More biological weapons testing on the punkey front. From the London Paper:

ZOO managers have taken Brussels sprouts off the Christmas menu after the vegetable caused an attack of flatulence in their gorillas.

The staff at Chessington Zoo fed the giant apes on the seasonal favourite as they are filled with nutritional goodness. However, they hadn’t reckoned with the gassy qualities of the tiny veggies.

Now the zoo has issued an apology after guests at the zoo expressed their horror at the potent smell that started emanating from the gorillas’ enclosure.

Gorilla keeper Michael Rozzi said: “We feed the gorillas brussel sprouts during the winter because they are packed with vitamin C and have great nutritional benefits.

“Unfortunately, an embarrassing side effect is that it can cause bouts of flatulence in humans and animals alike.

“However, I don’t think any of us were prepared for a smell that strong.”

As if the gorilla house didn’t smell bad enough. We always knew Brussels sprouts were evil, now there is proof!!!

Nothing says it more than this picture:

Punkeys – if they are not with us…the are against us!

Why do you think the songs says “Come Mr. Taliban, tally me banana”?

More brazen attacks in Hong Kong (Occupied Territory). From The Age:

A 46-year-old hiker was recovering in hospital Saturday after falling 20 metres into a Hong Kong reservoir while running away from a monkey trying to steal her food.

The woman was hiking with friends on Friday when a large adult monkey tried to snatch a bag of nuts she was carrying, according to a spokesman for the emergency services team who rescued her.

She ran away and tumbled down a steep bank before ending up in the reservoir. The woman was taken to hospital with injuries to her head, arms and legs.

The woman and her friends had been hiking in Shing Mun Country Park in Hong Kong’s rural New Territories when the monkey, part of a group of grey macaque monkeys, began pestering them.

Outside its high-rise heart, rural Hong Kong is home to an estimated 2,100 monkeys, the numbers of which have risen sharply in recent years partly because of hikers feeding them in parks.

In September, a 25-year-old woman was taken to hospital after being mugged by a monkey for a box of egg tarts as she got off a bus in another park in Hong Kong.

Apparently you need to protect your nuts when monkeys are around. And nobody wants to lose their nuts…

No, the headline doesn’t refer to the Harry Anderson Sitcom of the 80’s (as seen recently on 30 Rock). It has to do with punkeys! They’re disrupting the judicial system!! From the Times of India:

The threat of marauding monkeys in Delhi has forced the authorities to avoid holding evening courts at Tis Hazari (Occupied Territory).

According to court officials, the authorities had selected Tis Hazari court as one of the sites for holding evening courts in the capital.

“The proposal was turned down as several cases of monkey menace have been reported from the premises and the animals might create problems in working of the evening courts,” said an official.

After final discussions, the Patiala House court and Karkardooma court were finally selected for holding evening courts, the official said.

“The monkey menace is not new in the Tis Hazari court premises and several orders have been issued to the Municipal Corporation of Delhi to check it,” he added.

Chief Justice of India K.G. Balakrishnan Wednesday inaugurated the evening courts. These courts will function for two hours from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. daily and initially take up cases of dishonored checks of up to Rs.25,000 where the complainant is a financial institution.

Evening courts were first mooted in the 125th report of the Law Commission and again recommended during the Conference of Chief Justices held in April 2007 as one of the means to deal with pending cases.

They are trying to take down society in small increments. It looks like nothing now…but chaos is coming. Without justice, we are no better than they are. And they know it!

Will someone stop worshipping these evil over throwers!! Look at this from TIME:

Every year, all of the province’s approximately 600 monkeys are invited to eat fruits and vegetables during an annual feast held in honor of Rama, a hero of the Ramayana, who, it is said, rewarded his friend and ally, Hanuman the Monkey King, with the fiefdom of what is now Lopburi.

If we lose our battle to the monkeys…you now know why.

The punkeys have infiltrated our military!

The question is...Does that soldier know there is a monkey attached to him? They are very sneaky!

 It’s not just the Taliban they need to worry about!

Not satisfied with just stealing and sabotage, the punkeys in Mumbai (Occupied Territory) have started a psychological campaign against us too. From the Times of India:

Two monkeys who have made the Bandra skywalk their home have been causing havoc and indulging in inappropriate behaviour. Not only have they nipped at pedestrians and snatched their bags, they have even been seen mating on the skywalk.

There is nothing more psychologically damaging than seeing monkeys mate!

In the last month, at least 30 people have been bitten, one of them a security guard, J R Dubey, who has been posted there by the Mumbai Metropolitan Region Development Authority. The MMRDA has constructed the zigzagging yellow 1.3 km walkway, which became operational two months ago.

