She glanced over halfway through and was amazed not to see him flapping his hands, kicking his feet, or arching his back.

She described her emotions.

My son does that [hand flapping] because he has autism/aspergers. At first during the movie I never noted it. I don’t know why. Then I looked over at him and realized it. Waterworks come on like nobody’s business. I am crying in the middle of a movie that is not remotely close to being a tear jerker. At that point I am frantically trying to catch every tear that is going down past the 3D glasses I am wearing with my napkin I was using while I munched on buttery popcorn.

I could not tell at first in the confusing emotions I was feeling if I was really happy or sad too. I think it was a combination of the two. Relief, gladness, sadness and wondering.

You may wonder, “Why was she so happy?  What was the big deal?”

Because she’s a parent, and a mother. And we parents love our kids. And we want them to go through life experiencing only great things. Unfortunately, per her quote regarding a survey by the Interactive Autism Network, almost 2/3 of children with autism spectrum disorders have been bullied at some point. And the survey found that these kids are three times as likely as typical kids to have been bullied in he past month.

Hand flapping is merely a subset of stimming.

According to Wikipedia,  ”Stimming is a repetitive body movement, such as hand flapping, that is hypothesized to stimulate one or more senses. The term is shorthand for self-stimulation. Repetitive movement, or stereotypical movement, is often referred to as stimming under the hypothesis that it has a function related to sensory input.[1]”

According to the DSM-IV, one of the characteristics of Aspergers and autism is

(II) Restricted repetitive & stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

(A) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(B) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(C) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements) (bold my emphasis)
(D) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

Why do individuals on the autism spectrum flap their hands?

First, not everyone on the autismm spectrum flaps their hands.

Some may walk on their tip toes, others may have other repetitive behaviors that they practice, such as twisting string, or complex body movements.

One hypothesis is that the stimming behavior helps the person cope with overwhelming sensory input and emotion, whether positive or negative. So a person may stim when excited or under the stress/anxiety of having to cope with, for example, confusing social situations.

NT’s “Flap Their Hands”, Too!

Well, it’s not exactly the same type of behavior.

But think about this:

• Do you ever chew your nails?
• Do you every click a pen repeatedly?
• Do you ever shake your leg when you have extra energy or excitement, or anxiety?
• Have you ever tapped your penci?
• Have you ever paced back and forth before a test or exam?
• Or have you ever twirled you hair?

Then you fall into the same category!

Here’s where many individuals with autism take issue with NT’s, feeling that NT’s are overly judgmental of their behavior.

From the general public’s standpoint,  it’s the choice of stim and the quantity of stim that can get in the way of social perception and relating.

We know from social thinking that how we behave affects how other people think about us.

For good or for bad, behaviors that are unexpected will make people uncomfortable, often to the point of avoiding us or even making fun of us.

I’m not going to tell you whether to stim or not, but you may want to consider stimming within the greater context of whether you want to form friendships with NT’s. Yes, the NT’s will have to be flexible enough to understand and accept you. But you’ll also need to be flexible enough to understand that ‘not typical’ behavior will make NT’s uncomoforable, too.

Some Interesting Internet Reading About Hand Flapping, Aspergers, and the Autism Spectrum

Here’s a thread from Wrong Planet on the topic.

This Hand Flapping Video from Wired Magazine has been a big hit on YouTube.  It’s explained from an Aspie’s point of view:

Beyond Hand Flapping: Six Sensory Strategies to Help Your Calm Yourself — This is a great article from one of my favorite Aspie authors, Brian King.

Hand Flapping, Aspergers, and the Autism Spectrum is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

A blog is in many ways a continuing conversation.

Andrew Sullivan

I like the above quote.  Because we autism bloggers need to learn from and interact with each other!

And if you are new to the subject of the wonderful autism spectrum, it helps to find many bloggers in one place.

I hope to highlight other autism spectrum blogs in the future.

For today’s post, I found seven autism spectrum blogs for your reading enjoyment.  Check them out early and often!

The bloggers featured today are all diagnosed with Aspergers, and they’re making their mark on the world.

The Autistic Me: Writing to Understand

C.S. Wyatt, PhD, is an assistant professor within the School of Communications and Information Systems, Department of English and Communication Skills, at a private university.

Here are his credentials, as listed on his blog:

My doctorate is from the Univ. of Minnesota. My specializations are new media, online education, and special needs students. The granting program was Rhetoric, Scientific and Technical Communication; cross-disciplinary coursework was completed in several departments to address my varied interests.

His blog represents his quest to learn ever more about the autism spectrum.

As an NT, I’m grateful for blogs like these. It’s essential that we NT’s learn from those on the autism spectrum, because there is no way we will ever fully understand the spectrum without their insights.

Dr. Wyatt provides two pages I find particularly helpful:

Ask A Question

If you have a topic or question you would like to see addressed on The Autistic Me, feel free to post it here. I will do my best to respond with a blog entry and will include the tag / label “questions” to enable searching for reader questions and my responses.

Education and ASD’s

Having progressed through the education system to the point of obtaining his PhD, Dr. Wyatt is well qualified to help us understand the intersection between autism spectrum conditions and our current educational system.

Life With Aspergers

Gavin Bollard learned about Aspergers when his eldest son was diagnosed with the condition at age 6.  As he researched the diagnosis, Gavin found out that the description applied to him as much as it did to his son.  A meeting with a psychologist confirmed his suspicions that he himself had Aspergers.

Gavin started his blog so that he could continue to learn more about the autism spectrum.  He has a refreshing focus on the positive aspects of Aspergers while acknowledging some of the challenges of living with Aspergers.

You’ll enjoy his Series Articles Page, where he’s written on diverse topics such as Bullying and Bullies; Carrying On Conversations; Aspie Relationships; Aspie Employment; Parenting; and About Me (his story of his early childhood to present).

Gavin has a gift for writing powerfully and pragmatically.  Reading his blog will definitely improve your life.

