My Humble Abode

New Video

2017-06-13T02:52:00.002+08:00

Another video from Not Your Ordinary Girls is up! Just click the video to watch or if it doesn't work here's the link: http://bit.ly/chibogtime. Thanks! :)

Finally!

2017-06-06T22:05:00.004+08:00

Finally our youtube channel is up and running!! Feel free to watch our very first video http://bit.ly/2rHVTvW Cheers!! :)

Unsent Message

2017-03-11T13:00:00.001+08:00

I looked through our conversations when we used to be on cloud nine and in love, these were the times you told me how lucky you are to have a girl like me, how thankful you are because you never received such love I was giving to you and whatever happens, you will never let me go. The words you said mean everything to me and it stabs my heart, realizing that these words mean nothing anymore. I can’t help myself but to cry my heart out till the sun has set. The pain is too heavy to bear, the love I believed to be true and different was gone. We used to be over the moon, but the present tells the opposite. This is stupid of me to say but, I won’t deny the fact that I miss you so much. I love you, I still do. But somehow, I’ve come with the thought that I can’t do anything anymore, I need to let you go because it’s the right thing to do. I’ve decided to finally move on and this would be the last time I would cry over you because there was nothing left to hold on to and I can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be held.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I was the reason why you let things end. I’m sorry for the terrible mistake I made, I never blamed you for deciding to end this because you were hurt and I understand. I only have myself to blame. But, I was hoping you would’ve understood, that I did it for us. I always feared the day would come, the day you will finally won’t take back the words you’ve said. I’m sorry for the other things that have hurt you, for the things that made you cry, jealous and mad.

Thank you. I’m thankful that I met you because you have given me a temporary bliss. I laughed and smiled because of you. Somehow, you made me feel loved and beautiful in a short period of time. Thank you for the good days: the days we felt unstoppable like we’re flying high, when holding your hand felt like home, leaning on your shoulders made me feel secure and hearing your voice sound like the angels are singing. It was worth it, being loved and loving you. Thank you for making me realize how capable I am to love someone. You proved forever within a number of days. You were the greatest and worst thing ever happen to me.

Goodbye. This will be the last time that I will write you a message, I’ll accept the fact that some things are meant to end, even though I used to believe that you won’t let that happen. I did everything I could to make you stay, but I guess your life no longer includes me because, you’re happy now and I can see that clearly. You already found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. I hope you find overwhelming joy by her side, I hope she won’t hurt you and make you cry. I hope for the best for the both of you. It hurts but I’ve accepted the painful truth that I am just a distant memory now. I don’t regret loving you, but what I regret is that I let myself believe that this would last.

I won’t forget you and the memories, I will always keep you alive in my heart. I’ll just get used to not having you in my life anymore. Deep within my heart knows getting over you won’t be simple. I need to stop loving you so I can start loving myself again. You were a painful blessing, but you were also a great lesson. I guess you’re just another chapter of my life needed to end. I still and will pray for your safety and happiness even though I’m in pain right now, I still believe you deserve the best. I hope you find everything in her that you couldn’t find in me. You will always be my greatest love.

Ten things to do in 2017

2017-01-03T16:41:00.001+08:00

1. Take it a day at a time. You don’t have to know what you’re doing the next day or even the next hour. I’ve learned that the more you think in the future, the shorter the day seems and the months fly past you and you’re left feeling discontent and unsatisfied. It’s almost like everything has been in a blur, and you find yourself saying, “the year went by so fast”, even though you haven’t accomplished much. So do everything in the moment of ‘now’, and cherish each minute like it’s the last minute you have.

2. Let it go. You know nothing is going to change, because you can’t change people unless they truly want to and you can’t change the past either, and the sooner you realize this, you will spend more time being happy than in a constant battle with your mind and your heart. They need to rest too.

3. Take risks. If you never take any, the moment that turned out for the worst could have turned out for the best. This works vice-versa as well, but either way, you will learn from these experiences. You won’t forget how rapidly your heart was beating in these moments and how electric you felt. It will be worth it in the end, trust me.

4. Call up that person that you didn’t spend enough time getting to know, simply because you were too distracted with somebody else or just didn’t feel like you’d become something more than acquaintances. Greet strangers and embrace the idea of diversity. Ask questions about different cultures, morals, ideas, beliefs; educate yourself as much as you can.

