Purveyor Of All Things Appropriately Inappropriate

And My Weekend Went A Little Something Like This, Breezy Taught Me, Let's Go Skiing, and Reminiscing With Ms. Ross

2011-03-06T18:40:00.000-08:00

Good Morning fuck nuts! I'm up and at 'em early, and I hope you guys are as well. It was a gross rainy weekend here in DC, but I tried to make the best of it. On Friday I went to TOP Chef LOVE. Three area chefs were at competing to become head chef at an area nightclub. There were food tastings, and wine pairings. I arrived kind of late so you know all of the Black people had already eaten most of the food. It's a "tasting" people. The intention is not for you to get "full". Ugh! I swear those Blacks will NEVER learn.

After the competition I headed over to MOCA, an art gallery in Georgetown. There was an erotic art exhibit. They had body painting, erotic tattooing and piercing as well. It was interesting. I've been to events like this before in New York, just never in DC. The bodies of the nude models in New York were a little tighter than this...

It was on some HBO 'Real Sex' ish. I'm sure if we stayed another hour, people would have been fucking. I would have stayed to watch and perhaps be a participant if the crowd were hotter. (shrugs)

Since they weren't it was time to hit up my Bourbon Steak for all my favorites. The burger, KFC (chicken wings done their way), duck fat fries, and a pear brandy sidecar.

I was in heaven after that, but still wasn't fulfilled. So off to Ruth's Chris it was for dessert. I saw my girls there, so we had a blast talking. My boy was spinning so we headed over to MUSE to support. There was drama at the door with some punk ass security guard, so I couldn't see going in. He had the nerve to tell me to "step the fuck back". Huh? I'm so confused why anyone who makes $10 an hour to stand outside in the cold to pat people down would ever think they could speak to me like that? After I gave him a big chunk of my mind, I was out like Ricky Martin. Who wants to go to MUSE anyway? Thanks for the favor rude ape looking doorman with bear belly.

After all that dram, it was time for bed. On Saturday I woke up for a morning meeting, and spent the rest of the day vegging. Yesterday I woke up for church. I had a great time there, and the message was right on time. After getting my praise on, I did grocery shopping and came home and cooked like the nice househusband I will be one day. Besides, I needed to eat and get my strength for all of the reality television i'd be watching. Last night topping my reality list was 'Celebrity Apprentice', 'Basketball Wives', and 'Real Housewives of OC'. I overdosed on reality television and Girl Scout cookies last night. At one point I think I even tried to eat the cardboard box. Screw those Girl Scouts whores for tempting me every year around this time! It's tragic. That's why my ass is headed to the gym in 5...4...3...2...

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BREEZY TAUGHT ME

NSFW

Ummm yeah, so you know my heart skipped a beat when I finally saw the "leaked" Chris Brown nude pictures. You have no idea what this man does to me, or more importantly what I'd like him to do to me. Now I know that he is well equipped to please. I'm not a size queen, but it's pretty big already and no where near erect. I knew Rihanna stuck around for a reason...

...and this is it.

The pics were of course conveniently "leaked" right around the time of his new project, but who cares. I'm all for shameless promotion, especially if it looks like that. Damn Chris, "Gimme Dat".

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BOBBI KRIS

So like you guys were surprised when the pictures of Bobbi Kristina snorting coke surfaced? It's in her blood--no literally it's really in her blood! From all of the coke Bobby and Whitney did before, during, and after their pregnancy? I think Whitney was high in the 'I'm Every Woman' video, and she was 8 or 9 months preggers with Bobbi Kris then.

So, Bobbi Kris who just turned 18 pulled the Marion Barry. She said that some bitch set her up. It doesn't look like anyone was setting her up here they way she's snorting that booger sugar. Instead of chanting "chug, chug, chug, chug, chug", were they chanting "snort, snort, snort, snort, snort"? She looks so comfortable doing it. I guess you can't fuck with you genetic code?

How sweet. Like mother, like daughter. I wonder if Whitney bought her an engraved coke spoon for her 18th birthday. So sentimental...(grabs tissue to weep)

I swear she's high. Look at how she says "Chaka Khan" at the 4 minute 35 sec mark. I'm just saying, her eyes look a little "crackish".

Hopefully Bobbi Kris gets help, and soon so she can go on the last season of Oprah and talk about it. Help her Lord!

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FLASHBACK: DIANA

Speaking of God, I mean Oprah, I had forgotten how over Diana was until she was on her show last week. She was the gayest cunt ever! I guess you can't help to not feel yourself when you're in all of that drag (hair/makeup/costumes).

Check out this clip from a 1981 television program. Get into her luxe fur, and how she just throws it to the ground!

I wish I were around in the late 70's/early 80's. I would snorted mounds of coke and danced ALL night at the discos in high waisted crystal encrusted jeans. It looked like soooo much fun. Who has a time machine I can borrow?

I Am Not My Hair, Drunkguilera?, Hitler for Christian Dior, and I'm So Confused...

2011-03-02T06:23:00.000-08:00

Morning lovelies, It seems that we know know the day that God will descend down from heaven onto earth--May 25, 2011...

It's Oprah's last show. I can't wait to see what she's gonna give away, how many lambs she'll sacrifice live on air, and what Andre will do to her hair for the final wahoo! I've grown up with Oprah. She's been on air for 25, so by me being 21 (coughs), I've only missed 4 years of programming. I'll just Youtube it. Congrats to God, I mean Oprah on her future endeavors.

Justin Beiber cut his mop.

But in BIGGER news my husband Chris Brown dyed his hair blonde. I love it. It's conjuring a little Sisqo tea, but I still love it. He can do no wrong in my eyes. He even looked good in his community service uniform, only a fine man can do that. He's supposedly dating some whore, but if that bitch knows what's good for her, she'll stay away from my man. If you know that bitch, tell her I'm looking for her...lol.

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Drunkguilera?

Ms. Christina "Come on over baby genie in a bottle" Aguilera was arrested the other day for being drunk in public. It was said that she was completely disoriented, and had no clue where she was or what was going on. So I get it now. This totally explain the Superbowl blunder. We learned that shit in kindergarten son. Who messes up The Star Spangled Banner? That's kind of like fucking up your ABC's, because you did learn all that shit around the same time.

Anyway, I not knocking her for her drunken nights out in LA, because I've had many myself. Next time Drunkguilera don't drink before you perform in front of millions of people. Probably not a swell idea eh?

Christina: (singing and rocking back and forth) Ooooooh say can you seeeeee by the Dawn dish detergent and the genie in the bottle of my Ja-ack Daniels. And the rockets red soles gave overproof liquor through the night...(falls over)

smh.

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Hitler for Christian Dior

It seems that someone (looks above) is a little bit racist. They say your true self comes out when you drink, but damn. Fashion designer John Galliano has been fired as Chief Designer of Christain Dior because of alleged grunken racist comments. He was in a Paris cafe where he said hateful things like, "I love Hitler", and "If Hitler were alive you'd be burned". Ummm, of course he loves Hitler, look at that moustache!

With all of the power jews buying Dior, they pulled his ass immediately. Sometimes people get a little too big for their designer britches. I'm sure he's not the only racist designer in the fashion industry. Let's get Karl Lagerfeld drunk, and see what he says. I wouldn't even care though, he's to amazing to be offended.

Karl Lagerfeld: In zee Sprwing niggerz aw out! White iz zee new Black! Zee Black peepul aw no longer relevhant. Ship all of zee Blacks back to Avfrika. They may be bhack in for zee Fall, but I can not promize anyzing! (fans himself with fan, and walks out of room)

I'd go get my skin bleached for blood! No bull.

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I'm So Confused...

I know I stay coming for Jennifer Hudson on my blog, but I though her dress that she wore to the Oscar's on Sunday was amazing. One small thing though. I understand that she lost weight and all, but could she do something with those saggy breast? They looked like two half emptied water balloons. I know there's a lot of access skin left from her recent shedding of the pounds, but damn. Maybe some cutlet inserts, or a quick express boob job? I blame her stylist. Stevie Wonder could have seen that it was wrong. All my attention went to her saggy baggies, and I forgot how pretty the dress was. She should have just worn a Jessica McClintock, because her breast fucked it up. Sorry Jen.

I'm so confused why Flo from 'The Bad Girls Club' has a show about her getting married. Do we care? I know I don't.

Who's the douche lord that married her anyway? Good luck because it looks like Flo's crotch smells like gasoline and corn chips. Ugh.

I'm so confused why Johnny Gill and Whitney Houston were singing like they were on 'BET Celebration of Gospel' at Bobby Brown's mothers funeral? Secondly, I'm mad at the person who tapped it and uploaded it to You Tube. Johnny hasn't had a hit since "My, My, My", but he tries to revive his career at a funeral? And we all know that Auntie Whitney's mind is deteriorated from all the weed laced with coke.

Any opportunity for me to play this clip...

Damn Whit!

Wow, I've done some nasty freaky filthy ass shit in the bedroom, but I ain't nevvvva started no fires. The news clip below explains how a New York woman paid a voodoo priest $300 to have sex with her to bring her good luck. I guess candles and shit were around the bed, and a fire started. Sadly enough, the fire took a woman's life and displaced many form their homes.

That's some good dick. If a shot of dick can give you good luck? AND she paid HIM? Wow. smh.

Oh, and vote for my blog on City Paper here...under "people and places" Do it!

God vs. Iyanla: Part Deux, Queen of Soul, Prince of Pop, Jenny From The Block, and He Gotta Dunk!

2011-02-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Whitney Houston & Georgia Mass Choir - I Love The Lord by Muzik..

I hoped you guys liked Auntie Whitney singing 'I Love The Lord' today. I needed some religion in my life. Every single time I try to do good, evil finds it's way in. I will not let the devil prevail, I'm a conqueror (shouts).

Speaking of religion, God, I mean Oprah is having part 2 of her conversation with Iyanla "ghetto hot ass mess I thought I had a deal with Barbara Walters, but se ruined my life and now I'm broke as shit" Vanzant. Part 1 was pretty steamy. Oprah read Iyanla, and told her many times that she wouldn't "accept" what Iyanla was saying, which in the streets means, "bitch please". I swear If I could be a fly on the wall when her and Gayle are having intimate pillow talk.

Oprah: Girl, why did I interview Iyanla today? First of all she had the nerve to come on my show with some crazy ass looking green run over boots. Then she tried to lie to me talking about, "I didn't think you wanted me, I thought you wanted the work!"

Gayle: Girl, no she didn't! And what was her hair lookin' like?

Oprah: Chile, her head looked crazy ass usual. If she would have stayed with me, she could have bought all the lace fronts that her heart desired.

Gayle: Girl, who you tellin? Don't act like I don't know. I told that bitch to stay.

Oprah: Dumb bitch. Makes for good tv on my last season though. Closure shit, I just want the final ratings.

Gayle: Hmmm, I know that's right. (silence) So ummm, what do you wanna do know?

Oprah: We 'bout to fuck. Now bring that ass over here! Tell Stedman to make me a peanut butter sandwich while he waits.

OMG. lol...I'm kidding, I'm kidding...

If Oprah's last Season couldn't get any gayer, Friday's show is Diana Ross! Miss "I'm coming out myself". Every time I here a song by Diana Ross, I just wanna have aggressive butt sex. She single handedly was responsible for leather men and butt-less chaps you know?

I'm guessing her and Oprah will dish dirt on her drinking problem, Berry Gordy, and how growing old is a mother fucker...

Damn.

If she's coming out, I'm going back in. I'm kidding (a little). Diana is still beautiful at 66! She could use a little work though.

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WENDY AND ARETHA

On Monday Wendy announced that she landed the first interview with Aretha Franklin since she'd been sick. What was Aretha thinking not giving her story to Oprah? Her last season? I love Wendy and all, but Oprah would have slayed her with beater accommodations and parting gifts. All she'll get from Wendy is a train ticket, and a night at the Motel 4, not even 6.

Did she NOT want that ponytail to match at all? Anyway, Aretha will be on Wendy next week to spill the tea. I'm hoping that she's feeling better. All hail the Drag Queen of Soul!

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GIMME THAT!

Chris "I'm fine as hell, but I'll whoop that ass" Brown was in court with his lawyer, and received an amendment to his restraining order against Rihanna. It seems that they can be in contact with each other now. Rihanna's camp had to ok the decision from the court. Ummmmm hmmmm, I'm sure we'll see them canoodling together soon. You can't run from good dick, it ALWAYS seems to find you. Ughhhhh!

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JENNY FROM THE BLOCK

Jennifer Aniston got a haircut! (cickets) Hey, maybe you didn't hear me? I said that Jennifer Aniston got a haircut! (crickets get louder)

Who gives a fuck about Jennifer's new cut? It's all over the news like she's Gadhafi or some shit? All it is is a remix of her old Rachel hairstyle from the 90's...

Tell me it's not! A little bleach and a flat iron, and there you have it! Can she go away already?

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HE GOTTA DUNK!

