Why I Still Eat Meat Even Though I Don’t Kill Bugs

AKA

And yes, this post has something to do with marriage

Photo courtesy of Hddod

After my last post Love Is… Saving a Bug’s Life someone asked me why I act so compassionately toward insects but still eat meat.

She didn’t ask, “Isn’t that hypocritical?” because she was being polite (thank you). So let me just admit one thing right now. It’s this: my meat eating is completely hypocritical.

I acknowledge this.

To Buddhists all lives are equally precious, and snuffing out a life – whether it’s a mosquito’s life, a cow’s life or a human’s life – is equally distressing. Killing anything—according to Buddhists—is one of the worst actions you can take. Murder of any kind destines you to experience your next lifetime in the hell realm.

I was once a vegetarian. That was years ago. I read Fast Food Nation and I lost my taste for meat. The idea of poop-covered cows traveling on meat hooks on an assembly line as underpaid workers slice them apart with knives that are not properly sanitized will do that to a woman.

But at some point after the birth of my daughter, meat slowly made its way back into my life. After first, I was only going to eat local meat that came from farms that treated the animals in humane ways and butchered them kindly and cleanly.

And then, before I knew it, I was eating salami, hot dogs and burgers—and they weren’t organic.

Indeed, I’d hear people talking about the latest news story about ground beef being the left over crud that someone had scraped off the slaughterhouse floor with an e-coli covered spatula, and I would think, “But it’s quite tasty.”

So when, roughly a year ago, I embraced the Karma Project, I will admit, I embraced it in bits and pieces. At first, I embraced what I, at that time, saw as the most important aspects of Buddhism: treating all living beings (especially humans) with my compassion.

But, over time, I embraced more and more bits and pieces. I started meditating regularly. I began seeing all challenges in my life as opportunities to practice Buddhism. I learned how to love the most difficult of people.

Sure, all the while I was trying not to kill bugs—but mostly because it seemed like an easy thing to sort of try to not do, you know? Give up meat = hard change. Not smash bugs = easy change.

But it really wasn’t all that easy. One day I was driving my car and a fly was buzzing around and before I even had the thought “that fly is so annoying” the little thing was smashed against my driver side window. This accidental killing of insects took place quite frequency. And whenever it happened, I would just shrug it off, thinking, “Well, it was just a bug.”

Then, a couple months ago, during one class, I had a revelation. I realized that I could practice my compassion on insects. If I could learn to look at a fly with love and compassion, I could look at any being – even the most despicable human – in the same way.

So practice I did. And soon I couldn’t look at a worm, a fly, or an ant in the same way. No longer did I see a bug with a dust speck for a brain. No, now I saw a living being with feelings, thoughts and a soul. I would see an ant and think, “She’s probably someone’s mother. I don’t want to orphan her children.”

And once I saw that, I could no longer kill. Killing an ant felt as egregious as killing a baby or a baby’s mother.

All of that said, I must tell you: I had pork for dinner last night. And I had calamari the night before that. And I don’t remember what I had the night before that, but I’m sure it was something that once had a brain and a set of eyeballs.

I could justify this situation by telling you that the pork was already quite dead when I bought it. I could make the excuse that I cooked it for three other adults and a child—all of whom would have been quite disappointed and sad had I attempted to make meatless bean burgers instead.

I could try to come up with a way to make it seem as if me eating pork (and other types of meat) is okay.

But I don’t continue to eat meat because I think it’s okay, because, for me, it’s not.

The reason I still eat meat is this: I’m weak. On the stages of change, I’m still on the second step: contemplation. I’m aware a problem exists, and I’m seriously thinking of doing something about it.

But I’m not doing anything about it.

It’s probably only a matter of time before I will look at a package of boneless, skinless chicken parts and I will see a live chicken with feelings, a soul, and a brood of orphaned chicks. I’m somewhat suspicious that day is coming soon and, when it does, it will spur me into preparation—which is the stage of change that will help me figure out how to cook vegetarian for a family of three—including two very happy meat eaters.

I’m close, but I’m not there. I am, what you might call, a Buddhist work in progress.

The Marriage Implication

You might think that this story has nothing to do with marriage and that I’m about to go off on one my multi week episodes when I write all sorts of adorable stories about my life that have nothing to do with the topic of this blog.

