Quiet Defiance

Prayers of A Husband

2021-03-04T10:15:00.007-08:00

A few months ago I came across one of Bryan's prayer journals...and I wept. It wasn't organized, color-coded, or neat but oh how he prayed for so many of you, for the church, for this city, the future, for his kids and for me!

At the bottom of one of the pages he wrote:

"Pray Jesus to move in power to bring Kimberley

out of teaching to get to the Calling (you have for her)"

Seeing his handwriting, the prayers on his heart...broke me. I literally crumbled to the floor not just in grief but because of incredible LOVE! To know that my husband was going to God and requesting that He move mountains for me is overwhelmingly beautiful. Bryan's faith to ask bold things always amazed and sometimes scared me :) But the way he KNEW me, humbled me daily. Bryan looked past my outwardly and obvious strengths, my very very apparent weaknesses, past my hurt, my blustering, my doubts, my fears. For twenty-five years he saw me as MORE than....he saw things that I couldn't and stuff that I didn't even believe about myself yet. This was so POWERFUL to me as a wife.

But Babe, what does this look like now? I'm a single mom, the sole provider. This job is my safety net, guaranteed, with health insurance, and 20 years experience. I can't imagine doing anything new...without you here cheering me on, your constant encouragement and support. Holding me when I cry because I'm scared to fail or take the next step. Speaking truth over me as the enemy's arrows try to pierce my heart. Please don't hold me to this RIGHT NOW!!! It's too big to do without you by my side.

In my prayers I let God know all these reasons why the timing just wouldn't work; too many unknowns, not enough energy, too broken, no strength or capacity to even consider change of this magnitude after the last year. My Jesus gently responded with "Kimberley, do you trust me?" and loudly shouted, "I AM YOUR SAFETY NET!"

So for the first time in 10 years I did not sign my teaching contract. God has released me and closed that door.....the responses are falling into three categories:

1) Yeah....that makes sense.

2) Hmmm.... what is she going to do?

3) Oh dear she really has no plan...she has lost her mind.

I can't answer many questions because I don't have many answers but I can tell you that I am at peace and confident. With the prayers of my husband covering me and the perfect faithfulness of my Jesus...I say, Let's do THIS! What's next?

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." Psalm 20:7

Almost 25 Birthdays Together...

2020-12-18T01:06:00.000-08:00

December 18th, 1995 we celebrated your 21st birthday together! We had only been dating a month but I wanted to make it special! I didn’t have a lot of money but you are only 21 once...and you chose to hang out with me! So I scrapped the funds I needed to rent a limousine because you had never been in one. I knew then you deserved to be spoiled. I loved surprising you and seeing the look on your face when it pulled up to get you. Priceless! Your smile stayed the same even though the driver almost killed us, he limo was falling apart and the food at dinner was not that good. The way you smiled at me made feel on top of the world and it was your birthday!

When I look at this picture..I see how young we were. New. Untried. Innocent as to what is to come. Insanely attracted :) You were a hopeless romantic and I was a skeptical observer, waiting for the shoe to drop, for the trust to unravel and you to not be whom you claimed to be. We talked for hours, laughed until we cried, and kissed until our lips were chapped 😍 Standing there with arms wrapped around each other I had no idea that I would be your wife, the mother of your children, your partner in everything. I could not even fathom that you were to become the other half of my soul, the love of my life, my rock, my heart.

25 years later the shoe never dropped, the trust never unraveled and you were EXACTLY who you claimed to be and much much more! You taught me how to love again by being consistent and kind, even when I tried to push you away. You restored my faith in men who back up their words with actions, showed up, and treated others with such respect. Your love gave me courage to face the pain. Your consistency kept me secure. Your patience gave me the space to figure out how to be me! Your encouragement made me believe in myself when I usually had such deep doubts. The way you served others made me a better person to be less about myself. Your faith in how big your God is humbled me to dream bigger!

When I look at this picture... I see two ordinary people, complete opposites, on different paths that God put together and used to write an amazing love story to glorify Him. I look at this picture and know how ABSURDLY well I was loved, how blessed I am, and what a treasure I was given with you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Babe, oh how I wish you were here so I can hold you one more time. Look into your eyes and see myself the way you did. Tell you that I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think of you and my eyes light up when I talk about you. I miss you desperately but I will love you for eternity. #Sideways8

“And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” 1 John 2:17

New Bathroom, Old Ideas

2020-12-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

The last part of the house to be redone was our back bathroom. It was bad...really bad. Not only is it small...really small, but it was literally falling apart. No one but Bryan has used that shower in years. We tried to clean it, scrub it, disinfect it and no matter what it still looked gross. We kept telling him he was going to catch Ebola or the Plague from just being in there. But he LOVED showers...really loved them. He liked that he had one area which was his own space, his quiet time and sometimes would take 30-45 minutes. I would remind him that he was wasting water, time, and seriously it wasn't a luxurious experience so why did he take so long? I might have poked fun of him of few times....(leave me alone how could I not).

"Bryan, most people have a prayer closet to spend time with God. Not a water closet!" "Babe, are thinking you are bathing in Holy water?' Lakin would say, "Dad you don't have that much hair to wash?"

He would always calmly reply back, "This is where I talked to God, dream, and sort out my day." I would huff and puff, but then smile because he was so right, like usual!

