pure reflection

a return

2011-05-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in a long time. Life has changed, I had another little baby who is such a blessing to me. I always wanted a family, a large family. I have 3 kids 4 and under and in some ways I wish we would have more but we are not. Pregnancy is so difficult on my 4'11 frame. I have to have c sections ( I have tried for VBACS but was unsuccessful) The 3rd trimester I developed preeclampsia with each baby. It is just very difficult. God has given me a beautiful family which I am beyond grateful for. There was a time when we were trying to conceive my oldest that we thought we would never have kids. We had got to the point of talking adoption. Sometimes I still think I might want to adopt. I feel and hope that if someone ever wanted to give me their baby that my husband would be on board with me to do so.

I feel like I might ramble a bit here.....

I was reading James today. I don't know if I ever have really looked closely to james before. It is such a beautiful book and is rich in practical.. He instructs us to be not just hearers of the Word but doers. He teaches us that it is not about faith, or about actions, but it is about faith that leads to actions. To be slow to speak and anger but to be faithful people to those around us in need. To not just pray for others needs but to meet others needs. I am guilty that I am too lazy to get involved in other people's lives. Not because I don't want to but because I am overwhelmed with anything outside of my day to day. I really need to get out there and get my hands diry. I need to step outside of myself and focus on the eternal. I so despratly want Christ's focus and for others to see HIM instead of me. I need to start with my actions. This is so difficult for me to even write, simply because I feel like I am so busy with husband, kids, work, house, cleaning, dog, ect. But I do need HIS focus, to do HIS work and be HIS feet and hands. I want my life to be a reflection of Him and James is a place of practical ways.

James 1:22 ESV - YouVersion.com

~Becky~

Change me

2010-01-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

If Christ is in the center of my life then everything else should fall into place. ALL my actions and thoughts would be a reflection of Him. I feel like I am so far away from that right now. I feel like I seek the world SO much more than seek Him. I have been reading my Bible regularly, "seeking" Him, but I am coming to see that my life isn't reflecting my love and devotion to Christ. Where am I at? Am I in such a place that sin and the lusts of this world are still my first priority? Do I love the world so much that I am, somewhere in my being, unwilling to put it to death. My only wish in life is that my life would reflect God's love. That people would look at me and my life and see Christ so evident that they would not even see me. That my love for all people would be more than myself. How do I get to that point? Is it reading my Bible or praying so many times a day? If I was really there wouldn't it just pour out of me like an unstoppable river? Why am I not there? My heart so desperately wants to be a woman who is only about God. Why do I have so many reservations that I fear man above God? How do I get there? God change me! Change my heart Oh God! Let me look more like you and less of me. Take this flesh from me and give me your spirit God. I cry to you that won't leave me like this that you will keep changing me into your bond servant.

~Becky~

Sing Hosanna

2010-01-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity
Hosanna by Hillsong

~Becky~

David

2010-01-02T20:51:00.000-08:00

It is amazing to me that even though King Saul pursued David and tried to kill him many times that when King Saul died David mourned his death. How many of us could say that we would mourn the death of our enemy? It is definitely not a human trait but only something that could be of God.

~Becky~

The Glory of God

2009-12-25T09:02:00.003-08:00

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Luke 8-12

I sit here at 9am waiting for the kids to wake up and I am just so blessed with this time to think about Christ. What was Mary thinking when she held that miracle of a baby in her arms, not knowing what would be the outcome of His death on a cross. How for thousands of years His name would still be called upon and praised. How He would be the soul source of comfort and peace to men. I often think of Mary and how much God must have valued her as a wife and mother to in trust her to HIS SON! She must have been about so much more than PTA meetings and soccer games.
So much gets lost during this hectic time. But CHRIST is why we even have a Christmas. Our family at this time has decided no to do Santa but to keep our focus on Christ. His Birth and Death. He really is the reason for the season and so often with the shopping and giving and cooking He is lost and the world exalted. I pray that my family could be a light in this time that we would remind people of why we give gifts and why during a time that could make people sad and depressed that we have HOPE! That Christ came as a little child by a holy birth, served the people and TRULY loved them, and then gave His life in a horrific death so all people might come to call him "papa daddy" "Abba father" to know Him personally and cry out to Him. My Christmas wish is that anyone reading this might know that. That my family and friends would know that. That the world would know that. Our God is more than a god at a computer zapping people but an ALMIGHT ALL POWERFUL AND ALL LOVING Father who is a father that would do anything for His children....even send His own son to the cross so that His other adopted children would be able to know Him and Love Him and choose to be with Him forever.