5. Go ahead and wear that outfit you keep telling yourself that it doesn’t look good on you. You bought it because you liked it, yes? So, show it to the whole damn world. If you do it with a smile and confidently squared shoulders—even better. You are beautiful.

6. Instead of procrastinating and wallowing in self-pity, get up and do something. Sitting around is not going to do much but make you feel horrible, and you’ll create scenarios that may not even exist or be as big in your head that will cause matters to become worse. You want this to be your year of explosive progress? Set goals and strive to achieve them. You want to look back at the end of the year and say, “I did good”.

7. Spend more time with your family or friends. Build a support system so strong, that you will never feel lonely. In fact, this support system will lead you to feeling content even when you are alone, because you won’t feel the constant need to either be with someone or have somebody who loves you, because you know you’ll have people who love you and the more love you surround yourself with, the easier it becomes to love yourself too.

8. Be kind always and be angry when you need to be. Stand up for the ideas that you believe in and don’t back down from them just because you have a different opinion. Learn to love the sound of your voice when it bounces off the walls of a classroom full of people, because your voice has the power to change a million minds. Remember, you are allowed to feel whatever it is you feel.

9. Go on more road trips or just take a few minutes to be outside by yourself. Inhale and exhale the air around you. Watch the stars, the sunset, the sunrise, the birds flying in the sky, the cars passing by. Walk in the rain sometimes without an umbrella, instead of running. Let the sunlight soak your skin more often. God, isn’t the world itself beautiful?

10. Be faithful. This is the year you hoped to be better. Don’t let anything stop you from achieving that, because you are limitless as long as you believe yourself to be.

”

Break-up advice.

2016-11-02T05:10:00.001+08:00

It will be hard. Suddenly small things will become big and tricky, people will keep asking if you’re okay, and you will say yes because it’s easier, but really you’re hurting. You may have a period of time where you don’t want to eat much, because you feel sick at the thought of a world without them or you might eat too much, you might have sleepless nights but you might sleep to get away from it all. Everything will remind you of them. Occasionally you may just be getting along with your day and catch a scent that reminds you of a time you spent together, and suddenly you’re a mess. You might be having a great day with friends and out of the blue you have to excuse yourself because someone mentioned something related to them and you got that burning feeling in your throat again.

You may play moments you shared over and over and wonder whether you were stupid to end it, but please remember to not regret it. You made that decision for a reason and don’t go back to them just for fear of being lonely. You deserve someone who gives you the things that they didn’t give you.

The best thing you can do is fake it until you make it. Take photos of yourself laughing uncontrollably, dance around when nobody is watching, tell yourself you are better off without them, and slowly you will start to believe it. It may take weeks or months or years, but one day there won’t be a pile of screwed up tissues by your bed, and you won’t have that dream again. One day you won’t check their Facebook before you go to sleep, you will just fall asleep, the way you did before. One day you will be able to eat their favourite food without thinking about them. One day you will be able to go to that cinema where you had your first date, and you won’t be consumed with memories, you will just be going to see a movie.

They may still cross your mind occasionally, but one day you will wake up and they won’t be your first thought any more.

New Me: Days 6-9/28

2016-09-29T22:33:00.001+08:00

I have been MIA in the past days because I am disappointed with myself. As usual I always took my pills on time and still regulate my food intake and drink lots of water. I have noticed that on the past days, I am not losing any weight. I am a bit disappointed of what was happening to me. Moving forward, I promised myself to eat only once starting tomorrow and replace the 2 remaining meals with water. I am so desperate to lose weight and I will do anything to achieve my goals. I am also planning to do some cardio exercises tomorrow.

Starting weight: 70 kilos

Target weight: 50 kilos

2016-09-21T09:02:00.001+08:00

Ever since I was a kid, I am always the fat one, the big one and the one who is always been bullied. I always wanted to have a slim figure because that's what I believed is beautiful. And since I love to eat, I have been gaining weight over my elementary and highschool days. People were always fat shaming me and I have heard all the bad stuff that life can offer.

