PTSDamn

another hard anniversary

2021-03-14T20:13:00.002-05:00

i don't even know how to put this day into words. one year ago today, as things were ramping up with the virus, i left the store on what would be the last "normal" day. it's so strange to remember what that time was like. we all knew things were about to change. the store had a very good week because folks were stocking up on books to read for the inevitable shelter-in-place order. (if only we had known what was coming.)

i got my first COVID symptoms just 5 days later. some of the next days and weeks are hazy at best. i was sick for several weeks. tests were scarce then; i didn't officially test positive until mid-april. businesses in nashville weren't allowed to reopen until mid-may. i had to wait another week or so to get a negative test.

i knew by then that my new landlord was not going to renew my lease and that i had to be out of the store by june 30. i had just 6 weeks to sell what i could and pack and store everything else. i scheduled appointments with regulars and first-timers too. gone were the days of walk-in customers.

the dream of my lifetime was coming to a swift end.

it's impossible to describe what the store meant to me. to walk in there every morning and see the fruits of my labor, to leave every night and say, "goodnight bookshop" like i was talking to a friend, was what i always wanted.

there is nothing like the feeling of having a complete stranger come in and have a good time, compliment the curated selection, the music playlist, the décor, spend a few minutes talking about their favorite book, get a recommendation and buy a few books. that will always be my greatest professional achievement. i don't expect anything to ever rival that feeling. i miss it every day.

i don't know what the future holds for me. i try to be grateful that i got to live my dream for a little while. but today it really hurts.

grace and peace and bookstores forever

the night before

2020-06-29T21:57:00.000-05:00

i'm heartbroken tonight. tomorrow is the last day on the lease for the bookstore. even though the store is closed already i still have a key to the place on my keyring. i still have a few last minute things (2 pictures of wintson-the black dog) on the walls yet to get.

tomorrow i load the last of my stuff and leave my key behind. i'm looking forward to a few weeks of rest and recovery but i dread the emotions to come. i cry at the drop of a hat these days and that's to be expected, i guess.

i dread the inevitable "you'll find something better" comments on my social media posts because i don't want to hear it. why is it so damn hard for people just say, "i'm sorry. this sucks!"? there will never be anything "better" than owning my own bookstore. I may indeed find a great, fulfilling job but it sure as hell won't be "better!"

i can't believe everything got done. when i got there yesterday morning i didn't think there was any possible way. 4 loads yesterday and 3 loads today and it's all but in the books (no pun intended).

it's almost 10:00 pm and i'm headed to bed -about 3 hours earlier than normal. i just need a little rest to face tomorrow.

grace and peace

a dreaded day

2020-06-27T21:13:00.000-05:00

today is the day i've dreaded for days, weeks, months: the day i had to move the contents of my office to a storage unit. the bookstore is almost completely empty now. i have 3 days left on the lease and i'll have to work part of all 3 of those days to get everything done in time. i was blessed today with helpers (in fact, i had more than enough) but i still felt like i was alone.

the problem with not having a business partner, an investor, even a husband, is that i have to suffer these kinds of things - the big stuff - all alone. no matter how many people show up on a day like today, i still have to face it all on my own. i have to sit with all my decisions and all my sadness alone.

(full disclosure: my brother just called to check on me - he helped today. full, full disclosure: i prefer to be alone - i don't mourn that decision.)

anyway, i'm beyond tired and sad. i just want to pile up in bed with my pug and my book and not think for a while.

grace and peace.

a decade beyond

2020-05-02T23:56:00.001-05:00

ten years today since the flood. it feels like a lifetime. it also feels like one continuous event that has a definite beginnning but no discernible end.

in light of the events of the last several weeks i find that some of the anxieties i haven't felt in a while are back: the sensitivity to sirens, the disdain for filling out forms, AKA begging for money, (for unemployment, for a small business loan, for any and all help for which i'm eligible), and an overwhelming agoraphobia.

i've been behind the wheel of my car only 4 times in 6+ weeks. three times i went to my bookstore (1 mile from my home) and once i went to get a COVID-19 test (about 10 miles roundtrip). when i was sick i didn't have the energy to feel my anxiety but now that i'm symptom-free it's here with a vengeance. just in time for this anniversary. ugh. i avoid social media and all local news on this day. it helps. i avoided a breakdown today until the 23rd hour.

at 11:00 pm i happened upon a hill street blues rerun. the music from the opening credits (if you're my age or older you know what i mean!) sent me into an emotional frenzy. once the tears started to flow it took a while to get them to stop.

i'm wrung out. i do my best not to let the day get to me. but my body knows and responds anyway. it's a quarter till midnight. i will watch for the clock to greet may 3 (my best friend's birthday) and i will fall into bed.

grace and peace and more peace, please

positive

2020-04-28T18:36:00.000-05:00

my bookstore has been closed for 6 1/2 weeks but i certainly don't feel like it. i was sick for 4 weeks! (3 of which i had a fever) so that time is just lost. the only way i am sure it's been so long is the state of my bank accounts. after 5 weeks, my unemployment was finally approved. i still haven't been paid yet but i know it's coming. that's something. i'm expecting my stimulus check any day now too. i've applied for tiny small business loans and other resources as well.

no news on when i'll be able to open. we have to have 14 days of declining numbers. as of today i think we are on day 1. (and we aren't testing on tuesdays-just monday, wednesday, friday.) we'll see.

i miss this place but i won't go back until it's safe. it's a lot of stress to know that i have to make this decision. having had the virus, i know how scary and serious it is and i will not put my customers at risk.

each of us is in a tough spot right now and we have to make the best decisions for ourselves, our families and our neighbors. i do feel the added pressure to not make a mistake that affects one of my customers. that last week i was open i felt like i was doing everything right - i cleaned the door handles, the bathroom, the tablet, etc. after every customer left the store and i still contracted the virus.

stay safe, y'all. stay home if you can. wash your hands. wear a mask. we're all in this together.

grace and peace and health

more of the same

2020-03-30T20:38:00.000-05:00

today i don't feel good. i mean, i really don't feel good. i'm not worse i'm just exhausted from the shortness of breath. i feel like my lungs weigh 100 pounds a piece. y'all, this virus is no joke.

i applied for unemployment yesterday. i wasn't sure i would able to since i'm self-employed but these are extraordinary times. i hope that it is approved because i can't live without it. my money is disappearing and i have nothing coming in. i'm quarantined until at least april 8 and there is a mandatory closure of non-essential businesses until april 15. i can't imagine for a minute that the date won't get pushed. we are weeks from the apex of this.

i don't feel well enough to be anxious. all i can do is concentrate on breathing. maybe that's a blessing. i'm unsure about everything right now but i'm not very anxious at the moment. i am, however, anxious about not being anxious. i'm worried that it will blindside me when i finally feel better.

i'm gonna try not to borrow trouble and keep doing what i'm doing. i'm reading a lot of books and watching a lot of movies (and more tv than ever in my life) and listening to a lot of records. i want to write more than i am but i don't really feel well enough to be creative in that way. here's hoping it comes before this is over.

grace and peace

virus from hell

2020-03-26T15:05:00.000-05:00

well, y'all, is this surreal or what? i'm having a hard time getting my mind around it. i've had mild symptoms for about a week now. my doctor's office is confident i have it and that i picked it up at my bookstore. i really only spoke with a doctor because i have asthma and i wanted to be sure that i had a new inhaler handy just in case. he called it in and CVS pharmacy mailed it to me. i'm now quarantined until at least april 7 - which is my birthday.

i'm glad i closed the store when i did. i've been closed since i left there on saturday the 14th. unfortunately i ran a few errands on that weekend, and early last week, to stock up on groceries, etc. i sure hope i didn't make anyone else sick.

i'm anxious about the store being closed and no money coming in. however, for some inexplicable reason, i'm only a little anxious. maybe it's that i'm sick. maybe it's that i can't do one single thing about it. maybe it's that i know that no matter what happens - whether i'm closed a month or whether i never open again - that somehow i will be fine. see, i've survived worse.

