Queer (in) Life

Children of Srikandi and Berlinale

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 11:38:32 PST

On January 11th, I found out from our facebook page that our film is selected in Panorama Section of 62nd Berlin International Film Festival. I felt so many things at that moment. Excited, nervous, and concerned. It is definitely my first film ever and it will be screened for the first time in a such huge event. This is the huge process that I experienced together with the other eight queer women directors on how to raise our voices through audio visual medium. It started from a workshop where participants came and brainstorming their ideas to pick one of story that they want to share. Some stayed and some went because of dealing with personal issue and it meant that when the film finished, some of their friends, family will recognize about this. Those were the process where we are battling with ourselves. To encourage ourselves to let others know our story. It included me.

For me, this is a huge work where everybody has their own contribution so that this film become a collective art. I like that term. It was started from individual story but then it transformed into a collective art piece. I won't think that my individual film will be worthy if it is separated with other. This film shows the diverse voices of Indonesia queer women, in how queering ourselves and society - workplace, family stuff, passion and relationships, state and religious criticism.

To be selected in Berlinale is a big step for me. And absolutely a challenge. I will not be so worry to have the screening in Berlin, but the battle will be after Berlinale. We, as the team, will need to figure out about how we want to spread our voice to screen this film in Indonesia.. I think it will be another collaborative works between the 8 of us. I understand that there will be arguments, criticism among us both I think that those are the part that we have to deal with. To respect another opinion but be open with each other whenever there is a problem related to our team. I like the term anarchy that Geli ever shared it with me when we had our second workshop in Yogya. She liked us as a team because we can share power, not power over each other. We help each other to finish the film. I realized that during this process some of us learn that we couldn't establish a hierarchy since this is not a profitable film and we start this film based on our own recognition as queer women and put our solidarity under the Srikandi's figure. We empower each other during the process. And for me, I will not let the 8 of us just split after this premiere because Berlinale is not the end. This is just only beginning. We are creating discourse, we are living and contesting our subculture! It is not only a film, a product. It is a life archive. We have our modalities to bring this discourse to public, to many queer people, based on our background. I am so happy to be part of the team, to have diverse people that contribute and play their role in society.

I love the eight of us, with all of our characteristics (from the good and the worst!) and passion. I learn a lot from each of us - Imel, Oji, Eggie, Winnie, Stella, Hera, Afank. This film is dedicated for us. We have already became peer for each other. I love working with Geli and Laura, who share their ideas and become my mentor to learn the process of film making and friend to tell stories. The question is that now : Are we ready to contest with other subculture? To learn from other and to share with other. I do :)

Maguwoharjo, [02:30 am]

Ps. further about all films that will be announced in Panorama section can be viewed at 2012 Panorama Program. There will be 53 feature films: 18 in the main programme, 15 in Panorama Special and 20 in Panorama Dokumente.

Dear Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:21:19 PST

If there is no warm hugs or sweet smiles

If there is just only stiff laughs and gestures

If there is no word spoken during our meals time

It will be just fine

'Cause I know that he always put his trust in me

Maguwoharjo, [05:08 am]

I miss him so much in this early day

Bump!

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 02:34:15 PST

Recently, I love to hear songs about childhood.
I feel melt inside it
I wish I could cuddling like a baby
To be self-centered and selfish
I miss to hear when my dad could tell me again
About how I was born and grew up
I miss to experience like a little girl again
A spoiled one who doesn't care with what happen outside her

Could I have a break for a while?
To fantasize and imagine
That I am only just a little girl
Who is searching for her parents' warm hug

I wish...

Maguwoharjo, [5:29 pm]
*Weirdo feeling*

Yogyakarta, A Self-Shelter City

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:09:06 PST

Getting back to Yogyakarta is just like to get ready with all the activities that I have to deal it day by day. But those previous ten days was a really enjoyable time. I really felt home! It just like another recharge of energy after all the works, study, ideas and initiatives keep running inside my mind whenever I am in Yogyakarta.

It's just interesting for me to learn how I identify Yogyakarta. Yogyakarta is a self shelter city for me. I may not have many comfortable situations here but still it is a place where I can keep battling with myself. I feel so comfortable here since I can do my trial and error experiences, I can understand many perspectives, people, communities, organizations, allies and how they interact each other. Yogyakarta is also the place where I realize about the important thing to do voluntarism activities, improve my leadership, teach me how to communicate with diverse people, and to build my own vision.

It is not easy to build vision, even it is only in your head! You will battle with yourself - that could be the interesting point or even the tiring part! I remembered that I started to find my own comfort zone in Yogyakarta when realize that same sex sexual orientation is not a personal thing only. It's part of a system that has been excluded and prefer not to be mentioned since it will destroy the state stability and family norm. When I got here, I faced two situation; whether to learn this issue from health rights perspective or women perspective. The battle didn't end up only in my mind, but also into practical life. That I found out LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual) community but I felt that I wasn't there. I felt excluded because they talked about health issue, especially HIV/AIDS, and I felt that it wasn't my need! I did concern about it - I really learnt a lot about HIV/AIDS, but still as an individual, I didn't satisfy. Then I let myself to see from woman - feminist perspective. I felt that I matched with this since women strove for their identity equality so that they can gather accesses that tend to be enjoyed by male. I pushed myself to be brave to join any event and voluntarily become the part of team to learn about myself. Bump! It was terrific! I met inspiring Irshad Manji (a feminist moslem lesbian) and also adorable partner Victoria Rue and Kathryn Poethig. I felt a little bit illuminated. I thought that I could choose my issue now. I stood up for women's rights and then tried to specify what I really want to explore more -- started from my own worries and curiousity.

Living for about almost four year in Yogyakarta made me then realize that I just need to be more inclusive. The first time I came to Yogyakarta was with the willing that I could have peer group and friends who are also same like me, at least lesbian, bisexual and transgender friend to make me comfortable so that I don't feel alone. But then I realized that even amongst our peer, we may not always feel comfortable. Interest, conflicts could appear just because of certain project. I then learned again about friendship, about sisterhood. Sometimes the theory couldn't be as perfect as the daily life. I ever lost of hope about those conceptions and just felt like I was a stranger to the group that I previously felt attach to. I felt an optimism and sense of community again when I interacted with young people that have interest in interfaith area. It was another step for me to feel comfortable - not with the friends - but with the issue. It seemed like I found my track and maybe I could relate it with my sexual identity (a question that keeps running inside me when I realized that I was attracted with the same sex person for the first time). And I realized that I will meet totally different friends; heterosexual friends that I didn't sure what their reaction were when they knew that I was different with them. I decided to take the risk; maybe they will question, ask me with intonation or tone that made me feel uncomfortable or will humiliate me. I started to enjoy gathering with them. Some of them are still questioning my identity, other didn't feel bother or curious at all and also there were also few of them who were getting interested to speak about sexuality. This was just where I started to shape my vision with few of them who concerned, a few of them who didn't feel worry to have sexual jokes and also gave their commitment to work together with me to keep talking about this issue. This was my peer, my source of energy!

The more I learn, the more I don't know. Yogyakarta has given me so much understanding and learning process. To be a human being and to be an inclusive person. To understand my own layer of power relations and see how others may experience the same way, not just because the sexual identity issue. I feel attach with them, as a community. I always feel excited to know any young people from minor identity. I think that is my vision in my head. Call it a sense of minority, but I rather to say that it is the sense of humanity.

Now, I don't feel that I have to limit my box of queerness. I may limited it before to queer sexuality but now, I think that many people I work with and build friendship with are also queer. They are queering about things from their life experience. They queering about their social status, economic life, religion and faith, political view, the color of their skin, the chaotic society, intolerance people, corrupt government, injustice. And I am just one of them.

Maybe Yogyakarta is not really a home for me, I will not always feel comfortable to feel its dynamics, but it is a place that endorse me to always come out from my own comfort zone and then visualize my thoughts through activities that I do. I just love being here. I survive and learn what life is here. Exactly.

Maguwoharjo, [12:49 pm]
*Mingle between exhaustion and passion to experiencing life in Yogyakarta*

Where Are You Christmas?

