Purple Laces

Dear Transwomen: Put your weapons down.

2014-01-09T14:41:00.001-08:00

Put your fucking weapons down!

I see you clutching your keys, fiddling with a knife in your purse, I see the bulge under your jacket that tells me you're packing a concealed weapon under your arm. I'm proud of you, you took an initiative to protect yourself from violent attackers.

But you need to put the weapons away.

CeCe will soon be released from prison for defending herself, and now another state is prosecuting a transgender girl for committing Self-Defense While Trans. They people don't care if you are bullied, they don't care if you are about to be raped, assaulted, or murdered. If you show any amount of violence back toward your oppressor or attacker, you are going to be prosecuted.

You have to understand, they don't care if you saved yourself from harm, you harmed someone else. Even if you were in Florida and killed in self-defense they would ignore that whole stand your ground thing and you would see jail time. You must be joking to think that those laws protect anyone but Cisgender Heterosexual White Males.

What these people are doing is telling you that you have no right to self-defense. You have no right to protect yourself from oppression. You need to just lay back and take what they give you. Sure you can't rely on the police to protect you, they are more likely to assault you than anyone else, but if you try and take the law into your own hands you'll be in trouble. The police will hunt you down, they'll misgender you, assault you, lie to the press about you, then throw you in a male prison where you'll again be assaulted, possibly raped.

Basically you're a target and you need to live with it....

Wait what the fuck am I saying. NO don't disarm, fuck them, if they want to attack you fully commit. Self-Defense is a right, and we'll not go down without a fight. I'm tired of hearing about my transgender sisters being left tied to a concrete block in a lake. FIGHT BACK, your life is precious, the moment someone tried to take it away, they have sacrificed themselves to the Cabal. Let our wrath flow. Fuck them.

My rage against the "Man-Up" culture.

2013-09-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while and I'm really disappointed in that. I've left the blog to flounder just like my Tumblr Feed is now floundering, and I seem to be on twitter more than I used to.

I also ran away from the community, hiding from the things that triggered and upset me. I shouldn't have done that, but I will do better. I've been transitioning for 2 years, living full time for over a year and working in a male dominant STEM field as a Woman. This has been enlightening in more ways then one.

But enough about my recent life, let's discuss something that absolutely infuriates me.

When someone tells anyone else to 'Man Up'. It can be said multiple different ways, including the extremely offensive 'Don't be such a girl' or 'Don't be a pussy'. All of these phrases are used to tell someone they are either being physically or emotionally weak about a situation they are in. That they are responding to stress in an 'Unmanly' or 'Non Masculine' way.

This is insulting to the victim of such phrases because of a few different reasons.

It implies that Femininity is an unwanted trait, in both men and women.
It implies that being physically weak is an unwanted trait in both men and women.
It implies that responding to any sort of stress either Physical or Mental with anything but a shrug is unwanted.
It implies that pain can simply be ignored no matter how severe and your inability to ignore it makes you weak.

These have far reaching consequences, the worst of which is outright dismissal of a person's feelings and experience. This is an aggressive form of oppression in my experience and it can lead to some negative side effects. Especially in men who were told as little boys. 'Play through the pain!' 'Man Up!' 'Grow some Balls!' 'Stop Whining!' 'Don't Be a Pussy!' or other uncomfortable phrases.

The worst of these side effects is they they will ignore a pain that is indicative of a symptom that would normally be used as a warning sign for something more serious. Things like Cancer, Disease, Arthritis, Heart Disease, and even Stroke.

A man with years of the 'Man Up' socialization under his belt could potentially be walking down the street, feel a small pang of heat in his arm, ignore it, become short of breath, ignore it, and then collapse dead of a heart attack because they 'Played through the pain.'

Why does this type of socialization piss me off? Because I was forced through it as a child, even if I live my life as a woman now, I was still socialized with this stigmatizing and dangerous oppression of all that is not masculine.

As a result, I was ill-prepared to seek help for things like Sleep Apnea (Resolved at 25, had it since I was 5), Social Anxiety Disorder(Still an issue in some cases) and Social Anxiety influenced IBS (Resolved at 25 with Transition), and Dysphoria(Resolved at 25 with Transition). As well as a host of other minor issues I'm sure I'm forgetting over time.

I hate that my native response to stress is 'Oh fuck, well bottle that up.' not 'I need assistance' Especially with issues I can't resolve myself. Luckily I'm getting over it, but in reality, I wish I didn't have to. I also wish others didn't have to go through what I have.

If you are in pain, you have stress, or you are hurting in a way you don't understand or know how to deal with. Seek Help if you can. Please. Seek help. Don't let your pain destroy you.

MLP Season 3 Finale: The Mane 6 experience the same emotional plight as transgender people.

2013-02-23T09:13:00.003-08:00

Lately, I've been very busy with my own life and haven't had much time to write and enjoy my daily gender nonconformity, but this was something that hit me and I felt I had to share with the public. The following writing is not meant to be used to say that the episode was about transgender people. More, its just me using the episode as a vehicle to explain transgender feelings.

The season 3 finale of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic tells a story that on the outside is simple to most people to understand, but can be dug into deeper to help others understand gender dysphoria. Each of the 'Mane 6' Ponies have a cutie mark, a physical manifestation on their body that describes their station and role in life. Their "Destiny" is described by their cutie mark. They can't change these things on their own, its something deeply ingrained in them.

There is Fluttershy, marked with butterflies, shes good with animals.

There is Rainbow Dash, marked with a cloud and rainbow lightning bolt, she is good with weather management and super fast flight.

There is Rarity, a series of flawless gems, shes good with fashion and the 'pretty things', makes gowns and jewelry.

There is Applejack, a series of apples, shes a farmer and grows and harvests apples to feed the town.

There is Pinkie Pie, a series of balloons, shes the party-er and the one who brings a smile to peoples faces when they are sad.

Then finally there is Twilight Sparkle, a series of stars, shes the magic user that brings the others together and 'Makes it all complete'.

Sadly, due to events that Twilight Sparkle was unaware of, she casts a magic spell that changes the cutie marks of these characters around.

Rainbow Dash's destiny is now Rarity's.

Fluttershy's destiny is now Rainbow Dash's.

Pinkie Pie's destiny is now Fluttershy's.

Applejack's destiny is now Pinkie Pie's.

Rarity's destiny is now Applejack's.

Essentially the spell "Retcons" their entire past until they think they've been living with the, technically new to them, cutie mark for life. It also causes a bit of a time paradox where one day everything is fine and normal, and the next entire farms are dead.

These characters worlds are flipped upside down, they no longer feel comfortable in their own skin, or the tasks set upon them. They are forced into the skin of someone they don't feel comfortable being.

Fluttershy has no idea how to tell jokes and liven the mood, helping friends get out of deep depression with silliness.

Rarity has no idea how to make the weather cooperate, and manages to make the weather pretty, but inconvenient.

Pinkie Pie can't grow apples and the farm is withering.

Applejack can't make dresses, everything ends up looking like a torn up burlap sack.

Rainbow dash can't get the animals to calm down and everything in the animal sanctuary is in chaos. .

