Pulling A Blyleven

A Thing I Made

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 21:08:00 +0000

I found this in my photos doing some computer cleaning. This is an original 'Shop (this is slang for Photoshop, not Stop and Shop, Shop Til You Drop, or Kelly Shoppach). I present: Mauer throwing a Hadoken (I used to have the free time to do this kinda stuff?)

I... I think it's a metaphor?

What....

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 19:14:00 +0000

WHAT EVEN IS THIS THING?!

I Will Tell You A Thing About A Guy

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 16:52:00 +0000

We all live our lives with certain universal truths that shape our worldview, conduct our conduct, and produce our everyday lives.

Here's one of mine: Until proven otherwise, anybody could be a robot.

Like Nick Punto:

Turbo boost?
Good handling around the corners?
A lot of power in such a small machine?

NICK PUNTO IS REALLY THE FIAT PUNTO.

NICK PUNTO CRAZINESS

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 04:27:00 +0000

Developing... tomorrow... Nick Punto day. It'll be the snOMGpocageddon of the Midatlantic times infinity Rick Reeds in terms of ferocity.

Just kidding! Nick Punto is really the one day a year in which you're allowed to tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt. Take advantage, gents!

(Just kidding about the kidding!) MEET ME BACK HERE TOMORROW.

We Have Arrived

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:53:00 +0000

Readers guess what?

We are on the Twitter! Yes! It's HERE

Why is the username "PABlyleven"? Because of a dearth of available characters for screen names! We needed one more, and this, this will be the death of Twitter.

Until then we envision twatting tweets at members of the MNTwins that are mostly absurd, like @thisisdspan Your batting stance gaze is chilling. Do you do it at the ATM?

And then he will say who are these idiots.

And then people will stop with this whole thing.

The death of Twitter is imminent.

The AL Central Must Be Defended

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:59:00 +0000

PREGAME

WV should be here, oh, whenever, and you'll have to apologize for the title of the post. I'm taking a whole class on Foucault (I know, I know, my fault), so I'm being unnecessarily punny. I can't help it though - I'm a worked up hot mess about this business.

I'm already missing Dick and Bert. Who are these guys?

Pulling a Blyleven, Inc., LLC, &co. presents its starting roster:

RK: At the helm at your home of the #5 Hokies
WV: From the Palo Alto archipelago
TB: Straight outta GF, straight outta hell
KK and DK: Homerdome on-site correspondants

WV: The AL Central is here to save the world from According to Jim reruns.

TB: Or I guess I could be sitting next to Chip Caray.

RK: It could be worse.

TOP 1ST

RK: I now see the divine logic of the NFL for tiebreakers. 11-7 v. Det should be enough!

TB: It seems so

WV: Ah, but that doesn't sell 58,000 extra tickets

RK: Oh good, Green Day is the pump up song. It's like 1994 again, sans entire albums about er, self-abuse

TB: 1994. So that's where the purple suit came from.

WV: So what's the most absurd thing regarding Craig Sager's appearance? The tie? The suit? The toupee?

RK: Oh so THAT'S what happens when you gaze into the abyss. Wait, is that the kind of absurd we're talking about here?

TB: Craig Sager's toupee < Anthony LaPanta's toupee

WV: I suppose, RK, that we could compare Craig Sager and that kind of abyss to Camus and The Rebel

RK: He's the ignoble assassin

WV: But mostly we could just compare him to a moo cow.

RK: I feel like, at this point, everybody who is watching understands the "win or go home" thing

TB: I dunno, there's quite a few people currently wondering why "King of Queens" isn't on right now.

RK: Hey, meningitis struck out!

WV: We've been hearing that win or go home mantra for a month.

RK: And so the Twins would say "OK let's go home" but Detroit just refused to win

WV: The metrodome is probably one of the few places left that let Leyland light up inside. It actually improves the smell.

RK: But only during the bottom halves of the innings since that's when the fans are on

WV: I see what you did there.

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Dash Bennett is doing a liveblog at deadspin. Ours is better

TB: It's true. I'm also following Aaron Gleeman's liveblog, but yeah, find me another liveblog with the awesomeness of ours.

RK: I bet they didn't mention Foucault and French existential thought in the span of 10 minutes

WV: Deadspin is doing a live blog? Weren't they tired of saying how useless and anti-climactic this game was?

TB: Nope

RK: Also Aaron Gleeman sucks. Stands repeating

RK: I can nearly count on two hands the number of times Gleeman has proclaimed this team finished.

TB: Bt dubs, Porcello has his Blackburn beard thing goin' on

WV: It's been a while since we've seen a sinkerballer whose balls sink here at the dome.

RK: I'm calling a shot from Mauer

WV: Without Bert around, we'll have to do these calls ourselves.

RK: Fuck it, we'll do it live!

WV: You meant hit it out...of the infield, right?

RK: Eh, close enough to say I was right. You're welcome, meaningless universe

TB: That'd be a home run at Coors Field. Just saying.

RK: Now they have that fancy humidor system

RK: Damn, a matter of inches

WV: Rarely does fisting result in a good outcome.

TOP 2ND

WV: If TBS can sponsor avocados, can Fox News sponsor sour grapes?

RK: I am really confused about what you just said. I was watching a colonoscopy commercial

TB: "Fieldin." Best baseball umpire name, ever

RK: Yeah, Cabrera's been consistent...ly gaining weight

WV: He learned how to smack things from his wife.

TB: Cabrera would have been scratched right off the basepaths.

RK: So this is one of those tense moments where nobody says anything huh?

WV: Remember what I said about fisting?

RK: I try not to

TB: Shoulda used Gomez today...Span woulda had that. But i guess we're still okay

RK: Also true that Kubel has been swinging a hot bat as of late... Well, turnabout is fair play

TB: Exxxxhale.

RK: I was waiting to

WV: That sounds like a song by Destiny's Child

RK: Or a film with Angela Basset!

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I'm not sure Dlmon has ever gotten an ovation.

WV: Porcello has been possessed by Verlander.

TOP 3RD

RK: You guys are lucky, I get nothing but McDonnell/Deeds ads

TB: Uhhh...I'm stuck with local Grand Forks commercials advertising ways that college students can essentially sell their bodies for medicine.

WV: Figures, TBS-W thinks that all we eat out here are avocados. Well they forgot about sprouts!

RK: Hahaha, an 11 inning scoreless streak in play-in games. STATS

RK: Sometimes I forget about Dre, I have to admit

WV: Scheduling this game in the middle of the afternoon is asking for roof problems.

TB: The Tigers haven't won a tiebreaker, ever.

WV: Ron Darling > Harold Reynolds?

RK: Ron Burgundy > Ron Darling?

WV: This strikezone is the size of a mitochondria

RK: Yeah, if it stays this squeezed, we may see a Rocket Bats appearance

TB: Gah.

RK: The almost-double play looms large

WV: Well, you'd like to think we wouldn't push this play-in game streak to 18 innings...right?

RK: Looks like they are indeed attempting this

TB: ROCKET BATS

WV: RK, your rocket bats comment was prescient.

WV: On the plus side, the fans can take their homer hankies, dress up as Emiliano Zapata, and rob banks after the game.

RK: As is their wont!

BOTTOM 3RD, MOTOR CITY KITTIES UP 3-0

WV: They have cut Sager out of the show, they found the only extant picture of him looking presentable.

RK: Now that almost-double play looms extremely large

TB: I wish I could watch an entire baseball game seeing everything like it is on a Charles Schwab commercial

RK: I think that first pitch to Toblerone was a ball when Baker threw it

WV: Hey did you guys know that the Twins do the little things well. They put their pants on one leg at a time.

RK: They catch the ball. Nobody else does

RK: D-Span just cold goin' the other way

TB: I guess that kinda works

WV: Little things

RK: I will again call a shot

WV: LITTLE THINGS

RK: Hey thanks mushroom man!

TB: Pickoffs really taking their toll, Bert

RK: Man I could go for a nice grilled Porcello on my cheeseburger. It adds a good meaty texture!

TB: As Morse once said, nay, chanted: -- ...- .--.

RK: Hm, ditted? Dah'd?

TB: It's time for a Kubelution!

RK: Gah that was his pitch

WV: My thoughts exactly.

TOP 4TH, DET 3 MIN 1

TB: The Twins have not scored an earned run in 12 innings of tiebreaker baseball...Stats!

RK: Tyler Hansborough: very surprised by everything

TB: Hansborough? Isn't that that UNC guy?

RK: And now spokehuman for AT&T

TB: Ohhh. I missed the connection there.

RK: It's OK, AT&T misses connections all the time

TB: Whoever said they had the fewest dropped calls obviously never came to Grand Forks

RK: I think a lot of people can say that

RK: Oh God Bobby Keppel is warming up

TB: Are they giving up? Seriously? Bobby Keppel?

WV: I wish AT&T had dropped that call to the bullpen.

TB: O rly? He's not going to get those calls? Because Mushroom is

RK: I'm surprised Baker's S/B ratio is so good considering the strike zone

WV: Popped up to the Vikings end zone.

RK: Aw, now I'm getting nostalgic for Daunte Culpepper

TB: Warren Moon? Anybody? Anybody?

TB: Again with the fisting

RK: Baker may have just bought himself the 5th inning

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

WV: I think I know what is on Chip Caray's mind

RK: Bare-knuckled fisticuffs, right? With swarthy mustachio'd Irishmen

RK: Oh that is bullshit with the strike zone. That was not a strike for Baker

WV: So was it still an unearned run if the pitcher made the error? STATS

WV: Giada would make a mean risotto with this guy.

RK: Now would be a great time for Leviathan to rise up and use his sovereign power

TB: Yikes. Very uninspiring 2 at bats for him.

RK: Or wait until he hears the ball hit the catcher's mitt before he swings

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: Huh, you weren't bullshitting about the avocado commercials. I think they sell themselves, but what do I know?

TB: *Token spoon bridge shot*

RK: If people get really adventurous they could go get a shot of the Prairie Chicken in Rothsay. They are the "Minnesota" Twins after all

TB: Or the twine ball in Darwin. But I suppose the biggest spectacle in Minnesota is already at the game and batting third for us.

WV: Why not find an ethanol plant? Or a soy bean field?

RK: I need Dick Bremer to tell me how to explore Minnesota

RK: OK, here's the thing: the Tigers advancing won't do anything for the city of Detroit. You know what would really make them happy again? Jobs.

WV: "I can't take my kid with the swine flu to the doctor, but hey, the Yankees are beating us 15 to 2!"

TB: text from DK: "Love is on life support" Prevailing winds indicate he is a bit too pessimistic

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: I will feel better if the bottom of the lineup doesn't make two quick outs

WV: I guess Tolbert feels a real sympathy for the Saturn division of General Motors.

RK: Now I share DK's sensibilities

RK: The silver lining I see now is that Mushroom won't go much longer, and it looks like Minder, who the Twins have owned, would come in

TOP 6TH, SAME

WV: Nice turtleneck sport coat combo, Dombrowski. And no, we don't serve escargot and moules frittes at the Metrodome.

TB: Bean him

WV: Yes, let's bring in Mrs. Cabrera to pitch

WV: If Baker goes 6 innings, gives up 3 runs, that's not horrible.

TB: We've done worse

RK: In fact, I believe that's the minimum qualification for a quality start

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

WV: Well I'll take a cue from Karl Popper and state my belief in the indeterminate nature of history.

RK: I can't get over that avocados are bringing us baseball. Thank you avocados!

WV: Avocados suffer from Daniel Radcliffe syndrome (being known for only one role)

RK: Right, getting naked with a horse

WV: Well if all goes to plan these same 3 hitters will be up again in the 9th, meaning Rodney has an excellent chance at blowing a save.

RK: It's a gameplan!

TB: Mauer's new first name is Bubbles

WV: Bubbles Hargrave was ironically known for his chewing tobacco habit

TB: KUBELUTION!

RK: The Rubik's Kubel is solved!

WV: "Hello? Yes, this is the arbitration office. What, you want 2 million more?"

RK: Don't worry though guys, the 14 inning triple-less streak in play-ins is still intact. STATS

WV: Baker doesn't often see this kind of excitement around Rivendell.

RK: He must have gotten some fresh lemnas for these later innings

RK: I feel strangely at ease with Dlmon coming to the plate

TB: A home run here would take the bad taste of the Bartlett trade away forever.

WV: The Pear King leaves a bitter aftertaste.

RK: Too bad his last name isn't Bosc, it would be even more true

WV: I know, and just imagine if Garza were Matt West Bank

WV: I sense a Dlmon first pitch swing coming on based on those stats

RK: Well well, Mr. V

WV: Granderson kind of has the Kubel bumble bee thing going on this week.

TB: Called it.

RK: Yeah, but Morales still would have managed to swing late on that

WV: OK, someone throw behind Neverhit!

TB: 150% improvement

WV: The only downside is that now Tolbert has to hit.

TB:C'mon Tolbert do something awesome

RK: Heh, Ron Mahay was content to just sit there. Awesome

WV: NO SUICIDE SQUEEZES

RK: Well shit

TOP 7TH, LOS TIGRES UP 1

TB: Holy shit, how many TBS viewers have ED / prostate problems?

RK: THAT WAS A STRIKE

TB: That no talent ass-clown

RK: Well this trip down memory lane was fun

TB: That should be playing in the Twins dugout right now.

WV: Anyone who has a large tattoo on their neck is at least 45% insane.

TB: Sweet revenge. "A big acquisition." I see what you did there Clay

RK: But he said no pun intended!

WV: Look at the "span" he covered, no pun intended. Ha, beat you to it Clay.

TB: Speaking of insane

RK: Dlmon probably whipped him with a sock full of soap bars around the fleshy middle, so it should be fine

RK: Katie, facebook is unreliable, unless you want to know when people a) get up, b) go to bed, c) take a nap, or d) get all deep by updating with a "." Steve Paleshuski is.

WV: I like how he went inside there, even if he didn't mean to.

TB: Uhhhhhh

WV: Your mom has a really strict tight zone.

RK: I don't imagine Gardy will let Mijares face anybody else

WV: Nope

TB: Can't call that a ball!

RK: Dag Hammarskjold! I'm impressed!

WV: The guys at TBS are renaissance men.

RK: "Managing the 7th inning like it was the 9th." I don't think he's bringing in Joe Nathan

WV: If they'd done any research they'd know how routine this was.

WV: "T Mobile, we're trying our darndest to copy the iPhone!"

TB: I'm going to call this a pretty important at-bat.

WV: I wish they'd show the "inherited runners allowed to score" stat when they brought these guys in.

RK: Between Raucous and Gruyere's W-L, the Twins are due to score some runs in the bottom

WV: You know you're worthless when the Pirates put you on waivers instead of trading you.

TB: Fisted to short! ALL RIGHT!

RK: Fisting all night for everyone!

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

RK: I thought that 1-1 was going to be called a strike, which would have been bad because then I would have had to chew through my teevee

TB: Look at it this way, even if we were to lose, at least we wouldn't have to play on TBS again

WV: So do you sac bunt here?

RK: I say hit and run

TB: I think Span needs to get on here.

WV: Wow how was that a strike.

RK: Anger salad is mixing

WV: GET OUT

RK: FUCK YES

TB: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

RK: I cant feel my fingers

WV: If the kittens end up losing Miguel Cabrera better wear a catchers mask home.

WV: RK, your take on the vultures coming in assuring runs in the bottom half was, again, prescient

RK: Do it again, Kubel! Like an underrated Alice in Chains song.

TB: We are the knights who sayyyy... NI!

WV: Hahaha, I was just thinking of where to go with that

TB: Ya gotta think Cuddy gets a hit here.

WV: He certainly just swung like he wanted a hit.

TOP 8TH, TWINS ARE SOMEHOW UP 1

RK: If I had high blood pressure I'd be dead right now

TB: Gulp

RK: Those belt high breaking balls are rarely a good idea

WV: This may be selective recollection, but hasn't Guerrier given up a few lead off dingers in the last month?

WV: Well it's only fitting that we have to lose a lead in order to win later.

RK: It's just too bad the bottom of the lineup is coming up

TB: Hey, if they each had one more, they'd be tied!

WV: Whoever forgot to turn the fans off is so fired.