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 20:58:41 PST

I am thinking of Christmas. The day that I used to think that I am not involved in. Not because I don't admit or accept it, but I am getting curious with this Christmas. An encouragement that I don't recognize it before. I am starting to see Christmas as a precious thing from how she sees herself as a person who always keep in touch with Jesus Christ (she calls him JC, with Dad as its prefix). I really don't know what she feels exactly when she communicates with him. I don't know either what exactly she figures out when she communicates with him. It's a knowledge or experience that I still can't understand since I am with her. I just only see her gestures and facial expression whenever she does that. She usually closes her eyes, holds both of her hands, and then smiles. A big smile that makes me understand one thing - an excited feeling that she experiences during her own time. At that time, I feel a distance between me and her but I don't feel such a stranger. She has her own world - her own space and time - and she lets me to know what's inside it. Unfortunately I don't understand what's in that and how the process goes in it but I feel a warm happy feeling when she brings me to her world.

I knew that it was nice to have a figure that what we call as god. I had been there. It was great to realize that there is something that covers me whenever I feel weak, discourage or sad. It's just like there is someone who gives me a blanket when I feel cold so that I can taste a warmth. Until I figure out that god is part of my self-projection whenever I can't handle my own desperate situation - I am afraid with my own fear, sadness and weakness. I then see god as an idea, not a figure. I start to believe in myself. That I can be strong or weak, sad or happy fear or brave. I am the decision of my own mood situation. I am the owner of my body and mind. Then when I get back to myself, I don't feel god. I feel silence within me. A moment when I take distance from myself and observe what I have done within the period of time that I wish to understand. It's just like watching my flashback film which I can rewind or pause whenever I still don't get it. The silence moment doesn't give me any warm feeling since I am the one who decide whether I want to have certain feeling or not, but I don't feel empty either. Silence reminds me to take some time to let me realize my own breath, the air that covers and surrounds me, or maybe to feel my own body when I touch it. That's my world - my understanding.

I want to feel a glimpse of Christmas. I don't know what it would feel like. I would be excited to see her celebrating her Christmas. What she would say, think, and act about Christmas. I would like to catch her understanding in how she feels about it. I am eager to know!

I suddenly feel like the grouchy Grinch or Jack Skellington. A stranger who wants to feel Christmas. Do I have my own glimpse of Christmas? It's just another queer feeling that I want to experience.

So, where are you Christmas? I don't know. I don't have any answer or explanation about it. I even don't recognize Christmas within my faith. But if you ask me, where my christmas is, I perhaps will know it. I will see and found my glimpse of christmas through her. I don't know yet how it feels and what it will look like. I am just ready to taste and understand it. I wish to taste its joyful, if I could :)

Have a (queer) Christmas all! :D

Maguwoharjo, [11:30 am]
*will be home for christmas, soon*

Her Glimpse through Him

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 02:42:48 PST

What should be a dedication song in Mom's day? I suddenly remind some songs that could relate me to her. I just need to go back to the day that I decided to move out from a place that I used to call home cause it didn't taste like that anymore. Since I realized that I was just a kid that should nod whatever she asked me to but when I found out my courage to say what's bothering me, she thought that I was against her. She didn't think that I was just expressing my opinions and thoughts. She turned my respect into a numb feeling. I couldn't feel anything when she hugged me at the time that I came back. I saw stranger in front of me. What I knew that I had bond with her since I was come from her womb and sucked her blood. She inherited some of her personalities to me - stubborn and selfish. "She is just like my mirror," that was what my sister said to me in an email that she wrote before I decided to come back.

I suddenly remembered those songs that accompanied me during my travel time when I decided to go out from a place that I used to call home. All that ran in my mind at that time was that I had lost it and felt awkward when I should say it. The distance had been so far and I couldn't recognize its sense anymore. I couldn't be a perfect daughter. It was not Dad, it was you Mom.

The more I got far from her, the more I understand that I should collect my own energy and power to raise. It was just hurdle and unstable moment for me. I didn't have anything unless a rebel emotion filled inside. An angry and sad feeling that mixed up. I should accept that I had decided to no be at home anymore and had to depend on myself. It was just a thing that I had to bargain to get that chance : to be heard by her. But at least, from that moment, the future was up to me. I was now the owner of my life. It was in my hand, not her.

I remember her now though not so well. It's not from my moments with her, those things are not playing in my memories. I remember her through a man who always dedicate his passion and energy for her. I could remind her whenever I touch his hand, hear his voice or just stare at his old eyes. He keeps moving forward his life with her as his primary energy. He has incredible memory that plays their moments. I see her clearly from him. That's the reason that I put my respect on her.

In this Mom's day, I want to dedicate this for him, not her. For every single patient to listen to her and me. For every single encouragement that he gives me. For every trust he puts on me. For every understanding he shares me so that I don't feel such a stranger anymore. For every ordinary love he spreads me so I could be at home again. I miss and love him.

Happy Mom's day!

*A home recognition*
Maguwoharjo, [5:35 pm]

Hand in Hand for Sure

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 01:30:05 PST

I just count how many days that we've spent together. It's still not quite long, but I feel that we have been together for a very long time, say it years. It has been four months and almost three weeks and I think that I learn so much from this relationship. It's not just a kind of feeling home that I experience, but it's also a sense of togetherness although we are still in a distance - a visualization of those of affections, the details of gestures and facial expressions that I can capture within my memories. It is also about a spirit of struggle. I actually don't expect that she will just let herself to be involved in my ideal to challenge this heteronormative system, but she said it firmly that she'll be the part of it. It's just not a sense of sexual intimacy that she pursue towards me. She wants to be my lifetime partner. She's just so sure with it.

I just always miss and feel so secure whenever I let myself cuddle her like a baby. It's just a warmest moment that could make me don't want to let it go. We don't have a very long physical moments together but I never feel that she is in a distance from me whenever I can't see and touch her. I love such of this intimacy. The orgasm can just appear although she's not with me.

It is also about the way we communicate. I will never bother to say my own feeling and thought although it may be different to her. We always have our way out to deal with our own problem. We let ourselves to solve our own problems but it doesn't mean that we leave each other and don't care. There are just several or some things we can't tackle it together - it's a totally self-involvement through self effort. And at that time, each of us will just let ourselves to face it, and let other to be right there to accompany. I always can feel that she grab my spirit back whenever I feel tired and weary. I just can find my energy through her.

It is about the dialectical thing that I learn and have it in process with her whenever it comes to conception of god. It's a glimpse of understanding each of us and also an open space to be critical to each other. She can show me how god has contributed so much in her life. She can show me its existence from how she do her daily activities. I feel a queer excited feeling when she puts me into her prayer while holding my hands tight. It's not like an intimidation for such a person like me who only believe silence as my own faith. I let her involving me in her faith ornamentation. I feel 'blessed'.

I figure out those moments when she tries her best effort to make me smile and laugh when I my mood was down. She always know how to raise it. She never blame my grumpy expression that I show her even in our celebration. She always remind me about the details of moments that we've been through during our together time.

It's a dream that I start to manage within myself. A little dream with her. To have a life journey and its adventurous time. To deal with others and also us - as partner or self. To understand our levels and position. To wait for each other if one of us need some rest, to slow down our walk if one of us thinks that it's too fast. To speak each other when things are burdening our mind. I feel the real me when I am with her - no matter how far or close the distance is. Cause I always know so certain that we'll keep this hands holding tight each other.

Whenever I get lost, stuck or sad, I just then spell my magic words and those moments will pops up and pumps my energy up. "Hand in hand for sure..." and I can suddenly feel relieved.

*For my lifetime partner, a love that I'm ready to built with*

Maguwoharjo, [3:52 am]
#A relieved feeling of missing you

It Has Been Two Years

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 03:03:39 PST

I've just realized that I has been two years since she left us. It has been two years since we have to help and understand situation that comes to us. It is when he says that he give the choice to me. He will not insist me anymore to do things that I don't like. It has been two years also since we really need to be independent and realize that we should struggle. It is also where I start to re-bound this relationship. I'm not sure how to describe it verbally to them but I know that I can show it to them - both of them.

The question is that do I mourn her after this two years? Do I miss her within this two years? Same feeling. I don't feel sad. I don't mourn her. I even forgot her date. I feel as if I never had her in my life before. I don't think of her whenever I feel weary. My mind is not stimulating memories of her whenever I see her picture. Have I lost her already? Or I even don't have the word "lost" for her?

If I had a question for her, it will be like this : "How is after-life time? What are you doing now?"

Have I forgotten her? Maybe not. At least I still think of you. I write about you now. I just want to say something if I could : "I'm sorry for not mourning you until this moment and I don't feel guilty or worry of not mourning you. Be safe."

