Puppies and Rainbows Music Blog

Wig and Peplum Blazer Sold Separately

2017-11-14T12:24:00.002-08:00

I don’t do many concert reviews anymore; mostly because they become very repetitive. I’ve attended very few concerts where I don’t have at least one positive thing to say so my message is rather monotonous . . .”they were great . . . I loved this part.” Live music in itself is a blessing; you have to be pretty bad artists to really cock it up.

This past week, I saw, what I consider to be, one of the most influential and important bands. A Perfect Circle performed in Boston on November 8th and I paid for an overpriced hotel to see them (I had a work event on the night they performed in Brooklyn). APC stands apart from most bands for me because I actually listen to each album, all the way through. I love each and every song,

I loved APC’s first two albums and listened to them relentlessly. I was so excited when Maynard put out a DVD with the Bikini Bandits for a special music video for “The Outsider.” I very rarely got eyes of judgment from adults at the time, so when the woman at Best Buy scanned the DVD’s barcode, and the cover looked like cheap porn, she gave me a very stern grimace—I could not have been more thrilled.

After APC’s first two albums, they released their protest album which most did not like. The album, Emotive, consisted mostly of covers of protest songs such as “When the Levee Breaks” and “Imagine,” along with two original tracks. I saw the film, Constantine only because APC’s song, “Passive” was in one of the scenes.

Look, I have APC t-shirts, tank tops, stickers, and underwear. My screen name on instant messenger as a difficult teen was raremagdalena. No matter how much of a dick Maynard appears to be in real life, APC overcomes his doucheness and enters a realm of authentic creativity and extestential questioning.

I have described seeing APC in concert as a spiritual experience in the past. What I mean is that I feel a certain sense of elevation when I hear their music live. Maynard remains mystical, hidden in the shadows, only his silhouette visible most of the time. Most would suspect that it takes away from his performance. Not so. You still see the outline of his pigtail wig, peplum blazer, and even the shake weights he used as props during “Thinking of You.” Seeing too much of him would detract from the seriousness of the music.

He spoke to the audience just enough to deliver typical anti-conformity messages of loving everyone for being different and wanting kids these days to write more songs about anal sex.

I mean, we were all thinking it.

APC opened with the song “The Package” which they have opened with each of the 4 times I have seen them. It’s great because the song is nearly 8 minutes long, and for 4 of these minutes, the song is super mellow. Then it just gets hard and the music gets so rock and harsh you just want to punch someone (in a loving rock and roll way).

Seeing APC again, 6 years after their last tour and hearing all their best stuff and also getting a sneak peak at new material being released in 2018 made me want to do some sort of crazy rain dance—not dissimilar from the weird swaying and bending and vibrating Maynard is known for in concert. Their use of such obscure phrases such as “umbilical residue,” paired with their raw and truthful messages and imagery make them like a horny U2 after an ethereal yoga retreat . . .with wigs!

What I am saying here may not make you want to listen to APC and it may actually make you want to stay far away from them but I beg you, give them a chance. And if you think some of their political messages and pessimistic outlook on humanity seems way out there, I recommend that you “stay away from the window, go back to sleep. Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils.”

The Shitter Is Full!

2017-11-03T08:21:00.001-07:00

We only have two months left in 2017. November. December. All I have to say is halle-FUCKING-lujah!

This year, personally, has been an awful year. I look back at the last ten months and I don't see a lot to be proud, a lot to feel good about, and a lot of standout joyful memories. A little bit depressing, but unfortunately, very true.

The world is in a weird place right now. And I think that trickles down into my own spirit as I live my life. After 10 months of 2017, I can honestly say that it has been the biggest fucker. I have used words like “exhausted” and “drained,” more often than I am used to. Saying things like “I just can’t,” and “people suck,” almost hourly. Even more telling is that I have said things like, “I have nothing more to give,” or “I am at my limit.” In other words, I am regularly feeling like there is no room for anything else. Whether it is room for emotions or room for giving a shit about other people, I feel like there is just no give in the space allotted. Like I said to my therapist, “there is no room at the Inn.”

My bullshit tank is overflowing. I cannot fit any more bullshit in 2017. The tank will just rupture. My filter when faced with immediate bullshit is next to nothing. I have no resistance to the impulse of telling someone exactly where to put their bullshit. So, when someone walks by me on the street and bumps into me and then tells me to say excuse me, you know what I do. I say “YOU say excuse me.” Because I’m done! I am done excusing the bullshit I hear and see and face every day. Someone recently told me that they had no time in their day because they were working constantly. Then I saw them and heard them with my own ears make a hair and nail appointment. Is this a prank? Am I being punked?

This year I have seen it all. I have seen arguments, job insecurity, sickness, death, financial struggle, disappointment, you name it. I have heard “hang in there” so much that is it almost laughable. So when someone is complaining about gaining a pound over the weekend, or not being able to get reservations at a restaurant, I have no response. Why? Because there is no more room in the bullshit tank. I cannot take anymore. And I am not looking for sympathy or to compete with someone to say my year was worse or anything like that. We all have our issues and drama. This is more of a mere warning that I cannot sugar coat my feelings and emotions anymore. So these next two months people better saddle the FUCK Up!

With an attitude as lighthearted as mine, you are probably wondering what the rest of 2017 looks like. Well, for the next two months, I envision a lot of forward thinking. A lot of thinking about what is ahead. What are my long-term goals, what do I seek in my life, career, etc.? How can I set myself up to NOT have a year like 2017 again? I intend to prioritize time with family and friends and also prioritize alone time—time that I can do exactly what I want to do which will probably include cooking, yoga, boxing, and watching the Holiday Baking Championship that starts next Monday on the Food Network. I plan to set some wheels in motion for amazing things to happen next year.

I cannot just set up some goals and when New Years roles around, drink some champagne and hope it goes ok (didn’t work). I need to start making moves on what I want to achieve. I need to start that now.

As I look at my 2017 goals/new year’s resolutions, I see that most of them were not accomplished. I wanted to read more (I am currently reading IT and if I finish it, that will be the only book I completed this year). I wanted to take a trip/book a trip to another country. Well, I am still here in ‘Merica and haven’t left since Trump got elected. I wanted to keep things from frustrating me. I wanted to be more balanced. Other than becoming better at headstands, my balance sucks and I tend to be either firing at all ends, exerting all my energy, or exhausted, wishing that the deliveryman had a key so he could open the door and put the food right in front of me.

But, I can start anew. I can be wiser of what I set out to do and have a positive outlook for the future. Just two more months. And perhaps I will make some room in my bullshit tank in 2018 but for now, be afraid . . . be VERY afraid.

Haunted Carbohydrates

2017-10-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

“Happy Halloween!” That is what we say. We don’t say “Fat Halloween!” or “Guilty Halloween!” or “Hate Yourself Halloween!” We wish good things upon people at this time of year. We wish them fun frights and silly fears, and tricks and treats and a hangover-free tomorrow. We don't wish evil on anyone (unless it is in good fun).

I have seen a lot of emails, social media posts, and other various statements regarding how to “resist Halloween candy,” or how to “work off your Halloween candy.” I’ve seen charts with the calories and nutritional value of each snack size option. I have seen pictographs of how far I have to run to work off the calories in a Kit Kat or how many jumping jacks I need to do to sweat out the calories in one Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. I have been sent lists of “alternative options” I can choose at a Halloween party that won’t leave me in a sugar-induced coma.

Are you people out of your mind?

What if I don't care? What if I really could give zero fucks about how to burn off the candy I will consume leading up to and on Halloween night? See, here is the thing—I do not put ANY restrictions on the amount of candy I eat on Halloween. I let myself eat as much as I want. I like to have peanut butter cups, or peanut M&Ms with breakfast (because, ya know, protein in the peanuts is a good start to your day). With lunch I prefer Kit-Kats and some tootsie rolls. For dinner I prefer the plain M&Ms and Twix bars. I like Twizzlers in the shower because they stand up to the steam. Right before bed, a bowl of Reese's Pieces makes for sweet dreams.

I don't track the nutritional info of each candy or factor them into my workout. Who cares? It’s Halloween! Don't misunderstand me—I used to track it ALL. I only allowed myself certain candy items and certain amounts and I printed out the nutritional information of all the candy I consumed.

Now that I am comfortable eating a mass amount of candy, guilt free, I notice how much everyone is focused on how to take the fun out of it. When we were kids, our goal was to get our hands on as much candy as we could. The second goal was to trade wisely with other kids to get the largest percentage of “good” candy. And our third goal was to eat as much candy as we could before our parents took it away or started raiding the stash. We did not care about calories, sugar addiction, diabetes. We cared about taking advantage of a holiday that celebrates candy in perfectly sized packages. Now it’s all, “well the best candy choice is peanut M&Ms because of the nutritional value of the peanut.”

