The Good Reverend

Forgotten Must Equal Forgiven

2013-07-06T17:25:00.003-07:00

I graduated from high school twenty years ago. I find this hard to believe. Not because it seems like no time has passed, is it hard to believe, but because I don't feel like an adult. I guess that is to say, I don't feel how I thought it would feel to feel like an adult. I clearly feel like an adult. I'm nearly 38 and this is how I feel, so my experience is the only access to "feeling adult" I can have. It's just not what I expected.

If you've read about my school experiences in the past, you might wonder why I chose to go to my reunion. Everyone I've spoken to has asked quite directly, what the hell I was thinking. I was thinking a lot.

I was immediately excited about the reunion. Then I wasn't. Then I thought I would go. Then I decided I wouldn't. Then a couple of my old classmates reached out to me, quite unexpectedly, and one offered to be part of the broken-bottle brawl if anyone screwed with me. That last bit was a deal maker for me. So, we went.

The reason, really, that I decided to go is this. While I have, still, a strong emotional reaction to my school years on a very visceral level, I have very few specific memories of the bullying events attached to people at this point. There are some folks who come to mind, and my palms begin to sweat. Mostly, though, I remember vaguely the mocking, name-calling, books being flung from my locker down the hall, and constant feeling that I didn't belong. Try as I might, though, I can't make my brain call up specifics. Realizing this, I decided that I must find a way to forgive that part of my life, and the people in it, because how could I have this much anger and anxiety tied to something I can't even clearly remember?

I can't fathom that someone didn't utter the word fag in relation to Frank and I being there at some point in some place in that room last night or in their conversations after. I'm a pretty positive and optimistic guy. I am not ridiculous in it, though. No one who I spoke with, and I would say I chatted with about 1/3 or 1/2 of the room, brought anything but just good conversation. I answered questions, asked questions, reminisced, laughed, and even got a few tears in my eyes hearing about hard times in the lives of people I haven't seen for 20 years.

Were there people there I remember bullying me? Absolutely. One such person even chatted with me. Mostly, though, there were people who, just like me, want to be happy. Just like me, they have done all of their lives the very best that they could with what they had. Just like me... that is the practice I learned from Pema Chödrön's teachings, that I apply as often as possible. It breaks down walls. It opens up compassion. It finds us all on a level playing ground even when everyone in the room doesn't realize it.

I'm so glad we went last night. I'm so glad that people showed up and were just people. I'm so proud of who these boys and girls have become as men and women. Every one of us.

What have you forgotten but not forgiven? What are you waiting for?

Classes

2013-01-02T17:10:00.002-08:00

As the year continues its beginning, even though it is just an arbitrary starting point really, I keep expanding my commitments to myself for the year.

A number of years ago I was driving on 65 headed north. I was just at the split downtown and was thinking about some class I wanted to take. I don't remember where I was going or what the class was. I do remember this. As I was contemplating the class and whether or not I should try to afford it, I began wondering why I felt I needed to take the class. It was some sort of spirituality-focused endeavor and wasn't something completely new to me, I remember. And I wondered why it was that I was ALWAYS wanting to take some class or workshop of this ilk. All of a sudden I had this thought. I was taking these classes until it happened that I learned that thing that would make me worth someone loving me. I cried so hard I thought I was going to have to pull off the road. I'm sure the people in the car next to mine thought I was having a breakdown, and I guess I was... a breaking open, really.

As I was just reading a description of a class that I've been curious about, that moment came back to me. I realized that day and I realize now, there isn't a thing that I, or you, need to learn to have worth. Worth is just part of the package. It's not something to be gained or that can be lost.

I am a curious man. I like, as do many people, to learn things for the sake of learning and knowing. Some things, though, we already know and we want to take the class anyway. It doesn't matter whether it be class in the literal sense or class in the sense of walking our way through some life lesson. There are things we know and just need or want to be reminded of once in a while. Or, things we wish we didn't know so that we could just do it again anyway because it provides some sort of immediate gratification.

In light of this, a commitment from me to myself this year is to teach the things I know and to do my best to not take classes, in any sense of the word, for which I already have some level of mastery. That means that I likely don't need to take the one I was reading about and it means that I can navigate some personal interactions in better and healthier ways. I don't need conflict. It also means that you'll be seeing some offerings of workshops and classes from me that you may or may not need, want or be interested in. I will keep teaching, though. It's what I love most.

Are there doors in your life that you've already been through, know that what waits on the other side doesn't serve you, and yet you continue to open them? What if you just left them closed and found a new door? What if?

Obsession

2012-06-10T05:02:00.002-07:00

Sometimes Ted Lorenzen is in my head more than I want... I ran a 5K charity run yesterday, and I'm not pleased with the fact that a 35yo guy ran the race in 16 minutes. I mean, good for him. I guess I am pleased for his excellent running skills. I'm actually not pleased that I ran it in over 32. I also realize that I was quite knackered after what is, actually, a fairly short run. People run much farther than that several times a week just because they like it. Like it? WTCrap! I've also just watched a couple videos related to some American Ninja show. Are these people human? Am I human? Are we the same kind of human?

Now, how Theodore is in my head is this. He once told me, when I was being rather obsessive about something probably menial, that the only way people ever got good at things was by obsessing. I get that. It's why I got a pile of books and videos about tai chi while shopping around the city for the right class/teacher for me. It's why I have nearly EVERY knitting loom known to mankind. I can obsess with the best of them.