*confuse but conscious*

Maguwoharjo, [5:56 pm]

Feeling

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 02:21:58 PST

Silence brings me into my own moment

Capture the mind glimpse

Let me travel to its edge

Don't have a best price to give

It's only a common text to say that I am just fine

'Cause I realize life's not easy for him

Just wonder that I could gather and give my best gesture

To let him know that I miss him

Maguwoharjo, [5:11 pm]

(Queer) Peace for All!

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:19:10 PST

What’s your definition of peace and how young people can contribute into peace process?

That’s what becomes the main issue discussed in 5-days training on International Youth Peace Ambassador workshop in Penang, Malaysia from 28 November – 1 December 2011. This was the 3^rd workshop that conducted by Regional Unit in Social and Human Sciences for Asia and the Pacific (UNESCO Bangkok) collaborated with several universities in Malaysia to gather young people from all over the world to share their vision and action plans on how to build peace in their countries. It is due to International Year of Youth that UN has declared on August 12, 2010 that it is important to disseminate among young people to disseminate the ideal of peace, respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms, solidarity and dedication to the objectives of progress and development.

Peace has diverse meaning. Many issues could be related to peace but mostly it centered to some points, such as biocentric, anthropocentric or ecocentric. UN has given the definition of peace in the Declaration on a Culture of Peace: “Peace not only is the absence of conflict, but also requires a positive, dynamic participatory process where dialogue is encouraged and conflicts are solved in a spirit of mutual understanding and cooperation”. In the workshop, there are some panelist that explain their idea on peace from different angle, such as using animal symbol to maintain peace, including to protect animal rights from human destructive behavior, breaking gender myth on peace, bringing peace into state constitution, considering peace with the refugee, building peace within the war-torn areas, using dialogic-artistic art to engage peace and also how to build peace curriculum in academic institution.

It goes then on how young people can do something for peace. There are about a hundred of young people who share their ideas on peace. I am one of those lucky young people who can attend that workshop and share my vision on peace with a support from British Council. I met another wonderful six Globalchangemakers in the workshop that inspires me more to keep doing youth activism in my country. From political tolerance among youth in Sierra Leone, youth educational and economic empowerment in Kenya, using art as peace campaign to bring the diverse identity in Zimbabwe, encourage young people to create a better impact within their community in their passionate youth age through “When I was 20” campaign, to building initiative for a cross cultural understanding between young Palestinians and Israelian.

(Left to right: May from Israel, Katherine from British Council, Gilmore from Zimbabwe, Bernard from Sierra Leone, Zee Tong from Malaysia, Dwight from Philippine, Yulia from Indonesia, Eddie from Kenya)

Peace for non-consider Indonesia citizen

I define peace as a condition where people can break their stereotypes among each other due to their diverse identity. Indonesia has been considered as multicultural country because of its diverse people, such as religion and ethnicity. On the other hand, for me, it hasn’t been so diverse enough to accept different people due to their sexuality and faith. In Indonesia, there are only six religions that are recognized. All citizen has to mention their religion as part of their identification as citizen. The problem occurs with people who don’t define themselves into those mainstream religions and beliefs. It then raised tension to Ahmadiyah, Syiah, Baha’I people that situated a harsh time when they want to meet and gather. The Cikeusik tragedy that happened to Ahmadiyah people showed how they couldn’t get their own freedom just because of their religious identity that was differ and unrecognized by the state. The similar thing also happens to LGBTI (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender/Transsexual and Intersex) people who are rejected as citizen in Indonesia. There were some cancellations of LGBTI events by certain mass group organization that claiming themselves as religious in 2010, from conference, movie screening, until cultural performances in public space. Those events were considered as a way to spread a “western” culture and immoral behavior that against religious code since homosexuality is condemned by religion.

It is where I start to conceptualize peace. There will be no peace if there is no celebration of diverse human being, whatever their sexuality and faith is. This is what the state – it means also education, health, law system and religious institution – has just missed to mention. That’s what I want to pursue. To create space where young people from diverse sexuality and faith can gather and have dialogue, to realize a simple thing; that no one should be treated differently just because of his/her differences.

Young Queer Faith and Sexuality Camp

How can I create peace then? I believe that stereotype come because people just follow what is been told by the society and state without trying to start communication with those prejudiced groups, or because they think that those groups are not exist. That’s why I plan to create a camp for young people to bring all of those groups together and interact, to understand each other and in some points, to see the intersection that may exist amongst each group. It comes from how they perceive themselves to a certain identity and then understand themselves that they actually have multiple identities which has different layer of power-relation pyramids. It could be citizen vs. non-citizen, religious vs. non-religious, female vs. male, heterosexual vs. homosexual, western part of Indonesia vs. eastern part of Indonesia, poor vs. rich, students vs. non-students, etc.

Another thing is that, I hope that in this camp, there will be a discussion on homosexuality and trangenderism within the religious community since in Indonesia there has been attempt from religious figures, such as Musdah Mulia, Stephen Suleeman, Ester Mariani to deconstruct Sodom and Gommorrah texts that are often used to condemn non-heterosexual practices.

Feedback and Response: “This is not considered as peace plan”

Even in this peace workshop, some participants think that my plan is not consider as peace work since homosexuality is against religion so that it doesn’t preserve the culture of peace. That’s why I would like to challenge. How diverse the meaning of peace actually? If there has already progress to consider animal-human relation, women involvement in peace process, why we don’t also consider LGBTI as part of peace work? What is the difference when Martin Luther King showed his passion to strive for justice and equality for all people in the world: the American Negro, Hispanics, Arabs, Jews, black or white, compared to mention LGBTI people as also part of human being?

At this point, a precious lesson learnt is gathered. Non-heterosexual identities are still captured as a threat to religious teaching, or even religious institution and state since the mind construction of most people are limited into a procreative sexual relation as a way to preserve human being; the religious followers and nation. But then my question is, should the non-procreative individuals are out from humanity-treat-list? How does religion be responsible with its commitment as a way to bless all of human being in this context? Will the religious communities spread the peace messages that are written in their scriptures while closing their eyes, ears and heart knowing that homosexuals keep searching on how to be accepted as people who also have faith?

I will just continue what I have already planned since I can’t reject the realities that I have many neighbors and friends who are heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, transgenders, Ahmadiyah, Baha’i, Syiah, or just believe in themselves. I just have a little dream inside – that a young LGBT won’t be doubt to gather with their peer-faith group, a young Ahmadiyah and Syiah won’t be doubt to celebrate their religious day with their Sunni fellows, and where young people can be proud with their multiple identities and work together to celebrate their diversity in their society – from themselves, siblings, friends, to older generation; their parents, teachers, even religious and state leaders.I know I am not the only dreamer in this workshop since I have met young people who also want bring peace by bridging stereotypes and prejudices between groups of different identities.

I met Vanitha and Daasaratan, an Indian Malaysian who plan to hold “Aku Bangsa Malaysia” workshop to break the stereotypes amongst ethnic groups in Malaysia – the Malay, Chinese and Indian. Daasaratan told me about the situation that faced by LGBT people in Malaysia since there was also cancellation of film screening conducted by Seksualiti Merdeka in Kualalumpur.

I also met May, an Israel passionate girl, who believe that she can bridge the Arab and Jew gap by letting each other to stay in their home for several days and interact with their families. She told me about a place in Israel where many of people can come regardless their faith to keep silence to reflect since silence is a common language for all people.

It is just so great to know that there are also young people who experience the similar things – to speak up the phenomenon that tends to be considered has already maintained in the policy (or even hasn’t been mentioned) but the discrimination effect still live in within the culture and daily life.

I end this with my own song that I sang in cultural performance of the Youth Peace Ambassador workshop. Just to share to young people that there is also other person beside you that you perhaps don’t realize or never thought about it but actually they are exist and also want the same thing as you – (queer) peace.

Outside You

Can you push the world to be the same when the rainbow raises in colorful light?

Can you make people think what you think when you’re still settle in and close your safety life box?

Will you then violate everyone who don’t agree or argue your belief?

Or will judge someone is immoral when she or he is not a heterosexual?

Don’t you think that we live in diversity, different culture and history?

Keep alive the humanity, treat others like we treat ourselves

Have you ever imagined when you get power then you make yourself as majority?

Don’t care how people suffer and tired to be stereotyped cause of your policy?