People? Do you hear what you are saying? The healthiest candy?? That is like saying, “if you are going to inhale carbon monoxide, make sure it’s filtered with citrus fruit and Electrolytes.” Stop trying to make candy into something it isn’t. Its like noddle-less lasagna—it’s just not right. Lasagna needs noodles. Lasagna is Italian for “lots of pasta.”

I am all for healthy. I believe is minimizing meat consumption, eliminating soft drinks, eating your veggies, all that good stuff. But I don't believe in completely denying yourself of something, and then when you give in on that one day out of 365, you suck the fun right out of it like a vampire. Just enjoy the candy, savor it; without guilt or the need to “walk it off.” And you know how to best accommodate a Snickers bar into your diet on Halloween? Have another one.

It's Right Behind You!

2017-10-26T10:35:00.003-07:00

“Boys and girls of every age, would you like to see something strange, come with us and you will see, this our town of Halloween”

It is that time of year and what better way to honor this ghoulish season than a list of my top ten favorite horror movies. I love all kinds of horror movies. Slasher films, cult classics, old, new, creature features, paranormal spooks, psychological thrillers. What make horror movies different than all other film genres is that a horror movie can be bad, and still be good. Think about it. If you watch a drama film and it doesn't move you, or the plot has huge holes in it, you don't enjoy it. However, bad acting in a horror film, plot holes, time-lapse errors, awful special effects . . .who cares!!! You can still enjoy it. Maybe it makes the horror movie a little funnier or a little less “I need to keep the lights on while I sleep,” but chances are, you can still walk away from it feeling like it was two-hours well spent.

I must preface my list of films with some advice on how to get the most out of your horror movie watching Experience. First of all, popcorn must be had. Whether it comes in a bag or you make it fresh, it makes your movie watching that much more fun. Secondly, lights should be off or very dim. Candles set the mood perfectly. Lastly, get in the spirit. Don't go into a horror movie ready to point out all the inconstancies or how unrealistic the intestines look. Just buy what the movie is selling you. Sit back and enjoy.

Oh, and don't go out to the garage, answer the door, or investigate the creaking upstairs. That’s just stupid.

In no particular order, here are my top ten horror movies of all time:

The Shining (1980)

Why I love it: This movie scared me before I saw it. In the 90’s film, Twister, there is a scene at a drive-in where they show a scene from The Shining: Danny riding his tricycle around the hotel and runs into the ghostly twin girls. I didn't know what I was watching and it scared me for months. Eventually I got over my fear and watched the actual movie. The Shining is a smart horror film. Each time I watch it, I catch something new. It gets into your head. And that music, the weird chanting and moaning and creepy effects are so unsettling.

Scariest Moment: Those two creepy little girls. “Come play with us, Danny.” Hell no!

The Thing (1982)

Why I love it: This movie keeps you asking, “what is happening?” until the very end. The crazy looking Thing, everyone turning against each other, Kurt Russell?!?! What more could you want?

Scariest Moment: The spider-like creature made out of a human head.

The Strangers (2008)

Why I love it: This film really gets me because I grew up in a house near the woods with lots of windows. I have never watched it in that house because it is just too real. This movie is less about violence and actual horror, and more about creating a simple feeling of something looming and overall unease. When I watch The Strangers, I find myself checking behind me, just to make sure no one is there.

Scariest Moment: The first stranger that enters the house.

Human Centipede (2011)

Why I love it: I saw this movie on a second date. The woman sitting in front of me left about 20 minutes in. I had heard people were leaving the theater (which is an automatic reason to see a horror movie in my book) but this time, I actually witnessed it. This movie is so messed up that when you turn it off, you don't feel quite right. Could that really happen? Would someone do that? Cue evil laugh.

Scariest Moment: When the doctor first explains the procedure.

The Descent (2005)

Why I love it: This movie has it all. It has a primarily female cast. It has adventure, horror, blood, and creatures. Part of what is scary about this film is that it isn’t until at least halfway through the film that we are scared of these Gollum-type cave creatures. Until then, Mother Nature is what freaks us out—walls collapsing, claustrophobia, getting lost in a cave; these elements alone are terrifying.

Scariest Moment: When the character gets stuck in one of the confined tunnels.

Saw (2004)

Why I love it: The twist!!! At the end, the twist gave me goose bumps. If you don't know the twist, try to keep it that way until you watch it. This movie (unlike some of the others in the series) had an intricate plot with a lot of unexpected character developments along the way.

Scariest Moment: The lights don't work in his apartment so he uses a camera flash.

House on Haunted Hill (1959)

Why I love it: This movie terrified me when I first saw it. Could not sleep. It is really a well-made film because it has all the classic elements of horror—fog, a stormy night, an old house, candles, and creaking doors. The formula is perfection. And Vincent Price?!?! If you have never seen one of his films, this is a great one to start with.

Scariest Moment: The woman and the rope she hung herself with.

Halloween (1978)

Why I love it: Halloween does a great job of keeping elements of how we celebrate Halloween present. Kids trick-or-treating, carving pumpkins, making popcorn, leaves on the ground, babysitters letting kids watch a horror movie. It is relatable. This town haunted by Michael Myers could very well be your town.

Scariest Moment: The closet.

The Fly (1958)

Why I love it: This movie is great because it isn’t too scary. It is certainly dated with its special effects but at the same time, the main character is trying to hide the fact that he is becoming an insect, and therefore, means that not a lot needs to be shown. Like in Jaws—the suggestion of what is there is much more terrifying.

Scariest Moment: The spider web at the end.

Psycho (1960)

Why I love it: People often say that this movie changed the way they felt when they showered. I am one of those people. I actually saw the shower scene before seeing the whole film. I was at Universal Studios and they had a behind the scenes show about Hitchcock and they showed the shower scene before explaining how it was filmed. From that night until probably college, I locked my bathroom door when I showered. Until high school, I locked my door and also kept the shower curtain open. My mom would always ask why there was so much water on the floor. I couldn't very well say, “Because that movie clip I saw 6 years ago terrified me!” This movie holds up over time and continues to be classically scary.

Scariest Moment: Norman Bates in his jail cell.

I hope that as you read this, there are movies on this list you haven’t seen and that this Halloween, you watch . . .if you dare.

The Great Pumpkin

2017-09-25T10:11:00.001-07:00

As summer comes to a close and we are officially in the Fall season, our country is very much divided. Not so much politically, or ethnically, financially or racially, but those who embrace the Pumpkin Spice craze and those who don't. Autumn is the best for a number of reasons. My favorite bands go on tour (Halloween is their peak season), new horror movies come out and classics get rereleased. Eating an obnoxious amount of bite-sized candy is totally acceptable. Halloween home décor shows up in every store and to many of us, a nice set of skull dinner napkins is appreciated 365 days a year.

And yes, yes it’s TRUE! I also love Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice flavored things.

In defense of this exhausted flavor, there first needs to be an understanding of the difference between Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice.

Pumpkin is the edible gourd that we carve in October. Pumpkin is very similar to butternut squash (seeds, flavor, etc.). The most common form of pumpkin that actually is used for cooking is Pumpkin puree, which comes in a can and needs to be used within a month or so of opening. Pumpkin puree works well when added to dishes because it can provide moisture and flavor to items like bread, brownies and other baked items. Pumpkin is said to be good for the skin, low calorie, and even may help boost your immune system.

Pumpkin Spice or Pumpkin Pie Spice or Cake Spice is a mixture of spices. It has no Pumpkin in it. It is referenced to as Pumpkin Pie Spice because (get read for the big reveal) it is often used in pumpkin pie!?!?! However, a lot of Fall recipes, other than pie, may not list Pumpkin Spice as an ingredient but include all the makings of Pumpkin Spice. Pumpkin Spice is a blend of Allspice, Nutmeg, Cinnamon, Ginger, and Clove. How do I know this combination of five spices by heart? Because I have made my own when I could not find any at the store (a valuable skill useful on any desert island).

Pumpkin Spice, as opposed to Pumpkin itself, can be added to almost anything and it has a distinct, grandma’s homemade pie, , spicy, seasonal scent and flavor. A PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks) tastes rather fake and really does not give a great impression of what this flavor should be.

So, I am sharing some of my pumpkin secrets. By late August, I am stocking up on cans of Pumpkin and making sure I have at least two jars of Pumpkin Spice. From September until December, there is not much of anything I make that does not have a Pumpkin/Pumpkin Spice influence. Therefore, I hoard these recipes like a kid grabbing cookies of the shelves in a grocery store. But, I must share the wealth.

First of all, I buy (every season because it is not an all year item) Pumpkin Spice Chai from David’s Tea. It is the best and tastes great by itself, but also adding almond milk and maple syrup and some . . . .PUMPKIN SPICE to make it a homemade latte. Not to mention, it has little pumpkin sprinkles in the tea so it makes you extra happy when brewing a cup.

See tea here: https://www.davidstea.com/us_en/our-teas/tea-type/black/loose-leaf-tea-pumpkin-chai

Something I make (actually all year round) is Pumpkin Spice granola. It uses Pumpkin as part of the flavor and binding agent for the granola. It also calls for Pumpkin Spice (well, all the spices which as we learned earlier, equal Pumpkin Spice). It makes a lot and is great as cereal in milk or on top of plain or vanilla yogurt.

http://iowagirleats.com/2015/09/16/pumpkin-spice-chocolate-granola/

My next seasonal staple is pumpkin bread. This also uses both Pumpkin and the Spice. This recipe is the best because it makes two loaves (one for you and one for a friend) and you can freeze them. I usually add chocolate chips and it is the bomb dot com.

Pumpkin Bread recipe found here (but don't forget to add chocolate chips—it is just stupid not to): https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/classic-pumpkin-bread/

Pumpkin Spice pancakes are always delicious. I use this recipe that uses canned Pumpkin and Pumpkin Spice. These are fluffy and delicious. Sur La Table sells (seasonally) pumpkin spice maple syrup so you can really get crazy.

Recipe here: https://www.averiecooks.com/2014/09/pumpkin-pancakes.html#

Once I had a little of my canned Pumpkin left and needed to use it up so I found a recipe for brownies that were actually “healthy” brownies. They used pumpkin puree, peanut or almond butter, and cocoa as the main ingredients. Not bad.

Healthy Brownie recipe here: http://www.runningwithspoons.com/2016/10/15/flourless-pumpkin-brownies/

Lastly, just yesterday I made pumpkin mini muffins, which also use a blender like the brownies, and are rather healthy (no flour or butter). These are perfect if you make them mini (only fill up 1/3-1/2 of a regular muffin tin cup if you don't have a mini muffin pan).

Mini Pumpkin Muffins here: https://www.averiecooks.com/2017/09/mini-flourless-pumpkin-chocolate-chip-blender-muffins.html

Pumpkin Spice can be added to almost anything: cookies, cake, lattes, roasted vegetables. I like to roast butternut squash in maple syrup with some Pumpkin Spice sprinkled on top. I add Pumpkin Spice to my coffee grounds when making my morning coffee.

All of us may be a little tired of the Pumpkin craze but until you have tried the real deal, you cannot judge. Nor can you know the magic of these flavors and this season. Hope you find a little more room in your life for Pumpkin after reading this. And if you don’t, that is fine too. . .more for me!

Eye of Newt

2017-09-14T12:54:00.001-07:00

I have nearly reached the end of my tolerance for someone telling me his/her opinion about aspects of my life that they find disagreeable.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have done a lot more yoga over the last year. Disliking yoga until 2016, I was forced into it because of my lower back/spine, and the need to adjust to a primarily low impact lifestyle. Now, I have come to love yoga and find myself benefiting from all aspects of it. I have lost weight, I have toned and strengthened my body, and I have found peace and tranquility and a feeling of enlightened joy.

Round about the cauldron go,

In the poisoned entrails throw.

Toad, that under cold stone

Days and nights has thirty-one

Sweltered venom sleeping got,

Boil thou first i' th' charmed pot.

I also have experienced someone (who will remain nameless) who has continued to warn me of the dark magic and spiritual mumbo jumbo I can be subjected to by practicing yoga. I have been told that it is dangerous, that I need to "guard my heart" and even that s/he was "praying for my soul."

This near-exorcism reached its peak when I recently attended a New Moon Social at my neighborhood yoga studio. The way I described it (which is exactly what it was) was a workshop/yoga class where students are able to recognize the hardships and difficulties in the previous month, and then close that chapter and move onto the next month with a bright and fresh perspective. It was about positive new outlooks. I received two days of lecture.

Of all the "dark things" I value in my life, I would not consider yoga one of them. But somehow, it is being considered a heathen art. I have never used my voodoo doll but, I am starting to regret that decision almost as much as mentioning I practice yoga on a somewhat regular basis to this judgmental individual.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the cauldron boil and bake.

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,

Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

First of all, this person has never taken yoga or researched it. S/he discusses what s/he thinks happens in the practice and warns me to stay away. But stay away form what? Stay away from feeling strong, confident, listening to your heart, letting go of struggle and inner turmoil? Hmmm, doesn't sound that dangerous to me.

Secondly, we all have a dark side. The difference between him/her and myself is that I embrace it. I don't fight it, push it down, hide it. I love it just like the other parts of me. And I have yet to meet someone in my life who has inspired me to change. This person will not be able to either.

Thirdly, as a non-Christian person, I see pros and cons to its teaching. A pro is its encouragement of embracing all people, even the poor and destitute, even those who are not the same as you. To come from a place of love and inclusion. What this individually is saying to me on a regular basis seems rather exclusive. Trying to change who I am and what I value rather than accepting me for who I am—how "non-Jesus" of him/her.

Lastly, as most things I love, I usually don't try to push them on anyone. I love yoga and love if people want to go together to a class, but I am not one to try to force them to do something they do not want to (boyfriend not included). I love certain types of music, certain clothes, books, even food items, but I am not interested in changing others to do what I do. This IS the nature of what this person is trying to do with me. It won't work.

So if the fact that I practice yoga, I believe in working on yourself, I believe in honoring and respecting yourself, I enjoy seeing pounds drop on the scale, and I enjoy challenging myself makes me a witch, than witch be I!

Double, double toil and trouble,

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

**Excerpts are from William Shakespeare’s Macbeth, Act 4, Scene I (as the three witches enter)

I Never Knew What It Was Like, To Be Alone, On A Valentine's Day

2017-07-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I saw Thirty Seconds to Mars and Muse in concert. Thirty Seconds to Mars was “meh” but a highlight of their performance was when Jared Leto went out into the crowd and talked of one of his close friends, Chester Bennington. He spoke about how Chester “always had a smile on his face,” and then went into an acoustic version of “The Kill” amongst the crowd of Thirty Seconds to Mars fans, and fans of music in general.

Tears started streaming down my face. Losing some of our musicians, such as Chris Cornell, is hard. But this, I think for a lot of my peers, hit a little closer to home. I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory on repeat. I would come home from school and grab my Discman (yup—Discman) and go for a walk. This was not for exercise or anything else other than just an opportunity to blast the album as loud as I could in my headphones. It was such a thought-clearing time.

I bought a fake lip ring because of Chester. I dreamt of being in a rock band because of Chester. I put blue streaks in my hair because of Chester. Chester was loved by every girl or boy with inner anguish as a teenager. Whether it was anger and sadness about not fitting in at school, hating his/her parents, feeling lonely, being confused. We all had a friend in Chester’s voice. He not only understood our feelings, but also shouted out and screamed on behalf of all of those that felt they could not speak up for themselves.

In middle school, I wanted to marry Chester. I had covers of magazines, with his picture on it, in frames around my bedroom. Now, I have grown out of this worship phase, naturally, but I have never stopped listening to and appreciating his voice and Linkin Park.

What saddened me most about Leto’s dedication to Chester was that like him, I feel like I lost a friend. If you think about it, I spent more time listening to Chester than a lot of people who have come into (and out of) my life. Let’s face it, I don’t remember my ex-boyfriends birthday or what my favorite English teacher’s name was in high school. BUT I know all the words to “Papercut” and I remember that Chester has a tattoo of fish to represent being a Pisces on his arm.

Chester had a whole family, but he also had such a large extended family in all his fans. In thinking about it, I have been listening to Linkin Park since 2000. For 17 years I have not stopped downloading their albums or keeping up with their tour and singles. If I haven’t stopped yet, I don’t think I ever will. The only thing that may change is that I am not sure I will ever be able to listen to “My December” without crying.

Chester, all your fans, even us 31 year old women, miss you terribly and will always need your voice and your music.

I Am Not A Large?

2017-07-14T10:27:00.001-07:00

For many years, I shopped for clothes at maybe 2-3 different stores. These were my staple stores to buy clothes for school, then for internships, and even into my early working years. I would go up to the racks of clothes, and you know how they are set up—they start with the smallest sizes and move backwards to the largest sizes. I always pushed all the front sizes aside and went for the Large and X-Large. ALWAYS. These were my go-to sizes. Most of my shirts, dresses, and pants were these larger sizes.