I don't know much about Blake Griffin. All I know is that he plays (french accent) How do you say? Zee Bahztkitbull? and this past weekend at the dunk contest he gave me a stiffy by dunking over a car. If you missed it, here it is...

I missed my calling as a locker room towel boy...

So dreamy. Fin!

I'm Sorry 2011, Tiffany Pollard aka New York: A Moment In Black History,

2011-02-16T08:57:00.001-08:00

I'M SORRY 2011...

Ummm yeah, I'm sorry I've been busy. Between watching the OWN Network, shopping online, yoga class, sucking dick, and singing negro spirituals in honor of Black History Month, I've had no time to blog. I was also away for the weekend. Thanks to my boo for the getaway. (wink) Oh yeah, and weekend before last I was in New York celebrating my stepsister and fellow Housecunt Erika's birthday! Happy bday boo!

On top of EVERYTHING, been trying to get in shape for Summer. That's my new goal. Yesterday I took a noon strength training class at my gym. The instructor is an Army queen pre repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. The class was amazing. Just one small thing slipped my mind before class...I forgot to eat. After the hour long class I felt like I had a long night out with Lindsay Lohan. I was so light headed. The gym is only 4 blocks from my house, so I obviously walked there. I had to take a cab back home. Even in my near unconscious state I couldn't help but to think how amazing I was gonna look if I kept this whole not eating/strength training thing up. I don't even remember paying the cab driver. I stumbled upstairs, and layed on the bed. Next thing I know Oprah was almost on.

I felt much better after my nap. I went to the kitchen and made some mashed potatoes. My stomach couldn't take anything heavy after all of that trauma. So, the point of me telling you all this is that you guys HAVE TO STOP EATING FULL MEALS. I mean fainting is just a small price to pay for a flawless Summer body. Do you wanna be fat and conscious, or skinny and somewhere in a state between consciousness and not so much? I'm gonna go with the later. Summer is mere months away people. Don't say I didn't tell you...(wink)

Anywho, this past Monday was Valentine's Day. I hope all the ladies got fucked like DMX fucked Keisha in BELLY.

If you didn't, here is Chris Brown's performance of 'No Bullshit' from last Saturday's 'Saturday Night Live'. I'm warning you! Ladies (and power bottoms), grab an extra absorbent beach towel to ensure that you don't ruin your seat, cause it's sure to make you wet! It certainly gave me a stiffy.

Why didn't God make me that floor?

Wow, what was wrong with that Rihanna? I mean he didn't beat her that bad. Right? Nothing that a little makeup wouldn't cover! Ugh...

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TIFFANY POLLARD: A Moment in Black History...

Tiffany "New York" Pollard was born in Utica, New York in 1982. She was catapulted into "fame" through her role on reality show 'Flavor of Love'.

"New York" is a shrewd loud African American woman who never ceases to promote negative stereotypes. She has opened doors for other loud stereotypical Black women on reality television like Nene Leakes, Tammy from 'Basketball Wives', and the girl who is trying to find Chilli a date on 'What Chilli Wants'.

What better time than now to honor Tiffany "New York" Pollard for all of the great works that she's done in our community.

Even though her "15 minutes" are up, she is still trying to hold on to a thread of the so called fame she had. If that's not determination, I don't know what is.

"New York" has also done her part to improve race relations in this country...

Her synthetic weaves and hair pieces have also blazed trails. Now even White women like Kim Zolciak can wear wigs without feeling less than a woman or insecure.

On this the 16th day of Black History Month, let us all reflect on the good works of Tiffany "New York" Pollard. This has been a moment in Black History brought to you by quincyjones66.blogspot.com...

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VIVICA FOX

Fuck a New York Fashion Week, I know what you ALL have been waiting for...Vivica Fox's Spring Summer wig line! Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyy (jumps up and down clapping)! It's finally here. This old cougar has had more meat in her cooch than a deep freezer, but that has not stopped her from designing her summer line of wigs! Oh goody.

Tell me this doesn't look like the scene from 'Dreamgirls' when Beyonce told the other girls to turn their wigs around? What the fuck?

All she needs is some big sunglasses and a trench coat, and then she'll be ready for the bank robbery.

I think all of that young dick she's getting has finally gone to her head. Someone has to stop her.

This is giving Micheal Jackson Pepsi commercial.

This is giving me Peggy Bundy all day long. I swear if I catch any of you cunts in these wigs, I will pull it off. I'm not kidding. There are amazing wigs out there, and these are not them. What is wrong with Vivica?

Upset, Confused, and Happy...

2011-02-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Aaliyah - If Your Girl Only Knew (Rare Soul Remix) by wildpitch

UPSET...

Hey guys, I've just been so upset for the last few days. As we all know Sunday was the final episode of Atlanta Housewives Season 3. It was the highest rated season in 'Housewives' history.

I'm sure the high ratings had a little something to do with NeNe and her fights with Dwight, Greg, Kim, Peter, and hell everyone! I think there was even a scene where she fought with Phaedra's baby? The show is definitely a train wreck, but what do I have to live for now?

Then if the season ending of ATL Housewives wasn't enough to send me into convulsions, this is coming out...

A Justin Beiber movie? Who the fuck wants to see a Justin Beiber movie? Oh my God, I can't take it, I swear I'm gonna scream. And then I'm believing it's in 3-D? I seriously am breaking out in hives right now just talking about it. Normally I'm all for teenage girl masturbation material movies, but this one is just vile.

Someone stop me if I'm going too far, but I give Justin Beiber about 5 years before he comes out and goes all "Raz-B" on Usher....lol. That's his pimp! If ANY of you reading this goes to see this movie, there will be hell to pay from me. Hell I say!

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CONFUSED...

I was flipping through the channels the other day and stopped on 'Celebrity Rehab' on Vh-1. Upon watching for a mere 2 minutes, I was so confused. First of all, Is she a celebrity?

Second of all, some people just shouldn't be saved. Frankie was born to be one of those raging alcoholic druggie lunatics. It was her path from birth. Why should we interfere? Sending Frankie to rehab just fucks with the universe. Let her be. She belongs in an alley somewhere free basing, eating fried chicken out of a big cardboard tub, and dancing to old school rap. Anyone who believes otherwise is wrong! Some human beings sole purpose on earth is to be a court jester. She's funny. Probably not as funny sober, so let her be dammit!

Holllllllaaaaaaa!

I was so confused when I heard that Rick Ross and friends apparently spent 1 million dollars at a strip club for his birthday? I'm so glad I stole his cd off Limewire. I couldn't see giving him my 10$. So he could blow it in the club? If he can piss away a mil in the trap, then he is better off than I am.

As a matter of fact, there was one song that I couldn't find on Limewire, and I had to actually pay for from iTunes, where can I write to get that back? I'm so not kidding. Not for anything people, it's Black History Month, could we not act so nigger-like this month at least? OMG...(holds head).

I'm so confused. Don't you have to be divorced before you can get married again? Kelsey Grammer couldn't see waiting! He's apparently getting married on Feb. 25 at the Plaza in NY. His soon to be ex wife "Crazy Camille" is asking for a 50 million dollar settlement, and I believe she deserves every bit of it. As weird as she may be, she stood by his side for 13 years, raised their family, tickled his old wrinkled saggy milky white nut sack when I'm sure she didn't want to, and he up and leaves her without notice? Take him to the cleaners Camille!

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HAPPY...

Rihanna premiered her video for S&M the other day, and I absolutely love it. I'm so happy for her and all of her success. See, there was life after that ass whoopin' Chris Brown put on that ass!

...and I'm out like Mubarak.

Ugg-ly, Censored Sir Elton?, Grrrrrr.....

2011-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Ummm yeah, so you guys know I love you right? You know how much I love you guys? I had computer problems, so I'm at the Mac store. I'm actually blogging here on one of the computers while I wait. People are looking at me weird, but I could care less. It's kind of comfortable here. I've set up my own make shift office and everything. If you need me call me at the Georgetown Apple Store. Tell them to connect you to the guy in Moncler. Anywho...

On my way to this bitch I took the bus and saw these. It damn near sent me over the edge. Uggs with side pockets? Just when I thought the things couldn't get any uglier.

Ugg Exec #1 in meeting: So guys, we have to think of a way to make these things even more hideous than they are now. Suggestions? (someone raises hand in back) Yes, you in the back...

Ugg Exec #2: How about we make them bulkier, and add crazy looking pockets to the sides of them?

Ugg Exec 1: (rubs chin) Pockets? That could work.

Ugggghhhh! Someone help me!

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Sir Elton

If you guys didn't know by now, Ms. Elton John and her wife (husband) had a baby on Christmas day. The baby was of course born through a surrogate, and is adorable. However, if you live in Arkansas and shop at a redneck store called Harps you'd probably never know.

The couples US magazine cover was censored with a block that reads, "Family Shield to protect young Harps shoppers"? I'm so confused. What's wrong with this?

They're not holding the baby dressed in gay bondage leather gear? The baby isn't using a mini butt plug as a pacifier? There's no anal beads in the shot? Which if I had a baby ALL of those things would be incorporated. It looks pretty wholesome to me besides the fact that they're both pickle eaters? What's wrong with that? What are they protecting kids from? So strange.

Obviously they didn't watch yesterdays Oprah! So rude!

Congrats To Ms. Elton and her new addition. Go on Girl! lol...

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Grrrrrr......

If you really wanna get my temperature boiling, nothing makes me more upset than Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watcher commercial. When she hits that high note a million tiny hairs on my back stand at attention, I become tense, and one time I could have sworn I blacked out. Remember years ago that woman who went into seizures every time she heard Mary Hart's voice? Yeah, I have have a similar experience when I hear this commercial.

Some people should just stay fat, and she is one of them. Well, history has shown us what Weight Watchers does to those in Hollywood anyways. I giver her 6 months for her and Kirstie Ally to be eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts together back at her initial weight.

Freedom is mine, and I know how I feel shit!

Yellow Yuck Face, Porn Star Monday!, So Confused?, Smackfest?,

2011-01-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

Chris Brown Look At Me Now [explicit] by Michelle S.

Yeah, so I've been sick all week. No really, like sick. I had a 103 temperature, my throat felt like I deep-throated a Coke bottle and then gargled with bleach, my body felt like I was beaten as part of a gang initiation, and I was congested to no end! I'm still recovering, but not 100 percent yet. It seems like a lot of people were sick this past week. I was sick and stayed quarantined to my room, but I'm sure I caught the bug from some sickly nasty coughing cunt who refused to stay home until her cold ran it's course. Ugh. When I find that bitch, it's on!

I didn't do much all weekend. The highlight was me actually leaving my block on Saturday. J and I went to the movies to see 'No Strings Attached'. It was a cute movie, I really enjoyed it. The only thing that took away from the movie was this nappy headed ho sitting in front of me who refused to put her phone away during the movie. She had an iPhone, and the brightness was turned all the way up. Everyone behind her was annoyed, but of course I was the one to say something. "Excuse me, your cell phone light is very bright. Would you mind?" The Section 8 street prostitute turned around, looked at me, and kept texting. After she sent her last text, she did put the phone away. Ten minutes later her chitterling eating boyfriend turned around and said, "Would you stop kicking my seat?" He didn't realize it was the man sitting next to me, so you know I let him know about himself. That's what I get for watching a movie in Chinatown. Actually, that's what I get for even GOING to Chinatown! After that I was blown and congested, so we went home.

Yesterday I met friends early in the afternoon, and later met up with a client. You all know what went down after that....Housewives! I can't believe the season is almost done. Le Sigh! I literally may have to turn to a life of alcohol and drugs to cope without my Sunday guilty pleasure. It's honestly one of the few reasons I look forward to the next week. Fuck me!

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TYSON KOBIE

Hetero male readers please scroll to the next post, unless you care to see...

If you guys feel anything like me, you need a little Monday morning "pick me up". Perhaps porn star Tyson Kobie could put a little wind in your sail. He sure helped me this morning.

TubeHome.com Video from everywhere!

If you ladies haven't guessed already, Tyson is a sausage sniffer. Sorry, at least you can enjoy the view.

Wow, so fetch!

Ever thought about how sex would be like with a "porn star"? I'm thinking that all of your inhibitions would float away, and all of the things you always wanted to do, you'd do. Sometimes you have fear that your partner would think you were nasty or a freak, but with a porn star you could do just about anything. If you were into sticking Twinkies in your butt and having someone eat them out, you could do that shit with a porn star. (puts hand on chin and gazes)

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SO CONFUSED?

Well if you had a boner before, it's gone now. Lawrence from RHOA was on the after show with Bravo Andy last night and wore this. The Loubis were hot, but what is he wearing them with? He literally looks like a gay poltergeist. He looks like he's possessed with the spirits of Grace Jones and and Harvey Firestein. I'm so confused...

(Phaedra voice) Everybody knows that last week was Sundance, and anybody who is somebody was there. So I was nooo where to be found! To make up for my absence and to fill the gay quota, Floyd Mayweather was there. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with the picture? Why the fuck does he have those jeans tucked into those boots? I just can't take it.