Monologue

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:33:23 PDT

I always know for sure that I am the owner of my feeling and mind.
I do realize that I can count on myself
I believe how precious my mind is, I just can't get enough to adore it
It's the source of strength and another way to feel better when the insecurity come
It's the process that I can always depend on to explore and aware - for any kind of thoughts or feelings that suddenly coup myself
I feel it.
A tremendous sensation
Another orgasm
My own primary releasing
Won't let other come in
Cause I am possessive with it
Me and my own silence -- an unheard whisper that can complete me
A queer melody that satisfy my spirit
It's like I am dancing without any song but feel so confident to do it
My own silence that can absorb all of my emotion and make it empty -- not numb, but happy
The silence that can make me accept and also put critic on everything
The silence that gives me so much -- self criticism, both comfort and uncomfort zone, satisfaction and contentment
I do believe in it. Nothing else.
Cause I feel energy
I feel peace.
Within it.
That's why I am so faithful with it.
The silence.

*Sheltered* -- 08:30 am
#me and my silence intimate moment#
September, 13th 2011

Inter-Identity Dialogue – Another Passion of Globalchangemaker

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 02:00:19 PDT

Being one of the person who is chosen to participate in Globalchangemaker Asia Youth Summit encourages me more to be consistent and passionate with I am doing now in Indonesia. I met almost fifty young people in this Summit wih their activism in youth sector in many different issues, varies from environment, human rights, education, poverty, and also social bussiness. In the Summit, I am the only participant who brought different issue – on how to dialogue faith and sexuality amongst young people. This issue has been my concern for almost one and a half year. This is the way that I do on how to put inter-identity dialogue (especially related to sexuality and faith) into multicultural discourse since what has already become a common thing in Indonesia is just only related to interfaith or inter-religious dialogue, or inter-cultural dialogue – with the assumption that Indonesia consists of different people based on sex, ethnicity, religion, and social status. In this context, the diversity of sexual orientation and gender identity seems not to be discussed – in other word that it’s doesn’t exist. That’s why I would like to start this dialogue from young people to bridge the gap and be critical with their own identity so that the violences – both verbal and non-verbal – that may occur because of it can be eliminated.

The most thing that I learnt from this summit was on how to sell and market our ideas. Those are two things that I didn’t do optimumly during my work. The 30 second pitch session made realize that doing activism was just similar like you do your bussiness. You need to workplan, teamwork, and marketing strategies. I didn’t ellaborate well the last thing. Also, in doing fundraising. I have never thought before to apply fund to any companies and government, regarding with my issue. What I did was to collect fund or other supporting things (e.g venue) from individuals and non-governmental organization that also has similar concern with my work. During my experiences to do fundraising, I don’t need to do formal presentation in front of them since I use to meet and interact with them in during network’s meeting – that used to be informal. In short, in doing my activism, I really collect the resources from civil society organizations more than government and companies.

During the summit, I met participants from Myanmar. Zin Miko and Dau Ze. They are passionate youth who really want to make change within their country. They explain about their work although it is hard to deal with the system in their country. Zin told me about her activity to give public health to people from lower economic class by providing a small place where they can do the regular check up. Zin also accompany them to get access to the hospital so that they didn’t have to pay so much cost. Dau Ze told me about his activity to educate young people from lower economic class while their parents still think that education is not really worthy. That’s why Dau Ze has to lobby parents so that they allow their children to study. He also has to deal with economy problems since some parents also ask their children to also help them to fullfill their daily needs. Besides telling their activities, they also shared about the situation of young people there. It was not easy for young people to gather. “Even in the street, when there are people who walked together, there will be someone who asks about what we are doing.” He also explain about how human right issue becomes so sensitive in Myanmar. “If you bring book with the tittle of ‘human right’ in Burmese language, you will be interrogated. But not in English language. I have my one of my friend get into the prison because of that.” Their stories and activism encourage me a lot to be persistent with what I am doing now so far. I feel the same burden although not in the same context. Indonesia has already passed the dictactorship era and after that, another struggle begins. To contest and deconstruct the system. Related to what I do, I am also on my way to contest the state that put the heteronormative paradigm in making and implementing policies, from Marriage Act that only put heterosexual couple to Pornography Law that put homosexual as part of pornography content. Besides, cultural (and religious) norms itself that put the idea of procreative-nuclear-family and excluded other options and how the religious institution use its power to to spread the hate-speech and intolerance to people with different sexual orientation and gender identity.

I understand that my work relating to faith and sexuality issue will be new or rare issues that young people usually get involved but I think most of us who attend this summit, I bet have already got mind-set about how to live in multicultural and diverse society since we will meet many young people from various background, cultures, thoughts with different passions and dreams based on what they face in their surrounding. As the consequence, we will open for any possibility of certain issue that may raise based on its context. It’s just unfortunate for me that I talked to one of person, whom I knew after that he had done great initiative for his cause. He asks about my work and I explain that I work with LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender/Transsexual) group and also young faith group. He is a little bit shock when I said that I worked with LGBT group and then asked about how their lifestyle is and how come I can worked with them. I felt a little pissed off at that time because he said it with mocking gesture and synical smile at me. Then I briefly say that I work with them because I am also part of community. I saw his face was a little bit confuse. Then I replied his confusing expression by saying that I am lesbian and I am part of the community. He was shocked untill I asked him whether he ever has LGBT friends or not before. He said no. Then I directly give my hand to him and shake his hand and said and smiled, “Well, it’s so nice to your first lesbian friend!”. He laughed but I knew that he was still shocked. Then he said to something that made me feel bad and quite upset. He said that there is no LGBT in his country. I briefly countered what he had already said by saying that there was an NGO that made compilation about LGBT activism in Asia, and it includes his country but I thought he didn’t believe it. Soon, he said goodbye to me and that was the end of our conversation. I felt upset at that time, but at the other side, I got so sure that I have to bring this issue amongst young people, not only in my country, but also other young people from other countries in Asia so that young people will see it as an issue that have to be accommodated and struggled.

Last but not least, after this summit, I am going to hold youth camp. I have already got the name for this camp. It is called Indonesia Young Queer Faith and Sexuality Camp. In that camp, I will let 30 young LGBT people and 30 young people from faith communities to meet, interact, share experiences related to their sexuality and faith. The outcome that I expect is that there will be initiative that will be conducted together to spread the words of celebration of diverse sexuality and faith to more young people in Indonesia. I think that it will be a magnificent camp for young people to be critical with their own identity and break the streotypes and prejudices among each other. I plan to work with some NGOs that already has expertise in interfaith areas, and also try to approach people that have same concerns in other countries, especially due to queer theology discourse.

The 5-days experiences in Asia Youth Summit re-energize my passion to be always persistent with what I have done. I have a big hope that the next summit will consider the inter-identity dialogue or at least LGBT issue as one of the option that is listed in type of activism that young people do. Asia Youth Summit is the space to celebrate all of the diversity and that’s how the solidarity starts – from learning and listening others so that we can work hand in hand to build a better life.

*glimpse of AYS*
12:20 pm
August 9th, 2011

Bring You Home

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 01:24:32 PDT

When you're lost and there's no where to go
And your heart bears a heavy load

This is just the thing that I’ve never imagined

I used to see myself as a stranger – a person who always get thirsty to deconstruct the society for what it is now. It is just a mindboggling inside myself that encourages me always not to deal with this institutionalized system that grows now. Family, friends, people passing by, elite, or even god. I often feel that I am not fit in into norms and values boxes. That’s why I start to leave them and build my own. But I realize that it’s not an easy work. Each brick that I put to design my own box needs courage and make me sweaty. To design my own box makes me can suddenly feel that I want to get back to the previous box. To compromise and let myself to feel safe for a while. But I just don’t want. I don’t want to be others. I want to become my own self.

Don't give up cause you are not alone
Cause I am always here to bring you home

It is just amazing when people can find their way to go home. Home is the place where all things just look so familiar. It is the space where you can lay down and don’t see the whole manipulative faces. It is a shelter where you can be take your deepest breath and feel the air comfort your body so you won’t feel any anxiety or nervousness.

Those are that I missed. I mostly don’t have any idea about that. About the to go there. About the moments that I may experience. About the possibility that actually surrounds me but I don’t recognize.

You took a chance
You crossed the thin red line
And how every word can seem so unkind

I always feel so passionate to experience things in life. How people live their live, how to deal with situations that may bring them into threat, suffer, tears and how they find their own turning point to decide that they deserve to be happy and make their surrounding empower by their own passion to pursue happiness.