Because we have lived here for over 20 years and some of the conversations we have had after he has come out of that shower have actually been life-changing for us and many others. Important job decisions were made. Kid problems, finances and arguments worked out. Ministries and business were started. Churches were birthed. The Refuge Center, Amplified Productions, Elements City Church, Eliminate Hunger Food Distribution, Generosity Feeds, Serve Sunday, numerous sound systems designed and much much more all emerged from Bryan's time in his extremely tiny H2O Oasis.

His bathroom is now brand new, all the way down to the studs, thanks to leaking water. Grays, whites, clean, fresh, bigger, and better. Oh how I wish he was here to enjoy it...his space, his closet for prayers and dreams. Oh how I wish we would have done this sooner. He deserved it.

But babe, I had to do something little to give it some pop! The pink is to help me smile and not be so sad when I'm in there now. It reminds me to breathe and smell the "roses" when I am surrounded by the memories of you. It's where I go to cry so the kids can't see me and I want to be near you. And Bryan, I also pray in there a lot :)

#sideways8

#Godisstillgood
#Prayermatters
#hotpinkismyfavorite

Growth Has A Price

2020-03-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

"When the storm is out on the ocean and the violent wind gets to blowing......oh take me back, all the way back, to my first love!"
(Take Me Back by Maverick City Music)

Lord, I want to be whole! I want to be free! I want to be so sensitive to your Spirit that I say what you want me to say, see things how you see them, act like you would act, and love like you love! I want to forgive! I want be renewed and restored! Help me to hunger for your presence and thirst for your word! I want to offer everyone you put in my path; your light and hope!

I don't want to self-protect or build walls that hide all that you have redeemed in me!

I don't want to hesitate to trust or love others because I think the risk is too high.

I don't want my wounds and scars to SCREAM LOUDER than my FAITH!

I won't remain stuck in my hurt, with my head down, going around in circles, lost in the feelings that get me nowhere.

I don't want to pretend or stay superficial because I am afraid people won't like the real me.

Fear has no place here. It takes up too much space. It crowds out your grace, your mercy, your abundant promises, and your truth.

Lord, help me to have a posture of humility rather than pride that comes so natural and robs me of your blessings.

This season of winter will not hang around forever....the "SON" has not left me. His radiance and warmth faithfully draws me closer. Springtime always comes after the cold and the thawing of my heart begins. Seeds of hope take root and begin to break through the hard soil. When the storm blows over there is fresh ground for new growth, new sweet fruit, new opportunities, news songs, and endless possibilities. He is ALIVE in me doing a new thing!

I will not let the enemy steal my songs of praise, my worship will rise up and my soul will still declare His Holy name!

I CHOOSE joy no matter the circumstances.
I BELIEVE in your promises!
I have HOPE that holds on through the strongest of storms.

God you are so good. You are working even when I can't see it. You are there even when I can't feel you. You have never let me go.

Here is to new beginnings, however painful it might have been to get here.
Take me back to my first love......... you Jesus!

"Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." Isaiah 35:1-3

Summer of Healing

2019-08-17T16:27:00.002-07:00

This summer we didn’t go anywhere tropical or on a trip of a lifetime. We don’t have pictures to post all over Facebook about fun adventures or amazing places visited. Yet, this summer has been one of the most powerful, impactful, and life-changing that Bryan and I have ever had. It is hard to put into words. I can't really do it justice because our experiences haven’t been about good information but supernatural transformation. Now that I look on the past year, I know God has been getting us ready, preparing us, for these divine appointments with Him.

This summer has been about healing ...healing our hearts where we didn't even know there were wounds. Digging down to the places buried deep in the corners where unforgiveness had taken root, hidden by those fortified walls we build to protect us from hurt, and releasing it all at the feet of His throne. Wow! This was so freeing but yet not easy....roots are often strong and entrenched, not wanting to give up their hold with just a gentle tug! There was a cost and an emptiness that had to be replaced with the love of God by the power of the Holy Spirit.

...healing our trust that God does indeed have a plan and a purpose for Tucson! That this desert will not be spiritually dry forever. The time is coming when He will saturate the land with living streams of water that will restore, renew, and refresh the territory that belongs to Him!

...healing us of an unnatural heaviness that weighed down our shoulders physically and our souls spiritually. Jesus says in Matthew 11:30, "For my yolk is easy and my burden is light." We had to honestly search our hearts where we had taken up yolks that were not ours to carry. We had to confess doing things in our own strength and relying on our skills rather than in Him.

This summer has been about discovery of the POWER of prayer that went beyond what we could ever imagine. Not our usual small mamby-pamby prayers of checklists and begging for things we want. The kind of strategic and specific prayer that comes from being connected to His Spirit that unleashes the fullness of His power! Prayer that expects mountains to move, chains to break, and the darkness to bow because of the Great I AM!

We discovered the gifts that God has given us with His Holy Spirit. Gifts that are not often talked about in most churches or are surrounded by confusion because they seem weird. The gifts of wisdom, great faith, special messages, discernment, miraculous acts, prophecy, healing, unknown languages, and interpretation of these unknown languages. (1 Cor 12:-10) God has a toolbox of gifts for us to use and we walk around carrying a little lunch box. Maybe the power tools of the Spirit are scarier, misused or misunderstood so we just don't bother to talk about them. But Bryan and I got to experience what true unity and a oneness looks like with a group of believers all working together in their gifts and it was amazing! Now that we have tasted this, we crave it.