You know what else I can't take? I can't take Antoine "hide ya kids, hide ya husband, hide ya wife" Dodson getting his own reality show. Im guessing this government cheese fudge packer has left the hood and is shooting a pilot for the show now. Maybe Oprah will pick it up for OWN Network? (crickets) Are we seriously gonna watch this? (silence) Well, maybe just the first show. That's it. My prediction is that it will be like 'Being Bobby Brown' without Bobby and Whitney insert Antoine Dodson. Just another piece of programming to set the Black movement back.

So gross. I'm so confused why he's still "relevant".

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SMACKFEST!

Why didn't anyone tell me about Smackfest? I just discovered it yesterday, and obviously it's been going on for years now. Basically two people stand in front of each other and just slap the shit out of their opponent. People judge to see who delivered the best slap, and some even win money. This is great. (makes a bag of popcorn)

Smackfest Throwback...

Smackfest 2011...

'The Game', EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!, 'The Apprentice', and Good Lawd!

2011-01-12T06:54:00.000-08:00

THE GAME

So I'm sure most of you guys tuned in last night to watch 'The Game' on BET. I never was a fan of that show, and after last night I NEVER will be. After watching only 10 minutes of this low budget telenovela, I was done. I'd rather fight on the front lines in Iraq than to watch this garbage again. Actually,you know what? I think I'd rather eat live maggots and have them fester and eat me from the inside out! Actually, no. I think I'd rather watch all of Tyler Perry's movies marathon style back to back.

The only reason I even attempted to watch was hopes of BET flashing those nude shots of Hosea "I have no idea who took the nude pics. They must have shot them from outside my window" Chanchez that have been floating around the net. Now that's what I call television! All thick and stuff, lookin' like a sexy Cole from 'Martin'.

Anyway, please look out for my petition to get that ghastly show off air. 'The Game' is"niggerdom" at it's best, and it needs to be stopped! Again, please don't send me hate mail. I have hundreds of them to open just from this week alone. Thanks.

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EWWWWWW!!!!!

This is some nasty as bullshit right here! This nasty broad goes around sucking on horse cock. Yes, she enjoys giving head and getting stuck by horses. If that doesn't creep you out enough, the nasty ho is married to an 80's hair band wannabe who lets the horses fuck him in the ass while she watches. These nasty freak ass bitches have also had sex with dogs. (throws up in mouth) There's is no doubt in my mind that her twat reeks of Puppy Chow and lice shampoo. Just another normal Wednesday (blank stare).

We have no clue who are neighbors are, I swear! I'm not a pet person, but sometimes I watch the interaction with some pet owners and it sort of creeps me out. It surpasses a loving pet/owner relationship and appears to leak over into something a tad more.

If my mother didn't give me ANYTHING at all, she passed on her innate ability to read people. No, not tell them off, I mean to read them as in evaluate. More often than less, she's right. More often than less, I'm right as well. I can walk into a room of people and tell who's been intimate with each other. They don't have to be speaking to each other the whole night, or even near the other person for me to tell. It's a certain energy, and way that you look at someone that you've had sex with. And I have seen that look with some nasty ass pet owners.

To take it a step further, we try to be a bit more civilized than animals, but at times fall short. Animals "mark" their territory. They protect those who they feel a closeness to. We as humans do the same thing. As much as we say, "Girl, I don't love him anymore. Ugh. He so grosses me out now", your body and energy say something different. You may not be in love, but your body definitely blocks the other women/men off in the room to let them know not to fuck with your man/ex man/woman/dog/stallion/cat/dildo/etc.

Next time you go to a party, club, or dog park (ugghhh) check it out. You'll be amazed. So gross.

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NENE

We should all know by now that Ms. Nene "watch your hands friend" Leakes will be on the new season of 'Celebrity Apprentice'. It's been reported that she hasn't been getting along with her cast mate Star Jones. Oooohh, this should be juicy. Other reports have said that Nene has showed up to tapings late, and have been giving producers FEVER!

She is so much better than that low budget reality broad Oma"gross"a! I can't wait for her to read Star Jones on tv. The show airs in March and includes "Z" listers like Latoya Jackson, Lisa Rinna, Niki Taylor, Playboy Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk, Lil’ Jon, Meatloaf, Mark McGrath, John Rich, David Cassidy, Gary Busey, Marlee Matlin, and Dionne Warwick.

I'm sure Nene will be in the time out corner quit a bit. Is it March yet? Damn.

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GABBY

'Precious' star Gabourey Sidibe was recently spotted out with her new beau. She calls him "Boyfriend X". I hope she doesn't like to be on top. The End.

And My Weekend Went A Little Something Like This, You Put Your Right Hand In--You Put Your Right Hand Out, Touch!, and "You Can Be My Black Kate Moss"

2011-01-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

Good Morning everyone! I'm hoping that your weekend was as grand as mine. Totally kidding! I had the most boring weekend ever. Bits of fun were thrown in, but nothing like my usual. That's ok though, because next weekend I'm gonna host a "Sip and See" at my house just like Phaedra from Real Housewives of Atlanta. If you don't know what a "Sip and See" is, it's when you invite your family and friends over to your house to see your newborn baby. While they "See" your baby, they "Sip" on cocktails. So Southern!

No I don't have a baby yet, but I'm sure I can buy, borrow or rent one online in the meantime. Right? I can't wait for people to come over to see my borrowed or newly stolen baby while they sip on mojitos and Jack Daniels of course. So exciting!

Well, one of the reasons for my boring weekend was this...

Yeah, I meant to alarm you. That's gross right? Well how do you think I felt? I actually had the procedure. Ugh. The picture is of a Chalazion removal surgery, and yours truly had one on my eyelid that had to be removed. A chalazion is when an oil gland gets backed up. Some disappear on their own, but much like the host it was squatting on, this one was a stubborn little bitch. I lived with that thing for almost 2 months. I was happy to see it go, but the parting was bittersweet. The motherfuckers had to flip my eyelid and make an incision on the inside of the lid, scoop the goop out, and flip my shit back down.

Who the fuck even knew what a Chalazion was? It sounds little a ghetto girl name to me. "Hey Chalazion girl, I like those jeans!"

Anyways, thank God the surgery went well. I was only down for the weekend, but your boy is back.

During recovery, I managed to slip into The Four Seasons for a drink...

...and yesterday J and I went ice skating. I wore fur and scared all of the kids at the rink. It was fun. After I thawed out, it was time to watch the Sunday Chitterling Circuit lineup--'Basketball Wives', "Real Housewives of ATL", 'What Chilli Wants', and 'Ray J and Brandy'. Sundays couldn't get any blacker! All I needed to watch was ROOTS, and then my Nigger 101 training class would be complete. (snickers) Ahhh, Blacks are fun!

Have a great day!

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TINY

If you guys haven't heard about Tiny giving T.I. a hand job while visiting him in prison by now, where the fuck have you been? Yeah, that scary ghetto slave sounding Muppet looking ho Tiny couldn't resist practicing her Shake It Weight routine on her hubby while visiting him in the pen. Say what you want about her, but she is definitely a ride or die chick. If your man takes care of you how T.I. appears to take care of her, she better give him a hand job!

I would have shown up to visit him in jail with a trench coat with nothing on underneath, with nipple clamps on, a butt plug in, and a rubber gag ball in my mouth. Anything to keep T.I. lacing me with all of the Louis Vuitton I could ever ask for. She's not stupid. That girl is going places, and I need her freak techniques. T.I. is one of the rappers that you never hear infidelity rumors about. Tiny must have that snapper son.

Anyway, some guard was twat blocking and broke them up, so T.I. never got to "finish". That's one job that I'd love to apply for. (winks at T.I.) Always willing to lend a helping hand!

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OMARION

You guys remember Cocodorm, I mean B2K right? Well, little Ms. Omarion formally of Cocodorm, I mean B2K has come out denying the bisexual rumors.

This weekend a fake press release was sent out saying that Omarion was a "proud bisexual man". I wish they would just leave these guys alone. Omarion isn't bisexual for Christ sakes! Geesh, he's full on gay!

With an ass like that? God Damn son! You can't tell me that him and Raz-B weren't having DOWN! Those lips of Raz's and that ass of Omarion's was the perfect marriage, and I'm sure they joined in blissful matrimony on more than a couple of occasions.

I myself am tired of the "he said, she said" gay rumors between these guys. Can they just all get together and make a porn already? I'd have that in my shopping cart on ThugMart.com before you could say "Bump, Bump, Bump..." Trust me on that one.

What a cute little tumbler of water he is. Poor confused baby!

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KATE

On the list of things that gave me life this week, this was definitely in the top 5. Check out that coke snorting beautiful British cunt in a video for Balmain. When you've been in the modeling game for as long as she has, all she has to do is lay on a couch for 3 minutes to collect what I'm sure was a beat coin. Balmain is amazing, Kate is amazing, and so is this video. Enjoy.

And My Holiday Went A Little Something Like This, Dead Birds--Angry Birds, Playboy: The Cougar Edition, and Happy New Year From Coco T

2011-01-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

03 Start it Up (feat. Kanye West, Fabolous, Ryan Leslie) by SELEKTA SUPA

Hey fuckers. Happy holidays, yadda yadda yadda. I took a brief blogging vacation during the holidays. I've also been on my work flow. Besides, it's so hectic blogging while drinking, and you try typing on a computer while making out under mistletoe. It's not easy, let me tell you. I hope everyone got exactly what they wanted for Christmas. I also hope you all took just bit of time to reflect and think about just how blessed we all are. I'm so grateful for my life, even though it may seem soooooo bad at times! I'm just being a baby. No bitchassness from me in 2011. We'll see how long this lasts?

Before I start off today, I'd like to wish my Kappas a Happy Founder's Day. The organization has been around for 100 years.

Wow, that's awesome. Many groups find it hard to stay together for a full calendar year. And while I never was interested in Greek life or was a Kappa myself, I definitely have had many different fraternities in me. Oh, I also used to watch 'A Different World', so that counts for something.

Anywho. On New Years Eve I was invited to my brother's uncle's restaurant for a surprise engagement soiree.

There's the happy couple Borzou and Nikki. My brother proposed on New Year's Eve at an intimate dinner, and then surprised her with family and friends shortly after. What a great way to bring in the New Year--happy and newly engaged. Congrats Brother, I love you!

There's my boo J at the party. I'm believing new Year's Eve is the only holiday where cardboard accessories are acceptable.

There's my bestie boo Normie and my brother Robert behind him throwing up gang signs.

So while we were having an intimate dinner on NYE, just across town my husband Chris Brown was doing the dougie at club LOVE. Check him out here...

Wow, I think I would let him beat me like he did Rihanna, no bullshit! So cute! I'm sure it's worth it.

On the other side of the country in Vegas, my other husband Kanye was partying it up with Jay Z, Beyonce, Gwenyth Paltrow, Rihanna and friends...

On New Years Day I chilled around the house and prepared to have some friends over. It was going to be a girls night. My sisters Yaneek, Darleata, Meta, Tamika, and Ky'Leigh all came over to taste my special sangria recipe. By the time we had to leave the house we had a cute little buzz. It was my girl Claudia's bday, so we had to make our way to The W.

There's Claudia posing beside Yaneek's ass. If that's not T&A, I don't know what is...

Happy Bday Claudy Doddy!

Here's the fellas at the party trying to act cool...

After Claudia's party, we hit it to the trap. It was time to see some D&A (dick and ass).

There's Darleata and I. She has her cash in hand, all ready to make it rain. After the strip club I went home to put an ice pack on my stiffy and passed out.

The next day I slept all day long. It was definitely a lazy Sunday. J and I went to the movies to see 'Meet The Fockers' later on that night. While he was getting tickets, I was grabbing a couple sweet crepes from the vendor outside.

I had to smuggle them into the theatre. Let's just say that I could definitely get drugs and weapons pass a security checkpoint. The movie was cute--a little too slapstick for my taste, but cute. I don't remember much of the movie though because I was sitting there racking my brain as to why Bravo wasn't airing ATL Housewives for the second week. I just couldn't concentrate on a movie when there were issues much bigger than me at hand. I'm starting to pre-game now for Sunday's episode. So excited!

I'm also excited about finally seeing the Tom Ford SS '11 fashion show video. Of course we've seen still shots from the show, but it do the collection justice. Anything that man does gives me a semi. Beyonce needed to do something with that mane though. No shade.

Happy New year peeps. Oh, and I didn't win the 330 million last night btw. Ugh. Back to the drawing board...

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Did you guys hear about the thousands of dead birds that fell from the sky on New Years Eve? I'm not quite sure what they have going on in Arkansas, but it's not cute. It sounds like some Apocalypse shit. Some people were actually hit in the head by dead birds while taking a stroll. Lord, I would shit in my bloomers if I were EVER to be hit in the head by a dead bird. Not just one, but thousands falling at a time? It would have been a heart attack wrap for me.

They say that they birds were possibly struck by lighting or above cloud hail.