Asperger’s Diary

Lynne Soraya is the pen name for a woman with Aspergers.  I’m grateful to Lynn for introducing me to her viewpoints on living life through the lens of the autism spectrum.  She is a gifted writer.

She explains the purpose of her blog:

The aim of my writing is to use stories, mine and others’, to build awareness and help others like me. It is my hope that the stories, information, and resources I share will help the world at large to learn that while life on the spectrum can be a difficult at times, it can be a rich and valuable life.

Lynn writes with keen insight and intelligent opinions on a range of topics.   I remember reading her article, The Pain of Isolation: Aspergers and Suicide, and being riveted to her story from her own life (not of suicide, but of painful isolation).  It was just one more building block in my overall understanding of some of the social challenges that Aspergers can bring.  On the other hand, she talks about the value of realistic optimism in her post, Living a Life of “Yes”: Is Disability Just About Deficits?  Her articles will greatly improve your life.

Look Me In The Eye

John Elder Robison, author of the books Look Me In The Eye: My Life With Aspegers, and Be Different: Adventures of a Free-Range Aspergian with Practical Advice For Aspergians, Misfits, Families,  and Teachers, writes in a humorous, honest, and unique way.  I think I finished his book, Look Me in the Eye in almost one sitting because I could not put it down!

John is a tireless advocate for autism spectrum research and representation.  When he’s not running his high end vehicle restoration shop, he can be heard speaking around the country.

If you’d like to learn a little bit more about John, check out this CBS interview, also posted on John’s blog.

Spectrum Mentor

Brian King, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, personal mentor and coach, and father.  He is diagnosed with Asperger’s, and has three boys with Aspergers.

I appreciate his realistic and positive view of himself, others, and the world.  One of my favorite articles I’ve read on the subject of Aspergers and autism is the one he wrote called Why The Universe Created Aspergers.

Brian has written a book, I’m An Aspie; A Poetic Memoir for Living the Human Experience Through the Eyes of Asperger’s .

If you want to improve your life on the autism spectrum, stop by his site, sign up to become a free member of his community.  And if you are needing expert help, check out his programs and services.

Conclusion

These are just a few of my favorite Aspergers autism blogs.

I know I’ve only covered five, but that’s all I had time for today!

Would you please submit some of your suggestions if you know some high quality autism spectrum blogs that have improved your life?

Improve Your Life With These Autism Spectrum Blogs is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I wrote an article called What Everyone Should Know About Aspergers and Marriage a while ago.  Here is what one of the commentors said:

My husband and I went to therapy after our 1st year of marriage(it was either that or I was going to leave him or kill him and I loved him too much for that… but he was driving me nuts…any way…we are almost at 8 years together and very happy now… our psychologist saw what we brought to the table and recognized AS in my Billy…some days are tough but he is so special…and I am one of the very few people he lets into his strange yet beautiful world…that goes a long way for me….

On the other hand, not everyone makes it through an NT Aspie marriage:

I too was in one of these relationships. I didn’t find out about the AS until after the divorce had begun and by then it was much too late. I spent 5 years being critized because I was “over emotional” or I was hurt by things that didn’t bother him, both physical and emotional. He’d up and leave me alone for hours regularly because he “couldn’t handle being around [me]” unless I was perfectly still and quite. I was constantly stressed and because depressed because I had no support from anyone (including counselors). No real help was ever given or offered. I stayed that long b/c I was told it was all in my mind or it really wasn’t that bad and all men are like that. I was told I needed to try harder and then things would be fine.

Dr. Cindy Ariel, author of Loving Someone With Aspergers Syndrome, says

Perhaps disappointment now colors your relationship, and you struggle to see the good points.  Maybe you experience some of the following issues:

• You cannot rely on your partner to get chores done around the house.
• Your partner forgets to pay bills on time.
• Your partner cannot seem to get the children where they need to go.
• You cannot depend on your partner to be there for you when you feel sick.
• Your partner won’t act even mildy appreciative toward your parents for lending you money.
• Your partner is between jobs again.

Over time, disappointment, hurt, and misunderstanding result from the differing thinking styles and expectations of a neurotypical person married to an individual with Aspergers.   I have read several comments from NT partners who speak about suffering from the Cassandra complex.  According to Wikipedia, the Cassandra complex is “a psychological phenomenon in which an individual’s accurate prediction of a crisis is ignored or dismissed.”

I can’t pretend to understand every particular person’s situation.  I’m an NT married to an NT.  But I do offer some hope and solutions from a couple of relationship experts.

Cindy Ariel, PhD, is a psychologist in Philadelphia, PA, with over twenty years of experience working with people working with Asperger’s syndrome.  She recently published Loving Someone With Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding And Connecting With Your Partner.  I’m taking most of the tips in this article from her book.

Michelle Weiner-Davis has written several books.  You can read more about her at Divorce Busting.  Here are two books to equip you with some powerful solutions: Change Your Life And Everyone In It: How To, and Divorce Busting: A Step By Step Approach To Making Your Marriage Loving Again.

Work Together

This is obviously the most ideal situation.  If both you and your partner are willing to work together to make your marriage better, the chances of success will increase.

Here are some suggestions I thought of to help you approach your Asperger’s partner, especially if s/he has not yet been diagnosed with the condition.

Provide Information

You may want to suggest that s/he take some of the Asperger’s online tests.  These tests are by no means definitive, but may help your Aspie partner be willing to seek a more comprehensive diagnosis.

Provide Positive Examples

I’ve written several posts about famous people with Aspergers, including James Durbin, Clay Marzo, Travis Meeks, Satoshi Tajiri, and Heather Kuzmich.

You may want to review these yourself to understand the inspirational qualities of these people, so that you can appreciate the positive qualities of the autism spectrum and share those with your partner.

Be Tactful

Sometimes, when we want our partner to see things our way, we make the mistake of lecturing more, yelling more, or resenting more.  And that comes across in our body language and tone of voice.  When we come to our partner seeking to help versus seeking to change him/her, we stand a better chance of being listened to.