TB: If I'm Rick Anderson, I'm just walking out there, punching Guerrier in the nose, and walking back

RK: He probably said, "You're a fine, cave-aged cheese, gruyere. Hard to melt down, so stop it"

TB: C'mon Nathan earn your paycheck

RK: He's too old for this

TB: I thought for sure the ump was gonna call that a ball

TB: SIT DOWN BITCH

RK: He is still the Nathanest of Joes

BOTTOM 8TH, TIED AT 4

RK: I'm just hoping they turn the lineup over here

WV: Ugh

RK: Couldn't even do that

TOP 9TH, SAME

TB: Hey fans! Who cares about baseball? George Lopez is coming to TBS!

RK: That was unfortunate

TB: This is not great

RK: Oh Jesus

WV: Granderson owns Nathan.

RK: One of those unexplainable things I guess

WV: But if anyone can reel off a couple of strikeouts, it's Joe. Mauer or Nathan. Because Mauer can do EVERYTHING

WV: That guy was totally using this tense moment to cop a feel.

RK: Haha, Polanco kicked at that ball

WV: They should get the scoreboard operator to put up a 5 for the Twins so Nathan thinks it's a save situation.

RK: I'm just praying to the baseball gods for a GIDP

WV: THERE IT IS

TB: YES!

RK: ....or LIDP

BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED

WV: Bonus: Neverhit is now in the game. Hey have you guys heard that George Lopez has a new show?

TB: ESPN Gamecast just went from Predicted Winner: DET (69%) to Predicted Winner: MIN (66%).

WV: Haha

WV: Punto tries to bunt, feels the pressure to slide into first base before the season is over.

RK: Katie: No.

WV: Wow a reference to the Ft. Myers Miracle, someone did their homework!! The Twins have a minor league affiliate named the Snappers, will they crawl their way to the finish line???

RK: LNP, you little bastard!

TB: I'm calling a triple

WV: Bert somewhere mutters, "that's how you stay within yourself!"

RK: And then, "Nick Punto, not doing too much, just trying to get on base"

WV: It would only be right if O.C. hit a walk off, just sayin'.

RK: Fitting: Tony Orlando versus an Abba song

WV: And thank you, again, T Mobile for sticking Cat Stevens in my head for the rest of the day.

RK: I think you mean Yusef Islam

WV: Sigh. If only this were the conclusion of an episode of Extras.

TB: Ho boy

WV: It's, uh, a game of Inges.

RK: Who else would you rather see at the plate than Joe Mauer?

WV: Ulger would've held him

TB: Bahahaha. Gomez.

WV: Not to be myopic, but this Johan trade can still work out for us!!

TB: This oughta be good

TOP 10TH, SAME

RK: Who pitches here? Mahay?

TB: Crain?

RK: KK says Crain

TB: He's our best option I think

RK: Be the whooping Crain, Jesse

TB: Gots ta keep the ball down, Crainadia.

WV: the Metrodome refuses to die.

RK: It is many; it is legion

TB: Instead we're going to give our fans heart attacks and kill them

WV: 1-2-3 innings are so passé.

RK: A less panic-inducing double play would be much appreciated

WV: And boom goes the dynamite. Whatever happens, Crain's resurgence makes me feel better about the pen next year.

TB: What's wrong with that one?

WV: I have no clue

RK: Oh god.

WV: And as we have now seen, and 0-2 count would've changed things considerably.

BOTTOM 10TH, TIGERS UP 1

WV: Cuddy, Dlmon and Harris are up?

TB: Yeah, I like this

RK: NO WAY

TB: Hooooooly shiiiiiiit

WV: Cuddy is definitely too old for this shit.

RK: Shades of Hunter in 06

WV: Indeed

TB: And it has come to this

WV: Grrrrrr

TB: Suicide squeeze? No. How much does it hurt to not have Crede now?

WV: Remember when Cuddy was thrown out at the plate last year? Me too.

WV: Who is left on the bench?

RK: Sand Castle

WV: I guess you keep Tolbert with his speed.

TB: Yeah, but think about Punto's at bat...

WV: Double steal!

RK: I like it!

WV: Man, this is bad.

TB: No me gusta

RK: ME GUSTA

WV: I take everything back. Me gusta muchísimo compadres.

TB: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE

WV: Talk about ambivalence, this comes down to Punto.

RK: Just get it to the outfield Nicky

WV: I want Detroit's long nightmare to continue!

RK: Let Inge heal his knees up!

WV: I want unemployed auto workers to cry into their coors lite!

RK: I like my Japanese car!

WV: Oh fuck me.

RK: I hope it's a team full of ballplayers, guy I don't care about. Better than a team full of cats

WV: Good slide nonetheless

TOP 11TH, TIED

TB: I...I don't know if I can take more of this

WV: My heart is begging for this to end

WV: Casilla was safe by the way

RK: Pretty close, and the ball beat him, so there you go

WV: Yeah it's not often that you'll be called safe when that happens.

TB: More baseball...unbelievable

WV: Is Bill Murray in the building? Because this feels like a sequel to Groundhog Day.

WV: Haha, someone on another chat just suggested they take the best 25 players from both teams and have the Twigers play the Yankees

WV: Well in other news, the Dow was up 130 points today. Yay! The recession's over! But don't tell the city of Detroit.

RK: It's still so cold in the D

WV: If you're Mahay, how must it feel to be in the thick of a playoff chase after being with the Royals a month ago?

RK: If you're pitching like that, pretty damn good

TB: Keppel?

WV: Yessir

WV: Beyond the starters, Liriano is the only one left right?

TB: Well, Gabino

WV: Ah, forgot about that guy. He himself probably forgot he was playing for the Twins.

TB: And Shipman

WV: If this were the Sopranos finale the screen would've gone blank right after Punto hit the ball last inning.

RK: And then you think OK the members only jacket guy shot him. Clearly. Right through the onion rings - holy hell, did Keppel touch 95? He's never done that

WV: Come on!

BOTTOM 11TH, SAME

RK: How happy are the Yankees right now?

TB: Happy that either team will have to pitch position players tomorrow? I'd say really happy.

RK: WV, you are prescient indeed - the dome is playing "Don't Stop Believin'"

WV: It was only a matter of time.

TB: Sigh

WV: Yeah my thoughts exactly

TB: I don't even think I can fathom the idea that O-Cab's home run was in the same game as this.

WV: Amazing that Cabrera nearly gets thrown out and TBS doesn't pull out its strike meter

TB: Mauer

RK: Might have been right? That was a ball all night for Baker

TOP 12, SAME

RK: So this is dangerous. Mag and Mig are up

WV: And most importantly, Keppel is still in.

RK: Haha I'm a liar

RK: "Sleep when... the season's over." Good save; there are kids watching!

WV: Keppel is keeping it down, so that's a good sign.

RK: Keppel's throwing the hardest he ever has in his adult life. Which is good; now is the time for that

WV: Since we have to speak for Bert: "He's throwing through the ball."

RK: "He's just gotta trust his stuff and keep it down and in; make Cabrera put it in play"

TB: Wow, I just heard Bert say that

RK: Our profession is a vocation

WV: Alright, fine, better than an extra base hit.

RK: Haha, Katie, they'll do their drinking on the plane out of tiny bottles!

WV: Ron Coomer, meanwhile, is at Wisconsin Dells eating a hot dog on a water slide.

RK: Roy Smalley is putting on his third mud mask with cucumber eye slices

RK: A Kevin Slowey sighting!

WV: Oh fuck

RK: Oh Delmon. Oh Delmon. Delmon Delmon Delmon

WV: Walk?

RK: May as well

TB: Yeah

RK: (People were saying things but I kinda blacked out)

BOTTOM 12TH, SAME

TB: CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY CUDDY.

WV: Goodness gracious.

TB: buuut first, Carlos Gomez

WV: I mean, Rodney is pitching his 3rd inning. This can't continue.

TB: Okay okay okay okay Gomez on first

WV: Yay Santana trade! DON'T STEAL

TB: dlmn?

WV: Well, there's a first for everything. Casilla has 1 game winning single this year, just sayin'

TB: And one pretty important one last year...but memory is a bit fuzzy

WV: Red Sox right? Oh no that was Mike Lamb

TB: Marineros this year and Bitch Sox last year

WV: FUCK YEAH

LDJALKDJ

THE PRODIGAL SON RETURNS

TB: Uhh...hey look, we won

POSTGAME

I got nothing. I hope it is also with a similarly empty head that the Twins play tomorrow in the Bronx. Everybody's 0-0 now.

The one time "El Niño" isn't referring to straight-line winds

noreply@blogger.com (WV) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:17:00 +0000

Miguel Ángel Sano to sign with Twins

Oh Hi Evening Game

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 22:59:00 +0000

PREGAME

Tonight's post title is from the cosmically bad 2005 film "The Room." Go ahead and watch what happens when a dude gets 6 million to make a film just because. WV might be stopping by tonight, so who knows? If anybody here wants to write a 2 page reaction to Foucault's "Abnormal" series of lectures at the College de France - feel free. OK we're good. Any other responsibilities I can dump on you people? No? Let's begin.

TOP 1ST

Just glad we have Dick and Bert again for the night game.

God Verlander is a good pitcher. Seriously. Would you not want this guy on your team?

Hey Ordonez still plays for the Tigers huh?

There's that commercial again that assumes the Tigers will be in the playoffs! Oh, Cassandra, your wise voice so oft ignored.

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Dunston checks in looking OK so far... well for all of 1 batter

WV: If Verlander is like the hot cheerleader, Dunston is the farm girl with wide hips perfect for child bearing.

RK: Which is necessary for social reproduction of labor

WV: If Polanco were on our team, he'd be in a distant third behind Casilla and Gomez for thickest goatee.

RK: D-Span caught that like college kids are catching Swine Flu

RK: ... Meaning of course, sexily

TOP 2ND

WV: At Leland Stanford Jr. University we have a first week tradition where the seniors make out with the freshman on the quad. It was somewhat toned down this year.

RK: At Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University there's a first week tradition where everybody gets blind drunk, and that tradition continues for the rest of the year

RK: Verlander touches 97 like it's nothing

WV: That guy in the stands wearing the Jeremy Bonderman jersey must be lonely.

RK: His buddy with the Mike Maroth jersey couldn't make it

WV: That's bad karma, I'm surprised they let him in.

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I don't think that Verlander has thrown anything besides a fastball yet.

RK: Why would you? He's blowing it by them

WV: Well, as Derek Zoolander would say, there's more to life than being hot. He was being sarcastic of course.

RK: Iceman! Spleets!

RK: Well shit.

WV: That was like batting practice. Well the joke is still on Detroit because to get Cabrera they had to take Dontrelle Willis too.

RK: Scott Baker should be taking notes about how to avoid the big inning

WV: Give 'em an Inge, they hit into a double play.

RK: This could be the result of a Miner flaw they had last game

TOP 3RD, TIGERS UP 1

WV: Well, we play best when Detroit jumps out to a 1-0 lead.

RK: The Dutchman is pitching well though

RK: See that wasn't even fair what he did to Punto

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

WV: It's a shame we can't bring the roof of the dome with us on roadtrips.

RK: So how about a 30 minute rain delay?

WV: I just discovered why the Wii's blue light randomly comes on from time to time. I say this to you nintendo: I'll download your system update when I damn well feel like it

RK: Yeah, don't cave to the New World Order of unified world government

WV: Hmmm

RK: Oh dear.

WV: So how about winning the next 2?

RK: The game is still young.

TOP 4TH, TIGERS UP 3-0

RK: You know it's been a while since Kubel pounded one... but that'll work too, I guess. Boy, not a lot going on there worth typing about.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

WV: Shit, would you believe a double?

RK: And then an infield hit?

WV: Well, when you get down to it, we're starting some guy named Duensing against Justin Verlander. Maybe if we put in Keppel now he won't start on Friday.

RK: Then it would fall to Manship or Liriano and there's your problem

WV: You just grab life by the throat and shake it like a bartender mixing a martini.

RK: Dodge!

RK: Let's see some of that offensive prowess you had last year, Neverhit

WV: If he squeezes his eyes shut and swings with total abandon, he might just hit a shallow pop fly to the outfield.

RK: Pretty close!

TOP 5TH, SAME

WV: But let me ask you this: Do you have what it takes to be an umpire?

RK: I'm not going to Compton to find out!

WV: Because if you go to that camp, they teach you to dodge fastballs by sending you into Compton wearing a red uniform.

RK: Oh I thought I was watching a show about catching big fish, but really it was just Delmon Young flailing at the plate

WV: As frustrating as this is, it's rather entertaining watching this guy pitch.

RK: I know, this guy is a hell of a pitcher, period

BOTTOM 5T, SAME

WV: I am intrigued by the role that balance balls play in umpiring a major league baseball game.

RK: I'd file it under one of those "oh shit we're charging them a bunch of money we have to make them do something"

RK: Adding and subtracting Bert - I get it

WV: Yeah he's really hammering that home tonight.

RK: Hey didn't Gardy look like a ray of sunshine there popping out of the dugout

WV: Ok then.

RK: Game... is still... young?

WV: You have to expect that Keppel will give up a couple of runs just to warm up, he'll be fine now.

RK: So long as it's out of his system

TOP 6TH, TIGERS UP A MILLION

RK: The 6th inning magic that I may be making up should make an appearance

RK: Span the Bran Muffin got lucky there, just cold goin' for two.

WV: Well, it's either this or Ace of Cakes, so I'm going to keep watching Verlander strike us out.

RK: It's time for Mauer to get a hit today

RK: How is this freak of nature hitting 98 in the 6th?

WV: I got a generic bake and rise pizza for dinner, so no matter what happens today there will be a silver lining. Prettay pret-tay pretty good

RK: That's how I feel every day with my Magic Bullet blender. I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to make pizza with it

WV: Oh for sure

RK: Not gonna lie though; the juicer sucks

WV: Who drinks juice anyway

RK: Not I, Caesar

WV: I imagine Leyland will let Verlander throw 150 pitches tonight.

RK: Oh yeah for sure

BOTTOM 6TH, 5-2 LOS TIGRES

WV: Well, if you think of it as 3-0, it doesn't seem so terrible.

RK: Right, but they can't give up any more either

WV: Bert just had to get his spanglish-ized pronunciation of Nick Punto into the broadcast

RK: He heard a soccer announcer yell "Gol!" once on Telemundo and it really stuck

WV: He probably wasn't paying attention during the WBC when the Dutch played Italy. Or, he thinks that they speak Spanish in Italy

RK: Are you kidding me with that catch?

WV: Prretttty, pretty good

RK: Pretty soon we'll just see Mauer charging up into the stands like a bull, leaping row upon row

WV: Leyland: Hey come on, throw me out, I need a smoke. Mauer will be for whom the bell tolls.

RK: Jesse Crain warming up? Awesome?

RK: I know I shouldn't be so nervous - something tells me this game is a lost cause, and yet, and yet I can't let go that Joe Mauer will hit a grand slam. Could totes happen.

TOP 7TH, SAME

WV: Well that inning didn't do much to inflate Verlander's pitch count

RK: Huh, hey well that took 13 seconds

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Well hello Jesse Crain from 2006

TOP 8TH, SAME

RK: D-Span 2: Book TV getting it done late

WV: And if there were ever a time for Mauer Power, it is now.

RK: Well back to back RsBI from Mauer and Kubel will do too. Within 1! Must not get excited. Getting light-headed and numb and mouth-tingly.

WV: Surprised they're not pitch running for Kubel

RK: Well a base hit scores anybody, right?

WV: You'd think so

WV: That might have been the pitch.

RK: Nah, too far outside. We'll see how it shakes out against Rodney

WV: Alright, well they've at least validated our continued watching of the game

BOTTOM 8TH, 5-4 TIGERS

WV: Well fuck

RK: This darkens my mood considerably

WV: And Detroit celebrates like they've all got jobs again

RK: Hello 2008 Matt Guerrier

TOP 9TH, TWINS DOWN 2

RK: Well, let's see if the bottom of the lineup can do something here

WV: I guess Mike Redmond is as good as gone huh?

RK: I think it's safe to say

WV: I really wish that Tolbert and Punto weren't the next two hitters. Morneau and his fractured back would give us a better shot here.

RK: It'll be left to Punto

WV: Punto's gotta be due for a homerun right....RIGHT!?????

RK: Derp

WV: Huh.

WV: That dinger last inning sure is a bummer.

