public cement

Benefits of older Chicks

2009-11-05T08:17:00.003-08:00

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask
you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is
still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers,
but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man
gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys
to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking
like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of
younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy,
whiny, dependent man.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an
asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in
case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the
two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will
probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when
your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up
and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone,
for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger
woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any
ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have
acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear
underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a
strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger
women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might
possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with
you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12
beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to
grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to
screw you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an
amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her
youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Balls of Shit

2009-11-05T08:17:00.001-08:00

There were five people in the west wing of St. Joseph's. They were
the permanent patients with little or no chance of ever being released
for fear of what might come to the public.

The patient that I am interested in this day is Maximilian. He has
had a terrible habit of rolling his shit up into little balls and
rolling them down the corridor. The nurses and sisters had tried in
vain to have this disgusting habit ceased, but they were trying in
vain. They offered him bribes of all sorts from women visitors to
cigarettes, when one day they hit the nail on the head. "It's
christmas coming up," the sister said, "And I think that you might
like a nice big bag of Fantails."

Max's eyes lit up like the christmas tree in the TV room at the mere
though of chocolate. It had been an O-so-long time since he'd had
Fantails. "You have only to do one thing," the sister continued. "You
must stop this habit of rolling your little balls of shit down the
hallway."

"No problem," Max replied.

For two whole weeks Max never rolled a single ball of shit down the
hallway (or more correctly, never did he roll a ball of shit AND get
caught!) So Christmas day finally came and the lovely nurses and
sisters all chipped in and got Max his nice big box of Fantails.

He was sooo over-joyed at this present that he immediately opened the
box and unwrapped a couple and threw them straight into his mouth.
Wanting to show his appreciation he immediately offered the sisters
and nurses some as well. Maximilian then went to the TV room where he
saw his friends and gave them a couple of Fantails too.

Remembering there was a patient he's never seen at the other end of
the hallway, he went down there and offered him a Fantail as well.

"Get out of here, you bloody moron," came a voice when he entered the
room.

"I just want to give you a Fantail," Max said, so politely and
innocently.

"Well, if they're anything like those malteesers of your, I DON'T WANT
ANY!"

... A mistake is something a virgin and a skydiver can only make once

A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR TODAY'S YOUNG WOMEN

2009-11-05T08:15:00.001-08:00

A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR
TODAY'S YOUNG WOMEN

As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions
concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question
and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've
ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably has a different
ideal of what her own personal Prince Charming should act and look like.
However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion
on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar ...
preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around
watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting -
it's bets to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes
with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older
and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy
him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from
there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try
out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive women?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up
to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be affraid to approach men
on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with
simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an
expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience
a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself pregnant. Ask him
how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand
him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your
relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise.
Married men rarely lie about such important matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarressed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for
the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal
thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can
busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his apartment, or perhaps even
going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important,
studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures
about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if
by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you
should go down on yur knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything
possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment
and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust men or something ?
Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying
him an expensive gift.

Baked Beans

2009-11-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

Baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the
time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning
to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and
let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While
keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

More dead Baby Jokes

2009-11-05T08:13:00.001-08:00

Baby Jokes.
-----------
What's red and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a razor blade.
What's red and sits in a corner? A baby shaving its head with a potato peeler.
What's blue and sits in a corner? A baby playing with a plastic bag.
What's green and sits in a corner? The same baby three weeks later.
What's black and sits in a corner? A baby with it's finger in a power point.
What's more fun than nailing a baby to a wall? Ripping it off again.
What's more fun than spinning a baby on a clothes hoist at 100mph? Stopping it with a cricket bat.
Why did the baby cross the road? It was nailed to the chicken.
What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of marbles? You can't load marbles with a pitchfork.
What's green and spins around at 100mph? A frog in a blender.
What's red and spins around at 100mph? A baby that's crawled in after it.
What's black and spins around slowly? A fetus in a rotisserie.
What do you call two abortions in a bucket? Blood brothers.
What's blue and yellow and floats at the bottom of the pool? A baby with
slashed water-wings.
Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hallway? He had a javelin
through his neck.
What's black and bobs up and down? A baby in a toaster.
What's the difference between an abortion and sand? You can't eat sand.
What's BABYLON? The stuff you spray on babies before you iron them.
What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What squeals and goes around at 100mph? A baby in an electric fan.
What's more fun than a barrel full of dead babies? A barrel full of dead babies with a live one on the bottom trying to get up.
How do you get a baby out of a blender? With a straw.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals? A bus load of babies on fire.
What bounces up and down at 100mph? A baby tied to the back of a truck.
What's brown and gurgles? A baby in a casserole.
What's better than a baby in a bucket? The same baby in two buckets.
What event nearly could have changed the course of history? The dingo of Bethlehem.
What's the best babysitter you can get? A dingo.
How do you bring up a baby? Kick a dingo in the stomach.
Why is it so hard to breed dingoes? It takes 9 months to grow the food.
What's a baby in a pram near Ayres Rock? Meals on Wheels.
What's the definition of revenge? A baby with a dingo in it's mouth.

How to be a Perfect Asian-American Parent (from the second generation perspective)

2009-11-05T08:12:00.001-08:00

How to be a Perfect Asian-American Parent (from the second generation
perspective)

1. Be a little more lenient on the 7PM curfew.
2. Don't ask where the other point went when your child comes home with a
99 course grade on his/her report card.
3. Don't "ai-yoh" loudly at your kid's dress habits.
4. Don't blatantly hint about the merits of Hal-vald (Harvard), Yale-uh
(Yale), Stanfold (Stanford), and Emeh-I-Tee (MIT).
5. Don't reveal all the intimate details of your kid's life to the entire
Asian community.
6. Don't ask your child, "What are you going to do with you life" if
he/she majors in a non-science field.
7. Don't give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.
8. Don't try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor
taste or inept social skills.
9. Incorporate other phrases besides "Did you study yet?" into your daily
conversations with your children.
10. Don't ask all your kid's friends over the age of 21 if they have a
boy/girlfriend yet.

How to Be a Perfect Asian-American Kid (from the first generation perspective)

1. Score 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Have three hobbies: studying, studying, and studying.
5. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship to
pay for it.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential, and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry a Chinese-American doctor and have perfect, successful children.
10. Love to hear stories about your parents' childhood...especially the one
about walking 7 miles to school without shoes.

Are you a Guy (Quiz)

2009-11-05T08:11:00.001-08:00

Are You a Guy?

: Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

: 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
: and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
: intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
: incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
: disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
: hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
: violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

: a. Present it to the president of the United States.
: b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
: c. Take it apart.

: 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
: you miss the most?

: a. Innocence.
: b. Idealism.
: c. Cherry bombs.

: 3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

: a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
: regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
: b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
: c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
: only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
: reasons, you have to have him killed.

: 4. What about hugging another male?

: a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal
: disease.
: b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
: case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
: trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
: c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
: a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear-
: ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with
: your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

: 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

: a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
: b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
: c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
: cancer.

: 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

: a. A cat.
: b. A dog.
: c. A dog that eats cats.

: 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's
: attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
: One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--
: you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when
: she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she
: thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the
: uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She
: says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
: whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.
: What do you say?

: a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
: but you don't want to rush it.
: b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
: cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
: lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
: false hope.
: c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
: and seventeen.

: 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
: want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and
: the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
: adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
: what may. How do you tell her?

: a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
: b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
: name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
: hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
: c. Tell her what?

: 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
: you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
: question to her is:

: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
: b. "They're in school already?"
: c. "There are three of them?"

: 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

: a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
: holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
: intended for your legs.
: b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
: and has to be handled with tweezers.
: c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
: checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
: naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
: discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
: the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
: with her.

: 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
: the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
: forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

: a. He was being tested.
: b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
: they finally got there.
: c. He refused to ask directions.

: 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

: a. Democracy.
: b. Religion.
: c. Remote control.

: How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
: answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
: fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
: the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
: who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

101 ways to say no

2009-11-05T08:08:00.001-08:00

101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.

3 engineers in a car

2009-11-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

[News] 3 Engineers in a Car

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of
the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that
maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes
up with a suggestion.

"Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Lawyer Meets saint Peter

2009-11-05T08:01:00.000-08:00

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

You know you are a net junkie when....

2009-11-04T04:41:00.001-08:00

1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
email on the way back to bed.

2. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 3.0 or higher."

3. You name your child Dotcom.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
your child in the overhead department.

6. You decide to stay in college for an aditional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.

7. You laugh at people with 28.8K modems.

8. You start using smileys in your email mail. :-)

9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You
start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access
number. You try to hum to communicate with their modems....and succeed.

10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

11. You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

12. You start introducing yourself as "John Smith at Hotmail dot Com."

13. All your friends have an @ in their names.

14. Your cat has its own home page.

15. You can't call your mother....she doesn't have a modem.

16. You check your email...It says "no new messages". You check it again.

17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because
they havve neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

19. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

20. You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."

21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

three old men

2009-11-04T04:40:00.000-08:00

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit
there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel
movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I
crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

27 reasons why tacos are better than women

2009-11-04T04:36:00.001-08:00

27 Reasons Why Tacos Are Better Than Women

Tacos won't shave with your razor.
Tacos won't ask, "Is there another taco?"
Tacos won't look through your checkbook.
Tacos don't have cats.
A taco won't mind if you share it with a friend.
A taco never says,
(A) "Is it hard yet?"
(B) "Is it in yet?"
(C) "Have you seen a doctor about that?"
A taco won't tell other tacos about your cucumber.
Tacos don't mind if you eat their friends.
Tacos are ready when you are.
Tacos never ask you to call them in the morning.
With a taco, you never have to say you're sorry.
You don't have to respect tacos in the morning.
You don't have to tell tacos you love them.
Tacos don't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
Tacos don't make you wear a condom.
Tacos are happy to sleep on the wet spot.
Tacos don't get upset if you eat other tacos.
You don't have to hold a taco while it's falling asleep.
Tacos never have headaches.
Tacos don't leave hair in your teeth.
Tacos don't care if you're married.
Tacos never even talk about marriage.
Tacos don't get pregnant.
Tacos don't insist on foreplay.
Tacos don't bite.
You can have your taco as hot as you want it.
Tacos taste good.

Public Cemented Jokes

2009-11-02T14:25:00.001-08:00

cement your joke

promise land

2009-11-02T08:52:00.001-08:00

5000 years ago, Moses said:
Pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
and I'll lead you to the promised land.

5000 years later, Roosevelt said:
Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, and light up a camel,
for this is the promised land.

Today, Reagan will tax your shovel,
sell your camel, kick your ass,
and tell you there is no promised land.

What's the difference in a Texas Oilman & a Pigeon?

2009-11-02T08:51:00.001-08:00

What's the difference in a Texas Oilman & a Pigeon?

The Pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

URINALYSIS

2009-11-02T08:50:00.001-08:00

URINALYSIS
------------
EXITABLE - Rips apart shorts if he can't find it right away.
TOUGH - Bangs dick on side of urinal.
CLEVER - Look, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around. Pisses on
floor.
EFFICIENT - Reads messages while pissing. Pisses on floor.
DIFFERENT - Doesn'care if urinals are in use or not. Pisses in
sink
BUREAUCRAT - Can't piss with out being told when, where, & for
how long.
ABSENT MINDED - Opens vest, Pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
FRIVILOUS - Plays with stream. shoots at flys/gnats.
AGGIE - Leaves with that big mint that someone left in the
urinal.

Why do women sky divers wear tampons?

2009-11-02T08:49:00.001-08:00

Why do women sky divers wear tampons?

So they won't whistle on the way down.

oil well on fire

2009-11-02T08:46:00.001-08:00

This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He
called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them
were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look
at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he
noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose
and asked how much he charged?

Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought,
Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire."

The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire
when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten
Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into
the fire.

All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping
their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!"

After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer
couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled,
"Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?"

Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the
brakes on this truck..."

dividing the sabath

2009-11-02T08:44:00.001-08:00

One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi
were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each
Sabbath.

The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of
the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands
on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."

The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a
circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is
mine and the rest belongs to God."

The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the
money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you
want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......"

Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments

2009-11-02T08:42:00.001-08:00

Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming
down the mountain and the first person he came across was not
Moses. It was a Roman.

He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The Roman
replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill."

The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how
we make our living."

So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a
commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said,
"Thou shalt not steal."

The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God
went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses
with a bunch of little Jews following him.

God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How
much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea
sure, we'll take ten....."

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?

2009-11-02T08:40:00.001-08:00

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?

They're all over here.......

This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation

2009-11-02T08:39:00.001-08:00

This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go
is a beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty
beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as
pretty on South Padre Island."

The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea
this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings
than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal."

Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something
in Texas just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this.
Page 4

Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As
they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan
and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in
Texas?"

The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, "Well no.
But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that
will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....."

Very horny gorilla

2009-11-02T08:37:00.001-08:00

This zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female
gorilla was really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take
care of her.

One day they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who
would "take care of" this female gorilla. They started at $200.00
but got no response. Finally, at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad.

The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he
would do it, but only if they would put a bag over the gorilla's
head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over the gorillas
head and this guy got into the cage.

Well this gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed this guy and
started fucking him every way you could imagine.

They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making
love wildly. All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top
of his voice, "Get it off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped
in the cage and pulled the gorilla off.

The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to get
it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the
bitch!"

Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years

2009-11-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty
years?

One of them dropped a quarter............