Nonsense.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we are all works in progress. You are, and so is your spouse. We are all hypocrites from time to time, too. This is what makes us all gloriously human. If you can come to embrace this both in yourself and in your spouse, you just might find that that slow pace of marital improvement – the two steps forward, one step back—isn’t so annoying. You just might find that the backsliding – him doing more around the house only to stop doing more around the house – isn’t so concerning.

You might come to see it all for what it is: a growth cycle.

And you might come to see each other for what you are: catalysts in that cycle.

You are the catalyst in your spouse’s journey of change, and your spouse is your catalyst in yours.

There will be times when you will wish that you could just dump water on your spouse’s head and halt the stages of change permanently.

But that would be like me thinking that, for the rest of my life, I will be able to look at a package of boneless chicken and not see a live bird that was once someone’s mommy.

It’s just not going to happen. Change is coming, whether we embrace it or not.

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A sappy story with a happy ending

AKA

An update on the Karma Project

Photo courtesy of Mike_tn

The other night I opened the door to let the dog out and in flew something rather large.

The rather large thing buzzed around the room so quickly that we couldn’t see it. We could only hear it as it buzzed and thunked here and there against a wall, the ceiling, the TV, the light.

“Woman: What. Did. You. Just. Let. In. Our. House?” my husband teased.

“It has to be a cicada,” I said.

I’ve always felt sorry for cicadas because they live for years underground, but only a few weeks above ground in what must— to them—seem like heaven. And now I had one of the poor buggers stuck in my house. The little thing must have felt as if he had just found his freedom, and then wham! It had been taken away and now he was suddenly trapped in a box.

The thing buzzed right by my ear.

“Ewww,” I said as I shook my body in a spaghetti dance. “It almost flew into me! Eww. Eww. Eww!”

My husband stood, stuck his chest out and said in a low, confident voice, “I’ll take care of it.”

He bent over and picked up a book.

“No! No! No! No!” I yelled as I saw him raise his arm.

“What?” he shouted as his arm came forward, bringing the book against the wall and the cicada, creating a sickening crunching and oozing sound.

“Oh, God, I think I’m going to throw up,” I said.

“What? It’s just a bug.”

I sat on the couch, my head in my hands.

“I was reading that book, and now it has cicada guts on it,” I said.

“Oh, sorry,” he said. He wiped the book off on his shirt and then he handed it to me. The book, by the way, just so happened to be Ann Rule’s The Stranger Beside Me—the true crime thriller about serial killer Ted Bundy. Symbolic don’t you think?

“Plus I’m not supposed to kill bugs. It’s bad for my Karma. I’ve been trying not to kill bugs.”

“But you didn’t kill it. I did,” he said.

“I could have gotten it out the door. It wasn’t doing anything wrong. The poor thing. It was probably scared out of its little mind. All I had to do was open the door and shoo it out. Oh man. I feel like a baby just died. I’m going to lie down now.”

He stared at me. I assumed he was thinking something along the lines of, “My wife is a total fruit cake.” He picked up the remote and got sucked into the TV.

Feeling black and sooty inside, I said a prayer for the little cicada. I prayed for forgiveness, too. I pledged to do not one good deed the following day, but three.

And then I noticed my husband doing something really odd. He was walking slowly across the room in a half bent over position. He had a piece of paper in one hand. I noticed a small black thing on the carpet, and it was moving.

He scooped the small black thing—a beetle—onto the piece of paper, opened the door, and gently deposited it onto the outdoor patio. He closed the door, stood and stared at me with one of the proudest smiles I’ve ever seen.

I stood, I hugged him, and I said, “I totally love you.”

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I’m trying to think of a single instance when my husband tried to control me, but I just can’t.

So I’m going to take a wild stab at this topic. I encourage all of you to comment away and let me know if you think I’m on track or on crack. (Hey, that rhymes!)

I believe control issues stem from a few factors.