In their words they are being forced to do 'What my cutie mark is telling me.' Because of their distress they are depressed, do not feel normal, and possibly even hate themselves and want to just run away. In some cases even though they are trying to do what their cutie mark says, their true destiny is overlapping. This is especially apparent with Rarity and Applejack.

Rarity takes the weather and tries to make it pretty, but this doesn't let it function in a way thats positive for the land, or the people.

Applejack tries to make dresses, but they look like they are recycled burlap sacks used to carry apples and other farm found materials stitched together. In no way would they be considered fashionable to the extent that Rarity's exquisite dresses are.

The best image I've found explaining the emotions of each character is the above fanart. This mixup and the stress and dysphoria of not being in the right destiny are so heavily impacting the characters that they are crying even as they try and do what their cutie mark says.

Twilight Sparkle, being the only person not affected by this spell, realizes the mistake she made and attempts to remedy the situation. To do so, she takes her friends to each other and shows them their true destiny. they take over the role they are comfortable in and the spell is reversed freeing them back to their natural state of being and then breaking the spell back to basics, re-writing it, and using the new spell to fix the time paradox and return everything back to normal.

The bonus side effect of this is that now Twilight Sparkle has been given a new station in life herself. But it is a positive change enhancing her current one.

So lets take this whole premise and use it as a vehicle to explain the transgender experience.

Someone is born male or female, given a cutie mark (hormones/genitals) that shows them as being male or female and having a maleor female destiny. They try their best to fit into this destiny, going about their day to day lives as best they can, but for some reason they just feel wrong. Like this destiny is not for them, they try their best at doing things that their cutie mark tells them they should. But they just can't seem to get it right and they get picked on, and the towns people get upset at them over their failures.

Depressed they maybe try and leave (suicide) or maybe just hide in a corner of the world by themselves trying their best to do what they keep being told by their cutie mark they should do. They can't help that is how they were born.

Then a magic using unicorn (doctors/science) comes and tells them its obvious that they are not comfortable with their cutie mark, and that they have a spell (hormones/surgery) that can fix their cutie mark. After some hesitation they accept and let the spells magic take effect. They become the opposite gender, their cutiemark is changed, their destiny is changed, and suddenly they are happy, they are exactly how they always felt they should have been. The depression is gone.

Here is where the story deviates, We're not little ponies in a TV show, we're human beings. Our emotions go deeper to the cord than some cartoons could ever explain. While I don't feel like any of the Mane 6 would have thought of suicide as a remedy for the distress of their life, many trans people do. The ones who manage to change their destiny are much happier, even if others try and say they are "breaking" their destiny to be happy, they are happy. That is what matters.

I hope this explanation helps those of you who have trouble understanding the transgender experience. If you haven't watched that episode, watch it, If you have seen it, please re-watch it after reading this and think about the plight those characters go through in their life when they are told their destiny is something that they themselves are not something they are comfortable with.

Maybe you'll understand why we are who and what we are, and even support us in changing our cutie marks.

Alien: Colonial Marines

2013-02-12T08:01:00.002-08:00

So, I preordered Aliens: Colonial Marines, and as of today like every gaming review site I've visited has been fisting it in the ass as a piece of shit.

This is depressing, as I'm a Alien fan to the core. I've loved it ever since I was 8ish years old in summer camp and one of the counselors was outside telling a story. I had heard something as I was walking by them, it was a bunch of girls (all crushing over the cute boy counselor), and a few boys all between the ages of 8 sitting around listening.

I came over sat down and listened as he slowly walked us through the terror and excitement of Ripley's first encounter with a xenomorph, and how she bested it by spacing it out an airlock.

I was intrigued, I loved how detailed he made the movie sound and I remember seeing an image of the alien in my head.

Surprisingly when Aliens came on TV and I watched it, I was scared shitless. The entire thing was scary to me, but I was also enraptured, The image in my head of an alien xenomorph was the same as what was now on the screen. I had been verbally given the story of Alien (the first movie) and had yet to actually see it, so I KNEW the background, I knew Ripley's history to an extent. So I was already invested when Aliens (The second movie) actually took me in and coddled me with utter fear.

I didn't have nightmares.
I had dreams. I was a bad ass chick like Ripley kicking everyones ass with a pulse rifle and a flame thrower.

Aliens didn't scare me because I had this female rolemodel to look up too. Someone who was strong, resilient, loving, and at times emotionally unstable by her own fear. But that fear didn't cripple her, it made her stronger.

Aliens 3 came out and I wasn't really that big of a fan, but Alien Resurrection was amazing. Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, and Ron Perlman? Fucking yes please!

Resurrection brought the fear back that I felt was missing from Alien 3.

So when I read all these reviews about a game that is the followup to Alien 2, everyone favorite of the series, and they are complaining about the outdated sound effects of the pulse rifle, and other things that I would be upset at missing in an Alien Game.... I'm a little miffed.

I'm still planning to pick up my pre-order, I'll probably do that on Friday. But until then I'm hoping a real Alien fan reviews it soon.

Dear Americans

2012-08-03T13:20:00.001-07:00

Dear Americans. Anytime you let a religious person tell you that your lifestyle is a sin, no matter what that lifestyle is, they are forcing their religion on you. They are obstructing YOUR Freedom of Religion.

They have said lately that anti-discrimination laws oppress their freedom of religion. Because they can not use their freedom of speech and religion to oppress you if it is considered discrimination.

How about this. The next time someone says your lifestyle is a sin, The next time someone says that their freedom of religion is being oppressed by you being protected from discrimination; You look them in the eye and tell them the same fucking thing. Tell that religious person to stop oppressing YOUR freedom of religion. Stand up in front of your elected representatives and tell them that it isn't just discrimination that these laws would prevent. It is the oppression of your freedom of religion.

Lack of religion, alternative, pagan, poly, mono. NO matter what your religion or beliefs actually are. EVEN if your religion claims the same things as theirs about you, They are forcing their religion on you when they claim you are a sinner. They are forcing their religion on you when they stand in front of your elected representatives and say that based on their religion you shouldn't have rights.

So stop letting them walk all over you. This isn't about faith anymore. It isn't about what a religion believes or doesn't believe. THIS is a fight for YOUR freedoms. And they have no right to disrupt your freedom of religion either.

This has gone from being a battle of cultures, a war of lifestyles both religious and sexual. To a WAR over your constitutional rights to NOT be oppressed by another man's religion.

The next time someone calls you a sinner, the next time someone says you do not deserve to be free from discrimination, that something you want is theirs only because of their god; You point a finger at them and tell them.

'Stop trying to oppress my religious freedoms with yours.'

I haven't posted in a while, Sorry about that.

2012-07-27T08:42:00.001-07:00

Not like it matters right?

I've been busy you guys. The two that read this, or think they read it. Who know.

I wrote a book. Yup. I did.

One of the main characters is Transgender, the other one is a girl who has only male memories of a past life.

Horrible combination.

Add in the violence, gore, sex, bdsm, and :/ sadly there is a rape scene. And this book will probably never get published.