God also gave us REST this summer....not the kind we try to get on a vacation or a day off but rest IN Him! We can find rest in His word, in His presence, in His power... whenever we spend time with Him. This kind of rest fills our soul like nothing else this world has to offer! Our creator longs for a relationship with us. Not a check-in when we think about it or when we are desperate; but a vibrant, active, on-going, real connection to Him. All we have to do is ask!

Healing, discovery, and rest...not usually on our bucket lists. Can't make a photo book about it. Won't get many likes on social media....but really how are we living without these?

"With my whole heart, with my whole life, and with my innermost being, I bow in wonder and love before you, the holy God! Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy. You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!" Psalm 103:1-5 Passion Translation

Lakin is 18! Am I Ready?

2019-01-12T10:20:00.001-08:00

Today my first born turns 18! She is an adult. She can vote. Move out. Get married. Sign contracts. And all the other things adults can do...without our permission. Am I ready for this?

Lakin, when I found out I was pregnant with you...I wasn't really ready to be a mom. It caught us off guard because our big "plan" was to wait years before having kids not months :)

When I found out you were a girl, I wasn't ready. I was scared because I didn't know how to get along with females all the time and I didn't know if I was capable of being a good mom to a daughter. What if I messed you up? What if you hated me?

When you went off to preschool, kindergarten, junior high, and then high school, I wasn't ready. When you had your first crush on a guy, got your heart broken, flew across the country by yourself, and got your driver's license, I really, really wasn't ready for any of that. You were growing up so fast! Your Dad and I didn't have a play book or any experience. We made many mistakes and goofs along the way! Some out of fear and my own hurts and hang ups. Many times it was just plain being human.

But today, on your 18th birthday, I am ready!!! Not because I have it all figured out or that I am not sitting here bawling my eyes out as I write this. I am ready because Lakin, I know without a shadow of a doubt God has you in His hand. With His love, mercy, and lots and lots of grace, you have turned into an AMAZING young woman!!!!

I am ready for you to pave your own path and embrace your future!
You have a great head on your shoulders!
You have a huge heart! You care deeply for others!
You went through high school and stood true to your faith. That is a feat in itself :)
You have overcome obstacles that to most would seem insurmountable!
You have kicked down so many of your fears and not let them hold you back anymore!
You have shown all of us that YOU are braver and stronger than we could have imagined!!!
But most of all, I can see, how much you love JESUS!

Lakin, YOU are ready!!! You are ready to live out your purpose and His plan for your life. You are ENOUGH! Just the way you are, not because you are perfect but because you are HIS! A masterpiece! Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Don't live life on the sidelines or be afraid to fail!! Take risks! Dream big! Be kind. And never, ever forget, how much you are LOVED!!!!

Mom and Dad

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

THIS IS ME!!

2018-12-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

The other day a friend made a comment to me, that some people probably couldn't "handle" me. I just laughed it off thinking whatever, probably true. But today I was doing my quiet time and I thought, "Hmmm what am I agreeing to when I hear that?"

What lies do I attach to that statement? Am I too much? Not enough? Too this or too that? Do I need to act differently around others, according to their personal tastes? Do I minimize myself so I can make my personality more digestible for them? Is that what I would tell my daughter to do?

"Hey, Lakin, I don't want you to seem too confident, too sure of yourself, or be a strong leader because it might be hard for some people to "handle". So make it a point to know what everyone in the room likes and adjust yourself around that so you will be more liked."

Just thinking about saying those words to her gives me a stomach ache! I can't imagine anyone telling their son, "try not to be too strong today honey or in charge. It might be hard for others to be around you." Blah!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to my fussy habits or high maintenance traits. But at this point in my life, I am coming to believe THIS IS ME and I am kinda okay with it! Sure there are things I would like to get better at (I tried to lower my voice and sounded like Barry White with a cold) and of course God is constantly working on my heart. But let's be honest, if I am not your cup of tea, rather than try to change or poke at me, you can always make the choice to smile and walk away. No harm, no foul.

More and more, I want to spend time with people who are FOR ME! Who want me to be the best Kimberley I can be! They see my faults, look past my mess, over my need for control on certain things, embrace my lack of cooking and technology skills, my fast talking, not completing sentences, and love me anyway! I want to hang out with people who won't find little ways to chip away at my self-worth and make me feel less than. They see my heart and know that there is more to me than my "strong" personality and mixed up sayings. (Fold like a piano or slick as a board could be real right?)

Sometimes these friends will have to pull me aside and let me know, "Hey Kimberley, you missed the mark on that one or 'That did not come off like you wanted it to'. Feedback with intentional love and grace is invaluable!!

Sticks and stone will break my bones and WORDS can be just as devastating. My prayer is to try to look at people, as their own unique masterpieces, created by a loving Heavenly Father, who doesn't make mistakes. And if for some reason I can't, I can choose to just smile and walk away, not tear down.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

What is Propel?

2018-05-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

Many people are asking what Propel is all about? And it's actually hard to put into words. Is it a women's group? Yes, we are all ladies. Is it a Bible study? Kind of because everything we talk about is grounded in scripture. Do we chat in small groups and have food? Most definitely! Think taco bar :) But these descriptions skim the surface because they don't adequately give the full picture of what happens, what goes on, or what you feel when you leave...........Propel is just MORE!!!

Propel is a community that becomes stronger and stronger over time.

You never leave the night thinking, "What a complete waste of time!"

