as “streamlined” and “foolproof” as possible. Once you have created your masturbation fantasy, you can efficiently “activate it” and achieve self-pleasure. The disadvantage of doing so means you’re consistently reinforcing the same sexual fantasy which can make you less flexible in terms of incorporating other sexual elements—which could include a partner. But again—if you are comfortable as a gray asexual—you’re not going to be very motivated to change what it is you’re doing, since you’re meeting your needs.

I might suggest—if you’re interested in expanding (pun) your experience rather than your body, you might consider non-corporal changes, such as experimenting with padding, or doing morphs of your own photographs. I suspect you’re relatively visually -driven by your personal eroticism, which is probably one of the reasons you frequent a gainer site. Padding and morphs might give you additional elements you can incorporate into your masturbation fantasies and the physicality of padding--particularly if you use “weighted” padding—a friend of mine explained he would take a neoprene bodysuit (used by those who like to surf or dive in cold water, cinching it very tight with a belt and then using a hose to fill it with water. The neoprene “stretches” so you end up not only with the “look” of a fat guy, but the “heft” of one as you move around. The experience of the “extra weight” is something you can’t really fully experience with your imagination—but the experience can further fuel your fantasies of what it “feels” like to be fat. That might help you "fulfill" your sexuality even as you keep fitting into your skinny jeans.

I think the “takeaway” for readers is that people “solve” their lives in a variety of ways. Your solutions appear to be working for you, and I’m a fan of “not fixing what’s not broken.” But your approach may not meet the needs of those who aren’t gray asexuals. I should probably mention a large (the puns write themselves) number of gainers report fantasizing being fatter, fattening up, or imagining the same of a partner—plays a major role in not only their masturbation fantasies but in their actual sex play with a partner. I often am told by gainers how they find it difficult to achieve erection with a slender partner unless they fantasize their partner fat, or “substitute” the actual partner with the fantasy of one that is more sexually appealing (i.e., fat).

Always happy to hear from someone who’s been able to get his needs met, particularly if it’s not in a conventional manner.

New Professor Fatology Tumblr

2015-07-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

After enjoying the tumblr sites of many others, I decided to create one of my own. I've also been busy creating a series of "Motivational Posters" and "Belly Memes" to use on the site.

Find it here: ProfessorFatology-Pix.tumblr.com

I Want To Gain--But...

2015-07-28T06:34:00.003-07:00

Hi Professor,

First I should say that I know you from your blog, which was for me a sort of introduction to the gaining process. Thanks for making it because it helped me to realize that I was not the only one excited about gaining.

I could tell you more about my story if you like. But to make it short, I have always been overweight. I'm now trying to deal with gaining intentionally... I'm growing it's a fact, and I'm excited about gaining and being fatter. And then there is the real life that makes me consider that I shouldn't. The problem is that I'm really excited about gaining. The more I think about it the more I wish to become fatter and fatter. It's a kind of inner pulse and I don't know how to deal with it.

So if I write this message it's because I'm lost in my desire and my feelings. I'm not the kind of guy who talk a lot about himself and who likes to write and share about his feelings. But for the first time in my life I think I need help to understand what happen to me.

I don't want to bother you but if you have advice or if you care to share with me that would be great. It seems that you have experience and that would be helpful for me.

Thanks for reading my message.

* * * *
Thank you--it means a lot to me when people find my work helpful. There's a saying: "What you resist will persist." That means the harder you try to "stop" doing something (like gaining) the more attention you pay to what you're trying to reduce or eliminate. We have another teaching in therapy: "Negation exists only as a linguistic concept--it's not how our brains process information."

For example, if I say, "Don't think of the color blue!" What's the first thing you think of? To make sense of something, our brains need to think about it as it exists. Just so, the very act of telling yourself you're NOT going to gain means you focus on gaining. If you were actually wanting to lose weight and you were my patient, I'd want you to focus on what you DO want to accomplish rather than on what you DON'T want to accomplish.

You're also challenged by the fact eating is an everyday human function you need for survival. This is why a lot of therapists are uncomfortable with the concept of "food addiction" the way we think about, say--drug or alcohol addiction. If you eliminated the consumption of recreational drugs or alcohol, it won't harm you (other than if you have to go through a temporary withdrawal)--but you can't just stop eating on a permanent basis.

So--I'd probably suggest you circle back to consider what your desired outcome is. Having talked with a lot of individuals in your situation, it often comes back to not feeling bad about gaining--in fact, for a lot of people, gaining is an erotic and sensual sensation. What more people feel bad about is their perception others will reject them because they are gaining/have gained weight. Those are two very different issues, and require different approaches. Given the increase of obesity in First World nations, being larger is simply becoming the norm. As a therapist I've also found that most people spend a lot more time trying to figure out what others think of them than the actual people do. In other words, the vast majority of the population of your city and country don't know that you're gaining weight (why would they? You're a stranger to most people and they have no point of reference when they pass you on the sidewalk or in a store--they just see you as you are now). People you do see on a daily basis often don't notice initial weight gain because it tends to be gradual. If you were to gain twenty pounds in one month, that might be noticed, but a lot of your co-workers, and other peers just don't notice or care, and if they do, it's usually a momentary teasing rather than something they're going to do everyday while pointing a finger at you. I've also suggested to many who have written in to me that they learn to bring up the subject of weight-gain themselves, rather than waiting for others to do so. It's much more into the gainer's control to do so, and gives the gainer the opportunity to teach others they are happy with the gain. There's also a human tendency to "push back" so if I arrive to keynote a conference in Amsterdam and I open by saying, "What a beautiful city Amsterdam is" then there will be some audience members whose immediate response would be "What's wrong with Paris? What's wrong with Rome?" Just so, if you say, "Yeah, I bet I've gained 100 pounds since Easter!" --the response will often be, "Oh, you haven't gained that much!" This is a really useful technique to get others past the point of criticism to the point of telling you that you're NOT THAT FAT, which pretty much eliminates the problem of feeling judged for gaining.

I've also found a lot of "troubled" gainers become more comfortable about gaining as they get older. You list your age as 40. By the late 30s into the 40s, most men have developed a stronger sense of self which means they aren't as dependent upon others' opinions. They're also often financially at a point of greater independence, not having to rely on family for food and shelter, which means their wallets put them in control of their waistline and the need to buy larger pants. Related to this--I've never met a single gainer who told me, "I'm so happy I delayed gaining, even though it was something I knew I've wanted to do from childhood." What I do hear frequently is: "I wasted YEARS of all the pleasure and eroticism I could have enjoyed if I had stopped worrying about what others thought about my waist size instead of just gaining to please myself."

Also, you mention you're not someone who likes to talk about himself a lot. It's important that if you use the "hyper-exasperation technique" ("I must have gained 100 pounds since Easter") that you don't do it everyday and that you don't go into detail about it. Most of the people around you aren't interested in your kinks and sex life. The technique is something you'd use rarely--perhaps if you're seeing relatives at an event you don't see on a regular basis who only know you as a smaller person, or in a gathering of your co-workers where you joke about it once. You don't have to mention it at every meeting and workers who didn't hear you directly will probably be told about it by those who were there. The bottom line for this is that people are made aware that you are conscious of the fact you've gained weight and that you're happy about it. They aren't owed an explanation. It always comes back to -- your body--your rules.

Good luck!

My Gainer Fiction

2015-05-04T15:24:00.002-07:00

People have asked about my gainer fiction. I had already posted about Fat Cupid. Amazon adult filtered two of them because the covers were too hot and I had to tone down Fat Cupid and Ballet Belly Bottom 2. As long as I was at it, I went ahead and did a new cover for Ballet Belly Bottom. At the present time Fat Cupid is only available on Amazon, but the Ballet titles are on other book vendors. And because Amazon is often crazy, Chubby Chaser Sex, that combines all three of the titles is NOT available on Amazon, but is on the other places. I'll put up the old covers at the bottom of the post.

Ballet Belly Bottom
Paul discovers the hottest sex he's ever had was when his boyfriend Jim convinces him to wave goodbye to his 29 inch waist and potential ballet career for unrestrained gluttony. Jim's secret fetish as an encourager gets them spending almost more time in the bedroom than the kitchen. Paul's ever-growing gut also has an unexpected carnal impact on his Dance Professor.(An Adults only tale of two hot college students engaged in explicit gay sex while exploring their secret fat fetish and the seduction of indulgence. A belly is an erogenous zone that only gets bigger.)

Excerpt:

Jim came back in with a wide smile and an even wider slice of pizza. "Let's see how fast we can build up that belly, Babe." After four slices and two more beers, Paul was lying on his back, rubbing his hands on the swollen part of his small belly. "God, I've never been so full," he said. "I don't think I could eat another bite."

Jim took out another piece and started smearing it on his lover's belly, leaving a trail of grease and a little cheese. Looking into Paul's eyes, Jim started licking his belly, very, very slowly, feeling his own cock get hard as his tongue played with the roundness of Paul's stuffed gut, and enjoying the mixture of the pizza's taste with Paul's saltiness. He could smell the combination of his lover's mustiness coming up from his crotch and the pizza, and he found he was getting harder and harder. He took a bite out of the pizza and pushed it into Paul's mouth with his tongue.

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Ballet-Belly-Bottom-Gainer-Fiction-ebook/dp/B00B2PD7GQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1430775577&sr=1-1&keywords=ballet+belly+bottom

Apple/Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id600730515

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/ballet-belly-bottom-skye-eagleday/1114191144?ean=2940016364834&itm=1&usri=2940016364834

Ballet Belly Bottom 2

Life (and non-stop sex) with his boyfriend has never been better for former ballet student Paul. Nearly a year ago he joined his lover in a seeing how fat they could get and how each pound increases the pounding Paul gets. But they're about to discover there's a whole community of gainers and chubby chasers out there where "more cushion for the pushin'" is a way of life. Get ready for two college guys having hot sex with a real superchub. An adults only story that includes a threeway with Big Bob. There's also a "guest appearance" by the two main characters from Fat Cupid--, my first Gainer Fiction story.

Excerpt:

The next morning Jim was in the kitchen fixing breakfast. “We’re out of sausage, babe,” he said as Paul sat down at the table. “Hope you don’t mind bacon with your waffles instead.” A ripping sound pulled Jim’s eyes away from the bacon as he watched Paul’s shirt tear, surrendering to his gut. “Damn!” swore Jim, as he sat the bacon beside his lover. “I wanted to capture you ripping that shirt for our Youtube channel. I checked before I started the waffles—do you know we’re now up to 17,000 subscribers and have over 200,000 hits? Who knew we’d become Internet stars. I figure we gain about 1,500 fans per pound.”

Paul felt the shredded edge of his ruined shirt and laughed. “Then let’s see if you can personally attract 2,500 new fans by the end of the week. This time I can upload a video of YOU ripping your shirt with that new flab you’re building.”

“Hey,” answered Jim, his mouth full of bacon, “one of the most popular videos is when I pulled up my last pair of gym shorts and my fat ass broke the elastic waistband.”

“Lucky thing your ass has grown so big your shorts didn’t fall down when the elastic broke. Otherwise we’d now be on Xtube with our Youtube account deleted.” Paul poured a weight-gain shake for Jim and handed it to him. “I think the solution is to get your belly big enough so it hangs down and viewers won’t be able to see if you’ve got underwear on or not.”

Jim chugged the sweet shake and looked over at his lover. “Think that can happen?” Jim’s voice took on that old familiar husky quality.

“As long as Haagan-Dazs stays in business—sure. And at the rate we buy their products, they’re going to stay in business for a long time. That’s the gift of flab. I’ll just get rounder, but you’ll get a proper fat apron.” They clinked their glasses together and made sure Haagan-Dazs would be a good business in which to invest.

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Ballet-Belly-Bottom-Skye-Eagleday-ebook/dp/B00B1YWZZM/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1430776461&sr=1-1&keywords=ballet+belly+bottom+2

Apple/Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id600868233

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/ballet-belly-bottom-2-skye-eagleday/1114191149?ean=2940016393834&itm=1&usri=2940016393834

Chubby Chaser Sex

Belly Up

In a world where the media pushes the ideal of a ripped six-pack abs model, there are others who secretly admire a well-bellied man. Some find every pound of flesh that represents an over indulgence can be erotic. Some want to be fat themselves—others want to help a lover outgrow his clothes. The bigger he is—the more there is to love—on so many different levels. Chubby Chaser Sex Belly Up is a sizzling sexy and tasty collection of three stories of man on man action where one or both (or more) believe that “More Cushion For The Pushin" is a lifestyle that celebrates gluttony and the pleasures of the flesh—lots of flesh. (Includes Fat Cupid, Ballet Belly Bottom, and Ballet Belly Bottom 2. An Adults only collection of carnal pleasure that is extremely well padded with an emphasis on gaining.

Excerpt:

Jim came back in with a wide smile and an even wider slice of pizza. "Let's see how fast we can build up that belly, Babe." After four slices and two more beers, Paul was lying on his back, rubbing his hands on the swollen part of his small belly. "God, I've never been so full," he said. "I don't think I could eat another bite."

Jim took out another piece and started smearing it on his lover's belly, leaving a trail of grease and a little cheese. Looking into Paul's eyes, Jim started licking his belly, very, very slowly, feeling his own cock get hard as his tongue played with the roundness of Paul's stuffed gut, and enjoying the mixture of the pizza's taste with Paul's saltiness. He could smell the combination of his lover's mustiness coming up from his crotch and the pizza, and he found he was getting harder and harder. He took a bite out of the pizza and pushed it into Paul's mouth with his tongue.

Apple/Itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id597875957

Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chubby-chaser-sex-belly-up-skye-eagleday/1115426387?ean=2940015947687&itm=1&usri=2940015947687

Kobo: https://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/chubby-chaser-sex-belly-up-1

And the one that started it all:

Fat Cupid

Novelist Kevin Bannister is looking forward to finally having sex with men, after his marriage ends. But he worries the extra pounds he’s gained will stop his entry into hot man on man action before it starts. Little does he know there are guys who want a fat man—the fatter the better. Join Kevin in a seductive journey of non-stop indulgence and where the softer he gets, the harder his jock feeder gets. (An adults only sexy tale of a hot chubby guy who is on the fat train to erotic pleasure.)

Excerpt:

Kevin reached up and put his hand on John's...pulling it tighter against his belly, pushing against the softness...he felt the younger man's hand tracing his roll of fat and noticed that his eyes were wide and a really goofy smile was on his face. "Maybe you'd, you know...like to come over for dinner tonight?" John asked Kevin's fat. "I do some really rad pork chops...and I..." John jerked his eyes away from the dark wetness on Kevin's shirt and looked up worried into Kevin's face. "...I mean if you're Jewish or something, I hope that that didn't like, offend you...I could do a couple of steaks or something..." Their hands were still touching...

"Nah," said Kevin, his voice a little gruff..."Pork chops sound great...dinner sounds great." He looked at the half-consumed double mocha latte and then back at John. "...and hmmm, you look great." John's smile got even goofier.

"Eight?" he asked?

"Well," said John nervously, "I'm actually closer to six...."

"I meant the time."

"Huh? Oh, yeah--eight o'clock is just fine."

"And, well, closer to six is just fine too...look, John--I'm really excited by this"--and John glanced down to see that Kevin was telling the truth..."I mean, I just wanted to let you know this is all sort of new for me...my wife and I have been separated now for only a few months, and well..."

"Hey, Kevin...I'm just looking forward to seeing you...make sure you bring your appetite." He finally took his hand off Kevin's midsection to reach into his wallet and pull out a card with his address and phone number.

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Cupid-Gainer-Erotica-Skye-Eagleday-ebook/dp/B00B1YE6R2/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=0B8RB5K51M34PFTDAW4D

"Dad Bod Bellies"

2015-05-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Here's something interesting--reportedly, women are choosing better fed men over males who look like they're trying to be fitness models.

In case you haven't noticed lately, girls are all about that dad bod. I hadn't heard about this body type until my roommate mentioned it. She used to be crazy over guys she claimed had the dad bod. After observing the guys she found attractive, I came to understand this body type well and was able to identify it. The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, "I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time." It's not an overweight guy, but it isn't one with washboard abs, either.

The dad bod is a new trend and fraternity boys everywhere seem to be rejoicing. Turns out skipping the gym for a few brews last Thursday after class turned out to be in their favor. While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive. Here are a few reasons that girls are crazy about the dad bod:

It doesn't intimidate us.
Few things are worse than taking a picture in a bathing suit, one being taking a picture in a bathing suit with a guy who is crazy fit. We don't want a guy that makes us feel insecure about our body. We are insecure enough as it is. We don't need a perfectly sculpted guy standing next to us to make us feel worse.

We like being the pretty one.We love people saying "they look cute together." But we still like being the center of attention. We want to look skinny and the bigger the guy, the smaller we feel and the better we look next to you in a picture.

Better cuddling. No one wants to cuddle with a rock. Or Edward Cullen. The end.

Good eats. The dad bod says he doesn't meal prep every Sunday night so if you want to go to Taco Tuesday or $4 pitcher Wednesday, he'd be totally down. He's not scared of a cheat meal because he eats just about anything and everything.

You know what you're getting. Girls tend to picture their future together with their guys early on. Therefore, if he already has the dad bod going on, we can get used to it before we date him, marry him, have three kids. We know what we are getting into when he's got the same exact body type at the age of 22 that he's going to have at 45.

So there you go. A simple break down of why girls everywhere are going nuts over this body type on males. We like it. We love it. We want some more of it. So here's to you dad bods, keep it up. Men, confidently strut that gut on the beach because while you stare at us in our bikinis we will be staring just as hard.

http://theodysseyonline.com/clemson/dad-bod/97484

Free from 3/24-28/2015: Fat Cupid Gainer Erotica

2015-03-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

Amazon "Adult Filtered two of my Gainer Erotica Titles because the

covers were too hot. I had to revise them. As a promotion, I'm putting one of them as a free download for 5 days. After that, it goes back to its regular price. You can download it here: http://www.amazon.com/Cupid-Gainer-Erotica-Skye-Eagleday-ebook/dp/B00B1YE6R2/ref=sr_1_2?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1427202116&sr=1-2&keywords=fat+cupid

Novelist Kevin Bannister is looking forward to finally having sex with men, after his marriage ends. But he worries the extra pounds he’s gained will stop his entry into hot man on man action before it starts. Little does he know there are guys who want a fat man—the fatter the better. Join Kevin in a seductive journey of non-stop indulgence and where the softer he gets, the harder his jock feeder gets. (An adults only sexy tale of a hot chubby guy who is on the fat train to erotic pleasure.)

