Project Happily Ever After

The Day I Melted Down at a Fast Food Drive Thru

Alisa — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:02:54 +0000

Another Post Where You Get to Solve My Problems

Frankendog with his dreaded cone.

This story scares me. It also embarrasses me.

I don’t even know where to start.

I suppose the beginning would be a good place.

I have two dogs. You’ve read about our new puppy. I also have an aging Doberman that I adopted from a shelter more than 11 years ago. He’s my running buddy and my napping buddy. He also listens to my problems with rapt attention. Whenever I work too hard, he walks over and tells me it’s time to take a break. Whenever I meditate, he sits next to me and doesn’t make a peep.

He’s a good boy.

He’s also very healthy. Whenever I bring him to the vet for a check up, she raves about how fit and healthy he is.

But his breed is prone to developing benign fatty tumors. For the most part, they’re just ugly and nothing more. In the past few months, however, the poor old dog developed a huge growth on his hind leg. Soon, instead of him pulling me during a run, I was encouraging him to keep up. One day he skulked off when he saw the leash. He didn’t want to go. It broke my heart.

Not much later, he couldn’t get up on the bed. Then he couldn’t get into my car without help.

I took him to the vet. She told me that I had two options. I could have the growth and a few others removed and possibly buy him a few more happy years. Or I could do nothing. Eventually he wouldn’t be able to walk. Because he’s an 80 pound dog, not being able to walk would be a big deal.

So I opted for surgery.

Last Tuesday was surgery day. I walked my kid to school. Then I dropped the old dog off at the vet. I also dropped the puppy off at daycare. I wanted the puppy to be completely tired out for when the old dog came home. This was the one thing I did right that day.

Then I forgot about the kid and the dogs and went to work.

Around 3 pm, I called the vet because I had not heard from her. She told me that the old dog was doing okay, but suggested I not pick him up until 7 pm. The old dog has a mild blood clotting disorder and had really swelled up from the surgery as a result. The vet just wanted to observe him for a few hours before sending him home.

This was a problem. On Tuesday nights I assist with a meditation class that starts at 7 pm and ends around 8:30. It’s a half hour away from my house.

There was no way I could pick up the dog and help with the class.

Okay, fair enough, I realized I needed bail on the class. Hey, I’m no dummy.

I emailed a couple people and explained the situation. Because I keep all of the class materials – including sign up sheets, a donation basket, and the photo of the Buddha—in a suitcase that I bring to class, I offered to drop off the suitcase before class so the main teacher could still set up.

By 5 pm, I was wrapping up a few work things and I was pressed for time.

I raced out to pick up my kid. Then I picked up the puppy. Then I came home. As I walked the puppy and carried the puppy’s crate into the house, I said to my kid, “Please take your backpack and coat out of the car.”

She whined about how it was too hard to do so and why I should do it instead.

I told her that I had my hands full. The fact that I had my hands full should have been obvious. After all, the puppy was pulling me all over the yard. I kept dropping my keys and the crate kept banging into my legs, causing me to say “Ow” really loudly over and over again.

She whined again about how I should do it.

I felt the anger start to build, so I began telling myself all of the things I usually tell myself when I don’t want to bite someone’s head off.

I managed to breathe away the anger.

Or so I thought.

I got inside. I put the crate down. I asked my kid to feed the dog. She gave me a load of lip.

“Damn it Kaarina!” I shouted. I shouted it so loudly that the house shook. I do not believe that I am exaggerating.

It felt good to shout that loudly. That’s the kind of anger I was feeling. It was the it-feels-so-freaking-good-to-shout-at-a-little-kid anger. I don’t remember what I said next. It had something to do with how I was going to take away everything she loved for the rest of her life if she didn’t feed the puppy.

She fed the puppy, but kept giving me lip about how it was really my puppy because I was the one who paid for it.

I told her that, by that reasoning, all of her toys were my toys.

And under my breath I threatened to burn them.

“What?’ she asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “We’re in a hurry tonight. You know I hate being in a hurry. But we are in one. So if I were you, I would be very quiet and just do as I tell you. That way I won’t accidentally say something that hurts your feelings.”

I got the puppy outside. The puppy did her puppy business. I crated her. Then we got in the car so I could get the suitcase to meditation class. It’s a half hour drive. I think I told you that already.

It was around this time that my daughter told me that she was hungry. I ignored her. She told me she was hungry over and over again until I responded. I said something like, “Good, learn how to release your attachment to comfort. This is good practice for you. And learn a little gratitude. Some people go hungry for days and weeks. Be thankful that for you it will only be for a few hours.”

She kept whining.

I kept gripping the steering wheel more tightly. I’m surprised I didn’t break it.

She started asking me things like, “Why is it taking so long?” and “When are we going to get there?” and “Why can’t you stop at Panera?”

I didn’t trust myself to say anything nice, so I went with the not saying anything at all tactic.

Next thing I knew, I’d missed the turn for the meditation class and I was saying a string of words that would offend some of you if I actually typed them. So I won’t type them.

I dropped off the suitcase.

Then it was back to the car to reverse the entire trip I’d just made.

More whining and more steering wheel gripping went on for the next half hour.

By the time I neared our house to pick up my husband, I had about 5 minutes to spare, so, with a great sense of forced generosity, I pulled into a McDonald’s. My kid was thrilled because we almost never do fast food, but she wanted me to go to a different McDonald’s because the other one had better toys. How she knows this, I do not know. I said something about how I don’t have time to go to another stupid McDonald’s so she better order her stupid food now before I changed my mind and made her eat Brussels spouts for dinner.

She ordered.