It's worth the 45 minute drive

leaving the dinner on the stove

the laundry undone

the family complaining

It's time for you to recharge

to just be you

to breathe

to be seen!

Propel is friendships

sharing laughter and tears

heartache and fears

letting go of the hurts and holding tight to the truths

Propel is being a part of something bigger than yourself

It's watching women transform in front of your eyes

Bursting out of cocoons into beautiful butterflies

Spreading their wings

some flying for the first time

Propel is encouragement from others that you are enough

That you were created for a purpose to be lived

Have a passion within you waiting to be unleashed

A potential for you to possess, new mountains to climb

Propel is a hug that makes you know you are not alone

That you will always have a tribe, a herd of females

Making a circle around you when you are wounded

Stomping their feet in warning

against those who would attack

Propel is different

we fight against the norms

Women can get along

cheer each other on

Complete not compete!

Propel is love

It is hope

It is possibilities

It is a home away from home!

"I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 (The Message)

About Last Night....

2018-04-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

How can I describe last night? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and leaves me at a loss for words that would adequately paint the picture for those that were not there. But I have to try...because last night DEMANDS A RESPONSE!

On Tuesdays our Propel Women Tucson Group meets to encourage, uplift, and empower each other. We gather to eat, laugh, pray, share, and yes even cry, as we prove that women CAN get along, woman can be each other's cheerleaders and we are better together!

Last night, I had asked my new friend Marina Holland to share part of her journey with us. If you know her, she can be shy, quiet, and definitely not the one in the room that likes any attention. But last night, all eyes were on her as her story unfolded.

This is where my words fail me...I cannot give justice to what we experienced. From the moment Marina opened her mouth we were all captivated! Her breathtaking transparency and stark honesty seeped into our souls as she shared an unimaginable tragedy of pain and loss. There was an awe-inspiring beauty in her bravery and strength to relive even a small part of her darkest hours. The love on her face when she mentioned her only son Manny shined brightly through her eyes and smile! But the JOY that radiated from depths of her heart came out when she gave God ALL THE glory in the midst of circumstances that would slay the mightiest mama! No one should ever have to bury their child!

When she finished, the silence in the room was reverent. Our emotions were all over the place. Because her story was our worst fears played out but she also gave us an extraordinary HOPE of the unfailing and never-ending promises of our Savior. But....

Imagine if........ Marina didn't have a tribe to surround and help her through her grief? The loneliness and despair could have crushed her.

Imagine if......... Marina didn't push through being uncomfortable and terrified of speaking in front of people to share her son's story and legacy? We would not know that over 100 people were saved at his funeral!!!!

Imagine if........ her son didn't know Jesus? There would not be the blessed assurance of getting to see each other again!

Imagine if.........YOU never knew that God loves you so much that He wants to see you dancing and singing in heaven with Him, your family and friends for all of eternity!!

Last night was supernatural. It could only be described as an encounter with Jesus!! We are definitely better together and we are unstoppable with GOD!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

Daughter, Don't Compare!

2018-03-07T16:24:00.002-08:00

My 17 year old daughter is sharing her testimony. On her public high school campus. For the first time ever. Tomorrow. Of course I am proud of her. And yes this is amazing for so many reasons. One being she has been terrified most of her life with speaking in front of people to the point she would almost make herself sick at just the thought. So this is HUGE!

But more importantly, how about the fact that she will be taking a stand for her faith in the midst of her peer group! For her to have the courage to not be ashamed of loving Jesus even though it is not popular blows my mind. Because at her age, I was more into what I wore to school, who I was dating, and did I fit in!

As she is writing out what she is going to say, she turns to me, "Mom, I am starting to have doubts because my story isn't as 'loud' as some of the other students. Theirs is more dramatic. I know I am not supposed to compare but it's hard not to. I have to go last and what if nobody listens"

My precious, precious daughter how do I tell you with words that you are enough! Your journey with Jesus is unique and beautiful and YOURS! Don't listen to the lies of the enemy that your story is small. Don't get trapped in the cycle of comparison that you don't measure up. Start with the blessings of having a stable family. Tell them that you have known God all your life. Tell them that your life verse is 2 Timothy 1:7.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Tell them your faith was tested in a big way, January 31, 2017 when you entered the hospital and didn't come out for 3 days after you were diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Tell them that this verse is imprinted on your heart and you live by it daily because you are thankful that you woke up! Tell them that the reason you are up here in front of them is because your faith is now stronger than your fear!!!

Lakin, remember you are talking to an audience of ONE! God doesn't care if your story is loud or if there is only 3 people in the crowd. It matters more that you are sharing it and giving Him the glory! Keep saying YES to Him daughter! Keep trusting Him with all your heart, mind, and soul! The power doesn't come in the drama it comes in His never-ending, extravagant LOVE FOR YOU!

Why I Hated Church

2018-02-19T16:10:00.001-08:00

I have often wrestled with why I had such a profound distaste for going to church in my teens and early twenties. There were so many reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I disliked the whole process, start to finish, from getting ready on Sundays to getting back in the car when church was over and everything in between. Why should I have to dress and wear only “church” clothes or things that were “church” acceptable (pantyhose were a must in my house and I knew for sure these were made by the devil himself). I had to act a certain way, pretend to like everyone else, so as not to stand out or call too much attention to myself. Different in church does not mean better it means different. Besides fitting in, I never really said what I was thinking or feeling.