When I entered college in 2007, I got conscious because I see beautiful girls around and they are slim. From then on I challenged myself that I should get slim as well. And yes I succeeded. With my friends, we had our baon and it is consisted on fish salad and fruits and we rarely eat at the school cafeteria. I was able to maintained the figure of my dreams until I shifted course and went through hell. To cut the long story short, I have new set of friends who loves to eat, school works is stressing me out and I am on the peak where I love to drink and party. Days, weeks, months passed and I didn't realize that I am gaining weight. I continued the lifestyle where I binge eat whenever I am stressed.

I was still big when I started working and gained more weight since I was working night shift and I have to eat so for me not to get sleepy. My body adapted so well that my parents started getting worried about my weight and lifestyle. After a few years of working, I decided to quit. I focused on challenging myself again to get to the old figure that I was. I went exercising, diet, and healthy lifestyle but it didn't worked out. I also tried fat burning supplements that promises you to lose weight but it also didn't worked. Though from changing my lifestyle, I was able to shed some of the bulge in my body.

Then come 2016. I was given the opportunity to travel to Japan and spend a few months there. It was a dream come true for me and by the time I was in Japan, I was fascinated by the different things I saw specially food. Whenever and wherever I go, I always tried eating all sorts of food. I totally forgot to control myself. Last July, I also went to Thailand with my mom and went crazy over food again since it was my first time tasting and having Thai food. Again, I was not able to control myself and my mom got mad because I am size L now from M. Then I went back to Japan again last month and from then on I can't stop myself from eating and that I was on my heaviest weight ever which is 70 kilos.

Now realizations are coming to my head. I am getting heavy and unhealthy. I need a new plan for myself. I need to change myself. This is where I decided that I will go back to the 50 kilos me and try using a new method to lose weight. I am so desperate that I ordered Bangkok Pills online from a legit seller (IG: elitecurve) and she recommended that for first time users to take strong dosage. I got my pills yesterday and we'll see what will happen to the next 28 days. I will be updating my blog everyday through my journey.

Current weight: 70 kilos

Target weight: 50 kilos

Yes It Will Be HARD

2016-08-15T00:55:00.001+08:00

They may still cross your mind occasionally, but one day you will wake up and they won’t be your first thought any more.

REVIEW: Lush's Herbalism

2016-06-30T20:49:00.001+08:00

Hi guys!!

Finally I am back for a new product review. I've been busy this past month and it is just now that I got the time to make a review again. I have been in Japan for the last 2 months and was on the hunt for a good and gentle cleanser for my oily/acne prone skin at some point.

For some of you might not know that I have a super oily skin, breakouts and acne on my face. I don't know what happen but this started last 2015. I kid you not guys but I have tried several products to help combat the oiliness and acne on my face but none of them worked.

Last June 14, I went to Namba, Osaka to do some shopping since there was a lot of sale. While walking to these rows of stores, I passed by Lush. I was not intending to buy anything and I was just looking around. Then suddenly I went to their facial wash section and something caught my eye. A black pot with green stuff on it that looks like marijuana of some sort. I got intrigued so I decided to check on it and it was a facial was/scrub for troubled skin and this is called Herbalism.

According to Lush's UK website, Herbalism contains Nettles, rosemary and rice bran vinegar work to cleanse the skin, removing dirt and grease, leaving bright and beautifully clean skin. Chamomile blue oil and rose absolute are used for balancing skin tone. Rice bran and ground almonds will gently exfoliate the skin and when mixed with water, the almonds create a soft cleansing milk. Our chlorophyllin is extracted from alfalfa, which is rich in vitamins and minerals and is great for revitalising the skin.

These products were very good for the skin since there are no harsh chemicals included in the face wash. I did some research online about Herbalism and found out good things about it though some would get turned off by the smell because of the rice bran vinegar.

That is how the product looks like. I instantly bought the biggest pot for ¥2,800 or around Php 1,200. The first time I used the product, it didn't bother me at all. The smell is tolerable for me and somehow liked it after using for weeks.

The product is quite tricky to use at first because you have to get a small amount of the product and mix it with water. The first time I used it, I added to much water that it made it so watery and not pasty as what it should be. The correct way was putting just a little water to turn the product into a paste. I love the green color of the product and it was a gentle exfoliant for my face.

