So I have been in recovery since 2010, and if I wanted, I probably could push this date back even further to about 2008 when I left seminary to come home for help or even 2004 when I first began to reach out to various counselors and church leaders. And if I really wanted to deceive myself, I could push it back to around 2000 when I was dealing with my porn problem with the Dean of Men at my Christian Bible College. However, the fact is that I have only been in recovery since 2010. The rest of it was me standing divided wanting to be free but also wanting pornography. However, I never wanted to be free so badly that I would forsake my high place.

So what happened? I don’t know. I really don’t. Something happened. When I trace back, all I can see that could mark the beginnings was a counseling appointment that I went to with my wife. She is in a group therapy and has to meet with her counselor periodically and this meeting was the 2nd time we met as a couple. So it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary though I was convinced that this session was going to be a beat down on me. Nervous. Cautious. I went anyways with a good heart.

I don’t really remember the meeting. I don’t recall any profound statement. My only takeaway was that I was doing nothing to make recompense to my wife for everything that I have done andthat I needed to do work aroundthat. So whenever I offend my wife doing whatever whether porn or something else, it was up to me to do the work of reconciliation and investigation. Simply, it was up to me to restore the relationship whereas in the past my wife would over-function and do all the work for herself and for me.

Then I went to Bethesda Workshops and had a challenging, exhausting, reviving, and exciting weekend of recovery. I remember the first day quite well, and we did what they called Continuums where there was a line that went from wall to wall in the room and they asked several questions about where you were in your recovery. I remember being extremely honest standing in the middle for my waivering or 3/4 positive. Later, another guy who I thought wasn’t going to make it revealed to me that he thought I wasn’t going to make it! How ironic.

Having returned from Bethesda, things continue to come together in my head faster than I can process, faster than I can record. I don’t know what it is except that I am doing the work whatever that is at the time. While I haven’t began the 12 step process within SAA or SA yet, I am doing lots of work at Bethesda, at group therapy, and within Carnes’s Facing the Shadow, a book that I cannot recommend enough!!

So simply, I just now have committed myself to good, solid recovery. Nervous. Cautious. Yet moving forward…

Related posts:

1. Celebrate Recovery
2. A Porn/Sex Addiction Recovery Plan with Guaranteed Results
3. My First Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting

I was recently at a workshop where they were giving a ton of statistics. While I wasn’t able to write them all down and everything, I got the emphasis of the statistics. According to Patrick Carnes’s research, someone basically has a 90%¹ chance of a full, long-lasting recovery if the following elements are in place:

1. A minimum of three 12 step meetings (S.A., S.A.A., S.L.A.A., R.C.A., S.C.A., S.R.A.) with Celebrate Recovery that has a purity group (or Samson Society, or Pure Desire Group or Faithful & True Groups) being a 4th meeting for a minimum of 2 years. However, mere attendance does not count. For this to count, the person must be meeting with a sponsor weekly (sometimes contacting them daily) with daily phone calls to others in the group. If in Celebrate Recovery this would mean doing a Step Study Group on top of the weekly meetings.
2. Weekly meetings with a CSAT or some other certified addictions therapist for a minimum of 2 years. Typically this means digging into your own life further from insights gained from (1) group therapy, (2) group therapy assignments, (3) going through the 12 steps (including the 12 step meetings), and (4) life as it happens while on the journey of recovery. Find a therapist here.
3. Weekly group therapy meetings for a minimum of 2 years. This typically combined with the weekly therapy group as it is usually a bad idea to have two therapists (one for therapy and one for individual), and typically the group will go through a book either Laaser’s L.I.F.E. workbook or Carnes’s Facing the Shadow workbook (there are others out there but these are the two Sexual Addiction leaders).

So, typically, this means about 10 hours of work per week that needs to be done, and I am discovering this is the bare minimum. As I am creating my recovery plan, I notice that for men there are other elements that must be included such as exercise/working out (30 minutes a day), spiritual disciplines (30-60 minutes/day), and adequate sleeping patterns (7-8 hours/day). So in essence it is a complete life change and transition. My wife and I were chatting about this the other day, and she said to me (referring to something that her therapist said when her therapist equated much of their recovery plan with the spiritual disciplines) that if we observe people we admire, we will notice that those who are healthy already do much of the 12 steps in the form of spiritual disciplines.

