Query Shark

#137

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:36:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

"I'm not in love with Alice Stevens, she's just a very sexy reccuring dream.

At least that's what I thought until the sulfurous redhead showed up in my algebra class on a sunny afternoon and proved me wrong. That's when I found out I was gifted just like her: mind reading, dream walking and persuasion were just the beginning. Now I can shield myself from other people's powers too!

But when we tried to steal her evil dad's journal, Alice got captured and I lost my powers. If it hadn't been for Alice's sister, Jamie, I'd be lying dead with a bullet between my eyes right now.

Jamie's convinced me to try and get my gifts back so we can save Alice. I guess I owe it to her, even though I never truly loved her.

I love Jamie now. Alice will be pissed.

But still, we're gonna rescue her – if she still wants to be rescued that is."

THE GIFTED is a Young Adult paranormal romance, complete at 65 000 words.

Thank you for your consideration,

(author name)

Much as I adore the phrase "sulfurous redhead", this approach (writing the query 'in character') is gimmicky. Don't do it. And what kind of power is "persuasion" anyway? Revise. This isn't a form rejection, I'd read the pages, but it's not the most effective query you can write.

#135-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 23:24:00 +0000

Dear Shark,

~~The Victims of Violent Crimes online forum provides support for those wanting to process through tragedy—but two of its members need more.~~ Kimberly Caudill and Brad Ellis meet in an online forum that provides support for victims of violent crimes. They decide to quit being ‘victims’ and become perpetrators instead. They write a new treatment plan: partner up, hunt down the people responsible for their pain. And kill them.

Brad, a therapist in rural North Carolina, is enraged when two sisters he’s been counseling are brutalized by a meth dealer with a craving for kids. In Brazil, Kimmy’s six-month-old is ripped from her arms, murdered and discarded in the alley trash.

The two agree their first target will be the meth dealer. ~~But,~~ in pursuit of the pedophile, their thirst for revenge sweeps Kimmy and Brad into the broiling undertow of an inter-state gang war, fighting to right more wrongs and avenging abuses beyond their own.

Now the gangbangers are after them. And the meth dealer? He just found the most mouthwatering little boy.

That last sentence revolts me. I'm not sure I'd keep reading past it.

You've got a real problem here when the protagonists of the story become the perpetrators of crimes. How exactly are they going to keep our sympathy particularly when their "thirst for revenge" is turning them into vigilantes.

You've got more story here than you know what to do with.

How Kimmy gets to North Carolina, speaks enough English to navigate etc. is beyond the scope of a query letter. You might leave out that her story starts in Brazil. You don't need every detail in a query and the ones that raise more questions than they answer are good candidates for being left out.

MURDER THERAPY is a 100,000 word crime-thriller that draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at Brigham Young University.

It's not really a thriller since there's no ticking clock and no issue beyond the personal stories of the protagonists. This is a crime novel most likely. If you kill Kimmy and Brad at the end, it's probably noir.

Form rejection.
----------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

In Wilkes County, North Carolina—birthplace of moonshine and NASCAR—a therapist, Brad Ellis, is rocked with grief when two of his dearest clients are brutalized by a pedophilic meth dealer.

When you mention moonshine and NASCAR in the first sentence, it's not unreasonable to expect the book is about those two things. When I continue reading, I expect to see it. When I don't, I'm confused. Confusion is NOT a good thing in a query letter.

You're using that to be descriptive, but you're describing the location, not the story.

"dearest clients" sounds very strange to me as well, particularly given Brad is a therapist. Are his clients children? And "rocked with grief" is a strange reaction to "brutalized." I'd expect "raging hot anger" --and in fact, given what follows, that's probably more accurate.

Kimberly Caudill is a new mother just arrived in Brazil. Before she’s even unpacked, her six-month-old is ripped from her arms by experienced kidnappers but needlessly murdered once the ransom is paid. In the aftermath of her loss Kimmy’s spiral of self-destruction is amplified by her ‘morning bowl of Zoloft’ and rampant promiscuity.

This is a mess of events, much like too many characters is character soup. The story doesn't start here (but I bet your novel does) The story starts here
------>Then she meets Brad at an online counseling forum. The two agree to augment their treatment by hunting down the people responsible for their tragedies. And kill them.

While Kimmy critiques her target’s fashion sense and Brad struggles with the hypocrisy of being a vigilante-therapist, this crack team botches their first assassination and runs up against a sheriff with his own agenda. He just happens to know someone, a rare individual with a unique skill set, who can help them if they agree to do this one thing—

whoa. Kimmy critiques her target's fashion sense? The fashion sense of a kidnapper who killed her child? This is lunacy. The tone and subject matter combination is so disjointed it makes me think of "Springtime for Hitler" or broccoli ice cream: two things that just do not go together.

And you're off in mish-mash again with "a rare individual" etc. What's the unique skill set and why on earth does he need these two?

From the streets of Sao Palo to the back roads of the rural South, MURDER THERAPY is a story of revenge, filled with violent gang lords, inbred trailer-trash, bikini-clad coeds, special ops soldiers, and crusty old bomb makers.

And we're done. This is where I stop reading. Are you trying to be sardonically humorous? If so, I missed it.

This 100,000 word thriller draws upon my own decade of experience in therapy as a Qualified Professional in Mental Health and Substance Abuse, Wilderness Therapy Senior Instructor, and years of teaching Mixed Martial Arts. In addition to attending writing conferences and workshops, I also studied Creative Writing at (redacted).

This isn't a thriller. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not a thriller. A thriller needs a ticking clock, and stakes larger than what happens to the characters (the difference between burning down one house and burning down a city for example)

Thank you for your consideration,

This is a mess right now. There's a lot of stuff, but no sense of what the book is about and certainly no sense of the book's tone.I have no sense of why I'd want to know any of these characters...in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know them, and that's counterproductive for the purposes of a query.

#134

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 21:55:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

I have an incomplete fantasy novel

here's where I stop reading and send a form rejection letter

that I'd like to know whether I should bother with. I know this is a bit unusual but you seem like a brutally honest person and that's what I need. I want to know whether I should continue with my idea.

Word count so far is 5,828 out of what I expect to be 60,000.

I know this is unusual but even if you don't critique it on your blog I would love even a tiny response with your honest opinion.
I understand if you don't reply.

SYNOPSIS: (redacted)
FIRST FIVE PAGES: (redacted)

You have to have a finished novel.
There are no exceptions to this.

If you send a query for an unfinished novel, don't say so. It's bad enough to actually do it, it's worse to say so. I don't read queries for unfinished novels.

The first step for writing a query letter is to finish the novel.

And the query shark blog is a critique of query letters, not synopses or first pages. That's why it's called QUERYShark, not WritingShark.

#133

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:06:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark

I am seeking representation for my first novel entitled: “THE FINAL CLUE.” This 160,000, word crime novel is set in New York City and is the first of a possible series.

I've stopped reading right here. 160,000 words is too long. I don't care if it's more beautifully written than James Lee Burke, the ugly truth is I can't sell a long ass novel right now. Pare it down to 120,000 and better yet, under 100,000 words.
Agent Gina Russo received a phone call 5:15 am from a man who identified himself as Mr.WNM as in her worst night-mare, claiming he could see her in the window 23 stories up, through the heavily falling snow and informed her of his plans to rob millions from the National Vault institute.

This is supposed to set the suspense. It doesn't. You need to start with something that sounds real. Calling someone to inform them you're going to rob a bank isn't. Think about it. Set up the situation first, then you add the twist that she finds out he's going to rob the bank.

Seven years earlier, the caller, William Nicholas Mancuso aka Nick Mancini, was presumed dead after then Officer Russo fired her gun striking a barrel filled with explosives during a botched armed bank robbery. His world was torn apart when she apprehended his brother Anthony at the crime scene for which he now serves a life sentence. He vowed to avenge his brother. He observed her for seven years then decides the time has come, let the games begin.

What? This doesn't make any actual sense. You've got too many specifics and too many names. What you've got in so many (more!) words is: Nick Mancini vows revenge after Russo arrested his brother. Simplify.

Based on the knowledge the Commander received from Agent Russo that morning, he makes the decision to assign an Agent to guard her due to the caller knowing her location and not knowing the caller’s true intentions. Agent Russo is furious about the situation, knowing she is capable of taking care of herself. She has never failed to capture her suspect. Agent Russo tries to solve the hidden clues within the rhymes continually sent by the caller. She needs to stop him from succeeding with his plans to rob the bank and his determination to mentally break her down. Failure is not an option in Agent Russo’s mind. She struggles with the thought of what triggered the caller to contact her in the first place and also her inner feelings about the unwelcome temporary roommate the commander assigned to stay with her 24/7.
Who the hell is the Commander? You're bogged down in details. Answer three simple questions: who's the protagonist; what choice does she face; what are the consequences of the choice. That's ALL you need. You've confused the reader here with too much detail.

I have worked in law enforcement over 21 years ~~and although I am not an officer of the law, I have gained an enormous amount of knowledge throughout the years.~~

You don't need to distinguish between a position as a sworn officer or a civilian job.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to an opportunity to share the entire manuscript with you upon request.

This is a form rejection based on both word count and utter confusion.

#132-REVISION

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:52:00 +0000

Revision:

~~THE DEVIL ORDERS TAKEOUT is a romp, the tragicomic story of New York attorney Grayson Boldt.~~ After the violent death of his wife and older son, he New York attorney Grayson Boldt strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son.

Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson draws a the line at sending an innocent man to prison. For punishment the mob boss plans to kill Grayson's only surviving son himself.

And the mob boss sounds psychotic. Psychotics aren't all that interesting because they're one-dimensioinal

Desperate, Grayson tells him the boy is a gifted golfer who could win him money. The mobster, a notorious sports better with a secret motive, agrees to a reprieve providing the boy wins the Masters before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his prodigy son focused on golf, while the mob boss wagers a fortune against him.

You've got a jarring mix of tone here. It's also clear from your use of "romp" and "tragicomic" that you're not sure what it is either. Threatening to kill someone's son isn't a romp unless it's some sort of weird Princess Bride-like send up. I don't get the sense that's what you're doing.

~~I have studied creative writing for fifteen years and used my storytelling experience garnered as a Hollywood film editor and script doctor to write this first of a series novel.~~

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Still a form rejection.
But I still like the title.

---------------------
ORIGINAL

THE DEVIL ORDERS TAKEOUT is a 107,000 word ~~tragicomic~~ novel ~~with a unique voice, driving plot, resolute women, and offbeat/quirky characters that will long be remembered.~~

This is telling, not showing. It's the sign of weak writing in a novel; it's worse in a query.

New York attorney Grayson Boldt, who after the violent death of his wife and older son, strikes a deal with a mob boss to take revenge on the killer and protect his younger son. Sliding deeper into the mobster's shady business, Grayson crosses him and must pay with his remaining son’s life unless the boy wins the Masters golf tournament before his twenty-first birthday. Grayson uses his wealth and cunning to keep his son focused on golf but learns the mob boss is wagering his entire fortune on the son losing the fateful tournament.

I've stopped reading right here because I just don't believe any of this could happen. I've believed a lot of impossible things (Jeff Somers entire post apocalyptic New York just for starters, and pretty much all of Alice in Wonderland) but this just doesn't make sense to me.

Why on earth would anyone risk his surviving son's life by hoping he'll win the Masters? This doesn't make emotional sense to me.

And the mob boss wagering an entire fortune? On a golf game? I don't believe that either.

You can create amazing worlds and situations but you have to construct it in a way that the reader will believe it. This doesn't do that for me.

