1. The only mind I can read is my own, and sometimes my efforts in that quest are faulty at best.
2. Sometimes problems resolve themselves with no effort on my part. For instance, if I ignore it long enough, the 501 Internal Server Error on my blog will just go away. On such occasions, I choose to feel blessed, as if some sort of spiritual being has worked a miracle just for me.
3. There are people in the world who believe that the road to happiness is paved with backbiting, vitriol, and nastiness. There is no reason for me to get worked up about such people because, in fact, they are really on the road to hell.
4. When people compliment me, they do not want to hear 10,000 reasons why I do not deserve their compliment. They want to see me smile. That is all.
5. The vast majority of people can be won over with a smile and a little kindness.
6. There is nothing that I absolutely have to ever get done.
7. The key to succeeding in life is not found in trying harder. It’s found in trying differently.
8. Failing because I was too scared to take a risk does more damage to my psyche than failing because I took a risk and it just didn’t work out.
9. I must believe in myself because no one is going to do that for me.
10. The only people who can afford to shun change are the Amish.

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If You Think This Has Nothing to Do With Marriage, You’re Wrong.

Recently someone asked me if I thought she should start a blog. She’d read here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com about how my blog has bought me much happiness. She thought a blog might do the same for her.

This is what I wrote back:

I do feel that we all have a calling in life. Once you find yours, your life will have so much more meaning. A blog might be that calling. Your calling might be something else. But the point is this: the process of finding your calling is a lot like trying to find the light switch in a dark room. You have to feel around on the walls for a long time until one of your hands passes over it.

You might not refer to this as a “calling.” Seth Godin, the marketing genius, refers to it as “your art.” You might simply call it “that thing that defines me and makes all of my cells happy.” Or maybe it’s your life purpose.

The point is that there is something that you are good at and that only you are good at. It’s your gift. And once you discover this gift and share it with others, you will feel whole and your life will be filled with meaning.

But, you ask, “What does this have to do with marriage?”

I’ve made a casual study of people who seem to have found their callings versus people who have not. The people who have found their callings tend to be much happier. They also tend to expect less from their partners and from marriage. They are also less likely to be paralyzed by fear. They stand up for themselves in marriage because they know that they will not shrivel up and die without their partners. Yes, the loss of a partner would hurt and yes it would not be an ideal situation. But they have a purpose, and this purpose transcends all hardship.

On the other hand, I’ve noticed that people who are not defined by a calling tend to live through others. They look to their spouses and other people in their lives for happiness. And, without a purpose to define them, they tend to attach meaning to meaningless pursuits. They get bent out of shape, for instance, about their living room furniture.

You can argue with my observations. They are not scientific by any means.

Assuming you think that I am onto something here, my advice for finding your calling is as follows:

1. Your calling is not about prestige or money or fame. If you think a particular vocation is your calling simply because you want to tell people that’s what you do for a living, it’s probably not a calling. For instance, I hear from many people who tell me, “I’ve always wanted to be a writer.” When I ask, “Why aren’t you writing?” I usually hear any number of excuses ranging from “no one will pay me to do it” to “I don’t know what to write about.” If the words are not pouring out of your soul and you are not willing to put those words on paper (or a computer screen) until someone pays you, writing is probably not your calling.
2. Callings are generous. That’s why we refer to them as “gifts.” They are designed to be shared with others.
3. You probably already know your calling, but some part of you thinks that it’s silly or stupid or impossible or not-important-sounding-enough.
4. You’ll need some courage to follow your calling because callings can get you into trouble. Callings have gotten religious figures killed. They’ve put people in jail, and they’ve gotten people fired. Yet I doubt anyone has ever regretted following a calling.
5. Callings are not empty. If your calling brings sadness, confusion and emptiness to your life, it’s probably not your calling. Rather, it’s probably something that you wanted to be a calling – possibly because you thought it would make people like you or make you seem important.
6. Callings change.  It’s possible to fulfill a calling during your lifetime. When that happens, it’s time to discover another calling.
7. Your calling might not save the world. It might not be something that will get chronicled in the history books. But it will save you, and that is important.
8. Your calling is about you. It’s the one thing that you can offer the world that no one else can offer.
9. Only you can find your calling. Only you can believe in your calling, too. If you wait for others to believe in your calling for you, you might end up waiting a lifetime. That would be a shame.