So, when a therapist or counselor repeats what Patrick Carnes says about sexual addiction recovery that it is “a 3-5 year process,” don’t be surprised and don’t change therapists as you may be tempted to do. Seriously, they are not looking to make a long term financial making plan with us. Instead, this type of honesty is essential and if they wanted to make money with us addicts they wouldn’t tell us. Then this would create repeat customers (per se) for a much longer period of time.

While at Bethesda Workshops, I heard two really profound yet simple stories. One was in response to a question similar to “Why does it take so long?” The therapist simply said, “How long did it take for you to get where you are?” And then he continued, “Recovery won’t take as long as it should or as long as it took for you to get where you are, but it will be longer than you expect.” The second one is also just as profound in our microwave, quick fix it society. The guy went into see his CSAT therapist regarding his sex addiction. He sat down and began to tell how his sex addiction began. Then the therapist asked, “Tell me about your dad.” The addict confused yet persistent replied with more of his sex addiction beginnings. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict frustrated continued to discuss his sex addiction in present times. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict becoming angry and thinking that he is wasting his time began describing his current consequences. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Then the addict extremely frustrated and angry demanded that they talk about his sex addiction. And the therapist said, “We are. What is it that you want?” Then the addict began describing his despair in such sorrow. Then the therapist having listened, asked, “Tell me about your dad.” Finally in exasperation, the addict said angrily, “No! I am here to talk about my sex addiction—not my dad!” The therapist said, “What do you think I am trying to do? You want to talk about the behavior, and I am trying to talk about your addiction.” Full sex addiction therapy will investigate family of origin issues, trauma/impactful life events, and one’s belief system and thinking—not just the behavior.

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1. I am still trying to validate this statistic. However, I was able to validate something of the reverse. Carnes unofficially reported that people that went through treatment at the meadows and who were successfully following their aftercare plan, relapse rate was only 3 percent!

Related posts:

1. My Recent Visits to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Pt 2
2. My First Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting
3. The Addiction Cycle for Pornography or Sex Addiction

Logos Bible Software is giving away thousands of dollars of prizes to celebrate the launch of Logos Bible Software 4 Mac on October 1. Prizes include an iMac, a MacBook Pro, an iPad, an iPod Touch, and more than 100 other prizes!

They’re also having a special limited-time sale on their Mac and PC base packages and upgrades. Check it out!

No related posts.

Recently, I came across a couple websites (Justin Taylor’s Blog on Porndemic <-Love the Title & Sam Isaacson) that had some additional resources while I haven’t read many of them, I wanted to share them with you.

• R. Albert Mohler Jr., “The Seduction of Pornography and the Integrity of Christian Marriage” (talk to college students: PDF, MP3)
• David Powlison, “Breaking Pornography Addiction” (article: part 1, part 2)
• David Powlison, Making All Things New: Restoring Pure Joy to the Sexually Broken (conference talk: audio, video, and chapter)
• John Piper, Battling the Unbelief of Lust (sermon in manuscript, audio)
• John Piper, A.N.T.H.E.M: Strategies for Fighting Sexual Lust (article)
• Mark Driscoll, Porn-Again Christian (free eBook)
• Tim Challies, Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Single Guy (free eBook)
• Tim Challies, Sexual Detox: A Guide for the Married Guy (free eBook)
• Rick Holland, A Biblical Strategy for Fighting Lust (conference talk; see related manuscript)
• Thabiti Anyabwile on gypsy moths which is an overview of SalvoMag’s article Slave Master by Donald Hilton
• Other Articles on Salvo Magazine’s Site include Blindsided Kids and Porn in the USA

Related posts:

1. Resources
2. Romans 6 Series: Part 6, What about Dying to Sin?

So for some reason, I am a little irritable today. At work I work on a floor with tons of cubicles. The good thing is that mine is in the corner near the windows (though I don’t have a window view). However, there is a new table there (a former small conference room table), so people come over during the day and sit there usually without disturbing me. However sometimes, people use that area to talk on their cell phones to whomever. And the company I work for has a lot of older people so they are all “yelling” at the phone while talking on it.