Identity is another passionate stuff for me. Everyone is dealing with this thing and sometimes how we define ourselves will not always be the same like how others wish to define ourselves. That’s where the contestation begin. Some do it by creating their own zone and put the exact border, some don’t. Some do it by establishing certain counter culture or let it interact and become mixed – the multi-identities. This is another stage for me then to be within the process since sometimes people are too familiar with the bipolar paradigm – the all structuralism thought. Black vs white, women vs men, angel vs devil. The consequence is that the in-between and continuum identity tend to be eliminated – not exist. The norm and value will call name them in various way and stages – different, abnormal, illicit, prohibited, criminalized. Suddenly, people, or perhaps myself as well inside, forget to capture the the process since life has already fullfilled with the mass-production way of thinking – with all its mechanical and standarized method. That’s where the indifferent starts I think, with all of the market-minded structure; where people can sell and buy anything, from food, clothes, jewelry, comfortness, happiness, including identity.

Don't believe you'll ever lose it all
Cause I am always here to bring you home

Have I ever lost all of that passion? It is definetely. Synical. Awkward. Pathetic. Outsider. Upset. Tired. Weakened. Marginalized. Dumped.

But then, I experienced my moment. The queer moment with its emotion inside that I can realize it very detail. It was just like a flash and suddenly I feel warm inside. I feel safe. I feel comfort. I feel that I can familiarize moments and situation. I find my way back home.

You'll make mistakes and hearts will break and tears will always fall
The world is turning and you are learning What matters most of all
That you are not alone

I feel ‘blessed’. Relieved. It’s just like a click that finally can bridge the gap within myself – the idea and praxis, mind and body. I finally feel and experience what I have already conceptualized in my mind. Through someone.

Now’s your time so go on be free

Dont hold back be all that you can be

If you fall you don’t fall alone

Cause I am always here to bring you home

It is like a new path that I take without taking away other paths that I have been through during my whole life. And this time, I am accompanied. And this is where I will start to decide together which track that we will step to move forward. Two people with their own herstory, context, experiences, feelings, characters, perception, dreams and passions who decide to travel together, enjoy the process, share intimacies, and be the home for each other. Perhaps will be too soon for the beginning, but that’s how it senses to me.

*Thanks for bringing me home*

Ps. Thanks to Ronan Keating who sings this song! :D [I wish!]

#Potrait of Our Life Essay

Cibadak, August 8th 2011

10:33 am

Unconditional Emotion

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 19:49:19 PDT

I have no voice in my blue
Cause I choke inside my fantasy
Of an unconditional emotion
that I've thought it would be

reflected from her smiles to me
or glimpse of intimate gestures that could be
but I guess I should realize
and wake up from my sleep

should I step back?
and let it slowly disappear from me
or should I hold on?
and let it go when she says so

I close my eyes to feel my
own darkness surrounds my silence
cause that's all I have it by now
without the unconditional emotion

*another song for her.. without guitar.. :)*

Cimanggis, Depok [21:51]
July, 29th 2011

A Wish

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:08:43 PDT

Can I just close my eyes when the distance is getting to far?
When memories hold me so tight, I sometimes think to let it fade away
I really wish that I was just only a conception
That there is no me
That I am invisible but live within people's memories
I wish that I could be like an energy that could transform to many size and sphere

I am the abstraction with no shape - only the content in which no one realize but grows in people's idea

*Within Self - a weirdo feeling*
01:13 am
July 7th 2011

My Day

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 10:57:34 PDT

It has always time to take a distance from people around me. An exclusion. A self that grows alone within people's experiences. That is the glimpse of my reflection. I have got what I really want during my growing year. I let my self to feel what people feel through their experiences. I become witness with their tears, laugh or other emotional expression that I've never tasted before. I learn from their courage and fear in dealing with the tough situation. I feel so blessed because of that.

I feel its interaction. To live my own life and also spend my energy and time with people and conception. It's just like I am between the praxis and theory. I can dive into the ocean of discourse and play with the whole abstract situation. It always makes me drunk. Figuring out about the idea of g/G/od or thinking about the other possibilities about queer sexuality. Letting myself to be really busy with the silence inside my head. It is not fearful, but sometimes cold inside. On the other hand, I face the unacceptance when a queer friend become very weak to find her spirit back because of the society that puts certain prejudice.

I never feel comfort until today with the word family or when my fellows call me as their sibling or sisters. It just sounds very weird to me. I become too much sceptical with words related to it. I am on my own but at the same time dedicate my time with people around me.

I feel apart and at the same time near. I enjoy the exploration. The process. I am through it and believe its powerful possibilities that may happen in between.

It's just my own melody in my space that I let myself to come in. The door is not closed so tight. Wish that one day some entities will open and come inside. I know I am growing. In this such intimate isolation of myself and my silence - a sphere where only few people may aware and get attracted. The rest is that, I should really open myself - become a person who can put trust on others. To believe the people's life process and become part of it.

I wish I could be more reflexive and be a good friend for others.

I don't have any candle to blow cause I am trying to light up a candle within my subconscious mind. I just need a little warmth during my journey so that I won't be so cold. It's a great thing to hear that people pray for me when I don't even know how to pray. I wish I could be more critical with myself and not easy to feel in my own safe zone. I wish I could push myself tougher during my life process. Who cares with what will happen at the end of my last breath if I can realize every interaction, senses, experiences, and memory that sculpture The Self inside me?

*during my birth-moment*

01:02 am
July 7th 2011

Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:14:09 PDT

It's just silence that accompanies whenever loneliness comes up
Fill the subconscious mind with its unique sense
And the self is crawling life through it
It's not becoming pathetic but more like a spirit
Should I claim it as god or any immaterial existence
I just rather to follow this silence
And let it lead somewhere
Or even nowhere

Come what it is
The silence that covers within me

*the idea of the divine*

Selokan Mataram, 01:20 am
Yogyakarta 16 June 2011

Multikulturalisme

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 10:56:46 PDT

Saya bertemu dengan seorang peneliti perempuan, dari Universitas Indonesia dan kini sedang menempuh doktoralnya di pusat studi di Perancis, yang ingin memahami tentang gerakan multikulturalisme di Jakarta dan Yogyakarta. Dia bercerita tentang rencananya untuk mengumpulkan orang-orang dari lembaga dan juga jaringan yang ada di Yogyakarta untuk melakukan refleksi bersama tentang bagaimana antar individu dan jaringan mempersepsikan berbagai kelompok yang ada ini sebagai kawan atau lawan. Saya diminta untuk datang dan ikut berbicara tentang bagaimana gerakan LGBT berkembang di Yogyakarta dan bagaimana kelompok LGBT mendapatkan dukungan, penerimaan, maupun respon yang kontras dari kelompok lain.

Sebenarnya workshop mengenai multikulturalisme pernah diadakan dan saya datang ketika itu untuk menyampaikan tentang bagaimana kelompok LGBT seharusnya juga menjadi bagian dari gerakan multikulturalisme. Namun, di akhir workshop, hanya sampai pada identifikasi permasalahan mengenai isu-isu multikulturalisme, sementara itu tidak ada follow up mengenai bagaimana membangun gerakan bersama di Yogyakarta terhadap berbagai isu kelompok yang minoritas secara akses publik.

"Untuk acara nanti, outputnya apa nih mbak? Jangan sampai ga ada follow up lagi seperti workshop yang pernah saya ikuti. Akhirnya, kembali lagi pada wacana. Ga ada aksi atau hal yang bisa dilakukan bersama.." ujar saya sedikit sinis dan pesimis dengan apa yang akan dilakukan ketika ingin mempertemukan berbagai individu dan jaringan di Yogyakarta ini. Tapi hal yang menarik bagi saya adalah ketika sang peneliti juga mengatakan bahwa nanti akan juga dihadirkan representasi dari kelompok yang dianggap sebagai kelompok 'garis keras' oleh gerakan multikultur ini. Karena selama ini, di Yogyakarta, dari tiap-tiap kelompok tersebut, baik dari kelompok yang dianggap 'garis keras' maupun yang bergerak di isu multikultur, belum bisa bertemu dalam forum bersama dan berhadapan satu dengan yang lainnya. Ini yang membuat saya menjadi bersemangat. Saya hanya sedang menggali kemungkinan, apakah memang dialog atau resolusi konflik bisa diupayakan antara dua kelompok yang selama ini tampak sangat berseberangan?