I waited for my order. I pulled out my phone to call my husband and tell him that I was almost there to pick him up before getting the old dog.

That’s when I saw I had a message.

It was from the vet, suggesting that I leave the dog there overnight.

It was around this time that I started crying. I was crying from relief, frustration, concern and regret. I was relieved that the saga was over for the night, but I was also frustrated that I’d just raced around town for nothing. I was sad that I had missed meditation for no good reason because I obviously really needed to be there. I was also worried about my poor dog. I was thinking about how he must be suffering and how he must feel abandoned. I was also crying because I didn’t like myself in that moment. I was crying because I thought I could have done better. I was crying because I thought I hadn’t lived up to my potential.

And I was crying because I thought my kid deserved better.

Finally I was crying because I was trying not to cry. You probably know how that is. Or do you?

Since this post is already 1300 words long, I’ll stop here and bring you part 2 tomorrow. Until then, you can let me know what you think I did wrong and what you think I should have done next to correct my errors.

It has come to my attention that many of you have been getting errors when trying to comment. I’ve worked with a tech God to try to fix this. If you cannot comment on this post, can you email me to let me know? Alisa (at) alisabowman (dot) com.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Want to discuss Project: Happily Ever After at book club or your church group? Click here for an entertaining guide. Go to ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com for more marriage advice or to converse with other recovering divorce daydreamers.

How to Feed Your Marriage

Alisa — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:17:22 +0000

Even When You’ve Got a Brood of Kids

What follows is how several bloggers, experts, and authors keep their marriage strong no matter how much chaos ensues at home. Do you notice a theme?

Feed them and then shoo them away. “I love family meals, in theory,” says Denise Schipani, author of the upcoming Mean Moms Rule (don’t you just love the title? Pre order it!) and creator of Confessions of a Mean Mommy. “But I also l like that we’ve fallen into the routine of feeding our boys weekend breakfasts early, then having our second (and third) cups of coffee and our own morning meal while they disappear to other pursuits. It’s like a mini-date, without makeup. Also helps that my husband likes to make eggs for me.”

Enforce bedtime like a drill sergeant. “Our boys get shooed upstairs at a predictable time each night,” says Schipani. “They don’t have to tuck up in the dark, necessarily; they can play or read or whatever. As long as they don’t come back downstairs. I need my mom switch to slide to off at a certain time, and just be with my husband. It’s not as though we’re slow-dancing in the living room (sometimes we barely even talk), but we’re not actively being parents.”

Ask for “Private Time.” “One of our most inspired ideas as parents of young kids was the initiation of Private Time,” says Kimberly Ford, author of Hump: True Tales of Sex After Kids. “We simply told the kids: ‘We’re having Private Time! Get lost!’ Well, maybe not quite in that tone, but often pretty close to that. Private Time could be a glass of wine in the living room, a game of cards on the patio, a ten-minute walk with the dogs, or, yes, an interlude in the bedroom with the door shut and the music turned up loud. One important point here is that the kids–during Private Time–get to have Media Time, which means that everyone is happy.”

Make “sexy” an all-day-long affair. “When our youngest kids turned about 5, I learned to embrace my sexual energy all throughout the day instead of seeing myself as the poor Mom who was stuck with all these responsibilities,” says Gina Parris, founder of WinningAtRomance.com and SexyMarriageSolution. “I practiced fantasizing about getting alone with my husband and returning to hot mama status. I wish I had practiced that many years earlier from the time the youngest ones were tiny. When I approach my husband feeling beautiful and sensuous, somehow it doesn’t matter that I’m a little tired or there is baby puke on my shoulder – because all of it is part of a beautiful sensuous life.

Make date night a hot night. “Dating isn’t just something you do,” says Shela Dean, relationship coach and author Frequent Foreplay Miles. “It’s a mindset. Having a 24/7 generous, what-can-I-do-for-you attitude goes a long way toward keeping a couple bonded. When it comes to date night, however, try this: Guys, get dressed and get out. Go have the car washed, get your shoes shined, or pick up flowers. Ladies, take that time to primp. Crank up the music, pour yourself a glass of wine, take a bubble bath, give yourself a facial, and dress in whatever makes you feel great so that when he rings the door bell at the appointed time, you’ll feel and look your sexy best. Start and end your date with a good, long, smooch. If you end up making out in the car, all the better! When you get home, let dad take care of the babysitter—he won’t lose the mood. Mom, by-pass the babysitter, go straight to the bedroom and don your sexiest nightie. Don’t even stop to ask how the kids were. Once you do, you’re back in mom mode and out of date mode. One last tip: when you’re on your date, DO NOT talk about the same old stuff. Leave it all at home.”

Have a date every day. “My gift to the hubby for Christmas this past year was 52 dates in 2012,” says Danielle Cooper, who blogs at TheBestofPa. “Seeing that we are no millionaires-like not even close- I have set up lots of at home micro dates. This requires waiting till AFTER the kiddos go to bed, and some creativity. Thus far, we have had a game night involving small bets with Monopoly Deal, a spa Night- complete with candles, soft music, lotion and a back rub, and alas a mini treasure hunt. It has been wonderful for the romance! And I can say my love has bloomed since we began this venture.”

Eat slowly. Savor every bite. “We make it a point to connect after the kids go to bed. And we also have discovered that since our kids eat faster than we do, they leave the table sooner so we eat slow and take advantage of the latter part of dinner together. Starts as a family dinner, ends as a dinner for two,” says Corey Allen, creator of SimpleMarriage.net.

Have a Parent’s Night In (PNI). “So, we absolutely love being able to get out of the house and enjoy a quiet (or not so quiet) date night by ourselves. Unfortunately, with three small kids and a lack of free babysitting, nights out on the town just can’t happen as often as we’d like,” says Dustin Riechmann, creator of Engaged Marriage and Fit Marriage. “Our solution? Date nights IN – we get the kids to bed early, uncork a bottle of wine (or two) and do something fun right at home. That could be as simple as a movie, some Guitar Hero on Wii or just chilling out in the backyard next to a fire and chatting. When you think of date night, don’t get into the trap of thinking it’s an all or nothing proposition!”

CONGRATS to Ayelet who won the January Reader of the Month. She will be getting a $50 gift card! If you would like to be in the running for Reader of the Month, all you have to do is leave a lot of comments. As long as you are one of the top commenters listed in the “people who comment the most” widget to the right, you will have a 1 in 10 chance of winning by random drawing. Thanks to Cheap Rental Cars for sponsoring this award.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Discuss: Are People Inherently Good?

Alisa — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:50:39 +0000

A friend emailed after having a terrible time at a social gathering. Various people had teased her and made hurtful remarks.

“I know you believe that all people are good, but I’m just not seeing that,” she challenged.

Her email gave me pause. Did I believe this? I wasn’t sure.

What I do believe is that we all have the potential to do good, but we don’t always actually do it. The reasons we fall short are many. Here are only a few:

We’re under the influence of anger, envy, greed, apathy or another negative emotion that prevents us from being our best selves.
It’s not convenient. Case in point: Over the weekend, I didn’t give money to a homeless person at an intersection. This wasn’t because I didn’t have the money and it wasn’t out of greed. It was merely because he was standing toward the right of my car and I didn’t feel like reaching across the passenger seat to hand money out the window. (And, yes, I’m embarrassed to admit this).
Often, being good requires us to share something we would much rather keep to ourselves, whether it’s money, food off our plate, or our umbrella.
It’s scary. It’s not easy to stick up for the person all of your friends are making fun of. It’s a lot easier to go along with group think, even if that group think is wrong.
We’ve deluded ourselves into thinking we’re justified. I’m guessing that slave owners in the 1700s found a way to mentally justify their actions. I doubt they thought of themselves as bad people despite the widespread suffering they inflicted on others every single day.
We’re tapped. Without enough rest, few of us are capable of being our best selves.
We’re distracted. Who has time for good deeds when she’s in the middle of a hot game of Words for Friends?

I could go on. Could you?

Perhaps most interesting: many people accidentally harm when they intend to do good. Think of the man who does the dishes because his wife has been complaining about how he never does anything around the house. Then he announces that he’s done the dishes because he’s so happy that he’s finally been able to do something good for his wife. She, however, responds with irritation because she can’t believe he feels he deserves an award for something she does everyday.

Or think of the friend who is trying to cheer up another friend, but accidentally says something hurtful and doesn’t even realize it.

Or the person who posts something to Facebook thinking that he’s just brightened the days of many, only to later realize he’s just pissed off 568 people and he doesn’t know why or how.

I’m guessing you can think of many examples from your own life.

Perhaps most important is this: it’s pointless to worry too much about whether other people are good or bad. After all, blaming other people for our misery never gets us anywhere. It doesn’t make us any happier and it doesn’t change the world for the better. It only mires us in an unfulfilling holding pattern.

What’s much more fruitful is this: continually trying to be a better person. I can’t work on you, but I can work on me. I try to start everyday with the intention to do good and bring light into the lives of others. I do this despite the fact that I always fall short of this goal. I lose my temper. I daydream while my kid is telling me something she thinks is very important. I forget to check in with friends. I fail to help those who are less fortunate and I get irritated that my puppy does things that puppies do. And, sometimes, I don’t even remember that I want to be a good person.

But that’s all okay. None of that makes me a bad person. It just makes me human. It’s also what makes life rich and interesting.

So I wake up the next day, and I try all over again.

How about you? Do you believe some people are good and others are evil? Discuss.

Note: I’d like to periodically feature posts on life’s big questions so we can all hash them out together. What big life questions do you think I should cover?

Side note #1: I’ll run Part 2 of balancing marriage with parenthood later this week.

Side note #2: If you are reading this by email and would like to comment on the post, click through here. That will take you to the blog where you can leave a comment. If you merely reply to the email, your comment goes into my email inbox and I’m the only person who can see it.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How Do You Balance Marriage With Kids?

Alisa — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:20:12 +0000

In Other Words, This Reader Needs Your Help

For our first post in the Save This Reader’s Marriage series, we’re going to help Ayelet solve this problem. She wrote, “To balance marriage and children. It’s all around the children. We hardly have time to ourselves – technically and mentally.”

You know, I could use a little help in this department, too. That’s why, next week, I’m going to interview a few experts on marriage and dating. Until then, here’s my advice:

Designate a date night. Get a sitter. Have time to yourselves.
Put the kids to bed earlier. Even if they aren’t sleepy, make them spend time in their rooms so you can have uninterrupted time with each other.
Do some tasks together. Many couples have a divide and conquer strategy. He shops at the grocery store while she cooks. She cleans while he does yard work. Try doing some chores together. You pick which ones.
Get your kids involved in sports or activities and watch them together from the sidelines.
Let more slide. Put “spending time together” higher on your to-do list than “cleaning the house.”

I know. I know. My suggestions are lame. Did I not say that I needed help in this department, too? Readers: how do you balance marriage with the kids?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Help Solve This Marital Problem, Part 2

Alisa — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:45:37 +0000

Or How I Got a Clean Backyard Without Killing a Family Member

First, can I just tell you all how much I loved getting all of your advice? Comments have been dwindling on the site in recent months, causing me to feel a bit lonely and washed up. More important, your comments made me realize an error in my marital ways.

But first let me back up a bit.

When I left off, I was telling you about how I’d just stepped in dog poop and was under the control of a hot mind of anger. I took my shoes off at the door and walked into the house barefoot. I turned and looked at my poor shoes. They were out there in the rain. That’s when I realized just how attached I was to those new sneakers. I hardly ever have new things, you know? And here, after wearing these shoes for not one full day, what happens? I step in poop.

I am one of those people who likes to learn from suffering. So I stood for a second and pondered what I had to learn from this situation. I thought about how I’d been working on releasing my attachment to comfort. “Well, you’re just going to have to overcome your aversion to cleaning poop off sneakers,” I told myself. “If you stop bracing against the idea of cleaning off your shoes, it won’t be such a big deal.”

“I’ll overcome that aversion later,” another part of myself said back. “Got that? Later? Much later.”

My husband was not home. I’m sure that’s a good thing–for both of us. My daughter was in bed, almost asleep.

I thumped my way into her room.

“Do you want to know what just happened to me out in the yard?” I asked loudly.

“What Mommy?” she asked.

“I just stepped in dog poop—in my brand new sneakers!” I said dramatically.

Do you want to know how she responded?

She laughed. It started as a sweet little giggle that soon erupted into a great big belly laugh.

This got me laughing, too. After all, it was all very funny in a “this should be a skit on Modern Family” sort of way.

Here I was behaving much like the Claire character. I’d been stubborn, refusing to scoop poop for the “principle of the matter.” Let me tell you something I’ve learned from past experience: doing things for the “principle of the matter” is never a good strategy. It always backfires. It backfires on TV and it backfires in real life. Always. Trust me on this.

Case in point: I was the one with poop on my shoe. Was my husband the person with poop on his shoe? No. Was my kid the one with a poopy shoe?

No, it was me.

After getting a good laugh, I took a piece of paper and a Sharpie and created a giant sign that read: “THE YARD IS TOO POOPY!”

I taped it to the door.

Then I started watching television. I don’t remember what it was that I watched. It was either Criminal Minds or Modern Family or both.

By the time the husband came home, I’d forgotten about the sign.

“What’s up with that?” he asked.

I explained the situation at hand.

“Did you clean off your shoes?” he asked.

“Of course I didn’t. You know I hate doing things like that. They’re outside, probably where they will be until April.”

“They’re outside?” he asked, incredulous.

“Yes,” I said.

He opened the door. He picked up my sneakers. Then he announced, “This is what I am going to do for you today. I am going to wash the poop off your sneakers.”

And he went into the basement and he did just that.

I was touched. After all, I’d never expected him to do that, nor had I asked.

Since I’m a big believer in positive reinforcement—especially when it comes to the training of puppies and of husbands–I posted to Facebook, “Love is when your spouse cleans dog poop off your sneakers without being asked.” A few people responded something to the effect of “ain’t that the truth.”

Over the weekend, he and the kid cleaned up the entire yard, too.

And that was going to be the end of this story until I wrote Part 1 yesterday and then read your comments. That’s when I realized that I had never had an important discussion with my husband or my daughter about who was going to do what with the puppy. Sure we’d had vague talks about how this was their puppy and not mine. But a talk about who was doing what chore? No.

No wonder things weren’t working out.

“We need to talk about that puppy,” I told my husband last night. Now, usually I’m not a fan of the “we need to talk” line. In this case, I used a tone of voice that was warm and fun. It communicated, “I’m not about to kill you. I just want to solve this silly little issue and I need your help.”

“Should we put the puppy in the other room?” he asked. “Because if we’re going to be plotting her demise, it’s probably not a good idea for her to hear us.”

This comment really lightened the mood.

I told him that we would not be plotting her demise.

“I don’t have enough time to scoop the yard,” I said. “And I don’t like being out there in the middle of the night wondering if my next step is going to be a mushy one.”

“I’ll scoop the poop,” he offered.

“It can be you or it can be the kid’s job. I don’t care whose job it is. But if it’s her job, I want you to supervise it and make sure it gets done. I already have homework duty. I don’t want to supervise her on poop duty, too. Or you can hire someone. I don’t really care as long as it happens every single week.”

From there we talked about the middle of the night wakings.

“I can’t keep being the person who gets up at 3 am. This is going to affect my writing.”

“I can get up,” he said.

“We should have a system. I do it one night. You do the next.”

“I’ll take tonight,” he said.

“So when I hear her whining and you are still sleeping, I’ll just punch you. When you feel me punch you, you’ll know that you need to get up,” I said.

“Something like that,” he said.

And at 3 am last night, something like that is exactly what I did. He got out of bed. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Problem solved.

For now.

I’d love to hear from you all. What did I do right? What did I do wrong?

I also want to respond to some of your comments from yesterday, especially the ones about giving up the dog. The puppy, as annoying as she is, has grown on me. So giving her up isn’t an option. Even though I was coerced into getting her, I did make a firm decision. I could have put off getting a puppy for a few months to 19 years had I wanted to. No one brought a puppy home against my wishes. I helped pick her out. So I am just as much a part of this problem as my husband and kid are. Perhaps more important, I am a big fan of rescuing dogs. I always get them from shelters. If you ever step foot in a shelter and witness just how many unwanted dogs there are in the world — maybe of which will be put down –it would just break your heart. The saddest cases are the elderly dogs who were given up for no other reason than that they are old. It’s really sad. There’s a part of me that wants to take 10 of them home. But that would generate more poop than my entire neighborhood could handle.

So we have this puppy. It’s hard work in the beginning with a puppy, but it will eventually pay off. She will eventually be a good dog, one that does not chew the carpet off our stairs or eat Legos as if they were dog treats. She will. I have faith.

And if I communicate effectively, we’ll all grow closer because of her. I’m sure of it.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

Help Solve This Marital Problem

Alisa — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:37:52 +0000

I’m starting a new occasional feature here at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Periodically, as issues come up in my marriage, I will write two-part posts like the following. In part 1, you’ll hear about the issue and have a chance to tell me what you think I should do about it. In Part 2, you’ll find out how I resolved it (or didn’t).

Let’s get started.

The Problem of Too Much Poop In the Yard, Part 1

I’ve told you all about the new puppy that has come into my life. To fully understand this issue, it’s important for you to know that I never truly wanted this puppy. We already have an aging dog, one that I adopted from a shelter nearly 12 years ago. He’s a sweetheart and my buddy. He still runs with me. I’m quite fond of him. He’s completely devoted to me. I didn’t want to bring another dog into the picture because I didn’t want the old guy to feel jealous and kicked aside.

I also didn’t want another dog because I suspected that I would be the one who ended up walking it, training it, feeding it and cleaning up after it. My husband and daughter swore up and down that this would not be the case. They both promised that they would take care of the new dog. I would hardly have to do anything, they said.

So, against my better judgment, I let them talk me into adopting a 4-month-old puppy.

You want to know what? The puppy needs to go out around 3 am. Do you wan to know who gets up and takes her outside?

Me.

She also needs to be fed twice a day. Do you want to know who does that?

Me.

She also needs a ton of exercise—lots of walking, lots of tug of war, and lots of ball chasing.

And I do most of it.

Let me tell you: walking two dogs is not easy, especially when one of them is a large 80 pound senior citizen and the other is a 16 pound puppy who is seemingly incapable of walking in a straight line. The puppy loves to walk circles around my body, tying the leash around my ankles. She also has a tendency to walk right in front of my feet, causing me to stop short and trip as I try to avoid stepping on top of her.

For the most part, I’ve used what I’ve been learning in my Buddhism class to reach a state of patient acceptance about it all. “Things should not be any different than the way they are,” I kept telling myself. I tried to focus on the positives: how I’ve trained the puppy to sit and almost trained her to stay and how she seems to be a little more house broken every day.

But I reached the limits of my ability to be patient and maintain positive thoughts when it came to the yard.

Two dogs have a way of creating quite a bit of dog poop.

I decided that there was no way I was going to scoop the dog poop in addition to everything else I was doing.

Just. No. Way.

So the poop kept accumulating.

It got to the point that there was almost more poop than grass. I had to keep finding new areas for the puppy to go in the middle of the night. I soon was taking her to the front yard to do her business. That way, I didn’t have as high a risk of accidentally stepping in poop in the dark.

I made a few comments about how much poop there was in the yard.

Neither the husband nor the daughter lifted a finger.

Well, one evening, when I was wearing my brand new sneakers, I stepped in it.

Let me tell you. I. Was. Not. Happy.

And there was no way telling myself, “Things should not be any different than the way they are” was going to calm me down.

Even though it was raining out, I left my dirty sneakers outside by the door.

I’ll tell you what happened next in Part 2. For now, comment on what you think I should have done next. Stay tuned. Toward the end of this week, I’ll also start another Your Biggest Marital Problem series. There’s still time to leave a comment here and let me know about your biggest marital problem.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

What’s your most vexing problem?

Alisa — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:32:02 +0000

It’s that time of year again when I ask you to tell me about your problems. Last year scores of you told me about your biggest marital problems and, over the course of the year, I picked one at a time to profile here on the site and solve together as a community. The feature was quite popular, so I’d like to do it again this year with a twist. I’d like to broaden the scope. Comment here (if you are reading on email remember to click through to comment) or email me (alisa @ alisabowman (dot) com) and tell me about one or all of the following:

1. Your biggest marital problem. Why are you struggling in your marriage?

2. What’s standing between you and happiness. In other words, your biggest life problem. This does not have to relate to marriage. It can be about anything.

3. Marriage improvement advice you’ve tried to implement to no avail.

I’ll pick one problem each week to workshop together as a community.

In the meantime, for inspiration, check out the essay “How to Succeed In Marriage” that I wrote for Family Circle.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

How Not to Keep Score

Alisa — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:52:12 +0000

We should have named her, "Trouble."

My husband was leaving for a business trip. He bent down to kiss me. As I kissed him, I griped, “When you get back, you better pick up the slack with this new puppy.”

“What slack?” he said, taken aback.

“It’s just like I thought it would be when I said I didn’t want another dog. I’m the one doing nearly everything. I’m feeding the puppy. I’m walking the puppy. I’m playing with the puppy. I’m training the puppy. And I’m cleaning up the puppy’s poop and pee. This was not supposed to be my puppy.”

“What? I walked the puppy today,” he said proudly.

“How many times?” I sneered.

“Once,” he said, not as confidently.

“I walked her twice,” I said.

“How many times did you walk her yesterday?” I pressed.

And it went on like this, even though I knew better.

Conversations like this are rarely productive.

They’re not because my husband and I have different scoring systems. It doesn’t matter how much evidence I throw in his face. He’ll always feel as if he’s pulling his weight, even if I think he’s not.

Case in point: This past weekend, I spent an entire day being a mom, being a dog owner, and being a home Goddess. I got up at the crack of dawn to walk the puppy. I cleaned up the puppy’s accidents three or more times. I looked through macaroni and cheese recipes with my kid, had her pick one out, and went to the grocery store together to buy the ingredients. I paid bills. I straightened the house. I listened to my kid whine as we both walked the puppy at a nearby park.

I stopped the puppy from chewing on nearly everything in the house.

This is the husband, shown with the dog who likes to pee by my desk.

During all of this time, my husband was sleeping, off at work, running personal errands and watching television.

Around 6 pm I was in the kitchen making macaroni and cheese. I’d already boiled the elbows. I had all the ingredients measured out. I have the casserole dish ready and the oven pre-heated.

I had just poured the milk into a pan and started heating it when the husband came in and said, “You’re using THAT much cheese?”

“I’m following a recipe,” I said. “That’s what it calls for.”

He read the recipe. He obviously didn’t think I was capable of following a recipe without his help. He’s like that. I’ve written about how he’s a back seat cook, so this should not come as a surprise to you.

“You don’t have Gouda cheese,” he said.

“The store doesn’t sell pre shredded Gouda. I made some substitutions. It will be fine.”

He examined my cheese choices. He decided one of them wasn’t good enough. He put it back in the fridge and took out a container of pizza cheese instead.

As I said, he’s like this. I used to blow my top when he would do things like this. Now I just roll my eyes.

Sometimes I laugh, but not this time.

On this day I had a cold and the puppy had worn me out. So I was already grumpy by the time I boiled the first elbow.

He started adding cheese to the milk. That’s when I left the room. I am not a back seat cook.

Later he and our kid got in a fight over who was going to watch what on TV. She called him a lazy bum. He sent her to her room. Later when he asked her if she was sorry, she replied, “No, you are a lazy bum. All you do is watch TV.”

He said, “I am not lazy! I just worked hard cooking dinner and I find it really annoying when you call me lazy!” And he added more time to her room sentence.

I found his response interesting. My first thought was, “You cooked dinner?”

My second thought was, “You thought you were working hard when you were telling me how I should be cooking dinner and when you completed the last two steps of the recipe I’d already almost finished?”

I didn’t say any of this out loud. I just found it amusing.

For some time, my mind was quite busy with score keeping. I mentally added up all of the things I do around the house on a regular basis: 80 percent of the cleaning, 80 percent of the grocery shopping, 90 percent of the cooking, all of the bill paying and budgeting, all of the investing, all of the accounting, all of the mail sorting, most of the home organization, all of the kid’s medical appointments, most of the homework supervising, nearly all of the dog walking and all of the putting away of various things, especially laundry.

I thought about what he does: all of the yard work, all of the fixing of various broken things, most of the laundry, occasional cooking, occasional cleaning, some dog walking, some kid supervision.

My list is a lot longer than his list, isn’t it?

I also began tallying a different list of free time. Most days my husband had enough free time to hang out with his friends, ride his bike for hours, and camp out on the sofa while he watches motorized vehicles travel in circles on television.

On the other hand, I usually have just enough free time to squeeze in a 30-minute run and a 10- or 15-minute meditation if I’m lucky.

But this kind of score keeping isn’t helpful. It’s not because my husband has a similar list in his head and according to his list, he does more.

His list is wrong, of course, but that’s beside the point.

It’s pointless to argue about who does more because such an argument doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t solve any problems and it doesn’t make anyone feel any better.

Sure it might lead to a fleeting feeling of superiority, but that’s about it.

What would have been much more productive for me to say to my husband as he was leaving on his trip was this, “I’m already exhausted and I’m sure I’m going to be even more so by the time you return. When you get back, can you schedule in more home time so you can help me find more me-time?”

That kind of question would have gotten me somewhere.

In any relationship, happiness never comes from keeping a mental tally of who does more of what. Happiness comes from asking for support when you need it, from letting go of the small stuff, and from championing your spouse when he wants an atta boy for cooking the last quarter of a meal.

I know this. I’ve known it for a long time. This led me to wonder why I regressed and started keeping score again this weekend.

I blame it on the puppy. During times when free time is plentiful, it’s easy not to keep score. It’s more tempting, however, when I feel stressed, tired, worn out, out of shape, or neglected. When I don’t have enough time to care for my own needs—to sleep, to exercise, to meditate—I get grumpy and I start keeping score.

Until we got this puppy, I had just enough time for me. Once the puppy came into my life, not so much.

It’s similar to sustenance. At a family meal, if there is plenty of food on the table, no one notices how much anyone else eats. On the other hand, if there is not a heck of a lot of food on the table, people start keeping score, saying things like, “Hey, you have a bigger scoop of ice cream than I have. Not fair!”

In the end, the solution isn’t about fighting over scarcity. It’s in finding a way to create abundance.

Score keeping is fighting over scarcity.

Problem solving is how you create abundance.

Do you keep score in your relationships? Have you overcome your need to keep score? How? Are there times when you think score keeping is necessary? Why or why not?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

6 Ways to Overcome Negativity and Just Move On

Alisa — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 16:23:22 +0000

Readers often ask me for advice on how to move on. Often they want to forgive their spouses for an affair—whether it be physical, emotional, or financial. Sometimes they want to find a way to reach acceptance over an issue that they know will never change. And some just want to leave behind the habitual negativity that they’ve been carrying around with them for so long that it feels like a comfortable pair of jeans.

I’ve written about how to get past an affair here and here, as well as how to overcome trust issues. So I won’t rehash that advice. In this post, I’d like to share some simple yet powerful tricks I’ve learned through my study of Buddhist meditation. I hope you find them helpful.

Rejoice for your spouse’s good fortune. When we are envious, we feel that someone doesn’t “deserve” his good fortune, that we deserve the good fortune more, or both. For instance, for s long time I was quite envious of a fellow book author because her book made the New York Times bestseller list and mine didn’t. I spent more time than I care to admit comparing our books and mentally whining that my book deserved to be on the list more than hers did. I also believed that I deserved it more, too, because I had worked harder (or so I thought). That’s envy. I learned to counter it, in part, by rejoicing for her—being as happy for her good fortune as I might be for a dear friend who’d just birthed a baby. I also reminded myself that someone else’s good fortune had nothing to do with mine. It wasn’t easy, but over time I came to truly believe this. I was even able to feel happy for author and all she had done to deserve her success.
Offer it to a higher power. Sometimes we grasp onto negativity, an object or another person much like Gullum, in Lord of the Rings, hoarded his “precious” ring. We obsess over it. We can’t stop thinking about it. We worry the world might blow up if we part with it. To loosen up this attachment, try mentally gifting the object or person to someone or something else. For instance, I was very attached to my book getting on the bestseller list. To help ease that attachment, I imagined myself giving my book to the Buddha. I did this every day, sometimes several times a day. Eventually my attachment loosened and I was able to give away the book to human beings in real life, too. Other people tell me that they’ve used this technique to release their attachment to other people—especially ones they are not married to—and even to foods, negative thinking and more. Imagine a person in real life or a spiritual being and see yourself giving this being your gift as you say, “I would like you to hold onto this for a while” or “Here, I would like you to have this.”
Weed your mind. Think of your mind like a garden and your positive thoughts like the flowers or fruits you are trying to grow in that garden. Think of your negative thoughts as the weeds. As envy and other negative emotions come up, visualize yourself weeding those thoughts from your garden and pouring water, fertilizer and loving care onto your compassionate and forgiving thoughts instead. If you pay more attention to virtuous thoughts, they will grow stronger. If you pay less attention to non-virtuous thoughts, they will grow weaker. It’s all a matter of where you choose to place your attention.
Know suffering. Most of us, myself included, cling to the flawed notion that, someday, our lives will be perfect. We probably all have a different idea of perfect. For me, it’s the day when all of my bills are paid, my body no longer aches, freelance work comes to me effortlessly, my entire house is clean at the same time, my kid does her homework without me losing my temper, all of the various things that are now broken (heater, air conditioner, car radio, dish washer, ice maker, bedroom shade) are fixed, and people pay me to write memoirs and essays. Okay, I’d settle for my body not aching. At any rate, the reality is that life is never perfect. Sure we might all have a moment here and there where things feel just right. Most of the time, however, there’s a bill we weren’t expecting, a husband who is not doing what we asked, a kid who is whining about her homework and a new puppy who has just peed by our desks. Or maybe that’s just me. If you consider this truth often, you will accept that suffering is a part of life and that your life will never be perfect. Once you can do that, then you will be able to accept what will not change.
Love your enemies. Whenever I find myself feeling envious or someone, I force myself to do a favor for that person. I find I am mostly envious of other writers, authors and bloggers, so I invariably find myself promoting other author’s books, work and blogs. I help them network. I even have gone as far as to help them find work. In the end, this truly isn’t a punishment. Once I am able to let go of my envy, I feel better. I also usually end up turning a person I once saw as an enemy into a friend.
Practice equanimity. One of the goals of Buddhism is to love everyone equally. The Buddhists say that seeing someone as an enemy means we are giving inappropriate attention to someone’s faults. When we see someone as precious and are jealous, we give inappropriate attention to that person’s pluses. To ease yourself out of those extremes, it’s helpful to visualize three sets of beings: 1) Those you love unconditionally (such as your children or pets) 2) Those you feel neutral about (such as the stranger on the treadmill next to you at the gym) 3) Those you feel negative toward. Take the strong love you feel from the first set and see if you can apply it to the second and third set. At first, you might just picture yourself sending these beings warm, white light. Over time you might hear yourself saying, “I wish you much happiness” and you won’t have a single tinge of sarcasm when you say it.

What are you struggling to overcome in your relationship? What do you wish you could part with? How has envy and jealousy affected your relationships? What strategies do you use to help yourself forgive, accept and move on?

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.

What You Don’t Know About Monogamy

Alisa — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:19:01 +0000

Kayt Sukel is a courageous woman. For a story, she once agreed to have her brain scanned while she was having an orgasm. I understood that, according to science, her orgasm was nothing short of amazing. You might even say it was mind blowing. (Sorry, couldn’t resist).

Kayt is also courageous for another reason. She’s a journalist who makes a living much in the same way I do. One day she got the bravery to write a proposal for a daring book about sex. She now finds herself in the absolutely terrifying place I was just one year ago. The book is out. She wants it to do well.

I can’t even begin to express how scary it is to publish a book. I want her book to sell.

I want it to sell because I like Kayt and I want her to be happy and sane. I want it to sell because it’s a good book, one that you will learn from. It will turn everything you thought you knew about sex and relationships upside down. Here’s just a small taste. Buy the book. You won’t be sorry.

5 Big Fat Myths about Monogamy

by Kayt Sukel

You’ve heard it all before: every time a politician or professional athlete gets caught with his pants around his ankles (or with his naughty bits captured for posterity on some young ingénue’s cellular telephone), the debate about monogamy starts again. Is monogamy possible? Is it even natural?

There are some compelling arguments on both sides of this debate. Which may be why it keeps coming up time and time and again. But while some will tell you that the latest and greatest findings in science suggest monogamy—especially the lasting kind of monogamy—is not and never was an option, science is rarely that clear cut. Here are five big fat myths about the big ‘M’:

Myth 1: Humans aren’t cut out for monogamy—never were and never will be.

Celebrity divorces, political dalliances—they bring out those relationship experts who long to tell you all about why monogamy isn’t “natural.” But let’s face it, there’s not much that we, as evolved human beings do, that is all that “natural” anymore. Think about it: we live in houses with air conditioning and big-screen televisions. We get our food in cellophane-wrapped packages at the supermarket. We use drugs to speed up or slow down our fertility as required. From my perspective, “natural” has little to do with it.

But leaving that semantic quibble aside, is monogamy “possible?” Yes, indeed it is. While our genes, our hormones and our particular path of brain development may make us more or less randy than the average person, and give us suggestions to pursue non-monogamous behaviors, there is nothing to suggest that monogamy is impossible. The parts of our brains that differentiate us from our evolutionary ancestors (and have helped us to create this world where we live rather “unnaturally”) give us the power to exercise judgment and make our own decisions. Of course, whether or not it is always easy to remain monogamous an altogether different question…

Myth 2: Okay, so maybe then men aren’t cut out for it.

Have you ever noticed that when we talk cheating, we’re always looking at the guys? Never mind that quite a few women participate in extracurricular activities…

Some have argued that cheating is an evolutionary imperative for the guys. Since males have billions of billions of sperm to spread around and little biological commitment after depositing them, their best mating strategy is to get with as many females as humanly possible. But once again, there are a lot of steps between a gene, a developing brain and an executed behavior. There’s no all or nothing here: men, just like women, have those big old frontal lobes that give them the power to decide. As one researcher told me, “It’s easy to look at an individual human and say, ‘Aha! His genes made him do it. When you talk about powerful men who cheat on their wives, it’s all too easy to say that, evolutionarily, this is just what powerful men do and have always done. That’s just a parody of how evolution really works. No individual is held captive by his genes.” That goes for not-so-powerful men, too.

Myth 3: Romantic love always fades over time.

Look around you. Chances are you know at least one couple in your own life that has managed to not only stand the test of time but look darn happy while doing it. Neuroimaging studies have demonstrated that romantic love has a unique signature in the brain—with certain regions lighting up when one person looks at a photo or hears the name of their beloved. Most of those studies, however, have focused on those who are in the throes of new love. But, as it turns out, that brain signature can remain even after decades of togetherness. When researchers at Rutgers University scanned individuals who claimed to still be passionately in love, even after 20 years or more together, they found a very similar brain pattern of brain activation. Love and passion can be sustained over time. How and why is still under investigation.

Myth 4: A simple genetic test can tell you if your mate will cheat.

In the past few years, two genes, AVPR1A and DRD4, have been implicated in monogamous behaviors in animal models as well as in some human genome studies. AVPR1A codes for a certain type of receptor (the vasopressin receptor) which helps prairie voles form monogamous bonds. DRD4, a dopamine receptor, has been linked to risk-taking and addiction. Research done on both of these genes have resulted in headlines like, “Infidelity: It’s All in the Genes,” and “Why He Cheats.” As well as calls for quick and inexpensive genetic tests to help you see whether or not a partner will be faithful.

There’s just one problem. It’s not that simple. And, in the human studies that took a look at these two genes, fidelity wasn’t something the researchers actually looked at directly. Ooops.

Remember that human brains have big frontal lobes. And as Justin Garcia, the Binghamton University researcher who studies the DRD4 gene told me, “We’re cognitive creatures. We recognize there are consequences to our actions. No matter what our particular genetic make-up may be, we can use our frontal lobes and decide not to cheat.”

Myth 5: If one partner wants sex a lot more than the other, the only solution is to bring in a pinch-hitter.

Dan Savage tells couples that they need to be “good, giving and game” to even think about making monogamy work. He also advocates allowing your partner the occasional sexual indiscretion.

While Savage’s take is an interesting one, the neuroscientific evidence only supports his “good, giving and game” stance—but not just when it comes to sex. Work in the Cotton-top Tamarins, a monogamous species of monkey, suggests that giving your partner what they want—in terms of affection and sex—helps cement relationships. Charles Snowdon, a researcher at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, noticed that Cotton-top Tamarin couples, much like human couples, show a lot of variety in affiliation. Some are very lovey-dovey, while others seem connected by the most tenuous of threads. He and his team wondered why. They found that the more loving couples had high correlated levels of a chemical called oxytocin, sometimes called the “cuddle chemical.” But, what’s more, those oxytocin levels were driven by the partners giving their one and only what the other wanted and needed. Simply put, they found that when men snuggled and groomed their females more and the females gave their mates more sex, the relationship thrived. No need for pinch-hitters.

Kayt Sukel is a passionate traveler, science writer and Mom whose work has appeared in the Atlantic Monthly, the New Scientist, the Washington Post, Parenting and American Baby. She is a partner in the award-winning family travel website Travel Savvy Mom and can frequently be found oversharing on Twitter as @kaytsukel. Her first book, DIRTY MINDS: HOW OUR BRAINS INFLUENCE LOVE, SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS was published today. This funny and irreverent tome takes on the age-old question,”What is love?” from a neurobiological perspective–and offers a frank discussion on how our brains can wreak such havoc with our hearts.

WANT TO WIN A COPY OF THE BOOK? Leave a comment about what you wish you’d learned about sex and relationships a long time ago. I’ll pick one winner by random drawing by the end of the week.

Learn more about Alisa's book, the story of how she went from wishing her husband dead to falling back in love.

To find out how the book has changed lives click here.