I have studied creative writing for fifteen years and used my storytelling experience garnered as a Hollywood film editor and script doctor to write this first of a series novel.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you.

Form rejection.
I like the title.

#131

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 01:20:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Here is a story about aging people in the country.

(pages redacted)

This is an automatic form rejection. I used to offer up what I thought was practical, easy to follow advice: you have to write an actual query letter here.

Sadly, I'd get pretty much everything but an actual query in reply.

And I'm seeing more of this kind of query.

It doesn't work. You have to write a query. I'm not going to just read your first five pages. It's not an efficient use of a scarce resource in high demand: my reading time.

Just so you know: a query MUST contain:
1. Who is the protagonist?
2. What choice does s/he face?
3. What are the consequences of the choice?

Without that information you cannot convey what is enticing about reading the book. The goal of a query is to entice your reader, me, to read the pages.

And if I miss the next Great American Novel by rejecting this unread, I'm ok with that.

Form rejection.

#129-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:28:00 +0000

Revision:

Dear Query Shark:

Jack Talbot, ex Navy SEAL, is a successful New York Attorney, devoted husband and grandfather, as well as an avid diver. While on vacation in Florida, Jack goes diving with Sam, an old friend/client, who owns a salvage vessel called “The Scavenger”. One of Sam’s employees recently discovered a mysterious amulet consisting of twelve precious gems along with a strange shipwreck with similar mysterious markings off the Florida Keys.

You've taken an entire paragraph, pretty much the only words on my screen if you send this via email, to say one thing: Someone discovered an amulet. You don't even mention who.

This does not bode well.

When Jack helps Sam and his crew investigate the wreck further, they discover a strange box with the same mysterious markings. Within the box is a secret compartment hiding a parchment written in Ancient Hebrew containing an old prophetic clue connected with the lost treasures of King Solomon’s Temple.

Yawn. Mysterious treasure map. What you're missing here is that when the trope is old (and this one is ancient) it's the characters who must be compelling. If the plot is as utterly predictable as this one is, you've got to give us a reason to care about the people. So far you haven't done this.

Jack’s search leads him on a global adventure from the seas off the Florida Keys, across the Atlantic, and finally to Israel where an ancient Jewish-Roman settlement is discovered overlooking Old Jerusalem and the site of the Ancient Temple.

Wow, I'm stunned that map in Hebrew leads him to Jerusalem. STUNNED I tell ya. Ok, that's being snotty, but honest to godiva, this kind of obvious brings out that kind of response.

A private cartel intent on uncovering and stealing ancient artifacts, as well as valuable gems and treasures, learns of the amulet’s discovery when an unscrupulous lab employee overhears one of Sam’s men discussing the find at the CMRC (Caribbean Marine Research Center) while attempting to discover its origin and significance.

At least it's not an evil twin or a Nazi. But still, this is just boring.

The cartel dispatches one of their top agents, a Russian ex KGB assassin, to recover the amulet and the treasure they believe will be associated with it. Jack’s five year old granddaughter is captured by the assassin and a cat and mouse game unravels as Jack tries to outwit the assassin, recover the treasure, and rescue his granddaughter with the help of his friends and an ancient secret Hebrew society intent on protecting the treasures of the old Jewish Temple.

I don't understand why you'd send an assassin on a jewel stealing job, but maybe that's cause I love Cary Grant and Grace Kelly in To Catch A Thief. And why does the assassin kidnap the kid? Nothing good comes with a five year old.

STONES OF FIRE, taken from the twelve precious gems signifying the twelve tribes of Israel and embedded in the breastplate worn by the Jewish High Priest in the days of the Temple, is complete at 105,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Remember when I told you to write another novel and let this one have a good snooze under the bed? I wasn't kidding.

There is nothing enticing here. You've cleaned up the form, but the content is formulaic and frankly boring. The problem isn't the query. It's the novel.

Form rejection.

-------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

~~My name is (redacted) and I have just completed my first novel. I would be honored to have you review it and act as literary agent on my behalf. It is called “Stones of Fire”.~~

Leave all this out. It's useless.

~~The main character is~~ Jack Talbot, a New York attorney~~, who,~~ while on vacation in Florida, goes diving with an old friend who owns a salvage vessel called “The Scavenger”. An ancient artifact is discovered leading Jack and his friends on an adventure in the seas off the Florida Keys, across the Atlantic, and finally to Israel.

So, they discover it....then what? It's not like they hoist a flag and say "we found an ancient artifact, bring on the bad guys." There has to be a reason that the bad guys get involved. What is it?

Along the way Jack is chased by a Russian ex-KGB assassin and a private cartel intent on recovering the ancient artifact and the treasures associated with it.

The trail leads Jack to the Knight’s Templars and an ancient Hebrew society intent on protecting and recovering the lost treasures of the ancient Jewish Temple. The novel ~~consists of~~ is 103,852 words and will appeal to readers interested in historical thrillers.

This isn't a historical thriller. Historical means it takes place at least 100 years ago (give or take). What you have here is what we call a DaVinci Code knock-off thriller. As you might imagine that is not a term of endearment. I encourage you strongly to find something fresh and new to entice the bad guys (ie agents). Ancient artifacts, Knights Templar really doesn't do that.

I am currently a licensed attorney in New York State, having practiced law for thirty years. I was previously a staff attorney for a Legal Aid Society as well as an Assistant District Attorney. Before entering private practice and running my own firm I was the Chief Assistant District Attorney in the Orange County District Attorney's Office for over five years. Although I have not been previously published, I have been an extremely successful litigator and have used my writing skills extensively throughout my legal career, in both written applications to the Court as well as in preparing trial questions and summation arguments to juries.

None of this matters at all.

I would like to embark on a career as a novelist and believe that my first novel has a market waiting to read it. ~~Would it be possible to send a copy of the manuscript, or at least some sample chapters, to you for your review?~~

Thank you for considering this proposal.

This is a query letter, not a proposal. Proposal is a term reserved for non-fiction. One of those industry specific usages that writers don't know at first.

Very truly yours,

You're querying too soon. Write another novel, get into a brutal critique group, and find YOUR voice, and story. You're over writing, and under imagining. This is not a character flaw. It's simply a sign that you're making your first foray into writing novels. Keep at it. Generally speaking you'll need three novels under the bed before you've got something ready to go. There are exceptions to that, but this isn't one of them.

#128-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:16:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,
Ambitious Senator Carinna knows something must be done: erratic young Caligula Caesar, the new Emperor, needs a companion and confidant. Carinna’s older son, groomed for the job, is dead – leaving only bad-boy Marcus, who has just returned from the German frontier trailing minor clouds of glory. And a hostage.

Marcus is persuaded that honor requires him to atone for his brother’s treason. But after painfully earning the Emperor’s trust, he is horrified to learn that Caligula himself uttered the statement for which Marcus’s brother took responsibility – and that the scheme to switch the blame was their father’s, devised to ensure the survival of the youthful Caligula, then heir apparent.

Aurima, the stubborn and bitter German hostage with whom Marcus has fallen in love, sneers at him for not seeking vengeance and tries to kill Caligula herself. Unless Marcus turns her in, the enraged Caligula vows to punish him by demanding the suicide of his dishonored father. In the end, Marcus achieves what he desired – to prove himself a better man than his father – but realizes that in protecting Rome from Caligula, he can rely on no one but himself.

ROMA AMOR, 160,000 words, is the richly plotted product of many years of research and revision. I appreciate your consideration, Ms. Shark, and will be glad to send a full or partial ms. if you’re interested.

This is a damn good revision.
Kudos.

The word count is still a problem.

Go through it one more time with Cntrl-F (find) for "that" Take out every single "that" you don't need.

Then check for was -ing verb forms. Replace with verb-ed forms. (was washing to washed)

Then just read it line by line and take out every single word that doesn't have to be there.

My bet: you'll chop 5000 words off this.

When you do, let me know. I'll read it.

---------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL:

Dear Query Shark,

Marcus Carinna, a young Roman aristocrat, was a womanizing scoundrel until his brother’s suicide drove him to become an officer in a Danube legion. There, as a convert to the Sun God Mithras, he dedicated himself to upholding truth and order. Now his father, a powerful Senator, wants him to take his brother’s place as a companion of the inexperienced new Princeps of Rome: Caligula Caesar.

You've introduced four characters in one paragraph. This isn't even the start of the story. You've saved that for paragraph 3.

In ROMA AMOR, my 190,000-word novel, that decision will force Marcus into a wrenching choice between “Amor” (love) and “Roma” (duty) – the words every Roman legionary used to carve on opposite sides of his battle knife.

Here's where I stop reading and say "form rejection." 190,000 words. It simply cannot be done. Not right now anyway. And before you start hurling examples of The Thorn Birds, all of James Clavell, and Gone With the Wind at me (books I read and loved) let me just say this: I'm not sure I could sell those books, at that length, today. I'm not guessing at this. I know for a stone cold fact that wonderful novels over 120,000 words get glowing rejection letters. Glowing. REJECTION. Frankly I'm not in this for rejection letters glowing or otherwise. I'm in it for sales.

Though it galls him to obey his father, Marcus feels that family honor requires him to make amends for his brother’s treasonous behavior, which endangered the young Caligula. While struggling to advise the increasingly unstable Princeps, he will confront personal betrayal, attempted murder, and a disastrous attraction to an enemy’s captured daughter before Caligula rewards his loyalty with the truth about his brother’s death.

This is actually the interesting part. Leave out all those generalities. Get to the next paragraph which also has interesting stuff.

Too late, Marcus discovers why Caligula told him when they met, “The point, O Theseus, is not to learn what waits at the heart of the maze. The point is to escape alive.” Reeling from what he has learned, he must choose between his reckless love for the German hostage Aurima and his duty to everything he holds sacred.

Be specific. What did he learn? And by duty to everything he holds sacred do you mean the duty to family mentioned above?

Because of the importance of Caligula’s reign in Rome’s transition from republic to empire, it’s been a passion of mine for years. A professional copywriter by trade, I co-authored four nonfiction books on business and finance while writing ROMA AMOR, my first novel. I’ve amassed scores of reference books and walked in my characters’ footsteps, from the Palatine Hill to the banks of the Danube.
None of this matters a whit.

ROMA AMOR is envisioned as the first book in a series that takes readers from the beginning of Caligula’s principate through his assassination, the accession of his uncle Claudius (of I, CLAUDIUS fame), poisonings and conspiracies, and the rise of Nero. It's told in the first person, allowing readers to share one man's experience of this treacherous and turbulent time.

This is telling not showing.

A synopsis of the plot follows. If you’re interested, Ms. Shark, I’d be pleased to send you a partial or complete manuscript.

Of course you would. You don't need to say so.

Thanks for considering ROMA AMOR. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Form rejection due to word count.

#127

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:34:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Merida must kill herself to place a curse on the sailboat Le Griffin, and all aboard her. Merida is an auburn haired beauty with a poisoned soul. She hears voices in her head and the voices tell her to kill herself to initiate the curse. Merida intuitively believes the voices are her Spirit Gods and acts on their directions.

In 1679, Cavalier de La Salle's Le Griffin became the very first Flying Dutchman above the Niagara Falls as Merida fulfills her obligation to the Spirit Gods. The curse not only sinks Le Griffin and kills all aboard; it spreads its evil intentions to all of the future ancestors of those aboard.

The curse causes deep seated unfathomable feelings of hatred in some of the children of Le Griffin. This will lead to murder and mayhem among the future children of the crew. The curse can be broken with the aid of a few benevolent Spirit Gods, but even they cannot decipher the condition for nullifying the curse placed by Merida.