Did I mention it has Werewolves, Faeries, Shapeshifters, and Spaceships?

The prevalence of "I never would have guessed"

2012-06-14T06:47:00.002-07:00

I wont lie, I used to have privileges. Male, White, Cis, Christian, Normal. Etc. Those were the Privileges I enjoyed. They got me into a lot of awesome situations in the past. They were never worth the cost.

I started transitioning about a year ago, On my birthday. When I decided I was going to transition I felt like for the first time in a long time, I was finally doing something 100% for myself. And I was Sacrificing a lot of my Privileges.

Male - Out the window instantly. I'm no longer male so people wont respect me like they would a male. I'm not really deemed completely female either so I don't get any of the minor privileges afforded to the fairer sex. People wont stop and hold doors open for me. And, to be honest, That is OK. The majority of my friends are female so I feel a need to maintain that small bit of my old self. I'll hold the door, not an issue.

White - For some reason a lot of people instantly disregard you as other, even if your skin is the same color, when you tell them you "Used to be a guy." In the levels of respect that people get just by being themselves White Trans women are near the bottom, and people even further segregate Trans women of Color below that. This kind of pisses me off. I love all my Transistors equally and I feel just as much heartache at the violence against Trans women of Color as I do White Trans women.

Cis - I said I was trans right? A feeling I had for a long time. But the truth is until you act on your condition to help resolve it you are stealth as Cis. Transition is like the Uncanny Valley Effect going in reverse. Very rarely can you overcome the valley though.

Christian - I've been having Christians use the bible to say I'm a sinner and going to hell. Seems like they don't know the bible.

Normal - HA!

But then, something happened.

Lately, people seem to be blindly ignoring me. I'm not stared at when I'm out in public. I'm a little loud and out, a little bit proud as well. But it isn't until I mention something that could possibly out me to a new person that they stop, quirk their head and go.

"What?" Then when I or a friend explains their eyes go wider and they say those magic words. "I never would have guessed."

Tuesday I had 5 different people tell me that. And each time I enjoyed it.

Like I've said in the past. I'm never planning to go stealth. I feel like having people who are proud and open about who they are is a positive thing to the world, and to the transgender community.

Without people being open about it we'd never get any where when it comes to our own rights.

But now It seems like I'm slowly sliding into stealth which is why I constantly out myself.

2012-06-13T10:15:00.001-07:00

To be clear, there are lots of ways we can look at human / sex gender, and there are lots of variations to occur. Nothing is any less real about people when their parts don't match, rather it be their DNA or their genitalia. These people may not be the majority, but they are no less real. And due to these variations there have been many attempts to define human sex. One attempt has been to look at DNA, the XX/XY genes which many people are familiar with. This is the XX/XY sex-determination system, but it isn't actually used and here is why:

If you were to take a DNA swab of any woman, what sex would the DNA results tell you? And after that, what relevance does it have to her being a woman, to her sex/gender? It is a false conclusion that DNA is relevant to the relationship, sexual attraction, or the determination of gender/sex. There are all sorts of genetic variations in women. Geneticists don't use chromosomes to determine sex/gender in people. It isn't known to be an accurate indicator. Genes are just a map, or a plan even. It doesn't mean that the plan is followed.

Phenotype is a far more determining factor of sex/gender than DNA (edit: or any other single factor) ever will or could be.

We don't karyotype people with our eyes or beliefs, contrary to some claims. What relevance does someone's DNA have on their sex/gender/appearance/etc? Everything you see and interact with about a person can be completely opposite of what their genes tell you should be reality. For the majority, their chromosomes may be in line with what you see. But that doesn't prove anything about the relationship between DNA and sex/gender. There are plenty of women, trans and otherwise, that do not match. (Men too for that matter.) There is such thing as an XY woman.

Also sex/gender is far more than just chromosomes. Neurology plays an extremely important part, and that is the part that does not match in trans people. Neurology is going to form the foundation of your identity/gender. And neurology is the component of trans women that does not match (possibly) their DNA. In real life, when people do gender tests, it takes a wide range of doctors/specialists to make the determination. And it should be noted that the medical community accepts the validity of transsexuals as women.

Gender verification tests typically involve evaluation by gynecologists, endocrinologists, psychologists, and internal medicine specialists. As you can see, there is far more to gender/sex than genes. Making that determination isn't the job of geneticists either. Not to mention, it can be incredibly inaccurate even still.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_verification_in_sports
Gender verification tests are difficult, expensive, and potentially inaccurate. Furthermore, these tests fail to exclude all potential impostors (eg, some 46,XX males), are discriminatory against women with disorders of sexual development, and may have shattering consequences for athletes who 'fail' a test.

DNA is an irrelevant piece of the gender/sex puzzle when it comes to sexual attraction as well (or any human interaction.) As I already pointed out, what people are attracted to (and what they interact with) is the person's phenotype -- "the composite of an organism's observable characteristics or traits: such as its morphology, development, biochemical or physiological properties, phenology, behavior, and products of behavior..." And that can obviously be changed in the case of a congenital neurological intersex condition, like transsexuality.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenotype Biological determinism (basically the idea that you are what your DNA says) is not an accurate view of humanity. In fact "Biologists sometimes regard a charge of biological determinism as a straw man, as there is currently no support for strict biological determinism in the field of genetics or development, and virtually no support among geneticists for the strong thesis of biological determinism. "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biological_determinism

So to conclude, "If I were to take a DNA swab of a transgender woman, what sex would the DNA results tell me she was? " It wouldn't. It tells you absolutely nothing. Edit: Phenotype is what is used in the determination of sex in human beings, and that includes everything from genitalia to endocrine system -- and even neurology. We're all real.

Here is more information for those that like to learn:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexualism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexualism#Causes
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism#Brain_structure

Genitalia is not the single factor used to determine sex either: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_verification_in_sports http://www.isna.org/faq/

Total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female one in 100 births http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency There are all sorts of variations in humanity. We're all real.

Dear First Coast Tea Party

2012-06-01T11:58:00.004-07:00

This is a post I made as a blog post to the First Coast Tea Party website. It will most likely not be Approved to be published but I figured I'd post it anyway.

Hello FCTP.

I haven't visited this site in a while, simply because I have felt lately I didn't belong anymore. Not only that, but I felt like I would be ridiculed for who I am if I arrived at an event. I also felt like being public would be embarrassed to my family members, some of which are, or were, members of the First Coast Tea Party. My father specifically.

But 5 days ago I got two correspondences from Leanna King over the issue of Jacksonville 2012-296. Specifically she was being supportive of Republican Rick Hartley in Opposing this change in our Jacksonville Laws (specifically the "Gender Identity and Expression.)

In this newsletter from Leanna, it states that adding "Gender Identity and Expression." to the Discrimination bill would allow for people to use it as an excuse for Sexual Misconduct, especially in the workplace. As an excuse for Sexual Harassment.

I Humbly Disagree.

Gender Identity is the internal identification of what your Gender Is. For the majority of people, they feel like the gender assigned them by the Sexual Characteristics identified on them by Doctors. These people can easily go through life without ever questioning "Am I a Man, My Penis Makes me one?" Or "Am I A woman simply because I was born with a Vagina?"