This actually isn't the only case of dead birds falling from the sky. Louisianna also had cases. Dead fish have also been floating to sea in Haiti, Sydney, Wales, and Brazil.

Let me see one dead bird fall, and I'm outta here son. That's my word.

You know it would be a genius marketing tool if this were all promo for my favorite iPhone game Angry Birds. If I were in advertising, I would do some sick shit like that.

Me: Hey guys, no this could work. Let's drop thousands of dead birds all over Arkansas as prom for our new game. What do you guys think? I love it myself.

Ad execs: Quincy you are genius! We'll let's get out there and start killing some birds!

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If one more washed up cougar tries to pose for Playboy, I'm gonna lose it. Who wants to see Toni Braxton's beaver in print. I sho as hell don't. I guess she has to do something to get out of the 50 million dollars of debt that she's supposedly in. I know you're desperate Toni, but no Playboy ok? My eyes just can't take it. We saw enough of your cooch back when you wore those high split gown back in the 90's. Here's what you do. Go get a tin can and sit on the side of Interstate 15 in LA with a sign that reads, "Un-break my Debt". Girl, you'll make at least a million dollars a day. Much better idea that doing a spread. (singing) "Puh-na na, what's my name? Puh-na na, what's my name?"

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Hey guys, grab your bibles and douche bottles filled with holy water, it's Coco T time! Coco T is definitely one of our favorites here at quincyjones66.blogspot. As skanky as she is, we love her just the same. Here is Coco T with some New Years words of wisdom...

Coco T: "Guy advice for a happy 2011!U can stand 2 lose a few 2!Brush your teeth,clean your balls.Tell your women u luv her or trade up.Now your set!"

Coco T: "Ladies,for a happy 2011.Do squats,lunges, crunches.Buy some booty shorts & stripper heels. Tell your man u love um or trade up. Now your set!"

Coco T: "My advice for 2011 Don't hold back on anything u do, go full force!Stop lolly gaging!Were only here on this earth for a second."

Coco T: "I just got roses from my honey.So sweet!I'll give him a full body rub down in return...People U got to keep the relationship juicy..."

Wow, thanks for all the great advice Coco T! What would the state of America be without you? Thanks for being a great sport, and also for single-handedly making the profits for topical STD medications sore through the roof in 2010. A bust of your bust should be erected in your honor. We love you! (crowd chants: Coco T! Coco T! Coco T! Coco T!)

Don't Shoot Me!

2011-01-04T06:31:00.001-08:00

New post tomorrow, I swear! Stop sending me hate mail!

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This--The Tuesday Edition, "Dirty Money", Dirty Old Man, "You Be Killin' Em!, and Just Say No!

2010-12-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, sorry I missed the Weekend Wrap Up yesterday. I haven't really been feeling so fresh. I've been super bitchy (more than normal), and I haven't even been wanting to leave the house. Then to drive a stake through my heart, I find out that Chilli from TLC is getting another season of 'What Chilli Wants'? I just can't take another season of her baby hair. It may drive me into insanity.

On Friday I had family dinner with my play brother Borzou, his cousin, my play sister Nikki, and Normie. It's a tradition that we have kept going for well over a couple years now. We try to get together and catch up over what normally is an Outback dinner. This week it was Kushi, one of my favorites here in DC. The food was amazing as usual. It was their first time there, so we had to try EVERYTHING!

After the 5 of us devoured the equivalent of Gabourey Sidibe's snack, we decided to see 'Black Swan'.

I had already seen it, but it was worth a second run. The imagery in the film is amazing. If you haven't checked it out, go see it now. Go ahead, get up from your desk and go now. You can read this later!

(2 1/5 hours elapse)

So, you're back from watching 'Black Swan'? Great, I hope you enjoyed it.

After my movie on Friday, I decided to go home and rest. I had an early yoga class the next day. We said our quick goodbyes in the frigid cold, and scurried to our car.

The next morning I woke Normie up early so that he could come to yoga with me. I told him how fun it was, and he couldn't see me being the only one with the lean yoga body next summer. Our class started at 9 am, and we arrived shortly after. The teacher started right in doing some pretty difficult poses. I'm a little rusty, but I still remember most of the poses. Norman was a first timer--a first timer who has vertigo. After about 40 minutes of class, his head started to spin, and had to sit the rest of the class out. See I'm used to weird positions, so it doesn't bother me at all. (side eye)

After yoga, I came home and vegged out. I couldn't peel myself off the couch. Next thing I knew, it was dusk. I had a Christmas party to attend, but I just couldn't get it together. I was 2 seconds away from dousing my whole closet with lighter fluid, and then striking a match. I couldn't figure out a single outfit. Things would be so much simpler if I'd wear moo moo's like Andre Leon Talley.

On Sunday I met friends at Lauriol Plaza for brunch. I was still in a funk, but I couldn't see passing on Lauriol. The frozen margarita swirls made me feel much better.

There's Housecunt Nikki aka Big Meech. She's a fool!

Pretty Jilly on deck trying to steal Barrack away from Michelle. I bet Michelle would whoop that ass if she ever thought Jill would try it...lol.

After brunch I had "the itis". I napped until I had to go to a Christmas party later that night. The party was in Largo, MD. I had no clue where that was. If when you mention the name of where you're going to a cabdriver, and he speeds off, chances are it's a tad far. I'm just spoiled to being directly in the city. I couldn't ever see leaving for the burbs!

We arrived at the party at Holiday soiree around 8. The home where the party was held was gorgeous. It was well decorated, and the host was gracious.

Norman found his way to the table with the baked goods of course.

The only table that he DIDN'T find his way to, was the table with the fake Tiffany's jewelry.

For some reason someone thought that this was legal? I'm quite sure a home in the suburbs of Largo Maryland isn't an authorized dealer to sell Tiffany's jewelry? I'm so confused. Oh, and then they had Tiffany's shopping bags. Someone is going to jail, and it won't be me...lol.

There were also sunglasses there for 5 dollars a piece as well. We should all know my major pet peeve by now. Quincy hates cheap sunglasses. There is just no excuse! People who wear cheap sunglasses should be put in front of a firing squad. The devil on my right shoulder told me to pay for all of them, and destroy them publicly in front of the whole party. The angel on my left calmed me down though.

After the Canal Street scare, we headed home to watch Atlanta Housewives. That show gives me everything I need. The only thing that's missing from this season is Apollo dancing nude in a shower. If that happens, I'll jump from my balcony. I would have reached the pinnacle in life, why live anymore?

Did anyone catch Mariah's Christmas special last night? That girl was stuffed like a teddy bear in that dress.

It's not because she's pregnant, she ALWAYS wears her clothes too tight!

She just may be THE worst dressed female in Hollywood. After she drops this baby, if she's still wearing butterfly rings, platform mules, sweatpants rolled down at the waist, and baby tees still, I'm gonna have to do something about it! So tacky. Her stylists should have their anuses sewn up with burlap thread. So bad!

Oh, Happy Tuesday...

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I know, I know you guys think Diddy is so corny. I do too, but you know I love him. He's been "Diddy Boppin" around my heart ever since I was just a mere lad. No one does ghetto fab better than my man. In the video above, he gives us a couple of fashion tips--Diddy style. "Get you some accoutrements!" So sexy! (fans myself with 'Dirty Money' cd)

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When my roomie told me this story originally, I didn't believe it. We did a bit of research, and apparently it's true.

A 73 year old horny ass man from Zimbabwe stuck his wrinkly antique viagra needing dick inside of a chicken. Yes, I said a chicken! While he was fucking the chicken, his wife walked in on him. He was so embarrassed that he committed suicide by hanging himself from a true. It brings a whole new meaning to "I was embarrassed to death!".

What ever happened to the good old fashion way of getting yourself off? Hands maybe? Who would grab a chicken and start fucking it? I bet that chicken was clucking for filth!

I don't see a damn thing sexy about that. So gross! May his chicken fucking soul rest in peace though...

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I love Fabolous, and I love his new song, " You Be Killin' Em'. The video features video vixen turned Kanye's girlfriend turned back to video vixen Amber Rose. She looks great in the video, but I'm over the whole bald head shit. This bitch need to grow some hair, or borrow a lace front from Beyonce or something? Damn.

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Nancy Reagan just unveiled a new stamp with her late husband's image on it. The stamp commemorates what would have been Reagan's 1ooth birthday next year.

Is it me, or does this picture look like some 'Weekend At Bernie's' shit? I swear she died alongside Ronald, and they're just not telling us. If you look closely at the picture, there appears to be invisible string holding up her head and arms.

Nancy was at least 150 years old during the 'Just Say No' campaign in the 80's. I swear she has to be at least 200 now. If in fact she IS still alive, kudos to her. She may look like an old leather Chanel bag, but she's still here (maybe)?

Nancy to Obama: "Sign that bill you coon!"

Built "Tom Ford" Tough, The Queen of Soul, This Is The Worst Christmas Ever!, and Dora The Explorer?

2010-12-09T06:26:00.000-08:00

Built "Tom Ford" Tough

Recently Tom Ford went on record to say that he thought that fat women looked better nude. He says, "Fat women almost always look better without the constraint and lumpy pinching of clothes, all the straps and elastic squeezing and sucking. We are the only animal that wears clothes, and that can't just be because dogs can't do up buttons."

I don't know if I agree with my birthday friend Tom Ford on this one. I'm quite sure I don't wanna see a herd of naked fat women roaming the streets, but I will say that waistline challenged people definitely SHOULD NOT be wearing his clothes. All of the lumps and fat pockets distract from the beautiful lines of the clothing. We should be clothes hangers for these beautiful pieces of art! You could probably place that statement under the "Weightism" (Prejudice or discrimination against people based on weight) umbrella, but sorry. God invented moo moos for a reason.

Tom does no wrong in my eyes. He was chosen to curate this month's edition of French Vogue. If you haven't seen the spread, it's amazing. he always inspires. Did I mention that he's super fucking hot?

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The Queen Of Soul

I know you guys were probably expecting a cruel segue from the fat story to Aretha, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The Queen has the "Big C" for heaven's sake. Pancreatic Cancer was the killer that took the lives of Patrick Swayze and Michael Landon, but hopefully the queen survives.

It has been reported that she underwent a very successful surgery. Her spirits are high, and has made a statement saying that "God is still in control".

I know I'll be praying for Ms. Franklin's speedy recovery. Get well soon!

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This Is The Worst Christmas Ever!

It's the Holiday season, so I'm sure you're quite frustrated with crowded shopping malls and rude sales associates (big ups to Neiman Marcus). That frustration could cloud your head and distract you from buying the perfect gift for your loved one. Just make sure you don't end up gifting any of these. They'll have your friends and family shouting, "This is the worst Christmas ever!"

The chamber umbrella. It actually is a great idea. I sure have been in monsoon like rain storms, and standard umbrellas just didn't cut it. This would eliminate wet clothes, but I'm not sure you'd have a friend after you gave this as a Holiday gift. Test your luck if you want?

The Flatulence Blanket. It is supposed to counteract bed farting, and eliminate most of the odor associated with bed farting. Hmmm? Again, another gift I would never want to get from a friend. That's grounds for erasing your number from my mobile.

Handerpants. Underpants for your hands. They really serve no purpose, just underwear looking fingerless gloves. Ummm, don't tell anyone but I bought them.

Shoot me alright? I just wanted to see how they looked.

Kitty paw mops. I don't even have a cat, so I guess I'd have to either borrow one, or buy one of my own to use these? I'm sure the cat would probably make more mess than clean, but it sure as hell looks funny. Still, do no buy these for me though.

Stink Port. It's a chamber that you plug into your usb that emits a stinky scent every time you type a curse word. Don't even bother, because the shit would be empty fucking with me. See it would have gone off just then. Don't ask me how it works, but my house would be a gassy mess. If you're shopping for me this season, nothing says "I love you" more than cash. Oh, or Hermes.

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DORA THE EXPLORER

Don't have me babysit, because this is the version of 'Dora The Explorer' that I'd have your kiddies watching. I'm so not joking. Enjoy.

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, "Damn, Damn, Damn...", Yucky Kandi, and "Bitch Buy"

2010-12-07T06:38:00.001-08:00

Rihanna - Only Girl (In This World) by Zoone

Hey guys, again you can quit it with the hate mail--I'm back. Can a bitch take a break? I guess not.

Actually, I've been working on a few projects that have been consuming me. This means less time to blog. As Sheree from RHWOA says, "I'm a big girl with real big girl bills!"

Nah mean? (Brooklyn accent)

Anyway, so I'm sure you ALL are on the edge of your seats waiting for the results of my pregnancy test that I took a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to wait until the right time to share the news with my readers. (deep breath) So here goes! The results of my pregnancy test are....

...negative. I guess I'll just have to keep trying over and over and over again. I was hoping for a cute little baby like Phaedra and Apollo's. You know, I could put it in a carrier, and stroll around the mall all day--with my two nannies of course.