“How are you today Kimberley?” “Fine” or “Great” was my usual reply. God forbid I actually told them the truth. “”Right now life sucks. My alcoholic dad left again, my mom is off her rocker, and my sister is a basket case. I’m hurting, alone, angry and confused.” Can you just imagine their faces? The whispers behind my back? The judgment in their eyes? The awful clichés thrown back at me? God never gives you what you can't handle, The Lord turns bad into good, maybe you are not praying hard enough” Nope, everything is just fine. Then my family would get back into the car throw off the churchy stuff and start bickering right away, until next Sunday.

I felt the sins of my father, the sins of my family deeply. In these years I never encountered a personal relationship with Jesus and I learned church was a place for the fashion police, mean old people, fake smiles, teenagers playing their parents for fools and the ever creeping feeling that I would never be good at following all these rules. I decided I did not want to play this game anymore. Church became irrelevant at best a hurtful place at its worse.

After years of avoiding church people at ALL COSTS Jesus came a knocking. I opened my heart to Him but not without a fight… I was angry…with Him! Where had He been? How could He have let certain things happen? Is He for real? Will He keep His promises? Because if He was the “church” I grew up with NO THANK YOU! I’ll take my chances with the world. At least I don’t expect much from it.

Of course God met my anger with love. I came face to face with a real God, a real Jesus. Now, I can never accept less than the real thing! We want, no we crave, authentic relationships that surpass the normal superficial ones that people settle with. Let's fill our churches with deeper, meaningful, and genuine, believers willing to love wholeheartedly, not surface level!

"He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." Ephesians 4:16

She Woke Up!

2018-02-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

Today, my daughter woke up! Seems to be a pretty normal thing for most kids right? But Lakin was diagnosed one year ago today with Type 1 Diabetes. There is always the danger with diabetics that their sugar goes so low overnight that they go into a coma. So every morning, my first thought, my first prayer is for her to wake up. It's always in the back of my mind, not focused on, but an unwanted, ever present, awareness that this is a horrible possibility.

January 31, 2017 is definitely a day we will never forget but I am not sure how to handle it. How do we acknowledge such a life changing event that wasn't cause for joy? How do we make it special but not weird? Do we celebrate? Throw a party? Ignore it all together?

I definitely don't know how to tread in these unfamiliar waters especially with a seventeen year old, almost adult, young lady. So I took the easy way out...I asked her! Her response was to start her own BLOG!!
Type 1 Of A Kind (https://lakinelise.wixsite.com ) will be launched today and I am amazed at how she is handling the stress of this disease. She has gone from being fearful of joining any club, leading groups, or speaking in public to becoming President of the Yearbook, Co-Leader of Bible Club, a member of Student Council, and educating other classes on Diabetes Care. Gone are the days of innocence where the most major thing she had to worry about was what to wear to school. She cares less about what people think of her and more about just being herself. She takes her faith a little more seriously and has to rely on prayer in a whole new way. She has this confidence that could only come from overcoming a great obstacle and walking through the fire.

As a mom and wife to diabetics, I would not wish this disease on anyone! But sometimes our worst circumstances turn into our greatest accomplishments. Sometimes the very things we feared can push us into doing more than we ever imagined we could do! So to you my precious, precious daughter...DREAM BIG! BE FEARLESS! BE YOU! and never forget you are the daughter of a mighty, mighty King! YOU ARE DEFINITELY ONE OF A KIND!

“I have learned courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

"....because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Is She Going to Make It?

2018-01-12T08:43:00.003-08:00

January 12, 2001. The doctor came in and mumbled, “I am sorry but the epidural is not going to work. We took it out, put it back in and sometimes these things just happen.” I could not process this information. Where in birthing class did they tell us this was a possibility? I signed up for an epidural! I am not ashamed to say I wanted pain medication. What do you mean not going to work? Is it broken? What’s the next step? Who is in charge? You are the head of anesthesiology? What do I do?

“Ma’am, we can’t give you advice as what to do. We can only give you the facts.” Again, you are the head doctor and you can’t at least make an educated suggestion? Well how am I supposed to know what to do? I am in a lot of pain here in case you guys forgot that these are Pitocin contractions. Intense does not adequately describe this kind of pain!

I frantically looked into my nurse’s face and asked, “How bad is this going to get?” With tears streaming down her face she quietly whispered, “Much, much worse.” Ummm, the nurse crying was not very reassuring. In fact I am now completely freaked out!!! My mind was reeling with questions and doubts jumbled together with the relentless pain of the constant contractions. “I need everyone to leave the room.” The nurse protested. “We can’t do that. We have to continually check the monitors.” Again I said, “I need everyone to leave the room. I have to get myself together.” I am in delivery, with no epidural, I am not progressing, the nurse is crying, my husband is looking bewildered, and no one will tell me everything is going to be all right. What the heck does together really mean? I have to go to my source. My comforter. God is the creator right? I put on my headphones and slipped in the Third Day Offerings CD.(Remember a decade ago there were still CDs)

The song that was playing was "King of Glory"

“Who is this King of glory that pursues me with His love..” God this child was your idea, your plan. What is going on?

"And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words..” I am freaked out right now.

"My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need…” Is my baby going to be okay? I have become attached to her. I want this baby!! “

"Who is this King of glory who offers it to me..” I fell in love with her the moment I saw her heart beating on the sonogram screen.

"Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace..” I do not feel peace right now. God I need you to show up.

"Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries..” You promised me ten years ago you would never let go. Right now I need you.

"My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand” This is between me, you, and this baby. I have been faithful. I have followed you. Promise me my baby will be okay. Promise!!

"Who is this King of glory, Son of God and son of man” Did I mention that I am really, really, scared?

I lay there, my body screaming in agony with the life inside me demanding to come out. My legs were completely dead from the epidural. My left arm was in a cast from falling and breaking my elbow the day before. The other arm was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and had an IV line in it. My body was broken. It had let me down. With no arms or legs working, I felt helpless, defeated, wondering how on earth I was going to get my daughter out. I could hear my heart and the music pounding in my ears battling for my attention. My mind was racing in all different directions trying to wrap my brain around what was going on inside my body. “God, did I mention her name is Lakin?”

“His name is Jesus, precious Jesus” Kimberley, I gave you my precious son Jesus.

"The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart. The King of glory” I am your King, my glory will reign.

”Who is this King of glory with strength and majesty” I am your refuge, let me be your strength. Let me be your rock.

”And wisdom beyond measure, the gracious King of kings” Don’t you think I have a plan? Don’t you think I know what is going on?

”The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things” I am the creator, Kimberley. I knitted your daughter together in your womb. She is a gift from me. I love her more than you will ever know.

”Who is the King of glory, He's everything to me” I will you show you my glory. You and your daughter will be fine. Everything will work out. I have a plan for Lakin’s life. She has a purpose. She will be okay.

"The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things. He is the King of glory, He's everything to me”
Precious, precious Jesus like the song says, you are the Lord of heaven and earth, my creator, you are everything to me. I am sorry I doubted you. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Let’s do this!!

The nurse quietly slipped in to check the monitors. My husband followed behind her. All I needed was to look in his eyes to let him know I was in a better place. He nodded his head and said, “You ready?” Yeah, I am. I know everything will be all right. Our daughter will be okay.

The rest of Lakin’s delivery was very traumatic. My body never fully got ready for delivery. Her collarbone was caught on my pelvic bone and she was stuck in the birth canal. After three hours of excruciating pushing, things started going downhill. Her heart rate was dropping and I was exhausted with barely anything left. My doctor looked up and pierced me with her eyes. Very quietly, but with extreme firmness she said,” Kimberley you have got to get her out now!” She nodded to the nurse and muttered something. Again tears welled up in the corner of the nurse’s eyes. She glanced down at me shaking her head and said, “I am so sorry.”

At that moment my doctor yelled push. The nurse jumped up, pushed her elbow and the force of her body into the top of my stomach. I grabbed her arm and through clenched teeth asked her what exactly was she doing. Pain seared through every part of my battered body, too fatigued to even fight back the assault coming from every direction. All of a sudden a red light started flashing, alarms went off and an army of people rushed into the room. I felt my daughter literally being ripped out of my body as I fell back against my pillows, slumped in physical devastation. Lakin was swiftly put into the arms of the specialists. My senses were heightened but I could barely muster the strength to utter the words, “Is she okay?"

Yes!! Yes!! She is fine! Her right arm is slightly limp because of the trauma of being forced out but everything else looks great. Congratulations Bryan and Kimberley, here is your daughter.

Lakin Elise Lee, 8 pounds 13 ounces, 19 inches long. I looked in her eyes, kissed the top of her head, and inhaled her sweet baby fragrance. I whispered in her ear, “Lakin, this is your mommy. I have been waiting for you. You are my gift from God and He has a plan for your life.”

Who is this King of Glory who is everything to me?
His name is Jesus..precious Jesus.

3 Teenagers in the House! Be Alert!

2017-12-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

I have three teenagers in the house! Three. Although I love that they can all bathe themselves, don't use diapers anymore, and can get dressed independently, being a mom of teenagers brings a whole different set of issues. When they were younger, I considered the day a WIN if they were alive, somewhat clean, and ate more than chicken nuggets for food! Now, the worries seem so much more serious, with life-changing consequences. From driving a 6,000 lb vehicle safely to making good grades for college applications, having a healthy self-esteem so they don't make bad choices, or choosing good friends who will have a positive influence on them, the minefields to help them navigate through are formidable. One wrong step, especially with saying NO to a 16 year-old girl during her period, can have our family reach the level of DEFCON 1 Status where nuclear war is imminent!

The last few weeks Bryan and I had noticed more than the normal bickering, arguing, back talk, and separation from each other. Sunday morning we all went to breakfast to spend time together and "chat"! We knew we needed to rally as a family. Get on the same page. Re-align ourselves to our values. Stay connected. This is not an easy feat with everybody going different directions and having 5 people's schedules to manage.

I wanted them to look up 1 Peter 5:8 in the Bible.

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

If we believe in God we have to believe in the enemy. Acknowledge that there is an enemy that comes to seek and destroy. He loves to wheedle his way into the weak spots, cause dissension, and confusion. The goal is to literally tear down families, marriages, relationships, children, teenagers, churches, communities, cities, and countries. It's not normally a drastic break off, but little by little side steps taken, until you are so off track, going in the opposite direction of where you want to be, and not knowing how you got there.

My heart is heavy for my kids. For all teenagers. These next few years are a crucial and often a painful transition into adulthood. They are at the prime age to be attacked, to feel isolated, left out, rejected, and fearful. Their thoughts can become so twisted and manipulated, giving into pride because they think they know everything or doubting the truths and people they grew up with.

