Profoundly Inarticulate

Farewell 2009

2009-12-31T19:47:00.003-07:00

Hi internets! It's been a while, but I'm still here, trying to squeeze one last post into 2009. Although, here is no longer where here used to be since Alex and I moved late October from our undisclosed location to a completely new undisclosed location, in a city and state that I only just visited for the first time in September. For the past two months, we have been adjusting to calling this new place home, the home where we will soon be welcoming our first child. Today, the very last day of 2009, I am full-term at 37 weeks and five days pregnant, due in less than three weeks. I made an agreement with him, my unborn baby, that he would not be born in December, and so far he has kept his end of the bargain. But anytime in January 2010 is fair game, and then, as so many seem to relish telling us, life as we know it will be over. Thing is, life hasn't been anything like what we've known for the past year, and mostly for the good.

A recap of 2009 and a summary of these past four months sans blogging:

January - Alex and I started taking ballroom dance lessons, attending group classes and dance parties.

February - My sister-in-law came to visit and I saw my first rodeo.

March - We participated in our dance studio's Festival (during which we even won an award for best costume). I experimented with drunkenness (sort of).

April - We were burglarized for the first time and tried to get pregnant for the first time.

May - Alex got his first job offer and we found out on Mother's Day that our first attempt to get pregnant was successful. The nausea kicked in, we decided to tell a few select people about the pregnancy, and Alex and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary.

June - We were burglarized for a second time, and we saw our baby for the first time on his 10 week sonogram.

July - I continued to experience pregnancy-induced nausea and exhaustion despite entering the second trimester, I took my first month-long break from blogging, then the nausea gradually started to subside.

August - We saw our baby for the second time on his 19 week sonogram and found out we are having a boy. I started feeling the little tickle they call quickening and became more pregnant.

September - We flew to visit the city that is now our home for Alex's official job interview, and also toured some hospitals, met with midwives and a doula, and looked for housing (unsuccessfully). I searched Craig's List for promising housing. The pregnancy became much more enjoyable with the absence of nausea, although the dramatic increase in my appetite often had me waking up starving in the middle of the night.

October - Alex went to a week-long conference then defended his dissertation immediately upon his return, we entertained his mother and grandmother (who came for the defense), Alex got his official job offer, I started my third trimester of the pregnancy, we signed a lease for one of the apartments I found on Craig's List, I had jury duty, we took our last dance lesson, some friends threw us a baby shower, and then we moved. I also became more pregnant and experienced my first unwanted belly rub from a complete stranger.

November - Alex started his first professional job while I became a house-wife and started taking belly-dancing classes at a local dance studio and prenatal yoga at the hospital of our choice. I joined a mom's group, took a class on breast-feeding, and we bought a crib and changing table. We made an entire turkey for Thanksgiving, just for the two (or three) of us, and had way too many leftovers. I became even more pregnant and started waking up more and more often during the night, and I determined that my new inability to sleep for more than 1-2 hours at a time must be preparation for when the baby is born.

December - I continued taking belly-dancing classes and prenatal yoga, and we continued to prepare for the baby, met with our doula and midwives, took several infant care classes, read lots of books on labor and birth, found a family doctor, learned how to properly install a car seat, and went to a few parties with new friends. I tried to take naps, but often found it hard to find the time. Alex officially graduated and is now a full-fledged Ph.D. I turned one year older, had my first pedicure, my first professional (prenatal) massage, and hit the full-term mark of the pregnancy after Christmas.

So that was 2009. A lot of changes. And 2010 promises to bring the greatest one of all, with the birth of our first child. Two-thousand-nine really did shine, and I have great hope that twenty-ten will continue the trend.

Wishing you all a joyful, fulfilling year ahead!

They call THIS "quickening"?

2009-08-27T18:47:00.001-07:00

I'm truly in awe of pregnancy.

I'm a scientist by training and analytical by nature. I'm well-educated in biology; I know how reproduction works. Yet, the fact of this baby growing inside me seems miraculous, magical even.

My little guy has been very active today and I've been able to feel a great deal of his movements as a tickle or tingle around my mid-section. I tried to describe to a co-worker what this feels like, something along the lines of insects crawling over my skin. She looked a me with concern and said, "That sounds really creepy." And yes, I must admit that put this way, it does sound rather disturbing. But I don't find it so. It feels funny, for sure, unlike anything else I've ever experienced. To me it's amazing, and all these little tickles and tingles make me want to laugh. And then scratch the spot that itches. To think that there's a brand-new human being inside causing such sensations is just incredible.