Saya pun mengiyakan pertemuan tersebut. Akan ada dua hal yang bisa dijadikan pertanyaan refleksi bersama. Pertama mengenai sejauh manakah gerakan multikultur yang ada di Yogyakarta ini menerima dan mendukung kelompok LGBT (pertanyaan bisa kemudian mengerucut menjadi; kelompok LGBT dengan kriteria seperti apa). Dan yang kedua adalah mengenai mungkinkah diupayakan sebuah ruang dimana siapapun, dari kelompok manapun, bisa menerima perbedaan tan mengkomunikasikan perbedaan tersebut tanpa stereotip, kebencian, terlebih kekerasan?

Pertanyaan yang lebih mendasar menurut saya adalah, apakah kita sedang berada dalam pemikiran yang strukturalis; yakni membiarkan diri kita berada pada kutub yang bersifat oposisi biner terhadap individu ataupun kelompok yang kita anggap sebagai 'garis keras'? Apa yang menjadi ukuran dalam mengidentifikasi self and other, aku dan kamu?

Komunikasi antar identitas menjadi hal yang favorit bagi saya. Karena bagi saya, wacana kuasa - yang melekat dalam tiap identitas - tidak melulu menghegemoni identitas lainnya dan lalu menggerusnya begitu saja. Wacana kuasa juga beroperasi dengan kelindannya sendiri, saling berinteraksi satu sama lain dan bisa memproduksi sebuah wacana baru.

Apakah ruang multikultural bisa menjadi salah satu alternatif pemecahan masalah bagi kelompok-kelompok yang selama ini tidak begitu diakomodir kesempatannya? Semoga.

*Mengingini ruang publik dimana berbagai identitas saling berinteraksi satu sama lain*

Selokan Mataram, Yogyakarta
01:00 am

16 Juni 2011

My Big Grin

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 09:33:48 PDT

Tonight. I feel secure. Cause I still feel that silence. And also those images and moving clips inside me. It's about her. Still. Never too much and too sudden. It's about realizing what I feel. Still. Inspiring. Kind of feeling. Warm and unconditional.

*Miss you Rhaps..*

Yogyakarta 23:40
11 Juni 2011

Stop Labelling People as Homosexual!

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sun, 22 May 2011 08:31:50 PDT

… Bahkan ketika kamu adalah seorang homoseksual, kamu tidak punya hak untuk mengklaim seseorang itu berkecenderungan homoseksual atau bukan…

Saya benar-benar kesal dengan orang yang dengan mudahnya mengatakan bahwa seseorang punya indikasi menjadi homoseksual, hanya karena ia sudah berinteraksi dengan komunitas lesbian dan gay. Bagi saya, tidak ada yang berhak untuk mengidentifikasi orientasi seksual atau identitas gender seseorang kecuali dia sendiri. Ini terjadi pada seorang teman dari Solo. Dia berencana mengadakan kegiatan bertema tentang homoseksual dan dia merasa sangat tidak nyaman ketika seorang lesbian yang seharusnya sudah paham tentang seksualitas dan bagaimana membangun gerakan, mengatakan bahwa dia punya tanda-tanda sebagai seorang lesbian.

“Aku bisa melihat dari sorot mata kamu, kalau kamu punya tanda-tanda itu…” itu yang membuat teman dari Solo tersebut benar-benar cemas dan membuatnya selama dua minggu tidak konsentrasi, hanya untuk memikirkan apakah dia seorang lesbian. Dan itu membuat dia menjadi homofobik. Dia berpikir bahwa semua lesbian selalu begitu – mengajak orang lain untuk menjadi bagian dari mereka.

Bagi saya, organisasi atau komunitas LGBT dibentuk bukan untuk menjadikan semua orang menjadi LGBT. Saya mengerti tentang teori yang mengatakan bahwa seksualitas itu cair. Bahwa semua orang bisa memiliki kecenderungan untuk heteroseksual maupun homoseksual, tapi itu bukan berarti dijadikan legitimasi untuk melabeli seseorang dengan identitas tertentu. BUkankah itu sama saja seperti mementahkan kembali usaha yang telah dibangun bersama untuk mengkritisi nilai-nilai heteronormativitas? Ketika sistem sosial dan politik mengarahkan semua orang agar ada pada label heteroseksual, kenapa pada saat yang sama juga ada oknum yang mengadopsi aturan hegemoni seperti itu; dengan mengarahkan seseorang pada label homoseksual?

Wacana homoseksualitas tidak akan pernah berhenti dan selama wacana tersebut terus bergulir, akan ada banyak kategori baru tentang homoseksual. Tidak akan ada satu kategori tunggal mengenai homoseksual. Homoseks kelas menengah atas atau menengah ke bawah? Homoseks yang religius atau tidak religius? Homoseks muda atau tua? Homoseks yang bekerja atau tidak bekerja? Homoseks yang bergerak di gerakan perjuangan identitas, akademisi/peneliti, berperan sebagai wartawan, pembuat film, penulis, pekerja seni, pemuka agama, kritikus sastra, politisi, pengacara, dll? Jadi, kenapa harus berpikiran sangat sempit dalam terma homoseksual sebagai oposisi biner dari heteroseksual?

Jadi, berhenti membuat stereotipe dengan tidak serta merta mengatakan bahwa dia mempunyai tanda-tanda atau adalah seorang homoseksual!

*sebal dengan efek pemikiran strukturalis*

Maguwoharjo, Yogyakarta

12:59 pm, 22 Mei 2011

A Glimpse of Romance

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sun, 22 May 2011 08:30:34 PDT

She left that morning. At that time, I miss her touch and every little detail of her. I felt that within entire of my body. As usual, I didn’t have many words to say. Not a good romance orator. But don’t know why, I felt so relieved. I even didn’t think that she has gone. She still stayed with me.

I still can visualize the moment when we interact through gestures. Yea, we didn’t speak so much on words. The way she laid on my shoulders, touched my hand, let me hold her, gave a meaning that she felt comfort with that. For me, there is nothing that suddenly happened. I realized for every gesture and attitude that I show to her. It was a way for me to express what I feel to her.

I became very embarrassed and really nervous when I wanted to show my own song for her. Well, yea… I felt my face was getting red all that time. I even couldn’t stare at her eyes. I did really want to behave such as a professional artist who dedicate the song to a person that she really falls in love with but… hum… what can I do? I was just to shy to express it ‘romantically’ to her. I felt that I was just like a teenager who didn’t brave enough to show her emotion to her crush. But hell yeah, that’s what happened!

I feel gratitude until now I write this note. There are things that I don’t experience and there are clearly new stuffs for me. I really can be with myself and also her. I realize that I still pursue for my own independentness so that I can be self-sufficient. I am now building my own dream. Step by step. I feel also gratitude because she just accept me the way I am; with all of my conditions and surrounding – dealing with friends and ex.

I just need to know that she’s doing the thing that she’s really into and it will make me energize and secure. I don’t why but that what’s happen. I love her commitment and love to God. I always love when she express her passionate to serve the people because of God. Suddenly I can feel safe and comfortable. It’s so awkward for me. She really seduces me with her faith…  and I can’t let myself go from that.

She’s still the one that I want to share my stories, and all of my queerness mind with. I feel blessed that I find her.

*For my spring rhapsody*

Maguwoharjo, Yogyakarta

12:19 pm, 22 Mei 2011

Lived Religion

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Sun, 22 May 2011 09:06:44 PDT

Spirituality is developed by just such embodied practices. (Meredith B Mc Guires)

Saya membaca artikel pendek seorang sosiolog yang meneliti tentang agama-agama. Meredith mengaitkan antara spiritualitas dan materialitas. Kedua hal ini kerapkali dipandang sebagai dua hal yang kontras dan berlawanan satu dengan yang lain. Spiritualitas menunjukkan kesakralan, kesucian, sesuatu yang abstrak dan immaterial sehingga identik dengan “keilahian”. Sementara Materialitas menunjukkan sesuatu yang temporer, sementara, kongkrit sehingga identik dengan “keduniawian”. Tapi dalam artikel singkat Mc Guires, ia memberi pandangan yang menarik tentang kedua hal ini.

