Oh Bob. Thanks for being there in the morning. Thanks for the cup of coffee. Please don’t go.

Judge Not. The first two singles that Bob Marley recorded are my faves… Best heard when accompanied by lots of donuts and free thoughts. And chocolate milk. And then some coffee. And also some dancing around.

More Coffee. More Bob Marley. More Love. More Miller Lites.

And thanks to the little Jewish man who sang Redemption Song, to us, years ago, on a street in Madison, Wisconsin. If there are defining moments, ones that replay in our heads, over a lifetime that one strikes me as relevant.

I am not sure if that is how you spell the word Rumies. Because I did not invent that word. My sister Neely did. I am not much of a Rum drinker, but she is and when she has too much, she says she has a case of the rumsies. Which is so much cuter than saying, wasted, which is what I like to say.

Tonight’s music is brought to you by Christina Aguilera. Because she can sing. And that is so rare these days in pop music. You can just use that auto-tune machine and BAM! you are a Real Housewife singing some dumb song. Christina can sing first and uses that dang auto-tune secondly. Also: she wears lots of red lipstick and black tights and those are two of my very favorite things.

If I could sing like Christina I would refuse to talk normally. I would sing everything, like I was in a musical all damn day.

Today I weeded the garden, baked banana bread and invented a new cocktail that involves rum, vanilla and citrus fruits. It tastes like yum. The best way to invent a new cocktail is to visit the grocery store at 10 pm when you only need eggs for banana bread. Then buy things that look like they would taste great with some rum. Crush some ice and viola! Speaking of weeding the garden, is everyone high at my supermarket after 10 o’clock? It seems so.

Oh my. What they mean to me…

The B52’s are..

Sprees. Zots. Those little UFO candies with sprinkles inside. So much like communion host. So much not like communion host.

Playing marbles. Playing marbles with boys who have tattooed faces. Marbles with 75 cent 40 oz’s of Cool Colt, the menthol beer.

Smoking Hash in a public bathroom.

Not knowing which dress to wear and wearing a slip instead.

New Doc Martens, Chuck Taylors and Vans all rolled into one.

Dancing on the hood of a car, the coffee table, and down the street.

Skipping class to watch reruns of Perfect Stangers. Oh, that Balky…

I am not sure of a life without the B52’s but I am sure it would involve khaki Docker pants and lots of math. Ewww….

Oh Hell, if aren’t in love with them yet, you will be.. oh yes, you will be…muahahahaha!

They wrote one of my favorite songs ever. It’s name is, Fuck more bitch less. And those are words we should all live by.

It is sad that no such video exists. It is sad that these bands fade away while we are forced to listen to that damn Justin Bieber every single day. He is like one of those precious moments dolls who cannot sing or dance. And for months, I honestly thought he was a girl. And I worry that he is going to have neck problems from jerking his head all crazy like he does. That means I am old.

Anyway…Here is an antiquated myspace page for this great band named Billygoat:

http://www.myspace.com/billygoat

Guess I will have to harass KL and see if he has this still…dang!

I love this stuff. You can brush your teeth with it, you can mop the floor with it. There is no reason to buy any other soap. I just found out that the Bronner’s now makes conditioner, lotion and shaving soap. Whoo! Obviously, this is not sold in my town, so I ordered it from  http://www.drbronner.com/ !!! And it arrived in the mail in all it’s hairy-legged hippie rainbow-family loving glory!   Love it!

I used to adore Alexander McQueen. I loved him, I wanted to be him. When I was in high school, I had an entire wall dedicated to that man’s beautiful designs and runway shows. I dutifully ripped those out of W magazine, which came to me weekly in newspaper form. I poured over that dang fashion rag and he was my favorite. Now, when I see his name or image or disgusting Target fashion, I have to calm the inside of my brain. That dude committed suicide. I cannot appreciate that. Suicide has ruined lots of my favorite artists. Rothko, fuck off, also. The rest of us stuck it out. The rest of us are here. Take your stupid eyewear and wear them in your next pathetic lifetime, McQueen. Wash them with some delicious Dr. Bronner’s first, though! Kiss Kiss!

I made some wonderful strawberry jam last week from my father’s famous homegrown strawberries. It is so yum, I cannot wait to eat it this winter when it is 18 below zero. My father, Diamond Jon, made some delicious strawberry lemonade rum drinks out of the rest of his strawberries and washed it down with some delicious Miller Lite. Stay tuned, rumor has it that there will be some Diamond Jon Strawberry Wine made for this Florida/Winter Trip that tastes just like a fine, fine bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. uhh, yumm!

Finally, let’s talk about Vanilla. Use real vanilla people! I recommend this brand, because we carry it, where I work. Thanks! This is the end of the cooking advice… seriously, why would you buy imitation vanilla? You humans of this world are so weird… next thing you know you will invent some sort of fake plastic butter and name it some dumb name like margarine. Loo-hoo-sers!!

Bacon. It is one of the reasons I could never be a vegetarian. Bacon, Steak, Cheeseburgers, Bacon Cheeseburgers and Beef Jerky. Oh, and also, the Corn Dog. Other than that, and Butter, and Real Hellman’s Mayonnaise, you can consider me a vegan. Oh, and Cheese, too! And sometimes Fried Chicken…

My mom gave me this really cool vintage hat sewing pattern, that I am totally going to use, soon! Look at these cool hats:

This one is called the “Bob Dylan” hat:

Here you have the “I killed the wabbit” hat:

And here we have the “I have some gardening to do and then I am going to prison” hats:

And finally, this is the “I am bat-shit crazy and if I do not wear this thing my head will fall off” hat:

I am not sure which one I like the best, and so I think I will sew all of them.

I was walking home from work today, and I saw a bottle of Dasani in the gutter which had been refilled with a substance which was most certainly either whiskey or piss. I then heard someone repeatedly screaming, “mother-fucker!”  Can’t say whether or not the two events were related, but I am thinking in a town this tiny they must be…

We are headed out on a mystery trip tomorrow, so Paisley is getting all her hair done, and drinking coffee in anticipation!