Catch Your Partner At a Good Time

In other words, don’t wait until you’re in a full blown fight to bring up your ideas about the autism spectrum.  If you can discuss this topic when both of you are calm and relaxed, your partner will probably be a bit more open to hearing what you have to say.

Working Alone

What if your partner doesn’t want to hear anything you have to say, especially on the topic of Aspergers?

We must be the change we wish to see in the world

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

The above quote is so powerful because one man, Gandhi, effected the change that ended years of British colonial rule and issued in Indian independence.

We can learn from this powerful quote that the more we work on ourselves, the more powerful change we can effect.

Take Care of Yourself

You may be close to burnout when you read this article.  Please don’t give up.

It’s time to seek some help and understanding from someone who understands.  If you seek individual counseling, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who understands the nuances of the autism spectrum as well.

Whether you seek support through individual therapy, coaching, or a support group (online or offline), it will be helpful to write your thoughts down in black and white.

Here’s a relationship exercise for your.  Get your journal, set aside 10-15 minutes, and complete the following sentences:

• The best thing about my partner is ____________________.
• I cannot stand when my partner  _____________________.
• My hope for our relationship is _______________________.

I’ve looked for sites designed for NT’s in relationship with.  And I found Aspires: Climbing the Mountain Together.

Here’s a quote from the site:

ASPIRES is an on-line resource for spouses and family members of adults diagnosed or suspected to be on the autistic spectrum. Our approach to one another and towards our “significant others” is directed towards solving problems in our relationship with a spectrum-sitting spouse.

ASPIRES is an e-mail subscription list for individuals with AS, and those who have a parent, spouse, or child with AS. We share our family and relational experiences, resources and survival tips as well as offer encouragement and hope. Through sharing, we hope to lighten one another’s burdens and find positive solutions to many of the troubling challenges that characterize our relationships and bridge the communication gap that exists in everyday life.

Develop A New Mindset

Ying and Yang

An Aspie partner may be a genius at fixing plumbing leaks and other household construction problems, but have no clue when it comes to social relationships.

The NT partner may be clueless about fixing plumbing leaks and household items, but may find it easy to navigate social relationships.

Every partner has his/her strengths and weaknesses.

In the same way, as an NT, you must realize that Aspies have neurological differences in thinking that include both strengths and weaknesses.

Brian King from Spectrum Mentor, wrote a tremendous article called, Why The Universe Created Asperger’s,  that will help you better understand how Aspies help the world go round.

Study Aspergers

I grew up outside of the United States.  Unfortunately, many countries perceive Americans as arrogant and insensitive.

Why?

Because Americans often assume that their way of thinking, valuing, and behaving is the only right way.  Americans will often travel overseas without taking any time to study and learn the culture they will be visiting or living in.

In the same way, NT partners must be proactive in their relationship by taking the time to study and learn about both the strengths and challenges of the autism spectrum.  Immersing yourself in Aspergers’ points of view, thoughts, feelings, and culture will help you develop trust, empathy, and understanding.

I remember when I first joined the WrongPlanet online community.  A lot of Aspies treated me with suspicion and skepticism.  Was I there to promote some product?  Would I really seek to understand?  A few years later, I think I’ve earned the right to be heard on the forums.  But it took time, listening, and sensitivity on my part.

Work to Appreciate Your Partner’s Aspergers Advantage

Here’s a general list of some of the Asperger’s advantages (from Cindy Ariel’s book, Loving Someone With Asperger’s Syndrome):

• High or superior IQ
• Excellent memory for certain facts and details
• Intense focus and attentiveness
• Steadfast loyalty
• Strong sense of justice
• Noncomformist attitudes
• Clear moral beliefs
• Kind and gentle behavior
• Extensive vocabulary
• Creative talents

Here’s an Asperger’s relationship exercise from Dr. Ariel’s book, called AS Advantages in Your Relationship.

Your partner brings many positive traits to the table.  Improving your relationship involves highlighting these traits and using them to make needed changes. This exercise focuses on the positive characteristics of Asperger’ s in your relationship.

1. List at least three positive attributes your partner offers in your relationship.  Resist the urge to add how many of them may also have become a negative trait.  For now, just give your partner credit for positive characteristics.
2. Write a sentence of two next to each item in the list to explain how this trait positively affects your relationship.
3. Keep this list handy to refer to later.  Your partner’s positive traits may be useful in strengthening weaker areas of relating.  Rereading the list at times can also remind you of the positive characteristics that help to make you relationship worth your continued love and energy.

Here’s how the above exercise might look:

My Partner’s AS Advantages:

• Intensely Focused: Persistent until he fixes what breaks around the house.  Can learn to fix almost anything.
• Honest: I can trust that whatever he tells me is truthful.
• Calm: Does not become easily upset or stressed by things not working around the house; he just goes about fixing them.
• Predictable: I can rely on him to do exactly what he says he will do, when he says he will do it.

Change Can Happen!

There are cases in which a marriage or committed relationship can become abusive.  In those cases, take the steps necessary to protect yourself.

Remember, however, that many marriages and committed relationships end because one or the other of the partners does not see any hope: just burnout and frustration.  Be willing to reach out for the help you need; be willing to change your mind; take action, and see what happens.  There are coaches available at Divorce Busting, and you may also want to consult with Brian King from Spectrum Mentor.  Or you may want to find a therapist who understands the unique set of strengths and challenges of being married or in a committed relationship with an Aspie.

Are You Fighting For Your Aspergers Marriage? is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I get by with a little help from my friends.

John Lennon

Our friends actually help us get through a whole lot.  As humans, we’re built to be social.

Yet, it can be challenging for teens and adults on the autism spectrum to connect with others in order to form and maintain friendships.

The PEERS treatment manual, also known as Social Skills for Teenagers with Developmental and Autism Spectrum Disorders, is an evidenced based group training manual involving parents and teenagers.

Unfortunately, too often parents have a hard time finding structured groups like these for their kids.

My goal in this article and future articles on this topic is to show you how you can apply these strategies with one or more parents on your own.  So if you are having a hard time finding a social skills training group for your teenager, you can now become the teacher.  You and your teen will work together to learn to make and keep friends.

