Pulling Stakes

The Third Worst Boy

2013-06-09T13:10:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Grace's end-of-the-year piano recital. She kicked ass:

It's a good thing she's musically inclined, because physical coordination seems to elude her, a trait inherited from her mother. Last night was a big festival in Brazil, called Festa Junina. I'm not entirely sure what it's all about, but it celebrates farming and country and cowboys. I think. Anyway, all the girls wear big, colorful dresses and have fancy pigtails with ribbons. There are a bunch of traditional dances to go with, but more on that in a minute. Grace tried four times to ride the mechanical bull. She didn't stay on for more than about one-third of a second. But she WAS wearing shorts under her skirt, so not a total loss.

Olivia, on the other hand, dropped out of piano lessons after a few months due to hatred of said instrument. Apparently, her special skill is in bull-riding. The bull could not throw her. She rode it all night without falling off, at least until I closed my wallet. Total cost of bull riding: $40 USD. Fortunately, we paid in reais, and reais are really more like play money. Or so I keep trying to convince my husband.

A few days before the Festa Junina party, I got a note from school reminding me to make sure the girls had Festa Junina dresses for their folk dance performance. What the what? Needless to say, you could tell which kids were mine because: Screw That.

Typical Festa Junina costume and hairstyle.

Crap my girls pulled out of the back of their and their brother's closets to wear.

That may or may not be my red drink cup on the table. It may or may not be full of wine.

Two of these girls have good moms who provide the right costumes. The other two have a mom who makes sure her kids at least have the most kick-ass boots at the thing. Sorry I didn't get any good photos of the boots, but trust me, their boots were the best.

Anyway, the fourth graders have been rehearsing their dance for the past month in PE. I've been hearing about it a lot from Olivia, who was paired with the "third worst boy" in the class. That description killed me. How much would it suck to be the "third worst boy"? You're not even bad enough to be the worst or even second worst boy. Anyway, as luck would have it, the "third worst boy" did not even show up, which is why Olivia ended up having a pretty fun night, between that and conquering the mechanical bull.

See these kids? They have good moms, too:

Henry came to Festa Junina with us, but I didn't see him all night, so I didn't get any photos. He was prowling the perimeter with his posse. Jack stayed home to study for finals.

School ends in just a few days, so help me gah....

What's Been Going on Around Here

2013-06-05T13:04:00.003-04:00

We've been busy with all the end of the school year stuff, and also really busy at work, because we had a visitor last week. Maybe you'll recognize him:

No, that isn't a cardboard cutout of the VPOTUS. And yes, his teeth really are that amazeballs.

Much more important than meeting Vice President Biden, however, was my two little ladies turning double digits. I trapped them in their room on the morning of their birthday. As you can see, they hadn't quite woken up yet:

Grace wore her new Tardis hat and Olivia wore her new Tardis socks (along with a heavy fur bear hat thingie that is awesomely inappropriate for Brazil's climate). If you don't know what a Tardis is, all I can say is that it's a nerd thing.

And finally, Jack went to his first senior prom. They do it differently here. All of the families of the graduates get to go, and then there is an after party that goes until the next morning. It's not really a 'date' thing, but it is formal.

Henry got a Mohawk, but he wears it flat.

We will be heading home for a visit soon (Hopefully? Pretty please can we get our travel orders, HR?), and then when we get back we will all be moving. Mitch to the Sandbox, and me and the kids to a new house, because the powers that be finally agreed that our house is trying to kill us. Fingers crossed that it doesn't collapse before we get out! I am stressed and tired (as are all moms at the end of the school year) and wrote about it here. I'm also really grumpy and fed up with our crappy internet that never works and our phones that work even less than the internet. When I get back to the States, I'm going to find a random Comcast guy and kiss him full on the mouth. So funny that I used to complain about Comcast before I moved here. When I'm done making out with the Comcast guy, I'm going to buy a bunch of beautiful organic vegetables and roll around on them and then I'm going to go to a Thai restaurant and then eat a Cobb salad and then stop at a stop sign because that's how it's done in America.

Feeding a Teenager

2013-05-07T14:49:00.000-04:00

It's been a trying week. Mitch is in DC learning about the evil that men do, and I am home learning about the evil that viruses do. Or mosquitos. My girls are sick, sick, sick. It could be Dengue or the flu, but since there is no cure for either, we've decided to simply hunker down and ride it out. Today is the first day that their fevers are below 102, so I'm optimistic. Between caring for them and trying to work from home, I haven't been up to making my usual arsenal of foods for the family. On the bright side, with Mitch away, who's going to complain that I set two rotisserie chickens on the counter and let the kids tear it apart with their fingers for dinner last night? Okay, I admit that was a low point.

Jack is not impressed with my lack of kitchen skills this week, and I am super-excited to see how he fares in college next year:

"Mom, do we have any bread?"

"Yes, there's some on the counter."

"No, that's store bread. Where's the homemade bread?"

"I didn't make any this week, you'll just have to use store bread."