Merry CHRISTmas everyone!

~Becky~

2009-11-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

So today has been a crazy day. I have been in prayer most of the day praying for Kana a friend who lost her boy at 21 weeks. I have also been trying to get caught up on housework. Sarah has been in a "hold me mama" mood and Josh broke a pot FULL of carrot, zucchini curry soup which was a MESS to clean up. However behind my stove is now vacuumed out and cleaned. I am planing on making baked chicken thighs marinated with BBQ sauce, salad and biscuits. Neal gets home around 5 so I still have a few more hours before I need to hope to that.

This week is thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. God has always provided for me and my family. He gave me such a wonderful family and a husband who loves God. I really have nothing to complain about. My life at this moment is pretty perfect. I think the thing that I am most thankful for is for being a child of God. God turned my life around and used my sin to bring me to a place of repentance. I don't know how I could even go on in life if I didn't know Christ...If I didn't know that He loved me more than anyone and was always looking out for me. I don't even care if things in my life "go wrong" because I know that everything is for His glory and that no matter what it is God will see me through it.

This time of year is my favorite. I LOVE Christmas and can't wait to decorate the house and put the tree up. My favorite thing about Christmas are the live nativity scene and Christmas lights. I hope to have the house decorated the weekend after thanksgiving and our tree the first weekend in December. I love the carols and have already started listening to Christmas music. Well I should probably start on my last load of dishes.

2009-11-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

my beautiful daughter. She is such a joy to my life and our family. Being a mommy to 2 kids is such a wonderful thing. They brighten my day so much. I love coming home to my son's kisses and my daughter holding out her hands for me to hold her. They are beautiful peices of my soul.

2009-11-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

Life has been a bit crazy lately. I think it has a lot to do with me working and not being able to relax on my down time. I can't believe Sarah is 5 1//2 months, sitting up and starting to look like she wants to crawl. Josh had night terrors 2 nights this week. They are always heart breaking and last for an hour. Thankfully his 2nd one only lasted about 30 min. He has had a few night terrors in the past and they usually come in pairs or 3's, so it looks like we are (hopefully) done for a while. I can't wait till the weekend after thanksgiving, because I get to put up our Christmas stuff!! This is our first Christmas in our house! So I am really excited to decorate the mantel and figure out where we will put the tree. Also all the baking! Speaking of baking I have been cooking a lot lately because, well we have no extra money. I have been using my cookbooks and allrecipes.com I picked up an Amish cookbook at goodwill and the recipes are SO good...not too healthy but VERY good. I recently found out about Pioneer woman and have been going to her web site and want to get her new cookbook. I have really been enjoying cooking lately...hating the dishes though. I have been making pizza, dough and everything, at least once a week which has been a lot of fun. Neal and josh have been loving it too. I guess thats all for now

Winds of change

2009-09-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy and tired lately that this blog has been a work in progress for over 2 weeks or so...

