Quarter Lifer

Home Sweet Home

2006-06-14T08:36:00.000-05:00

Somedays you can't help but love where you live....

Stupid People In Large Groups Are Dangerous

2006-06-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

I avoid shopping on weekends like the plague.
Why?
Mostly to avoid commiting several acts of homicide in one day. The weekend is some sort of dinner bell for the stupid masses to all come out at once, drive 10 mph under the speed limit & generally fuck up my day. When I run errands on the weekend I usually have a list. I just want to get my shit & get back to the safety of my house. When I can not do my shit in a timely fashion I get rather aggitated.

So I have devised a theory:
- Weekend shoppers are actually cults of stupid people meeting up with 'their kind'.
- Christmas shopping is their annual stupid people convention.

I'm pretty sure the convention motto is "Huh?"

Case in point:

Last weekend my aunt called me to help her fix her computer. This is one of my least favorite activities for several reasons:
1) She still uses AOL Dial up & wonders why her computer is always jammed full of spyware.
2) She always wants me to fix her chat monitoring software - Sorry, I have moral issues with spying on kids who haven't done anything wrong.
3) She insists on writing down everything I do even though she could never replicate the processes herself. This adds at least an hour to my visits.

In order to make the dreaded house call more worthwhile I decided to pick up some laptop speakers from Compusa. I know exactly what I want. There is no good reason for this to be more than a 10 minute endeavor. I allowed enough time to get to Comp, grab the speakers & make it to my aunt's house by 4pm on Sunday. I was in line at approximately 3:45. I would continue to stand in line behind exactly one patron for the next 20 minutes.

How is this possible considering my flawless planning you ask? BECAUSE I WAS IN LINE BEHIND THE MOST FUCKING INEPT SHOPPER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

The man in front of me had exactly 5 items (3 crappy routers, a pair of headphones & a single can of air). Do you know why I distinctly remember the number of items? Because he insisted on having each item rung up seperately. He clearly didn't have this plan when he got up to the cashier, but had decided to wing it. Which left me standing there watching this man's thought process unfold before my eyes. I can say with great confidence he was no rocket scientist. If not for his overly suburban 'I so drive a mini-van' attire I wouldn't have even consider him for the position of rocket janitor.
The rest of the ordeal played out like this:
1) Man decides he wants one item rung up seperately from the other four items. Apparently because there is some sort of rebate involved. He pays with his credit card.
2) Man decides he wants the next two items rung up together, but seperate from the remaining two items.
3) Man changes his mind - Decides he wants the two items seperate from each other. He pays for each item with his credit card.
4) Man decides that the headphones & canned air can be rung up together. Again he reaches for his credit card.
5) Stop the fucking presses - He changes his mind AGAIN. Apparently there might be a rebate on the headphones & those need to be individually rung up as well. Out comes the plastic card of doom. I am pretty sure the magnetic strip has worn off by now. My hostility level has become sufficeintly high enough that I briefly consider grabbing the card from him, slicing his jugular open with it in a Macgyver-esque fashion & then possibly doing a ritual dance in his blood. I figure then he would at least be able to sympathize with how bad my day was going.
6) Finally, we get to the last item: After 2 bags, 5 transactions & 20 some minutes of my life that I will never get back... the end is in sight.
Or so I thought....
With nothing left but a $5.67 can of air, yes AIR as in the shit you breathe for free every second of your life, he stops to contemplate cash or credit? He opts for cash which then leads him to pull out his coin purse looking thing - It was the old man kind that you squeeze and it opens up. Which actually looks wildly similar to a pocket pussy....

After digging around in his coin pussy for what seemed like an eternity he decided he didn't have exact change and gave the woman $6 in cash. So, now I have to wait for change to be made & of course, one more receipt to print.

After the man left I felt it was my duty to voice my frustrations to the cashier. I was hoping for some sort of 'Wasn't he an idiot?' bond to form. Unfortunately, she must have been a cult member in her off time since she didn't seem at all phased by the previous customer.
Then the final kick in the head...The cashier tells me that she could have just printed out multiple copies of the receipt for his rebate forms.
YOU DUMB CUNT, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM THAT INSTEAD OF ME?!?!?!

No more weekend shopping for me for awhile. They sell things on the internet for a reason - To keep people like me sane.

If You Are In Marketing Or Advertising...Kill Yourself

2006-05-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

I recently mentioned I have become so irritated with the state of television that I've decided to make my rants on the topic a semi-regular post. Today my beef is primarily with commercials....

Name That Tune...
Maybe I'm getting to the age when you start to notice these things, but I was really depressed to see what music is now backing commercials. I understand there have been many sellouts when it comes to adding music to commercials. However I still expect there to be some relevance between the music & whatever piece of crap product is being sold to me. I also don't want any commercial played so much that I forget there was once a real musician behind the song & that it wasn't always used to hock hemorrhoid cream.

Examples
1) Blondie - One Way or Another
Not too long ago I was having a drink at a local martini bar & I heard this song come over the speakers. It occurred to me that my first thought wasn't of Debbie Harry or BCBG's or punk rock. My first though was in fact of the Swiffer. Thinking about dusting while at a bar is depressing. To make it worse I then began to think that things I consider music history to today's kids is nothing more than a jingle for sweeping with little to no meaning in the grand scheme of things.

2) Ann Wilson & Mike Reno - Almost Paradise
Is this a sappy, straight out of the eighties cheesy ballad? Well, yeah. However, it is also the love theme from Footloose. Footloose is one of those classic, so my childhood, girly movies that just happens to hold a special place in my heart. Dancing, young Kevin Bacon & Sarah Jessica Parker, an angry John Lithgow....What more could you want?
Taking that into account, imagine my surprise to hear the song on my TV the other day. I wasn't in the room so I missed the product the song was now being associated with. Luckily, all good commercials are played to death & it was only a matter of time before I got another chance to see it. I have yet to figure out exactly what the point of the commercial is, but I now know it is for M&M's & has something to do with the backseat of a car. Sounds kind of dirty for candy, but then again I put no limit on the lengths marketing people will go to to make a buck. Regardless of what the "plot" is the song has been ruined for me.

3) Tone Loc - Wild Thing
I enjoy this song, but don't really have any profound emotional attachment to it. What I do know is this is probably NOT the song I would choose to represent Mother's Day. Of course I am not the people at Kmart. You read that right - Kmart is celebrating the woman who brought you into this world with a Monsters of Rap classic. I don't know about the rest of you but I can't not resolve buying mom a kmart diamond necklace (as if that isn't bad enough) with the following lyrics:

I keyed the door we cold hit the floor looked up and it was her mother
I didn't know what to say I was hanging by a string
She said "Hey you two I was once like you and I liked to do the wild thing"

I guess it'd be nice to have a sympathetic mom should you get caught having sex, but I think there are better reasons to appreciate my mom.

The Era of Prescription Pimps...
Ok, we have all adjusted to the overly informative yet highly unnecessary prescription drug commercials nowadays. Thanks to these commercials I now know more than I ever wanted to about all kinds of shit. Why just the other day I found out the appropriate term for "My dick won't go down!" is priapism.
The most frustrating part is there is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON for any of these commercials to exist. First off, the ads are for a specific drug, that regardless of how many commercials they run is ONLY available from a doctor. Hopefully a doctor you trust enough to make these recommendations for you. Unless of course you are one of those people who enjoys being brainwashed & actually do believe everything you see on TV.
My next beef is the drugs advertised tend to be expensive, but highly specific. I find it hard to believe that limp dick is as big of a problem as my TV seems to think it is. If erectile dysfunction really is causing a nationwide catastrophe I have some very attractive, fully functioning men I can introduce you to.
Lastly, it irritates me to no end to know that the commercial being played is driving up the costs of already outrageously priced medications. During my recent bout of unemployment I could still afford my doctor & dentist even though I didn't have insurance. Why? Because those are real people who were willing to help me through a rough patch as opposed to forcing me to forgo my health.
Guess what breaks my budget every time I'm without insurance? Prescriptions. At 26 yrs old I have all of three scrips I need - Celexa, Allegra-D & my birth control. Prior to the first two coming out in generic those 3 medications equal approximately $243.97, almost 25% of my monthly income while on unemployment. Even buying generic the total is still upwards of $175 per month. Do you think Walgreens cares if I'm broke? Think the prescription companies would let me pay in installments? Hell no. They have to fund those fucking commercials.

Some of my favorite pill popping commercials...
1) Flomax
First off, is this just the worst name ever for a drug that helps you pee better?
Anyway, Flomax is aimed at men who have a enlarged prostate, but not prostate cancer. What percent of the average TV viewing audience is this going to interest? Are there lots of enlarged prostates running around & I just missed a memo?
Relevance aside, at the end of this commercial when the various side effects are being rambled off (if only I were making this up) it actually says:
"When starting Flomax avoid situations where injury may occur"
I don't know about everyone else, but I try to avoid situations where injury may occur EVERYDAY. Should I incur an injury I'd hope it was not due to my own stupidity or the fact that I forgot to avoid injury that day. Also, in order to avoid all injury you would basically have to lay on the floor of an empty room, not move much & hope no natural disasters hit where you are located.

2) Achoo!
The allergy people love commercials yet somehow seem to come up with the worst marketing stategies. I remember Allegra ran some of the original prescription commercials. During a speed binge I decided to go off for a good 20 minutes about how no one skis on grass whether they have allergies or not. If only I had known then the horror yet to come....
- Astelin: Under no circumstances should I ever be forced to hear grown men singing doowop (while wearing shirts that spell out a word when lined up no less) to a woman stuck in traffic. If that honestly makes you think about seasonal allergies you have bigger problems.
- Nasonex: A French bee can seduce other bees better when not bogged down by his allergies. I realize sex sells, but allergy meds? I think that is stretching it.

Show Me The Money...
The investment commercials are no better. I understand the commercials that are keeping all those former Law & Order stars working. However, the new Charles Schwab ones drive me nuts. They have apparently decided to ditch actual actors & instead voice over these animated investors. I guess that would be ok if the animations reminded me of people. They don't. The "people" in these commercials actually look like bad photographs which have been attacked by someone with a pension for the palette knife photoshop filter.

Usual reality TV ranting...
Because it isn't bad enough we have reality TV shows, we also have to have commercials for them. Two I found particularly troubling:
- Shalom in the Home: The Jew in an RV concept is unnerving enough, but did we have to have the theme song concocted by the same brilliant mind that gave us The Nanny theme?
- King of Cars: This is A&E's latest attempt at a downward spiral in viewership. As if real car salesmen aren't enough to make you chew off your own leg to get away now we get to watch them on TV. The show started airing the first week of April. By the second week of May they were running ads to tune in for 'King of Cars: The Lost Pilot". My first reaction was 'Well, it can't be too lost since you only have five fucking episodes total'. Then I started thinking about the last 'lost pilot' I had seen - Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That one made much more sense to me because A) I didn't know it existed until the 7th/final season of Buffy & B) Oh, yeah that was actually a successful show, with a long run and good writing. King of fucking Cars has been on for ONE MONTH. If they were going to lose something in the first month the show was on I wish it had been the whole fucking cast.

Rant over...I'm sure the TV bitching will continue on a semi-regular basis until I crack & stop paying for cable altogether in an attempt to save my intelligence.

The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 2

2006-05-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

Lies.... I am with the above image on this one: Every silver lining has a cloud. I've never been much of a glass half full kind of girl anyway, but I thought I had found something that shouldn't have much of a downside: Weight Loss.

Getting skinny has a downfall? Oh yes my friends, you have no idea until you get to go through this lovely experience. I am going to share all the things those before & after bastards fail to mention.

My life as a California Raisin:
I remember the first time the penis pump was explained to me from the male perspective. Basically I was told 'You know if you wash a sweater & hang dry it on a hanger it gets all out of shape? There isn't any more sweater there than there was before, it's just all stretched out & distorted so it seems like there is more. Same thing with the penis pump'.
Guess what? The same fucking thing happens when you lose weight! I have enough skin to cover my weight about 50 lbs ago, except I don't need it anymore. If you think that shit just bounces back overnight you are sorely mistaken. I've read shit, talked to people, etc and no one can agree on what my skin will do. Some say I will need plastic surgery to fix it, others say wait a year or two and it will be fine. Fab. So either I win the lotto so I have the expendable income for cosmetic surgery or I spend the next two years waiting to see how much of my deflated ass bounces back.
Do I want the 50 lbs back? No.
Are my clothes smaller & sexier? Yes.
Do I feel better about myself? Maybe...
As long as I'm not butt naked everything passes for okay. However, when naked I look like the aforementioned stretched out sweater. I look like what I am, a deflated fat girl. Now, why on earth do I do a million crunches only to discover I look worse naked than I did before? Losing 50 lbs sounds great on paper, but I'd have thought twice about it if someone had shown me the 'After' picture:

Yep, I have spent the last 6 months working my ass off to end up with body of a dead grape. Fuck, I'm so thrilled.

