Ashley talks a lot...

When "Living the Dream" Isn't Enough

2019-01-14T07:34:00.000-05:00

We sat in therapy and he had tears in his eyes, "I just don't understand. We are living the dream. House, kids, everything we prayed for. Why isn't that enough?"

This will stand out to me for a long time. Not just because I saw my husband cry, which rarely happens. Not because I felt guilty or shamed in any way (I didn't at all). Not because there was an uncomfortable amount of silence following this question.

It will stand out for a long time because it helped shift my perspective massively even in the throes of depression.

Depression soaks the color up out of my life like a sponge. The days get dark and dreary and I can't shake the feeling away. Life not only looks colorless, it feels dull. I lose my energy and motivation for things, even things I enjoy. Motherhood feels like this impossible task that never ends. I feel like a failure at life.

Previous to my diagnosis of Bipolar Depression (in 2017), I would have said I was "in a funk." The problem with that I was convinced I could just pull myself up out of that place and set my feet on more steady ground. I thought I was doing something wrong because I continued to find myself in a place of struggling, again. And again. And again.

Adding the term "downswing" to describe my times of depression has given me hope. It isn't that I am failing at life and find myself in this place of struggling that I should be able to climb out of by my own willpower and strength. I am depressed. Something isn't inherently wrong with me as a person. I still have value and worth, even when I'm depressed. The problem can be, at times, remembering this truth.

My husband is such a huge help and support to me. That is why I wasn't offended or felt shame when he asked the question above. I knew his heart was for me. But he can still struggle to understand the reality of living with the struggle of depression.

So he asked this question. And I paused. Why wasn't this amazing life that I live enough for me? The answer is simply that depression lies. Depression leaves me thinking that I'm not good enough, I'm failing, there must be something more to life than this. It steals the joy from my life.

The key here is shifting my perspective. Because my husband is right. We are indeed living the dream. We are seeing the fruit of our many, many prayers over the years. We have four children. We own our home. We are on track financial, more than we've ever been before. Life is pretty stable. There hasn't been any crazy crisis in a while. I truly can't complain right now.

But depression tricks me. So I can help remind myself of the truth in the trenches. I am living the dream even when it doesn't feel like it. And even when life is hard, because believe me, we still have hard days, I can rest in the knowledge that I am right where the Lord has called me to be. I'm not doing anything wrong to bring about this struggle, this depression. And there's nothing I can do to pull myself out by my bootstraps either.

There's freedom to be found in that reality. I can't do anything to control this. I've just got to learn how to "ride the waves." This involves lots of grace for my downswings. Lots of understanding from my dear husband and children. And hope that life won't always feel like it does when I'm depressed. Trusting that eventually, the depression will lift.

Life will feel steady again.

2018 in Review {and hello again}

2018-12-31T08:00:00.000-05:00

I started 2018 in a desperate place. My 2017 was a year of refinement. That was my word and it is exactly what came about. I felt broken and weary and walking in darkness. I needed something new to come about. My word came to me very easily. It was clear something needed to change. I was struggling and needed a fresh breath of air to revive me. And here it was...

Renew

I prayerfully anticipated what the Lord would do during these 365 days of 2018. I held onto this meaning of renew: to give fresh life or strength to. I craved this newness of life for the upcoming year. Like I said, I needed it desperately. I was holding on by a thread. Burnt out on life and struggling to get by.

Renewal has been the center of countless prayers throughout the year. I see God moving in my heart, bringing about renewal. Filling me with strength to live this life he has called me to. I see renewal in my family. I see renewal most everywhere I look. I chose the word renew with much hope. And I haven’t been disappointed. God is doing a great work.

source: pinterest

Here me: it wasn't by my own strength or strong will. God moved in me and brought about change. He pulled me out miry bog and put my feet on a rock (Psalm 40:2). Now, that isn't to say that 2018 has been a walk in the park. I still have my struggles. But overall, I'm leaving the year much better than I entered it.

I read the following in my Advent devotional this past month and it painted a clear picture for me of how my year went:

The dawn of a new day comes slowly, with a gradual lightening of the sky. With every blink the sky seems to brighten, but it does not happen in an instant. We perceive the sunrise in incremental stanzas until the fullness of light overwhelms the last ribbons of darkness, and we realize we are now standing in the full brightness of a new day.