People who are comfortable with their Gender Identity and Sexual Configuration, can live their entire lives comfortably. They can wear the clothing that society decides is appropriate for them. Act the way society expects them to, and no one will ever harass them for being themselves.

There how ever is a very small population of people who grow up feeling extremely UNCOMFORTABLE with their Genital Configuration. Their Gender Identity Conflicts with their Sex that they were assigned at birth. They feel Alien in their own bodies, and in some cases, where they can't get help because of societal restrictions or the fear of discrimination, they simply commit suicide instead of living constantly feeling wrong.

The Majority of people who are Comfortable with their Assigned Genders will never feel that type of pain. But those who are not comfortable with their assigned gender feel that pain all day, all night, it invades their dreams, it invades every waking part of their being. Their mind screams "I'm a Freak" simply because in the minds Eye they see themselves opposite of what their doctor assigned them when they were born.

This discomfort, called Dysphoria or Gender Dysphoria, thus becomes the cause of secondary symptoms like Depression, Self-Harm, and eventually Suicide. 41% of respondents to a recent poll of those diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria have admitted seriously contemplating, or actually attempting Suicide.

41%. Almost Half. While the Percentage of those not afflicted with this Dysphoria is only just a little under 2%

For many of these people they find themselves with a choice, the only choice they can make. Suicide. The easy way out of a life of pain, confusion, self hatred, anger, and in some cases physical pain manifested from their depression. Or Transition.

Transition is the act of taking hormones, modifying your appearance, and in some cases, surgical reconfiguration of ones Genitalia. Not all people who Transition go as far as Genital Reconfiguration Surgery. But a vast majority of Trans*, Transsexual and Transgender people do.

Hormones can do a lot to help a person feel normal on their own. Recently a Neuroscience team discovered that the average Transwoman's (Someone who was born male and transitions to female) Brain actually had the shape and configuration of a Woman who was assigned Female at birth. So when a Transwoman actually starts Hormone Replacement therapy their brain beings to feel normal. For most their depression quickly disappears, their self hatred, and their self-harm stop, and the cases of them committing suicide drop significantly.

They feel normal once again, they feel happy. They feel like themselves. Until they are hit with harassment or discrimination. For being just that, themselves.

A Transwoman is not going to want to continue to wear tailored business suits to work, She may prefer to wear a Tailored Skirt Suit to work. It feels comfortable for her to do so. She may prefer to wear a dress at night when she goes out with her friends. She may even want to have a relationship with someone.

Or a Transman (someone transitioning from Female to Male) may want to wear that tailored Business suit. Or maybe even not work in a office at all and get a job in something like Construction, the Police, or even the Military.

But here in Jacksonville these people are not protected. They are told that they do not belong. They are told that they are ugly, gross, that they are dirt. And in some areas, this discrimination even leads to Murder. This discrimination brings back those feelings of self hate, and of suicide, to those who are Transgender.

This issue is close to me, because a year ago around this time, I could no longer handle how I felt. I couldn't handle the constant thoughts, desires, and hobbies I found entertaining that didn't reflect that I was male. I was tired of the people I had relationships with telling me I was too feminine for them when I had been born male. I was Tired of being called "Sir" or "He". When inside I just didn't feel it.

Around this time last year, I laid down in my bed, put a rifle in my mouth, and was about to pull the trigger when I was interrupted. That interruption snapped me out of the depression for a bit, but I found help before it came back for good and on my birthday last year, I turned 25, and I started transitioning.

I am Transgender. This wasn't a choice I made, I didn't make a choice to feel like a Woman in my head. It was a nagging buzz in the back of my head. Strange thoughts and actions that I just did on my own, but when found doing them I was punished for it and told it was for girls. Nothing I ever did to act out on my Gender Non-Conformity had to deal with Sexual Intercourse. It had nothing to do with my Sexual Orientation either, I Identify as Asexual (Lacking any desire to engage in sexual conduct or intercourse with anyone.), thought that isn't to say I do not want a relationship with someone. I just don't need anything more then the romance and companionship. Intercourse itself is Gross.

My Gender Expression, and my transition from Male to Female, had nothing to do with anyone else. It had nothing to do with how I was raised, it had nothing to do with my parents, or my interests in what I wanted to do for my job. It was completely about feeling comfortable in my own skin.

This month I will turn 26, It is also my first year anniversary of being on Hormone Replacement Therapy and I have a consultation for my Surgery next week. I am gendered 90% of the time now as Female. And every time someone simply acknowledges me as "Ma'am" "Miss" or "Her" I smile. Because now other people see me how I always felt about myself.

I'm Lucky though, The company I work for has been extremely supportive of me. Others have not been so lucky. Here in Jacksonville, most companies would just Fire someone for being Trans. And that was a fear I had when I first came out to my HR Rep and supervisor. It was a huge fear that me becoming true to myself would end my career.

I was lucky, not everyone was.

Before you stand outside city hall, yelling and screaming that you don't think people like me need protections, think.

What right was given to you to tell me I couldn't wear a skirt, if I wanted to, to work? What right was given to you to tell me I had to hide my breasts with a binder so that they didn't protrude from my chest? What right was given to you to tell any Trans person that they are wrong about their gender identity?

2012-296 doesn't give me any rights. It doesn't say I can walk up to someone and expose my genitalia at them. It doesn't say I can walk around with minimal clothing on. It doesn't say I can sexually harass someone else. It gives me NO rights.

296 does one thing, It makes sure people don't impede the few rights I do have.

Life, Liberty, The Pursuit of Happiness. It doesn't let me interfere with your rights.

My Gender Identity is mine, Not yours. I choose to express it by painting my fingernails, having my hair styled, and Wearing a nice outfit. These things do not sexually assault or harass you. These things do not interfere with your rights. The things I do to feel comfortable with my outside appearance do nothing to harm you.

You can choose to express yours how ever you want. I'm not going to interfere with that. And that is all I ask of you, to not interfere with mine.

Treat me how you want to be treated.

The worst week I've had in a long while.

2012-05-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that I've been on this path for 11 months as of yesterday. And I haven't felt as depressed as I did yesterday. It wasn't the news about my move being canceled that upset me either.

Monday, a guy I knew from my highschool days died in a motorcycle accident. It was kinda hit me pretty hard. I had worried all day about the accident when I heard about it, for some reason I felt like it would end up being someone I knew, When I found out it was indeed a close friend of my brothers and an acquaintance of mine, I started crying. This hit pretty hard.

Tuesday was our City Council meeting in town to discuss an addition to our City's Anti-Discrimination laws. This would add Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation to it. The vote isn't until mid June, but we had a chance to speak. After reading a lot of the "How to make sure you can get into the meeting, how to make sure you can speak." information I basically was informed that I couldn't even enter the meeting because I technically live outside of the city (I live in an unincorporated area just on the outskirts of the major city.) So I couldn't even get in the building if I wanted for that night. Even though I work inside the city.

And then Yesterday.