Crotchless Pants:
Another fun side effect of weight loss is going to buy new clothes. Again, as a woman this should be some sort of fantasy - 'Let me get this straight, everything looks good on me & I constantly need a smaller size than the one I grab? Kick fucking ass'.
Or not.
You may end up like me. I have plateaued in between two sizes. If I go to the larger size, everything sort of fits, but it's baggy. I end up with this sort of corporate raver look that I may have loved 10 years ago, but not so much anymore. I also end up with the top of my pants sticking out. Not because I fill the pants out but because they sit out further than my stomach actually is. I believe this is why people have belts. I've been a fat girl my whole life & do not understand things like belts. Belts are for skinny girls who actually where shirts that allow you to see the top of their pants. Since my belly is still not worth showing anyone I feel no need to own a belt. Thus I'm left with lumpy crotch & pants that hang so loose that I chronically forget to zip them. Since it doesn't seem to improve the fit by zipping them, lately I've just been forgetting the whole step. Probably not a good idea considering I usually go commando.
The other alternative is to choose the smaller size. These clothes look better on me & fit really well if they are more expensive. However since I hope to lose 15 - 20 more pounds at least I don't want to spend too much money on clothes just yet. So I went to Kohls this weekend to find some pants in the price/quality range of greater than Walmart, less than a department store. You know what I found out? If I grab the size 12 it fits everywhere, except for one place....the crotch. Now I'm not sure what happens between the 12 & the 14 in misses exactly, but I know that if I want to wear the 12 which looks nice I have to spend my days with fabric wedged so far up I worry my pants are scraping my cervix. As comfy as living in camel toe hell all day sounds I think it would make me cranky after awhile.
In order to resolve this problem I'm thinking about just buying crotchless pants & hope no one notices.

I am not unhappy about my weight loss. I just feel like I wasn't given the whole story. I mean clothes hide a lot, part of the idea behind this was I was going to look better naked. At the very least I did not expect to look WORSE. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror before climbing into the shower & I have to stop myself from shrieking out loud in terror.
So beware of cheesy cliches, because regardless of what they say the opposite is also true. If the glass is half full, the other half must be empty. If every cloud has a silver lining, then every silver lining has a cloud. Free lunch be damned.

The Sex, Lies & Employment Trilogy: Part 1

2006-05-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

*The spring fever slot machine*

If your brain looks like the above picture do not panic! You are simply suffering from an affliction known as spring fever. It is okay if your brain only process the following items:
Sex. Food. Sleep. Repeat as needed.

As of late I too have been suffering from what is commonly known as 'Spring Fever' (aka Mating Season). I think this is one of the best & worst things about living somewhere with four seasons. I enjoy the natural high of winter turning to spring. However, it tends to cause behavioral changes usually only associated with people known to have a major mental illness.

Do you have spring fever? Not sure? Well, in order to help people self diagnose the dreaded spring fever I will share my unmistakable symptoms.

Major Symptoms:
1) Sleeplessness.
The strong desire to run around like a speed freak until you can no longer see straight. Most likely you will have no particular task in mind. You just have to 'do stuff'.
2) Mini hibernation.
Following up the bursts of energy with naps, not just any old nap either - I'm talking the sleep of the dead. Keep a pillow handy at all times.
3) The overwhelming desire to hump things.
Boys, pillows, doorknobs...whatever crosses your path pretty much. Trust me, that is not a gun in his pocket, he is happy to see you. This is the time of year when one is most likely to engage in (& should embrace) lots of random hot sexual acts. During spring one's libido is in fact not within the owner's control. It is actually being toyed with by fate. Personally, I think this is evolution's little joke to see just how far you can push the hormones of your average person before they crack.
4) Deviant Behavior.
Aside from the food, sex & sleep there is the compulsion towards reckless endeavors. I recently found out my cousin (the mechanic) gets a killer discount on new Mazdas from the dealership he works at. My gut reaction was to have the place write up the papers on a brand new Mazdaspeed6 with all the toys - Black leather, 6 speed, rims, spoiler, 275 horsepower turbo in cherry mica. Mmmm, fun. Like an orgasm with tires...
I did manage to refrain for the time being. Instead I redirected my need to buy something frivolous towards a less expensive toy. I reserved my Nintendo DS Lite & new Mario game this weekend. Not exactly the same, but it managed to satisfy my craving for something I don't really need & there was roughly a $30k savings that came along with my decision.

Minor Symptoms:
1) A radical shift in the music on your playlists.
For example I had Breathe by Anna Nalick at the top of my list. Just a few short weeks ago my life was in fact an hourglass glued to the table. Now, for completely inexplicable reasons I find the theme to Fame at the top of my list. Yes, Fame...as in 'I want to live forever, Fame'.
2) Everything that blooms or grows seems amazing.
At no other time of the year will you see a dandelion & think it is a beautiful flower set before you like a gift from god. Under normal circumstances one would look at a dandelion & think 'Fucking weed, you are the cause of my allergies, the scourge of the earth & may even bring on the downfall of humanity'.
3) Weather leaves the realm of reality & becomes a mental phenomenon.
So, even though it is 45 degrees & pouring rain you drive with the window rolled down. Why? Because in your head you know that it is May & therefore you can drive with the windows down. Granted you still have the heat in the car cranked to full blast & a parka on, but god dammit, it's SPRING!!!
4) Spring Cleaning.
This term is a misnomer. It implies that in the spring people aspire to tidy up a little. False. Spring cleaning is when you want to throw everything you own out & start over. Alternately you are compelled to fantasize about gigantic household projects. For example, you decide that every room in the house must be painted. I don't care if you just painted last week, you still want to paint everything. You may also find yourself saying things like 'It's time to start on that 10,000 sq ft addition I've been thinking about.' Be warned, your motivation for these projects will wane quickly, so be careful what you start and for godsake avoid the Home Depot at all costs!

If you have any or all of these symptoms you are most likely suffering from spring fever. I recommend you enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts!!

Naughty Blogger! Spankings For You

2006-05-04T00:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have been a horrible blogger the last few weeks. Somewhere between the job interviews, slightly paranoid delusions & mass quantities of working out I have failed to post. I am pretty sure my scattered brain is back in check now. I have a million half posts floating around my head, but it is officially time to get my blog shit back together.

The strategy is to dive back in with my Sex, Lies & Employment trilogy. I also have some theories on the apocalypse I need to share (and have been researching for months so I better get a damn post out of it). I am also working on my '100 Things' list that everyone seems to have. Hopefully that will be my hundredth post - A milestone I am determined to meet. Plus I am still very angry at the television & have decided much like BEG has the news I need to give regular updates on how stupid TV has become.

Wish me luck, feel free to spank me if I don't comply with this post and enjoy the following bit of wisdom:
"Coffee without caffeine is like sex without the spanking."

"Legano, Ni Legano...Is Gray Area"

2006-03-28T22:14:00.000-06:00

So, it could be just me, but isn't the whole immigration protest thing seem like stupidity at its finest? Who knew you could protest in defense of your right to be able to break the law? I guess it never occurred to me, because it is one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard! Granted if these illegal workers had a high school diploma they might actually understand concepts like illegal & criminal.
If I understand this correctly people who are NOT citizens are upset that OUR government wants to increase penalties for ILLEGAL immigration. Also known as breaking the fucking law. Now, I am no Republican or government loving freak. I hate patriotism & Dubya...all of it. However, as a citizen I get to have those opinions. Not a citizen? Guess you can't play in this game.

These protestors are actually using our constitution to stand up for rights they don't have, because oh yeah - THEY ARE NOT FUCKING CITIZENS. Then there are the people walking out on behalf of their illegal relatives. What is this shit? Now we have protesting by proxy?

"Mom, dad I know you are here illegally. So I am going to ditch Algebra in protest of you breaking the law"

As far as I can tell illegal immigrants basically view getting into the country as some sort of competition they have won. As the winners, they get to screw with the system since, well they made it in to the US. One of the arguments I've seen the most is "You can't go arrest 11 million people, so why bother to change the law?"
Is it just me or is this the dumbest logic ever? Wouldn't it be nice to use this logic every time someone was charged with a crime?

Rapists: "Well, your Honor, since I already raped her don't you think I should get off (no pun intended)? I mean maybe if you had got to me before the whole sodomy with an object happened I could see you being upset. However, what's done is done so why don't we just call this one even?"

Murderers: "I already killed the person & since I can't make him any less dead I'm thinking 'no harm, no foul'. I'd love to go to prison and all, but it doesn't really fit into my schedule. Oh, and if you disagree I'm getting all the other murderers together & we are going to protest!"

Speaking of dumb, logic & algebra - For anyone who may be empathizing with these people I'd like to point out that they are not an addition to this country. Half of illegal workers don't have a high school education. One third don't even have a ninth grade education. Many of the female immigrants don't work period because they are at home tending to their litter of offspring who are probably not going to end up much better off than their parents.
As for those stay at home immigrant women panicking about who is going to support them if their illegal (damn, there is that word again) husbands get deported? Maybe I'm being a crazy feminazi liberal here, but umm, how about YOU?!? What are these women incapable of getting a job like the rest of us? It isn't like that immigrant farm wage has them living in Beverly Hills. I doubt it would be all that difficult to get a job making a wage comparable to fruit picker. Though I could be ignorant. It's possible fruit pickers are pulling in six figures and I missed the boat by going to college.
Speaking of offspring...or alternately their impact on the population. In my heavily Hispanic area I have yet to meet a small Hispanic family. Trust me, they have the Catholics beat on the whole be fruitful & multiply thing. Anyway, I found this interesting statistic:

"The US population is expected to increase at an astounding rate. In 1990 it was 249 million; now it is 298 million; by 2050 it is expected to be 420 million. That is a jump of 70%, or 170 million, in only 60 years. The rate already eclipses the record 1910 wave of European immigration."

How much growth do you think one country can handle? In terms of resources, jobs, etc...There simply is not enough for us to be letting anyone who is bored with their country come to ours. There are enough troubles with the education system & class sizes in my area, not to mention water & electricity shortages and number of jobs. Are we just going to stretch the system until it breaks so that we too can become a third world country?

From what I have read the bills floating around want to do things like make it a felony to be in the country illegally, make drunk driving a deportable offense & still give these people a chance to become citizens IF they pay fines, back taxes, learn English & pass a background check. Umm, where is the radical injustice in that? I have to pass a background check to get a job. I have to pay taxes. I get fined if I don't pay taxes. I am not allowed to drink & drive.

Oh my fucking god what a radical notion! Our government wants to treat these people as if they were just like the rest of us!

Here in Wisconsin the big immigration issue has to do with driver's licenses. Yep, illegal workers are upset because they would have to prove they are legal residents in order to get a license. Well, the nerve of my state politicians. They only want legal residents getting licenses. Damn them.
As far as I know we are one of the only states who doesn't already require this. In turn this has made Wisconsin a hot spot for illegal residents to get a license. Great, we are known for beer, brats, cheese and now supporting law breakers. My state has a bad enough rep ok? I don't mind having some notorious people: Dahmer, Ed Gein, Lawerencia Bembenek...but Disneyland for illegal immigrants who need ID isn't on the top ten list of things I want for my state.
The arguments being made against the bill are totally asinine. Clearly the aliens left their common sense in their other pants when they immigrated.....

"Right now, my license is my life. Without a driver's license you're going to feel like every cop is going to stop you." said Miguel Serna of Ft Atkinson, who came to America in 1986 and now works as a welder & a clown (Laugh, that is a hysterical combo).

So let me get this straight: You have no fears, issues or worries about being in the country for 20 years illegally, but are paralyzed with fright over not having a license? Talk about warped priorities. More importantly, a driver's license is like a SSN, it gets you everywhere. Jobs, bank accounts, loans, everything and anything can be done if you have a license. Rarely have I been asked to show my birth certificate or passport to anyone. Bars, jobs, police, etc - All they care about is that license. So if you can get one, what incentive do you have to become legal? Apparently Miguel could care less about being a citizen, but is very worried about being able to drive from home to those welding/clown gigs.