Sorry for my swelling face and this was taken early in the morning. That's how the product looks on my face. I gave my face a 5 minute massage so that my skin gets exfoliated with the good ingredients of herbalism. Then I rinse my face with water. After that, my skin feels fresh, soft and moisturizes. It doesn't leave my face dry and tight just like those facial wash that I have used before.

My final verdict about this product after just using for weeks is that it made my skin moisturized and calmed from those stubborn acne. I also noticed that my skin is getting clearer and no new pimple is showing. I guess the product is really working for me. This is such a great find for me. I will definitely purchase another pot once this is gone.

Rating:

10/10

This is it for today guys. Watch out for more reviews coming since I got a lot of haul from my recent Japan trip. Keep calm and stay fabulous.

Love Lots,

Kim ⭐️⭐️⭐️

PARA SA MGA MAGAGANDANG DILAG NA NAGBABASA NITO

2016-06-03T01:47:00.001+08:00

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng mababago yung pananaw mo sa buhay.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng mahal na mahal ka at nirerespeto ka.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi ka hahayaang magisip ng kung ano-ano. Yung hindi ka hahayaang maparanoid.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng bibigyan ka ng assurance.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng nararamdaman yung pagtatampo mo at alam nya din yung puno’t dulo noon.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi lang sex ang habol sayo. Yung tipong hindi ka ginagawang pasarapan. Hindi tulad noong iba na kapag nakaraos na hindi kana tinuturing na girlfriend.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng pupuntahan ka kapag alam niyang mag-isa ka. Lalo na kapag nalaman nyang nagiinom ka magisa.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi pipigilan yung passion mo sa isang bagay lalo na’t alam niyang may talento kang maipagmamalaki.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng ikaw yung palaging bukambibig hindi lang dahil sa bago pa lang ang relasyon nyo, pero dahil sa marami siyang maipagmamalaking bagay tungkol sayo kahit na mababa ang self-confidence mo.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng grabe mag-alala kapag hindi ka nya macontact o kapag wala kapa sa bahay. Yung hahanapin ka at ipagtatanong ka sa mga kaibigan mo kasi alam niyang babae ka at delikado na lalo pa’t dis oras na ng gabi.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng makikitext sa iba kasi lobat na cellphone nila at alam nilang mag-aalala ka.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi ka sasaktan ng pisikal.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi ka papaasahin at marunong tumupad ng pangako.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng walang pake kahit hindi ka maganda sa mata ng iba. Yung lalakeng sasabihin sayong maganda ka.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng hindi ka susukuan kahit na yung ugali mo kung minsa'y hindi na maintindihan.

Sana makahanap ka ng lalakeng maganda ang kalooban hindi yung lalakeng gwapo nga ginagago ka naman.

Ito yung mga kadalasang hinihiling ng mga babae. Sana magising na tayo sa katotohanan.

Scared To Love

2016-06-01T22:53:00.001+08:00

I’m afraid to fall in love. Maybe because I cannot control myself, my emotion and the love I give. Yes. It’s scary when I fall in love because even if I am not capable of giving something, surprisingly I come up with an idea to make it possible. It’s really scary because I’ll be willing to risk everything in the name of love. Some may think I’m obsessed. No I am not. In fact when someone wants to go, I let them. I do not run after them, I let them realize that they made a wrong decision and when they come back; guess what, I still welcome them with open arms. It’s really scary isn’t it? The worst thing is, I come unappreciated. They always take me for granted. Every one of them, all of the past relationships I had. Maybe it’s because they know that I will be there no matter what. Maybe because they know that I love them too much.

I hope next time love would be fair. I hope if ever it’ll play another game it’ll let me know beforehand so I’ll come up with a good tactic. So I’ll win the game, so it will not leave me weeping.

Another scary thing when I fall in love is; I can’t get over it easily. It takes years to forget someone whom I really love. Yes years. It took me 2 years to get over with my first love. But none the less, I am happy finding myself again and putting back the pieces of me that was once shattered.