Anatomical ultrasound

2009-08-24T17:49:00.001-07:00

It's a...

BOY!

Visual proof (boy parts):

Lounging baby boy, long legs stretched out:

Looks like an attempt at thumb-sucking:

Ghostly 3D baby face, swaddled in my uterus:

My ultrasound today went well. The placenta is healthy and well-positioned, the cervix tightly closed, and the baby hanging head-down (at least for now). Our boy measured a nice, healthy average on all counts, according to the technician. She checked all his major organs, including the brain, heart, kidney and vertebra. He is estimated to weight about 10 oz. He was very cooperative for pictures, as you can see, quite willing to show off his cute profile, limbs and other assets. The experience was great, despite the discomfort of having someone pressing into my abdominal region on top of a very full bladder (a requirement for a transabdominal sonogram).

It's a relief to know everything is normal and progressing as it should, and very exciting to be able to drop that pesky "it" pronoun and revert to "he." I think the boy can feel my excitement, because he has been tickling me all day long with his little arms and legs. The feelings of movement are even more distinctive now that I can picture what is causing them.

Just about half way there

2009-08-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

There's no mistaking it: I'm definitely showing signs of being pregnant now, as I approach the half-way mark. (Twenty weeks next Saturday!) Unlike before, when I just felt sick and tired all the time and sometimes doubted the existence of the little blob that was causing all my discomfort, despite the ultrasound pictures -- those could be faked, couldn't they? -- I am fairly certain now that there is something alien growing in my abdominal region. My uterus now reaches my belly-button, and I can even feel a little movement sometimes, a subtle tickle from the inside, like bubbles in fizzy water. Soon I hope to be able to feel distinct kicking.

Other indictions: As promised, my hair has grown noticeably more thick, my breasts have increased at least one cup size, and I'm most comfortable these days in stretchy skirts and maternity shorts. I've had to invest in a maternity "tummy sleeve" to hold up said maternity shorts, which are still a little too loose around the middle. (But I expect that won't be the case for too much longer.) Surprisingly, despite the absence of nausea, I still have yet to get back the appetite I was accustomed to having before the pregnancy. After nineteen weeks, I've only gained 6 pounds.

Less fun signs of pregnancy: I have to pee constantly. I get up to use the bathroom at least 4-5 times a night, which leaves me pretty tired during the daytime. And speaking of daytime, all I can say is, it's a good thing most places I go have decent public restrooms. Even worse -- and don't you dare laugh -- I sometimes leak a little when I sneeze. Seriously, IT'S NOT FUNNY. This is definitely one of those pregnancy things that I'd heard of, but never thought would happen to me. But then, I've been in denial about a lot of things, like how big I'm supposedly going to get. I just can't get my head around it. Pregnancy is just a series of strange things happening to the body over which one has no control.

Overall, my moods have been fairly even over the past few weeks. I've had a few really bad days, when the stress* and lack of sleep wore me down and I fell into a depression. But for the most part, I've been surprisingly calm and even-tempered. This really is surprising, since "calm" is not a word I'd typically include in describing my usual, pre-pregnancy range of emotions. These pregnancy hormones must be doing something good for my mental state.

The fetus is supposed to be around 8 inches long now. We'll find out for sure TOMORROW, at my next ultrasound. I've been counting down the days for this one. I can hardly wait. We hope to find out the gender too, among other things. I feel a slight tinge of anxiety (what if there's something wrong?!), but I'm mostly just excited to see the baby again. Pictures will follow.

* I didn't want this post to be about all the stress in my life this summer, because most of the things stressing me out have nothing to do with the pregnancy, so I'm just going to include a summary here, as a kind of footnote, for anyone who is really interested. For most of the summer, Alex and I have been essentially in survival mode, just trying to get from one day to the next. His dissertation is due to his committee in three weeks, and up until last week, his advisor was not being very supportive of his graduation timeline, despite having agreed to it long ago. In addition, we've spent a good portion of the summer waiting for more definite info from the people who originally gave him the job offer on which all of our plans have been depending (previously mentioned here). Fortunately, these two particular sources of stress have since been resolved. Advisor is now on board and future employers have finally gotten the ball rolling in the hiring process. The day after Alex turns in his dissertation (a month before the defense), we will both be traveling to the new state to which we hope to move in early November. There, Alex will do a job talk for the future employers, get the "official" job offer, and we will look for housing and visit hospitals, midwives, and a doula for me. The month after this trip, Alex will defend his dissertation, and a few weeks later (we hope) we will be on our way to our new home (yet undetermined). On top of all that, several members of both Alex and my extended family have been independently suffering through some serious problems, which, while they do not affect us directly, are yet another source of anxiety and stress for both of us. That's a lot to have going on mere months away from the anticipated explosion of our lives with the birth of our first child.