Before Getting Started: Test Your Assumptions

I know that it’s not easy to decode the social world as an individual on the autism spectrum.  But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.  It just means it will take more work.  I encourage you, as a parent or as a teenager on the autism spectrum, to challenge your own beliefs about what is possible.  Stretch yourself and apply yourself to learning these social skills, and you’ll find that you have more ability than you think in the social domain.

 The Parent-Teenager Team

You and your teenager will need to work together to improve your teen’s social skills.

In order to do this, both of you will have to be convinced of the importance of learning these skills.  Review together the benefits of learning these skills: higher probabilities of a) friendships; b) increased ability to deal with some of the social challenges of employment in the future; c) enhanced self esteem and self-concept in the social skills areas of life.

It’s not always going to be easy to follow these lessons, but if you are sold on the value, you’ll be willing to pay the price.

Find Another Parent-Child Team

You’ll need to have at least one parent and one other teen to make this work.

This parent and child don’t have to commit to becoming future friends with you.  You’ll have to agree that the main point of meeting together is to increase each other’s social skills.

Where can you find another parent or child?

I can think of a couple possibilities.

First, you may want to consult with your school social services department.

Perhaps they would be willing to put you in touch with another parent and teen who may be open to practicing friendship skills.

Second, you’ll want to look up a local aspergers support group.

Read my article about Asperger Support groups to find one near you.

Get in touch with the leader of that group and find out whether there may be other parents and teens interested in going through the PEERS curriculum together.

If you’re proactive and courageous enough you could actually organize your own friendship skill building group within the Aspergers support group!

Aspergers Social Skills Lesson 1

This is the very first social skills lesson you’ll put together for your group.

I’m going to write up more of these lessons over time for this blog.  But you can buy the PEERS curriculum yourself to have ready access if you’re forming a group.

Parent Meeting

All parents involved should meet together before the initial meeting with the teens.

As parents coaching your teens, you’ll want to understand first social skills lesson before sharing it with your teen.

Conversational Skills I : Trading Information

You’ll want to begin by discussing characteristics of a good friendship, as well as what different levels of friendship are.

You’ll be reviewing The Rules For Trading Information when you get together with your teens.

Here are the rules, from this chapter in the PEERS program:

*Ask the other person about himself or herself (e.g., their interests, their hobbies)

*After the other person finishes, answer your own questions

-Share something related about yourself (e.g., your interests, likes, hobbies)

*Find common interests:

-Identify things you can talk about

-Identify activities you can do together

-Find out what he or she does not like to do — so you can avoid doing those things

*Share the conversation

-Give the person a chance to ask you a qustion or make a comment

-Pause occasionally to let the other person direct the conversation

>If the person does not say anything – follow up with another question or comment
-You may need to assess to make sure the person is interested in the conversation:
~are they participating in the conversation (e.g., talking to you, asking questions)?
~are they making eye contact?
~are they trying to walk away?
~what is their body langauge saying? (e.g., facing you, or facing away?)

*Do not get too personal at first

-this may make the other person uncomfortable

-they may be less willing to talk to you in the future

Parent Teen Meeting

During this gathering, you’ll want to discuss with your teens the reason that you’re working on these lessons.  The lessons can be fun, but you’ll need to have rules for respect, attention, and staying on topic.

When you purchase the PEERS curriculum, you can review the section for each lesson for the Teen Group Leader.  These sections include games, activities, and role plays to help the Aspergers teen have fun while learning these friendship building skills.

Meet With Your Teens During The Week

1) Practice trading information with your teen during the week

a) Review the rules for trading information with your teen during the week

b) Find a common interest to share with the other parent/teen unit (what is something your teen is interested in, likes to do, etc., that s/he may have in common with the other teen you’ll be talking to)

2) Explain your teen’s homework assignment: calling the other teen to “trade information”

a) Before the Call

i Before leaving the group, explain that to your teen that he will be calling his peer to practice conversational skills

1. Set up a day and time with the other parent for your teen to make the call to his/her teen

2.Discuss where the parent will be during the call

3. Go over the rules for trading information with teen before call

b) During the call

1. Teens should trade information on the phone

2. Find a common interest to report back to the group

c) After the Call

1. Parent and teen to disucss the phone call and identiy common interests and troubleshoot any problems

Tips For Coaching and Troubleshooting

• Consider videotaping your daughter or son talking on the phone.  This can help your teens observe themselves and learn what works and what needs work.
• Offer suggestions if your teen is struggling with a new skill (e.g., How about if.. statements: like, How about if, next time you are trading information, you ask your friend about what she likes to do, too?)
• Watch movies or television shows for examples of people trading information.  Refer to the rules of trading information and note what the people in these shows are doing correctly.
• A general guidebook that I would recommend to anyone is the timeless classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.  Read through it together and discuss some of the social skills principles you can apply from that book.

Let me know if you find this post helpful.  Let me know what parts are not helpful.  Or let me know what you’d like to add to it!

Read This And Increase Your Aspergers Social Skills is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I feel like I’m at home in the water… waves are toys from God  ~Clay Marzo, Professional Surfer, diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome

Famous People With Aspergers: A Caution

I’ve written a few articles regarding famous people with Aspergers.

There’s a positive and negative side to articles showcasing famous people with Aspergers.

On the one hand, it’s encouraging for other young people and families on the autism spectrum to see positive examples of people on the spectrum who’ve made it to the spotlight.

On the other hand, Tony Attwood reminds us that Aspergers is part of the autism spectrum.  The word spectrum means that there are all levels of functioning, from barely functioning, to nearly almost fully functioning.

No parent or individual should unrealistically compare themselves to others and expect the same accomplishments out of themselves.  Rather, they should try to be the best possible version of themselves.

Clay Marzo

Wikipedia outlines Clay Marzo’s rise to fame in the world of aquatic athletes and surfing.

Clay Marzo was born on July 17, 1989 in San Diego, California. He was raised in Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii where he currently still resides.[4] Clay is an accomplished professional surfer and aquatic athlete.

When Marzo was 10 years old he won the Hawaii State 200m Freestyle in swimming. He has a natural talent in the water, and began to focus solely on surfing as he got older.

At age 11, he placed third at the National Scholastic Surfing Association (NSSA) national’s competition. NSSA is an amateur surfing association that focuses on student surfers. Originated in Huntington Beach, California, NSSA is categorized into seven regional conferences. One of these is located in Hawaii. When he was 15 he received two Perfect 10′s, (the first time in NSSA History) to win a National title.

Clay Marzo has such a raw, pure, and unique love for surfing and water that he inspired a movie/documentary made in his honor, called Just Add Water.

The movie trailer taught me a few lessons about parenting children with Aspergers,  people with Aspergers who want to grow and reach their potential, and lessons for neurotypicals who are interacting with Aspies.

Parenting Children With Aspergers

Appreciate Who They Are

Individuals with Aspergers are first and foremost people.  People are inherently amazing creations.  As a parent, honor and respect your child’s unique temperament, characteristics, and strengths.  Also, be willing to understand your child’s challenges within the context of how their brain is wired.

“I will not give my son a label: watch him, and you will see his raw intelligence.”

Clay’s mother

I love Clay’s mother’s attitude toward Clay and toward raising him.  She learned, early on, that he was different than his peers.  She also saw that he gravitated toward water.

So she built on his specialized interest toward water.

She also refused to label him.  A label can be helpful to gain a framework within which to understand your child.  But don’t let it define your child.  Your child is a person first.

Individuals With Aspergers

Build on Your Passion

This may not be too difficult to do.  Clay, for example, is literally like a ‘fish out of water’ when he is away from the surf.  He struggles, like so many autism spectrum individuals, with the sensory and social stimuli around him.

He finds peace and joy in the water.

In the same way, individuals on the autism spectrum are often most calm and joyful when immersed in their specialized interests.

Along the way, as a child matures, it may be helpful to explore how to harness that specialized interest and passion into strengths that will pay off from a career standpoint.

But the business world is teaching us that identifying and working with our strengths and passions is key to succeeding in our careers and life anyway.

Be Willing To Work On Your Weaknesses

This is a point separate from Clay Marzo’s biography.  I don’t know what kind of coaching he’s received to relate to the social world.

But all of us, whether on the autism spectrum or not, need to take personal responsibility to grow and develop areas that are not our areas of strength.

As an Aspie, you may need to reach out for coaching or counseling to help you learn how to deal with the stress that living in a neurotypical world can create.  Check out Brian King as one great coach, himself diagnosed with Aspergers, if you need a little extra help.

If you want to read a book full of Aspergers encouragement and tips, check out John Elder Robison’s book, Be Different: My Adventures With Aspergers, and My Advice For Fellow Aspergians, Misfits, Families and Teachers.

For Neurotypicals

Respect and embrace the autism spectrum for the balance it brings to the rest of the world.

Both Tony Attwood and Brian King have pointed out that autism and Aspergers are a different way of being in the world.

And that is a good thing!

Here’s a great quote from Brian King:

 It is my contention…that Autism is the Gift of Specialized Thinking and Ability. The Autistic brain is more refined and focused by design not by injury or illness. What some may call special gifts accompanied by learning deficits or disabilities is in my mind indicative of a brain that by virtue of it’s specialized design simply has different and very specific priorities.

We can learn much from individuals on the autism spectrum: their refreshing honesty, their pure love of their passions, living free from ego in many cases.

I’ve included a clip from Clay Marzo’s official website to help you get to know him a bit better:

Famous People With Aspergers: Clay Marzo is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

It takes community to maintain a human.

Earl Davis

No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.

H.E. Luccock

After the Aspergers diagnosis.

Parents.  Adults.  Teenagers.  Kids.

When any one of these people first find out about the Asperger’s diagnosis, they go through a myriad of emotions.

After the dust starts to settle, individuals start to question.  This is brand new territory to some people. Others have lived with Aspergers for a long time.

Often, they all have loneliness in common.

But no one needs to be or stay alone.  Thanks to increased awareness, Aspergers support groups have sprung up internationally and locally.  And on the internet!

Here’s some help for individuals and parents dealing with Aspergers.  Check out these different sites and see if you can find a fit for your particular situation.

GRASP

GRASP stands for the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership.

If you like Facebook as much as I do, you may want to stop by GRASP’s Facebook Page and join the community.  I just joined, so I hope you’ll join me there!

Here’s a state by state listing of asperger support groups in the United States from GRASP’s website.

OASIS @MAAP

The link above will take you to yet another state by state listing of Aspeger support groups in the United States.

Aspergers Meetups

Meetup.Com offers easy access to Aspergers support groups in your area.

Meet with local people affected by Asperger’s Disorder (Asperger Syndrome) for support and discussion.

When you go to Aspergers Meetups, you’ll see a search menu on the top right hand side of the page.

What if there is no Aspegers support group near you?

Create a meetup group of your own!  Here’s the link.  You may need to pay some ‘organizer’s fees’ to get started.  However, once you get organized, the group members can each contribute dues so that you’re not footing the bill.  Reach out to other individuals and families in your community through your local newspaper.  It’s a cheap way to get the word out on a mass scale to your community.

Wrong Planet

Alex Plank founded this online autism community years ago when he was still in high school!

Today, this online group has mushroomed to 66,000 members!

Here are just a few of some of the Aspergers support topics you can find in this community’s online forums:

• General Autism Discussion
• Parents Discussion Group
• Social Skills and Making Friends
• Adult Autism Discussion
• Adolescent Autism Forum
• Kids Crater
• Love and Dating
• Work and Finding a Job

 Aspergers Support Network Group on Facebook

If You’re Lonely, Find An Aspergers Support Group is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

This is a fairly common situation in thousands of households across America.  Over time, however, a stressed out child and stressed out parents create ever higher levels of stress, until you’re both wondering what’s wrong!

I’ve been reading a book called Treating Explosive Kids, by Drs. Ross W. Greene and J. Stuart Ablon.  I’d like to share some of mine and their concepts that will lay the groundwork for de-stressing the parenting process.

Take Time Out

Take time out as parents.  Your children need you to connect with each other.  Over time, stress can have the effect of causing us to do more of the same in hopes that it will solve the problem.  But I’ve met too many stressed out parents who have not been on a date in ages!  You need to have fun!  You need to take time out to re-fuel your tanks and to connect with each other!

If you want some practical ideas on how to implement time out for yourselves, I recommend that you read my article, Time Out For Parents of An Aspergers Child.

Make Down Time With Your Child A Priority

Sometimes a stressed out, angry child can seem like a porcupine.  Don’t let that faze you.  Take the time to connect with your child in a fun, non-stress setting.  Take interest in his/her interests: whether it’s Pokemon, their specialized interests, or something that you both enjoy doing together.  By building these regular times into your relationship, you will be greasing the wheels of your relationship, so that when the stressful times come, you will have a reservoir of good times to draw on.

Recognize Your Child’s Strengths

When we are going through stressful tugs of war with our children, we can forget about all their positive characteristics.  We may think of them as a “problem child.”  Just the opposite is the case!  This is a child with a unique way of thinking and feeling.  But just because s/he does not fit into our expectations of who a child “should” be, does not make her/him a problem child.

You may want to read about the strengths of children on the autism spectrum. Look for your child’s unique strengths, points of view, sense of humor, personality.  Celebrate those qualities often, so that you will have a balanced view of your child.

Gain A Better Understanding of Your Child’s Challenges

Understand Your Child’s Triggers

Your child’s triggers could be related to many things: sensory hypersensitivity; difficulty with transitions; difficulty being able to express himself/herself; difficulty being able to express him/herself.  There could also be sleep problems, food allergy problems, medical problems, or even internal family problems (stress in the marriage, for example).  Understanding your child’s triggers will help you, as a parent, be proactive in intervening prior to those situations coming up.  Or this understanding may help you seek out the additional treatment your child may need to address those triggers.

I highly recommend that you read another article on this blog, 10 Things Your Child With Autism Wants You To Know.

I also recommend that you read a previous article I wrote, Little Known Ways To Understand Explosive Children.  In that article, I covered five areas that children on the autism spectrum may struggle with.  This just means that, along with their many personal strengths, they may have areas they need to grow in:  this could include: executive skills; language-processing skills;  emotion regulation skills; cognitive flexibility skills; and social skills.

I encourage your to read the article in order to get a better understanding of those areas of cognitive skills.

Consider Neuropsychological Testing

Neuropsychological testing can prove extremely helpful to identify the specific challenges your child may be facing.  I encourage you to look into getting this completed, if you have not done so already.  You will want to first call the number on the back of your healthcare insurance card for mental health services.  The representatives will be able to refer you to psychologists in your insurance network who provide these types of services.

Once you get a comprehensive report, you’ll have a very clear idea of what, specifically, your child is dealing with.  You will also get counseling, school, and parenting recommendations and resources in any well written neuropsychological report.

Consider Coaching and/or Mentoring

You may want to enlist the help of professionals who are qualified to help you with whatever struggles you are facing.  In addition, it may be very helpful for you to connect with support groups in your area or on the internet so that you do not feel alone.  Finally, I highly recommend Brian King @ Spectrum Mentor.  He is a licensed clinical therapist, he has Aspergers, and he has children on the autism spectrum.  He can provide you with a lot of needed help.

This article provides the “Why” of your child’s meltdowns and outbursts.  In upcoming articles, I will explore parenting solutions and strategies from Dr. Greene’s book.  You may also enjoy reading his popular book for parents, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children.

I’d love to hear your challenges and triumphs in parenting.  Also, feel free to share any resources you’ve benefited from.

photo credit: clairity

Who Else Wants Parenting Stress Relief on the Autism Spectrum? is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

How many parents are pulling their hair out from all the incident reports they are getting regarding their kid’s behavior in school?

How many Aspergers kids dread going to school because they don’t know what they are going to do wrong next?

How many teachers are having nightmares about their next school day because they don’t know how to handle what their Aspie students may be serving up today in terms of their behavior?

Today I’m going to share some autism spectrum facts and strategies that will make things a lot easier for you as a parent, teacher, or as an Asperger’s student.

The Problem With Traditional Behavioral Interventions

As teachers and parents, we often approach children with Asperger’s with a purely behavioral approach.  In other words, if they do ‘x’, they will receive ‘y’ consequence.  The only problem is that children with Aspergers have average to above average IQ’s, and excellent verbal skills.  Their challenge is that they have gaps in connecting the dots of social expectations.

Unfortunately, we parents and teachers also assume that kids completely understand all the social rules and expectations of different situations.  Not so!

Young Traveler With His Map

The Solution: The Social Behavior Map

Cognitive behavior theory can be very helpful in teaching children with Asperger’s about  feelings, behavior, and consequences and how these things affect how others’ treat them.

Michelle Garcia Winner has developed a Social Behavior Map Template to help children, parents, and educators understand how this works:

Here’s an example of a social behavior map which you can download for free.  It takes up too much space to post on this article, but you’ll get a good idea of how it works.

Here are some of the core principles of Social Behavior Mapping, from Michelle Garcia Winner’s book, Thinking About You, Thinking About Me:

1. Different environmental contexts command different behavioral expectations.  In other words, people are not expected to act exactly the same way across the day.  There are different expectations during teacher talk time versus small group work time.
2. Context-specific behaviors are defined as expected (socially appropriate) or unexpected (socially inappropriate) through the eyes of the person who is interacting with the student.
3. Behaviors, whether they are expected or unexpected, affect the emotional state of those who are in close proximity.
4. Consequences occur not because of the behaviors themselves, but from the impact of these behaviors on others’ emotional states.
5. The emotional state of the student is affected by the consequences he or she experiences.

Use The Social Behavior Map To Teach Expectations and Social Understanding

The beauty of using the social behavior mapping template is that it helps you show the child with Asperger’s the connection between how s/he acts, with how s/he feels, and how others treat them in response.

Fill Out The Social Behavior Map For Different Social Situations

Instead of talking about what is appropriate or not appropriate, talk about what is expected or unexpected.

For example: Being With Mom all Summer, would be the context or situation:

It’s important that Mom have a conversation with her child about what expected behaviors include:

Expected Behaviors Might Include:

Nice (use friendly words, show interest in her, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’, give her a compliment; smile at her; look at her when talking to her; follow directions; do nice things around the house without being told).

How They Make Others Feel:

Good, Happy Proud, Thrilled!

Consequences You Experience:

She compliments you, she does something nice for you, she returns nice words, a nice tone of voice, a smile, back to you!

How You Feel About Yourself:

Good, Proud, Happy

Make Sure that you review, with your child, What Unexpected Behaviors Are, How They Make Others Feel, Consequences Your Child May Experience, and How Your Child Feels About Her/Himself When Choosing An Unexpected Behaviors

Unexpected Behaviors:

Not Nice:

Unfriendly words, doesn’t show interest in her, doesn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, makes rude remarks; flat facial expression (not smiling); not looking at her; not thinking about what chores she might like me to do.

How Unexpected Behaviors Make Mom Feel:

Bad, frustrated, angry, worried you won’t ever get along with others.

Consequences You Experience

She ‘nags’ you to use more skills, she yells, she leaves the house, no special treats

How You Feel About Yourself

Bad, Angry, Upset

Once the map is filled out, and you and your child have an understanding of expected and unexpected behaviors, you can then review the social behavior map to process and reinforce these concepts.  Over time, you child will start understanding the connection between how s/he acts, how others treat her/him, and how others feel and s/he feels based on the behaviors s/he chooses.

Here Are Related Resources from Michelle Garcia Winner:

Social Behavior Mapping: Connecting Behaviors, Emotions, and Cosequences Throughout The Day

Social Behavior Mapping (DVD)

Here’s A Special Aspergers Solution: Social Behavior Mapping is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

But I won’t kid you: it will take more than one evening to accept, practice, and internalize these social enhancement strategies.

Social Awkwardness Example: My Daughter and I

True confession. I’m not very ‘cool’, in my 10 year old daughter’s opinion.

I found out my level of ‘coolness’ when I took my daughter and her 10 year old best friend out for ice cream one day. She asked me to sit at a separate table so she and her friend would not be seen with me! (Well, I guess she and her friend were trying to be ‘cool’ as well

It’s not always that bad. But I have found out that there are certain things I can do to annoy my daughter even more, and jeopordize my relationship with her.

These ‘annoying behaviors’ include:

• silly rhymes I make about her name, which I sing over and over
• singing in general, especially when she first gets up in the morning
• and making jokes around her friends

I was oblivious to these behaviors at first. In fact, I kind of enjoyed them: I like to sing, rhyme, and make jokes.

But in time, I came to realize that I’d have to change those behaviors if I wanted to preserve my relationship with my daughter.

Decreasing Social Awkwardness: A Three Step Model For Change

So what in the world does this have to do with social awkwardness?

As you may be well aware, navigating the social world can be challenging for individuals with Aspergers.

Over time, children, teenagers, and adults on the autism spectrum come to accept the fact that they’re socially awkward.

And they get tired of other NT’s trying to make them ‘fit in.’

Or, they may not see the point of ‘playing the game’ of trying to fit in.

Sometimes, though, the difficulty with social awkwardness comes from a lack of knowing “How” to get along socially.

Michelle Garcia Winner has created a number of worksheets for teaching social thinking and related skills.

I’m going to share 3 steps to behavior change that can help you decrease social awkwardness in your life. Or, to prhase this differently, I’m going to share 3 ways increase your social abilities.

I’m going to share one specific social skill strategy I learned from Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Adult Asperger’s Syndrome: listening with punctuation in order to look people in the eyes at the right time.

Looking people in the eyes is a way to show them that you care what they are saying. It also helps you track what they are saying. It’s key to building and maintaining friendships.

In order to learn this skill, you can ask someone to read a paragraph from a book. With your eyes closed, listen to the paragraph being read, and imagine where the periods would go. Then, open your eyes, and practice looking your friend in the eye at the times when a period would be appropriate in the conversation. Practice it a few times with a trusted friend. You’ll be amazed to find that it works!

That’s the ‘expected behavior’ that NT’s look for in any social interaction.

You’re not used to this. Like driving a car or riding a bike for the first time, you’re going to feel foolish, nervous, and socially awkward.

So what is the 3 step change that you can learn tonight (or this morning–depends what part of the world you’re reading this from ?

SELF-AWARENESS

The first social skill you can practice is keeping track of this new behavior, called Looking People In the Eye. You may need a trusted friend to help keep track of this behavior for you. That’s great, at first. But, in order for you to develop social skill, you will have to ‘track’ your behavior for yourself. You’ll need to learn to take some extra time to think about looking people in the eye. In essence, you’re THINKING about yourself.

SELF-MONITORING

Self-Monitoring combines ‘Thinking’ and ‘Doing.’ When you self-monitor, you think about the unexpected behavior (looking down or away from people when they’re talking) you are doing. When you think about it clearly, and understand that it leads to social awkwardness, then you will want to control it. Each time you choose to catch yourself looking down/away, and change that behavior by learning to look the person in the eye at the appropriate times during a conversation, you are self-monitoring.

As an extra suggestion, you may want to choose a public place in a cafeteria, or even just watch a movie, to study how people look each other in the eye during the course of a conversation. Think about the punctuation method, imagine it, practice it with a friend, and then watch a movie again. As you do this over time, you’ll find that you’re developing this social skill.

SELF-CONTROL

At this point, you’ll notice that the new skill of looking people in the eye becomes more natural to you than at first. For example, when you drive a car after several years, you aren’t thinking that “I have to look in the rear view mirror, AND I need to check my side mirrors, AND I need to pay attention to all the signs around me, AND I need to make sure no one is backing out of their driveway.” In time, the skills you learned become second nature.

In Conclusion

Learning new skills and habits isn’t easy. I get lazy, and I sing and rhyme and joke with my daughter at the wrong times still. But I’m getting better! I don’t do it as much. I’m self-monitoring my own behaviors. I’m paying attention to all the times that I do annoy her. And my annoying behavior is reducing over time. That means a better relationship with my daughter. In fact, she may even let me walk her down the aisle someday!

If you’ll identify one social skill you want to work on, and decide it’s worth it to add that new behavior to your life, you’ll need to A) Develop Self Awareness; B) Self-Monitor, and C) Learn Self-Control.

I’m sorry, you’ll have learned a key to decreasing social awkwardness in one evening. But it will take more than one evening of practice to put this skill in place. Take courage, though! If there’s anything I’ve known Aspies to be, it’s tenacious. So as you apply your new skill/behavior with tenacity, you’ll find that your social ease will increase.

What are your thoughts? I’m looking forward to your input.

How To Decrease Social Awkwardness In One Evening is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

Then, over time, they may gather bits and peices of information that may fit together into a puzzle that finally makes sense.

photo credit: freewheelinbiker on Flickr

If, as an adult, you are wondering whether you have Asperger’s or another form of autism spectrum condition, I want to lay out a road map that may help guide you.

Screening: Do Some Preliminary Research

Read my article on some of the online autism quizzes and tests that you can take to see if you’re in the right ballpark.

Talk to Your Doctor

You may be seeing a doctor for other reasons, such as depression, or anxiety.  Or, you can just bring the subject up with your primary care physician.

Be very specific when making your appointment with your primary care physician.  Let her or him know that you have been reading about autism and Asperger’s syndrome, and that you think you may have this diagnosis.

If your primary care physician is not as familiar with the criteria for autism spectrum conditions, s/he may at least be able to refer you to a health professional who specializes in understanding and diagnosing autism spectrum conditions.

Here are some health professionals who may be involved:

Psychiatrist
Psychologist

Get Assessed

Know Your Autism Spectrum Facts

Describe the Triangle of Challenges

Other professionals have referred to Asperger’s syndrome as being characterized by a triad of impairments.  I like to look at it as a triad of challenge, versus as an impairment, because I believe words are powerful.

Because autism is a spectrum, these challenges can vary from person to person in terms of how frequent, severe, or intense they are.  I am listing these three areas below:

Social Communication

One of the key differences between autism and Aspergers is that individuals with Aspergers have always had normal speech.  In fact, many children with Aspegers are seen as ‘little professors’ because of their sophisticated vocabulary.

However, the social aspects of communication provide the biggest challenges:

• difficulty understanding gestures, body language, and facial expressions

• knowing what is socially appropriate and knowing what topics to talk about in a conversation

• dreading and avoiding social situations because communication is so difficult.

• may have few friends because they choose not to socialize very much

Social Understanding

Here are some questions to ask yourself about difficulties you may have had with social understanding:

• Have you had difficulty in group situations, such as going to a restaurant with a group of friends?

• Have yhou had a hard time with small talk at some social occasions or outings?

• Have you had problems understanding double meanings, for example not knowing when people are teasing you?

• Do you often take what people say very literally?

Think about specific examples of social situations that you find difficult.  Write them down so that you can present them as specific pieces of data for your healthcare professional.

Projecting Alternative Outcomes

Because of challenges with the first two areas: social communication and social understanding, it becomes difficult for a person on the autism spectrum to predict what will happen next in many situations.  It’s not like the neat rules of hard science or math, where A + B = C.  Rather, in the social world, there are endless nuances and possibilities, and this makes it hard to know how to act in any given situations.

As a result, many individuals with Aspergers syndrome have compensated by being planning meticulously with written or mental checklists as a way of surviving in the world.

Other Possible Autism Spectrum Characteristics

I’ve written about some co-morbid conditions that can accompany autism spectrum conditions.  These can include the following:

• the stress of navigating the social world, with its many confusing unwritten rules and nuances, can often lead to discouragement and depression
• Anxiety in the form of panic attacks, social phobia, and obsessive compulsive disorder can sometimes accompany autism spectrum conditions.

You may or may not have some of these co-morbid conditions.  Remember, you do not have to have all of the characteristics, but you may have some of them.  Going through a thorough assessment process with a seasoned and sensitive professional can bring a lot of clarity to life as you have been experiencing it.

After The Diagnosis

Your diagnosis is a good starting point for getting a better understanding of yourself and your strengths, as well as areas you may need to grow in.

Reach Out

In some cases, you may want to consider connecting with an understanding professional who can better assist you with navigating through your thoughts and feelings regarding your new diagnosis.

Autism Aspergers Support Groups

If you click on the heading above (autism support groups), you’ll find the article I put together to help you find support both on the internet and more locally.  Take some time to connect with others like you: you’ll feel less isolated and alone.  Remember that some people are more severely impacted than you, while others may be less impacted  than you.  Be open minded to the people you encounter.

Autism Aspergers Coaches

I have two autism/aspergers coaches I thought of immediately as I was writing this post, and I’m going to include links to their sites.

Patricia Robinson is a licensed marriage and family counselor in California who provides therapy and coaching to children and adults on the autism spectrum.  She writes a great blog called Thrive on the Autism Spectrum.

Brian R. King is a licensed clinical social worker.  His unique value lies in the fact that he himself has Asperger’s syndrome.  Not only is he skilled in understanding the skills of people helping, but he know what it’s like to be an individual on the autism spectrum.  You can find out more about him and his services at SpectrumMentor.Com

Read Autism Spectrum Books

You can start off by visiting my Autism Books section at this site.

I’ve also written another post called The Top 10 Autism Spectrum Books:  My Wish List .

Thanks for taking the time to read my road map for adult autism spectrum diagnosis.  I hope you found it helpful.  I look forward to your comments!

Get Rid of Adult (Aspergers) Uncertainty Once and For All is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions