Query Shark

And now, a pause for jocularity 2

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 04:45:00 +0000

Dear ~~Sublimity,~~ ~~Snookums~~ QueryShark:

Literary agent Nicola Mersdon just wants three things:
1. An extended vacation in the Bahamas (without the slush pile)
2. A sojourn in the local bar (without the manuscript-bearing students)
And:
3. An engagement ring

But she'll settle for a drink.

Three thousand queries, and Nicola Mersdon has a problem. Her romantically-inclined acquaintance has sent her a diamond ring - without an SASE. Nicola is brought into conflict with her own conscience - can she truly accept the engagement and risk tacit support for NITWIT, a multinational alliance of vicious mass queriers and agent e-mail finders - as it did? But Nicola has a duty, and a harsh one - to reject the query. Whatever it takes.

But her querier's romantic inclinations are as nothing compared to his employers'. NITWIT are determined - and there's the devil in the details, as they offer Nicola a chance to die for: a reconciliatory holiday with her rejected. Unfortunately, NITWITs may provide cookies and scented paper, but honeymoons aren't their speciality. As Nicola finds out to her cost - brought to New York for a sacrifice upon one of agenthood's highest pinnacles of sense. Tied to Miss Snark's ~~grave~~ shrine in Central Park, Nicola is forced to offer her betrothed and his allies in NITWITtery a critique, forcing them to retire in shame. Then she eviscerates them.

LIFE AND LOVE IN AN SASE is an epic tale of tragedy, the human condition, and the eternal duology of love. My 200, 000 word manuscript - described as a fascinating combination of Socrates and Faulkner - is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

#118

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:48:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Macey Fry isn’t prude, she just gags at the smell of cigarettes and puts Post-Its over the nudes in her Louvre book. Her three best friends, however, stow Malboros in their air-conditioning vents and hide condoms in their teddy bears. Still, the four are inseparable; until Crystal Meth.

Post-it notes over art photos is textbook prude, by the way.
Crystal Meth isn't a person, or a proper name so it's not capitalized.

On the last day of Sophomore year, Macey is feeling bold. She’s sixteen now, after all, and she’s wasting her youth being scared all the time. She nervously gulps down two cocktails at an end of school party and winds up asleep before midnight. Macey’s three best friends are feeling bold, too, as the party ends. But Allison, Charity, and Lindsey are bored with cocktails. They’re ready to try the next big thing in teenage entertainment and Charity’s boyfriend has it in that dirty clump of crystals stuffed deep into his pocket.

This sounds nothing like any young person I know. It sounds like a disapproving adult: "wasting her youth" The thing about kids is they don't know they are wasting their youth. "teenage entertainment" is another phrase I'd fall over dead if I heard a kid say.

After just a few long nights with Crystal Meth, Charity and Lindsey are hooked. Macey will never be bold enough to try it and Allison is more interested in her new boyfriend than the new drug. For the first time in eight years, the group is split.

When a police raid on a meth party freezes the local trade, Macey and Allison think they’ve seen the end of their friends’ addictions. But Lindsey and Charity find another source: a dealer whose house is crowded with criminal men and shifty secrets.

Macey thinks her friends will stop being addicted because the supply dries up? I'm less enamored of this character with every passing paragraph.

Soon, Allison’s boyfriend ends their relationship and Allison turns to Lindsey, Charity, and their crystalline comfort, leaving Macey in solitude. Macey must decide which is more dangerous: wallowing in loneliness, or braving the hazardous drug world for the company of her best friends.

And where are her parents in all this? Surely she has a choice other than wallowing in loneliness or hanging out with meth addicts. She sounds spineless and weak here. That's NOT someone I want to spend 200 pages (let alone 140,000 words--ack!) with.

GLITTER AND DECAY is literary fiction, complete at 140,000 words. I describe it as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. ~~I am an unpublished author hoping this novel will be my debut work. I have never been a meth addict, but I have pooled the knowledge and experience of several women who have to create this story.~~ TMI

140,000 words is not only too long for a YA novel, it's also too long for an adult novel. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a middle grade novel. I have no idea what Go Ask Alice is called but I read it in high school.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention. I am an avid reader of both your blogs and grateful for your every helpful word.

Focus on Macey. This is her story.

Right now I just want to smack every character and send them to convent school. Your job as a writer is to make me care about the protagonist even if I do want to smack her upside the head. You haven't done that here.

Form rejection.

#117-Revised Twice, and yes we have a winner!

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:26:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore hasn’t exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. She lives her life as if on hold, impatient for the day her son Austin turns eighteen and she is finally allowed to contact him.

When she spots Austin’s adoptive father in the grocery store, she is overjoyed. Now divorced, Mike has recently moved to town and is raising Austin alone. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. After careful deliberation, Mike allows Josie and Austin to meet.

Eleven year old Austin is eager to get to know Josie, and they develop an easy and comfortable relationship. Mike struggles with placing limits on their time together, and is torn as Austin gradually grows closer to Josie. Often at odds, Mike and Josie try their best to get along for Austin’s sake.

Austin ignores their sometimes hostile attitudes towards each other, and begins to picture the three of them as a family. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to go about making this happen. By the time he starts working on it, both Josie and Mike have started dating other people.

Things get more complicated when Austin’s adoptive mom, Georgia, reenters the picture. She essentially abandoned Austin years before, and is now looking to repair their broken relationship. Mike and Josie join together in helping Austin deal with his conflicted feelings about Georgia.

Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

A work of women’s fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Holy Helvetica, you did it! Frankly I was copyediting my snarl for "you can redo a query letter this fast and get it right" and boy oh boy was I wrong. This is ready to go out into the world.

VERY nice work!!! Congratulations!!
-----------------
FIRST REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore has not exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. Finished with college, but without a boyfriend or job, she was convinced it was her only choice. What she can’t accept is Mike and Georgia Cameron’s divorce. After choosing them so carefully, she is stunned to discover they divorced shortly after the adoption. She is also angry that they ignored their agreement to send updates and pictures, but she is legally unable to do anything about it.

Eleven years later, Josie is divorced and alone. She keeps mostly to herself, save the occasional lunches and dinners with her colleague and friend, Howard. She places her life on hold, impatient for the day Austin turns eighteen and she can try to find him.

Well, she does know where he is right? She has his parents' name. What you mean is contact him, not find him, right?

When she spots Mike Cameron in the grocery store one day, she is overjoyed. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. Figuring Mike owes her something, Josie pleads her case, terrified of messing up her one chance. He isn’t exactly thrilled to see her, or to reveal how Georgia re-married and had a baby, essentially abandoning Austin.

The problem here is that this is all set up for the actual story (at least I hope it is). The story starts when Josie sees Mike in the grocery store. Pare down the first three paragraphs and get to the PLOT: what happens when everyone is interacting.

Having recently moved to town, he is raising Austin alone. After careful consideration, he allows Josie and Austin to meet. Josie and Austin develop an easy and comfortable relationship, while she does her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike.

Things get more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture. Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

This is the part where it gets interesting. Focus here.

A work of Women’s Fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

women's fiction isn't capitalized. I'm seeing all these random capitalizations lately; it's making me cranky.

My guess is that the query letter reflects the biggest problem with the novel: too much backstory. I'll lay you ten to one that the real story starts somewhere around page 40, chapter four when the grocery store scene is.

That's the start of the story. All the windup and back story can come in later. We don't need to know all that stuff to start with. Josie sees Mike; consternation ensues.

Better but not there yet.

----------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

~~I would like you to consider SOMETHING GOOD, a work of women's fiction complete at 75,000 words.~~

Start with the story.

Divorced, childless and edging toward cynical, Josie Moore is doing the best she can. She lives with the colossal regret that she didn't choose wisely when she gave up her precious newborn son to the outwardly perfect Mike and Georgia Cameron. The discovery that they divorced a mere three years later leaves her frustrated and angry, but unable to do anything about it.

Ok, so she ISN'T exactly childless is she? Why did Josie give her son up? Was she a surrogate? Was she alone and afraid? A very quick couple of words to give us a sense of why she did this will connect us to her emotionally. You don't have much emotion here, and so the query feels flat. That's not good, particularly when you're dealing with a VERY emotionally charged concept here.

An out of the blue sighting at the grocery store and she may have the chance to reconnect with her son, Austin, years before she hoped or even imagined. He and his dad have moved to town, and after Josie confronts Mike, he reluctantly agrees to give her a chance to meet him. Depending on Austin's reaction, he may even allow her some small role in his life.

This is passive voice: "an out of the blue sighting at the grocery store". Short declarative sentences: Josie sees her son one day at the grocery story. It's totally unexpected, out of the blue. He and his dad etc.

Why does she confront him? He didn't steal the boy. He adopted him, right? You're missing the obvious here: Josie is this child's biological parent and suddenly here is a chance to be part of his life. Make us feel her elation, her hope, her fear. I'm not talking about huge run on sentences; more like six well chosen adjectives.

Trying her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike, Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin. Having her around turns out to be a surprisingly good thing for them when the long absent Georgia re-enters the picture. Having all but abandoned Austin after the divorce, she returns, hoping to fix their badly damaged relationship.

Give your paragraph some chiropractic adjustment: subject, verb, clause. Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin while she tries her best not to alienate etc. See the difference?

Now, who is the them in the badly damaged relationship? Austin? Mike? And you really don't need much more than "things get much more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture." We can intuit the chaos that ensues.

Mike and Josie don't see eye to eye on many things, but are in complete agreement in their love and concern for Austin. In their somewhat clumsy attempts to keep him protected and happy, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

Put these sentences in subject, verb, clause form. In short form queries it's very important to keep your structure as simple as possible. And frankly with the amount of sentence polarity (I made that up in case you're wondering if you missed something in grammar class) here in this letter, I'm VERY afraid I'm going to see a lot of it in the manuscript. That is NOT a good thing.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Put the title and word count down here.

You have a very good concept here. It's the writing that makes me shiver. I think you need a good brutal critique group that will help you see some of the convoluted writing I see here.

I'd probably read a couple pages hoping for the best, but then if they were good, I'd read near the middle of the book too, just to avoid the dreaded "workshopped to hell first chapter syndrome." WTHFCS is what we call a novel with a perfect first chapter followed closely by a splat of epic proportions. I actually have a category for this on my query data base "what the hell was I thinking."

I'd read on but you've got a VERY narrow window here. Before you query, I'd make sure that book has had some brutal (and I mean BRUTAL) beta readers.

#116-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Dear QueryShark:

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. She's just plain fed-up! This relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity, called 'life', has toyed with her long enough.

In the critique of the original I said we didn't get much sense of why Mavis wanted to end it all, given she's clearly got all her marbles and a functioning body. "Relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity called life" sounds like something you'd hear at a cocktail party of twenty-somethings trying to be blase. Dig deeper. It's the gist of your novel. She can't just want to kill herself cause you need a set up for the novel.

~~So,~~ instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.

Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?

The title of this book is “Mercy”. Thank you for your time in considering this submission.

Word count?

Same response as below: I'd probably read pages if you included them, and a LOT would depend if you caught me on a good day or not. You'd have no way of knowing if you did, so a smart query strategy would be plan to query WIDELY.

This just doesn't grab me cause I don't believe someone who is in good health at 102 would try to kill themselves. The older you get, the more precious life becomes in my experience. And I only look 102, I'm not actually there yet.

---------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. Instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

I'm going to assume this is a mordant comedy akin to Harold and Maude. What we're missing here is a sense of Mavis. Why does she want to end it all? If she's well enough, and astute enough for the antics of paragraph two why has she got the hots for St. Peter?

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.

Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?

The title of this book is “Mercy”. ~~If you are interested, please email me, or phone at (redacted)~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks,

This is a pretty good query letter except that I don't have any sense of why I want to spend an entire book reading about someone trying to kill herself. And I don't have much sense of Mavis either.

A lot would depend on how backlogged I was when I got the query. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, this is a pass cause it's not just reaching out and grabbing me.