RK: Yeah I'm not sure I like this "Granderson" fellow

WV: Or this Raburn guy.

PREGAME

WV: Well what're you gonna do, the next two are winnable

Dissertations Are Hard

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:58:00 +0000

PREGAME

Alright look, as the title suggests, dissertations are hard. I read at least a book a day and write at least a page a day and getting through all the alphabet soup of the world of finance, from CDOs and CDSs in the MBS market to a ROE model for IFVs to purchase IPOs (not only from firms like GS and JPMS), and just why does the PPT exist?

But today, today I'm gonna be a hot mess all day, doubleheader and all. So even though I have plenty of things to do (did you know I am giving a test tomorrow that I have yet to write? I am a bad person), this doubleheader has me glued. I suppose it is comforting to know that a twin killing is not absolutely vital, but if they don't, then every single other game the rest of the season is.

So in a good way, MLB just aired a promo about the Tigers and the postseason. Hubris alert!

Hey I'm not watching this game 2 minutes behind y'all since MLBNetwork is picking up the FSNorth feed. So you wanna hang with me? We still good? Anybody come around here? OK!

TOP 1ST

Did we ever come to a consensus about what Span's nickname oughta be? I like D-Span, Span the Bran Muffin, and uh... well I guess it's between those two.

Looks like Mauer will catch the day game - then moved to DH for the night game? I mean, I don't doubt that Joe Mauer could catch every major league game for every team and still bat .365. Double headers during expanded roster time must be nice for managers.

BOTTOM 1ST

An inauspicious start for Blackburn, and oh dear, these two games are probably (definitely) going to be the death of me.

Honestly, what is wrong with me you?

Watching Dick and Bert on the teevee is really making me nostalgic for way back when I lived in Minnesota. I won't say my obsessive fandom ruined relationships I had in college, but I definitely made it clear that I was going to be watching the games, and if she had something she'd rather do during those three hours she should just go ahead and do that.

I understand why they're pitching around Cabrera to get to Huff. Perhaps a lesser threat, but here's some anecdata (that portmanteau is a joke! Hahaha!) Huff killed the Twins during the game I saw up in Camden Yards.

And then the Mauer doppelganger makes a liar out of me. Good.

TOP 2ND

I like the Rubik Kubel's strategy: Get hits by literally (literally) hitting the pitcher. So long as it's on the ass it's OK. I don't want the mushroom man hurt. Doesn't Porcello sound like a kind of mushroom?

Gaaaaaaawd.

BOTTOM 2ND

Every time the Dread Pirate throws that slow curve my heart leaps into my throat. Perhaps it's a Pavlovian response to how many of his breaking pitches have been hit across state lines. Let's just hope he's channeling game 163. Except that home run to Jim Thome thing.

RK: Inge looks awfully young. Remember back in 2003 when he was a catcher? Good thing he has those tats to seem mega-badass

DK: I remember all too well he being a catcher - visions of throws to third base ending up in Lansing come to mind

DK: Nikolai, I don't like your curveball. As a matter of fact, I hate your curveball. You know why? BECAUSE THE DAMN THING DON'T CURVE

RK: That 0-1 pitch was a strike the end.

DK: Bburn looks like he's taking grooming tricks from Pavano, and at the rate this is going, he's going to need sensitivity training from Ozzie Guillen - he looks pretty pissed off

RK: Where the hell is the strike zone?

DK: I do believe, based on FSN Detroit's long, slow, zoom into Gardy in the Twins dugout, he's asking himself the same question

RK: 41 pitches in 2 innings, another saving grace of the expanded roster

TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 TIGERS 1

RK: So Morales is DHing, they'll just switcheroo with Mauer tonight, right?

DK: One can only hope

RK: There's not much to right about here. Leviathan called out on strikes, Toblerone fouled out... Let's just hope that the strike zone Mr. Mushroom is getting will also be given to Blackburn.

RK: Heh, Span is listening to me, hitting the ball off of Porcello's ass. Hey here's what I would like to see: a threat mounting with fewer than two outs.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Another leadoff double?! Not a good habit to get into, Mr. Bburn

RK: NICE THROW CUDDY; that is reminiscent of Newman throwing home. In the hunt for omens and portents (and other things that I of course don't believe in), these things help.

DK: That was pretty damn well thrown.

RK: Oh just forgot to breathe there for 2+ minutes. Speaking of bad habits. Cuddy at first, who'd have thought? After that abysmal stint at third. Cuddly McDimples, you're currently the MVP of my heart.

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: The camera pans sometimes kill me. Welcome back to the game here's an uncomfortably long shot of some fat dude squinting.

(DK is figuring out how to get a better stream than 5 minutes in the past)

Hey Dlmn! Way to be productive! To be honest, I sorta figured you were just out number 3 there. But then Leviathan did just that. I guess it's nice to be getting runners on, but if they could just get 'em in that would be totes clutch.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Well this time it's only a leadoff single, so.... progress?

What is this guess the stance guy? What's going on here? I don't think I like this.

Oh jeezy creezy I'm sorry I'm not saying much. I'm just sitting here wringing my hands, watching Blackburn live on the bleeding edge and it's just frazzling my nerves here.

TOP 5TH, SAME

Porcello also sounds like Porcelain. So perhaps there's some toilet humor here. Heh. Literally! I literally use the word literally correctly.

Also, leadoff double by the Twins! This is what I like to see; turnabout is fair play, you know.

D-Span said he wanted to "shock the world." As much as you and I love the Twins, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe tens of thousands of people care about this.

HELL YEAH TIED UP SON

BOTTOM 5TH, TIED AT 1

I will transcribe the Gatorade commercials:

Lock it up
Bull shit, slam it
(Blah blah blah)
Ticket, work it
Lock it up

Hey remember how Detroit owes Dontrelle Willis like 18 million dollars?

And it is the ghost of Dontrelle Willis that is responsible for Nikolai's first 1-2-3 inning.

TOP 6TH, SAME

I feel like I've worked my magic on Dick Bremer. He used to say "quickly oh and two" which doesn't make any sense because the only way to get to 0-2 is quickly. Now he says "two quick strikes" which makes much more sense.

RE: Metrodome Medallions - don't they lose their magic when the team leaves the Metrodome?

I really feel like the strike zone is different for these two pitchers and nobody likes that - hey! Another 2 out hit!

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

Blackburn has really bounced back from a shaky start. Credit the defense a little luck, but boy am I feeling better than I used to earlier in this game.

TOP 7TH, SAME

Leviathan uses the earthly god powers of sovereignty to get that ball under Polanco's glove.

Katie, take heart. Perhaps you'll see a Roger Federer Gilette commercial. This is a rare time for me to see the Twins on the real life teevee.

2 on, 1 out, Leyland out for a smoke I mean making a move.

And it was apparently a good move. Dammit.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Span O'Cabrera is brilliant. I hope they resign Orlando for this very reason. Also because he is good at baseball?

That 1-2 pitch was a strike! Jose Morales should know, he's had it called like 3 times now.

Seriously, this game has overtones of game 163 last year. I'm getting kinda excited. Kinda the I'm going to pace around my apartment and maybe bake some bread or something because I'm just so damned excited about all this. Good lord.

TOP 8TH, SAME

That was your pitch, Joe. And now 0-4? What kind of witchery is this day?

You know what sounds tasty? A tart with raspberries and brie. That is all.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Sorry. I've been looking up recipes.

TOP 9TH, SAME

So let's just not ever let Sandcastle play till September.

FUCK.

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

bao, you must have more restraint than I, because my ass would be kicked off campus for how much yelling I'm doing. Or are you more like me in that you often hold office hours in name only and just sit at home because they never come anyway?

Katie, you wanna look up some kind of pastry I can make with fresh fruit and brie? And maybe then make it and send it on out here? I guess I could make it myself, but y'know.

I've just got a pile of raspberries, cold sittin' here, just waiting to be baked into something.

OH SWEET FRESH HELL. HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. GOOD GOD. I'M DEAD.

TOP 10TH, SAME

I have the mouth-tingle. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you were young and you were about to get caught and you had that pit in your stomach and then your inner cheeks would go numb and tingle. You know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one.

Then Span just cold singling up the middle.

Then cold taking second on a wild pitch. (this meme is fun! By the way, is the over/misuse of "meme" in itself a meme? A metameme?)

Span just cold lookin' like "Can I just come home now then?"

FUCK AND YES.

bao, my good friend Henri? Everyday Life in the Modern World is one of those books I could read again and again. And in fact, I do reread it every few months. At least I think we'd be friends. Y'know, if he were uh, alive. I'm currently supposed to be reading Foucault, but fuck that guy.

Gomez finally remember how to bunt? Could it be a sign of impending RAGNAROK?

Someday I'll break Dick of that bad habit of making fly balls that don't reach the warning track sound like 10-run home runs.

BOTTOM 10TH, TWINS 3 MOTOR CITY KITTIES 1

"Big out here for Joe Nathan." Well Bert, not to bicker, but let's assume they all are.

Well! That insurance run was very important then. And now for 3 QUICK OUTS, RIGHT NATHANEST OF JOES?

Hot diggety damn is CarGo fast.

Hot diggety damn does Dlmn run heart-stoppingly weird routes to the ball.

Alright I'll say it: RAGNAROK.

See you back here in a few hours? OKAY WEIRDOS.

POSTGAME

Katie, I really like raspberries. Also they're all the way over there (in the kitchen) you know?

That save was Guardado-esque, but things are aligning. You know what I don't care about? Detroit's magic number, because if all goes well - we'll soon be able to concern ourselves with Minnesota's magic number.

What in Tarnation is Going On Here?

noreply@blogger.com (DK) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 17:35:00 +0000

What In Tarnation is Going on Here

Storms Are Brewing

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 00:05:00 +0000

PREGAME

Here in Blacksburg, and with Slowey Gin Fizz on the mound. This whole season, every time he takes the mound, I feel good.

Also, storms are apparently brewing for Francisco Liriano. Could the bullpen be in his future?

WV is still (STILL) in school. Crazy California. He is in class right now. Let's all laugh at him.

TOP FIRST

TB's "Slow Ride" moniker is apt - the HHH Metrodome is playing the song of the same title.

"Scouting report brought to you by Bert Blyleven." Uh, duh, Bert.

"I've got the Peter Brady puberty thing going on tonight." Sometimes that happens to me when I'm teaching Dick. Did you just get over a summer cold too?

You can really hear Dick trying to like smooth his voice over a little bit so it doesn't crack. He could moonlight as a slow jazz easy listening adult deejay.

Oh you want me to talk about the game? Was there ever a doubt that he was going to get out of that jam?

BOTTOM 1ST

Oh Twingo. I can't wait to play once again. An uninspiring start, but hey! The game is moving very quickly thusfar.

TOP 2ND

Oh All-You-Can-Eat Seats, I covet you so.

Also, good to hear that thick-ass MN accent just there. "2 hat dags..."

I don't know how this is possible, but it is - the awkward silence after Bert said he was scouting out retirement homes actually lasted longer than the inning. Think about it.

BOTTOM 2ND

Good God this game is flying by. Uh, anybody been to fangraphs.com? Delmon Young is pretty much the least valuable player this year. If you computed his value in terms of dollars, he would pretty much owe the Twins his salary back.

TOP 3RD

"0 for 12 with a hooOOOOO." Wow, come on Dick, this is great, but you'd really make the Iceman's night if you let him get up in the booth for a game.

Hot damn, if I still watched "Baseball Tonight" I would say that was a Web Gem for sure. But I don't watch that anymore. Why, you ask? Because have you seen MLB Network? It's nirvana. You don't get it? Heh. Well then.

In fact, for all of the Capital One defensive plays of the game, let's just show the bottom of that inning. That was damn right Sinn Fein-esque right there.

k-bro, when I think of all you can eat seats I start to salivate and think of the mountains of onions I put on my dogs. Jeezy creezy I'm a sucker for ballpark food.

BOTTOM 3RD

2 out rally? Holy crap it's 2006 again! Oh, those were the days. Well not really. I was still in Virginia. So not much has changed. I have more books now I guess.

Span just cold stealin' that bag. But it's weird because he gets credit for a stolen base (I assume V-Mart on the throwing error?) when really, how do you justify that? I'm OK with it because it's one of the good guys, but in general it should just be a two base error. Do you not agree? Do you feel very strongly about it? Well write about it on your own damn blog. Which you have. And tweet it. Always tweeting.

Oh hooray my video player froze on me again. Awesome.

TOP 4TH, 2-0 TWINS I ASSUME

Wow, Santana took a loss.

Oooh I know the Affleck! 3 Cleveland managers to make the postseason? Wedge, Hargrove, and Phelps.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Sorry, got called away - hey, Delmon's about to get out? Yeah yeah, I've turned on him.

And then he did. So I'm right.

TOP 5TH, SAME

Uh, sorry, didn't have time to really say anything just there.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

Is it too late to build a Joe Mauer statue at Target Field? I hope they've begun it.

Sorry, I'm just like, really popular tonight.

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 4-0

Not only am I popular, Slowey is doing his thing

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

So you know how in church league softball you start with a 1-1 count? We should just assume Dlmn will make an out and speed the game up like that.

And then once again, am I unfairly picking on him? Signs point to no

TOP 7TH, SAME,

OK I'm gonna go get cocktails with my friends. Looks like Slowey's got this in hand

A Worrisome Prospect

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 27 May 2009 23:55:00 +0000

PREGAME

I was just wondering something: do you suppose there are people out there who are fans of the Boston Red Stockings because they saw the awful Jimmy Fallon vehicle "Fever Pitch?" I hope these people don't exist. They would make me shudder.

Hat tip to k-bro for noting that who I thought was Matt Tolbert was indeed Brian Buscher. The less vision-impaired among us will note both the number "32" and the last name "Buscher." Remember how in your high school Psych class you had to try to see the details in the room for an eyewitness report but nobody remembers anything clearly so while you were proud of yourself for counting the bar stools they really wanted to know if you noticed the gallon of blood on the ground? Yeah, this is nothing like that.

But here is a fun optical illusion about how curveballs mess with your mind. But not Bobby Kielty's mind ca. 2003 when he took Barry Zito out of the yard but quick. Remember that?

Here. Click the link to launch the swf.

Oh yes, topical! Kevin Slowey is pitching, so uh, good.

TOP 1ST

Justin, you need a public speaking coach. I'll do it! I would like to be paid in cases of pounders of Premium Grain Belt beer.

FSN Techno Remix!

So - yes! I have a facebook question. A person who I barely know and haven't talked to in (literally) 10 years has friended me. I declined because I do like my facebook friends to be, y'know, people I know or people who are intensely attracted to me. But then! She friended me again. Is this persistence normal? Should I just accept it? Social networking is HARD

Meanwhile Slowey is throwing pitches all the livelong day. Yet nobody is on base. So net result is a good thing? Yes.

BOTTOM 1ST

Hm, I understand the strategy here - Dice K will throw a lot of pitches because he's a control freak (without the commanding control) so they'll take a lot. Yet here he is throwing many strikes. Swing!

Hey it's like Street Fighter II, Hyper Fighting Championship Edition TURBO: HERE COMES A NEW BLOGGER

KK: Okie, so. Here is the deal. Nick Punto cannot be good at both things at once. Last night he had an error but got two doubles. He got an error tonights game, does this mean he will homer?

RK: Probably not, but I like the logic

KK: Me too, I wish most of my logistics would become real.

[and then a bunch of stuff happened and the two K's said stuff that wasn't particularly noteworthy. We'll try harder!]

BOTTOM 2ND

KK: Wow Ortiz just swung and missed three times. Excuse me while I lick my TV screen.

RK: Who watches "Unwrapped?" That show is awful. Food Network should just become the Good Eats and Barefoot Contessa channel.

TOP 3RD

RK: I'll never bag on a guy for getting hits, but didn't the Twins bring Dlmn over to hit dingers?

KK: Why yes we did. But I think it doesn't matter since we have Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, Cuddyer, AND Crede for power.

RK: I'm starting to get the nagging suspicion that the Twins front office is starting to regret that trade

KK: Nick Punto doesn't play thriller for his walk on song anymore, and it depresses me. And I bet they are kind of pissed. I mean he hit em out like crazy whilst in Tampa.

RK: What is his new song? I missed it

KK: His old song from last year

TOP 3RD

KK: When I hear "shes my cherry pie" it reminds me of harris. Then I feel awkward.