I watched a sermon a couple days ago called Lukewarm and loving it. It has caused me to think about my walk and my heart. There are times I question my salvation, I think everyone does and I think it is something healthy. The Bible even instructs us to test our hearts and see where our motivation lies. When I think of where I am and where my salvation is, I always return to fruit. Jesus said that they will know us by our fruit. I ask myself do I see fruit, especially NEW fruit in my life? I know people often comment on my "quiet and gentle" spirit and I often look at that myself as to reassure myself of where I am at with Christ. However I tend to look only at that. I have posted before on how God has been slowly and steadily been revealing how truly wretched I am, how much pride I have and how desperately I need Him everyday. I tend to unfortunately think, "I'm a good person, I try to live a good life" but that isn't what Christ wants. Christ said that there is No one good except Him. He wants our heart, our thoughts and our lives. He wants us to lay EVERYTHING down before His thrown and say "its all yours, my money my kids, my husband, my vanity, everything, just take it" I continually lay my family down, before his throne. It is the only way my stress of "who is dead and laying in the ditch" mentality, can cope. To KNOW that nothing is going to come to harm my family unless appointed by God. A friend of mine has a statement he often says "God appoints man only one time to die, and until that time I am invisible" I think that we should be good stewards of our bodies and lives, but when things come that are out of our hands, all we can/should say is "let YOUR will be done" The sermon I watched had a lot to do with money and possessions. Where are we putting our trust? In our stocks and savings or in Christ and his provisions. I loved what this pastor said "money creates false sense of safety the more you have the more you feel like you have security and you don't find your security in God...." That is so true. Although I would like to not live hand to mouth, and I would love to not be a slave to our debt, God is providing for us even when the money should have ran out we still have this or that to get us by. During my maternity leave we did get into some big pickle but thankfully even in those God provided us help. We never lost our house, we never went without food (variety maybe but never empty bellies) My goal in life has never been to be rich. However, I have been pretty careless about spending. I am turning my mind to a new philosophy though. When I buy thing, they need to be second hand if possible or homemade. I think that thinking will push me in the direction of being thrifty. A friend of mine is contemplating giving all her possessions away to move and be a missionary. When she told me that my flesh screamed out, "what about your security" But I am reminded of the rich young ruler who Jesus told to sold all he had. The ruler couldn't and turned away and left. Jesus said it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle then for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. That is such a hard thing to swallow. Am I rich? In the US, NO. In regards to the world? Yes. Do I think everyone is called to give away all there things? no, Jesus spoke on matters of money often, however only a handful of time he told the person to give away all they had. the majority of the time was speaking of giving some of your money away and being good stewards of it. He never instructed people to dig a hole and put there money there for safe keeping or for a rainy day. I think it is righteous to be good stewards of what we have, not spending on things that will only go into a landfill in a year or when it goes out of style. Not giving into the latest and greatest things because tomorrow something else will be even better. I try to keep my mentality on "the olden days" and how my grandparents would have done things...but it is hard when the world around you is screaming at you to buy this or look here or wear this... Sometimes I wish I were just Amish. However God called us not to be like the Amish in how they have taken themselves out of the world. And not to give into the worlds temptations. He called us to be "in the world but not of it" Such a hard thing to do, but God said all things are possible with him. So this is my stance, and I will try to produce the fruit that will glorify Him and keep my heart in check on where my treasure lies, for I know I want my treasure to be in Christ.

How I have been feeling about my worship lately...

2009-08-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Heart of Worship by Michael W. Smith

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You Jesus

2009-07-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

2009-07-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

Mommy of 2

2009-07-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

I thought there would be a lot of difficulties when I becamea mommy of 2. People warned me that life with 2 would not be double the work, but quadruple. When I had Sarah I was so afraid to take the 2 out. I didn't know, and feared , what to do if Josh bolted on me. For a while I let that fear keep me home and isolated. However, starting out with baby steps, I have learned that the obstacles I thought would be problems, ended up being minor. I have learned how to put 2 kids under the age of 2 into the car at the same time, I have learned how to bounce back and forth between a toddlers needs and a baby's cries. I am SO busy now a days, I don't remember what I used to do with my time I had with just one. However, I think the biggest change for me is how much love I am now capable of.
Being single, I was incredibly selfish. Even married I was still selfish, but was learning to work through problems and overlook things that in the grand scheme of things didn't matter. When I had Josh my heart was "walking outside my body". My heart learned to break over skinned up knees and little tears. I had to learn to balance my life making sure my priorities were God, Neal, Josh. That was a very hard lesson to learn that I still struggle with daily. When I had Sarah, I think something truly amazing happened. My heart grew. I didn't know I could love anymore then I already did; but then it happened. My love for my family grew, my love for God grew, but even more amazing my love for others, has grown.
I grew a heart for new moms especially. I have a huge deisre to help them figure this mom thing out. I guess having gone through just 2 years of it, and knowing how tough it can be, makes me want to encourage other moms so much. Being a mom is SO rewarding and the payment of hugs, kisses and giggles is worth more then all the money in the world. I have 4 friends that just had babies, and I find myself praying for these women daily. I love being a wife and mother, they had been my hearts desire from when I was a youth, but to be in the middle of my life and able to sit back and look at it and say, "praise God! this is GOOD!" I couldn't have asked for a better life, I couldn't have asked for a better husband or kids. The path that God put me on to get me here, was truly divine. Although I did stray off it, God still saw me to this point. My life is truly abundantly joyful!