"What am I, an animal?"

And then he proceeded to pour himself six bowls of cereal rather than eat the offensive store bread. It's not like I haven't tried to teach him to cook, he just refuses to learn. The other three kids love to cook. I'm sure he'll survive, but it will be interesting as he won't eat ramen noodles or any other convenience food besides cereal. He and a friend invited a few girls over to his friend's house for a barbecue a few weeks ago. I asked if he wanted me to show him how to make a few dishes, and he was all, "No, I've got it covered." When I asked how it went and what they ate, he said it hadn't gone very well. The girls weren't that impressed with their "meal", which apparently consisted of a slab of beef. And nothing else.

Handshake

2013-04-24T10:35:00.001-04:00

Mitch's project is coming to an end here in Brasilia. Many of you already know where his next assignment is going to be, what with all the carrying-on and whatnot around here. Anyway, he finally got his official cable (it's called a handshake in the Foreign Service), and I can't exactly say I'm "happy" to report that he is headed to....

Kabul, Afghanistan

Without us. For one year. The kids and I will remain in Brasilia. Are we excited? Nope. Of course, not. But if you know us at all, you know we weighed every option very carefully before we came to this decision. I'm not going to go into the reasons, because they are only important to us, but I will ask this. Please don't judge us (behind our backs is totally fine, just don't get all judgy to my face, yo). Please don't get all weepy-eyed at me, because I'm a cry-baby already and I don't need any added incentive to let the waterworks flow. Please don't say things to me like, "I would/could never let my husband leave me and my children for a year/go to a warzone!" These are just a few examples of things I've already heard.

I don't want to finish this post on a downer, though, so here's a list of things we are looking forward to in the coming year:

Mitch will get to come home three times during the tour for three weeks each visit.
Jack will get to graduate with his class and (hopefully) complete his IB Diploma.
Breakfast for dinner!
I won't have to read my Kindle under the covers. I will also claim the middle of the bed.
I hear you can get some pretty cool rugs in the Middle East
The girls are looking forward to getting Burka Barbies. Okay, no, they aren't. But I totally want one.
People will think we have big balls. Or are batshit crazy. Either way.
I might finally learn how to check the air pressure in the car tires. Or, and this plan is just formulating now, I might stand at the embassy gas thingie with a sad, "my husband is in Afghanistan and I'm all alone" face and get someone else to do it for me out of pity.
I will use what I'm sure is to be my new favorite excuse for getting out of things: "I'm sorry, I can't possibly come to your cat's birthday party. You see, my husband is serving in Afghanistan."
I get to keep my job. Unless I get fired for letting the eff word slip in my column. But then, I'll be all, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use the eff word. My husband is serving in Afghanistan." You see how it works?
Mitch never had a sandbox as a kid.

Badum-bump. Thank you, and I'll be here all year!

Iguacu Falls

2013-04-13T21:21:00.001-04:00

We just got back from spending a week at Iguacu Falls in Brazil, Argentina, and a tiny little bit of Paraguay. We had an amazing time, I got eaten alive, and we will never forget it. I'm way too lazy to write about it again, but I did write about it here if you want to hear about my Honey Baked Ham feet. Here are a few of the 650 photos we snapped:

Banana splits poolside were an afternoon ritual. For the kids, that is. I enjoyed my calories in liquid form.

Jack and Henry working on putting me in an early grave.

Coatis-Ick.

I'm wearing a bun because like an idiot, I flat-ironed my hair that morning. Everything was covered in a fine mist from the falls the moment we stepped into the park. I looked like I had a 3 foot afro.

Jungle Tour

Getting ready to go under the falls in a boat. Way fun!

The marker where Brazil, Argentina, and Paraguay meet.

Caiman

Just a few of the many birds we saw.

Requitsite photo ops from the bird park

Jack trying to decide if he should get this stylish coat at a street fair.

Olivia. 90 degrees and extreme humidity, but alas, apparently she was feeling foxy.

Largest dam in the world!

Easter

2013-03-31T19:50:00.001-04:00

Okay, so do you guys remember when I was whining about my kids' outfits when they had their photos taken with Santa? I wasn't going to let that happen again, so when the Easter breakfast at the Ambassador's residence came up this weekend, I was ready. The only problem was, I had to get there before the kids even woke up to help set up, but I gave Mitch strict instructions to make sure they looked decent. Anyway, I was too busy to get a photo of them with the Easter Bunny, but I got some other pics so you could see what they wore:

Too bad you can't see her shredded knees, and I don't think she even wore shoes.

Argyle socks plus orange and teal Vans are in for Easter this year. Apparently.

Meanwhile, my own traitorous husband hogged this beautiful baby while I was busy.
Did I mention that I think working is dumb?

At any rate, I think everyone had a great time. We have a lot of little kids at this post, and it was very cute seeing them hunt for eggs. They also had a great time doing the egg race, because egg races are for LITTLE KIDS. Too bad most of the diplomats from US Embassy Brasilia didn't get the memo:

Look at all the sad little kids sitting down in the background, waiting for their turn at the egg race.