So since I'm not pregnant I've been diving into work. Last week I had a photo shoot with my photographer Michael Kirby (email my for details to book him, he's amazing). These are a couple of proofs, you guys will see the finished project soon.

I'm trying to be the next Kim Kardashian, except I never sucked Ray J's dick. Did I?

Talk about killer photo shoot? My fellow DC Housecunt Bahareh is featured in this month's Black Men's magazine on stands now. Go pick it up if you can. Her 6 page spread is so hot that you may need an oven mit to touch it.

Last week friend gathered at SEI to celebrate her spread.

There's Nikki, you guys know her. That's my main cunt aka "Big Meech".

We had a blast! Congratulations Bahareh!

I continued celebrating on Saturday. This time it was my niece Rayven's birthday.

What a beautiful young lady she's grown into. Happy 19th bday Ravy!

After all of that cake and ice cream at the party on Saturday, I needed some meat to wash it down with...

Yep! We went to Secret's. My roomie and I went and had an amazing time. I ran into my old college buddy there who was in town for a conference. We caught up as much as we could, but when there's 12 naked men in a room dancing, I don't believe I was paying much attention.

The next day was the Sabbath, so I asked forgiveness for staring at dicks the night before. After repenting, I met clients and worked for most of the day.

On my train ride home, I sat next to the nastiest breeders. They were making out and nuzzling. She was whispering at his ear at one point, so I'm sure the reason he has his hands over his crotch is to mask a woody. I could only take it for two stops, and then I got up and moved. At this point it was about 5:30 and I hadn't eaten much at all, so I didn't wanna risk throwing up bile.

After the straight make out festival, I met my friend Rashad at Kushi. We caught up sans swinging dicks, and had an amazing dinner. Dwayne and J also joined us later on.

After dinner J took me to see 'Black Swan'. All I can say is that is was breathtaking. It gave me everything I needed. I was truly pleased.

After the movie, I went straight and thawed out. It was freezing out, and of course I couldn't see wearing socks! It's supposed to hit single digit temps later in the week. When the temp drops like this, all I can think about is those poor tranny prostitutes, and how this must really hurt their business? Poor girls...

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I'm sure you guys have seen Mechad "I only date white women, but I'm fine as hell" Brooks in the new State Farm commercials. If you haven't, google it dammit cause I couldn't see posting it. These still shots of him shirtless will do me just fine. I tried to crop Selita Ebanks out of the picture, but couldn't. I'm kidding (not really). That is the perfect body. He's not too big, not too small--juuuuusssttt right. Yum. I'm drooling on my Mac, so I should stop now. Enjoy the pics.

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Kandi from 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' has a new single called 'Haven't Loved Right'. The video above is Kandi singing her new single. The video below is sheep being herded. I honestly can't tell which one is which? Can you? Her voice make me wanna drive pencils through my earlobes. I think I'd rather hear Kim sing, at least I know she'll wear labels and have on beat diamonds. Good luck with going Platinum Kandi (belly laughs).

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You guys check this queen out. She works at Best Buy, and was supposed to be demonstrating how to use the WII dancing game. The fag spirits took him over, and he lost control. His ass thought he was at a ball of something. God has a special place in heaven for the gays I'm sure. Wow.

Stay Tuned...

2010-12-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

I'll be gone for a couple days, but I'll be right back...

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, "Full Tank", 'Quincy's Favorite Things!", RHWOA, and Wacka Fucka?

2010-11-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

Bonus Tracks Pink Friday by twistedcolors

Good afternoon lovies, I hope everyone had an amazing weekend! I sure did! It was chock full of great restaurants, shopping, and great company. Which is normally no different from any other weekend of mine, but it was great nonetheless.

On Thursday I met my girlfriend Yaneek at Estadio on 14th. Estadio is a fairly new Spanish tapas restaurant with a twist. They have amazing small plates, and the drink menu is to die for. Yaneek and I dined while we dished dirt. It was just what I needed after a long day of...Actually, I didn't do much all day on Thursday besides online browsing and decorating at my new place. But it was just what I needed!

On Friday I woke up fairly early. I got a call from Billy shortly after I woke up, and we decided to have an impromptu meeting/shopping/lunch excursion/errand running day. Before I knew it, it was time to get dressed for Happy Hour. I was so sad that I had nothing [new] to wear that night until I got home and saw that the FedEx Gods had dropped my box from Stubbs and Wootten!

After I opened the box, all was well with my world. I watched 'Oprah's Favorite Things' show (more on that later) while I got ready for Happy Hour.

I ended up going to The Park on 14th for their 3rd year Anniversary. It seems like Park has been around for longer than that for some reason? After Happy Hour, J and I went to Bourbon Steak to grab a bite.

...and a pear brandy sidecar of course. Come to Papa!

After Bourbon Steak we headed over to a private party at Dirty Martini, the old 1223. It was cute. The interior really didn't change much. I could have done a much better job of transforming that space, but some lucky designer got paid the big bucks to make it look mediocre.

The party was much like a dose of nighttime Nyquil, it made me sleepy--so boring. I swear if this city doesn't shake things up soon, I may have to pack my bags and fleece. Every single party is the fucking same. Oh, and if I see the same heavily botoxed faces one more time I swear I'm gonna scream!

After the Boredom 101 class, I went home. Not before I stopped by my local carryout!

I swear that bitch can fry the hell out of a chicken wing, I tell ya! (Thanks for putting me on Dwayne) If chicken wings from a carryout aren't urban enough, I request for them to drench the wings in hot sauce. Don't judge me, I have to connect with my blackness in some way? Geez!

After some late night artery clogging, I went to bed with hopes of waking up super early. Saturday was the Lanvin for H&M launch. Dumb me didn't set my alarm! Ugh! I woke up in a frantic mess, and rushed downtown to see what was left.

This stunt queen had the nerve to walk around with two wool coats under his pudgy arm. I nicely asked, "Are you purchasing both of those coats?" He replied, "Maybe?" Upon closer observation, I saw that one of the coats was a size 36. Even with the power of prayer that fat fag would have never fit a 36. I asked, "Are you a 36 in Lanvin?" He said shortly, "I just have to try it." I stood there as he tried to shove his oversized log of an arm in the coat. "So, since you can't fit it, could I buy it?", I said. He handed it over without saying a word. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!" Thanks for the words of wisdom Kate Moss!

Before you could say "Anorexia", I had already swiped my card and was out of the door. That queen tried to do me. I don't think so!

After floating in Lanvin heaven, I walked around 14th st. I stumbled across an amazing estate sale. I bought a quite impressive framed print of Napolean. I love it!

I walked up 14 to U st and shopped all along the way. We must support our local businesses.

On Saturday night I ventured out to Recess for my friend Tim's birthday.

It was a cute time. I was a patron shot drinking machine. Lord knows how I can put back so much, with no hopes of being wasted? I guess it's all those years of training, it built up my tolerance.

I woke up on Sunday morning sans hangover feeling refreshed. I had a meeting at 1, so I scurried to get ready. After my meeting I met up with my sweet Ky'Leigh to help out with our friend's Horace and Dionne's baby shower.

It was a great time, but with all of this pregnancy talk I was thinking to myself...

...I have been extra bitchy lately. Through some scientific miracle, could I actually be...? I bought the test of course, I'll post the results on the blog later in the week. If I am, run for the hills, because it's the Apocalypse! (wink)

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Do you guys remember Tank? He's one of those male R&B singers that have kind of fallen to wayside, you know like RL, KC and Jo-Jo, Keith Sweat...I could go on and on.

I don't know if I ever really cared for his music, but by God did I have a huge crush on Tank when he first came out. I don't even think I could hear what he was singing over the cacophony that his body and lips made. So dreamy.

Apparently he has a new single called 'Emergency'. Again, I have no clue what it sounds like, because I didn't listen to it. I only watched the video with my computer on mute. Enjoy Tank in all of his shirtless goodness just as I did. Now let the church say Amen!

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On Friday Oprah aired part one of her 'Favorite Things' episode. This rich cunt gave away Phillip Stein watches, trips, hair care, books, candles, cashmere, condoms (just seeing if you were paying attention), and much more. Part two airs today, and I'll be super glued to my couch anxiously awaiting. I'm so confused why I wasn't chosen to be on the 'Favorite Things' show? Since Oprah was a little bitch and didn't invite me, I'm making a list of my own favorite things.

1. Vanilla Oreos

2. Stubbs and Wootten

3. Johnny Walker Red Label and ginger ale

4. The Pork Belly at Kushi (5th and K NW)

5. Quaker Oats "Quick 5 minute" Grits

6. Pear Brandy Sidecar at Gibson

7. Target (my new obsession)

8. Miss Jessie's Baby Buttercream (Thanks Ky)

9. Anything by Creed

10. Fresh flowers

Those are just 10 of my favorite things apart from the obvious. Make sure you watch Oprah "queen out" on part 2 of the show today. She gets so excited when she gives shit away. I'd love to excite her over and over and over again!

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So last night on 'Real Housewives of Atlanta', Nene outed Dr. Tiye as a fake. Obviously he received his doctorate online? I'm not quite sure who would actually get their doctorate online, but who am I to question.

Other highlights last night included ignorant ass Phaedra having her baby, and yet another camoe appearance from Lisa Hartwell. I've seen her ass more this season than when she was actually on the show. I'm not mad at seeing Ed though, he can stay.

Favorite quote hands down all night...

‎"I guess I never realized how well Peter and Nene get along? If that were my fiancé, I wouldn't mind. Cause if you like "this", you wouldn't be interested in "that". --Sheree Whitfield

I don't ever wanna wake up from this 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' dream. Somebody tell me that it will go on forever? It gives me exactly what I need. It's just the right mixture of urban and luxe. I get life so much that I die!

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So let me get this right. This guy...

is claiming that Wacka Focka

signed on to do a gay porn with his company? Is he serious? As much as that gives me a semi erection, it's totally not true. Apparently Wacka signed on to have sex with "Memphitz" (the homo thug above), and another guy. Wacka was to putatively perform as a "top", which means he would be doing the drilling.

I fear for this guy's life, he better zip his lips before he ends up "swimming with the fishes"! The whole story sounds cockamamy, but boy does it make for great blog news. Also catch the end of the video when "Memphitz" claims that Wacka is only 8inches! smh. Let's see how this unfolds.

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, Oooh Naa Naa, Zee Fahzion Shue, and Grand Slam!

2010-11-15T07:02:00.000-08:00

Rihanna Feat Drake - Whats My Name by WWW.VIIMAG.COM

Good Monday morning peeps! What a week it's been. Some nasty germ infested fucker had the nerve to pass their cold on to me, so I was down for the count for a couple of days. Thank God for my cocktail of one part CVS brand liquid nighttime cold medicine, 3 parts Johnny Walker Red Label, and 3 parts pulp free Simply Orange OJ.

If you are conscious enough to know you have a cold after one of these cocktails, then you SHOULD suffer the pain. After a couple of these (okay 5), I was back on my feet!

On Wednesday night I attended the private opening for BARCODE which is a new upscale sports bar on L st. It was cute. There's nothing really extraordinary about it. Hopefully it will thrive and do well. The usual DC players were there to sample the food and cocktails. I only tasted a very small plate of food, because I don't like to eat at events. I don't want people to see me actually consuming food. I like to fuel the man-orexia rumors.

On Friday my boo and I went on a day date. We strolled around to the museums downtown. The Museum of Natural History was my favorite. I was of course enthralled by the skull exhibition. It was so McQueen!

I'm so morbid that I would love to have a whole wall of skulls in my house. Don't worry though, the wall that they were nailed on would be covered in Dora the Explorer wallpaper to counter the gruesomeness of it all.

The Hope Diamond exhibit in the Harry Winston Hall! I had some black ski mask thoughts flow through my head while peering at that huge rock! If I broke the glass, do you guys think I could have gotten away? Yeah right! I'd be braiding hair in jail with my shirt tied showing my midriff before you could say "conjugal visit"! Wishful thinking though...

At the Art museum I saw some interesting names for the portraits. "Negro Boy Dancing", hmmm... Should we bring "negro" back? I think I like it more than "African American". It kind of has a ring to it--"Negro". Yeah, I like it. So from now on when I take surveys I'm crossing out African American, and I'm writing in "Negro". I die!

On Saturday I threw a fight party with a couple buddies of mine. It was a huge success. Thanks to everyone who came out.

Hi J.

(photos courtesy: Sean Martae)

While I had a packed room of guest, I was in the other room taking gay self photos in the mirror. What else should I have been doing?

The party was a blast! It took me all day yesterday to recover. Half way through the day I developed a massive headache. I felt like Howard University's marching band was performing inside my head. It was horrible until my roomie came home with some Codeine. Thanks D! Before I knew it, I was watching 'Housewives of Atlanta' sans headache. Hope your weekend was as fun as mine. Naaahhhh, there's no way...Deuces!