Little Sarah

2009-07-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't wrote my birth story down yet, so I think I might do it now. I should be short and sweet.

We woke up after not much sleep at 4:30am. We had the car packed for the most part the night before, just a few things to finish packing. We arrived at Mad River Hospital right around 5am. Just in time for blood draws and admission paperwork. My doctor arrived in my room at 7am to talk to me about my c-section and answer any last questions. Right before 8am my surgery team wheeled me into the recovery room, where I met my anesthesiologist and nursing team. My favorite OB nurse, Joann would be our baby nurse in the OR. I was prepped in the OR room and my spinal was administered. It went much easier then my epidural with Josh. I did get sick but after some anti-nausea meds I was doing much better and my nerves were at ease. At 8:32am Sarah was delivered which Neal was able to stand up and watch. My OB pulled the drape down so I could see her right after she came out. She cried and cried, which I think is one of the sweetest sounds in the world. Neal went over to the warmer and watched her get stimulated and dried off. Neal held her right by my face so I could look at her and kiss her. Neal followed Sarah and Joann back to OB while I was being closed up. I spent the next 30 or so minutes dreaming and longing to be with my daughter, which I think is the hardest part of a C-section. When I came back to the room I was given Sarah by Neal, and immediately tried breastfeeding. I had a bunch of help with breastfeeding by my wonderful lactation consultant who helped me SO much with Josh and Josh's old speech therapist was there too. between all of us we got one good latch and Sarah was a pro afterwards. My first thought of Sarah was that she looked just like Josh, and that God had blessed us again.

Sarah is my little princess she is the sweetest little girl, who I am so excited to see her grow and become a woman. I pray I can be a great influence on her, and help her learn to love herself like God loves her.

2009-06-10T13:44:00.001-07:00

getting ready

2009-06-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

Well the countdown is coming to a close quick. I have 4 days until my c-section. Our bags are packed and in the car (just in case my dream of a VBAC does happen) Sarah's car seat is in, all baby cribs/co-sleepers are up and ready. Now we just wait. I had a LOT of anxiety towards this C, so much so one night I had to take a bath to try to calm myself down because I was about to pass out. I almost drove to the birth center because I was worried I was causing myself high blood pressure. The next day I was able to talk to my mom-in-law who herself has had 2 VBACs and has counseled women about their choices back in the 70's. I had a list in my head of people I wanted to talk to about my scheduled C and she was one of them. She helped calm me down and my fears. That night I felt God take away my fears and I had a ton of peace related to my C. I could hear him ask me if I trusted him that he could give me a VBAC before the day of my C. (I had been debating whether I should postpone my C-section until around the 17th) Although I don't feel like a VBAC is God's will for me, I trust Him that He knows how my birth should be regardless how I want it to be. The next day I had my non-stress test (I have to do these 2 times a week) and I had a nurse who is usually doing labors instead of outpatient. She was one of the other people I wanted to talk to about this. She confirmed for me what my OB, and I had been thinking. That my pelvis is small and that this baby should have dropped at least a little by now, but hasn't. She was very kind and listened to me and encouraged me to talk to my OB, but also told me what she has seen which I needed to hear. So on Friday, I will talk to my OB, hash out the rest of my birth plans, and wait till Monday to have my little girl. It is amazing because just 3 days ago my stress level was through the roof, and now, I have so much peace I am not nervous about anything really....well maybe getting my house cleaned before surgery but Neal is helping me with that.

my life from the couch

2009-05-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

So I think the biggest lesson I am learning from being on bed rest is letting go. Letting go to my personal expectation of how my house should be ran. Letting Neal actually lead, and seeing how much success he is having! I was thinking that Neal would get burnt out quickly with all this, since he has a very hard time with me being sick; partly because I don't allow him to take care of me. But I am happy to report that he is proving to be a great care taker. I am also having to let go in other ways, Seeing my bathroom need to be cleaned, and just letting it go for right now. Having people over to help us, and not being able to entertain, or have an imaculate house, but just letting it go. Not being able to go for a walk, or be up for long periods of time, not being able to do and go to the things that are a part of my life, but just letting it go for now. well I need to make this blog short since Neal has dinner ready.

surprise!!