Rio

2013-03-18T19:31:00.000-04:00

From the moment we landed in Brazil in 2011, Mitch has been trying to get me to go to Rio with him. Without the kids. He goes there all the time for work, but I've never been. I've also never left the kids before, because I'm a little bit psycho. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he walked into the house and handed me my non-refundable plane ticket. I started working out a childcare plan and when Jack saw how much I was going to pay a Brazilian empregada to stay with the kids, he was all, "I'll do it for half that amount of money". And, because I feel like he'd be doing all the work anyway, and because I'm psycho, I agreed. So, four kids, alone for four days. Granted, one of them was more mature than me, but I'm at least a better cook. I made all their meals and packed my bags.

We had an awesome time. Mitch picked a gorgeous hotel on Copacabana beach, a stone's throw from Ipanema. And everyone at the hotel spoke English, but I found myself using my portuguese a lot, so I could set myself apart from the loud Americans. Because, I'm native now, you know? We hired a guide to show us around Rio (not the famous stuff, but cool, out-of-the-way places, and of course, tons of architecture) the first day, which was amazing and exhausting. Then, we lazed around the rest of the time, gorging ourselves on seafood and caipirinhas. One weird thing, every night at dinner (around 9:30-10pm because I'm native now, did I tell you?), I broke out in hives and my eyes glued shut. Last night was the worst, because my throat kind of closed up a little. Nothing a ~~little~~ lot of antihistamine couldn't clear up, though. I refuse to believe that I'm allergic to Rio.

The kids did great without us. Jack even organized a treasure hunt for chocolate gold coins left by the "Leprechaun" on St. Paddy's Day and played tooth fairy to Olivia, who had the misfortune of losing a molar.

More about our trip to Rio here, and here.

I can't begin to describe how much I loved Rio, so here's a handful of pics from our trip:

Neimeyer's MAC Museum in Niteroi

Inside of Monastery of São Bento

Outside of Monastery of São Bento built in 1590!

View from Parque da Cidade

Jurujuba-fishing village

Selaron Stairs

Random cuties playing in front of their house.

We waited all day for Christ the Redeemer to come out of the clouds. Turns out, we had to get high enough to see that he was above the clouds! Rio below.

Street vendor

Our hotel balcony, where we had a three hour lunch while watching beachgoers at Copacabana

Art from the Hippie Fair

Pão de Açúcar

Our mom and dad went to Rio and all we got were these lousy tank tops.

I'm Not Really Here, I Just Stopped By to Drop Off Some Links

2013-03-08T18:43:00.001-05:00

Nothing much has been happening in Brazil these days, the kids are going to school and we're going to work (Can you believe I haven't been fired yet? And they don't even care if it's the same old crap I write on here). I do have a little announcement coming up, but we're waiting until it's official, so stay tuned. I mean, don't stay tuned by hanging around here, because it's boring, but go do fun stuff and I'll let you know. How does that sound? Like I've had too much wine? WINK! ;-)

Even when nothing's going on, I still have to write for work, so I wrote about our car dying, a ring I bought but didn't deserve, and the shitty haircuts our dog has been getting.

School Uniform

2013-02-27T06:16:00.002-05:00

Alternative title: How to Get Around the Societal Dictates of The Man.

5K.

2013-02-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

Today all six of us went to the embassy bright and early. Mitch went to work, because, duh, it's Saturday. The rest of us participated in our first 5K. I don't mind telling you that I won the whole thing in my division (44 year-olds born in November with blonde hair, four kids and from the great state of Washington). Don't hate me because of my physical fitness.

It was a charity event benefitting children with cancer here in Brazil. The kids all had a great time.

I got lapped by each of my spawn. Whatever, I didn't want to make them feel bad by passing them.

Henry and Grace both ran much of the way. I was very proud, resting in the shade and taking important photos. Henry dropped behind his buddy Adam, but fortunately found a new friend to run alongside.

Olivia on the right, and I totally saw her skip a couple roundabouts.

Jack sure has cute friends.

Last week was carnaval, and we went to the Samba Parade, but I didn't write about it and I have very few photos, because my camera fell about thirty feet off the bleachers to its death. Anyway, there were tons of butts and fancy costumes and it was totally worth going, even though my car died. Dead, as in, I need a new alternator and I have to wait weeks and weeks for the part to arrive from the U.S. If you want, you can read all about it here, because if there's one thing I enjoy doing, it's spreading my misery to as many people as possible.

That camera took crappy pictures, anyway.

Bom Carnaval, Brazil

2013-02-09T17:26:00.002-05:00

It's Carnaval here in Brazil, and do you know what that means? Well, yes, it does mean boobs and butts, but that's not what I meant. I'm talking about another week off of school for my darling children. Since my husband works seventy days a week, the kids and I will be enjoying spending a lot of time together at home instead of partying in Rio. But I'm not bitter. I welcome the opportunity, because it's been WEEKS since my kids were home for the long summer break. Jack's band has barely had a chance to practice since school started back up, so they're planning on catching up during the break. Don't hate me because I've got free live music at my house 24/7.