In the end

One by love

One by hate

Will end the fate.

Merida is the adopted white daughter of an Indian medicine man and has learned Indian lore. Merida cursed the ship and all aboard when she was made to leave her home and was forced to return to the colonies of her birth. Merida's unbending fear of water tipped her over the edge and into psychosis when she was confronted with a long sailing trip back east.

Lt. Proto, a French explorer with La Salle, and Wasaga, an Indian interpreter, found themselves on Le Griffin trying to prevent Merida from fulfilling the curse. The two men were caught up in the curse when Wasaga was thrown overboard to his death and Lt Proto was killed by Merida just before her suicide.

In 1679 La Salle, the builder of Le Griffin watched as she sailed away from Le Gran Bay in Lake Michigan to complete her maiden voyage. In the age of sail an overdue ship was cause for concern and speculation. Speculation is rife with stories of good and bad intentions. This multigenerational tale starts with Le Griffin and ends with the most well known sinking of a ship on the Great Lakes in the latter half of the twentieth century.

The future generations of the crew of Le Griffin have strikingly similar names, odd quirks and descriptions to those people lost in 1679. This was done to maintain the continuity of the main characters as they progress through the centuries. The ancestors of Le Griffin wind their lives through the War of 1812, the Civil War, the Mormon King of Beaver Island, sinking ships and shipwrecks on inhospitable shores. Eventually they fulfill the requirements of the curse and end it nearly three hundred years later.

THE LADY OF THE LAKE is 250,000 words long and is historical fiction. Thank you for your time and consideration.

thud.

Sincerely,

P.S. I have read the rules and I know this part does not belong in a query. I have read the vast majority of your query critiques and I have found them very enlightening. Up to a week ago I had never heard of a query as it relates to seeking an agent. I am positive I would have made all of the typical mistakes plus a few new ones. So thank you for your help. I have also realized in reading the queries that the genre and length of my work does not seem to fit into the literary mode your agency typically represents. I will value any help you can give me in honing my skills. I hope my query will be a good teaching tool if you chose to critique it. I'm thickening up my skin as I write and I promise not to call or stop by...ever.

That PS made me laugh. It also made me choose this letter.

You know this is a mess, but you're willing to learn. That's good.

First, 250,000 words is just too long.
It has to be cut in half. Even epic fantasy novels from debut authors can't be more than about 125,000 words these days.

So, first thing: chop.

Then start with: who is the heroine? What choice does she face? What are the consequences of that choice? Write that in 250 or fewer words. You don't need the entire plot. You need to compel me to read the first five pages. That's ALL you have to do in the query.

Form rejection (but you knew that)

Start again.

#126

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:18:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Fanfare for the Common Woman is a 90,000 word work of women’s fiction that revolves around the emotional development of Cris Pereira. She is a twenty-something Latina with a recent history of heartbreak: her first love confessed to cheating on her months after their engagement, and her father succumbed to cancer only a few weeks later. These events have made Cris quietly bitter and openly jaded about love and the possibility of finding happiness. Because she is an inherently strong woman with a low tolerance for pity, she hides her pain behind her sunny smile and acerbic wit. In private, she suffers recurring nightmares centered on her fear of being alone.

And why should I care? This is all tell, no show. Show us what Cris is like. This reads like an intake report of some kind. There's no voice, no spark here.

This is where I'd stop reading in a query letter.

One ordinary Sunday, she volunteers to take her cousins to a celebrity autograph signing. While there, she inadvertently attracts the attention of the young actor Tom Abramson. He is drawn to her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. Intrigued by her disinterest in him, he proceeds to contact her via text messages and emails. Against her better judgment, she cannot ignore the stirrings of her long-dead heart.

Again, this is all tell, no show. We have no sense of her unique sense of humor and spirited independence. You really don't need all the psychological set up. The start of this story is when Tom meets Cris. She's not interested, he ~~stalks~~ woos her.

~~Throughout the tale, Cris is constantly challenged by those around her to excise the demons of her past and believe in the plausibility of happiness.~~ Her closest friends, Gita and Hana, offer contrasting perspectives that add humor and heartache to Cris’ journey of self-development. Tom’s carefree spirit is repeatedly juxtaposed alongside Cris’ penchant for thoughtful deliberation. He insists that Cris needs to think less, and do more. To that effect, he organizes experiences that push her outside of her comfort zone, with a wide array of results.

This is all so general as to be boring. What do they do? What choice does Cris need to make? What risk does she take?

Will Cris finally understand what it means to be happy? Will she relinquish her tight hold on the reins and learn to live in the moment?

I am a twenty-something woman with a multicultural background and degrees in English Composition and Political Science. A great deal of the experiences in this work are taken from my own life, and I hope to convey sentiments that many women will be able to relate to and understand.

I don't care about any of that. All I care about is whether this is an interesting and compelling novel.

I came across your blog when I was searching for information on query letters, and I really appreciate both your humor and your efforts to make such a daunting process easier. You truly are filled with "salacious badassness" - in the best kind of way.

Well, ok, ~~sucking up is never wrong~~ artful compliments are never out of place (and thank you.)

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you. Below is the text from the first five pages of my novel.

Sincerely,

Form rejection.

#125

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:03:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

What would you do if your whole hometown was wiped out? Your friends, your family, everyone was killed by a homicidal maniac. The only thing you can think of doing is running from the dying community.

The problem with these kinds of rhetorical questions is that you frequently don't get the answer that you need to generate interest in the book. For example if my entire home town was wiped out, I might be damn glad because after that house fell on my sister Munchkinland just hasn't been the same.

Your best bet is to tell me what your story is about.

Or what if your birth was the ruin of your mother? You were despised and alienated for years, but were able to finally find something that resembled shelter. Years later, you are forced to fight an unknown with all you have to keep that safe haven.

Again, these questions just beg for sarcastic answers (we're a tough crowd here in Queryville).

And the "you" second person is hardly ever the most compelling choice. So far, I don't know anything about what YOUr book is about.

In both scenarios, you have two real options. You can either curl up and die, or you can do what you can to survive. And having the ability to manipulate part of nature won't help you either. If you choose to live as either person, it won't be easy alone. You're going to need at least one miracle. Like, say, meeting the other person.

I'd stop reading here. I don't have a clue what the book is about. You're awash in generalities.

Fredrick Brown and Kathena Sahaara are lucky enough to get that miracle. They meet and soon after join forces. For Kathena, it's a chance to start over with someone who has the magical power to not be afraid of her and the ignorance to take her on. For Fredrick, it's his only opportunity to begin to understand the world his father came from and meet someone from outside that understands.

This is the closest you've come to telling me about the book. Remember the formula: Who is the hero/heroine? What choice does s/he face? What are the consequences of that choice/not making the choice. That's what your first paragraph should cover.

At first, it seems that they have found the answers to their problems in each other, but that maniac who destroyed Kathena's home has decided that he is eventually going to finish the job and throw in her new friend as a bonus.

Maniacs are boring. They're one dimensional and irrational. If you want scary, tell us why the villain is making this choice (remember, the villain thinks HE'S the hero of the story)

Fredrick and Kathena will have a few years to prepare before the attack and both have a knack for holding onto life. However, they are matched against a man who has destroyed their kind for ages.

It's a long shot, but they just might make it.

The rest of the story is in my book, Red Moon. It's about 100,000 words long and falls into the category of urban fantasy. You can contact me by replying to this e-mail, calling me at (redacted), or sending snail mail to (redacted) Thank you for your time and consideration.

Just list your contact info under your name. It's good to include it. Leave out "the rest of the story" because it's pretty obvious that's where the rest of the story is.

This is a form rejection.

#124--Winner on the first try

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:43:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Ford Kelly spends his days driving an ambulance and his nights driving the getaway car for his uncle the contract killer. But when his uncle dies mid-contract, Ford has two choices: also die, or convince his new employers he knows more about taking lives than saving them.

The contract? Snuff out a ring of dirty cops who demand hush money after stumbling across a new drug being prepared for the street. The problem? The last cop on the list is Ford's wife, who left him after the death of their son a year ago. That's when Ford discovers how good at killing he really is.

THE ONES WHO MADE ME is 75,000 words. It is my first novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

(redacted)

oh yea. Yea, yea, yea.
We have a winner.

What I like: the juxtaposition of the jobs---ambulence, getaway car. I like seeing the stakes--killing his wife. I like the flawed hero--it looks like he kills his wife.

I'm ALL over this one.

#123-Revised-WINNER

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 05:32:00 +0000

REVISION
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word crime novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

I like the juxtaposition of crime novel and friendship. I'm always looking for that kind of weird pairing. I think it bodes well for a fun read.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?

John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helped John out by blowin' up the bastard screw that was makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than get John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

Right here, this sets up both the conflict and the stakes of the novel. If every query letter I got did that as neatly as this one did, I'd never stop requesting fulls.

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.

Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.

And that's exactly why, in less than forty words, why I am eager to read the pages, and then the novel.

I have three published short stories to my name, all published by (redacted) in their collections (redacted).

what? "all published by in their collections" doesn't make sense.

I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Sincerely,

oh hell yes, send this at once.

-----------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for ABIDE WITH ME, a 57,000-word Mainstream novel about friendship, community, football, hope, and biscuits. Oh, and gangsters.

Mainstream isn't capitalized. It's not a proper noun. Also, what you describe below isn't anywhere close to a mainstream novel. It's a crime novel.

John's out the nick after doing seven years for a bodged robbery. And childhood friend Kenny's out the nut house, ten years after bashing up the school bully with a dinner tray. Everything's looking rosy, until John finds out Kenny's got a job as Bagman for local villain Ronnie Swordfish. John fears the worst. And he's right.

Bagman isn't a proper noun either. Proper on this side of the pond means something other than what it means on your side. Here's what I mean.

Kenny, the daft bastard, is handin' out money to all and fuckin' sundry, including John's Mum who's borrowed a large wedge from Ronnie to tide her over while John's inside. But where's Kenny gettin' the money from for this little Robin Hood act, if not from Ronnie Swordfish himself?

John knows Ronnie's got his eye on him, likes the look of him. And when Ronnie helps him out by blowin' up the bastard screw that's makin' his life inside a living hell, John knew he'd come callin'. But a paranoid psycho like Ronnie Swordfish don't trust easy. So what better test than gettin' John to bring Kenny in? Two birds with one stone.

I'm a tad confused here. Ronnie helps John out by blowing up someone who making his life INSIDE a living hell? I thought John was out of jail?

Faced with handin' over his lifelong friend on a plate or watchin' his own mum and sister burn in their beds, like Ronnie promised, John ain't got a choice.

Thing is, John don't even know the fuckin' half of it.

I have three published short stories to my name, all published by in their collections.

I hereby enclose the first three chapters of my novel along with a synopsis, and an SAE for your convenience. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Sincerely,

This has voice and energy. Normally, it's exactly the kind of thing I'd jump all over. Trouble is, there's so much slang I'm not sure I actually understand it, and I can just hear editors saying "too Brit."

I like this though; I like it a lot. I would definitely read pages from this.

Do I really have to say this?

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:01:00 +0000

Don't post queries in the comment section of other queries.
I will delete them.

If you want to have a query critiqued on the QueryShark blog follow the damn directions.

#122-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:47:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

'This too shall pass,' are the cruelest words in the English language, Petra Harrison thinks as she waits for the plane to take off.

With the death of her parents, she's been sent to Greenley's Academy, an exclusive boarding school a million miles away from her home in Smalltown, Idaho.