1. A lack of trust in each other. My husband doesn’t meddle in most of my affairs because he trusts me to make good decisions. I trust him, too. This isn’t to say that we don’t occasionally ask for or offer each other advise. It’s only to say that we both acknowledge that we are separate beings who both have brains, points of view, values, and good ideas. If you think your spouse’s control issues stem from a lack of trust, ask for a trial experiment. For two weeks, your spouse will trust you to make your own decisions. At the end of two weeks, see if the world has come to an end. If it hasn’t, ask for a few more weeks.
2. A lack of trust in the inherent goodness of all things. Many control issues come from the feeling of being out of control and the worry that terrible things will happen as a result. The problem with this, though, is that most of the things that we try to control are really not within our control anyway. And no matter what we may or may not do, unfortunate events will occur from time to time. No one gets out of this lifetime without suffering a little bit of hardship. Part of the reason I trust my husband to make his own decisions is because I trust him to be strong enough to deal with the ramifications of his decisions—whether they be good or bad.
3. Low self esteem. Some people control others because it’s the only way they know how to feel loved. If they tell you to do something and you bend to their will, they think, “Oh, she really loves me.” This is, of course, dysfunctional, but it helps to understand the mentality. If you think your spouse controls because of self esteem issues, talk about other ways you can show your love.
4. Dominance issues. Some spouses use control as a means of gaining the upper hand and dominating the other person. This type of control may start off as what seems like harmless jealousy. It’s usually not harmless. This is dangerous and usually leads to verbal and physical abuse. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to this type of control issue other than this one: run for your life. Thoughts?

As I mentioned, I’d love to hear thoughts from others. Do you have control issues in your marriage? If so, how do you deal with them?

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Housework As Foreplay.

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“You seem to get more done than is a) humanely possible b) what anyone else is capable of getting done.”

I’m glad that I’m able to perpetuate this illusion but, in reality, I don’t think I get any more done than she or anyone else does. In fact, I’m often awed by all my friend gets done. She has all of the job responsibilities that I do, plus she has three more kids than I do.

How much we do or don’t do in a given day is really a matter of perception. We all have the same number of hours to work with. So the real question is this: Are you happy with how you spend your hours?

My days feel busy to me, and I do get a lot done during my waking moments. And right now I have a lot to show for it all. I wrote a book that will come out this December. I’m in the midst of the media campaign that will hopefully trigger every single unhappily married person in America (and even a few folks who aren’t married) to buy and read it. I’m writing another book. I have other paying work, too.

And I’ve been able to do all of this without working totally insane hours. (Full disclosure: I am working 6 days a week until book release.) My kid still calls me Mommy, and not “that woman over there at the computer.” And I do happen to remember the last time I had sex with my husband. It was a wonderful experience that I hope to repeat at some point in the next few hours.

And I even read a novel last month. (It was Olive Kitteridge. I highly recommend it). And I exercise somewhat regularly, although not as often as I’d like. I also meditate.

But there’s a lot that isn’t getting done.

Like cooking. I ate oatmeal and cheese slices for dinner tonight.

And cleaning. If mold isn’t growing on it, I’m not concerned.

And check book reconciling. Does anyone do this? Really? I want to know.

And I don’t see my friends as often as I once did. And I don’t attend book club regularly. And I don’t return all of the phone calls that come in. The same is true for email. I don’t watch a heck of a lot of TV. I don’t keep up with current events.

I rarely know what’s going on in the world.

I don’t play mafia wars and other games on Facebook, and when people invite me to play such games, I ignore them.

My dog usually stinks. And his nails need a trim.

Seriously, I manage to juggle so much because most of the balls I used to juggle are really sitting on a shelf—and they are getting dusty.

I can’t keep all of the balls in the air.

I once tried to do just that. I managed to juggle all of the balls by keeping one important ball on the shelf. It was sleep.

Let me tell you folks: you can only not sleep for so long. Eventually this strategy will turn you into a Mean Mommy and Even Meaner Wife Who Can’t For the Life Of Her Remember Where Her Purse Is.

Are you the woman I just described (or the man)? If you are, think about putting down one of the other balls, and pick up the sleep ball instead.

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At times I’ve wondered whether my career as a writer played a role in my ability to save my marriage. Does my skill at choosing and organizing words on a computer screen help me to more effectively choose and organize words verbally when trying to convince my husband that I am right and he is wrong? Are writers better communicators? And, if so, can married folks learn lessons in communication from some of the nation’s best writers? What follows are marriage tips from professional writers. You’ll notice that some contradict each other. You know what? Communication tactics that work for some marriages don’t work for others. That’s okay. Just read through and pick and choose which tactics might work for yours.