The end of Carnaval on Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, and even though we are no longer practicing Catholics, it's still kind of fun to think of things to give up for Lent.

Mitch: What are you giving up for Lent?

Kate: My sunny disposition.

Mitch: You cannot give up that which you do not have.

Kate: Shut up, as*hole.

Mitch: **crickets (and a smirk)

Valentine's Day is also coming up, and although I think Valentine's Day sucks, I wrote about it for work and even made up my own special valentines, which you can print out and use for yourself, if you're so inclined. They're very romantical!

Math

2013-02-05T13:36:00.001-05:00

Grace: "Jack!"

Grace: "JAAAACK!"

Me: "What is it Grace?"

Grace: "Nothing. I just need Jack."

Grace: "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

Jack, from the depths of the house: "What?!"

Grace: "I need some help with my homework!"

Me: "I can help you, Grace."

Grace: "No, that's okay, mom. It's math."

So, that's nice.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2013-01-26T05:52:00.000-05:00

I know, I suck at updating this blog. Being chained to a desk and forced to write and do other stuff day in and day out has taken some of the joy out of it (cobblers' kids have no shoes and whatnot), but there's one thing my work blog doesn't have, and that's profanity! So, I'm back, if only to drop an eff bomb on y'all.

The summer break was loooooong, like six weeks or something, but it may as well have been six months. That jerkwad, Santa, brought my kids a real drum kit and a super-loud guitar amp and Jack decided it was time to start a garage band. I spent most of the break with bleeding eardrums. Also, teenaged boys eat a lot. It probably didn't help that I kept making them food to try and entice them out of the practice room.

Because my husband works nine days a week, we didn't go on any vacations, just a few day trips. We spent one day checking out Oscar Niemeyer's famous landmarks around Brasilia.

Catedral Metropolitana Nossa Senhora Aparecida,
or "Church of the Standing Rib Roast"

This is weird, not sure what I'm doing with my hair, but
Grace is definitely rocking her Brazil Look.
Anyway, what is with that fried egg in/on the window?

The National Museum

I call this piece: Four Children: Happy On The Inside

Here we are in front of some of Niemeyer's other buildings on different day:

We also spent a day in Pirenópolis, a town about two hours away. It's known for it's colonial architectcure and cobblestone streets. For you Washington State peeps, it's like the Leavenworth of Brazil, complete with river rafting and zillions of souvenir shops. I loved it, and wrote about it here.

These freaky cow-people thingies are all over the town.
Pay no attention to my hair. The humidity was at 90% that day.

There was lots of stuff to buy. That's Olivia on the left with her two friends.
Guess what they bought?

First Church of Our Lady of the Rosary

Quaint and cobblestone-y

A real live vaqueiro (cowboy)! You won't find those in Leavenworth.

On the way home from Pirenopolis, we stopped at a waterfall, because, duh, that's what you do in Brazil on the way home from places. It was very waterfall-y.

And FINALLY, on Wednesday, the children went back to school. Here they are waiting for ~~their corrections officer~~ the bus (it looks like Jack is beating Henry up for his lunch money already-so adorable!):

YESSSSS! Fuck, that was a long break (You didn't think I would forget, did you?).

Summer Break: Part One Zillion

2013-01-16T12:35:00.001-05:00

My kids are still on break for another week (plus a day, but at this point, who's counting? Me. I'm counting. And eight days is a long time, yo.). It's the rainy season, so there's not a lot to do besides jump on the wet trampoline. Still, the kids have found a few ways to keep themselves occupied that don't involve xBox or Netflix.

Meet Karol. She will come to your house and give you a massage or a mani/pedi for a very good price. And yes, I am well aware that moving back to the US is going to be difficult on my pampered little ladies.

Click on this pic if you want to see some adorbs polka dot nails.

The boys have been super busy doing important boy things:

Other things we've been doing include.....well, I can't think of anything right now, but we've been terribly busy, I know, because I'm pretty tired at the end of the day. Oh! I know. Every day I like to see how many hours are left until school starts (as of this minute, it's 184). I've also made the happy discovery that if you drop a baked-yesterday chocolate chip cookie onto a hot nonstick frying pan for a minute, wonderful things happen to it. It's even better if you drop FIVE chocolate chip cookies onto a hot frying pan, because then, when you are thinking you'd like to eat one more, there are four all ready for you.

2012

2012-12-31T13:31:00.000-05:00

Usually, on the last day of every year, I blog about the resolutions I have no intention of keeping. This year, however, I got paid to do it ( I know! Soon they will be sorry they hired me, and I'll be back at home, eating bonbons like the good Lord intended), and I don't want to repeat myself for that one reader who reads both this blog and our embassy blog, so there will be no ridiculous resolutions this year on Pulling Stakes.