Yesterday was the worst. I found out about my move getting canceled, and to be honest it wasn't that big of a deal at first. I was disappointed yes, but not to the point of being upset. So I went through the day in a bit of a haze, worked as fast as I could on my tickets, and got as much work as I could done at work. I got paid so I decided I'd buy some new clothes. I need new clothes as I've been wearing the same 4x mens shirts for the last year when I can now fit into some 1x shirts but 2x area little more comfortable for my chest.

I called another trans friend of mine and she agreed to go with me shopping. I picked her up. We laughed that we both were craving the same thing for dinner. So we head to popeyes. I should have just gone through the drive through, but dumb ass little me, I park and we go inside.

Me and my friend are talking about the story I'm writing, I'm explaining what red hair means in the context of my little universe I'm sculpting, She has red hair so it was kinda interesting of a conversation.

We get up to the counter to order and the lady behind the counter misgenders me, pretty directly, and rather loudly. I looked down at my chest. I'm proud to say I'm a 42C. I reach up and readjust my hair. Nope its still there, my hairs real, I dont wear a wig, and I have a rather feminine cut Its not super feminine but its definitely not masculine. My voice isn't very deep. On average I get gendered as a dyke, or lesbian woman. I ordered my food and looked at my friend.

She had to recently cut her hair short for personal reasons, I think its gorgeous. It is bright firey red, and even short she looks like a cute little femmey dyke as well. She doesn't really have breasts though, but shes super skinny. I love her to death, shes the girl who saved my life. The lady behind the counter looks at her and misgenders her as well. I got so mad. I grit my teeth I bear it. The lady is just blind, tired, what ever.

I should have corrected her. I should have. I know I should have, but the look my friend gave me told me she wanted me to just let it go. So I let it go, I let it slide.

We go and sit down, she asks me to calm down, tells me it is ok, it happens. I don't need to worry. I haven't been that blatantly misgendered in over 3 months. I thought I was doing good, and this lady just ruined my entire day.

Little did I know it was going to get worst.

We sit down, we get our food. We're enjoying our food, and this lady who is the dinning room busy body, cleaning up everything as people leave, comes over. Shes intentionally standing over us while she whips down the bin behind our table.

"How are you Gentlemen today!"

Gentlemen.

I wasn't feeling very gentle, I wasn't a man. My friend is close to just kicking me under the table as I whisper under my breath that I'm having a horrible day. The lady tries to be sympathetic saying it'll get better, she doesn't understand that she just contributed to my own rotten day.

My friend grasps my arm when we're back in my car and tells me its ok, tells me to calm down. tells me it happens, I just have to relax and not let it get to me. But I am so close to tears. So close to breaking down.

We go to a clearance store, the last time I was there they had a decent section of clothing I could fit into. We go to that section and most of its been picked clean. We can't find anything that'll fit me, so we look for some stuff that'll fit my friend. We find a cute pair of pants, tank, and some undies for her. I eventually find a pair of pants and some bras I could fit into.

I head towards the fitting rooms. The fitting room area is in shambles but there is an empty stall so I slip into it and close the door. I try on the pants, they fit but not in a way I would enjoy. Yay I can wear 18's down from my 20-22's. And I can fit into a 42c, down from a 44b, my weight loss is coming along nicely.

While I'm putting the clothes back on the hangers, Fully realizing I'm not going to be buying anything today. I hear one of the other ladies in the changing room come out of her stall and talking with an attendant. I had walked by her while she tried on jeans in front of the standing mirrors. These were all single stall, unmarked fitting rooms, there are no signs for gender, it just says "Fitting Rooms" It just happened these were closer to the women's section, but I had shopped in the women's section, and I had gone into the stall with women's pants and bras in my hand. But I hear the lady say.

"I couldn't believe it some man just came into the women's fitting room, walked right past me. Are there not men's fitting rooms?" I figure, maybe another guy came through? maybe? doubtful.

I get dressed, realign all my clothes, make sure my everything in order, I feel tears going down my cheeks. I stick my chest out, I hold the bras out with one hand, the pants out with the other and I exit my stall with what little Pride I have left. I drop the clothes on their hangers onto the "I don't want these anymore" rack and walk out with the lady glaring at me, I just ignore her. I find my friend and we go to pay for her stuff. She gets nervous and hands me her stuff and asks me to pay for it. I take her bills and the clothes she wants and I purchase them for her with my chin up and my tits out still.

We get in the car and my friend puts her hand on my arm again, tells me to calm down, tells me to relax, Everything will be ok.

I drop her off at home. I meet her mom for the first time. I hug my friend as tight as I can, and I drive home. I get home and watch Dr who. I try and write, but I'm so stressed out, I don't get much done.

I go to be a little early and I cry myself to sleep.

I've been transitioning for a year now. I'm extremely happy with my results, but even though I'm happy I still get misgendered, a lot. And it is the worst experience in the world.

My rough draft for Council Bill 2012-296

2012-05-21T06:07:00.001-07:00

Hello,

My name is Maxine [Redacted], I was born [Redacted]. And I am a Gender Non-Conforming member of the Jacksonville Community. I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and Transexualism, and sadly I'm a member of a statistic that says an estimated 40% of people afflicted with this condition will attempt Suicide rather then face the Discrimination of their community. A year ago I put a rifle in my mouth because I no longer could handle the anger and hatred that Dysphoria filled my mind with. Or the idea of facing the discrimination others have faced in our city.

I am only here today because a loved one interupted me and another managed to find me help. I started taking hormones 11 months ago. I have since been classified as Biochemically female by my doctor. And I'm happy. The suicidal thoughts, the anger, the rage they are gone. But the Discrimination is not.

I'm standing in front of you now wearing my mask, The male attire I wear to work due to being afraid of losing my job if I showed up how I felt inside. Because of the awkward glances my coworkers would give me. Sadly this mask will eventually no longer work. My appearance has changed so much in the last year. My body shape no longer even remotely resembles a male body. The effect is I now look like a girl wearing her boyfriends clothes out in public. I'm no longer male.

But because of discrimination I hide as much of my Gender as I can still.

Some will say Gender Identity anti-discrimination is about basic human rights - The right to a job, a place to live, and fair treatment in public spaces. I agree with that. But in reality, it is about having the right to just to feel safe in our community. Without fear of losing our job, our home, or to be turned away from a public area because we fail to Conform.

I'm transgender and I'm happy that I can say that, but I do not feel safe.

Please pass Council Bill 2012-296

Thank you.

Against Me! makes me cry...

2012-05-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

So with the recent uproar about how the lead singer of Against Me! (I will be refering to them as her and Laura if I need to.) came out as trans*. The attention this punk rocker was getting from her confession made me consider listening to some of the old Against Me!'s discography.

I was pointed to a few songs to listen to first.

Listening to the lyrics, and the anger in the singers voice as they try and tell a story, it is easy to pick out the signs Laura left for her audience. Those that really embraced those lyrics and understood them most assuredly snapped to attention as soon as they heard the news. Those signs are so obvious sitting there now that its hard to not see where they were coming from.

“If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman/My mother once told me she would have named me Laura/I’d grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.”

