PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective

Combat PTSD: A Psycho-Social and Spiritual Wound

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 01:35:00 +0000

America, I gave you my soul in 1991. I didn't know it then that I would receive a psycho-social and spiritual wound that not even I could see. Of late we have heard much on the common symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD in the media and the soldier or veteran, you won't hear me talk about that much. I deal mostly in the chronic nature of Combat PTSD and it's many flavors and identities as it relates to me. I'm all about talking about the mental, physical, social and spiritual aspects of where going to combat can take us.

Along with the mental health issues where I perform the equivalence of aerial acrobatics in a paper airplane with an elephant pilot. Yeah, go read that again. I have recently started taking a new anti-depressant, Lexapro to help with the seasonal depression which buffers the chronic depression this last year. Since I have a "sensitivity" to such medications I get the distinction of trying novel and 'off label' usage of medications. Or I get to be first again, leading the way with taking new medications where hundreds of thousands of veterans will go!

The year 2011 was a year of grieving and mourning; I went into an inpatient PTSD program in Memphis, TN. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) is a tremendous tool I was able to learn and apply to novel ways of processing my war trauma. Long story short, I was able to reconcile and mourn 5 marine deaths. In doing so it unblocked a flood of mourning for my grandmother, mother, father and friends who had died since 1991. The year 2011 was the year I took my soul back.

Other symptoms of the Combat PTSD Veteran? Toxic levels of stress hormones and chemicals in the body can cause muscle and nerve damage over years from constant flooding of the body. Stomach ulcers, acid re-flux, chronic bowel problems. Then there are the side effects from the medications starting with erectile dysfunction from the medications to treat chronic PTSD (I take 9, down from 15 two years ago). If you or a loved you is not on top of your medications they can kill you!

Speaking of family and loved ones. We have the propensity to push everyone away and many of us will alienate the ones we love. Combined with a sense of loss of community, no wonder we are still loosing veterans at a rate of 18 a day. I have the gift of hindsight for all the good it does me in repairing some relationships, if I can manage to keep dodging those land mines! Yeah, the flashbacks. We don't talk about those for two reasons; one because they scare the hell out of us and two, most of us don't have the language to describe it (I do, drop me a line).

Keep coming back,

Scott

Darktimes Indeed

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 23:58:00 +0000

Comment from On Dealing with the Combat PTSD Veteran.

wshat a lod of shit. yh0out think you know ptsgd becaue you a brad driver?
step outsi8d edand ytell me what is ptsd . fuck all od you that felel sorry for soldiers. we chowse this profdssion sna we know whaT WE get oursxledves in6o. you think oyu know ptsdL> ypou ever put yuour friends in a ody bvad? jyou ever see peolpe melted to th eground from an ied. fuck you .spr4eadign this bullthis. oyu know wh0o tis is

bootsw onty the ground

My response,

Darktimes indeed, check it out,

I was a Bradley Driver who witnessed thousands of deaths in 100 hours. I was the Bradly Fighting Vehicle Driver ON Point for the 3rd Brigade, 1st AD. The 1st Brigade and the 2nd Brigade boxed the enemy Division in, then I led 5,000 men through and we killed them all!

Go ahead research what my unit did, I fucking dare you. I led our tanks and infantry through a meat grinder; with over 20,000 enemy kills in 100 hours. I had a front row seat.

I drove for seven days straight without sleep through the biggest tank battle in the history of war. I watched people be vaporized, over and over again. I never saw the explosive force of an IED, but I did save a private from stepping on one of our air dispersed anti-personnel mines though.

This shit ain't even half of it, You hear me?

ON Dealing with the Combat PTSD Veteran: We Came Home in Spirit as Warriors and Will Forever Be

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:02:00 +0000

Unconditional love is to surrender, it is faith in the other and spontaneity unleashed, it is emotional freedom and nurturing of the spirit. All of these things we had to shed before combat; we had to be steadfast, precise and deadly - the exact opposite of unconditional love. Now we are conditioned to it and operate from a Combat Values structure, which can leave our family and loved ones attachments broken. We can experince these states of mind and spirit again, but usually in spirts and sputters. We will develop a set of Signs to warn of our emotional states, we came home in spirit as Warriors and will forever be.

It may take time to learn your veterans triggers, warning signs, and different ways of coping depending on their stress level. When stress levels are high your veteran will be operating from a Warrior Persona and defensive operational procedures will be exhibited. If you keep killing yourself from expectations of your Vet during this time, resentments can build and interfere with your subconscious intentions and interactions with her. If you expect him to call all day and he doesn't - then you have made yourself feel like shit; self made suffering. Many times we will operate from our expectations, intentions and resentments and we must constantly check ourselves for these three relationship wreckers.

When stress levels are high; Expectations, Intentions and Resentments – The 3 Generals of Chaos (3GC) – This Triad of Chaos can wreck havoc on communication, understanding and empathy; Expectations erects barriers between people. Intentions fortifies those walls and Resentments assails those defensive barriers just because they are there. Reason becomes absent, logic rules and only applies to those who can wield it with surgical precision to serve Righteous Indignation, Defamation and Demoralization. – A false belief system maintains a Defensive State of Mind and creates a culture of aggression; providing the fuel for chaos, discord and strife. More on this later…

To the Combat PTSD Caregiver

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:59:00 +0000

Reach out to other spouses in your area or online to help educate and support one another. There are many benefits you can apply for today such as the Caregiver Benefit of service-connected veterans. An organization I highly recommend is Family of a Vet, you can find their link on the upper right hand of this blog.