It's a good place to be. Standing in the light of a new day. Feeling stronger and ready to tackle what lies ahead.

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What to expect with this blog moving forward? Well, it's been a while since I posted here. Intentionally. Maybe I'll write about that sometime? For right now, I think it's time to revive this old beauty of a blog. Please excuse the mess while I bring it back to life.

I can't guarantee a certain number of posts in a certain time period. Hopefully you're okay with that. But I've had this desire growing to write again. And it's going to be a goal of mine moving into 2019. I hope you'll come along for the ride.

Loosening My Grip {and letting go}

2015-09-11T17:56:00.001-04:00

It's been a while. Again. My hands will have to get used to this feeling, tapping the keys to share my heart. It feels so foreign. But I've got something important to share, so I'm going to work through the awkwardness of not having done this in a while.

A photo posted by Ashley Wells (@ashleytalksalot) on Jul 21, 2015 at 1:46pm PDT

Yes. It's been a while. I'm sorry. But not sorry.

Life is going by so fast. I'm doing my best to embrace and enjoy each moment, each smile, each day. We only get to live through today once. Then it's over. I want to make the most of it.

A photo posted by Ashley Wells (@ashleytalksalot) on Jul 10, 2015 at 12:50pm PDT

This summer has been a season of stretching into my skin a little better while God makes some adjustments. It's been a season of losing things. It's been a hard season. But yet, I sense growth through it. Isn't growth so often painful?

Through this difficult season, God has been doing some refining in my heart and now I feel the sense to make some changes in my life. Changes that will free me from some guilt (self-induced mostly) and free me to fully live more in the way I feel God is calling me.

A photo posted by Ashley Wells (@ashleytalksalot) on Jul 19, 2015 at 3:03pm PDT

I feel like I'm having a hard time explaining. Let me try again.

Many, many years ago, before the kids came to us, I had a friend who was also going through the adoption process. It had been a while for them too. I asked her once how she gets through the hard days of waiting and yearning but not seeing her desires come to fruition. She said that she could easily tighten her grip on this desire to adopt and have kids, demanding that God give it to her, holding on to it so tightly and not letting go.

OR

She could loosen her grip, even open her palm flat, and allow God to move and work in the way He sees fit for her ultimate good. Not demanding God to give her kids, not gripping the desire so tightly that God can't work in the midst. But instead, be open to whatever God has planned.

For far too long I've been holding tightly to certain things in my life, even when I was sensing that God was asking me to let go. This blog, this space, my writing...I've been holding them so tightly and refusing to let go, even though I kept feeling like God was asking me to lay it aside deep down in my heart.

It's time to loosen my grip, open my palm, and let go.

I haven't been writing as openly or as frequently. That's really why. I've been battling between my desire to hold on and God's asking me to let go.

I've realized lately why it has been so hard to accept quitting this blog. I didn't realize how wrapped up I had made my identity with my writing and this platform. I didn't know how tightly I had been holding onto this space.

In the beginning, this blog was vital to my sanity and well-being. It gave me a connection outside of my home when I was feeling lost in my new role as homemaker.

That has been seven years ago now. Life has changed so much. This blog has even evolved through those years. But, now it is time to shut the door on this chapter of my life.

God is asking me to lay this blog aside (along with some things in my personal life). He has other places He wants me to devote my very limited time and energy, outside of my home and family.

It's not that I'm leaving the internet. Because I'm on Instagram and Facebook, and I'm even starting to dip my toes into Periscope occasionally (and weekly for foster and adoptive mamas). I still run Together in the Trenches for foster and adoptive moms, and we have even started planning our second retreat!

A photo posted by Ashley Wells (@ashleytalksalot) on Jun 15, 2015 at 8:23pm PDT

It's just that God is asking me to lay some things aside to pursue other things. I only have so much time and I can't do it all. I have to find the best things that God wants me to pursue right now, right where I am.

I feel such a clear sense that God wants me to focus on real life. Encouraging others in-the-flesh, face to face, and also planning more events that bring women together and build community.

A photo posted by Ashley Wells (@ashleytalksalot) on Aug 26, 2015 at 11:07am PDT

It's been a great ride. I have loved sharing my heart with you all through the years. Thank you for coming along on the journey with me!!!