I have actually dealt with the illegal workforce myself. They are popular in the horse world as grooms & shit shovelers. I promise not one of them was here to improve America. They knew English, but refused to speak it & never paid a dime in taxes. They all had a five year plan that involved sending cash back to Mexico for awhile, then going home to retire like kings. A lowly horse groomer here usually owned a whole farm back in Mexico. I don't have a farm. Do you? The people I knew weren't concerned with things like taxes or voting. It wasn't about contributing it was about abusing. I am not really thrilled with the idea of being a cash cow for a country with a shitty dollar value. Granted, I'd probably take advantage of a system like our current one too. Not like getting caught does any harm. At the barn we'd have usually about 5 illegal grooms here who all came over on the same visa. One would get here & they would just mail it back home for the next Juan Doe to show up.
Hell, I can't even get a job because so many in my field are being outsourced to India but I am suppose to feel bad for someone because they broke into this country by clinging to the top of a train or weaving a reed boat hoping to drift to a US shoreline? Not happening.

And now, because that might change all of sudden these people are ready to participate in the democratic process? Fuck that.

I Go Through Two Lighters A Day!

2006-03-22T21:45:00.000-06:00

I am one of those smokers who actually enjoys smoking. I may have contemplated quitting for ohhh, about 2 hours one day. I decided against it. Being a smoker I also tend to revel in the irony of things like non-smokers who die of lung cancer. The most recent example being Dana Reeves. Non-smokers who die of lung cancer support my belief that when your number is up it's up. It's right up there with being killed by a falling icicle. Fate is fate and smoking is probably not the end all, be all determinant regardless of what people would like you to believe. If smoking, drinking & drugs were an automatic death sentence, then explain Keith Richards. On the flip side of that, explain the olympic athletes who just arbitrarily dropped dead. Besides, I have yet to meet an immortal non-smoker.

It may sound cruel to revel in another's death, but it takes the edge off my irritation with this country's neverending quest to fuck with my ability to smoke. I mean I realize there are still illiterate children, homeless people & that pesky Iraq conflict going on, but clearly the government believes my cigarette smoking is going to be the downfall of humanity.
I already go outside! What more do you fucking want? It isn't crack, it's a marlboro and is what keeps from killing 50% of all people I come in contact with so I highly recommend letting me light up.

Anyway, I have recently discovered a new spin on the whole smoking issue. Believe it or not, smoking may be good for you! I know what all you non-smokers are thinking right now: Smoking? Beneficial? That is crazy talk!

So I have come armed with supporting evidence....

Case#1: Quit smoking & get a disease!
My cousin who recently turned 27 has been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sounds pleasant hey? All I know is my aunt has now shared way too much information about my cousin's colon with me - The enemas, scopes, color pictures & do it yourself poop smears. It also means he will be on medication for the rest of his life or possibly end up with surgery.
It's sort of a strange disease in terms of what causes it - As far as researchers know it is caused by a combination of genes, a person's immune system & environmental factors. They also believe that emotional stresses can cause flareups.
Shortly before the disease appeared my cousin decided to quit smoking for what I swear is at least the 5th time. I even gave him shit about it at Christmas asking how long it would last this time.
The best part of all this? His doctor told him that quitting smoking may have caused his current bout of problems. Not only is there an emotional stress tied to quitting smoking, but apparently doctors have found that smokers with UC have less problems. They think something with the nicotine keeps it at bay.
Whoo hoo! Score one for the smokers!

Case#2: Who smokes more than the Chinese?
Well, maybe middle easterners, but that is beside the point. After hearing about my cousin I came across this article claiming there are redeeming things in cigarettes:
Holy smoke! Chinese city turns cigarettes to medicine
Apparently they have found a component of cigarettes called solanesol that helps treat cardiovascular disease.

Case#3: Sex Doesn't Have To Be Terminal!
I guess it was just the week to be a smoker. Black people get a month, women get a month & it appears the last week was an ode to the benefits of smoking. Who knew?
My last enlightening article is this one:
Do Plants Have The Potential To Vaccinate Against HIV?
It talks about using genetically modified tobacco to create an HIV vaccine. How fucking cool is that? Talk about the ultimate slap in the face! The evil tobacco monster being used to vaccinate against HIV?
If it ever came to fruition I'd want everyone of those morons (smokers & non-smokers alike) who sued a tobacco company to line up at Philip Morris' door & apologize for being a pretentious idiot, for bitching that a picture of a camel could lead to the collapse of America & for not owning up to the fact that smoking is a personal choice.
I want the freedom to light up. However should I get lung cancer or emphysema I am not going to blame the tobacco companies. If I get into a car accident can I sue Mazda for making a nice car that I wanted to buy & drive around in? Please.

If you are a non-smoker who is all ready to berrate me with a comment or even just someone who appreciates a good laugh, I leave you with the following bit on smoking by the late Bill Hicks:

I smoke, if this bothers anyone, I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice. After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead of you.

I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.

How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready?
Non-smokers die every day.
Sleep tight.

See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed."

I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung - it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations...

We live in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead? "I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now."
What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears.
"I'm Yul Bryner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes."

Okay, pretty scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial!

"I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead. Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead. Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn. And we're both fucking dead! Yul used to pass me on his way home in the morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other....One day that life is going to get to you, Yul."

They're both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse! Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay. There are certain drawbacks.

People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.

(Sniffs) "Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!"

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day.
I tried to run, they had more energy than I.
I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
Many of them smelled me.
(Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"

Well, It Is The Lord's Day

2006-03-19T23:28:00.000-06:00

You know sometimes you just shouldn't click on web ads. Being in IT I should know these things. However, sometimes the temptation is overwhelming & even I can not help myself....

Click if you dare!

For those who didn't brave the link I will explain:

Kinky Christians!

I may have my quirks, but this was a little much. I think I'd have been ok except I went to the site's Cafe Press store. I know there are communities for just about everything, but the whole BDSM/Jesus Freak combo continues to fly over my head. I guess I'm just lucky I'm an Atheist. However, I am tempted to join just to investigate this phenomenon further.

To add insult to irony I stumbled onto the Kinky Christians shortly after getting this personal ad response:

Mistress, I am a 57 year old submissive, white and divorced male, living in Beloit. I am college educated (Carroll) and hold a master's degree in theology -- I am also ordained.
I wear panties. Six feet tall. 195 pounds.
Obedient. Love to be put over knee and spanked
Can travel. Please email direct at ****@yahoo.com
Respectfully,
Naughty Johnny

Ahh, there is a dream date if I ever saw one....An old, MINISTER, who wears panties. I wonder if his parishoners know about this. How would he explain it if they did? I mean how do you pass off wearing panties & enjoying spankings as the lord's work?

Some days it is particularly clear to me why I am usually single. I'm also reminded why that isn't a bad thing.

Full Moon Tuesday

2006-03-16T01:33:00.000-06:00

I am by nature a girl of science. However there are those few things I get flaky & superstitious about: I've been known to read my horoscope, I think weird things happen during the full moon & I have a pathological fear of Tuesdays. Call me crazy if you like, but I'm telling you if you pay attention you will find Tuesday to be a notoriously bad day of the week. At my last job I explained my Tuesday issues to several coworkers & guess what? Within a short period of time they too were Anti-Tuesday converts (My ability to convert non-believers is what gives me faith in the whole amendment thing).

All that being said yesterday was not only Tuesday, but there was a full moon. WHY WAS I NOT WARNED BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE?!?!

Thanks to my lack of income I tend not to go out much. Ok, I actually don't leave the house unless it's on fire or to get coffee in the morning. Notably I think the coffee shop may be my next place of employment.

Anyway, about 4pm my mom's old hippie boyfriend tells me they are going out for Mexican food & invites me along. I stupidly say 'Sounds great, I'd love to go'. The following things proceed to happen during the approximately 75 minutes I was absent from the safety of my home:

1) The Beer Nabbing Bum
I live in a suburb, but the more hick than pretentious kind. We have several quirks. One is that the population is pretty much 50/50 white people & Hispanics (this would be why you can get good Mexican in bumble fuck, WI). However, should any of us see a black person we all think 'Is he lost? Milwaukee is the other way'. We don't have a homicide rate because we might average a half a murder a year. Instead we get odd crime. Not quite as odd as the great pink flamingo stealing from the church lawn (That would be in BEG's hometown). Still Waukesha is not what one refers to as a 'rough neighborhood' by any means.
Another wonderfully Waukesha quirk is we have notoriously narrow driveways into places with enormous dips at the bottom. It's as if they designed the town around fucking up the bottom of your car. Texas has too many speed bumps, New Jersey has no left turns and Waukesha has it's funky driveways. Imagine my surprise when I got to merge these 2 things together. Yep, crime & bad city planning all in one.

The Hippie & I take the SUV over to the Mexican place (Casa del rio) to meet mom. Casa has one of the stupid Waukesha driveways that is exactly wide enough for your vehicle & has concrete buildings on both sides to ensure your captivity. As he turns in we are immediately confronted by a stonewash jean clad ass of some guy. By his inability to get up off the ground I initially assumed the man was hurt. At second glance however I see a bag. In the bag is part of a six pack of beer. Like any good Wisconsinite these aren't those wimpy 12 ounce cans, no this is like a six pack of forties. Had I been driving it would have been at this point that I threw the car in reverse & parked elsewhere. As a woman even the most inebriated man may pose a threat if agitated. So instead of waiting to be the star of 'When Drunks Attack' I'd simply have removed myself from the area.
Not the Hippie though. Nope, he waits patiently while the bum goes about his business. As I watched the man who was about 3 feet in front of our bumper I realized not only was he not injured, but instead his issue was apparently that one of his beers had escaped from the bag. While trying to stand up more of his beers tumbled out of the bag in an effort to save themselves from the fate of this man. Already so drunk he couldn't stand & rather oblivious to our presence the man proceeds to crawl on his hands & knees from the right of the driveway to directly in front of us and then over to his beer. Having rescued the precious Budweiser, we now have to wait for him to crawl back out of our path. Again this takes him some amount of time. Using the concrete building on the right he manages to stumble off into the sunset. Did I mention he was this hammered at 530pm on a Tuesday? Apparently he doesn't like them either.
After the 10 minute performance by the drunk we pull through to the back where the parking lot lives. I casually glance off to my right & see a door I had never noticed. It blended into the building except for it's 3 makeshift 2x4 steps. It also didn't appear to go anywhere. Apparently though the bum knew something I didn't, because there he was slumped on the stairs. Still clutching his beer he is reaching up to knock on the door. If you have never watched a grown man reach up to knock on the very bottom of a door I highly recommend it. Wildly amusing.

2) Memory Lane
Finally we park & duck safely through the back door into the restaurant. Except in some apparent effort to mess with me as we reach the hostess area to get seated it becomes apparent that something is not right. Oh, yeah - Since the last time I was there they had moved a wall!
I persevere onward to our table & order a magarita. My mom having parked on the street pops in through the front door. She joins us & announces there is a cop outside with some guy who needs a bath. I then explain to her that we are already old friends with the crazy drunk who is now chatting with our local authorities. Though I can't imagine it was a very productive conversation.

My mom has barely sat down when I hear 'Amanda!'. As usual my first thought is 'Are those the voices in my head?'. I turn around & directly behind me is my old best friend Julie. When I say old I mean I met this girl when I was like 10 or 11 yrs old. We both rode at the same barn that had no indoor plumbing. Nothing builds character at 10 faster than using a port-a-potty at 6am in January. One of my biggest fears as a child was actually that I'd freeze to the seat ala why you aren't suppose to lick poles when it's freezing out.
It later dawned on me that means I have known her for about 15 yrs which made me feel really old.
We had a very 13 year old girl type of falling out over another mutual friend Charlene. The two of them eventually moved to another barn without me & I was left out in the cold. Ironically, my spot in the clique was filled by my current best friend Adrianna (aka - BEG). It was literally like she was the applicant they chose to fill my spot in the group dynamic. I guess it sort of explains why her & I ended up really good friends. I took the 11-13 yr old shift and Adrianna took the 14 - 16 yr old shift. Then her & I ended up at the same barn. If you haven't noticed horses, more specifically American Saddlebreds, is a small group chalk full of politics, barn hopping, sexual escapades & an overall general sleaziness.
Fast forward to present day....Julie & I were exchanging the usual pleasantries when I realized she was ten times the loser I was. Plus, she is still really close to Charlene so I got the double whammy update. I couldn't help but do the happy 'payback is a bitch' dance in my head.