Then I have the area printer beside me, but only three of us use that printer: my boss, my colleague, and myself. My colleague and I have very little printing except when our boss wants us to print some things off for him. However, he on a daily basis will printer reams of paper. He prints every email he receives (and sends for that matter!). He prints every attachment, and when working on a PowerPoint, he prints it out three or four times in a morning or afternoon. It’s not bad except that it is right behind me and drives me nuts. Furthermore, I do some recording for various reasons whether it is web conferencing, podcasting, or whatever (which I use a port-a-booth which allows me to talk at a normal level and get great recordings). So whenever there is printing, I cannot record. So I could go days without recording just praying for my boss to be out of the office if only for a couple of hours.

Then my colleague is an older gentleman and after lunch almost every day, he comes back and smacks his lips as if he is trying to suck something out from between his teeth. It’s over and over again and no level of headphones or music can stop my ears from hearing that sound. Trust me, I’ve tried it! Sometimes it gets so bad, that I just go to the bathroom, take a ride on the elevators, walk to my car and back, or something just to get away.

So today, all three of these were happening at the same time this morning! I just wanted to stand up and yell to the guy on the cell phone to SHUT UP, then turn off the printer so my boss couldn’t print anything else (went through 2 reams this morning!), and then dump a bucket of water on my colleague. Instead, I went to YouTube and watched Brian Regan. He actually made me laugh so hard that I was crying and had to stop listening. Especially funny were his talks on UPS (probably because I worked for them) and Food. You can watch the entire stand up routine by starting here. Sometimes you just need to laugh.

UPS

Food and Labels

Phones and Cords

Visiting the Doctor

Others I liked included:

Emergency Room

Refrigerator

Eye Doctor

Flying

Names

Are You Dating Anyone?

Related posts:

1. Pet Peeves
2. Porn @ Work

It’s been 2 days since I last looked at pornography. I am sitting here….laying down actually…trying not to close my eyes because every time I do I see an inappropriate image. So I open my eyes exhausted and tired yet unable to go to sleep.

So I get up & read. The chapter was great & insightful. It was a page turner & I want to read more but I’m exhausted. So I go back to bed to sleep. And the same thing happens again. And again. Pornographic image after image. Glimpses yet enough to get preoccupied thinking, “I could call someone but who’s going to answer at 2am? No. I could wake my wife up but she’s got the kids all day with an extremely busy day tomorrow plus she didn’t sleep last night because we were in a huge fight and I ended it like the good husband should (sarcasm). No.” So the battle begins. I think, “I could just masturbate and it will all stop and I could easily go to sleep after all men fall asleep after sex.” No. I can’t do that. That’s breaking sobriety too, even with SA (no sex with self). I am keenly aware of my desire to masturbate.

So then I begin trying to force myself what did I learn today. I learned 2 key truths: (1) To become free, I must first realize how bad my pornography addiction was and how bad it is, and (2) Spiritual health and emotional health are inseparable, something I started realizing this past year or two, but was confirmed in this book I’m reading. Yet neither truth helps me and then I recall one book saying that in order to know how bad something is that I need to “think through the drink” as they say in the Big Book for AA. So I began thinking through the masturbation only to think about how much more I wanted it, only to think that the grass is greener on the other side even though I’ve been there numerous times and realize that it’s not. Now having typed this out on my phone, I am exhausted. I’m going to try to go to bed again…

—–

UPDATE: I was able to go to sleep successfully without masturbating or fantasizing or anything. Sober night.

Related posts:

1. Cost #3: Loss of sleep
2. #3: Loss of sleep
3. Is the church capable of helping those who struggle with pornography?

Failure for a pornography addict is to be expected, but it’s what you do after that failure that matters. In light of my many continuous failures, I decided to look around and think about failures in a positive manner.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote: “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail” (which I have also seen attributed to Confucious). Samuel Beckett once said, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” Robert F. Kennedy once said, “Only those who dare to fail greatly can achieve greatly.”

