Project Happily Ever After

Turn Your Personal Weakness Into a Marital Strength

Alisa — Wed, 16 May 2012 20:33:57 +0000

As a society, we’re afraid to admit our weaknesses. As a result, we end up blaming others, complaining, lying, being evasive, shutting down, gossiping, backbiting, and just generally living in fear of being found out.

None of this is good for a marriage, as I’ve learned from personal experience. I’m guessing many of you have learned this lesson the hard way as well. In a great marriage, both of you feel so comfortable with one another, accepted, understood and safe that you are okay with admitting weakness. In a bad marriage, however, it’s easy to find yourself building protective walls, walls that make a bad marriage even worse. Walls push your spouse away, causing you to feel even more distanced and less comfortable. Our fear of admitting our weaknesses is often what keeps us from apologizing.

How do you turn this around? The first step is the scariest.

Make the first move. Someone has to. You could wait the rest of your life for your spouse to do it, or you could take control of the situation and be the first to admit that you are only human. Here are a few things to think about:

Unless you married an enlightened being, your spouse is only human, too. Everyone has a weakness somewhere. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. Everyone screws up from time to time.
Chances are that your spouse won’t react as negatively as you think he or she will react. We all suffer from a negativity bias that causes us to predict negative outcomes that sound like this, “If I admit to X, then my spouse will….” Quite often our predictions are way off the mark.
Refusing to admit your weakness just makes you weaker. As soon as you admit a weakness, you feel stronger.
Admitting a weakness brings you and your spouse closer.

Use language of change. It’s hard to admit that you are “too emotional,” “can’t pay attention” or are “too stressed.” It’s not as hard to admit (or to hear) that you are “too emotional right now” “can’t pay attention right now” or are “too stressed right now.” Similarly “I don’t like you right now” inflicts less of a sting than “I don’t like you” and “I’m too tired to clean the house right now” won’t annoy your spouse as much as “I’m too tired to clean the house.” Similarly “I don’t feel like having sex right now” isn’t as hard to hear as “I don’t feel like having sex.” The “right now” implies that this negative situation or emotion is not your identity and it’s not permanent.

Admit that you don’t like your weakness. This further humanizes you and allows your spouse to know that this is a sensitive topic. It’s the difference between “I wish I wasn’t too emotional right now” and “I’m too emotional right now.” It’s also the difference between “I’m embarrassed that I’m so angry that I don’t even like you right now. That’s how angry I am” and “I don’t like you right now.” Similarly, think about how “I wish I wanted to have sex right now” feels compared to “I don’t want to have sex.” The first leads to solution oriented thinking and begs the question, “What would make you want to have sex right now or sometime later?” The second shuts down the conversation.

Express love. Rather than make your weakness all about you, get some buy in from your spouse. To do so, express your concern not only for your happiness, but also for your spouse’s happiness, too. This sounds like this, “I don’t think we should have this conversation right now because I’m too emotional. I’m afraid I might say something hurtful and I don’t want to do that to you. Could we talk about this in a few hours when I feel calmer?” Similarly “I feel really anxious and stressed right now. I wish I didn’t feel this way, but I do and I’m worried that I’m about to blow my lid. I don’t want to do that in front of you or our children because none of you deserve to be around me when I’m like that. So I’m going to go in the bedroom, shut the door and put myself in time out for a while.” It also sounds like this, “I really want to rock your world in bed because you deserve that, but I’m way too tired right now to make that happen. I don’t want to go through the motions with you. I want to be fully present. Could we have sex in the morning when I’m feeling more energetic?”