The difference between what my body is like now and what I want it to be like, both in shape and ability, is so huge, that I obsess more about that gap than about how to bridge it. I also realized yesterday that there are things I don't want to do or don't feel comfortable doing because they are behaviors of "athletes," and I am not an "athlete." Well, not in my mind anyway. I need to wrap my head around the fact that "athlete" is not an innate state of being. It is a description of someone who, in this case, eats a healthy diet that is mostly paleo, might teach karate a couple times a week, take a couple nights of tai chi, do QuantumFit workouts with a trainer three times a week plus a run or two here and there, and who rides his bike here and there just to get a little extra in. I can type that. I don't really believe it, though. It feels like pretending.

Furthermore, I always want my performance to be better, but I never really want to be working out. I feel embarrassed that I'm doing it because I think "people like me" (insert liberal amount of negative self talk about weight) don't do "things like this." It is a constant battle that I'm not convinced I'm winning. I feel so confident about so much of my life. This part is not one of them. I usually write here about things that amaze me, things that are going well, or new understandings. Those things are all happening and are all just as awesome as always. I also have this thing. This little, nagging bit. It's there like a dull hum beneath the wonderful going on everyday.

I'm assuming other people, even the ones with great bodies, have a quiet (or deafening) dirge that drones on behind the everyday of their lives as well. That's new, because I always imagined thin/fit people havin perfect lives. It's part of my crazy. Still, there is stuff going on for everyone. Acknowledging that is a new way of empowering myself and others to be right where they are at any given moment. There's a potential for compassion hidden in the parts we perceive as broken. That's no reason to not keep working on seeing those parts differently and adjusting where it makes sense. It is just a reason to have some peace with them. And peace with the self is a good thing to have.

The Value of Darkness

2012-04-05T12:55:00.001-07:00

Back to School

2011-08-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

When I was in school, I was bullied. I was bullied every day. It was horrible. In the midst of that, there were a couple friends at school who kept me just on this side of giving up. That coupled with having a job so I was not so acutely aware of just how lacking my social life was, got me through to a time with greater perspective and a broader understanding of who I am in the world. I am glad for it.

As your kids are getting dressed for these early days of school, let me tell you that you have no idea what is going on at school unless you are following them around all day. What you don't want to believe is that your kid is being bullied or that your kid would allow another kid to be bullied or that your kid is a bully. Any of these things could be true. I don't think many parents talk about this with their kids. Likely, if there are parents who do, you read my blog and I'm preaching to the choir. Regardless, maybe you could encourage this kind of discussion amongst other parents you know.

Talk to your child about bullying. Let them know what it is with examples and stories so that they are ready to recognize it and so they are ready to avoid exhibiting such behaviors. Tell them how to handle bullying if they see it happening or if they experience it first-hand. Teach them to tell adults. Tell as many adults as necessary to get an intervention. We've seen in the news over and over that teachers and school staff know about bullying and don't respond. You should be at the top of that list of adults and you should support your child in getting help for another until someone intervenes. We know what happens when intervention is lacking and it is all too often a tragedy even if it never makes the news.

Talk to your child about how to befriend someone who's being picked on. If your child believes it is more important to be liked by the "cool" kids than it is to care for the kids who aren't so cool, you need to help them shift this perception. This may take some shifting on your part as well. Even as adults it's hard to behave in this way. We were trained at an early age that it is important what people think about us and about the people with whom we are seen. Bullying continues into the workplace for this very reason. Start early to empower yourself and your child to not stand for this kind of behavior.

Make certain that you listen every time your child tells you about an instance of bullying. Don't be lured into the trap of blaming the victim with talk of the child needing to "toughen up." Don't allow yourself to be afraid of unwanted attention if your child "tattles" on others. This is a hero opportunity, in my opinion. If one of my supposed friends in school had stood up for me in a public way, I think it would have changed everything. Let your child be someone's hero.

The best way to stop bullying is to teach kids what it means to bully and what it means to stand against it. Teachers, faculty, staff have no time and often no perspective into how the kids are treating each other. When these kids come out into the world, there won't be some authority figure protecting them anyway. They must learn to stand together against such things. It's your job to teach them. Do it for them. Do it for their friends. Do it for our future.

Straight People Are Coming Out Everywhere!

2011-08-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

I recently had the opportunity to speak at a human sexuality class, along with an awesome panel of folks, at IUPUI. I've been on this panel a few times in the past because I know the instructor. The panel consists of GLBTA folks. This time we had a G, a B, and two A's represented. The A's are a married couple with two children, an L and a G. As usual, we started by introducing ourselves and telling our stories as we see them. I don't remember what I talked about this year because it's not my favorite part. My favorite part is the Q&A.

College kids are interesting to me and IUPUI makes them even more so because the ages are so varied. There are just-out-of-high-school kids and 30 and 40-something kids, too. The questions were similar this year to what they typically are except for one that I was excited to answer and I'll put my thoughts about the question here because I think it's important.

A young woman I would guess to be in her late twenties, though I could be completely wrong, asked from her front-row seat why so many times she hears younger gay people announcing that they are gay. "I don't just announce that I'm straight when I meet people," she shared. I talked about being younger and provocative and searching for the place you fit with others. I talked about when I was young and was a button pusher so that people were forced to accept me or not but no in-between. It was a rough time, I admitted, but a time that helped me learn new ways to interact with people that are, at least once in a while, smoother.