Tips From Writers

1. “Direct and emotionless works. Almost robotic–’I need x done’ or ‘you need to pick up so and so.’  If there is no tone, emotion, slightest bit of whine in my voice, it will get done without argument.  I use this with my eldest son (who is remarkably like my husband). If I were to say, “Do you mind taking out the garbage?” he would answer, “Yes I do.”  He is honest–he minds and now that bag ain’t moving. I’m not about to argue and being tough guy doesn’t work with him. Instead I say, ‘Hey Luc, take the trash up for me, k.’ And I just keep moving. No waiting for his ideas, no waiting for whining, and above all, NO eye contact.” — Claudine Jalajas
2. “The first time I went to a dance when I was in junior high, I was really nervous. I felt awkward, I was worried no boy would ask me to dance, and I had no idea what to say to any boy who wasn’t one of my three brothers. My mom was matter-of-fact. ‘Ask questions and listen to the answers,’ she advised me. ‘People always like to talk about themselves. Teenage boys do too. And if you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say, they’ll like you.’ My mom’s advice made my shoulders relax: listening to a boy and asking him questions took the burden of thinking up something witty and charming to say off of me. The dance was kind of embarrassing but also a lot of fun. To this day, when I feel shy or awkward in a new situation, I ask people questions and get them talking about themselves.” — Jennifer Margulis
3. “I pretty much just follow my mom’s philosophy: Agree with everything the husband says, then do whatever you want. Hey, she was married for 55 years and I’m going on 30.” — Jane Boursaw
4. “One thing that has improved my writing in the recent years is that I have reduced the length of my sentences. I used to have very long-winded sentences, which although grammatically correct, were not very sophisticated or succinct in style. By reducing my sentence length and breaking longer sentences into several short ones, my ideas became sharper and more cohesive. And now, I find, when I talk in shorter sentences, I’m more likely to hold my husband’s attention, too, particularly since English is his second language!” — Andi Fisher
5. “You learn as much from listening to the silences as you do from listening to words. Good silences, bad silences, and places between — they are all there, and all ways to learn.” — Kerry Dexter
6. “Be clear and write/say exactly what you want to communicate. A trick for this is to do a first round where you don’t worry about making it sound good or right or elegant or witty or fancy – just focus on the message. In other words, say it in plain speak, the way you say it in your head. Don’t bury it in excuses or flowery language. Just be direct and clear and get it done.” — Julie Roads
7. “Once, my husband and I were going someplace.  I was driving and we were stopped at a red light. ‘We need to have a talk,’ I told him.  Then I reached over and locked all the car doors.  He looked pretty damned panicky — but he knew I was serious. So, my tip: When you want to get your message across, cut off all avenues of escape.” – Ruth Pennebaker
8. “Forget subtly. I’ve learned to ask my husband exactly what I want and when I want it done. So ‘honey, could you help clean up the kitchen?’ is out and ‘Will you please take out the trash right after dinner’ gets a much better response. Obviously, I don’t do this with everything, but when I don’t get specific than I just think in my head ‘he’ll know what I’m talking about’–yeah, he doesn’t. Getting direct helps both of us.” — Kristen Gough
9. “‘When in doubt, don’t.’ I didn’t create this gem–and you’ve probably heard it many times. On the surface it may sound very expression-inhibiting, but I’ve found it to be quite the opposite. It eliminates the impulse reaction (aka: I wish I hadn’t said/done that) and makes room to sit with your own feelings before responding or taking an action.” — Meredith Resnick
10. “Speaking is only one half of successful communication. The other half? Listening. How many times have you and your significant other been caught up in a conversation that seemed more like a competition to finish a thought than an exchange of ideas? Instead of focusing on what we’re going to say next, we need to learn to turn off the dictation in our heads and just listen. This isn’t easy. While the average person speaks about 130 words per minute, our thinking speed is about 500 words per minute! So that’s why our brains are often jumping ahead of the conversation! Try to sit back and really hear what your partner is saying to you. Absorb it. Understand it. When you do, you’ll be able to take his or her point of view into consideration as you formulate your response.” — Kris Bordessa
11. “Once in a while my husband gets on an emphatic tear where he instructs the heck out of me on every little thing. So, I smile sweetly and ask, ‘Is there anything else you’d like to be bossy about?’ Most times this makes us both laugh, and we can move past the Mr. Do As I Say mode.” — Roxanne Hawn
12. “I do a lot of ghostwriting and book doctoring and I have found that when telling someone what needs to be fixed in their book, I always start with what is right about it. I talk about the great ideas, excellent organization or vivid examples they offer. Then, I move into talking about what needs to be fixed. I think this is a good rule in general to use for critiques. Saying something nice makes the process easier and the person has something to feel good about.”–  Brette Sember
13. “Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes that’s when the other person feels safest to gather their thoughts and express them.” — Sheryl Kraft
14. “Hinting doesn’t work with men. Ask for what you want and you’ll be surprised at how often your wish will come true.” — Melanie McMinn
15. “Before you open your mouth, ask yourself if what you’re about to say comes from a place of love. While I don’t always manage to catch every snarky, bitchy I think before it becomes verbal shards, I’m getting better!” — Stephanie Stiavetti