When things between you two become confusing it is due to his perception of reality has been profoundly shaken. Everything he thought of himself has been shattered to the core including his spirit. I often speak of coming home in body starting as we disembark the aircraft to our home soil. Coming home in mind is a completely different experience and mine happened when I was able to be present all day without dissociating or loosing time to spacing out. This happened in 2010 twenty years after my combat experience. I still loose time, in the last several months my stress level has risen and remained constant and my dissociative features of Combat PTSD have been kicking.

Know that when his reality has been high-jacked, you are the means of his reality testing. When this other reality bleeds over into yours, it is real in his mind. Knowing this will help you communicate with him, his comments or behavior can give you clues to his mental state and in what reality his mind thinks its in.

When my kids where around and I was having hallucinations I included them sometimes as combat operations. To them they were playing war with dad, to me the intensity was dulled. I was able to tether myself to my kids and not succumb to the all encompassing flashbacks where the reality of today disappears as the horror of yesteryear rains.

He is in there and will come home in mind when he is ready, his mind trying to sort out the absurdity and brutality of war. It is a long process. I want to thank you for your spirit and knowledge seeking to understand your veteran, you are important to him if he doesn't say it. That's that part of him that cannot reconcile war, killing and the sacrifices your family experiences daily. This part of him is broken, how can we use something effectually rendered inoperable? You are in my prayers.

Combat PTSD Prayer

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 00:21:00 +0000

God, my faith had been lacking this last year and yet you still hold me in your hand. I curse your plan for me and tell you that I am not ready and you bless me further. I resist the path with detours and you place Angels in my life to guide me back. I have ignored you long enough, thank you God for the blessings in my life and I pledge to work on my humbleness and thankfulness to honor your presence in my life. When the darkness threatens to engulf me, I will turn to my faith. I love you God, Amen.

Advice Given to Caregiver Uncle Sam's Mistress: Fight for Him

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 19:35:00 +0000

Uncle Sam's Mistress over at Living with PTSD and TBI: An Army Wife's POV wrote this incredible article about meeting a Vietnam Veteran on the streets of New York and the advice he gave her. I think everyone who has a veteran in their life should read this.

I asked him "Do you have any advice for me about my husband?" He sat a minute and said "yeah 'a do. Have patience. It's hard, but he's in there somewhere. It's murky, its dark and there are demons riding his back all day...but he is still there. Love him no matter how much he pushes you away because he is only trying to punish himself. He depends on you cause you are all he has left. You got the only light on to show him the way and a part of him knows that. Fight for him, because he doesn't have the strength to keep going some days. When he gets stubborn or won't help himself? Stick a boot up his ass and let him know you aren't going to give up on him but you're not gonna tolerate his giving up either. If he is going to the VA and taking his meds? It means he is trying and probably just for you and your kids. Remember that. Lot you don't know, doll, about what goes on in war.... but a lot he doesn't know what you go through either. Both of you are just two lost people trying to hang on tight and not lose your way. One day, he will find his way as you will too. Have faith in God, cause he may take you for a ride but there's a reason. It's not your plan, it's his and he will let you know as you go along. Sometimes you just miss the message".

The Intimacy of War

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:19:00 +0000

Reclaiming parts of my memory has helped to regain lost bits and pieces of myself; by putting together this Combat Narrative I will regain a significant part of my life that has influenced me in many negative ways otherwise. This recording of my narrative will assist me further in reclaiming my past and coming to terms with my complete Combat Narrative over time. Watch it unfold here and at the Graffiti of War Project Blog.

This begins the epic story of the 3rd Brigade of the 1st AD in the Greatest Tank Battle in the history of war; where I learned the Intimacy of War. Our second engagement commenced within the 100 Hour Ground War, but to get there I had to drive balls to the wall as part of the Army’s VII Corps mission to cut off the Iraqi forces before our hail Mary pass into Kuwait. As I was blazing 50 MPH across the sands towards the front line my 32 ton combat loaded Bradley drove over a sand dune and straight into a landmine field. Sgt T flipped out and started cussing and I could hear my captain in the background cursing and asking why we had stopped. As they both continued the barrage of swearing and demanding I screamed, “Shut the fuck up and look out your window, we are in a landmine field!” As the reality of situation sunk in, I assessed our trajectory into the field and found we had landed at an angle and missed detonating a single mine stopping us in our tracks.

What took less than two seconds to get into, took us about 15 to 20 minutes to get out of. A paltry amount of time when you have all you need; but we had to be out in the front of our tanks to guide them into battle and being 20 minutes late to the show was not an option. In this moment the Intimacy of War took its hold upon my squad, we had already become one in body through training; now we would complete the process in mind and spirit. With the welling of emotions within and feeling of circling the drain of despair I had to release the emotive responses or be consumed by a downward spiral. I was to either succumb to the pressure or I was to prevail in spirit over my mind and tune in to my surroundings in a way that I would fail miserably to describe.