I then addressed the other thing she said about not telling people she's straight and I now address this to all you straight people. First of all, people already assume you're straight just like they often assume I'm straight. You don't have to tell them. Second, you DO tell them. You just don't think about it. I'll make a race correlation. When white people talk about other white people, unless we are conscious of it, we always just talk about people. We tend to describe the person by gender, maybe job, and possibly what they were wearing or who they were with. If we are describing people who aren't white, we start with skin color or nationality. White people generally assume that the other people we are talking about are white unless we point out that they aren't. When straight people are around new people, they assume that everyone there is straight, unless they are more socially aware. You also freely come out as a heterosexual when you start talking about your relationships, be they current or past. It's just a natural thing and you don't have to gauge the crowd to know if it's okay for you to talk about your girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband.

As it is, I do the same thing as straight people and not the same thing as other white people. I take some perverse pleasure in describing white people as white. It's funny. I also enjoy leaving out the complexion of people who aren't white so that the white people I'm talking to say, "You mean the black guy?" Like straight people, I talk about my husband in a normal way because, well, it is normal to me. I still weigh the situation, though. Sometimes it's not worth the irritation to have to deal with ignorant people. Other times I am pleasantly surprised that the person across from me is just as fine with it as I am. And, sometimes, I just like to watch them be uncomfortable with my forwardness.

Why do I have to come out all the time? Because I'm not typically what people assume. So, straight people, stop telling everyone you're straight! Why is it important who you sleep with?

Yessing

2011-06-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have friends who have all kinds of awesome side businesses that earn them little to a lot of money. I always think they are things I could do too but wonder why I don't. It's not a deeply hidden mystery.

I'm a big chicken. What am I afraid of? Maybe failure. More likely I'm afraid of raising the bar to a level I can't regularly reach. It could be that I don't start for fear of not finishing yet another project. Possibly, it's the maniacal way that I research something so that I know the perfect way to do it before I ever begin instead of finding excitement in experimenting. Perhaps it's what a lovely past boyfriend said of me. I love experience and once I've done something it doesn't hold much interest anymore. The idea of mass, or mini-mass, producing some item for sale doesn't seem fun. I think that is the biggest part of the problem. I am mis-labeling what fun is.

It's time to change that! Today I start yessing the skills I have that could help with the diversification of my income stream. My advice to you? Start yessing more and no-ing less. Except when a no enables an even better yes. Then that no becomes a yes of its own. Yes to big life and no to little death.

Getting over the wall

2011-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

I did my first workout of the new year last night under the tutelage of Frank Dennis. It wasn't a really big deal. I just did a scaled version of the baseline. I'm sore, though. It was hard to get there. I started the new eating plan yesterday too. It's not really new, it's just reinvigorated after a good while of bad choice making. Did I mention it was hard to get there?

I had to really force myself and Heather's being available to shove me out the door didn't hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shut down. I can't really even explain all of it in any way that would make it make sense. For me, a lot of shit comes up related to my body and doing things physical. Many years of being bullied have left their mark, I suppose. It's a big ol' brick wall that I can pretend isn't there mostly because I prefer to stand with my back to it. When I turn to walk into the gym, I run right into it.

Today is Tuesday, though. I'm on day 2 of "eating clean" as this author puts it. I hurt. I am fat. I feel a little rough because my body is trying to get me to eat some sugar by making me feel like poop. Mostly, though, I'm figuring out what it will take to get through this hardest part and fully back on track. I think it will take a little crazy.

Some time ago when I was talking about weight issues with my friend Ted, I mentioned that I was trying to make myself only get on the scale once a week because I didn't figure that obsessively weighing myself daily was all that healthy. He said something to the effect that most people didn't probably make big changes or become really good at things in their lives without a little obsession. It struck me then as a good idea and it strikes me now as an even better idea. That blog I posted up there regarding "eating clean" is written by a woman who, to the keen observer, seems a lot obsessed with CrossFit and with the Paleo approach to eating. And, incidentally, she's good at it. Probably, she's great at it.

I dived into knitting this fall with reckless abandon. Why? It was something I was able to try first at home and I was immediately successful. No risk. Most of the things in my life that people would say I do well started in that fashion. I am absolutely terrified of not being good at things because of all those years of being verbally beaten at any opportunity about things that I sucked at. Now, the person who beats me up the best, is me. I talk myself out of it before I even try.

When I met Frank, I was worried to tell my friends that I was falling for him because they had seen me date guys before and seen me break up and I was worried they'd just roll their eyes. I tried to keep it under wraps for a bit. As it turns out, we're getting married. The behavior, though, is what I'm doing with wanting to get healthy. I want to try to do it quietly until I've achieved some modicum of success. Then, when it's less risky, I could safely get excited in front of other people.

That wall is still there. I just started reading a book by Rudy Reyes called Hero Living. I've had it for a couple months and haven't picked it up because I feel ridiculous for reading it. I feel like I'm just looking at another self-help book that I'll get all kinds of great ideas out of to help other folks apply in their lives but that I'll be the same pathetic person. His introduction, though, has pushed me past that a little.

As I tell other folks, when you are facing something hard, think about the other things you've gotten through and you'll recognize that this, whatever it looks like, is temporary. Push through until the next temporary moment is here and is better and live it up. Things are great right now. I'm about to get married. I'm probably not going to go to debtors prison. I'm getting on with my parents better than I have in my life. In fact, I'm back at the gym and eating right again. While that is the hardest part, it's also the most important obstacle for me to get over right now.

I don't feel inspired right now. I don't feel powerful. I don't feel good about myself. What I feel is the confidence that I am 100% convinced that how I feel about myself is temporary and that I will take myself, feeling like shit, into the gym and I will do the workouts and I will not be mean to my boyfriend for trying to be nice and I will, at some point, be able to be glad I did.