Dalam artikelnya Why Bodies Matter: A Sociological Reflection on Spirituality and Materiality, Mc. Guires menunjukkan bahwa tubuh yang fisik, baik indera penglihatan, penciuman, peraba memiliki kaitan yang signifikan terhadap spiritualitas manusia. Dalam hal ini Mc Guires mengangkat tentang istilah lived religion – agama keseharian. Agama keseharian ini terbentuk dari praktik-praktik dimana orang-orang mengingat, berbagi, beraktivitas, beradaptasi dan menciptakan kisah-kisah dimana mereka tinggal dan ini terbentuk melalui praktik dimana orang-orang mewujudkan kisah-kisah tersebut dalam aksi keseharian mereka. Mc Guires mengambil tesis Pierre Bordieu, seorang sosiologis, yang megatakan bahwa “semua indera kita – tidak hanya pencerapan fisik, tapi juga pencerapan sosial – merupakan bagian dari praktik mengingat dan upaya untuk mentransformasikan hal yang abstrak menjadi terindera (embodying).” Tubuh kita telah melekat di dalam pencerapan yang kita pelajari/alami, misalnya rasa keadilan, rasa kenikmatan, rasa moral, rasa menjijikkan. Misalnya, rasa menjijikkan. Ketika rasa tersebut dipahami, ketika kita merasakan jijik, maka rasa tersebut membuat kita bereaksi terhadap pemandangan yang menjijikkan, misalnya keinginan untuk muntah ketika kita melihat penyiksaan. Tesis mengenai embodiment dan praktik sosial ini yang dapat membuat kita memahami bagaimana pencerapan – tidak hanya moral tapi juga religiusitas – dapat berkembang dan melekat dalam pengalaman tubuh kita.

Beberapa sosiologis mengatakan bahwa agama merupakan community of memory (komunitas ingatan). Ini dikarenakan praktik spiritual merupakan cara dimana individu mengaitkan pencerapan sosial mereka untuk mengaktifkan memori yang melekat di tubuh mereka. Tubuh menjadi hal yang sangat signifikan, baik di kehidupan spiritual individual maupun perkembangan komunitas spiritual. Namun memang selama ini penelitian mengenai praktik spiritual hanya dipotret dari bagaimana individu mempraktekkan agama mereka terbatas pada praktik seperti kehadiran di rumah-rumah ibadat atau membaca teks kitab. ini membuat definisi yang sempit sehingga individu yang mempraktekkan agama mereka diluar itu tidak dihitung.

Mc Guires menunjukkan kaitan antara tubuh dan spiritualitas dalam dua hal; yakni melalui makanan dan musik. Banyak orang-orang yang diwawancarainya menggambarkan praktik spiritual sebagai aktivitas yang sangat biasa dan bersifat domestic, seperti proses memasak, menanam, dan menyantap makanan. Misalnya, dua pasangan, yang menggabungkan praktik meditasi Buddha ke dalam spiritualitas Kristen, menggambarkan proses memasak dan menyantap makanan sebagai “mindful” dan sebagai “being fully present”. Yang lainnya menggambarkan kegiatan berkebun, khususnya untuk tumbuhan organic, sebagai praktik spiritual karena mereka berpikir bahwa masyarakat kapitalis mempromosikan praktik agar tubuh dapat ‘menghemat waktu’ sehingga orang-orang lebih suka membeli peralatan untuk memanaskan dan menyajikan makanan atau mengkonsumsi makanan siap saji. Mc Guire juga mengunjungi Tassajara Zen Center (sebuah tempat yang terisolasi di pengunungan dekat Carmel, California). Tanpa peralatan listrik, para biksu Zen membuat sup, roti, dan salad bagi tamu-tamu, dan keseluruhannya adalah bagian integral dari spiritualitas mereka.

Begitupun dengan musik. Menurut fenomenologis Alfred Schutz, “membuat musik bersama-sama” adalah metaphor dari cara dimana orang-orang saling mengaitkan diri satu-sama lain secara mendalam, dengan berbagi pengalaman yang subjektif. Dalam membuat musik bersama ini menghasilkan rasa kebersamaan – atau bahkan pengalaman inter-subjektif. Untuk menyanyikan secara bersama-sama, maka perlu untuk saling menyesuaikan waktu satu sama lain. Ini berarti waktu yang dipahami oleh tubuh, misalnya napas kita atau perilaku yang beritme lainnya, seperti ujung kaki yang bergerak karena irama tertentu. Bernapas adalah contoh yang paling nyata dari praktik yang embodied. Meskipun semua orang harus bernapas dan melakukannya secara otomatis, namun pola napas seseorang bisa dipengaruhi oleh praktik religious, psikologis atau sosial kita. Mc Guires mengamati hal tersebut dari acara bernyanti bersama, yakni “The Gospel Hour”, pertunjukan hymne gospel selama dua jam yang dinyanyikan di sebuah bar bagi orang-orang gay di Atlanta (Georgia). Ini ditampilkan oleh tiga orang, the Gospel Girls, termasuk dua orang laki-laki gay yang drag (memakai gaun, wig dan make-up), dan kebanyakan dari penonton adalah gay. Mereka sangat antusias untuk bernyanyi bersama dalam pelayanan hymne mingguan. Banyak peserta di The Gospel Hour mengalami rasa religious yang asli dan rasa kebersamaan dalam komunitas. Penampilan ritual dari hymne gospel Kristen evangelical dan drag queen memberikan pesan alternative bagi orang-orang Kristen dan para pemujanya yang gay serta juga secara simbolis menghapus hambatan yang muncul dari masyarakat yang dominan.

Saya berpikir bahwa tiap orang dapat menemukan lived religion-nya masing-masing melalui berbagai aktivitas material yang dapat mengaktifkan memori yang sudah melekat di setiap inci tubuhnya. Tentunya memulai semua itu dengan pertama-tama keluar dari pemikiran besar yang strukturalis, mengenai oposisi biner antara spiritual dan material; bahwa spiritualitas tidak melulu diproduksi dari hal-hal yang bersifat abstrak dan kognitif, namun juga dari tubuh material. Lalu setelahnya berkelindan dalam eksplorasi embodied practices – tentang praktik yang membuat memori yang ada di tubuh kita aktif dan akhirnya membuat kita merasa bersemangat, menyala-nyala, dan berarti dalam hidup – melalui lagu, tarian, gerakan, cara berpakaian, makanan dan minuman yang dikonsumsi, dan sebagainya.

*menyadari tubuh*

Maguwoharjo, Yogyakarta

10:17 am, 22 Mei 2011

Hasrat, Tubuh dan Konteks

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Tue, 10 May 2011 19:44:29 PDT

“…You help me without touch... You keep me without chains…“ (Loving Annabelle)

Mengenai hasrat perempuan yang berkelindan di dalam struktur wacana kekuasaan yang sakral dan mengelu-elukan prokreativitas. Mengenai rasa yang dituangkan dalam imaji-imaji di kepala dan terhenti dan segera membuat tersadar karena diri yang dikelilingi oleh nilai-nilai spiritualitas yang menjadikan tubuh tidak begitu berarti. Pertarungan ide antara imateri dan materi. Saat Annabelle diam-diam dan hati-hati meletakkan ujung jarinya ke punggung tangan Simone saat mereka tengah menonton film bersama dengan para murid dan guru yang ada di sekolah Katolik. Dan seketika, Simone menjauhkan tangannya karena tersadar bahwa mereka berdua sedang ada di lingkungan gereja. Dan itu terbaca ketika Simone duduk sendirian di dalam gereja dan membayangkan Annabelle menghampiri, mencium dan menyentuh Simone. Seketika Simone tersadar dari fantasi yang diciptakannya sendiri. Seketika hal ini juga terlihat dari tatapan mata Immaculada, sang suster kepala yang ketika ia tengah mabuk, memainkan ujung rambut Simone.

Mengenai tubuh dan bukan tubuh. Mengenai tubuh dengan berbagai turunan oposisi biner yang melekat didalamnya; profan dan sakral, temporal dan selamanya.
Saya jadi teringat dengan perkataan Derrida bahwa tidak ada sesuatu di luar teks – tidak ada kenyataan di luar bahasa. Kenyataan lahir tidak dengan sendirinya, namun merupakan produk dari sejarah. Kenyataan muncul dari ide yang terus menerus diwacanakan, dilegitimasi dalam sebuah rezim, dan dimanifestasikan dalam operasi kuasa institusi. Termasuk kenyataan tentang tubuh.