The lowdown on Julie's life...
Job? I may be unemployed, but at least when employed I have what passes for a career. She never finished college & has three jobs. She tells me she is still at the Land's End Outlet (where she has now been folding flannel shirts for the last 8 years), she works for her parents business (though I don't recall them having one) and she works at the local Acura dealership. Trying to not to say anything totally tactless I ask what she does over at Acura assuming she does like part time office work or something. Nope, she without hesitation says 'I clean the cars!'. It took all of my willpower not to blurt out 'I thought they only hired Mexicans to do that'.

Married? Somewhat shocked at her patheticness I move on to the marriage question. Not only is she not married, but she still lives at home too. Whoo hoo! I am not the only one! On top of that the guy with her was a large, imposing Mexican Mafioso looking Hispanic who didn't say a word to me. So, if he was more than a platonic friend I also get bonus points for landing way better guys.

And then there is Charlene. Charlene comes from money. I don't mean wealthy, I mean her dad's favorite hobby is collecting Ferraris rich. Though honestly a great family. I knew them well & they are actually fairly low key rich.
Charlene is working for her parents as well in the accounting department. Of course, Julie said in the accounting department, not actually an accountant. That was sort of a given though. Her older brother wanted nothing to do with the business, so it landed on her.
As for marriage? Charlene was always really pretty. Guys just sort of fell at her feet. She is the embodiment of petite, blonde & rich. Yeah, I wish I had it so rough. So that made Julie's answer all the better. With a downward look towards the floor she tells me Charlene was engaged but "that didn't work out". The body language alone screamed huge fucking disaster. I'd like to fancy it was something as tragic as left at the alter, but I don't actually know.

Don't get me wrong, these girls were a huge part of my life & I don't wish them any ill will. However, sometimes an ego stroking is just what a girl needs.

After dinner I climbed into mom's car and when I looked ahead I saw the moon in all it's full glory. Well, there you have it. The explanation for my very weird 75 minute Tuesday adventure was right in front of me. Next time I think about leaving the house on a Tuesday I will be sure to check the moon's cycle.

Faking It

2006-03-05T22:18:00.000-06:00

Ah, if only I were talking about orgasms....At least those are something I don't have to fake. Nope, I am actually referring to the latest twists & turns in my unending quest for employment.

Most of February was dead in terms of the job hunt. I don't mean slow either. I mean dead as in I'd get better responses from the people in the local Sunnyside cemetery dead. I continue to dutifully hock my resume, send out applications, etc to no avail. Occasionally I get a rejection letter for a job I interviewed for 3 months ago, but other than that nothing.

Convinced I am doing something 'wrong' in my job search I like to read articles for tips & tricks to aid in my search. I have to say there is some depressing news out there about job hunting. However, the most disturbing by far was this article about embellishing one's resume. I was shocked to learn that over 50% of all people lie on their resume. Some articles I read put it as high as 75%. Well, shit no wonder I don't have any sort of edge. I'm too busy being honest.

It also claims that fudging your resume can come back to haunt you. Except, it references people who got awfully damn far lying on their resumes. Think FEMA's Michael Brown & Radioshack CEO David Edmondson. Oh yeah, lying on their resumes really screwed them. Like these people didn't make enough money before they got caught for it to really matter. Much like Enron, I have a distinct 'Too little, too late' feeling about the whole thing. Plus, they may have lied before, but now these people have the actual experience they wanted to put on a resume. Edmondson doesn't have to lie now because he actually was the CEO of Radioshack. I'd say that looks pretty good on a resume.

I'm not big on lying. As a matter of fact I suck at it which forces me to be honest 99.9% of the time. So this seems radically unfair (for lack of a better term) to me. Thanks to this article I was sent off into the world of faking resumes. There are sites that will dummy up a resume for you. Hell, even ones that will give you a fake degree & have a phone number so employers can verify it. Clearly if there are people out there taking advantage of this shit it is not surprising why I have absolutely no edge over other candidates.

Now, everything you read from HR people says they always find out or it will come back and bite you in the end, but I don't really buy that having been in the throes of the job hunt for the last 7 months. I can count on one hand the number of people who requested my job references. Out of those I think maybe one employer actually called them. You are your piece of paper.

I'm not naive. I understand there are people who lie on their resumes, but the high number of people doing it simply astounded me. So, where does that leave me? Apparently still unemployed & totally fucked.

Irritated by the whole you should lie more fiasco I continued reading job hunting articles. I think the psychic's guide to finding a job is my all time favorite. I guess if I can't get a job by lying I should at least get me one of them Court TV psychics to tell me it's all going to be ok.

The other line I'm sick of hearing is that it's my area. I am suffering from a horrible location. Here in Wisconsin the term "brain drain" pops up every few years. We are home to one of the best universities in the country - UW Madison. However, once people are done with school they run for the border faster than a taco bell commercial. We rank 7th in exporting college graduates & 49th in importing them. 49th? Out of 50? What that tells me is I am not in the right state for smart people. The ones who do get jobs get them because they know somebody, not because they are talented or even qualified for a job. Now I know about 60% of jobs are gotten through networking. Umm, yeah that is great if you have a network. I am 26 & probably one of the only people my age I know with an actual resume. My network consists of mostly tortured artists who have day jobs to fund their wild aspirations of doing things like making it big with the band or sailing around the world on a boat because it would be 'cool'. So unless I aspire to fry cook my network isn't really going to do me much good.

Then there is money. Graduates who leave Wisconsin for full time jobs earn almost 25% more than those who stay. The irony of all this is that I am currently unemployed & therefore I don't have the money to move out of my sinking ship of a state. Again I feel unemployed & totally fucked.

So here I am with no job in a state that doesn't appreciate educated people, shopping for psychics & good liars. This is not what was in the brochure.

As a new approach I've decided to open up my resume to the people who read my blog. Any tips, lies or jobs you'd like to offer I am all ears.

Ok, So Even I Go Girl Once In Awhile

2006-02-22T00:41:00.000-06:00

I confess. There are a few things that turn me into one of those starry eyed, looking for the knight in shining armor, giddy girl types. Much like the final scene in Dirty Dancing will for all time be able to instantly entrance me, so does figure skating. Yep, skinny girls in tacky costumes spinning in circles really does it for me.

When I was a kid I actually took ice skating lessons for awhile. However, the rink I went to was closing, so in order for me to continue my parents would have to shell out more cash for lessons. At the time I had also started horseback riding lessons. So, I was given a choice: Ponies or frozen water. Lucky for me I went with horses. At 4 or 5 years old you really don't have any clue what kind of body you are going to end up with. I have a body much more suited to going 3 rounds with a 2000 lb horse. My big feet, big ass, tall German Gypsy frame with big tits? Yeah, not really cut out for the delicate sport of figure skating.

Despite my own shortcomings as a potential figure skater I still watch skating with great amazement. All that spinning, jumping & what not. It all looks so beautiful. Well, all of it except ice dancing. Much like curling, I don't really get ice dancing. As far as I can tell it's pairs skating for people who can't jump. Last night the one thing I find remotely interesting about the Winter Olympics was finally on: The ladies short program.

First Place: Sasha Cohen

Sasha seems to have come a long way since 2002. The last time around I was on the Sarah Hughes bandwagon. I honestly thought she was the best. Plus I am a sucker for the underdog. However, whatever 'it' is that I thought was missing from Sasha's skating four years ago is there now. She skated great & demonstrated more showmanship than most of the other skaters combined. Of course now the question is can she hold it together through the long program?

Second Place: Irina Slutskaya

Technically she is a great skater. However, she just screams butch to me. Not necessarily lesbian butch, but certainly not what I think of when I think of figure skaters. Add in her pants suit getup? Ugh. Wasn't the men's skating last week?

The Other Americans: Kimmie Meissner & Emily Hughes

I loved Kimmie's short program. At barely 16 she lacks some of the polish of the older skaters, but give her a few years though & I think she will rise up. As for Emily, I thought she skated nicely. However, I couldn't shake the 'Your sister is better' feeling I got watching her. I will say I'm glad she made the team over Michelle Kwan. At some point you have to cut your losses & run. Kwan's pathetic quest for a gold medal has just gotten old. She has become so desperate to win the gold that it has started to negate her other accomplishments. I can't recall any of her performances off the top of my head, but her begging to go to the Olympics & making the team even with an injury? Now that sticks in my mind. Get over yourself already.

One final thought on the short program: Outfits.
Who the hell dressed these girls? Most of them look like Bob Mackie threw up on them. The chronic use of neon colors was very unnerving. I thought neon died with the eighties. What next? Fanny packs become all the rage again? On top of that there seemed to be an all or nothing mentality. Either the skaters were in outfits so skimpy I thought 'Netting or not, Why bother?' or they were covered from head to toe like some skating Eskimo. Can you say middle ground?

The Best: Fumie Suguri

I loved her costume. I also thought she skated far better than her counterpart Shizuka Arakawa who end up just ahead of Fumie in third place. I'm also positive that Arakawa has quite possibly the flattest chest I have ever seen on a woman. I am talking concave boobs.

The Worst: Sokolova & LiashenkoWork that tacky neon girls!

The Worst, Part 2: Gimazetdinova & AndoNaked vs. Nanook of the North

KP will return to her regularly scheduled sarcasm shortly...

Under Stupidity In The Dictionary....

2006-02-15T12:05:00.001-06:00

You will find a picture of people dying over a fucking cartoon! I can relate to having strong convictions, but holy shit people this is a little beyond that. I mean how unexciting is one's life that they are willing to give it up over a cartoon? I'm unemployed, broke and take pills to keep myself just this side of suicide and you know what? No way in fucking hell am I giving all that up over a drawing!

I was sent this article by my mom. I'll admit it is much funnier if you are from Wisconsin or Texas or have some knowledge of football. However, the satire is brilliant. Enjoy!

Seething Midwest Explodes Over Lombardi Cartoons

Green Bay, WI - Like a pot of bratwurst left unattended at a Lambeau Field pregame party, simmering tensions in the strife-torn Midwest boiled over once again today as rioting mobs of green-and-gold clad youth and plump farm wives rampaged through Wisconsin Denny’s and IHOPs, burning Texas toast and demanding apologies and extra half-and-half.

The spark igniting the latest tailgate hibachi of unrest: a Texas newsletter's publication of caricatures of legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi.

Protestors demonstrated against the images throughout the Badger State yesterday, with violent egging and cow-tipping incidents reported in Oconomowac, Pewaukee, Sheboygan, Ozaukee, Antigo, Oshkosh, Waubeno, Wauwautosa, Waunewoc, Wyocena, Waubeka, and Washawonamowackapeepee.

Some of the most dramatic skirmishes were centered around Kenosha, where a mob of masked snowmobilers invaded the Texas Roadhouse on I-94, briefly holding the margarita machine hostage. They were later seen storming the beverage department at Woodman's, where they purchased several cases of Point and a pack of Merit menthols, and later at the Brat Stop classic rock/sausage outlet, where they were reported angrily "boogie-ing out" on air guitar to featured entertainment Molly Hatchett.

But by far the fiercest demonstration took place in Green Bay's Lambeau Shrine parking lot where throngs of Packer faithful burned Texas flags and effigies of Roger Staubach as Lutheran pastors led them in chants of "Those who defame the Vince suck" and "Favre is Great." Many of the frenzied demonstrators were seen ritualistically beating themselves with mozzarella sticks.

The crowd eventually dispersed, lured away by local supper clubs and the nickel slots of nearby Oneida Bingo Casino, but Pastor Doug Schmidtke of Fond Du Lac's Grand Lutheran Temple threatened continued community unrest "until the infidels of Texas deliver an apology. And the head of Tom Landry in a paper bag."

While the curd-strewn streets of Green Bay remain calm for the moment, a startled Texas government official -- speaking on terms of anonymity -- said that they would work with other developed states to find a solution to tensions "before the situation erupts into a full-fledged clash of civilizations."

Eye of a Storm

Over the past five years, the volatile Midwest has produced violent rage like the knockwurst output at Milwaukee's venerable Usinger's -- sudden, repeated, and in long unbroken strings. One of the principle catalysts was the rise the Uff Da insurgency, led by the enigmatic Pastor Duane Gunderson, who seek a unified Lutheran caliphate stretching from the Great Plains to Lake Huron, and the banning of non-Big 10/Pac 10 apostates from the Rose Bowl. Gunderson remains in hiding, but his influence was seen last year in the widely publicized Lutefisk desecration riots that rocked the Heartland amid the pancake breakfast holidays.