There is a lot of regret in the sound of the singers voice when those words are given out. It becomes obvious to me that they came from a place of a a lot of pain and possibly regret.

When those words first hit me. I instantly started to cry. It was my first experiance with this group. I had never really heard of them before. And to be honest I had first brushed the whole situation off as "Oh that is cool." But now that I sit down and listen in repeat the lyrics of these songs. I hear bits and pieces of my own life whispering back. And those whispers make me cry.

So thank you Laura.
Thank you for being strong, and telling us your story.
Thank you for the music you have made that has made other people happy.
Thank you for the music you have made that has me now crying.

Laura, I've never met you. I may never meet you.
But thank you, and I love you.

Max.

The US Legal System Doesn't Care About Us

2012-05-02T11:22:00.002-07:00

That is what today has proved.

This week two Transgender People of Color were killed while minding their own business. Each time it was apparent that someone got upset that they were trans and became so angry and emotionally unstable that they attacked and killed the source of their Anger.

Thanks Masculine Hegemony Thanks.

You trained your men that any other "Men" who didn't act like "Men" were no longer "Men" and thus "Expendable."

You trained killers.

Every Trans woman's death and blood, in my eyes, are on the hands of the government who continue to refuse to develop protections for Trans* people.

To make matters worse. The US Justice System has just strong armed Cece, A Trans woman who defended herself with returned violence, into pleading guilty for 2nd Degree Manslaughter. She and her friends were out on their own enjoying their night when they were accosted by a Cis Gender White Male and his friends. When this man started to physically harass Cece and her friends, In the midst of this scuffle that happened a White Cis Gender Woman broke a glass against Cece's face scarring her for life.

Cece did what ANYONE would do when her and her friends well being was in trouble. And defended herself.

When you as a minority of the population are trained that the police wont help you, you try harder to protect yourself when you know help wont be coming.

Cece killed the man who attacked her and her friends. She waited for the police and was arrested for murder.

Cece Was Innocent. She committed Self Defense. Which is not a punishable offense.

Had this gone to trial the jury would have found her innocent of all charges. The problem is the state doesn't like it when it goes to trial. They tend to lose way too often. (See: Casey Anthony). So they strong arm and convince defendants to reach a plea agreement. They knew they wouldn't win against a jury so they convinced Cece that if it went to trial she might lose, if she loses they'll put her away for life or longer. To get out of it all she has to do is say she did SOMETHING wrong and they'll drop the higher charge.

When faced with that information a majority of people would take the deal.

But what this really says is that the US Legal System doesn't care about us.

Those of you who are Trans* and Gender-Non Conforming like me. Learn this lesson.

The Police, US DA's, The Government. They DO NOT CARE about us. They could care less if we all got killed. They WANT US in their jails. They WANT to have us stuck in General Population with people of the sex we do not identify with. They want us raped, they want us Docile, they want us gone.

We are a BLIGHT to them. We will never be anything more then an Inconvenience.

The only way to fix this is to get rid of the Hegemony Trained Men who run this government.

This has nothing to do with Feminism, it has everything to do with survival. VOTE.

If you don't vote you are just hurting yourself. If you have to go and ask every candidate who is running for office over you. Ask them! "Will you protect me from those who hate me." If they say no. If they say you have no right to equal protections under the law. If they say it is not a hate crime to kill a trans* person. Then vote against them. If none of your candidates care about you, then Run yourself!

We have to get these people who do not care about us OUT OF POWER. And Elect people who will protect us.

That is the only way we'll ever be safe.

So, When are you going to start dressing like a girl?

2012-04-27T06:50:00.001-07:00

Dear mother of god, I hate this phrase.
Doesn't help that now even my mother says it.

I feel like a girl, I've got hormones like a girl, I identify and socialize as a girl. Why does what I wear matter?

(Flashback)

So on Wednesday, I received a letter from my Endocrinologist. The contents of the letter are an attempt to help me get my gender marker changed.

"To whom it may concern.
We've been treating (Legal Name) for Gender Identity Disorder with Hormone Therapy. She should be considered from here on out, Biochemically Female."

Yeah, it is a stretch, that biochemically word. But hopefully the people it matters to have a letter from a doctor will accept it.

I no longer function as male, and I get gendered as female 90% of the time. Even by the people who've known me as female.

I came home and shared this letter with my mother. She just frowned and looked up at me with doe eyes. "So when are you going to start dressing like a girl?"

I just stared at her. At the time I was wearing Pajama Pants and a three sizes too big T-shirt.

My prefered attire is womens jeans and a decent printed T, with a buttonup worn unbuttoned overtop. I have no qualms about it. I'm a DYKE. I always will be. My goal was never to be super femme like a Drag queen, or even subtlefemme like some of my other transisters.

I'll never get rid of my desires for video games, guns, heavy metal, comics, and other geeky computer stuff. I'll also never find a love of flimsy sun dresses. I just do not look good in a dress. I accepted that a long time ago.

But for some people when you are trans and say "I'm a woman" they judge you harsher then they would a Assigned Female at Birth woman.

Most of the time people ignore if a woman is more butch or femme in their attire and appearance if they are cisgender and attractive.

But a slightly unattractive transwoman. If you are not trying to be Femme they try and negate your experiences of being transgender, of feeling like a woman.

Grrr I wont be wearing dressing soon Mom.

My Vagrant Heart... My Vagrant Story

2012-04-20T09:41:00.001-07:00

My heart is a Vagrant it seems.

I have a lot of trouble keeping it in one place. I have even more trouble keeping it from latching on to others.
I love everyone. I'll say it that way I guess. It is hard for me not too. I see way too much beauty in the world to bother with thinking people I've never met are worthless. It takes a lot of heartache on my side to get emotionally detached from someone, and usually deals with them hurting me in some way.

I think that is why its so easy for me to fall in love, and so hard for me to stay. I'll probably never find someone my heart could stay with for a long amount of time. Though I keep looking, because that is what I want.

I want someone to love, someone to care for, someone to grow old with and die happy with. I want to cry with them, laugh, smile, cuddle, love with them. I guess everything any normal human would want. But I still have trouble. I'm shy, I'm too afraid I scare people, that they'll only see me at my genitals and not for who I am inside. They'll see the hormone ravaged sack of flesh that is my body and disapprove.

But back to my heart and its vagrancy. It seems like every week it finds someone new to pine after, someone new that sparks it to life and makes it beat with a renewed vigor. And every time it simply ends up disappointed, the other being already in a relationship, enjoying being single, only looking for sex, or some other speil that would prevent me from getting the things I need out of any type of relationship.

I'm also having people who I used to love try and regain a bit of a place in my life and I appreciate most of them, though others I'd rather not talk to. My heart craves the touch of those few friends I've really missed the last 7 to 10 years too.

I guess I'll end on this.
Love You.

Moving Right Along

2012-04-12T11:54:00.002-07:00

Wednesday, I had my second endocrinologist appointment down in gainesville. I had started seeing her a month ago when I was at 8 Months of Self Medicating. I'm now at rolling up on 10 months. She Informed me that all my bloodwork came back clean and that everything about it was in positive good ranges and levels. But my sex hormone panels had not been returned yet.