Excerpt:

Kevin reached up and put his hand on John's...pulling it tighter against his belly, pushing against the softness...he felt the younger man's hand tracing his roll of fat and noticed that his eyes were wide and a really goofy smile was on his face. "Maybe you'd, you know...like to come over for dinner tonight?" John asked Kevin's fat. "I do some really rad pork chops...and I..." John jerked his eyes away from the dark wetness on Kevin's shirt and looked up worried into Kevin's face. "...I mean if you're Jewish or something, I hope that that didn't like, offend you...I could do a couple of steaks or something..." Their hands were still touching...

"Nah," said Kevin, his voice a little gruff..."Pork chops sound great...dinner sounds great." He looked at the half-consumed double mocha latte and then back at John. "...and hmmm, you look great." John's smile got even goofier.

"Eight?" he asked?

"Well," said John nervously, "I'm actually closer to six...."

"I meant the time."

"Huh? Oh, yeah--eight o'clock is just fine."

"And, well, closer to six is just fine too...look, John--I'm really excited by this"--and John glanced down to see that Kevin was telling the truth..."I mean, I just wanted to let you know this is all sort of new for me...my wife and I have been separated now for only a few months, and well..."

"Hey, Kevin...I'm just looking forward to seeing you...make sure you bring your appetite." He finally took his hand off Kevin's midsection to reach into his wallet and pull out a card with his address and phone number.

Share Pictures Of Your Belly For A Good Cause?

2015-01-26T12:41:00.000-08:00

Since I started this blogsite, I've had nearly half a million views. I have been overwhelmed by the positive response and feedback from visitors and private messages on various gainer sites letting me know they have found my blog useful and that I've helped them with some problems.

One of my friends in the gaining community contacted me to say this site had gone down. I have no idea why that happened, or how long it was down (and it was when I tried to log on). I contacted the host and it's on-line again. But I dreaded the idea of trying to start a new one from scratch. However, I've been concerned about losing it again, particularly because it has meant a lot to people who have let me know it's answered many of their questions.

Just so, I've decided to publish this in ebook form and offer it for free. That should keep it available to others and perhaps even easier to read in an ebook format. It would be available to download on Amazon, B&N, Itunes, and other vendors.

However--I've always "illustrated" (enhanced?) the blog with images I've found and saved from the Internet for more than a decade. I frankly have no idea where most of them are from. I started before Tumblr was a reality, so I don't have a good way of trying to contact the people in the images to ask for their permission to use their photos. For that reason I'm asking for volunteers to send me their own pictures they would be willing to share in the new ebook. If you want to crop off your face or other identifying items (like a tattoo)--that's fine with me. I'm especially interested in progress shots and images of happy couples (both m/m and m/f--I get a lot of questions from straight male gainers asking if having a belly will mean not having a girlfriend --and the answer to that one is also "no."). As I do with this blog, I'd also like to present a wide (yes--that's a pun) variety of body shapes and sizes and I'm always happy to feature men of color, since people like me (I'm American Indian) are rarely shown on so many of the gainer sites. I'm a strong supporter of inclusion.

If you are willing to volunteer images of your belly to use in the new ebook, I would also appreciate it if you could include a statement you are giving me permission to use them in the new ebook with the understanding that the book will be offered free of charge, so there will be no financial compensation (for either of us). You can PM them to me on Grommr (ProfessorFatology) or email them to me: ProfessorFatology@gmail.com

If you're unfamiliar with epublishing--normally indie authors buy the publishing rights for images from photostock agencies. Unfortunately, the vast majority of images of well-bellied men available on those sites are intended to be comedic ("Let's make fun of the fat guy!") or Shame-based ("Join the gym and get rid of this awful gut!"). Just try to find a sexy or confident looking male plus sized model on those sites. Which is why I have so appreciated the Internet for helping me discover the images I have used on this blog. But to make sure I am squeeky clean when it comes to publishing an ebook, I am uncomfortable in using most of the images on my blog. I want to feature people who are giving permission to be seen.

I also apologize for not updating this blogsite as often as I should. In the summer I was walking to the grocery store and a kid pulled out of the parking lot and hit me. I'm told I shattered his windshield with my body. He fractured my spine and tore my meniscus, among other injuries. My recovery has taken longer than I had anticipated and my "down time" has really thrown off my work schedule.

I look forward to creating the ebook and I want to thank in advance all the wonderful people who will help make this a reality. I also want to include an acknowledgment to the ones who will share their images, so please let me know how you want to be listed in the ebook. If you have your own tumblr or blog, I'll be happy to include it in the acknowledgment.

Getting Fatter Can Make You Healthier. (Get the Details)

2014-05-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

I get asked many questions dealing with the health related issues of gaining. For example,

most recently a gainer reported the “dreaded” discussion his family has had with him over his “expansion.” This sort of well-meaning “intervention” is usually based on the “sound bites” of how most people receive the news, and these days the 3 minute TV version

simply reads: “Fat is Bad.”

The “truth” is often more complicated than dividing things into “Bad/Good” categories. Science has come to understand human fat as being another type of organ that is extremely active within the body and it produces its own set of hormones. Perhaps most importantly is a growing realization of how much humans can vary in how they deal with weight gain (or weight loss) in their very individual ways. By the way, if fat reduction automatically resulted in greater health, then we would see that those who had their fat

cells “sucked out” (surgically removed through various types of liposuction) would improve their health. But this isn’t what we see in actual research. Physical reduction of body fat doesn’t grant better health to those who have had liposuction.

A new study has been released that shows in specific cases—getting fatter can actually make you healthier. It’s just part of a growing (pun intended) body of research that shows how complex fat can be.

Here are the details and you can find the original source here: http://blogs.plos.org/obesitypanacea/2014/05/26/scienceoffat/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+plos%2Fblogs%2Fobesitypanacea+%28Blogs+-+Obesity+Panacea%29

A new study in obese mice suggests that increasing the growth of fat located under the skin (subcutaneous) actually led to an improvement in glucose tolerance and insulin sensitivity, both precursors to diabetes. The expansion of subcutaneous fat was also associated with a reduction in the fat stored in places that aren’t meant to store fat, such as the liver.

The study, published online at the journal Obesity, induced the growth of subcutaneous fat through hyperplasia (increasing the number of fat cells) rather than hypertrophy (growth of existing fat cells) by injecting “acellular adipogenic cocktails” around the subcutaneous fat depots in obese mice. Ten weeks post-injection, the mice showed evidence of subcutaneous fat expansion and the corresponding metabolic improvements described above.

So, just to recap: obese mice became healthier by getting fatter.

Should we be surprised? Not if you’ve been following our blog over the years.

Let’s do a quick review.

First, it is important to understand that fat, or adipose tissue, which is mostly composed of many individual fat cells (adipocytes) is not inherently unhealthy. To the contrary, adipose tissue is absolutely necessary to allow the body to store excess calories during times when we ingest more calories than we expend through activity and resting metabolism. By doing so, adipose tissue acts as a buffer of excess calories, and thus protects other tissues of the body from accumulating fat (i.e. heart, liver, muscle). This notion is best represented by the fact that individuals who completely lack fat tissue (a disorder known as congential lipodystrophy) are very unhealthy and are almost guaranteed to develop diabetes and heart disease, despite having an athletic and lean appearance.

In other words, fat tissue is essential for health.

Where many people get into trouble is when they have exhausted their body’s ability to store more calories in adipose tissue – we all have a certain threshold to which our fat depots can expand. When we get to that point, our fat cells become so big that they are no longer able to buffer excess calories and thus cannot protect other tissues from fat accumulation and damage. This is when many of the classical metabolic problems of obesity become apparent – increased blood fats, blood glucose levels, etc.

But wait, isn’t losing fat through diet and exercise good for health?

Yes, when we expend more energy (exercise) or reduce the amount of food we ingest (diet), or both, our body draws on our extra stores of energy in our adipose tissue – this process gradually reduces the size of the individual fat cells. That is, fat loss occurs due to a reduction in size of fat cells, not a reduction in the number of fat cells. Not surprisingly, your pants start fitting better. Also, this process makes fat cells more efficient at sucking up excess calories the next time we again eat more than we expend.

What about liposuction?

Fat loss through diet/exercise is completely different from the scenario of liposuction, where a whole bunch of fat cells are removed from the body – that is, you reduce the number of fat cells, but the remaining ones don’t get any smaller or healthier. In fact, the opposite may be true, with less place to store excess calories than before surgery, so enlargement of those fat cells left behind.

In a 2004 study, obese women who underwent abdominal liposuction, losing approximately 30- 45 % of the subcutaneous fat in the abdominal region (~10kg of fat), did not show improvements in any of the metabolic markers assessed, including insulin sensitivity, blood pressure, blood glucose, insulin, or lipid levels.

Just to recap: simply surgically removing subcutaneous fat tissue does not make one healthier.

How about increasing subcutaneous fat stores in obese people? Do they also become healthier like the fat-gaining obese mice?

In a prior study, 12 overweight or obese and metabolically unhealthy subjects were given a drug (Pioglitazone) for a duration of 12 weeks. Pioglitazone belongs to the thiazolidinediones (TZD) class of drugs that seem to upregulate the production of healthy new fat cells (a process known as adipogenesis) – that is they make you fatter. By doing so, these drugs increase the storage capacity of your fat tissue – something that is limited in unhealthy obese individuals.

And that is precisely what happened in these subjects following 3 months of pioglitizone administration. First, they gained about 2kg of body weight. Their amount of subcutaneous fat in the belly went up by about 10% and that in their butt/thigh by about 24%. Interestingly, their amount of dangerous visceral fat decreased by about 11%.

Also, a fat biopsy from the belly of the subjects showed that the increase in fat mass was due to an increase in the number of small and healthy adipocytes (hyperplasia – just like in the mice study) which are better able to take up more circulating fat.

And what happened to their insulin sensitivity?

It improved by over 28%!

That’s right – they got fatter and yet healthier. Just like the mice.

As we have attempted to highlight over the years, fat is not inherently unhealthy. Losing fat isn’t always beneficial nor is gaining it always detrimental to health. Matters related to excess fat and health risk are much more nuanced than previously thought.

Peter

References:
1. Qiqi Lu et al. Induction of adipocyte hyperplasia in subcutaneous fat depot alleviated type 2 diabetes symptoms in obese mice. Obesity. 2014
2. Klein S. et al. (2004). Absence of an Effect of Liposuction on Insulin Action and Risk Factors for Coronary Heart Disease New England Journal of Medicine, 350, 2549-2557
3. McLaughlin, T et al. (2009). Pioglitazone Increases the Proportion of Small Cells in Human Abdominal Subcutaneous Adipose Tissue. Obesity.

Does an Encourager or the Internet "turn" a guy into a Gainer?

2013-10-13T17:40:00.002-07:00

Narrowing this into a question is going to be tricky...

You helped me understand my 'fetish development' may likely be started by having a formative experience while coming into sexuality (with the husky guy in my high school gym class). This initial mind-mapping/hard-wiring explains the beginning, but now I'm wondering if by internet hauntings and the handful of encounters I've had with true gainers has deepened/further developed my 'interests' to the point of "once you go fat (in the encourager sense) you never go back." I wonder if I have warped myself and could not ever really have a successful relationship with a "civilian."

I first described myself as fat-neutral, then chubby-chaser years later, but now I'd say I'm a full-blown encourager, no more excuses. I can't deny that I think I'd be happiest with a gainer, not just a casually fat guy. I have trouble imagining anyone but a genuine gainer as a partner. Just like I've seen someone start off with just a leather cap, then a harness, then into chaps and leather head to toe.

I know if I found Mr Right and he wasn't even fat, I could fall in love with him and have a good relationship, but would always pine for a fattening guy. I'm curious if there is a pattern with other folks that means through life experiences, we keep branching off the main trail until we can't find our way back. We keep having experiences until we deepen our hard-wiring into a rut.

And it leads me to a greater concern I have. I try not to interact internet-wise with sub-25 guys because I fear I may be leading them down one of those side trails by supporting/encouraging them just when they are going through some hard-wiring times themselves. In other words, they post videos or pics on gainers sites, and my responses/encouragements (along with many others) leads them to connect sex with their gaining, something they wouldn't get outside the internet. I fear being responsible for coaxing a young guy into a lifestyle that may endanger his health or reduce his chances of finding happiness in the future. No matter what, the gainer/encourager community is a minority within a minority within a minority.

Science says that anybody who gains a lot of weight fast in their teens/early 20s builds fat cells that always want to be plump, no matter how much they exercise and starve later on. And I think I've found somewhere that being fat/eating fattening things becomes a beta-endorphin producing experience, so together, the body gets 'programmed' into being a gainer both in the brain and in the cells.

I found a video of this young guy (I think he's about 20), that is so enthralling, I see it in my head about every 30 seconds. I don't want to be responsible, but he's so compelling, it's hard to not watch endlessly and drool. If I support him, will my support hard-wire him into only being sexually satisfied as a gainer, while his body at a cellular/endorphin level keeps trying to make him a gainer too? Before I found fat acceptance/gainer stuff on the web, I felt like a unicorn. It's great when we can accept and support each other, but when do we reach the other side of the sword?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Let me first give you a couple of personal disclosures in terms of my own history. Years ago I remember an older woman explaining to me she believed her gay brother was “straight” when he was growing up, but when he left their community to join the military, “something must have happened” because when he returned home he was then gay. This makes perfect logical sense from her perspective, and it also explains why so many extreme conservative types, particularly those representing certain religious sects, fear the LGBT community. They firmly believe their family members were “just fine” and then, damn it, if they didn't “catch gay” from someone who was infected, and if they had only stayed home and had not gone away to work, to join the army, to college—then they would have “stayed normal.”

The other obvious explanation is the woman's brother had always been gay, but didn't feel safe enough to express his true identity in their rural community, and only felt safe enough to come out when he left the community. When he finally returned home, he felt confident enough to be his true self there as well. But for those people who never left “home” to encounter the larger world, their explanation seems real.

I suspect you're making the same sort of illogical/logical connections—that gainers were “standard males” and they “turned into gainers” because they were infected by people like you. Or for that matter—you were a “standard male,” but you got infected by someone—maybe the husky high school student and BOOM! You became an encourager, and/or the guy in your video de jour became a gainer because he discovered a gainer related website.

In my other disclosure, when I began working at our clinic, the Medical Director was a psychiatrist and he was very helpful when I started off with self-doubt that I might make a mistake and “break” a patient—or more precisely, make the patient worse. He told me patients tend to respond to therapy in a very predictable way. About one third of them get better, about one third of them stay the same, and about one third of them get worse. Later on in my career, very large research studies were done in substance abuse treatment, and we discovered a huge population of people who never went through therapy at all—but still got better.

The other thing he told me was that as therapists, upon the whole, we don't have nearly as much of an influence on an individual patient as we'd like to believe.

I suspect you may be “over-thinking” this, and end up believing you have a much bigger influence on younger guys (or guys in general) than you really do. Did these young adults “morph” into gainers because they met “pervy” older guys like you and if they had only stayed home and with no Internet access, they would have remained at 18% body fat, or would have continued to be jocks?

I think the reality is much closer to what happened to the man who went into the army and “came home gay.” The Internet and college (and the military, btw) or relocating for a new job simply gave a lot of people the freedom to more fully express themselves outside of the restrictions they felt at home. As a Family Therapist, I feel there are definitely some children who are strongly influenced by growing up in families where one or both of the parents had a real hang-up about body fat that was from a systems perspective, no different than them growing up in a household where alcohol abuse was part of their history and the rule was “You won't even burp a beer in this house.” You know what the two best predictors are for you becoming an alcoholic? The first is growing up in an alcoholic family. The second best predictor is growing up in a tee-totaling household.

This is because from a systems perspective, there is no difference between the two—they are simply the opposite ends of the same pole. Now, pulling back for a bigger picture, it may well be one or both parents came from fat families and one or both desired to be fat as well, but for a number of reasons, became fixated on the idea that “fat was evil' (hope all of you see how you can substitute “fat” for a lot of other conditions that get demonized and the fight against what you desire can screw up your life in a major way). That gives a real “mixed message” to the kid growing up—that fat is “wrong/bad/stupid/crazy/evil” and you have to guard yourself at all times because your destiny is to become fat/sinful/turn gay.

IMPORTANT! One of the hardest things to do when writing about this stuff is trying to avoid a pathological slant on gaining/fat. It's so easy to compare it to being prone to substance abuse because general Western society has brainwashed us to think this way. Substance abuse (as opposed to use—I'm talking about when it gets to the point of interfering with one's life, as opposed to someone who has a glass of wine with dinner) can be pathological. Many believe people with addictive potential will suddenly become addicts from the “first sip of alcohol,” or the “first toke” of pot. This is so ingrained by the media and society, it's easy to “make the jump” and falsely see a cause and effect relationship in other parts of one's life—which can end up with people in your situation wondering if you are guilty of “corrupting” an innocent by offering him a second piece of cake, and that's equivalent to giving an alcoholic their first drink. These are really very different issues.

In some of the more recent areas of research, some scientists are suggesting we re-think our perception of sexual orientation. Sadly, this also has a basis in pathology. The current stuff is based on working with sexual abuse, particularly with pedophiles. It's so damn hard to get past the pathology.

But this has been an outgrowth of the greater acceptance in society of gay and lesbians, where same-sex orientation is no longer automatically seen as “wrong” or “sick.” It's now accepted that you don't attempt “reparative therapy (i.e., pray away the gay), an approach that has been labeled not only as “quackery” but also as unethical and is now against the law in California (some other states will also make this their law as well) because of the terrible damage it's done to innocent LGBT youth.

What if you saw being a gainer/encourager as a type of sexual orientation? And as I have often suggested, I see a continuum—a spectrum of gaining/encouraging/fat appreciation. There are some people who want to be fat, and others who want a fat partner, but again—it's like being on the same stick, but in a different place. Enjoying another person gaining is structurally no different than enjoying your own gaining. And indeed, some people enjoy gaining and being in a relationship with someone who also enjoys gaining. Some people want to skip the gaining and immediately be fat or have a partner of a certain size. However, it makes sense to lump them all together as part of the gainer community. But it does mean some gainers don't want to be with an encourager who doesn't also want to gain—which as I understand it from our previous discussion, might include your experience.

This also needs to exclude guys who get fat for reasons that are not related to this as part of a “sexual orientation.” This would include people who overeat as a type of self-medication, who are often depressed, or true gluttons who enjoy a lot of good food and little exercise, who would definitely swallow a pill if they could keep their indulgent lifestyle and suddenly have a 30 inch waist—but they don't value a 30 inch waist enough to diet and exercise. For these two groups, because they don't have a “gainer sexual orientation, they don't get an erotic charge out of the flab. This is also why so many gainers have difficulty being in a relationship with a “civilian” because it would basically be like having a gay man doing his best to feel an erotic attraction to a woman.

The metaphor I've often used is a radio. You may be unaware of it, but there can be many stations broadcasting in your area, and you have no way of “tuning in” without a receiver. It may well be for some gainers, they always had the “radio” (the ability to receive) but it was tuned to the wrong station, so they never got a strong signal. Then something changed (for example, they left home) and suddenly they got the signal loud and strong. The point is they were always “primed” to be gainers, but needed a supportive environment. In the Bible, at one point Jesus shares the parable of the seeds—some fall upon stony ground, and others fall upon fertile ground.

If this theory is true, then it's likely you and a lot of other guys were not only “born gay” but also born with a “gainer orientation.” Outside exposure and experience didn't “make you gay,” and didn't “make you a gainer.” I would go back and suggest while from the outside, you might have perceived someone go from one piece of leather apparel to becoming a big old leather daddy, or a leather boy—that individual may not make that connection. Instead they might describe themselves as having always had a “leather mindset,” but needed a supportive environment to manifest their inner self to their fullest potential.

Finally—let's get back to your question of how we “program” our responses. I'm again frustrated at the research I can use as reference is based on pathology. A patient has a paraphilia, and how do we “fix” that? I have always tried to separate gainers from people with paraphilia because by definition, someone with a paraphilia has no direct connection with another human being. They are incapable of sustaining a “standard” relationship. For example, a very common one is called in the lay community a “shoe fetish.” A guy (and it's almost always a male—females tend to have a much lower rate of paraphilias than males) may steal a woman's shoe and masturbate with it. He wants no association with the woman—just with her shoe.

It is statistically likely there are a small number of gainers who have a fat paraphilia, where they don't want or need a partner, and are unable to establish a relationship.

But for the vast majority of gainers, if this is indeed a type of sexual orientation, they are not only capable of forming a healthy relationship—they want one. But if this is indeed a sexual orientation, they may choose partners where having an erotic connection is difficult if not impossible, just like a gay man dating a woman. They can form close emotional relationships, but the sexual component just isn't there.

With a paraphilia, people can become “more efficient” in an erotic process. The mechanism of how this is done is similar to the way you have described playing a video in your mind—the more you do it, the faster it lets you get off. But since you've brought up neurotransmitters, there is a certain limitation in terms of how long you can keep doing this and keep getting the same “pay off.” In medication/drugs this is called “habituation,” where to get the same “high,” you need to increase the frequency, or intensity, just as someone used to getting high with one hit of pot may need to eventually have more to get the same high.

In other words, by the time you read this response, you may no longer be running the particular video through your head on a daily basis, but you may have replaced it with a new one. Six months, or a year from now, if you stumble across the video again, it may spark a much stronger reaction than it did the last time you used when, when you had managed to sort of “wear it out.” There seems to be a certain natural limitation in terms of “obsessing” on an erotic charge. This is also something couples frequently experience, where they get locked into a constant routine and their sexual excitement and expression “gets dull” and they can benefit from sex therapy to get “the old magic” back. This frequently involves changing one or more element of their experience. This might include having sex at a different time of day, or in a different location. If you're masturbating it might also involve using your other hand or a different type of lube.

Finally—this is also moving away from a strict “cause and effect” relationship, where the encounter with your “husky high school guy” made you an encourager. In this model, you were born with a gainer orientation just as you were born gay. The encounter with the high school guy was when everything “came on-line” so you became more fully aware of your “sexual orientation as a gainer” at that particular point in time. It would be interesting if at that point in time, you had “accidentally” gained weight, and found that to be erotic. Would you then have “tipped over” into an actual gainer instead of becoming an encourager? I don't have an answer for this. Based on comments from a lot of gainers, they were aware of the desire to be fat before they were able to gain, just as a lot of adult gay and lesbians “knew” they were gay or lesbian before they had the vocabulary to describe their identity.

But there also seem to be a certain number of college age guys who hadn't really thought about gaining, altered their food intake and level of exercise because of unlimited access to the food hall and giving up sports—plumped up, and found it erotic and decided they wanted to keep fattening up. Maybe this group is the equivalent of “bisexuals,” where it's still an orientation, but perhaps could be described as “more flexible” in terms of being in a relationship. There may be guys who never really thought about gaining, but ended up in a relationship with someone like you and in that supportive environment, found gaining to be erotic.

Let me close by mentioning I have encountered individuals who tried gaining in order to please an encourager or because as you described it, for the first time got a lot of positive encouragement and attention from members of the gainer community. In my personal experience, most, if not all of these people were ultimately unhappy with their body and frequently ended up angry at the gaining community and blamed others for “making them fat.” If you work with the model of gaining as a type of sexual orientation, this makes perfect sense. This would have been like “reparative therapy,” where a non-gainer was placed into a relationship with someone who had the sexual orientation of a gainer—just like a gay man who entered a relationship with a female partner. He can go through the steps of imitating someone with a different orientation—but he can't force himself to become straight—or a gainer.

From the Fat Frontline

2013-08-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

Here's something a lot of you may find useful--a gainer's take on his reality and here's where you can follow him: http://vangain.tumblr.com/:

A guide to coming out of the FA closet and becoming comfortable with yourself

I’d like to clarify before you read this that I don’t claim to be a narcissistic expert of all things fat, merely just somebody who want’s to help people by giving advice and sharing experiences of dealing with life as an FA. This isn’t just a one-way thing, I want to hear from you guys as well. This might be a long post, so brace yourselves.

Being an FA is tough in a society than glamourizes being thin but don’t let that get you down, it’s super fun once you fully embrace it. This lifestyle can be challenging one, especially in your adolescence, but remember ‘THIS IS WHO YOU ARE!’ Liking something that isn’t exactly a societal norm can leave you feeling alienated from friends and family. Some people are blessed with the confidence to go out there and radiate themselves by not being ashamed of being an FA, but for others this is not an option. The fear of being rejected by loved ones is ever present, so your lustful FA feelings are repressed.

If you identify with anything you just read then welcome to coming out of the closet 101.

First off, It’s so awesome that you’re an FA! Lets face it, who wants to cuddle next to a skeletor when you could be with a BBW. You’ve already done the hardest part of coming out of the closet, which is realizing you’re an FA. Sounds simple but some people have no idea what they like.

Although sometimes it may feel like your bursting at the seams with FA pride and want to shout it out from the rooftops in a sort of coming out style parade, pause and take a breath. It may seem that being FA is a big part of your life (and it is) but it is also a PART. It does not define everything about you and it is important to remember this.

Now we know that we like big girls and we’re feeling pumped about it, it’s time to get comfortable with it.

The hardest aspect of coming out of the closet is dealing with the fear of rejection. I grew up in a health conscious family, where being overweight was stigmatized. I was scared of expressing my feelings about being an FA in fear that I would be rejected. It wasn’t until my early twenties that I finally plucked up the courage to come out. I wish I hadn’t of left it so late but I wasn’t comfortable enough with myself at the time.

If you’re not ready to actively start dating BBW’s or to tell somebody about your preference, then I want to help you become comfortable enough with yourself to do so. Finding websites such as Fantasy Feeder or this blog (shameless self promotion) really helped me understand that all my insecurities were unnecessary. These websites may seem daunting at first, but I encourage you to sign up and just lurk until to feel like being part of the online community. I did not have any accepting friends that I felt I could talk to, so these websites were my saving grace. If you have somebody that you can feel like you can talk to about this stuff then do it. It will only build your confidence.

I began to understand myself better but over the years I still felt frustrated with staring at a computer screen. I came to a realization that I needed to embrace my preference in reality and not hide behind the safety blanket of the Internet. This realization can take a long time to manifest so I urge you to take this as your realization and skip the whole wasting time part. I just found repressing my desires was not working for me any more.

Being comfortable with yourself is a journey and it’s not going to happen over night. You need to work at it. I am slightly summarizing some parts of this guide as I’m sure you’re probably getting bored of reading a massive chunk of text.

When I felt comfortable enough with my FA side, I decided it was time to put what I had learnt into effect. I attended a meet up from Fantasy Feeder and was so refreshed to actually meet people in real life. I was amazed at how easy it was to talk to people about my feelings without feeling like I was being judged. One tip for attending meet ups; even though you maybe be super excited, do not go to it early as it only makes your nerves worse when you’re sat there on your own for twenty minutes beforehand.

The next step for me was deciding to tell my parents. I’m not going to lie, you will be bricking it! I was fucking terrified when I did this. There are two ways you can do this. The subtle way and the direct way. You can either start dating BBW’s and everyone will realize that you’re an FA or you can take the announcement route. I felt up for a challenge so I went to the direct approach.

You need to decide what option will be best for you. I feel that you should decide by identifying what type of person you will be coming out to. If the person/people is open-minded I recommend the subtle route because you might as well go out there and get stuck into the dating world. If you feel like the person/people are not so open minded I recommend the announcement route. That way you can have a discussion with them if they have any questions.

It’s a scary thing to do but lighten the mood beforehand with some engaging conversation. This will help as it will make everybody more receptive when you drop the bomb. The way I did it went as followed;

Scene – a summer afternoon around at a casual family dinner

Me - I feel like there is something I need to tell you.

Parents – Your not coming out gay are you?

Me – No, I am coming out about liking fat women though. I was always ashamed about it but now I finally feel comfortable with my preference and myself.

Parents – How big are we talking?

Me – Not the immobile type

Parents – Oh, that’s fine then

THAT WAS IT!!!! After all these years of being ashamed and frightened to admit it to somebody, they didn’t even bat and eyelid. I was left feeling deflated but ecstatic knowing that all my worries and insecurities were for nothing. I have no idea why I felt that my family and friends would reject me just because I was a little different. It goes to show that the old saying of ‘you are but a supporting actor in somebody else’s movie’ is true. People will accept you for who you are and if not then that’s their problem. If you’re still worried about how your parents will react, I whole-heartedly suggest still telling them. They are your parents, they love you and will accept you for who you are. No, ifs or buts, just pluck up the courage and do it. You don’t want to live a lie and you wont regret it, trust me.

I know this has been quite a long post but I will be happy as long as this helps at least one person. Life out of the closet is so much more exciting. I still don’t go around shouting that I am an FA or that I’m getting fat on purpose but I won’t hesitate to tell somebody if they ask. I still regularly attend FA meet ups and have an awesome girlfriend. Life is sweet and I really hope this post helps people who are going through the same thing that I did.

Did Buzzfeed send you? Here's to the fact "True Love" comes in all sizes.

2013-07-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

I just got an email alerting me that Buzzfeed referenced this blogsite in an article on "18 Examples of True Love on the Internet, and a photo from an older post of mine is listed as number two.

If I do get new visitors from Buzzfeed, I only hope people will read through and find acceptance for people who find larger men (and women) to be attractive and desirable, and why, in a society that frequently demeans such individuals, and ridicules those that love them, all people deserve love and respect. In an American reality where over half the population is overweight, such "true love," is actually becoming the norm.

I've also written gainer fiction that touches on the eroticism involved, but under the pen name, Skye Eagleday. These are all three Adult Romances, so be aware they are a bit steamy. In addition, I have a lot more ebooks featuring BBW heroines. You can find more about those on my Skye Eagleday site: www.SkyeEagleday.blogspot.com:

http://www.amazon.com/Fat-Cupids-Mocha-Latte-ebook/dp/B00B1YE6R2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374101652&sr=8-1&keywords=fat+cupid%27s+skye+eagleday

http://www.amazon.com/Ballet-Belly-Bottom-ebook/dp/B00B2PD7GQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374101751&sr=1-1&keywords=ballet+belly+bottom+skye+eagleday

http://www.amazon.com/Ballet-Belly-Bottom-2-ebook/dp/B00B1YWZZM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1374101820&sr=1-1&keywords=bal let+belly+bottom+2+skye+eagleday'

Feederism History 101

2013-07-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

Hello professor, as always your blog is a nice place where I can refresh my mind and learn about this community now I'm bringing you another question more about our community by itself than me individually.

I know that the taste and admiration for the fat has been around since ancient times,and even if today our community still continues to grow, it has only recently begun to exist as such, then, although there has always been a taste for fat people and gaining weight (which may be evidenced by history)the gainer community as we know it has a recent onset (or at least I guess), so when do you might consider the birth of the community itself?, when do we stopped just being a few people to form a real community?.

As you can see I'm interested about the community story, but well there is not much info about it!, so I hope you would help me a bit. Thanks for reading and keep doing your best as always who is really appreciated.

Truly yours:

************************

Dear H,

It's very true fat admiration (in men as well as women) has been part of various human cultures throughout history, and it's probably more significant to ask why American and Western European cultures suddenly “switched” from appreciation of well fed people to feel as if “fat/bad” and “thin/good.”

Some believe it's related to the economy, where for most of human history, being larger meant you were more successful, and being big meant you had access to the resources to give you those curves. This was true across the world, and historically, among the Polynesian People, for example, nobility was expected to be very big, and some African traditional people had “fattening” ceremonies because a large man or woman fit their ideal of beauty.

Biologically speaking, the higher the body fat percentage of a female, the sooner she enters puberty, which is why in the United States, for example, we're seeing girls as young as ten years of age starting puberty. On the other hand, in communities where food is scarce and females have a very low body fat percentage, their puberty is “arrested” and won't happen until their late teens. We also see in certain female athletes (say long distance runners or competitive bodybuilders), when they maintain a body fat percentage under 7%, their menstrual cycles are irregular, and they will have a problem becoming pregnant. Just so, there is most likely a evolutionary imperative to have more fat than less.

Part of the current emphasis on being thin may be directly tied to the “Youth Culture,” where a great deal of money and medical science will focus on how to keep someone looking as young as possible for as long as possible, and being thin or lean is associated with being an adolescent or young adult. Also, especially in the United States, poor people tend to have a higher rate of obesity, so now many people associate fat with being poor, and lean with being rich enough to afford a personal trainer and chef.

When I was teaching at the Kinsey Institute, there was a very interesting collection of erotic art in many different forms, and the art from the late 1800s and before that will often show very rounded women, and men who definitely don't look like men you'd see on the cover of today's fitness magazines.

First of all, people may have an interest in a particular “kink,” but historically will have a problem connecting with others who have a similar “kink,” particularly if it has a stigma attached to it. Also, up until around World War 2, at least in the United States, most people stayed in the area where they were born. That also limited exposure to others who might share the “kink,” or their sexual orientation. A popular British comedian has a routine about being “the only gay in the village.”

But by the mid-1940s-early 1950s, we see a major population shift from rural (agricultural) communities to urban (manufacturing) ones. Because of the War, a young man who might have never traveled 20 miles away from his home town in rural America, surrounded by corn fields, enters the army, get sent to a training center and was then shipped out to a war zone.

For many military men, their first sexual experience was either with another male in his platoon, for example, or with a prostitute (female or male) in a foreign port of call when they had some time off. When the War was over, many of these men returned to the United States, but didn't go “home,” but often stayed in the cities where they received training or shipped out. This might be, for example, San Francisco, San Diego, or New York City. These cities (and others) often became the birth sites of gay communities. It's a little more complicated, where, particularly in San Francisco, it was rather “wild” in the 1800s because of men on their own participating in the Gold Rush, and many “boom towns” immediately set up houses of prostitution because men wanted sex, they had money, and at the time, there was little law enforcement The bottom line—you end up with what we call a “perfect storm,” of horny men, little supervision, and ample opportunity for sexual exploration.

If you were in your little hometown where everyone knows everyone else, you always know someone is watching you and people will gossip about you. But large cities mean you can be anonymous. For many, they won't even know the names of their closest neighbors. This encouraged gay communities (and neighborhoods) at a time when being gay was illegal.

How did people find each other? Gay bars, bathhouses, and what later became known as “personal ads.” As printing costs went down, people also used newsletters and self-printed magazines to make contact with others. In some cases, these were simple xerox copied (or mimeographs—a sort of very cheap printer) “magazines.”

In 1969, an organization was formed for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA), which wasn't intended to deal with “fat kinks,” but that was an unintended consequence. A special interest group split off focusing on what later became known as BBW (Big Beautiful Women) and a number of magazines featuring them were published that would often be found in “Adult Book Stores.”

Similar magazines (and again, many of these began as very amateur (which, btw, the original meaning of “amateur” has the root word of “love,” so while now it often has a derogatory meaning, it used to mean someone was doing something because he or she loved doing it, and not because it was an occupation.) featuring fat men also started being published to meet the needs of gay and bisexual men. There were also specialized gainer newsletters, most coming out in the 1980s. One of the first “slick” or “high gloss” magazines (these are “trade terms that refer to the paper stock used on the cover, where it costs more and looked like professional magazines you'd see, like say, Cosmopolitan or GQ these days. That was Bear magazine,and it was first published in 1987.

Remember, this was before the Internet was easily accessible to the general population. Organizations formed like Girth and Mirth Clubs in the 1970s that brought together large men and their admirers. Organizations like this started in other countries as well, and there are regular conferences, where such clubs or organizations meet together. One of these is called “Convergence” and the 2013 event will be in New Orleans: http://www.convergence2013.com/event/seminars.aspx

When the Internet became more popular, people interested in various “kinks” found each other through “newsgroups” designated as “alt.sex.” There were also something in those days called “Message Boards” that allowed people to connect via the Internet, but that was to really provide telephone contact between those with similar interest. One of the first specifically for gay gainers, for example, was the “Waka Waka” message board in Seattle, Washington.

As the Internet became even more accessible, several sites “evolved” from the alt.sex groups into some sites that are no longer available (such as Gainerweb, or Gainrweb), and those like Bellybuilders.com, and BiggerCity.com, that are still very active. These begat newer ones, such as Beefyfrat.com, and now Grommr and Grommr's new “sibling site” with more of an emphasis on chasers as well as “the chased.”

Parallel to this have been sites primarily focused on BBW, which have in some cases, as with Fantasyfeeder.com, become more gay/bisexual friendly. Just in terms of sheer numbers, because there are more straight men than gay ones, BBW sites may be more financially supported because there are more straight men looking for women than there are gay men looking for other men.

And finally, this is also something I feel important to history. Remember we see that one of the first “professional” magazines for men who liked their men big—was Bear magazine in 1987. Do you know what else was a focus of the gay community at that time? AIDS. Do you know what AIDS was often called in Africa? “The Skinny Disease.” One characteristic of the disease was “wasting syndrome,” where back in the days before our current medical treatments changed HIV from a terminal disease to a “manageable one,” the way, say diabetes, is a “chronic and manageable disease," it was easy to walk down the street in San Francisco and immediately identify someone who had AIDS, at least in the later stages.

This led to a (false, btw) assumption that if you weren't skinny, you didn't have HIV. This coincides with the “growth” of the Bear culture, which while not the same as the gaining community, obviously has a lot of overlap. One of the treatments for AIDS at that time was a doctor prescribing steroids to prevent the loss of muscle mass.