Still, outside of the Dells and a handful of violent outposts near its western Mississippi River border, Wisconsin remained a relatively calm exception to the Midwestern maelstrom surrounding it -- a fact that experts attribute to subtle differences in culture and religion.

"Unlike the ultra-extreme, radical Lutheran sectarians of Iowa and Minnesota, most ethnic Wisconsinites belong to the Wisconsin Lutheran Synod," said Joseph Killian, a Midwestern Studies professor at Emory University in Atlanta. "And if you add in three Super Bowl titles, easier access to beer, and walleye fishing, and you're going to have a much calmer and more stable culture."

All that would change in November with the publication of four cartoons in a Texas office newsletter -- cartoons that today have brought this once happily beer-goggled society to the precipice of all-out culture war.

Casus Belli

A thousand miles south of Wisconsin's sprawling Holstein pastures, Josh Davidson peers between the drawn drapes of his Plano, Texas apartment, looking for signs of suspicious green-clad strangers. It is his third day at the address, but he is already scanning the classified ads for his next residence. For this 37-year old, staying ahead of Packer radicals has become a full time job.

In November, Davidson -- a self-described diehard Dallas Cowboys fan -- made a fateful decision that would alter his life and whose reverberations are currently shaking the foundations of two societies.
"The Appleby's in Frisco has two big screens, and I liked going there Sunday for the Cowboy games," Davidson explained. "But one weekend there was this annoying bunch of Wisconsin immigrant idiots with foam rubber cheese wedge hats, screaming for the Packers on the other screen."

In response, Davidson drew four provocative cartoons of revered Packer coach Vince Lombardi, and distributed Xeroxed copies to his co-workers at VHT Technologies in Plano. What he didn't know is that one of co-workers was an alumnus of Marquette, and the cartoons would soon be circulated throughout the Packer world.

The response would be immediate and visceral.

"While Wisconsin culture is tolerant compared to, say, Iowa, what many outsiders don't understand is that its ultimate taboo is graven images of Lombardi," said Nigel Rhys-Jones of Harvard's Institute of Primitive Anthropology. "The only Lombardi iconography allowed is allegorical, in throw blankets or needlepoint appliques, and must be purchase at craft fairs from chubby Lutheran women in windbreakers. For a Cowboy fan to make cartoons of the Vince is... let's just say the ultimate sacrilege."

Aftermath

The appearance of the cartoons in Wisconsin media sparked a angry reaction in the Packer street, a reaction that some say radical Lutheran clerics were more than happy to foment and nurture with every Packerless playoff game.

After the NFC Championship game in January, WTMJ radio in Milwaukee broadcast a newly surfaced audiotape of Duane Gunderson on the Wayne Larrivee Packer Report, in which he urged Packer faithful to "rise up against the mockers of the one and true coach."

"Those who sow the curds of blasphemy will reap the cheddar wheel of destruction,” he added cryptically.

In response to growing pressure and threats of Wisconsin boycotts, VHT Technologies dismissed Davidson on January 21, issuing a fulsome personal apology from CEO George Uhl asking Wisconsinites "to consider VHT the next time you are choosing a supplier of multiphase diodes," and "please don't kill me."

Despite the olive branch, the Packer community finally exploded into the streets Sunday, as already frayed emotions were further enflamed by the awarding of the Vince Lombardi trophy to the Super Bowl's victorious Pittsburgh Steelers.

Numerous request to Texas Governor Rick Perry to execute or extradite Davidson to Wisconsin have thusfar gone unheeded, but it is unclear whether the Governor can withstand the growing political pressure for a cathartic public beheading. With nearly one million ethnic immigrant Midwesterners now living in Texas, experts say Perry risks alienating an important voter bloc. More troubling, some analyst believe that south Texas is currently infiltrated by a sleeper cell of tens of thousands of elderly Midwestern snowbirds, each of whom is armed with a Winnebago capable of smashing into a fast food restaurant.

Picking up the Pieces

As the world awaits the next move in this complicated polka of realpolitik, tensions throught the Midwest remain as high as the cholesterol. However, yesterday saw one hopeful sign of a thaw: a consortium of civic, religious and Packer club leaders announced an emergency summit at the Fudgienuckles bar in Glenbuelah next week to start a dialogue with their non-Midwestern counterparts. At the top of the agenda: working with non-Midwestern leaders to create regional peace and security by passing international anti-Packer blasphemy laws.

Small steps to be sure, but observers say these safety measures will help quell the roiling unrest before it spreads to the dimwitted ultra-militant Yoopers of Michigan's notorious Ishpeming Triangle.

While politicians and community leaders from Austin to Rhinelander work to sort out the issues, Josh Davidson says he will try to get on with his life, "maybe in Brazil or Nepal." Still, he says, he can't help puzzling over how he came to his current circumstances.

"Yeah, I guess maybe I was trying to push a couple of Packer hot buttons," he now admits. "I never though it would mean taping a mirror to a pole to check under my car for bombs every morning."

Does he have any regrets? Davis ponders a moment.

"No, not really," he says. "I'm just glad I didn't hand out those cartoons of Mike Ditka."

I Got A Spanking

2006-02-08T22:09:00.000-06:00

So, I got my review over at Talk2much. Considering how rough they are on people I think I will take my 4 out of 5 stars and run.
I will say some of the people who comment over there are a tad insane. I've never had anyone give me shit over my link color before. Who knew? I kind of thought blogs were about content. Apparently that is just crazy talk and in fact the most critical thing about one's blog is in fact the template.

Anyway, go read the review - I even get called smart, which being me I loved.
I'd dodge the comments as it gets a little pathetic. I'm actually avoiding whatever responses my last comment received. I hate drama. Especially from unintelligent people who lack a point.

Re-Rant On Reality

2006-02-07T12:40:00.000-06:00

Some time ago I wrote a post on the horrifying programming choices being made by cable networks. As far as I'm concerned reality TV should be approached the same way I approach the red states: I can tolerate their existence as long as it doesn't fuck up my day. Well, since my original rant things have gone from bad to worse. I'd actually consider getting rid of cable all together, except the network channels are just as bad if not worse. I am sorry that I watch TV and possess an IQ higher than that of a german shepherd.

A&E and Court TV were at one time the first channels I'd check for some worthwhile evening programming. Now I can pretty much avoid these channels entirely since their programming is roughly the same shit every night.

A typical primetime evening on A&E involves a minimum of 2 episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter followed by at least 2 episodes of another reality show (usually Inked or Criss Angel, Mindfreak) and then some sort of hour long show such as Rollergirls or Intervention.

A typical evening on Court TV is not much better. There is some sort of 2 Cops episodes minimum rule they adhere to each night. Then there is the dreaded RED programs (see below for more on this fiasco). For approximately one hour you may on occasion get something watchable like Forensic Files or Body of Evidence. However, you will quickly pay for that hour of good tv because it is usually followed by Parco PI, Hollywood Heat (which so far as I can tell has nothing to do with crime) or some other equally dreadful show.

So I feel compelled to add some more irritations to the previous list I made concerning my utter disappointment with my formerly favorite cable channels (don't the people at these networks realize I pay for cable so I don't have to watch shitty reality TV 24/7?).

1) How many Swat teams does it take to change a lightbulb?
For quite some time I was confused about the new swat shows that have popped up. I couldn't help but notice that A&E and Court TV were advertising what appeared to be the same show, Dallas Swat. The networks aren't owned by the same company, so what the hell is going on? Then it clicked: THERE ARE TWO SEPARATE SWAT SHOWS.
What the fuck is that all about? Is it absolutely necessary that both Dallas Swat AND Texas Swat exist? Is there just so much swatting going on in the poster child for red states that we need two shows on two channels about the same fucking thing? Besides if they were going to invade Texas with video cameras to film shit, why not go with something much edgier & more appropriate for Texas? I'm thinking Texas Execution: Every week a new episode where we watch them flip the switch or inject the latest death row inmate for the amusement of the masses.

2) Marketing 101:
Am I the only one who remembers when Court TV's tag line was 'The Investigation Channel'? As in 'we put on shows that involve investigating crime'. My beloved investigation channel has now deemed itself Court TV: Seriously Entertaining. If I wanted to be 'seriously entertained' I'd drop acid & watch the screen saver on my fucking computer for 12 hours dammit!
Court TV's other new strategy is RED. Red stands for real, exciting & dramatic. Red is the weeknight corruption of Court TV from 7pm - 8pm central time. Do you know what they consider real, exciting & dramatic? The short answer is crap. Red involves such hot button shows as:
- Beach Patrol: Yep these bike cops live on the edge as they pedal through sand & surf to halt crime. Does anyone remember Pacific Blue? That piece of crap USA show from the late nineties? The one that kept Mario Lopez employed in between Saved by the bell & his lucrative game show host career. Well, trust me, it was better than this show.
- Hot Pursuit: Why do we need an entire hour devoted to car chases filmed with the equivalent of a webcam?
- Texas Swat: I've covered this one enough, more so than it even deserves.
- Las Vegas Law: Meet Parco PI junior. Much like Parco is a overly typical New Yorker, Bucky Buchanan is an overly typical sleazy Vegas lawyer type. Apparently if you get drunk or married or misplace your clothes while on vacation in Vegas Bucky is your man. He comes complete with the sleazy pimpmobile convertible (personalized plates & all) and a closet full of bad polyester suits.
I really think Court also needs to reconsider all the alliteration they are using in show titles too. Parco PI, Las Vegas Law, Bucky Buchanan - I realize somewhere there is a bunch of suits sitting around marveling at their own cleverness, but trust me when I say the rest of us don't find you people nearly as witty.

3) Rollergirls:
Roller derby complete with an accompanying musical tour (I have yet to figure out the connection between the two concepts). Again the film crews packed off to Texas for this abysmal excuse for a television show. Basically the show follows these terrifyingly butch women with clever derby names like Venus Envy & Punky Bruiser as they bitch about each other, get into cat fights, sleep with each other's boyfriends & make costumes all in the name of rollerskating. My irritation with Rollergirls started before the show even aired. Instead, the promo commercials for the show were more than enough to set me off. One of them actually had a scene wherein a nun was spanking the roller girls with a ruler in front of a chalkboard. Call me crazy but doesn't that seem more soft core than one usually expects out of A&E? I just can't even begin to put into words how much this show annoys me. It is probably second only to Dog the bounty hunter in it's stupidity.

Speaking of my favorite bunny hunter....Dog is the highest rated show on A&E averaging 1.6 million viewers per episode. As for Mr. Chapman? He is pulling in a sweet 100k per half hour episode. I went to college & I can't even find a job, but a high school drop out, convicted murderer, armed robber, white trash hick in need of a haircut can make $100,000 for 30 minutes on tv. Grr. There really is no justice in the world sometimes.

However, I should point out that right behind Dog is Cold Case Files (1.5m viewers). Doesn't that say something? Like possibly that there are a lot of us who still enjoy honest to goodness documentary tv about real people who aren't so unrealistic that the show needs to be called 'reality tv' for people to realize it is not actually some sort of sick joke. If these shows were even remotely legit they would in fact be called documentaries, as in a tv show or film that is non-fiction. Since these shows are not legitimately representative of reality they have their own little entry at Wikipedia.

Reality TV:
"a genre of television programming which presents unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, documents actual (if sometimes contrived) events, and features "ordinary" people over professional actors. Although the genre has existed in some form or another since the early years of television, the current explosion of popularity dates from circa 2000. Critics of the genre have claimed that the term is a misnomer and that what such shows portray is far removed from actual reality, with participants put in exotic locations and/or abnormal situations, participants sometimes coached to act in certain ways by off-screen handlers, and events on screen manipulated through editing and other post-production techniques."

Not quite the same as 'documentary' is it? (As a scary side note the wikipedia entry also informed me that reality shows currently account for about 56% of all American TV shows! Just shoot me).

I remember I started watching A&E when they used to show Evening at the improv. The improv had standup comedy that was the antithesis of comedy ala SNL. It was smart & interesting, but still made you laugh. It was ACTUAL entertainment. I continued to watch the channel for the documentaries on everything from crime to ancient Egypt. I'd revel in the Law & Order marathons or my Sunday morning ritual of watching Mysteries of the Bible. Those days are long gone as I now find myself terrified to put on A&E for fear that there is going to be a roller derby, a mindfreak or god forbid... a bounty hunter on.

To add irony to insult I have found myself watching a lot of (if only I were kidding) Spike TV. Yep, as in Spike TV formerly the first network for men. What started out as the anti-Lifetime network (ie - tv for women) actually has some good shit on. Gone is the wrestling, instead there is a plethora of CSI (the original) episodes to be watched as well as really good movies such as The Shawshank Redemption & The Firm.