Bricks...

2010-12-31T04:38:00.000-08:00

Below is a link to the talk I gave at The Church Within recently. They have evidently started editing differently so the introduction that I gave at the start is not there but is mentioned so I'll include it in the text before the recording. Happy New Year! I hope that you'll find a way to let go of those bricks that way you down.

-----

I would like us to start today with a poem from Emily Dickinson.

CXXVI
126

THE BRAIN is wider than the sky,

For, put them side by side,

The one the other will include

With ease, and you beside.

The brain is deeper than the sea, 5

For, hold them, blue to blue,

The one the other will absorb,

As sponges, buckets do.

The brain is just the weight of God,

For, lift them, pound for pound, 10

And they will differ, if they do,

As syllable from sound.

Emily Dickinson is regarded as one of America’s greatest poets. She lived, for most of her life, in seclusion in her family home because of her own shyness and awkwardness in social situations. After her death, her sister found over 1700 poems that Emily had written and, ignoring Emily’s instructions to burn any manuscripts, passed the writing along to a family friend who began typing the works and publishing them. This poem, number 126, is currently one of my very favorite collections of words.

In the simplest of explorations, the poem regards the sky as small compared to the mind because, even with all its expanse, the sky is subsumed by the mind. Not only the sky, but the sea and even “you” are absorbed by the mind. All that we see, existing as it does, exists in as much variety as there is variety of observer. While we can agree that this is red or that is blue, the many connections in our brain and in our mind are so varied, that even that agreeing upon is a separate phenomenon confined to each of our minds.

What I like even more, is the last bit.

“The brain is just the weight of God,

For, lift them, pound for pound, 10

And they will differ, if they do,

As syllable from sound.”

What some scholars have said, and I like it so much that they said it that I’m going to say it to you, is that the difference between syllable and sound is that syllable is a human construct used as part of a word to convey a particular meaning while sound is raw and unformed.

The world we live in exists in our mind as a construct of our experience, understanding, and belief. Within this world exists an “I” that not only lives in the world, but adjusts it as the taker in of information for this mind that builds our reality. The brain, then, is no different from a god perceived as creator for we create in every moment the truth through which we walk. Just as we use the raw material of sound to create words that lift up and words that tear down we can create a world that is one ripe for all people to be happy or one that is destitute.

-----

And this will get you to the mp3 of the message... If you are Deaf or would prefer to read the message, let me know and I'll send it to you. :)

So shallow...

2010-10-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Besides being an amazing guy, could my fiance be any hotter? I'm just saying.

We love you, Billy Van Raaphorst...

2010-08-14T06:15:00.000-07:00

This is a letter in response to the article by Jason Whitlock that can be read in its entirety on Fox Sports.

------------

I am not a sports fan at all. I saw the link to your article on facebook and, as a gay man, thought I should read it. Following your example of full transparency, when I saw that it was on Fox, I was surprised. When I then saw that it was a black man in the writer's seat, I was also surprised. The GLBT community does not expect support from Fox, the sports crowd, or from black Americans. We are just as capable of over-generalization as the next person. I was not at all surprised, because of this, to read your disclaimer at the top of the article. Outside of those first two, albeit short, paragraphs, the article was absolutely stellar.

What I would like to share about that opening, though, is something I don't get the opportunity to say often enough. I fully understand that there are differences for those of us growing up gay and lesbian as compared to growing up black. I was born in the US and understand as best I can as a white man how different my world is simply because of the color of my skin. I do not believe that I truly understand, simply that I do my best. Growing up, my Dad was so ridiculous about his racism, though, that it back fired with me. Even as a kid I was aware that he just couldn't be right and the racism that passed on to my older, half-bothers didn't grow in me. That hasn't panned out as me having an adult life that isn't just a white guy with mostly white friends. I honestly don't know how to make that different and to do so consciously would be artificial. It is what it is and the diversity in my relationships is authentic and appreciated. What it has done, though, is make me aware that each person is a person who I can meet and know regardless the labels that they present. Regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation, there is an individual there trying their best to be who they are.

Now, to separate the struggle of the black community from the gay community the way you have has one huge and glaring problem for me. "You can’t conceal skin color in a closet or anywhere else. Denying gay people the right to marry doesn’t equate to denying black people freedom, the right to vote, equal education, etc." In this sentence you've inferred that you think black people should hide that they are black if they could in order to access equal rights and you have also dismissed the fact that I can be fired from a job simply for being gay in most places in this country. You have neglected to mention the fact that I am denied all the legal and tax right associated with marriage. You have stated that the rights I don't have do not equate not having freedom. You have ignored the truth that glbt kids are bullied every day by white and black and Latino and every other kid for being gay even though they themselves are white and black and Latino and every other kid. Being bullied day in and day out does not equate to equal access to education. Furthermore, there has been talk by organizations like NOM stating that doctors and others should be allowed to refuse me care simply because they have some philosophical or otherwise-labeled-issue with homosexuality. The deeper you look, the more you realize that the spokes at the edge of this wagon wheel of discrimination are all joined at the hub.

The bigots who would have the gay community kept down are the same people that are selling you the idea that we are less deserving of freedom because we could hide it. It is the fear they have of you that is keeping you afraid of embracing us as your own. If all gay people were white or simply non-black, then perhaps you could separate our plights for equality. You and I both know that is not the case. You can't talk about gay people and black people as separate. The overlap is too great.

