Purple Carrot Paper

Roger Goodell Gives Adrian Peterson NFL Rushing Record

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 03:51:00 +0000

Through a loophole in the NFL Official Commissioner's Manual, Roger Goodell has unilaterally awarded the NFL single season rushing record to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson.

According to Goodell, evidence from a non-existent NFL steroid testing program in the early 1980s shows Eric Dickerson - the previous record holder with 2105 yards during the 1984 season with the then-Los Angeles Rams - tested positive for anabolic steroids.

"Unfortunately we are going to have to strike Dickerson's record from the books. Ladies and gentlemen, your new NFL single season rushing record holder: Adrian Peterson!" said Goodell.

Adrian Peterson rushed for 199 yards in today's game against the Green Bay Packers, giving him a season total of 2097 yards, just shy of Dickerson's now completely irrelevant 2105 yards.

Some have suggested that the egomaniacal Goodell simply wanted a milestone record that has stood for 18 years to fall during his tenure as commissioner. The egomaniacal Goodell confirmed this by later have Eric Dickerson murdered by former commissioner and BountyGate penalty reducer Paul Tagliabue.

Egomaniac and evil NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell laughs as he watches Eric Dickerson's cold-blooded murder on the JumboTron.

"Fearless" Felix Baumgartner Finally Lands Back On Earth

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 20:02:00 +0000

Noted Communist and assaulter of Greeks "Fearless" Felix Baumgartner has finally landed back on Earth after a falling for more than two months following his famous jump. Digital footage was created to show the fall in the event that Baumgartner chickened out, which he did by pulling his shoot after falling only 200 feet.
After two weeks of falling, Baumgartner got caught up in the jet stream and not only fell slowly but circumnavigated the globe 28 times.
In an exclusive interview with Purple Carrot Paper's chief science correspondent, Baumgartner said that while the original intent of collecting scientific data on man's ability to withstand a fall of 24 miles was a failure, he was able to get some of the best sleep of his life, avoiding the nagging of his fiancée, the winner of the prestigious Miss Lower Austria 2006.

"Look, Mom... I'm upside down!" - Felix Baumgartner

"Red Bull told me to at least make sure I took lots of pictures but I dropped the camera batteries somewhere over the Indian Ocean," Baumgartner said. "Mostly I slept and wondered by I'd suddenly become such a coward. I did see the extent of global warming and some overhead views of the serious poverty much of the world we inhabit lives in." He looked toward the floor then back up at our reporter. "Makes me happy to be rich as fuck."

Mitt Romney Drops Acid, Drops Bid For President

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 02:23:00 +0000

While visiting a wealthy campaign donor in San Francisco, Mitt Romney had the experience of dropping acid with the Internet billionaire and his 15-year-old daughter. Purple Carrot Paper's inside sources state that Romney claimed to have traveled to outer space to visit the home he's already purchased on his future planet, further enhancing his Mormon beliefs.

However, during his acid trip Gov. Romney also became an anarchist and read the entire collection of books, articles, essays, lectures, and more from Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn, all in the span of three hours.

Mitt Romney tripping balls and laughing his ass off.

"I don't even believe in government anymore, man," said Romney.

Gov. Romney subsequently dropped his bid for the presidency this year. He will, however, continue his opposition to President Barack Obama's campaign, but not because of partisan political differences: "I just can't back anyone that supports any form of government," Romney said. "Stop whining and start a revolution," he proclaimed, before tearing off his shirt and setting fire to the house of his wealthy host.

Campaign aides reported not having seen Gov. Romney in three days.

Mitt Romney Eats At BBQ Restaurant During Campaign Stop

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 14:05:00 +0000

During a road trip highlighting the details of what he would do if elected president, Mitt Romney pulled into a BBQ restaurant for photo opportunities and a bite to eat.

The owner of the restaurant invited Romney to cut into a fresh-roasted pig.

While cutting into the pig Romney look across the room and remarked, "It's funny. You generally throw away 47% of the pig that for most cultures [Ed. note - Our chief political analyst interpreted this as "white people"] is completely inedible. Just like I would do to 47% of the American population," said Romney in a room full of Republicans that think Romney has their economic interests in mind.

Few people were around to hear the joke as most of the press pool with Romney were eating, in the bathroom, or enjoying the fresh air after being stuck in the Brylcreem-polluted air of Romney's tour bus. Some anticipate that knowledge of his comments could become more widespread and cause further damage for Romney's bid for the presidency.