This is one of those where I'd read the pages if you were smart and followed the directions to send them but I'm not sure I'd request pages if you hadn't.

This is a textbook example of a query that could go either way and EXACTLY why you query a lot of agents. Hit me on the wrong day it's pass, for someone else it's a read.

#115-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:57:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Sallie Talbot is most content when her life on the Carolina seashore is calm, quiet, and peaceful. She is therefore most unsettled one evening when her spunky Great Aunt Ruth is unexpectedly checked into the hospital. Even more unsettling, however, is what Aunt Ruth says when Sallie comes to visit. Ruth tells the story of her secret, long-lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she met in an obscure Peruvian village and fell in love with many years ago. An unfortunate twist of fate separated the two, and Ruth hasn’t seen or heard from Arturo in over fifty years. Being separated from him is a decades-old regret that Ruth insists only Sallie can set right.

You've used 113 words here to say one thing: Sallie's Aunt Ruth wants her to find a long lost love.
When I see this kind of word sprawl I know I'm going to find the exact same kind of writing in the novel. I stop reading right here. Pare this down. You don't have to be James Ellroy; you do have to practice an economy of words.

Unable to deny her aunt’s dying plea, Sallie agrees to fly to Peru, track down Arturo, and deliver a message on Ruth’s behalf. Easier said than done. In her sickly state Ruth cannot recall many details about the place she and Arturo met, and only remembers that it was a northern Andean city ‘in the clouds.’ What kind of people live in the clouds? Ruth also entrusts Sallie with Arturo’s ring, a precious golden relic that boasts beautiful ancient American artwork but is hardly helpful for tracking Arturo down. With nothing but Ruth’s scant testimony to go on, Sallie quickly realizes how utterly unprepared she is for the journey.

A lost ring? A city in the clouds? These are both so closely identified with other books and movies that they don't sound either fresh or new here.

And honest to helvetica, I absolutely fail to understand why Sallie doesn't just soothe Aunt Ruth with lies and forget the whole thing. Why would she do this? What's in it for her?

Amidst the chaos of unknown cities and villages, and virtually unable to communicate with the locals, Sallie grapples with the fear of making wrong decisions. How fully should she trust the memories and directions of her ill, aging aunt? What will happen if she decides to accept the help of Gabe Foster, an irresistibly handsome stranger who, after hearing about the ‘clouds’ and seeing the priceless ring, says he knows the way? Even if Sallie does accept Gabe’s help, she can’t help but wonder what chance they really have of finding Arturo anyway, when steaming jungles, belligerent natives, and fifty long years are standing in their way. With Ruth’s happiness and Sallie’s own survival on the line, will Sallie be able to abandon her self-doubt and quiet ways to get the job done?

Ruth's happiness is on the line? Wait a second here. She's been without Arturo for FIFTY FRIGGING YEARS!! You can't just say things about characters because you need them to be true for the book to work.

For a book to have a cohesive emotional framework, readers must be convinced that the characters are acting in a way that makes sense. Makes sense to the reader AND makes sense to the character. Because we don't know Ruth at all (and can't in the brief space of a query letter) you have to tell us WHY her happiness suddenly depends on this.

And honest to hortonwhoheardawho, there are a lot of unhappy people in the world. I sure as heck wouldn't be traipsing off to CloudCuckooLand for anything other than cold hard cash or a signed representation agreement with Thomas Pynchon. In other words, logical tangible benefits to ME. Altruism is a very sketchy motivation.

Wander Me Home is complete at 89,000 words. I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I stopped reading at paragraph one and sent a form rejection.

--------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

I would like to invite you to review my novel Wander Me Home, a work of women's fiction complete at 89,000 words. A tale of escape from the mundane, Wander Me Home tells a story of untamed jungles, hidden villages, and self discovery. Below is a brief description.

Start with the story. The paragraph above is drenched with generalities that don't entice me to read further down the page, let alone the book.

Sallie Talbot may not have the life she’s always dreamed of, but she prides herself on finding joy in the simple things. Sure, she wastes her talents every day working for a two-faced employer who has all the intelligence and grace of a burnt-out light bulb, but at least she has a roof over her head.

Sallie maintains that life is good as long as things are quiet, calm, and running smoothly. Her quiet life is occasionally interrupted because she has the unenviable task of running interference between her famously hot-tempered mother and beloved Great-Aunt Ruth (a woman of questionable sanity immensely fond of spinning tales of youthful exploits in mysterious Peruvian villages), but for the most part Sallie’s life is quite calm.

Again, start with something interesting. The fact that Sallie likes calm can be dealt with in one phrase: Sallie values a calm*, well-running life.

We know something is going to disturb that calm. Get on with telling us what it is:

However, when a cool, Carolina October brings with it a series of sickening shocks, Sallie's serene, easy life is turned upside down, especially when her vibrant great-aunt takes ill and makes a startling confession, followed by a desperate plea: Will Sallie please drop everything and fly to an unnamed Peruvian village in search of Ruth’s long lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she hasn’t seen or heard from in over fifty years?

You told us Aunt Ruth was insane. If Sallie values inner peace why would she do something so obviously irrational? You have all the description here except that matters: WHY Sallie decides to do this. What does Aunt Ruth say that persuades her? Or does she just say "oh fuck it, I'm tired of inner peace, bring on the ~~Aztec~~ Incan warriors"

You have to give me enough to make me believe the character's choices. You can't just send her to Peru cause you need her there.

An uncharacteristic, blind leap of faith lands Sallie in faraway Lima, Peru, with her best friend and baby brother at her side. (she's taking a baby?? Be careful how you use words) Festivals, jungles, natives, and not-so-unexpected betrayals are just a few of the things that mark Sallie’s uncertain path towards Arturo Zuruec, and when a golden Adonis of a stranger, the handsome Gabe Foster, unexpectedly comes to Sallie's aid in a moment of distress, she begins to think that Gabe is meant to save her in more ways than one. Sallie can't help but wonder if she has anything to offer in return.

Golden Adonis is Greek. You're telling us a story set in Peru.

~~Continually lighthearted and at times surprisingly thoughtful, Cadence brings laughter and intrigue to a story of belated self-discovery, and resoundingly affirms that true love knows no bounds.~~

Who or what is Cadence?
Leave this whole paragraph out. It doesn't say anything. Use the words you save here to elaborate on what's important: What choices does Sallie face, what decision does she have to make; what's at stake, and why will I care. SHOW me the answers to these questions, don't tell me.

Although it is my first complete novel, I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration. ~~I look forward to hearing from you.~~

This is essentially a different take on Romancing The Stone. You've got to give me something more specific to your book so it doesn't look like an 80's movie.

Start over.

Form rejection.

*there was a typo here that's mentioned in the comments, but now fixed.

#114-Revised Twice, and yes, we have a winner

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:36:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

“I Rode With Teddy Roosevelt”(working title)

IN 1883, 15- year-old Scottie Burns is hired by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt to work on his Dakota ranch. Like teenaged boys ever since, he finds a role model in this dashing, charismatic hunter/ rancher. As he grows ever closer to TR, Scottie also discovers a
darker, more cynical side to this political animal. TR, in turn, sees Scottie as a good hunting and fishing companion, personal aide and sounding board for his ideas.

Scottie matures as America grows in world stature, helped along by TR’s expansionist sentiments and racial “profiling” -- sentiments Scottie comes to seriously question. He also sees TR quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if it advances his political career. Scottie will experience that betrayal when he join’s TR’s Rough Riders invading Cuba. The two won’t meet again until the Pan American Exposition, three years later.

This 43,000-word novella offer’s Scottie’s view of the unromantic cowboy life and his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

I am a former a reporter, editor and columnist for the (redacted), have freelanced articles for regional and national magazines, have been anthologized and have a book about “classic” cameras still in print. I know the value of good editing, respond to it, and am trained
to meet deadlines.

This could be an interesting read for middle schoolboys. My teacher friends say that's a gap to be filled. I think their fathers would like it as well.

You should have better marketing ideas. May I send you some, or all off the manuscript?

Why yes, yes you can.

This is a really good revision, and the querier is benefiting from my feverish hunt for middle grade books for boys, particularly those based on real people.

------------------------------
First Revision
Dear Query Shark

Scottie Burns trailed along with Teddy Roosevelt from 1883 until breaking with the Chief after the Spanish-American War, fed up with seeing TR’s ever darker side. Meeting his idol in 1883 and working on Teddy Roosevelt’s Dakota ranch, the two become hunting companions.

After reading paragraph 3, it's clear we need to start this, or mention early on how old Scottie Burns is. (YA novels really need to have YA-age protagonists)

This first sentence pretty much sucks, and my guess is you'll see it now too. There's no sense of excitement here, no sense of drawing us in to adventure. You're still doing what you did in the original: giving us too much information.

You need a snappier first line. It can take days to get it right. Anything that has to be short and punchy is harder to write than a 250 word paragraph.

Teddy takes him back to New York after the Great Die-Off. T R needs to earn a living and has always been in politics. Scottie becomes his personal assistant, sounding board for ideas, and, in time, skeptical of Teddy’s Imperialistic tendencies. He detests the cavalier attitude
Teddy shows -- to even his closest allies -- on his way to the top and they part ways. As the 20th Century dawns, Scottie realizes he has seen the nation become a world power.

Focus on Scottie, not TR. That's the story. Tell us what the great Die-Off is. (My guess without googling is the 1919 epidemic)

This odd novel has me stymied: my wife says it could be a fine Young Adult novel-- especially for middle school boys for whom there is a dearth of books with “guy stuff” to pique the interest of otherwise lazy readers. I think adult Teddy Roosevelt admirers also will be interested. “A Rough Ride With Teddy” has ranch life hunting, fishing, the wonders of the current electromechanical age then dawning -- it even has some love and war.

Never ever use the word lazy with reader in a query letter. Those guys are going to be your audience. Treat them with respect.

How many words in the novel?

I got my first byline at age 13 and, hooked by newspapers, worked as a reporter, editor and columnist for the Buffalo News. I also wrote freelance magazine articles, saw work anthologized and authored a book on co;collecting and using “classic” cameras. I thus know a fair amount about publishing, about the help editors can give any writing, and -- for sure -- how to meet deadlines.

A full synopsis and chapters attached.

NO NO NO. NEVER EVER attach anything to a query letter unless the instructions specifically say "attach." If the instructions say anything else, such as 'include' 'contain' 'enclose' etc, put them in the body of the email.

You're still in reporter mode here; standing back and observing. Get into the story. Be partisan. Be subjective. Step off the sidelines and get into the mud, the blood and beer and make us see what that life is like for Scottie, what choices he faces, and why we should give a hoot about him.

--------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Fifteen-year-old Scottie Burns is hired as a ranch hand by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt in Dakota Territory. He finds an idol in this dashing, charismatic hunter/rancher. In time TR finds in Scottie a good hunting companion and sounding board for his ideas.

In their time together (1883-1900) Teddy becomes more manipulative and “political,” Scottie matures -- and the nation grows too, becoming a world power.

Scottie shows us the unromantic side of cowboy life. We share his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

He hears Teddy’s desire for U.S. expansion, and his ideas about racial traits. He also sees TR’s constant striving and realizes that TR has lost his reformer’s ideals. Instead, he has become self-
centered, stubborn and quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if that advances his political career.

Tho he doubts the need for war with Spain, he joins Teddy ‘s Rough Riders invades cuba and comes under fire at San Juan Hill. Once mustered out Burns, now 30, has had his fill of Roosevelt’s ambition and quits. He moves to Buffalo to join a photography studio and
prospers during that city’s industrial boom. There he is hired to photograph the Pan American Exposition.

That incredible summer fair signaled America’s arrival as a new, muscular world power. Millions came that summer for their first look at the miraculous X-rays, infant incubators and experience the marvels of electrification, which would soon sweep across the nation.
They also saw the fruits of the nation’s expansionist push.

When President McKinley is shot, Vice President Roosevelt rushes to a deathbed inauguration.