Though my viewing habits may seem a tad stuffy I don't think I am the only one who feels this way. I'd rather watch a Caligula biography or a good Forensic Files over Fear Factor and Survivor any day. I also don't think canceling Growing Up Gotti & Airline, but renewing Dog the Bunny Hunter and Criss Angel, Mindfreak is a step in the right direction.
Hopefully, the networks will take a hint. Not everyone wants what is trendy or hot this month. Some of us still prefer quality over quantity.

Word Of The Day

2006-02-04T00:10:00.000-06:00

I have my Google homepage setup so that it spews forth a word of the day. Today's word seemed strangely appropriate...

Disparate, adjective:
1. Fundamentally different or distinct in quality or kind.
2. Composed of or including markedly dissimilar elements.

That is me.

Fear & Loathing In Wisconsin

2006-01-29T00:39:00.000-06:00

Sorry for being all MIA lately. I've been having a severe bout of having nothing to say. It doesn't happen all that often, but it does happen.

I've mostly been consumed by my employment quest & exercising. So pretty much I build up stress looking for a job & going to interviews. Then I get rid of it by doing lots of cardio. The exercise also has the added bonus of shrinking my waistline. I'm all for that. Though I'm pretty sure my sudden determination to lose weight has a lot to do with the fact that I have no control over anything else in my life. Oh, yeah...and the Jew has something to do with it too.

I've also decided January is the second worst month of the year. The worst is March, it's so fucking long. January however is a close second. I'm in some kind of post holiday funk. I'm convinced my few friends hate me. Alternately, they find me so boring as of late that calling me is just too much effort.

Did I mention thanks to my 5 minute job my unemployment benefits are all screwed up? I really love it when the government decides that I don't really need those pesky weekly checks that keep my car from being repossessed & my phone functioning.

Ok, I'm done venting for now. I just really hate being karma's bitch sometimes.

I will be writing something that is actually interesting soon. If nothing else I may start writing up some of my old life adventures just so I don't abandon my blog for too long a time.

KP

Give Me Liberty AND Give Me Death

2006-01-17T11:47:00.000-06:00

Being a law junkie I love knowing every time the Supreme Court takes a shit. I do happen to be avoiding all the hoopla around Bush's latest nomination Alito. I guess my feeling on that is if Bush picked him, I don't want him on the court. However, today the Court handed down a ruling on something I do find worthy of discussion: The physician assisted suicide law in Oregon.

My Opinion:
The right to die issue is something I get very passionate about. I recall in my college biomedical ethics class going over case after case of life being medically sustained for no other reason than to generate revenue. It honestly turned my stomach. Terry Schiavo is probably the most recent case in everyone's mind, but there are tons of these cases out there. People such as Nancy Cruzan & Karen Ann Quinlan were kept alive in much the same way Schiavo was only in their cases the parents did not object to stopping life sustaining measures. It was the State, the fucking government, who felt they knew better what the person would have wanted. I'd love it if every person over the age of 18 had a living will, but they don't. In the event a tragedy strikes I would much rather have my family & friends determine my fate not some bureaucracy.

I really think life should be about quality not quantity. We all have an expiration date, it's part of the mortality deal. If you were confronted with a long, painful & terminal illness wouldn't you at least want the option to decide for yourself how long you want to suffer? I have watched both of my grandparents die from cancer as well as other people I considered family. It isn't pretty & it can be terribly slow. Everyday seems like forever. A hellishly long time while you wait for a call you know is coming. I can't imagine it being any better when you are on the dying end of that wait.

For anyone troubled by my opinions thus far I offer some irony: I know that in cases of cancer a lot of people are actually being assisted into death. It may not be called physician assisted suicide in the Jack Kevorkian sense, but really it is. Most terminal cancer patients are treated with morphine for the pain. Basically the morphine dose is increased until the person dies. Notably, I don't know of any right to life group that has a problem with easing pain even if it speeds up death. Just something to think about.

Sidebar Rant:
In a somewhat disturbing turn of events while looking for the actual decision in this case (yes, I'm lame & read case decisions) I came across an article stating most Americans can't name the Supreme Court Justices. My skin crawled at the notion. I'm not shocked by the survey's results, but a bit disgusted to see it in print.
The SC is the last word on law in this country. The least corrupt & probably most intelligent branch of the government and people fail to take notice of them. These people are not elected, they don't campaign & finagle their way into the position. Right or not, the SC is also the least checked branch of government. Have you ever heard of a Court decision being overturned by another branch? No, because it doesn't happen. For those of you who panic every time a Senator gets a blowjob I say wake the fuck up. The end of the line for the Constitution in this country does NOT lie with the politicians or the president, it lies within the Supreme Court. If you actually care about your rights you really should pay more attention to the Court. At least be able to name half of the Justices for chrissake.
End Rant.

The Ramifications from a Legal Perspective:
Back to the point...I am happy as well as concerned about how this decision came out. The decision was 6-3, a relatively strong decision. However, I could have named the dissenters before I read any further. The dissenters were Scalia, Thomas (who chronically votes the way Scalia does, he is so Scalia's bitch as well as being an appointment of Bush Sr) & the first vote from Bush's foot soldier, Roberts.

If Alito is confirmed I am positive these are the Justices with whom he will side. The Court will be down one O'conner & plus one scary ass republican. Welcome to the Nazi Court. I can only hope the rest of the Justices hold on until Dubya is out of office.

One of the things I appreciated about the Rehnquist Court was it didn't favor Federal control over State's rights. I can tolerate the red states existing with their intelligent design, anti-abortion, gay hating, god & gun loving mentality as long as I can stay safely in my blue state where logic reigns supreme. Since I can't change the ideals of every right winger on the planet I should at least be able to avoid them.

Obviously I am thrilled with the decision itself. I will never find undue torture preferable to physician assisted suicide. I'm glad to know that if worse comes to worse I can move to Oregon to die. I never want to end up a Nancy Cruzan or Terry Schiavo (I wonder if my blog can be used in court to prove that?). Hell, I don't even think I'd want to end up a Christopher Reeve or Stephen Hawking. Just like there are reasons to live, there are reasons to die (Now I have 'Turn, turn, turn' in my head). Either way I think the choice should be left up to the individual. The argument isn't all that different than the ones I'd put forth for abortion rights or the decriminalization of prostitution & drugs. At some point adults have to be allowed to make their own decisions about their own lives. There is no one law with the ability to cover all people in all situations. I am an individual with my own mind. I do not need the government reducing my life down to a least common denominator.

I know this is not the end of the debate by any means. I'm not a great legal mind, but I do think using the controlled substances act as a reason to declare the law unconstitutional was a weak choice. In the future I'm sure the right to life people will find another way to bring the issue before the Court. Hopefully Gonzales v. Oregon will set a precedent for the Court to fall back on the next time.

How To Lose A Job In One Day

2006-01-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

I have been somewhat MIA. The new year & all has me on several missions to improve my current lot in life. The most important one being I really want a job. However, I am apparently the worst potential employee known to man. I have two job hunting nightmares for those of you who share and/or laugh at the pains I am going through to find employment.

1) Freud? Is that you?
I have a huge problem with the hip new trend of psychoanalyzing potential employees. Last Friday I set up two interviews for the following Monday. Before my scheduled interviews I was asked to complete some assessments. "Some assessments" turned out to be about ten total. Isn't that a tad excessive for two companies? Anyway, I don't mind taking the company's gay little tests as long as they are relevant. The tests broke down into three categories: Personality, practical & 'What the fuck?'. I am fine with practical assessments. If you want to make sure I know what a mouse & keyboard are, fine. The other two types on the other hand irritated me to no end.

*Personality Assessments:
Honestly, this seems like cheating to me. Everyone glosses over the bad & highlights the good things about themselves to get a job. It is part of the game. Nobody goes into an interview saying 'Hi I'm a complete jackass but I can fake my way through a work day'. Having a potential employee take a personality test is really taking away their ability to well, lie. For a job with the geek squad I was forced to take a 20 page personality test. It's the fucking best buy. Get over yourselves. I also have had to take the Disc Classic test as well as identify my Jungian personality type. I really don't think whether or not I like to take solitary walks on the beach has anything to do with how I perform at a job. If this was the FBI or something I might understand a deep seated concern about my sanity. However, for your average job I don't think the pre-employment psych drill is necessary. I know I'm a little neurotic, crazy & sometimes I hate people. So what? Find me a person on this planet who is exactly the same at work as they are outside of work. It doesn't happen. So to all the companies out there who love these tests I offer this advice: Take you pseudo shrink practices & shove them up your ass.

*What the fuck? Assessments:
I open the second assessment I was sent from a particular company & find it titled "Sales Success Profile". I guess this wouldn't have been too upsetting had I been applying for a sales job. I am not a sales person. I couldn't sell water to someone stranded in the desert. On top of that I was in fact applying for a PC support job. PC support, as in user breaks computer, I fix it. So I open this 50 question multiple choice test all about sales. I swear I would have rather done calculus while being sodomized. As far as I could tell the questions broke down into the how much should you lie to people questions, what to do at a presentation questions & how to be a good sales person questions. I fix computers for a living you fucktards! I know nothing about qualifying a buyer, making a close or what the hell a 'bird dog' is unless you are talking about golden retrievers. Needless to say I had a very unproductive 10 minute interview with said company & promptly got a thanks, but no thanks email.

2) A One Day Stand At Anal Inc:
Believe it or not, I got a job this week. However, I think I may have set a Guinness record for going from unemployed to unemployed again. My week went something like this:
Monday
1:30pm - 4:15pm: Interview at Anal Inc
6:00pm: Get job offer from Anal Inc

Tuesday
2:00pm: Go to recruiter's office to fill out paperwork & take drug test (onsite - it was a little creepy)

Wednesday
9:00am: Start job
My day then consisted of sitting around staring at people working, asking a few questions and bonding with the other new employee. I also noticed that the job seemed very much like a part time job I had when I was 20. If I wanted to sit in front of host sessions looking up customer information all day I would have gone back to that job where I at least like the people.
5:00pm: Leave job wondering how long I would have to be there before I was driven to kill myself. However, I was still trying to be optimistic about the fact that I at least had my foot in the door somewhere. I figured I could prove myself as I went along.

Thursday
7:00am: Brave ice storm to arrive at job. Sit through an hour and a half of training that was for people who already knew the system.
8:30am - 12:00pm: Sit & stare at other people working.
12:00pm: Recruiter arrives to tell me I have been deemed 'not a good fit' for the position & escorts me out of the building.

Yup, I managed to bomb this job in 8 hrs flat. I'm not entirely sure how. The explanation I was given by the recruiter was I was not a 'good fit'. Anal Inc had determined this by the time they had their daily call Wednesday night. 'Not a good fit' was determined by two actions: I had asked for a computer on the first day so I could log my time (though the other new guy had asked as well) & I didn't seem enthusiastic about training. Thinking back to the day before the only thing I said related to training was I asked if the training would be beneficial and/or relevant to us since we really didn't know anything about the systems they used. Apparently the supervisor (who I hadn't interviewed with & he seemed rather bitter about that fact) translated my question into: "I don't want to be here". A radical interpretation of the text don't you think?

I will say that it was not the job they had purported it to be. It may have seemed technical to non-technical people, but me & the other new guy both agreed the job was strictly a customer service rep position. Since that was the case we were a little confused as to why Anal Inc had hired two highly technical people at roughly twice the pay rate of any other employee. I know we were making that much more because my cohort had apparently got into a discussion about pay on the first morning of the first day. I later explained that for future reference he should not ever bring up pay with coworkers.
It also became apparent that I was the only college educated person outside of the management. I have found this tends to intimidate people. I don't flaunt it or anything. However, I happen to be an educated person & will not portray myself as anything less than that.

Overall, it was a disaster. I had a weird vibe from the second I showed up for the interview. I thought it would pass & I'd at least be able to stick out the job for a few months until I could find something else. Guess not.

I get the distinct feeling my numerous job hunting disasters are a sign of something. What that something is I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I am suppose to go to law school or start my own business with my mom...If this is a sign though, I wish someone would come & translate it for me, because clearly I'm missing something.

I think I'm too smart & assertive to be a good drone, but not experienced enough for a company to give me a chance at something more than that. I'm willing to be a grunt for awhile, I know I'm not above that. However, I think my personality is so distinct people read me incorrectly, make assumptions about me & then are compelled to act on their interpretations. Alternately, I am just a total bitch and don't even realize it. I guess I'd be more apt to believe the latter if I had some horrible work history or bounced jobs. That just isn't the case. I have never been at a job for less than 3 years in my life. So, what the deal is I'm not entirely sure.