Do you think having a calling can improve your marriage and other relationships? Do you have advice for people who are looking for more meaning in their lives? Do you believe in callings? Leave a comment.

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They got in the car. They drove to an apartment complex. They got out. She opened the door to an apartment.

She asked, “Do you like it?”

He said, “Yes.”

She said, “Great! This is where you will be living until you deal with this. I love you, and I will be waiting for you. But I cannot live with you right now.”

She hugged him, handed him the keys, and left.

He later kicked the addiction. They are back together in the same home.

Love is Not Black and White

It’s my belief that dropping her husband off at that apartment might have been the most loving thing my friend ever did for herself or for him.

If she had not loved herself or him, she would have continued to be a doormat to his abuse and she would have continued to enable his addiction. Because she loved him and herself, she did the one thing that was good for her—and inevitably for him, too.

Many people use a lot of “rights” and “wrongs” and “shoulds” when talking about love and marriage. But the truth is this: what is good for you and your marriage might not be good for mine and vice versa. Remind yourself of this whenever your marriage faces a great deal of stress because all sorts of people are going to be giving you all sorts of advice about the right or wrong thing that you should do.

In the end, you will want to do what’s good for you and your marriage—even if no one outside of your marriage understands it. There is no right and there is no wrong. Tough times don’t come with a one-solution-fits-all instruction manual.

Here is the rest of my advice on this subject.

Know your limits. I’ve told my husband that if he ever is to again break any bone in his body during a cycling accident, I will fly him to Florida so his mother can take care of him. I do not say this out of hatred. I tell him this because I know what I can handle. I love him, but I also love me. If there is no “me,” we will not have a “we.” So by loving myself, I am loving him by default.

Have the courage to be vulnerable. It really is okay to be weak. It really is okay to be fallible. It really is okay to not be able to rise to the occasion. Own your vulnerability. The day you stop hiding it and pretending that it isn’t there is the day that it will stop plaguing you.

Stand up for yourself. Being a doormat is not the same thing as loving someone unconditionally. If your marriage is under stress and your partner is taking that stress out on you, it’s really okay to politely, firmly, and succinctly say, “Please don’t talk to me like that. It hurts.” I’m guessing that your spouse does not intentionally set out to hurt you. Most people who displace their anger do not.

Warm things up. Small gestures of love are important all the time, but they are especially important when your marriage is under stress. Smile when your spouse walks into the room. Hug your spouse for no reason. Compliment your spouse as often as possible. Make your spouse feel like a fantastic, awesome human being.

But give your spouse space. If your spouse is grieving or suffering from a health issue, don’t try to make your spouse happy. Such a project will only frustrate you both. Illness sucks. Loss sucks. Hardship sucks. Give your spouse the space he or she needs to grieve. Yes, be there. Hold a hand. Listen. But don’t set out to make your spouse happy.

Communicate without blame. Those “I statements” are so important during stressful times. Here are a few examples:

I am exhausted. I don’t know if I can get through another day.

This grief is overwhelming. I can’t take it anymore.

I hate being sick. I’m mad at my own body. I never knew being sick could make me so angry.

I’m so frustrated. It doesn’t feel fair that we should have to go through this.

I love you and I want to get through this with you. Please tell me how.

I love you and I want to be there for you. Please tell me how.

I love you and I want to be there for you, but I don’t think I’m strong enough. I wish I were stronger.

This is so hard for me, but it would be less hard if we could face it together. Right now I feel like we are battling each other rather than supporting each other. How can we fix this?