Majority of Americans Somehow Capable of Ignoring Insults

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 15:20:00 +0000

Following the attacks on United States embassies in Egypt and Libya, many are wondering why other countries take so much offense at the ignorant displays of Americans when so many Americans barely seem to notice the existence of other countries.

Purple Carrot Paper's chief statistician has put together two graphs to illustrate this surprising phenomenon.

The attacks seem to have been carried out in response to an anti-Islam film produced by an Israeli-American Jewish man, now presumed to be in hiding out of fear for his life. The film, which has been seen by virtually no one, has seemingly carried out its self-fulfilling prophecy: portray Muslims as violent, irrational ideologues in a film, which then causes Muslims in the two aforementioned countries to act in such a way.

Purple Carrot Paper's opinion columnist had this take:

If only other people would learn to just not give a shit like Americans and, most likely, Canadians. People insult us all the time and how do we respond? Ignoring it or, often enough, insult ourselves. It takes the power out of the hands of those trying to cause offense by showing it bothers you so little you're capable of ignoring it, or it bothers you even less than so little you're capable of turning it around on the causers of the offense by offending yourself.

She went on to say:

When someone is trying to portray you as violent, irrational, stupid, religious fanatic murderers, so prove their point by murdering someone in a violent, irrational, stupid, religiously fanatic way. Show them how stupid they are by not even responding, or better yet, responding to the offense with humor.

She followed this up with an example:

Say there is a tree growing in your yard and it's blocking the sunlight from entering your windows. Rather than blowing up a US embassy in response to a video you just saw on YouTube, go outside and cut down that tree. Respond by saying, "I needed to expedite the felling of this tree. The lawn service was closed for the day. But that tree offends me and my home so greatly that I just had to chop it down myself. See how crazy and irrational I am!?"

Duke Blue Devils Football Plans Elaborate Prank For Fans

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 12:16:00 +0000

The Duke University football team plans to stage an elaborate prank on its millions of adoring fans by winning the first game of the 2012-13 season. This year, rather than losing its first 2 out of 3 games like it has done every season since the 2009-10 campaign - in 2008-09, the Blue Devils won their first 2 out of 3, fooling everyone that year, too, before heading to a 4-8 record - the Blue Devils will again fool their fanbase into thinking this could be a good year for their football team by winning their first 2 out of 3 games.

Duke has already beaten perennial powerhouse Florida International University (FIU). Many fans were seen in the stands holding up signs pleading for Duke not to FIU (Fuck It Up). They proceeded to lose to 25th-ranked Stanford, whose mascot is a tree.

This weekend's opponent is North Carolina Central University, a cross-town FCS rival and symbol of the South's historic racial tension (NCCU being an historically black college/university.) Duke plans to win this game before going on to lose at least 7 more of the then-remaining 9 games.

An image released by Duke University thanking their fans for, and reminding them of future, multiple and consecutive losing seasons.

"We love to build our fans' hopes," head coach David Cutcliffe told Purple Carrot Paper. "Just like Duke University builds students' hopes they will be able to find a good job; realistically only 3 out of 12, or 25%, just like our record and winning percentage, will find gainful employment with a Duke University undergraduate degree."

Virginia's Republicans To Include The Recently-Born In Definition Of "Litter"

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 21:09:00 +0000

The Republican party has often been accused of only caring about the welfare of children while inside the womb. Once born, they lose all interest in their health, education, and other forms of general well-being. A decision by Virginia's Republican-led legislature today has done nothing to quell those arguments.

According to a leaked memo exclusive to Purple Carrot Paper, Virginia's new definition of litter, for which litterers can be fined up to $1000 depending on the type, will include "the recently-born." It appears that this is a round-about way for those that would prefer to have an abortion to pay for it in a different way.

"It looks like, as long as you pay $500 to the state of Virginia, you can just dump your recently-born child out onto the highway," says our chief political analyst. "This seems to be a way to route money from would-be abortion providers to the state. This could be a trick to up state revenue streams."

So there you have it, citizens of Virginia: your state doesn't want you to have an abortion, but for $500 they'll let you throw it out of a moving car.