Not being these sizes anymore sounds awesome but it is funny how old habits die hard. I find it very difficult to go into a store and grab a different size. I still go to the biggest sizes first. Those who have never had a body image issue or self-confidence issue with how they look will NOT understand why but I will try to explain it the best I can.

Having bought one size for so long, it is hard to believe that my body changed drastically enough to adjust my size. Sometimes I feel like I may have lost weight, but not enough to actually affect the clothing I wear. I don’t always see the difference when I look in the mirror so I think, it must just be a slight change.

When I grab these smaller sizes, whether it is just one size difference or 3 sizes difference from what I used to wear, I think I am kidding myself. There is a part of me that thinks I am just trying to squeeze into smaller sizes to make myself feel better but, in fact, I am still a Large. As if someone is going to walk up to me as I am grabbing a piece of clothing and say, “excuse me, Miss, I think you grabbed the wrong size.”

As an example, there was a recent time that I needed a dress for a work event. I went to a store where I would often shop and found a dress on a rack. I grabbed a Large and went to try it on. It looked ridiculous. Way too big for me. I decided instead of going back and forth, in and out of the dressing room, I would get a Medium and a Small. The Medium also looked too big. I tried on the Small and it fit perfectly. So my response was “this sizing is off.” I just could not fathom that I was a Small. So I left the dressing room and grabbed another of the same dress in the Small. There was a defect and the dress was labeled wrong. But it ended up fitting the same way.

I bought the dress and tried it on numerous times. How can this fit me? I cannot be a small. I am still a Large. Single White Female? Large White Female. Where many people shop for clothes, find the size that fits, and move on without a second thought, my head and body are often times not on the same page, arguing, making it impossible to settle at ease on a simple decision like the dress.

Some that are reading this (MOM) would say that I am attributing to much importance to the size on the tags of my clothing. That is 100% true. However, when a person is not-so body image confident, there is a lot of credit given to the size one wears.

I am writing this not so much to brag (because as I have explained, most of the times I don’t actually think any transformation or progress has even occurred so what would I brag about?) but also to let people know that there are different degrees of self confidence and different degrees of insecurities and we all show them in our own unique ways. One of my insecurities manifests in struggling to buy clothes and thinking there are defects when clothes fit me that wouldn’t have done so 4-5 years ago. Maybe I still think I need that bigger size because I think I still am that person 4-5 years ago.

But none of us are. None of us are the same as person we were 4-5 years ago and I think that is a great thing. We progress in all ways and struggle with some progressions more than others. That’s growth. So, when I choose to eat a burger when I want a burger and a salad when I want a salad, rather than eating Atkins shakes and pineapple 5 days a week, and pizza and brownies on the weekends, that is a progression. Working on understanding that no one is judging me when I don’t get that salad and I do get that burger is a progression. Recognizing that health is balance and not overhaul is progression. Not counting calories anymore, rather than limiting myself to less than 900 calories is progression.

So the lesson of this story—love your crazy self appreciate progress and growth (no matter how small or hard-to-grasp it may be), and if the clothes fit, wear them!

Rant

2017-06-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have all seen the new shirts coming from Dumb and Dumber (also known as Kendall and Kylie) that have their images plastered over classic rock and hip hop images such as 2Pac, Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne, and Kiss.

I cannot even begin to tell you how angry this makes me.

First of all, these shirts are selling for $125. Any rocker or concert-goer knows that the typical cost of a rock tee is at max, $40 and maybe $50 if it has some bells and whistles to it. $125 is outrageous. Explain to me why I would pay $85 extra to have a hoe’s image covering up my favorite band’s logo. That’s like asking me to pay extra for ice cream that’s wrapped up in baby spinach—it ruins the initial product.

People are going to buy these shirts. They are going to ask their mommies and daddies for money to buy these shirts. Their parents are going to think these girls are some sort of entrepreneurial role models (an excuse they are going to tell themselves while they are just being lazy and avoiding the lesson here to teach their daughters that exploiting yourself will not get you ANYWHERE) and the young people will buy them. They will not know anything of the music that has been mutilated and think they are hot shit.

There is a shirt with Kendall’s image over a Doors shirt. THE DOORS?!?!? I don’t even like The Doors but God Damn—they are untouchable rock royalty.

So what is most irksome about this? I think it is the real idea behind it. The idea that a Metallica t-shirt is great and all, but slap Kylie’s big ass over it and it is worth more money. And on top of that, fuckers will buy it! More will buy it than if they sold a vintage Metallica tee for that same price. #icanteven.

This whole family thinks they are above. Above and beyond respect of legends. Because they think they are legendary. And we aren’t really proving them wrong. The fact that Billboard’s Instagram posts pictures of Kim Kardashian (NOT a musician) as often as they post images of actual artists just shows their influence over industries they should stay the fuck out of. Billboard is a music industry source. Not a dumbass hoe source. Get the fuck out of my feed, Kim!

So, in short, I take true offense to anyone who will buy one of these altruistic shirts. I will never buy one and I disown any friend or family member who would. Not only as a fan of some of these artists, but as a fan of all music and someone who respects ~~all~~ most artists in the industry, I find this to be so disrespectful and true proof that they (they meaning the worst family to come to television) don’t understand what rock is all about.

Get your ass out of my face, Kendall. Fuck you and your family!

Give Me Novocaine

2017-06-21T12:41:00.001-07:00

In a few days, it will be a year since I have been having spine/back/hip issues. One whole fucking year. The only positive that has come out of this whole experience has been finding yoga, and making it such a huge part of my life. Otherwise, I miss feeling like I can move my body however I want. To feel like I need to think through activities before saying “sure” or “let’s go” is not something I have experience with.

After much acupuncture, a cortisone shot, and many many pain pills and creams, I decided to switch doctors. The “Pain Management Specialist” I was seeing was totally unhelpful. Every visit was “keep icing it.”

Dude! I am going to become a human popsicle if I keep icing my back. I was making a pretty regular routine of putting an ice pack in the back of my pants and holding it in place with the elastic waistband of my sweatpants. I kept it there until the right side of my butt was numb and then I took it out. Not a habit I want to get used to.

The new doctor I started seeing recently is an Orthopedic Surgeon. He recommended a nerve test which I experienced this week. What fun!

For this test, I had to lay down in bright blue, paper shorts, while the doctor attached electronic sensors with cords attached to them to my feet and legs. “You ready to get shocked?” he asked.

“No. Not at all,” I said.

He laughed. And I did not.

“Well at least your hair is already frizzy.”

Dick.

Then he took a contraption that looked like a Wii remote with two large prongs that distributed the zaps. The shocks weren’t bad. They made my legs and feet move without my control. Then he moved to the second part.

“I am sure I mentioned the next part of the test with the needles.”

My eyes bulged. He certainly DID NOT!

I had to lay face down and he stuck a needle into my muscles. I had to have the muscle relaxed and then flexed. The idea is to see if my muscles are working more than they should, to compensate for the injury. He stuck the needle in my calf, thigh and then my butt. Yes, I had to flex my butt.

He left the room and came back to discuss. He said, “there was a finding.” There was a muscle making up for the injury in my spine and the best solution was surgery.

“Would you be able to have surgery this summer,” he asked.

I started crying. Like, little-girl-dropped-her-ice-cream-crying. He was asking me questions and all I could do was use hand gestures and shake my head. He got up and gave me gauze to wipe my eyes (he didn’t have tissues which makes me think most people don’t act like a crazy toddler when they are in this office). He told me the surgery is minor and I would be able to be as active as I was before the injury.

I am taking some time to ponder this idea of surgery. In the meantime, more cortisone and trying physical therapy. He walked me out and carried my backpack (again, girl who dropped her ice cream) and told me to email him with questions, updates or anything else. Part of me wonders if I should shoot him over a quick email: “Sorry I burst into tears after you poked my butt” . . .wait, that doesn’t sound right.

Anyway, denial is considered toxic. One should address situations directly. Face things head on. Well, for right now, denial is sweet. I choose to enjoy a short time of addressing the situation by ignoring its existence. For the rest of the week, I shall pretend I am perfectly content leading a low-impact life and find comfort in yoga, sunshine and vodka.

And for all those reading this, enjoy your own type of denial with the perfect playlist:

Discount Books Are So Stressful

2017-06-16T07:38:00.002-07:00

At my job, we have team meetings once a week. At these meetings, we pick “value” cards from a deck and each week, discuss what that word means in our current life—work or personal. There is a whole stack of these cards with different words on them . . . creativity, peace, justice, power, love, anger, etc. The idea is to creates conversation and allows us to get us to know one another better. We had pulled cards months ago and I got “Tranquility.” We never went over them and then this week, we did. When it was my turn to talk about what my card means to me, I simply said:

“This is funny because I have absolutely no tranquility in any part of my life right now.”

A little blunt perhaps but I had nothing else to say. When you don’t have tranquility, all you can do is reflect on the fact that you don’t. Oh yah, you know that thing . . .well I don’t have it.

I know the value of peace and tranquility, especially of the mind, because I have experienced it. I can recognize that my current lack of tranquility is temporary and I have had it, and will again. The major benefit of tranquility is that it gives me full perspective. Problems don’t seem that big, issues seem like they will resolve themselves. I get a full understanding of “there is only so much I can do” and I know that worry, over thinking, and analyzing does absolutely nothing to improve my emotional and physical state.

It is cliche, but honestly, I experience the most pure feeling of tranquility during yoga. I get a revelation that I have limits, and most of the things I worry about in the other hours of the day is worthless. Life is basically good and beautiful—putting energy into other ideas is a waste.

Don’t worry, I feel tranquility in other places too—and sober, believe it or not. I recently was sitting in Brooklyn Bridge park with my boyfriend. We were sitting on a bench, near the pier, looking out at the water. It was so much warmer than it had been over the last few days, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. In that moment, I felt truly relaxed. I felt safe. I felt at peace—tranquil.

I do not know what qualifies as a true anxiety attack but I believe I have had two of them. Very minor, but I had them. Both within a few days of each other. This was about two years ago. One attack came while watching a movie with my parents. At the end of the movie, I felt extremely tense in my jaw. It felt as if my neck and jaw muscles were tightening so much, I might not be able to relax them . . . EVER. So, my mom gave me a heating pad to wrap around my neck and my dad gave me scotch (this should give you a good picture of what my parents are like).

The second attack was at Barnes and Noble—probably one of the most serene stores out there but yes, I was able to have a breakdown there as well. This time, I felt like I couldn’t focus. No matter what I was saying, doing, looking at, it was as if my thoughts were somewhere else and my body was just doing it's own thing. I felt like my legs might give out; that they wouldn’t hold me up anymore and I would just collapse on the floor in front of the “now on Blu Ray” section.

It was a very odd time. And it showed me that there are always going to be things fighting against that tranquil feeling but I have to work that much harder to maintain as many moments of this tranquility as I can. After this team meeting and saying out loud how NOT tranquil I was feeling, I made an effort to work towards it.

At the end of the meeting, we all gave our cards back and picked new ones. Clearly the universe is telling me something.

Peace.

Sweet Caroline Goes To Yankee Stadium

2017-06-09T07:19:00.004-07:00

I have never been a hug sports fan. I remember watching the New England Patriots as a kid with my parents. I remember Drew Bledsoe getting hit and then seeing this Tom Brady guy play quarterback and thinking . . . I don’t know why but I don’t like you.

Still don’t, by the way.

I remember going to a Red Sox game as a kid and caring not one bit about the game, but enjoying all the different food options you could get at one stadium. A fat kids dream!!!

Being in college in New York when the Red Sox won the World Series and living in New York for at least two Patriots Super Bowl wins, I have seen the anger that arises towards me because of the teams I root for. What I have found most interesting is that during every game, when the team I care about is winning or losing, it really doesn’t change the conversation. There is anger from New York fans, no matter which team is winning.

I was at a Yankees/Red Sox game last night at Yankee Stadium and even though the Red Sox were playing horribly, the fury was still there. I was so confused.

Lets be really clear about this, I barely watch any sports. I watch the big games (and those are really only if one of the New England-based teams are playing). I don’t follow players, I don’t understand baseball, I don’t know when the seasons start and end. I am not a sports person. But I do get a sense of excitement and passion when I do watch a game. When in Rome.

But, having said all that, I still face a lot of aggression. I have actually been at work in the morning, in my office, and a coworker came in, came into the doorway, pointed at me and said “New England sucks” and then walked away. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, I had no idea what had happened to make her say this. This has now happened at two different jobs. I have never said anything aggressive towards any opposing fan because I don’t feel I need to for a couple of reasons:

First, most teams have triumphs and their fans all ride those until the day we die. With the Red Sox, when “the curse ended” it put us on a high that no one can really take us down from. No matter how much people hate your team, the fans still remember those amazing wins.

Secondly, your team and its fan community should speak for itself. I don’t feel the need to defend any New England team because their game is the best representation. This goes for when they win and when they lose. It is an awful thing when a fan goes against the team when they are struggling. It’s like a mobster going against the family—you just don’t do it.

Thirdly, I have noticed that New York fans and their teams have to be the best. The spirit is of “we are a number one, top of the list, kind of the hill . . .” you get the idea. Boston and New England fans have a different spirit. Not so much of a number one status but of overcoming obstacles. More of a “we are still standing, look how far we have come” feeling. I like that. Plus, that is what I grew up with. In New England, there is more team swag worn than any other type of clothing. If you gathered a random group of 25 New Englanders, there would be more than 50% wearing some sort of team logo. I grew up with teenage friends getting their team tattooed on their body. I never heard of anyone rooting for another team that wasn’t from our states. It just wasn’t done. When I went to school in New York , my mom was asking why I wouldn’t become a Yankees fan or a Giants fan. I still don’t really have an answer other than its just not in my DNA to do that.

So as a half-assed sports enthusiast, I have to say that having dealt with sports fans of all kinds, I maintain that I am a proud New England/Boston fan. It is how I was raised and it is where I come from. So how do I handle the Haterade? I say nothing. And when we win, I don’t say that much either. I don’t need to. Stay true to your team, no matter how hard it may be.

And for my fellow New Englanders, here is a short playlist that should bring you back home.

Let's All Remain Audioslaves

2017-05-19T07:18:00.002-07:00

Wednesday night, I had the amazing privilege of seeing Metallica for the first time. For about 14 years, I have been listening to Metallica (and after seeing them live, I see what a small droplet of time that is in their metal legacy). It was a truly epic experience. I was embarrassed when they came onstage, I found myself squealing like a a young girl seeing Hannah Montana in concert.

Thursday morning, I woke up tired, black eyeliner still stuck to my eyelashes, and “Master of Puppets” stuck in my head. I rolled over and my boyfriend said “Chris Cornell died.” I was shocked but somewhat un-phased. I feel like most news I am not too shaken by these days. Crazy guy drives car into numerous pedestrians in Times Square . . . .can I get that with soy milk?

I immediately googled "Chris Cornell" and it was true, he had indeed died. Cause of death: unknown.

The first thing that came to mind was “Part of Me,” one of Cornell’s solo project singles featuring Timbaland (yup, Timbaland). I still love that song and enjoy listening to it, but always find myself also asking “What the Hell is going on here?” But no matter.

The second thing I thought of was Audioslave. In 2002, Chris Cornell and Audioslave released their first self-titled album. And I was OBSESSED! I remember hearing “Cochise” one morning and it was like the rock gods had opened up the skies and released a rain shower of musical sound. This album was everything. I have many songs/albums/artists that I tend to listen to in the summer—I think a lot of us do if we really think about it. This album is one of those summer albums. “Like a Stone” has been and will always be one of my go-to summer tracks. The freedom and longing in the song matches a drive by the beach or lazy summer morning like no other.

I must be honest here, I never listened to Soundgarden. In the early 90s, I was still pretty young and had not reached my rock phase yet. I still find myself just discovering grunge in bits and pieces over 20 years later. Even so, I am actually very sad to hear of Cornell’s passing. His music was a soundtrack to a time in my life that was very free, spirited, and hopeful. His voice takes me back to summers during college. Even now, there is a listless calm that I feel when I listen to his voice. And to know that he is gone and I won't have a chance to see him live or hear new music from his is very sad. Cornell is one of those original voices that you just cant replicate and we wont have anything like it again.

As I said, I feel like a an awful fraud writing this and not having listened to much Soundgarden. So while I am owning that, I have to say that I will always have a special place in my rock heart for Chris Cornell.

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for a light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

~ "What You Are" Audioslave (written by Chris Cornell)

I'm Back

2017-05-03T12:42:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how many drafts I have started and stopped since taking a short break from this blog. So many saved and unsaved random documents out in the virtual universe. So I have made a commitment that whatever I write at this point is what I am going to post. Here it is:

The first thing that comes to mind is that I will be seeing Metallica in concert for the first time, two weeks from today. The second thing that comes to mind is that I have been listening to almost exclusively hip hop and rap for the last month or so (since last writing my blog post about Marilyn Manson NOT releasing his album).