I'm back

2009-08-10T21:04:00.001-07:00

Wow. It's been a ridiculously long while, I know. Thank you to anyone who has stuck around with the (until now, sadly unsupported) belief that I would someday return to this blog space. I have many great excuses for my absence, which also serve to sum up the time I've been away. To save you all time in reading this, here are my other excuses in a convenient list form:

1. No computer. My personal computer was stolen in the second burglary and the only computer I had access to at home since then was my husband's work laptop, which he has obviously been needing himself as he has been in the final phase of his dissertation writing. This excuse is now invalid, since upon the arrival of our second insurance check we purchased a replacement computer for me, which arrived last weekend. My new computer is now securely locked to my desk with two different bicycle locks, so no one's taking this one anywhere without my permission! Doesn't exactly look pretty, but it's effective. (We have also had our home alarm system activated so that it will now go off if anyone enters our house when we are not home. But I have hope that we'll make it through the next few months until our move without any more break-ins.)

2. Nausea. The almost constant queasiness and frequently intense nausea took a lot out of me. It faded very gradually by week 15 or 16 (I'm now in week 18), but I still have occasional bouts of nausea, and my appetite has been surprisingly slow to return. (On the plus side, I've only gained 3-4 pounds so far!)

3. Exhaustion. Apart from the nausea, I spent the first third of my pregnancy in a state of complete exhaustion. If not sleeping, all I felt like doing was lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. My energy has come back as the nausea has faded, but now I'm tired all the time simply because I don't get quite enough sleep during the night (due to discomforts and multiple bathroom visits) and my regretful lack of nap time during the work week.

4. Blogger burn out. If the combined reasons above aren't enough excuse for my sorry absence in the blogging world these past seven weeks, I must also admit to have been feeling a kind of weariness with blogging (temporary, I believe). The pregnancy, while providing me with an excellent source of blog fodder, also has left me feeling rather private. I am very happy and very excited about the big changes going on in my life, which would generally leave me enthusiastic about discussing these changes. Nevertheless, I've been feeling rather protective of my pregnancy experience, as though sharing its details in this anonymous forum, where anyone is free to comment on my posts, could somehow taint the sanctity of the amazing event I am undergoing. And if that sentence doesn't make any sense, let's just blame it on pregnancy brain.

Regardless, I'm back now. For the time being, at least. I can't and won't promise daily posts, but I do intend to go back to regular blogging.

Living in interesting times

2009-06-24T17:33:00.001-07:00

As if my life weren't intense enough lately, circumstances have provided me with more excitement than one ought to have between Monday and Tuesday mornings. Like the most horrible deja vu, Alex and I have had our home burglarized AGAIN, for the second time in the past two months. After four years in this place, in this neighborhood, to have two break-ins within a few months of one another... It's beyond belief. This time the break-in occurred while we were away at work on Monday and our sliding glass door was violently shattered all over our bedroom. It seems preventing doors and windows from being forcibly opened is not enough of a deterrent to a determined criminal. I feel so helpless. I don't know what more we can do to stop this from happening.

Surprisingly, they did not take ALL the rest of my jewelry this time, as I would have expected. They ransacked our bedroom and pulled out the top tray of my jewelry box, which was emptied in the previous burglary, but they did not remove any of the contents underneath. Instead they took a nearly worthless ceramic dish (which I loved) filled with all my everyday earrings, mostly of sentimental value: my very first pair of earrings -- gold hoops purchased for me by my mother, labradorite earrings my sister made for me, adorable ladybug earrings given to me by Grandmom. The only remaining piece of jewelry I habitually wear are they earrings I was wearing when this occurred.

Worst of all, the thieves took my beloved, brand-new personal computer, carefully purchased last fall, our biggest spending splurge in many years. Presumably our insurance will eventually cover the cost of a replacement, but nothing can replace our photos, my personal documents and files, or the many hours Alex spent digitizing home videos from his childhood and organizing our entire digitized music collection. My personal computer also served as our entertainment center for watching movies and listening to music. Now, not only do I not have my own computer, but we don't have a television or a music center either. And I am afraid to replace it, as long as we live in this place. The only positive I can see from this is that they did not find and take our brand-new camera as well. Then again, there's always next time.