Alas, I am back to square one...Stayed tuned for more fear & job hunting in Wisconsin.

2005: Survival of the Fittest?

2006-01-04T20:11:00.000-06:00

Before I get to my resolutions I have to do a quick recap of my 2005. If for no other reason than I am going to prove '06 can't be worse unless I end up a quadriplegic. So here is the '05 post game wrap up to be followed by the 2006 preseason post - The actual season doesn't start until I either a) Have my w2 or b) Can put the correct year on a check the first time.

Glad this shit is over....
Jan/Feb: I spent most of this time traveling for work. Nothing like taking 3 airplane flights in a week with the flu to go hang out at radionuclear pharmacies where everything is anally monitored & you might die while setting up some guy's email.

February, part 2: 13 hours after I got off my last flight from my last business trip after 9 months on a project I promptly fell & broke my leg. The dangerous act that led to my demise? Walking down my driveway. I'm still bitter I don't have a better story for my first & only broken bone. Never once while riding some crazy horse did I hurt myself that bad. Nor when I use to consumed twice my weight in drugs on a weekly basis did I end up in this situation. Nope, just trying to get to work. Fucking fate.

March - June: Deal with broken leg, eat painkillers, go to physical therapy. Thanks to physical therapist end up getting my flat ass feet casted (the word 'cast' makes one a tad jumpy after just having gotten out of one, trust me) so I can pay $180 to have the ultimate in old person accessories: Orthotics.

March: Had a brief relationship with an adorable yet flaky creature named Jay. A total hottie & with a giant vocabulary. Plus, bonus points to me for seducing him while my leg was in the cast which was covered up by what I refer to as 'the shit brown bootie'.

June: The Intern. All I have to say on that is STAY AWAY FROM THE YOUNG ONES.

July: As repayment for me busting my ass on an $11 million dollar integration I got a 3% raise followed exactly one week later by a firing. In all fairness I was begging to get fired, literally in some cases. Also, the month I officially started my blog.

August: Celebrated my firing & 26th birthday (8/1) by donning a new tattoo. Reveled in my state sponsored unemployment by getting shit done around the house.

September: Realized how much I suck at the whole getting a job process. Oh, and the juggler.

October: This would be when Mr. Robinson came into the picture. Still not sure if that was a good or bad thing.

November: I didn't feel thankful at all. Do you think karma got me back for that?

December: Started exercising & made my goal of losing 8 lbs by xmas eve. Suffered through the holiday season including one ill fated trip to NY. Finished off the year with a mini bash at IV's house. The shindig included doing those things you can only do guilt free on a holiday like New Year's as well as horrible photos being taken of me. Proof is available here, I'd be the fat one.

So to 2005 I say fuck off & don't come back...ever.

I Always Sucked At Team Sports

2006-01-03T12:46:00.000-06:00

My dear sweet best friend has tagged me. So here it goes...

Four Jobs You've Had in Your Life:
1. Horse Barn Slave
2. Bagel Girl @ Einstein's
3. Data Entry Girl
4. Girl Computer Tech

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1. Wonderboys
2. Silence of the Lambs
3. A&E Serial Killer DVD set (I don't have much patience for movies)
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD

Four Places You've Lived:
1. Wauwatosa, WI
2. Waukesha, WI
3. Fulton, MO
4. Sorry, that's all I got

Four TV Show You Love to Watch:
1. CSI, Original ONLY! (If William Peterson isn't a hot old guy I don't know who is)
2. Forensic Files
3. Cold Case Files
4. City Confidential
*These shows would be known in my house collectively as 'Dead body TV'. Yeah, I'm special.

Four Websites You Visit Daily:
1. Blog Explosion
2. Pogo
3. Google
4. Collar Me

Four of Your Favorite Foods:
1. Veal, no I don't care that it is dead baby cow
2. Mozzarella, Roma & Basil salad
3. Bacon
4. Pork roast w/broccoli & mashed potatoes

Four Albums You Can't Live Without (at least for the moment):
1. Exile in Guyville, Liz Phair
2. Human Wheels, John Mellencamp
3. Crossing Jordan, Soundtrack
4. Yes I Am, Melissa Etheridge

Four Places You'd Rather Be:
1. New York
2. Egypt
3. Northern California
4. Baltimore

My turn to cause pain...
Four People Who Are Now Obligated to Do This to Their Blog:
1. Eric
2. Dave
3. Tina
4. Rob

The Jew Christmas Whoring Of 2005

2005-12-26T21:27:00.000-06:00

Yeah, that card about sums it up. Actually I think nice straightforward beating would have been an improvement over my holiday weekend. However, I think I could easily be nominated for some sort of Guinness record for most screwed up Christmas ever.
If only I were making this up....

Christmas Eve:
It started normal enough. My usual holiday Jeckyl & Hyde mood swings were in full effect. I was wrapping last minute presents & watching football. I got a call from Mr. Robinson. We chatted for awhile & he mentioned that he had Monday off and asked me to come out to NY on Sunday. I promptly explained to him that since I wasn't Jewish I actually had some place to be on Sunday with my family. My mother then gets a call from my aunt who announces my dad will not be attending Christmas on Sunday. Christmas Day in my family might as well be called 'The day of the year I see my father'. So to find out he was not coming was a little shocking. My mom, strange romantic that she is, proceeds to explain my invitation to go to NY. For whatever reason my crazy catholic aunt thinks that instead of Christmas at her house I should most certainly go to NY.
Now what do I do? Talk about not having any experience to draw from...
I consulted the best friend who again said NO about 50 million times. I decided to tell MR that my plans had changed & I might be able to make it on Sunday after all, but decided to refrain from committing to anything until after I did the Christmas Eve thing with mom's side of the family.
I think the highlight of the evening would half to be when I learned that grandpa & his "lover" (who was in attendance wheelchair and all) had given up trying to have sex. Whew! Oh but wait, instead they hang out at the nursing home watching dirty movies! Great, now I get to picture grandpa watching porn. Sigh.
I put in my required four hours of attendance & took off with the family's yay vote to go to NY in hand.
I got home, called Mr Robinson & told him to book the ticket. I did so mainly to get it over with it. You can get along great with someone online, but it means nothing until you meet in person.
My ticket was booked at about 12:30 am for a 7:00 am flight. Between packing, my nerves & the early flight I got all of 2.5 hrs of sleep. This should have been a sign.

Getting There:
I arrive at the airport a little late, but since I didn't have any bags to check I wasn't too worried as I went to check in. As my ticket prints out from the little kiosk I see the kiss of death: SSSS. For those of you who don't travel this is airline code for 'You are a fucking terrorist bastard who needs to be strip searched before getting on the plane'. They claim it is random who gets selected for the super security check, but as I told the security folks at the Denver airport, RANDOM MY ASS! (Not that I recommend announcing such things to airport security personnel). Honestly though I'm plagued with the dreaded super security tag about 95% of the time. I do back flips when I get to go through the normal people line. Seriously.

I eventually get to my plane (down one cigarette lighter) & board. When I get on the plane the first thing the flight attendant (who was a dead ringer for Karen on Will & Grace) announces is that we have no ground power supply for the plane. What this means is there will be no heat on the plane until they turn the engine on. Once in the air the captain announces a smooth flight lasting about an hour and forty minutes.
All of those things turn out to be lies.
Lie#1: The Temprature Will Be Fine By The Time We Take Off
Gee, it is Wisconsin in December who would want something like heat on their plane? I had not previously known about the whole ground power thing before this Sunday. I do now & damn if it isn't important. I in fact would not regain feeling in my extremities until halfway through the flight.
Lie #2: Smooth Flight My Ass
No sooner do I tempt fate and ask for coffee then we immediately hit turbulence. By the way do you have any idea how much intestinal fortitude one has to have to order airplane coffee in the first place? Anyway, it wasn't awful turbulence, but certainly bumpy enough to test my ability to control a cup of coffee.
Lie#3: One Hour & Forty Minute Flight
I managed to fall asleep on the plane simply from exhaustion. When I wake up it is about 10 am eastern. I mistakenly think perfect, we will be landing any minute. Then the captain comes on the speaker. We are not landing, we are in fact in a holding pattern because there is about 2000 feet of visibility at LaGuardia. Then to comfort us, apparently, he says that if we can't land before we run out of gas the plane will be diverted. Ok, so let me get this straight: We can't land & we are 20 minutes from being out of gas at 30,000 feet? Wonderful.

We did in fact end up being diverted to Allentown, Pennsylvania. Not exactly the Christmas day plans I had in mind. While sitting on the ghost town like tarmac of Allentown waiting for the airport people to figure out how much money they wanted for being nice enough to let us not die a fiery death it occurred to me hanging out with the catholics suddenly didn't sound so bad. At least since we were on the ground I could use my cell phone. So I called Mr Robinson & explained my situation, he was less than thrilled. So, there I was with an undetermined amount of free time & had forgotten my MP3 player and/or a book. I resorted to scribbling notes down for this post on the stupid business reply cards I'd found in the Skymall magazine for entertainment. The whole time I had Billy Joel's Allentown going through my head. I don't even like that song in the first place, but apparently my brain found it appropriate to play since that is the only thing I know about Allentown PA. I will say that my Billy Joel moments were not nearly as disturbing as listening to the white boy teenager behind me attempting to compose a rap about Allentown.
Every so often there was an announcement about our status. The first one was basically 'We don't have a clue what is happening'.
The second one was about the temperature. Remember the ground power we didn't have in Milwaukee? We had one in Allentown. So instead of freezing to death they managed to keep the plane at a temperature equivalent to the temperature in the 7th circle of Dante's inferno. I made some feeble attempts to bond with my plane mates, but mostly just thought about smoking a cigarette & flipping through the Skymall looking for the strangest item. I decided it was most definitely the light up slippers:
The next announcement was about our lack of priority. LaGuardia had lifted it's ground stop & planes could now land, however since we were on the ground we were considered low priority. What the fuck? Ever been to Allentown's airport? You'd think twice about leaving anyone stranded there I promise.
Then there was the flight attendant's announcement about singing Christmas carols for dollars. Great, now I'm stuck on Karaoke Air.
Finally, after over an hour of bullshit, the announcement came that we were taking off for our whopping 25 minute flight into NY.

Wholly Crap! Terra Firma!
After landing at LaGuardia I realized that being diverted wasn't the worst thing to have happen. Far worse was to be the people who hadn't gotten on a plane yet. The terminal I had landed at more closely resembled a concentration camp as opposed to an airport. I carefully picked my way through the corpses & the screaming babies grateful to be moments away from FINALLY getting a cigarette. I nearly jumped over the counter of a news stand for some matches & rushed outside. Apparently I looked so fried that random people were walking up to me announcing how much I looked like I needed a cigarette. I then got a cab to Manhattan. I really hate cabbies I can't even remotely understand. This particular one was Jamaican. Halfway through the trip to Mr Robinson's apartment there is a toll bridge. The cabbie keeps asking me if I want him to use his zipper. Excuse me? Convinced something really fucked up is going on I have him repeat the phrase several more times. Eventually I discern that he is in fact not asking me to do anything with his pants, but is asking if I want him to use his EZ pass. Fucking New York.