Not a single security official can explain where the simians have leapt from. One of them has a iron ring around its neck. Dubey said, “I have seen at least five people being attacked. I’ve been bitten twice. It’s terrifying to work here. In the night, the monkeys sleep behind the hoardings on the Western Express highway, and at other times, when they tired of the skywalk, they hide in the rain trees near Bandra station.”

Poonam Shah, 22, said she and her friends were happily strolling down the skywalk when a monkey bit her and snatched a cellphone from her friend’s hand. “I had to take five injections to avoid rabies. It’s really scary to walk here, but I do not have any other option,” she said.

While this correspondent was trying to get a picture of the monkeys, one of them obliged by snatching at the bag of an elderly woman, only to drop it after discovering that it contained fish.

Okay, you can’t blame them for dropping the bag if it’s full of fish. At least they have some taste.

TOI phoned MMRDA bosses Ratnakar Gaikwad, Milind Mhaiskar and Ashwini Bhide and told them about the untoward activity on their otherwise pedestrian-friendly bridge. Spokesperson Dilip Kawathkar said he would ask the security officers to do the needful. Range forest officer Rajendra Magdum, whose job profile includes tackling stray monkeys, said, “I will deploy two men on Saturday to trap them.”

MMRDA guards plan to light firecrackers to scare the duo away, but this will not be a permanent solution. Environmentalist Debi Goenka said the MMRDA should ask the forest department to help capture and translocate them in a forest outside Mumbai. Sanctuary Magazine editor Bittu Sehgal said, “They should be captured. In all probability, they are hungry and must have escaped from a madariwalla.”

When will humankind wake up and smell the monkey poop? It’s obvious that the monkey menace is testing us and with each incident, their information base grows. But as the people in Ahmedabad (Occupied Territory) believe, it’s just some cute, fuzzy monkey scared and stranded. From the Times of India:

It was a strange moment for Ahmedabad Fire and Emergency Services (AFES) officials when they got a call from Bapunagar stating that a monkey has made its way on the top of a cell phone tower. Officials rescued the monkey after an operation of half-an-hour on Saturday. According to officials, the incident took place at Yogeshwar Park Society where a private mobile service providers tower is located. According to some eye witnesses, a group of monkeys came to the place, out of which one climbed the ladder and reached on the top of the tower.

“The monkey was so scared by the group gathered near him that he could not come down on his own. We extended a ladder to him, but it hesitated. After some time he used the ladder to come down and ran in the opposite direction,” a fire brigade official said.

Officials used 20-ft ladder used for rescue operations in the times of calamities and fire incidents.

This monkey wasn’t scared to come down; he was scared to get caught! Like any terrorist organization, the group convinces some poor soul to commit the act against their target. That way only one person is caught and the rest can flee into the woods to plot again!

Finally, someone is taking the monkey menace seriously. In Taipei, Taiwan (Occupied Territory) they call it “monkey peril” but it’s still the same. From the China Post:

Chinese invented and used rockets in the early Ming period (1368-1644).

Its inventors couldn’t possibly have imagined that the weapon which was used for warfare would now be fired to scare macaques away from kaki orchards near Kukeng.

Kaki is the Japanese persimmon tree. Its fruit is very sweet.

That’s the reason why macaques, an endangered species of monkey indigenous to Taiwan, come out in droves to pick the fruit when it is ripe for the picking.

The only option open to kaki orchard farmers in the remote village in the county of Yunlin to end what they call the monkey peril is to hire primate control experts to scare away the marauders.

No macaques can be killed, according to the wildlife protection law. Three rocket manipulators have been hired.

Armed with plenty of rockets and firecrackers, the primate controllers are on guard from morning to dusk every day when the kaki trees are heavy with ripening fruit.

“Well, we have to work at 5 o’clock in the morning,” a rocket launcher said yesterday.

Chiang Chang-chuan said monkeys start to raid orchards shortly after sunrise. “And they are active throughout the daylight,” he added.

He and his two partners have to fire rockets every 20 minutes until sundown.

Each rocket has 12 firecrackers attached. A rocket is put into a launching tube and then fired.

“Of course,” Chiang said, “we are not aiming at the monkeys. We are just making noise to scare them away.”

Why every 20 minutes?

“They are persistent,” Chiang complained. The monkeys do not leave the orchards. “They are scared and we can shoo them off, but they stay around, biding their time to begin to attack again and again,” he added.

Chiang did not say how much the orchard farmers pay him for his noise-making work.

Whatever they pay him, it’s not enough. Fighting on the front lines of the war against punkeys is courageous and deadly work. Thank you, Chiang, thank you.