Stop keeping score. If your spouse is going through a hard time and you are not, you might be tempted to do something like this: “Well, he wasn’t there for me when X happened, therefore I see no reason why I should…”

In a word: don’t. When marriage gets turned into a competition, you both lose. You might have to do much more than 50 percent for an extended period of time. That’s marriage. That’s love.

Know that it’s temporary. No hardship lasts forever. Think of it as a hurricane that you are riding out. Eventually the storm will pass.

Use it as an opportunity. Most couples do not grow closer during the good times, but they either grow closer or grow apart during the tough times. Look at hardships as opportunities to grow closer to your spouse.

How have you dealt with hardship? What is your advice for strengthening a relationship during tough times?

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At this so-called halfway point in life, I have no regrets. My life is exciting, and it is filled with opportunity and with people who love and adore me.

A woman on the verge of 40 could not ask for any more.

More important, I’ve already given myself the one thing I wanted this year. It’s a trip to Italy, and I’ll be taking it with one of my closest friends in late September. The only other thing I want—a really cute pair of shoes—my daughter and husband will be buying me.

My life is rich.

Yet, the lives of others are so poor.

So for anyone who was even thinking of buying me something this year: please don’t.

Instead, I would much prefer that you donate to one of the following causes.

Drummer Guy

Anyone who frequents the ProjectHappilyEverAfter comments area is familiar with Drummer Guy. He’s a regular. During the past couple of months, I’ve smiled I-don’t-know-how-many-times when Drummer Guy (whose real name is Ron) helped various readers with his kind words, advice, and insights. As far as I’m concerned, he’s a part of the family.

Drummer Guy is married to a woman who he always refers to as his “beloved.” She is dying from liver disease, an ailment that she probably got from dental work done many years ago. She needs to be on about 23 different expensive prescription medications. She has been hospitalized numerous times for the disease. She’s supposed to follow a special diet that requires the purchase of an array of expensive food items.

Even though the couple has health insurance, they now owe more than $200,000 in medical bills. The situation is so dire that Ron is forgoing expensive heart meds that he needs to stay healthy because he can’t afford them. His home is in foreclosure. His bank account is overdrawn.

He and his wife are hardworking people who have been devastated by disease.

He and his wife need your help. Please consider sending money orders or Wal-mart gift cards (he’ll use them to purchase his groceries) his way. I don’t want to publish his address on the Internet, so here’s what you can do.

Email me alisa (at) alisabowman (dot) com with “Yes, I want to help Drummer Guy” in the subject line. I’ll talk you through what to do from there.

Clean Water

I originally got the idea to donate my birthday from Seth Godin, who donated his 50^th to My Charity Water, an organization that digs wells for people in third world countries. If I raise just $5000, it will supply water to 250 people. You can donate at my campaign page.

Starving Writers

The Writer’s Emergency Assistance Fund offers grants to writers who have suffered a serious financial tragedy. One year, for instance, the fund paid the mortgage for a single mom who was dying of Lou Gehrig’s disease. This allowed her children to remain with her during her last days.

This fund is maintained by volunteers. Its only operating cost is for the accountant who files various paperwork every year. You can learn more here.

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Marriage Improvement Monday

I don’t plan to have another child.

If, for some reason, my husband’s vasectomy failed and I found myself pregnant, though, I’d create a What We Should Do If I Get Post Postpartum Depression Again plan.

When I was pregnant the first time, such a plan was the last thing on my mind. It didn’t occur to me to plan out what I would do if I got depression because, of course, I didn’t think I was going to get depression. I also didn’t think my baby was going to be breech or that I would end up with a C-section. I didn’t think my milk ducts were all going to get blocked on the day my milk came in. I didn’t think my baby would need an ultrasound during her second week of life or that she would develop colic. I didn’t think that she’d still have me up every 2 hours 10 months after birth.

I just didn’t think.