RK: That song reminds me of seeing that video very early in my life and not understanding the feelings I was feeling

RK: Sneak peek at Ice Road Truckers? OLD NEWS

KK: Here is the sneak peek: the road is ice, it cracks, they make sure you know its scary as shit because they have about 10,000 mics underneath the semis so you can hear all the clunks, creaks and cracks. Most of the men who do such ice road-ings are insane. Fin.

RK: I watched Season 1 with my pops a couple years ago and that's what I came away with

KK: Bases loaded? Really? With Youkilis coming up to bat? I swear these pitchers strictly do these things in awares that they will give me upset stomachs and tension headaches and stress boners at a drop of a hat being a complete suck.

RK: 1 run wouldn't be a terrible outcome here. And so it has come to pass!

BOTTOM 3RD, BOSOX UP 1

KK: Denard Span has a thyroid problem poor baby

RK: Maybe it will turn him into a giant. Or is that pituitary?

KK: Joe Mauer does what you know he'd do

RK: Yeah, there was never a doubt, it was only a question of how

KK: I can also has a Morneau double

RK: These two young men are out their minds

KK: Yeah they are, they must have some crazy sexual tension...I mean good chemistry.

RK: Same thing

RK: Now this is the Daisuke I thought we'd see tonight

RK: Hahaha, here is a picture of Tolbert spitting

KK: Oh, I am enjoying this inning, so much I am type-less

RK: I like this reliable offense we've been having lately

TOP 4TH, RED SOX 1 TWINS 3

BASEBALL

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Man, I could use a 2-out rally here. Straight 2006 style. Punto probably wants it more than I

KK: hahahaha, yeah I bet he is bouncing around shoveling swedish fish in his mouth

TOP 5TH, SAME

The fuck lion doesn't get married, lady.

I like how Slowey Gin Fizz is not allowing many runs, but I would also like to see an inning wherein he doesn't allow a runner to get into scoring position. Also, in the mid-70s pitch count? Tsk tsk!

Which, by the way is a sound where you click your tongue behind clenched, not to be said as "tisk tisk." The sound was developed for comic strips, after all.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

What is Dice-K's pitch count? 345?

2 out rally. Please. Pleasepleaseplease

I'm never satisfied. Maybe I'm just like my mother. Maybe I'm just too demanding, excuse me while I bust out my awesome Prince-inspired dance moves

TOP 6TH, SAME

Gulp.

Jason Bay's been kinda hot lately, and it's OK if it's a solo shot, I suppose. If Slowey stops the bleeding here it'll be not that bad - like the first inning

We who have seen David Ortiz this season completely understand this performance in the Metrodome, amirite?

Insurance runs would make me stop pacing around my apartment like a crazy person.

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1

"And we all need more friends." Dick, you hippie!

This is apparently shaping up to be the Dick inning

"So a Boston native son facing a Minnesota native son!" Well yeah Dick, I mean everyone's from somewhere, right?

Intentional walk to get to Cuddyer? DISRESPEK

I'm not feeling good about this. And no it's nothing I ate because I had dinner 5 hours ago because I'm old.

That's how you get an RBI Cuddy - with your ribs

TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 2

Point of order? Does Cuddy actually get credit for an RBI just there?

Haha point of order. If any of you dorks did Student Congress like I did, it's like a day at the dorkatorium.

Mijares is hungry and wants to get this game over with. I know I shouldn't poke fun at the heavier members of the roster, but the truth is I'm secretly jealous. I don't eat much myself, and I wish I could eat more. Then again, I'll do my best if I can get a ticket to an all you can eat seat game. Mmm. Dome dogs. What now?

I suppose Mijares will be out there again in the top of the 8th

OH NO I'M GOING TO MISS THE SNEAK PEEK OF ICE ROAD TRUCKERS WHATEVER SHALL I DO

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

Zaaaahm-bay-ee, zaaaahm-bay-uh-ay-uh-ay-uh

Damn you ground rules! Cargo was on his way home, sweet home! Why must you be like Circe the witch stopping Odysseus from his destination?

Wow, Gomez hit Kottaris pretty hard there. I like it. Shades of Sinn Fein!

And Span's eye is downright Mientkiewiczian! I am brimming with nostalgia. And sex appeal. Mainly nostalgia

TOP 8TH, SAME

Let it ride with Mijares! That would be a catchy slogan for some sort of motorcycle shop or eatery. Or both?

Dr. Jubal, I've been thinking about the old boys lately. Could be that Eric Milton just got a win with the Dodgers, could be that I just wish I was younger. Who knows.

Matt Gruyere, doin' work! Being delicious, aged in a cave.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Dr. Jubal, don't you dare. All of my Twins jerseys are from former players, and I intend to keep it that way. I have Guzman, Pierzynski, Santana, and oh some others who knows. They're all the way in my closet and I just don't have the gumption.

TOP 9TH, SAME

Joe Nathan looks really good tonight. That is very heartening to see.

POSTGAME

The Twins, although there was some offensivefutility when it came to RISP, the pitching came through. Hey - Mauer can't hit a home run every game (yes he can).

Dr. Jubal makes a good point that the caps the twins wear are darker than their uniforms. Someone call Paul Lukas!

The Twins can even up the season series tomorrow and did you know Bert doesn't like all these interleague games? Even though these games are about the only reason the Twins have any hope of playoff contention?

It's Not Pornography, It's Art

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 26 May 2009 23:34:00 +0000

PREGAME

Do you want to see some pictures? Your intrepid blogger took, as Kevin Costner would say in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, But Not British Accents, a roade trippe. Up to Baltimore to Camden Yards, for a Twins game that the Orioles were kind enough to host.

1) The field is beautiful blah blah blah

2) So before the game I took pictures of Twins stretching. Enjoy

I blame the photographer here. That is a horrible shot of a horrible angle. But there I am! You can't really tell, but that's the old "TC" on my hat. In Hokie colors. Synergy! (I go to Virginia Tech, for the uninitiated)

We'll start off nice and easy. That there is naked batting practice, holding it down.

Here's Denard Span, just cold posin' for the camera, even though he's acting like he isn't. TRUE FACT: Denard Span is a diva.

Nice Socks, Mr. Crede. Yes, socks.

Here is (I believe?) Matt Tolbert, trying to find his next ex-wife.

HOT JOE MAUER ACTION COMING UP

Oh hi, I didn't notice you there

The trainer can only conceal so much

Remember, impure thoughts are sinful

Just a warm up for the -

Ladies, you're welcome

Now let's see if the boys can beat the Red Sox for once.

TOP 1ST

Pretty sure the announcer person pregame just said Mauer Pauer. It's OK, we here at PAB don't believe in intellectual property rights.

I fully approve of Dick's sideburns. He looks old in HD.

Admittedly, I should have had the forethought to think eating popcorn and blogging wouldn't work together. But! Hands are washed, and here I am

BOTTOM 1ST

I will now forever associated T.I.'s "What You Know?" with Joe Mauer. Who, by the way, can apparently hit a home run at will.

Haha, creepy guy with a cameraphone.

I have a hard time when JoeMa makes an out. Like, "What does it all mean?" kind of hard time.

Good hustle, Dr. Neau. I approve of your decision.

TOP 2ND

Blackburn isn't looking that great tonight. This has me ill at ease.

And my player is crapping out. This could be an omen.

But no! I shall persevere! But seriously, I saw Star Trek last night. Does anybody else think that it rocked VERY HARD?

BOTTOM 2ND

Joe Mauer's hind leg is like the pitching rubber? I'll go with it Bert, because you played man, and I was probably the only grade school center fielder to bat ninth.

Uggggh losing my will to continue this.

TOP AND BOTTOM 3RD

What the crap, Firefox? Crashed 3 times in a row!

And now the feed won't pick up and I am just having a hell of a time right now I tells ya.

I came back just in time to see OMG make a second consecutive out? I think this is some harbinger of doom - let me check my Mayan calendar. Heh. MyMy An Calendar.

TOP 4TH

I am not feeling this right now. Je regrette. Could it be Nikolai walking David Ortiz? Maybe. Could it be him throwing 30 pitches per inning? Possibly? Could it be a headache and just really dry eye? Mainly.

But then he goes and does that and it's like how can I not at least watch? Sorry it's not very funny tonight though.

BOTTOM 4TH

God dammit that's the last time I'm letting Firefox crash on me. Good day for now.

Zak and Sara

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:53:00 +0000

PREGAME

Zak and Sara will be Jake Peavy's nickname when he comes to the White Sox. Behold!

"Sara spelled without an "h" was getting bored
On a Peavy amp in 1984
While Zak without a "c" tried out some new guitars
Playing Sara with no "h"'s favorite songs"
-Ben Folds, Zak and Sara

Let's see what kind of destruction the boys can wreak on my fragile psyche today!

Hey, did you know that if you comment on Pulling a Blyleven I will talk to you DIRECTLY? So, suicidal entrepreneur, yes, I spelled Existential the same way Joe Morgan spells "consistent" (eg one letter down), what on earth is "Dog day?" What makes them rule so? How can I, as one individual, submit to their rule?

And if you want to like actually maybe liveblog with me, you know the drill if you're in the know. Maybe. See, being told what happens in THE FUTURE can really mess with me and then it's like why am I watching this? On the other hand, the way the boys have been playing, I could ask that regardless of any temporal contingencies.

TOP 1ST

Just something to chew on during the game. I'm teaching an Introduction to Political Theory course in the fall. Have you taken this class? If you have, what kind of books did you wish were on the syllabus but weren't? If you have not, LEAVE ME ALONE. Just kidding. My theory classes are awesome.

"Bartolo Colon - oh my God, they shot him." Bert, seriously. I am laughing out loud.

Seeing Super Colon Blow brings back memories. Specifically in late 2003 when the radar gun in Comiskey was all janked up and had him throwing 103 mph in the 7th inning.

Did the stadium start playing "Classical Gas" after Span K'd?

I have nothing remotely funny or snarky to say about Mauer - the man is brilliant in every way. Probably is also very good at physics.

Jesus Christ, the are playing that song. But like a Western Pancho Villa kinda version.

I remember a couple years ago there used to be some people who would be all up on this blog, just cold Kubel hatin'. And WV and I were like "Slow your roll, bro-heys, he's a good hitter. Believe." And now look at him. I'm like a proud father.

Wow, is the Nicene Crede rocking Oakleys from 1988 VERY MUCH?

BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS SCORE 1

Uh oh, Tolbert's gonna beat himself up over that one. Literally. In the shower. Instead of water, he uses hydrochloric acid, by the way.

Dread Pirate Blackburn that was an amazing move!

"That'll leave a bark mark right there!" I'll just add that to the Bert Blyleven lexicon.

Calling J-Dye out there was a kiss and makeup call for not punching out Alexei. It all evens out.

And now the organ is playing a version of the song in all the Geico commercials? What is happening in this ballpark?

Kubel and Span please stop doing that. It's bizarro-world in here.

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP 1

So. Morales will be the White Sox starting catcher in 2 years time, yes?

Hooray, the Bitch Sox can't throw the ball either!

Scored two runs, but let's score 18 more so I can relax a little bit OK?

I swallowed my heart pretty hard when it looked like Span was going to knock both runners in with a double down the line, but cruel fate! I'll share a bon mot from my adviser: "Fate is for people so poor they have to live in the swamp with a flyswatter."

They're walking Dr. Neau to get to Kubel WTFBBQ?

Smoooooooth managing, Ozzie. Honest to god.

Is Cuddy your buddy? He ought to be. BOOM

The Nicene Crede is making me feel a little tingly. That's as far into it as I'll go. Use your imagination. Or don't, I mean, I understand.

Haw haw, oh Dick, you always get my hopes up when there's a fly ball and I was all B2B2B jacks with Leviathan? Alas, it died 10 feet short. Things don't feel so ominous now, do they?!

BOTTOM 2ND, TWINS UP 8

The 2003 flashback continues the way they keep talking about Rick Reed. I know, I know, not the same Rick Reed, but blah blah blah.

TOP 3RD, SAME

Who puts two spaces after a period anymore? I don't want to get into a discussion about em spaces, but unless you're on a typewriter from the 30s, it's not necessary. And I'd take off points for that on an essay. Much like having 1.5" margins, using Courier New font - how would I ever suspect that the person may just be trying to artificially elongate their paper?

I'm so terrible - instead of listening to Dick and Bert I'm trying to figure out which strange song the organist at US Cellular will play.

Mauer didn't even swing and that thing was a double. He just put the bat over the plate and that's what happened.

Walking Morneau again - you've made the Rubik's Kubel very angry.

Apparently not angry enough.

BOTTOM 3RD TWINS UP 9

I liked to see the double play, but I'm also liking watching child prodigies play piano so hard. Is anybody else mad at their parents for not making them learn to play the piano, or French? Mine said, but you didn't want to. Yeah, but I also used to think girls were gross, so let's not give too much autonomy away here, huh?

Oh wow, nobody scored? It's like the White Sox have become the Twins, the Twins the White Sox.

TOP 4TH, SAME

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE? To feel good during a baseball game?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS UP TEN (10)

Baseball!

TOP 5TH, SAME

If you were to say, "RK, you have too many expectations for Mauer. He will, on occasion, make an out." I'd be like yeah, but I can't help myself.

And you can't either.

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

I realize I'm running out of steam here, but what can I say?

TOP 6TH, SAME

Could it be that the Twins not scoring in the 5th was some kind of aberration?

I have to give it to the hecklers I'm hearing. Your team is down 10-0 and still razzing the third string catcher? Alright, son!

I will miss you, Lance Broadway, if only for that awesometime name.

Punto's hustle literally produced an RBI there. Like, literally literally

TB: Yes, somebody should let him know that we are proud of him not sliding headfirst.

RK: Ooooh Span's a little salty after that plunk

TB: Just cold took one for the team, eh

RK: Hey, Gobble! I need to pay better attention

TB: BAHAHAHAHA. That one was a real turkey, Gobble.

RK: Are you speaking from the FUTURE?

TB: I may be

RK: Hot diggety damn!

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 16(?/!)

TB: I remember these games back in the day in my youth. Then again I also remember when we did this in 2007

RK: Sure, one game a season doesn't make. But this is how you bust a losing streak

TB: Makes the pain of losing Breslow go away a little bit.

RK: I'd say I'll miss Yale. But I probably won't

TOP 7TH, SAME

TB: At this point I think Cuddy should handwalk the rest of the way should Leviathan get a hit

RK: If only KK were here so we could make fun of her for bagging on him

RK: Oh interleague play is happening this year up in Wrigley Field, huh? Thanks for the hot tip, Dick

TB: Is it safe to call the streak over?

RK: Yeah, I think a little confidence is in order

TB: Hey Twins fans at the game! You guys wanna play?

RK: I wouldn't mind seeing Tolbert pitch an inning

TB: One almost forgets that Blackburn is pitching like a rockstar

RK: I know, I think he's under 80 pitches

TOP 8TH, STILL 20-0

TB: Okay how about 10 more runs

RK: Didn't the Rangers blank the Orioles something to the tune of 30-0 a year ago or so?

TB: Could be. The internets told me it was 30-3

RK: The internet is the keeper of the Flame of Truth, so I'll go with it

TB: I sense not enough tension in this game for the Twins side of things.

RK: It's kind of amusing though

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

TB: Hwhat? Where did Dread Pirate go?

RK: Yeah, that's somewhat surprising

TB: You're welcome for our support, Cuddy

RK: Whoopsie

DK: I kind of want us to shut them out

RK: I'd like them to as well. And also score 3 more times for the all-time MLB shutout record

TB: A shutout would be just gravy.

TB: Well fiddlesticks

TOP 9, TWINS UP 20-1

I just want to point out the organist has now played "Inagaddadavida (or whatever the hell)" and "Sail Away with Me" by Styx

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

I think we have a general consensus to let the score speak for itself and to just bask for now.

The Gaping, Existetial Maw

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 20 May 2009 23:53:00 +0000

PREGAME
So I was thinking about Camus today. You know, like I do. (I do) And I have come to the conclusion (not really, I've always thought this way about pretty much everything ever) that baseball is a Camusian exercise. That exercise being: how to live a meaningful life in a meaningless universe.