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Oooh Naa Naa

Ok so, how about I'm in LOOOOOVVVEEEE with this new Rihanna and Drake joint. I can't stop repeating it. Drake's bars at the beginning turn me on, which is weird because he looks like a Fraggle Rock character to me. Rihanna's studio treated T-pained Kim-Zolciaked voice sounds amazing, and her carrot top mop doesn't aggressively annoy me as it has been. Check out the video if you already haven't. This is definitely my Jam of the Week! Enjoy.

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'Zee Fahzion Sheu'

If you watched last season's 'The Fashion Show' which featured Kelly Rowland as co-host was a total snoozer. No you aren't narcoleptic, her ass was just boring as hell! This season gives me exactly what I need. That Somalian tranny Iman gives major drama! Besides her wig changing in every single camera shot, she wears dramatic clothing, and doesn't hesitate to read the contestants for filth! In the video below Iman goes off on the Vietnamese queen by calling his dress a "fashion emergency". Most of the time I can't even understand what the fuck she's saying, but I try to put 2 and 2 together.

Anyways, Iman has to be close to 90 years old! Her ass has been modeling since the economic boom after World War I. She looks amazing though. Watch the fossilized model read the queen in the video below. She gives me life! Viva Iman!

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Who could ever answer the age old question, "What the fuck is wrong with some Black people?" That's the only thing left for me to say after I saw the video below. Obviously some type of food fight went down in a Denny's restaurant on Halloween night. First, where the hell is there a Denny's? Second, why the fuck were they at Denny's? Lastly, why is the big girl wearing a lady bug costume? I'm so confused. I need answers. Not for anything, at least it's some cheap entertainment. Who cares if it sets the "Black Movement" back 20 years. (sigh)

And My Week Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This..., The Proof Is In The Pickle, Birth Control Lotion?, and "Do You Know Your Man?"

2010-11-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

Nicki Roman's Revenge by kingkrool-1

Wow, what a fucking week? I'm so drained. I'm finally moved into my new place. While I absolutely adore it, there's so much that goes into a move. I was at my old place for 8 years. You guys know how much shit I had? Does anyone have the number to the 'Hoarders' show? I'm so not kidding. I'm gonna vow to not do that here at my new place (nose growing like Pinocchio).

Anyways, thanks to my friends, family, and loved ones who made my transition run more smoothly. Also, a special thanks goes out to Knaye West for the nude pics...

(courtesy of Media Takeout)

It looks just as I imagined. You guys know that I'm the 'Penis Whisperer'? By analyzing a man's body type, facial features, and characteristics of their personality, I'm usually ALWAYS right when it comes to how their penises look. I actually have girlfriend's call me or send me pictures of their men to get an analysis. Some of you girlfriend's are reading this now and now that it's true. If I tell you to run for the high heaven's, it's no bueno. If I tell you to pull out the pots and pans and cook that nigga a full course meal, bitch you better do it. It's just one of my many talents. Nice on Yeezy!

Last week was Housecunt Nikki aka "Big Meech", aka "Little Meech", aka "Medium Meech's" birthday. Big Meech and Wubby took us friends out to din din. We dined at SEI, and it was amazing. This bish think she got a donk!

Cute!

Cute, even though I had a camel toe...(shrugs)

There's my stepsis. You know her blazer game is ALWAYS on point. She has blazers for daaaayyyyyssss. She had on that Micheal Jackson 'Rock Wit You' joint last week. What will we ever do with her? So cute!

While the girls were off to Miami the next day to celebrate Nikki's Bday, I was in cardboard box hell!

Who needs this many ties?

I had everything all ready for the movers to come scoop up. I thought that the move would be pretty painless. First of all, they showed up an hour late. By the time they had arrived, I had already wheeled down half my boxes. Then after they got there they didn't know how to move anything. I had to actually tell one of them to move out of the way so that I could move my own fucking couch. I have no clue what was breezing through those vacuous tunnels they called brains? I did make sure to make them very uncomfortable though when I told them to be very careful with the heavy box marked "anal beads". It was only books, but I wanted to see them squirm. After nearly 3 hours and $400 later, I was moved in...

Of course the place isn't done, but I love it. I love my new neighborhood. It doesn't even feel like I'm in DC. I even attempted to make breakfast for myself on Saturday morning in my new kitchen...

Yum!

After breakfast, I went to see the movie about nigger women (shakes head), I meant 'For Colored Girls'. I loathe Tyler Perry films because of their blatant "blackness", but this film wasn't so bad. The only thing that rubbed me the wrong way was how the actresses recited the poems. They all sounded like slaves. Why can't poetry written by African American authors be read in a normal tone? I can't take it. The one thing I COULD take watching was all of the eye candy in the film.

We all know that Ms. Tyler Perry never disappoints when it comes to casting his male actors.

After being Black, I needed to see some White people, so I headed of to this fundraiser for Haiti. It was at a private residence in Dupont. This house was sick!

There's Billy drinking a beer in front of the telephone booth elevator in the house. The space also had a glass foyer with a pond underneath, a water wall, a heated rooftop pool, and an amazing rooftop office space. Someday...

After the fundraiser, Papa was hungry! We headed over to Lauriol for swirls and grub.

I ate until I was on the verge of projectile vomiting, then I stopped. It's always so damn good. After gorging myself, I had "the itis". I went home and dropped into bed.

I woke up yesterday morning and went to 8 am church service. I felt like I needed some God in me. Service was great and I headed back home. I was in the house allllll day long. i hardly got off my couch. I was even too lazy to order food, so I had leftover Halloween candy for dinner. I had it with a glass of wine, so it was nutritious (wine=fruit).

Today marks my first week in my new place. It means new beginnings--new energy--new business ventures. I'm so not carrying any old baggage. I left it all at my old place. Wish me luck bitches!

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'The Proof Is In The Pickle'

Dear Phaedra,

I've been biting my tongue all season, but I can't any longer. Instead of worrying about Cynthia living in a regentrification zone, or being concerned with Nene not being "lady like", perhaps we should discuss this...

You look like you moisturized your scalp with Miracle-Gro. Why do you have flowers growing out of your hair and shit? Oh, and the rhinestones over the eyelids have to go. Besides, who dances with that tired "stunt queen" Dwight at their baby shower.

Also, your man is a convict--a fine ass convict, but a convict nonetheless. So why do you act so holier than though again?

Looks like that man learned a thing or two in prison by the way Mrs. Parks. My straight male friends that I know don't even eat pickles or bananas. They call eating anything phallic "gay shit", but your man deep throated one on national television?

Lastly, how the hell don't you know your due date? It's ok that Apollo came home from prison and turkey basted you. You're "sanctified" as you call it, but had the nerve to walk down the aisle in a white dress while a fetus grew inside you? This explains why you're being induced to labor at 7 months (wink wink).

You try to be so posh, but you're nothing but a chitterling eating outhouse using cotton picking flower in the hair wearing ghetto mess. Thanks for listening, and get that gap closed hun!

Best,

Quincy Jones

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Ummm yeah, so now there's a "Birth Control lotion" now? Obviously you rub it on your skin, and it prevents pregnancy. The lotion was tested on women between the ages of 18-30, and none of the women who used the lotion ovulated. They claimed to have little to no side effects. I don't know if I believe that. A birth control lotion with no side effects? I swear there's gonna be babies born with feet growing out of where their ears should be. Wonder what would happen if I used the lotion? Anyways, don't through away your Magnum condoms, birth control pills, and Morning After routine quite yet because the lotion won't be on the market for another 5 years. I can hear you girls now, "Boy hold on while I put my lotion on, I ain't tryin' to get pregnant!" Classic!

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For those of you who saw 'For Colored Girls' this weekend, you saw Janet's husband twirl with other men. Ladies, it's real out here and that shit goes on everyday (I know first hand--wink).

Of course my girl Alexyss Tylor was talking about it way before the movie. Listen to her go off about DL men and how they in her words, "take dick all up in dey ass". You may need to put your earphones on at work for this one. It's funny, but true! Enjoy...

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, The Like Button, Cougar Playboy, Where Are You Yeezy?, The Whites Are Whippin'?

2010-10-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

JIM JONES & NICKI MINAJ - SUPAHOT

Hey guys, It's me. You remember me right? No? Sorry about the lapse in blogging last week. I was super busy. I STILL haven't found a concrete place to live. I'm so picky! I know I better have a place by the end of the week, or I'm coming to stay with one of you guys--piles of shoes and all!

I feel like I'm so out of the loop. I missed the Beyonce pregnancy rumors...

Of course Mama Knowles has already squashed them though. Joe Jackson, I mean Tina Knowles couldn't see her cash cow getting knocked up by J. She has to kick out at least 3 more albums with full tours before Beyonce could even think of it. I would love to see her preggers though. I'm just kinda scared of what the baby would look like? Maybe they should adopt?

I also missed the Rachel Zoe preggers rumors! She is denying the rumors down even though it was confirmed that she was having a baby boy. Just from watching the show I know that Rachel wasn't happy at the idea of a crumb snatcher, but her "gusband" (gay husband) insists! I'm with Rachel carrying a baby to fashion week is not chic!

(drools)...and I missed Ocho Cinco Twitpicing his half naked body. Damn damn damn. I just wanna sing India Arie's 'Brown Skin' to him while he tosses...a football. What else did you think I wanted him to toss? Keep it PG people! (side eye)

India Arie - Brown Skin by Tetik

So as for me, you guys know what I've been doing. It's been open house one after another! I'm claiming this one particular house, and it WILL be mine. Please pray that my search is over. With all of that being said, I've been hitting up lots of happy hours. Papa has been stressed. I found that best Happy Hour in town. Firefly at the Hotel Madera has $1 drinks from 3-4, $2 drinks from 4-5, $3 from 5-6, and $4 from 6-7. They also have small plates and apps for discounted prices. My friend Ky and I had 2 glasses of wine each, and 3 appetizers and our bill was only...

$24? He even hooked us up with a free round of wine. This is the greatest place on earth. You know I'll be back. If you're in DC, try it out!

On Saturday is when I saw my dream house (the one that you all are praying for me to get). After such excitement, I stopped at Policy for a bite to eat and a drink. I went to reach for something from my bag and realized how perfect my layering arm was. Even my friend Dwayne who came to meet me after said it. It's the perfect mix of high/low.

After I ate at at Policy, Dwayne and I headed over to Marvin on U street to eat more. I had shrimp and grits! After dinner we needed another drink, so Gibson it was! Not before we used the potty. All of the male restrooms were full, so I had to resort to using the ladies.

...and this is what I saw. When they "pad", do they mean iPad? I hope so, because I put mine in there...lol.

After getting in touch with my feminine side, we went to Gibson for a pear brandy sidecar. It was AMAZING. My friend Dwayne and I comp shop sidecars all over the city. This one was actually better than my Four Seasons favorite.

After our drink, we headed to a house party. One of my old friends was throwing it. It was cute--not really my scene, but cute. I looked around the room and saw lots of 40 something gay men and thought to myself, "Is this where I'll end up?" I didn't want to be 40, gay, and doing the electric slide in someone's living room. There's nothing scarier. Everyone was really nice though, and it was nice to be the young one in the room. Guys kept saying that I was "a baby". Of course I am to their old geriatric asses! After the party, I came home and crashed--not party crashed as in the Salahi's--crashed meaning fell asleep.

On Sunday I woke up and started to pack things up at my house. At around noon I stopped for a brunch break. Normie and I went to Estadio, a new Spanish tapas restaurant in Logan Circle. It was really good. Spanish french toast with walnut butter--YUM!

I came home and napped for a tad, and then started to get ready for my girl Laura Govan's party at the Gucci store.

The party was cute. It was a great turnout. Partial proceeds went to Laura's foundation for childhood obesity. Hi Yaneek and Meta!

Speaking of obesity...

My friend Dwayne and I went to Cafe Asia last night to hear some ghetto music and dance like video hoes (kidding...kinda) and saw this chick. Why the fuck would she wear this? Then she had the nerve to be tugging on it ALL night long. She looked like a pig in a blanket. I was mad at her, so we left.

Now it's Monday morning at 10:15 am, and I'm blogging. I promise to never leave you guys for that long again. Thanks for all of the hate mail too by the way. Wow, you guys get really touchy when I don't update. Peace bitches!

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So the other day I was scrolling through Facebook on my cell phone seeing what foolish things my friends had to say and came across this...

First, I don't know if this particular person should have been on a social networking site while he was at his grandfather's wake. Second, why did 2 people like the comment? I felt so weird inside that I stayed off Facebook for 2 days. Isn't that some wild shit? Don't tweet or update your Facebook statuses at funerals people, it's sooo not cute.

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43 year old Pamela Anderson is spreading her cougar cooch for the 14th time in the pages of 'Playboy'. Her vagina is like Times Square, everybody has either seen it on television, or been there. She does look damn good for her age, but I will too if I go under the knife that many times.

My hat off to you Pam for having the confidence to pose at 43. Oh, and hats off to you as well for taking all of that dick Tommy was serving you in the porn that was "leaked" some years ago. She's had more meat in her than a refrigerator. Damn!