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Photo Courtesy of GlacierGuyMT

Last week I was being interviewed by a producer for the CBS Early Show. She asked, “What percentage of the housework do you do?”

“Probably 70 percent,” I answered.

“That’s interesting,” she said.

“Why? I think most women probably do more, don’t you think?”

“No, it’s not that,” she said. “When I asked your husband the same question, he told me that he did 70 percent. No, wait. I think he said he did 80 percent.”

I busted out laughing.

“70 percent?! He thinks he does 70 percent?! Did he really say that? Are you sure?”

She had to wait while I got all of the chuckles out of my system. Then I said, “I’m happy that he does any housework at all, but he definitely doesn’t do 70 percent of it.”

Later that day, I asked my husband, “Do you really think you do 70 percent of the housework? Or were you just saying that because you wanted to look good on TV?”

“How do you know I said that?”

“The producer told me. Do you?”

“Yee-ah,” he said slowly, bracing for a fight. Fortunately for him, I wasn’t angry at all. I found the difference in perspective amusing.

“Do you even know what I do around here?”

“Um, yeah?”

“What do you think I do?”

“You put the clothes away?”

“That’s all you think I do?”

“Um, yeah?”

“How about dealing with the mail? Paying the bills? Clipping the coupons? Buying the groceries? Doing our accounting? Taking Kaarina to and from school most days of the week? Cooking 90 percent of the meals?”

“That’s not housework, though,” he said.

“Paying the bills isn’t housework?”

“Nope. Housework is cleaning. You don’t clean that much.”

“I dust.”

He gave me the eye.

“Okay, so I don’t do dust all that often. But I dusted our bedroom for the TV cameras. And the camera man told me that I was a good duster. I also clean the bathroom once a week, and scrub out the toilet whenever there’s mold in it. And I clean the kitchen once a week. What do you do?”

“I vacuum. I pick things up. I do laundry,”

“But I put the clothes away. It takes longer to put the clothes away than it does to shove them in the washer.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Yes, it does.”

“Riiiight.”

Reader: I feel the need to inject here that this was a playful conversation. We were smiling the entire time and occasionally poking one another. I threatened to stop doing all that I do around the house just to see if he would notice. But I didn’t really mean it, and he knew I didn’t really mean it.

The following day, I was sitting at our dining room table, which has basically become a desk that I use to sort the mail into 6000 piles that only make sense to me (coupons pile, stuff that needs to be shredded pile, bills pile, Mark’s mail pile, etc).

“I’m sorry that I didn’t think of that as housework,” he said. “I see that it takes a lot of time.”

I hugged him. “By the way, cooking takes a lot of time, too.”

After this discussion, it occurred to me that many spouses probably walk around with this simmering resentment about their partners who seemingly do so little around the house. Little do they know that their partners have the same resentment about them. Fascinating, right?

So maybe the first step in solving the housework debate centers on this difference in perception. Who does more? If you both think you do more, then one or both of you is in dire need of a reality check. But which of you needs the reality check?

So I’m curious. Who does more housework in your home? Think about that question and then ask your spouse the same question. Let me know if you and your spouse suffer from a similar difference of perception as I did with mine.

Note: My appearance on the Early Show was bumped to next week, so those of you who thought you missed it really did not. I believe it’s supposed to run on Tuesday, but I’ll post an update closer to the air date.

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I haven’t been feeling all that inspired lately. Could you tell? It’s been quite a few days since my last post.

Last week the CBS Early Show was here all day to tape material for a show that is supposed to air tomorrow (Tuesday) about Chore Play (house work as a form of foreplay.) I’m worn out. Smiling and looking pretty for the camera will do that to a middle aged gal.

I’m still a bit tired from it all. There are posts that I want to write about Control Issues and about Olive Kitteridge (yes, the novel). But I don’t want to write those posts today.

Today I want to cheat and let you all write the post for me. I’m feeling a bit lazy. Plus, you all know a thing or two about marriage. You are enmeshed in the struggle and that struggle has taught you some important lessons.

What I’d like you to do today is this: share those lessons, so others can learn from your experience.

In the comments, answer the question: What marital secret have you uncovered from working on your marriage?

It can be any secret. It can be huge. It can be small. It can be somewhere in-between huge and small.

I’ll start you off with one of mine.

Alisa’s Marriage Secret

Don’t declare your marriage doomed just because a piece of advice didn’t work on your marriage. For instance, let’s talk about “I statements.” You’ve probably read (perhaps here on this site!) that you should use them when arguing with your spouse. Let me tell you something. It’s very possible to completely insult your spouse with an “I statement.” For instance, “I think you are out of your mind” is an “I statement,” isn’t it? I’ve found that it’s much easier to continually tell myself, “Find a way to ask for what I want without blaming him for my misery.” By telling myself that one sentence over and over again, I’m usually able to get through a few sentences without offending my husband. No “I statements” required.

What’s your marriage secret?

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Until yesterday, it was loaded with piles and piles of old clothes and other old stuff that was destined for Goodwill. There were my old computers that never did quite make their way to an electronics recycling center, lots of old bike parts and paraphernalia, VCR tapes that I have no idea what to do with now that we don’t own a VCR, a huge stack of priceless art work (the kid is very prolific), old photos, every trophy my husband has ever won, and much, much more.

It was a clutter bomb.

Yesterday, my husband defused that clutter bomb. I don’t know what he did with all of the crap that had once been in that room. I did not ask. All I know is that the storage room is now seemingly 10 times larger than it once was.

It’s a miracle is what it is.

As I stood in the room and marveled at his workmanship, he said, “Um, I’ve got some bad news for you.”

My body tensed up. What? A leaky pipe? Some treasured thing of mine that I didn’t even know I owned was now ruined? The washing machine was broken? What?

“It seems as if your dog took a dump in this room at some point.”

“Just once?” I asked.

“Seemingly so.”

“That’s bad news?” I asked. “Because pooping in the house just once? I don’t see that as a big deal. If you had found a giant pile of poop, I might consider that to be a big deal. But one little terd? Not a big deal.”

Silently to myself, I was thinking: Bad news is needing a new roof. Bad news is someone dying. Bad news is my car engine blowing up. Bad news is finding out that one of us has a terminal disease.

Bad news is not the dog pooping in the basement and no one accidentally stepping in it.

Never Tell Someone You’ve Got Bad News

Unless, of course, you’ve really got bad news.

Similarly, you might want to stay away from the following lines:

• We need to talk.
• I have something I need to tell you.

Sure, these lines are fine if they are being followed by something like, “I have divorce papers and I want you to sign them” or “I’ve been boning your best friend.” That’s what most people (okay perhaps it’s just ME) are bracing for when such lines are said.

Those two lines put your spouse on the defense. The suit of armor comes on. Your spouse readies for battle.

And then you follow up with, “There’s mold growing in the toilet.”

Really? I don’t need my suit of armor for mold growing in the toilet. Gloves maybe, but definitely not a suit of armor.

I think we use such openers because we’re trying to ease our spouse into the discussion, but they generally make every discussion worse. As soon as you’ve said, “We need to talk,” your spouse is already thinking about why you don’t need to talk and about how he’s going to prove that fact to you.

It’s also my firm belief that we all tend to talk too much when asking for change. We go on and on and on and on about how a particular action affected us. We really drive the point home. We come up with analogies and stories and all sorts of things because we are just assuming our request for change is going to result in an argument, so we try to cut that argument off before it starts by pummeling our spouse with evidence that proves we are right and justified.

But, again, I think this makes things worse because it only encourages our spouses to dig in and to argue right back about how we are wrong and unjustified.

Or maybe these things only happen in my marriage.

At any rate, I recently discovered a handy little trick that you can use to ask for change without putting your spouse on the defensive. It has two parts.

Part 1: Start with the phrase, “Oh, by the way….”