Perhaps it is just despite him that I made this current change. I have had it with goth and metal gods toying with me on social media and I finally said "FUCK IT" and moved on . . . only temporarily of course.

Less than a week after this disappointment, Kendrick Lamar released "Humble," the second single released before his big album, DAMN. So, I started listening to that. This is following a recent Hip Hop Yoga class featuring Kendrick so I pretty much just added "Humble" into my daily mix of:

"Man of the Year" ScHoolboy Q
"untitled 07 I Levitate" Kendrick Lamar
"Trap Trap Trap" Rick Ross
"digging for windows" Zack De La Rocha

Kendrick's album came out the day after my birthday (accident? I don't think so), so when I woke up to use the bathroom at 2:00 AM, I took the opportunity to pre-download the album so it was all ready for listening in the morning.

The album is pretty amazing so there hasn't really been room for anything else. "DNA." is without a doubt, the best song on the album. I always like the heavier, more aggressive rap so this song just satisfies every musical need I could want.

Other good tracks (that I listen to in-between "DNA.") are "ELEMENT." and "LOVE."
I was stocked to head back to Hip Hop Yoga as they hosted a class in honor of the release of DAMN. but I got a cold that same day and had to miss out.

My weekly suggested tracks on Spotify were evolving with my listening choices and they started to feature much less rock and almost exclusively hip hop and rap. One song caught my ear and I was shocked to see it was Desiigner! You know, the Panda guy? The Future sound-a-like?

"Timmy Turner" is such a darker, melancholy side to rap. It is so unique, I just can't get enough. In fact, today a car drove by that was blasting the song and in response, I screamed and ran to the open window of my office (I am on the 6th floor) and enjoyed the track from a distance before the car drove to the next block. In the process, I also confused many of my coworkers.

With my openness to all things hip hop, I decided to integrate some female artists into my repertoire. Nicki Minaj's "No Frauds" did the trick. Going back a bit with "Truffle Butter" and happily having Lil' Wayne on both of these songs lightens the mood a little after my insistent listening to "Timmy Turner."

That all being said, just because I was not writing, does NOT mean i was not listening. And yes, I still follow Marilyn Manson's every move and see his, now weekly, Instagram posts that are now just more aggravating and upsetting than anything else. AND, not only am I seeing Metallica in two weeks, I am seeing Kendrick Lamar in July.

Rather than fight this change in preference of music, I am enjoying it as one of many musical phases I enjoy going through. And is it so horrible to be a hoe and turn up before 10 AM on a Saturday, listening to Migos? No. No it's not.

Stay humble.

A Letter

2017-03-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Marilyn Manson,

Am I the only one who is wondering where your new album is? Honestly, it was scheduled to be released on on Valentine’s Day. February 14^th, 2017. That was over a month ago. As each week goes by and I look at music blogs and metal blogs, and they talk about new music coming out, there isn’t a WORD as to where the Hell SAY10 is.

No tracks available anywhere, just the teaser of a track and a music video. But that was months ago. That was 2016! That was before Trump was elected!?!?!

No one seems to be asking this question. Well I am! What is the hold up? Is something going on, keeping this album from being released? No social media communication from you in weeks. What is the deal?!?! And why is no one else wondering? Am I the only one that had it on my calendar to expect to download new music on February 14^th?

I FEEL LIKE I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!?!?

Needless to say, I am very disappointed. This is a huge letdown and a lot of build up to nothing. Are you releasing an album this year or not? If you are, then when? Because right now, you are just a liar, releasing the news that SAY10 was coming out in 2017. And I didn’t think it was right that you got beat up at Denny’s but if this album doesn’t come out soon, I might not feel so bad for you.

Stop toying with my emotions and release this album.

Thank you so much!

Sincerely,

Nicole

All My Life I Want Money and Power

2017-03-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

I've done the Metal yoga thing and that was great! What’s next?

Hip Hop yoga, obviously!

On Wednesday, I took a Hip Hop yoga class: Kendrick Lamar versus ScHoolboy Q. I figured it was something worth trying and had no idea what to expect. The room was candlelit and at least 80 degrees. The music was a mix of Kendrick, ScHoolboy, and some more Zen yoga tunes played at the beginning and end of class.

Each sequence of class consisted of three rounds: first doing the “flow” on the right, next on the left, and then the instructor would blast the music and we were to do the sequences on our own with no instruction until she told us to stop.

The difference with this class and the Metal class was at Metal yoga, the music was a backdrop to the class, a minor detail. At this class, the music was the focal point. The class was really all about losing yourself in the music.

The first blast was to “Backseat Freestyle” and I was like yessssssss. Luckily the class was candlelit so no one could see me lip singing "Kendrick had a dream!" nor could they see a little booty bounce on my warrior one.

I am very VERY particular about the Rap and Hip Hop that I listen to. When I am amongst other people and Hip Hop is playing, it doesn’t really matter what it is. However, when it comes to the Hip Hop music I select to listen to on my own time, it has to be worth it. I don’t have many rap albums I listen to all the way through and very few artists that I respect and would care enough to see them in concert.

Kendrick Lamar is something special. You hear the emotion, the anger, and the intellect in his music. And though I didn’t really know ScHoolboy Q (apparently I saw him at Austin City Limits and was a fan) I really enjoy his music too. I suppose most Hip Hop I feel I can’t relate to. When Future is rapping about fucking up some commas, I can’t relate at all. I can barely afford rent, buddy! And when Rick Ross is rapping about throwing dollar bills at strippers I . . . .

Anyway, I find Metal much more relatable. I haven’t bought a Cadillac but have I felt fucked—shit out of luck? You bet I have! But there are those gems of rappers and Hip Hop artists that have it. They have all the bling and flash but still keep themselves at our level. Kendrick is one of those rappers. #Respect

As my big passion is music, after most fitness classes, I look up the instructor on Spotify and see if they have a profile and public playlists. Here is the playlist from class. Hope you enjoy.

Free Hugs

2017-03-15T02:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things affect you differently than you would expect. For example, when I had Metallica general admission tickets in my shopping cart and then I lost them, I did not expect to cry . . . but I did.

Some things that you think will upset you, actually don't, and then other things that you don't think will upset you, actually do. When life events, big or small, come up and someone else is upset, hurt, angry, sad, I am not initially sure how to handle it. Over the years, I have figured out my approach which is treat someone how I would want to be treated. How would I want someone to treat me in this situation? And then I do that. How I deal with pain and sadness is probably different than a lot. When I am really upset, I need space but I also really need comfort.

I remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I did it in our living room and then he reluctantly left. When I walked upstairs to bed, my parents were still up so I went into their room and just started crying. I didn't expect that reaction because it was my choice to end the relationship, and it was a long time coming, but I truly could barely speak. My mom was confused and asked me what had happened, did I regret what I did, isn't this what I wanted, etc. My dad just came over and hugged me. He didn’t ask any questions or try to understand the situation, just gave me some much needed comfort.

I often look back at this time and use it as an example of how to handle someone who is upset or going through something. When faced with sadness, my instinct is to hug or offer a hug. Sometimes people want it and sometimes people don't. When Hilary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in last year's election, I was crying at my desk and a coworker came over and gave me a hug. It was exactly what I needed.

Hugs let you hide a little. Remember when you were a kid and you made a fort under blankets or under your desk? It was a comfort to hide and kind of disappear. That is what a hug is for me as an adult. A brief shelter from the storm that is adult life.

I used to work with a girl that I hated. I don’t work with her anymore but I still hate her, by the way. She was dealing with some family things and I saw she was in her office on the brink of tears. Despite my feelings towards her, I walked into her office and asked "do you need a hug." Her response was a surprising "yah" and I hugged her. I comforted that bitch during that tough time.

I never have discounted the importance of a hug. It is such a basic thing and certainly there are people that don’t enjoy hugging or being hugged. Feeling someone close to you in a physical sense is one of the most significant natural remedies and methods of healing. It is something to be done when you are unsure what else you can do.

If you are feeling like you may need a hug and don’t know where you can get one, enjoy my playlist full of melancholy, soothing, dreary tunes to embrace the sadness until you find your hug.

Don't Shop, Don't Work, Don't Talk

2017-03-12T03:00:00.000-07:00

As I write this, it is International Women's Day. There is a lot happening on this day. A lot of girl power and strength in numbers and fighting back and the like. What really struck me was the A Day Without A Woman initiative. Protests and action items laid out for women to make notice of how the world would be without women for a day. Women aren't shopping, they are not going to work; they are trying to be out of the picture for 24 hours.

 All day I was going back and forth about it. Mostly because when all is said and done, I am not behind this movement. (And secondly because I had to buy my lunch). This whole thing reminded me of when a girl is mad at her boyfriend and she won't tell him why or say she is mad, but instead, she passive aggressively gives him the silent treatment, ignores him, doesn't give him the time of day.