On the flight she makes a friend and catches the eye of handsome bad boy, Baird. She's begun to think boarding school might not be so bad when the plane crashes. The students are stranded on an island and as the days pass, without rescue, people begin to act less like spoiled rich kids and more like desperate survivors.

What does that mean? Are they becoming cannibals? Are they building rafts out of seat cushions? Are they trying to swim for Switzerland?

Baird thinks the flash of light that stalled the plane's engines was an electromagnetic pulse, the wave form of radiation from a high altitude nuclear explosion. As if that wasn't enough, they are in American territorial waters. Is the United States at War and with whom?

How do they know where they are if they crashed?

Scrabbling for food and water, with no rescue in sight, the survivors are forced to make desperate decisions. After the murder of the pilot, and a failed attempt at escape, the group splits as accusations and violence break out.

Petra sides with Baird, the geeks and other High School brainiacs. The Gems, an exclusive girl group and the High School President lead the rest of the survivors.

Can this be more stereotypical?

One of the most obvious things you've missed here is that in an emergency in real life, unlike television, many people rise above themselves. There's the example of the the Blitz in London. New York, and in fact all of the USA after 9/11. People rushed to HELP. Read any of the survivors of great disasters books and you'll see again and again that people did noble things, not selfish things.

Your book has to feel emotionally true for it to work.

The only thing certain now is that someone on the island has a deadly secret to keep and the world has changed.

This is actually a good line, and I'd bring it much farther UP in the query.

My ~~edgy~~ young adult novel, Surrounded by Blue,~~(book one in a proposed series of four)~~ complete at 81,550 words, is a story of survival, mystery and geeky fanboys run amok.

Resist using adjectives to describe your own book.
fanboys? Where did that come from?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

The problem isn't your query letter; it's the book. Castaways on a desert island who fall into the same cliques I remember from sixth grade at Miss Heliotrope's School for Ill Mannered Ladies is not fresh and new. There's nothing here that turns our expectations on their ear. There's nothing that makes me wonder "what happens next."

Form rejection.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

I hate the show Lost. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, I despise Lost. I loved the first season. A disparate group of passengers trapped on a mysterious island with Mathew Fox sounds like my version of heaven. But, by the second season, the show's endless mysteries and bizarre secrets began to wear thin.

You better hope that whoever is reading this has a clue what Lost is. I don't.

My YA novel, Surrounded by Blue, complete at 81,550 words, is Lost with an ending.

Here's a brief synopsis;

Start here because you start your query with what YOUR BOOK is about.

'This too shall pass,' are the cruelest words in the English language Petra Harrison thinks as she waits for the plane to take off.

With the death of her parents, she's been sent to Greenley's Academy, an exclusive boarding school a million miles away from her home in Smalltown, Idaho.

On the flight she makes a friend and catches the eye of handsome bad boy, Baird. She's begun to think boarding school might not be so bad when the plane crashes. The students are stranded on an island and as the days pass without rescue, people begin to act less like spoiled rich kids and more like desperate survivors.

What was the mysterious flash of light that happened seconds before the engines stopped? Why won't anyone's satellite phone work and most pressing of all, who killed the pilot?

So basically you're taking the premise of a TV show that everyone except me knows about, and writing a different ending.

You might want to try for something a little less derivative.

Would you be interested in reading my book? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

You've got a very basic stranded on a desert island story. There's no plot. There's no conflict. There's no antagonist.

This is a form rejection.

#121

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

April is an ordinary girl with an ordinary life; the sort who is thrilled just by being wife. Sure, she used to be a feminist and she still gets angry when men open doors for her but there is nothing about her that sets her apart.

You've just told us there's nothing interesting about a woman you propose I should spend a novel with. Don't do this. Start where the action starts.

Or there wasn’t, until January 9th, 2009 when she came home to realize she was in one of more than 50% of marriages that don’t work out. Sometime between discovering her husband’s sordid affair was the least of his secrets and the mob banging on her door, she realizes that sometimes The Last Day of Your Life (as you know it) is only the beginning of something much worse.

~~The Last Day of Your Life~~ ~~is a story of solace for anyone who thinks their relationship ended badly.~~

Don't tell me what the story is about, show me.

April had been married to Drew for seven years when she came home to find him naked in the shower with a woman who represented everything that made April never want to live anywhere near LA; which she didn't, but apparently blonds with big breasts and the IQ of lint were legally allowed to live elsewhere. (1) She scoffs it off, says “it’s over”, and moves on with her life. She doesn’t need anyone anyway. Or so she thinks. But when her husband and his big breasted bitty disappear, the mob drops a calling card with six casings, and a detective starts asking questions she doesn’t feel like answering honestly, she discovers she may need more than her charm and sarcasm if she wants to live through it all. Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice. (2) It also happens to be her quick wit and delightful pecan brownies which convince two very dedicated mob men that they might have been better off playing hockey. Chaos, indecision, and lots and lots of secrets make up a most devastating attempt at life anew. This is not your standard, woman gets divorced and moves on with life story; this is the story the woman has to survive to get to that story. And if she does, she will need years and years of therapy.

This huge block of text is unreadable. When you query, break your query up into three sentence chunks EVEN IF IT MEANS YOU BREAK A PARAGRAPH.

(1) This sentence is both run-on and pointless. I've stopped reading right here because I'm very afraid that if you do this here in the query, you're going to do it in the novel.

(2) If I had read on to see this Of course, it is her charm and sarcasm which seduces one of Portland's finest into pleading her case and finding evidence just her side of justice I would have stopped reading there too. This sentence doesn't make sense. I think I know sort of what you mean, but this kind of sloppy proof reading is death in a query letter.

The world of chic lit

It's NOT "chic lit," Just for starters, chic is French and pronounced "sheek." The phrase is chick lit.

has been desperately awaiting the arrival of such a dark and delectable piece of fiction.

Avoid these kind of Ronco pocket fisherman statements. Just talk about your book.

Paired with two friends, some mob guys, a sexy detective, and her own mind made up, April takes the reader on a journey which proves to be filled with everything from pistol whips to lumpy mascara. The reader is sucked into a world turned upside down and it is only when the earth settles to a gentle rate of spinning once again that they will be able to clearly see what has happened.

Pistol whips isn't a noun. It's a verb.

Well, I'd like to know what happens. This doesn't tell me anything.

The novel is just over 55,000 which makes it short enough to not be cost-prohibitive to most publishing companies. I would be glad to send you the completed manuscript upon request. Thank you for your consideration.

I cannot tell you how much I LOATHE hearing writers talk about short word count as some sort of added value (like the Ronco Pocket fisherman says "but wait, there's more!)

For starters, the actual cost of printing the book is probably the least expensive thing in the publication process. For second, it matters not a whit. The word count is what it is. If you pared out 20,000 words solely to save some publisher money, turn in your Smith Corona for a Smith and Wesson and just go shoot your career now.

Sincerely,

Sloppy proof reading, and lack of a clear description of the plot make this a form rejection.

#120-Revised Thrice WIN

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 06:18:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. Kate is a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm. She brokers assassinations, oppresses the working classes, breaks unions, and dabbles in securities.

Kate used to be a space pirate, until Killimall & Associates caught her embezzling from Bellicose Billy's Band of Buccaneers and purchased her immediately. She's good at her work and is not unhappy, although if her coworkers are company whores, Kate is locked into a mutually abusive long-term relationship with her job.

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, as it attempts to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. The ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group, and let Kate go for gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.

And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

The heck with the critique. Send this to me at once!
(You will of course have applied everything you learned here in the tank to your manuscript, right? Of course you have)

The reason I requested this: it sounds fun. It sounds FUNNY. It sounds charming. The author has demonstrated tenacity and courage under fire. She did NOT throw in the towel muttering "damn shark doesn't know flotsam from jetsam."

Speculative fiction is not normally my thing but I just sold TWO count 'em TWO novels that could have been called speculative (of course I didn't, I called them commercial fiction) so I don't let category deter me from something yummy.
----------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark,

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud.

I hate it when people lead with dependent clauses. Dependent clauses are frail little things, they need to come after big strong sentences: Kate is the project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm; her job is brokering etc etc.

See the difference?

Kate's firm bought her off of a band of space pirates several years back after uncovering her massive (and very successful) embezzlement scheme--which is exactly the kind of initiative they look for in a new hire. While her coworkers consider themselves company whores, Kate finds herself engaged in a marginally abusive long-term transactional relationship.

Break the first sentence into two: scheme. That's exactly

But that could change. In exchange for the opportunity to buy herself out, Kate agrees to take a fall. She'll screw over her own client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, in its bid to destroy the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. If all goes according to plan, the ensuing fiasco will allow her firm to disband its underperforming Earth practice group and let Kate go on charges of gross malpractice. Everyone wins--except the leprechauns.

And leprechauns are sore losers.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

(redacted)

Wow. That's MUCH better.
The problem is you need another polish on this. Take out every single word you don't need (like of after off)

Don't lead with dependent clauses.
Say every phrase out loud for rhythm.

I think you're almost there.

--------------------

Dear Query Shark:

Kate came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over her kitchen table. ~~He'd stuck~~ a post-it note stuck on the thing's forehead said: “Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z.”

Leave off the "he'd" because we don't know who it refers to.

Kate Menick makes problems go away. As a project manager for a polygalactic consulting firm, Kate's accounts include brokering assassinations, arms dealing, sentient trafficking, breaking unions, suppressing dissent, and the occasional securities fraud. She bills everything to the client, though her intern seems incapable of maintaining a simple, up-to-date spreadsheet.

I like this paragraph better for the starting point.

I'm not sure why you have the clause about the intern. It doesn't fit well with what went before, and it makes Kate look like a nincompoop. If she's skilled in making problems go away, and her intern is a problem....well.... bye bye intern right?

Kate recently accepted a contract to resolve an ongoing property dispute between her client, the Leprekaner People's Liberation Alliance, and the Fundamentalist Militia of the Trolls. Specifically, the leprechauns would like Kate to acquisition the head of Oglethorpe, King of the Trollven Ones.

It's too bad this is so clunky with all the names, because the individual pieces are darn funny. If "Fundamentalist Militia of Trolls" doesn't end up on a t-shirt somewhere, I'll eat my chapeau. The problem here is that the pieces don't add up to a good paragraph. You need to smooth it out. One way to do that is to say more. You've got some room here. Use it.

~~In response,~~ Too bad for Kate, the Trolls retained Spaceman Z, Kate's former colleague (and ex-boyfriend), to assure that their interests are adequately represented—and crush the Leprechaun Resistance once and for all.

RINSE AND REPEAT, a work of speculative fiction, is complete at 61,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

It's clear you've got the makings of what should be a darn funny book. You've given us the set up, but what happens if Kate fails? Does she want Spaceman Z back? Will the leprechauns bleach her blue? We need sense of the stakes. Humor gets my attention, but it won't get you a request if I can't see what the novel is about.

I can count on one cloven hoof the number of times I've asked people to write a longer query letter and this is it.

Form letter rejection, but with niggling feelings that I might have made a mistake.
----------------------------------------------

Dear Query Shark,

I came home from work to find the leprechaun's severed head bleeding all over my kitchen table. He'd stuck a post-it note on the thing's forehead: "Happy birthday, Sweetheart. --Spaceman Z."

It's been a bad week. I screwed up again.

After setting my house and half the neighborhood on fire (precautions, yeah?), I call Alice. She's canny enough to ignore me, though I know she's there.

Shit.

RINSE AND REPEAT is complete at just over 61,000 words. I would be happy to provide a partial or complete manuscript for further review.