Moment (or hours as it were) Of Truth:
I will admit my initial reaction to Mr. Robinson was something along the lines of "Oh my god, he looks like a cancer patient". His hair was grayer & there was quite a bit less of it than I had surmised from his photos. However, he didn't slam the door in my face & I didn't run screaming so it was a start.
I was a tad stunned at his enthusiasm though. Clearly we were going to have sex. I didn't realize he would try to jump me upon arrival. I was 3 hours late getting there, had gotten no sleep, looked awful even by my own standards & had just entered a strange NY apartment belonging to a man who may or may not intend to chop me into little pieces. Anyone else wondering why maybe my libido wasn't firing on all cylinders? I get him to chill out & mention I could use some food. The bags of mini pretzels & half frozen granola bars I had gotten on the plane were not exactly life sustaining at that point. We ended up walking down to a small diner and getting some food which went a long way in calming my nerves.
We got back to the apartment & there was about 2 hours until the Packer game. So, Mr. Robinson, the pure hormone that he is, decided that now I had definitely been on the ground long enough to have sex. I was more game for it at that point. It actually wasn't bad sex considering I was still a little disoriented & overwhelmed by the situation. It also wasn't bad considering this was the oldest cock I had ever been near. Also, at 40 he has a better body then I've ever had. It was a little depressing.
After the sex he seemed much more capable of being a normal human being which was comforting. We watched the Packer game. As usual my team was sucking ass so MR decides he is going to show me how to play bridge. This actually ended up being one of the best parts of the trip. We talked, he was explaining the game while he played, then let me play for awhile. It's kind of addictive in the same way Sudoku is.
We then ordered some Thai food. If there is one perk to being in a big city it has to be the food. No way in hell could I have had Thai delivered on Christmas day in Wisconsin. The food was awesome too. The plan was then to go see Syriana, but we ended up watching the Vikings game & falling asleep. Well, sleep is a relative term. I figured after we went to bed I'd have no trouble sleeping. I was over my fear that he was going to chop me into a million pieces so no problem right? Wrong. Old New York apartments have steam heat. I had never experienced steam heat before. Basically the deal is every 5 fucking minutes the heat kicks in and it sounds like someone is releasing air from a valve. I don't know how the hell one gets use to this obnoxious sound.
When we got up Monday morning it was basically time for coffee, a recap & then I had to go catch my plane. So there I was sucking down fairly decent coffee, lighting my cigarettes on the stove since my matches were all gone & discussing the experience with MR.
The verdict was pretty neutral. He thought I was too fat (he did say it nicer than that) & was upset that I hadn't taken 3 showers since I'd been there (less than 24 hours mind you) the way he had. I have good hygiene, but am a little weirded out taking showers in other people's places. Call me crazy but I think he was way overly upset by the shower thing. Then he has the nerve to say he wanted to fuck me again, but since I didn't take enough showers he didn't. What the hell is that?
I found him a little too neurotic & the hairline was just way rougher than I expected. When we were having sex all I kept thinking was 'Wow, you are so like a dirty old man', even though the sex itself was good. No wonder guys like fucking younger girls. I mean body aside, at least I have a face worth looking at in the throes of passion.

Homeward Bound:
By 9:40 am I kissed him goodbye & was safely in a cab back to LaGuardia. The plane was about 10 minutes late getting there. When we finally boarded I realized something very important: DO NOT FLY THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! Ok, you can fly, but I don't recommend it unless you either love demon children or are extremely masochistic. First I got stuck with a window seat. I hate window seats. I like watching the take off & landing, but I always feel cramped by the window. Then the row behind me, my row & the row in front of me all fill up with the same set of passengers: 2 parents (What happened to the good ol' days when everyone was divorced?), a toddler & a fucking baby. I just sat there squished against my window thinking about the suffering to come from the screaming babies & antsy toddlers surrounding me. Couldn't I have just gotten a nice terrorist looking guy instead? At least then I could have slept on the flight. Then of all the dads on the plane I get the tallest one & of course he is a total Madison hippie. Just trust me on this one. If you are from Wisconsin you can spot a granola munching, bike loving, shower hating Madison hippie at a mile. Before we even took off he had whipped out homemade trail mix for the kids.
Another thing about parents...Why are they always armed with crackers? Within five minutes of take off all I could smell was that distinct odor of children eating crackers. It was a lot like being gang raped by 20 men who had just downed a bag of fritos each. I hate the smell of crackers and frito breath for that matter.

Home Sweet Home?
I was glad to be home in one piece. I was even glad that I made the trip out there. Though not a resounding success at least now I knew what to think of the situation. What I wasn't thrilled about was explaining any of the events to my people back home. Mom got the short & sweet version and that seemed to quell her interest. It was probably apparent that it hadn't been awful, but it hadn't been amazing either.
I went out there with realistic expectations so I wasn't overly upset or disappointed. Well, I wasn't until I talked to the best friend. Her take on the situation was that he had basically flown me out there for sex, could have cared less about me as a person & he might as well have left a $50 on the nightstand. I can understand that to a point, but it didn't feel quite that cheap to me at the time. Alternately I'm so use to being treated that way it doesn't even faze me anymore. Something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. I'm clearly the ugly brown clearance pile sweater of dates. I'm just grateful for getting a second look.
Plus, sometimes it's just nice to have a warm body. Someone to make you feel a little less lonely even if it's only for a short while.

So that was my Christmas '05. I think I'm going to go put Fuck & Run by Liz Phair on repeat...

Oops, I Have A Sex Blog

2005-12-22T16:25:00.000-06:00

So, my little ol' blog has been nominated for a Best of Blog award thanks to Bonanza. There is a catch though...I've been nominated as a sex blog! The ironic thing is I actually have an adult blog that was going to be where I dumped all my adventures & exploits, but it hasn't really turned out that way. Plus, I know a lot of my visitors here wait on the edge of their seats for my next disasterous sexcapade.
I guess since my blog is only about 5 months old I didn't really expect to get a nomination. That seems like something for the cool, popular blogs. However, I think I'm going to revel in my 15 minutes (or 30 seconds) of fame and recap the sex posts in one place. Hope you all enjoy them as much as BJ does!
My Best (or worst...depending on your viewpoint) Stories:
- Mom Gets A Lesson In Leather
- Mom & Leather Part 2: Jerry Bruckheimer's Fetishes Are Killing Me
- Grandpa Doesn't Need No Stinking Viagra
- Sex & The Single Girl
- ...And Then He Juggled
- The Intern

Some dirty rants:
- Are Men This Insecure or Am I Just A Bad Lay?
- Bite Me
- But I Don't Want God In My Threesome!
- Abstinence Redefined

Random & amusing:
- Iron Hymen
- Divine Intervention

Now that I have listed the posts out (and I skipped some) it has become clear why I am a sex blog nominee and I'm totally ok with that.

Down With Dover!

2005-12-20T12:57:00.000-06:00

I never broke down & wrote an Intelligent Design post. The whole thing angers me so much I was pretty sure my head would explode if I tried to put my thoughts down on paper, or on monitor as it were. I also try to dodge any topic bloggers have beaten to death. If there are 8 million posts on something already the odds of me adding anything new are slim to none. That being said I am ecstatic to hear about the federal court ruling against ID in the Dover Public School district.
I'd love to bitch & moan about the stupidity of the ID supporters at large. Instead I offer up an article that pretty much sums up the best reason I can think of to keep religion out of schools: Religion will be the downfall of modern society. So if you are all for abortions, STDs & higher murder rates go ahead and keep shoving your god down my throat. But when everything goes to hell in a handbasket just remember those of us who warned you that the handbasket didn't exist in the first place.

Societies Worse Off When They Have God On Their Side
By Ruth Gledhill, Religion Correspondent

RELIGIOUS belief can cause damage to a society, contributing towards high murder rates, abortion, sexual promiscuity and suicide, according to research published today.

According to the study, belief in and worship of God are not only unnecessary for a healthy society but may actually contribute to social problems.

The study counters the view of believers that religion is necessary to provide the moral and ethical foundations of a healthy society.

It compares the social performance of relatively secular countries, such as Britain, with the US, where the majority believes in a creator rather than the theory of evolution. Many conservative evangelicals in the US consider Darwinism to be a social evil, believing that it inspires atheism and amorality.

Many liberal Christians and believers of other faiths hold that religious belief is socially beneficial, believing that it helps to lower rates of violent crime, murder, suicide, sexual promiscuity and abortion. The benefits of religious belief to a society have been described as its “spiritual capital”. But the study claims that the devotion of many in the US may actually contribute to its ills.

The paper, published in the Journal of Religion and Society, a US academic journal, reports: “Many Americans agree that their churchgoing nation is an exceptional, God-blessed, shining city on the hill that stands as an impressive example for an increasingly sceptical world.

“In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies.

“The United States is almost always the most dysfunctional of the developing democracies, sometimes spectacularly so.”

Gregory Paul, the author of the study and a social scientist, used data from the International Social Survey Programme, Gallup and other research bodies to reach his conclusions.

He compared social indicators such as murder rates, abortion, suicide and teenage pregnancy.

The study concluded that the US was the world’s only prosperous democracy where murder rates were still high, and that the least devout nations were the least dysfunctional. Mr Paul said that rates of gonorrhoea in adolescents in the US were up to 300 times higher than in less devout democratic countries. The US also suffered from “ uniquely high” adolescent and adult syphilis infection rates, and adolescent abortion rates, the study suggested.

Mr Paul said: “The study shows that England, despite the social ills it has, is actually performing a good deal better than the USA in most indicators, even though it is now a much less religious nation than America.”

He said that the disparity was even greater when the US was compared with other countries, including France, Japan and the Scandinavian countries. These nations had been the most successful in reducing murder rates, early mortality, sexually transmitted diseases and abortion, he added.

Mr Paul delayed releasing the study until now because of Hurricane Katrina. He said that the evidence accumulated by a number of different studies suggested that religion might actually contribute to social ills. “I suspect that Europeans are increasingly repelled by the poor societal performance of the Christian states,” he added.

He said that most Western nations would become more religious only if the theory of evolution could be overturned and the existence of God scientifically proven. Likewise, the theory of evolution would not enjoy majority support in the US unless there was a marked decline in religious belief, Mr Paul said.

“The non-religious, proevolution democracies contradict the dictum that a society cannot enjoy good conditions unless most citizens ardently believe in a moral creator.

“The widely held fear that a Godless citizenry must experience societal disaster is therefore refuted.”

Sunday Is A Good Day To Be Pointless

2005-12-18T20:30:00.000-06:00

It's true. Only on Sunday does doing nothing seem overly appropriate. So, my post today (partially inspired by I Talk Too Much's weblog awards) is devoted to two blogs I find incredibly pointless. Normally I don't dis other blogs. It's kind of low even for me. Not to mention I may alienate a potential reader. I mean just because I think these people are crazy doesn't mean they couldn't love my amazing blog right?

*No links to these sites will be provided in an attempt to save you the suffering I have gone through. However, if you are a masochist both can be found through Blog Explosion.

Loser #1: Humpty Lumpty
The gist of this blog is that a woman pumped out 4 kids and is now having plastic surgery to repair the 'damage' they have caused her body. As someone who is constantly struggling with weight I can not feel this woman's pain in the least. From what I can gather she is about 5'4" & 119lbs. The way her posts read you'd think she weighed 300lbs.
I am 5'7" and look decent for my 201lbs. I have weighed more & on occasion less. Either way it is something that I have had to deal with my whole life & it is not easy. Therefore I can NOT sympathize with this whiny self obsessed bitch. If her body was so important then why put it through four fucking pregnancies??
The post line that put me over the edge: Soon I will be able to have sex with my husband without being embarrassed about being on top.
So basically what you are saying is that your husband is as shallow as you are & you clearly aren't comfortable in your own body. I don't think surgery will fix either of those things sweetie.

Loser #2: 3 Is The Charm
First off I just have to note that the proper use of the cliche is to say "The third time is the charm'. If you are lame enough to name your blog with a cliche at least respect yourself enough to use the cliche properly. Otherwise you just look like an idiot.
On to the content...Apparently the only way this guy could stay married was to get jesus in on the action. He is on his 3rd marriage and is wholly convinced this one is working because he let the lord in on the action.
There was an article in Rolling Stone this summer about virginity. Reading the article so infuriated me that it became the catalyst for this blog (Go back & read it, it's a funny post). I have huge problems with the idea of making all sexual relationships threesomes with god! That is just retarded.
Awhile back I ended up on the date from hell with an Irish Catholic (he was even originally from Boston). In between his stories about beating up people in a noble way he informed me that before he has sex with a girl he always takes off his crucifix. Apparently even he knew that god is not needed for people to have orgasms.
Just so we are all clear on how not to irritate me: Use cliches properly. Only refer to sex & god at the same time if it is in the context of "She couldn't stop screaming 'Oh God!' last night".
The post line that put me over the edge: The gay ass banner on the top that announces "As for me & my blog will serve the lord".
Whatever, all blogs are for the most part self-indulgent. Even mine. There is nothing in the bible about blogs so ditch the lame ass banner.

The Runners Up:
*Mommy blogs: You know who you are. I don't care that your offspring took a shit today.
*Haiku Blogs: What is up with these? You can count syllables & this means you need a blog? I really hate haikus. Poetry for the lame & unartistic.
*Blogs that make noise without me asking them to: I block audio blogs for a reason. I hate surfing blogs only to get stuck with some fucking Celine Dion song blaring at me, an audio clip of the blogger themselves (What? Are you too lazy to type? Spell check down? Please), music videos, any sort of talking audio widget that you have decided your blog could not survive without or (as happened to me today) a Dubya speech that no matter what I did could not be shut the fuck up.