I appreciate your article. I appreciate where it was printed. I appreciate the personal growth that you outlined at the end of your story. I even appreciate that you see a difference between our experiences with discrimination. I am hurt that you think I should hide that I am gay to be seen as equal. I would never want you to not be who you are just so people could like you. I would much rather fight every day to be who I am than to quietly deny it so that people could feel more comfortable and then like some version of me that fits their level of understanding.

I hope that you have taken the time to read this letter and I hope that you tell everyone you know to be who they are as fearlessly as Billy Van Raaphorst.

With much respect and gratitude,
Darren Chittick

Confrontational Conversations

2010-07-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

I am not typically one to avoid confrontation. There are certain situations, though, in which I shy away from awkwardness and one of those, oddly, is when I'm buying things. I have had only a couple instances in my life in which I just looked at a sales person and said, "Nope, that's too much for what you are offering." Both times I ended up with what I wanted for the amount I wanted to pay. More often, I end up getting home and feeling like I shouldn't have paid what I did or as if what I got wasn't really what I wanted.

Yesterday, at the farmers market at the City Market, Frank and I started wondering aloud who was and wasn't growing their own product and who was and wasn't using chemicals in their production. I said that I had decided that if someone was offended by our asking then it meant they weren't growing things we wanted to eat anyway. As it was, that was easier said than done.

This is our second year of regularly visiting this market. We are familiar with the folks as much as you can be by virtue of regular patronage. Last year we were too naive to ask the right questions but this year finds us more well-armed to define what it is we want to buy. Our thought, as learned from Food Inc., is that we are voting with every dollar we spend and we want to vote for local food grown with organic methods even if the place isn't certified.

What we found was that the person we had been buying a majority of our stuff from does produce everything she sells. However, she also sprays chemicals on it. Another booth doesn't spray, as they think that is where the danger lies, but does feed with chemical fertilizers. We found that one of our other favs, though, grows everything she sells and does so organically. She said that not wanting chemicals in the foods she was feeding her kids and grandkids is how she started farming in the first place. We bought extra from her and will continue to do so.

I was amazed at how hard it was for me to ask people these questions. Somehow I've let myself become the kind of consumer who feels the sales person is doing me a favor by letting me buy their stuff. How did that happen? Especially in the current economy, I should feel as if I have some power and especially when it comes to what I'm putting in my body.

So, we're asking. We're voting with every dollar for the way we think it ought to be done. It feels like a Republican wing nut thing to do. They are always boycotting businesses and such they feel aren't doing things "right." We're reverse boycotting. We are simply putting our dollars in places that will support a shift that we feel is more than right. We feel it is imperative.

A response...

2010-06-16T06:48:00.000-07:00

This was a response I wrote in a thread about gay rights, the Mormon Church, and such things that was happening on facebook. I thought it might be well-shared here.

"I don't hate the Mormons, as I said. The organization, though, is hate mongering. That's all I'm saying.

The purpose of this very nation is to protect the rights of the proverbial "10%." It was founded because the minority was being persecuted and so that minority found a new home. They set in place promises, via the Bill of Rights, to keep everyone equal and to not allow the majority to oppress the minority. They did not put in place a document that said "all men are created equal except..."

What the Mormon Church paid for was a change in a state constitution that took away a right instead of guaranteeing one. There are over 1100 legal rights in just Indiana afforded to heterosexuals through the right to marry that are not afforded to Frank and I. When segregation was finally ended, it was not because people of color were finally no longer a minority, it was because the majority of the majority finally woke up to what was right. That is what we hope and pray for in this new civil rights movement.

To everything there IS a season. The season for my freedom being guaranteed is coming. I hope that those who oppose my freedom don't kill me before it comes. That is my greatest fear. The people who are taught to hate are also those who are taught that gun owners are citizens and those who don't own guns are subjects. They have killed gay, lesbian, bi, and trans people all over this country because of their hate. They have traveled to Africa to push into place laws that make homosexuality illegal and gay people are being jailed. The man who started that movement, a white American, said he went there because it was easier to convince them due to less social opposition. That's how he's loving Jesus?

I don't hate. Sadly, I fear. I fear that not only will my freedoms be limited, but that my life will be shortened because someone's right to hate and to cull sinners is more protected than my right to love equally."

Subtle Activism

2010-03-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Frank and I have been dating since we met on June 20th of last year. We moved in together in December. It was fast, I know. I still don't feel any less sure about the decision, though, and that is a great feeling.

Last week I was driving and noticed a rainbow pride sticker on a car I was behind. When I was in my twenties, a pride sticker was a very important prop for my life. I had one on my car and had them stuck on sundry items throughout the house. It was my activism at the time.

In my late twenties and into my thirties, I transitioned to the HRC sticker. It's a more subtle show of solidarity and it implies that I've made some financial donation to the leading or at least most advertised source of organized activism for the lgbt community. I don't have one on my car now. There is one left on my hard-shell backpack, however, but it has left the house about 5 times since we moved into the new place.

What I've realized in thinking about this new lack of need for a sign is that my greatest and yet most subtle activism is this relationship. Suddenly my life is just an example of what I want instead of a sign telling you. It's like good literature. The details that are most important aren't being spelled out by me as the author of this story. The details take care of themselves through the gentle touches at a favorite dinner spot or in the good-bye kiss we share just inside the front door or at our cars in the driveway every time we leave for separate destinations.

It feels like a settling into something. Living a life I had before only been talking about has been the key to a sense of abiding I had never before experienced. I feel as if I must, much to my chagrin, accept that being in a relationship is more than I would have admitted in the past. Beyond this, I think that getting older, while I was always pretty bright, really has polished off some of the rough edges and really allowed parts of me to shine that I didn't know were there.