Thank you for your consideration,

Fond as I am of brief and to-the-point queries (and I am) this one errs on the side of naked. You're also writing in the first person voice of your character and generally that's not the best choice. Sometimes it works, yes, and I've had those queries posted here, but this doesn't because you've left us too little to go on.

You need to give me enough to entice me to read on. This doesn't. Form rejection.

#119-Revised Twice

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:54:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

~~What would you do to protect your child? What if the person you had to protect them from was a member of the family?~~

Don't open a query with a rhetorical question.

Dominique O'Shea Hillmen divorced her husband years ago. Knowing that he hadn't let her go and would never quit until he either got her back or ruined her life didn't bother her. In fact, she dismissed him altogether, until she realized how carefully he had planted seeds of hate in their children.

No sooner does she learn the cost of ignoring him when Keon, Dominique's ex husband, is found dead. On the day of the funeral Dominique meets her former brother in-law, Trammel, for the first time.

Just like his brother, Trammel turns out to be only too happy to rub Dominique's face in her failures. Pointing the finger of blame at her for her shady past, her abusive marriage and the current problems with her children, he challenges Dominique to remain the calm, evolved person she desperately wants to be.

But being calm won't be easy, especially when Dominique learns that (HERE IS WHERE YOU FINALLY GET TO THE PROBLEM) her youngest daughter is hiding a hideous secret. On a head-to-head collision course with an enemy (WHO?) who is not afraid to destroy her children (HOW?) because they know it is the only way to destroy her, Dominique must face her two most dangerous foes: a notorious murderer who is closer than she ever imagined and her own self-destructive thinking. (or WHAT?)

Let's review the recipe for a good query:

Who is the main character?
What happens to her-what's her immediate problem?
What choice does s/he face?
What terrible thing will happen because of that choice?

In Sight is an inspirational novel ~~at 228 pages and almost~~ 65,000 words

Thank you in advance for your time. I look forward to your response.

~~To Your Continued Success,~~

Start over. Cut everything I've stricken. Be concise.

-------------------------------

Dear Query Shark:

Dominique O'Shea Hillmen is a single mother with one goal: she must get over her fiancée. Following an author's advice to put down the cocktails and dive into her pain, Dominique finds herself sober in more ways than one. What she sees with some reflection is everything she hates: desperation, neediness and whew!– a big steaming hunk of arrogance.

No sooner does she realize this when Dominique learns that her ex-husband has been found dead. On the day of the funeral her former brother-in-law, Trammel, shows up to introduce himself. Like real family, Trammel turns out to be only too happy to rub Dominique's face in her failures.

Pointing the finger of blame at her shady past, her abusive marriage and the current problems with her children, Trammel challenges Dominique to use her anger to inspire her growth instead of continuing to stunt it.

One tragedy after another soon derails Dominique's life. She is attacked on the street and one of her pets is brutally killed. Her friend is fatally injured in her car. And her youngest child, her own daughter, is hiding a hideous relationship.

This is an odd assortment of tragedies. Focus on the one you're really writing about: her youngest child.

To top it all off, the secret to Dominique's current financial success is one courageous act that exposed a multi-million dollar scam and led to the capture of a deadly, wealthy fugitive. That fugitive now faces the death penalty, and those involved in the scam are still picking up the pieces of their shattered lives.

Right here is where this query slips into full scale mess. It's time to start over. What's the problem Dominique faces? (pick ONE) Who's the antagonist (pick ONE). What choices must Dominique make? What are the stakes involved in those choices? FOCUS.

On a head-to-head collision course with an enemy who is not afraid to use even her children to destroy her, Dominique must face her two most dangerous foes: a notorious murderer who is closer than she eve imagined and her own self-destructive thinking.

Several years ago I learned that both of my daughters had been molested. Because I was also molested as a child, and vowed to never allow it to happen to my children, I set out to learn why this seems to plague certain families. The latest research on this issue confirmed that mental illness in children is a major contributing factor.

There are over twenty million sex and love addicts in this country, many of whom were molested as children. There are also millions of children being molested each year. Our lack of resolve to respond to these issues both in terms of prevention and after the fact, is responsible for the dramatic increase in addiction and molestation.

My hope is that In Sight will give people, especially parents, a look at the reality too many children face. The most successful country in history must find a way to inspire in our culture a love and respect for family in general and personal responsibility specifically.

You're querying me about a novel, not an advocacy article. Focus on the STORY. If the story is compelling, you'll make your point. If you SHOW me rather than TELL me, you'll be persuasive. If you just tell me all this stuff, I won't even listen.

I have over ten years of marketing/sales experience and have personally researched the medical information in this book. On several occasions I have been tapped to speak before thousands of people about how faith in God has shaped my life. In Sight is an inspirational novel similar to The Shack or The Alchemist. Coming in at 228 pages and almost 65,000 words, In Sight shares the same theme as those new-age classics: that with love and faith God can turn any situation into a victory.

~~Thank you in advance for your time. I look forward to your response.~~

~~Continued Success,~~ Thank you for your time and consideration

This query is a mess right now, but it's a better mess than the original version. When you care passionately about something as you clearly do, it's hard to channel that passion into telling a story. If you're querying me for a novel, I don't care about your issues, and hyperbole is a turn off. I DO care about a good story, and if you tell that story well enough, I will care about your issue.

Form rejection.
------------------------------

Dear Query Shark:

~~With thousands of queries crossing your desks each month I know you're wondering, Is this one going to be worth it?~~

Never start with something this hideously negative. Assume I do want to read it. Now tell me about the book.

I won't tell you to consider my work because it's brilliant and I'm irresistible (although I would hope so ☺).
Never put emoticons in a query. NEVER. For starters this is a business letter. Second, this emoticon looks like !*&&# (literally) on my screen because I work on a Mac and you don't.

I wouldn't even say my novel is ambitious. It only touches on the meaning of life, grapples with the root cause and ultimate cure for addiction and mental illness, and attempts to answer the age-old question: Why do good people have the worst luck in relationships?

I've stopped reading right here. I know you mean to be lighthearted and perhaps whimsical but I don't give a rat's patootie for that at 3am when I'm reading this. The only thing I want to know is: what is your book about?

~~My little novel, In Sight, is about~~ Dominique O'Shea Hillmen, a quirky, spunky single mother of three. We open to find our heroine down on the ropes: her fiancé has bailed, her ex-husband is found dead and two of her children have been locked away in institutions.

I'm not sure I'd be able to think of someone as quirky or spunky in the same sentence as "two of her children have been locked away in institutions."

You have a very jarring mixture of tone here.

Following an author's advice to put down the cocktails and dive into her pain, Dominique begins a journey that brings her to one startling self-revelation after another, a host of insights that challenge her to see all of life from a completely new perspective. Never far from danger, or far from the ghosts of lives she has ruined, Dominique soon finds herself the target of an enemy who is not afraid to use her children or to destroy her by any means necessary. Learning to pick and choose her battles, Dominique realizes her beliefs have been her greatest nemesis, greater even than the notorious murderer who is closer than she ever imagined.

This doesn't give us any idea of what happens, or what the problem is. Be specific. Short sentences. Build the bones of the query, then add only what you need to convey clear and precise meaning.

In Sight is a modern hybrid, a mix of spiritual/literary/mystery/romance like The Shack or The Alchemist. Coming in at 228 pages and almost 65,000 words,

Never ever ever have four categories. Pick one. It doesn't have to be right; you won't be the one deciding the category anyway. Just call it fiction, or a novel.

In Sight is difficult to categorize but shares the same theme as those new-age classics: that we are our own happy ending.

I guess the notorious murderer gets locked away and the kids come home then.

My name is (redacted) and as a mother of five, ranging in age from 16 months to 20 years, I can promise you anyone actively involved in a child's life these days better be able to deal with the horrific, the gross, the dangerous, and outrageous, without batting an eye. I started out writing about the state of our children, the epidemic of molestation and wide spread mental illness, and eventually uncovered the latest research which suggest the usual causes of these issues is also the cure. Oh, I know, fun stuff-right? But In Sight is all about hope and healing, the drug of choice for us die-hard optimists. I look forward to your response and hope this letter sparks your interest.

Don't ever say "my name is." This is business letter. You'll put your name at the bottom of the letter above your contact info.

All the other personal information is absolutely irrelevant to whether this is a novel I want to read. Talk about the book.

Thank you for your time.

I don't have any clue what the story is here. Form rejection.

And now, a pause for jocularity 2

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 04:45:00 +0000

Dear ~~Sublimity,~~ ~~Snookums~~ QueryShark:

Literary agent Nicola Mersdon just wants three things:
1. An extended vacation in the Bahamas (without the slush pile)
2. A sojourn in the local bar (without the manuscript-bearing students)
And:
3. An engagement ring

But she'll settle for a drink.

Three thousand queries, and Nicola Mersdon has a problem. Her romantically-inclined acquaintance has sent her a diamond ring - without an SASE. Nicola is brought into conflict with her own conscience - can she truly accept the engagement and risk tacit support for NITWIT, a multinational alliance of vicious mass queriers and agent e-mail finders - as it did? But Nicola has a duty, and a harsh one - to reject the query. Whatever it takes.

But her querier's romantic inclinations are as nothing compared to his employers'. NITWIT are determined - and there's the devil in the details, as they offer Nicola a chance to die for: a reconciliatory holiday with her rejected. Unfortunately, NITWITs may provide cookies and scented paper, but honeymoons aren't their speciality. As Nicola finds out to her cost - brought to New York for a sacrifice upon one of agenthood's highest pinnacles of sense. Tied to Miss Snark's ~~grave~~ shrine in Central Park, Nicola is forced to offer her betrothed and his allies in NITWITtery a critique, forcing them to retire in shame. Then she eviscerates them.

LIFE AND LOVE IN AN SASE is an epic tale of tragedy, the human condition, and the eternal duology of love. My 200, 000 word manuscript - described as a fascinating combination of Socrates and Faulkner - is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

#118-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:48:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Safe inside the rind of Orange County, parents pay a premium to shelter their kids. If those kids lie well enough, they might even convince their parents the money paid off.

Four best friends lie artfully. They keep up with grades, church, and sports teams, all while inhaling every puff of smoke, pill, and bottle their manicured hands can grab. But the delicate line between good girl and bad begins to erode when take hold of the hottest new drug to hit their high school: crystal meth.

For two of the girls, meth is manna from heaven. It makes cocky, witty Lindsey more sure and more funny (or so she thinks). For Charity, it eradicates the self doubt, the weight consciousness, even pushes away the clouds of depression and suicidal whispers. In just two weeks, Lindsey and Charity are hooked. They cover their dilated eyes with sunglasses and explain away the weight loss; but their arrogant, careless attitudes are hard to miss. Now Charity’s mom is threatening Catholic boarding school, Lindsey could get kicked off her all-star softball team for showing up hung-over, and their juiced-up egos have their best friends, Macey and Allison, needing some space. For a wallflower like Macey, who hasn’t made a friend outside the girls in eight years, a summer without Lindsey and Charity is gloomy enough. Then Allison’s boyfriend breaks off the relationship and she crawls back to Lindsey, Charity, and their dirty little crystals for comfort. Loneliness may be Macey’s worst fear, but if she follows the girls deeper into the gritty drug world, it could cost her more than friendship.

COUNTY OF GLITTER AND GLASS is a Young Adult novel that depicts realistic, suburban, teenage life, with all the drugs, sex, and lies that leave parents reaching for the Pepcid. The journey at the heart of the novel ultimately belongs to Macey, as her need for friendship and independence conflict for the first time. The novel’s third-person narration, which alternates focus with each chapter, reveals how this conflict develops, or fails to, inside each of the four, very different heroines. With its intense friendships set inside a drug underworld, the novel is best described as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. Its subject matter and language suit it for the 15+ age group, with a strong secondary audience in the parents and teachers of teens. It this is all telling, not showing is complete at 110,000 words ~~and ready for your review.~~

Thank you for your consideration,

Focus on Macey.
What choice does Macey have to make?
What will happen if she chooses the wrong thing?

It's too long. YA novels need to be somewhere nearer 70,000 words.

This is MUCH better than the first draft.
I like the title.

-----------------------

ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

Macey Fry isn’t prude, she just gags at the smell of cigarettes and puts Post-Its over the nudes in her Louvre book. Her three best friends, however, stow Malboros in their air-conditioning vents and hide condoms in their teddy bears. Still, the four are inseparable; until Crystal Meth.

Post-it notes over art photos is textbook prude, by the way.
Crystal Meth isn't a person, or a proper name so it's not capitalized.

On the last day of Sophomore year, Macey is feeling bold. She’s sixteen now, after all, and she’s wasting her youth being scared all the time. She nervously gulps down two cocktails at an end of school party and winds up asleep before midnight. Macey’s three best friends are feeling bold, too, as the party ends. But Allison, Charity, and Lindsey are bored with cocktails. They’re ready to try the next big thing in teenage entertainment and Charity’s boyfriend has it in that dirty clump of crystals stuffed deep into his pocket.

This sounds nothing like any young person I know. It sounds like a disapproving adult: "wasting her youth" The thing about kids is they don't know they are wasting their youth. "teenage entertainment" is another phrase I'd fall over dead if I heard a kid say.

After just a few long nights with Crystal Meth, Charity and Lindsey are hooked. Macey will never be bold enough to try it and Allison is more interested in her new boyfriend than the new drug. For the first time in eight years, the group is split.

When a police raid on a meth party freezes the local trade, Macey and Allison think they’ve seen the end of their friends’ addictions. But Lindsey and Charity find another source: a dealer whose house is crowded with criminal men and shifty secrets.

Macey thinks her friends will stop being addicted because the supply dries up? I'm less enamored of this character with every passing paragraph.

Soon, Allison’s boyfriend ends their relationship and Allison turns to Lindsey, Charity, and their crystalline comfort, leaving Macey in solitude. Macey must decide which is more dangerous: wallowing in loneliness, or braving the hazardous drug world for the company of her best friends.

And where are her parents in all this? Surely she has a choice other than wallowing in loneliness or hanging out with meth addicts. She sounds spineless and weak here. That's NOT someone I want to spend 200 pages (let alone 140,000 words--ack!) with.

GLITTER AND DECAY is literary fiction, complete at 140,000 words. I describe it as Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants meets Go Ask Alice. ~~I am an unpublished author hoping this novel will be my debut work. I have never been a meth addict, but I have pooled the knowledge and experience of several women who have to create this story.~~ TMI

140,000 words is not only too long for a YA novel, it's also too long for an adult novel. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is a middle grade novel. I have no idea what Go Ask Alice is called but I read it in high school.

Thank you in advance for your time and attention. I am an avid reader of both your blogs and grateful for your every helpful word.

Focus on Macey. This is her story.

Right now I just want to smack every character and send them to convent school. Your job as a writer is to make me care about the protagonist even if I do want to smack her upside the head. You haven't done that here.

Form rejection.

#117-Revised Twice, and yes we have a winner!

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 02:26:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore hasn’t exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. She lives her life as if on hold, impatient for the day her son Austin turns eighteen and she is finally allowed to contact him.

When she spots Austin’s adoptive father in the grocery store, she is overjoyed. Now divorced, Mike has recently moved to town and is raising Austin alone. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. After careful deliberation, Mike allows Josie and Austin to meet.

Eleven year old Austin is eager to get to know Josie, and they develop an easy and comfortable relationship. Mike struggles with placing limits on their time together, and is torn as Austin gradually grows closer to Josie. Often at odds, Mike and Josie try their best to get along for Austin’s sake.

Austin ignores their sometimes hostile attitudes towards each other, and begins to picture the three of them as a family. Unfortunately, he has no idea how to go about making this happen. By the time he starts working on it, both Josie and Mike have started dating other people.

Things get more complicated when Austin’s adoptive mom, Georgia, reenters the picture. She essentially abandoned Austin years before, and is now looking to repair their broken relationship. Mike and Josie join together in helping Austin deal with his conflicted feelings about Georgia.

Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

A work of women’s fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Holy Helvetica, you did it! Frankly I was copyediting my snarl for "you can't redo a query letter this fast and get it right" and boy oh boy was I wrong. This is ready to go out into the world.

VERY nice work!!! Congratulations!!
-----------------
FIRST REVISION

Dear Query Shark,

While Josie Moore has not exactly made peace with her decision to give up her baby boy, she has learned to accept it. Finished with college, but without a boyfriend or job, she was convinced it was her only choice. What she can’t accept is Mike and Georgia Cameron’s divorce. After choosing them so carefully, she is stunned to discover they divorced shortly after the adoption. She is also angry that they ignored their agreement to send updates and pictures, but she is legally unable to do anything about it.

Eleven years later, Josie is divorced and alone. She keeps mostly to herself, save the occasional lunches and dinners with her colleague and friend, Howard. She places her life on hold, impatient for the day Austin turns eighteen and she can try to find him.

Well, she does know where he is right? She has his parents' name. What you mean is contact him, not find him, right?

When she spots Mike Cameron in the grocery store one day, she is overjoyed. Totally out of the blue, the unexpected sighting provides her with a much needed opportunity. Figuring Mike owes her something, Josie pleads her case, terrified of messing up her one chance. He isn’t exactly thrilled to see her, or to reveal how Georgia re-married and had a baby, essentially abandoning Austin.

The problem here is that this is all set up for the actual story (at least I hope it is). The story starts when Josie sees Mike in the grocery store. Pare down the first three paragraphs and get to the PLOT: what happens when everyone is interacting.

Having recently moved to town, he is raising Austin alone. After careful consideration, he allows Josie and Austin to meet. Josie and Austin develop an easy and comfortable relationship, while she does her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike.

Things get more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture. Mike and Josie don’t see eye to eye on many things, but are united in their concern for Austin. In their efforts to protect him, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

This is the part where it gets interesting. Focus here.

A work of Women’s Fiction, SOMETHING GOOD is complete at 75,000 words. Thanks for your time and consideration.

women's fiction isn't capitalized. I'm seeing all these random capitalizations lately; it's making me cranky.

My guess is that the query letter reflects the biggest problem with the novel: too much backstory. I'll lay you ten to one that the real story starts somewhere around page 40, chapter four when the grocery store scene is.

That's the start of the story. All the windup and back story can come in later. We don't need to know all that stuff to start with. Josie sees Mike; consternation ensues.

Better but not there yet.

----------------------------
ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

~~I would like you to consider SOMETHING GOOD, a work of women's fiction complete at 75,000 words.~~

Start with the story.

Divorced, childless and edging toward cynical, Josie Moore is doing the best she can. She lives with the colossal regret that she didn't choose wisely when she gave up her precious newborn son to the outwardly perfect Mike and Georgia Cameron. The discovery that they divorced a mere three years later leaves her frustrated and angry, but unable to do anything about it.

Ok, so she ISN'T exactly childless is she? Why did Josie give her son up? Was she a surrogate? Was she alone and afraid? A very quick couple of words to give us a sense of why she did this will connect us to her emotionally. You don't have much emotion here, and so the query feels flat. That's not good, particularly when you're dealing with a VERY emotionally charged concept here.

An out of the blue sighting at the grocery store and she may have the chance to reconnect with her son, Austin, years before she hoped or even imagined. He and his dad have moved to town, and after Josie confronts Mike, he reluctantly agrees to give her a chance to meet him. Depending on Austin's reaction, he may even allow her some small role in his life.

This is passive voice: "an out of the blue sighting at the grocery store". Short declarative sentences: Josie sees her son one day at the grocery story. It's totally unexpected, out of the blue. He and his dad etc.

Why does she confront him? He didn't steal the boy. He adopted him, right? You're missing the obvious here: Josie is this child's biological parent and suddenly here is a chance to be part of his life. Make us feel her elation, her hope, her fear. I'm not talking about huge run on sentences; more like six well chosen adjectives.

Trying her best not to alienate the easily irritated and often prickly Mike, Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin. Having her around turns out to be a surprisingly good thing for them when the long absent Georgia re-enters the picture. Having all but abandoned Austin after the divorce, she returns, hoping to fix their badly damaged relationship.

Give your paragraph some chiropractic adjustment: subject, verb, clause. Josie develops an easy and comfortable relationship with Austin while she tries her best not to alienate etc. See the difference?

Now, who is the them in the badly damaged relationship? Austin? Mike? And you really don't need much more than "things get much more complicated when Georgia reenters the picture." We can intuit the chaos that ensues.

Mike and Josie don't see eye to eye on many things, but are in complete agreement in their love and concern for Austin. In their somewhat clumsy attempts to keep him protected and happy, they discover that familial love and happiness can sometimes be found where you least expect.

Put these sentences in subject, verb, clause form. In short form queries it's very important to keep your structure as simple as possible. And frankly with the amount of sentence polarity (I made that up in case you're wondering if you missed something in grammar class) here in this letter, I'm VERY afraid I'm going to see a lot of it in the manuscript. That is NOT a good thing.

The complete manuscript is available upon request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

Put the title and word count down here.

You have a very good concept here. It's the writing that makes me shiver. I think you need a good brutal critique group that will help you see some of the convoluted writing I see here.

I'd probably read a couple pages hoping for the best, but then if they were good, I'd read near the middle of the book too, just to avoid the dreaded "workshopped to hell first chapter syndrome." WTHFCS is what we call a novel with a perfect first chapter followed closely by a splat of epic proportions. I actually have a category for this on my query data base "what the hell was I thinking."

I'd read on but you've got a VERY narrow window here. Before you query, I'd make sure that book has had some brutal (and I mean BRUTAL) beta readers.

#116-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:45:00 +0000

Dear QueryShark:

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. She's just plain fed-up! This relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity, called 'life', has toyed with her long enough.

In the critique of the original I said we didn't get much sense of why Mavis wanted to end it all, given she's clearly got all her marbles and a functioning body. "Relentlessly tedious celebration of mediocrity called life" sounds like something you'd hear at a cocktail party of twenty-somethings trying to be blase. Dig deeper. It's the gist of your novel. She can't just want to kill herself cause you need a set up for the novel.

~~So,~~ instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.

Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?

The title of this book is “Mercy”. Thank you for your time in considering this submission.

Word count?

Same response as below: I'd probably read pages if you included them, and a LOT would depend if you caught me on a good day or not. You'd have no way of knowing if you did, so a smart query strategy would be plan to query WIDELY.

This just doesn't grab me cause I don't believe someone who is in good health at 102 would try to kill themselves. The older you get, the more precious life becomes in my experience. And I only look 102, I'm not actually there yet.

---------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

Mavis McCreedy has decided to end it all. Her 102nd birthday party is just two weeks away, and she’s determined not to attend. Instead of helping her incredibly irritating niece plan the big bash at the nursing home, (where she’s been imprisoned for the last twenty years), she embarks on a series of hilariously ineffective suicide attempts.

I'm going to assume this is a mordant comedy akin to Harold and Maude. What we're missing here is a sense of Mavis. Why does she want to end it all? If she's well enough, and astute enough for the antics of paragraph two why has she got the hots for St. Peter?

She tries the usual, at first. You know, she throws herself in front of a bus, down an escalator, and she attempts asphyxiation by an enormous un-chewed rasher of bacon—all without success. Each day brings another unwanted series of heartbeats, and another scheme for Mavis to do herself in. Eventually, in desperation, she even accepts the offer of her eighty-nine year old best friend, Stan. He tries to help out by jacking a Viagra “weekender pill” off his son’s boyfriend. Try as Stan might, (and he does…oh, he does), even that doesn’t work! As the big day approaches, poor Mavis finds herself still very much alive, and profoundly pissed-off.

Is it just an annoying run of good luck? Or, has Providence decided that Mavis must finish her life’s lesson plan before checking-out?

The title of this book is “Mercy”. ~~If you are interested, please email me, or phone at (redacted)~~ Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks,

This is a pretty good query letter except that I don't have any sense of why I want to spend an entire book reading about someone trying to kill herself. And I don't have much sense of Mavis either.

A lot would depend on how backlogged I was when I got the query. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, this is a pass cause it's not just reaching out and grabbing me.

This is one of those where I'd read the pages if you were smart and followed the directions to send them but I'm not sure I'd request pages if you hadn't.

This is a textbook example of a query that could go either way and EXACTLY why you query a lot of agents. Hit me on the wrong day it's pass, for someone else it's a read.

#115-Revised

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:57:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark,

Sallie Talbot is most content when her life on the Carolina seashore is calm, quiet, and peaceful. She is therefore most unsettled one evening when her spunky Great Aunt Ruth is unexpectedly checked into the hospital. Even more unsettling, however, is what Aunt Ruth says when Sallie comes to visit. Ruth tells the story of her secret, long-lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she met in an obscure Peruvian village and fell in love with many years ago. An unfortunate twist of fate separated the two, and Ruth hasn’t seen or heard from Arturo in over fifty years. Being separated from him is a decades-old regret that Ruth insists only Sallie can set right.

You've used 113 words here to say one thing: Sallie's Aunt Ruth wants her to find a long lost love.
When I see this kind of word sprawl I know I'm going to find the exact same kind of writing in the novel. I stop reading right here. Pare this down. You don't have to be James Ellroy; you do have to practice an economy of words.

Unable to deny her aunt’s dying plea, Sallie agrees to fly to Peru, track down Arturo, and deliver a message on Ruth’s behalf. Easier said than done. In her sickly state Ruth cannot recall many details about the place she and Arturo met, and only remembers that it was a northern Andean city ‘in the clouds.’ What kind of people live in the clouds? Ruth also entrusts Sallie with Arturo’s ring, a precious golden relic that boasts beautiful ancient American artwork but is hardly helpful for tracking Arturo down. With nothing but Ruth’s scant testimony to go on, Sallie quickly realizes how utterly unprepared she is for the journey.

A lost ring? A city in the clouds? These are both so closely identified with other books and movies that they don't sound either fresh or new here.

And honest to helvetica, I absolutely fail to understand why Sallie doesn't just soothe Aunt Ruth with lies and forget the whole thing. Why would she do this? What's in it for her?

Amidst the chaos of unknown cities and villages, and virtually unable to communicate with the locals, Sallie grapples with the fear of making wrong decisions. How fully should she trust the memories and directions of her ill, aging aunt? What will happen if she decides to accept the help of Gabe Foster, an irresistibly handsome stranger who, after hearing about the ‘clouds’ and seeing the priceless ring, says he knows the way? Even if Sallie does accept Gabe’s help, she can’t help but wonder what chance they really have of finding Arturo anyway, when steaming jungles, belligerent natives, and fifty long years are standing in their way. With Ruth’s happiness and Sallie’s own survival on the line, will Sallie be able to abandon her self-doubt and quiet ways to get the job done?

Ruth's happiness is on the line? Wait a second here. She's been without Arturo for FIFTY FRIGGING YEARS!! You can't just say things about characters because you need them to be true for the book to work.

For a book to have a cohesive emotional framework, readers must be convinced that the characters are acting in a way that makes sense. Makes sense to the reader AND makes sense to the character. Because we don't know Ruth at all (and can't in the brief space of a query letter) you have to tell us WHY her happiness suddenly depends on this.

And honest to hortonwhoheardawho, there are a lot of unhappy people in the world. I sure as heck wouldn't be traipsing off to CloudCuckooLand for anything other than cold hard cash or a signed representation agreement with Thomas Pynchon. In other words, logical tangible benefits to ME. Altruism is a very sketchy motivation.

Wander Me Home is complete at 89,000 words. I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I stopped reading at paragraph one and sent a form rejection.

--------------------------------------
ORIGINAL

Dear Query Shark,

I would like to invite you to review my novel Wander Me Home, a work of women's fiction complete at 89,000 words. A tale of escape from the mundane, Wander Me Home tells a story of untamed jungles, hidden villages, and self discovery. Below is a brief description.

Start with the story. The paragraph above is drenched with generalities that don't entice me to read further down the page, let alone the book.

Sallie Talbot may not have the life she’s always dreamed of, but she prides herself on finding joy in the simple things. Sure, she wastes her talents every day working for a two-faced employer who has all the intelligence and grace of a burnt-out light bulb, but at least she has a roof over her head.

Sallie maintains that life is good as long as things are quiet, calm, and running smoothly. Her quiet life is occasionally interrupted because she has the unenviable task of running interference between her famously hot-tempered mother and beloved Great-Aunt Ruth (a woman of questionable sanity immensely fond of spinning tales of youthful exploits in mysterious Peruvian villages), but for the most part Sallie’s life is quite calm.

Again, start with something interesting. The fact that Sallie likes calm can be dealt with in one phrase: Sallie values a calm*, well-running life.

We know something is going to disturb that calm. Get on with telling us what it is:

However, when a cool, Carolina October brings with it a series of sickening shocks, Sallie's serene, easy life is turned upside down, especially when her vibrant great-aunt takes ill and makes a startling confession, followed by a desperate plea: Will Sallie please drop everything and fly to an unnamed Peruvian village in search of Ruth’s long lost love, Arturo Zuruec, whom she hasn’t seen or heard from in over fifty years?

You told us Aunt Ruth was insane. If Sallie values inner peace why would she do something so obviously irrational? You have all the description here except that matters: WHY Sallie decides to do this. What does Aunt Ruth say that persuades her? Or does she just say "oh fuck it, I'm tired of inner peace, bring on the ~~Aztec~~ Incan warriors"

You have to give me enough to make me believe the character's choices. You can't just send her to Peru cause you need her there.

An uncharacteristic, blind leap of faith lands Sallie in faraway Lima, Peru, with her best friend and baby brother at her side. (she's taking a baby?? Be careful how you use words) Festivals, jungles, natives, and not-so-unexpected betrayals are just a few of the things that mark Sallie’s uncertain path towards Arturo Zuruec, and when a golden Adonis of a stranger, the handsome Gabe Foster, unexpectedly comes to Sallie's aid in a moment of distress, she begins to think that Gabe is meant to save her in more ways than one. Sallie can't help but wonder if she has anything to offer in return.

Golden Adonis is Greek. You're telling us a story set in Peru.

~~Continually lighthearted and at times surprisingly thoughtful, Cadence brings laughter and intrigue to a story of belated self-discovery, and resoundingly affirms that true love knows no bounds.~~

Who or what is Cadence?
Leave this whole paragraph out. It doesn't say anything. Use the words you save here to elaborate on what's important: What choices does Sallie face, what decision does she have to make; what's at stake, and why will I care. SHOW me the answers to these questions, don't tell me.

Although it is my first complete novel, I have previously had shorter selections published in (redacted) magazine, was named a notable essay writer for (redacted) and am winner of the 2009 (redacted) Creative Writing Contest. I am a graduate of (redacted), with a BA in American Studies.

Thank you for your time and consideration. ~~I look forward to hearing from you.~~

This is essentially a different take on Romancing The Stone. You've got to give me something more specific to your book so it doesn't look like an 80's movie.

Start over.

Form rejection.

*there was a typo here that's mentioned in the comments, but now fixed.

#114-Revised Twice, and yes, we have a winner

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Tue, 26 May 2009 04:36:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

“I Rode With Teddy Roosevelt”(working title)

IN 1883, 15- year-old Scottie Burns is hired by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt to work on his Dakota ranch. Like teenaged boys ever since, he finds a role model in this dashing, charismatic hunter/ rancher. As he grows ever closer to TR, Scottie also discovers a
darker, more cynical side to this political animal. TR, in turn, sees Scottie as a good hunting and fishing companion, personal aide and sounding board for his ideas.

Scottie matures as America grows in world stature, helped along by TR’s expansionist sentiments and racial “profiling” -- sentiments Scottie comes to seriously question. He also sees TR quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if it advances his political career. Scottie will experience that betrayal when he join’s TR’s Rough Riders invading Cuba. The two won’t meet again until the Pan American Exposition, three years later.

This 43,000-word novella offer’s Scottie’s view of the unromantic cowboy life and his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

I am a former a reporter, editor and columnist for the (redacted), have freelanced articles for regional and national magazines, have been anthologized and have a book about “classic” cameras still in print. I know the value of good editing, respond to it, and am trained
to meet deadlines.

This could be an interesting read for middle schoolboys. My teacher friends say that's a gap to be filled. I think their fathers would like it as well.

You should have better marketing ideas. May I send you some, or all off the manuscript?

Why yes, yes you can.

This is a really good revision, and the querier is benefiting from my feverish hunt for middle grade books for boys, particularly those based on real people.

------------------------------
First Revision
Dear Query Shark

Scottie Burns trailed along with Teddy Roosevelt from 1883 until breaking with the Chief after the Spanish-American War, fed up with seeing TR’s ever darker side. Meeting his idol in 1883 and working on Teddy Roosevelt’s Dakota ranch, the two become hunting companions.

After reading paragraph 3, it's clear we need to start this, or mention early on how old Scottie Burns is. (YA novels really need to have YA-age protagonists)

This first sentence pretty much sucks, and my guess is you'll see it now too. There's no sense of excitement here, no sense of drawing us in to adventure. You're still doing what you did in the original: giving us too much information.

You need a snappier first line. It can take days to get it right. Anything that has to be short and punchy is harder to write than a 250 word paragraph.

Teddy takes him back to New York after the Great Die-Off. T R needs to earn a living and has always been in politics. Scottie becomes his personal assistant, sounding board for ideas, and, in time, skeptical of Teddy’s Imperialistic tendencies. He detests the cavalier attitude
Teddy shows -- to even his closest allies -- on his way to the top and they part ways. As the 20th Century dawns, Scottie realizes he has seen the nation become a world power.

Focus on Scottie, not TR. That's the story. Tell us what the great Die-Off is. (My guess without googling is the 1919 epidemic)

This odd novel has me stymied: my wife says it could be a fine Young Adult novel-- especially for middle school boys for whom there is a dearth of books with “guy stuff” to pique the interest of otherwise lazy readers. I think adult Teddy Roosevelt admirers also will be interested. “A Rough Ride With Teddy” has ranch life hunting, fishing, the wonders of the current electromechanical age then dawning -- it even has some love and war.

Never ever use the word lazy with reader in a query letter. Those guys are going to be your audience. Treat them with respect.

How many words in the novel?

I got my first byline at age 13 and, hooked by newspapers, worked as a reporter, editor and columnist for the Buffalo News. I also wrote freelance magazine articles, saw work anthologized and authored a book on co;collecting and using “classic” cameras. I thus know a fair amount about publishing, about the help editors can give any writing, and -- for sure -- how to meet deadlines.

A full synopsis and chapters attached.

NO NO NO. NEVER EVER attach anything to a query letter unless the instructions specifically say "attach." If the instructions say anything else, such as 'include' 'contain' 'enclose' etc, put them in the body of the email.

You're still in reporter mode here; standing back and observing. Get into the story. Be partisan. Be subjective. Step off the sidelines and get into the mud, the blood and beer and make us see what that life is like for Scottie, what choices he faces, and why we should give a hoot about him.

--------------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Fifteen-year-old Scottie Burns is hired as a ranch hand by a young, vibrant Theodore Roosevelt in Dakota Territory. He finds an idol in this dashing, charismatic hunter/rancher. In time TR finds in Scottie a good hunting companion and sounding board for his ideas.

In their time together (1883-1900) Teddy becomes more manipulative and “political,” Scottie matures -- and the nation grows too, becoming a world power.

Scottie shows us the unromantic side of cowboy life. We share his fascination with the era’s technological advances: the bicycle, automobile, earliest movies and the birth of press photography

He hears Teddy’s desire for U.S. expansion, and his ideas about racial traits. He also sees TR’s constant striving and realizes that TR has lost his reformer’s ideals. Instead, he has become self-
centered, stubborn and quick to practice opportunistic cruelty to his oldest allies if that advances his political career.

Tho he doubts the need for war with Spain, he joins Teddy ‘s Rough Riders invades cuba and comes under fire at San Juan Hill. Once mustered out Burns, now 30, has had his fill of Roosevelt’s ambition and quits. He moves to Buffalo to join a photography studio and
prospers during that city’s industrial boom. There he is hired to photograph the Pan American Exposition.

That incredible summer fair signaled America’s arrival as a new, muscular world power. Millions came that summer for their first look at the miraculous X-rays, infant incubators and experience the marvels of electrification, which would soon sweep across the nation.
They also saw the fruits of the nation’s expansionist push.

When President McKinley is shot, Vice President Roosevelt rushes to a deathbed inauguration.

The two men meet again, Roosevelt turns on his charm to ask Scottie to rejoin his entourage. Scottie refuse -- but the meeting sparks his memories of their years together.

You've mistaken a query letter for a rundown of the events in the book. I swear I'm going to make everyone pass a damn test drawn from the QueryShark archives before sending me queries for this blog.

How many times do I have to say this? One more at least I guess: The purpose of a query letter is to incite interest in the book. It is NOT a rundown of the events, any more than a love letter is a rundown of the events you plan to woo her with.

Start with the hero. What conflict does he face? Not a war kind of conflict, but a choice kind of conflict. You've only alluded to it here: Scottie is conflicted when his hero isn't quite so heroic.

Now what choice must the hero make? What consequences of those choices bother him?

What I'm looking for in query letter is a sense of "what's amiss here, and what's going to happen because of it?"

Use that to structure your query. You don't have to tell the whole story; if you can tell the whole story in one page, I'm pretty sure I really don't want to read it!

Start again.
And read the damn archives.
I'm not in this for love yanno.

#112-REVISED-2nd Revision and a WINNER

noreply@blogger.com (Janet Reid) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:11:00 +0000

Dear Query Shark:

Where was her dog?

She felt the first splinter of worry when Hope didn't come in for dinner.

Emily Hunt lived through her dogs. When her dogs succeeded in the show ring and field trials, Emily owned their success. She watched them lounge in the sun when she needed to warm her own soul. She saw her God in her old dogs’ eyes.

It made no sense to keep the runt from an otherwise impressive litter, but Emily had a feeling. A strange, magical connection. And the little white whippet proved her right. Hope became Emily's star - a running phenomenon that showed her disappearing fanny to the fastest sighthounds in the country. But more, Hope became Emily's heart.

Hope had known only kindness from the humans in her life. Granted, humans make idiotic mistakes; dogs were used to that. The species was basically blind and deaf with noses that did nothing but decorate their faces. The poor dears had lost nearly all ability to communicate truth because they relied on their clumsy spoken language. "Blah, blah, blah," they'd babble on, saying nothing at all. Dumb, dependent, sweet creatures. Hope adored her Emily.

She was no ordinary dog. She could make humans hear her. Of course humans would mistake Hope’s words for their own thoughts. Most humans did, anyway. But dogs knew.

After she was grabbed her from her yard, Hope encountered a new breed of human. She stared through crusty cage wires at indifference, greed, and evil. The indifference hurt the most. She was sick, she was sad, she was so tired. She felt madness licking closer.

Emily's search to find Hope uncovered the dark underworld of stolen dogs. They auction dogs like cattle. Emily had known about puppy mills, where dogs were kept in criminally abhorrent conditions and literally bred to death, but only as a distant, shameful concept.

The thought of her dog at a place like that.

Hope had been gone for two years. Even Emily was thinking maybe it was over. Could she give up and go back to her comfortable life, as her friends and husband advised, (dogs get lost all the time, you don't let it ruin your life, for God's sake move on), or would she keep trying to search for Hope? She had her other dogs to train, to compete, and there was a waiting list for puppies. But the dreams were so damn real.

And then she got an email. A lead that changed her life in a way she never imagined.

Because of one very special little dog.

Little Hope is 78,000 words.

I believe this book, told from the both the human and distinctly canine points of view, would appeal to young adults and the world of adult dog lovers.

I have self-published two editions of a collection of short stories, essays, and poems. The first edition of 800 sold out, with twenty-five copies not yet offered for sale. The last three copies to sell on eBay sold for more than $150 apiece. The second edition, which contains thirty new writings, is currently selling. I have been published in national and international dog magazines. I write commentary for my local NPR station, ~~and maintain a blog with a small following, getting from 3500 - 10,000 page views per month, depending on the number of posts.~~

You had me in the palm of your hand right up to self-published. That's why I'd advise taking it out. Even if you think it unfair, it's true there is a prejudice against previously self-published writers at the query stage. You don't need this in a query; it's not a writing credit. Leave it out. You can always mention it later after your agent has signed you up and sold your book.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best-

wow! You REALLY improved this query. Congratulations on all your effort and hard work!!

------------------------------------------
Dear Query Shark:

Childless landowner Emily Hunt lives through her whippets, especially a little bitch named Hope. Other dogs immediately recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, hampered by their clumsy reliance on the spoken word, mistake hearing Hope for their own thoughts.

What do "childless" and "landowner" have to do with the story? Are these the two most important things we need to know about Emily? My guess is no, they are not. Therefore, don't put them first in a query letter.

When Hope disappears, Emily is determined to find her, haunted by memories of her first dog, taken away when six-year-old Emily was placed in foster care. She will not have another dog taken from her, though her obsession threatens her friendships and her marriage.

I'm not sure we need to know why Emily is determined to find Hope. It makes sense that if she lives through her dogs, she's not going to just let them be dognapped and not do something about it.

Hope has entered the dark world of stolen dogs: dog auctions, commercial breeding facilities, and puppy mills. After two auctions in as many years she is halfway across the country living in deplorable conditions. But here she connects with Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'.

Alcoholic and widower! Evil incarnate! Oh wait, it's the "criminally neglects" part that is important isn't it? Focus on what's important. Leave out all the description.

Caleb is determined to save Hope when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction. An Internet search convinces him that his little white whippet is the same one that is advertised as stolen on the pretty lady’s website.

Why does he want to save her?

Caleb thinks Emily hasn’t arrived in time and tries to stop the auctioneer from taking Hope, getting beaten by his dad for his efforts. With the gavel banging, a weak Hope feels Emily’s presence and turns toward her. In horror, Emily realizes that the pathetic dog is her Hope. A dirty little boy with a blood-smeared face is screaming as loud as she is.

You've given us a synopsis of the book, not a reason to read it. You'd do well to revise this and focus on the dilemma Emily faces, not the series of events that happen. Right now this doesn't make me wonder "what happens next" because you've told me.

Little Hope~~. The manuscript~~ is 78,000 words.

~~Thank you for your valuable time.~~
My time isn't any more valuable than yours.

Use this: Thank you for your time and consideration.

Better, but still a form rejection.
Remember the goal in a query letter is to entice me to read this book. Clearly it's a subject you're passionate about. Get some of that passion on the page. This is a list of events, not a siren call to the page.

-------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL
Dear Query Shark,

Emily Hunt lives through her dogs. Whippets. Elegant, art deco creatures built for speed with eyes deep as God and just as knowing. Emily's youngest whippet, a little bitch named Hope, blasts into the quirky world of sighthound enthusiasts and quickly establishes her unlikely self as a star. Dogs instantly recognize Hope's extraordinary gift: humans can hear her. Humans, with their diminished capacities, are clueless.

I'm confused. (This is not a good sign) Who is the book about? Hope or Emily? Because you start with Emily and the fact that she "lives through her dogs" I'm thinking this is a story about Emily. Then it sounds like it's a story about Hope's ability to communicate with people (I"m going to forgo the Bitch Whisperer jokes here because, despite the last sentence, I don't think you're going for a sardonic tone.)

Emily lives on a secluded estate in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley, passed down to her husband over generations of horsey landed gentry. Though the couple is childless, Emily has her dogs, her rescued thoroughbreds, and her friends. Her husband, Edgar Emerson Hunt, III, has a busy law practice in Washington, DC. Life is good.

This is pointless. What happens?

Hope vanishes from the yard, and Emily's world disintegrates. When a well-meaning friend says, "It's just a dog," Emily slaps her, hard. She will find her dog. It is a matter of trust.Through her searching, Emily's own past as a foster child in Baltimore is revealed.

A matter of trust? I don't understand what you mean. The dog trusts Emily to find her?

Hope survives in the seedy underworld of dog auctions, commercial kennels, and puppy mills. At the end of the end, a back yard puppy mill in Missouri where she's one of 110 dogs in a rickety garage, Hope meets Caleb, a scrawny ten-year-old boy, whose alcoholic widower father terrorizes him and criminally neglects his 'breeder dogs'. Caleb hears Hope, loves her, and is determined to save her when his father consigns her to yet another dog auction.

whoa! Missouri? Caleb? Where's Emily? What does any of this have to do with the first two paragraphs?

The dramatic conclusion gets Emily past the gun-toting guard at the auction barn just in time to not recognize Hope on the auction block. When she 'hears' her dog, she can't hear her own screams, and dismisses the vision of a dirty little boy with a fresh black eye who is screaming as loud as she is.

You're mixing show and tell here, and neither come out well. Emily doesn't recognize Hope. She can't hear her. Why is she screaming if she doesn't recognize the dog? Why is she having a vision? Do you mean she is seeing the boy?

The conclusion is relentlessly rewarding.

Please please please don't tell me how I'm supposed to respond to a book. It just makes me say "wanna bet?" SHOW me what I might find relentlessly (an odd modifier for) rewarding, instead of TELLING me.

Little Hope. The manuscript is 78,000 words.

(two paragraphs from novel redacted)

Don't include lines from the book in your query letter. Include the first 3-5 pages, at the end.

Thank you for your valuable time.

all the best-

Who is the main character? What happens to her? What choices does she need to make and what are the consequences.

Have I yammered about that enough? I guess not.

Answer those questions. That's the basis for the query letter.

People like to read about dogs. You might have a good story in here. This query letter is like an Springer Spaniel with a winter coat. It needs a bout with the clippers to spruce it up.

Form rejection.