I had to wait a few days for them to come in they said, Well they came in today, less then 24 hours after my appointment. My Endo called and informed me that I have been found to have Normal Female Ranges for my hormone Panel. And was given the go ahead to continue treatment as she prescribed.

I was also given another bit of good news. She will happily write and sign a letter stating that I was her patient, and that after treatment and study I should be considered legally Female.

This is such great news. It means that I will be able to get my gender marker change, as well as my name change. With those done, I can start calming down and living my life like a normal human being again.

I am so excited.

Congrats Mass. Boo Anchorage.

2012-04-05T14:42:00.002-07:00

The state of Massachusetts signed a Transgender Equal Rights Law into effect today. I am so proud of my sisters and brothers up north getting this awesome piece of legislation signed. A lot of other states may soon follow.

http://boston.com/community/blogs/on_liberty/2012/01/celebrating_fair_play_and_equa.html?rss_id=Most+Popular

Sadly those of you in Anchorage will not be getting equal rights, as the equality and discrimination bill that was up for vote there was shot down. I blame the TV ads that depicted a trans woman as a big burly man with a full beard wearing a dress. I feel sorry for you guys, but I wish you luck in the future.

Repressed Memories of Non-conforming Outbursts, and why I never told my therapists I felt Wrong.

2012-03-28T13:38:00.004-07:00

I'm crying as I write this. These memories that flood back into my head. From days gone by, long ago forgotten as if they were dead.

When I was younger, there were lots of minor events that I may have completely forgotten. Lately those memories have been bubbling back to the surface, screaming for me to tell my story.

When I was young I was physically discouraged by my Father in acting on any of the urges I had bubbling up inside of me. Now that I've come out to him, he acts like these actions I did never happened and negated that I ever acted "trans."

When I was extremely young, probably around 3 or 4, I would love to jump into my mothers heels if left out in the public area of the house and squeal as loud as I could. "I'm mommy now!" then proceed to dance and prance around the house as fast as I could laughing as the shoes clack clacked on the tile. This seemed relatively harmless to my parents at the time, but I think it signaled and gave warning to a possible future that neither really anticipated. One day while performing this ritual of mine, my dad stopped me, told me I was to old to do that and lift me out of them and take them back to hide in their room. After that I never saw my moms heels laying out around the house anymore.

When I was 5 or 6, I would start refusing to wear underwear or pants, wearing my long PJ shirts around the house unless I felt sick. My mother would reprimand me and ask me why I wasn't wearing pants. But I couldn't respond as to why. I still didn't understand what it meant. I didn't understand why the tighty whities my parents bought me felt wrong. Then, one day, my mom accidentally mixed a pair of her white silk undies in with my own laundry. I had never felt silk before. It was a strange sensation, It was comfy, soft, it was shaped like my underwear, I didn't know what they were, so I pulled them on. They fit me perfectly and suddenly I realized... I felt comfortable. When it was found out that I was wearing a pair of her underwear I was yelled at and they were taken from me, and I was bought a set of boxers with bright colors so they wouldn't get confused with girls underwear anymore...

Around that same time I started hanging out with my neighbors kid a lot, She was awesome, she had a Sega Genesis and lots of barbies. When we'd go over to her house my brother would end up on her Sega while me and her played with her barbies. When I'd get home, I'd some times sneak into my sisters stuff which we had at the house that was loads of barbies and I'd play with it there. One day my dad found me playing with my friend and her barbies and smacked my head. "Barbies are for girls, come on lets go home." I never asked for a barbie that Christmas, though I really wanted one...

Later when I started attending 3rd grade, after moving from the north side of town to the south side of town, I had a teacher who was loud, eccentric, and to be honest, quite awesome. Every now and then, when we were at recess, or having a quite period after lunch, she would be painting her fingernails and sometimes even her toenails. I would come up and ask her why she painted her nails, she said it made her feel pretty. I blushed and would ask "Can you paint my nails too?" and would giggle when she'd smile and paint my nails for me. When I'd get home, my Dad would be furious. And would insist on holding me down and taking a scour brush to my fingernails with paint thinner. This was probably one of the most humiliating things I ever had done to me, I cried while he did it, then hid in my room afterwards. I think this was the first time I actually hid behind my bed and pulled the top mattress back so it covered me in darkness.

Later in my elementary school days we went to the mall for a field trip. While there I made a stop at piercing pagoda and a few of the jewelry stores with the girls I was friends with, My entire schooling history I had more female friends then male friends. When I told one of them I was jealous because they were allowed to have their ears pierced and I wasn't one of them dropped a small packet in my hand. It was magnetic earrings. Just studs, but magnetic non the less. I bought them instantly.

I put them on and went and stared at myself in the mirror for the longest time. Not understanding the feelings I had. Or why I felt so comfortable and awesome. I went home with them still on, After having them on for over 5 hours, I had gotten used to the feel of them in my ears and had forgotten they were in when my dad came home. It didn't take long till he saw and noticed them, his face instantly turning red as he rushed me. Screaming obscenities about how dare I get my ears pierced, I tried to tell him they were not pierced but before I could he reached up and grabbed my ears yanking as hard as he could. When the magnetic jewelry collapsed in his hands and he realized he hadn't just torn metal from my flesh and I was unharmed he got angrier and grabbed me and started beating me. I cried. not because he beat me, but because he threw away my earrings.

A few different times in my childhood movies and TV shows influenced my life because of elements that displayed Magic and the ability of someone who wasn't something to magically turn into the thing they wished they were. Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and a few others, really hit home with me. But the one TV show that really impacted me was Sailor Moon. This girl had a magic wand that TURNED HER INTO A PRINCESS THAT PROTECTED HER LOVED ONES!... I don't know why I decided that needed all caps but I did. I so wanted to be Sailor Moon.

I was Obsessed! And this was before I knew what Anime was. I didn't know Sailor Moon was a Japanese show converted over for Americans, I loved it.

I loved it so much that I would watch it any time it was on TV. I'd set up the VCR (Heh, remember those things?) to record it for me every day in case I missed it, and even if I didn't miss it I'd re-watch the episode I recorded just to enjoy it again.

My father, did not like this. He would yell at me that it was a girls show, that I should watch Teenage mutant ninja turtles. Which I did like, but I liked it more for the positive role model I felt I got out of April O'neil. He would steal the blank tapes and hide them, destroying any that already been used to record.

Eventually he started to even mock my interest in the show, one Christmas assigning presents I received as having come from "Sailor Moon" only to open them to find complete and utter junk I didn't and would never want. Lot of it being just shitty clothes with "Positive male role models" or some other shit all over it. After I had finished opening all my presents that year, I pretty much said "Fuck Christmas" and stopped caring about what I got, if I got anything at all. That was probably the last Christmas I would have ever called the Traditional Family Christmas, as soon after my parents started their steps towards separation.