2009-05-10T21:44:00.001-07:00

So today is mothers day. We went to church and then at 2:30 we went to Grandma's (Neal's Grandma's) surprise mothers day get together with the family. My mom-in-law had set it up about a week ago and everyone was in on it. When Neal, Josh and I knocked on the door, we were greeted with "SURPRISE! ITS YOUR BABY SHOWER" I was so shocked and surprised (this was my first surprise party ever) it was great. Neal was then asked to leave...ok he was majorly kicked out because he wanted to stay and was kind of sad he wasn't allowed to, but it was girls only. We played 2 games, name the baby animal and guess what type of baby food was in the jar (which I won!!!) Then on to a yummy ice cream cake, and gifts. I received all sorts of clothes in all sizes which was wonderful since I didn't need too much newborn or 0-3 clothes. A baby gate, some money, bibs, towels, and a little baby doll. It was a really wonderful time and I am still in shock since my mom-in-law had told me that they weren't going to do my baby shower until after the baby was born. I definitely feel very prepared for Sarah Grace to make her arrival. I am 35 weeks 3 days, so pretty much due anytime. I am not really feeling like I am having any real activity. I have an OB apt. beginning next week so that should be interesting since he said he wants to start stripping my membranes (which I think I will wait one more week for) Anyways that was my mom's day...it was a lot of fun!

Test my heart O Lord

2009-05-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am struggling tonight. I have been convicted by a man, but I believe he was a tool used by the Holy Spirit. I have been revealed in my heart how ugly I am and how much sin I have been leaving untouched. I often times tend to look at others sins and point it out...not meaning to be "oh look at you and your issues" but as trying to help...I guess. The danger is I am not dealing with my own sin. The Lord says for us to take the plank out of our own eyes before we try to remove the speck out of our brothers. I have sinned in this way. I unknowingly have allowed myself to become "perfect" in my own eyes, and turning a blind eye to the black within my heart. God is dealing with me, in a very hard way, using someone who I don't know, have been told is a brother...who when he speaks sounds like a brother however is harsh in his tone. It doesn't feel like it comes from love, but from condemnation...however when I am in his presence and he speaks to me, I can hear Jesus's harsh words to the Pharisees " You scribes and Pharisees, You hypocrite" I get so caught up in other peoples kind words about me that because of it, I have forgotten that I am a huge sinner still. And although, by God's grace, He has lead me out of my darkest of darkness and willfully sinning....I still sin, and I am still in desperate need of His grace and mercy. I don't know what exactly to do with all of this, because I do feel condemnation towards myself, and the Word says that there is no condemnation in Christ. So I am having a hard time deciphering what is from God and what is from sinful man. It was so strange that he could know what I was thinking, even though I denied it....again I sinned because I was hiding my true person and feelings. He has aroused other minor issues I have, like my insecurities and inability to open up to men because of my past history. but I feel the issue of looking at others sins instead of my own is a much huger issue at this point. Pastor Derk did a sermon last week about how people can become "anorexic Christians". Where they ignore their hunger and thirst for God that overtime they don't feel that hunger or thirst anymore. Their "worship" becomes mundane, and routine. There is no life within them, but they become a shell of a Christian. I can see that in my life. I hear God say, turn that off and read My Word, stop doing that and speak with Me and yet I choose to ignore Him most of the time. I have gotten so used to ignoring him, that I guess this is now my kick in the pants and he is discipline me with such a sorrowful heart. There was a time earlier this year where I was in the Word daily and I was learning and hearing SO much. Then I stopped...and God stopped speaking so clearly, and loudly. I need to get back to that place of daily being in the presence of God. Another Brother posted a comment on facebook that has been in my mind since I read it. It went something like this, "If you deal with things of this world 90% of your day and only spend time with God 10% of your day, is it any wonder that the things of this world are so much more real?" I have GOT to start discipline myself and keeping myself in His Word and not so much in this world. I know God is in me, and I am bearing fruit...but how evident is the fruit in my life...I am feeling stagnant. I am feeling fake. I need to be with God and begin to have true worship instead of just singing songs.