Right now, the baseball world is meaningless, formless, AND contentless (WV would have gotten a kick out of that. GD Stanford and their quarter system). Starters go 4 innings and give up 6 runs, the bullpen melts down like gallium in the palm (it is strange to behold), and the team LOBw/RISP2Out (patent pending) is about .028, and would be lower except Matt Tolbert is fearless and uses his face instead of the bat to swing.

But the project is the same. How do we make meaning out of this? Gardy just said, "Sometimes the game takes things away from you." Yes Gardy. Yes it does. So why shouldn't ~~I, personally~~ they mope? Why should they "get after it?" "Battle their tails off?" "Eat a balanced breakfast?"

Because, for those of you who have been following this blog intently and took to heart our Kantian theorization of baseball qua baseball as the noumena, the game being the phenomenon means it's just that. The game is there, and you know, you've tried to walk away and you can't. You keep coming back. Meaning is made is both in the jubilation of awesometime wins, and in the bone crushing agony of defeat. And so let's watch! And make some meaning.

TOP 1ST

Reading back, I realize that my made up state above doesn't make any sense, and should indeed be a high number to indicate many men abandoned on base like Buzz Aldrin on the mooon (He's been there for 40 years now, plotting).

As an aside, sorry for not doing that wacky sidebar stuff. WV does all that and I have no idea how to do any of that stuff. I can barely manage these uber-basic html tags.

Oh Joe Mauer up with RISP? Will he B the RI in very hard? He is not a human being. He's something much... more... beautiful.

Don't you make a liar out of me, Global Warming. Next time, you magnificent bastard. Next time.

OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN

BOTTOM 1ST

Strawberries on Good Eats right now. In a few minutes, Orange cream desserts!

I'm gonna do a little photoshopping.

God, even when we do something right we do it wrong. But what is this? Cuddy Ruxpin is starting first? What hath you wrought, Ron?

OK, so I had a friend who bought a CWS hat just so he could do this to it. Anybody else remember this?

Haw haw haw.

Things feel very... ominous.

TOP 2ND

OH YES! LET'S GO BACK TO THE EXTRA GAME THEY HAD TO PLAY! That's what I need to see right now. Game 163 where I ripped my still beating heart out of my own chest and then didn't know what to do with it.

Roy Smalley's story about John Danks, and I know you think the same thing, intrepid reader(s): The way he started that it could have been in some small magazine of pornographic essays.

I think I just heard some background voices from the mics about Tom Hanks. Hey, let's go to the ballpark and give reviews of movies where Tom Hanks has a doughy face and awful haircut!

It is better for me to listen for these things than watch Gomez swing at balls that bounce in front of the plate.

BOTTOM 2ND

"I think the whole infield could pick the ball up before Red got home." I want to have dinner at his house, where he barks at his wife all nights and talks to his vegetables like they're people.

Alexei Ramirez, last seen as an alien in the fourth Indiana Jones movie (that never happened by the way). Or the diminutive alien fella in Harvey Birdman, if anybody watched that.

My favorite thing right now: The dudes in the front row that you can see behind Corky, stacking their beers up in front of them. They came to par-tay!

TOP 3RD

Oh gross. It's dog day. A close second in the "most disgusting idea for a game ever" competition after fountains of raw sewage being aimed at the crowd.

Span just cold messin' with Danks' mindhole.

I'm gonna peruse some google templates. Oooh, Mega Man!

BOTTOM 3RD

Awesome. My media player will occasionally just stop and say it's a commercial break. WHAT ABOUT CLICK IT OR TICKET?

TOP 4TH

Look at how the Buehrle-lap sack rolls.

How can Mauer be 0-2? Well I mean, I get it, but you know, how?

Did Morneau make the third out or is my player being all janky lo-fi, who the hell knows? I guess that's impossible because Morneau is the second batter of the inning hmmmmmmmmm?

But then it cut back in and Morneau walked and what kind of shithole media player is this?

"Justin not a threat to go." Do it, good Dr. Do it.

Alexei's all smiling like I meant to do that. What are you, a cat?

Jason Kubel! And Morneau, I know you hustled all the way, but how awful was that throw by J-Dye? Bert just said it was outstanding but uh.... it was about halfway up the first base line as I saw it.

What is this? This execution with RISP? Of offense, with bats?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS UP 2

Welp, so much for the lead. Knew that as soon as he swung the bat.

I'm going to take a break for the remainder of this half inning. I'm not going on strike, just... skulking around my apartment for a bit.

OK now I'm on strike.

A Salve For Our Wounds

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Wed, 20 May 2009 00:02:00 +0000

PREGAME

So relaxing didn't really work for me last night. Perspective, as always, is key. There are grosser injustices happening in the world. But look:

1) I'll stop posting weird shit from youtube
2) The Twins are out of New York!
3) The Apostle's Crede!

There are bumps in the road:

1) Baker's schizophrenic pitching personality. 6 perfect innings and then a 5-spot is fuzzy math
2) Buerhlehrelhrle is usually pretty good against the Twins
3) Hawk really heaps praise on the Twins, so I have a hard time hating him. That doesn't have anything to do with the game, but I thought you'd like to know.

TOP 1ST

Mauer hasn't figured out a major league pitcher yet? The "Buerhle sold his soul to be a better than average pitcher" theory just got a big shot in the arm.

Yowza.

Whenever I see mutual of Omaha, I get that Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head. You know the one:

Like Mutual of Omaha
On the ill boat you never seen before
Gliding in the glades
And like Lorne Green you know I get paid

-Ch-ch-check It Out, Capital Records, 2004

I will not post the video. I've learned my lesson. You all want words.

BOTTOM 1ST

Well Bert's not making any sense tonight, which is like saying he is on his game very much. Something to the effect of "Baker gave up 5 runs in six innings in Detroit and 7 excuse me 6 innings in five runs against Kansas City he threw a perfect game through 5 runs."

I am on board, sir.

Oh Cargo, will I ever get sick of you? Yes, but not right now. Running over to that ball like ZOMG BALL and then strolling like Oh yeah I got this.

TOP 2ND

I look at Buehrle's jersey and think "you must remember how to spell his name." And then I don't. But fuck him anyway.

BOTTOM 2ND

Ooooh Car Talk has a facebook page!

Dear Scott Baker, Esq.:

Please stop nibbling the outer half of the plate. As Bert would say, go inside! And hit them in the ribs. I guess.

And then all hell breaks lose and I have to hear those damn fireworks. Way to overdo it, US Cellular field.

Anyway, get AJ out.

Lurve,
RK

While I'm writing LOVER LETTERS:

Dear MLB Flash Player,

I don't want to see highlight graphics pop up on my screen (especially when it's Jimmy Rollins getting a bloop single). Please to be letting me somehow turn this off?

Toodelpip,
RK

It's no coincidence that I'm not talking about the game right now.

DK: figures. I go cook a nice Italian dinner, and Baker goes all suck on me

RK: I think this is Baker's 200th pitch

DK: Of which 183 have been balls

DK: you know it's going to be a morose night when Gordo makes even the foul balls sound scary

RK: Dick thinks they're home runs. To be fair though, he thinks everything hit in the air is a home run

DK: hmm might have to go back to the dinner table...I forgot my daily helping of ANGER SALAD

RK: Dark times in Rivendell. I don't even feel like making a lemnas bread joke

DK: can Baker get a sextuple play and hedge some outs for the 3rd?

DK: finally...Mr. Po[d]se[d]nik goes down

RK: I wonder how many times Coomer has said some variation of "Bert, you're absolutely right?" And do you think this surprises Bert?

DK: Bert is always right. Hence the absolute.

RK: Tautology!

TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 WHITE SOX 3

RK: Anderson gave Baker what-for in the dugout

DK: well the way Gordo's putting it, Scotty wanted to commit seppuku

RK: Hahaha, Bert: "This is war out here! I don't mean to say that word. It's a battle"

DK: Bah

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Dick's canoed down the Crow River - I've canoed down the Crow River!

DK: Kismet! Cargo!

RK: I like his style out there

RK: Ordinarily I'd say hey, it's alright, walk Thome and get Konerko to ground out. But uh...

DK: except that Konerko's already done the anti-groundout once

RK: So who's gonna be the longman tonight?

DK: they'll probably throw Henn to the wolves

RK: Baptism by fire! I like it

DK: "welcome to the bigs. now go get many many bitch sox out" or, translated into Gardy: "Go out there, battle your tail off, work hard and show me your good stuff"

RK: As long as he plays the game The Right Way

TOP 4TH, SAME

DK: someone has clearly replaced OMG with Folgers Crystals

RK: Oohooh! or replaced OMG with GMO

RK: Wellferthelovea

RK: Bert on Buehrle: "He tantalizes you!" GROSS

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Baker recorded an out in the first 4 minutes of an inning?

RK: And then.... a 1-2-3 inning? Could Rocket Bats be gone?

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: Did Redmond pull the ball for a double VERY MUCH?

RK: And did Gomez slam his helmet on the ground VERY HARD?

RK: I am excited to see what Span the Bran Muffin can do

DK: Just cold killing that rally

RK: Damn you, the future

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: If there's one thing I've learned from the Terminator franchise, it's that the future is always bad and full of robots trying to shoot lazer holes into your chest with their big metal guns and then Christian Bale tells you you're not acting professional

RK: Like that

DK: Yep. Or that it's your kids! something's gotta be done about your kids!

RK: The second one is still my favorite, and I'll punch you in the jeans if you disagree with me

DK: i suppose I should stop making back to the future references now that we got rid of Hoverboard

RK: Oh yeeeeeah. Short memory

DK: positive spin: got em right where we...want...them...?

RK: You're charitable. I'd say we got em right where we... got... them

TOP 6TH, BITCH SOX UP 4

OK, DK has a "job" where he "works," so you're stuck with me

THEN JOE MAUER GOES BOOM

And everybody else flies softly out

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS DOWN 3

k-bro, yes! He did! And beautiful nickname! Good nicknames earn you eternal gratitude in my book. You let me know if you need anything.

And Getz "gets" called out on that bunt! Oh it's almost too easy! Almost? Yes, yes, too easy.

Hee hee hee, Buehrle-lap sack. Hee hee hee.

Hey, The Little Red Henn was pitching! Perceptions, I have them.

TOP 7TH? WHY NOT! SAME SCORE

Oh god k-bro, you're giving me Donald Rumsfeld flashbacks. STOP IT.

I can't find the video, but remember when he said that his critics were "Henny Penny the sky is falling" types? Then again, and I say this as a certified Political Scientist, that's a really funny thing to say.

Naked Batting Practice elusively evades the tag and is safe on first, you sly fox!

He's an international art thief for sure.

Well.... that was weird! But a run scores.

BOTTOM 7TH, TWINS ONLY DOWN 2

1) I wonder what AJ was barking at to Jerry White
2) That bat boy in the dugout kinda looked a lot like Anne Hathaway

Aw hell, you gotta hold on to the ball, LNP. Scooter J. Hennessy is probably nervous enough!

Matt Gruyere is up and warming up and that always makes me hungry to say. The cave-aged gruyere at Whole Foods is really good. But then again, for why Whole Foods isn't any better for the environment or organics as your Rainbow, Cub, Sunmart, or Hornbachers, read, oh, anything by Michael Pollan.

Sean? Shawn? I met a Shaun one time and I was like "yeah right."

But he maintained that he knew his name more than I would.

So Scooter it is!

37 highlights! Try and stop me! Jeezy creezy

Well crap... I don't want to say that's the game, but doesn't it kinda feel like it is?

TOP 8TH, RALLY CAPS 6-2 CWS

SHIT

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

Hey, the Eli is in. This does not bode well.

Breslow = Bowlers = Les Brow = Elbows R = Rob Slew = Los Brew = Blowers = Serb Owl (these anagrams done by hand!)

"These kids, from Cuba, latin America, when the weather warms up, they warm up!" Careful Bert!

1-2-3 inning ok! OK just score 5 runs quick.

TOP 9TH, THE REQUIEM

Is the rally starting? Probably not! But we are going to stick it through to the bitter bitter end. Avant!

Avant.

Courage.

POSTGAME

Well, one of these teams had to lose I suppose. Baker? Not looking good, champ. But let's look at the bright side. k-bro gave us some sweet nicknames to add to the lexicon.

Everybody Hurry Up And Relax

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Mon, 18 May 2009 22:51:00 +0000

PREGAME

People, it's been a rough few games. Blood boils, the cup of anger salad runneth over, words that would make a sailor blush are uttered.

(which would be a hearsay exception in the Federal Rules of Evidence for those of you planning on going to law school)

But tonight, we're gonna relax. I don't care if the Yankees score 10 times in the first inning. We're going to keep it low key. Here, I'll start.

This is weird.

TOP 1ST

"I am sick and tired of watching the Yankees celebrate!" You and me both, Bert.

And here's a problem. I can watch the game not 2 minutes in the past and watch it on ESPN. But then I lose Dick and Bert. I think I'll put the game on in the living room and if I hear a cheer I'll brace myself for the next 90 seconds. It's like an early warning system for a nuclear attack but instead of getting into my lead lined bunker with hobo beans and a stack of porno mags, I will clench my teeth.

Buh-what? What was Teixeira doing there? I mean, good on him for getting to wherever the Melky Way decides to throw the ball, but there it is.

OK I turned off ESPN. I'm going to be surprised.

Man, it's going to be easy to relax if it is the Twins who score 10 runs in the first inning. I am cool, calm, and collected.

Seriously, it's a little chilly for mid May in VA and my windows are open. It's almost goosebump chilly in here.

BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS 2 YANKEES 0, OBVIOUSLY

So. That hit by Jeter. Anybody else thinking that the Nicene Crede's back is still a little sore?

Oh dear. I may have to go find another chill-out video on the youtube. A balk?!

I'll just have to do a little mental diversion. Balk is like Gladden's commercials for Bock on the OH SHIT.

I may have to relaxingly boil my face off.

Sigh. There was little doubt hearing that off of Rodriguez's bat. Jeezy creezy. Still, nary an out recorded.

Hey! An out!

Well what the hell.

Let's chill out with "Montok Point" by William Orbit. Good thing I have a big collection of makeout music

So R.A. Dickey is warming up? Could be worse. I went to Yankee Stadium in the fall of 2004 for a Twins game and it went to extra innings and in the 11th Gardy put in Aaron Fultz and I thought well that's that and sure enough Bernie Williams hit a walk-off home run. I made it on TV that day, Dick and Bert noting what brave souls we were.

One good thing about the interweb stream is that sometimes it doesn't cut away when the teevee does, and Dick asked "What happened there?" in a terribly derisive tone. Silver linings people.

TB, we're keeping it stress-free tonight. Like Cafe Disco, without the cafe. Or disco.

Oh Bert, you just quoted Caddyshack. Little tender mercies like this are what gets me through rough patches of gawdawful baseball.

TOP 2ND, TWINS 2 YANKS A MILLION

NB: I didn't mean for that header to be a pun on the phrase "Thanks a million." It was purely coincidental. Just like Omar don't scare, RK don't pun.

That's how you do, LNP. The push bunt past the pitcher, that's the old-school piranta baseball that I love so dearly.

Nothing comes of it, but that's alright, because we're chilling.

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

Hey, Dickey's doing work! Didn't watch much of it because I started watching "The Wire" clips on youtube. You know how it goes.

Re Swisher: "He's got a personality." Not to quibble Dick, but I was under the impression that most everybody has a personality. I don't want to engage in any ontological discussion here, but I think I'm onto something.

And R.A. Dickey shall lead them!

TOP 3RD, SAME

This is a case par excellance why I love the M&M boys. Maybe Mauer gets out, but then Morneau comes back and smashes a ball down the line. See, the thing is, in 2006, Cuddy would knock some folks in, but in 2009? Well.

Probably need some of this right now.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

I suppose I could just talk about myself for a while. So I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (the flagship university, aka "Rocky Top") to give a paper at the International Social Theory Consortium. That is a very impressive sounding conference, and there were impressive people there, but come on now. I gave a paper defending Utopian literature, arguing that fiction sets us free to form a radical subjectivity. What does this have to do with anything? I of course found a way to mention baseball in my speech, as is a hallmark of most all of my academic career.

And this is perhaps a late apology as for why I (and WV) haven't been blogging well of late. I just finished up the semester last week and then gave a paper. I had to finish grading (and then deal with the deluge of emails of "but I'm one point away from [the next highest grade!]) and I have a job now.