Sgt T had to stand out of his hatch to give me directions to thread us back through our tracks we had laid down, without any deviance from the trail. Sgt T to me, “Straight, stop! Left back, stop. Right, back, stop. Forward left, stop!” I was driving blind as my thoughts went to a conversation we had the night before. I was complaining about driving for two days straight without sleep, and Sgt T says, “The only way your backup driver is going to drive is if you are dead! Got that soldier?” I welled with pride, that was high praise from a sergeant to his biggest pain in the ass soldier. At that moment, the implicit trust and respect for each other was expressed. I was then able to read the inflections in his voice, his marked tone of voice indicating I was on the track in the sand. A moment of complete and utter faith that would carry over into our catching up with the VII Corp and leading the charge of Shock and Awe that would spill blood and fires across the sands.

I looked above as our Multiple Long Range Rocket systems hailed the night with eerily beautiful red streaks filling the sky from horizon to horizon. Underneath the belly of the deadly mosaic red lines our Apache helicopters were firing Hellfire missiles, snaking through the air seemingly without aim and at the last minute ministering vaporizing showers of demise. Beneath the Apaches our M1A’s Main Battle Tank were firing and hitting the enemy tanks where columns of erupting fire would jet 100 feet in the air, later I would see the turrets flipping end over end atop the jet of roiling plasma. Coming through the MLRS curtain of fire where our artillery rounds lobbing to find their targets; a core shaking boom, boom, boom resounds until we finally seeing what “fire for effect” means. A firecracker repetition of bursting bombs rending reality from some unlucky crews, I was in awe of our shock and awe.

May you never know the Intimacy of War; where I see my nightmares walk in the light of day. Bodies rendered, splayed and sprayed in showers of molten metal and steel; the first was a religious experience, the next several thousand were getting the job done. One hundred and ten degrees outside and 160-180 degrees roasting inside the belly of my Bradley Fighting Vehicle sitting next to a 600 hp Cummins turbo-charged diesel engine separated by a 3/16” steel plate. Broiling inside my body armor and a zip up full body fire retardant suit, and a MOPP suit - a chemical warfare suit commonly used in Germany during the winter to stay warm. For 172 hours straight? Yeah, that turn looks like it goes straight through Hell. My hope in conveying to you my inner world is that you can glimpse the silhouette of my daemons and behold a rebirth of my passions. Surrendering or quitting was never an option then; but we were trained be invincible and with the right support at times we where. But we were not trained to combat bringing home the fight we have left in us; we were not given the tools to successfully circumvent the pitfalls of home where the fantasy island of home looms large. Combat PTSD and TBI can wrest away my capacity for intimacy; a grievous wound of war.

The intimacy of war can invade our hearts, minds and spirit if we cannot reconcile our past, the machinations of Shock and Awe can go beyond the halls of war and infect the walls of the home. In combat we must thread a fluidity of boundaries between intimacy and camaraderie from throughout the fabric of life for it has forever changed us. How we think about closeness and our perceptions and expectations of our loved ones. We begin to compare the closeness of our squad, whom we shared the burden of war to our loves ones, with whom we share our life. If we are not cognizant of these changes in ourselves and perceptions of others, it may affect how we care for and expect others to care for us. Love becomes the Battlefield in the Combat PTSD/TBI home; where intimacy can become lost in the fray. The Caregiver has to reevaluate expectations and learn to read cues from the veteran. The fluid boundaries of the Combat PTSD/TBI veteran can confuse the family and cause havoc. By educating the family on the why and how of mommy or daddy's mental wounds of war and providing the support we can mitigate many of the chronic problems that plague the Combat Veteran and their families.

Politics Aside, We Must Meet the Needs of Our Combat Affected Veterans

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 18:42:00 +0000

Photo by Scott Lee

We have been divided long enough, we must all work together to triage the oncoming wave of combat veterans struggling to readjust to peace. With the war’s end soon, we will have war fighters with plenty of time to think and begin to process the multitude of deployments and traumas they have experienced.

When we come together across bipartisan and ideological lines to make cooperative compromises and sacrifices, our veteran’s families and communities are strengthened and the fabric of our country becomes more whole.

The rates of PTSD and suicide will skyrocket in the following 10 years, even exponentially after the war’s end, if we do not do something now. We must mobilize our drive for innovation and creativity to meet the needs of a massive relief effort to help ‘combat affected’ members of our communities thrive in their new environments at work and home, before they are lost in the sea of Combat PTSD and TBI.

Under the Influence of War

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 03:27:00 +0000

This article was written for the Graffiti of War Project where I will be doing a guest blogger spot once or twice a month; they are embarking on a new journey to include the veterans perspective. Read my story as it unfolds; from a student of Combat PTSD on and off the battlefield.

Join us at the Graffiti of War Project as we uncover unconventional art in and around combat zones from around the world and bring the images to a city near you.