Pemaknaan tentang tubuh tentu beragam. Dan bagi institusi agama, tubuh sepertinya punya peranan yang penting. Setidaknya dalam tradisi pemikiran Islam yang saya mengerti, terutama tubuh perempuan. Dalam Islam, terdapat ayat yang menyuruh perempuan untuk menutup auratnya, hingga menutupi dada. Apakah tuhan memerintahkan perempuan untuk menutup auratnya karena konteks pada saat itu, yakni di Arab, ketika raja-raja punya ratusan selir sehingga tuhan pun berpikir bahwa hal yang bisa melindungi perempuan saat itu adalah dengan menutup aurat mereka? Dan bagaimana dengan saat ini? Ketika pengetahuan tentang gender (dan perlahan tentang seksualitas) telah mulai beroperasi di berbagai level insitusi – dimulai dari negara hingga pesantren sekalipun? Ketika pengetahuan tentang tubuh telah disebarluaskan; bahwa tiap orang punya otonomi atas tubuhnya sendiri sehingga ketika tubuhnya diintervensi, maka ia memiliki kuasa untuk mempertahankan apa yang menjadi otonominya. Bagaimana lagi kita mengkontekstualisasikan ayat tentang menutup aurat tersebut?

Saya memang belum belajar tentang hermeneutika dan perlu mendalami itu kalau saya ingin punya pemahaman yang komprehensiif tentang bagaimana satu ayat bisa turun di satu periode. Namun, bagi saya satu ayat turun tidak dengan sendirinya. Pasti ayat tersebut punya konteks saat itu. Dan untuk saat ini pun, pasti akan ada reproduksi makna-makna baru dengan konteksnya yang juga berbeda.

Saya memahami tubuh sebagai sesuatu yang performatif. Karena berbagai ide kerapkali muncul di pikiran saya, maka saya memahami tubuh saya sebagai media representasi, bahkan pertarungan ide. Seperti seorang Jack Skellington di film Nightmare Before Christmas. Seorang Pumpkin King yang menjadi ikon dalam perayaan Halloween namun tampil sebagai Santa Claws karena ia terobsesi dengan ide Natal. Ia pun mempersiapkan dirinya dengan sangat baik, kostum dan topi merah, janggut putih, beserta kereta pembawa hadiah dengan rusa-rusa tengkoraknya. Walaupun tubuh performatif Santa Claws akhirnya hancur, namun ide Natal tetap berkelindan hangat di pikiran Jack Skellington.

Saya sampai di titik dimana penilaian saya tentang tubuh tidak lagi sebagai hal yang profan atau sakral. Bisa jadi keduanya. Karena tubuh juga punya konteks.

*Bergelut antara pikiran dan tubuh*

Kaliwaru, Yogyakarta
10 Mei 2011, [09:57]

About An Emotion

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 00:10:43 PDT

I have never become too worry before and too expressive. She said that she can’t come. Well, I could have responded it in an ordinary way but I don’t know. I just feel sad about it. I even wrote it in my status. I am not kind of person actually, but I think I need to express it to her. I hope that I am not too much reacting but honestly, it is not ordinary for me. It is hard for me to express certain feelings, especially to the people I do really care with and love. Even I never show my love expression to my parents. It is the thing that they never teach to me and my sister. We become a very stiff family – I guess the term ‘family’ not really fit within my context. It turns me into a person who can’t show emotions, even tend to hide it.

I am not sure how she actually thinks about what I have said to her. What I understand is that until now she still does interaction with me. She still lets me know where she is, she asks me about my opinion when she wants to cut her hair, she phoned me when I said that I got bored with my activities – but I let her to enjoyed her time with her friends, she sent me song, she called me the way I called and named her. Those are things that make me become so comfortable and accepted as a person who is in love with her.

I have just read a shirt written “you + me = us”. I spontaneously replied, to me, “you + me = me + you”. There is no us. Yeah, I am reminded about my own conception of relationship. Well I know it is not the fixed one, but at least that is what I think I need for now.

Still, she’s my rhapsody until this moment and it grows even stronger…

I am going to melt as she will spread her charm to the whole world. I’ll let her to make me warm inside…

*a distance that suddenly turns near

Kaliwaru Yogyakarta

11:52 pm
20 April 2011

A Tribute for [Him]

noreply@blogger.com (Yulia Dwi Andriyanti -- Edith ) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 17:27:50 PDT

Ketika tidak melakukan apapun, keluar dari kesibukan dan membiarkan pikiran untuk mengambil jeda sesaat, waktu menjadi seolah-olah berjalan sangat lama. Dia menjadi penyendiri yang asing. Memori menjadi berdesakan dan saling berhimpit. Berkompetisi untuk diputar kembali dalam tiap keheningan yang muncul. Sebuah penggalan yang membawanya pada sosok yang sudah lama tidak ditemuinya. Lebih dari satu semester. Dia sudah berjanji untuk menemui[nya] saat liburan, tapi dia membatalkan[nya]. Kini, dia harus menunggu satu semester berakhir untuk menemui[nya]. Dan itu berarti satu tahun.

Sosok sederhana yang berusaha untuk melanjutkan hidup. bergumul dengan kenangan-kenangan pasangan hidup[nya] yang meninggalkan [dia] lebih dulu. Yang setia menunggu dan menjaga pasangan[nya], dalam kesakitan dan kesusahan. Dalam wajah[nya] yang semakin renta dan kulit[nya] yang semakin keriput.

Dia masih ingat sorot mata itu. Kesedihan seorang laki-laki yang semenjak pasangan hidup[nya] meninggalkan [dia], membuatnya semakin mencintai laki-laki ini. Lebih banyak lagi dari sebelumnya. Masih terekam jelas di benaknya saat dia menghubungi laki-laki itu siang hari setelah dia mendapat pesan pendek bahwa pasangan hidup[nya] telah meninggal. Ketika itu tidak ada perasaan yang berarti. Dia tidak sedih bahkan menangis. Kabar itu seperti sesuatu yang membuatnya tidak harus berekspresi berlebihan meskipun pasangan hidup[nya] adalah seseorang yang harusnya dia anggap berarti dalam hidupnya – setidaknya itu yang dianggap oleh kebanyakan orang. Kemudian dia menghubungi laki-laki itu. Menanyakan tentang kabar yang baru saja didapatkannya.

“Pa, ade barusan dapat sms, kalau mama meninggal… Papa dimana sekarang?”
…[suara terdengar gemetar dan kebingungan]… “Apa?? Ini ade siapa ya…”
“Ini ade, Pa…”
….[diam sesaat]… “Iya, siapa…??”
…[terkejut dan dengan nada yang bersikeras]… “Ya, ampun Pa… ini ade….!!”
“….oh iya,, ade… iya… Mama meninggal, de…”

Dia mulai menangis. Bukan karena pasangan hidup laki-laki ini, tapi karena pernyataan laki-laki ini. Yang sama sekali tidak mengenali suaranya. Dia mulai menyadari. Laki-laki ini benar-benar kehilangan. Dan dia menangis karena mengetahui perasaan laki-laki ini.

Dia semakin mencintai laki-laki ini. Segera setelah tahu bahwa saudara pasangan hidup[nya] yang biasa sering berkunjung ke rumah[nya], kini tidak lagi datang, dan tidak lagi mengundang[nya] ke acara pernikahan keponakan[nya] bahkan tidak menghubungi sama sekali ketika keponakan[nya] telah melahirkan.

“Di adat kita,, laki-laki cuma tamu… ade dan nika jadi tanggungjawab paman, seharusnya… tapi ya sudah,, Papa masih bisa mengusahakan sendiri kalau hanya membiayai sampai ade selesai kuliah..”

Dia mengingat itu dengan jelas. Dan dia tidak peduli dengan adat. Asal usul ke-diri-annya sudah tercerabut ketika dia menyadari bahwa dia harus berusaha keras untuk mendekonstruksi nilai-nilai yang ada di masyarakat agar dia bisa dikatakan normal dan diperlakukan sama seperti yang lain. Yang dia mengerti adalah bahwa dia harus menjadi kebanggaan bagi laki-laki yang dicintainya. Menghargai waktu-waktu kesendirian laki-laki ini dengan sebuah gelar sosial yang bagi dia biasa namun luar biasa bagi[nya].

Baru saja dia mendapat pesan pendek dari[nya]. Harapan dan doa yang sama; sebuah kesuksesan bagi dia. Ada hal yang kerapkali tertahan darinya. Keinginan untuk mengatakan sesuatu. Tapi tidak pernah bisa diungkapkannya pada laki-laki itu.

“Ade sayang Papa…” katanya, dalam hati. Berharap agar laki-laki itu tetap berdoa untuknya. Selalu.

*Emosi yang aneh tapi mampu menyemangati…

Kaliwaru, Yogyakarta

11:47 pm
19 April 2011