I came to grad school because I had a job and I didn't like having to "work" all the time. And the first year of grad school was like college plus. You have a little money because they're paying you to go to school and you just take classes. Then in the second year you write your master's thesis. Then you're supposed to teach your own classes. Then give conference papers and publish journal articles. Then write a dissertation. But don't feel sorry for me because at the end of the day, my job is to read books and talk about them. That's really not so bad.

Also R.A. Dickey is doing a good longman job.

TOP 4TH, SAME

Then the TV comes back and Dick is talking about the Hindenberg and that's awesome.

Also Dick doesn't like New York. Which is weird, but I guess understandable. I like New York.

WHOA HI CUDDY RUXPIN WELCOME TO BASEBALL!

Gomez is doing his best May 2007 impression right now.

And then when I wrote that he stopped immediately. Thank you Cargo.

Hm, well that fizzled, but you gotta hand it to Pena. That was a hell of a play just there.

BOTTOM 4TH, 6-3 JANKEES

Now I know this isn't grounded in any rigorous empirical analysis, but I feel like every time Dick says something good about the team something bad happens.

But then 2 quick outs so I am talking completely out of my ass.

Teixeira's AB music is "I wanna rock" which reminds me of this Avis commercial:

I'm a youtube embedding fiend!

TOP 5TH, SAME

I tried my best to push that ball out with my MIND BULLETS, but to no avail.

That's telekinesis, Kyle!

Well that's it. I'm done.

ON STRIKE

We're Almost There

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 12 May 2009 23:55:00 +0000

PREGAME:

Well, almost there in both terms of the academic year and the standings. The Twins are close, and I have but to refine a paper for a conference on Thursday. Then! Back to baseball, back to blogging, and hopefully gainful summer employment.

It's been a long time. Let's see if I still remember how to do this. Just so you know, when I was in B'more, I took a lot of pictures during warmups. Pictures of booty. I'll share them with you eventually, but I want to get you a little worked up first, y'know?

TOP 1ST

RK: I believe in Slowey gin fizz. He's supposed to be the next Bradke there then

DK: I have full faith that "Slow Ride" will "take it easy" this evenin

RK: Wow that girl was yawning HARD. Like, aren't you excited to be at the Metrodome in its FINAL SEASON?

KK: She's all "I'm le tired...and thought it was wednesday for dollar dome dogs, le whine."

RK: What are the Tuesday Metrodome promos?

KK: I think half price home run porch? And "I wish it was Wednesday days"

RK: If I knew a guy named Greg Anderson, I'd call him Granderson. Not Curtis

DK: Slowey with a 3-ball count, I may faint

KK: If the game was outside, it would be in a rain delay. Sometimes I will miss the dome just for that reason and uh, thats about it.

DK: 4 pitch walk from Slowey *faints*

KK: Slowey please don't suck right away, I mean at least build me up then crush my hopes and dreams. better yet let the bullpen do that.

DK: QTF, ump, oh, never mind. It's Ed Rapuano. His strike zone is the size of a postage stamp, and worth far less than $0.43

KK: Sometimes I wish Kevin Slowey was a ground out pitcher not a fly out. Less of a stress factor.

DK: I wonder if Clete Thomas' nickname is "Spike"

KK: Clete, cleats, spike, ouch, pain, blood, zombie.

DK: I see no holes in that reasoning

KK: Clete Thomas is a zombie.

RK: That sounds like something a zombie would say...

DK: There's your ground ball KK

KK: ......DOUBLE PLAY! I can haz? Oh why thank you SO MUCH.

DK: And up steps the douchebag. A scary, but productive inning

BOTTOM 1ST, AT LEAST FOR ME, MY GAME IS DELAYED SO IT'S PROBABLY THE 5TH INNING AND IT MAKES FOR ANACHRONISTIC LIVEBLOGGING. SO.

RK: Guys, let's hope this game ends before 5:00 am EDT. Blogger's gonna have a scheduled outage

DK: Pfft...let's play 83!

RK: I won't rest till Punto pitches an inning. And does a headfirst slide off the mound to finish his delivery

RK: I'd like to see the Ford defense graphics try to not be so future-y. Like y'know ,a sepia tone and a harpsichord playing in the background. And a hyphen in "Short-stop"

KK: I have a theory as to why Manny was taking those women fertility drugs, it isn't actually from a pill. Clete is a zombie, matt tolberts walk on song is "zombie" by the cranberries, Clete bit Magglio Whoredonez because he's an 80's porn star, then he went on and bit Manny. Did I mention Magglio is actually a woman? And when he bit Manny he got injected with PMS, Post Magglio Suckage.

DK: Zombie thievery!

KK: ZOMBIES STEAL HOME RUNS, along with brains and blood.

DK: OMG shall have his revenge. Mark my words

DK: RK, they should do that whilst they wear their super sexy throwback jerseys.

RK: I hope Dlmn was taking notes on how to track a ball that's in the air

DK: TB and I have dubbed Dlmn "Roomba," as he goes around in circles yet still manages to suck in everything

RK: Let it be done!

TOP 2ND

RK: OH MY LORD AND SAVIOR, SIR SYDNEY POITIER, I MAY BE IN TOWN FOR AN ALL YOU CAN EAT SEAT

DK: Leaving the bag early takes its toll, Bert!

KK: Whenever I see Magglio I sing "let your soul gloooooow!"

KK: Oh, that double play was most good, but.....or...what? Okay if he isn't touching the base and he tried to run to second I think that he should be out.

DK: I guess he tagged up

RK: Well the right call's the right call

KK: wild pitch? whats next, a home run? RK, I know it is but in my mind it isn't. Just like how every single game I find a reason why it's Cuddyers fault

RK: Yeah, you'll change your mind when you see the pictures from Cuddy's pornographic stretching routine

KK: Can I say I can have sexual feelings for someone, and want to see said pornographic stretching photographs and also hate said person at the same time?

DK: I don't think that's possible, either you want him or you hate him, KK

KK: Don't make me choose! I can't! It's not fair!

RK: Actually that makes sense. To all my ex-girlfriends

DK: Ah but see that's after they got to know you

KK: I want him........not to suck. And lately he 's been a very good boy.

BOTTOM 2ND

KK: I just want to throw this out here, since they are showing Joe Mauer now. I might be getting a new kitten and I am temped to name it "meower". Cute or CUTEST cat name ever?

TB: I see what you did there. I like it. Find one with sideburns

KK: Or I can name it Cuddyer and kick it and say it fails me. I'm kidding. I don't even know where this sudden hate for Cuddyer. And would it be animal abuse if I make the cat have sideburns

RK: Yeah, you're not making any friends with Cuddy Buddies

DK: giving it sideburns would be abuse, but kicking it is ok?

RK: LOGIC

KK: But see I'd never name my cat Cuddyer so there will be no kitty kicking.

DK: I'm full of logic today RK, seeing as I just watched 2+ hours of Zach Quinto getting his Vulcan on

TB: Well well well. CCR is back. Nice to see we won't have another weekend of BBuscher fielding groundballs...

RK: "Are YOU a facebook fan of Fox Sports North yet?" Did I catch a slightly accusatory tone in Dick's voice?

DK: I believe you did. In fact, I felt guilt

TB: Ball go bye bye

DK: BOOM

KK: CREDE HOME RUNS ARE WAY BETTER THAN REGULAR HOME RUNS.

DK: doesn't quite have the same effect when Roomba does it

KK: He is a gorgeous man. A beatiful man. Roomba just ruined my star trek/crede happy high.

TB: Methinks he needs to return to the docking station

KK: Nicholas Paul Punto... sigh.

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 2-0

DK: Bert Blyleven. Better than YOUR color commentator. FACT.

TB: Slowey doesn't know what to do with the minimized strike zone. I can see it now: "Today, I pitched with an umpire that never called outside corner or inside corner. I'm a guy who paints corners. FML"

DK: I agree, his life is f'd

KK: That would totally be his twitter for the day. Wait is it under 140 characters?

DK: while Tiger fans would tell him "You deserved it"

TB: Joe Nathan memorized that. No joke. He was just looking off to the side because he's camera-shy.

DK: hey now...it's a few more words than "Got you with the slider"

KK: Joe Nathan is so awkward

TB: The Motor City Kitties will be taking over the LOB crown soon

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

KK: Who wears a hawaiian shirt to twins games? Oh douchebags do.

TB: I conclude that Crede is substantiated as H < 270

DK: I think Tolbert just exceeded Sandcastle's sac bunt total

KK: Tolbert needs to teach the whole team how to bunt. Bunt master.

TB: Starting with Pinko

KK: OMG, REVENGE. HAVE IT.

DK: REVENGE SHALL BE MINE!!

KK: JOE MAUER, ZOMBIE KILLER.

DK: I tried pitching inside to Joe Mauer once. It did not go well

KK: Did you know that one weakness for zombies is home runs by studly minnesotan boys? Weird huh?

TB: If anybody has experience about watching homeruns go out, it's Bert

RK: I'll have to readjust my zombie survival kit to one (1) Joe Mauer

DK: and one (1) outside belt-high fastball

RK: "Straight up old school baseball at its finest," huh Coom? I mean, I always thought baseball was more straight up old school baseball but perhaps in the 1870s it was a game of gentlemen manager-players waxing each others' moustachios and waxing philosophic

TOP 4TH, BAILOUT BOMBERS 0 YOUR MNTWINS 4

TB: Definitely slow riding and taking it easy.

RK: That song will forever and ever remind me of the film Dazed and Confused

TB: Tolbert you ass

KK: Matt Tolbert, NEVER TAKE A BALL FROM NICK PUNTO

RK: You know what would be awesome? An out. Or 2

TB: Slow Ride you goofball. Why can't you just have four normal shutout innings

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

TB: For some reason I keep forgetting that we get to bat too. I just like watching Slowey make baserunners magically disappear

DK: its pure voodoo trickery, I tell you. it's like the Dome basepaths are a singularity

TOP 5TH SAME

TB: And now, Brendan Harris in-dugout-because-of-mancrush-on-Punto correspondent

DK: Brendan Harris sounds like he's 14

DK: I can totally imagine Bert setting shoes on fire

TB: Oh I bet they just love doing that.

DK: Double plays are mad hot

TB: Well, um. Matt Tolbert web gem? I did not expect that

RK: Redemption!

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: Dontrelle Willis is going tomorrow?

TB: Affirmative.

RK: I suppose that's good news. For the fightin' geminis

KK: Kevin Slowey gives me heart palpitations. And wow I make a good chicken philly.

DK: what happened? I blinked and we're not batting anymore

TOP 6TH, SAME

KK: So I used string cheese, not provalone for my philly since I have no provalone. And it's kind of amazing. Okay I'm done bragging about my cooking skills. I shouldn't talk, should I RK?

KK: I dont like home runs when our team doesn't hit them, simply put.

TB: Teh shutout iz gon

RK: I'm just happy when people cook for themselves in any capacity. It's not hard and it's cheaper and better for the Earth the end. Off the soapbox

TB: You have inspired me, I may go warm up my EasyMac now.

DK: Remember to use water, TB

RK: Close enough. Gotta eat what you got, right? Your mom would be happy you're cleaning your plate

KK: Awwww RK, being all cute about the earth and stuff. Plus Morneau eats mac and cheese so it's a super awesome food.

TB: Today's Tuesday. If they've only been down University twice I would be very surprised

RK: It's on my mind, I just finished my Political Economy of Digestion seminar paper today

KK: You are so full of fancy sass.

TB: Also, whatever I don't eat will be thrown into my car to take home and then sit in my cupboard at home forever

RK: I feel like we're off topic. Weird.

BOTTOM 6, 4-1 TWINS

TB: Tie goes to the runner

TB: Roomba: Steady diet of sliders and can't digest any of them.

TB: Dick is helping along our food theme tonight, I see

KK: Oh, DLMN YNG HT Hm rn

TB: I'll take that

KK: Double plays, you're doin' it wrong

KK: I just laughed at how Dick said gallaraaagaa's name.

KK: I enjoy Joe Credes slicked back hair. It's so like early 90s beach model.

DK: oh god....they're warming up the wrecking Crain

RK: Span the Bran Muffin better bring in at least 2 here

KK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DK: oh sure NOW he calls one off the corner

TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 4

TB: We need to create an account called Allowance for Doubtful Insurance Runs. And fill it up with a big number when Crain comes in.

DK: we lack the grades to back up the Accounting jokes, TB

RK: Made perfect sense to me, but uh, I'm brilliant. ... and modest

TB: Have I ever fallen off a bicycle, Dick? I'm from Oronoco, you fall off your bike and consider it a good day. Fall out of a tree or off the roof and then come ask me about bikes

KK: Joe Mauer is the Mildred of baseball.

TB: I...FOUR DOLLARS?!

DK: let's get Denarded in here

(These rough beasts started talking about Nick Punto's ass, and I've been a bit busy, so just, y'know, imagine that)

BOTTOM 7TH, 5-2 TWINS

KK: I am glad they just showed a couple making out, furthering the reason why I think bert is a dirty old man who eats goldfish, crickets, and night crawlers.

RK: The latter is true separately

TOP 8TH, SAME, YES? I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE

TB: That guy in the pepsi commercial sounds like the chocolate rain guy

KK: We do live in America, I wouldn't doubt it for a second that it's actually him.

RK: He has a name. His name is Robert Paulson. I mean Tay Zonday

TB: Yeah, if Mag didn't go on that pitch, I don't know what to think

KK: Jose Mijares' eyes creep me out. Soul sucking, they are.

KK: Matty G does work, son

TB: Well, good.

BOTTOM 8TH, THE BULLPEN HAS BRIDGED THE GAP. COURAGE

TB: Iceman is silly

RK: I like how he needles Bert. I don't think Bert wants absurdity competition

KK: Iceman is most good.

RK: Doubleplusgood

TB: Time for super awesome home run

KK: Iceman is challenging Berts sass....and what did gomez do get shot with an invisible paint ball?

(Stuff is happening and a run scored, but the final paper for the class I teach is due tomorrow, so I'm being innundated with emails, so chill)

TOP 9TH, TWINS UP 4

KK: Tweak is such a spazz ass. I'm shocked he hasn't had a stroke yet from all the stress he puts on himself.

RK: So I'm sure the game is over by now, but I'm still on the second batter. Somebody from the future?

KK: Nathan got spiked OH NOES, that was some fancy dance moves he just did. He was so two stepping.

RK: He's just gonna rub some dirt on it

POSTGAME

Well I did a terrible job transcribing this liveblog. My apologies to DK, KK, TB, and all other two letter combinations and permutations. But! A win!

So...Um...Interns?

noreply@blogger.com (DK) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 00:08:00 +0000

So WV and RK are sadly in absentia this evening, thus we shall continue on with their presence in spirit only.

PREGAME

It's hardly been a quiet two weeks in the world of baseball. There's the predictable (like the Yankees getting thumped at Fenway), the not so predictable (the Pittsburgh Pirates), and the downright absurd (two words: Zack Grienke, QTF?). Anyone who's a fan of the law of averages has to be having a ball right about now...

Anyway, el beisbol.

TOP FIRST

Hey look. flashes of Scott Baker. And flashes of inept umpiring.

Bert says that Rocket Bats needs to "bend over" more when he pitches. Not even gonna touch that one.

Hey cool. Only in the Metrodome do foul line drives = extra base hits. Must be some of that "creative accounting" at work. Suddenly I see the appeal of instant replay.

Bert: "Hey Coomer what're you smoking down there?" I sense impending fisticuffs in the break.

...Oh for the love of...

BOTTOM FIRST

Right, well baserunners. That's a start.

Bert: "Kubel is probably the plumpest guy in our lineup"

Dick: "Plumpest?"

Bert: "Yeah, plumpest."

Dick: "Right. 2-0 to the Michelin Man."

If the object of this game were to leave runners on base, I daresay the Twins would never lose.

TOP SECOND

Well, this is going infinitely better so far.

BOTTOM SECOND, RAYS UP A DEUCE

*yawn* 1-2-3. How bout that.

TOP 3RD, SAME

One can almost see Rocket Bats' inner struggle unfolding on the mound. 3 pitches down, 2 pitches up. Repeat.

Hey I like this now.

BOTTOM 3RD

Span the Bran Muffin ripping Niemann's no-hitter straight to right field.

HIT AND RUN DO IT

...or just walk. 2 on for Dr. Neau.

Riiiiiiight. We needs a Kubelution

Weirdest. Double steal. Ever.

*facepalm*

TOP 4TH, SAME

This has all the makings of a Dark Beard-esque start for Rocket Bats.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

Right, c'mon guys. See ball, hit ball.

See? Dlmn gt th mm.

Oh look. 2 on, 1 out. Where have I seen this before?

Yep. Same thing, different inning.

TOP 5TH, SAME

DK: If only Sandcastle were made of Silly Putty.

DK: Bleh. Wild pitches = BAD. Idea: strand the runner.

DK: Well, so much for that idea.

TB: Right. I'm here, we can score now

DK: Leviathan really not having a good day back there.

TB: The Leviathan makes sure his ass is on a plane to Rochester on Friday

DK: In a word, crap.

TB: Right, So umm.

TB: Positive spin: Rocket Bats has quieted down and now allows runs like normal pitchers do.

DK: Activity in the pen.

TB: R.A. Dickey seems to warm up at the exact wrong time. "Wait, him? No..."

DK: Rays batting .800 with RISP. Twins batting .000. Coincidence? I think not.

DK: OK, like srsly guyz. Hit the ball already.

BOTTOM 5TH, RECENTLY EXORCISED BATOIDAEA 4, TWINS 0

TB: Death by a million fly balls?

DK: OK guys. If you're going to bunt, bunt. Don't fake a bunt and run out of the box scared before the pitch crosses the plate. Like really.

TB: Well...I...oh dear.

TOP 6TH, SAME

TB: Dear K-Bro: Would you rather have a tired Baker or R.A, Dickey in the sterile Metrodome air? Speaking of, has anybody ever measured the atmospheric pressure of the Dome? Seems like it would be higher

DK: Rocket Bats looks downright bi-polar.

TB: Well yeah, he is constantly in a battle to find his true self

DK: Right, I grow tired of repeating the mantra, but RUNS

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

TB: That'd be an out in Oakland.

DK: That'd be an out on a slo-pitch softball field.

DK: They do know there's an area beyond that wall where the outfielders can't catch it, right?

TB: You mean like that?

DK: Precisely. Someone must've charged up his solar cell.

TB: I'm waiting for the day he strikes out before the P.A. guy gets to "..Cuddyer"

DK: Beis on Bols, which seems like it’s our 17th one this game.

TB: You know, I think my friend Nick has a pair of glasses exactly like Joe Maddon's. Got 'em at a 50's car show. True story.

TB: Oh HELLZ yeah.

DK: I was under the impression that all you got at '50s car shows were '50s cars.

TB: Grant Ball-four has seven walks so far this season. Hilarity ensues.

DK: I'm going to chalk that one up to osmosis.

TB: Or the correct alignment of Jupiter. Some sort of mysterious mysteria.

DK: Yep. That was almost too predictable.

TOP 7TH, SHUTOUT GONE, STILL LOSING

DK: Well, at least that first knuckleball ended up in Leviathan's glove, and not somewhere in Anoka.

DK: Initial on initial hate right there - R.A. picks off B.J.

TB: R.A. should play catcher. He has as many putouts on the basepaths as does Leviathan

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

TB: Red hats? Are they Twins fans or Linux developers?

DK: It's that open source movement taking over baseball.

DK: All Leviathan does is hit line drives.

TB: Can't catch a pitch-out though.

DK: Sssshhh. Positive spin.

DK: I hear "Thriller". You know what that means.

TB: Why Pinko must be here.

TB: Some states would put you on the sex offender list for wanting to come up to the plate to the music of "Thriller".

DK: Two pitches right on the outside “corner” right there. Methinks something is afoot. Bert concurs and says that Dick should put on a chest protector and go down there.

TB: FORE!

DK: Fucklion time.

TB: All you can eat seats tomorrow. Rumor has it Livan Hernandez will be in attendance.

DK: There's a pitch called a Vulcan splitter?

TB: Obviously Span didn't know that.

TB: Cheeze louize Morneau. Swing the bat.

DK: That, be definition, is an atom ball.

TOP 8TH, STILL NOT WINNING

TB: Hey that umpire has a pretty cool mustache.

DK: I sense a small disagreement.

TB: A disagreement with the call and reality. Clearly we are not in the same frame as the Ump.

DK: Oh Bert...”Tie goes to the pitcher”, naturally.

TB: Morales obviously is not a master of the knuckleball

DK: I’m curious as whether OMG will catch knuckleballs, or whether the knuckleballs will just flock to his glove out of respect to his awesomeness.

TB: Well, uhhh

DK: Bert with an astute observation there: "That didn't knuckle".

TB: Pena has nine HR. Crazy shit right there. On pace to hit 85.

DK: any day the Yankees fall below .500 is a happy day.

TB: Well, 77. That’s my California math. I apologize.

DK: And Gabe 12x12 flies out.

TB: Yuk yuk yuk. Bert, you rock.

BOTTOM 8TH, CARTILAGINOUS SEA CREATURES 6, GEMINI 1

DK: In the postgame: Ron Coomer and Bert Blyleven on stealing bases. An authoritative study right there.

TB: Maybe they should bring David Ortiz and Sidney Ponson too just to add to the expertise.

DK: Yep, and then tomorrow we can bring in Denny Hocking to talk about hitting for power.

TB: I went to a game once and Denny Hocking hit a walk-off home run. Fact.

DK: CCR running the batting gamut here.

DK: Remember when all Cuddyer did was hit doubles?

DK: Gee, wonder where I've seen the Pear King do that before.

TOP 9TH, SAME

DK: Span just cold hauling that in.

DK: Aaaand Bartlett 1, Dlmn 0. That trade's really not looking too hot about now

TB: It is of course natural that Bartlett can now hit home runs. Joe Vavra you fool.

BOTTOM 9TH, DOWN BY A HALF DOZEN

TB: How the hell do you not pinch hit Brendan for Punto here. I guess in the grand scheme of things it is not so important.

DK: Down to his last out, Gardy's in manage-by-numbers mode.

DK: Maybe he doesn't want to throw the last piece of the Dlmn/Garza/Bartlett trade out there to prove that it was an epic fail.

TB: Oh look, Punto swung at an awful pitch.

DK: Well, fiddlesticks.

Alack and Alas

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:59:00 +0000

We are unable to blog tonight. Not because we don't want to, but damn, we have a lot of schoolwork to do. Hold fast all, the semester is over soon.

WV and/or RK

RIP Well, Everybody

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 23:39:00 +0000

PREGAME

I don't mean to make light of course, but good god, everybody in baseball died this week.

But part of the beauty is that the game goes on. Or however Kevin Costner said it in Field of Dreams. So coming off a promising start to a short roadtrip (how about Friday night? I was in our Nation's Capital representin') that quickly devolved into the nightmare early season Comiskey road trips of old (at least Joe Crede didn't hit a home run for the Ashen Hosiery, but then again, maybe he did?). Keep the ball down fellas. And leave the assbats at home. It doesn't feel like the Twins have lost more games than they've won, but there it is. 3-4. Numbers don't lie. Nor do my hips.

TOP FIRST

"When they do score a lot of runs, of course they win!" I will never get sick of Bert. Never ever.

Welp, 1 out, 2 on, a double play ball is in order. And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I get the impression if OMG were behind the plate, hitters would be waving at more of these down and away sliders, and hey there's the double play ball!

I like it when life works out.

BOTTOM FIRST

Thing I Just Learned: "Midden" is a word. I was getting ready to [sic] that puppy up in my essay, but good thing I consulted the interwebs! It's a series of tubes!

TOP SECOND

This is not going like I envisioned in my head. I remember, and perhaps you do too, roundabouts 2002/2003 when the Twins couldn't lose to the Blue Birds? Even when it was Halladay/Rick Reed you thought oh, Rick Reed is gonna kill 'em.

I'm just anxious about the starters because I refuse to entertain the idea of a sophomore slump. Because that would affect pretty much everybody who starts. And I can't handle that.

Thankfully Lindt Chocolate doesn't know how to run the bases! Just your standard 3-5 DP.

See and then those bloops fall in and I hate that. Jeezy creezy.

But it could have been worse.

BOTTOM SECOND, BJs UP 1

Iceman! Tell me what's good!

Say you want a Kubelution! Weeeeelll y'know, Bert, I was wondering how you were going to tie that broadcaster's death to the HR. Surprisingly classy, guy. Well done.

Kalas died in the same booth I stalked Don Sutton in. Memories.

Uh boy, that probably didn't go anything like anybody thought.

Good baserunning Dlmn! See, he knows, playing a kooky left field, that the way oh, so and so who cares who he is, played it, (Snyder! Thanks Bert) but all funky, so turn on the wheels for the RBI Man, Nikolai K Punto!

Wow, I was joking LNP, but I'm glad you took me serious-like.

Are the boys in a slump? Could this be a slump-busting game? MORE TO COME

TOP 3RD, TORONTULAS 1 TWINGOS 3

1 pitch, 1 out! From Bert's lips to my fingers.

ALL YOU CAN EAT SEATS ARE BACK! Somebody who is more intrepid and industrious than I look to see if there are any in mid-late August. Because. Maybe. Just maybe. Somebody who's name rhymes with Par-lay will be in MSP.

Bert you are getting all meta on me! Bert Blyleven is watching you.

Man, Leviathan, I totally understand why you got out of the good Doctor's way. That is 530 pounds of 9'12" man sliding in their to grab that ball.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

It should be the Vikings Draught Party: AMIRITE?

Who didn't Bert pitch for? Well uh that's that.

TOP 4TH

Damn blast hell and spite! Cuddy almost had him! Lindt chocolate, I've had about enough of you (I also say this when I have had enough actual Lindt chocolate)

BOTTOM 4TH, 3-2 GEMINIS

Dammit, I hate when the Grand Casino commercials get in the way of first pitch XBH's (extra base hits. is this already a metric?

All Buscher does is hit doubles. I'm telling you.

Injured pitcher so I'm gonna put on some tea.

And is that that?

TOP 5TH, 4-2 GOOD GUYS

WV: I think he just scattered one to the upper deck.

RK: Wasn't Snyder a bad guy in one of the 3 Ninjas movies?

WV: Could be. I recall someone named "Tum Tum", perhaps an younger variation of Leroy.

RK: I remember singing "Rocky loves Emily" on the bus. In college. College.

Well anyway it's 4-3. We're working on some technical and visual difficulties

BOTTOM 5TH, J's DOWN A RUN

RK: Sandcastle smallballin' it

WV: That's a long single... errr double

RK: That ball was going 783 MPH

RK: Span the Bran Muffin - too fast for the naked eye

WV: They need to steal second so that Buscher hits a double.

RK: It's like a magical configuration.

WV: Cito Gaston is the Dorian Gray for sportsdom.

RK: Tally Hall keeping base stealing threat Kubel on the bag

TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 3

RK: Scott Rolen. Who the hell is this guy?

RK: Anyway, being forward looking - I hope one day our guys can get a quality start

WV: So, holding the lead would be great.... I... I should say that more often.

RK: It's a luxury we often take for granted

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1

WV: Not to disrespect the dead, but what's the big deal with Mark Fidrych

RK: I have no idea who that really is. And I know that makes me terrible

RK: Scott Rolen will never be Mike Schmidt!

WV: Man the Yankees are awful

RK: I feel like this game is taking forever

WV: It must have the same producers as ER.

TOP 7TH, SAME?

WV: Gruyere, not melting under pressure.

RK: Generally not your fondue cheese

WV: But excellent for a croque monsieur.

RK: Or on triscuits!

WV: Go to Breslow - an intelligent decision. Because he, you know, went to a small liberal arts college in Connecticut.

RK: Yeah, the name eludes me

WV: Something makes me want to call it Fail. That's right, the Fail Slumdogs, whose natural rival is Hogwarths.

WV: We'll see if it was fortuitous that that was a strike out instead of a foul tip.

The Slowey Foods Movement

noreply@blogger.com (WV) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:05:00 +0000

PREGAME

RK and I are going to go off on what seems like an obfuscate and senseless digression - but bear with us, it ends up at Carlos Silva. But mostly, it's a moo cow!

RK: To understand baseball is to understand that the game played is not baseball as such. Let me be clear: baseball qua baseball (the theoretical foundation of this blog) is the noumena of baseball, but thing in esse
The game played is but a representation of various nodal points in the myriad contingencies and infinite possibilities of this noumena: in effect, the game played is the phenomenological understanding

WV: The interesting part of this myriad network of contingencies is that the whole phenomenon is bounded, like a non-neurotic id, by a system of rules and boundaries. By being subjected to an order, one can think of a baseball subject.

RK: That's right, this is the finite infiniteness. Nothing exists - the noumena after all only exists in that we observe phenomena - but once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, the universe can start. From that single node, necessarily

WV: True. In the sense that what we're observing is a "subject", there is introduced a sense of otherness, and also an ethics. Meaning, there is a right and a wrong way to cognitively analyze the game.

RK: And since we're not part of the game, we're others othering, opening up (I can't believe I'm referring to Derrida again) infinite ethics. And the ethics are simple: the game comes into us, and flows through us, and out of us. The way of watching, enjoying and analyzing it are many and varied - but there is also a correct and incorrect way to do this. The correct way is to revel. Revel in improbably comebacks, in hitters making good, in pitchers throwing strikes, and in Carlos Silva's specialty: the Sinker That Doesn't Sink

WV: Like I said, a moo cow.

TOP 1ST

WV: "FS Twins": The team that pumps gas for you.

RK: Fox Sports is always already localizing their coverage. From Fox Sports to Fox Sports North to Fox Sports Twins

WV: Jose Morales is hoping this thing wraps up before his curfiew, lest his parents ground him.

RK: Yeah, he's younger than some of the students I have

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: "15-Game Loser", with emphasis on the end of the phrase.

RK: I feel like Silva has no business recording an out - this has raised my expectations to titanic heights

TB: Sandcastle needs no stinkin' second pitch

WV: If things get dull, let's break down how much Silva is making per pitch.

RK: Maybe it's the uniforms but I don't notice 30-35 lb losses/gains. Maybe I just have an enlightened concept of body image

TB: Oh yeah, home runs do occur in baseball. Fascinating.........Like that.

WV: Nice that that occurs while Bert's talking about Silva "making things happen".....touché, Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Morneau is taking the dome roof down one ball puncture at a time

WV: With all these shots to right field, I have this nagging desire to purchase power tools....but I just can't think of where I can do it.....oh what's the name of that place...Hanley's? Stanky's? Oh, I'll just never remember.

RK: Sharkey's Wrench Emporium and Trade Expo Center. Pretty sure about that. 100 bucks

TOP 2ND, TWINS UP A DEUCE

WV: Why this game is fit to be tied.

RK: Silva, thou art loosed!

WV: I think the M's have figured out that Slowey throws strikes.

TB: It's a good thing they got rid of Ibanez or else we'd really be in trouble

RK: I believe there will be a timely GIDP. Then again, I believe in a lot of things that don't happen

TB: Slowey should probably just grow a goatee and complete the Radke-esqueness

WV: Rattled, ruffled. Dick, I see your confusion. One connotes a snake, the other a grouse. On one hand you're being threatened, on the other your threatening. It's ok. I can also speak in antithesis.

RK: The dialectic is, after all, according to David Harvey, how we naturally think

WV: On that plane, Slowey should start envisioning lazy fly balls.

RK: Slowing time would open up space

WV: See: This is the dialectic. That space was necessary so that Silva could pitch.

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED

RK: I have a good feeling the Span is gonna just cold bat a run in

WV: He'll unleash all of his fucklioness.

WV: Dick's befuddlement at Carlos staying in Minnesota during a "long miserable winter" has now alienated the entire fanbase.

RK: And there it is!

TB: Knocked that ball out. Cold.

WV: Stanley, that's it.

RK: "Explodes the bat right there" Exactly Bert

TB: I'm certain there's a rule against conventional dynamite in bats.

TOP 3RD, TWINS 4, M'S 2

RK: "Span the Man?" Gimme a call Dick, I'll teach you how to nickname

TB: What's next, Crede the Sweetie?

RK: Though I'm afraid "fucklion" is probably not conducive to cable television

WV: How about "Slowey the Flowbee"

RK: Casilla the Quesadilla

TB: Punto the C-- uhh...nevermind

WV: I have to say, I miss Telly and all of his awkwardness and parapraxis.

