“Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”

Joking aside, Asperger’s individuals of all ages yearn, just as any other person of the human race, for a close and meaningful relationship.

But dating poses all sorts of questions:

• How can I tell if she is interested in me?
• How can I read the subtle expressions that will tell me what he’s thinking and feeling?
• What about all the sensory issues that dating brings to the forefront?

I’ve researched some advice from wise individuals, most of whom are Aspies themselves.

Jack Robison and Kirsten Lindsmit were recently featured in the New York Times article, Navigating Love and Autism.  Jack and Kirsten were addressing a group of young people on the autism spectrum regarding dating.

On Being Alone

“Did you ever think you would be alone?” one teenager wanted to know.

Kirsten answered first. “I thought I was going to be alone forever,” she said. “Kids who picked on me said I was so ugly I’m going to die alone.”

This quotation speaks to the pain that’s compounded on top of just trying to navigate the social world.  Bullying can deeply challenge a person’s self-esteem.

But Kirsten encourages us through her resilient example.

On Thinking About How You Present Yourself To Others

Her (Kirsten’s) blunt tip on dating success: “A lot of it is how you dress. I found people don’t flirt with me if I wear big man pants and a rainbow sweatshirt.”

This quote highlights Michelle Garcia Winner’s social solutions for individuals on the autism spectrum: Once an individual with autism understands the concepts of social thinking, s/he will better understand social relating, awareness of self and others.

On Finding The Right One

Jack Robison, son of John Elder Robison, author of Look Me In The Eye, answered this question frankly:

Then it was Jack’s turn to answer, in classic Aspie style. “I think I sort of lucked out,” he said. “I have no doubt if I wasn’t dating Kirsten I would have a very hard time acquiring a girlfriend that was worthwhile.”

This brings up an interesting facet of Aspie dating.  In this case, there are both pros and cons to dating a fellow Aspie.

The pros are big: being in a relationship with someone who “gets it” about the challenges and gifts of the autism spectrum is important and validating.

On the other hand, when both of you struggle with ‘social blindness’ it can challenge the relationship.  For a vivid depiction of the struggles and victories of a married couple with Asperger’s, you may want to check out Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story.  It’s both a movie and a book.

Hope For Lasting Relationships

A mother who had slipped into the room (where Kirsten and Jack were addressing the young people) put up her hand.

“So I guess you’re saying, there is hope in the future for longer relationships,” the mother pressed.

Kirsten gazed around the room. A few other adults had crowded in.

“Parents always ask, ‘Who would like to marry my kid? They’re so weird,’ ” she said. “But, like, another weird person, that’s who.”

In my humble opinion, it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.  The world needs all individuals’ contributions to life: whether that person has a specialized Asperger’s brain or a generalized neurotypical brain.  As neurodiversity becomes more the norm, I believe we’ll see more acceptance of differences, and that will pave the way to more Aspie relationships.

Who To Look For

John Elder Robison, author of Look Me In The Eye, answers this question, posed to him by men with Asperger’s syndrome:

Sometimes people ask me, “What kind of person should a guy with Asperger’s look for?”

I can’t speak for you, but this is an answer that’s worked for me:

People with Asperger’s have very weak sensitivity to other people’s thoughts and feelings. But we often offset that with exceptionally strong logical brains. Therefore, we are wise to seek a mate with exceptional emotional sensitivity and less logical brainpower. Then, our mental abilities compliment each other’s. One of us has great emotional intelligence, and the other has great logical intelligence. Individually, we’re each weak. Together, though, we are very strong.

Here we can see that John most likely picked a person who was NT (neurotypical).

Go To Work On Yourself

Rudy Simone, author of 22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger’s Syndrome, and Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome, provides some straightforward advice:

Healthy relationships can be had, but not without strong self-knowledge, social strategies and sensory tools. We are high maintenance, but very loving, loyal and exciting if allowed to be ourselves. We must acknowledge the impact of AS on our behavior for love to work.

Every single one of us, whether Aspie or not, need to read and reflect on the importance of working on ourselves in order to be a better partner to whoever we end up settling down with.

On Developing Dating Skills

This is the one non-Aspie quote in this article.

Mark Hutten, Asperger’s coach and therapist, writes the following at his blog, Parenting Your Asperger’s Child:

This is similar to driving — once you get a beginning level of expertise, you will learn regardless of what your native aptitude for driving is. One distinction — in relationships, there’s hardly any public transportation. 

Do anything you can to facilitate getting started with dating or other romantic relationship socialization. This is the threshold to cross. 

Dating or building relationships is really a threshold issue for Aspies to the extent that they can be divided into two groups — those who date (or are otherwise involved) and those who don’t. This is stereotypically in the form of “dating” but the actual form of meeting and activity can be varied.

What Asperger’s dating tips and quotes would you like to share with us?

Little Known Asperger’s Dating Quotes is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I’ve compiled 7 great quotations from some of my online friends with Aspergers.

You may wonder why I am using Aspergers and autism spectrum interchangeably.  For better or worse, it appears that the term Aspergers will be ‘folded into’ the broader term, ‘autism spectrum.’  So that’s why, I am using both terms together.

Without further ado, here are the quotations.

The Dignity of (Aspie) Personhood

Brian King, licensed clinical social work and coach, himself diagnosed with Asperger’s, has provided one of the most profound illustrations of Asperger’s I think I’ve ever read.

The quote below illustrates the beauty of neurodiversity.

He wrote an article called, Why the Universe Created Asperger’s.  He speaks about autism spectrum conditions as “Specialized Brains” and ‘neurotypical’ brains as “Generalized Brains.”  Here’s my favorite part of the article:

  Philosophically speaking the sudden rise in Autism/Asperger’s could be a universal response to human developmental stagnation. Either that, or we’ve just broadened our understanding of the nature of the Specialized/Autistic brain. Whatever the reason, I contend that Autism and Neurotypical are two sides of the same coin, Heads and Tails, Night and Day, complimentary forces that work together, grow together, make each other better and are necessary for each other’s existence.

    In order to insure the continued growth and prosperity of both populations our society requires a major shift in the mindset that the Autistic is a Neurotypical waiting to happen. My gift of specialized thinking aided through the lens of the Yin Yang concept leads me to conclude that God made us both and wants us both and it is our tendencies toward egocentricity that throw water on the fire our creator has provided.

Aspergers Strengths

In her book, Asperger’s on the Job, Rudy Simone shares some helpful quotations regarding the unique talents of individuals on the autism spectrum:

“People with AS (Asperger’s Syndrome) possess a diligent, perfectionist attention to detail; these two factors will ensure that as long as your AS employee knows what you want or need, you can trust them to do the job right.”

“The Aspergian ability to focus on tasks for a long period of time without supervision or incentive is legendary.

“…those with Asperger’s possess some extremely useful, important, creative, and marketable skills that employers are missing out on.”

Relating To The Social World

John Elder Robison, author of Be Different: The Adventures of a Free-Range Aspergian, shares this helpful tip:

“Simply making myself aware of others has remarkably improved my social life. People accept me much faster now that I ignore them less.”

How To Speak So An NT Will Listen

Again, Rudy Simone, author of Asperger’s on the Job, offers some helpful advice:

“If you shoot your words like an arrow (directness) at their recipient, that person will likely recoil from them. If you gift wrap your words (tact), the recipient will be more likely to want to accept your package (the point you want to make) and take it in.”

Aspergers and Self-Esteem

Liane Holliday Willey, author of Pretending To Be Normal: Living With Asperger’s Sydnrome, has this to say:

“Too often those with AS get lost in a world of discouragement and damaged self-esteem, and in that world there are few avenues for happiness. I try, at every opportunity I am given, to show both my daughter and myself that so long as we are soundly willing, we can find a way to create good things for ourselves – no matter what.”

Cultivate Your Talents and Interests

Travis Meeks, a successful Asperger’s musician, said this:

” My art is my mentor and through my stories of trials and tribulations, it has taught me to stay  grounded in what I believe in. I want to give back to the world my experiences, and influences from what I’ve learned.”

Be Willing To Work (Hard) On Your Weaknesses

Here’s a quote from an interview between Alex Plank of Wrong Planet, and Heather Kuzmich, an Asperger’s woman who appeared on America’s Next Top Model.

Alex: What do you recommend for young people with Asperger’s Syndrome who want to overcome the social problems that come along with this condition? Do you have any advice for them?

Heather: Umm… Yeah. Make sure that you keep don’t keep a losing mentality. It’s very easy for those with Asperger’s to be… or see something and be really like stuck on it. Either it’s going to go good or go bad. and be really stuck on it. and just not think that you know, its going to be positive no matter what. Another thing is it really does help to practice your speech in front of a mirror and to you know. It also helps to really force yourself to put yourself in social situations. Because shunning away… I mean, I know it’s hard to get into social situations but shunning is just not going to help. It’s better to just bite the bullet and go through it than not doing it at all and not changing.

I hope you enjoyed these great autism spectrum quotes.  Do you know of other ones I didn’t think of that you would like to share?

Give Me 7 Minutes, and I’ll Give You 7 Great Autism Spectrum Quotes is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I met Patricia Robinson about three years ago.  Online, of course, since she lives and works in California, and I’m in Chicago.

I’ve learned a lot about Asperger’s syndrome from her blog, and I thought I would share one of her articles with you.

Tips For Women With Aspergers: The Social Side of Work is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

I’m grateful to the high caliber professionals in one of my LinkedIn groups for their recommendations and resources to help people with Asperger’s prepare for college.

In my post next week, I’m going to mention specific colleges that seem to do a good job understanding and supporting students on the autism spectrum.

But this week, I thought I would share some programs that prepare students for the transition from high school to college.  Unfortunately, most of these pre-college programs are in the United States.

If you are reading this from Australia, the UK, or any other part of the world, I welcome your input of other pre-college preparatory programs for individuals on the autism spectrum in your country.

Aspergers (Pre) College Recommendations

Do Your Research

Think College was suggested as a place to begin.  My only reservation is their tagline, College Options for People with Intellectual Disabilities.  I don’t consider Asperger’s an intellectual disability.  However, if you can get past that line, realize that colleges accommodating intellectual disabilities will most likely also be educated about and supportive of students with Aspergers.

Read Some Books

I’m listing the following reading directly from members in my LinkedIn group, along with their feedback:

 Thierfeld Brown, Wolf, King and Bork have a new book out called The Parent’s Guide to College for Students on the Autism Spectrum.  They do not list specific colleges but do have a great chapter titled How to Find the Right College with an extensive form for rating various colleges.

The K&W Guide to Colleges for Students with Learning Disabilities and ADHD is a summary of 300 colleges and their disability programs, which does include programs for students on the Autism Spectrum, though it is not in the title.

Students with Asperger Syndrome: A Guide for College Personnel, by Drs. Lorraine Wolf ( at Boston University) and Jane Thierfeld Brown (at Univ. of Connecticut Law School), though not about specific colleges, give guidelines you can use to judge the appropriateness of a school, the skills a student with Asperger’s needs to succeed, and specific strategies for school personnel to use. I intend to give it to the staff of the school my daughter attends (she’s a junior this year.)

Comprehensive Transition and Post-Secondary Program (CTP)

You may want to consider a Comprehensive Transition and Post-secondary (CTP) program, which seems to be a program that runs alongside regular college life at different colleges.

Here’s an explanation from the U.S. Department of Education

The Model Comprehensive Transition and Postsecondary Programs for Students with Intellectual Disabilities (TPSID) provides grants to institutions of higher education or consortia of institutions of higher education to enable them to create or expand high quality, inclusive model comprehensive transition and postsecondary programs for students with intellectual disabilities.

Here is a list of colleges  that have CTPs approved by the U.S. Department of Education.

“Stepping Stone” Programs To College for People With Aspergers

Here are a couple interesting programs to prepare individuals on the autism spectrum for college.

College Internship Program

The College Internship Program looks similar to the Comprehensive Transition and Post-Secondary program as listed above.  This is a program that prepares students for college life.  The average length of the program is a minimum of 1 year and no longer than 2 years.

You’ll want to go to their website to get more information.  Here’s a link to some of their frequently asked questions.

Locations for the program include Amherst, New York; Long Beach, California; Berkeley, California; Lee, Massachusetts; Melbourne, Florida; and Bloomington, Indiana.

College Living Experience

Here’s a quote directly from their site:

College Living Experience (CLE) is a post-secondary program for students who require additional support with academic, social and independent living skills. CLE provides intensive assistance to students with varying abilities. Students with autism, Asperger’s, learning disabilities, developmental delays and a host of other special needs receive the support they need to pursue post-secondary education and become independent adults.

And here’s a quote from a parent in my LinkedIn group:

I have a 18yo son at CLE in Monterey. It is actually a year-round program that supports students who are going to a local college or vocational training program. At our CLE, the students live in their own apartments with roommates, cook meals for themselves, and take the bus to school. Most of them take kind of a light class load, because they have a lot of CLE sessions to attend too. But I do see it as a real college program. Here in California, it is vendored to the Regional Center system, so since our son is a client of the regional center, we don’t have to pay for it. We do pay his rent and tuition/books. I also highly recommend it.

Thanks for reading!  This is a living document.  I’ll edit this post and add as many quality programs as you suggest to me.  If you know of quality, affordable preparation programs for students with Aspergers in your particular area, please let me know so I can add it to this list.

Who Else Wants These Aspergers (Pre) College Recommendations? is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”

— M. Scott Peck

I remember attending a counseling skills training seminar.

We worked on some role play of effective listening skills.  I found that when I felt the person ‘counseling’ me truly listened, I really felt cared for.

And it reminded me of how important it is for me to listen carefully to my friends, co-workers, bosses, and loved ones.

Yet how many times have we been accused, “You’re not listening to me!”

Children, teens, and adults on the autism spectrum may often encounter this.

Listening is easier said than done.

I’m going to share a quick social skill called Listening Position with you.  It’s taken from Jed E. Baker’s book, Social Skills Training for Children and Adolescents with Asperger Syndrome.

Here are the 4 Steps of Effective Listening Position

1.  Make eye contact.

You may want to read why it’s essential to think with your eyes.

2.  Stay still.

It’s important to explain to children (and to remind ourselves) that we listen with our bodies as well as with our eyes.  In other words, we face the person who is speaking to us with our whole body.  We need to quiet our hands and feet.

3.  Don’t interrupt.  Do not talk while others are talking.

This point is very important.  A lot of kids (and adults) on the autism spectrum may ask “Why” this is so important.  It’s because if we only talk about what’s interesting to us, the person talking will feel upset and angry.  Being quiet and listening to what the other person is saying shows that you care about him/her.  Otherwise, you will be considered rude.  And, if you’re in class, you might even get in trouble.

4.  If you are in class and you want to say something, raise your hand and wait to be called on.

Here are some suggested activities for practicing the listening position.

a) As a parent or teacher, model the correct way and the wrong way to listen.

Don’t tell the student which is right and which is wrong.  Ask the student to tell you what you did right or wrong.

Here are some suggested role-play activities:

• Listening to a story time or lesson in class
• Listening to a parent give instructions
• Listening to another student during ‘show and tell’
• Raising your hand to ask a question about a lesson or to ask permission to go to the bathroom during class time

b) Now reverse roles:

have the child role play listening position in the above scenarios.  (Or, you can make up some other scenarios).

Give the child feedback on correct or incorrect listening positions.

c) Design some fun rewards for appropriate listening position going forward.

• Give generous praise whenever you notice your child or student demonstrating the appropriate listening position.
• Create a listening jar.  Give your child/student a penny every time s/he demonstrates appropriate listening position.  Once the jar is full, you can give the child a special reward (e.g., snack, stickers, and privileges to play a special game or watch a special show.

Encourage Your Child To Practice In Other Situations

At the beginning of the day, ask your child:

Who will you try this listening position with?

When will you practice your listening position today?

At the end of the day, ask your child:

What happened?

How did you do?

I hope you found this brief social skills training exercise helpful for your Aspergers child or student.  Please share it with a friend!

Here’s A Quick Social Skill For Children On The Autism Spectrum is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

The world becomes a better place when we can understand and honor each other’s unique personalities, strengths, and differences.

I’ve been reflecting on lessons I’ve learned from some wonderful individuals on the autism spectrum.

These individuals have been adults with Aspergers.

I learned a lot from them because they’ve had time to live their lives, reflect on those experiences, and share those experiences by way of podcasts, blogs, and books.

Directly and indirectly,  they have blessed me in many ways. And along the way, they’ve helped me increase my Autism Spectrum IQ. They’ve shown me how to better understand individuals on the spectrum.

My autism intelligence quotient is only just developing:

I have a long way to go, but they helped me become a respectable student.

Here are some lessons I’ve learned from my Aspergers clients, commentors, and friends, both online and off.

An Individual Is More Than Their Label

And individual in an autism forum wrote, “I’m more than my autism.”

I agree!

While it’s very helpful to understand conditions that we deal with, our conditions don’t define who we are. Yet sometimes we can attribute almost everything to Aspergers in an individual we know.

As a therapist, I’ve learned from many Aspergers individuals that they’ve felt misunderstood by many professionals who’ve worked with them. These professionals assume they know everything there is to know about that individual.

We professionals need to be humble and have the attitude of a student. Just as an individual with Aspergers struggles to understand a neurotypical world, we must not assume that we know everything about the autism spectrum world. We need to be willing to learn.

Don’t Take an Aspie’s Stress Too Personally

There’s a psychology experiment I heard about. Scientists administered random electric shocks to mice in a cage.

Guess what?

Those mice became increasingly stressed out!  And eventually they gave up jumping off the floor to avoid the shock. They had given up trying.

In the same way, social interactions with NT’s can be so stressful, coupled with sounds/noises/textures/smells that can aggravate communication attempts even further.

Yes, many individuals with Aspergers learn to navigate the social world, but it can be very stressful.
And all of us, under stress, sometimes lash out.

So if you live with a daughter, son, partner, or parent with Asperger’s, this may help you understand where their stress comes from.

Individuals With Aspergers Do Experience Empathy

First of all, individuals with Aspergers are human beings.
Second, they experience all the emotions we do.
Third, they sometimes overly experience everyone else’s emotions!

Earlier this year I read an article (please help me, I can’t remember where it was) that disputed the notion that Aspies don’t have empathy.

On the contrary, this writer argued, Aspies are often  so tuned in to others’ emotions many times that it’s overhwelming. And because it’s overwhelming, they shut down.

Please do share your own personal experiences with me. This may or may not be incorrect.

All I know is that, over time, Aspies can and do learn more and more empathy and success in relating to others as they learn NT mannerisms and culture.   It does take work, like learning a new language, but it can be done.

I remember reading John Elder Robison’s blog. He had been undergoing some neurofeedback or some other type of treatment as part of his extensive autism advocacy work. He reported that, as he learned more and more about himself and the autism spectrum, he developed an increasing capacity for feeling and empathy.

Don’t Be Afraid To Be Different

This is a lesson for Aspies and NT’s alike.

And it’s the title of John Elder Robison’s book, Be Different: Adventures of a Free Range Aspergian.

Aspies are many times blessed with creativity and strong individuality. They see the world on their terms. They are logical. They care little for the social niceties and mannerisms of NT’s (this is part of the NT language they have to learn).

But what I’ve learned is, it’s so important to understand who I am and live that out.

Even if others don’t like it.

Even if it goes against some of the ‘scripts’ I was brought up with.

You know: a boy is supposed to play sports. Or your parents may have thought you were supposed to go into business instead of art. I hope you understand the gist of what I’m getting at.

There are so many Aspies who have forged their own paths and have made the world a better place as they have done so.

A friend of mine once wrote (I’m paraphrasing): Don’t rob the world of one of it’s greatest gifts: You!

If you are a parent, friend, or professional working with individuals on the spectrum, I hope you will given each person this same message.

And I hope you will take this message to heart for yourself as well!

In Conclusion

So, I’ve learned the following autism spectrum facts from my adult friends with Aspergers:

• Don’t label and stereotype me; I’m first and foremost a person.  Aspergers is part of who I am, but not all of who I am.
• I care about human relationships more than you know.  I may not seem empathetic, but I sense and feel a lot.  I just need help to know how to express it in ways that NT’s can understand.
• I get stressed out as an Aspie living in an NT world.  It’s as if I dropped you off in a country without a language guide: you’d be stressed too, wouldn’t you?!  And when I get stressed, I can be irritable, anxious, and even depressed.   I hope you will understand me and treat me with compassion.
• Be Different.  You don’t always have to go along with the status quo.  Take time to know your own personal strengths, weaknesses, passions, and interests.  Live out who your best possible self, because the world needs you!

How Adults With Aspergers Have Increased My Autism Spectrum IQ is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

Education is the best provision for old age.

Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC), from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers

Aristotle’s got a point.

The question becomes,  ”Is college the best option for an individual with Asperger’s?”

We could ask the same question for any individual going to college.

College is helpful for many, but not all.   There are many individuals who have great careers without a college degree. In fact, here’s a list of 100 entrepreneurs who did not go to college!

On the other hand, statistics show that, generally, those with a college degree are paid at a higher salary than those without.

Here are some of my thoughts about Aspergers and College.

Pay Attention to Your Child’s Strengths and Weaknesses

Has your child ever had full neuropsychological testing conducted by someone who knows what Aspergers is?

Neuropsychological tests are helpful in that they measure both cognitive and emotional functioning. These tests can diagnose Attention Deficit Disorder, or a learning disability, or a psychological issue.

It’s so important to uncover these factors before a child gets to college, rather than after. Many times, as a counselor, I’ve met with college kids who are devastated at their performance deficits. They fail, their parents become concerns, and it becomes evident that they had learning conditions all along that were never diagnosed at an earlier age. So these individuals struggled through school, but when they get to college they start sinking.

Know Your Child’s IEP (Individualized Education Plan)

All the reports and testing from school become the data with which to assess areas of both strength and weakness going forward.
Also, a child is entitled to state funded services through the age of 21 in the United States through an IEP.
Often, if neither college nor technical school are viable options for an individual with Aspergers, the IEP team will meet to work on a transition plan to help a young adult identify the best vocational goals and resources available given the young person’s skill level.

Make sure that you share your child’s IEP with him.  He should understand his educational goals, as well as his progress toward meeting those goals.

Start Early

Assess, with your child, whether a college setting or technical school setting will be more helpful to your child’s career goals.

And realize that, sometimes, neither college nor technical school may be the best option. Autism is a spectrum for a reason. Each individual may have more or less talents and abilities. Therefore, it’s important to develop a career plan that stretches each individual within her realm of capabilities, and not unrealistically beyond them.

The best time to get to know colleges and career choices is early on in your child’s academic life.

Starting in high school, it may be helpful for you and your Asperger’s teenager to get to know the social services team at the school informally.

Pick their brains about choosing colleges that are helpful for individuals with special needs.

Listen To Your Child

Sometimes, as parents, it’s hard to separate our hopes and dreams from our child’s. We think we know what’s best for him, but we also need to be sensitive that he may know best what he wants.

Listen carefully to your child. What careers and interests does she have? What are her hopes and dreams? What are her strengths and talents?

Be willing to let her struggle through her own decisions and walk her own path. Don’t be afraid, as a parent, to seek your own professional counseling and support if the letting go process seems overwhelming.

Take Advantage of Career Planning Services

If you are an adult, enroll in just a couple of community college courses, to get your feet wet.

Then, make sure you get to know your career services center! Is there a course on career planning your can take through the center? Can you meet with a counselor for vocational counseling?

These great services are part of your benefit as a resident who is taking classes at a community college. Take advantage of them!

I personally took a couple of community college courses as prerequisites for my graduate program for counseling psychology. I was still somewhat unsure that I wanted to become a counselor, so I stopped by the career services center. For a very low fee, I was able to take a series of career tests that identified what I valued in work, the types of work I was interested in, and a series of other variables that showed me I was heading in the right direction with my choice of counseling psychology.

Aspergers and College: Some Questions To Consider

• How much does the support staff at the college know about Asperger’s and other conditions?
• What kind of academic support services exist at the college?
• Is there a counseling department at the college? Does it offer peer counseling services to help students get and stay connected at school?
• Consider how far away the college is. Depending on the individual, proximity to home may or may not be important.
• What kind of living arrangements will be best for your child?

I remember watching Alex Plank, founder of Wrong Planet, talking about how he moved into a freshman co-ed dorm.

He’s sensitive to noise, as are many on the autism spectrum. So you can imagine the difficulty he had trying to study!

Eventually he got his own room, or I think he may have moved in with some graduate students who were more focused on studying than partying. (I can’t remember the exact details, but it was something like that).

In other words, consider your child’s tolerance for noise and other sensory stimuli when choosing the type of living arrangements.

photo credit: zappowbang

What Everybody Ought To Know About Aspergers and College is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

Thanks to the scientific method, autism spectrum research continues to uncover greater insights about autism, as well as solutions for individuals and families on the autism spectrum.

Why Should We Care About Autism Spectrum Research?

Here are few reasons I thought of:

a) if you yourself are diagnosed with an autism spectrum condition, you’ll greatly benefit from learning all about it.

John Elder Robison, author of Look Me In the Eye, talked about the big difference that self-taught learning about Asperger’s made in his own personal growth and development.  The more you learn, the more you can understand about how to relate to yourself and the world around you in a positive way.

b) if you are a parent to a child on the autism spectrum, you’ll be a great parent if you take the time to become a scholar in the area of autism spectrum conditions.  The more you learn, the better you will be able to empathize with your child.

c) if you are a spouse or partner of someone on the autism spectrum, see b) above

d) if you are a teacher, speech/language pathologist, occupational therapist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor, you have a responsibility to provide competent care based in effective, evidenced-based research.  Staying current on research findings will help you provide competent care.

I recently asked some top notch professionals on LinkedIn for their input to help me compile a list of some of the best autism spectrum research sites.  Thank you to Gregory Lyons, who provided the following suggestions.

For the sake of brevity, I’m going to break this list into a few posts, given the long number of suggestions I received.  These are the suggestions in the order I received them.

Autism Internet Modules

I wrote about this site at length in a recent Psychology Today blog post at Spectrum Solutions.

You can sign up for free at this site to gain access to some great research modules in 37 different domain areas pertaining to autism.

The National Professional Development Center on Autism Spectrum Disorders

This Center brings together scientists from the FPG Development Institute, Univeristy of North Carolina at Chaple Hill; the M.I.N.D. Institute, University of Calfiornia at Davis, and the Waisman Center, University of Wisconsin at Madison.

The Center’s mission reads as follows:

“a multi-university center to promote the use of evidence-based practice for children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorders”

They focus on four content areas:

Content Development, which involves translating information about evidence-based practices for students with autism spectrum disorders into resources for service providers.

Professional Development: The center accomplishes this by providing training to state professionals.   They translate information about evidence based practices into resources for service providers and establish training cites that model evidence-based practices in participating states.

Technical Assistance: They provide technical assistance to participating states and sites through ongoing training, and by establishing a network of professional development sites, trainess, and professional consultannts.

Evaluation includes collecting follow-up date on the use of evidence-based practices, practitioner skills, and child and family outcomes.

One of my favorite sections of this site is the Presentations and Videos section.  I advise you to stop by and read/view those presentations and videos to stay current on research findings.

The Autism Science Foundation

Here is a quote regarding this organization’s mission with regard to autism research:

The Autism Science Foundation’s mission is to support autism research by providing funding and other assistance to scientists and organizations conducting, facilitating, publicizing and disseminating autism research. The organization also provides information about autism to the general public and serves to increase awareness of autism spectrum disorders and the needs of individuals and families affected by autism.

Our organization adheres to rigorous scientific standards and values. We believe that outstanding research is the greatest gift we can offer our families. Every research dollar counts.

After reviewing this site, I came up with a few pages I’d like to recommend to you.

Quick Facts About Autism This is a quick overview about signs/symptoms of the autism spectrum.

Research Studies by Year   Here you can find a summary of all the research studies undertaken by year.

Interviews With Scientists   What better way to stay current with autism research trends?!

Their Newsletter   This is a way you can stay connected with the autism research foundation’s current research studies and events.

I enjoyed reading how they decide what to research within the autism spectrum.  Their decisions about what studies to do are  guided by their strategic plan, summarized as, “to accelerate and inspire research that will profoundly improve the health and well being of every person on the autism spectrum across the lifespan.”

You can read the complete plan here

So, that was 5 minutes, right?  I hope you’ll take much more than five minutes to read and bookmark the above sites, so that you can continue to deepen your understanding about autism spectrum facts and solutions based on research.

photo credit: Idaho National Laboratory

 Do you have any suggestions of great research sites you’d like me to include?

Give Me 5 Minutes, And I’ll Give You 3 Top Autism Spectrum Research Sites is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

As parents, it is essential, in parenting children with Aspergers, to understand our children’s temperament, conditions, and general “hard-wiring.” This article will go a very long way to help you do just that! I hope you will enjoy this article as much as I did!

Here is a most recent authorized version of Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew, written by award-winning author and parent, Ellen Notbohm.

This article defines the top ten characteristics of living with autism from the viewpoint of a child.

photo credit: Zaggy J. on Flickr Creative Commons

Some days it seems the only predictable thing about it is the unpredictability. The only consistent attribute — the inconsistency. There is little argument on any level but that autism is baffling, even to those who spend their lives around it. The child who lives with autism may look “normal” but his behavior can be perplexing and downright difficult.

Autism was once thought an “incurable” disorder, but that notion is crumbling in the face knowledge and understanding that is increasing even as you read this. Every day, individuals with autism are showing us that they can overcome, compensate for and otherwise manage many of autism’s most challenging characteristics. Equipping those around our children with simple understanding of autism’s most basic elements has a tremendous impact on their ability to journey towards productive, independent adulthood.

Autism is an extremely complex disorder but for purposes of this one article, we can distill its myriad characteristics into four fundamental areas: sensory processing challenges, speech/language delays and impairments, the elusive social interaction skills and whole child/self-esteem issues. And though these four elements may be common to many children, keep front-of-mind the fact that autism is a spectrum disorder: no two (or ten or twenty) children with autism will be completely alike. Every child will be at a different point on the spectrum. And, just as importantly – every parent, teacher and caregiver will be at a different point on the spectrum. Child or adult, each will have a unique set of needs.

Here are ten things every child with autism wishes you knew:

1. I am first and foremost a child. I have autism. I am not primarily “autistic.” My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.

As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be: Why try?

2. My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:

My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!

My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.

Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing — the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with “tunnel vision”), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3. Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to).
Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: “Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It’s time to go to lunch.” This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4. I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.” Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.” When you say “It’s pouring cats and dogs,” I see pets coming out of a pitcher. Please just tell me “It’s raining very hard.”

Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

5. Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.

Or, there’s a flip side to this: I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called “echolalia.” I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

6. Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.

A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. Here’s a great website for learning more about visual schedules: www.cesa7.k12.wi.us/sped/autism/structure/str11.htm.

I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation” may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7. Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.” Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8. Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.

I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response. Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

9. Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.

Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment.

Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10. If you are a family member, please love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..” You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you – I am worth it.

And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

They had autism too.

P.S.  If you’d like to purchase the book that this article is based on, here it is:

10 Things Your Child With Autism Wants You To Know is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions

This article won’t get rid of Aspergers homework problems once and for all.

However, if you apply the parenting homework strategies I’ve outlined in this post, there’s a great chance that your child’s homework problems will become less frequent over time.

Sure, you can love your child when he or she has just brought home a report card with straight “A’s.” It’s a lot harder, though, to show the same love when teachers call you from school to tell you that your child hasn’t handed in any homework since the beginning of the term.
(The Lions Clubs International and the Quest Nation. The Surprising Years, II, ch.3 (1985).)

Aspergers+School+Homework+Kids= …

Sometimes the above ingredients combine beautifully.

But other times, aspergers, school, homework, and kids can be a recipe for disaster!

Don’t get me wrong: many Aspie kids are superstars when it comes to school and homework. And many NT kids have World War III with their parents when it comes to getting homework done.

However, this blog is for kids with Aspergers and their parents.

I hope to share some strategies for parents who want to help their children cope with the Homework Monster.

Homework Strategy for Parents: Open Your Eyes

We live frenetic lives. We’re off to work, off to the next meeting, always pressed for time.

So, when we get that call from school, or the report card in the mail, it’s just another problem in our life.

Let me encourage you to take a deep breath, and take time to examine the big picture.

I once saw a great illustration for kids and their school problems.

Have you ever seen an iceberg?

I don’t know the percentage, but only about 20% of the iceberg is visible from outside of the water. You would have to be a deep sea diver to be able to see that 80% of that massive block of ice lies beneat the surface!

So, in your case, your child’s academic struggles are the tip of the iceberg.

And underneath the surface may lie a lot of other hidden issues.

Here are just a few of the hidden issues that could be lurking:

• depression and anxiety related to social thinking challenges
• a learning disability
• difficulty understanding what a teacher or teachers is/are expecting
• difficulty knowing how to plan projects
• difficulty knowing how to organize all the paperwork from school
• family stress at home

I know: the last thing you want is a lot of other challenges. You want it fixed. Now!

But the best thing you can do is take the time to patiently back up and understand the big picture. You may want to take time to speak directly to your son or daughter. Write down that list I provided. Ask your son or daughter if any of those causes may be contributing.

Be calm. Be non-defensive. You may be surprised at some of the answers your child tells you.

Homework Strategy For Parents: We Must Watch Our Emotions

As I said above, our tendency is to React, rather than Respond. There’s so much wrapped up in our kids’ academic performance. But we can often jump to catastrophic conclusions, leaping way ahead into the future and predicting Doom and Disaster.

Ask yourself, “Will I make things better or worse by getting angry, anxious, and upset? Will I make things better or worse by lecturing or yelling at my child?”

Believe me. I’m human. I’m a parent. I’ve “lost it” many times with my own kids. But things are definitely better when I work on talking myself down from an emotional outburst, breathe deeply, talk to a friend or my spouse, and then deal with the Problem as calmly as possible. Solutions come a lot more quickly when I am Calm.

Homework Strategy For Parents: Take Appropriate Action—Continuously

You could be a Dictator, ground your child for a year, and sit in self imposed detention with him until he finishes all his homework.

Or you could be your child’s Best Friend, and not require her to do anything. After all, she has Aspergers, and she can’t deal with all the difficulties going on in her life.

I’m describing myself at different times in my own parenting life. But the best stance is the Authoritative stance. We expect our children to work to the best of their abilities, and we expect them to learn from their mistakes.

This will take a Decision on our parts as parents. We must decide that it’s worth Short Term Pain of enforcing rules, talking to teachers, learning how to navigate Homework War territory until things get better. We must Decide that we will have the Vision, Character, and Perseverance to stand by our children while they learn to struggle through their difficulties and come out victorious in the end.

Homework Strategy For Parents: Partner With The School

Get To Know Your Child’s IEP

Your child’s individualized education plan is a set of specific goals targeting different academic areas your child may be struggling with.

More specifically, according to About.Com:

The Individual Education Program Plan (IEP) is a written plan/program developed by the schools special education team with input from the parents and specifies the students academic goals and the method to obtain these goals. 

Unfortunately, over the course of a school year, parents and staff get overwhelmed. Make sure you stay on top of the IEP goals. The school staff is responsible to provide the supports and to ensure that your child is making progress toward those goals.

Set Up A Parent Teacher Meeting

Actually, it’s a good idea to get to know the school staff involved with your child at the beginning of the school year. But take time to work together with the school social worker, school counselor, and teachers. Work with them, not against them. You both have the same goal: to see your child succeed!

a) Check with teachers to make sure that your child is accurately recording the homework for each class.

Since your child may be a visual learner, talk to the teachers about possibly writing the homework on the board, or even providing a typed copy of what the assignments are.

b) You may want to consider seeing if there is another kid in the class who won’t mind being a study buddy for your child.

Maybe there is another child struggling with remembering to write things down. Study buddies can help each other pack their backpacks and make sure their assignment books are filled out correctly.

c) Create a “completed work” folder.

Each day, before your child goes to school, sign off on each assignment completed and packed in the backpack.

Homework Strategy For Parents: Routines, Pacing, and Environment

a) Allow Some Wind-Down Time

School can be a confusing place filled with sensory overload during the day.  Give your child time to relax and do his own thing after a day of maxing out his resources.  But after a certain amount of down time, it will be time to start on homework.

b) Design A Specific Place

It may be a desk in her own room.  Or it may be the dining room table.  Make sure all the Screens are off: TV, Video Games, and any other distractions.  Remain nearby so that you can offer help if needed.

c) Build In Some Rest Breaks In Between Stretches of Work

You may want to consider the E.ggtimer Pomodoro online clock.  It sets the timer for 25 minutes, then beeps loudly after 25 minutes and allows for a 5 minute break.  This set period of time may help your Aspergers child focus more effectively.

Homework Strategy For Parents: Parenting Homework Resources

GoalForIt

GoalForIt  is a free online behaviorally based chart that will encourage your child 11 years of age or younger design his own goals and rewards. I can’t go into detail here, but I’ve found it helpful for parents I’ve worked with, and kids respond very well to the positive approach.

If your child is more of a teenager, discuss positive rewards to work toward rather than using a strict behavioral chart. We all need positive rewards to work for, whether it’s homework or our own personal goals such as completing a half marathon or losing a certain amount of weight.

H2O Planner

The H2O Planner is not just an ordinary planner you will buy at your local stationery store. A veteran school psychologist put together a planner that will teach your child how to plan and organize time, tasks, and projects.

Here’s a brief description:

As an acclaimed organizational planner, the H2O / Homework Organizer is the only assignment notebook that provides an organizational system to “step” students through the homework process to completion. Expertly designed by a veteran school psychologist, the H2O / Homework Organizer is engineered for success!

Books and Articles for Your Own Reading Pleasure

How To Do Homework Without Throwing Up (Laugh and Learn), by Trevor Romain.  ( A humorous and effective way for your child to learn about homework strategies)

Same Homework, New Plan: How to Help Your Kid Sit Down and Get it Done, by Sally G. Hoyle

Here’s a series of articles under the category, Homework and Test Help, from ADDitude Magazine online.

Little Known Ways to Conquer Homework (an article I wrote for my Psychology Today Blog)

In conclusion:

1. Look at the big picture.  There may be a lot of possible causes for your child’s homework difficulties.
2. Stay Calm.  Respond versus reacting, yelling, lecturing, punishing.
3. Reach Out.  Reach out to your child, to the school personnel, and to a trusted professional if needed.
4. Commit to Take Action.  Ignoring problems won’t make them go away.
5. Partner with the School.
6. Set Up Home Rules, Routines, Environment, and Pacing for Homework Success
7. Utilize the Parent Resources I’ve shared with you.

Please let me know if and how this article has been helpful to you, as well as other strategies you’ve found helpful!

Get Rid of Aspergers School Homework Problems Once and For All is a post from: Prosper with Aspergers: Autism Spectrum Facts and Solutions