The entire time I went through these events, I was also randomly being dropped into psychologists offices. But because of how my father treated these types of outbursts, I was scared of telling the psychologists that I felt wrong, that I didn't feel like a guy. That I never felt "normal". And as a result they constantly dumped Diagnosis of Depression, ADD Compounded by Depression, General Anxiety and a few others.

A lot of these I didn't remember till recently, some I didn't know about at all. I'm just glad I got it over with and started my transition. I feel so much more comfortable now then I ever did trying to hide and accidentally letting things slip.

Thanks Dad,

2012-03-01T13:48:00.001-08:00

Thank you Dad...

For raising me, for treating me like your son for my entire life.
Thank you for being there when I needed help with my math homework when I was young.
Thank you for believing in me when I went to high school, and paying my way through private school.
Thank you for everything you did right for me.

I'm sorry,

I am sorry that even after all the investments into my future you've made, I've disappointed you.
I'm sorry that after all the things you did to try and make and keep me a strong, respectful, decent human being, I ended up being something you couldn't agree with.
I'm sorry that the times we spent together doing manly things were all in vain and a waste of your time.

I'm sorry that I'm a girl.

No.

No, I'm not. I am not sorry.

I am not sorry that I'm happier now than I was pretending to be your son.
I am not sorry that I'm happier now than I was pretending to be a man.
I am not sorry that I'm happier now loving multiple people regardless of their gender, or lack of their gender.
I am not sorry that I am me.
I am NOT sorry.

Today you had my sister tell me, because you were too much of a chicken to ask yourself, that you didn't want me in your office anymore. Even if I'm there to see my own sister, you don't want me near your place of business.

Sister: "Dad would like to ask nicely that you not drop by the office anymore."

And I get it, you are ashamed of me, I embarrass you.

If you really do not want me in your life anymore. I will gladly comply.
My birthday of this year I'll be filing my court documents for name change.
When I do, I'll omit the name you gave me.
I'll take a new family name.

I was never going to pass on your legacy through blood, why pass it on through name.

Maybe once I get rid of your name, I wont embarrass you anymore.

Goodbye Father,
I don't feel like calling you Dad anymore.

Rage Comic 3

2012-02-14T10:46:00.001-08:00

Rage Comics 2

2012-02-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

Rage Comics 1

2012-02-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

Relationships and Sexuality

2012-02-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

Before I started my long grueling road of transition, I was shy and introverted. I was a bit of a hermit and I hated going out in public. That all changed...

About a month after I had started HRT, I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. That comfort lead to me being able to go out in public again and not cover up in super baggy clothes and try and hide my face in a hoodie. I was introduced to a few people who are part of a Local Jacksonville community of non-conforming peoples both on Gender and Sexuality. In this group I've met a lot of people I have grown to love dearly. In this group, I've met some of my most intimate relationships.

Before I started my transition I had all of one major relationship that lasted longer then a week. I met a girl name Valerie, and she seemed pretty okay with me being as weird as I am. We did some really non-conventional things together, but generally we had fun hanging out. Though I had lost my virginity years before her, she was the first person I ever romantically enjoyed spending time with. But sadly it wasn't meant to be, and eventually we separated over my gender identity issues. We still talk randomly but no where near as much as we used too.

It was her acknowledgement that I wasn't man enough for her that really sparked me into wanting to finally transition. Without her relationship I probably wouldn't have ended up self medicating even with Erin's help. She was the ex I had just come home from seeing when I decided I might try committing suicide. But I didn't and I did start taking those pills.

Back then, I considered myself strictly Heterosexual, Only finding sexual attraction with female bodied people, even trans women. After starting my transition I had multiple short term flings with various women, all knew I was Trans, all accepted me as trans, and all of them acted and treated me like a girl. I was in heaven with them. But afterwards, I always felt... drained, never satisfied. Maybe it was the dysphoria. Maybe it was just that I was being overly judgmental about myself. But I realized I wasn't really all that attracted to women. Yes, I'm in love with their shape and form. But making love to a woman like a man, or even like another woman would, seemed to stressful on my emotional well being... I continued to call myself a Lesbian, though there came a time where, I would never go back to bed with another woman.

Then I met Eric.

Eric was a year younger then me, a geek, bisexual/pansexual, and a cis male. He had a funny smirk, a shy demeanor, and when I kissed him he blushed and cooed. I love being with him, but he doesn't want a permanent committed relationship.

I look around, and even though I'm happy with Eric, I don't see any other male bodied person I'd feel comfortable being with. I doubt I'll find the perfect mate for me any time soon. So right now I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and stay happy.

My 7 Month Timeline.

2012-02-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

Start of something new, Part two.

2012-02-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

So instead of coming out and telling people I was uncomfortable, I just overcompensated. I joined a few sports teams because my parents told me too. I do extreme stuff that only REAL MEN did. I went hunting, I played games, I got good with computers. Manly Men Things. But again, in the end these things made me hate myself.

It all culminated to a suicidal idealization a week before I turned 25. I had spent the better part of 2 years from my 23rd birthday in trying to find a doctor in town that would help me. I found none. No one in this town would lift a finger to help me. When I tried discussing my issues with the people who were supposed to be my health care professionals they forwarded me the Asylums. Mental Health Clinics that wanted me to sign over my rights to them. That isn't what I asked for, thanks for all the help.

So the week before I turned 25, after getting home, after having one last day out with my ex, I'd probably never see her again. I went to my bathroom. Cleaned myself, washed every inch of me. Got dressed in my nicest clothes. Wrote a letter apologizing for being a failure, for being a freak, for have no sense of control. And I apologized to myself. I folded the letter up, put it in the pocket of my shirt. I picked my rifle up, single loaded one round into the chamber, closed the chamber and held the rifle in my hands.

I thought about it again. I probably sat there for an hour, stewing, not knowing if I could actually do this. I laid down, I put the barrel into mouth, Put my finger on the safety to turn it off...

And my phone rang.

I pulled it out from where I put it, checked the message, It was my friend Angie. We talked. I don't even remember what about. But afterwards, I went online and checked some sites. I sent some messages to people in Jacksonville. And I met Erin.

God, I don't know why you joke with me so much. She had to be a red head. I love and loath red heads. I do not know why. They enter my life, teach me something about myself, then flitter away like nothing happened, but I'm changed forever.

Erin changed me forever.

Erin was lovely, a few years younger then me, very shy, very quiet. Cute as a button. Lovely.
I fell in love with her almost instantly. I still love her deeply.

She is trans, she had been transitioning since high school. She was active in a few social circles online that supported trans people. I told her I had been having issues with my Gender. She smiled and told me everything would be ok. She slowly walked me through the dangers of self medicating. But the benefits as well, and I thank her so much for the patience she had with me.

A few days later, My birthday, I started taking Estrogen (Estrace) and Anti-Androgens (Spironolactone). Within a week, the suicidal thoughts were gone. Withing two weeks the anger and hatred I had for the whole world was gone. Within a month I was losing weight, something I hadn't done in years. By the time Christmas came around, it was 6 months and I was getting ma'amed in public, even when in guy mode.

I had breast growth, I had emotional highs and lows, I was falling in love constantly. I was going through a second puberty. This time, it wasn't hell. It was paradise.