What stops you from admitting your weaknesses? How does that impact your marriage? What have you done to be more vulnerable with your spouse? What advice do you have to offer others?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide. Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

How to get past an emotional affair

Alisa — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:25:51 +0000

Your Chance to Help a Reader Out

When I asked about your most vexing marital problems, one reader wrote this:

“I cannot seem to stay focused on my marriage. I keep drifting away. And I’m kind of having an emotional relationship with another man. And I feel so guilty for doing it. I am forcing myself to stop. But I have all this guilt pent up inside of me…and I sometimes feel like I would rather be with this other man. I don’t know what to do. I want this marriage to work. But I want my husband to be like this other man. That is so wrong. I feel so ashamed…”

There are many different conventional ways to deal with this situation and I’m hoping the readers here will suggest them all to you. As for my advice, I’d like to tell you about several Buddhist meditation techniques that I’ve found quite helpful. It’s possible they might help you. It’s possible they won’t. Just keep an open mind, try them and see what happens.

1. Turn your shame into action. Your shame serves no one. It doesn’t serve you, and it doesn’t serve your spouse, either. So use that sense of shame to create a healthy and strong feeling of renunciation. Renunciation is the feeling that says, “I’m done with this. I do not want to do this anymore. I want this problem out of my life and I am going to do whatever it takes to ensure I overcome this problem.” Then whenever you feel ashamed–for backsliding, for indulging in a fantasy, for turning to your emotional confidant instead of your spouse–remind yourself of your pledge. Say, “Enough already! Enough!”

2. Offer your emotional attachment to a higher power. Think of the person you are attracted to and then imagine yourself giving that person as a gift to Buddha, Jesus, Mohammad or some living being that you greatly admire and respect. Say, “Please hold onto this person for me for a while. Care for this person with love.” Do this visualization every day, and especially do it when you find yourself obsessing about that person.

3. Redirect your attention and love. Visualize your spouse clearly. Take the same love and passion you felt for the other person and now imagine yourself feeling it just as strongly for your spouse. Do this over and over again. It might help to imagine your love in the form of light. See that light leaving your heart and enveloping your spouse.

4. Meditate on your spouse’s kindness. Take note of all of the wonderful things your spouse does for you day in and day out. Try not to harp on the negative. Accentuate the positive. Even write it all down in a gratitude journal that you read often to remind yourself that your spouse rocks.

5. Be patient. Your feelings won’t change overnight, but they will change. If you don’t believe me, think back to a crush you had years ago, perhaps in high school. Remember how strongly you felt and how absolutely sure you were of your love? If someone had told you back then that you would eventually get over that guy, would you have believed it? Probably not. It’s the same now. Eventually this emotional affair will weaken and end.

Readers: What is your advice? What do you think this reader should do? How can this reader move past this emotional affair and embrace her husband again?

Note: I’ve noticed that the number of comments have been dwindling. It’s possible that’s because I’m writing boring content that no one is reading. If so, no worries. If, however, the comments are dropping because of some technical issue, please make me aware of it: alisa (at) alisabowman (dot) com.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

6 Ways to Pick a Battle

Alisa — Wed, 09 May 2012 14:10:54 +0000

At weddings when people are giving advice to the bride and groom, they often say, “Pick your battles.” The advice dates back to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and makes sense in theory. On the other hand, it’s quite difficult to put into effect. Which battles do you pick? Which ones do you let go? How does one walk the fine line that separates “doormat” from “picky and pushy”?

For instance, in this post, the Simple Dude complains about his lady friend who leaves her dirty dishes in the sink for him to deal with. Is this a battle that he is smartly choosing not to fight? Or should he say something? By not saying something, is he hiding a part of himself from his loved one, in effect creating distance in the relationship?

Think about your own relationships, especially your marriage. How do you decide which battles to fight and which ones to let go? Is it a conscious decision, one that you make from a place of logic? Or is it an emotional decision, one that comes from a place of fear (leading to the doormat issue) or anger (leading to the picky and pushy issue)?

Here are 6 questions I try think about when deciding how to pick a battle.