I am very excited to continue just living my life as it is. No banners. No fancy stickers. Just a simple life with Frank that reminds me and others that our life and relationship are just as valid as any. It's the best thing I've ever done.

HHDL

2010-02-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

This event will be ASL interpreted and at at amazing price!

Public Talk entitled, "Facing Challenges with Compassion and Wisdom"
Location: Indianapolis, Conseco Field House
Further information: www.indianabuddhist.org or www.tmbcc.net

Just another day...

2009-12-31T05:47:00.000-08:00

I have never been very good at New Year's resolutions. A number of years ago I just stopped making them all together because it just seemed like setting myself up for failure. While I'm still not crazy about the way we set them sometimes, I do think taking time to reflect and plan is important and why not now.

As I engage this process in my own life in a mostly silent way, I am also aware that I am called to encourage it in others. That unfolds as it unfolds and I enjoy the experiencing of it. What I have been seeing a lot this year is this trend of people seeming really angry about the recounting of the last year and decade by the media and by other folks. There is this ongoing rhetoric on facebook and Twitter driving home a point that, to me, is just odd. "It's just another day. Nothing special."

I think that could be said of everyday of our lives. On the other hand, we could also see that every day of our existence is sacred simply because we are living it. We are moving forward at the best pace and in the best way that we know how. While the date of December 31st is somewhat arbitrary in its designation as the end date of our annual cycle, there is no culture that doesn't mark the passage of time with some kind of ritual. The important thing is remembering where we have been, setting goals for where we are going, and being realistic about where we are.

Part of my plan for the future is not allowing any day to be "just another day." I don't know how many I have left. I could die today. Knowing this, how could any day be anything other than amazing.

Happy New Year.

Zen?

2009-10-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me this...

...do you know anything about the concept of Satori?

It's a Zen Buddhist mode of awareness...

...a "flash" of awareness...sudden realization.

I responded...

It's a word I know... but I haven't thought of it or read of it for a while... It is roughly translated as enlightenment.

I will speak only from my current understanding right now... it isn't probably going to be as Zen as it is going to be just me.

In A Course in Miracles the term miracle can mean simply to understand something in a new way.

From The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, I remember a bit about the importance of being able to change one's perspective about something long held as truth.

Related to healing, I will quote myself from about 10 years ago.

The true role of the healer is not to cure but to help a person redefine what it means to be healthy. The person must change what they understand about dis-ease and find a way to move forward in a paradigm of their own making.

So, to me, it's not only about bringing light to a situation but to bring it in a new way or from a new angle.

The light has been there all along. How am I able to redirect it so that the shadow concealing my wellness is removed?

Satori describes the moment that the shift happens. It is the state of directing the light always present to me and to others just right so that clarity is the result.

That is wellness.

Him...

Nice. I like how you put it.

Me...

Thank you for asking. It is good for me to think in this direction right now. :)

Him...

Any images come to mind when thinking about it...?

...the concept of it?

or colors?

Me...

There is this story that I heard a long time ago and so the details are lost to me but... as a boy, this man found part of a mirror and he polished the edges until it was a smooth, round mirror. For some reason...

he kept it into his adulthood in his wallet. He is someone famous, who I can't recall, and his work was that of a humanitarian... of one who brings aid.

At any rate, he was on a bus one day riding through some lands foreign to him to do his work and he was fidgeting with that mirror, reflecting sunlight streaming through the windows such that it shone under the seats.

Suddenly he realized that had been his life all along. He was simply there to shine that Light into the places it couldn't get on its own.

That is the image that comes to mind.

Him again...

beautiful.

that is very helpful

Harness the Wind

2009-10-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Frank and I drove to Chicago and when we were driving by the wind farm in Northern Indiana I thought those tremendous, turning turbines seemed to me the most peaceful things in the world. I felt like everything was quiet as I looked at them even though nothing had changed.

Tonight Frank and I drove back from Chicago and when we were driving we saw a vast area of land that went on for a very long time with red lights that flashed in unison. It was the wind farm at night. It was mesmerizing. It seemed to be timed with the music we were listening to. The song, unbeknown to us at the time because it was on my shuffle, was "Shine On" by ATB. It was beautiful and it made the quiet just like the first time.

Investments

2009-09-24T10:21:00.001-07:00

Since I started dating Frank I've continued working on weight-loss through diet and have added CrossFit to my world. It's not the most natural thing for me. I have put plenty of thought, as you might expect, into ferreting out why that is. Part of the reason I feel like it's important to know why it's not in my nature to do something is so that I can build a good case for shifting behaviors.

What I've come to is that my familial culture was not one of investing in health. I happen to come from a people who are somehow relatively healthy early in life but who don't put work into staying that way. My Dad's side of the family seems to stay healthy for a pretty long time except that he had a heart attack in his early 50's. The rest of his family, as far as I know, seem to do pretty well into their 70's and 80's when they get cancer or suffer from heart disease. That's just how it's been. Pretty strong teeth too, I might add... something I obsess about. My Mom's family is similar except that things fall apart a little earlier with diabetes and heart disease. I have always accepted that you lose your health when you get old. I actually thought all old people had their teeth pulled and got false teeth when they got to some certain age and was fairly terrified at how much that must hurt!