Mitt Romney: If Blacks Could've Turned LA Blue, He'd Have Prayed For The Death of Every One of Them

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 16:22:00 +0000

Shocking comments have leaked out from Mitt Romney's meeting with Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal the day following the Republican National Convention. Mitt Romney was touring the areas ravaged by Hurricane Isaac.

Mitt Romney had recently tried to bolster his foreign policy credentials during the Olympics by traveling to Israel, Poland, and the United Kingdom. The trip went miserably and Romney saw this as an opportunity to boost his domestic policy credentials. Many people see Romney as purely a businessman devoid of any empathy or compassion for those that have ever faced even minute amounts of struggle in their lives. This trip, however, did not turn out in his favor.

It was initially reported that Romney told a woman made homeless by the floods to "go home and call 211." Those were apparently not the worst of his comments. His comments to Gov. Jindal are quoted below.

The racial politics in this state are interesting. Lots of poor blacks. Hopefully we can suppress their vote. Honestly though, if I thought blacks in Louisiana could turn the state blue, I'd have prayed for the death of every black person in this state. Ann's kinda glad I don't have to do that now. She cares about them for some reason. What a bitch. I might have to make that prayer in 2016, though.

Word of Romney's comments are just coming out and Purple Carrot Paper is the first to bring you this report.

Closeted Gay Teenagers Across Middle America Watch USA Men's Water Polo

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 21:45:00 +0000

All across the mid-west United States today, closeted, gay male teenagers reveled in the opportunity to openly watch the USA men's water polo team play against Romania in London's 2012 Olympics.

This segment of the population, normally subjected to shame, humiliation, and embarrassment from friends and family, all sat in front of the TV at the same time today as the men defeated Romania 10-8. The men will take on Great Britain next, a match that will again see America's closeted gay teenagers staring intently at the TV.

Hot.

"I've done all of my research [on the history of men's water polo]," said one teenager. "That way, when my dad sits down and asks me about the rules, I'll seem like a straight male."

"It also helps that there is lots of underwater fighting, kicking, grabbing, punching, and so on. It makes it a violent sport like football or hockey," said another, also worried that his father may not approve of watching a sport where men wear Speedos.

"With all the violence and yelling, this might really become my go-to sport," said one boy's father, his son smiling. "I wish they'd put on some more clothes, though," the man said despite maintaining fixed eyes on the TV screen as the men celebrated.

Fuck You, NBC

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 18:16:00 +0000

Zack Levine's, Purple Carrot Paper's editor-in-chief (and sole writer!), Facebook Page for standup comedy
Also, his twitter page (which is basically his Facebook page posts on Twitter)

NBC Applies For Nationhood With The International Olympic Committee

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 17:55:00 +0000

National Broadcasting Corporation, better known as NBC, the American network television station, has applied with the International Olympic Committee for nationhood status.

According to internal documents, NBC's plan is to bid and bribe anyone necessary to receive the bid for the 2024 Olympics. NBC plans to show nothing but a three-week stream of commercials, including on its Olympic's-dedicated website. They will post results of the events on Twitter, or whatever future Twitter looks like, in 50 characters or less.

Fuck you, NBC.

They will only post the results the day after the events, however. Also, in a surprise move, no network will be allowed to cover the events and no video will record any of the events, thus leaving no audio or video record of the events.

The move is part of NBC's plans to continue ruining the Olympics as much as possible, as they have done for Americans with this year's London Olympics.

Mitt Romney Stops To Pray At Holy Mormon Shrine In Poland

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 17:11:00 +0000

Mitt Romney stopped by the Holy Mormom shrine of Auschwitz in Poland before leaving the country and heading back to the United States after a three country tour, meant to bolster his foreign relations credentials. During the three country visit, he managed to enrage Great Britain, demonize and severely insult Palestinians, so he thought visiting Auschwitz would be a good way to end the trip and do some damage control.

"You, too, shall one day be Mormon," Mitt Romney told Polish Prime Minister Donald Tusk.

"If it weren't for the atrocities committed at Auschwitz by the Nazis," presumptive GOP candidate Mitt Romney said, "there would be far fewer Jewish souls to convert post-mortem into the Mormon faith."

While at the Auschwitz-Birkenau State Museum, Mitt Romney visited the gift shop and asked for a complete log of all victims of Nazi atrocities at Auschwitz, "And any of the other concentration and labor camps."

Aides said that Romney couldn't wait to get back to the United States so he could take a vacation to Salt Lake City, Utah and get started on what, according to one anonymous campaign staffer, "[Romney] considers one of the greatest missions of his life."

One of the plans the Romney campaign has, but won't mention unless he wins the presidential election in November, is to cease all Mormon missionary and conversion work in the United States because, according to documents leaked exclusively to Purple Carrot Paper, "anyone dying within the borders of the 50 United States will receive post-mortem baptism into the Mormon faith."

GOP Unknowingly Worsens HIV/AIDS Crisis In Africa With Post-"The Dark Knight Rises" Shooting Comments

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 15:34:00 +0000

In a move Republicans could not have foreseen, yet that totally falls in line with their logic, their response to "The Dark Knight Rises" shooting tragedy in Aurora, Colorado has caused a worsening in the HIV/AIDS epidemic in many African countries.

Many Republicans responded to the shooting by proclaiming their support for a loosening of gun restrictions - for which, in most places in the US, few presently exist - and that more people should have guns to prevent future gun-related incidents. It is a type of logic that is seen as extraordinarily flawed by most rational individuals the world over, but a type of logic followed by many African men diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.

"It seems to me," said one HIV/AIDS-infected African man, "that if more guns would lead to fewer gun-related incidents, then more rape of virgin babies and children by men with HIV/AIDS should reduce the rate of HIV/AIDS."

The logic presented was as follows:

MORE GUNS --> FEWER GUN DEATHS

MORE BABY RAPE --> FEWER HIV/AIDS DEATHS

"Many people have told us that the rape of innocent virgin babies and children will not get rid of HIV/AIDS," said another HIV/AIDS-infected African man, "but by using the logic given to us by our friends the Republicans in the United States, you can see that this simply is not true."

Asked to comment, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), responded by saying, "HIV/AIDS is a black and gay problem, just like gun violence is a black and Hispanic problem. What are white problems? Blacks, gays, and Hispanics."

Last Abortion Clinic In Mississippi To Become Sausage Factory

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 20:23:00 +0000

Last week, a federal court ruled that Mississippi's only abortion clinic can remain open despite a new state late that would have closed it.

In an effort to appeal to the Republican majority in the state and other pro-business groups, the abortion clinic has decided that it will become a sausage factory.

"But we're not going to stop doing abortions," said a doctor at the facility that asked to remain anonymous. "We're going to turn all of the aborted fetuses into sausage." The doctor said the clinic hopes that pro-choice, pro-equality Democrats and pro-small business, pro-sausage Republicans can both support the new aim of the clinic.

To show that it has moved on from its racist past, Mississippi fetus sausage is priced equally, regardless of the race of the parents. One of the names for Mississippi's official fetus sausage? "Civil Rights Sausage."

"If it really catches on," said a nurse at the facility who also asked to remain anonymous, "we're thinking that all abortion clinics can operate in the same way. It would be good to have like, a state initiative, where each state has its own official flavor of fetus sausage, much like how we all have a state bird, state flower, and so on."

Her suggestion for Mississippi? "I guess it could be imitation seafood. So yeah, a nice crab or shrimp flavor with some cajun seasonings."

She also had already thought of official flavors for other states. "Vermont could have maple, like a good breakfast sausage. North Carolina's could be barbecue flavored. Ummm, Florida's could be more of a citrusy-type flavor." As for Missouri? "Meth flavored."

Rush Limbaugh, who recently came out in support of the pro-choice movement, has voiced his support as well. Given his support for encouraging more abortions for Latin American immigrants as well as his fondness for anything high in fat, he has said he cannot wait for a "nice, spicy Southwest-style fetus sausage."

Our chief abortion correspondent asked the doctor, mentioned above, if there were any other details he wanted to share. "Well, fetus sausage would also be very cost-effective. It already comes with its own casing, so we wouldn't have to source that elsewhere."

"I guess it would sort of be like a more classy McDonald's chicken nugget," the doctor said. "Like a McNugget made out of veal, so nice and tender and unspoiled," he described, "but with all the bones and organs, too."

Man's Colleagues On Softball Team Say He Belongs On Woman's Team

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 06:38:00 +0000

John Melendez, a junior accounts representative at a local accounting firm, recently played in his first company softball tournament. He felt like it would be a good way to get to know the more senior people at the firm and also a good way to let everyone know he had a sense of humor and some personality.