However, I don't want to ignore the passage of another year. Okay, I lied, I would love to ignore the passage of 2012, because it was an asshole. I lost my mom and my children's first home (my uterus, get it?), and spent most of the year in pain of one kind or another. But! Whenever things didn't go my mom's way, she didn't mope around like I enjoy doing. She would be happy and grateful for the tiniest, most insignificant thing she had going for her. "Well, yes, my house caught on fire, but I was so lucky that it was a cold night and I could warm my toes by the embers!" That was how my mom rolled. And so, I am going to list a few of the things I was grateful for in 2012, and dedicate it to my badass mom, who I miss every day. Obviously, the good health and love of my family are number one, but these are just a few of the things that helped me get through the year:

Friends and family in the States, who dropped everything and were there to help us through the worst parts of the year. Seeing your faces or hearing your words of love at such a low time in my life was a huge gift. My Dad even had the joy of listening to the details of my lady surgery from my gynocologist.
Friends in Brasilia, who helped with dog sitting and childcare, shuttled me around when I couldn't drive yet, and made sure my nails didn't look like shit, even though I felt like shit.
My sisters.
Laughter. At one point, after several long, agonizing days at hospice with my mom, one of my sisters said, "OMG, look at your Google histories!" We scrolled through our phones and peed our pants laughing. [Google 'pinocchio p*nis tattoo at your own risk]
Lindt chili dark chocolate bars.
My cleaner, who knows that Olivia only sleeps with one specific cotton sheet, but everyone else is pretty easygoing about their bedding, and who cleans out my hairbrushes and refrigerator twice a week. Even if she does ridicule my portuguese and arranges the couch pillows all wrong, I still love her.
Electric tennis rackets, so I can hear the sizzle of winged carcasses when I whack at the mosquitos.
Having a job I enjoy is pretty sweet, as is FINALLY getting to wear all the shoes I bought "in case I ever get a job". Unfortunately, now my feet are covered in blisters, but IT'S WORTH IT. Don't tell Mitch about the blisters, though, mmkay? For some reason he thinks I buy too many shoes I don't need. Like that's even a thing.
Jack Daniels and Marcus James
And finally, the thing I'm most grateful for about 2012 is that it is OVER, yo.

Wishing you and yours a very joyful 2013

from Brazil!

[photo credit]

Papai Noel

2012-12-19T17:40:00.000-05:00

This morning, I dusted off my black heart, dragged my kids out of bed bright and early, and we went with the Marines at post to deliver toys to a local orphanage. We also brought our friend, Papai Noel (aka Santa to you northerners).

Apparently, Olivia considers this ratty red t-shirt and cutoffs her "holiday" outfit (see previous post).

Henry the Rice-Carrying Man

We also helped deliver bags of food (donated by people from the embassy), clothes, and special toys for really sick kids (I did not take photos of the sick kids). They live in a facility attached to the orphanage, and it is run solely on donations.

It's been hard to get in the Christmas spirit whith everything going on lately, but today helped give me a little nudge.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

2012-12-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

We've been decking the halls around here a bit. This is the family tree, which the kids decorate themselves with all the ornaments we've collected over the years. I learned a long time ago that it's no fun for anybody when someone with OCD helps decorate a Christmas tree, so I usually sit back and watch the festivities with a little Christmas cheer in my hand.

Look! A real live elf.

This is my own personal tree:

There are two pictures of it, BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME. It has feather boas AND aqua balls. My husband, the traditionalist, thinks two trees are too much. HA! I say. If you saw this tree in person you would feel warm and fuzzy inside, unless you were a grumpy bastard. Not naming any names.

Also, I hung a branch from the ceiling and hung some more balls from it. I am a fan of balls at Christmastime. If you were a grumpy bastard, you'd be all, "Why is there a branch hanging from the ceiling? It's probably full of deadly spider eggsacs." And I'd be all, "Don't be a hater, you brought me all the way to South America, where I don't have a proper light fixture to decorate."

Over the weekend, the three youngest kids and I went to the Embassy Santa Breakfast. I was working the event, and we were running late, so I told the kids to put on some nice Christmas outfits. They were all out in the car waiting when I came out, so I didn't have a chance to appraise their attire. For their annual photo with Santa. To be preserved for all time.

Falalalala.

La. La.

La.

La......

Working Girl

2012-12-04T17:01:00.000-05:00

No, not that kind of working girl. Just one that wears proper pants. I just got home from my second day of work. This is a big deal for me in that the last time I worked in an office was, let's see....NEVER (and I'm not counting volunteering, because you don't have to wear real pants when you volunteer). Anyhoo, it's going pretty well. Yesterday was the usual, forms, swearing in, forms, fingerprinting, lunch with my hubby at the embassy, and some more paperwork. At about 10:00, I looked at the clock as I was filling out my forms, and had a little sad feeling, because that's normally the time of day I look at shoes online. I was sure someone was buying all the shoes on the internet. Someone that wasn't me. I looked in the bottom of my cute purse for a tiny violin, but all I found was a melty tinted chapstick. By the time I got home, I was completely exhausted from wearing pants that button up and shoes that were super-cute-but-horribly-uncomfortable. I was surprised and saddened when I walked in my front door and there was no party (or even confetti!) for me. Not even a sign saying, "Woo-hoo! You went to work today, Kate! Good job!!" So what's the point of even going, right?