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So If you haven't had a chance to catch Kanye's 30 minute video for 'Runaway', here it is. Kanye can do no wrong in my eyes. Even when he snatched the mic from that little white girl, somehow I found it to be her fault.

The video is full of amazing imagery and of course his dope ass music. If you have 30 minutes of your life to waste, check out the video below.

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Whip My Hair from Zachary Baker on Vimeo.

Willow Smith's video for 'Whip My Hair' was released lat week to rave reviews. I have a feeling that this little chick is about to kill it. Her ass doesn't need any damn money as rich as her big-eared father is, but she's raking it in already with ringtone and iTunes sales.

Also, when you have won over the whites and you have them dancing to your music--you're in there! Check out the video above, as well as a host of others online mimicking the video. I've even been known to whip my hair once or twice myself. Sssshhhhh, don't tell anybody though.

House Hunter, Don't Jump!, Raz-Behave, Ride My Face?

2010-10-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

B2k ft p diddy - bumpbumpbump by perfectgirlrj

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been blogging like I'm "supposed" to but I've been frantically looking for a place to live. I'm believing I'm over the whole apartment thing, and want a house. I need space to spread my shoes out! I'm also looking for a cool neighborhood. Something kind of edgy with street thugs on the corner, but I want my neighbors to have Range Rovers and wear Tori Burch flats.

Yesterday I had an appointment for what appeared to be an amaaaazingly renovated row house on N st. in NW. I arrived early and surveyed the neighborhood. Even though it looked a tad urban, I saw yuppies jogging down the street, so I knew it was in the process of being gentrified. I checked out the place, and it was gorgeous. There were beautiful hardwood floors, and so many bathrooms that I could shit in a different one everyday of the week and not repeat. They only thing wrong was the back yard. The whole back area of the homes on that block shared a long patch of unkept mangy weed ridden trash filled grass. It totally looked like rape woods. You know in the movies when the innocent white girl (me) is jogging down the street listening to Justin Beiber on her iPod, and a ferocious salivating latino man with fangs jumps out of the woods to rape her?

Oh hell naw, it wasn't gonna be me! I quickly shook the brokers hand and left out faster than Eddie Long at a Pride Festival.

My second nightmare yesterday was a building in a prime location! Right in the "heart of Logan Circle" the ad boasted. As I walked down the street I saw a building at the end of the block. It was sunny yesterday, but oddly enough this particular building had a cloud over it. I rolled my eyes when I realized the address matched. The broker was sweaty and fat. He looked like he stopped to buy a blow job on the way. He extended his hand for me to shake it, but I smiled really big at him in lieu of a hand shake. He took me into the building, and the first thing I saw down the stairs was a rape laundry room.

You know the kind of laundry room when the again innocent white girl (me) is washing her clothes in booty shorts and a tank top with her nipples erect, and from out of nowhere a cyclops Black man jumps out of the dryer and and pulls her in and rapes her! Oh hell naw. It wasn't about to be me. I don't do public laundromats anyway. Besides the fear of being raped, I don't wanna get bed bugs or crabs from washing my clothes in a communal washer. So gross! Wish me luck house hunting!

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So I'm guessing T.I. talked a man down from a roof who was threatening to jump in ATL this week? T.I. supposedly recorded a heartfelt video for the man which police officers played to cajole the man down.

Not to jump straight there, but the guy clearly was gay. I mean, hellooooo it's ATL, and secondly if I'm a grown ass man I couldn't see being talked down by another dude. That's some sweet talking homo shit son! If I'm straight, give me a woman. Lord knows what T.I. promised this mystery man. You know Clifford is trying to portray himself in a more positive light after his possession arrest so he's pulling out all the stops. You know what I'd request from T.I. in exchange for not jumping...? (clears throat)

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Raz B was back this week accusing people of butt raping him while he was a member of Coco Dorm, I mean B2K. He obviously has issues, because he just WON'T let it go. In the video below, he goes on Marques Houston for allegedly butt raping him, and also for Omarion saying that he "has bipolar".

I'm totally not making a joke of his situation, but with lips like that can you blame Marques Houston for wanting to test that shit out? Whitney said it best when she said, "It's not right, but it's ok!" Some things you just have to let slide...

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Just when you thought urban Blacks were locked up and the key had been thrown away, they appear with the most outlandish shit EVER! Some idiot actually sat down with a pen and pad and wrote a song called, 'Ride My Face'. In this video we see a young gentleman actually demonstrating the dance on a couple of respectful females. These girls appear to be sunday school teachers, librarians, or crossing guards (side eye). I'm sorry I just can't do it! What's wrong with Blacks?

Ummm, if anyone know the shirtless one though tell him to call me. Did you see that tongue action? (so homo)

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, No Words, and Age Ain't Nuthin' But A Number?

2010-10-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Nicki Minaj - Right Through Me by LSWAG

How does someone who has no job need a personal assistant? I swear I've needed one this last week. I feel like everything in my life is up in limbo. I'm juggling knives blindfolded, there's just so much to do and not enough time. If anyone would like to devote a couple (a couple=8 hours) a day to be my personal assistant, please email me. I offer absolutely no benefits, no pay, and the boss can be a tad bitchy at times.

Anyway, my week was full of open houses and appointments to try and find a place to live. At this point I'm seriously considering the homeless shelter. Just as long as they have a cool dry place for my shoes, I'll be fine living on the streets. After a long day of appointments, I had just realized that I hadn't eaten all day. If you wanna great meal on a budget, hit up Chef Geoff's on Happy Hour. You get a burger and fries for $5.95!

It's always as good as it looks. I washed it down with a heaping glass of sangria!

This was the vicious scene half way through me finishing my meal. The plate was damn near clean before I left. And I STILL have a 26 inch waist. Who wants to fuck with me?

I know what I do fuck with, it was my bill. I'm used to paying this for one drink. My pear brandy sidecar addiction is very expensive, I need sponsors asap (cue Teairra Mari)!

After that meal, I had some major "itis". I stumbled home while scratching my full belly. I plopped my fat arse on the couch, grabbed the remote, and got it crunk with cable. Next thing I knew it was Thursday...

photo courtesy of REVAMP.COM

On Thursday I attended the DC Magazine 5th Anniversary party. The party was held at the amazing PNC building on 17th st. What a lovely venue. I had an amazing time with my friends, and met lots of new people.

There's Dwayne and Normie waiting to exit the party. After the soiree, Dwayne and I headed to Rogue for a burger. We split it because we had outfits to fit into for the upcoming weekend!

Saturday it was back to house hunting. Here is my apartment search swag. Maybe if I spent less time coordinating outfits and concentrating on apartments, I'd be in one by now. Ugh.

Later on in the day my ace J had a birthday/housewarming party. It was a blast.

Here is Dwayne trying to teach me to play spades. I have no clue how to play or even know what the objective is. I'll just stick to my number one hobby--watching 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' on dvr.

After the party, I headed over to Josephine's to do some market research. I've been asked to do some promoting there, and wanted to check out the crowd. Most of the crowd looked like "upscale Jersey Shore fist pumpers", while others were tasteful and refined. We had a cocktail, and headed back home.

Sunday morning it was time for an open house for a place that I REALLY wanted. I wore leopard print to show my aggressiveness. The open house was at 10 am. I arrived at 10:04, and there were already two people there filling out applications and leaving deposits. Damn you white people move quick. I thought I was on time? They must have been waiting on the front porch? I looked around what I hoped to be my new place, and quickly got discouraged. I left without filling out an application and went to have a mimosa (okay I had 3).

I napped and watched tv all day until I had to get up and prepare for my friend's "engagement dinner". The "dinner" was held at The Ritz Carlton at Pentagon City. The cocktail hour began at 7. It was amazing. The passed hors d'œuvres were to die for and the drinks matched. I wouldn't expect anything less from my girl Nikki Madi!

Here is Meta and company having libations while we wait to have "dinner" (wink wink). After cocktail hour a nice gentleman came to the door and announced that dinner would be later. He escorted us into another room that was set up for a wedding ceremony. We had been duped! Bamboozled! This wasn't an engagement dinner, they were getting married. I love surprises, and I love weddings, so I was in gay heaven.

Nikki looked absolutely stunning in a strapless fitted fish tailed gown. Even in a wedding dress, she still couldn't hide all that ass though...lol.

The bride and groom exchanging vows.

Here is the reception room. Everything about the wedding was perfect. Congrats Nik and John!

You people were telling me that yesterday was a holiday? I have no clue, I'm unemployed everyday runs together. You could tell me that today is Saturday and I'd believe you. I was pretty productive yesterday. I did things around the house, and did work online. I felt good about things. I wanted to reward myself with dinner and a movie.

I met up with J, and we went to SEI. It was so yummy. After din din, we went to see Freakonomics at E St Cinema.

The movie was an interesting documentary that studied incentive based thinking. What is people's motivation to do certain things. Once you find other people's motivation, you can mold situations to your favor. Great movie!

After the movie I went home to catch RHWOA. It's become an addiction, and it's only the 2nd episode. Watch what happens! lol...

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Did you guys hear about the gang members in the Bronx who tortured boys who they "believed" to be gay? They burned them with cigarettes, beat them, and sodomized them with plungers.

They ALL deserve to rot in jail. It seems that there is a resurgence of gay bashing. Are these youngsters following a trend, or are they really that hateful towards gays? These assholes are minorities themselves, and should know how being judged and discriminated against feels.

I'm just hoping justice is served, and the victims and their families cope as best as possible. So disgusting!

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Speaking of disgusting...Why is Miley Cyrus dressing like she works in the Red Light District lately? Isn't she like 12 or something? When she becomes "of age" what will she be wearing? There really isn't much more she could take off. If she's photographed wearing a maxi pad and nipple clamps at the next Teen Choice Award, I wouldn't be surprised. If that "Achy Breaky Heart" man don't tell his daughter to put some damn clothes on, I will. I couldn't see my daughter going around dressed in whore gear. They already grow up waaaay too fast. When I was 17, my mom still had me in pigtails sucking a lollipop. Maybe that's where my problems come from now? Hmmm...

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, Blank Stare, and Cadillac Kim?

2010-10-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hope She Cheats On You (with a Basketball Player) Remix Marsha Ambrosius ft. E-Z by itsEZ

Yeah bitches! I hope everyone had a great weekend. If you are on the East Coast, we had amazing weather on Saturday--simply picturesque! Yesterday was a different story, but you guys know I love the rain--I'm morbid like that!

Anyway, I had a whirlwind of a week. In the midst of trying to drum up business, and apartment searching, the week was full of events. On Wednesday my friend Aureta was honored at The Phillips Museum by The Washingtonian Magazine. She was named one of 2010's Washington DC 'Stylesetters'. No one deserves the award more than her. The Magazine featured her in a spread where she was impeccably photographed. Check out more on the event here...

The event was fun, and featured all of the usual "DC Socialites". During the event I had to sneak away to...

You guys should already know.

Everyone looked great at the event, but Erika of 'Real Housewives of DC' stole the show in a chic LBD with black lace up python Louboutins. I told her that I should knock her in the head with my wine glass for wearing those. Amazing.

Hi Dwayne!

After the event, we were starving. Of course we went to Bourbon Steak to chow down.

There's Aureta walking into Bourbon Steak. She looked so amazing that she literally stopped traffic! Perhaps she's missed her calling as a traffic guard. i can see her now directing traffic in avant garde couture!

On Thursday it was more apartment searching. Please let me now if anyone has a 2 bedroom for rent available for a November 1st move in date. In DC of course preferably downtown or Logan/Dupont area. I'm gonna give it another try today, and if nothing else comes up in my price range I'm considering being homeless. I hope they have walk in closets at the shelter, because I have loooots of shoes.

On Friday I had errands all day! It was almost time for me to run back home to get ready for an event, and I remembered that I hadn't eaten all day. It was like 4 pm, and the only thing I had in my mouth was a toothbrush. Well...

What do you eat when you're in a hurry, and don't have time to sit? Fast food! McDonald's it was! Even after all of the bad Facebook PR, I had to do it. I was 3 minutes away from fainting and meeting my maker. While in line waiting for my processed nuggets and french fries drenched in grease, I saw her...

She inspired a Fall look for me. I see all winter white, kinda like Whitley Gilbert from 'A Different World'. I'm gonna do it in a suit and turtleneck though. Make sure you look out for that. See how you can find inspiration anywhere?

After clogging my arteries, I rushed home to get ready for the ALL Access VIP Fashion Show and Reception at Tysons Corner Galleria. The special invited guest was Patricia Field. She looked like she died back in the 80's, but she was extremely sweet.

After meeting her, we hit it back into the city to stop by Bourbon Steak to say hello to Dwayne. It was my alma matter's homecoming weekend, so I had friends in town.

We hit up Bourbon Steak, we hit up Kushi and devoured our food. We ordered everything under the sun. It was amazing!

The only thing that was bad (and always is) is that ridiculous manager Tom. He has a chip on his shoulder. Actually, fuck that, he has a BAG of chips on his shoulder. He definitely shouldn't be working in the service industry. Perhaps her should consider working for the DMV, or at the Comcast call center? They employ rude fuckers like him.