Because of this, I used to always say I just didn't want to get old. A few years ago I heard myself saying this and suddenly realized a couple of things. First was the fact that I was going to die young if I kept saying I didn't want to get old. It's just how it works, right? Self-fulfilling prophecy. Secondly, I realized it just wasn't true. It wasn't that I didn't want to be old. In actuality, there was just a certain kind of old I didn't want to be. Realizing that, there was suddenly this plan emerging that would include me doing the things that I could do, within my control, to invest in a healthy old age.

With that in mind and coupled with my realization that my ability to do karate had turned to utter shit with the addition of extra weight, I started dieting, met Frank, continued dieting, and started CrossFit. I will not tell you that I enjoy CrossFit. I'm fighting against a culture that taught me it was normal to fall apart and to not exercise. My people do not exercise. CrossFit is the hardest exercise I have ever done. If it weren't for the constant improvement I see, I would probably have stopped already. My family doesn't, save for a small group of exceptions, consistently use mindful decision making as a basis for nutritional intake. My people are smokers and tv-watchers. I love these people and I recognize that doing what they do will lead me to exactly the state I don't want to be in.

Is my decision to continually beat up my body and not eat cake based solely upon my commitment to aging gracefully? Hell no! I want to be hot! I want to look good naked. I want to be better at karate and, by extension, better at teaching karate. I want to be stronger and faster and did I mention hot? Regardless, the pure intentions and the less than pure intentions are succeeding so far in keeping me at it. It is making it possible for me to balance body, mind and spiritual matters as well. I attach a lot more to my body than I should. It is difficult at times. Doing things to make my body more functional helps with those issues.

Investments... The best one I have going right now is my decision to not passively watch my body turn to shit. I'm happy about it. Thanks, Frank. Thanks, CrossFit. Thanks, Darren. :)

---------------

"Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care." ~Buddha

Amazing Animation!

2009-09-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

Recognition

2009-09-20T17:26:00.001-07:00

I have noticed lately that I'm becoming more and more like my parents. There was a time that this would have petrified me into agoraphobic tendencies. As it is, I'm adult enough to recognize not only that I could have done a lot worse with parents but that in most ways, I was actually very lucky. With that as a frame of reference, noticing their proclivities as being my own isn't so bad.

I think I can trace my wanting to grow food and the like to my Dad. My Mom taught me my way around the kitchen. They taught me to look at kids who are playing with something and say, "Don't break that," as if the kids' are plotting the destruction of that which they control. They probably aren't.

When I was a kid, my Mom seemed to me to be waiting on my father hand and foot and I promised myself that I would never make anyone do that for me. It was early enough in my life that I didn't have a model for what my own family would look like and I thought this was just some husband and wife pattern that I wouldn't repeat.

While Frank is more than willing to cook, I happen to like my cooking better than his and he seems pretty fond of my wicked-mad-dinner-cooking skills. One of the things my Mom always did that made me bugnutzcrazy was give my Dad the best piece of meat, the biggest serving of vegetables... he got the top picks even over what she served herself. It made me crazy and, I think, put a brick or two in the wall that stood between my Dad and I that we've only recently begun dismantling.

Lately I've realized while making dinner that I give Frank the bigger cut of meat and a larger portion of side dishes and if something's over-cooked or just not quite right, that's mine. It struck me all of a sudden that the reason my Mom always did these things was because she loved my Dad that much. I thought it was something he made her do somehow or that she felt she had to do for some reason other than that she just wanted to. Suddenly I realize that it's really the thing she wanted to do more than anything else just like it's what I want to do for Frank.

What I know is that putting all of this together has opened the door to my recognition of the kind of love I'm in. It is a love like my parents in the best ways that they have loved each other. It is a good thing and I'm very thankful to have experienced it. I am even more excited to see how it continues to unfold.

Thank you for giving.

2009-09-07T13:35:00.001-07:00

For my birthday gift to myself, I laid on my glasses and broke them. I went pretty quickly to the eye doc and got an updated Rx but wasn't able to pick new frames because I am picky as well the fact that I was grossed out by the cost of frames. As many know, what I did was ask for donations for my birthday. I thought it was a great idea. I thought that I would surely get more than enough to pay for the glasses, so my plan was to use part for glasses and the rest I was to loan through Kiva.org.

Between my 100+ friends on Twitter and 550+ friends on facebook the results were not what I expected, however, I still got more than enough to buy the glasses and to make some loans through Kiva. Some of the response to the asking was great and some was not what I thought. There was commentary by one person about the fact that I had asked for a birthday gift. What I asked for was $5 through paypal. I thought about this person's comment for a while and decided that I need to change a society in which asking for what one needs is not seen as acceptable. I was simply asking someone for their Starbucks' money for one drink. Others thought it was a great idea and some gave well over the requested amount. It was a good experience.

As far as the glasses, I found the frames I wanted again and again but they were $500 and all I could think was how many people I could help with that much money. I couldn't do it. So I researched and measured and asked around and finally found a frame online that I liked and was the right size. I ordered, got my glasses back in a few weeks and they are pretty swell. I paid less than $65 for the glasses. They are so similar to the ones I was lusting over at the $500 price point that I am so happy I took the leap to buy online! I was gifted, minus the paypal fees, about $160 from friends. So, the $95 balance has been loaned out through Kiva.org and will continue to be re-loaned as often as it is paid back.

It's a pretty amazing world.

So, here are the glasses. Thanks for your help!

On becoming...

2009-08-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I blog about the same thing over and over. I guess that's life. Perhaps this time I will find a new angle.