Am I angry right now? Then now is not the time to fight this battle. I might fight this battle later—with a calm, clear head—but now is not that time.
Have I fought this battle before? If so, what tactics did I try? Is there anything new to try? Or is this a lost cause? If so, would it be more productive for me to work on patient acceptance rather than assertiveness?
Or is this a new battle? If so, then my spouse probably doesn’t know this bothers me. In that case, I really should speak up. Doing so will eventually bring us closer.
Have I wanted to say something for a long time? If so, what’s stopping me? Is it fear? Then I definitely need to say something, if only to get over my fear. Fear is no excuse. (This is a lesson I learned from Be Fearless, a book I highly recommend for reasons that should be obvious).
How much does this problem affect me? Am I ticked off about a habit that really only affects my spouse? Or is it something that affects my daily life, too? How will my life change if I speak up and fight this battle? If it will change a lot, then it’s probably worth speaking up. If it won’t change at all, it might be better to work on patient acceptance.
Can I start a conversation about this without starting a battle? If yes, then it’s definitely worth it. If no, then it still might be worth it if the answers to #3 and #4 are yes.

How do you pick your battles?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Wisdom of Dog #4

Alisa — Mon, 07 May 2012 20:23:12 +0000

Wait, you thought that was a blanket and cushion for me to sit on? That's curious because when I saw that stuff, I saw chew toys. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to lie on top of it. As you can see, no object exists from its own side. We all impute our own meaning. You imputed blanket. I imputed chew toy. We're both right and we're both wrong. That's the true nature of reality.

No related posts.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

4 Reasons Irritating People Are Gifts

Alisa — Wed, 02 May 2012 20:57:57 +0000

While teaching meditation last night, I announced, “I am going to convince you by the end of class that angry, irritating, mean people are gifts–and you should be thankful to have them in your lives.” Everyone laughed and thought I was joking. I wasn’t. As I’ve written before, the most difficult people in our lives help us to grow the most. Without them, life would be boring. It would also lack meaning.

This is especially true when the irritating person in your life happens to be your spouse. Often when we’re annoyed at a spouse, we think things like, “I don’t deserve this,” “I deserve better,” “he/she should know better,” “I shouldn’t have to put up with this,” and so on. (What do you think when you are annoyed at your spouse? Tell me about it in the comments). The problem with such thoughts is that they don’t feel good. If you don’t believe me, just feed one of them into your brain right now. Tell yourself, “I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap.” See how you feel. Wonderful? Like you are skipping through a field of daisies on a cool spring day?

I didn’t think so.

No, all those thoughts do is cause you to tense, tighten and prepare to inflict pain. They lead you down the road of retaliation, a response that does one thing and one thing only–Cause your spouse to think “I don’t deserve this,” “I deserve better,” “he/she should know better,” and “I shouldn’t have to put up with this.” And soon you have what’s known as the vicious cycle.

To turn all of this around, we need to think differently. We have to break out of the “I don’t deserve” cycle and instead learn to see hardship as a gift. Here are 4 ways to do just that.

1. See things from your spouse’s perspective. Rather than fixate on what you do and don’t deserve, take a moment to think about what your spouse does and does not deserve. Take your ego and put it between your spouse’s ears. How does your spouse see the world? When you do this, you will realize that your spouse is motivated by the same concerns that motivate you. Your spouse wants to be happy and does not want to suffer. You want to be happy and you don’t want to suffer. Once you see that common ground, you have a great gift, one that will allow you to better communicate with all humans, not just your spouse.

2. Understand your spouse’s suffering. Angry people are not happy people. Neither are controlling people, envious people, or greedy people. Non-virtuous qualities lead to suffering. When your spouse shows you anger, envy or something else, your spouse is really saying, “I’m in a lot of pain right now. This really seriously hurts.” Once you can see that, it’s a gift because you’ll become a more compassionate human being, one with a much bigger heart. Who doesn’t want a bigger heart?

3. Delay your gratification. When someone is in our face and pushing all of our buttons, it’s tempting to react quickly and loudly. Delay your knee jerk response by reminding yourself, “No one ever died from anger, embarrassment, or irritation. This is just an uncomfortable negative emotion, nothing more.” Then see how long you can quietly sit with that emotion. At first you might delay your reaction by 30 seconds. Then 1 minute. Then 2. Then 20. Then an hour. Eventually you’ll be able to delay until you’ve calmed down and can think and talk clearly, in a way your spouse is likely to understand. This is a gift because there are many moments in life when we must delay gratification. If you learn to do this with your spouse, you’ll be better able to do it with food, money and more. You’ll also be better able to deal with tense situations at work without losing your cool.