The two men meet again, Roosevelt turns on his charm to ask Scottie to rejoin his entourage. Scottie refuse -- but the meeting sparks his memories of their years together.

You've mistaken a query letter for a rundown of the events in the book. I swear I'm going to make everyone pass a damn test drawn from the QueryShark archives before sending me queries for this blog.

How many times do I have to say this? One more at least I guess: The purpose of a query letter is to incite interest in the book. It is NOT a rundown of the events, any more than a love letter is a rundown of the events you plan to woo her with.

Start with the hero. What conflict does he face? Not a war kind of conflict, but a choice kind of conflict. You've only alluded to it here: Scottie is conflicted when his hero isn't quite so heroic.

Now what choice must the hero make? What consequences of those choices bother him?

What I'm looking for in query letter is a sense of "what's amiss here, and what's going to happen because of it?"

Use that to structure your query. You don't have to tell the whole story; if you can tell the whole story in one page, I'm pretty sure I really don't want to read it!

Start again.
And read the damn archives.
I'm not in this for love yanno.

#112-REVISED

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:11:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Childless landowner Emily Hunt lives through her whippets, especially a little bitch named Hope. Other dogs immediately recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, hampered by their clumsy reliance on the spoken word, mistake hearing Hope for their own thoughts.

What do "childless" and "landowner" have to do with the story? Are these the two most important things we need to know about Emily? My guess is no, they are not. Therefore, don't put them first in a query letter.

When Hope disappears, Emily is determined to find her, haunted by memories of her first dog, taken away when six-year-old Emily was placed in foster care. She will not have another dog taken from her, though her obsession threatens her friendships and her marriage.

I'm not sure we need to know why Emily is determined to find Hope. It makes sense that if she lives through her dogs, she's not going to just let them be dognapped and not do something about it.

Hope has entered the dark world of stolen dogs: dog auctions, commercial breeding facilities, and puppy mills. After two auctions in as many years she is halfway across the country living in deplorable conditions. But here she connects with Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'.

Alcoholic and widower! Evil incarnate! Oh wait, it's the "criminally neglects" part that is important isn't it? Focus on what's important. Leave out all the description.

Caleb is determined to save Hope when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction. An Internet search convinces him that his little white whippet is the same one that is advertised as stolen on the pretty lady’s website.

Why does he want to save her?

Caleb thinks Emily hasn’t arrived in time and tries to stop the auctioneer from taking Hope, getting beaten by his dad for his efforts. With the gavel banging, a weak Hope feels Emily’s presence and turns toward her. In horror, Emily realizes that the pathetic dog is her Hope. A dirty little boy with a blood-smeared face is screaming as loud as she is.

You've given us a synopsis of the book, not a reason to read it. You'd do well to revise this and focus on the dilemma Emily faces, not the series of events that happen. Right now this doesn't make me wonder "what happens next" because you've told me.

Little Hope~~. The manuscript~~ is 78,000 words.

~~Thank you for your valuable time.~~
My time isn't any more valuable than yours.

Use this: Thank you for your time and consideration.

Better, but still a form rejection.
Remember the goal in a query letter is to entice me to read this book. Clearly it's a subject you're passionate about. Get some of that passion on the page. This is a list of events, not a siren call to the page.

-------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Emily Hunt lives through her dogs. Whippets. Elegant, art deco creatures built for speed with eyes deep as God and just as knowing. Emily's youngest whippet, a little bitch named Hope, blasts into the quirky world of sighthound enthusiasts and quickly establishes her unlikely self as a star. Dogs instantly recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, with their diminished capacities, are clueless.

I'm confused. (This is not a good sign) Who is the book about? Hope or Emily? Because you start with Emily and the fact that she "lives through her dogs" I'm thinking this is a story about Emily. Then it sounds like it's a story about Hope's ability to communicate with people (I"m going to forgo the Bitch Whisperer jokes here because, despite the last sentence, I don't think you're going for a sardonic tone.)

Emily lives on a secluded estate in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley, passed down to her husband over generations of horsey landed gentry. Though the couple is childless, Emily has her dogs, her rescued thoroughbreds, and her friends. Her husband, Edgar Emerson Hunt, III, has a busy law practice in Washington, DC. Life is good.

This is pointless. What happens?

Hope vanishes from the yard, and Emily's world disintegrates. When a well-meaning friend says, "It's just a dog," Emily slaps her, hard. She will find her dog. It is a matter of trust.Through her searching, Emily's own past as a foster child in Baltimore is revealed.

A matter of trust? I don't understand what you mean. The dog trusts Emily to find her?

Hope survives in the seedy underworld of dog auctions, commercial kennels, and puppy mills. At the end of the end, a back yard puppy mill in Missouri where she's one of 110 dogs in a rickety garage, Hope meets Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'. Caleb hears Hope, loves her, and is determined to save her when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction.

whoa! Missouri? Caleb? Where's Emily? What does any of this have to do with the first two paragraphs?

The dramatic conclusion gets Emily past the gun-toting guard at the auction barn just in time to not recognize Hope on the auction block. When she 'hears' her dog, she can't hear her own screams, and dismisses the vision of a dirty little boy with a fresh black eye who is screaming as loud as she is.

You're mixing show and tell here, and neither come out well. Emily doesn't recognize Hope. She can't hear her. Why is she screaming if she doesn't recognize the dog? Why is she having a vision? Do you mean she is seeing the boy?

The conclusion is relentlessly rewarding.

Please please please don't tell me how I'm supposed to respond to a book. It just makes me say "wanna bet?" SHOW me what I might find relentlessly (an odd modifier for) rewarding, instead of TELLING me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.

(two paragraphs from novel redacted)

Don't include lines from the book in your query letter. Include the first 3-5 pages, at the end.

Thank you for your valuable time.

all the best-

Who is the main character? What happens to her? What choices does she need to make and what are the consequences.

Have I yammered about that enough? I guess not.

Answer those questions. That's the basis for the query letter.

People like to read about dogs. You might have a good story in here. This query letter is like an Springer Spaniel with a winter coat. It needs a bout with the clippers to spruce it up.

Form rejection.

#111

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 04:37:00 +0000

Aureole. This is a world where love exists – where magic flows in human blood, and Gods walk the earth.

I'm sorry but when I see Aureole, I think areola. This is not the effect you're going for (I hope). When you are world building and naming things, please remember that your audience speaks and reads this work in English. Try not to name things in a way that evokes words that mean something entirely different unless you intend us to think that.

Rain, Huldah, Grishild and Amaya were born into this world, each with a different path to walk.

Well ok, but is anyone born any other way? Don't state the obvious. Get to the substance of the story. What happens?

Rain, a secluded priestess, unwittingly kills a man after chaneling a dream bred by communion with the Gods.

What? If I can't understand what you mean, it's a form rejection. If you'd sent this to me, I'd have stopped reading right here.

~~Although she is destined for a tragic end,~~ her brief life sets in motion a string of events which may ultimately lead to the destruction of her world.

This is too general to be of much use in figuring out What Happens?
Also, the first clause does not have a connection to the sentence that follows.

Huldah, a deprived child prodigy, and Grishild, a disabled girl loved by a lesser-God, live their lives worlds apart, yet both are intimately connected to the deceased priestess. While their lives unfold, the end of Aureole draws nearer. Brought together late in life by Amaya, a young woman who bears a striking resemblance to Rain, Grishild and Huldah struggle to save her from the Gods before time runs out. But does Amaya represent repetition, or revolution?

I'm sorry, but this literally makes no sense to me. It will really help if you use short declarative sentences and focus on one character or two. You have four. You also have all four mentioned in one sentence with a pronoun. That means I have NO idea to whom the pronoun refers. I can guess I suppose, but a query letter isn't supposed to be me guessing at the plot.

Aureole is a generational work of speculative fiction which stands complete at 85,000 words, and draws heavily from mythology and gender theory. It is my first complete work of fiction, though I did write a well-received play for a local theater festival. Thank you for your consideration.

What is a generational work? I've never heard the term.
If this draws heavily from mythology, why don't I recognize any of the story?

I don't care how literary your work is. A query letter needs to tell me WHO the book is about; WHAT happens to them; the CHOICES they have to make; and, the CONSEQUENCES of the decision.

Sincerely,

This is a form rejection.

#110-Revised twice

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 17:48:00 +0000

SECOND REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

The first time Megan tried to kill herself, she was in elementary school. By the time she was in middle school, she began to slip razorblades through her skin. Before she graduated high school, she manically shaved off her eyebrows. She refused to leave her bed for days at a time. She clung to friendships with people who did not exist. She had multiple suicide attempts. She developed a reliance on prescription drugs and an addiction to recreational drugs…

Yet, to her best friend, Angela, nothing ever seemed out of the norm.

ellipses continue a sentence, they don't break a paragraph. You're clearly going for dramatic effect here (which is fine) so I suggest you try it this way:

The first time Megan tried to kill herself, she was in elementary school.
the reason I suggest breaking here is that the idea of a child suicide is pretty shocking

By the time she was in middle school, she ~~began to slip~~ was slipping razorblades through her skin. Before she graduated high school, she ~~manically shaved~~ was shaving off her eyebrows.

The break here is to ease the transition from was -ing verbs to past tense -ed verbs.

She refused to leave her bed for days at a time. She clung to friendships with people who did not exist. She had multiple suicide attempts. She developed a reliance on prescription drugs and an addiction to recreational drugs… yet, to ~~her~~ Megan's best friend, Angela, nothing ever seemed out of the norm.

Put Megan's name in again so we recall it easily when you move to the next paragraph.

INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM looks back at the lives of two teenagers: Megan – a rebellious outsider and diagnosed schizophrenic – and her unlikely best friend, Angela – an introvert who seeks normalcy, but who instead commits herself to the adventures, turmoil and instability that are the result of her most valued friendship.

Ok, right here is where you lose me. Megan doesn't seem rebellious to me. She seems mentally ill. Why does Angela stay friends with someone who is so clearly unbalanced? You can't just say adventures, turmoil and instability. Those are NOT attractive qualities, particularly to someone whom you describe as seeking normalcy (and let's not even get in to how much I loathe that word. It reeks of psycho-jargon to my ear)

The ~~manuscript~~ novel begins when Angela is a twenty-year old college student. She returns home to New Jersey for Christmas, though, despite the inherent cheer of the holiday, cannot celebrate. <---This sentence doesn't make sense. You're missing a word. Rather, her thoughts revolve strictly around the one year anniversary of Megan’s suicide, which falls just days after the holiday.

This is bereft of emotion; it's so detached it feels like you're an observer. Angela is grieving the loss of her friend particularly at the one year anniversary of her death.

While the world around her prepares for Christmas, Angela forces herself to visit a psychologist, where she reflects on her life with Megan. <--- Why? Fueled by her more mature understanding of the inner workings of her childhood, Angela invites the reader to step past the manicured forefront of suburban culture. Here, the reader is able to witness the troubles that haunt today’s youth, the changing role of the American family and the frequently overlooked aspects of childhood mental illness.

This isn't compelling. This is a report. The reader doesn't feel anything. People want to connect emotionally; this fails to do that.

But more, the reader is able to witness the unbreakable friendship that existed between two teenage girls.

Right here in a nutshell is the problem: the reader doesn't witness anything in a good book. The reader is PART of the book. The reader is enfolded into the story right along with the characters. The reader should FEEL what the girls feel, not observe them.

The story is weaved together by a series of brief chapters, which consist of Angela’s fragmented memories of her life with a mentally ill best friend. It is by way of these recollections that she reflects on Megan’s disturbing childhood behaviors. Perhaps more importantly, though, Angela finally begins to reflect on her own adolescent habits. Namely, her tendency to interpret Megan’s increasingly upsetting behaviors as signs of her friend’s creative nature rather than what they really were – the early and complex signs of a troubled and deeply disturbed teenage girl.

I cannot suggest strongly enough that you write very simple declarative sentences in a query letter. Leave out every single extra word. Only when you have the bones -what you absolutely must have for coherence- can you add in what enhances rather the obfuscates the meaning.

Here's what I mean: A series of brief chapters connect the main episodes. The chapters are Angela's memories of Megan. These chapters show Megan realizing she saw Angela as creative rather than troubled. (and then, the problem with that is...what?)

I have worked closely on this project with (redacted) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. Kennedy is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the National Magazine Award (2008). He has described INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”

Unless the agent knows this guy, the endorsement is meaningless. And "worked closely with" can mean a lot of things. You don't need anyone's endorsement for a novel.

I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for the Literary Review. To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals including (redacted) . Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled (redacted) was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology(redacted) . I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including IN STYLE.

INSIDE THIS PURPLE ROOM is my first book-length work.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my writing.

Sincerely,

Still a form rejection.
-------------------------

FIRST REVISION
Dear Query Shark:

Megan is a foul-mouthed, cynical outsider. Her best friend, Angela, is a timid introvert who is willing to do anything her friend suggests. Together, these teenagers have dreams of escaping the limits of their dead-end suburban New Jersey town. But when the signs of a debilitating mental illness begin to surface in one of them, the two must struggle to keep their friendship alive amidst the obstacles presented by illness, growing up and growing apart – even if it means ignoring the disease that ultimately takes one of their lives.

If you want me to care about what happens to either one of these people, you can't sound like you're reciting events in a clinical review.

Inside This Purple Room invites the reader on a journey through childhood mental illness and explores how the unbreakable friendship between two young girls prevented either of them from ever accepting the disease that consumed their lives.

You just said that, only better, in the first paragraph, but you still don't need to say any of it.

At ages twelve and thirteen, Megan and Angela take part in somewhat clichéd rebellious activities: smoking cigarettes, skipping school, sneaking out, stealing their parents’ booze. But as the two prepare to enter high school, Megan’s behaviors become more disturbing. She slips razorblades through her skin. She refuses to leave her bed for days at a time. She manically shaves off her eyebrows. She clings to friendships with people who do not exist.

Focus. Start with the problem: Megan starts slipping razorblades under her skin. She refuses to get up for days at a time. She talks to people who aren't there. Leave out all the other stuff. It's just white noise.

Angela is terrified of loosing the only true friend she’s ever had. As a result of her fear, Angela begins to interpret Megan’s increasingly upsetting behaviors as signs of her friend’s creative nature rather than what they really are: the early and complex signs of a troubled and deeply disturbed teenage girl.

~~But~~ Megan’s illness spirals out of control and leads to a string of suicide attempts, multiple stays in psychiatric wards, frightening delusions, a reliance on prescription drugs, and an addiction to recreational drugs. Angela must try to save her friend without breaking the trust of their friendship, while also attempting to hold onto her dreams of leaving her hometown.

Why does Angela have any responsibility at all for a teenager who is mentally ill? Would she have responsibility if Megan had cancer? No, she wouldn't. If she feels responsible, why isn't someone telling her she's not?

Even when Angela does leave to pursue her college dreams in a quaint New England setting, she is haunted by the dichotomy of her life: lively romps on the campus green one minute, calls from psychiatric ward payphones the next; the innocent pressures of final exams juxtaposed with the more urgent pressures of a friend who continues to threaten her own life.

lively romps on the campus green? What is this Tammy Goes to College?

A coming of age story of two young outsiders, Inside This Purple Room is narrated by Angela and is framed around three of her visits to a psychologist. Here, she returns, via memory, to her adolescent search for normalcy amongst a life defined by illness. In doing so, she finally begins to understand the truth of her childhood and the fact that the disease she watched control her friend’s life was perhaps really shaping and controlling both their lives all along.

You don't need to tell us the structure of the novel. In fact, if you're doing something like telling it in flashbacks it's probably better to let us discover that later.

I have worked closely on this project with Thomas E. Kennedy, MFA, PhD (www.thomasekennedy.com) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. Kennedy is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the National Magazine Award (2008). He has described Inside This Purple Room as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”

I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for (redacted). To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals. Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled “Sunday Morning” was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology In Our Own Words: A Generation Defining Itself (MW Enterprises). I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including In Style.

Inside This Purple Room is my first book-length work. ~~It is fully complete and ready for review upon your request.~~

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.

Sincerely,

In the end we have no sense of these characters. You're talking about them objectively, clinically. You're observing, not showing us.

A query letter needs to be enticing. This isn't.
It's better, but it's still a form rejection.

ORIGINAL
------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

“When people ask me how long I knew Megan was depressed, my answer often varies. Sometimes, I say a year, sometimes five years, sometimes forever and other times I say only for a moment, right towards the end. I try to place my finger on it. Attempt to sort through the mess in my head, carve a path through the clutter and find the minute it all came crashing down. That solitary second that would enable me to place blame, to find a reason, to understand how it all went slip-sliding away from me.
I try to remember the beginning of it all.” – from Inside This Purple Room

Don't start your query with a quote from the book. Never ever. If you want to include a quote (and I don't think you should) put it farther down in the body of the letter so I have some idea of what I'm reading.

To Whom It May Concern:

I'll just assume you're using this rather than Dear Query Shark. Agents LOATH "to whom it may concern" salutations. I'll take Hi Sweetums, or even Hey Nate Dawg, before To Whom it May Concern. You know who you are querying; use his/her name. Dear Reptilian Agent Who's Standing Betwixt Me and Fame is better than TWIMC.

At age twenty, Megan Elizabeth Kelly claimed her life with a bottle of prescription pills. One year later, her closest friend began a journey to put back together the pieces of both their lives.

She didn't claim her life. She took it. The phrase"claim a life" is used with things like illness or war or the action of a third party. When you use it here, it sounds pretentious.

~~My first book-length manuscript,~~Inside This Purple Room, chronicles the lives of two teenage girls and their search for identity and friendship amidst a debilitating and ultimately fatal mental illness that surfaces in one of them.

The fact this is your first book doesn't have anything to do with what you write next. Move that to the closing paragraph. It's not the most important thing to know.

Throughout Inside This Purple Room, the narrator returns, via memory, to her adolescent search for normalcy amongst a life defined by illness. In doing so, she reaches new insights about her youth while coming to terms with her blemished past; but perhaps, more importantly, she begins to find meaning from the pain of her experience that: “Sometimes, in the end, even love is not enough.”

"amongst a life defined by illness" misuses among. I think you mean amidst. Even then, can't you say this a bit more simply? Elegant writing is clean, uncluttered.

Use the narrator's name. Use specific examples.

Even love is not enough is a cliche.

The story is framed around three visits to a psychologist in which the narrator reflects on the memories of her youth that shattered in the height of crisis. Through these recollections, the narrator invites the reader to travel back down the familiar roads of childhood to experience a first-hand account of the pressures facing young girls today, the changing face of the American family and the increase and implications of recreational and prescription drug use amongst our nation’s youth; it is by way of these fragmented scenes that the reader begins to question, along with the narrator, if the rise of mental illness in our nation is something that is born or bred.

You're telling us the same thing in this paragraph that you did in the preceding one, and it's not more illuminating. It's all very general. Who is the narrator? What happens to her? Why will we care about her? Those are the questions I ask when I read a query.

You're also not talking about the story. It sounds like an op-ed piece. That's deadly in a novel.

Inside This Purple Room asks the reader to step past the manicured forefront of suburban American culture to witness an unbreakable friendship formed in the height of a dysfunctional childhood characterized by obsessive lies, manic hallucinations, emotional outbursts, exhausting psychiatric visits and disturbing patterns of self-mutilation. In doing so, the reader joins the narrator as she embarks on a passage to make meaning of the illness that interrupted her formative years, took captive her friend’s existence, and introduced them both to life’s painful realities during a time that should have been plagued by innocence.

You're awash in generalities here. The first sentence in this two sentence paragraph has 46 words. The second has 48. When I read a query and see this kind of writing, I know this is what I'll see in the novel itself. There's a place for long-ass sentences in books. Generally speaking it's not back to back.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, it is estimated that one in four adults – approximately 57.7 million Americans – suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. Similarly, suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in the U.S., and the third leading cause of death for individuals aged 10-24 years. Thus, issues similar to those found in my text have touched the lives of many individuals in varying age groups.

All of which means nothing. The story has to come first. The story is the only thing I consider. If it helps illuminate an issue I care about (deeply) that's good, but didacticism doesn't work well in fiction.

Readers have a long history of interest in these topics, based on the success of both fiction and nonfiction texts such as The Bell Jar, Girl Interrupted, Prozac Diary and Prozac Nation, among others; however, to date, many of these texts have been crafted by individuals/narrators who have themselves survived private battles with mental illness. Currently, there is a void in the market for texts that explore mental illness and suicide from an outsider/survivor’s perspective. Inside This Purple Room fills this void, adding a unique voice and fresh commentary to the tapestry of illness narratives.

You're dead wrong about the dearth of books by outsiders:

Broken Glass by Robert Hine
Mad House by Clea Simon
The Normal One by Jeanne Safer
My Sister's Keeper by Margaret Moorman

and this is just a quick survey of Amazon with the key words "mental illness."

And you don't need this kind of comparison title search in a query about a novel. (Non-fiction, yes, novel no) Your story is yours.

Though sorrowful, Inside This Purple Room is also laced with optimism and, for this reason, I believe will be marketable to a range of audiences. The text was crafted with adult audiences in mind, however, may appeal to younger readers as well who will relate to the lives and circumstances of my manuscript’s two main characters.

Leave all this out. It's telling not showing.

The manuscript is 47,000 words and fully complete; at this word count, it is brief enough not to be cost-prohibitive to most publishing houses. I have worked closely on this project with (redacted) who urged me to begin to submit this manuscript. Kennedy is the author of more than twenty books and the recipient of the (redacted) He has described Inside This Purple Room as “honed to excellence… and is in my opinion as an editor and writer of many books, of publishable quality… [It] is well-written, moving, insightful, and wise – sorrowful but tempered with hope and very relevant to our times – and most importantly, a pleasure to read.”

Well, he forgot to tell you that 47,000 words is about half the size of a novel. You need another 13,000 words to get to the minimum word count for a novel, and you'd do better to double it.

And don't worry about a publisher's cost for producing the book. That applies only to book with photographs or lots of illustrations. In fact, a short book is harder to sell because publishers need to charge hard cover prices for what looks like a small book.

I am a part-time faculty member at (redacted) where I teach writing. I have a Master of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing: Nonfiction and am a reader for (redacted) To date, my essays, poems and interviews, as well as chapters excerpted from my manuscript, have appeared in a number of literary and arts journals. Additionally, a chapter from my manuscript titled “Sunday Morning” was recently selected for inclusion in the anthology (redacted). I have held positions with New York and New England based book publishers and have completed freelance projects for multiple companies and publications, including In Style. Though Inside This Purple Room will be my first major publication, I feel strongly that my fierce dedication to the writing process as well as my professionalism will make me a desirable client. And, of
course, I believe strongly in the potential of this project.

A coming of age story of two young outsiders, Inside This Purple Room investigates the often-ugly interior of the highly sought American dream. Through a series of relived stories, painful visits to childhood haunts and recounted memories, the narrator learns to understand the truth of her childhood, and, in doing so, begins to realize the disease that overtook her friend’s life, the one which she believed only existed for a moment in time, was perhaps really there, thriving and growing more powerful, and shaping both their lives, all along.

Uh..what is this doing here? It restates something you already mentioned and you've put it after what's essentially the closing paragraph.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. May I send you a copy of the completed manuscript?

Sincerely,

This is too short for a novel, and I don't have a sense of who the novel is about. There's nothing that connects me to the characters, and thus I don't care about them.

Focus on the actual story. SHOW me what the story is about don't tell me how important it is.

This is a form rejection.

Help from another source

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:00:00 +0000

The QueryShark swam by a very helpful blog today. Don't be misled by the "tweet" in the title; it's not about how to query via Twitter.

Any query writer would do well to start with what is essentially an index of essential components for a good query and then refine it into a pitch.

I'm pretty sure you'll see me quoting this again. I think it's sterling advice.

#109

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 20:42:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Set in France, ONE WAY TO PARIS is one woman’s voyage to the outer limits of her comfort zone.

In a short form work like a query letter, every single word counts. It's almost like a prose poem, and probably more difficult to write; not that I've written a query letter or a prose poem!

That means you don't want to waste words. This sentence does that. It doesn't tell us anything more specific than the title and setting, the second of which we intuit from the paragraphs that follow, the first of which can be mentioned at the end.

Always always start with what the book is about.

Do you sometimes dream of leaving the United States behind and experiencing the city of lights, its joie de vivre, its gourmet food, its magic? Would you then consider renting out a room in a beautiful ancient house in the heart of Paris?

I'm confused. "Renting out" is what landlords to. "Renting a room in Paris" is what tenants do. This implies I'm the landlord, but if I'm also leaving the US behind and experiencing Paris, it sounds like I'm the tenant.

Abandon the "you" construction. Start with Annie. The story is about her.

Annie has no choice but to bank on it. Bankruptcy has reared its ugly snout and if she is to keep her beloved house, she has to find renters, and quick. No need to trumpet all the details of the woman she has become, and even less need to get into what exactly happened the night her husband was killed.

Let's forget the background of how she came to this point and get on to what the story is about.

Lured by Annie's ad, which promises them to ‘Start over in Paris’ -- a concept Annie has no intention of applying to her own life -- the tenants bring the kind of baggage that doesn’t fit neatly in suitcases. Lola, the model is hiding from her husband and has abducted their children, Althea is clearly anorexic and Jared might very well be a drug addict. And then there is Lucas, Annie’s blue-blooded, Lanvin-wearing tenacious friend who simply refuses to be scared away
by her bad attitude.

So, why is she reaching out for people who want to start over? With all the people who want to visit Paris, why exactly would she want applications from the Dirty Dozen? Why doesn't she just advertise in the AAR newsletter for query-sharked agents who need a vacation?

The story can't just be these characters arrive cause you need them there (unless you are Pirandello of course.) They have to arrive for a reason that makes sense to the story, and Annie has to rent to them for reasons that make sense to the story.

Annie’s protected universe is soon threatened in more ways than she had anticipated. When she finds herself reluctantly but actively engaged in the rescue of her tenants, Annie discovers that she might just save herself in the process.

Protected universe? What? I though she was facing bankruptcy and unfortunate inquiries from les flics re le mort de monsieur.

Thank you for considering my work. ~~The manuscript of~~ ONE WAY TO PARIS is completed and 96,000 words long.

~~Please do not hesitate to contact me and I’ll gladly forward the material you need.~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

(redacted)

DON'T FORGET YOUR CONTACT INFO!!!!!!!! (even if I redact it for the Shark attack, make a habit of inserting it)

This is a mess right now, but you actually have an interesting idea. Revise this to tell what the story is first.

This is one of those form rejections I always feel bad about cause there's probably something good in there but I can't see it yet.

This is the exact kind of query that prompted me to start this blog.

#108 REVISED THRICE!

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 07:27:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five individuals on a metaphysical journey from death to healing and beyond.

Four tragedies — a crash; a gun-point rape; cancer; a fire — befall four souls. When three of the victims find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different — a devout Muslim consumed by his rage, an impatient Hindu who flaunts her youthful sexuality, and an Irish Catholic whose beauty and motherhood have been ravished — could meet in a place that lies between life and death.

As they cast back and re-live their stories with new honesty, Dr. Abraham’s patients find empathy for their living selves and for one another. But the final session begins with a jolt. Instead of their trusted guide, the fourth victim enters and takes charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth from everyone, including the deeply imperfect Dr. Abraham.

Stunned by his healing power, Faust realizes that he did not become a demon in the hell-fire that killed his father. He too is a soul. Finally, with clarity and spiritual unity, all five earn their passage from the healer’s chamber. The souls are released – to the arms of deceased of loved ones, to voluntary service in the chamber for newly acquainted soul-mates, and, for one, back to life.

~~I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. The techniques of Abraham and Faust are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy.~~ The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.

I don't think of academic writing as a persuasive publishing credit for trade fiction. This is your call though if you want to include it. The reason I wouldn't is that I have an (perhaps irrational) prejudice against academic writing.

At this stage I'm not concerned with whether the techniques are accurate. I'm only concerned with whether you can write well and the story sounds interesting.

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.

This is a lot better. It's still a little dry for my taste but I'm not the right agent for this**, so zipping it up for me isn't a good idea.

I think this is ready for a test run. Good luck!

**novels about inner explorations aren't my strength. I'm more likely to seek out novels about external conflict. Give me a car chase any day.
------------------------------------------------------
SECOND REVISION
Dear Query Shark,

The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five lives in a metaphysical journey from death to healing and beyond.

Four tragedies – a crash; a rape; cancer; a fire -- befall four souls. When Mohammad, Joy, and Mary find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa—could meet in a place that lies between life and death. And why is the fourth chair empty?

As they cast back and re-live their stories with new honesty, Dr. Abraham’s patients face the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. Together they journey from the healer’s chamber, through its portal, to the moment where their souls are cleansed and released.

But the final session is not conducted by their trusted guide. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, enters and takes charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not only from Mohammad, Joy, and, Mary, but also from Dr. Abraham.

Stunned by his healing power, Faust realizes that he did not become a demon in the hell-fire that killed his father. He too is a soul. With truth comes release to a place that none could have imagined.

I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. The techniques of Abraham and Faust are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.

Sincerely,

We've seen their death is a tragedy, but why do they need to look at their lives with new honesty? What delusions did they have? You describe them (a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa) in a way that doesn't make me see them as deluded or self-deceiving in any way.

This is much better, but I still don't have a sense of the characters as other than one-dimensional. Because they're one-dimensional, I don't care what happens to them. Because I don't care, I'm not enticed to read more and find out what happens.

-----------------------------
First Revision:

Dear Query Shark,

The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored weaves an inspiring story of five journeys from death to healing and beyond.

Four tragedies – a crash; a rape; cancer; a fire -- befall four souls. When Mohammad, Joy, and Mary find themselves in Dr. Abraham’s elegant office, they wonder how people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags of Karma and eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like the Mona Lisa—could meet in a place that lies between life and death. And why is the fourth chair empty?

As they relive their stories, they must face the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. Together they journey from the healer’s chamber, through its portal, to the moment where their souls are cleansed and released.

But their final session is not conducted by their trusted guide. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, is now in charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not just from Mohammad, Joy, and Mary, but from the fifth trapped soul, Dr. Abraham himself. With truth comes release to a place that none could not have imagined.

Ok, how exactly is this inspiring? (Remember your first sentence?)

You've got an odd mix of tone here. The name Dr. Faust of course evokes some sort of pact with the devil, so I'm left wondering if this book is about choices (Faustian bargains) and if so what they are.

I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. Dr. Abraham's techniques are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) is my first work of fiction.

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships and psychology, I think you might be interested in my novel. Thanks in advance for considering it. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.

Sincerely,

This is better than the original by a long shot, but I still really don't have a sense of the story here. I still see it described as four characters talking about themselves. We need more sense of what happens and what the stakes are.

This is still a form rejection.
--------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

I watched Mary Mack, whom you represent, on YouTube, and based on her discussion and your appreciation of books that explore human relationships and psychology, I think you might be interested in my novel, The Healer's Chamber: A Tale of Souls Restored. ~~It's~~ is an inspiring story of five interlocking journeys from tragedy to healing and beyond.

Lead with the most persuasive thing. It's never ever where you found the agent's name. If you want to include that (and some agents do like to have it in a query) put it at the bottom. Start with what you've written.

A crash; a fire; a rape; cancer -- four tragedies befall four souls. But when Mohammad Irani, Joy Han, and Mary Josephson find themselves in Dr. Isaac Abraham's elegant office, they wonder why people so different—a Muslim who revered his stern father, a Hindu who brags that Karma will bring eternal pleasure, and a devout Irish Catholic with a smile like Mona Lisa—would come together in such a place. And why is the fourth chair empty?

This is character soup. You don't need to describe AND name them. You can get away with only descriptions ("a Muslim, a Hindu, a devout Catholic") because in this case it appears their religions are actually important to the story.

Their careworn Jewish psychiatrist welcomes them. "You are here to be healed, but my therapy requires that you believe you may in fact have died. You must believe it is possible that we are together in this place until the end of time."

I'm sorry, but this sounds like Hell. Sartre's kind of hell. (He famously said "hell is other people") We need to get something in these earlier paragraphs that is more intriguing than four people doing therapy to the end of time.

As they reveal their memories inside "The Healer's Chamber," Mohammad, Joy, and Mary confront the pain they have suffered and the suffering they have inflicted on others. All wait for what Dr. Abraham calls "the Portal session," when their stories are fully told, and their souls are restored to a pristine state.

I don't know what you mean here.

But that final session is not conducted by their trusted healer. Instead, the fourth victim, the young man who was to have occupied the vacant chair, is now in charge. Burned and scarred, with eyes like Satan, he calls himself Dr. Faust. The force of Faust’s will extracts the final measure of truth not just from Mohammad, Joy, and Mary, but from Dr. Abraham himself.

So this book really is just people telling their stories to a therapist, and then having them break down when confronted by someone who's introduced late in the book?

I'm a psychologist with a PhD and two college textbooks to my credit. Dr. Abraham's techniques are drawn from my knowledge of group therapy. The Healer's Chamber (82,000 words) has been professionally edited. It is my first work of fiction, and it is ready to go.

I really don't like to hear that your book has been professionally edited. For me, it's not the persuasive piece of information you think it is. You think it says "my book is polished and ready to go."

What I infer is "your book was polished by someone else and god help us when we get to the edit letter from the editor, and you don't know how to do this stuff"

Freelance editors tell you a book needs to be edited before agents will look at it. What they are doing is selling their services. Only one of my clients employed an editor and that was for non-fiction.

All my novelists write, revise, and edit their own books.

You can employ all the editors you want, but it's best to leave it OUT of the query letter for a novel.

Thanks in advance for considering my novel. Below is the first page, followed by a synopsis.

Sincerely,

There's no hook here, no compelling reason that makes me want to read this.

Who is the protagonist here? Who is the antagonist? What conflict or choices do these people face? What are the consequences if they make one choice, or the other?

Being able to tell me this in a query letter gives me a map for reading the book, a sense of where I'm going. Without it, we're floundering.

This is a form rejection.

#107

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:19:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Shattered Ceiling is a 82,000 word political thriller set in Louisville, Kentucky, and Washington, D.C.

Former juvenile delinquent turned P.I. Jo Grant tracks a client’s runaway daughter to a feminist commune in the hollows of Kentucky. The missing girl is an unwitting pawn in a U.S. Senator’s scheme to frame his popular opponent for a staged assassination attempt – on himself. Jo discovers an ex-Vietnam sniper, furious at military funding cuts, out to kill the Senator for real, but Jo’s dicey past prevents the authorities from believing her. As bodies pile up, Jo races to extricate her clients, foil the Senator’s plot, and stop the real assassin.

How did she get a PI license if she has such a dicey past? And what military funding cuts? There's a war on now; this sounds like it was written for 1992. You're focused on the protagonist, but the story sounds like it's about the Senator's evil plans. You might want to start with that. Given the reelection rate of incumbents is about 98%, you need a reason this Senator thinks he's going to lose if he doesn't wag the dog**.

I am(redacted) of Sisters in Crime and a founding board member of the (redacted) Writers’ Festival.

Thank you for your time and consideration of my work. The full manuscript and a SASE envelope are included.

Whoa! Never include a full manuscript with a query. NEVER. The purpose of a query is to see if the agent wants to receive the ms at all. Unsolicited fulls are discarded, unread (at least when I get them, they are!)
And it's just SASE (not SASE envelope.) SASE stands for S~~tamped,~~ S~~elf~~ A~~ddressed~~ E~~nvelope.~~ err...yes, the shark choked up: it's of course Self Addressed, Stamped Envelope.

Thank goodness for sharp eyed readers who post comments!

Sincerely yours,

Response: There's nothing to grab on to here. I have no sense of the characters other than Jo is an ex-juvenile delinquent. No sense of the stakes (so what if the Senator loses, throw all the bums out, I say) and a lot of very standard description (races to, bodies pile up). Form rejection.

***If you haven't seen Wag the Dog, you're missing a truly hilarious send up of politics.

#106

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:07:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

WHISTLE BRITCHES is a southern term of endearment for boys with more energy than sense ~~and who talk to hear their heads rattle.~~

Is "talk to hear their heads rattle" another southern turn of phrase? It jars me because heads don't rattle.

This middle-grade historical fiction set in Tullahoma, Tennessee in the summer of 1963 when the battles ravaging the land a century earlier were still felt, the Civil Rights Movement heated up, and the death count of the Vietnam Conflict started to climb.

This is an awkward sentence. It's also missing a verb.
The tense of the verbs seems off too: ARE still felt (not were), is heating up (not heated) and has started to climb.

I'm all for colorful writing, and I'll let you break every rule in the book, should that be your desire, but it's got to sound polished when you're done. This doesn't.

I'm not convinced that a middle grade book set in 1963 is considered "historical" but I'm not going to stop reading cause you categorize something in a way I think is wrong.

It's the awkward writing that will stop me cold.

When Will sees a WWI hero spit upon in his casket by the widow, his ten-year-old imagination spews out like a shaken co-cola.

Imagination spews out? Metaphors should illuminate, not confuse the reader.

Sent to his intense and serious grandmother as a punishment for his overactive imagination, Will sees another side to her.

whoa! I'm confused. We're not at the funeral with a spitting widow? That's just preliminary to the story? Get that OUT of the query. Focus on the heart of the story.

He also meets George Beatty, an old handyman, who has no schooling to speak of, but is the smartest man Will's ever met.

I'm afraid we've sunk into stereotypes and cliches now. The heart of gold, school of life handyman is such a stock figure that you must do something fresh and original with him to make him a compelling character.

Tullahoma in 1963 is a small town in which blacks and whites don't mix. But the kindness Will experiences on the other side of the tracks surprises him, especially because the hatred he observes in his grandmother's white Protestant church is such a contrast.

Will’s predicaments, his adversities, and the evasive nature of hope challenge him in formidable ways.

The evasive nature of hope? That's a phrase so awkward I don't know if it's hope or nature that's evasive.

I've been a magazine editor, ghostwriter, author, and nonfiction agent (for fifteen years). I now help my wife (a teacher and reading specialist) develop books in the education market. She is the co- author of (redacted).

Uh..no. No no no. Helping your spouse, of either gender, is not a publication credit.

WHISTLE BRITCHES is the first of several middle-grade novels I hope to write ...

this sentences implies you have not written it. I sincerely hope this is not the case.

...and for which I'm seeking representation. As a recording artist of folk and children’s songs (six music CDs for -redacted-to be released May 28th), I hope to help promote WHISTLE BRITCHES and other forthcoming books by visiting schools for performances and readings.

Thank you for your consideration.

Reply: awkward writing, cliche and stock characters spell form rejection.

#105-amended critique

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:31:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

~~In my novel, Both Sides Burning,~~ Stephen Latimer is on the wrong side of history. ~~The setting is the beginning~~ At the start of the American Revolution, Latimer is a Loyalist, banished for his refusal to embrace the rebellion sweeping the American colonies. But instead of going quietly, he attacks his Patriot neighbor, the man he blames for his misfortune. He lands in Connecticut’s notorious Newgate Prison, sentenced to ten years in the dismal underground caverns.

I'm interested right away because the Loyalist perspective is different than the usual POV I see in historical novels. What puzzles me is that he's banished for his refusal to embrace the rebellion. A lot of Loyalists lived in the Colonies right up to the end of the war. It wasn't a crime to be a Loyalist. So, why is he banished? And why does he blame his neighbor?

NEW: There's a comment below that talks about the laws in Connecticut specifically. Including THAT specific info in this query will strengthen it.

NEW: I've seen this kind of thing before in historicals: a fact that isn't well known is the basis for a plot or a character. I read it and wonder if it's accurate. A line of explanation in the query letter would have been really useful.

(Loyalist info link here)

A couple more sentences here will help set the scene, maybe even just a few more words.

He engineers a daring escape, and as the smallpox epidemic of 1775-76 stalks the countryside, he makes his way home. He intends to retrieve his savings and take refuge with his brother on Long Island. (Fully half of New York is Loyalist so this makes sense) ~~But a~~ A chance encounter with his neighbor’s daughter, whose family is ravaged by smallpox, will change the course of both their lives, and cause him to question where his allegiance really lies.

I am a former radio and TV news reporter with an Emmy nomination for feature writing. I now work for the public library in (redacted), and sit on the executive board of the (redacted) Library Association. I believe Both Sides Burning will appeal to readers who enjoyed the adventure and romance of Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series.

whoa. Hang on here. Outlander is set in Scotland in the 1700's right? It's about time travel, isn't it? This seems like a jarring comparison.

***After reading the comments section, I'm going to change my advice here. If you want to compare it to Diana Gabaldon's books you might consider adding that the later books in her series are historicals set in this time period. I don't think you can assume agents know that (I read the first books in the series several years back so I had the wrong impression here)

Both Sides Burning is my first novel. It is 139,000 words.

Yowza! 139,000 words is about 39,000 too many. I'm going to STRONGLY suggest that you get someone with an eye for slicing, dicing and paring to take a good look at this. Even if you like long ass books (and historicals can run long, this can probably be chopped by 20,000 words and be an easier sell)

~~I would be happy to send you the completed manuscript or a synopsis and sample chapters. This is a multiple submission.~~

You don't need these sentences. Use the space for more description in the first paragraph.

Thank you for your consideration.
Regards,

I'd probably read pages on this one but I'm concerned that it's too long and there's not enough story. I like the concept though.

#103

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:18:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

A dash of snark meets dark in UNLEASHING YOUR INNER SEX DEMON, my 90,000 word humorous paranormal romance.

I'm not sure this query will survive my spam filters. If you're querying via email you MUST put QUERY in the subject line so that if "inner sex demon" triggers the filters, the agent will recognize it's a query when she goes slogging through the spam.

Beautician Lucia Gregory has a problem, but this time it's not bunion ridden pedicures or a perm gone horribly wrong. This time it's much more serious. Who would have thought opening a simple chest could unleash the bowels of hell? Then again, when the chest is clearly labeled Arca de Inferni (Chest of the Damned) she really should have known better. Overnight, she turns into a sexpot. Men who would never give her the time of day, including her gay coworkers, throw themselves at her feet. Then she meets Rafael, a darkly sexy man claiming to be a demon. He isn't like other men, that¹s for sure. Instead of groveling at her feet like the others, he remains distant and aloof. When he tells her she's a sex-demon, she doesn't know whether to laugh hysterically or be horribly mortified.

Opening a chest/unleash the bowels of hell? Um. Demon diarrhea? This may not be the visual you want. I don't think you need to be quite so specific. Maybe it's just me but I have a visual of cardiac surgery and colostomy bags here, and believe me, that's NOT what you want.

Oh wait. It's not a thoracic chest. It's a portmanteau chest. Got it. Took me three reads to get that. Again, that's not what you want.

She can open a cask, a barrel, a vault, a jewelbox or a box of caramel corn if you want, but you need a word that doesn't evoke chest meaning body part. I think the reason I was confused was because of the body imagery before that. (toes, hair etc)

Rafael Deleon, a Guardian Demon, is hell-bent on retrieving the Arca de Inferni. If it ends up in the wrong person's possession, they will have the power to take over the world. When he tracks the chest to a suburban hair studio, he can't believe what else he finds--a beautiful succubus who has no idea of the power she possesses. As a demon, he should be able to resist her charms. But the closer she gets to him, the more attracted to her he becomes.

However, the leader of the Infernati, an evil sect of demons, has his own plans. He needs the chest and Lucy so he can finally control Earth. Rafe is determined to protect Lucy, who'd rather go out with guns blazing. Sparks fly as both are unable to fight their growing attraction. Who would've known saving the world could be so much fun?

UNLEASHING YOUR INNER SEX DEMON has been named a finalist in several RWA sponsored contests. I am a member of Romance Writers of America, Mid Michigan Romance Writers and several special interest chapters. ~~I am also involved in a critique group where I have the opportunity to work with several published authors.~~ (that's nice but irrelevant)

If you are interested, I will gladly send you either the first three chapters or the complete manuscript. I appreciate your time and consideration.

Respectfully,

If I was looking for paranormal romance, I'd probably read pages here despite the flaws. A query letter doesn't have to be perfect (this one isn't) but it does have to have verve and voice. This one does.

#102

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:02:00 +0000

Dear X,

A few months ago you requested pages from my paranormal YA novel, X. Although you passed on that project, you wrote, “I'd like to see you tackle a YA project that has some supernatural elements but without having the majority of the story take place in an unfamiliar world.” You invited me to query you again with my future projects. I took your advice and wrote my new novel, SEVENTH SON.

Bento is a handsome fifteen-year old boy living secretly in the jungles of Argentina. ~~But~~ when local villagers try to burn him alive and end his looming werewolf curse, Bento escapes to New Jersey with the help of a friend. He must discover the truth about his bloodline to control the beast stirring inside him and learn to trust himself before it devours his soul and the girl he has come to love.

I'm not sure what a looming werewolf curse is. Do you mean impending? And how is he living secretly? Alone? Raised by wolves?

Most of this probably won't matter since this agent X has already expressed interest in your work. Your job in this query letter is simply not to sound like a raving maniac; most likely X is going to read pages unless you scare her off.

My 43,310 word paranormal YA novel, SEVENTH SON, explores not only Bento’s werewolf monster, but also the monsters we all keep hidden. It is written in the alternating voices of Bento and his girlfriend, Clarissa.

I have attended many SCBWI sponsored conferences, as well as Writer's Boot Camp, and online classes. I’ve written monthly articles for (redacted) Magazine. I participated as a nominated mentee in the (redacted) Workshop and was fortunate to work with author, Joyce McDonald as my mentor. In the past, I was represented by (redacted.) In the midst of projects he decided to give up the agent life, leading me to contact you.

Whoa. I though you were contacting her cause she'd passed on other stuff and invited you to resend new stuff. Be consistent.

Sincerely,

#101-revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 04:27:00 +0000

REVISION:

Dear Query Shark:

Toni Matthew’s life is almost perfect. She’s a top-producing real estate agent, is engaged to a man who loves her even though she’s hardheaded as hell, and has finally begun to overcome the trust issues she has suffered since being abandoned by her mother.

This is all superfluous. Get to the story.

~~But~~ Toni’s next-to-perfect life begins to come apart when, two days before the wedding, her fiancé, Scott, plunges to his death from the top of a new hotel. Toni knows the man she loved would never jump. However, after the medical examiner rules Scott’s death a suicide, the police detective assigned to the case won’t investigate any further.

Refusing to accept the ruling, Toni retraces Scott’s last few days, looking for a reason someone would want him dead. When she discovers a spreadsheet on a hidden flash drive, she realizes the list of addresses and columns of numbers may lead her to the answer.

Why? I look at spread sheets/royalty statements every day. What information in that document would provide a motive for murder? (I have several suggestions, all involving reserve against returns, but that's another matter entirely)

After an unknown driver forces Toni’s car off the road and into the river, she decides to let the killer think she’s dead. Deciphering the spreadsheet while keeping out of sight may be next to impossible. But Toni won’t give up until she finds the truth.

There's just nothing here that makes me want to read this. Faceless enemies, unknown problems, and a main character we have know nothing about except she has trust issues with her mother, and her dead fiancee thought she was stubborn.