I'm still working on imagining more clearly who I'm becoming. I am coming to the realization that owning a home has seemed like self-imprisonment to me for a long time. After several days of emotional upheaval because the friend who I rent from set loose the raper of all things green upon the house that is not mine but that I have called home, I realize that owning a home ties one to a place on some level but also offers the freedom to make long-term commitments. Chickens and gardens and bees make more sense in a place that I can call mine and a place that doesn't include asking permission to do what I want to do. I am already checking with a couple banks/credit unions to see if my self-employment is still a hindrance to getting a mortgage. If it is, I'm at a point to find some other way to get into a house with a big yard and space for fruit trees.

This is just one of the dreams for my becoming that is emerging/re-emerging. Piggybacking on my urge to reinvigorate my spiritual life and work as a teacher is my re-reading The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk. I'm remembering the call to study healing arts that I felt and followed more than a decade ago. A bit of massage training and certification as a Reiki Instructor were my answers to the call then. That opening up to spirituality is what lead me to ministerial training. I'm feeling drawn towards more, now. In the book there is this amazing blend of spirituality and science that is utilized for wellness. In moving towards sustainability through an urban homestead, I realize that I'm looking for ways to be more responsible for my own health in general. I also want to have more tools available to me that will help others find that space as well. I am not opposed in total to allopathic medicine. I do believe there are other ways. I do believe that no amount of health reform could replace the simple fact that we have a lot more power over our own wellness than we believe. I am open to finding the next best step in empowering myself to empower others. CrossFit with Frank has been a part of this awakening. The way we eat has been huge as well. It has been a great journey thus far and I am excited to keep growing alongside this person who has pushed me to ask new questions about what I'm capable of.

In the big picture, I know that I will be an eccentric guy with lots of answers and more questions who loves to bring a bag of fruits and veggies from my yard to folks who eat too much junk. I want to be the old, wise person in the neighborhood who you ask about the rash on your arm, the hurt feelings from a breakup, or what the best herbs are for a tisane to calm your nerves at the end of the day. It's what I have always wanted to be, I think. The Church Within and the training I received there to be an ordained minister taught me how to connect on a very deep level with people to approach spiritual work. Broad Ripple Martial Arts put me in my body in a way I'd never experienced so that I could be present in that way with others. CrossFit and the nutritional plan that go with it are helping me move forward in that direction. Now I want a broader set of solutions to offer folks and the confidence that comes with good training. I am remembering to be open to my intuition again. It is all connected... still.

No matter what happens in the world, we all just keep on becoming.

Boundary Living

2009-08-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

In my life, I have often been less than successful at integrating the many aspects of my Self that comprise my wholeness. The closest I feel I came to this for any length of time was during my seminary program when I was simultaneously training so hard in karate. I was faced with weekly assignments for my ministerial training as well as attending karate classes most days. It kept me well grounded in both and also kept, well, the body, mind, and spirit parts of what makes me this person fairly well intertwined. It was not something I did by design but it was a very good plan I was living.

In the years since ordination and my first black belt, I have shifted between these different focuses at different times and have felt it hard to keep them balanced. I am aware, now, that I need to make a more conscious effort to reintroduce the interdependence of my 'Selves' or risk losing some part of me that I hold as precious.

It's easy to focus on the body right now. I'm eating a very specific diet. I am working on getting into a regular workout plan with my boyfriend the trainer. It is easier to focus on my mind than it has been at some other times in my life. I have evidently gained some skill in watching my tendency toward habitual reaction to old triggers. That has been helpful in the relating with Frank. I have a daily mantra practice that is also working on my thinking. Spirituality, it would seem, would be easy as well. For me, though, spiritual practice isn't just about my recitations or going to church.

When I decided to become an ordained minister, survived three years of training for that, and then took vows and received the mantle of ordination, my spiritual practice became a quality of how I engage people. What I know is that it is very easy to not share that I'm a minister and enjoy the freedom with being seen as laity. I don't think that I am special or different because I'm a minister. That is not the point. The point is that other people expect me to be different or special and it feels like a constant battle to convince people that isn't true. I'm not even a Christian. That is a conversation I could live without having ever again. The other thing that it means is that my vows are easier to shift to the side.

These vows are also somewhat illusive. My instructor can't even tell me what they were because of a missing file. I sometimes wish for a printed list. As the recent class of ordained went through their own vows, I said yes inwardly to their promises for myself. I don't remember the words. Ego is involved two ways that I can identify here. The first is in obscuring the words from my memory. The second is by constantly nagging me that I need an external compass to know how to love people when, in fact, that is our most basic human function when we truly connect with each other.

Being so nicely nestled in a relationship makes it easy to want to turn completely towards that wonder and to turn my back on what's outside of it... what seems less safe or savory or comfortable. As it is, my boyfriend, my church, my Self, my friends... all are reminders that I vowed to myself and to others to engage life in a different way when I accepted that mantle. It was a very real thing that happened the day of ordination and my re-affirming those vows means doing my do, so to speak.

I don't know how this will unfold, exactly. I realize that it's easier to not engage woowoo things with Frank because he's a science guy and I can just not talk about things like Reiki and energy and intuition even though he constantly brings them up. I have developed hedging skills that would serve me well as a politician. I am really quite good at just acting like I don't hear questions.

I am now adding to my to-do list two workshops in 2010. I am working on curriculum and materials and they will be taught at The Church Within. Yvonne told me to. She's good at this game. This will be a spring board towards engaging my spiritual life in a way that I look forward to.

It is exciting to step off the boundary that I have perceived separating these 'parts' and diving into the vast ocean that is their inseparable reality.

Announcing...

2009-08-06T07:46:00.000-07:00

Click it! It gets bigger!!!