4. Search for the common good. Often when we get locked in battle, we attempt to force our will on our spouse–and our spouse attempts to force his or her will on us. When this happens, no one wins. If you become skilled at point #2, you can avoid having a battle of wills. Instead of thinking about getting what you want, you can shift into a different mode: giving your spouse what he needs to be happy and avoid suffering. Quite often, what your spouse needs to be happy and avoid suffering is exactly what you need to accomplish the same goals. For instance, you calling your spouse names isn’t going to make your spouse happy, and it’s not going to make you happy either. On the other hand, admitting you made a mistake can lead to happiness: for you and for your spouse. Similarly, removing yourself from the situation can also serve as a win-win. It gets you away from the source of your stress (your spouse) and gets your spouse away from the source of his stress (you). Finding the common good is a lot like solving a riddle. You get better at it with practice. If you practice on your spouse, you’ll eventually be able to do this with other people, too. What a gift that would be!

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How to Say Yes to Change

Alisa — Wed, 02 May 2012 15:45:32 +0000

On my Frequently Asked Questions page of this site, I used to list reasons I refuse to review the various books publicists want me to write about. For instance, I mentioned that I don’t respond to emails that are not addressed to me by name because that tells me that the publicist didn’t take the time to figure out what my name actually is. I also don’t respond to emails that look as if some of the content has been cut and pasted into a form letter. And I don’t respond to pitches for dating books because, well, it should be obvious, shouldn’t it?

I ended up deleting all of that information, though, after someone wrote to me and told me that my FAQ made me seem arrogant. I admit that I probably wrote them while I was in a bad mood. Lesson learned.

At any rate, when Alex Blackwell wrote and asked me if I would review his new book Saying Yes to Change, I immediately responded, “Of course!” That’s because I’m friendly with Alex in an Internet sort of way. We’ve never met in real life, but I know what he’s about because I’ve read his site. He’s about spreading happiness. That’s a goal I can firmly get behind.

In his book Saying Yes to Change, Alex shares a journey–his own–of an ordinary person who could have gone on to live a life of loneliness. An overachiever and workaholic, Alex one day found himself at midlife, and he was feeling empty. His wife was about to leave him. He was distant from his children. He felt like an outcast who was trying desperately to find a connection. He was fearful, unsatisfied, and disconnected.

Then he went to a Breakthrough seminar, one that taught him that change is always possible. That seminar led him to change his life for the better, starting with his marriage.

In Saying Yes to Change, Alex offers 10 lessons that can help anyone embrace change. Each lesson flows in a logical order, and they come complete with touching stories from Alex’s life along with specific tips and strategies. It’s the kind of book one can and should read one lesson at a time, consider its message and put it into practice before moving onto the next. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the book:

“We’re used to looking at a situation and seeing the negative. We wish our parents had done things differently. We wish people understood us better. We wish it wasn’t such a struggle to accept what we have and find joy in the everyday. But we have the ability to create our own reality.”

“Thankfully, no challenge I’ve faced so far has killed me. But being made stronger isn’t a given. It’s a choice.”

“My extraordinary life will not be counted in the currency of money or status. I have a different plan in mind. My plan is just to be extraordinarily Alex–and that is more than enough.”

I don’t think anyone could say it better. It’s a wonderful book, the kind that will help you to appreciate what’s most important in life and to walk away from what’s not important at all. If you are at a crossroads, definitely pick it up. This book will help lead you down the right path.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

5 Words That Saved a Marriage

Alisa — Tue, 01 May 2012 13:40:21 +0000

How One Husband Convinced His Wife to Give Him a Second Chance

I can’t tell you how many readers write and ask, “My spouse doesn’t want to be married anymore. What can I do to stop my spouse from leaving?” These emails pain my heart because I have so little advice on the matter. That’s why I’m thrilled to bring you this guest post from Alex Blackwell, the creator of The Bridge Maker and author of the recently released Saying Yes to Change. It should be obvious that I’m a big fan of Alex and his writing. I blurbed the back of his book. I believe everyone should buy and read it. I’ll tell you why tomorrow. For now, here’s how Alex saved his marriage.