However, during a particularly rough outing during the fifth inning, Melendez's teammates began telling him how much he should be playing on a women's team and didn't belong on the men's team. Naturally, Melendez was upset.

He went into the office and began researching women's softball and came to realize that his colleagues telling him he belonged on the women's softball team was actually a compliment, especially given the recent successes of the USA women's national team at the World Cup of Soccer as well as the performance by Jackie Traina, whose name is on the ballot for an ESPY this year, and the Alabama women's softball team in a victory over Oklahoma in the Women's College World Series.

"I guess there's nothing wrong with being told you belong on a women's team or in a women's sport, since women apparently can be just as successful at athletics as men," said Melendez.

Rush Limbaugh Surprises Everyone, Decides To Support Pro-Choice Movement

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 19:16:00 +0000

Rush Limbaugh, in an announcement on his radio show, has shocked the entire political world by throwing his support behind the pro-choice movement.

The following is a partial transcript of his announcement:

Literally behind the pro-choice movement. Folks, I have come to realize that I hate immigrants more than I hate abortion. And who is having more children than anyone else in America? Let me give you a hint... they're all driving around with stickers on their car that say "Bebe A Bordo." That's Mexican for "Baby On Board." When are these illegals not having babies?

So from now on, you will see me, Rush Limbaugh, living up to my deepest conservative beliefs, and that is a belief in America... a belief in small businesses and that immigrants should be kept out. An abortion clinic is just the kind of small business I can support when it means aborting the brown fetus of a Guatemalan woman whose vagina smells of cumin and cilantro.

These illegals love nothing more than free handouts. Oh yes, they love their welfare checks, they love their free healthcare, they love the freedom they have to never learn English! Well, let me tell you how to have a customer for life, abortion clinics. Let me tell you how we can avoid a future of an all-Hispanic America.

On the way out of the clinic, right after the abortion, give them another sticker to put in their car. For free, of course. Only this sticker will say, "Bebe Abortó." And for those of you unfamiliar with the Mexican language, that means, "Baby Aborted."

Rush said he would like to see "a mandatory minimum of two abortions per Hispanic woman."

Scientists Discover First Ever Case Of Macroevolution In Humans

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 23:37:00 +0000

Over the weekend, Purple Carrot Paper sent our chief meteorologist to survey the damage caused by violent storms and oppressive heat along the east coast of the United States. We sent him via Amtrak, beginning at Penn Station in New York City, all the way to Atlanta, GA.

Originally our mission was to report on how people were coping with power outages, home damage, the heat wave, lack of air conditioning, and so on. The reports from our chief meteorologist, as well as the numerous interviews he conducted with many residents along the east coast, were all quality journalism.

We have, however, chosen not to run the original article written by the chief meteorologist. We do not do this to diminish the work done by him. We do this because we here at Purple Carrot Paper want to be on the cutting edge of political, scientific, sports, and entertainment reporting. Therefore, we move on to perhaps one of the most important scientific developments thus far in the 21st century.

Scientists have discovered the first ever case of macroevolution in human beings, coincidentally along a stretch of the I-95/I-85 corridor from NYC to Atlanta. Equally coincidental, the macroevolution is reported to have happened due to the oppressive heat waves passing across the United States the past week.

Seven human beings reported to their doctors feeling cooler than normal despite having air conditioning as well as a strange sensation of tiny bubbles growing under their skin. When scientists analyzed samples from these patients, they had all evolved a defense mechanism against excessively high heat.

The bubbles underneath the skin act as miniature air conditioners for the body. One scientist, who requested she not be named due to the sensitive nature of the studies as well as the likelihood of other humans becoming cannibalistic as they lose brain function due to the heat's effects on the human brain, told us of her findings:

What is happening here is the body bringing in air and speeding it up through the blood stream. As the blood passes by these bubbles, the bubbles open up ever-so-slightly and the blood releases a small amount of cooled air into the bubble. The effect is a cooling sensation near the surface of the skin. This, combined with the body's ability to sweat to promote evaporation of liquid off the skin, thereby cooling the body further, allows the person to maintain a normal body temperature of 98.6 degrees.

The process is extremely quick, said the scientist. "One tiny bit of cool air will be in and out of one of the 'dermobubbles' within a fraction of a second. The speeding up of the air and the incredible quickness with which the air is replaced allows the body to stay cool even without air conditioning or wind."

The seven humans that have macroevolved this capability have all volunteered to be the subjects of a study that will look at the potential for "giving" this biological miracle to others.