Part 2: Keep your request to three sentences or fewer. Like this: “Oh, by the way, could you not comment on what you don’t like about what I made for dinner. I’d be a lot happier if you didn’t do that. Cool?”

It has worked for me. Maybe it will work for you. Let me know what you think.

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The Art of Transparency

Photo courtesy of Teresia

The other day, my daughter and I were walking out of the post office. One of those huge rectangular sedans—probably a Lincoln Continental—had pulled up behind my car. Its front bumper was practically kissing my back bumper. I thought, “Dang it lady. Now I’m going to have to work harder to get my car out of that space. Didja have to park so close to my car?!”

It wasn’t one of my better moments.

The driver was a stereotypical little old lady. She had this tiny body that was engulfed by this huge driver’s seat. Her window was down. Her withered arm was reaching out the window. She was holding an envelope in her hand, and she was staring me down and smiling.

As I walked toward my car and her, her smile grew wider and she shook her arm slightly, waving the envelope as she did so.

My initial annoyance drained out of me as I thought, “This is a great learning opportunity.”

“Honey,” I said to my daughter. “Walk up to that lady and ask her if you can help her with her mail.”

My daughter did. They lady smiled even bigger as she handed my daughter the envelope.

“Now go put it in the box over there,” I said.

My daughter did. The lady thanked us.

“That was a good thing that you just did,” I told my daughter as we got in the car. “It’s always good to help little old ladies.”

Later, to help reinforce the lesson, I told my husband all about it while my daughter was in earshot. I was so proud of her, but all I got out of him was a, “that’s nice.”

And just like that I was aware of something that had been nagging me. For weeks I’d had this feeling that something was wrong with my marriage. It felt as if a shoe was about to drop. Because I couldn’t explain precisely why I felt this way, I had chalked it all up to hormones and fatigue.

But then, as soon as my husband said, “that’s nice,” I knew exactly what was wrong. He didn’t know me anymore, and I was worried that he would not fully adore me if I dared to reveal my true self to him.

Now, you might be wondering: How after 11 years of marriage could a man possibly not know his wife? How, after a huge marital improvement project and a very public blog, could there be a single secret left to uncover?

I’ll tell you how.

1. My husband doesn’t read my blog regularly. He mostly only catches the entries that are titled “my husband is a dumbass” or that a friend of his has mentioned to him.

2. I’ve changed—a lot—in the past year.

A year ago? I not only did not believe in Karma, I wasn’t even completely sure what it was. A year ago I was not meditating every day. A year ago I did not start every day with a mission to spread happiness. A year ago I was not consciously trying to do good deeds at every turn.

It’s not as if I was a bad person before the Karma Project, but I wasn’t consciously trying to be a good person, either. Now, doing good is a life mission. As a result, I make different decisions than I did a year ago.

And some of these decisions affect my husband.

And my husband doesn’t have a Karma Project.

So sometimes I don’t tell him about some of these decisions. For instance, a few months back I learned of a woman with cancer who was having a hard time paying her bills. She was a friend of a friend and she didn’t know me from Adam. I got her address and I sent her a check.

I did this during a time when money was exceptionally tight in our household. Truth be told, I did this during a time when I was forcing my family to make due with Guaranteed Value toilet paper.

That is but one of many examples of secrets I’ve kept from my husband.

It didn’t feel good to keep these secrets, though. And I suspected that I didn’t need to keep them.

So I told him about my Karma Project. He said, “What’s Karma?” It took some explaining. Apparently he’d missed all of the blog posts I’d written on the topic.

As I explained, I felt naked and vulnerable. I had a hard time maintaining eye contact and my words came out in a halting whisper.

“Does this bother you?” I asked.

“No, why would it bother me?” he asked.

We talked some more. Eventually, he raised his arm and presented me with his flat palm and a smile. I slapped his palm.

“Way to go, Momma,” he said. “I’m proud of you.”

Not adore me? Why on Earth would I ever think that?

Do you keep a part of yourself hidden from your spouse? Do you worry that there are parts of you that your spouse will not adore? Are you transparent in your marriage or do you keep secrets? How do you think your marriage might change if you allowed your spouse to know all of you? Leave a comment.

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Download your copy of Project Happily Ever After: Relationship Rules.

In this free e-book, you’ll learn some of the strategies I used to turn my Mr. Good for Nothing into my Mr. Good for Something, including ten Relationship Rules.