Dear Future

2016-05-31T22:52:00.001+08:00

Dear future boyfriend,

- you’re not allowed to have the passcode to my phone

- you’re not allowed to tell me what to wear/call me a slut for what i wear. you’re my boyfriend not my keeper

- under no circumstances can you put your hands on me unless I say it’s ok

- you’re not allowed to tell me what I can and cannot do with my body and life. If I wanna cut or dye or straighten my hair or wear 5 layers or nothing at all, I will. If I wanna travel and you wanna stay where you are cool, I’m not staying with you

- I will not depend on you for everything

- I will not put up with mind games

treat me the way you’d want your future daughter to be treated. treat me the way I treat you

- I will not drop everything I’m doing to be with you

- I will not compete for you

- Dependency isn’t cute. Clingyness isn’t cute.

- I won’t tolerate secondhand compliments

-I will not beg you to stay

I JUST......

2016-05-31T17:06:00.001+08:00

I just wanna fall in love and be in love. I wanna experience the thought of finally being with someone that I really really like. I always end up either I’m the one whose crazy or he’s the one who loves me. I just wanna feel that same mutual feelings or understanding. its just that I never had the chance and I’m not sure when will i ever gonna have it. Timing is a bit bullshit to me. Haha not that I’m being desperate or what but It’s been hella a lifetime, 25 years of existence in this world and still no Boyfriend after the last one. I mean i just really wanna feel it. Haha but, ohwell bahala na si batman. Deputa. Reasons why I don’t entertain my thoughts on these things. Back to focusing on my career nalang leche haha.

Paguriran Island: My First Solo Backpacking Trip of 2016

2016-02-23T01:46:00.001+08:00

It has been on my New Year's list to travel more for the upcoming year and every year I failed to do so. Since I moved here in Bicol to pursue my Master's degree last 2014, I've only visited a few places here in Albay like Ligñon Hill, Embarcadero, Busay Falls, Legazpi Boulevard and the like.

Last February 14, yes it's Valentines Day, I bravely went to Paguriran Island in Brgy. Sawanga, Bacon, Sorsogon all by myself. The weather is not that good during that day. There were scattered showers all over Bicol region and it was high tide.

How to go to Paguriran Island:

There are several ways of going to Paguriran Island.

-If you are coming from Legazpi City just like me, all you have to do is go to the Legazpi City Grand Terminal and look for the van that goes straight to Sorsogon. The vans going to Sprsogon are in front of Savemore. The first trip is at 6:00am and the fare is Php 90.00.

-If you are from Daraga, you can just go to the Daraga Terminal near Shell Gas Station and there are buses and vans going to Sorsogon.

-Another thing that I've learned from chit chatting with the driver is that there are 2 Savemore in Sorsogon City which is your last stop. The old one is beside the church and the new one in in front of Camp something. Be sure to tell the driver that you will go down the new Savemore. Travel time will be 1.5 hours.

-Once you've reached the new Savemore, walk a bit on the left side of the building and there you will see jeepneys bound for Bacon. Be sure to ride the jeep that says, Sawanga-Bacon-Sorsogon.

-Travel tine to Sawanga from Sorsogon City is around an hour and fare is Php 40.00. You'll see signage on the left side of the road with arrows leading you to Paguriran Island. Or simply tell the driver to drop you at Paguriran Island Resort. Once in there, just walk a few steps to the resort and you're good to enjoy.

-Another tip that I could share when commuting to the area is that you must go back to the city before 4:00pm since there will be no more available jeeps.

Here are some of the photos taken during my trip:

APP of the Month: Talk2

2015-11-10T23:11:00.001+08:00

Get 50 SMS to the Philippines for FREE when you use my promo code TALK2SZEGA. Download Talk2 now! http://bit.ly/1rX2nhI

REVIEW: ChapIce Revo Lip Balm

2015-11-03T13:58:00.001+08:00

It Have you ever experienced losing your lip balms during those times that you needed it the most? In my case, I have lost a lot of lip balms. I have tried different stick balms but since December is coming and the waether here in the Philippines is getting colder, I am in need of a lip balm that will moisturize my lips.

Just this morning, I was strolling around SM Southmall and I passed by Watsons. I was looking around for things that I can buy and then I went to the Face section to look for moisturizers then something caught my attention. It was the ChapIce Revo Lip Balm. It was like the EOS Lip Balm which comes in 2 sizes. But I got the smaller one since it is way cuter.