It seems to me that the more and more I fail, the harder and harder it is to get back up. However, it is encouraging to look at the failures of successful people. That’s why I take some pathetic comfort in the failings of Israel or the 12 Apostles, especially. I also love to hear stories of great people who accomplished great things and hear of their failures. This is also the vision of this blog. One day, I hope to be one of the success stories of someone who has conquered my addiction, and I want people to see my blog and see my failures and take comfort, whatever that means.

Here are some stories of some failures of some successful people (from Emory).

• As a young man, Abraham Lincoln went to war a captain and returned a private. Afterwards, he was a failure as a businessman. As a lawyer in Springfield, he was too impractical and temperamental to be a success. He turned to politics and was defeated in his first try for the legislature, again defeated in his first attempt to be nominated for congress, defeated in his application to be commissioner of the General Land Office, defeated in the senatorial election of 1854, defeated in his efforts for the vice-presidency in 1856, and defeated in the senatorial election of 1858. At about that time, he wrote in a letter to a friend, “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth.”
• Winston Churchill failed sixth grade. He was subsequently defeated in every election for public office until he became Prime Minister at the age of 62. He later wrote, “Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never, Never, Never, Never give up.” (his capitals, mind you)
• Socrates was called “an immoral corrupter of youth” and continued to corrupt even after a sentence of death was imposed on him. He drank the hemlock and died corrupting.
• Sigmund Freud was booed from the podium when he first presented his ideas to the scientific community of Europe. He returned to his office and kept on writing.
• Robert Sternberg received a C in his first college introductory-psychology class. His teacher commented that “there was a famous Sternberg in psychology and it was obvious there would not be another.” Three years later Sternberg graduated with honors from Stanford University with exceptional distinction in psychology, summa cum laude, and Phi Beta Kappa. In 2002, he became President of the American Psychological Association.
• Charles Darwin gave up a medical career and was told by his father, “You care for nothing but shooting, dogs and rat catching.” In his autobiography, Darwin wrote, “I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect.” Clearly, he evolved.
• Thomas Edison’s teachers said he was “too stupid to learn anything.” He was fired from his first two jobs for being “non-productive.” As an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, “How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?” Edison replied, “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”
• Albert Einstein did not speak until he was 4-years-old and did not read until he was 7. His parents thought he was “sub-normal,” and one of his teachers described him as “mentally slow, unsociable, and adrift forever in foolish dreams.” He was expelled from school and was refused admittance to the Zurich Polytechnic School. He did eventually learn to speak and read. Even to do a little math.
• Louis Pasteur was only a mediocre pupil in undergraduate studies and ranked 15th out of 22 students in chemistry.
• Henry Ford failed and went broke five times before he succeeded.
• R. H. Macy failed seven times before his store in New York City caught on.
• F. W. Woolworth was not allowed to wait on customers when he worked in a dry goods store because, his boss said, “he didn’t have enough sense.”
• When Bell telephone was struggling to get started, its owners offered all their rights to Western Union for $100,000. The offer was disdainfully rejected with the pronouncement, “What use could this company make of an electrical toy.”
• John Garcia, who eventually was honored for his fundamental psychological discoveries, was once told by a reviewer of his often-rejected manuscripts that one is no more likely to find the phenomenon he discovered than to find bird droppings in a cuckoo clock. (sort of a cute critique actually)
• Rocket scientist Robert Goddard found his ideas bitterly rejected by his scientific peers on the grounds that rocket propulsion would not work in the rarefied atmosphere of outer space.
• Daniel Boone was once asked by a reporter if he had ever been lost in the wilderness. Boone thought for a moment and replied, “No, but I was once bewildered for about three days.”