"Many lives could be saved if only everyone evolved in this way. The big question is, through the use of stem cells and other biotechnologies, will we be able to pass on this biological ability to people, or is this something that will need to be injected into the DNA of others in order for children to be born with this ability?" - Doctor affiliated with the National Institutes of Health, but not affiliated with any of the current studies

In five of the seven, their body hair has become hollow, allowing for cool outside air to actually cool the air inside the hollow hairs, thereby allowing for even greater levels of cooling. The bubbles all seem to have developed at the base hair papilla next to the blood and lymph vessels.

"It really is the wonder of biology and evolution," the aforementioned female scientist mentioned.

GOP Set To Make Announcement To Attract Racist Environmentalists

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 03:42:00 +0000

In an exclusive report given to Purple Carrot Paper's chief political correspondent, the Republican National Committee has shown its willingness to accept global warming as scientific fact with one caveat: Blacks and other dark-skinned races and ethnicities be blamed for it.

The justification for such an action is discussed in the report:

It is well known that black absorbs all light in the spectrum and that darker colors absorb more than lighter colors. There is a movement in parts of Europe to paint the roofs of houses white in order to reflect more light back into the atmosphere, rather than the black shingles and darker tiles that cover most houses and thus absorb more sunlight. Similarly, one of the complaints about the melting of the glaciers is that the light they reflect back into space will get absorbed into the planet, thereby warming the planet.

It is obvious, then, that given the sheer number of dark-skinned ethnicities and races on the planet, we must ascribe some of the blame for global warming to them. If they were lighter-skinned, they would share less if not none of the blame.

The Republican National Committee also passed a resolution today mandating seersucker, tan, or beige suits, "so [they] can seem more environmentally friendly." Said one part of the report, "We want to strongly discourage dark suits, dark clothes, dark hats, and, although it is just at a whisper right now, some are thinking of dying their hair grey or white."

The apparent conflict between a small, unobtrusive government and a mandate on the color of clothes one can wear, as well as (given the hair dying whispers) reinforcing the image of the party as a bunch of "grey-haired old white men," was not discussed in the report.

Those Molested By Priests Now Wish They Were Molested By Jerry Sandusky...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 18:50:00 +0000

...because at least they would have gotten justice.

Jerry Sandusky:

• Involuntary deviate sexual intercourse:
   Guilty on 8 of 9 counts
• Indecent assault:
   Guilty on 7 of 9 counts
• Criminal intent to commit indecent assault:
   Guilty on 1 of 1 count
• Unlawful contact with minors:
   Guilty on 9 of 9 counts
• Corruption of minors:
   Guilty on 10 of 10 counts
• Endangering welfare of children:
   Guilty on 10 of 10 counts

Catholic Priests and their superiors in the United States:

• Hundreds of Priests that molested children:
   Convictions - 0
• Hundreds of their superiors complicit in child molestation:
   Convictions - 1 (Monsignor William Lynn)

• Guilty verdict in Monsignor William Lynn case:
   Child endangerment, 1 count

Tiki Barber Steals $5 From Little Boy's Piggy Bank

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 18:52:00 +0000

News spread today that Brandon Jacobs, two-time Super Bowl champion with the New York Giants who signed with the San Francisco 49ers this offseason, spent some time with a little boy from New Jersey that mailed Jacobs an envelope and a letter with $3.36. The gesture was meant to persuade Jacobs to stay with the Giants. Over the offseason the Giants and Jacobs could not come to terms over a new contract.

Jacobs, along with his son, took the boy and his younger brother to Jump On In bounce house for several hours, gave him a signed Giants helmet and a $5 bill to put in his piggy bank, replacing the $3.36 plus "some interest."

Two-time Super Bowl champion Brandon Jacobs and overall great guy with the two Armento brothers and his son Brayden.

Despite the gesture from Jacobs, it was meant to be overshadowed in a league whose stars usually attract attention for murder, committing vehicular homicide while driving drunk, raping women, abusing spouses and children, and hosting orgies aboard yachts.

In an exclusive report from our chief sports correspondent out of New York City, Purple Carrot Paper has learned that Tiki Barber - three time Pro Bowl player for the Giants, disappointment of a son to his parents and to his likely Hall of Fame brother Ronde Barber, and catalyst for two Super Bowl victories over the New England Patriots due to his petulance and whining - has broken into little Joseph Armento's home and stolen the $5 from the piggy bank.