My thriller, NECESSARY VENGEANCE, runs 77,000 words and is my first novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the complete manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is better, but it's still not compelling. A query letter needs to elicit "I want to read more" and this doesn't.

Who is the antagonist? What are the stakes? Be specific. Find a compelling reason for someone to read this book and use that in your query.

And if you can't, time think the unthinkable: it might not be a problem with your query letter. It might be a problem with the actual book. I've seen that more than once.

--------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Two days before his wedding, real estate developer, Scott Chadwick, plunges from the top floor of a hotel under construction in Nashville, Tennessee. Was his death suicide, or murder?

Opening with a guy who is dead on page one focuses our attention on the wrong person.

His fiancée, real estate agent, Toni Matthews, won’t give up until she finds the answer.

You need to start with Toni: Toni Matthews fiance plunges to his death just two days before the wedding. Was it suicide or murder?

The other problem is that it's not obvious why Toni would investigate. Where are the police? Even in traditional or cozy mysteries with amateur sleuths, there needs to be a reason for their sleuthing.

Others will go to any lengths to ensure the truth stays buried.

Oh yikes. Cliche! And why is anyone worried about Toni? Does she have super detection skills?

After an unknown driver forces Toni’s car off the road and into the river, she decides to play dead. While in hiding, she races to uncover the killers’ identities. If they find her first, she’ll be dead for real.

Races to uncover the killer's identities is a terrible cliche. And what is Toni racing? The clock? The midnight train from Georgia?

My thriller, NECESSARY VENGEANCE, runs 77,000 words. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the complete manuscript.

There's nothing compelling here. For all I know from this I might be glad Scott is dead and Toni might be next. There's nothing here that gives me a sense that I'd care about anything that happened to them.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Form rejection

#100-revised and improved!

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 17:07:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

~~For Christmas,~~ when he was nine, Christopher asked Santa for a puppy. His parents asked for a daughter.

You really only ask Santa for stuff at Christmas, so you don't need the For Christmas. It also makes the two sentences stronger when you don't start with a short clause. Particularly in YA and middle grade books, you've really got to have a good ear for the rhythm of the sentences since you've got so few words to work with.

The sister he’d never wanted disappeared one beautiful summer day, stolen ~~out of his grasp~~ by three men; none over four feet tall, with long dark hair and eyes the color of deep woods, brown and ancient.

And very pointed ears.

Frosty is a 55,000-word young-adult novel about the children of Santa Claus and the civil war threatening Christmas. To rescue his sister, Christopher and his friends will join forces with an elf and a Shaman as they cross Siberia searching for the North Pole.

I am a member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators ~~and have served as a Judge for the (redacted) Writing Competition.~~

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

Much better.
---------------------------------
Dear Query Shark;

I don’t believe there’s anything on earth I wouldn’t give to be twelve again. Or thirteen. Even fourteen. But fifteen?

No.

For Christmas, when I was nine, I asked Santa for a puppy. My parents asked for a daughter.

I called her Frosty.

The sister I’d never wanted disappeared one beautiful summer day, stolen out of my grasp by three men. None over four feet tall, dressed all in green, with long dark hair and eyes the color of deep woods, brown and ancient.

And very pointed ears.

At this point, I've stopped reading the query letter, and started reading the pages you've sent. Oh wait, you didn't. Well, ok, I'm emailing you asking for pages.

What I like: the concept.
What I also like: the crisp tone.

A modern twist on the legends and myths of elves, the North Pole and Christmas, Frosty is a 55,000-word young-adult novel about the children of Santa Claus. Raised in the world of humans, ignorant of their parents, they are kept safe from the rebellion threatening to destroy the elves until the war comes to them.

uh oh.
All that crisp tone? Gone.

To rescue his sister, Christopher, his best friends Jack and Mary, and the new girl in school, Sara will join forces with an elf and a Shaman as they cross Siberia searching for the North Pole. Along the way, they will discover the truth about each other as well as the history of Christmas. Faced with insurmountable obstacles, the six friends will battle an army, fall in love, and discover that the greatest gift of all is to bring joy to children.

You'll be better off using "band of friends" rather than names (name soup). "Discover the truth about each other" is a cliche. "insurmountable obstacles" is a cliche.

It's better to be as specific as you can: rescue his sister is pretty specific. That's pretty much all you'll need to keep my attention.

~~While I am unpublished,~~ I am a member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and have served as a Judge for the Savannah, GA Children's Book Festival Writing Competition. I am also Editor of the Beacon, the newsletter of the Boston-area Mensa group.

Mensa. Oh man. Leave that out.
There's simply no way to mention Mensa membership without sounding pretentious. I'm not saying you are pretentious, I'm sure you're very nice but in a query letter it just makes me roll my eyes.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to hearing from you.

(contact info redacted)

I'd definitely read pages on this even though the query letter could stand some tweaking.

#98-revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 07:19:00 +0000

REVISION:

Dear Query Shark,

Sixteen-year-old loner Scott Foster spends his free time programming and writing science fiction stories. After the death of his infant sister, Scott's parents join an extremist religious sect that promises eternal life in a misguided effort to rebuild their lives and marriage.

Scott is the sole atheist in a congregation which believes that science, free thought, and disbelief are heretical. Though Scott opposes the church's views, he's afraid to tell his parents and risk alienating them. Still, he's horrified to see his parents become different people as they unquestioningly accept the church's radical beliefs.

When Scott's parents find that he is cutting himself (for reasons even Scott doesn't understand), they send Scott to a psychologist. Though initially unwilling to discuss his problems, Scott's loneliness overcomes his reluctance. Asked by his psychologist to keep a diary, Scott writes the story of his sister's death, his parents' conversion to born-again fundamentalism, and the reasons for his lifelong introversion. Scott's journal and his short stories intertwine with his day-to-day life to illustrate his frustration with a family that prizes civility and repression over emotional health.

Scott tries to find religious equilibrium with his parents, attempts to befriend a geeky classmate, and begins to accept his sister's death. As pressures from church and school build, his psychiatric sessions and increasingly sardonic short stories become outlets for his loneliness and frustration.

"The Dead Rise", a 70,000-word young adult novel and my first book, is a snapshot of the isolation of funerals, dogma, and high school. As an atheist who attended a fundamentalist church for two years, I've felt the isolation of disbelief in the midst of public scrutiny.

Per your submission requirements, below are the first (x) pages of the book. ~~I am currently querying a handful of agents.~~ Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yup, that works. I'm going to ask for pages on this because of the story. I"m not in love with the very removed, bystander voice in the query letter, but I'm still going to read pages.

-----------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

~~"The Dead Rise", a 50,000-word young adult novel and my first book, is a snapshot of the loneliness of death, ideology, and high school.~~

Scott Foster, sophomore and closet atheist, spends his free time programming and writing science fiction stories. After Scott's infant sister dies, his parents join a fundamentalist church in an effort to rebuild their lives and marriage.

Why is he a closet atheist? Were his parents in a more mainstream church before their daughter's death? What attracts them to the more charismatic church? Why ISN'T Scott attracted to it?

Scott's diary entries and short stories intertwine to illustrate a week in Scott's life: increasing pressure from his parents and friends to convert to their religion; his crush on high school princess Laura Hope; his continuing struggles to come to terms with his sister's death and his worries about his parents' new beliefs.

As introvert Scott muddles through the banalities of high school and his dubiety of religion, he attempts to understand his parents' faith, compose an essay for the school's first annual creative writing contest, and connect to another high school outcast.

As an atheist who attended a fundamentalist church for two years, I wrote "The Dead Rise" to describe the isolation of disbelief in the midst of faith.

uh oh. You better be writing it to tell a compelling story. That's always the start of a good novel. All that other illuminating stuff is secondary.

Thank you for considering my book, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

The concept is more interesting than the writing. You don't quite have a compelling narrative voice here. You're talking about Scott rather than showing us what he feels. I think you may be biting off more than you can chew by trying to do this all in a single week.

I'd probably read this just cause I like the idea, but more often than not these ok, I'll give it a try end up being rejected at the partial stage cause they're not fully realized yet.

But, I'd read this.

#97-revision

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 07:02:00 +0000

Revision:

Dear Query Shark:

Good Mother Lizard, a literary coming-of-age novel set in the late 1970’s in New York and Montana, centers on Phoebe Gray, an imaginative paleontology student, who wants nothing more than to be a scientist, like her grandmother. She chose science over art, despite her mother’s artistic influence, not realizing that what she picked up from her mother, the painter, has made her an exceptionally observant scientist. Phoebe is socially awkward, more comfortable with nature than people, relating to the natural world in an intensely personal way. She is strong, quirky, and combines the two streaks of mothering influences, science and art, in her experience of the world. Securely on the path to academic success, Phoebe is almost derailed by her relationship with a once-brilliant professor, Elliott Brown.

This is a HUGE block of text on the screen if you're querying by email. Don't do this. Email queries need LOTS of white space, even if you end up breaking paragraphs.

Here's how it should look:

Good Mother Lizard, a literary coming-of-age novel set in the late 1970’s in New York and Montana, centers on Phoebe Gray, an imaginative paleontology student, who wants nothing more than to be a scientist, like her grandmother.

She chose science over art, despite her mother’s artistic influence, not realizing that what she picked up from her mother, the painter, has made her an exceptionally observant scientist.

Phoebe is socially awkward, more comfortable with nature than people, relating to the natural world in an intensely personal way. She is strong, quirky, and combines the two streaks of mothering influences, science and art, in her experience of the world.

Securely on the path to academic success, Phoebe is almost derailed by her relationship with a once-brilliant professor, Elliott Brown.

And here's some further paring suggestions:

~~Good Mother Lizard, a literary coming-of-age novel set in the late 1970’s in New York and Montana, centers on~~ Phoebe Gray, an imaginative paleontology student, who wants nothing more than to be a scientist, like her grandmother.

~~She chose science over art, despite her mother’s artistic influence, not realizing that what she picked up from her mother, the painter, has made her an exceptionally observant scientist.~~

Phoebe is socially awkward, more comfortable with nature than people, relating to the natural world in an intensely personal way. She is strong, quirky, and combines the two streaks of mothering influences, science and art, in her experience of the world.

You don't need all this description. Get to the story!

Securely on the path to academic success, Phoebe is almost derailed by her relationship with a once-brilliant professor, Elliott Brown.

Professor Brown, in decline and under academic pressure to discover and publish or lose his job, seduces Phoebe, seeing in her the imaginative thinking he desperately needs. Over their eight-month affair, he proceeds to not only sabotage her work, but use her ruminations to enhance his lectures and research. Phoebe is slow to challenge Brown, but when he humiliates her in public by accusing her of “thinking with her ovaries,” it’s the last straw and she kicks him out.

You'll need a bit more in that paragraph after I've pared out most of it, but do you see my point here? Focus on ACTION, not description.

Also, I know you've described the professor as once-brilliant, but his actions here are those of an idiot. If he needs her work, why would he purposely alienate her? Stupid and self-defeating characters are boring, and worse, they're uninteresting as villains.

Four months later, needing to move forward in her field, Phoebe is convinced by Brown to go with a crew of students on his annual dig in Montana. ~~Using her unique way of seeing, part scientist, part artist,~~ Phoebe makes the discovery that will save Brown’s career: dinosaur eggshells, juvenile bones and what will become Maisaurus or “good mother lizard.” (Note: this is a composite of actual discoveries made in Montana during that time.) (excellent info to include in the query!) Brown tries to take credit for the find, but when Phoebe refuses he rapes her in her tent, flaunting his power, frightening her. Traumatized, Phoebe must reach out to people for help, instead of retreating to nature, and when she does she finds not only justice, but friendship and love.

and again with the big ass chunk of text.

I am a graduate of (redacted)

Good Mother Lizard is complete at 85,000 words. Please let me know if you would like to review the complete manuscript.