RK: Yeah, who will Telly it like it is?

WV: Poor Telly, an innocent victim of the stranglehold of Merriam Webster's semantic hegemony.

RK: You'll be happy to know Telly now works for the Brewers

WV: Is he the guy that goes down the slide when they hit homeruns?

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: Fan alienation continues: Bert picked Yankees to win AL Pennant. That's even worse than the alienation from my labor

TB: At least I hope he jinxed it. Personally I'm looking for the Bombers to lose 110 games

TOP 4TH

WV: Not a good trend with all these dingers.

RK: Must be the springtime Colorado air?

RK: Thank you for the update, Uncontrollable Id - but at least they have the new stadium! It doesn't matter if they never win another game!

WV: Ugh. Slowey's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.

RK: It's like he's having almost good series against hitters

WV: What on earth is happening?

RK: Yeah, where did my good feelings go?

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS DOWN 1

WV: Just 1 run, it's still good, it's still good.

RK: I always hold on to hope

TOP 5TH

WV: It's not often that I prefer reading Lacan to watching baseball

RK: Yeah, my alternative is writing about Critical Discourse Analysis - which, I mean, is just the discourse analysis of Discourse Analysis, right?

WV: I suspect that that might be redundant. Just a hunch.

WV: You should just write "Discourse Analysis" onto a page and turn it in.

RK: It'd be a sealed text

BOTTOM 5TH

(Pulling A Blyleven is experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy the insane ramblings of RK)

This is the inning the boys get to Silva! I know this because Span the Bran Muffin just cold coaxed a walk. Do you even know how many walks he has issued in his career? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!

I don't either but I assume it is not many. OK here we are.

RK: Morneau straight husltin'!

WV: Now this is more like a Silva start.

RK: I love being right

WV: Right now they're explaining infinite ethics and othered otherness to Gordito on the mound.

RK: Yeah, keeping with the Kantian theme from the Pregame: Silva proves his maxim that "All bodies are extended"
Some more than others.

6TH

WV and RK: uhh...BASEBALL!

TOP 7TH

WV: Breslow went to Yale, y'know. Did you know that? Huh? Ivy League?

RK: He's a nuclear chemist astronaut!

RK: But you know, it's not art until it's been valorized

WV: Hold your tongue, Bourdieu!

RK: Hahaha, Leviathan was pointing to the wrong base. Redmond will attend to that, to be sure

WV: And Griffey can sit down.

WV: YALE! Scientists! Building things!

RK: Science! Industry! Technology!

BOTTOM 7TH

WV: Dimples, dimples, dimples.

RK: Buh, jibbabuh, wha?

WV: If that had been Breslow on second....he would've invented nuclear fushion with the base.

RK: Cuddy looked like his mom was gonna yell at him for that. Maybe she will

TOP 8TH

RK: "The back of your bubblegum card." Well i'm intrigued

WV: What's a baseball card?

RK: I like this "Market Monday." As if we couldn't further distort the importance of the DJIA in our everyday lives

WV: The dow is directly related to my personal self esteem, even though it affects me in no way, shape or form.

Wait a second.......

False consciousness? Hmmm? Engels? Bagels?

RK: Look man, all I want is a damn number to tell me everything I need to know

WV: Imagine if we could reduce other phenomena to a number. Like, cosmopolitanism, or imperialism.

RK: Another example of how baseball is a noumena - the numbers therewith only serve fleeting phenomenological ends

BOTTOM 8TH

WV: So this Crede guy.....

RK: I'm always one to root for the guys, but Crede has looked ugly tonight

TOP 9TH/POSTGAME

RK: Nathan's looking sharp.

RK: And that's 200 for Joe!

WV: Our bullpen, doing it's job this season. And Slowey picks up a Livan win.

RK: And so one of the infinite possibilities of the phenomenological representations of the noumena comes to pass. And who doesn't love it when that representation puts a W in the Twins' favor?

Shoulda Been The Powder Blue

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 23:45:00 +0000

PREGAME

Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:

Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.

TOP FIRST

KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.

RK: Of course he did

KK: He just pulled a...himself.

DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos

KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.

RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault

KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.

DK: Who's the new sideline guy?

RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"

KK: I think he's a big deal.

RK: It's Jose Morales!

KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.

RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate

DK: QTF, Nikolai

RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs

KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?

RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass

DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat

DK: Looking for positive spin

RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist

KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.

KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.

RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would

KK: And to father time Redmond.

DK: dlmn mks th ctch

RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters

DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.

BOTTOM FIRST

KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?

RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop

DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not

TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks

RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion

DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year

RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good

DK: Shhh, don't tell them that

RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress

DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is

RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?

DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs

RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son

TOP SECOND

RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism

DK: Bert's optimism = win

TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede

RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede

TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there

KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.

RK: Or both! See how that works out

BOTTOM SECOND

RK: Well, not much to say there

TOP THIRD

KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?

DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone

RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now

RK: I miss OMG's arm

DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense

RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!

KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.

DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that

RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip

DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock

RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB

DK: Still can't get Beltre out

KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.

DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are

RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later

BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0

RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04

KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.

DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow

KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.

RK: How embarrassing

TOP FOURTH

KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE

DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"

RK: He looked pretty out to me

DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here

BOTTOM FOURTH

RK: The revival!

DK: That swing was pretty

DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?

TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS

KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.

DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!

RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song

RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!

DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop

KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.

DK: warming up H3

KK: Excite

RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him

DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie

RK: HELL YES

DK: in a word, w00t

BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!

DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"

RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple

RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez

KK: Punto, RBI Plz?

DK: Well, baserunners

RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line

DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos

KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.

RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick

DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"

KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.

TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3

RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?

RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question

KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.

RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.

DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored

RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored

KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.

DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there

KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.

RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?

DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins

DK: 98 MPH?

RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous

RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;

KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.

RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight

BOTTOM 6TH

Hahahahaha

TOP 7TH

RK: Crede, keepin' busy

DK: There we go, baseball gods listened

BOTTOM 7TH

KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.

RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches

SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.

RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past

SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.

KK: Betancourt is the devil.

RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag

TOP 8TH

RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good

BOTTOM 8TH

...

TOP 9TH

RK: What to say?

KK: Ayalalayalayala

RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten

RK: Jeezy creezy

TB: Eerrrrgh

KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.

TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?

RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably

BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE

TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock

KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.

TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars

DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit

RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?

DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet

KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.

TB: Cmn Dlmn

KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....

TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn

KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.

TB: Gdeye Gogoez

KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.

TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?

RK: I can haz Kubelution?

TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?

RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!

KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.

TB: Buscher. Well then

DK: how was that not a balk?

DK: I sense a meltdown

TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember

KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.

TB: It's fucklion time.

RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it

TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"

DK: that'll work

TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again

RK: FUCK YES

KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!

DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!

TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."

RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him

POSTGAME

Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.

Let's Get Restarted In Here

noreply@blogger.com (WV) — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:06:00 +0000

PREGAME

RK: They've been saving up years to start at the new field

WV: For the record, it's currently 43 degrees in Minneapolis.

RK: I hear from live correspondent KK that Carlos Silva was booed

WV: Well, that's better than being jumped by a mass mob of snarly Woebegoners

WV: Dlmn starts the season on the bench, I'm going to long for the hard hit grounders to second base.

DK: Alas...I'm going to long for the absence of all vowels from my speech

WV: Vwls rly arnt ncssry

DK: they're wearing 1982 throwbacks...those look best on the radio I hear

WV: I'll be expecting Mickey Hatcher and Roy Smalley to sub in.

TOP 1ST

WV: That awful screeching sound was Mike Sweeney's hip creeking as he approached the batter's box

DK: This at-bat brought to you by the letter K

WV: Not a bad start. Whatever happens, we can take solace in the fact that The Franchise makes a lot less money than SeeSee

DK: Captain Cheezburger did not adjust well to the Yanqui uniform today

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: I bet Target Field can't snag its grass around an opposing pitcher's ankle!

DK: Turf 1, Seattle 0

WV: This is the Dome's way of reasserting its relevance.

DK: i'm going to cross my fingers and hope they put in Silva

WV: Kubel can consider this a mulligan.

WV: Team trainers must all shop at the same Kohls. The knakis and white polos are all the rage there, I hear.

DK: I'm trying to figure out how an opposing pitcher getting an ankle injury elicits the dome PA blasting out "Working at the Carwash"

WV: OK then, I guess the ankle's a non-issue.

TOP 2ND

DK: New year, we must get Beltre out

WV: OK: Baggy 1, Beltre 0. Trying to put a positive spin on this.

WV: Ken Grffey in a Mariners uni! Holy crap, I just flashed back a decade.

DK: The 1982 uniforms don't help with that

DK: We're going to party like it's 1989!

WV: Someone quick! Send some syringes to Jay Buhner!

DK: Next you're going to see Randy Johnson, '80s metal haircut intact, striding out of the bullpen

WV: And alas, just like for most of 1982, we're losing.

BOTTOM 2ND

DK: Crede 0-1 as a Twin in rather short order

DK: Cargo, of course, taking in the fresh aroma of 2009-era bat

WV: We might need the turn to do us some more favors. Maybe next time break Hernandez's leg

DK: prediction: Redmond will try to go the other way

DK: or just strike out looking

TOP 3RD

DK: I'm tearing up - birthday tribute to Bert on FSN showing the WBC triumph over the DR

WV: Next year it'll be a HOF induction!

DK: we can only hope

WV: With the red caps, the Twins bear a strong resemblance to candy canes.

DK: Should I be praying for a Christmas deliverance of runs then?

WV: I know that the D.R., a small island nation, closely resembles Venezuela, a sizable South American country, but I think the Seattle duo needs to stop referring to Liriano as Santana's countryman.

DK: *shrug* 2nd-rate team commands 3rd-rate broadcasting I guess

WV: Then again, maybe Hugo Chavez invaded the D.R. when I wasn't looking.

BOTTOM 3RD

WV: LNP and I share a similar approach to facing Hernandez: Close your eyes and hope for a walk.

DK: Apparently

WV: Nothing wrong with a little small ball here and there

WV: It obviously helps when you have a singles machine like Mauer hitting behind you.

WV: BELTRE!

DK: ok...we'll call that a long sac bunt. positive spin 'n all

WV: I exclaim Beltre like Jerry Seinfeld does "Newman"

TOP 4TH

WV: Stacey: MLB Extra Innings has a free preview this week, so I'm camped out there. But your plight sounds uniquely modernist.

DK: KK's at the dome? Can't we get her to aim a laser pointer at Felix at opportune moments?

WV: You know, beyond that one bad pitch to Beltre, Liriano hasn't been half bad. And I think the laser pointer is a great idea.

BOTTOM 4TH

WV: Just keep repeating to yourself that Crede was an all star last year.....

WV: And pay no mind to the fact that Ron Coomer was also once an "all star"

DK: Beltre's been an all-star too

DK: Difference is, he's playing like one

WV: -----> Dome throws up hands and exclaims, 'Come on guys, I'm running out of tricks!'

TOP 5TH

WV: EMH: I've had the same problem, but it only seems to regurgitate the Flash download when I'm using Safari but works fine with Firefox.

DK: best sign I've seen today: "RED RIVER FLOOD TO METRODOME. CIRCLE US BERT"

WV: 1990: Ken Griffey Jr. hits an opening day homerun off of Bert. Go ahead, use it to impress your friends.

WV: Crap.

DK: Griffey 1, Baggie 0

DK: Redmond still getting abused by hitters

Wv: Holy splintered bats, Batman. You can poke an eye out with that sort of thing!

DK: Dick: "Redmond usually takes one of those or worse at least once a game"

WV: Sometimes, the opposing bench coach fires a blow dart through his aorta

BOTTOM 5TH

DK: I'm admiring Griffey's 3-hop throw to the cutoff man

WV: And his sorry excuse for range

DK: Span, time to be a fucklion

WV: Leodenardo ought to put his bo shaft to good use here.

DK: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, we spell OPS S-P-A-N.

DK: Cuddy needs to not get the silver sombrero here

WV: OK Dimples - you're on the road back to our good graces.

DK: I'll take solace in that we're not going to get shut out. Bases loaded for Morneau

WV: Ugh

DK:.....GIDP....sure

TOP 6TH, M's 2, Twins 1

WV: Hey, Roy Smalley really is there wearing a jersey.

DK: fact: Dlmn wld'v mssd tht

WV: Oh yeah, no question.

DK: we have angered the Turf

WV: That was not Sandcastle at his most graceful moment.

WV: Whatever happens tonight, we blame the unis.

WV: 2-run tater. Barf.

DK: I blame the unis

7TH, M'S 4, TWINS 1

DK: 2009: An assbat odyssey. that's about what it's looking like

8TH INNING

WV: Luis Ayala is here to ably step into Bass's mop up role.

DK: the Turf hates us

DK: Sandcastle is getting washed away

WV: There's no greater fury than a Dome scorned.

DK: 4-6-3 FTW

9TH INNING

ON BLOGGING STRIKE

Smell the Turf Again One More Time For the Last Time

noreply@blogger.com (RK) — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:42:00 +0000

HI EVERYBODY.

We're back. Is everything the same as we left it? Nothing ever is.

You can never go home again.

So let's (re)meet your bloggers:

NAME: RK

HOMETOWN: FARGO, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A TECHNICAL INSTITUTE

LIKES: CROSSWORD PUZZLES, COLLECTING JERSEYS OF TWINS PLAYERS ONCE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON THE TEAM (MILTON, GUZMAN, PIERZYNSKI, SANTANA, AND COUNTING)

JOB: TEACHES AMERICAN POLITICAL THEORY

INJURIES: BRUISED EGO, BRAISED LEG OF LAMB, WEEVIL FLU, FIELD WORK IN KOREA (15 DAY DL SOMETIME THIS SUMMER), SLAVERY TO FASHION, UNTOLD HORRORS, ABSTRACTION, PAINT-DRINKING

NAME: WV

HOMETOWN: ERIE, ND

CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A JUNIOR COLLEGE

LIKES: RES EXTENSA, BRISKET BARK, LEW FORD BOBBLEHEADS, OH HENRY! BARS

INJURIES: TARNISHED REPUTATION, BROKEN PROMISES, CLUBHOUSE CANCER, NUPTIALS (15 DAY DL IN AUGUST), THOM YORKE'S FALSETTO, KVETCHING, THE LONG BALL

RK: Do you think they get sick of these ridiculous introductions every year?

WV: Well, over the course of the year we shed and regenerate a number of new cells, so I think it's only fair to let them introduce themselves.

RK: Yeah, and also, uh, who is "they?"

WV: My grandmother and a host of bots.

RK: FREE CIALIS

WV: I think we should go the Bill Parcells route and take Batgirl out of retirement, that'll boost traffic.

RK: We'll also sign Terry Glenn. Uh, football! (?) Eye on the prize here, people. We pride ourselves on our relevance

WV: To the chagrin of most everyone who stumbles across this blog. But I digress!

WV: So first things first, what ever will we do while Joe Joe's sacrilegious joint keeps him in DL purgatory?

RK: I, for one, hope OMG's injury boosts sarcophagus awareness. And good thing Elaine Chow isn't secretary of labor anymore! She wouldn't recognize it as a real workplace disability

WV: As a Latin scholar, I'm sure you're aware of that word meaning "flesh eating". So in other words, Mauer's got some problems.

RK: I'm mainly concerned about the toll this will take on Mike Redmond's body. He might disintegrate if this goes too long

WV: We'll need a sarcophagus if Redmond has to catch for any extended period of time.

RK: And who thought we'd be longing for Baker?

WV: Not me, but I also occasionally long for Tony Batista, so go figure.

RK: Hopefully the lemnas will heal him and he'll come back from Rivendell. And that's a good point. For the first time in a long time there isn't some lurking (c)agey veteran in the wings to provide us material

WV: And with R.A. Dickey making the team, the nicknames are practically writing themselves.

RK: Hope springs eternal

WV: But as you know, whenever the Indians or Bitch Sox are expected to win the division, things turn out fine for us.

RK: Absolutely. Let's go comment on other Twins blogs to artificially jack up our readership for a day or two. Deal?

WV: Alright, I'll be the flamer, you be the good cop.