There has been no official statement yet over what led to the desperation that would cause a man to steal from a six-year-old boy, but Tiki Barber has been struggling financially in recent years due to his affair with a former coworker, subsequent divorce, and no NFL team ever wanting to work with him again due to his incendiary comments about teammates and coaches.

Tiki Barber, overall embarrassment to the Barber family name and child's piggy bank thief.

"It's funny," our chief sports correspondent shared. "I don't even see Dennis Rodman or Terrell Owens going this far for money. It's pretty bad when you have even less dignity and morality than those two guys."

Area Man Reflects On The Meaning Of Father's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 18 Jun 2012 23:10:00 +0000

Purple Carrot Paper's chief lifestyle correspondent spoke with several people on the meaning of Father's Day with the understanding their names would not be used if their stories were used in publication.

The most intriguing was a statement by one area man. "Father's Day, to me, represents the day in which I show appreciation to my mother for being a much better dad than my father was."

Our correspondent pondered the question, Should mother's day be changed to mom's day, in order to better reflect the true task of being a mom, which is a job that could be done by caretakers, mothers, and fathers?

And, Should father's day be changed to dad's day, in order to better reflect the true task of being a dad, which is a job that could also be done by caretakers, mothers, and fathers?

University philosophers chose not to make themselves available to Purple Carrot Paper for this discussion, which only brought up feelings of resentment toward them, which we later interpreted as feelings of resentment toward our own absent parents.

Krispy Kreme Set To Release New "Health Donut"

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 21:39:00 +0000

In an announcement that should send shockwaves through the doughnuts industry, Krispy Kreme announced today that they are releasing a brand new "health donut." Krispy Kreme has been through the ups and downs of health crazes, especially during the height of the Atkins diet trend. However, given the national awareness of diabetes, obesity, and other conditions that could be worsened by consumption of its products, Krispy Kreme has decided to take the lead amongst doughnut makers.

During a sit-down interview with Purple Carrot Paper's chief business correspondent, Krispy Kreme Chief Financial Officer Douglas R. Muir gave us some insight into the ingredients of the health donut, the goals for its nutritional makeup, and the varieties that may be offered.

Muir told our correspondent that the first offering in the health donut line will be a baked, whole wheat doughnut to be drizzled with honey. It will maintain the normal doughnut shape. "We're using whole wheat flour, non-bleached and non-enriched, there will be no yeast involved so we're aiming to have it be approved as kosher for Passover. The honey will give it a very nice flavor that should satisfy the health requirements of our customers while still giving them the sweetness they're after.

"We would like this first iteration of the health donut to have three grams of dietary fiber, no more than 15 grams of sugar, minimal fat content. It should be good."

Muir said the company plans to have a line of Krispy Kreme Cheese that customers can purchase to spread on top of the doughnut. "We'll have a bunch of options from which our customers may choose."

Muir went on the suggest that, depending on the success of the health donut, the company will roll out several other flavors, "Some savory, for example, poppy seed or onion, and some sweet, for example, blueberry or cinnamon-sugar. And customers can purchase any of our Krispy Kreme Cheese to spread on top of their health donut.

"Something that is really innovative, never been done before, that we're going to try, is a health donut with Krispy Kreme Cheese, smoked salmon, capers, tomatoes, and red onions. We'll put it right on top of the health donut for the customer. Never been done!"

Muir scoffed and cut off our correspondent's follow-up question, "Don't you think people will just think this is a ba...?" He retorted, "It's a health donut, of multiple flavors, with Krispy Kreme Cheese. One of those Krispy Kreme Cheeses will be our Original Glaze-flavored. It's not a 'b'-word."

Authors, Publishers, Readers Gather To Commiserate The Death Of Books

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 03:49:00 +0000

Celebrated authors as well as up-and-coming authors ventured to New York City last week, along with their publishers and innumerable librarians, teachers, and avid readers, all in an effort to celebrate the last year that books will ever be published.


The Book Expo of America 2012, which ran from June 4-7, was the last that will ever be held. "What's the point?" asked one person heavily involved with the day-to-day business of BEA. "There won't be anymore books."

"It's just not a viable business anymore," said an executive at Random House, who wished to remain anonymous. "Our authors know Random House is folding and so does much of the company, but readers don't know... because there are no more readers."