 This is not effective. The guy can chill and relax and not deal with the argument and the girl can maintain her enraged state of being (as we often like to do).

 When I started really taking some time to think about this idea of women not spending and not going to work, it became clear that I was so NOT on board. If anything, we should be spending that money that we earned ourselves. We should be celebrating each other for being women. We should be spending our money on things that celebrate us as women--art, culture, fashion, food, literature. We should not take work off but celebrate that we CAN work and that we are earning our own money.

 To be silent and be "without" women for a day goes against everything feminists and those fighting for women's rights are trying to do. We must be as present as possible and support as many women as possible. Sitting back to not spend or not work, that is almost like not voting. We fought for our right to vote. What's next, not wearing pants???

When we look to make changes in the world, action is required. Trying to prove a point by being silent to it just allows for that something to continue. So, even though it is not International Women's Day anymore, tell a strong woman that you love her, support female-owned businesses, and if you are a woman, GOD DAMN GIRL, HAVE A GLASS OF WINE!

Like, do you know what I mean?

2017-03-05T02:00:00.000-08:00

I am not a basic bitch. I am very aware of what it takes to be one and I do work extensively on keeping myself from being one. I do, however, have numerous basic bitch tendencies. For example, I go to yoga very often . . . in Tribeca. I enjoy pumpkin spice flavored EVERYTHING (except the PSL—that is just one step too far). I like scented candles; I like Rosé in the summer.

One of my favorite basic bitch tendencies is overnight oats. I LOVE overnight oats. I make overnight oats almost every night for the next morning. I add peanut butter, or berries, or flax seed or wheat germ, or honey. I use almond milk (to make it extra basic bitch) and often assemble my overnight oats in a mason jar (to peak my basic-o-meter).

It has become fairly clear that my dedication to this balanced breakfast choice is the most telling feature of the fact that I am 30. When I am out on a weeknight and as the minutes go by, my biggest concern is . . .

I have to get home to make my overnight oats!!!!

In all seriousness, it is a nightly routine that cannot be disrupted. I am 30 and my dedication to my food prep screams “I AM 30.” I went to a concert on Wednesday this week. It was a school night but I was out until almost midnight. Even after 4 cocktails and 4 different DJs, I wobbled back and forth in front of my kitchen counter and assembled my overnight oats before collapsing into bed.

I was giving advice to a friend this week (not a common occurrence but hey, she asked) and a lot of what I was saying was things I need to say to myself. Fixating in trouble areas of my life will consume me. Then all that energy is being wasted when it could be directed towards all the positives I have in my life. It is amazing how when I refocus, so does everything else. When can you take the time to adjust your focus and re-stabilize yourself, you ask? Making your overnight oats. Duh!!!

I have mentioned before that a focus for this year is positivity, being open, and being more balanced. Using less of my energy to focus on unimportant things and putting that energy to better use. Perhaps this overnight oats-making helps with this balance and takes me from a high level of crazy to a more open, peaceful version of myself. I think we can all agree that the less crazy me is better.

In lieu of my favorite breakfast treat, enjoy my Overnight Oats playlist.

And also, please enjoy my favorite recipe:

Basic Bitch Oats

½ cup unsweetened milk

½ cup old-fashioned oats

1 ½ tablespoons nut butter

1 teaspoon wheat germ

1 tablespoon chia seeds

Mix all ingredients in a mason jar, cover and leave in fridge overnight. Enjoy the next morning (UGG boots optional)

I Am A Passenger

2017-03-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

When you get stuck on the subway for 5-10 minutes, you can usually find something that will occupy your time. You can make a To Do List in your head, plan your meals for the week, even meditate.

When you are stuck on the subway for over an hour, suddenly you need much more to distract you. Luckily, I used much of my 2-hour total commute (which normally takes about 30-40 minutes) to make a great playlist of some of my current favorite jams. That is, until I found I had a saved episode of The Jersey Shore on my phone. Ya know, the one where Angelina is thinking about leaving and then she brings home the guy and sleeps in Mike's bed and then Snooki fights her and she eventually leaves?!?!?

Please enjoy this playlist and I hope it gives you enough distraction when stuck in traffic or on the your respective commutes.

You Don't Scare Me . . . No, Seriously, You Don't

2017-02-26T02:00:00.000-08:00

One band that has come up a lot on random Metal websites, Metal memes, and music suggestions on Spotify is Ghost B.C. They are a Swedish band that is most recognizable by the lead singer usually dressed as a satanic pope, adorning skull face paint. I have seen many photos of them, and when I saw “Swedish Heavy Metal” I was like, how gruesome and hedonistic. Lets go for it!

I started streaming their music by clicking on a random song, “Cirice.” Well, I got to say, not what I expected. The song sounded like Blue Oyster Cult with heavy base, except it wasn’t “heavy” at all. The lead singer, who I thought would have the voice of a tempting evil demon, sounded like a whiny teenager who wouldn’t talk at the dinner table to his overbearing parents.

I tried another song, “Square Hammer.” Well, this song sounded more like a 60s protest song with a little guitar and drums hanging out in the background.

Hmmm . . .

Then I tried “He Is” which just reminded me of a Christian song, praising the Lord and such (which is fine but I guess not what I would expect from a band that praised Lucifer a few tracks before).

All in all, I get very excited when finding a new band to love but Ghost B.C. is not one of them. I don’t know if it is because they are from Sweden that we are stupid enough to think, it must be Metal, but there is really nothing Metal about them.

That being said, let’s move on and just say they are not Metal. Are they any good? Great question!

No; no they are not. I get the vibe that they are trying to be unique by mimicking the Catholic Church choir style with a heavy twist but it doesn’t work. In “Year Zero,” the song starts with lyrical synonyms for Satan and goes on to discuss the takeover of humanity by the Devil and how “he will tremble the nations.” Sounds scary, right? Not at all. You could play this song at your daughter’s 5^th birthday party and no one would notice.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I don’t look for scary music that threatens the survival of life as we know it. BUT, when you put yourself out there as a frightening Anti-Christ Swedish Heavy Metal entity—I expect a little more from you. I feel no emotion towards Ghost B.C. other than disappointment.

I cannot, in good conscious, recommend Ghost B.C. as a Metal band or as a band that plays well-orchestrated music. So, when you see their photo next time, just remember that the wizard behind the curtain is a pathetic excuse for rock and roll.

My Fake Plastic Love

2017-02-22T02:30:00.000-08:00

I would not call myself a big Radiohead fan. I would not call myself a Radiohead fan. I would not say I listen to them or have ever listened to them—because I haven’t. I recognize and understand them, at a great distance, as a great band that has made decades of influential music, but I have never had a direct interaction with them. I have a friend who explained how she finally understood the immense genius that is Radiohead. She had listened to one of their albums over and over again and nothing really took. She just didn’t get what all the fuss was about. Then one day, she was walking through the cold winter streets of Chicago with Radiohead playing on her headphones as a soundtrack to her daily commute and that is when it hit her. She got it! That is how music has to grab you. You have to be open to it and the timing has to be right. People often recommend music to me and more often than not, I don’t listen to it (sorry). At least, I don’t listen to it right when they recommend it. That’s because I have to find it. It has to fit, like a puzzle piece, into my life. My feelings and the feelings of the music have to integrate.
I only recognize “Fake Plastic Trees” from films. I never heard the song independent of other media. But, I experienced it free of outside influence this week. I was in a yoga class, relaxing at the end of class as you are supposed to do. The instructor had been playing music throughout the class, mostly atmospheric, calming background music. But, at this point, he played “Fake Plastic Trees.” First I thought, what a great choice. How different and unique. Then it hit me. The vocals and sadness in Yorke’s voice, the music itself. And I suddenly felt such strain in my heart. Like the song went into my chest and just squeezed tightly. I felt such longing for love and to be with someone I loved that tears started welling up. I could never make this up. So what did I do? I just let these feelings wash over me. I think that is often the idea of mediation and yoga--to have a chance to feel these feelings you don't give yourself a chance to feel all day, all week, whatever. Some emotions I had been feeling over the last few weeks, some full of love and some full of other things, hit me just then during “Fake Plastic Trees.” As I lay there, feeling, I realized that I was in a yoga class, with other people that probably weren't having an emotional meltdown. It's not like I could shake one of my classmates by the shoulders with tears running down my face screaming, "It does wear her out. It wears me out! Oh holy fucking Hell what is life!?!?!" So I lay there and sucked my tears back and focused on stretching and whatever else I could to distract my heart. As I continued my emotional journey with “Fake Plastic Trees” on my subway ride home, a man went to pass me as he existed the subway train and he winked at me. And in my emotional state, I smiled back. No dirty look, no shrug or cold shoulder, no flicking him off. I was too weak to push away this slight sign of affection (perverted or not).My moody Radiohead journey has continued over the last 48 hours. I have listened to all of Kid A, most of Hail to the Thief and random selections from Ok Computer and A Moon Shaped Pool. There are many bands out there that make your problems feel covered in sprinkles. It's all good, friend. Just shake your ass and it will all be fine. From what I have gathered, Radiohead makes you feel those deep feelings that you may or may not want to feel. Radiohead is the yah-it’s-not-always-easy-being-an-adult-and-it’s-perfectly-normal-to-have-an-emotional-breakdown-in-a-yoga-class-on-a-Monday-type music.