After Kushi it was Buddha Bar.

After Buddha Bar, it was home.

Saturday I apartment searched all day long. When I got home I was exhausted. I knew I had my brother Kenny's birthday party later that night, so I got acquainted with my couch and 'Keeping Up With The Kardashian' re runs.

I got a call from my girl around 6 saying that she had box seat tickets to go see Drake, but we had to move quick.

I was ready before you could say "Drizzy"!

The show was great, but there were waaaay too many youngins there. Maybe I'm just getting too old or something?

Drake was doing what he does best--sounding nasal.

Catch the girl in the middle of the picture in the purple dress. This bitch was wearing a tiara, and the worst poofy dress I had ever seen. She looked like she stepped off the set of the ghetto version of 'My Super Sweet 16'. She wasn't even sitting there by the way. She made her way up the front, and security kept telling her to go back to her seat which was a nose bleeder. She couldn't see listening to them. Every time I looked down, she popped back up like a groundhog out of it's hole. What a dumb broad!

After the show we went over to Bar 7 to celebrate with my brother Kenny. Here he is...

Well, that's his cleavage. He wore a really cute kimono style sweatshirt from one of my favorite stores. I couldn't see telling you which one, and Kenny couldn't see wearing a shirt under it! He was in the gym all week working on chest for this one!

My girl's Migdalia and Sheemia were on deck looking beautiful if I may ad. After consuming our weight in alcohol, we went to Oohs and Ahhs and washed it down with chicken wings, greens, and mac and cheese.

No wonder I felt so heavy yesterday. Yesterday it was (say it with me) more apartment searching. And guess what I'm doing today? Yeah, you got it. Now leave me alone so I can get dressed. (wink)

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Blank Stare

I don't know what I can really say about this. For starters I can say that it's disturbing, and wrong on so many levels. Is it entertaining? Yes. So watch.

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Cadillac Kim?

I know you guys are tired of hearing about Jim Jones, I mean Eddie Long and his accusers, but just one more thing (don't take my word for that). This cunt Cadillac Kim went off on YouTube recently about Long and his allegations of fondling man sacs. Even though this broad is a bamma, she does speak some truth. And by damn is it funny!

This bitch needs help...lol

Making A "Long" Story Short, Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down, Cristiano Ronaldo,

2010-09-29T05:55:00.000-07:00

So Crazy (Remix) - Fred da Godson ft. Wacka Flacka & Camron by BBlanco

Bear with me today people. I just can't quite get it together for some reason. Hold on one sec...

Ahhh, there we go.

So, it seems that Eddie "Suck My Balls And Call Me Daddy After Sunday School" Long really didn't tell us much at his press conference on Sunday. He claims not to be "the man they're portraying him to be in the media". His cult, I mean congregation fully supported him, while giving him standing ovations. I'm also sure the collection plate was extra heavy last Sunday as well.

(Eddie Long to G Dub: You know, It's such a coincidence that your last name is "Bush". Look at that guy sitting on the third pew to your left...)

Anywho, yesterday reporters caught up Jamal Parris one of the men coming forth accusing Long of boner banging. In the video Jamal says that Long wanted him to call him "Daddy". You know how many men have wanted me to call them "Daddy"? Let me tell you, it wasn't in no damn church either!

I'm not saying Long was right, but this Jamal Parris is kinda cute. I would have maybe waited until 12:01 am on his 18th birthday to slip a mickey in his communion wine if I were Long too. Parris went on to say that when the next young piece of d&a (dick and ass) came around, they were thrown to the wayside. All of the money, lavish gifts, and trips also stopped immediately. I wonder if Eddie takes off his lace front when he's tagging it? So gross! Well, I've done worse things for money, you know like working for Neiman Marcus? That was bad! Ugh...

Check it out Jamal Parris telling his story here.... I bet Long had some fun with those lips? I'm just saying.

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Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down!

The video you are about to see is pretty damn funny, but I posted it as more of a warning to my heterosexual male readers. Warning: Be wise about who you chose to disrespect! I always say that hell hath no fury like a gay man's scorn. When poked and prodded, gays are some of the most hateful fuckers on earth. Just combine the up and down emotions of a woman with the strength and testosterone of a man, and see what you get. It's pretty much a recipe for a good ass whipping. The man in the video below got just that.

He was probably fuckin' with that poor tranny, and look at what he got in return--a bloody nose. Serves that little bitch right--not the tranny, the man.

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It's no doubt that Soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo is sexy, but his new Armani underwear commercial takes it to the next level. His body and face look amazing!

My number one underwear ad of course is Marky Mark and Kate Moss for Calvin Klein, followed by David Beckham for Emporio Armani, Djimon Hounsou for Calvin shot by photographer Peter Lindbergh, and lastly the newest Calvin Klein X commercial with Mechad Brooks. Wow, you would have thought I was on a camping trip with all the tents I pitched watching that commercial. As a matter of fact...(pulls up YouTube)

And My Weekend Went A Lil' Somethin' Like This, and "Fuck Em Girl" Monday/Bend It Like Beckham

2010-09-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

T-Pain Ft. Rick Ross - Rap Song by ImFlashy

Morning guys! I've had such a busy week. Between trying to get my company up and running, looking for an apartment, and my busy social schedule, I've been swamped. And just remember, whatever you do, I do in a bow tie! That's the life I chose though...lol.

On Thursday I did a bit of shopping with girlfriends. We went to the shops at Chevy Chase.

After our last excursion at Dior we sat down at M Cafe for a bite to eat. We all had lots of catching up to do, so let's just say the sun ws setting when we finished the ke ke fest!

I headed back downtown towards home, an totally forgot about a Johnny Walker tasting that I was asked to attend. I b-lined it over to Mass Avenue to where it was held. There was a small reception with catered bites, following an extremely informative tasting that was held in a television studio.

This was the scene in the tasting room. No it's not a Microsoft convention!

After drinks with my girls, the reception, and then the tasting, I was a little buzzed. Only the fear of God stopped my from lifting my shirt like I was on 'Girls Gone Wild'. I kept it together until the end of the presentation, only to hear that the after party for the tasting was at Buddha Bar. Oh, and they said "free drinks". Two words that really shouldn't be grouped together at ANY time. Of course I went. It was a good time, and used what I learned at the tasting to order the perfect Johnny Walker cocktail.

I left Buddha Bar and headed home. I was talking to my friend Dwayne on the phone, and stumbled across a stallion at the ATM. I took a picture of the guy to send to Dwayne, because I know he would want to see what I had witnessed. All of that body at an ATM? Looks like he lives by the 'Jersey Shore' rules of GTL (Gym, Tan, and Laundry).

Get into how he knows I'm taking a picture of him. He poses actually. Good one Quincy...lol

On Friday I packed a bag to head over to my girlfriend Yaneek's house to help her pack. She was moving from Maryland into VA. We packed up in record time, so we decided to hit the streets. Bourbon Steak it was! We can't resist the pear brandy sidecar, but there was also a surgeon convention in town. My plan was to faint in the middle of the bar, but it was too crowded. I wanted to make it dramatic, and in a crowded bar, it would have been hard to do.

After libations at Bourbon, we went to Buddha. After Buddha, we met me friend Christon at the Fireplace. He was there and saw a recent ex. We rushed to his side to be with him. We all know that sucks, and it feels good to have the support of your friends when you're going through a breakup. We had a drink there, and hit it to my girlfriend's house. We had to be up uber early to start the move.

Wake up time was 8 am, and my eyes felt like someone had superglued them together, they just wouldn't open. I needed some breakfast for fuel, so we checked out a local greasy spoon.

I'm glad we did, because this bitch fried the shit outta my eggs. People rarely ever get my eggs right, but she did. I like them fried over hard, not burnt-nothing runny.

After moving all day, I headed back into the city. I had a friend here visiting from LA, so we checked out Gibson. It was cute, they have some of the best drinks in the city!

After drinks, I met Dwayne on 14th street. We were going to try this new place, but before we did, we had to go see my friend AJ Parham perform at HR-57.

He's an amazing jazz performer. The show was great.

During intermission A.J. beckoned Dwayne onstage. Dwayne is a classically trained pianist, so he wanted him to perform a piece for the audience. Dwayne tore it up, and the audience went wild. They had no clue all of that was going to come from those skinny jeans, and cashmere cardigan!

After our jazz excursion, we grabbed a bite at Estadio on 14th. It was so good. It's tapas style, and everything is seasoned to perfection. Make sure you try it out of you're in DC. With a full stomach, we rolled ourselves onto the street, and contemplated going to a house party that our friends were throwing. After conquering "the itis", we decided to go.

Our girl Endiah met us there. She brought her own Patron! She couldn't see rail liquor.

The party was cute, but there were girls there in flats so we left. We headed over to Endiah's restaurant on U st and grubbed down!

It was 4 am at this point, so I headed home to get some rest. My body was literally aching from moving day. I'm getting old. I can certainly tell the difference from now and a decade ago. There's no way I could do the things I did back then, I'd die! Not a Rachel Zoe "I die", but literally 8 feet under!

Yesterday I slept for the better part of the day. I got up at around 3:30 to meet friends for lunch, and came back home for round 2 of sleep.

I got up and ate dinner (Thanks J) while watching 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'. I chased a shot of NyQuil with my glass of wine, and before you knew it, I was knocked out! Come se dice "Thank God for NyQuil" en espanol?

Happy Monday fuckers!

I was talking to my girlfriend last night on the phone. She told me the most offensive story ever. It had something to do with a man and him totally disrespecting his woman. He seemed to have no clue he was being disrespectful, but I can't see how that's possible. Guys never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they have it together, they do something else to fuck things up.

Have you guys heard about heartthrob David Beckham and his alleged cheating?

Hopefully it's not true, but how could he cheat on Victoria? How could he have another bitch lick on his soccer balls when Victoria staves herself for him! What a pig!

So every Monday I will post your men bashing stories. Send them to me, I can't wait. You know those stories that your friend tells you, and all you can say is, "Fuck Em Girl"?

I don't condone violence, but sometimes you get pushed so far that you have no choice to slap the shit out of your man. Just don't kill them like these bitches do though...

The "Long" and Short of it All, Kate in 3D!, and NFL DUI

2010-09-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

The "Long" and Short Of It All

Well, well, well...It's no secret that "the church" is full of poo pirates, but our latest allegation of butt banging comes from "homophobe" Eddie Long. Long is the senior pastor of the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Lithonia, Georgia where he gave "kneel down at the alter" a whole new meaning.

Allegedly Long used his position as pastor to coerce young boys into a sexual relationship. Supposedly, the young men who are now 20 and 21, were given cars, lavish gifts, and were taken on trips in exchange for a ride on Long's schlong.

I grew up in the church, and I'm a witness that they're more undercover gays there than at a gloryhole. I get more phone numbers at church than any club I've ever been to. I'm just saying...

1.) I don't trust ANY man that lives in Atlanta and claims to be straight.

2.) Any man that wears a muscle shirt and vest as pictured above definitely digs in "boy cave".

3.) Anyone that is soooo against gay marriage is definitely gay.

4.) Again, I don't trust ANY man that lives in Atlanta and claims to be straight.

5.) Eddie Long loved Patti LaBelle, and she performed at his church. No straight man has EVER escaped Patti LaBelle's presence, and hasn't looked at a man in "that way". Patti is our "recruiter"--she works for and with us. She has been turning straight men gay for years. You could be the straightest of straight, but after a session with Patti, you'll end up vogueing in denim shorts and combat boots!

6.) He smiles with his eyes in most photographs.

7.) I Don't trust ANY man that lives in Atlanta and claims to be straight.

Eddie Long: T.I. come over here and take a picture with me. Praise the Lord!

T.I.: That's what's up Pastor. Great sermon! Especially the part about when you said you hated fags.

Eddie: Oh yeah T.I., you know me. I don't play that gay stuff man. Praise the Lord!

T.I.: Ahhh Pastor, are you supposed to have you finger in my butthole while we take this picture?

Eddie: Yes! I'm anointing it with oil, so that you may be blessed!

T.I.: Aiiight then, in that case..."You can do whatever you like..."

Ok, so I know I may go to hell for all of this, but it sure was funny. It will be interesting to see how the story unfolds. (laughing) Eddie Long straight? Haaaaa

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Kate in 3D

ANOTHER Magazine has released the first 3D Fashion movie. The movie features our favorite coke snorting supermodel. No not Naomi, Kate. Kate Moss looks amazingly stunning in the film. The 3D glasses are free when you purchase this month's addition of the mag. Enjoy the video, and happy coke snorting!

Enjoy the vid sans glasses here...

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NFL DUI

Sexy footballer Braylon Edwards was arrested the other night and charged with a DUI. That's not really news to me, I just wanted an excuse to post his shirtless pics. Who hasn't had a DUI?It's like having the chicken pocs, you have to have it at least once.

Bottoms up Braylon!