NOT ON MY WATCH! It says, "Resist him and stand firm!" So if I have to I will say no to that party. Unplug the video gaming system. Take away the phone. Be an active part of their life even when they try to push me away. Listen and not try to fix everything. Encourage them to dig deeper into their faith, serve others, go to church, read their Bible, and stay connected even though they are resisting. I will not give into my feelings of being liked, being popular, cool, or being their friend. I will deal with my own issues of trying to fit in or striving for the mom-of-the-year award or the prefect-put-together-do-it-all-Pinteresty, everybody envies me on Facebook mom.

Most importantly I will pray! And PRAY some more for protection of their heart, mind, and soul. The battle is not with our kids but with the spiritual battle going on for their future!!! I will put up a fight of epic proportions, with the God of the Universe on my side, for my family to STAY CONNECTED and Stand Firm!

Lawson's Journey Part 2-October 2017 Still Sick

2017-11-09T08:24:00.001-08:00

We have battled the gluten for 5 months. It is everywhere! I look at bread and baked goods with a different eye now. 1/50th of a crumb is hard to avoid unless we are very diligent. We are down to three restaurants but even those are iffy. Lawson has his own red dishes, cookware, new toaster and basket in the pantry. I read labels like a professional nutritionist, always on the watch for 'hidden" wheat ingredients that are under different names; (flour, bulgur, semolina, matzo, graham...on and on.

But yet he is still sick!

His blood work came back great! His Tissue Transglutaminase Antibodies (tTG-IgA) went from over 75 to untraceable! That means he has been good at not ingesting any gluten.

Yet he is still sick.

We went and got him allergy tested...again. 90 skin pricks later, we found out that he is allergic to over 20 different foods. All nuts, beans, watermelon, broccoli, cauliflower, sunflower seeds, sesame, soy, eggs, and more. But they said to not to stop eating any of these because they wanted to see if the allergens showed up in his next set of tests. Yeah, that's not going to work for this momma. I will not feed him something that is causing him pain. We took all of the top 10 out of his diet.

Still sick.

So here we are, another scope, both ends. It's a terrible thing to watch your kid get ready for a colonoscopy. (Not pretty for anyone) But it has been more awful watching your 12 year-old son, lose 17 pounds in 5 months because he violently goes to the bathroom multiple times a day. He misses school, fun activities, and has anxiety whenever leaving the house. I just want him to enjoy being a boy!

If you know Lawson, he has an infectious smile and an awesome sense of humor. He loves deeply and gets along with most everyone. And apparently he has killer dance moves (recent wedding we went too he killed it)! I have seen these health issues slowly take away some of his free spirit! Some days we just have to keep making inappropriate bathroom jokes just to keep him laughing. Our life revolves around poop...literally. We are hoping these cameras find nothing more serious. But no answer is bad too. It has been almost a 4 year journey!!!!

Eating to him means pain.

When the doctor walks out of the operating room, my heart feels like its beating out of my chest and I can't breathe. "Lord, Lord, I cry out. I can't do this! I don't want to hear the news. Have you seen this kid's smile? Hasn't he been through enough since he was born? I feel like such a baby! So many other families are going through worse. But this one is mine and my heart is breaking for him. This has been a year of trials and we still have 5 months to go!"

"Kimberley, we have been here before and my promises are still true. You can do this because no matter what the doctor says, I will be with Lawson and your family. My love never fails. It is a true and perfect love."

In my head, I start singing the song that I clung to after Lakin's diagnosis;

I Have this Hope by Tenth Avenue North.

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm the storm when I hear You call my name

I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

"Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Lawson did great! There were no signs of Crohns, Colitis, cancer, infection, or EOE. He is still showing Celiac damage in his upper intestines but it looks better than 3 months ago. There are white blood cells present in his stomach which means he still has inflammation. This could be why he is still struggling. We expect this will resolve itself after he has been gluten free for 6 months to a year. It sometimes takes that long for the gut to heal itself."

Lawson is still sick but we are CLAIMING healing! He seems to be slowly getting better-ish. But no matter what, this mom, has a HOPE that comes from the DEPTHS of my soul, that in both the triumphs and tragedy HIS GRACE can be seen.

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23

Lawson's Journey-May 2017

2017-11-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have put off writing this post. I feel if I put it down on paper it will become more real. It seems easier if I just go into survival mode, put blinders on, and press on. Denial can be so strong. Dealing with truth of any kind is painful and exhausting. After endless years of unexplained sickness, allergies, asthma, chronic stomachaches, and numerous tests, Lawson was diagnosed in June with Celiac. Again our world was topsy-turvy, with another life-changing autoimmune disease. Our lives had to stop, re-calibrate, as we researched and learned about a whole different set of issues other than our daughter's Type 1 Diabetes. I have heard so many people make comments on this whole "Gluten" thing. "It's a phase. It is just a way to spend more money on expensive foods. It's the latest fad. It wasn't around 20 years ago, so I don't believe it. How serious can it really be?"