3rd Trimester

2009-04-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am exausted today. I got a little less then 8 hours of sleep and I drank 1 cup of coffee, and I am still barly able to keep my eyes open. Joshy is napping right now and so should I, but all I can think about is all the housework I NEED to do, and having no energy to do it. If I had the energy I would do my dishes, vaccum the house, mop the kitchen and dust. Flylady says you can do anything in 15 min at a time, but I am just too tired for 15 min. I did my yoga class yesterday and felt good, but today my upper back is hurting me, showing me that I am more out of shape this pregnancy then with Josh. I keep thinking that I need to pull our car seat for Sarah out so I can put it back together after washing it...but it is SO deep in the closet the thought of bending over that long makes me breathless. I need to ask Neal to do it, but he has been so busy and a bit stressed out with work that I don't want to bug him until after his work week, which is tomorrow. I know everything will come together, but I just look around and I still have a stack of boxes, a pile of pictures and a dirty house....and around 7 weeks to get everything done before the potential of Sarah's arrival. We have decided not to have a baby shower until after Sarah's birth but I keep thinking of the things I want to have before she is here so I can set things up (mostly a diaper stacker for her, since Josh is still using his) I keep looking for one for cheap but can't find one yet, only one for like $25 and we don't have that kind of extra money around.
One thing that is nice is Neal mowed and weed wacked the lawn yesterday and it looks really nice..we still need to plant seed since we have "bald spots" in our lawn from when our landlords fixed the sewer line and had construction workers here. Neal made us lunch the other day and had us have a little picnic on our front porch, and it was SO nice. we just sat and talked and watched the people walk by. I am really enjoying these little nooks of our place. Neal really misses his shed he built at our last place and says he doesn't feel like he has any area that is his...I really hope I can figure something out...but the thought of having a bow flex in our bedroom just doesn't sound enjoyable to me. Maybe my heart needs to change on this. Josh was into potty training for 3 days and now has very little interest...I figured that would happen but I was kind of hopeful to get him out of diapers before Sarah came...now I am just hopeful that we can get him to start going to sleep in his own bed...he is still good about sleeping in it when he is already asleep, but he can't fall asleep in his big boy bed yet. I know all of this will work out and I keep reminding myself I shouldn't worry about the things I can't control. I hope I can just start relaxing more until Sarah is here.

Death

2009-04-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why, but God has been touching my heart about death. It started a few days ago when I had a dream that Josh was hit by a car and died, that next night we watched a movie that had an almost identical scene as my dream that showed a little boy who was ran over and died. Today, we just heard that a brother in Christ, that I didn't know well but am friends with the family, was crossing the street in Eureka and was hit by a car and has now gone to be with the Lord. It is so odd that very similar circumstances have been in my mind for the past 3 days in a row. It is odd, and I am not sure why God is in a way possibly preparing me for tragedy, or maybe just showing me death, and trying to get my attention not about death as the world sees it, as loss, but as He sees it as completion, that He is reuniting with the children He loves. Because of me being pregnant, and the complications that could arise from my high risk birth, I often find myself considering my own death if God wills, or the death of my daughter. I am not sure what to make of it all, since I believe these thoughts are from God since they produce no fear in me, but joy in the midst of sorrow if you can understand that. anyways that's what I have been thinking of lately.

Disability

2009-03-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today at my Dr's apt. He has agreed to place me on maternity disability due to my pelvic pain that occurs especially after I work. I am happy and nervous to be disability simply because of money and the uncertainty of the government. However I am happy to finally have the time to concentrate on my pregnancy and be able to participate in my prenatal water class and yoga. I am also happy to have time to get my house ready for the baby. I know that everything will work out and that I don't need to worry about a thing...so I will focus on that.

Training wheels

2009-03-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have thought for a while now about doing a blog, but have always felt that I wouldn't be able to keep up, find the time, or felt it might become a waste of time due to no one reading. Well, with the encouragement of a friend, here I finally am. Getting rid of MySpace has helped since Facebook doesn't have a Blog area. I hope if nothing else my family and friends might be able to gain a bit of insight into who I am and what is going on with my family. Living so far away from my family I am always interested in finding ways to stay connected since I am not a phone person. I actually hate the phone because I am a lip reader, so I find the phone difficult to keep my mind on topic. So here it is, my first post of hopefully many.