What Are You Looking At?!?!

2017-02-19T02:00:00.001-08:00

It is so exciting when you hit a goal. Whether it is finishing a project at work, getting a good grade in school, or running your first marathon. Goals accomplished are truly inspiring and fulfilling!

As I write this, I have reached my weight loss goal. No diets. No denying. No excessive workouts. With balance as a new focus in my life, I lost a total of 25 pounds. I tried every diet and fitness fad there is—from P90X to Slimfast, Atkins shakes to a personal trainer. What I finally realized is that the pressure I had on myself in these fitness routines and the amount of food I denied myself in these diets was what caused weight gain, not weight loss. There was no balance, just overwhelming obsession.

After all is said and done, and I have celebrated a victory, I know there is still so much further to go. Sure, the physical goal has been achieved but what about mental?

Struggling with body confidence is like an iceberg (isn’t everything?!) and the tip of the iceberg is how I actually look without my deformed filter. Sure, that matters a certain amount. However, the rest of the iceberg, the biggest portion of it, unseen under the water, is what I think I look like or what I “see” using my filter.

Having lost 25 pounds, you would think I would see a large difference in the mirror, and there is ample evidence to support that weight has been lost (I needed extra holes added to my belt buckle and most of my work clothes don’t fit anymore). However, when I look in the mirror, I don’t see much of a difference. Looks about the same.

Why is that?

Well, that is because my mind is fucked up when it comes to body image and confidence in said body. It has taken up a larger part of my brain than I would like. Whereas I have come a long way in not focusing energy on calories or whether I missed a workout, I am still overly focused on the image I am left with.

I have a defensive shield. Whenever someone tells me “you look great” or my boyfriend says, “You look hot,” those comments are deflected off the shield and never actually reach me. No matter how honest you may be, it does not compute within my brain as honesty. With my shield I can deflect almost anything—She feels bad for me so she is giving me a compliment. He doesn’t know what else to say so he is saying nice things to you. He knows he can’t say you’re fat, so he lies.
Damn you, inner monologue!

This shield even deflects self-love and body confidence I give myself. I can look in the mirror in a new dress or even a bathing suit and think that I like what I see, but that other bitchy voice will talk back real quickly. You think you look good, but you are just having a good body day. The lighting in this dressing room is really flattering. You look great standing alone, but compared to everyone else, not so much.
Deflect!

Living with this much body image struggle is frustrating, but it is also selfish. I am so focused on what I look like, how other people are commenting on my weight, how I see myself. There is no room for anyone else in there. No room for other thoughts and feelings. It is necessary to get out of my head and spend much less energy on eating a piece of cake but feeling like I have to say I am going to the gym later so no one judges me. I am tired of this deflecting. Time to deactivate the shield, even if it takes a while to fully neutralize.

A few weeks ago I created what I am calling a “Sassy Mix.” An exclusively woman, confident, I’m fly as fuck, attitude-filled playlist. Most of the artists on this list are not usually in my repertoire, but sometimes you need something to shake things up.

If there was ever a time to share this playlist, it would probably be with this post.

They Got Caught In a Bad Romance

2017-02-13T13:07:00.004-08:00

Why is everyone so pissed off about the Metallica/Lady Gaga performance at the Grammy’s last night?

Well, luckily I have a list of reasons here for your review:

01. Metallica was not introduced, only Lady Gaga

02. It was a poor impersonation of the raving teens in Nirvana’s music video “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

03. Lady Gaga looked more like she was hired to dance than to sing during the performance

04. Hetfield’s microphone didn’t work

05. No chemistry between Lady Gaga and any of the members of Metallica

06. Lady Gaga was the star and Metallica was her backup

07. Lady Gaga looked like Madonna, not a Metallica metal chick

08. There was a woman wearing a sweater set in the onstage crowd

09. There was a man wearing a muscle tank in the onstage crowd

10. People’s main statement to me after the performance has been “Did you see Lady Gaga? I thought she looked good.”

It is all fine and dandy that Gaga was able to put her haters behind her after people started claiming she had a belly at the Super Bowl, but I really couldn’t give a shit about how she looked. She was the star of the performance! And how long has she been around? Well, her first album dropped in 2008. Metallica’s first album was released in 1983. Damn, have some respect for Christ’s sake. And Gaga, no one has ever danced liked that at a Metallica concert (at least without getting some cash thrown her way). Stop dancing around like a hooker with turrets and head bang like the rest of them.

I really like Lady Gaga which I stated in my last blog post, but I cannot in good conscience let her off the hook. I felt like these guys were just her puppets and she was their master . . . .you see what I did there?

I don’t watch the Grammy’s anymore as it focuses much more on the “right now” artists than the “here for the long-haul” artists.

And with that, I am happy to find that the Metallica 2017 tour announced today did not include Lady Gaga. She’s got her own tour and perhaps it is best to keep them separate.

Neutral corners, guys, neutral corners.

Queen Bey or Mother Monster

2017-02-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

During my Super Bowl evening this past Sunday, I was asked a very important question.

“Would you pick Beyonce over Lady Gaga?”

What an awful question to ask me because it puts me in such a horrible position. Having to chose between two such amazing artists.

I mean, Beyonce has been in my life (meaning in my music library) for so long. I was listening to Beyonce before I hit high school. Destiny’s Child was huge! My friend and I even wrote our own version of “Jumpin’, Jumpin’”:

Ladies leave your pads at home

Your pockets are full of tampons and the bathrooms are gross

Now all you fellas leave your girl with her cramps

‘Cause it’s 11:30 and the club is PMSing, PMSing

Ok, maybe I was immature in middle school but you cannot tell me Weird Al wouldn't love to be able to say he wrote these lyrics!

On the other hand, I traveled to Fort Lauderdale to see Lady Gaga in concert and believe me, she did not disappoint. The woman played the piano with her stiletto heel!

I have been looking through a lot of spreadsheets and numbers lately at work so I decided to take that and apply it to this conundrum. Please see below my Beyonce/Lady Gaga Chart, rating each artist’s top song in a few important categories, on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the best. A total possible score of 100.

	Beyonce		Lady Gaga
	Song	Score	Song	Score

Naughty Song	“Partition”	10	“I Like It Rough”	10

Loving Men	“Drunk In Love”	9	“LoveGame”	9


Hating Men	“Sorry”	10	“Swine”	6

Ballad	“I Was Here”	9	“You and I”	8

Anthem	“Run the World (Girls)”	10	“Born This Way”	9

Best Quotable Lyric	“I woke up like this”	10	“I’m just bluffin’ with my muffin”	7

Revenge Song	“Ring the Alarm”	9	“Bad Romance”	10

Love Song	“Halo”	9	“The Edge of Glory”	8

Girls Night Out	“Crazy In Love”	5	“Just Dance”	9

Phone Call Song	“Video Phone”	6	“Telephone”	9

TOTAL SCORE		87		85

I did not add up the scores until I had totally filled out the chart. This was so I could maybe see if I was completely wrong in my quick response that I gave to this puzzling question during Sunday’s halftime show. I wanted proof in numbers. And this is pretty damn on point!

The score was a 2-point difference with Beyonce ending up with the higher score. And that is correct. I think both divas have amazing talent. I have seen both ladies in concert, I have all the albums of both artists, I have t-shirts of both women that I wear pretty regularly and I enjoyed both of their halftime show performances.

BUT . . . I love Beyonce a little bit more. I am a little more likely to say “ladies, now lets get in formation” than I am to say “put your paws up.” And though I think it is great that Lady Gaga has done so much with Tony Bennett, Beyonce had Kendrick Lamar and Jack White on her last album. I just think I enjoy Beyonce's music, lyrics and overall presence a tiny bit more than Gaga.

So, during Super Bowl LI, when I was asked “would you pick Beyonce over Lady Gaga?” my answer was an unwavering “yes.”