so many people are in my boat right now. i am confident that we will pull together and survive this. and there are so many folks who are very sick and dying and so many families who have already lost loved ones that my little bookstore and my chest pain and my shortness of breath seem inconsequential.

i'm angry that people still aren't taking it seriously. i'm angry that huge corporations are putting profits ahead of people. i'm angry that the federal government will bail out the corporations and that most of us will get a $1,200 check...in a few months. how will $1,200 pay for months of my closed store? how will $1,200 help a family who lost one or both incomes for weeks upon weeks. how will $1,200 help most people when it won't even cover one months rent?

ugh...i'm exhausted. take care of yourselves. wash your hands, keep your distance when you have to go out, stay home as much as you can.

grace and peace

disaster relief

2020-03-03T16:13:00.002-06:00

a tornado struck nashville overnight: 22 dead and more missing. i'm feeling a lot today. there is no way to put into words the thoughts and emotions i'm feeling right now but i feel like i should try.

i wish i could say that sadness was the first emotion but it's not. i am sad for the loss of life and for the loss of homes and businesses but i'm mostly anxious! (of course, anxiety is the first emotion i feel on any given day.) anytime a natural disaster hits i feel so bad for the victims because i know what they are feeling right now. i know how scared and sad and exhausted they are. i know they just want to get their hands on their loved ones or one tiny family heirloom and those things might not be possible. might never be possible again. they are, in the next few days, going to begin the long hard road of FEMA applications and hotel rooms, clean-up and recovery, tetanus shots and learning to live with everything in their lives being a replacement for something else. it's devastating. i hope others are better at it than i was/am. i'm still not good at it.

my therapist called and advised that i stay home today. i had to go vote and check on the store (no damage in my neighborhood). i put a sign on the door and came home. i'm mostly anxiously pacing the floor. i will open tomorrow. i will hope to have a plan in place to accept donations.

remember that donations to national charities are important but consider giving to local churches or community organizations. local folks who actually put cash and necessities into the hands of those that need help right here in nashville (instead of the red cross or united way who accept donations in nashville but may send that money out of state to other deserving people but won't go to help your neighbors or neighborhoods).

i apologize for the disjointed nature of this post and some questionable grammar choices but my brain and my fingers aren't working as a team right this minute.

(much needed) grace and peace

the official countdown

2020-02-25T23:30:00.001-06:00

got the official word today that the new owners of the building want to renegotiote a new lease when mine expires in june BUT that my rent will double.

so they (a university-my alma mater) "want" me to stay but they intend to make it impossible to do so. they will, within the next 2 years, tear down this 100 year old building and build shiny, new, soulless, generic buildings in its place but they can't continue to rent to me in the meantime at my current rate? they have to double the rent?

no, they don't have to. they choose to. the university representative said that if i leave they won't rent the space to someone else they will just move in some existing university employees. so it will become office space and they won't make any money at all. still, that's preferable to them than cashing my rent check and keeping an alumna-owned small business on the block.

it's not hard to tell that i'm angry about this. i'm also greif-stricken and anxious about it. i have some time before i have to let them know what i intend to do but there's only one answer: i have to close. there is no way i can pay more. there is no way i can afford rent anywhere else in nashville. so the dream is ending. it's heartbreaking.

i have to stop thinking about it tonight. it's exactly what i knew was going to happen so it's not at all a surprise. it just starts the countdown in an official way. on june 30th...i'm done.

lent begins tomorrow and i haven't spent any time on my plan for observing. some years i give up something. some years i add something. this year i have no idea how to do either and sustain it for 40 days. i'm already overwhelmed.

i'm gonna fall into bed and pray for sleep!

grace and peace

to write or not to write

2020-02-20T23:22:00.001-06:00

these days i can't seem to write anything. i've just managed a handful of blog posts in the first 7 weeks of the year. BUT...i'm trying not to be too hard on myself. i need to write this blog for my sanity and i want to be writing on a fiction piece i've been working on for a while but i'm pretty worn out these days.

the store takes it out of me and my anxiety is very high! this week my therapist told me that i'm the highest functioning agoraphobic she's ever treated. i suppose that's something to be proud of(?)! i am an agoraphobic but i go to the store every day and i talk to strangers all day all the while somewhat terrified of being out of the house. i suppose i'm able to do it because i'm also somewhat terrified of being in the house. (i also have no choice.)

anyway, i'm really going to work on setting aside a few minutes a day to get myself back into the habit of writing. i know it helps. i don't know for sure what my reluctance is other than the general anxiety of recording some of my anxious thoughts on the blog. that, and my general laziness and procrastination when it comes to planning and doing any additional non-bookstore related work. (you should see the state of the house!)

grace and peace and writing

piling on

2020-01-30T23:28:00.001-06:00

i feel like i should write something tonight but i have no idea what to say. i'm overwhelmed. that's all i feel...overwhelmed by everything: life, the bookstore, upcoming choices, the past, my present, the future, grief, hard facts that have to be faced, going through life with a mental illness, looking at everything through the lens of trama and loss.

how would one not feel overwhelmed?

i am, by no means, alone in this. most of these things are faced by an awful lot of people on this green and blue planet hurtling through space. but one thing i really struggle with is that people offer me very little comfort. i'm not a people person. i want a deserted island and the comforts of life but NO people. knowing i'm not alone is, most often, a very cold comfort to me. i wish i were alone...most of the time.

i don't wish i were different in this but i feel like maybe it would be easier at times. community and all that. i know that's what God created us for; it's one of the things i can't wait to ask him about on the new earth. here on this earth i struggle with it so very much.

i'm gonna try to get a little extra rest tonight so i'm headed to bed early (at just after 11:00 - it's very early for me).

grace and peace and rest

lazy sunday

2020-01-19T13:59:00.001-06:00

full disclosure: i had plans to go to church this morning (as i plan to do every sunday morning) and then to attend a meeting at daddy's church-a biblical seminar on grief-at 1:00 BUT all i've done is walk the dog, eat toast for breakfast and finish my re-read of the fourth harry potter book. i've also read my bible study for the day and spent a good deal of time in prayer.

now i'm watching a hockey game while waiting on the titans game to start. i have a full day tomorrow: therapy, haircut, meeting a friend for coffee, grocery store. i'm so exhausted these days that i need one day a week that i don't have to leave the house. when i have no plans on monday i have an easier time getting to church. i'm making it to my wednesday night class without fail but i'm struggling with getting to church sunday mornings. i get home saturday night so stressed out and exhausted that i'm useless until about supper time sunday night (i'm a night-owl).

january at the store has been abysmal. it's wearing on me like it hasn't before. i don't know if it's because, with the sale of the building, i know my days/months are numbered or what but it's killing me. it's obvious that the neighborhood in which i'm located can no long support a bookstore. it's obvious that the new owners of the buiding see no value in a bookstore being there.

it's so hard to know this 100 year old building with so much history - that is so loved by the neighborhood - is going to be destroyed. anyway, i'm angry about it. i'm angry that the city is changing so much. i'm angry that the neighborhood is changing so much. i'm angry at the people who don't come in. i'm angry at the people who do come in, compliment the store in such glowing terms then wish me luck and walk out without buying anything. i'm angry at more than that but you get the drift.

i'm angry and that makes me tired. being angry is so taxing and destructive. i don't want to spend the last few months that i get to live my dream being so angry. i'm trying really hard (hence all my time in prayer) to enjoy the positive things: the genuine interactions, the in depth, nerdy book talks, the compliments, etc. i want to appreciate those while i still have them. i do know that when this is over that those are the things that will comfort me. that those are the things i will look back on in the days and years to come when i tell people about what it was like to own my own piece of heaven - a used bookstore.

grace and peace

my brain feels full

2020-01-07T21:55:00.000-06:00

i'm tired, y'all. very tired. i took 4 days off at new year's but don't feel rested. i opened the bookstore sunday to do inventory and year end paperwork. i was hopeful that since dorms were opening that i would sell some books but that didn't happen. i was so disappointed to see my 2019 sales and final numbers that i was near tears when i left.

i had a good therapy appointment monday morning and a decent day off. i feel a little more settled after a productive day today but i don't know how much more of this i can take. i stopped to pick up dinner on the way home because there is nothing here to eat that i don't have to cook. while waiting i saw a news story about the peril that nashville retail is in. listen, i don't need to see it on the news. i'm living it.

the building sold, my lease is up in june, but i'm not even sure i can make it that long. the stress is likely having some serious negative effects on me. but how would i know? how would i know?

i'm sick at the thought of closing but i know it's my only option. in my best moments i comfort myself by repeating a few things that i know for sure: "it's nothing you did," "you've worked so hard!," "you did a hard thing," "most people never get to live their dream and you did!" in my worst moments it's dark. it's miserable and it's not worth repeating. i'm tired and i'm sad and i'm angry.

i don't know how this ends. anything can happen. i try to just go day to day but i'm really not good at it. i know that i will survive this. i know that i've survived worse. i still want to avoid it. i want to keep my store and avoid the pain and stress of losing it. i want to avoid job interviews and a boss and co-workers. i want to avoid feeling like a failure and starting over... AGAIN. i want to work hard and do a service and be rewarded for it. i don't want to do any of this.

if you pray...pray for me.

grace and peace

so it goes

2020-01-03T00:00:00.001-06:00

the rain continues. here i am...nearly 10 years from the flood and i'm so anxious today because of all the rain i can hardly breathe. it's going to rain all night so that sets me up to have to try and get any sleep possible with music playing (or the tv on) loud enough to keep me from hearing the rain. i like total darkness and quiet at night as i'm already a raging insomniac!

i've grown weary over these last 10 years of trying to explain anxiety to people who think it is controllable or that it is situational. it isn't. yes, there are situations when the acute symptoms present themselves but mostly it is a chronic state of being. the anxiety i feel when it rains hard for long periods of time doesn't happen in isolation. it is added to the underlying, steady anxiety i feel all the time.

it's exhausting.

i have acquired some coping mechanisms over these years and they help. i rarely have a panic attack anymore. that is a blessing. but the point is that the aftermath of trauma is long-lasting for some of us. the calendar has counted off many days since may 2, 2010 but my body and brain spend a lot of time surviving that day. still.

grace and peace

reflection

2020-01-01T01:15:00.000-06:00

as this year/decade comes to a close i realize that i haven't written on this blog in more than a year. it's been a blur. the life of a small business owner, i suppose. december is so busy that christmas comes and goes without my noticing (except that i get a day off on the 25th). so, i didn't even consider that a new year was upon us until i started seeing social media posts about the decade ending.

that's when it hit me - this decade has been a bitch and i'm glad to see it go. but it has also been ten years of...growth...maybe. it begin with me in a job i didn't love but that provided me a good living, i owned a home, had a couple of dogs and a cat. it was okay.

the flood in may of 2010 changed everything - i lost everything. every thing. but the most important thing i lost was me. the trauma changed me. it damaged me. i know now that it also set me free. in the best way it taught me to have no attachment to things but in the worst way it taught me to have no attachment - period.

may-oct 2010 we rebuilt the house. oct. 2010-june 2012 i was nearly paralyzed with anxiety and rarely left the house. in 2011 i lost an aunt to cancer. i started working in june 2012 at a local used bookstore and while i still suffered from severe PTSD i was able to go to work. in 2013 i lost my 3 remaining grandparents and a great-aunt in 7 months. i stayed there until 2014 then went to work at a friend's jewelry store where i learned a lot about sales and business and customer service.

in august 2015 daddy was diagnosed with stage 4 lunch cancer and he died in april of 2016. it was, is and remains the hardest thing i will ever go through. i'd often heard people talk about the "club" you join after losing a parent. i've heard people say you don't really become an adult until you lose a parent. i'm afraid it's true. it's the most untethered to life i've ever felt in a life that has felt full of floating just out of range of most people around me.

almost immediately i opened my first bookstore (daddy never got to see it open but he was there when we painted the walls). upon reflection it's obvious i wasn't capable then of the stamina or drive i needed. it's also obvious that i opened in a neighborhood unprepared to sustain a used bookstore. i was incapable of taking care of myself at the time and stopped paying all my bills and called my mortgage company and told them to take my house. i didn't want it anymore - it had tried to kill me and i wasn't staying there one more night and i wasn't paying one more dime. i was lucky that my mother had inherited a house from her aunt that was sitting empty so i took the dog and 2 cats and moved. i left behind about 3/4 of my meager belongings because i didn't want anything that had ever been inside that house. i eventually filed bankruptcy (on just one credit card a credit union line of credit) to avoid foreclosure. they foreclosed anyway.

the presidential election later that year sent me into months of depression and grief that i had not had time to process. i went to work but i talked to no one. i moved my store to a temporary location in april 2017 for 6 months at the end of my first year-long lease. i worked at the bookstore 1-2 days a week, at the jewelry store a couple of days a week and for a jewelry designer 3 days a week. i moved my house in may 2017. i went to bed each night exhausted, sometimes hungry and always in mourning.

in novemeber 2017 i opened full-time in my permanent bookstore location. my lifelong dream realized! it's been a difficult run. the neighborhood, in fact the city, is changing so fast and all retail is having a hard time adjusting. the retail book business is especially hart-hit. in april 2018 i moved houses again. in april 2019 i lost my perfect, sweet, hilarious pug winston and i wanted to stop. i wanted to refuse to go on. i wanted to shout to the heavens that i'm tired of losing. that last one i did. the others i can't do. that lost was the only of the many losses that made me feel as hopeless and as helpless as the loss of daddy.

just last month the building in which i rent for the bookstore was sold to the university across the street. my days/months are numbered. there isn't any affordable commercial rent in nashville in the areas i could make a go of it. i'm faced with another loss that doesn't feel possible to survive.

i do know that i will survive it because i've survived all the rest but i'm sure beaten down by them. i don't always know what to do with myself over them. i'm not sure why i've suffered so many. i try to repeat to myself a line from M*A*S*H that is 100% true. BJ, in despair over what he's missing with his wife and daughter while away in a war, lashes out at margaret and hawkeye because with them being unmarried they can't understand his pain. margaret says, "maybe you do have the most to lose but that's only because you've got the most."

maybe i've lost so much because i had the most.

this is a long haul; thanks for sticking with me.

grace and peace

a long day

2018-12-05T20:19:00.001-06:00

today has been full of anxiety because of a pair of slippers. let me explain: i went to cvs this morning before work to buy a toothbrush and a couple of other necessities when i made an impulse purchase of a pair of slippers. i've been needing slippers since my old ones bought the farm after years of loyal service. they were on sale at $5.99 from $9.99. i labored over it but i ultimately decided that walking the pug in my socks wasn't going to be okay in a couple of weeks so i put them in my buggy and paid for them all the while suffering heart palpitations and shallow breath.

all day long i kept thinking about returning them because i can't afford $5.99 on a luxury item like slippers. i shed tears over having to let them go but i was ready to take them back because i just couldn't justify the expense. i thought about how different my life is from most people i know. i thought about what it's like to live on a few hundred dollars a month and how far i've learned to stretch a dollar.

when i got home i put them on and decided to take them back. then i decided to keep them. then i walked the pug and now i have to keep them. they are comfortable and warm and worth $5.99 but i still feel crazy over them.

life with anxiety is hard. life for people who are poor is hard. life is hard. be kind.

grace and peace

gratefulness

2018-12-02T23:03:00.002-06:00

i work 6 days a week. monday is my day off. every other monday morning i have a therapy appointment which i need to attend for my sanity. that means i have 2 days a month that a i don't have to set an alarm.

tomorrow is one of those 2 days. yes, i still have to go to the store to take care of the bookstore kitty but i can do that in my pjs. i love to have days in which i don't have to leave the house but i don't get those anymore.

i will keep this up as long as i'm blessed enough to have my own business. and i'll be grateful

grace and peace

happy anniversary to me

2018-11-18T22:52:00.001-06:00

today marks one year that my bookstore has been open at its current location. basically, today is my one-year anniversary because i couldn’t do this full-time until this last move so i consider november 18, 2017 my opening day. it went by uncelebrated and that’s okay because i knew. i didn’t want to plan anything or have an event since it’s a holiday week. i felt sure it would be a slow day and that would just depress me and add to my anxiety and frustration.

i had a good day though. i had gotten in several books as part of a donation that i knew a customer would want to look at. i texted and she came by and made a sizeable purchase. i love doing what i do. i love knowing my customers wants and interests and contacting them when books surface that they will like. i had that happen one other time this past week as well and it reinforced why i do what i do.

the used book business is really hard. i’m in constant competition with big warehouse stores and thrift shops and goodwill but i offer so much more than that. you can’t walk into one of those places and ask for recommendations or spend literally hours talking about literature or politics or family or music or film or God or anything else. i do that all day. i know my customers and i do what i do for them – not just for me.

i don’t know that i will see another anniversary in this business unless something changes. lots of things are happening in the book world and lots of things are happening in nashville. it’s a source of pride for me that the store sustains itself but i must pay myself as well and that’s proving to be much more difficult.

if i’m able to hang on i hope on my 2^nd anniversary then i can have a party!

grace and peace and books

these are the days

2018-11-14T17:25:00.001-06:00

yesterday was a good sales day at the store and that always feels encouraging. unfortunately those days are often followed by days like today - 35 degrees and pouring down rain. it's dead. i've had only a handful of customers and fewer buyers.

i find it hard to reconcile the 2 realities. i'm elated on the good days and downright miserable on the bad days. normal? maybe. exhausting? absolutely.

i love what i do. i love owning my own business. i don't love the stress though. i don't love the uncertainty. i don't handle the ups and downs with much grace.

it's a trial by fire and sometimes i feel singed while other times i feel burned. mostly today i feel tired.

headed out of here in a few minutes to my couch and my pug and my cat.

grace and peace

vote!

2018-11-05T21:12:00.001-06:00

tomorrow we vote. we vote in 435 congressional races, 35 senate races, 36 gubernatorial races and innumerable state races. the very future of our country is in OUR hands. i cannot understand what would make someone choose to not vote. don't feel like your opinion matters? feel like they are all crooks? feel like the decisions they make don't affect your life? make your voice heard by voting for those you feel are most closely aligned to your values.

if you drive on roads, cross bridges, have your money in a bank, have a child in public school, are paying off a school loan, are working for minimum wage, are working in an "at will" state, are getting older, are hoping to retire, are hoping to travel, then the government affects your life. HAVE A SAY IN IT...VOTE!

my grandfather died in defense of this country - how could i possibly stay home? women died to secure my right (less than 100 years ago) - how could i possibly stay home? people marched, fought, were lynched, were shipped to foreign shores, landed on beaches and buried family and friends for my privilege of VOTING - how could i possibly stay home?

VOTE!

grace and peace and VOTE!

lost and found

2018-11-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

for the last 2 days i've been looking everywhere for a notebook with a good deal of research in it for a writing project i've started but have had neglected for a long while. i'm really trying to get back to writing on a regular basis which is why you're hearing from me now.

i've been in a panic about losing months of research when it finally occurred to me this morning while opening the store that the one place i've not looked is in the backseat of my car. i never have anyone back there and my car is a wasteland for stuff i just can't bear to drag into the house. don't judge me: i've moved the store and the house a total of 6 times in the last 2 1/2 years and there're always those last couple of boxes of random stuff that i don't use everyday that i run out of energy to deal with.

when i got home from the store i opened the bag in the floorboard behind the driver's seat and there was the lost notebook with a surge protector and baseball cap. crisis averted!

and the day was a good one in other ways too. an unreal list of my friends came to visit today: ellie, jonathan (my wonderful brother), pattie, rebecca, greta and katie. what a lovely surprise. the sales day was good but not great. my daily need was surpassed but i'm still stressed about the slow overall sales (though the week has been a good one).

to top the day off i talked to my bff in florida and my football and hockey teams both won. if i were a different person i would feel great but i honestly feel anxious about tomorrow because it's not possible to have 2 days like this in a row. isn't that terrible? i should count my blessings and let tomorrow come but i have anxiety and that's hard for me. i always dread the other shoe dropping. it's, no doubt, worse now that i own a business because i'm so aware of how everyday has to go in order to keep the business afloat. ugh. i'm gonna turn this gadget off, say my prayers and read a bit. i'll face tomorrow if i'm blessed enough to get it.

grace and peace

reality

2018-10-03T22:11:00.001-05:00

i don't remember what living without anxiety feels like.

i want to run away and spend all day everyday in art museums and bookstores. but i also want running water and to eat and to have my pug with me all the time. so i have to have a place to live and a job.

i love owning my own business but it's hard work and i'm tired. i also don't remember a time when I wasn't tired.

but what do i say?

2018-09-17T21:53:00.001-05:00

i told my friend daniel that i felt like writing tonight but i have no idea what i want/need to say. his blog is always an inspiration to me but he succeeds where i spin. his writing is focused and mine is a purging. i sit in front of this empty screen and try to give voice to the anxiety in my brain and the way my body fights and/or gives in.

tomorrow marks 10 months the bookstore has been open in the new location. mostly things are great. money is tight. the book business has changed. i'm looking for ways to make more money and stretch the dollars that come in. luckily the store pays for itself - it's paying me that's the current problem. as you can imagine, that fact is not an easy one for someone with, at times, debilitating anxiety.

my brother just called - he helps my anxiety though we had to talk politics. he opened with, "i'm not gonna talk long, but..." because he knows i tend to rant and rave. today and tomorrow are my days off so i hope to enjoy them and rest a little.

grace and peace

what we owe our boys

2018-02-15T12:38:00.002-06:00

reflecting today on what is happening in our society and in our schools. we absolutely have a gun problem in this country. i don't want to write about that today, i've written about that ad nauseam and i've argued it ad nauseam. i want to talk about what we teach to our children (full disclosure - i don't have kids) specifically what we teach our boys.

these schools shooters are almost always boys and almost always white. why is that? what are we teaching (or not teaching) our boys? there seems to be a pattern in the past of these young men - they are almost always obsessed with guns and violent video games, they are almost always bullied in some way, they almost always exhibit violent behavior against women in their lives. likely they seek fame and infamy in a culture where we glorify killers and give hours and days of 24 hour news coverage to these mass murderers.

what i believe is that we teach our boys (systematically and mostly unconsciously) that the world is theirs, that they can be anything and do anything, that girls are objects of their desire and for their pleasure, that they are special, that they are superior, that they are strong, that they are entitled.

what we don't teach them is that they are part of a community of "others," that the world is not solely theirs, that they WILL be disappointed, that they will be broken-hearted, that they will be scared. we call them "sissies" and "pussies" and "wusses" and "girls" when they show emotion or drop a ball or show vulnerability. we tell them they "run like a girl" when they lose. we instill in them that girls are weak and that they should be strong and therefore dominant.

we don't let them be boys, we don't let them figure it out on their own, we don't let them grow, we don't teach them how to be in touch with their emotions. we make them angry, we call them names, we tell them they have to "man up." we ply them with video games in which they earn points for the number of prostitutes they kill (grand theft auto) and then we give them easy and almost unfettered access to guns. what in the world do we think they are going to do? we've given them no coping mechanisms in which to deal with the hard world we all live in. entitlement is a killer. we've seen it 18 times this year alone.

when is the time?

2018-02-15T11:45:00.000-06:00

if now is not the time, when is the time? if it's "too early" to talk about sane gun laws when will it be too late?

NOW IS THE TIME! for many kids there will not be a later time.