My marriage to Mary Beth has seen the extremes over the last 27 years. In 2003, it was about to end. My focus had become too much on myself and on what I needed. My wife and children were somewhere in the background. It took the shock of seeing the people I loved becoming so unhappy to startle me into changing.

Motivated to save our marriage, I enrolled in a spiritual and personal transformation seminar, BreakThrough. It was at this seminar I realized that if my heart was to connect with my wife’s heart, then it was up to me to make the connection. I had withheld my affection for too long. So, I dug in and worked hard to begin making the changes that our marriage needed.

Mary Beth’s heart was touched by the changes she was beginning to see and she gave me a second chance – and we haven’t looked back since.

Five Simple Words

I love this blog (thanks for having me Alisa!). Most of the articles here obviously come from a wife’s perspective, so I’ve decided to write the rest of this article exclusively from a husband’s point of view.

Gentlemen – it’s never too late to save or improve your marriage. All it takes is the awareness to do it. So guys, it’s my pleasure to share a husband’s perspective, my perspective, and five simple words that may save your marriage, too.

Respect

Respect your wife. Give her the freedom to grow and build a life that doesn’t include you. Allow her to see the wonderful gifts inside of her and then celebrate as your wife shares these with the world. Respect the love she gives you. Soak it in. Let it cover you with its sweetness. Understand this is the best gift she can give anyone. Honor her gift with your love and fidelity – always.

Give

Give without expecting anything in return. Give because your heart says to give. Give her the best you have to offer. When she asks what’s on your mind, give her an honest answer. When she needs comfort, give her more than she expects. When she needs to lift her head to see her mistakes, give her a tender nudge and then get out of the way. Give her a safe place to cry and to be weak. Give her the chance to be whoever she wants to be.

Share

Share everything. From the last piece of cake to monitoring your children’s homework, take an active, equal role in the marriage. Resentment begins with a soft whisper before growing into a more demonstrative outburst. To share a life, the things in it must be shared too.

Enjoy

From the odd quarks to her radiance, and everything in between, enjoy your wife. Take her in. Watch as she sleeps, as she brushes her hair, as she sits next to you thumbing through a magazine. Watch her elegance, her tenderness and her expressions of joy, suspense, anger and fear. Bottle these moments in your mind and take them out whenever you want to enjoy a dose of her amazing beauty.

Persist

Managing finances, raising children, building a career, relocating, enduring a crisis, all contribute to the challenges every marriage faces. There’s only one way for marriages to thrive despite these circumstances: Persistence. Be persistent during the times when it feels like the light is being consumed by the dark; remain faithful and believe the good will eventually trump the bad; never give up when you feel like everything you are building is about to fall.

And what’s the source for this hope? Love.

Surrender to love.

Fall back into it and take your wife with you.

Alex Blackwell is the Founder of The BridgeMaker. His first book, Saying Yes to Change: 10 Timeless Life Lessons for Creating Positive Change is now available on Amazon. Connect with Alex on Facebook.

READERS: I neglected –one again — to pick a reader of the month in April. So here’s the deal. I have a $50 gift card to give away from Rental Car Choices. I will give it to one person who comments on this post by the end of the day Friday. Tell me: What are your marriage saving words? What words, qualities, and actions are important in saving a marriage and keeping it strong?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

The Big Fat Myth About Monogamous Sex

Alisa — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:00:31 +0000

I’m spending the week at the American Society of Journalists and Authors conference. I co-chaired the conference this year. It was a huge job, one that was time-consuming, but also satisfying. If you are a journalist or author, I hope to see you there.