Now, though, I would sit down with my husband and I would plan out ahead of time how I would want him to be there for me. For instance, I might tell him, “If you ask me if I need help and I tell you no, I think you should probably help me anyway. And if I give you lip about it, remind me that I told you to do it. Also, if I lose too much weight, seem stressed all the time, can’t sleep at night and start screaming at the dog, take me to the doctor.”

Stuff like that.

I would do this ahead of time because I’ve learned the hard way that it’s much more difficult to ask for what one needs when one is under severe stress and is mentally or emotionally compromised. When I was sleep deprived and suffering from post partum depression, I couldn’t even figure out how to turn on my car’s headlights. How was I supposed to tell my husband how to care for me?

I think it’s important to have this conversation about a range of topics. Talk about how you want your spouse to comfort you if you lose your job. Talk about how you want your spouse to comfort you when you are grieving. Talk about what kind of comfort you need when you are under a great deal of career stress. How could your spouse really be there for you if you were sick, incapacitated or hospitalized?

Imagine yourself in these scenarios and imagine the world’s perfect spouse taking care of you. What does the world’s perfect spouse do for you?

When you are under stress, do you want to be left alone? Do you want to be held? Do you want your spouse to listen? Do you want your spouse to do things without being asked? And, if so, what might those things be?

These are not easy discussions. They fall into the same category as “what I want you to do with my body after I die” and “how much should I insure myself for?” But they are important. It’s foolish to think that you can navigate a lifetime of marriage without a huge stressor. I hate to break it to you, but something unfortunate is bound to befall you or your spouse at some point.

It’s just the way life is.

And it’s much easier to hash these things out when we are not under stress. If you wait until the stress is already there, you won’t be thinking clearly and logically and you’ll be less able to ask for what you need.

So, for this Marriage Improvement Monday, I’d like you to create a Stress Response Plan for one another. Talk about how you want to be comforted in a range of stressful situations—job loss, grief, and sickness.

Tomorrow I’ll go into what to do if your marriage is already stressed.

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That’s why I’ve been fascinated with Robert Keteyian’s writings about communication styles. When I read his book Do You Know What I Mean? I felt as if I finally understood myself.

Seriously. I had all sorts of weird little moments when I was like, “So that’s why I do that” and “So that’s why that bothers me” and so forth.

Then, though, I wanted to finally understand my husband, too. I figured if I could understand my communication style and his, we’d never get in an argument again! It would be like I possessed powerful Jedi Mind Tricks.

So I got in touch with Robert and I asked him the questions below. Before we get to those questions and answers, though, you need a little background. Here are the main communication styles. Note that you are not just one style. Chances are that you communicate using all of them. But you will find that you are stronger in just one or two areas—and that your spouse is, too.

Interpersonal Communicators: Relate well to others, thinking, “If we can really talk, connect, and work together, we can accomplish anything.” They like to think out loud and hash out problems with others.

Intrapersonal Communicators: They experience and understand the world by extension of understanding themselves, thinking, “I can understand others through deeper awareness of myself.” They like to think internally and hash out problems alone.

Linguistic/Speaking Communicators: Their understanding comes from defining ideas thoughtfully and carefully. It’s important for them to say things correctly and to choose the right words.

Logical/Reasoning Communicators: They make sense of the world from what they know to be true.

Visual-Spatial Communicators: They communicate with pictures and images. Concepts may relate and have meaning to them in ways that are hard for them to put into words.

Kinesthetic/Feeling Communicators: They communicate and understand the world based on what they absorb through sensations and experiences.

Auditory/Listening Communicators: How a message sounds will enhance and deepen the meaning of that message for them.

Based on that, cheat sheet here are my questions and how Robert answered them.

Okay, so now I know my communication style. How do I figure out my spouse’s?

I make quite a thing about not trying too hard to figure out other people’s style because I like to keep the focus on you. If you are working actively with your own style, you automatically become more patient, less judgmental, and ask more thoughtful questions.  That will make a big difference in your relationship. However, you can’t help but be very curious about your spouse, so of course you’re going to try to figure out their style.

One way of doing this is to think about the conflicts you have and how they take shape (This approach also works well for problem-solving with kids, too).  For example, is your spouse picky about what words you use? If so, he or she probably has a strong linguistic component. In other words he or she thinks in words and the use of language really matters.

If your spouse is all about feelings, the kinesthetic and/or interpersonal components are probably pretty central in how he or she processes information.

The most basic approach to figuring out your spouse is to look at the interpersonal vs. intrapersonal. When you put those two side by side, looking at the difference between thinking out loud (interpersonal) and thinking internally (intrapersonal), most all the time you’ll be able to tell how you and your spouse fit. Some people are pretty balanced with both, but most of us lean one way or the other. Most of the feedback I’ve gotten on the book centers on the interpersonal/intrapersonal axis. Just getting a handle on this element makes a big difference to communication.

Can you provide a few examples of how we might better phrase questions and suggestions in order to take our spouse’s style into account? Maybe you could give 2-3 examples for each dominant style?

Once you understand the key components of your style, you can give others cues that help ensure successful communication.

Interpersonal to Intrapersonal: I know you need to think things over before you can respond, but I’d just like you to hear me out because I’ve got a lot on my mind and need to think out loud. I’d like to discuss this once you’ve had a chance to digest it.

Intrapersonal to Interpersonal: I don’t know what’s most important to me yet and need time to mull things over. I hope you can be patient with me while I’m sorting this out.  Then, I’d like to talk with you.

If someone is very visual-spatial: Ask him or her to tell you what the situation looks like or what he or she is picturing. It’s often amazing how much this matters in getting someone to open up more easily. It taps into their natural processing system.

If someone is very logical: Ask him or her questions with percentages. Is it more 60/40 or 80/20 wanting to go vs. not wanting to go? Or ask how he or she would like to approach this problem—deciding on the structure can make all the difference for one who is logical.

Could you describe some of the pitfalls of each style. For instance, I’m mostly intrapersonal and kinesthetic. What should I keep in mind when communicating with my spouse?

The primary way we get into trouble with our natural style is when it takes up too much space and doesn’t allow equal room for the other person’s style. Here are some common ways this occurs:

Linguistic: Bullying others around words by saying things like, “That’s not what that word means. Why would you use it?” Not everyone is capable of being precise with words. Most of us try to communicate the gist of something. Linguistic folks find this frustrating because they think in words—but not everyone does.

Interpersonal: Demanding too much involvement from others. Interpersonal types thrive on engagement. We love the back and forth of communication. Not everyone can think and feel on the spot, however. We get energy from the process. For others it can drain their energy much more quickly.

Kinesthetic: Needing to experience something to know it can be very cumbersome and confusing, but necessary to understanding and learning. Also people who have a strong kinesthetic sense tend to absorb other’s energy. This is great for empathizing, but it can be overwhelming and confuse emotional boundaries (whose feelings are whose?).

Intrapersonal: Seeking clarity through your inner experience is important. However a spouse may want to know more about your inner process as a way of better connecting.  Learning to give some touchstones for how you got to where you are can be important.  Sometimes this frustrates the intrapersonal type because it can feel invasive or it’s hard to put words to inner experience or you’re just done with it because you figured it out and shared the bottom line.

Visual-spatial: Often visual-spatial types can seem spacey because they are picturing things and have a hard time translating the complex images into words. Sometimes asking for a metaphor or a symbol that encapsulates their experience can help prime the pump.

Logical: Invalidating the emotional, wanting everything to make sense logically and sequentially. Not everyone processes sequentially. Some of us have a more circular approach or start from the bottom line and work backwards filling in the details. Some of us think more through our feelings. That’s hard to accept if you’re strongly logical in processing information.

Auditory: Be careful not to put too much weight on how it sounds (to you!). We pick up a lot from tone of voice, but it’s not infallible.

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It’s lonely and frustrating, isn’t it? Here you are reading every single post that I write. You might even be reading marital improvement books and other blogs. Maybe you are also doing individual counseling.

The point, though, is this: You’re the one who is putting in all of the effort. Your spouse might be accommodating to some degree. For instance, if you push the matter, you know you could get your spouse’s rear end into a chair at a counselor’s office.

But your spouse doesn’t put in any extra effort. Your spouse doesn’t read marriage blogs or books or come up with novel ideas of how to improve things.

As far as marital improvement goes, it’s all you.

Right about now you might be getting a little excited. You might be thinking, “F-i-n-a-l-l-y Alisa is going to provide me with that magical formula that will transform my spouse into someone who wants to work on and save this marriage as badly as I do!”

Sorry. I’m going to disappoint.

I am because I don’t think that magical formula exists. If anyone knows of such a formula and wants to prove me wrong, I welcome that. I’d like to know the formula, too! So leave a comment and tell us all about it.

I would love such a formula, as I’ve been the main instigator of change in my marriage, too. But I’m not holding my breath. Bad things happen when I hold my breath. Well, that’s not really true, but let’s get back to the discussion at hand.

Here’s my advice for this situation.

Step 1: Understand it.

Some people are leaders and others are followers. Some people are active and others are passive. Some people are problem solvers and others are problem ignorers. In your marriage, you are the former of these descriptions and your spouse is probably the latter.

It’s just the way it is. Whining about it isn’t going to get you to happy. Try to patiently accept the situation and move on.

Step 2: Trade fair for happy.

It’s not fair that you are doing all of the work to save your marriage. It really does bite, doesn’t it?

That said, the longer you fixate on fairness, the longer it will take you to save your marriage. The issue of fairness is a roadblock that prevents you from seeing solutions. Whenever you find yourself whining about fairness, ask yourself, “What do I really want? Do I want this to be fair, or do I want to be happy?” I’m guessing that you want to be happy. To get to happy, you’re going to have to assume the position of leader. It’s not fair, but it’s just the way it is.

Step 3: Think of marital improvement as a dance.

It’s not a race. It’s not a competition. It’s not a “let’s see who gets to the finish line first.” And it’s definitely not a “I’m going to toss you into a fireman’s carry and drag you to where I want you to go” situation, either.

But we often look at it that way. I know I did.

To truly get to a better place, though, you’ll want to think of marital improvement as a dance. You are in the lead. You step one way. Your spouse follows. You step another way. Your spouse follows.
Find the courage and selflessness to be the person who initiates change. Lead your partner to happily ever after.

Step 4: Notice every step in the right direction.

This is important because it will help you to release your attachment to the idea of fairness. Whenever you make the smallest amount of progress, notice it. Savor it. Write it down. Remember it. This will help you to continually see that things are getting better and that your hard work is paying off.

Additional Reading

If you read this post looking for information about what to do when a spouse has given up on the marriage (and won’t try at all), consider reading one of the following related posts.

I love you, but I’m not in love with you

How to get a spouse to fall back in love

Is your marriage broken?

How to tell if your relationship can be salvaged?

Please Cast Your Vote!

I’ve completed slightly more than half of the You Get What You Asked for Posts. I’m finding that this series is sometimes popular and sometimes not so much. I’m also finding that I’ve allowed too much time to elapse between starting the series and writing the posts. I guess you could say that I’ve lost the inspiration to write some of them.

So I’ve listed the remaining topics in the following poll. (If you are reading on email, please click on the headline to get to the actual blog. That way you can cast your vote.) I’d like to know how many of you are interested in what topics. I’d also love if you would inspire me a bit by telling me why you want me to write about certain ones. Thanks for your help!

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I’m the first to admit that I probably married my husband for the wrong reasons. One of those reasons: his hands. Seriously, this is no joke. The very first time we held hands, I thought this: “His hand feels like husband material.”

And if you are thinking, “No wonder that crazy loon ended up with marital problems,” I must ask you this. Why did you marry your spouse? Why did you think your spouse was husband or wife material?

It’s my firm belief that the vast majority of us marry for the wrong reasons—especially the first time around. We deem someone as “marriage material” based on the following factors:

1. Looks
2. Income
3. The kind of car he drives (I used the “he” pronoun here because I don’t know too many men who care about the kinds of cars women drive, but you can correct me in the comments if you think I’m way off base).
4. The strength of the goo-goo gah-gah sensation you have when he or she is around.
5. How he or she performs in bed.
6. Whether or not he or she can cook.

I’m sure you could list a bunch more. Here’s the point I’m driving at: none of those factors will guarantee that your marriage will be good, and most of them are ethereal. It’s sad to say, but we all get old. A good income can disappear with the shift of the economy or even just a new boss who wants to hire his or her cronies. Cars break down. Goo-goo gah gah goes away.

Good sex is a skill that anyone can learn by reading, experimenting and doing it a lot. Think about that for a moment because it has important implications. Great lovers got great, in part, by loving a lot of people. That doesn’t necessarily make someone marriage material. I’m not saying it rules someone out, either. I’m just saying that someone who is great in bed might keep you orgasmically happy for years or might have some serious problems when it comes to remaining faithful. It could go either way.

As for cooking, it sure is nice, but the best meatloaf in the world isn’t going to save an otherwise horrific marriage.

For years premarital counselors have been trying to get couples to delve beyond such superficial things and to talk about stuff like whether or not they want children and how they feel about money. Still, just because you both believe in 2.5 kids and a 401-K doesn’t mean you are well suited for one another, and it has nothing to do with whether you will both excel at the art of being married.

No, to excel at the art of being married, one needs a number of qualities that include—but are not limited to—selflessness, patience, resilience and the ability to embrace change.

If I were single and thinking about getting hitched all over again, these are the kinds of questions I would ask to tease out whether a potential mate was marriage material:

1. If I was in a car accident and became a quadriplegic, what would you do?
2. If I suffered from a medical condition that prevented me from ever having sex again for the rest of my life, what would you do?
3. If you thought I was having an affair, what would you do?
4. If you found yourself attracted to someone other than me, what would you do?
5. If I told you I was unhappy with our marriage and wanted to see a counselor, what would you do?
6. If I lost my job, stopped showering, ate Twinkies all day long, and never lifted my dirty stinking ass off the couch, what would you do?

I’m sure I could come up with 50 more hypotheticals, but you get the idea. These are all tough issues that do really come up during a lifetime of a marriage. You all know. I’m preaching to my choir. You read this blog because you have been there.

If all goes right and your marriage does not suffer the curse of Job, you will hopefully only have to navigate just one of these horrific situations together. The point is: these things happen. Wives get breast cancer. Husbands get soft (and yes, I’m talking about down there). We all get old. Money comes and goes. So does illness, depression, stress, and good fortune.

It is only the resilient, forgiving person who is able to say with conviction, “I would still love you and I would find a way to get through it with you by my side” no matter what the circumstance. And it’s that person who is true marriage material.

What do you think?

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A Reader Participation Post

AKA

This is the bravest thing I’ve ever posted

Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while knows two things about me.

One: I’m all about stimulating discussions about topics that most people keep in the vault. That’s one of the reasons I started the blog to begin with. No one was talking about marriage in an honest way. I wanted that to change.

Two: I want this blog to unite people, not isolate them.

That brings me to a conundrum, folks. You see, a few weeks ago, I got this question from a reader:

“My question is about attraction and weight gain and what people think about it.  Do weight-gaining spouses realize culpability in the loss of attraction due to lack of taking care of themselves?  How do the non-gaining spouses feel about it?”

Weight gain and attraction is a topic that no one talks about, which is why I think it’s a great topic for this blog. At the same time, it can be quite polarizing. And, it must be said, people often don’t talk about this issue for a reason. Feelings are liable to get hurt.

Still, the question did make me think back to about a year ago when my husband and I were talking with a sex therapist. We had gone to the therapist because our sex life was good but not great. Near the end of the session, though, the therapist said something like this, “It’s not like he’s sitting here telling me that he doesn’t have any issues and I’m looking at you and you are 300 pounds.”

At the time, I thought, “And your point is what?”

But when I read this reader question, I thought, “Oh, so that’s what he was getting at.” When one spouse gains weight or gets flabby, the other spouse can stop feeling as attracted. This lack of attraction is a real problem, but the one spouse doesn’t want to say anything to the other spouse because it seems shallow and downright hurtful.

Weight gain is just one of many sticky issues that can lead to lack of attraction. For instance, a good friend of mine tells me that her retired husband’s usual attire – ratty sweatpants – just doesn’t do anything for her. “If he would just get up every once in a while and put on a suit,” she sighed.

The answer to her problem is relatively easy, I think. She might just say, “Wow, men’s suits really get me hot. Whenever you wear one, I want to jump your bones.” I’m thinking that might solve the problem right then and there.

Weight gain is trickier, in part, because losing 10, 20, 30 or more pounds is a heck of a lot harder than putting on a different outfit. Telling a spouse “I’ll be attracted to you when you are skinnier” is similar to saying
“I’ll rise to the occasion once you train for and run a marathon.” Fewer than 1 percent of the population ever runs a marathon for quite obvious reasons. Yet most of us (especially naturally skinny people) forget that only a tiny percentage of people succeed at losing weight. Losing weight is not the same as other types of self care behaviors such as keeping one’s feet buffed and pretty or trimming up the nethers. It’s just not. It’s a lot more complex, and a lot more challenging.

Also, most of us do not link much if any of our self worth to our clothing, but we get a lot of our sense of self worth from our bodies. Hearing that our naked bodies are not a turn-on stings a lot more than hearing that our ratty sweatpants are not a turn-on.

Still, I think a calm, honest discussion could help. It definitely won’t be easy, but neither is pretending that a problem doesn’t exist.

What do you think?

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Marriage Improvement Monday

I’m going to admit something that I’m not all that proud of. It’s this: I don’t pay much attention to my husband when he’s around.

You would think this would not be the case, especially since we rarely have time alone together as it is. We’re both self employed. We both work more than the usual 40 hours a week. Our 5 year old is often wedged between us.

That’s why I’ve been so vigilant about her 8 p.m. bedtime. The hours between 8 p.m. and 10 or 11 are supposed to be Mommy and Daddy QT time.

Still, inevitably, during these evening hours, my husband does his thing—watch Speed TV—and I do mine—work on my computer or read a novel. Half the time, I get so wrapped up in doing my thing that I fail to ask him about all of the things I need to know—like if he already fed the goldfish or if he was wondering if I had.

(Side note: it’s really amazing that those little buggers are still with us).

So when I saw a chapter in Barton Goldsmith’s Emotional Fitness for Couples titled “Go to bed together,” I was intrigued.

“Sleeping together is one of the most important parts of a relationship,” he writes. “Going to bed together is one of the most valuable and accessible tools a couple can use to stay connected for the long haul.”

That’s why he recommends a bedtime routine that involves doing something together. It doesn’t have to be a deep heart felt discussion, and it doesn’t have to be sex, either. It can be something as simple as him watching TV while you rest your head on his lap as you read a magazine. The important part is that you are together, and you are touching.

Indeed, Goldsmith even recommends flipping off the TV about 15 minutes before bed and using that time to just hold one another. Sure, that holding might lead to sex, but it doesn’t have to and it’s not necessarily intended to. It’s just a very simple yet powerful way to create a deep sense of connection.

I’m going to try it every night this week. Why don’t you all do the same and let me know how it goes?

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Download your copy of Project Happily Ever After: Relationship Rules.

In this free e-book, you’ll learn some of the strategies I used to turn my Mr. Good for Nothing into my Mr. Good for Something, including ten Relationship Rules.