Kirstie Alley, one of many famous Scientologists, ridicules intellectual authors Michael Chabon, Zadie Smith, and J.R. Moehringer. "I'll always have a job," she said. "You idiots can't do anything but sit in the dark and type on old typewriters."

The Book Expo of America has been a trade show long attended by authors, publishers, and others that work in the print medium industry. This year, however, marked the end of the Book Expo of America, the writing of books, the publication of books, as well as the reading of books.

Multiple-award winning author Michael Chabon openly cries at the podium. "Hopefully at least my children will read my books," whined Chabon, whose wife, Ayalet Waldman, is also a writer. "I guess we'll have to leave Berkeley and move to..." Chabon stopped to compose himself. "Oakland!" he exclaimed through tears.

"Libraries will basically be turned into museums," said librarian Sandy Levin. "No more acquisitions or requests from professors. The only jobs will be for archivists and interlibrary loan librarians." She looked to the ceiling and back at our correspondent. "I have always wanted to go into demolitions."

Zadie Smith said, "This won't affect British authors, will it?" When her agent shook his head, she smiled. Chabon and Moehringer were seen boarding a flight to London with Smith later that evening.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics said that despite the wholesale shutdown of every publishing house, the significant loss of income for many authors, the closing of many bookstores, the looming closure of Amazon.com, the closing of virtually all public libraries, the US economy will not suffer. "In fact, it may actually improve the situation," said one junior statistician with the BLS. "These people who have long thought it okay to just be eccentric readers and writers will be forced to get real jobs." He continued, "There may be some entrepreneurial creativity lurking in a few of these people's brains," before saying, "But I doubt it."

Upstart News Organization Set To "Try Something New"

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 06 Jun 2012 04:48:00 +0000

An upstart news organization that initially had its start in the podcasts and videos has decided to make an attempt at delivering the news on television. The organization, Nothing But News (NBN), is going to "try something new" to bring in viewers, "something that hasn't been done in a long time," said NBN president Stan LeRoy.

According to test footage shown exclusively to Purple Carrot Paper, NBN will present the news in a multi-camera format, with three reporters. One reporter will present on international news, one on national news, and one on sports and entertainment. The cameras will stay still, focusing on each reporter as they deliver the non-opinionated news. In the one-hour broadcast, international news will receive 25 minutes, national news will receive 25 minutes, and sports and entertainment will receive a combined 10 minutes.

"Just the news." - Stan LeRoy

"They're just going to deliver the news," says LeRoy. "No gossip, chit chat, witty banter, or anything of that sort." When pressed for more, LeRoy said, "Just the news." When asked how he was going to compete against other news organizations that now present the news in a sort of guerilla-style documentary format and feature more talking between the news hosts, LeRoy was confident. "We feel that people just want the news. Newscasters are tired of having to do the news like they're in an episode of 'The Office,'" LeRoy said. "We'll probably steal some newscasters away from the major media companies with our groundbreaking, completely new format."

In Throwback To Tradition, SEC Schools To Only Admit Blacks For Athletics

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 05:38:00 +0000

Purple Carrot Paper's chief sports correspondent is reporting a stunning move in the Southeastern Conference, which recently added Texas A&M and Missouri to its roster of universities.

"Given the progressive nature of the SEC's recent expansion," SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said, "a vote was held and a unanimous decision was made to take a step back toward tradition. Starting with the 2013-2014 academic year, all SEC schools will begin only accepting black students for its athletics programs, thereby barring them from being admitted to the schools for academic reasons."

The SEC is expecting plenty of battles ahead with the federal government, but the SEC has also pointed out that this should be looked at as a state's right issue and that the states have the authority to determine admissions criteria for their own taxpayer-funded universities.

Commissioner Slive said that students would receive vouchers from the state in which their university is, and that these vouchers could be used to pay tuition for academic enrollment at another nearby, non-SEC affiliated school. "Schools in the ACC, Big 12, Conference USA, FCS schools, even community colleges and vocational schools. Likely the latter, as many of the athletics-only admissions will most likely not be very bright."

SEC Commissioner Mike Slive.

Slive insisted that the move has nothing to do with race. However, when pressed about the growing idea that college athletics, football and men's basketball in particular, especially in the SEC, is a sort of modern day system of slavery, he told our chief sports correspondent he had to move on to another meeting.