This 4th of July was especially hard, one of those days where the struggle to do anything overshadows everything. I have been out of focus since and ruminating over my recent stay at an inpatient PTSD program and a new meaning unearthed within my War Trauma. The most profound lesson I learned in Iraq was from 5 Marines who made the ultimate sacrifice. I remember the people who gave their lives so that I may go on. For those of us who experience these selfless acts of compassion and unabashed brotherhood; they have forever changed us. Can you imagine what it feels like have someone forfeit their life so you may live? How can one live up to a sacrifice so profound? I carry this weight every day, but this past 4th of July I felt it especially deep and heavy. Through an introspective and haunting two weeks I have came to realize a new personal meaning for the holiday; healing the sense of loss I feel by mourning the Marines who gave their lives and honoring their sacrifices.

On or around February 22, 1991 we had been getting reports all day that regular infantry soldiers in Saddam’s army where surrendering in droves, it was the following day when we saw this phenomenon for ourselves. An incredible sight to see thousands of people surrendering and milling about lost in the shimmering heat and billowing clouds rising to a red tinted sky as our tracks rolled by.
That night we received an after-action report detailing how a Marine armored vehicle had been hit and five Marines were killed, with the amount of enemy soldiers surrendering no wonder they hesitated. A Marine Stryker brand spanking new out of the box, straight to the sandbox came across an enemy tank with its turret faced in the opposite direction; Geneva Convention Rules of War for “surrender.” When the duped Marine Stryker came into firing range it was outgunned and gunned down, they used a creative and unlawful means to kill my brethren. To say the least I wanted my just dues; I would waste a couple of decades to the futile attempt to keep their memory alive with my anger.

For many years I failed to recognize how their deaths served as a valuable lesson the next night during a convoy down through a wadi; a low lying basin in the desert perfect for an ambush. I kept seeing movement on the left flank and reported to my Track Commander Sergeant T. He acted like he commanded the entire Army and while I hated him for it in garrison; we loved and respected each other in the field. I would have given my life for him if I didn’t kill him first; we had that kind of a private-sergeant relationship. I trained on recognizing hundreds of pages of shapes, the size of dimes for months leading up to the Ground War, as an infantry armored vehicle driver on point for the brigade, I needed to be prepared. I was heavily trained and felt invincible, little did I know those tiny silhouettes on the horizon would haunt my sights and nights since that hour of darkness over 20 years ago.

Our first engagement of the war, dubbed Surrender Hill in honor of 5 Marines who never surrendered and my finally coming to terms with that night. Two sides of surrender, one where I will never give up the fight, the other knowing when to love myself and others. With their sacrifice I was able to have the necessary frame of mind to lead a brigade safely through the largest tank battle in the history of war without a casualty. Their loss was necessary to teach me the gravity of the incredible weight I was to bear in the 100 Hour Ground War. The Republican Guards were a highly trained armored mechanized division under Saddam and did not know the meaning of surrender. My vehicle was chosen as the spear tip to the 3rd Brigade of the 1st Armored Division where I lead 5,000 men into battle. Over 45,000 enemy soldiers were killed in the Ground War; my brigade was attributed with over 20,000 enemy deaths. I was a Mechanized Infantry Soldier driving a Bradley Fighting Vehicle on point for the brigade; my job was to lead our M1A1 Abrams Main Battle Tanks into the fiery fray. I drove for 172 hours straight in the largest tank battle in the history of war, so I saw it all. But, that’s another story, for another time.

Support Family of a Vet in Discover Card Design Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 17:23:00 +0000

Discover Card is holding a design contest to help raise money for Operation Homefront. The winning design will become an official new design for Discover cards and will earn $5,000!
CLICK HERE to VOTE for THIS DESIGN

Family Of a Vet (under the name of its founder, Brannan Vines, since only individuals are allowed to enter) has entered the contest. BUT, instead of simply entering a patriotic design, we hope to use this opportunity to not only raise some much needed funds for Family Of a Vet but to also increase nationwide awareness about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and TBI (traumatic brain injury) in an unexpected way! Just imagine every time someone uses their credit card it will be an opportunity for the cardholder and the person processing the card to talk about PTSD and TBI!

Please help us win this contest! It's absolutely FREE for you to vote and you can vote once a day beginning on Tuesday, July 5th, until Friday, July 15th.

Make sure you click both the VOTE button and the Facebook "Like" button too CLICK HERE.

If you'd like to sign-up for a daily voting reminder from now until July 15th, please CLICK HERE.

We would also REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT if you would forward a link to this page to your family and friends via e-mail, Facebook, and Twitter and ask them to help us win the contest.

Used with permission, brought to you by FamilyOfaVet.com

FamilyOfaVet.com

Unspoken High Cost of War No More: Public Acknowledgment of Veteran Suicides

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 16:57:00 +0000

WASHINGTON (AP) — The White House says that families of service members who commit suicide are now getting condolence letters from the president just like families of troops who die in other ways. http://www.whas11.com/news/national/125047909.html

Photo by Scott Lee

It is sad that this issue has to reach critical mass for veteran issue to be acknowledged but, this is a good thing. The character of our country depends on actions that advance our cause. We teach our children to do what is right, especially if they have put it off.

We cannot ignore the work and struggle of the Vietnam Veteran, since the end of the war, over 200,000 veterans have killed themselves. In 1980 our brothers and sisters were on point for those of us today, they forged the path that we follow today. They fought and won a diagnosis for their troubles, then it was to work on the treatment side. We know that story, we live it today.

It has taken our government 30 years to do what is right; acknowledge that our veterans sacrifices were not in vain. This is a victory for the Vietnam Veteran who took their life after suffering in silence. Today his family has the President of the United States with a public acknowledgement of their struggle, their honor has been restored.

It just dawned on me that I was 7 years old when the Vietnam War ended.

Hallowed Day: 4th of July

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 04:48:00 +0000

A friend said to me, "I can't even imagine how the 4th of July feels for veterans..." and "Did you ever get hurt in the line of duty?" I shared with her my being wounded in mind for the last 20 years. She asked me how I deal with it on a day like today. My response, "I cry a lot, mourn some more, write, pray and force myself to be around people." I'm watching the fireworks outside my window wishing I had someone to share the sight with.

ON this day I remember the people who gave their lives so that I may go on. This actually has meaning for those of us who witness these selfless acts of compassion and unabashed brotherhood; they have forever changed us. Can you imagine what it feels like have someone forfeit their life so you may live? How can one live up to a sacrifice so profound? I carry this weight every day, but today I feel it especially deep and heavy.

To find my purpose is to find a way; My Purpose is My Life. My purpose and mission is to bring awareness to Combat PTSD and TBI. The song lyric, "Uncle Sam put you at the top of his list...", makes me think of massive effort needed to help veterans. We've exhausted our most wanted list and our high value targets. Now is the time to move on down to the veterans list, who fought these wars for the last 20 years, let's get on that list.

Thinking Patterns of War Can Impede a Veterans Life

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 19:46:00 +0000

People come here because they want to understand Combat PTSD. I appreciate your desire to learn, I am here to educate. War will change the way we think, feel and behave. Our minds can trick us into believing everything within ourselves is fine, the same. It's the world that has changed.

Photo by Scott Lee

Coming home is a seductive force to the deployed soldier fighting for their life; a fantasy island of peace and tranquility. This hairline crack in reality has shattered many a battle hardened warrior at home; the thought of 'coming home will be the easy part' can devastate the unprepared veteran. What I found was a battlefield of the mind and everywhere I turned forced my sanity to escaped me. The Pitfalls of Home engulfed me and a fire consumed my existence, forging and tempering my PTSD, folding my identity, losing who I used to be and believing I was still him. Thus cementing by unreality for decades.

The landscape of the mind has been altered by the experience of war, we now operate from a Warrior Perspective. We have the ability to morph into a sophisticated and skilled range of abilities that can devastate opposing forces. If we are unaware of this change within ourselves and we do not receive the training on how to decompress or disengage from the thinking patterns of war and adopt the Warrior Ethos to a peacetime setting. Then we will direct this energy at our loved ones and if they are unprepared for that consequence of war, then they too can succumb to the oppressive tidal forces of Combat PTSD.

Join me at Facebook.com/CombatPTSDBlog where I comment on relevant Facebook pages and create original content. Many interactions on my page generate insights and the creative process usually leads to articles here at PTSD: A Soldier's Perspective. If you want to have some input in my next article go to Facebook.com/CombatPTSDBlog today. You can have a say in your life, start now!

Frustrated and Alone: Combat PTSD Awareness

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 21:29:00 +0000

I received this comment on one of my better articles on Combat Rage and What We May Do With It; the Combat PTSD Veteran. Frustrated and Alone (FA) was me 6 years ago, I have come back from the brink of utter loneliness and abject isolation this young vet suffers silently with today, right now.

Frustrated and Alone says,

Mr. Lee, I completely agree with your statement. My personal story may very form another’s but I’m sure in many ways its related. I feel that the effects of “self medicating” I.E. alcoholic and/or drug abuse should have been brought up; it makes the pain stop… for awhile, then it only numbs and after time its only used to stay as sane as possible. I got so bad that I volunteered to leave my wife and 3 year old daughter for another deployment (my forth Marine Infantry deployment, 3 in Iraq and 1 in Afghanistan).

I went to what I truly knew and felt comfortable, but to no avail… I came back worse than ever. The lack of sleep, always sitting at diners facing the doors, panic attacks from driving through underpasses or litter on the street. Since my first deployment during the invasion in 2003 to my last in Afghanistan in 2009 it has been a drunken downward spiral and its truly taken its toll on my family. I went for help at the V.A. and was told that I need deal with my alcoholism before “they” can deal with P.T.S.D. and I stressed that the problem was not from the alcohol but from my mental problems.

I was sent to doctors, counselors and shrinks and I kept telling them I need to fight the pain in me or I’ll keep using the “medicine” I’m using. It seemed to me obviously redundant to fight one while ignoring the other. That being said, I was refused mental health treatment and ultimately left to fend for myself, and here I am… frustrated and alone.

If you want to join our cause and volunteer your time to help men and women like FA, leave your contact info in the comment section or email me through my profile.

VA Late to National PTSD Awareness Day

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:12:00 +0000

Family Of a Vet, Inc. / FamilyOfaVet.com
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Contact: Brannan Vines
E-mail: Brannan@FamilyOfaVet.com

UPDATE: As of 12:47 CST and 1:47 EST the VA has FINALLY heard us! See, we can make a difference with social media! The VA has finally acknowledged the day of awareness for PTSD sufferers, National PTSD Awareness Day. I wonder how many opportunities the VA missed with getting a such late start on this day? ~ Combat PTSD Blogger

VA MAIN SITES GIVE NO MENTION OF NATIONAL PTSD AWARENESS DAY, Further Underlining the Stigma for Heroes and Families Who Are Struggling Daily with This Illness.

June 27, 2011, is National PTSD Awareness Day, a day intended to encourage awareness and education about post-traumatic stress disorder and help end the stigma associated with the disorder.

The Veterans Administration, our nation’s largest provider of combat-related PTSD care, is an integral component in the fight against PTSD-related stigma. Which contributes to the loss of 18 veterans each day to suicide, to the failing of 2 out of every 3 impacted marriages, and to hundreds of thousands of caregivers and family members who are now struggling with Secondary PTSD.

However, as of 10:45 am CST on June 27th, the home page of the VA’s website (http://www.va.gov/), the VA’s blog (http://www.blogs.va.gov/VAntage/), and the VA’s main Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/VeteransAffairs), give no mention of this critical day.

In a society where the majority of veterans who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan (according to the VA’s own research - http://www.hsrd.research.va.gov/publications/forum/may11/may11-2.cfm) access the internet each and every day, this lack of coverage by the institution which is supposed to provide the majority of their PTSD-related care is an incredible oversight and one that further underlines and intensifies the stigma this day is supposed to fight against.

More information, including time stamped screen shots of the mentioned pages, is available on our blog at: http://blog.familyofavet.com/2011/06/hello-va-no-mention-of-national-ptsd.html

Family Of a Vet, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping veterans and their families learn how to cope with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), TBI (traumatic brain injury) and life after combat through real-world, plain language education and resources for heroes, families, and communities.
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For more information about this topic or to schedule an interview, please contact Brannan Vines, President and Founder of Family Of a Vet, Inc., by e-mail at Brannan@FamilyOfaVet.com.

Thank you.

Family of a Vet - Life After Combat Radio, Veteran Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 04:36:00 +0000

Family of a Vet - Life After Combat Radio

Family of a Vet - Life After Combat Radio, Veteran Edition with your host, Scott A. Lee the Combat PTSD Blogger, brought to you by FamilyOfaVet.com. Emphasizing the Warrior Perspective on the veteran problem and solution; reintegration issues, social media and advocacy.

For my first edition, Brannan Vines founder of Family of a Vet and I will be discussing the impact of social media in the veterans community.

I started my blog in 2007, about 9 months before Brannan. We began communicating online in 2008 the year her blog came out; we began writing as a way to vent and support one another where no help was to be found. Little did we know we were on the cusp of the public finding out the real veteran story and that we would have a part in it.

Over the years we have banded together to form a Cross-Generational grassroots patchwork of veterans and especially family members, organizing from all wars through the internet.

Hear our story here, on Family of a Vet - Life After Combat Radio, Veteran Edition with your host, Scott A. Lee, Combat PTSD Blogger. Brought to you by FamilyOfaVet.com.

http://familyofavet.com/

Anger Needs a Target: Don't Ask a Vet About Their Medicine During Stressful Events

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 00:11:00 +0000

The other day a friend unknowingly asked me the wrong question during a PTSD moment. "Are you taking your meds?" Asking a Combat PTSD Veteran if they have taken their medicine during times of stress can often be frowned upon by the wary Vet (attempt at humor); not really a good idea. The only thing she did was ask me if I was taking my meds because she could see I was stressed, that's it. But, to the stressed out Combat PTSD Veteran, timing is everything. I needed to counter-reflect in the moment, which I have love to do, to take myself out of being stressed. So I looked at this occasion as am opportunity to teach someone I love about how my mind works.

Her question,

But isn't that a natural question? I know if I don't take mine, I get symptoms.

Me, "Yes, and you shouldn't know that its not a good thing to do ask a vet at that time."

Ok, thanks for letting me know. I'll try to remember that. Can I be honest about my opinion of what you just told me?

Me, "Yes. If I am not mad at you its ok to ask if I am taking my meds, if not then ask the next day."

I don't really think that's fair to just say "don't ask if I am taking my meds" I understand that it can cause a reaction. Of course I don't understand because I haven't been where you have been. But if your friend is showing roller coaster moods it seems like a logical question. I want to understand, but I will never be able to truly truly understand, only one who has lived it can understand.

I can explain to most people what I go through and make them understand for the most part.

Anger needs a target for everyone. Anger heeds a object, for without a quarry there is no anger. If we feel angry then we can usually name who or what has triggered this emotion within us. If not, it can manifest as an internal conflict, thereby creating a problematic environment or situation for the Combat PTSD Veteran. Without realizing this internal conflict we can project this struggle onto others we feel emotionally close, for the dissociative mind can confuse the intimacy with loved ones with the intimacy of war.

Kent School of Social Work Screws Over Combat PTSD Blogger

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 00:16:00 +0000

I went to Walmart about an hour and half ago and about had a meltdown, it surprised the hell out of me. The last time a panic attack threatened to engulf me was a year ago. The latest panic attack TRIGGERED this rant at home on the keyboard; you heard it here first.

WARNING: If you read this article from here on, YOU WILL BE OFFENDED!

A year ago I was screwed by the Raymond A. Kent School of Social Work out of a college degree in social work. This appalling excuse for a Social Work Program screwed a disabled veteran out of a degree. I have the conflicting paperwork that flies in the face of the disgrace they propose to place upon me. I was three months short, after 7 years in college, from graduating with a bachelors in Social Work. Three weeks into my graduating semester they pull me out of class to tell me that I was 10 hours short on my internship. I was to make it up by repeating the whole freaking year again! Yes, you read that right.

Here is the messed up part; I was hospitalized during the hours they were talking about for suicidal ideation. I was going to kill myself or go to the VA, they hospitalized me for 11 days. I have been hospitalized for suicidal ideation and Chronic Combat PTSD four times in the last two years. Guess I wasn't malingering after all! Hey, it's no problem, the VA used to do that all the time. Hell, I'm used to it (dripping in sarcasm - for those U of L "professors" without PhD's).

I missed 10 hours from an internship; my understanding of the situation was the hours would be made up the following semester. I provided the documentation and nothing else was said until the clarification came in the form of my being pulled out of class the following semester, see above if you can't recall. Three women; one an associate dean and the other two "professors" are a part of the University of Louisville in Louisville, KY.

So, I was going to talk about Walmart. Here is the process as I work through the reasons why I should not use what Uncle Sam taught me,

I about had a PTSD moment at Walmart 20 minutes ago, its been a lone time since I had a panic attack. Its a good thing I can recognize them and have the tools to talk myself down from physically removing someone from my personal space.

My thought process; WTF is this guy doing? - Ok, I'm feeling severe anxiety. - OMG, not now. Panic attack, really? - Its been so long since I had... - Ok, you are feeling this. This is not you, you do not have to react. See, he has a small child with him. - He is only being socially rude, maybe he is not aware of it. - It's not worth saying anything just move a little to the right. - Time to go, paid the cashier. - None but me were aware...

Yes, this little mind fuck at Walmart triggered my one year anniversary blues of my U of L experience! A year ago the University of Louisville made a mistake and let me fall between the bureaucratic cracks. I kept everyone in the chain of command at Kent School of Social Work up to date on my mental health. They knew I had Combat PTSD and still worked behind the scenes to derail my chance at a degree, I walk away with a 3.2 GPA. Just recently they sent me a letter saying that they were dismissing me for unprofessional conduct. That conduct? Missing 2 meetings. The mistakes I made was trusting Social Workers at the University of Louisville to make an empathetic decision and not registering with the Disability Resource Center. I would have to say that the University of Louisville has left a bad taste in my mouth for the discipline of Social work.

False Hope and the Combat Veteran in Crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 23:24:00 +0000

False hope for a Combat PTSD Veteran can kill us ~ Combat PTSD Blogger

Caregivers Need to Learn the Signs of Burnout and Secondary PTSD

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 19:49:00 +0000

You are not alone; welcome home to our veteran’s means something more profound then setting foot back on our homeland. For the combat veteran returning from war does not mean it’s a done deal; coming home. I tell a veteran welcome home to honor their continued sacrifice; the visions of war will never leave us and sometimes they swim in a deluge that reigns.

Add to your PTSD Toolbox

The panic attacks you are receiving are an attunement to the survival instinctual part of us; you have been programmed to react rather than rationalize in the moment. The deluge is the snapping in and out of reality; flashbacks, hallucinations, delusional thinking, the extreme dissociative features of Combat PTSD. The symptomology for chronic combat PTSD or Complex PTSD (CPTSD) has many similarities to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

Switching of personalities to suit the situation, thus the veteran will exhibit extreme characteristics not otherwise in line with "person we knew before war" (Dissociation of the Personality in Complex Trauma-Related
Disorders and EMDR: Theoretical Considerations, p. 81-82). In combat we must compartmentalize our spirit or soul, our happiness, compassion, empathy and our humanity. We must demonize our enemy so that we may kill them. Later, coming to terms with taking lives, we trip over our Combat Values Structure; which does not fit in the civilian world. So, we make our home the war zone. Because, believe it or not. We know how to survive in here, outside those doors is a foreign world trying to invade. That's the world you live in now; I see you. You do not have to be ruled by it anymore. You can learn to take care of your veteran AFTER you take care of yourself first!

Go to a retreat for family members, such as When War Comes Home Retreat. There is a way out from under the oppressive emotions that chain us to our past; we survived not because we are weak. God put you on this path. What are you going to do with it?

Go to FamilyofaVet.com to learn more about the symptoms and signs of Secondary PTSD. Family of a Vet and Combat PTSD Blogger are partnering to bring together local resources that may not be available in your area; we aim to become that resource. If you would like to help click the link below and join us.

http://www.familyofavet.com/grassroots_team.html

USA Cares and Mark Wills Crazy Being Home Campaign

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 22:07:00 +0000

USA Cares and Crazy Being Home: A Warrior Treatment Today and USA Cares Program have created an awareness campaign shedding light on the difficulties surrounding our returning veterans and their families. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury have engulfed many veterans lives and we need to take corrective acts to stem the tide of the PTSD/TBI tsunami. This joint venture between Mark Wills and USA Cares is an important milestone in creating awareness.

This video is of Mark Wills' song "Crazy Being Home," it's a tribute to the way the combat veteran feels when coming home and what we may expect to encounter. It captures the emotion and identification we mysterosly seem to lack when we return home. Our ignoracne of this phenomenon can wreck our lives and those around us.

Go to Crazybeinghome.com to sign up to share your story and get your personal URL to spread the message, if your URL has the most hits you win a prize! Share it on Facebook, a personal webpage and on all your social networking sites.

The song immediatly took me back to my war as it was happening; except this time it more of a narrative with you. I can go with it today and learn what nature has to teach me of myself.

Heres where I went as I listened to the song. It immediately took me back to combat, sitting in the sandbox riding the line between boredom and terror. My war was in 1991 to you; for me, its everyday that I fight for your freedom since that day. I signed that blank check the media seems to throw up in our faces when we veterans say something is wrong; I make my daily installments on that debt. I am that crazy veteran with an attitude and I'm looking at you.

"...sadly, fighting a mental battle wasn't covered in basic training..." quoted from this video. God I never thought I would live to be this old, not that I'm old. I'm 43. God, I'm crying. This song it's me, there were no flags or anyone waiting for me when I got off the plane. It hasn't been right since, you would understand if you live where I've been.

It's crazy to crave insanity, it's crazy being home within the battle that is me. Thank you Mark Wills and USA Cares.

Memories, Flashbacks and Dissociation as a Function of Combat PTSD/TBI: Experiential Research

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 22:45:00 +0000

I am a Combat PTSD Veteran of the First Gulf War, I saw hectares of blood stained sands strung as the death clock clicked, chimed and claimed 45,000 lives. I lay witness, on point for the 3rd brigade of the 1st AD and beheld the 20,000 lives my unit snuffed in three bloody campaigns lasting 100 hours. I drove for 172 hours straight without sleeping, yes that's 7 days, on drugs they force me to take. Shamelessly quoting myself :) I wish to dispel the the Jarhead Myth

I can speak on the horrors of flashbacks; memories that materialize and steal my reality to those thousands of enemy soldiers being wiped out in hours; the struggle with dissociative features of Combat PTSD as it threatens to engulf me everyday for the last 20 years. Imagine you are having a happy moment and the next thing you know visions of bodies and carnage engulf your view, confusion rings and the struggle to return to war or remain in the present resounds and sometimes I do not know where I left off or began. So, I pick it up where my slipped consciousness puts me and take my cues from those around me as to the reality of the situation sets in.

Today I understand these moments for what they are, a window into a place I tried to shut off. I have learned that this window, when open needs aired out. So I feel it and go with what nature needs me to understand. To live my purpose is to find a way.

Just percolating an idea for a paper I have 25 days to write, title is solid. Just needs fleshing out now...

Purpose

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 21:31:00 +0000

To live my purpose is to find a way ~ Combat PTSD Blogger

Call for Local Community Organization

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 22:03:00 +0000

If you are a family member of a veteran with Combat PTSD, OR a family member of the fallen. You are welcome here. If you need support, I can assist you in understanding the Combat PTSD Veterans mind and how to communicate with your loved one.

We can do something about how we feel; if you choose too join me to help spread the word. I can put you in touch with an organization in need of your help, your personal experience is important in the healing of our combat veterans and possibly yourself.

The Graffiti of War Project

noreply@blogger.com (Scott A. Lee) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 18:25:00 +0000

Used with permission from http://www.graffitiofwar.com/

Offering a unique perspective, experience the wars through the eyes of those living and dying through these conflicts. Each image represents a moment in time, when an emotion was captured in ink, paint, or pencil, an unconventional historical record of this generation's war. Our Mission is that through sharing these images, we will begin a dialog between soldier and civilian, to bridge this ever-widening divide between our warfighters and civilians. To bring understanding and true empathy of what our military men and women experience during their deployments.

We are collecting these images through submissions to our website, on Facebook and those sent into us via email. This summer, Jaeson "Doc" Parsons is heading to Kuwait and Iraq to document the images on different posts and outposts located across Iraq. Our content and blog, detailing the journey, will be a feature on Maxim.com and in their upcoming "Military" tab.

We will continue to accept images through Facebook and this website until we feel we have accurately and thoroughly collected enough to complete the book, The Graffiti of war. Proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to The Graffiti of War Fouondation as well as organizations supporting our service members and veterans suffering from the silent wounds of war, PTSD.

We have NO political affiliation, NO ulterior agenda other than to ensure our brothers and sisters-in-arms receive the help and support they deserve because of their selfless service to answer the call to arms. They are that 1% and it is our duty as Americans to ensure their health and posterity.

How will our generation of citizens be judged........?

From The Graffiti of War Project http://www.graffitiofwar.com/