• An expert said of Vince Lombardi: “He possesses minimal football knowledge and lacks motivation.” Lombardi would later write, “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.”
• Michael Jordan and Bob Cousy were each cut from their high school basketball teams. Jordan once observed, “I’ve failed over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed.”
• Babe Ruth is famous for his past home run record, but for decades he also held the record for strikeouts. He hit 714 home runs and struck out 1,330 times in his career (about which he said, “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.”). And didn’t Mark McGwire break that strikeout record? (John Wooden once explained that winners make the most errors.)
• Hank Aaron went 0 for 5 his first time at bat with the Milwakee Braves.
• Stan Smith was rejected as a ball boy for a Davis Cup tennis match because he was “too awkward and clumsy.” He went on to clumsily win Wimbledon and the U. S. Open. And eight Davis Cups.
• Tom Landry, Chuck Noll, Bill Walsh, and Jimmy Johnson accounted for 11 of the 19 Super Bowl victories from 1974 to 1993. They also share the distinction of having the worst records of first-season head coaches in NFL history – they didn’t win a single game.
• Johnny Unitas’s first pass in the NFL was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. Joe Montana’s first pass was also intercepted. And while we’re on quarterbacks, during his first season Troy Aikman threw twice as many interceptions (18) as touchdowns (9) . . . oh, and he didn’t win a single game. You think there’s a lesson here?
• After Carl Lewis won the gold medal for the long jump in the 1996 Olympic games, he was asked to what he attributed his longevity, having competed for almost 20 years. He said, “Remembering that you have both wins and losses along the way. I don’t take either one too seriously.”
• Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.” He went bankrupt several times before he built Disneyland. In fact, the proposed park was rejected by the city of Anaheim on the grounds that it would only attract riffraff.
• Charles Schultz had every cartoon he submitted rejected by his high school yearbook staff. Oh, and Walt Disney wouldn’t hire him.
• After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, the memo from the testing director of MGM, dated 1933, read, “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.” He kept that memo over the fire place in his Beverly Hills home. Astaire once observed that “when you’re experimenting, you have to try so many things before you choose what you want, that you may go days getting nothing but exhaustion.” And here is the reward for perseverance: “The higher up you go, the more mistakes you are allowed. Right at the top, if you make enough of them, it’s considered to be your style.”
• After his first audition, Sidney Poitier was told by the casting director, “Why don’t you stop wasting people’s time and go out and become a dishwasher or something?” It was at that moment, recalls Poitier, that he decided to devote his life to acting.
• When Lucille Ball began studying to be actress in 1927, she was told by the head instructor of the John Murray Anderson Drama School, “Try any other profession.”
• The first time Jerry Seinfeld walked on-stage at a comedy club as a professional comic, he looked out at the audience, froze, and forgot the English language. He stumbled through “a minute-and a half” of material and was jeered offstage. He returned the following night and closed his set to wild applause.
• In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency, told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, “You’d better learn secretarial work or else get married.” I’m sure you know that Norma Jean was Marilyn Monroe. Now . . . who was Emmeline Snively?
• At the age of 21, French acting legend Jeanne Moreau was told by a casting director that her head was too crooked, she wasn’t beautiful enough, and she wasn’t photogenic enough to make it in films. She took a deep breath and said to herself, “Alright, then, I guess I will have to make it my own way.” After making nearly 100 films her own way, in 1997 she received the European Film Academy Lifetime Achievement Award.
• After Harrison Ford’s first performance as a hotel bellhop in the film Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round, the studio vice-president called him in to his office. “Sit down kid,” the studio head said, “I want to tell you a story. The first time Tony Curtis was ever in a movie he delivered a bag of groceries. We took one look at him and knew he was a movie star.” Ford replied, “I thought you were spossed to think that he was a grocery delivery boy.” The vice president dismissed Ford with “You ain’t got it kid , you ain’t got it … now get out of here.”
• Michael Caine’s headmaster told him, “You will be a laborer all your life.”
• Charlie Chaplin was initially rejected by Hollywood studio chiefs because his pantomime was considered “nonsense.”
• Enrico Caruso’s music teacher said he had no voice at all and could not sing. His parents wanted him to become an engineer.
• Decca Records turned down a recording contract with the Beatles with the unprophetic evaluation, “We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on their way out.” After Decca rejected the Beatles, Columbia records followed suit.
• In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired Elvis Presley after one performance. He told Presley, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin’ a truck.”
• Beethoven handled the violin awkwardly and preferred playing his own compositions instead of improving his technique. His teacher called him “hopeless as a composer.” And, of course, you know that he wrote five of his greatest symphonies while completely deaf.
• The Impressionists had to arrange their own art exhibitions because their works were routinely rejected by the Paris Salon. How many of you have heard of the Paris Salon?
• A Paris art dealer refused Picasso shelter when he asked if he could bring in his paintings from out of the rain. One hopes that there is justice in this world and that the art dealer eventually went broke.
• Van Gogh sold only one painting during his life. And this to the sister of one of his friends for 400 francs (approximately $50). This didn’t stop him from completing over 800 paintings.
• John Constable’s luminous painting Watermeadows at Salisbury was dismissed in 1830 by a judge at the Royal Academy as “a nasty green thing.” Name of the judge, anyone? Anyone?
• Rodin’s father once said, “I have an idiot for a son.” Described as the worst pupil in the school, he was rejected three times admittance to the Ecole des Beaux-Arts. His uncle called him uneducable. Perhaps this gave him food for thought.
• Stravinsky was run out of town by an enraged audience and critics after the first performance of the Rite of Spring.
• When Pablo Casals reached 95, a young reporter asked him “Mr. Casals, you are 95 and the greatest cellist that ever lived. Why do you still practice six hours a day?” Mr. Casals answered, “Because I think I’m making progress.”
• Leo Tolstoy flunked out of college. He was described as both “unable and unwilling to learn.” No doubt a slow developer.
• Louisa May Alcott, author of Little Women, was encouraged to find work as a servant by her family.
• Emily Dickinson had only seven poems published in her lifetime.
• 15 publishers rejected a manuscript by E. E. Cummings. When he finally got it published by his mother, the dedication, printed in uppercase letters, read WITH NO THANKS TO . . . followed by the list of publishers who had rejected his prized offering. Nice going Eddie. Thanks for illustrating that nobody loses all the time.
• 18 publishers turned down Richard Bach’s story about a “soaring eagle.” Macmillan finally published Jonathan Livingston Seagull in 1970. By 1975 it had sold more than 7 million copies in the U.S. alone.
• 21 publishers rejected Richard Hooker’s humorous war novel, M*A*S*H. He had worked on it for seven years.
• 22 publishers rejected James Joyce’s The Dubliners.
• 27 publishers rejected Dr. Seuss’s first book, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.
• Jack London received six hundred rejection slips before he sold his first story.
• English crime novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips before he published 564 books.
• William Saroyan accumulated more than a thousand rejections before he had his first literary piece published. Way to not take a hint, Bill!
• Gertrude Stein submitted poems to editors for nearly 20 years before one was finally accepted. See . . . a rose is a rose.
• I bet you didn’t know that John Milton wrote Paradise Lost 16 years after losing his eyesight
• One of Professor Pajares’s first research efforts came back with a review that began, “There are so many things I don’t like about this article I just don’t know where to begin.”
• There is a professor at MIT who offers a course on failure. He does that, he says, because failure is a far more common experience than success. An interviewer once asked him if anybody ever failed the course on failure. He thought a moment and replied, “No, but there were two Incompletes.”
• Let’s end with Woody Allen: “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
• However, I would be remiss if I didn’t add to Emory’s list about J. K. Rolling. With her Harry Potter series, it was rejected 12 times before it was accepted!

Related posts:

1. My Recent Visits to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, Pt 1
2. Is the church capable of helping those who struggle with pornography?

Clement writes,

Let us consider that wonderful sign [of the resurrection] which takes place in Eastern lands, that is, in Arabia and the countries round about. There is a certain bird which is called a phœnix. This is the only one of its kind, and lives five hundred years. And when the time of its dissolution draws near that it must die, it builds itself a nest of frankincense, and myrrh, and other spices, into which, when the time is fulfilled, it enters and dies. But as the flesh decays a certain kind of worm is produced, which, being nourished by the juices of the dead bird, brings forth feathers. Then, when it has acquired strength, it takes up that nest in which are the bones of its parent, and bearing these it passes from the land of Arabia into Egypt, to the city called Heliopolis. And, in open day, flying in the sight of all men, it places them on the altar of the sun, and having done this, hastens back to its former abode. The priests then inspect the registers of the dates, and find that it has returned exactly as the five hundredth year was completed (1 Clement 25; note: This fable respecting the phœnix is mentioned by Herodotus (ii. 73) and by Pliny (Nat. Hist., x. 2.) and is used as above by Tertullian (De Resurr., §13) and by others of the Fathers).

The Roman Poet Ovid also has a strikingly parallel account:

Most beings spring from other individuals; but there is a certain kind which reproduces itself. The Assyrians call it the Phoenix. It does not live on fruit or flowers, but on frankincense and odoriferous gums. When it has lived five hundred years, it builds itself a nest in the branches of an oak, or on the top of a palm tree. In this it collects cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh, and of these materials builds a pile on which it deposits itself, and dying, breathes out its last breath amidst odors. From the body of the parent bird, a young Phoenix issues forth, destined to live as long a life as its predecessor. When this has grown up and gained sufficient strength, it lifts its nest from the tree (its own cradle and its parent’s sepulchre), and carries it to the city of Heliopolis in Egypt, and deposits it in the temple of the Sun.

Christian authors typically refer to the Pheonix as a symbol of the resurrection and the resurrected life (cf. Psalm 92:12 and Job 29:18). And in all traditions the story of the Phoenix symbolizes rebirth. In more modern times, in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, the phoenix dies and rises again. I say this because there are a lot of lessons that can be taken from this story that is applicable to the pornography addict; mainly from the motif, “rising from the ashes.”

How have you risen from the ashes? Or are you like me still in a heap of ashes?

Related posts:

1. Two Necessary Ingredients for Recovery from Pornography Addiction
2. Recovery Parable: The Man with the Raft
3. The Stockdale Paradox and Pornography Addiction

Marcus Aurelius summarizes quite well the two necessary ingredients (or rules as he calls them) for recovery from pornography addiction. In reality, they are rules for life. Marcus Aurolius, the great Roman emporer of the 2nd century CE, once said, “The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.” This is so true for without the first rule, the second rule becomes next to impossible. These rules can be summarized by two words: Serenity and Reality.

SERENITY. “The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.” The more we are at peace with ourselves the better we can face ourselves, others and the world. However, I am so far beyond having an untroubled spirit. I am failing at dealing with my flesh, my desires, and my wants. Personally, I believe that this is only possible through Jesus Christ, for with Jesus we have peace with God (Rom 5:1) and thus peace with ourselves as we abide in Jesus. Instead what I have is a preoccupied brain, an emotional bank that is both empty and overloaded at the same time, a stubborn will, and an attention span of a 2 year old….SQUIRREL! I have a long way to go to an untroubled spirit; however, I may be closer than I think (kind of like a mirror).

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the infamous prayer called “The Serenity Prayer,” and it serves as a great roadmap to serenity. Every time I really think about this prayer I can get something:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as a pathway to peace; taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. AMEN.

REALITY. Once we have maintained peace with ourselves. First because we have an untrobled spirit we can face people, things, and issues in our life without having to resort “to the bottle” or to our drug of choice. Furthermore, instead of becoming blind (as the saying goes, “Pornography makes you blind.”), we can see things as they are, and we can respond appropriately. FOr example, in my life, my wife could come to me with a need and I explode thinking that she is blaming me for this, that, and the other, when in reality all she was doing was asking me for my help. And instead of being that support she needed, I minimize her need, her emotions, and push her aside declaring my needs and demanding that instead she meet them (this just happened today!). However, if I had an untroubled spirit I would be able to see her and not feel threatened.

Related posts:

1. The Stockdale Paradox and Pornography Addiction
2. Phoenix Pornography Addiction Recovery
3. My Emotional Concept of God #1

RAM is an acronym for Random Access Memory. It is the part of the computer that helps process the programs that are running while the computer is running. It controls the tasks at hand, and there is a limit to that memory. My cell phone has a low level of RAM and is constantly freezing. I do two things when this happens: (1) Close programs that are running (my smartphone can have more than one program running simultaneously) and (2) Delete my text messages. This immediately clears space for the RAM to begin working and the phone to begin working properly.

And this Christmas, we spent time with my in-laws. They had “high speed internet” which was a mere 2MB bandwidth. With three immediate families there, we had three laptops all trying to connect to the internet. So as soon as one person began downloading anything it would almost automatically freeze up another person. Eventually the bandwidth was taken up so that all the laptops were unable to connect to the internet. It was maxed out and eventually two of us would just close our laptops leaving the third person excited and surprised that their internet was working.

Both of these serve as good examples to what I believe is happening with me. I have so much stuff in my head that it crowds out important things because there is only so much room. Whether it is my preoccupation with pornography or a lie or two (not that I ever told any) that would compound to three or four (but rarely more than say 10-20 <-sarcasm). So eventually I have to remember reality, truth, the lies, who I told what, what cover-up was used and the amount of details that were given, etc. etc. Furthermore, I am always reading a book here and there and I am always learning more about my work and my job, so needless to say that my mind is on overload! My ability to process and my emotional bandwidth has plateaued.

Being overloaded, I am tired…always tired…more tired than I typically am. I am falling asleep almost at any time at any place. I am lethargic and at times simply unable to do anything (but not from depression per se). So now I am managing my professional life, my home life, and my addictive life along with my emotional baggage of guilt and shame all the while comparing myself against my high Christian standards and values.

When I first really entered recovery only recently, my wife’s counselor told us to clear our plates even if that meant not going to church for children’s choir or the Sunday night service or AWANAS or whatever. At first, I didn’t really understand this and didn’t really care to cut anything out. Actually I added to my plate and overloaded my plate just as a hungry starving person would overload their plate at an all you can eat buffet where their eyes are much bigger than their stomach. Only recently have I finished projects, walked away from opportunities and began to push things off my plate. I have delayed doing things that I wanted to do and wanted to learn. This is so that I can free up space in my RAM or in my emotional bandwidth. And I am beginning to need a simple system reboot, so that changes can take effect.

No related posts.

Pornography’s power lies within secrecy. It’s even worse in Christian circles because the modern day leper is the Christian who struggles with pornography. It’s the pink elephant in the sanctuary that no one sees. It’s the core issue facing the church right now just as alcoholism was back in the 70s and 80s.

I can remember to this day reading the Bible when I was a fairly new believer. There is a verse where Jesus is speaking, and he says, “For there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known” (Matthew 10:26, cf. Luke 12:2). I truly believe that I would be the exception to this rule. There was no way that God would declare on the rooftops what I’ve done, and I would do anything to protect my secret: lie, cheat and steal. I would dwell on what I would do if someone found out to make it acceptable or excusable. I would play conversations in my head again and again.

I would also think about how people would react if they truly discovered my secret. It was horrific and terrible. So I made sure that this would never happen. However, in reality, there are no secrets. Someone knows even when we think no one knows. People around us know whether explicitly or implicitly that something is off; something is wrong. While they may not be able to put their finger on it or say what it is outright, they know. Our spouses know. In Every Heart Restored, they talked about our wives’ dreams, dreaming of us porn addicts having affairs or something worse. They may know this way or just know or suspect in their hearts. They may even know and have seen the evidence but just ignore it hoping that it will fix itself or not knowing what to do.

However, secrecy is what gives the sin its power. Instead I need to learn real transparency, real authenticity and accept my true self. I need to show my weakness and depend on the others in my SA group, my CR group and my therapy group. This is extremely difficult! I still have yet to allow myself to do this.

Related posts:

1. Can someone become sexually pure without God?
2. Pornography: My Secret Vice & Device