The doctor spoke slowly so I could digest it all, "Kimberley, Lawson's intestinal wall is very damaged because he highly allergic to gluten. Every time he eats it, his immune system mounts an attack on this part of his body. Left untreated, Celiac disease can lead to additional serious health problems, like Type I diabetes, multiple sclerosis (MS), anemia, osteoporosis, infertility and miscarriage, neurological conditions like epilepsy and migraines, short stature, and intestinal cancers. There is no cure except total elimination of all gluten from his diet, which is found in many foods, drinks, spices, medicines, and other products. He needs separate dishes, utensils, toaster, and other appliances need to be monitored for cross contamination. 1/50th of a crumb can harm him and cause a reaction. Eating out will be a problem because there are many places who offer gluten free items but they are touched by other gluten containing foods or workers who don't change their gloves. He will have to be very, very careful. There are few APPS that you can download that might help."

WTH???? That was the response in my head. Why didn't the other doctor tell us this 2 years ago? I specifically asked! "Apparently not enough biopsies were taken from his intestines. The damage can be spotty at first so at least 6 sections need to be sampled to get an accurate diagnosis." Seriously!

New toaster? 1/50th of a crumb? Eating out is our way of life! Cross contamination sounds like a science experiment? Did I mention we always eat out? An app? Are you kidding me? No medicine to make it go away? Total elimination? That sounds impossible! I was trying, but failing, to process all this information. It was like a fire hydrant of facts, opened full throttle, and aimed right at my brain.

Deep breath! Pray! Repeat! Deep breath! Pray! Repeat!

"God, need you here, before I go into full freak out mode! Kind of overwhelmed at this moment. Feeling like a failure for not doing enough before this. Don't think I can handle ONE MORE THING with my kids! Are you kidding me?"

"Kimberley, calm down. Dig deep. I am here. Lawson is mine. I have a plan for his life. You have to trust me in the storms. You can DO THIS! Not because you are strong, but because my power is made perfect in your weakness. You need to lean on me, when you don't understand or grow weary. Sing my praises and know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have your son's name written on the palm of my hand."

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalms 100:4-5

I Don't Like Cheerleaders

2017-08-24T14:17:00.002-07:00

I am not a fan of cheerleaders, mostly because at face value, I do not see the point. Rarely do they make a huge impact in the sporting arena, to me, especially when I watch from the comfort of my home. Even the bows that are bigger than their heads tend to irritate me. Yes, they are usually pretty or good looking, their outfits are adorable, border on scandalous, and they can do some crazy athletic moves. But truly it seems like they can be more of a distraction and basically a mini-sorority, with lots of stereotypes attached to them, some well-earned.

When my daughter was four, we were walking by my old high school football field; she pointed to the cheerleaders and said, "Mommy, I want to do that." My reply was what a very biased parent would normally say, "Oh no Lakin, anything but that! I want you to play a sport and not go around half naked. There is too much drama that goes along with being on a squad."

I can already hear the uproar from the parents starting to formulate all the arguments about the pros of cheerleading, which I know there are many and I can feel the daggers coming out, for those who disagree with me. But first, remember I can have my opinion. Second, I actually was a Varsity Cheerleader in high school and was in a sorority in college.

But lately, I have been thinking I might be looking at the whole cheerleading thing all wrong. Instead of rolling my eyes in slight annoyance, I might even start to become their champion. Why the drastic turn around? Well, a cheerleader's most important jobs are to get the crowds involved in supporting their teams and create a community of school spirit, both of which I LOVE!

In fact, in the current climate of mudslinging, name calling, lying, cheating, insulting each other over differences of opinions or beliefs, and general all-around unrest, I propose that we should start ALL becoming cheerleaders! We could become more supportive of each other on, help create a community spirit that cries out, "Let's get involved together, let's UNITE as people! We don't have to AGREE on everything but we can be decent human beings to each other."

Maybe we can stop shaming and arguing about who is "right" and who is "wrong". Maybe we can stop rolling our eyes or being frustrated at others for our personal PREFERENCES and start celebrating all the wonderful differences that make us unique. Maybe we can begin shouting about ALL the things we are FOR, rather than putting people down for all the things we are AGAINST. If you want to go see the new Disney movie go. If you don't, then don't go. If you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, breastfed or bottle fed, voted for Frick or voted for Frack, like to drive Chevys or cruise around in Imports, recycle or can't find your magical blue garbage can (sorry), why does it have to be such harsh judgment and criticism of the other "side"?

Don't get me wrong, I played sports. I like competition. I actually claim the title of Reigning Queen Champion of Boggle and Scrabble in my home. (No one will play with me anymore because I can get quite "aggressive') I do not believe every kid gets a trophy or a ribbon. It's important to learn how to deal with not being first, not winning, or being disappointed. Competition is healthy in certain areas, but it is not helpful to pit nations, tribes, races, sexes, religions, or political parties, against each other just because we see things through different filters.

And yes, as a Christian, there are truths that cannot be compromised but if we truly want to follow Jesus we MUST really get to know His character. Most of us are not representing Him well at all with our hateful prejudices, misguided fears, and making people conform to our "perfect" image. Our job it to tell people the good news, and let Jesus change their hearts.

So give me a, "2,4,6,8 who do we appreciate, Hoo Rah! Let's go Team!"

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” Pastor Rick Warren

Mercy Me!

2017-04-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to the Mercy Me concert as a family. The kids were not super excited, "Mom, they are like 40 year old men!" I almost gave in and sold their tickets, but I just had a feeling we were supposed to go together. Doubt crept in again as we argued about taking a picture with all of us and everyone was complaining about how hungry they were. As we settled down and the music started, all three seem to be enjoying themselves and at least were nodding their heads. They even got up, clapped their hands, and danced around laughing. