This post is dedicated to all the medical personnel who are putting their well-being and lives on the line for all of us. Specifically, this is for the three residents in the photo below who work at a hospital in the South Bronx. The young woman on the right, Sarah Frances McClure, D.O. is the daughter of my colleague. If you look closely, you can see that each has a superhero Pez dispenser. She said those are becoming ‘personal mascots’ in the break room. If every anyone needed a magic Pez dispenser, it’s frontline health workers.

Many of us haven’t fully appreciated the job of health care workers-until perhaps now. If you think about it, would you go in day after exhausting day, and put your physical health, your life in peril during an 18 hour shift? Plus, the inevitable downside of the toll on mental health. I’ve asked myself this question and I’m not so sure I would answer ‘yes’.

The psychological makeup of these heroic professionals reminds me of the psyches of our military special forces. They are trained to go into battle, not necessarily knowing what they are up against. If one is taken off the squad for any number of reasons, they just want to get back and help the ones who remain. I’ve heard over and over the same sentiment from the health care workers. If they are infected with the virus, once they recover, all they want to do is go back and help out the nurses and doctors they left behind while recuperating. They don’t even want to sleep, because that means their colleagues are fighting the Covid-19 monster without them. I find that altruism extraordinary. You can’t train that level of dedication, it’s there from childhood I suspect.

I become irritated that the cotton mask fogs up my glasses when grocery shopping or taking care of my horse. Whining over fogged glasses seems so pathetic when I remember the workers whose masks are slicing into their faces from wearing them interminable hours.

Throughout my 30 year career, I’ve worked closely with medical professionals. I’ve known them as colleagues and friends. But I’ve never seen heroism on such a massive scale up against an unknown beast of a virus. To say a simple Thank You seems insufficient. Perhaps going forward we all can honor them with a renewed appreciation of not only what they do, but who they are-Superheroes in scrubs.

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“In the midst of winter, I discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.” Albert Camus

It’s been almost three years since I wrote anything for this blog; I wondered what it would take for me to begin writing again. Now I know-an epic pandemic. Like everyone else, I’m trying to find a foundation upon which to stand before the ground shifts again. I’m not a worrier, nor am I a particularly anxious person, but I bounce back and forth between the two. I’m trying to find a place to psychologically settle.

I moved to a new office March 1st, after looking for almost a year. I had just finished putting up diplomas and photos, and adding the little odds and ends so essential to setting up a psychotherapy office. By the second week in March, I was gone. It was ill-advised and possibly dangerous for my health and that of my clients to continue to practice in the traditional manner. That thought was so disturbing, I didn’t even try to analyze the pros and cons. It felt a bit like evacuating before the fire reaches you, I grabbed only what I needed and left the rest.

But in my haste to vacate, I left behind some critical items. So, I went back on a weekend when I knew no one else would be in the office building. The fewer the people there, the less the chance I would catch or spread the potentially lethal virus. I Lysol-wiped all the door handles and turned on light switches with my elbows on my way down the stairs to the office. As I left, the process was reversed. So bizarre. My virology trained mother would have been so proud.

I now see clients from my home office via telemental health. I am beginning to ground myself and step into what is being referred to as the ‘new normal.’ I have returned to what I know best, positive psychology, the study of thriving. In particular, the bedrock of Emotional Resilience. One thing I know for certain, what promotes thriving in everyday life is even more critical in a crisis. Resilient people adapt to a crisis.

“Resilience in positive psychology refers to the ability to cope with whatever life throws at you. A resilient person works through challenges by using personal resources, strengths, and other positive capacities of psychological capital like hope, optimism, and self-efficacy.  (www.positivepsychology.com)

The following list may be helpful. I practice all myself. Some may seem simplistic or obvious, but these are emotional building blocks. In no particular order…

1. Sleep-This is ground zero for a healthy life. If you do not get at least six hours of sleep per night, you will not be as psychologically or physically healthy as you could be. Turn off cell phones and let go of the day.
2. Exercise-Do what appeals to you, especially now. There are innumerable streaming video services for whatever type of activity you enjoy. (dailyburn.com and dailyom.com are two of my favorites.) Walking is wonderful if you can maintain that critical six foot distance from others.
3. Get Outside-Your porch or deck is just fine. At least 10-15 minutes would be ideal. Being in nature is some of the best therapy, it’s called “forest bathing.”
4. Gardening-It’s reassuring that spring is coming whether or not the virus is leaving. Get your hands dirty and play with the earth. Maybe you only have pots on the balcony; clean those up and plant some seeds you order online.
5. Earthing-This may sound a bit unusual but I find it beneficial, it’s also a complement to forest bathing. The idea is to feel the earth by walking in bare feet. Obviously, check out your surroundings to ensure there aren’t any foreign objects, ticks, etc. Wiggle your toes and ‘ground’ yourself.
6. Clean your closets and drawers-Whatever you have put off for months or even years, now is the time. It has often been said that your external environment mirrors your internal world. In the midst of chaos, it is calming when your home environment is free of clutter and exudes serenity.
7. Stop posting primarily negative info on social media-I’m not even going to explain this one-just stop it!
8. Watch your screen time-Be informed but don’t go down a rabbit hole looking for grim virus stories. Lingering in a negative headspace is not healthy. Negativity feeds on itself.
9. Meditation & Relaxation-No fancy pillows or mats are needed, just sit or lie somewhere and focus on inhaling and exhaling. Allow random thoughts to float away like clouds. There are also wonderful apps, my favorite is Calm. Clients also love Headspace.
10. Be mindful of your alcohol and food intake. Many of us indulge with one or the other and rationalize that it is okay because we are under stress. Exactly, all the more reason to eat healthy and eliminate alcohol as much as possible. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, not helpful at all if you are struggling with depression and anxiety.

Our world has changed, our personal and professional lives may never be the same.  That doesn’t mean it will be worse, but it most certainly will be different. That which is not meaningful will fall away, and what we cherish most will remain. This darkness will pass somehow. For now, seek your ‘invincible summer.’

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I hear regrets about not having children, marrying the wrong person, or wishing travel had been higher on the priority list. But none of those are the most common. The number one regret is, “I should have gotten more education.” This statement is often expressed with a sense of shame and failure.

It is well known that formal education gives you more choices, opportunities, and often respect. When businesses hire, it’s very common to give the job to the person with a bachelor’s degree, rather than a high school diploma. Education provides you with a plethora of work/career options. It’s not just that an educated person has more information in her head, but education expands your cognition and problem solving skills. As the esteemed psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.”

Education not only informs you about subjects, it teaches you how to think which may be even more valuable. With education, you tend to be more critical of information, not to believe everything you read or the conspiracy theory du jour. An educated person learns to gather information from disparate, but credible sources when forming an opinion or making a decision. It’s also important to grasp what you don’t know, education will illuminate our ignorance as well as increase our knowledge.

Education promotes curiosity, one of the hallmarks of mental health. Depressed people are rarely engaged in life, they don’t explore the environment intellectually or physically. A curious mind is a mind on fire, collecting all sorts of disparate information. Curious people immerse themselves in learning about subjects that do not appear to have any tangible value, but are fascinating nonetheless to the learner.

There are many well-meaning people that have done a cost/benefit analysis of obtaining an education; I don’t think it’s that simple. Education has the potential to make life easier, that is a powerful, if somewhat intangible benefit. Of course, if more formal education results in insurmountable debt, that’s not a good idea. There are many avenues to education, if your time and money is limited, you can still learn.

Sadly, there are only a few remaining brick and mortar bookstores where you can hang out and go on curiosity trips. When I first met my husband, he wanted to know how I spent my weekends, did I go to the beach (I lived in southern California), or cycle up and down Coast Highway, maybe partying with friends? He did not believe me when I replied that my favorite weekend hangout was a reading bench at BookStar, a local store with every genre of book imaginable. I was transported into another dimension among the aisles. He only believed me when the employees knew me by my first name. Yes, I was a geek.

The takeaway is this-don’t squander any opportunity for education. Go to class, sit near the front and pay attention, do the assignments with a minimum of whining. If you don’t have the money or the time to attend college, it’s still possible to learn on your own. Visit libraries, they contain magic and inspiration. Discover subjects that ignite your enthusiasm. Education can and will improve the quality of your life.

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This is not to say that there is no such thing as bad luck, mean people, and circumstances beyond our control. But more often than not, it is our choices which create misery. The wounds are self-inflicted. What I have always found fascinating is that people who are seemingly in the most dire of circumstances, are often those who assure me they will fix their lives. They come to me for a tuneup, not a major life overhaul.

The people who find life the most challenging tend to look outward and blame the universe, “Why me?” Almost all will admit they knew a situation or relationship was not healthy but went ahead anyway or simply stayed stuck. Ignore the red flags at your peril, your well-being is at stake.

The first step is to take full responsibility for your life. If it’s not working, then continue to make changes until it does. I am forever encouraging clients to do something different. As one of my good friends says, “I am always course-correcting.” If it was a series of bad decisions that led to a less than satisfactory life, then a serious of good decisions will pull you out of a slump.

It may seem obvious, but adequate sleep and vigorous exercise are vital to optimal health and psychological well-being. If you are sleep deprived, no change or intervention will work as well. Vigorous exercise will also help you sleep.

One question I always ask is how much alcohol and recreational drugs? Many clients say they use drugs and alcohol to help them relax. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, if you are depressed, count on it to depress you further. Marijuana? Maybe it will take your mind off current circumstances-then what? Where’s the problem solving? Alcohol and drugs do not solve problems, they create additional ones. The Centers for Disease Control ( cdc.gov/alcohol) has specific guidelines for alcohol use/abuse. It has a superb website for health in general.

Some of the takeaways from the CDC include: No more than 1 drink/day for women, 2 for men. Binge drinking is considered to be more than 5 drinks in one setting for men, 4 for women. Beer and wine are no better for you than hard liquor. I am leery of the current fondness for microbreweries. It seems as though excessive beer intake is par for the course when socializing at pubs.

In summation, here are my top six suggestions to get out of a rut or a mild/moderate depression:

1. Take responsibility for your thoughts and behaviors. You created this life, you can create an improved version.
2. Eliminate or significantly reduce alcoholic drinks and recreational drugs.
3. Exercise vigorously for 30 minutes at least 3x per week.
4. Get at least seven hours of sleep each night.
5. Do something different, visit someplace new, volunteer, get out of your comfort zone. Novelty and newness is good for the brain, especially if you’re depressed.
6. Seek therapy if you’ve been stuck for a while with little or no results.

Lastly, don’t give up. Keep making positive choices until your life works!

“I Shall Stop Loving You Little by Little,” is a line in a poem by Chilean poet-politician, Pablo Neruda. It beautifully tells the story of the loss of a love he cherished. His woman didn’t love him anymore, and he had to figure out how to cope and move on.

Valentine’s Day is not a favorite holiday for many of my clients. They talk of love never experienced, or love that ended even though it seemed perfect.

One of my friends was in a committed, loving relationship for five years, she thought he was her soulmate, the love of her life. There were photos of them together throughout her home. She began commuting back and forth to a different state for her work. His contact with her diminished over time, phone calls and texts were not returned. Then contact stopped totally and he moved to a different state. He promised to explain, but didn’t, just disappeared from her life. What happened? We will never know.

Why do relationships end suddenly, without explanation? How do you move on when you still love the person who is gone? One of the most difficult tasks in life is to grieve the loss of someone you loved who is still alive, but no longer in your life. The first step is to acknowledge, at an intellectual and especially an emotional level, that you may never fully understand why the relationship ended. You may never get an answer. My friend assumed I could help her figure it out because I’m a therapist, but my thoughts would only be speculation. I didn’t know either.

As unhelpful and simplistic as it may sound, people end relationships just because. It could be one reason or many. Maybe they no longer want to invest the time and energy, the passion dwindles, or someone else might be more appealing. One thing I know for certain, don’t spend time trying to figure it out.

What I see more often than not, is the fantasy that if you could only figure out why he left, then the relationship can be fixed. Rarely does that happen. You cannot bring back someone who has left. It may come to pass that he returns, but that is out of your control. His leaving may have had nothing to do with you. Don’t take the loss personally and feel diminished, you are still the same person.

Moving forward with an open heart is then the challenge. How is that done? We hold ourselves responsible for unknown mistakes. Instead, appreciate the wonderful times and forgive yourself first, then the beloved. Stay connected with friends, but don’t incessantly talk with them about your loss. Allow yourself to grieve, but not too long. Fill the emptiness with new activities and places.

There is an ebb and flow to love and loss that is universal. We all love and we all lose love. As time passes, the real estate in your head will be filled with thoughts other than that of the person who is gone. You will be okay.

“If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life, And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots, Remember, That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms, And my roots will set off to seek another land.”      Pablo Neruda

The root of worry is fear of the unknown and the mistaken idea that if you worry and obsess about something, you can stop bad things from happening. You can’t. A good deal of life is out of our control. I saw something written the other day that said, essentially, planning is wonderful until you put on your clothes and leave the house. Amusing and true. Worrying has no inherent protective quality. As a matter of fact, the bad things that may happen may be something you didn’t even consider before-the unknown.

Worrying saps your energy, robs you of sleep, it hijacks your day and can ultimately reduce your quality of life. Nor is there room in the life of a worrier for spontaneity, too risky. Worriers may not be much fun either, they have a heavy parental quality, ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ because all these bad things could happen. Those who worry also seem to have difficulty making decisions, because it might be the ‘wrong’ one.

Do not confuse worry with problem-solving. The latter does not have a fear component. Problem-solvers attempt to anticipate problems, but they don’t go looking for them. Problem-solvers rely on their own resourcefulness or that of others. They have faith that they are up to the challenge. They make a decision and then let it go…

Self-confidence appears to play a role as to whether one is a worrier or not. People who believe in themselves and are emotionally resilient (bounce back from problems), roll with the setbacks and forge ahead. One of my favorite quotes about worry is from Pat Schroeder, former US Representative from Colorado. She said, “You can’t wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.”

Assuming you are a worrier and want to change that trait, here are five tools that may help.

1. The most important concept I have for worriers is that thoughts come and go, they are not reality. One day you will worry, and the next maybe not. Imagine worries as clouds as they drift across your vision.
2. Deliberately change your focus. When aware you are worrying, consciously think about something else more productive and positive.
3. Another tool I have sometimes used with worriers is to have a worry “session” and then leave it alone. Set aside a certain amount of time to fret, and then that’s it-move on. It’s not my favorite tool, but for some this works well.
4. Have someplace physical you can go to “settle.” A place of serenity to quiet the mind and the body. Meditation is non-denominational and it can be as simple as sitting or lying down in a place with your eyes closed paying attention to your breath traveling in and out. But you must practice it. Meditation is a bit like exercise, you don’t have to love it to derive the benefits, but you must do it.
5. Exercise, especially outdoors, benefits the brain as much as the body. Walking in greenery especially seems to calm our nervous system. It’s hard to worry when you are paying mindful attention to the beauty that surrounds you.

If none of these tools work and it seems as though worry is robbing you of present day pleasure, it may be time to seek professional help.

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Purpose–Liking what you do each day and being motivated to achieve your goals.

Social–Having supportive relationships and love in your life.

Financial–Managing your economic life to reduce stress and increase security.

Community-Liking where you live, feeling safe and having pride in your community.

Physical-Having good health and enough energy to get things done daily.

So, the takeaway is, love your work and feel as though you are valued, good friends and family count a lot, have enough money to provide security and lessen financial worry, a resonance between who you are and where you live, and be healthy enough to do what you what.

Returning to the data, once again the western states dominate the top ten states for well-being. They are in order:

1. Hawaii
2. Alaska
3. Montana
4. Colorado
5. Wyoming-where I live
   
6. South Dakota
7. Minnesota
8. Utah
9. Arizona
10. California

Even if your state is not in the top group, you can still benefit by focusing on improving your life in each of the five ‘quality of life’ areas. You can find a comprehensive list of where each state ranks at: well-beingindex.com

Both of those resolutions come from a place of failure, what you didn’t do, what you failed to accomplish over the past year or years. When clients want to talk about resolutions, they want to recount, in great detail, how they have failed themselves.

I flip that discussion over and say let’s celebrate what you did accomplish. Success leads to more success, and it can begin from seemingly small tasks well done. I suggest to my clients we build upon what has already been accomplished. It may seem only a matter of semantics, but those words become powerful thoughts, and then actions.

If someone  wants to initiate a new behavior, I prefer the word “intention.” It is often used in yoga and with good reason. Intentions are seeds that grow towards the light, they flourish under positive thoughts, not by belittling yourself into behavioral change.

So, before you set your 2016 New Years intentions, celebrate your accomplishments, what you did right throughout 2015 and build from that point of success.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My undergraduate degree is in journalism. After graduation, I did not automatically get a print job with Newsweek or Sports Illustrated as I assumed, instead wrote a few stringer pieces for various publications for very little money. Then, I was offered a job as a fashion copywriter for a prosperous and well-known retailer in Salt Lake City. It was a prestigious job that paid well for someone so young. Some of my ads were even featured by a national advertising magazine. One day, the manager of the retail chain told me “You have a bright future with the company.” I was horrified. Writing fashion copy was kind of fun, but it had no meaning for me. It did not improve the quality of life for others, which was one of my aspirations. I quit. This was not a ‘ladder worth climbing’ for me. I went back to writing feature articles, for minor newspapers, for very little money. But I was happy.

Fast forward to an interview for a newspaper I did with a clinical psychologist who specialized in sport psychology, Bruce Ogilvie. He studied with Anna Freud, (Sigmund’s daughter). He traveled around the country working with professional athletes. The memory of him is still vivid. Brilliant, kind, charismatic, and he thought I’m make a good psychologist. That was all it took. I stuffed my Ford Thunderbird (so bulky it was dubbed the USS Kittyhawk by my friends) with all my cherished stuff, the TV set perched on the front seat anchored with a seat belt. I drove west to enroll in a sport psychology program in San Diego. I found my ladder.

Loving your work may sound like a luxury, but it is the cornerstone of a healthy life. There are many facets of well-being, and engagement at work is one. A longitudinal study of over 1500 people funded by the National Institute on Aging found that purpose in life reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s Dementia, incident disability, and death. It would not be an overstatement to say that finding your purpose life is paramount above all else to living a healthy life. If you’ve found your purpose, your energy and enthusiasm illuminate the space you inhabit.

If you are still searching for your purpose and meaningful work, then volunteer, explore your world and find out what makes you come alive. I can also highly recommend a book called The Purpose Linked Organization, by Alaina Love and Marc Cugnon. They are business consultants, but have written a book for all of us. They did exhaustive, original research and created 10 distinct passion archetypes. The book includes a fun personality inventory that identifies your top three archetypes. (I was also the psych consultant on the book.) Love and Cugnon have dedicated their lives to helping others discover their purpose.

Go find Your Ladder…

I have spent quite a bit of time observing those most likeable because it’s a trait of great interest. What specific traits and behaviors do likeable people exhibit? Here are some of my observations and some easily recognizable examples.

•  Sense of humor, mischievous-they don’t take themselves seriously and often make fun of themselves. Very often their eyes are ‘smiling.’ They easily amuse themselves. George Clooney comes to mind.
• Non-judgmental-you are not worried about saying or doing something stupid around this person because you won’t be judged anyway. Charlie Rose, PBS interview host and Oprah Winfrey are good examples.
• Kindness-these people do not build themselves up at the expense of others, typically very good listeners. They do and say nice things for people when no one is watching because they do it out of goodness of heart, not for accolades. Anthropologist Jane Goodall, whose work with wild chimpanzees is legendary. She oozes kindness to all living creatures.
• Authenticity-their words match their actions, generally direct communicators, often politically incorrect. The ‘what you see is what you get’ people. It’s an interesting characteristic because people feel comfortable around those with this trait, you know they won’t say something behind your back, they will say it to your face. Charles Barkley (former pro basketball player) is the poster child. “Sir Charles” can always be counted on to tell you what he thinks even if his opinion is in the minority, his sense of humor has no peer. Probably couldn’t care less if he is likeable.

More insight on likeability comes from extramadness.com

People Who Are Well Liked:

1. Ask for Nothing
2. Laugh at Themselves
3. Listen with Interest
4. Rarely Complain
5. Inspire Others
6. Teach
7. Give

Whether your aim is to be more likeable or not, these are all traits that make everyone’s life a little bit easier.