Thinking about this doesn't put my mind in a very good place.

However, after a very restless Monday night lying awake listening to one of our poor terrorized kitties yowling his distress -- which is pretty much all I felt like doing too -- we finally got up around 4:30 AM to count down the hours until my first ultrasound on Tuesday morning. It was such a wonderful relief to see our baby, to see and hear the heartbeat, and to learn that everything is progressing normally. It was especially thrilling to see our 3.6 cm long fetus wriggling on the monitor during the sonogram. I had no idea there was so much movement going on -- not just wiggling of limbs, but the entire body turning about. I really look forward to being able to feel that movement myself, which the technician said I should be able to do in just a few more weeks.

Our wriggly baby:

Such a round tummy and sweet profile:

Just so you know I'm still alive...

2009-06-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

Here are the highlights of my life right now:

1) I am nine weeks and five days pregnant today.

2) The nausea is still going strong. I figure I have two or three weeks more of it, minimum. I've determined that the best way to deal with it is to eat constantly. Which sounds like fun. But really, it's not. I'd be happy right now if I didn't have to put anything in my mouth ever again. Some days, however, I find that even force-feeding myself doesn't alleviate my misery, and there's nothing to do but go home and collapse in bed. Which is what I did today after suffering through a mere 3.5 hours at work. Apparently sleep-deprivation (generally brought on by night-time nausea) can also exacerbate nausea.

3) Today I discovered another joy of pregnancy: tailbone or coccyx pain. I don't know how commonly this occurs; none of my pregnancy books mention it. But after waking up once again with this strange soreness in my lower back, I googled "tailbone pain pregnancy" on a whim. Sure enough, this is a known condition, although the cause seems unclear. Some sites claim it's due to pressure from the weight of the baby, but since I have yet to gain any weight, I find this explanation dubious. Other sites blame it on the softening of the pelvic bones and ligaments which occurs in pregnancy in preparation for childbirth. I find it strange that I only get the pain from lying on my side and not from sitting; after sleeping or napping, it basically feels like my tailbone is bruised and sore. In any case, I plan to ask my doctor about it at my next appointment in July.

4) I came to the exciting conclusion this morning that my mid-section really is expanding, the first physical proof I've had of my condition (aside from the ongoing nausea). Alex has been claiming that he can tell I am "showing" for days now, but I've just blamed that on some not-pregnancy-related belly fat and his eager imagination. Until today. Today I realized that I can see and feel a genuine extension in my abdominal region. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but the two of us, but it's an exciting development regardless. This is really happening.

Six Word Saturday

2009-06-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

Nausea continues to dominate my life.

My spirits are good and I plan to go back to regular blogging eventually. But for now, I hope you'll forgive me if I continue to slack off in that department while I try to get a grip on the big changes my body and my life are going through.

Click here for more of Cate's Six Word Saturdays.

I'm a slacker

2009-06-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I've been a bad blogger lately. The truth is, the constant nausea and aching tiredness have gotten incrementally worse to the point that I have little energy to do anything nonessential (essentials being things like getting up in the morning, showering, and dressing for work so that I can keep my job and thereby continue to have health insurance). It's not so bad, really. It could certainly be worse. I'm not vomiting. I just hate to think about, look at, or smell food. Because it's SO GROSS. And all I really want to do is lie down somewhere and nap or daydream, pretty much all the time, but most particularly while I'm at work and can't fulfill this desire. If I'm lucky, I'll only have 4-6 more weeks of these particular joys of pregnancy. In the meantime, my dear husband is taking very good care of me, doing all the cooking and cleaning of dishes so that I hardly need to set foot in the kitchen.

I had my second prenatal visit today, this one apparently for the purposes of drawing my blood and asking me to reconfirm all the medical information I gave the nurses last week (in case I changed my mind in the past week about when my last menstrual period was or whether or not I am allergic to any medications).

I find the medical hierarchy of receptionists and technicians and nurses and doctors rather amusing. After two appointments, I have yet to see the doctor I was originally referred to at this OB-GYN office. (I guess I'm not pregnant enough yet to be worthy of her time.) Instead I've seen a nurse for my past two appointments. But she's not just any old nurse; she's a nurse who has her own nurse. At my appointment today, I first saw a regular nurse who took my weight and blood pressure, and then I got to see Superior Nurse. At the end of my appointment, Superior Nurse decided she wanted my blood pressured checked again, but instead of doing it herself, she called Regular Nurse in the room once more. I guess Superior Nurse has more important things to do than check blood pressure. (Mine is fine, by the way. Medical appointments just tend to elevate it a little.)

Another funny thing: Although both nurses told me last week that my due date is January 17, Superior Nurse said today that it is January 16. It doesn't really matter either way, of course, but I wonder why she can't make up her mind. She also decided today that I should get an ultrasound to verify how far I am along since the date of the pregnancy is "uncertain". I suspect this is just a way of getting around the insurance company, which insists that every expense be justified (and I suppose my desire to see what's growing down there is not good enough justification). In any case, since Alex and I are very eager to have our first ultrasound, I chose not to remind her what I told her last week about having tracked my ovulation (meaning I have absolutely no doubt when I got pregnant and therefore know exactly how far along I am).

Thus, my first ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from now, shortly after the 10 week mark, which is when the embryo officially becomes a fetus. We are so excited to see our little fetus in just two weeks.

Silent Sunday: Pink

2009-06-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

A difficult week

2009-06-04T19:01:00.002-07:00

This has been a difficult week. I apologize for not commenting or responding to comments lately. My dear husband has had a very demanding week at work, and I tend to absorb his stress and tension, as any proper wife would. Then there's the car problems our paid-off but no-longer-under-warranty car has been having and the ridiculous slowness of the car shop at fixing the problem (two days for a two-hour job!), that left me worried about how we were going to get to various appointments (like my first prenatal exam on Tuesday). And I've just wanted to cry at the constant nausea and my difficulty sleeping at night, both of which are no doubt exacerbated by the extra stress.

So I was already well on my way into a depressive state when I found out yesterday from my perpetually tactless mother (remember the dead bunnies incident?) that my favorite dog, Emma (pictured yesterday) had died. My family acquired Emma from a local pound when I was a teenager, and she was 14 years old when she passed away yesterday on my parents' farm. I don't really want to write much more about it today other than (1) although my mother loves animals and dogs in particular, she never liked this dog very much and I have no doubt she is glad Emma is dead, and (2) my mother is very active on Facebook and she announced the death there with a status of "R.I.P. Emma," so that is how I found out. It's those two facts that really rankle. My dad had the decency to send me a more tasteful email describing Emma's passing as peaceful and serene, but by the time I got it, I was already aware that she was gone.

Needless to say, I've been heartbroken about it. I haven't seen Emma since my visit last summer to the parental farm. If I feel up to it, I might write a more extensive post about Emma tomorrow. She was a good dog.

Wordless Wednesday: Farewell, Emma-dog

2009-06-03T18:39:00.002-07:00

It's official

2009-06-02T18:32:00.001-07:00

My first prenatal exam was not terribly exciting, but the NP I saw did confirm that this whole pregnancy thing is not a figment of my imagination. More importantly, she also declared that my uterus is exactly the size she would expect it to be at 7 weeks and 3 days. That's good to know, since that's not something I can observe myself. I will see the nurse again next week for blood tests, which seems a rather inefficient use of appointment time, but I really can't complain about having additional excuses to take off work. I won't see a doctor until the appointment after that. It seems this will be a month of appointments. I hope I will get an early sonogram, but perhaps not since there is clearly no problem dating the pregnancy.

The nurse informed me that my due date is January 17, a day later than I had estimated, but that's because she only went by the date of my last period, whereas I took into account when I ovulated. I suppose, however, that I had better yield to the superior knowledge of the medical community and stick with January 17, 2010. After all, that's what's going to be on all my forms from now on. Plus, I rather like the number 17.

A child-free celebration

2009-06-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

For our last childless anniversary celebration, you'd think we would have focused on more adult-oriented activities. There were no cards or flowers* and we decided against going out to dinner.** Instead we went to see a children's movie, took a nap, and made ice-cream.

To be fair, the Pixar movie we went to see, Up, is pretty sophisticated for an animated film. We both loved it,*** although not so much all the crying infants that probably should have been left home with a sitter. The ice cream we made in our brand-new ice cream maker, purchased as an anniversary gift to ourselves: peppermint ice cream with dark mint chocolate chips (pictured yesterday). Alex wanted to add green food coloring, but I wouldn't let him. (I had to draw the line somewhere; we don't have kids yet, after all!)

We had such a pleasant, relaxing anniversary, I didn't even feel queasy for most of Sunday. In fact, I felt so almost-normal, I started to get a little panicky about the pregnancy. After two weeks of nearly non-stop nausea, the lack of nausea had me worrying that maybe something had happened to the embryo and I was no longer pregnant. I worried my way to sleep last night and worried when I woke still feeling fine. But apparently the stress of being back at work today was all it took to jolt me back into my nauseated state, which has stayed with me all day long; once more sick to my stomach, I am reassured that I am indeed still pregnant. My only regret is that I didn't more thoroughly enjoy the lack of nausea over the weekend.

Tomorrow: My first prenatal exam.

* Our cat Bear-Bear eats them. Flowers, that is, not cards. So I never get any flowers from my husband. It's just too sad to see the headless stalks, poking out of a vase of murky water, petals scattered over the floor. It's really a wonder That-Damn-Cat (Bear-Bear's other name) hasn't poisoned himself by now.

** It seemed like a waste of money given my lack of pleasure in food these days. Even when I don't feel like throwing up, I still have no appetite and don't particularly enjoy eating.

*** I'm not going to comment any more on the movie; you just have to see it. Seriously, it's not to be missed.

Silent Sunday: Homemade ice cream

2009-05-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

Six Word Saturday

2009-05-30T08:14:00.001-07:00

Last wedding anniversary before infant invasion.

Tomorrow, May 31, is Alex and my sixth wedding anniversary, our last (barring any complications) before our two-some becomes a three-some next January. We have incredibly exciting plans to see a movie (gasp!) and maybe go out to dinner (if I only I can repress my gag reflex at the thought of food). Yup, we're living it up.

Click here for more of Cate's Six Word Saturdays.

Not another pregnancy post (no, really!)

2009-05-29T17:24:00.001-07:00

I suspect that some of my readers may be sick of my non-stop posts on pregnancy this and that, nausea, blah blah blah. So I'm going to give you a break today by writing about something else entirely: Ballroom dancing!

(What?! You don't think a post on someone else's hobby in which you have zero interest is an improvement? Well, too bad, 'cause this is all I've got right now.)

I've been meaning to ~~brag about our mad dancing skillz~~ write a ballroom dancing update for a while. We are still loving our dance lessons. Everyone at our dance studio is incredibly positive and supportive and enthusiastic. It's a wonderful environment. I think of all the people and places we've come to know in this town in which we've lived for the past four years, the dance studio and the people there are what we are going to miss the most when we move, although we've only known them these past five months.

If I could package our most-favorite bubbly teacher and sell her as a mood-enhancer, I'd make a fortune. We laugh our way through most of our lessons with her. Recently, she's been trying to polish our dancing by teaching us some arm styling, one of her specialties. Dancing with any kind of "style" is not something that comes easily to either Alex or myself. We just don't have the coolness factor which seems to come naturally to some people. In fact, we are so very awful at arm styling that our beloved teacher had to ask us to please practice on our own, because she couldn't bear to watch us muddle through it (she was laughing too hard).

Despite this little failing, Alex and I have made great progress (or so we've been told by all the teachers we've worked with), motivated by potential deadlines associated with pregnancy and moving. A few weeks ago our regular teacher signed us up to test out of our preliminary bronze level. A supervisor came to our lesson and observed us dance everything we knew in the five dances we've been working on: west coast swing, east coast swing, rumba, cha cha, and salsa. We were both really nervous and I was already feeling tired and a little sick from the pregnancy (sorry, I can't help mentioning it!), but despite our anxieties, we did fine. The supervisor gave us scores in the 90s for all our dances and we are now considered intermediate bronze level. (Yeah, I know that probably means nothing to those of you who don't do ballroom dance. Actually, it doesn't really mean anything to me either. I just like getting good grades.)

The best thing about the supervised test was being told afterwards that we are awesome. Who doesn't like being told that? Just try this on for size: YOU ARE AWESOME! Doesn't that feel good?

How I became a carnivore

2009-05-28T17:19:00.010-07:00

Life is good, but creating life is hard. I'm happy about this pregnancy, of course; it was planned, after all. But I'm feeling pretty awful these days. The nausea that I initially thought I might escape is in full throttle now. It lasts all day and night. The only relief I've found comes after a substantial, protein-rich meal, and usually lasts no more than an hour or two. And eating a substantial meal is not on my list of favorite things to do right now. Most everything looks, smells, and tastes disgusting. Including, and sometimes most especially, the most-touted pregnant lady food: Crackers.

I hate any and all crackers right now. It's beyond me why crackers are thought to be a good treatment for nausea. Last week, the first week I began feeling sick, I tried three different kinds of crackers. They did nothing for me. I can't even bear to think about them anymore.* I can't bear to think about any food.

I made the mistake last night of trying to make dinner. I felt guilty because planning and preparing meals is typically my domain and Alex has been doing most of it ever since I started feeling sick. Plus, I guess I miss the sense of accomplishment I get when I put together a healthy meal for us. So I tried to make macaroni and cheese, Alex's favorite. Alex can cook a number of things, but mac'n'cheese is my special recipe, and trying to explain to someone else how it's done seems like a lot more work than just doing it myself. But that's what I should have done instead. Standing in the kitchen with all those smells... Alex had to finish making dinner anyway, as I ended up on the couch, moaning, not sure I could eat anything ever again after that horrible ordeal.

It's a foreign experience for me, hating food. Eating good food has always ranked among my greatest pleasures. Back in the day when I ate a primarily vegetarian diet, I used to look forward to meals and often enjoyed planning and preparing them. Now, if I have to cram something down my throat, it had better make me feel better (i.e., gimme meat, hold the veggies**), and I'd better not think too hard about what I'm doing or I might just change my mind.

Despite all this, and despite telling all our family, I'm still don't really comprehend that I am pregnant. It's a good thing I still have about 33 more weeks for it to sink in, and maybe in just 6-7 more, I will start enjoying food again.

* I can tolerate, however, crackers topped with cheese or smoked salmon. Just don't expect me to enjoy it.

** Not to worry; I'm still consuming a reasonable amount of fruits and veggies, and taking a daily prenatal vitamin.

***

P.S. Alex said this post makes him feel very, very sorry for me. Which wasn't really my intention. (Well, I guess I don't mind making him feel sorry for me, so long as that means he'll pamper me more. I just wasn't trying to have that effect on ALL my blog readers.) Anyway, don't feel too sorry for me. At least I'm not vomiting and can find some relief from the nausea by eating. I've known plenty of others who can't even keep liquids down. I actually feel pretty good, when I'm not fighting the urge to barf.

Wordless Wednesday: Fence wren

2009-05-27T17:23:00.002-07:00

I'm glad I'm not a goat

2009-05-26T18:17:00.001-07:00

Well, we did it. We spent a good part of yesterday calling family to break the news. In the end we decided that having family support right now in this exciting but stressful time of change outweighs the risk that something may still go wrong and we'll have to retract our news. I also told my boss today, so I won't have to come up with new excuses every time I use my sick leave. Alex may tell his graduate advisor as well, but other than that, we aren't planning on revealing my condition to anyone else until the pregnancy is farther along. Thanks to everyone who shared their own take on telling sooner, or later. I really enjoyed reading all of your comments.

Breaking the news to family was mostly fun and sometimes rather entertaining. My phone conversation with my grandmother, for example, who is just a little hard of hearing:

Me: "Hi, Grandma!"

Grandma: "Hello, who is this?"

Me: "Juliet, your granddaughter!"

Grandma: "Oh, Juliet! Where are you?"

Me: "Uh, at home, in [undisclosed location]..."

Grandma: "Oh, how are you?"

Me: "I'm pregnant!"

Grandma: "What?"

Me: "I'm PREGNANT!"

Grandma: "You're what?"

Me: "WE'RE HAVING A BABY!"

Grandma: "You're having what?"

Me: "A BABY!"

Grandma: "Oh... OH!"

Then there's my mother, who immediately asked if I was "surprised." I'm not sure in what universe I could possibly be surprised by my own pregnancy. How after nearly six years of marriage, I might still not be clear on how to make (or not make) a baby. She also said in almost the same breath, "Wow, you didn't waste any time!" and "You took long enough!" (the former of which is a reflection on the fact that we are having a child so close after Alex's planned graduation, and the latter of which reflects the fact that we've been married for nearly six years without producing children). I take this flurry of somewhat nonsensical comments to mean my mother is excited for me.

The rest of our conversation focused mainly on their farm animals. It's kidding season and both my parents seemed to take great pleasure in telling me in gory detail about the latest goat birth, which was apparently a painful and extended one -- the young buck was nearly 10 lbs! Poor mama goat.

Silent Sunday: Lizard bark

2009-05-24T18:17:00.001-07:00

Six Word Saturday

2009-05-23T08:20:00.004-07:00

Should we tell sooner, or later?

Since I've been feeling so ~~nauseated~~ pregnant this week, I'm starting to wonder why we decided to wait so long before revealing my condition to family and friends. We originally decided to tell everyone on June 21st, which is when the embryo is developed enough to be considered a fetus and almost out of the perilous first trimester. June 21st is also Father's Day and my MIL's birthday; therefore, phone calls to immediate family will not be unexpected, which will give us an element of surprise when we break the news.

On the other hand, my nausea and other discomforts have been increasing daily, probably due to rapidly increasing concentrations of hCG, which doubles approximately every 72 hours in the first 8-11 weeks. So it's going to become more and more inconvenient NOT to tell the people I work and interact with on a daily basis why I've suddenly developed non-contagious, ongoing flu symptoms. And it doesn't seem right to tell acquaintances before telling family. Thus, we are tempted to break the news to family this weekend, now that I'm six weeks along, even though I haven't yet had my first prenatal exam.

Anyone want to weight in? I welcome the thoughts of anyone with an opinion on this matter. I promise to read them all, and then go on to do exactly what I want, regardless of what anyone else thinks. ;-)

(Sorry this post is not in the proper spirit of a brief six-word Saturday!)

Click here for more of Cate's Six Word Saturdays.

Mood swings

2009-05-21T17:28:00.004-07:00

My mood has improved some since earlier this week. Fortunately for everyone around me, the intense desire to bite off the nearest head has faded, perhaps helped by a couple decent nights of sleep. (Except that just now, as I am about to post this, I snapped at Alex when he made a move as though to eat one of my crackers -- the nerve of him! -- so he says I have to take back the part about not biting off anyone's head. Sigh.) The nausea remains, but it is manageable, so far. I take it as a sign that the embryo and placenta are growing, producing lots of lovely hormones to mess with my body in ways I cannot anticipate. That's what's really scary right now -- not knowing what other symptoms might emerge and how they might affect me. No matter how much I read or hear about other women's pregnancies, I still don't know exactly how mine will unfold. I have to keep reminding myself, whatever happens, it is temporary.

I suspect the hormones are affecting my mood in other, less predictable ways. Last night I started reading Heather Armstrong's new book, It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much-Needed Margarita. Heather's humor may be an acquired taste for some, but I find her hilarious, a natural-born comedienne. Last night in particular. In fact, I found her book so funny last night, I wanted to share a passage with Alex. But when I started reading, no more than one sentence into the passage, I began laughing hysterically. I couldn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face. And instead of entertaining my husband, I thoroughly freaked him out. I'm fine, really I am. It's just so FUNNY, I CAN'T STOP CRYING. (Heather's great fondness for capitalization may have rubbed off on me JUST A BIT.) But I suppose that's a better state to be in than wanting to strangle my coworkers and that random driver who dared cut me off at an intersection.

Wordless Wednesday: Trumpet flower

2009-05-20T17:29:00.001-07:00

Bleh

2009-05-19T18:51:00.001-07:00

Bleh. That's all I really have to say today. But I'll say more, anyway, although I suspect I probably shouldn't. I think I jinxed myself last week with my posts about not feeling pregnant. I still don't feel particularly pregnant, not that I know what it's supposed to feel like; I just expect it to feel different. Not like this: Crabby, queasy, pimply, cranky, sore and really irritable.

All day (and night) nausea started yesterday. Sunday night, actually, when Alex inadvertently woke me because he suddenly noticed he had a serious eye infection, a very painful infection of the cornea. So neither of us got much sleep that night. Monday, subsequently, was more rotten than per usual, and today I haven't been feeling much better. (Alex is feeling better, however, thanks to some powerful antibiotic/steroid drugs his doctor prescribed.) The ongoing nausea is a mild queasiness most of the time. What is almost worse is the moodiness. Worse for who?, you might ask. I'm sure Alex would have something to say about that. Some of my coworkers, too. Anyway, bleh.

The cause of all this, my little blob, should be more like a curvy little shrimp by now. At this stage it's supposed to be an eighth of an inch long, doubling in size over the next week. It should even have a working, primitive heart, and the forebrain should be nearly closed. Two weeks from today I will have my first prenatal exam, which will hopefully confirm that everything is progressing normally.