Aside from the formatting problems and the over abundance of description, the problem here is that you're describing a coming of age story that's been told before. A lot. The academic setting is almost a cliche for this kind of problem. Your challenge here is to take an old trope and liven it up. You might start by making the professor more than a one-dimensional cipher for misogyny.

----------------------------

ORIGINAL
Fulton Street
San Francisco, CA 94118

January 26, 2009

Literary Agent
Literary Agency
New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco

Dear Query Shark:

In Good Mother Lizard, Phoebe Gray, a gifted and socially awkward paleontology student, almost six feet tall with unruly red hair and poor posture, attracts a seducer, Professor Elliott Brown.

Is what she looks like the most important thing to know about her? That she's socially awkward?

Middle-aged, in decline and under academic pressure, Brown sees in Phoebe the imaginative thinking he desperately needs in order to make brilliant discoveries in the field and keep his job.

aha. He wants to steal her work. This is more interesting now.

Phoebe wants nothing more than to be a scientist, like her grandmother, and to placate her temperamental mother, the artist. She falls in love with dogwood trees, cardinals, and bird wing fossils, changes her sleeping habits to coincide with the rising and setting sun, sees the world as a wonderland of past and present natural history in colors she memorized as a child from her mother’s palette. But she is naïve about relationships and blind to what is unique about herself as a woman.

What is unique? Not the unruly red hair I bet.

Jolted out of her dreamy world of prehistoric visions by Brown’s exploitative affair, her mother’s diagnosis of terminal illness, her grandmother’s touching senility, and a crime committed against her on a Montana dig site, Phoebe learns quickly about the ways of the world.

whoa. You've wasted three paragraphs with red hair, dogwoods and sunsets. NOW you get to a crime? My guess is this might be more germane to the plot than say unruly red hair.

Using New York’s major art and science museums as touchstones, Phoebe finds her strength, makes the mega-discovery of the bones of a new mothering dinosaur, the good mother lizard, and meets new love in a Jewish-Japanese lawyer and Special Olympics coach.

The good mother lizard? Um, no no no. Dinosaurs are reptiles. I know this personally cause I'm old. Mother is a fairly distinctly mammalian concept.

OK-update. I'm wrong. Here's a book review in the New York Times about "good mother lizard"

I stand by my comment that good mother lizard is not familiar enough to ~~slackers~~ anyone reading the query letter to be the best choice for describing this.

Now, if you want to persuade me about lizards being good mothers, you're going to need more than three sentences in a query letter. This is one of those places where you'll be LESS specific. Normally I'm beating y'all over the head to be more specific but in this case you'll want to couch this as "amazing find" "new interpretation" "career saver" something other than a phrase like good mother lizard that makes me thinks "huh??"

I am a graduate of the (redacted), where I received the (redacted). An early version of the first chapter of Good Mother Lizard won a (redacted)

Good Mother Lizard is complete at 90,000 words. Please let me know if you would like the complete manuscript of my novel for review.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

you're awash in description and short on plot. The description isn't compelling enough to make me want to read something without a plot.

The book is probably a lot better than the query, but people won't get to the book if the query doesn't work.

Form rejection.

#96-revision

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:36:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

I invite you to consider reading my complete manuscript=0 Atitled HER SECRET. HER SECRET.

My guess is that you put in some sort of formatting here. As you can see it doesn't survive the email. Plain text only. Always.

I believe you will have a heart felt fervent desire to represent my book.

Please don't ever include a sentence like this in a query letter. I know you want me to feel that way, but be cool: don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Just tell me about your book.

HER SECRET
Friends to the end

You don't need a centered title and subtitle in a query letter. That's for actual pages.

Taylor and Ashley are typical teenagers, fourteen years old, and the best of friends, they do everything together from, horseback riding, dancing, just hanging out talking about boys and sharing all of their secrets.

This is a run on sentence. It's where I'd stop reading if you sent me this query letter.

I'm not sure typical teenagers go horseback riding.

A recent camping trip leads Taylor to the discovery of a horrific secret. A secret between Ashley and her dad. A secret that began when Ashley turned thirteen, when her dad claims, she became a woman.

You've got a real problem here with the tenses in this sentence. If you can't identify what it is, you're querying too early. We all make mistakes (god knows I've made a gazillion, and some real doozies right here on this blog) but there are some fundamental problems here with grammar that should not have survived a second or third revision.

Their friendship becomes threatened, and Taylor becomes faced with the decision of her life, to tell or not to tell. Will this secret destroy a friendship that came so natural to them from the start, six years ago?

HER SECRET friends to the end - Is my 10612 word, Mainstream Fiction book written for Middle grade – Teen/YA reading level.

10,612 words is about 1/3 the length of a book for either of these age groups. Middle grade and Teen YA are two VERY different reading levels.

Educating our kids, that it's ok to tell even when it's family.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
(redacted)

I get the sense you're writing the book not to tell a story but to make a point. That hardly ever works. The story has to come first.

Form rejection.

-------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL
(author)
(address)
(city, state, zip)
(phone)
(email)

(date)

(agency)
(address)
(city, state, zip)

Dear Query Shark:

You've utterly wasted the first 14 lines of your email with information I don't need to see right away. DO NOT DO THIS. Put all your contact info at the end. You don't need to list my address. I know where I work.

You don't format an email query the same way you format a paper query.
You don't cut and paste the entire paper query into the email and just send it.

Queries by email have a specific form. Follow it. If you don't have a clue what it is, look it up!

I would love to invite you to consider representing my book targeting our youth today.

Would love to invite you implies that perhaps you aren't. Example: I would love to have you over but I have to wash my hair. Would is a conditional. It's often used incorrectly. That doesn't mean you get to misuse it in a query letter.

Also targeting our youth today? What are you getting at here? Is this a novel for "our youth." If that's the case you need to be much more specific. Toddlers who can't read are youth, just as the glitter crazed and horse mad tween girls are, and the sardonic goth readers in high school.

FRIENDS TO THE END

Have you ever had a best friend? One that tells you all of her secrets? Fourteen year-old Taylor thought she had that in Ashley. Until, a recent camping trip leads to the discovery of a horrific secret. A secret that Ashley couldn’t even tell her best friend. A secret that involves Ashley and her dad.

Oh, abuse. Great.

Yawn central. Abuse is very over used and very tired theme. Unless you have something dramatically new or fresh to contribute, this won't work.

There (you mean their) friendship is threatened and Taylor is faced with the decision of her life, to tell or not too (you mean to). Will this secret destroy what came natural to them?

What came natural to them? Um...do you mean this in the way that it's most normally used? Like, they're having sex?

FRIENDS TO THE END - Is my 6057 word, Mainstream Fiction chapter book written for youth – Teen reading level.

6057 words? Is this a typo? Six thousand words is about 30 pages. A YA novel is 60,000 words, and you're writing a YA novel, not a teen reading level for youth.

"Chapter books" normally refer to books for younger readers. This topic isn't going to fly in the third grade.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Time is of the essence, in continuing my search for representation.

Oh really? You put that in a query and it's an automatic rejection. Publishing is not a lickety split industry unless you plan on doing it yourself.

Nothing gets my dander up faster than someone telling me they're in a hurry to hear back. Who the heck isn't? My response time is 30 days. I'm pretty clear about that everywhere I list information about sending queries.

Sincerely,

Form rejection, but a fast one.

#95

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:26:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

The needle glinted in the moonlight as Samantha prepared to plunge it into the President’s neck. Vengeance lay in her grasp. Nausea churned in her stomach.

Nausea doesn't churn in your stomach unless you ate something called nausea. She was nauseated. She felt nauseated. Nausea churned her stomach. All those constructions solve your problem.

Yes, I'm an utter crab about silly things like what words mean. You should be too.

How had she fallen so far in her quest for revenge?

Second year resident, Dr. Samantha Bartlett, is swept from the frigid New York winter to face the chill of death back home. But she’s not alone. A strange man she dubs Shades haunts her every step as she seeks answers to the inferno that claimed her grandmother, an eerie reminder of her parents’ deaths. What Samantha finds forever changes her image of those she only thought she knew.

This is hyperbole without meaning. Inferno that claimed her grandmother? Eerie reminder? What specifically are you talking about?

Confronted by Shades, Samantha joins a secret underworld known only as the Elite, where a web of power and control is woven deep within governments worldwide. Their talons are embedded in the power structure of the United States, and Samantha becomes the unlikely key to infiltrating the White House at its most intimate levels.

If their talons are embedded why do they need her to infiltrate?

What the heck is actually happening here? Get rid of every single adjective and adverb. Use plain declarative sentences. Those are the skeletal structure of a query letter: what happens. Why? To whom?

All that other purple prose obscures your meaning and leaves me thinking "huh??"

The quest for blood threatens to destroy Samantha. From the darkness there is no escape.

This is meaningless.

RUNNING INTO THE DARKNESS is complete at 67,000 words~~, and I am prepared to submit a synopsis of this thriller and up to the entire manuscript at your request.~~

I am a member of the (redacted). My particular line of work in government relations allows a unique window into the realm of politics and the Washington D.C. scene.

Well good, but none of that appears to factor into what you wrote in the opening paragraphs.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Form rejection.

#94

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 06:06:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

As you read this letter, you are secure in your surroundings. Dial 911 anywhere in the country, and armed men will rush to your aid. You have friends that care for you. You feel safe with them. Perhaps in times of trouble you pray to a God, or some greater power. All is as it should be…or is it?

Would it scare the hell out of you If I gave you scientific proof that most people you see, and know, are not completely human?

I live in New York City and ride the subway. I've got scientific and anecdotal evidence on a daily basis.

This opening is too info-merical in tone to be persuasive and compelling. It sounds like you're selling Ginsu knives.

If you are subject to fits of terror when faced with scientific proof…put this letter down…dismiss it from your life.

Generally one does not have "fits of terror". "Fits of laughter" yes.

On January 20th, the whole world fell in love with an un-known man, the new President of the United States. Do you not find that strange?

What does this have to do with anything you've mentioned earlier. If you plan to tell me that President Barack Obama is not human, you've got a bigger problem than this query letter.

A Neanderthal skull in the British Museum found in 1920 is dated to be over 40,000 years old. The hole in this skull as examined by forensic scientist, state; “This hole could only have been made by a bullet.”

The skull of a specie of Aurochs (extinct for 100,000 years) in the Moscow Museum has a bullet hole between its eyes. Some could argue the bullet hole was made by modern day man. The problem examiners face is the bullet hole has calcification…this means the creature was shot some 100,000 years ago, and survived its wound long enough for the bone to start re-growing. It appears that whoever was doing all this shooting was not only killing Dinosaurs, but also Neanderthal creatures.

Dinosaurs were mostly extinct by 65 million years ago. Neanderthals traits appear some 6oo,000 years ago. Here's the difference: 65,000,000 years versus 600,000 years. In other words 64,400,000 years. You have dinosaurs with bullets in them? Aurochs aren't dinosaurs. They look like cows. IE not reptiles.

Clay of the Gods is a true story based on actual events, however, some of the characters, incidents and names are fictitious. It starts with the creation of Adam, and ends with the last days of Mary. You need not know beyond that, for you will know what has happened, what is happing, and what will happen. It will give you joy, or complete terror?

I'm not even sure where to start here. This is dazzling in its lack of focus and clarity. I have no clear idea of a plot, characters or what exactly this novel (is it a novel?) is about. You can have all sorts of lunatic and crackpot ideas but if you want me to read them, you have to write them clearly. Michael Crichton had me believe in cloned dinosaurs simply cause of his writing.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, (redacted)

Form rejection.

Feeling Shark bit?

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 02:13:00 +0000

"I just wanted to thank you for the advice you gave me on your Query Shark blog. I struggled to write an effective query letter, and it wasn't until I applied your advice and wrote the revised version posted on your site that I started getting legitimate hits. And, I'm happy to say, I recently signed with an agent who I'm very excited about. Hopefully, we will have success in finding a publisher - we'll see - but I wanted to say thank you for all of your help."

Thanks again!

Query #64

Well! That's the kind of news that makes even the shark smile!