To ensure you all have something to read while I’m away, I asked Gal Josefsberg if he would mind writing a guest post. Gal is an amateur husband, dog owner, blogger and entrepreneur. His latest start up is a website that promotes gifts ideas for men and women. In the post that follows, he writes about how to keep it sizzling in the bedroom.

How Married Sex Improves Over Time

My brother in law is getting married. When I told my friends this I got the usual comments that single guys make about marriage (hint: all single guys think marriage is awful until they fall in love). One comment in particular stuck in my head though. It was “well, he can kiss his sex life good bye”.

It’s a common thing people think about marriage I suppose. You say those vows and somehow sex just stops. Guys stop trying to make an effort and women stop having sex because they no longer need to please their man. Now that’s utter horse crap and we all know it, but this comment did lead me to think of the ways in which married sex is better and how to keep it that way.

When You’re Married You Can Have Sex ALL THE TIME

That’s right kids (wait, I mean adults), married people do indeed have sex. In fact, they have sex a lot more than single people. I was a bit of a player when I was single but my life still wasn’t anything like Charlie’s in Two and a Half Men (or Charlie in real life I suppose). Married? Well, I’m not going to give you an exact number (because my wife will shank me!) but it’s a lot more!

Ways to keep this going? Easy, make time in your life for each other. It’s easy when you’re dating, each date is a special occasion meant just for the two of you to be together. Once you’re married, it’s easy to fall into a routine where you spend time close to one another but not really together. You’ll work in separate rooms, one of you is cooking in the kitchen while the other is watching a show in the living room or maybe you’re both in the same room but doing your own thing. If you want to keep your sex life sexy, you need to make time for that togetherness. I don’t care if that’s a weekly date night or just going to bed at the same time but make sure you’re living together not just in the same house.

The Sex Is Better!

The first time you have sex with someone you barely know is so awkward. Are they into this? Do they like it when I do that? Oh god, please can they do more of that? Why are they doing that annoying thing with their hand?!?! It sucks. Sorry, I know the movies make it that first encounter really sexy but movies lie (A LOT!) Sex as a couple is way WAY better. You know exactly what the other person wants and they know exactly what you like. There’s no pressure to perform, no worries about what they’ll think of you, only a lot of really fun interactions.

Way to keep this going? Easy, just keep talking. Honest communication is the best way to have good sex, especially when married. Tastes change, people change, bodies change and sometimes you just want to try something new. Feel free, just keep your partner in the loop so to speak. If you really want to her to wear that sexy camisole, ask. If you really want him to fool around in the shower, ask. I know sex can be a touchy subject but that’s exactly why married sex is better, because it’s much easier to talk about your desire to experiment with blindfolds with your spouse than with a relative stranger.

It’s safer, which means less to worry about.

I remember back when I was single how much anxiety was connected to sex. Even with the right protection, things happen. Condoms don’t prevent all pregnancies, nor do they stop all diseases. Marriage makes those worries go away. Well, accidental pregnancies are still a problem but they’re much easier to manage in a marriage than outside it.

How to keep this going? No real work necessary here but I’d still recommend annual physicals with complete blood work should be on everyone’s calendar. They’re not just for you, they’re also for your wife or husband. I guess I should also mention that you shouldn’t cheat on your spouse but that one sort of seems obvious.

You Guessed It

Yes, married sex life is way better than single. You have more and better sex, with less to worry about. So the next time one of your single friends tells you about their awesome sex life, you can just smile and nod, no need to make their life even worse by bursting their bubble.

What Happily Married People Know

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Discuss: Should marriage make you a better person?

Alisa — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 14:24:10 +0000

That’s the question a reader recently posed. She was referring to the line from the Jack Nicholson character in As Good As It Gets, “You make me want to be a better man.” She asked, “Many people say their spouses have made them better people. They say their spouses constantly make them laugh and they are the person that lifts them up when they need it. Should marriage partners always help you become better people? Should they be the best person you’ve ever known? And to what extent do I have the responsibility to try to make my husband a better person? Does it just happen naturally because each person considers the other the best person they’ve ever known?”

Deep thoughts, right? My take is probably not what this reader (or many of you) might expect. It’s twofold. First, there are no shoulds in life. There are only ises. (I’m talking about the plural of “is,” except there is no such thing grammatically). I don’t think marriage should be one way or another way. Marriage is different for every couple. Second, whether your spouse makes you a better person has little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with you. You can become a better person by following the lead of someone you consider to be stronger, more ethical, kinder, more generous, and more forgiving than yourself. Yet you can grow just as much by learning how to deal with someone who is weaker, less ethical, less kind and so forth. Humans, by nature, tend to grow when facing adversity. Because of that, the most difficult people in your life are just as likely to coax you into become a better person as are the less difficult ones. How else, for instance, could any of us develop patience if we didn’t have people who tested it? Annoying, angry, miserly, envious people can either bring us down or help us grow. Their effect on our lives is our choice, not theirs.

Most of us see this concept clearly with our children. Many parents say that they’ve become stronger and better people since having them. They are not saying this because little Mother Teresas emerged from their wombs. No, they are saying it because children test us. They force us to grow so we can stay one step ahead of them.

It can be the same with our spouses, our friends, our coworkers–everyone we know.

So, in my mind, the question isn’t, “Should marriage make you a better person?” Rather it’s, “Are you learning from your marriage so you can become the person you wish to be?”

Thoughts?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

What Fake Amazon Reviews Taught Me About Marriage

Alisa — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 18:33:11 +0000

I co-wrote BE FEARLESS: How to Change Your Life in 28 Days with Jonathan Alpert, a therapist who wrote a wildly controversial opinion piece in yesterday’s New York Times called Is Therapy Forever? Enough Already.

What I found most interesting from the backlash have been the number of people who will get mad at a person and then trash that person’s book on Amazon, even though they haven’t bought or read the book. I also found it interesting how many of them attacked the author of the piece personally rather than the opinion itself.

I’ve seen this happen many times before. Last year when I published Project: Happily Ever After people called me all sorts of names ranging from selfish to arrogant to kooky. Many of them they didn’t attack the book or what it represents. They attacked me as a person.

Similarly my good friend Jennifer Margulis writes about controversial parenting topics such as natural childbirth and vaccinations. Often her investigative articles are met with backlash—but it’s often a backlash about her character. I find that sad, mostly because Jennifer is one of the most intelligent, loving and thoughtful people I know and her articles are heavily researched and reported. When people attack her character, they are attacking a ghost—a person their anger causes them to assume exists, but, in reality, does not. They don’t know Jennifer, but they assume that they do–and they assume they don’t like her, just because they don’t like the conclusion drawn by her investigative work.

So what does any of this have to do with marriage? A lot.

It’s my belief that people resort to personal attacks when they feel threatened and, most often, they feel threatened because they worry that the person they are attacking just might be right. The person they are attacking has some sort of leverage—leverage that causes the attacker to feel inferior.

Think about that sentence and then think about the ugliest argument you’ve ever had with your spouse. Did you hurl hurtful remarks from a place of confidence? I’m guessing you didn’t. I’m guessing they came from a place of inferiority, from an urge to level the playing field.

The next time you find yourself in a battle of wills consider:

Are you attacking an opinion or a person? You are probably attacking your spouse as a person if you:

Have called in reinforcements and attempted to get your friends and family angry at your spouse, too.
What you want to say starts with, “You are such a…”
You are meditating on your spouse’s faults, mentally trying to come up with as many of them as you can call to mind.

You will be more persuasive if you concentrate on the message rather than the person. You’ll also have a much lower likelihood of coming off as aggressive, threatening, or emotional. For a moment, put aside what you dislike about your spouse’s personality or character. Instead, think about what it is about your spouse’s behavior or words that you disagree with?

Retaliation rarely, if ever, leads to a desirable outcome. If you find yourself lashing out of anger, stop, take a break, and calm down before opening your mouth, texting, or responding.

Change your goal. If you can shift your focus from winning (ie changing your spouse’s mind) and over to being heard and understood, you’ll be a lot less likely to resort to personal attacks.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.