And then, even though I went to work yesterday, I had to get up and go again today. Because, apparently, 'going to work' doesn't just mean going one time. Today was much better, because the forms were all done and I got to do actual work. The ladies in my office are fun and nice and helpful, and I think I will be happy there once I get used to not wearing yoga pants every day. One of my tasks is to maintain/update/add to the embassy blog, so that was a breeze. Strangely, someone put up a sign above my desk saying something about being unrelentingly positive and not sarcastic or somesuch. You can bet I threw that bitch in the trash.

Kidding!

Updiddlydate

2012-11-20T11:05:00.000-05:00

I've gotten several sweet messages from strangers asking how I am recovering from my lady surgery, so here's a little update. First of all, I should clarify that I still have my ovaries, which is lucky, because they are adorable and I'm not quite ready for menopause. Besides, Mitch is planning on doing his required unaccompanied tour when I hit menopause, which should be about the same time the girls hit puberty. He's always been a good planner.

Tomorrow is my six week post-op milestone. For anybody who's had a hysterectomy, you know six weeks is the marker the doctors use to tell you when you can get back to your regularly scheduled programming. So, starting tomorrow, I can drive a car, carry stuff heavier than a glass of wine (big whoop), push a grocery cart (bigger whoop), and, um, do other things (whoopie!). Yoga. I'm talking about yoga, people. I was kind of drugged out when I was released from the hospital, but I'm pretty sure the doctor said no housework for a minimum of 12 months, so I will still have some restrictions. Obviously. Tomorrow also marks the forty-fourth anniversary of my birth, so I'm pretty excited that I'll get to go grocery shopping by myself on my birthday. Yes, I'm 44. I joke around that I'm 29, but I think I'm going to start telling people I'm 54, so I can hear that I "look so young" for my age. Hopefully. Anyone? Tap. Tap. Is this thing even on?

I won't tire you with details of my recovery, other than to say it took way longer than I thought it would and I got really sick of resting. It's really quite boring, especially after you've melted your glasses and none of your backups have progressive lenses with which to read by. My family took excellent care of me, and so did my cleaner and my massage lady, who, once she learned that I had a hysterectomy and not "liposuction for my fat belly", spent a lot of time working on my abdomen to help prevent something in portuguese, but I'm pretty sure it's not desirable, because it happened to her sister. Or her brother. Whatever, my portuguese sucks. When I wasn't resting, my lovely friend Katie drove me to important appointments, such as to get manicures and pedicures, and out to lunch, never once making fun of my ever-present yoga pants. So, you could say that my recovery was pretty easy. I know I am beyond lucky to have all the help I do, and despite my ~~wine-ing~~ whining, I am really glad I had the surgery. I wasn't functioning well at all before , and I feel great now, so yay for the knife!

Anyway, from here on out, it'll be all, carrying the laundry basket, wearing pants that don't pull on, and driving to the grocery store. And working. At a job. Yes, you read that right. As soon as I get my security clearance (which should be easy to get as I've been a hermit for the past 10 years), I will be writing and editing the embassy newsletter. For pay! Thank gawd they didn't read this blog before they hired me, although I'm pretty sure I took out most of the F-bombs just in case.

I am going to need some new fucking shoes before I start working, though.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

2012-11-18T12:22:00.000-05:00

For the past few months, our house has been leaking. At first it was just a little bit, but now it's leaking constantly, no matter if it's raining outside or not. Most of the ceiling fans have a pretty steady stream dripping out. In the TV room, the water rolls to the edge of the fan blades and flies all over the room. It's like a little rain shower in there. Pretty cool, huh?

We've put in a work order for the leaks, but basically have been told there's not a lot they can do, and that it should dry out after the rainy season is over. In May.

And that is another fine example of the glamour of Foreign Service life. On the bright side, it's a beautiful day today, so if we need a break from the indoor rain, we can go outside and dry off in the sunshine. Gawd, I'm such a Pollyanna. How can you stand my constant cheerfulness around here?

PS, Good news! I finally found a turkey! For $100USD, but I'm sure it'll be delicious, and there's no leak in the dining room yet, so Thanksgiving is looking better and better.

Rancho Canabrava

2012-11-16T10:33:00.002-05:00

We took our three youngest kids to Rancho Canabrava yesterday, just outside of Brasilia. We went with a bunch of embassy families and the kids had a blast doing an obstacle course a zillion feet off the ground. There were tears of fear and sick stomachs from the girls when they started, but once they got past the first part, they loved it. Mitch went with the girls, and Henry went with his buddies. I stayed on the ground (still in recovery mode), cursing my lack of Xanax.

Thankfully, there was a puppy to help calm the nerves.

Henry handled the height like a champ.

Zipline to the finish!

The girls are grimace-smiling. Both were scared, but insisted they wanted to do the adult course instead of the kids' course. And because in Brazil, kids get what they want, so they had extra guides to help them along. The workers at the ranch were amazing. Some spoke English, and they were wonderful with the kids.

They're both smiling in these photos because this is the practice one to teach them how to clip their carabiners to the wires, and it was pretty easy.

Hole. E. Shit.

She kept it together.

This is where Olivia burst into tears. I wanted to shout to the guides to help her get down, but Mitch yelled at her, "Look straight ahead, stop crying, and just take one step at a time!", in what I thought was a pretty mean voice. Just saying. However, it worked, and once she got over the initial fear, she loved it. I had to go away for a while at this point and take a lot of deep breaths and ask around if anyone had a flask.

This nine year-old was once inside my body.

Everyone wants to go back and bring Jack (who was home buried under schoolwork) next time. On the way home, the girls were wondering why there isn't cool dangerous stuff like that back in the States for kids to do, but then they decided theme parks were pretty cool, too. I'm pretty sure I deserve some sort of award for keeping my shit together while my kids were merely a missed carabiner clip away from breaking their necks. Also, I got a sunburn.

The Rain is Clearly to Blame

2012-11-13T09:56:00.000-05:00

See this?

You might think it's a medieval torture device (you know, except for the electric part and the cheap plastic components and whatnot), and you would be right! Except for the medieval part. See, I have this hair that turns into an afro during times of high humidity (for example, September-May in Brazil).  Now, I like afros, and would totally embrace my blonde afro, but it's only an afro in the back. The front just goes all wonky and limp.

So, I use the above torture device to smooth out my hair. Also, it's good for sizzling burns on the forehead and for melting stuff in it's general vicinity. My long-suffering husband DESPISES my Instyler, because of the third-degree burns and the fact that it's always out on our tiny little bathroom counter.   More on this in a minute.

There's also been some glasses drama around here, because I'm an old lady with rapidly declining eyesight who can't see near or far. A few years ago, I purchased my current glasses that I love. They unfortunately were designer glasses and they cost as much as, oh, I don't know, like, a cow or something. While I was in the States last month, the plan was to renew my prescription and get some new glasses, but due to my crappy eyesight, I couldn't get the glasses in time before I left. I was secretly glad about that, because I couldn't find any glasses I love as much as my current ones, and I figured I could squint and stuff to make up for the declining vision. Also, I'm not allowed to buy glasses that cost as much as a cow again. Four kids to put through college, blahblahblah.

At this point, you're probably wondering, "What the heck does a non-medieval torture burning device have to do with Kate's glasses?" And now that you just read that sentence, I bet you know. Yes, kids, while I was in the shower, my glasses were busy getting melted by the Instyler. They weren't even touching it (much), the glass lens just bubbled up from proximity. The melty part is right in the middle of the lens, so it looks like someone wiped boogers across the surface.   I know! Imagine what that thing is doing to my hair! So, I was kind of scared to show Mitch, who has had it with me complaining about not finding any cute glasses online and also with me complaining about forehead burns. But then I remembered what Ralphie did when the Red Ryder BB gun broke his glasses in A Christmas Story. He cried, and his mom was nice about it. And since I was so sad about my glasses, it was pretty easy to just let the tears flow when I went to tell Mitch about my glasses. He thought I was dumb for crying over a pair of glasses I needed to replace anyway, but was disappointingly unmoved by my tragic loss of fashionable eyesight.

Anyway, I finally got online and looked at shoes for a few hours (no need to judge or question my methods), then I ordered some dumb glasses.

Related: The rainy season (obviously to blame for my glasses getting burnt) has also caused our ceiling fans to leak water. Pretty sure that can't be good, but without glasses I can't see the puddles anyway.

Halloween, Ball, and Birthday

2012-11-03T07:37:00.000-04:00

We've been busy partying between my naps around here, so I'm just going to throw up a few photos from our week. For Halloween, Grace and Olivia picked costumes that went together again this year, but that also totally reflected their personalities. If you've seen the Hunger Games, you'll know who Effie Trinket is, but if not, here's a little photo of her from the movie.

The instant Effie came onscreen, Grace knew she wanted to be her for Halloween, and it naturally followed that Olivia would want to be Katniss, what with her love of getting dirty and archery and wearing her hair in a braid. So, basically, Olivia didn't even need a costume. I did buy her a District 12 Tribute t-shirt, though, since she doesn't own any clothing without a baby animal on it.

This is not really a costume, but it IS proof that having a stash of mustaches always pays off. Sometimes in the form of candy, sometimes, in the form of a disguise for a quick getaway, and sometimes to entertain yourself by making the dog look like Burt Reynolds.

Jack had a Halloween fundraiser at his school. This is his inspired costume. Can this really be my kid? One should never be too cool to dress up, which Mitch and I proved by WEARING COSTUMES TO HIS SCHOOL AND EMBARRASSING HIM. Oh, yes, we did. All his friends were delighted.

Yesterday was my second born's 12th birthday. Every year he plans some kind of elaborate thing to do on his birthday and always ends up disappointed. This year, he told me he just wanted a new video game, and to play it all day without laying eyes on his little sisters. And breakfast in bed. And Kahlua pecan chocolate chip pie. And since I am the lamest mother on the planet these days with my constant resting, I was more than happy to accommodate his wish. Brazil helped by having a national holiday so he didn't even have to go to school. At the end of the day, he said it was the best birthday of his life.

Last night was the Marine Corps Ball, which Mitch optimistically bought tickets for without knowing if I'd be home from the States in time to go to. I combed my hair and he watched a youtube video on how to tie a bow tie, and off we went.

We had a lovely time, despite the lack of sofas for me to lay down on at the venue and my navy dress matching the tablecloths. Happy Birthday, Marines and Henry!

Home

2012-10-30T11:47:00.000-04:00

When we last left our heroine, she was recovering from surgery in the ever-fabulous-but-chilly Estados Unidos while her husband kept the home fires burning in Brazil by throwing the children into death-defying situations and having them *gasp* make their own lunches.

Currently, however, I am writing this from my hammock at home in Brazil. I would snap a picture of my feet with the lush greenery and sunshine in the background, but then I would have to get up to get the camera, and, well, I've got no uterus with which to get up with. Also, I need a pedicure. Anyway, YAY! I am home with my babies. They had no idea I was coming home, they just walked in the door from school and there I was. I even got two hugs from my teenager. My medical clearance was reinstated last Tuesday, so I packed my bags with Halloween candy, bloody body parts (which were a definite hit with the security officers at the airport--also, I should clarify that these were not real body parts, despite what my friend Leanne thinks), painkillers, and gifts for the kids. The flight itself was grisly, involving me running through the Minneapolis airport carrying my broken rolling carry-on (sorry, doc!), getting forced to check said carry-on, forgetting that all my painkillers were in said carry-on and would remain so until I got home the next day. All's well that ends well, however, and I couldn't be more thrilled to be home. And none too soon, I might add. I was getting calls that were growing increasingly frantic in nature.

"We're doing great!"

"We're doing great, but when are you coming home?"

"Everything is falling apart! The bus came this morning and Jack was making a sandwich in his underwear".

"No one has any uniforms. The kids think Graca is selling their shorts. When are you coming home?" Graca is our cleaner. She deserves a huge tip after the last three weeks.

"My throat hurts from yelling at the kids. How do you keep them from leaving their crap everywhere?"

"Grace lost her Kindle. She had it when we were camping. Any idea where it might be?" Um, they were camping after I left, so, no. I had no idea.

"Uh, honey, you cleaned out the checking account." Okay, so that technically wasn't my fault. While I was massively drugged out on painkillers, I had a foggy idea that I might die, so from my hospital bed I ordered a bunch of food, clothes, and shoes for the kids in their next sizes up, then promptly forgot about it. But, it's sweet, right, how I was caretaking my family from 10,000 miles away and living in an alternate chemical reality?

I was able to go to the kids' school conferences on Friday, where I learned that Olivia cried every day that I was gone, but is excellent at math. I was just happy to hear that she's more or less wearing shoes this year. I also "learned" that Grace talks a lot and loves performing. Henry, in typical fashion, is excelling at flying mischieviously under the radar, and Jack is, well, okay, I'm not sure about Jack. I got tired out after seeing his first teacher, but his grades are awesome, so if his teachers think I'm a lousy mother for not going to all his conferences, then so be it. A uterus-less woman can only do so much, you know (and yes, I've been using this excuse a lot, why do you ask?).

After conferences was the Embassy Trick or Treat. I was able to get the girls' hair and make-up done, but was so wiped by that time that I spent the rest of the day sitting on a chair outside Mitch's office handing out my American candy. The kids had a blast trick or treating at all the offices with their friends, though.

I am being eaten alive by mosquitos right now, but the electric mosquito racket is inside with the camera, and you know how the rest of this story goes....

When Mom's Away

2012-10-14T19:23:00.000-04:00

"We're probably going to go camping when you're gone," Mitch said last week. "Well, make sure you pack bug spray and sunblock and headache medicine and extra water and jackets and don't take any unnecessary risks," I nervously replied.

And these are the pictures he sent me of their "camping" trip:

Do those helmets look very snug to you?

400 feet above the ground. 2/3 of those girls came out of my body.

Henry. Thank gah my little ladies didn't attempt this with their sketchy swim skills.

Oh, wait. They did.

Don't worry, he survived, so the kids weren't stranded in Brazil with no parents.

Pretty sure they are all wearing seatbelts.

I'm really glad Mitch didn't tell me what he had planned in advance, or I would have worried all weekend. As you can see, the kids had an amazing time. Meanwhile, Jack is in Sao Paulo at some service conference or somesuch.

Can't wait to get back there and do some risk management.