As a result, you can see two responses to “The Skinny Disease”: being fat (in those days, doctors would recommend to their “normal” sized patients to gain at least 15 or more pounds while they had no symptoms, because when they did get sick, their body would have more resources to “fight off” the opportunistic diseases that came with AIDS. In other words, guys who had been told by the gay culture at the time “We value someone with a 29 inch waist,” were told by their doctors, “A 29 inch waist means if you do get sick, you'll be more likely to die than if you are carrying extra weight.” Many of the AIDS related publications and brochures at that time actually carried recipes to help patients get fat(ter).

The other response was to get muscular, and many men who had never been really muscular, found that the steroids they had been prescribed allowed them to obtain bodies that, well, could only usually be obtained from the use of steroids.

On a related topic, if you look back at gay related ads as well as in straight publications before the 1980s, the “desired” image of a male was not a guy who spent time in the gym at all, but was fairly lean. Here are two men from 1960s ad, and one from the movie “Making Of A Male Model” from the 1970s.

After Stonewall, the early 1970s image of gay men switched from a focus on very thin and somewhat femme men to a much more stereotypical “masculine” one, often inspired by the artist, Tom of Finland, so you get what was derogatorily called the “gay clone” that usually included a large mustache and a sort of lumberjack look or like the Leatherman, from a popular gay music group known as the Village People. The steroid treatments allowed a lot of AIDS patients to achieve this look, at least for a certain amount of time.

A lot of the men you and many others admire, often reflect these “unusual roots” of the rebellion against the “femme” stereotypes before Stonewall and gay rights, by the embracing of a more hairy/”masculine” look, and an attempt to avoid looking like you had “The Skinny Disease” by carrying extra weight, or striving for a very muscular body.

And that brings us up to current times, where obesity rates are increasing across the population groups, gay or straight. That makes a bigger belly more of a "norm," where a lot of people don't necessarily feel as much pressure to strive for the old 29 inch waist. The Internet can instantly connect people with similar interests on a global level. For example, in the 1950s, you would have to work very hard to find someone with an erotic interest in gaining—such folks were out there—but they would be difficult to locate, especially if you lived in a rural (and homophobic) area. These days, I enter “Chubby Chaser” into Google, and in .19 seconds, I have 795,000 hits. You can locate guys who don't want to gain, but just want to bloat, or people who are “just” encouragers or are specifically “chubs for chubs.” Again—it wasn't that people with these interests didn't exist before you were born. But we now live in a world where individuals with a specific kink are much easier to find. And finally, the Internet provides a certain level of “protection,” where if you find someone with a matching kink, and they end up not being someone you find of interest outside of the kink—another person is just a click away. Gay bars, by the way, are now declining in numbers because while in the “old days,” they were basically “community centers” and a safe place for gay and bisexual men to meet—many younger men have never even been to a gay bar, because the Internet, or a Grommr meet satisfies their needs.

And they all lived happily ever after. (Which is how I think most histories should end.)

Hot Summer--Hotter Erotica sale (and a free gainer fiction for all visitors to my blog)

2013-07-01T07:20:00.003-07:00

OK--as many of you know, I also write erotica and adult romance under my pen name of Skye Eagleday. I am also one of the only people in the field who publishes professionally about well bellied guys and gaining, although a lot of people write about BBW (including me--BBW titles are among my best sellers, especially if a cowboy or a werewolf or two are involved). My other two gainer titles are Ballet Belly Bottom 2, and Fat Cupid's Mocha Latte. I've put all three stories into a collection called Belly Up! A Collection of Chubby Chaser Sex, which can be found on B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chubby-chaser-sex-belly-up-skye-eagleday/1115426387?ean=2940015947687&isbn=2940015947687

To celebrate the 4th of July holiday, a group of us have banded together to offer a special event--Hot Summer--Hotter Erotica. Authors have put a number of their works on sale at $.99 until the 5th of July, at which point the books will go back to full price. I'm also throwing in a coupon you can use to get a free copy of one of my favorite ebooks--Ballet Belly Bottom. Here's the info you'll need and it will be good until August 1, 2013: Coupon Code: BB29P
Expires: August 1, 2013 (The code is not case sensitive.) Here's the link to the ebook where you can use the coupon: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/272532

Meanwhile, here's the information about the Hot Summer--Hotter Erotica Event:

Hot Summer, Hotter Erotica Sale PLUS Giveaway!

July 1, 2013

Want some steamy erotica and the chance to win a $50 Amazon gift card?

We have some of the best erotica authors offering their stories for no more than 99 cents. Take a look at our sales below and pick up any of the sexy stories that take your fancy. If you'd like to help us spread the word, feel free to use the button below or this poster on any social media websites. (Enter the drawing by going to my friend's website: http://daliadaudelin.com/blog)

Dalia Daudelin

Twitter / Amazon

Skye Eagleday

Blog / Amazon

Sleep Sex, Virgin, Breeding:

Loved By The Cowboy

BBW, Werewolf, Masturbation:

Bree: Wolf Run BBW Supernatural Adult Romance

Pseudo Incest, Dubious Consent, Virgin:

Grab Her Halo Sister Bride (Brother Loving)

William Cooper

Blog / Facebook / Smashwords

M/M, Gay, Brocest, Incest:

Behind the Glory Hole

C. R. Alvery

Blog / Twitter / Amazon

Gay, Virgin, Military:

Barracks Pounding (military, charity, gay erotica, gay, first time)

Dora Livingston

Twitter / Amazon

BDSM, Spanking, Redhead:

Lunch Hour Seduction (An Erotic Lunch for Two)

BDSM, Spanking, Handcuffs, Outdoor:

Backcountry Bondage (Handcuffs, Aspen Switch Give a Spanking Good BDSM Romp)

Billionaire, BDSM, Exhibitionism, Anal:

Evelyn Seduces Her Boss (Billionaire Boyfriend, BDSM, Exhibitionism, and More)

U. R. Knickers

Amazon

Dubious Consent, BDSM, Edge Play:

Demon Sex Doll: One (Dubcon, BDSM, Demon, Edge play)

Dubious Consent, Pseudo Incest, Drugging:

Taking My Little Sister's Virgin Ass (Drugging, Taboo, PI)

Dubious Consent, Lesbian, Straight Sex, Gay Sex:

The Perverted Forest

Angel Starr

Amazon

Reluctant, Gay, Viking, BDSM:

Slave to the Viking (Gay Viking Erotic Romance)

Reluctant, Lactation Fetish, Humiliation:

Milk Money 1: Auctioned Off

Made to Be Milked

Ellen Dominick

Website / Twitter / Facebook / Amazon

Lesbians, virgins:

Chikan: Taken in Public on the Morning Train

Best Friends Forever: A Virgin Lesbian First Time Experience

Monsters, tentacles:

The Tentacle and I

Pandora Box

Website / Twitter / Amazon

Incest, Exhibitionism, Spanking:

Jenny Fucks Her Father (Incest Taboo/Virgin Sex)

Kendra Blossom

Amazon

Lactation:

Service #1 (Milked by the State)

Kitty Velvet

Amazon

Lactation:

Milking Honey

Udderly Horny

Werewolf, Erotic Romance:

Mating The Lone Wolf (Werewolf Erotic Romance Fantasy)

Vivian Wood

Blog / Twitter / Amazon

Paranormal Romance, Shapeshifting:

Shifter In Ascent (Louisiana Shifters Book One)

Promise To Howl (Louisiana Promises)

Don't have a toy to use with these great stories?

How would you like a $50 Amazon gift card? You could use it to buy a vibrator, some butt plugs, or maybe some kinky bed restraints!

Remember you just have until the 4th of July when the books go back to full price! Except my Ballet Belly Bottom, which is yours for free until August 1, 2013, because hey--I like to give you guys a lot of extra helpings :)

Can A Gainer Be Satisfied With A "Civilian?"

2013-05-29T11:45:00.001-07:00

Hey man, I've been following your blog for forever, and I've just got to say its fantastic. You always seem to do a great job of providing thoughtful and balanced answers to people's questions.

I've been dating a guy for 4 years who I've been living with for 2. He is head over heels in love with me, but the feeling isn't mutual. He is a great guy, but I don't love him. He doesn't know I'm a gainer and he's always trying to get me to go to the gym with him "for health reasons". I enjoy his company, we share a lot of the same views on most subjects and the sex is decent, but I just don't feel the same way about him as he does me. I know that this relationship is going to have to change sooner than later. A long sit down style talk is certainly in order. My question is if I or any gainer really, can ever be satisfied by a relationship worh someone outside of this community. (Based on your experience as a psychologist and sex researcher). This has been my only major relationship thus far, up but I find myself wishing I had just told him I was a gainer before things got more serious. I'm not saying that the reason I don't love him is because he isn't an encourager, but I can't help but wonder if that would somehow make up for the emotional gap between the two of us. I'm sure you're busy, but if you could find the time to get back to me about this I'd be really grateful.

* * * *

One of the things that struck me was a comment made by a radio psychologist several years ago. A guy had called in and expressed concern about his fiancee, and how he was worried if he was making the right decision. The (female) psychologist got a bit snarky and made the generalization men always had the attitude “Yeah, this relationship is good, but what if tomorrow I walk into the bank or a store and meet the right one?” Then she said women look at their partner and think, “I can change him.” So for her world, men hope to find “the right one,” and women hope to “modify” a partner to become “the right one.”

Based on your profile information, and the fact you stated you've doubled your weight in the past two years or so, I am reminded of Orson Welles' quote: “Gluttony is not a secret sin.” Knowing how long he's been in your life, he's literally watched you in the process of blimping. It's pretty obvious you've expanded and unlikely you're going to shrink, since you clearly don't buy his “health reasons” and gym approach. I'm pointing this out because you report he's “in love” with you during a period of time you've doubled the amount of boyfriend he can have sex with. I would therefore assume as you move forward to 300, your size is not a major issue for him and his affection. Just so, if you had sat down with him years ago, and said, “I think I'm too skinny and I'm looking forward to being a fat guy because I know it will be a turn on for me,” I don't know if you'd be in a significantly different position than you are now. As far as I can tell, the one missing piece of the “puzzle” (for him) is that there is an erotic component to your gain.

To get back to your actual question--

A) In my professional experience as a Family Therapist specializing in couples and as a sex researcher—many couples stay together even if their sexual life is not fulfilling to one or both. For some it's security—financial or otherwise. For others, there is a strong sense of companionship. Some stay together with the attitude “better the devil you know.”

B) Depending on the intensity of a gainer's eroticism around gaining, I think it is certainly possible for a gainer to partner with a “civilian” (as a non-gainer/non-encourager is often called) and have a relatively happy relationship. But this is only possible if the gainer's eroticism isn't the “major mojo” of his sexuality—or if they do what a lot of couples do—compartmentalize. Compartmentalize means they basically put their relationship into one “box” and sexual expression into a different box. This is true for a lot of “kinks.” If you are heavily into BDSM and your partner is strictly vanilla, the chances are your sex life isn't going to be great. The solution is to find a partner who does satisfy your needs, and then you come home to the spouse, who satisfies your other needs (of companionship, for example). There are certainly gainers who work with this model, where their gainer needs are met outside of their primary relationship, because for a lot of “civilians,” they're never going to “get” what's erotic about gaining, anymore than a strictly vanilla type is going to “get” BDSM. In both cases, the “civilian” is not going to “convert” to a kink that doesn't connect to him. In my experience with other gainers, they will report a partner who will attempt to “role play” being an encourager, but because they don't “get it,” the interaction is often not pleasant for the gainer and the partner won't do it on a regular basis. By the way, in my experience, it sometimes works out if one partner is an encourager and his partner gains weight, not as an erotic desire on the part of the one fattening up, but because the encourager is good at encouraging, and because of his own “kink” finds his partner sexier with every added inch, so there's a “feed back loop,” where the blimping partner often doesn't care about having to buy a larger pants size because his own sex life is ramped up by the excitement of the encourager. This then becomes a “win/win” for such a couple, and I suspect this frequently happens with heterosexual married couples. In many cultures, there is the expectation a husband will gain weight after getting married—it's a sign of adulthood, of financial success (and in a sexist culture) and proof of what a good cook the wife is. For some married women, there is also the attitude a chubby hubby is a faithful one, where outside women aren't going to try to seduce him now that he's blown up.

After years of being around this community, what I hear over and over again from gainers/encouragers for whom this really is a significant part of their sexuality, a primary relationship with a “civilian” does not work in the long run. I suspect the standard pattern is the one you've been following: “I will stick in this relationship even though I'm becoming more frustrated with it the longer I stay around. But I would feel guilty/bad/ashamed/superficial if I dump my partner who is a really good person and I'm quite fond of him. But he will never sexually satisfy me.”

If you were in therapy with me (and you're not) there are two standard questions I would have for you: What would happen if you ended this relationship, and What would happen if you did not end this relationship.

Based on my experience, if after two years of living together and doubling your weight, I really don't see anything that is going to change other than you continuing to gain weight. While that will be erotic for you, there's really no change I can see with your partner. One option, which you've considered is sitting down with him and “coming out” as a gainer, and how this is your major kink. You need to stress this is like your sexual orientation. It's not something you chose, but it's what you are. By the way, that's an excellent metaphor for the “civilian.” Just as your partner can't “choose to be straight” he's not really in a position to “choose to be an encourager.” I mean, you could win the lottery, and come out and discover he's really been a secret encourager all along and has really been sneaking calories for you when your back is turned, and has helped you pack on the pounds. This is what happens in gainer fiction. It isn't what tends to happen in real life. (Sadly)

Part of this is just a numbers game. First you eliminate perhaps 90% of the male population as a partner because they're straight. Then you narrow down the number of potential partners because they are too old/too young or in other “deal-breaker” categories. Then with the few that remain, you try to find the ones who are gainers/encouragers, and believe me, that number gets pretty small. The Internet has done an amazing thing, by bringing together people with the same kink, so they can support one another. One of the things I frequently hear from members of Grommr is how much they look forward to the encouragement they get on the site, because they sure aren't getting it in real life. Sites like Grommr have also done a great service by allowing guys to meet other guys into gaining/encouraging, but again, that doesn't help if you discover a great partner, but he lives in southern France while you live in Virginia. There may be members of Grommr in your area, but there's no guarantee you'll end up in a relationship with them because, trust me, if the only thing you have in common is a belly or a desire to fatten someone up, that does not lead to a long term relationship. It's also one of the reasons couples stay together. “What are the chances I'll find someone who is at least as good as the one I have now?”

E) Finally—here's what you should also consider. If you are not satisfied with your relationship, and you do nothing to alter it, you're not going to get more satisfied. Speaking as objectively as I can, staying in the relationship without trying to alter it means it's ultimately unfair to your boyfriend, who frankly deserves someone who “loves him back.” The longer you stay together, the longer he will be deprived of a partner he deserves. The longer you stay together, the longer you will be deprived of a partner who is a match for your sexuality.

By “altering” your relationship, I mean “coming out” to him as a gainer. Like coming out to your parents and family (if you have)it's critical to remember people learning to understand and accept a major aspect about you doesn't usually happen immediately. The newly informed need time to process the information and eventually make it fit into their own heads and hearts. Just so, one conversation about “What gaining means to me” doesn't mean your boyfriend will understand what you're saying the first time he hears it.

Then it comes down to negotiation. What precisely do you need from him to improve your relationship? If he were magically able to wake up tomorrow and truly satisfy you sexually, would you want to stay in the relationship? Would you want him to double his own weight? And again—this is an important metaphor. Fattening him up might be a turn on for you, but given the mention of the gym, I'm going to go out on a limb and suspect the idea of your boyfriend gaining a hundred pounds in the next couple of years is not going to thrill him.

And—let me bring this up, because it's a feeling I'm getting “between” the lines. In my professional experience, couples seek out people in my field because they either want to “fix” a relationship that is not satisfying them—or they want to end the relationship and seeing a therapist is their way of being able to say to their partner and the world--”See! We did everything possible to make this work, and the relationship just couldn't be saved.” Then they get to walk away without guilt, or without one of them being seen by family and friends as “the bad one.”

You're 23. That means you started getting involved with your boyfriend when you were 19, and you've now lived together for two years. Long and long ago, it was pretty normal for a teenager to end up marrying another teenager and figure their lives were set. And indeed, that often worked. But it's also one of the reasons why in the U.S., we still have a divorce rate of about 50% because most teenagers don't make great spouses. People change and grow (and by grow, I'm not talking about their waist). In other words, even if the gainer eroticism was not part of the equation, I don't know if this would be a long-term relationship because there may be other elements that will not ultimately satisfy you (or him).

Historically, many men did not come out as gay until they were older—at least in their 20s. One of the major changes has been gays coming out at younger and younger ages. From a therapist's point of view, this is terrific. It means the younger you are when you come out, the more opportunity you have to “practice” being a good partner. Dating is really the “training wheels” for an eventual long-term relationship. For people who aren't out, they don't get to “practice” until much later on in their lives, when they do come out, which means there are a lot of folks out there who are “damaged goods,” who need a lot of help to be able to be in a healthy same-sex relationship.

I can't help but wonder how it would have turned out for both of you if you had had the opportunity to really date without the sense of going “home” to a boyfriend. You indicate in your profile you're in an open relationship, but I would be very curious if you define “open relationship” in the same way your boyfriend would. By having a primary relationship with him for at least the last two years, it means you've both been denied an opportunity to find out what it would be like to have a relationship with a different person.

On one level, as a therapist who really believes in change, I believe it is possible for you to learn to love a partner in the way he or she loves you. But that doesn't mean I also believe that should be done, or the investment of energy and time to make the change happen would be worth it.

So in summary, let's circle back to my first statement about the radio psychologist—I get the real sense you wake up every morning in a relationship and ask yourself, “but what if the guy who would really make me happy is out there somewhere?” And it's hard to avoid the realization “as long as I stay in this unsatisfying relationship, I'm not going to have the opportunity to find the right one.” I would suggest you “come out” to him as a gainer, but spend a significant amount of time preparing for it. Be very specific and concrete about what you want him to do with this new knowledge. Do you want him to feed you? Do you want him to document your weight gain by taking photos of you and taking your measurements? Do you want him to never bring up again the idea of going to the gym? Do you want him to gain weight? And if he is unable or unwilling to respond the way you desire, do you feel it would be appropriate to either end the relationship or scale it down to “just friends?” Also-remember in negotiation, both parties are involved. Otherwise you're just ordering him to change. If he's willing to do behavior “x” for you, are you willing to do behavior “y” for him? Since this is revolving around sex, if he's willing to try something to support your kink, is there something he wants sexually from you that you've been uncomfortable about providing up until now? Would you be willing to do it in exchange for him trying to support your own kink? Are there “dealbreakers” for you that he might want in exchange for doing the things you want him to do?

I wish you both the best. In my personal and professional experience, it's rare for someone's first relationship he has at the age of 20 to be the same one he'll have when he's 30, 40, or 50. My own Significant Other just returned from spending the Memorial Day weekend in his home state, where he stayed with his first boyfriend and the boyfriend's partner. They are now both in their early 40's, but have remained in touch and close for about twenty years. If your current relationship ends in terms of being boyfriends, it's certainly possible to keep him in your social network because he obviously has a lot of valuable qualities. And who knows—this is the United States where as of 2012, two-thirds of adults are overweight or obese. Biologically, you haven't really finished your adult growth until around the age of 25 (on the average) which means someone (who doesn't have a gaining kink) that is slim at 20 may be pudgy by their mid-twenties. If you break up but keep him in your social network, it may well be in a few years he may also have a belly and can end up rejoining each other in a more satisfying relationship. That's what happened with me. He went from 155 to over 260. It's not his “kink” but he knows it's mine. Being over 100 pounds heavier is not erotic in itself for him, but his own gluttony and enjoyment means he's not doing everything in his power to lose the weight. I'm one of those fortunate folks in that “win/win” where as an encourager, I enjoy him blowing up, and he enjoys eating.

So-can a gainer/encourager have a satisfying relationship with a civilian? Definitely. Is it likely? One of my favorite quotes is—the race doesn't always go to the fastest horse—but it's where you place your bet. The hard reality is—most people, regardless of their kink, don't tend to stay forever in the relationship they found themselves in while in their early 20's.

My Boyfriend Is Willing To Let Me "Play" With Other Gainers--What Are My Options?

2013-02-20T15:25:00.000-08:00

First, let me apologize to a lot of you who have recently been writing me. I've been extremely busy with my regular responsibilities, but also I've been busy publishing "erotica" gay gainer ebooks. You can check them out over at my homepage: www.SkyeEagleday.blogspot.com, or go to www.amazon.com and do a author search for Skye Eagleday. There are 3 ebooks on gainer erotica--Fat Cupid's Mocha Latte, Ballet Belly Bottom, and Ballet Belly Bottom 2. I put these three into Belly Up: A Collection of Chubby Chaser Sex. You can also find the Belly Up Collection here: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/chubby-chaser-sex-belly-up-skye-eagleday/1115426387?ean=2940015947687 Unfortunately, these haven't generated much interest. However, I'm pleased my "Tales of the Werebear" series is doing much better. Erotica on gay werewolves is popular, so I created a character whose supernatural bear nature means he goes into a semi-hibernation in the winter, where he loses weight, and when spring returns his libido and appetite, he tries to gain as much weight back as he can before winter comes again. This has allowed me to sneak a gainer spin to a Werebear. Now--back to questions--I'll make an effort to catch up on way overdue e-mails you've been sending in.
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Hey dude,

I've been an avid reader of your blog for a long time--as long as I can remember and I've been around the gaining community since I was 14 or so--and it's helped me process and (attempt to) accept the gainer side of me. But I'm really torn, not because I don't know what I want, but because I don't know how to relationship.. let me explain. Before I get into that though, I apologize for venting.. it's just you seem very wise and mature and I need the help of someone with those qualities.. so I hope I don't offend you or make you uncomfortable talking about this stuff.

I'm currently dating a non-gainer and he's amazing. Truly, he is. However, he's a bit thin (145~ at 5'11) and we've attempted to sex but I can't seem to.. stay focused. It's not that I'm not attracted to him.. it's just.. gaining is so ingrained into my sexuality that my body doesn't "respond" to thinner guys. It's not that he's unattractive by any means; I just feel terrible. I feel terrible because gainers don't make the best partners in relationships 95% of the time. The past few times I've dated our kind, all it boiled down to for them was food. In fact, my latest ex only came over to clean out my kitchen and then left, putting me down in the process and telling me how I didn't try hard enough like he did. So I feel as if I'm left with two options when it comes to dating: date a gainer, where all they'll care about is getting fatter.. or date a non-gainer who doesn't understand this side of me or thinks I'm weird/crazy as fuck.

And my boyfriend and I have talked about gaining.. we believe in mutual respect and honesty so I don't want to hide anything from him. I even had shown him Grommr, which he kinda prodded at me to do; I was hesitant because I didn't want him to judge me but when he saw the website, he didn't. In fact, he made an account and enjoys talking to some of my friends on here. And he's very supportive and knows that gaining also affects my happiness (i.e. when I'm sad, I usually get too anxious or stressed to eat and thus, lose weight.. but when I'm happy, I gain weight), so he just wants me to be happy.. so much so, it turns out.. that he sent me the following text this morning:

"Hey T, I've been thinking a lot and I have something I'd like to tell you when you see this message. Well, I'll just say it. T, I really want you to be happy. And I really don't want to limit you from anything. So, if ever you really do want to like, mutually masturbate with a gainer or snuggle or do whatever with whomever you want, I will allow it because although it may make me feel slightly uncomfortable or less special at first, I'll most likely get over it pretty easily, and in the end it's all because I want you to be happy. I understand this fetish is very physically arousing to you and I feel bad that I can't fully emit that arousal. I just don't want anything hidden from me and I don't want to put any limitations on you whatsoever. So yeah... I love you so much T. *hug*"

And he means well--he means very well. And he says the only thing he asks in return is that I be forthcoming and honest with him with everything I do. IT's just.. I feel so terrible. I love him so much but I can't even be intimate with him. I can make out with him and do other stuff with him and he makes my heart race when he holds my hand or cuddles with me when I read a book--he connects with me on every level.. except gaining. And I mean.. one day, I want to have a family. I want to settle down and have a husband and a couple of kids and a dog and a house and.. I'm afraid that I won't be able to have any of that not only because I'm gay, but because of this fetish. And it makes me feel terribly guilty and ashamed, even though that might be just as bad as feeling ashamed for being gay, which on some occasions I still do having come from an extremely conservative Christian household.

Regardless.. I'm sorry for venting like this.. but like I said, I don't know what to do and you always seem so willing to help others with their struggles of this nature and you know what you're talking about. So at the very least, I thank you for your time. :\ I hope you have a good day/week.

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Dear T—

First of all, having been around since dirt (I even predate the Internet) let me do the sad comment that you list your age as 21 and your boyfriend lists his at 18. I mention this only because it means neither one of you have had a chance to have a lot of experience in “coupling/relationshiping” and totally apart from the gaining stuff, there are very few guides and role models out there for a male/male couple to follow. There are different dynamics with a same-sex male couple than there are with a male/female couple. This means both of you will need to try a lot of things out, and some of them will work, and some of them won’t. I mention the “age” thing as a bit sad because few people 21 or under (whatever their sexual orientation or kink) are really ready, willing and able to pull off the spouse/dog/2 cars in the garage, white picket fence thing.

Which is to say—cut yourselves a lot of slack. One of my favorite quotes is from the scientist Buckminster Fuller: “The wonderful thing about science is—you can’t learn less.” Even if your efforts don’t have the success you seek, you’ll at least determined a direction you shouldn’t be going, and then you can correct your efforts until you get the results you want.

Here are my thoughts—

A) In my experience with gainers who are heavily (pun) into the kink, the consistent programming (Ooooh—new fat boy video, new fat guy pictures, chat with a Grommr gainer)—coupled with solo jerking off trains you to become more and more efficient at jerking off to gainer stimulation. That means when skinny boyfriend shows up, he’s not triggering the sexual response you’re used to on your own. You are not the only person, or the last, where you really want to climax with a person you care about, and the only way you can get hard is to fantasize being with someone else, or completely get off fantasizing on your own gain.

B) Getting off on your own gain while in bed with a partner doesn’t tend to go well. The partner knows when you’re totally inside your head and no longer present. It doesn’t make the partner feel cherished and embraced.

C) There’s a model in relationships that I also saw on a West Hollywood t-shirt—“Lust, Commitment and Intimacy. Choose two.” As I’ve shared on this blog before, Intimacy and Lust are like a seesaw—as one goes up, the other goes down. The more intimate/connected you become with a new partner, the more the lust factor declines. This is why “make-up sex” is usually very hot—after a fight, Intimacy has tanked, which allows the lust to spike. From what you’ve shared, the relationship you have now shows me you’ve chosen Commitment and Intimacy. There are some couples who will live a lifetime together with Commitment and Intimacy. Unfortunately, this tends to work better with an older couple, because you and your boyfriends should be peaking in term of your sexual interests and efforts—enjoy the hormones now because they tend to start dropping off after the age of 25.

A) For gainers with a strong gaining kink, and a partner who either won’t gain himself, or won’t join in the encouraging side of things, here are the most standard ways of dealing with the challenge:

1) Accept your boyfriend’s offer of getting your needs met elsewhere, and you then “come home” to him. In psychology, this is called “compartmentalization.” You keep the sex in a different “box” of your life than where you keep “boyfriend/companion.” Totally apart from “the kink,” many male couples have this arrangement, but it is vital the two negotiate what the rules are between you. Here’s the odd thing—it doesn’t really matter what the rules are—it only matters you both negotiate them and agree to them. One couple may make a rule they can have sex if there is no emotional connection to the new person—he’s just a “trick.” It may mean you are allowed to have an interaction with a gainer, but you have to tell him all the details—or I know other couples with just the opposite arrangement—you can do it as long you never talk about it. There are many gay men who “get off” knowing their partner is desired by others, because it “drives up the property value” of the desired partner, but it also gives the win/win message of “You want my boyfriend, but I know he’ll always come back to me because he loves me, so I am the victor!” It concerns me Boyfriend has offered you the rules—it shows a really caring person, but it can also mean someone who may try to be overly controlling in a relationship. If this is of interest to you, then you need to sit down with him in a non-stressful and private setting and ask him what he wants out of the rules you both construct as a couple. As things stand now, I don’t really see him getting much back on his side, other than the possibility of you being happier than you are now. That’s noble, but in a healthy relationship, you work together so the needs of both partners are met.

2) That may mean, for example, you agree to certain sexual behaviors that don’t require you to get hard, but can sexually pleasure him. This could include oral sex and the use of sex toys.

1) Based on reading his profile, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be averse to gaining, but it would seem the idea to him is more of a hobby than a kink. In other words, he is apparently willing to give it a shot, but he doesn’t seem to have the “hard wired” connection you do. Although there are some magnificently well bellied Grommr members who are the age of your boyfriend, different guys have different metabolism and genetics. I can predict Boyfriend won’t reach his full growth as an adult until around the age of 24-25, which means if you just stay together for the next few years, he’s most likely to fill out and possibly become a size that will satisfy you.

You may want to try out some joint activities that link eating/bloating/food with sex. If you do this well, that can get boyfriend more “into” the eating cycle with a resulting gain, because he’s not primarily doing it for the pudge, but for the sexuality of the interaction. I’ve posted on here a couple of times (you can google “sensual feeding, ProfessorFatology”) where a couple can take turns doing sensual feeding, where there is not an expectation of actually having sex (which means there’s no pressure)but there’s a complete focus of the sensuality of feeing your nude and blindfolded partner. You will have done a lot of prep and put out several different dishes with different flavors and textures, feeding a spoonful at a time, so he can completely focus on the smell and taste. You also have items of various textures (silk tie, burlap, feather duster, fur) that you will lightly touch/tug/pull over his nude body while he’s chewing. If you can get a pint of Ben and Jerry’s down him every night for a couple of weeks, it’s likely he’ll need to let his belt out a notch. Just as you’ve programmed yourself to erotically respond to gainer stimulation, you would be programming him to associate a full belly with attention and sensuality. As he responds, that may spark off a sexual response in you, which makes this a win/win interaction for a couple.

Finally—you mention in your profile you are not a stranger to depressive feelings and you have a conservative Christian background, which can be a major buzzkill to your enjoyment. If you've taken medicine for depression, you might want to check with your doctor to make sure you're responding to your prescription. You might do better on a different set of meds. You’ve also made the connection of your happiness to your weight gain—if your happy quota is up, so is your weight, and if you’re unhappy, you lose weight. I get the sense you can’t give back to your boyfriend at this time because what he can give to you (freedom to be with others) pumps out a big dish of Guilt. In this case,, Guilt is a really useless emotion, because it wont make boyfriend any happier, and it won’t get you growing out of your current jeans. One solution to wasting your time with guilt is to open up communications in terms of finding out the additional ways you can support your boyfriend’s happiness. If boyfriend’s happiness can include brownies and an extra large pizza, then you’re on your way to getting both of your needs met. And if he does start to put on some pounds, let him know what terrific you think that is—praise him. You should know yourself you may have had a hard day and you find a Grommr message telling you how hot you look and things perk up. Be honest—but if he’s gaining or at least trying to eat more, praise him—encourage him. Let him know what would be a major pleasure point for you—rubbing your stuffed belly? A full body massage? Reading gainer fiction out loud to him?

Please let me know how things go

Help Me Help An Unsatisfied Fat Friend

2012-12-25T14:27:00.001-08:00

(Another warning to regular visitors--for an unknown reason this site is screwed up. This means not only are some images I've uploaded not showing up, but the spacing in text is also not what I've done. So sorry--but I hope you find the text helpful) Hello I'm glad to know there is a guy caring about our community like you, I always read the posts you make in your blog and, I need to say it are very useful, keep on the good work it is awesome!.

As you know I'm running my own blog at http://elgainer.blogspot.com One of my readers asked me some questions than I'm really not able to answer, I hope you can help me a bit with it. He said than is ok to post it in our blogs as long we won't use his real name or information about how to contact him, so It will be ok if you want to use it at you blog.

Well I'm talking about a big gainer who already has reached its goal, he is pretty fat now, he is in his 30's, openly gay and occasionally looking for sporadic encounters with admirers and people from the community, but he has the idea of getting something more serious with the right guy. He is a Latino guy living in Florida, so he has had the chance to interact with the feeder-gainer community there. I'm actually not sure about how to pose the questions for you. The truth is that even if I know a little about this topic, I thought it will be best to consult first about this particular situation with you. So I'll leave the questions just the way he told it to me, but translated in English:

"Hey, I'm not sure about how to exactly approach to it; I've always had a small "trauma" with the chasers, admirers or feeders about my penis. I Usually feel like they have some kind of obsession for my fat bodie and giant belly, at the degree that they forget than I want to be touched when we are on the bed and about to have sex, I sould like to recieve oral sex, and other things like the penetration too, but I have the impression than many of them don't even heed my penis. Actually is a very delicate topic because it is like the extent of the excitation is my chubby body, and they forget I'm a man with a penis, so sometimes I have sex felling like I'm not getting any pleasure from it, and in some cases I'm the one who have to do oral sex, striptease, stimulate the guy, masturbate him... but they don't do nothing about me, the doesn't touche me beyond my belly and fat folds.

My question on here is if this behavior with the excitement is an extent of the visual stimulation or more a variant of the intercourse. I wonder about what's exactly the point of it when there is not sexual interest in the penis?, why this kind of situations happen to me and how I can deal with it?. I thought at first instance than it was not very common, but I don't anymore since I had experimented them al least with 5 guys around the community. "

I hope you found it interesting and you can help me a little with it.
Greetings from Mexico from your reader fan.

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Happy to offer some observations and suggestions. Let me begin by saying as someone who has spent years working with heterosexual couples who were usually married, there are many males who are really pretty bad at “love-making,” and I am using that term specifically. They tend to be good at “self-pleasuring” because I suspect they have had a number of years of practicing on themselves. I think for a lot of men who are turned on by well bellied men, much of their focus has been on visual images through Internet sites or magazines. The end result of this is their (and this includes straight men who have more hours spent on porn sites than with actual women) sexual interaction is pretty much “scripted.” In other words, with relatively little variation, the guy will seek out the object of his desire, and then have internal “movies” inside his head while he stimulates himself to the point of orgasm. This takes little effort on the part of the male, and frankly, the more he does it, the more efficient he gets at it.

The problem arises when such a gentleman actually has to interact with another human being—male or female, slender, or properly padded. If you’re a regular reader of this blog, one of the most common problems I find between couples of any type is what we call “mind-reading”—this is the idea I know if I do a particular behavior, this is what it means—and if I see you do the same behavior, I assume it means exactly the same thing to you. And a lot of times, the “mind-reading” goes terribly wrong. In what you’re describing, partners of your well-fed friend are apparently following their “script” or their “mind-movie” and get the results/orgasm they expect. In their “mind-movie” I suspect they aren’t seeing their partner being equally pleasured, because—hey—he DOESN’T EXIST. The partner in the “mind-movie” is imaginary.

But your friend is real. This means he deserves to be treated as a real human being. On a personal level of disclosure, I’ve had experiences where the other person was so “caught up” in his fat fetish, I didn’t have much more reality than a piece of furniture in the room. As we go into 2013, this is very much like being with someone who is completely focused on their smartphone than noticing you’re sitting next to him.

The best sex is one that is consensual, and where both partners end up being satisfied. This is complicated by the “kink” aspect of being part of the gaining community. I’ve shared before as an American Indian, I have long braids that reach my waist. That means I often attract gay men with a long hair “fetish.” Because I don’t really think of my hair as erotic, to interact with a long hair fetish guy means he gets a lot out of it, and I get pretty much nothing back. Sound anything like your friend? And I should also mention, this can happen to larger men who don’t feel erotically connected to their own bodies, who end up feeling used by chasers or guys who like big guys. With more standard porn, while the dialog and plot is pretty limited, at least there is some functional model of people actually interacting. But many guys who want big guys don’t have access to the equivalent “fat porn” that would give them some example of how a fat man and his partner engage with each other in a way where they both orgasm.

Here’s something you might appreciate as a Latino, as I do as a person of color. If you date outside your ethnicity, particularly with people of European ancestry, you have a lifetime of being exposed to European/Euro-American culture from movies, books, television and work. But it means you end up having to “teach” a White partner about what it means to be from a community of color, where we may do things in a different way. For example, many communities of color teach their members not to ask for something directly, but “hint at it,” or ask for it indirectly. For a lot of White people, they will never even register that something was requested because it wasn’t asked for directly.

And this brings us back to your friend. If he’s not getting what he wants out of the interaction, then he’s being exploited. He’s being used, and that’s apparently how he feels about it. This means he may have to take a lot more direct action at being very specific at negotiating what the expected roles are between the two of them. This negotiation takes place before the clothes come off or a body part gets exposed. If he wants oral satisfaction from his partner, he needs to be upfront about it before he performs on his partner. Remember, since a number of men are inexperienced (and very poor) at pleasing their partners, they may not be very good at what it is they are supposed to do. In some Latino cultures, there is also a macho aspect where as long as you’re in the “active” insertive role, it means your community won’t consider you to be gay. That means your friend may face a percentage of men who will be happy to receive a blow job, but will refuse to reverse roles because that would mean “they are gay.” Just so, such a man may be willing to perform insertive anal sex, because by their logic, your friend would be the “gay” one, but he’ll think of himself as straight because he’s the “macho” one.

On a completely different level, you haven’t shared exactly how large your friend is. For some very large men, depending on the size of the penis of the “top,” insertion may be challenging. If this is the case, even a guy who is willing, may not physically be able to top your friend. There are some resources out there that offer suggestions for how to more effectively have sex with really large people. Another solution is for your friend to have appropriate sized dildos or other sex toys available for his partners to use. An example of a book on this subject is Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationship Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) by Hanne Blank. The revised version has more inclusion for gay and bisexual men. Again, not knowing how large your friend is, for some (but not all) men, the more they gain, the more fat accumulates around their penis (this is sometimes called by the slang term in English “fupa” or “fat upper pubic area”), so their penis can become so surrounded by fat, it becomes difficult to access. If this is the case with your friend, some of his partners may have little or no experience in how to do effective oral sex on him. Again, the book can offer some guidelines of how best to handle this. You mention your friend is Latino, and lives in a very multi-ethnic community. Many Latino men are uncut, and like many men of color (and these days, an increasing number of White Americans) may need some additional attention to hygiene issues before oral sex, although there are certainly some gay men of various ethnicities who are especially turned on by what in English slang is called a “cheesy” penis. This is also technically called “smegma,” but I don’t know the Spanish word for it. This would be an excellent example where an experience that’s exciting to one person will be a major turn-off for another. This is where negotiation plays such an important component.

I once heard another therapist explain a BTN relationship. BTN stands for “Better Than Nothing.” The question a person has to learn to ask is—“At what point do I accept the idea I deserve more than a BTN?”

I’m not saying this is easy for your friend. It means learning and practicing a whole new skill set of how to negotiate sex with a potential partner, and also learning to say “No,” if the other person doesn’t want a fair exchange. Your friend will also have to (and he needs to do this WAY before he is in front of a potential partner) figure out what is and isn’t a “deal breaker” in negotiation. In other words, in an ideal world (or how your friend directs his own “mind-movie”) your friend would be orally pleasured as well as enjoy being a bottom-and for all I know, a large piece of chocolate cake afterwards. But in the company of a real flesh and blood partner, he may choose to settle with oral and a dildo, or accept the fact a particular partner simply isn’t going to pleasure him orally. The Big Big Love book can also offer some additional suggestions of how a wonderfully large body can be used in sexual ways. You haven’t shared how your friend attracts his partners, but if he does it through personal ads or on-line profiles, he can be very upfront about what he expects in bed, which will allow him to eliminate some potential partners who will be just as unsatisfactory as his previous people.

Finally—if your friend doesn’t start being direct about his own expectations, after at least five interactions that have been unsatisfactory for him, I’m going to predict interactions six and seven are going to be just as much as a disappointment. The other side of this—if a partner—male or female—or other—uses the opportunity to teach a partner how to be a better lover/sex partner, he not only gets more pleasure for himself, but he leaves a lover who will be in much more demand for other partners as well—so it’s what we call in English a “win/win” situation, or as is also said in English, “you play it forward.” This means you do something that you realize can benefit someone you may never meet, but the law of Karma suggests this will still benefit you on some level.

Why Do We Gain Intentionally?

2012-12-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

(Readers--for no reason I can understand or correct, all the images I've added to this post are not showing up when I view the blog. I have tried to reload them to no success. Hopefully the text will be useful, but the images really made a difference) Hey Professor Fatology.

I have a question regarding about why we want to gain fat intentionally. I have read that usually our personality, wants, needs and other ideas situated about one's self are created. Or drawn from external factors. So basically is the want to be fat caused by external factors for example:

Many of us strive to be like our parents at a young age and we learn at an early age from our parents on how our roles are going to be like whilst we develop.

Another example to explain my example:

A child has grown up with a father who is overweight. Striving to learn from his father and trying to subconsciously be like him. He has a desire to gain fat and be fat as his father. Another factor could be that his father who was fat, had left the family at an early age, and the child has no influence to learn from and manages to find bits of information of the lost male influence in his life and learn from that. Still attaining that being fat is like being his father, bringing a lost relationship to him. And soon somehow confuses being fat as a more erotic sensation and finds he wants to get fatter

Do you see where I'm going with this?
(You can use this as blog post)

From Curious Gainer

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Dear Curious Gainer,

Perhaps it would best to review a personal feeling that I have a spectrum or continuum exists within the gaining community. Put another way, there are extreme ends on a scale, where for some individuals there is an overwhelming erotic component to gaining, being fat, or being with someone who is, that is very similar to a sexual orientation. For a person with this sort of “sexual orientation,” it’s not going to be able to change any more than you can “change” a true gay man into a straight one no matter how much “quack therapy” you force him to experience. I’m deliberately using “quack therapy” precisely because every major psychological, psychiatric, and medical professional association in the United States (and a similar movement is happening in the U.K.) has formally denounced reparative/ “pray away the gay” efforts. In fact, the state of California has just passed a law making it illegal for adolescents to be subjected to this sort of “repair” attempt” to “fix” something that’s not broken—and these terrible efforts have clearly led to the depression and frequent suicides of young people who have had to go through them.

Going back to the analogy of sexual orientation, there are clearly people who are bisexual. There is also a continuum of bisexuals, where some are more attracted to men than women. Just so, I suspect there are people in the gaining community who are erotically attracted to fat people, but to some extent have no problem being in a relationship with someone who isn’t. But just as a male bisexual may be more drawn to another male, there are very likely people in the gaining community who are happy to be with a lean partner, but would be even happier if the lean partner porked up.

Then there are “civilians” (as they are called in the gaining community) for whom fat isn’t a major erotic drive, but isn’t a “deal breaker.” These may include the folks you describe in your e-mail. In my experience, this will include people who belong to cultures where it’s expected people who become a couple will gain weight, and being fat is a clear signal to that community the couple is doing well—it’s “happy fat.” I think this is a clear example of what you’re thinking about. The couple (or the children, where some cultures see chubby children as “healthy” children) aren’t really focused on the eroticism of weight gain, or larger waists, but are conditioned to think of it as part of adulthood, or being successful.

There are undoubtedly some people who follow the path you’ve suggested. I’m thinking of a specific individual whose father abandoned the family when he was four years old. His earliest memories were taking his father’s old t-shirts, putting them on to experience the “smell” of his father, and stuffing pillows underneath his t-shirt to try to be more like his missing father. As a family therapist I’ve also seen things can go “both ways.” For example, a child may try to model himself after his father/parents/relatives who are well bellied. I have also seen children who are so angry at their parents/relatives, they make a decision to do the exact opposite of what they feel the “other” does. As a family therapist, I don’t usually get to see people who are doing really well—I tend to see people in crisis or who are troubled. Just so, when a kid “acts out”, he or she doesn’t do it at “random.” The “acting out” child of a teacher will “act out” by failing a class. The kid of a cop will get arrested. And you don’t want to know what the acting out children of Preachers do. Some children who are raised with parents who are health freaks will “rebel” by eating junk food and gut growing, just as some children raised by parents who don’t hold back at the dinner table rebel by refusing to eat, or upping their exercise to stay skeletal. Some of these behaviors start up as a type of “rebellion” and then end up being a very hard to end.

And here’s what I want to stress, because I have worked for years in a profession that is based on the “medical model,” where the first question is, “What’s wrong?” with a person. In many cases, this is a really bad question to start with—because, as with sexual orientation, there isn’t “something wrong,” but simply what these days the medical profession calls, “a normal sexual variation.” This brings us to the idea of “kinks,” where, for example, being tied up for some people is an exciting spice to an on-going relationship, but not something that’s vital to a relationship. This is different from the Fifty Shades of Gray “thing,” where it’s a “lifestyle.” Gaining for some people, or being with a gainer is an exciting spice for some people, a lifestyle for some, and a “meh” for others, where a partner adding pounds isn’t any more erotic than him having a receding hairline, but isn’t something that ends the relationship because the other elements of their relationship are what counts.

Will Women (and my family) Want The Big Guy I Want To Be?

2012-12-25T13:20:00.003-08:00

(I ask that if you were to put this in your blog not to mention my name)

I just recently found your website and after looking around it I think you might finally be able to help me with a question I've been keeping inside of me.

I'm at an age of fifteen and have always wanted to gain weight. A story you might have heard before: tall and skinny; not really that big, bulky, or outstanding. I really enjoy the thought of becoming a massive guy with a giant gut hanging out in front of me, and whenever I look at a guy like that I get turned on and think "I want to be as fat and big as he is".

I haven't had the courage to start gaining the weight to get to my dream of about 400 pounds (which I plan on getting to), and here's why: my family is fairly skinny, fit, and into sports and exercise. I don't want to show that I want to become a huge guy and put some distance between us. I'm quite a good athlete and I don't want to disappoint my family by wasting the body I have now to become that giant guy.

I also find it sexually attractive to have a bulging gut. It makes me feel like I would stand out. For the gut to say that I'm bigger, heavier, and more solid than all the other guys. I want to be a gainer and put on a lot of weight in fat. I want to have extra flab on my body that jiggles and bounces as I walk. To stick out in front of me and give me trouble in any daily activity. I want people to be attracted to me from the pounds of weight in my belly and enlarged body parts the same way I'm turned on thinking about it.

Now here's the problem: I don't want to be in a gay sexual relationship with other guys.

I know other guys who are gainers and encouragers are gay and enjoy these thoughts and doings the same way I do, but I don't want to go out with another guy. When I look at a overweight guy I find the gut attractive and get turned on thinking of what it would be like if I had those extra pounds. But I don't want to be with him, I want to be him.

So is it possible for me to really be straight and just have a gut/fat fetish? Would any women like me if I were to be fat? And if not should I go ahead with the gaining anyway?

I find girls attractive and want them to be the ones who were to like me and get into a sexual relationship with if I were chubby, but when I started thinking about the whole gay gainer thing I had second thoughts of who I would really be appealing to.

(No offense to any gay men reading this- I just don't want to mate with a guy)

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Let me start with the last question. There are a lot of gay men who strive to have a body that would be on the cover of a fitness magazine, and they catch the attention of a lot of straight women, but that’s not the audience they’re trying to attract. It just happens. In the same way, a lot of straight men get freaked out by lesbians who wear flannel, cut their hair in a butch way and don’t wear make-up—but trust me, these lesbians are not trying to attract straight men.

Let me give you a word of advice to avoid growing up to be a douchebag. When someone says, “You look really good,” the correct response is, “Thank you.” The wrong one is, “I only value positive feedback from someone I want to mate with.” A lot of women really admire a man who is so secure in his own body and sexuality he isn’t threatened by someone he doesn’t want to mate with who finds him attractive. This includes gay men. Good on you for being 15 and aware enough to realize you want to ask your question without being offensive to gay men.

Now, let’s go back to the first part of your e-mail. It’s a normal teen thing to wonder if the people you love will love and support you. True love is unconditional. That means they love you even if you mess up. And in some cases, you may think you’ve messed up, but the people you love just accept you because of who you are—not what you do. Jeez-if I could just get more people to believe that, most therapists would lose a lot of business.

Your “final” growth doesn’t stop until you’re around 24 or so. That means at the age of 15, you really don’t know what you’re going to look like when you’re ten years older—or twenty, for that matter. And speaking as someone old enough (ouch) to be your father (and if your mother is a member of the Yakama tribe where we both graduated from the same university, I might actually be your father)—in ten or twenty years, your parents may not be as “skinny and into sports” as they are now. You might want to check on how both sets of your grandparents look.

Can you admire a belly on another guy and wish you had it and not want to have sex with him? Absolutely, just as most straight men who cheer their favorite quarterback in the NFL may fantasize about being him without wanting to mate with him. You can also dream about being James Bond from the movies without dreaming about being in bed with him. It’s what we call in psychology “being inspired” or “motivated” by someone.

Also—there are a number of sports where being a big guy is a major plus. I’m not just talking about sumo wrestling. But I went to high school in Oklahoma (so not bragging about that) where high school wrestling was more popular at the time than football. Do you know what heavy-weight category Olympic wrestlers look like? Do you know what Olympic shot-put stars look like? Do you know what (I don’t really know what to call them, but I know what they look like) Olympians who ride in the back of toboggans look like? Do you know what the “strongest men in the world” contest winners look like? Or world-class Powerlifters? There are also all sorts of sports—including those available in high school or college where guess what? Fans admire a big guy who is a big guy. And that includes female fans.

You have all sorts of options available to you where you can have it all. There are sites like www.fantasyfeeder.com where there are many women who prefer a larger guy. There are also women who are turned on by the idea of a big strong man who can “protect” them who don’t want someone who is “tall and skinny,” but a man who is “more solid.” Announce to your family you want to start "bodybuilding" and part of professional bodybuilding means you have to "bulk up," which basically means when you're not in a contest where you need to have a single digit bodyfat percentage is -- wait for it--you're "fat." Most people don't know when they see photos of professional (or amateur) bodybuilders on stage, they only look that way for a day. Afterwards they stop starving themselves and quickly add 50 or more pounds. If your family has a "fitness fetish" then it may help you to find a recognized sport where being a heavyweight is a plus. This means certain positions in football, wrestling,or bodybuilding.

Are There Sites For Straight Guys Who Like Bellies?

2012-12-25T12:51:00.001-08:00

Hi Professor,

I'm a guy who has had an interest in bellies for as long as I can remember. However, I know I'm straight as I'm not sexually or mentally attracted to men (except their bellies). I've joined Grommr several times in order to look at guys with bellies but I find that conversations on there turn sexual quite quickly and I'd like somewhere to chat to other straight guys who are interested in guys' bellies, and guys' bellies only! Is there anywhere online you can request?

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Just to let you know, there are a number of guys who have felt overwhelmed by what they felt was an “over-sexualization” on Grommr. There are a couple of places I’d recommend. One is a primarily “straight” site that has an emphasis on those who admire larger women. But there are also lots of straight men on board who want to be “mutual gainers” (where both partners gain) or want a female partner who wants a guy who is only going to get bigger. The site also is “gay-friendly” but is definitely not anything like Grommr, although it’s not at all uncommon for men to leave positive comments. In many cases, these aren’t gay or bisexual men, but are giving compliments in the same way someone on your sports team would yell out “great job” when you hit a homerun or made a touchdown, although in this case it’s because you’ve just outgrown your jeans.

Another very “safe” place is one of the oldest and most established ones—www.bellybuilders.com, which can be thought of more as a “community.” You’ll get lots of support, questions answered, and “way to go, dude” comments, without the “wanna cam and jerk off” element. Although you’re not gay, I should probably also mention to readers of this blog there is a new google plus site--https://plus.google.com/u/0/communities/114874889573950966087?cfem=1#communities/114874889573950966087 “Gay Gainer Guys Guild” that is brand-new, and was established as a “non-horn dog” site to differentiate itself from Grommr, so you don’t get the major sexual vibe you can on the other site. For that reason, I suspect they’d be a welcoming group to straight gainers who aren’t interested in having sex with guys.

How Do I Make Him Care About Me The Way I Want?

2012-12-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

Hello prof!

I've discovered your blog recently, via grommr. And I should really thank you, because i found answers to some of my questions i've been looking everywhere. Its really useful thing you do.

Btw you can post some parts or all this message to your blog, don't think my russian friends will discover it haha, and if they do i'll know they are into gaining for sure haha.

ok, first i tell you some backstory of my gaining experience, and then i'll ask you some questions that bother me. ok?

---I discovered i have a thing for fatter bellies early in childhood. I'm 24 btw. As i was slim, those chubby or fat bellies caught my attention, i was kinda intrigued, and wondered how it is to have some extra fat on your belly. And i felt i like the view of fat belly, see how it jiggles etc. well you know that. I remember i puffed my belly out, rubbed it with oil haha, and later (at 13-14 years) i actually begun to stuff. Ok, i had fantasies of getting kind of a beer belly and like i'm showing it off and my friends make fun of me and rub and poke my belly, and i like it. Actually i always wanted to do this for real - like to get really bloated and show off my belly. But i was shy. I thought ppl think of me as fit (as i go to swimming pool do sports etc) and was kinda scared to do it in front of crowd, but on the other side i wanted it. Sounds lil bdsm to me but well, continue with my story.

I also remember i kinda fell in love? with a guy 2 years older than me. I guess it was love. I was 13. I felt really strong attraction to him, i liked how he looked, acted, i wanted to be like him. Surprisingly, i wasn't really obsessed to see him shirtless or see his belly. I thought it will be good if he go shirtless but didn't want to force it whatever I wanted to became friends with him really hard, so (it sounds weird to me even after all these years hehe) i talked to him, accidentally massaged his neck and shoulders, hugged him etc, and i hanged out with him everywhere. And I was the one who called him etc. But don't think i was pushing him to hang out with me. I always respected other people's feelings, and wasn't annoying or anything, like there were no day without me in his life.

I managed to show off my bloated belly to my best friend(at the time) (I was 14). As it was summer and he came to my house nearly everyday, I had a time to prepare. So before he came, i eat a lot and drank a lot of water, so my belly became really round. And when we sat together doing homework (at the summer, isn't it weird? haha) i lifted up my shirt , and he noticed my bloated belly, he laughed at it and started to poke my bellybutton. I really liked it. Soon we started to wrestle and ended up with him sitting on me and slapping my bloated belly. I got what i wanted and i liked it.

There were another 2 friends, i hanged out with them and it happened, that we played rock paper scissors once, and when i lost i lifted up my shirt (i was bloated) and told one of them to rub or poke my belly. And he done it. So from that time we started to hand out together and we played 'rock-paper-scissors' and i bloated before we hang out and it always ended up with them rubbing or poking my bloated belly. (i was 14-15 at the time and they were 13-14). I believe it was like sex to me. (i didn't experienced sex with a girl yet, and with a guy too, but well, some of guys sucked my dick, i guess that can count. I don't want to have sex with guys(i mean anal), nor i want to suck their ***. I'm puzzled with this a bit.

My theory is: to me belly play or playing with other's bellies =sex (like straight and gay ppl understand it). Am I right?

I thought i'm the only one in the world with a belly thing. Well you heard a lot of this stories, i discovered youtube and realised there are others, i also found out its called a fetish etc etc. It was a good thing, i knew i'm different, but not crazy haha

So college years was not so interesting unfortunately, because i studied where the most of my mates at uni were girls. So again i missed guys attention. I befriended one guy (i didn't liked his appearence, but he was funny and became a good friend after all) and he prob became the first man ever who i told about i like to pig out and showed him my bloated belly, and he even participated in some of my videos. I told him this kind of vids are very popular on youtube and he agreed hehe. Important thing that he is not into bellies, he's just a really good friend who understand my fetish and helps me with my vids hehe, only when i really ask him.

Of course i actively used internet, chatted with guys from all over the world, showed my belly on cam, liked the attention. but it all was virtual and i missed actual belly rubbing and all, and besides i wanted to rub and play with someone's belly too.

I was 22 i think.

And. A thing happened. I met a guy. I think i can tell you now i loved him from the first sight. I just couldn't took my eyes of him. He was really attractive, kinda buff but he was really slim, just muscular and short, and i liked his face and the way he talks, he acts etc, and i wanted to become a best friend with him. Again, like at 13, i didn't thought much about belly thing at first, of course later i became interested to see his belly etc, but at first i admired him a lot and wanted his attention and to be best friends with him.

As you see i don't want to have sex. To cuddle, to rub each one's bellies, maaaybe kiss(not sure) (i kissed guys but felt nothing special about it), play with them, feed each other etc is just enough for me, if you ask me about how intimate i wanted to be with him.

And, well, some kind of drama began for me. At first, i didn't know how to approach him (i was shy, now i became ok again. It was a period of time i was shy). And when i approached him my heart began to boom boom and my mind kinda got clear haha, i really felt this way. So it was hard to me. But i found a way to talk to him, and i tried to talk to him from time to time to get to know him etc, soon i started to give him birthday presents. I can't say we were close at the time i started giving him presents and i wonder what he thought.. He worked as admin in our computer class (part time job to pay his education, so i often went to him).

I found out he likes football. He runs studen't football club at our uni. So one day (after 2 year when i first met him, still there was no progression in our relationships, i called him from time to time to know how he is doing etc, just to keep in contact with him. so one day i offered him help with posters and site design for football league (i'm good at photoshop and now i work as graphic designer). He agreed. And we started to chat more often, It was about work, but i was happy i can just talk to him more often. Soon, after a year of doing work for football club, i started to help him with other his projects, had to do a lot more work.

Important thing that he met a new girlfriend at the time and spent a lot of time with her. I was lil jealous about it, especially when i saw them hugging going together. (fall 2011)

Ok i will skip to this year (fall2012). Ok so i helped him a lot, gave him really good presents(he said it himself, because i gave him presents that fit his character and the situation. YOu know its when you know what you should give to a man to make him really happy. I always been careful at choosing a present for him, Christmas 2011 present was so good, i thought he'll hug me so happy he was, but he said thank you man for real and we shaked hands.)

I forgot to tell you about important thing. He got fatter recently. He was slim, with no belly, he had 6pack, but now he has a little belly that drives me crazy haha. I always complement him with it, or ocasionally rub it when i have a chance. He is ok with it. He smiles when i do it. Once we were heading home together (in the winter i often called him to take a walk together to home (we have to get to the same busstop), and we talked about sports etc, and suddenly he said he got fatter (i didn't tell ppl or him that he got fatter, sill kinda shy to tell this), and his belly got so big like a whole piece of fat. And! He said he will take a photo of it and will show it to me. And asked me not to show it to other ppl. I was absolutely shocked to hear this. He offered to do a thing i was dreamt of himself. oh boy. Of course i promised him i won't show and he said he will stuff himself hard and will take a photo.

So my question is: What should i do to achieve my ultimate goal? (to have some intimacy with him like bellyrubbing together or maybe stuffing together (kinda tricky as he says he's busy always and i guess busy with his girfriend)

So. Finally (last week) i got so depressed with this situation (it got bit better since we chatted a bit and i met him every week before it, we meet to discuss football league works, very brief meetings), i decided to meet up with him tet-a-tet and discuss our relationships.

A day before on a football league meeting he offered people to tell what they dislike about him to see what he is doing wrong in ruling the league. So i told him it a good idea, after all it helps you to get better. So first i told him my concept of relationships. That they are like scales, and if you do something good to your friend, the white ball appears, and if you do something bad or not doing something when you should, a black ball appears. So i told him in my eyes scales is 50/50 and it depends on him what will happen next, because i close to 'break up' with him, because i'm not satisfied with our friendship. Then i told him i try to be his best friend not only his business partner. And he does not value it. He said that he has 3 groups of friends and with 2 of them he is not close like best friends in mine understanding - its his football team and his business team. 3rd one is his gf. there is also a 4th group - his school friend, he knows him for 6 years. The reason why he don't go further in friendship - is he don't want to make business with friends, because when we begin to earn a lot of money the quarrels would begin. I told i'm totally agree with this point of view. But i said there's always exceptions.

He asked me what i understand when i say friendship. I was unable to say it clear at the time. In the very end i told him about his belly, i told him he got so fat (in a jokingly way) and poked his belly few times. He said he goes to exercise and offered me to go with him , i said i cant afford it at the time (really bit too expensive for me) but will once i can, and i reminded him about the photo he own me for 9 month hehe, he said he will stuff himself hard today and take a photo of his belly. I said his belly distract me hehe, and he said what is this some kind of belly-mania? i told him yeah, i think its funny. He said i probably have a gallery of bellies on my pc. I couldn't tell the truth, i just laughed.

So is there anything i can do to become his best friend, and is this possible at all?

It was Tuesday we had this talk. Wednesday i met with him again i gave him his money. When we talked about friendship and business, he reminded me of a summer. When an organisation where he worked owned me a money for work i've done, and they delayed the pay everytime, and finally they gave the money he told me, and he gave me that money. But when we talked about friendship and business he reminded me of this and asked me what i thought, i said i thought this stupid big bosses can't pay me the money. He said no, you thought that I stole your money, they never paid, i gave you my own money. I was shocked. Telepathy is an enemy to every relationship. (you said about it in your blog) I told him about it, and said i trust him a lot and that was really stupid and i know he wouldn't stole money (i know its really so, he is fair). But he managed to return me 2/3 of money as a bonus for all the work i've done for him, i was sceptic about so sudden bonus but had to take it, he wanted to give me all (payings for my future work as he said) but i really protested. He wrote me today again about work things.. so we still chatting and i'll see how it will go.

P.S lil addition. I said i was shy about showing off my bloated belly. Now i more confident with it, i even posted some pics on my fb profile (my way of finding out if my friends are into it). Also i sent some photos to me friends (i sent them to my significant one, but doubt he saw them, at least no comments were made at it was time ago before we started to communicate closer). and they laughed at it and overall was positive about it but no one liked it the way gainers like it. thanks to this i became more self-concerned about my belly. but still kinda shy to talk about i want to gain or that i've gained with my friends, well, mainly because i don't have some here. just office mates. And my SigO. .. Well, i have one friend i visited him in the other town, and i lift my shirt up and show my belly to him and comment how fat i got lol compared to him and he rubs my belly and i rub his. Kinda shy to do this when my SigO near, well mainly because we don't hang out, i didn't had a chance to talk him tet-a-tet since tuesday you know
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(BTW, at the writer's suggestion, I edited out a lot of information, since he went into a lot of details) Sigh, this is one of the things I hate about doing this site. See, in doing actual therapy, I would rarely if ever tell a patient (a patient gets meds) or a client (a client doesn’t), “Oh, here’s what your problem is, and here’s what you do to solve it.” A good therapist is a sort of “guide,” who helps someone head in a more useful direction—but with a really good therapist, the client makes his or her own decision to change. See- if a therapist tells you “do x” and your life improves, it’s easy to become dependent upon the therapist to continue to tell you what to do. But if a therapist is a good guide, he or she can not only point you in the right direction, but step aside so you never need him/her again. You learn to make your own healthy decisions that shape your life.

But that also means if I tell you on a site like this, “do x” and it’s so not what you want to hear, you automatically reject it, and keep doing what’s made you unhappy for such a long time. Which means, ultimately I haven’t done anything helpful.

But since you asked—here’s the bottom line. As the movie title goes, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” No matter how much you want him, and ask me how you should manipulate him to be the person you want him to be—it’s just not going to happen. He’s been very clear he’s arranged his life into compartments. He’s cataloged relationships into specific places (including business associates and “girlfriend”) and you’re just not going to fit into his scheme of things as a boyfriend, bellyguy, or significant other.

I’ve been around for so long, I’ve seen this happen over and over again. “A” wants “B,” but “B” doesn’t want “A” in “that way.” “A” ups the ante (is that too much slang? It’s from certain card games, where you invest in “the pot” in the hopes of winning, but you haven’t won yet, and you get to the point, of “Do I keep investing more and more in the hopes I hit the jackpot, or do I go ahead and accept the fact I can lose everything I’ve invested, so I shouldn’t put even more into the pot, but simply ‘fold’ and move on with my life to find someone who can eventually love/care about me in the way I want to be loved/cared about?”

Your friend has reacted the way a lot of straight men do around gay/bisexual men who desire them (and even if you don't now identify as gay or bisexual, your behavior is the same as a gay or bisexual man). They feel really complimented. They feel desirable, even when the audience they really want to notice them (girlfriends) won’t turn out the way they want. It’s a “no lose” situation for the straight guy. “No matter what I do, this guy will still be there for me. No matter how little I give to him, he will always give more. If I ignore him, he will actually increase what he offers to me. He will give me gifts that will be far more valuable than anything I have ever given him. Even if I tell him I’ve interfered with his income, he’ll actually end up being grateful to me.” He's also not stupid--he's already guessed you have a "belly thing" and a "belly picture collection." If gives you one of his, he'll only be one of many. There's a Leonard Cohen poem that talks about him giving his fingerprint to the person he loves (your fingerprint is unique) and then he opens a drawer and all the many fingerprints others have given in the same way fall out. Some people don't want to be just "one of the many."

Just so—why would he ever change your shared dynamic?—he gets so much of what he values, without ever having to give anything back to you that you value other than a little attention, and a “pat on the head.” He doesn’t even give you what you’ve specifically asked for—such as a photo of his bloated belly.

And again—here’s what you so don’t want to hear—if you really push for what you want, his response will be to push back on you as a form of rejection. The most you can hope for is to get him drunk enough that for one short evening he responds the way you want him to—and then for the rest of your lives he will blame you for “making” him do what he did.

There is a country western song called the Gambler—the chorus is:

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.”

It’s time to walk away and find a guy who will want you in the way you want him. This is a guy-if you continue on this path, who will accept what you offer, and go home to his girlfriend/wife. He may accept (on rare occasions, particularly when drunk) certain behaviors from you—but the bottom line is—you’ve been paying for it. I think you deserve more than to “pay for it.” I think you should find a relationship of equals. Someone who can not only give back to you, but will enjoy doing so. That’s what you deserve. Will you get this with him? Sadly, no. but please remember this—if you can find someone who can treat you as an equal, the experience will be so much better than anything this guy can ever offer you. You've spent literally years investing in this relationship, and you've framed it in "scales" where in a relationship you want, both sides are going to offer something of recognized value. This man has failed to do that to your satisfaction for years. That's not going to change. And to give him credit--he's been completely upfront with you of how he makes sense of his world. In my mom's language, we don't really have a word for "friend." When pressed, we'll tell people the word is Yelp, but that word really means "trading partner." It doesn't have the meaning the English word does. For us, in our language, others are "enemy," "family," or "trading partner," where there is a definite "accounting" that goes on, where like you've suggested, it's like "scales" and a white ball/black ball, where you strive to be fair in your exchange. I don't think he even counts as a Yelp to you because even you've been clear he's failed to offer a balanced relationship. And from what you've told me--he will never be "family" to you (which includes a Significant Other/Mate/Lover). You deserve more than you will ever get from him. And finally--does someone like a therapist, who has been trained to know how to change behavior--have the "power" to teach you to "control" a person to do what you want him to do? I won't lie to you. Really experienced psychologists do indeed have "the power" to manipulate the behaviors of (some but not all) people. This is done all the time in politics and marketing. But the question you really need to ask--do you really want someone you have to "magic"/manipulate to want you back? That will never be a relationship of partners/equals. And like misers who spend their entire lives solely devoted to becoming richer--if your efforts are only to get him to do what you want--here's the end of "the Devil's bargain:" Once the person you've manipulated to do what you want him to do discovers what you've done--he'll hate you for it. People who really care for someone don't manipulate him. Negotiation is not manipulation--it's a bargaining or arrangement between equals. To the credit of your friend--at least in talking about the football league, he's explored the idea of how equals will be open about what can be better in a relationship. I so hope you find someone you deserve who will be happy to treat you better than this man.

How Do I Not Automatically Fall For A Guy Interested In Me?

2012-10-22T06:27:00.000-07:00

Hey if you don't mind, I do have one question that I guess you could use as a blog post if you'd like (but I'd like my name redacted if that's the case):Thing is, I generally don't see myself as a needy guy. I'm very independent; hell, I'm living in a foreign country constantly speaking a language that isn't my native tongue. But outside of my typical independent nature, I have a very strong dependence on guys. The second someone shows me the remotest inkling of positive attention, I go loopy and fall head-over-heels for one or two weeks. This process has been on repeat for I don't even know how long now, and I'd really like to get more control over it — not only for myself, but because I probably end up hurting guys I overindulge in the process.

I don't see myself as someone with low self-esteem (though I definitely used to be), yet this doesn't stop and I need some perspective or some tips on how to not let myself feel instantly wooed and attracted by men whom I consider my type that are friendly toward me.

Any help would be hugely appreciated.

******************************************************

Dear Redacted,

One of the fundamentals we’re taught as Family Therapists is that families need to periodically renew themselves to be healthy. To put it another way, if a family only gets together for a funeral or a special event like a wedding, this sort of “recharging” of the family as a whole doesn’t happen. A family reunion, or the family gathering together for a specific holiday, where everyone knows it will happen each year, and everyone attends—does seem to keep the family healthy (unless there are dysfunctional elements, where everyone hates Christmas dinner at Grandmother’s because Uncle John will get drunk again, and Cousin Beth and Cousin Emma will get into another one of their famous fights). The point here for me is if you’re like many who find themselves in a foreign land, speaking another language, your support system may be operating without a lot of safety nets. That means you’re most likely not only isolated on a number of levels from your family, but from your old friends and former schoolmates.

Like a lot of us, you may have a certain dependence on social media, where you can still feel connected and can communicate with those who are important to you. For people who have more “specialized” interests, such as gaining, sites like Grommr, Beefyfrat, Bellybuilders, or Fantasyfeeder—may feel like a lifeline to grab on to in a sea of people who don’t share your kink. After a stressful day, it’s easy to kick back, change into stretchy pants and hit Facebook/twitter/grommr/etc., connecting to the people who have some level of importance in your life.

There is some interesting on-going research on just how much social media has started to change our lives, particularly those who grow up with it as their “first language.” This alters concepts of privacy. It also means young people (as in adolescents) no longer have the luxury of changing self expression. To put it another way, pre-Facebook, young people would often “try on” different personalities. They would play with accents and background stories. They would explore fantasies about what they wanted to be “when they grew up.” They had many options, and would eventually settle for what seemed to be the best match for them, and that helped shape their adulthood. But for younger people who grow up with social media, their “persona” (which is different from their “personality.” A “persona” is the public face you present to the world) usage has changed. Because social media can mean an almost constant observation of one’s persona that means unlike yesterday’s “flexible” persona, the persona can become rigid at an early age, and one can no longer easily “re-invent” oneself. For many, one of the treasures of college was you were leaving high school, and you could create a whole new person in your new environment where no one had ever met you. But now, whatever you were in Middle School or High School is hard to scrub from the Internet. On one level there is no “starting over.”

If you are relatively isolated on a social level, it’s easy to latch on to the Internet to feel connected. But this means what you’re sharing is ultimately your persona, with perhaps some hints of the “real” you for people you trust, or are starting to trust. But that’s just as true for people you “meet” on Grommr or other sites. You only know what other people choose to share with you. But as a human being, you have an amazing talent at what is called “projection,” where you tend to “fill in the blanks,” so you start fleshing out the person(s) you don’t really know. If you dislike the person, you will tend to project negative qualities onto the person, and carefully read his comments and profile through a filter of distaste. But if you find the person attractive, you will tend to project positive qualities. As the MEN Venn Diagram indicates, there are a lot of overlaps that determine a specific individual.

I attended a workshop on same-sex relationships, and the facilitator asked participants to write down 50 things he or she found attractive in a potential partner. This might be such characteristics as hair or eye color, height, belly size, age, interest in music, etc. But she was very firm about the idea what’s most attractive about someone is if we feel that person is attracted to us. Which leads us back to your original question. No matter how independent a person can effectively be, on a “hardware” level of humanity, like all primates, we are social animals and need some degree of human contact. I’ve mentioned in earlier posts two concepts—one is the idea of the Love Map—this is about your “erotic landscape.” It’s about what turns you on, like the 50 things that workshop leader was asking for participants to write down. But coupled with the Love Map is something called “limerance.” This is a “made up” term because the concept doesn’t exist in English. It’s the idea if I’m in a happy relationship, and someone walks by who matches 70% of my Love Map, I might think, “Wow, what a hot guy,” and then I go back to the keyboard and go on with my work. But if I’m in a very unhappy relationship, my limerance is impacted, and that means when I see someone who only matches 30% of my Love Map, my eyes bulge, my tongue falls out and Mr. Happy down there gets very happy. But it also means I can end up with "buyer's remorse," where I wake up the next morning and mutter, "What the hell was I thinking?"

I’m going to suggest that your relative social isolation and use of social media means your limerance level may be responding to others who respond to you in the way a starving person will be happy to stick just about anything in his mouth, but a well fed person is going to be a lot more picky about what they choose to put on their plate. I suspect it might help if you go back and think about what it was like when you weren’t in a foreign country, speaking a language that isn’t your native one—for example, perhaps in college. Did you have this same tendency to “over respond” to any guy who flashed a smile at you, or seemed to express some interest in you? You indicate you’ve had self-esteem issues in the past, and this might have also interfered with you having more “hands on” experience with dating other guys or being in a relationship. If this is true, then you have even fewer skill sets to help you cope with guys who trigger a major crush, making it easier to do your “head over heels” acrobatic act.

I want to emphasize crushing on guys isn’t a bad thing—it’s just a human thing. But your current social and employment situation may mean this is being intensified in a way you’re now questioning. Someone demonstrating an attraction to you can be, as the workshop leader stated, a real turn-on. I would suggest you try out a couple of things.

First, go ahead and make up your 50 attractions list. When you’re done, look at it very carefully, because as the facilitator pointed out, these particular attractions may end up “blinding” us to potential partners who don’t match those 50 items. This would mean if you are thrilled by a dark haired bear, you might never bother to check out a smooth blonde, who might have ended up as your best boyfriend. When you realize what your restrictions have been, it can greatly increase your options and possibilities that may lead you to “Mr. Right.”

Second, when you feel yourself starting to “fall again,” and about to repeat the pattern you’ve identified, take a break. Invest in a journal/notebook—or be 21^st century and use a laptop or mobile device—and start documenting what you’re experiencing. Be as specific as possible about writing down what it is that’s getting you so excited. And this is again human “hardware.” People who turn you on are doing fascinating things on a biochemical/neurological level within your body. For some individuals, this can have the same wallop as recreational drugs. But like recreational drugs, your body tends to “habituate” to them. That means after a while of having the same “dose,” you will need to increase the “dose” in order to get the same level of “high.” On a relationship/sexual level, for people who are really turned on by “the chase,” once they’ve “won” a relationship, it no longer provides that giddy feeling. The loss of the thrill can also be due to the fact the better you know the actual person, the more you lose access to the “persona” that might have been what really attracted you in the first place.

This reality is what can lead to “serial” relationships, or what we call in therapy, “the dance away lover.” This is someone who crashes into your life, turns it upside down, and when you’re “hooked,” will then leave you for someone else and will repeat this pattern all over again.

Psychologically, sitting down and journaling about your experience means you are no longer experiencing your interaction on a “direct” level, but on a “meta-cognitive” level. By the way, not experiencing things directly, and seeing your actual life like a movie or a video, is the cause of a lot of sexual dysfunction. If when you’re with a partner and your mind is racing with thoughts like, “Am I doing this too fast? Too rough? Will he notice I accidentally lost a few pounds? Should I have shaved?”—that means you’re not really “there.” You’re not inside your body-you’re inside your head.

And this is where you want to be (inside your head/journal), observing, commenting on, and recording your experiences/responses/behaviors. It’s what can disrupt the pattern you report becoming automatic to you. Once you’ve learned to do this effectively, you can then go back with a clearer head which will allow you to make more appropriate decisions in how you want to relate (or not) to other guys.

2012-10-05T01:10:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Recently found the blog you write and I'd like some advice.

I am a 14 year old gainer. I began to get fat at 7 years. Didn't think about it back then. At 10 I first began to think about it, and after a while enjoy it. At 11 I discovered the gaining community at YouTube and realized I might be one of them. At 12 I began to gain, as far as possible for a 12 year old. I come from a big family though so no one really cared all that much. I've been fairly successful, mostly from overeating at meals and my general lack of moving. I'm a gamer and spend most of my time here, at the computer. I am 242 lbs now at 14, with a current goal of 350-400 at 25 years.

However, I have doubts to. first of all, a friend of mine half my weight recently got diabetes and I'm worried I'll get it to. Secondly, my mom has started complaining about the rate we have to get new clothes. I'm currently growing both upwards and outwards so I need new clothes often and money is a bit tight for us now. It has also made her aware about my size and she's recently began to hint towards exercise and less eating. Thirdly, I'm only 14, will being this big and getting bigger at this age give me any extra conditions? I'm not full grown yet and I'm worried my weight might effect me maturing.

And last, is there any sites for younger gainers, all the ones I've found are for adults only.

Also, how do you personally feel about people my age gaining? I think you once addressed it before but I'd like to know more detailed what you think about teens gaining.

Hope you can offer me some good advice :)

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Ok—my personal attitude about young people is this—I was on the Board of Directors for SIECUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States)—we provided the most sex-ed curriculum for schools than any other agency. I feel about sex and gaining in the same way. As an adult, if I tell anyone, (including you) not to do something—well, duh—what are the chances you’ll go ahead and do it? Adults can control a lot of things, but like the Church and the Government, they can only attempt to control your behavior—never your feelings or your sexuality. That means I treat gaining the same way I do safe-sex. I want everyone to have the best information possible to help them make a decision about their own choices—but they ultimately make their own choices. But I think one of the worst things adults can do is pretend young people won’t “do things” we don’t always want them to do.

I think a general attitude in the gaining community is useful. Many in general society choose to engage in potentially risky behavior. This might involve bungee-jumping, rock-climbing, race-cars, or smoking. Is it safer for you in the “big picture” if you never bungee-jump, rock-climb, race, or smoke? Absolutely. Actually a major life risk is to get into an automobile. Even if you’re a perfect driver, there’s every chance some imperfect driver might plow into you. Life is, as we say in health care, a “self-limiting condition.”

That means whether you eat all organic food, keep your body fat percentage at a single digit, and exercise three hours a day, you know what? You will still eventually die. I think a real wake-up call from before you were born was the “running guru,” Jim Fixx, who really kicked off the running movement. And then he dropped dead while running from a pre-existing heart condition he didn’t know he had. The point? It doesn’t matter what you do, or don’t do—you still die. The real point? What you do before you die is what counts—and what are “quality of life” issues. For example I hired a personal fitness trainer and for over two years, I never ate a cookie or a piece of bread. Is denying yourself pleasure really worth it in the long time? That is something you can only answer for yourself—but it’s a very important question.

You always have the options to gain in the healthiest way possible. For example, diabetes is about how your body processes sugars and insulin. You’ve just told me someone “half your weight” (around 120 pounds?) developed diabetes. There are more than one type of diabetes, and for someone barely 100 pounds to have it probably isn’t about having too many pieces of pie.

There are absolutely individuals who report by changing their food intake (dropping off sugar intake) after they had been diagnosed with diabetes, who have gotten to the point where they did not need medical intervention (such as insulin injections) but still returned to gaining after changing their food intake. Keeping active also makes a big difference in keeping you as healthy as possible, whether it’s at the gym, or simply doing 30 minutes of walking a day (a dog is so helpful to force you to get out of the house). Always remember active Sumo wrestlers can be twice your size but still professional athletes

Ultimately, I support a feminist view, which is “My body, my rules,” which means as a bottom line, a person should be in control of his or her personhood. That also means an individual should take responsibility for the consequences as well. That means a number of gainers decide the pleasure of their bodies can be worth the “costs” of being a bigger person. It also means a number of people who want to gain make a decision not to gain precisely because of the costs of gaining, and may end up meeting their needs by padding, inflation, bloating, or other methods where they can at least temporarily end up bigger, but without the physical costs of actually getting fatter. You might want to explore these avenues as well. This is as true for someone 14 or 44. The major difference is that as a young person, you have a dependency on your family in terms of survival and support. Someone ten years older than you are, who is financially independent and living on their own, has a much wider range of options than you do. Which is why some younger people decide to do what they can, but accept they may postpone active gaining until they are no longer under their parents’ roof.

Let me add for most humans, they don’t achieve their ultimate growth until around the age of 24. That means even if you don’t decide to actively gain at this point in time, the chances are your parents are still going to have to buy you new clothes because as you point out, even if you don’t continue to “grow out,” you’re still going to get taller, which means you’ll need larger clothing regardless of your waist size.

I’ve also contacted someone that set up a website for young gainers when he was an early teen. Many younger people were active on his site, but like him, when they became older teens, joined on-line gainer sites and started interacting with other older teens and adults, and left those who were under 18 behind. I’ve emailed him on your behalf, asking if he knows of active sites for younger gainers, but have not heard back from him at this point. I would suggest you go to Yahoo.com and search under “groups” and see if you can find an active one for younger gainers. To be frank, Yahoo groups come and go, so there are some established for younger gainers that “exist” on-line but are no longer posting anything. But you always have the option of creating your own free Yahoo group for young gainers, because there will always be people around your age who want the same sort of things you want.

For Those Who Visit This Site---

2012-10-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

To the lovely folks who visit this site--gaining "stuff" isn't my entire life or focus, although it's a significant aspect of it, and the SigO (and I got a European question of what's a "SigO"--it's short for "Significant Other." I personally like the term "Significant Same," but have never gotten a SigO to accept that) takes a lot of attention. I have a number of people who contact me via "ProfessorFatology@gmail.com" and that's terrific. But several ask me to not post their questions and my responses on-line, which means I respond without updating the blog. The point-if you see that I don't update all the time--it doesn't mean I'm ignoring people, or I'm off on some orgy (lol-I wish--well, maybe not--the SigO doesn't like to "share").

So--yes-if you e-mail me directly, and ask, I don't share the correspondence on this site, I will respect that, but for those of you who are just interested in reading up on "fatology," remember I'm very careful to do nothing to identify the person who e-mails me, but in all honesty, while a lot of you think "I'mTheOnlyOneInTheWorld" who is "into" this "stuff"--I felt the same way when I was younger.

Frankly, I think it's really healthier if folks in the gaining community discover there are others who have similar questions and conclusions. For that reason, I think it's better if I get to respond to questions in this "public" forum than in private e-mails, simply because my response to "Gainer in Texas" may be helpful to a gainer in Ohio or Oslo.

UPDATE: One of my favorite lines from the old Buffy The Vampire TV Series: "Well, that's something you don't see everyday--unless you're me!" Right after I uploaded this, the SigO (who is taking the day off before he leaves for a trip out of state) yells, "So where are apps?!" (And for those of you who don't speak his version of English, "Apps" in this case means "appetizers.") For lunch we had gone to an India buffet, which we both enjoy He doesn't want me to do things like curries, because he feels their scents tend to linger in the condo. As a result, we only go to the India place every 6 weeks or so, but we greatly enjoy it, and it's an extremely high quality, as in, they hired a special chef and this is not the sort of generic India food one finds in most places. Normally one of the owners (we suspect he's gay) actually orders for us, but we normally come for dinner and he wasn't there. After the SigO had been back for a second large plate, one of the staff came up and pushed dessert. Let me give a context--the SigO, now at his highest weight, kicked in his periodic, "OMG, gotta go to the gym," which lasts a few weeks, at which point his newest clothes are no longer tight, at which point he feels this is too much work and then gains back any weight he's lost and then some more for good measure. As an example--we stopped off to deposit the rent check to our landlord and then while I went to pick up something for dinner, he wandered around. When we got home he came over and said, "Want a pumpkin macaroon?" Nice to know when he's been trying to lose weight, his first food choice is a package of cookies.

I suspect when the staff looks at someone who is at least 260 who waddles through the door, their first thought is not, "I hope he likes the buffet." But this time, a new skinny staffer came to us when we had finished and he pushed dessert (a closet encourager?). This was one of my awkward moments, where this is one of those places that calls food their actual names in India, and doesn't bother with any translation. Which works fine when one of the owners just orders for us. But the person pushing dessert was only able to hesitantly explain this one is made with chickpea flour, and this one is made with wheat flour. Fortunately, the SigO agreed to test-taste what was there. And he greatly enjoyed them all.

Which is why, a few hours before we normally have dinner when he comes home from work (I work at home on-line), he was asking about appetizers, and that threw me a bit. But--hey--as if a really good encourager isn't prepared. I did a round of potstickers before doing the prep for a pork stir-fry.

How Do I let My Friends Know I've Gained 30 Pounds?

2012-09-24T20:04:00.000-07:00

Professor Fatology,

I am a gainer and have put on about 30 pounds in college (all on accident). But since I've been somewhat self conscious of my weight gain I was too shy to show off my growing belly. However, now I want to show it off but don't want people to think I've gained 30 pounds overnight because they've never seen my belly hidden by my bigger clothes (plus, I've been sucking it in a lot, too). What should I do? Should I gradually show off my belly by letting it out more and more over time or let it all out at once?

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In my experience, (and advanced age, cough-cough), I have discovered a number of things

.1) If you’ve gained 30 pounds, then a lot of the people you know have noticed you’re bigger, even if they haven’t realized it’s 30 pounds as opposed to 10. Or as a film maker once said, “Gluttony is not a secret sin.” People who are going to notice have already noticed, and obviously, haven’t mentioned it.

2) Frankly, a lot of people adjust to things very quickly. The fact someone’s friend has put on some weight is one of those, “Oh, look, you’ve been eating well.” Then everyone goes out to see a movie. Unless I’m your tailor and need to let out your pants, whether you have a 28 inch waist or a 36 inch one, just doesn’t make the front page news. Well, ok, if you’re part of an Olympic swim team, then, yeah, gaining 30 pounds (Did you know Michael Phelps gained around 25 pounds after he won all those medals in 2008? He stopped swimming and enjoyed himself and got as flabby as Michael Phelps gets.), then developing a belly might be a concern to someone. But I’m going to bet you’re not on an Olympic swim team.

3) The best defense is a good offense. That means you’ve been waiting around for the last 30 pounds for someone to notice. And while you can suck your belly in while you’re thinking about it, you sometimes forget to do so. People who notice this sort of thing have already noticed. And if you’ve ever seen a more recent photo of K-Fed, Britney Spear’s ex-husband and baby-daddy, wearing large clothes doesn’t make you look skinny. It just makes you look as if you’re trying to hide your belly underneath large clothes. I mean, look at him in that white XL t-shirt. Does it make him look skinny? Nah....

So—here’s my suggestion. The next time you’re out with your friends in a bar (don’t know your age) or eating establishment, order a lot and laugh out loud and say to your friends, “Can you believe how fat I’m getting? I think I passed the Freshman Fifteen the first week of this semester!” Then do what you see hundreds and hundreds of college guys doing on-line. Pull up your shirt and pat your belly. The whole point of this is putting yourself in control. You’re the one who is both letting your friends know you’ve gained—you’re aware of it—and you give them permission to talk about it—and most importantly-you’re ok with it. Here’s the way to make this work. You need to exaggerate. This is how human nature works. If you say, “When I go to the beach, people keep thinking I’m a beached whale and they try to push me back in the water.” The more outrageous you make it, the more likely you’ll get the response, “You’re not that fat!” If you've gained 30 pounds, say, "I bet I've packed on at least 50 pounds!" This is what we call a “win/win.” The reality is, you’ve gained 30 pounds, and it’s pretty likely you’ll gain more. You want this to be a situation where you say you’re fat, and your friends go, “So?” Or you say you’re really fat and your friends say, “Oh, you’re not that fat.” The bottom line is you’re no longer thinking about keeping a secret, which to be honest with 30 new pounds, you haven’t really been keeping this a secret.

You can add, “I’m enjoying this so much I might need all new clothes for Christmas!” Then laugh. And pick up a slice of pizza (or a mug of beer) and suck it down. And that’s the end of it. I would also suggest you look around because I bet more than one of your friends hasn’t been able to button the top button of the jeans they arrived in.

And again—look around your campus. Statistically, there are a lot of chunky college students who aren’t going to be getting any smaller—they’re just going to get chubbier. Just like you. You’re fitting in fine. You’ll just be taking up some additional space. And you know what? I bet you will be needing new clothes for Christmas.

I’ll make one more prediction—when you lift up your shirt and pat your belly and laugh, I’m going to bet some of the other guys at your table are going to lift up their shirts and pat their bellies and laugh as well. This is one of those “monkey see-monkey do” things. Enjoy it. And enjoy those 30 pounds which are going to be making some new friends over the holidays.

Please Help Me To Be A Better Vegan Gainer.

2012-09-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Hi professor,

I became a vegan on the last 6 month and decided to try and keep being like that for the rest of my life to prevent from hurting animals...

My problem is that now I have difficulties in gaining weight because of my vegan diet which contains a very low amount of calories. I actually lose 8 lbs!

Do you know any vegan food or snacks that are fattening? I'm not so picky about this but I prefer them to be healthy, but still it isn't a must.

P.S. Sorry for my poor English, your blog is simply amazing.

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While being a vegan can be challenging in a non-vegan world, there are certainly some items that can help with your gaining. As you no doubt know, there are a number of non-dairy products you can substitute for milk or cream. For example, in our household, we often use almond milk, which provides more absorbable calcium than dairy. There’s also rice milk and coconut milk. Coconut milk is something very fattening, but you should try to use it periodically rather than constantly, since the fat in coconut milk is not as healthy for you as some other types of fat.

The easiest solution is to make vegan style “milkshakes” or “smoothies” to enjoy with your regular meals, or to use in between meals to kick up the calories. I looked at the recipe sections under Bellybuilders and Fantasyfeeder. Here are two examples from the gaining community:

Vegan “Milkshake”

1 450g (1Lb) tin mango slices in syrup
1 400ml tin coconut milk

Simply blend it all together, strain (to remove stringy bits from the mango) and serve.

68g fat
90g sugar
6g protein
990 calories

And here's a Vegan Fruit Smoothie from Bellybuilders:

Vegan Fruit Smoothie

:
5OZ of frozen fruit (Chopped)
1/2 cup Canola oil (Or vegetable, or olive. Canola's the 'healthiest' of these)
1/2 water or fruit juice (Apple or Orange works best)

What you end up with is a thick cool smoothie that makes a small glass compared to other smoothies and it contains roughly 1000 calories per batch. Recommended smoothie blends so far are:
Strawberry banana with apple juice (Great for those salad/soup/sandwich meals)
Orange Mango with Orange Juice (or water)

What happens is that the fruit sucks up most of the oil into it, retaining its calories, but the fiber allows it to be easily digested, not giving one a stomachache. The fruit (and/or juice) masks the taste of the raw oil, and the oil acts as a thickener (in more ways than one.)

Each blend makes a little more than a cup of smoothie (12 oz) and contains a little over 1000 calories. Not enough to fill someone up on one go, but enough to eat a meal along with.

And here’s a very simple snack to make that does not require baking: Peanut Butter Chocolate Balls

1 lb confectionary sugar
18 oz peanut butter
1 stick veggie butter substitute, softened

Roll into large ball in bowl.
Chill in bowl (about an hour?)
Roll small balls
Dip into chocolate (you can use “hot chocolate powder” mix for this) Keep stored in your refrigerator.

And remember rice is your friend.

Vegan Banana Rice Pudding

Ingredients

· 1 cup brown basmati rice

· 2 cups water

· 1/2 teaspoon salt

· 3 cups plus 1 tablespoon gluten-free vanilla rice milk, divided (see Tip)

· 1/3 cup light brown sugar

· 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon, plus more for garnish

· 1 tablespoon cornstarch

· 4 ripe bananas, divided

· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

1. Combine rice, water and salt in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and cook until the liquid is fully absorbed, 45 to 50 minutes.

2. Stir in 3 cups rice milk, brown sugar and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and bring to a lively simmer. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 10 minutes. Stir cornstarch and the remaining 1 tablespoon rice milk in a small bowl until smooth; add to the pudding. Continue cooking, stirring often, until the mixture is the consistency of porridge, about 10 minutes. Remove from the heat.

3. Mash 2 bananas in a small bowl. Stir the mashed bananas and vanilla into the pudding. Transfer to a large bowl, press plastic wrap directly onto the surface of the pudding and refrigerate until cold, at least 2 hours.

4. Just before serving, slice the remaining 2 bananas. Top each serving with a few slices of banana and sprinkle with cinnamon, if desired.

5. Tip: Some brands of rice milk may contain gluten. Gluten-free brands include Pacific Natural Foods or 365 Organic.

And here’s one that would work well if you add tofu, which will provide you a tasty meal:

Heat a tablespoon of sesame oil in a pan. Add 3oz pine nuts, 3oz cashews and 1 finely chopped onion. Cook over a medium heat until the onion begins to soften. Add 6 shredded sundried tomatoes, plus 1 cup of rinsed basmati rice. Add a couple of teaspoons of soy sauce, and enough water to cover with half an inch. Simmer until the rice has absorbed the water and is cooked. Stir in a large handful of veggies, such as spinach, or whatever you enjoy. Personally I add fresh basil to almost everything because I have a lot of it growing on our patio.

Enjoy your way to some more pounds and tighter pants.

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Ingredients

Directions