This is by far the cutest lip balm that I have ever had. I got mine in watermelon and I guess there are other 2 "flavors" available and I am not sure what are them. By the way I got this for only Php 69.00 at Watsons and the bigger one is for Php 109.00. I used it once and I cant get enough of the watermelon scent and it glides smoothly on the lips. It is moisturizing and my chapped lips are gone. :)

I hope you could give this a try. It's not only cute but it also moisturizes you lips plus the nice scent is quite addicting.

Love lots,

Kiyam ❤️❤️❤️

Dear Future BF

2015-10-08T03:46:00.001+08:00

Dear future boyfriend

Hindi man ako ‘yung pinaka-maganda, alam ko naman sa sarili kong hindi kita lolokohin kahit may nagpaparamdam na iba. Hindi man ako 'yung girl-of-your-dreams na kinakabaliwan ng mga lalake, sisiguraduhin ko namang dumating man ang panahon na may lalake sa harap ko, hindi kita ipagpapalit dahil sa milyong milyong lalake sa mundo, Ikaw ang mahal ko. Araw-araw akong magiging thankful dahil kada-gising ko sa umaga, alam kong andyan ka’t akin ka. At alam kong may taong katulad mong proud dahil ako'y sayo. Gustong gusto na kita makasama. Sana dumating kana.

Nag hihintay pa din, Kim

Love At First Sight

2015-10-02T19:45:00.001+08:00

I often doubt the thing that there is love at first sight. I would always say that there is no such thing as that. But not until recently that I was able to feel the feeling of loving the person at first sight.

Maybe it was just fate but I was introduced to this guy and boom. I fell in love right away. He was an epitome of what you call Tall, Dark and Handsome. I have felt this sudden kilig whenever I saw him. Not to mention, he has a nice voice. I like it when he sang It Might Be You. I felt that he was singing it for me at that time.

I can't even continue this post because I am with him at the party and I love how he handles kid. I just hope that God will answer all my prayers.

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

2015-09-28T23:26:00.001+08:00

How to lose weight;

HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN

And not just broken; shattered. Into itsy bitsy tiny little pieces, by a girl who never loved you and never will. Join the gym at your work. Start going to the gym regularly, and even though you don’t know that much about exercise and you’re way too weak to do pretty much anything but lift 5 lb weights and use the elliptical machines with the old people, do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor. Then go home and go to bed early and the next day do it again. And then again. And then again.

Listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend fucking around with gross and terrible people, stories from your friends who think they are doing you a favor. Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat. Buy books. Learn about different muscle groups and how they work together. Start eating healthy. Learn about nutrition. Plan out your week of meals. Try to forget her.

After work one night, go up up up all the way to the top floor of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back. Look out at the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person. Try to imagine how they feel. What they’re doing right then; if they miss someone special, if they wonder if someone special misses them. Then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them except for a custodian or two. Realize you are alone, that you are staring at no one. Turn your collar up against the cold and drive home to a meal of a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. Go to sleep. Go back to work. Go to the gym. Sweat.

Buy a scale. Pick a goal weight. Imagine the goal weight as a shining beacon on a hill. You are at the bottom, in the dark. Talk to her at work. Notice the awkward way she walks in high heels and her goofy smile when she looks over at you. Feel something clench inside your chest. Think about the gym and what muscle groups you are going to work that night.

Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death. Think of how bad she makes you feel. Find the strength to keep going.

Late one night, make the mistake of looking at her Facebook and Instagram posts. Feel lower than you ever thought possible. Unfriend her and try to forget what you’ve seen. She is doing things with other people that you asked her to do with you. She is having a great time without you, and you are wasting your life listening to Taylor Swift on repeat and making sweat puddles on a gym floor.

Watch as your life shrinks down to four things: 1.) work, 2.) the gym, 3.) the food you eat, 4.) sleep. She wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that she got it “from someone who’s really special”. That night you discover that Slayer’s “Angel of Death” might be the perfect song to do squats to.

Start to make friends at the gym. Vince and you spot each other on Wednesdays; Chase and you spot each other on Fridays. You used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps – but since that’s how gym rats communicate, that’s become the language you speak most often. Work, Gym, Food, Sleep. Over and over. More sweat puddles. More fist bumps. You run hundreds of miles and lift thousands of pounds.

You start to see new people working out here and there and you realize you have done something you once thought impossible: You have become one of the regulars. Once in a while, you are the last one leaving the gym. You make a point to get to the gym earlier, but your workouts start to stretch from one hour to ninety minutes to two hours. You are now routinely the last person at the gym. You run. You lift. You make more puddles.

Your body changes slowly, then all at once – you are suddenly thin and muscular. You hit your goal weight, pick a new one, then hit it again. You go out and buy new clothes. You receive wave after wave of compliments. Your ex tells you that she’s seeing someone else. Your chest clenches. You feel exhausted.

That night you go to the gym. You listen to all her favorite songs. You run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of. It is a good workout. It leaves you numb. You go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. You go to sleep. You dream of a bottomless black puddle.

You’ve stopped drinking alcohol months ago, so now when you hang out at bars or parties you don’t talk to anyone new. But with your new body and new clothes, gorgeous women hit on you constantly. One time, a woman literally comes up to you and says she thinks you’d be good in bed and hands you a napkin with her number on it. As she is talking to you, her hand resting on your chest inside your shirt, all you can think of is how badly you need to beat your best time sprinting across the park across from your house the next day. That night when you get home you research the best shoes for trail running and click “buy”. The shoes are a hundred dollars. The phone number goes in the trash.

There is a girl you see a lot at the gym, who always does these weird leg exercises you’ve never seen before. She’s beautiful. You make it a point to not look at her – because you are overly worried about looking creepy like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pulldown machine – but you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are, and seems to always choose the bench next to you. You turn up the Slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger.

Your ex parades her new boyfriend around, flatly ignoring you the entire time. He is taller than you, more ripped than you, better looking than you, and – according to the Greek chorus of your mutual friends – he comes from money. As you watch her introduce him to everyone but you, you remember how her blue eyes lit up underneath the ferris wheel on her birthday when you gave her those bracelets she’s wearing. In your pocket, your hand makes itself into a fist.

That night, you deadlift your body weight. You sneak a photo of yourself in the mirror and email it to yourself with the subject heading “You Are A Warrior”. The next day you are disgusted with yourself and delete it.

You make puddle after puddle after puddle and eat single chicken breasts and work and sleep and the weather gets warm and then gets cold and you know all of Taylor Swift’s songs by heart and the only things that exist in the entire universe are you and The Gym and then something different happens: a night comes where you are not the last person in the gym.

It is you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises. You end up walking out at the same time.

Her name is Melissa and she works in the building next to you. She’s worked there for two years. She asks you out to dinner on Friday, promising it’ll be healthy. The leg exercises are Pivoting Curtsy Lunges.

You start seeing Melissa a lot, both inside the gym and out. You tell no one. You add a couple cheat days to your week – for when you two get dinner and share dessert – and you start getting a lot less sleep. You phase out Slayer in favor of Springsteen. Vince and Chase note that you’ve stopped looking like you’re praying for death when you run. Your ex texts you late at night to ask you out to coffee, but you don’t write her back. You can’t remember the last time you fantasized about puddles.

One night you’re walking Melissa to her car in the parking garage and she is parked up up up all the way on the top floor. She says she wants to show you something and she takes your hand and leads you all the way to the back. You both stand there in the dark looking out over the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” She says. “All those lights.”

You tell her that yes, it’s beautiful, but it makes you sad. All those pretty lights mean nothing; they’re just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them. Melissa squeezes your hand and says yes, each light is an empty office – but they’re only empty because the people have all gone home for the day. All those twinkling lights aren’t sad; each one is a person who’s at home, happy with the one they love. And how romantic is that?

You look at her in the lights and she smiles. Something in your chest expands.

Late one Sunday afternoon you are writing out your rent check and realize it’s been exactly a year since you started working out. You think of all those miles you’ve run and those pounds you’ve lifted and chicken you’ve eaten and puddles you’ve made. It doesn’t seem that bad. You realize that it’s not about hitting a goal weight, or lifting a weight. It’s about being able to wait. Waiting, being patient, and trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will eventually get better. After all, change takes time.

But time is all it takes.

**credits to the one who wrote this

On Growing Up

2015-08-28T09:53:00.002+08:00

Your close friend becomes your worst enemy. Your boyfriend becomes a prick. Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings, race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game, the only drug you knew was cough medicine. Wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The only things that hurt you were skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

And just think, we couldn’t wait to grow up...

Am I the only one that agrees with this 100%?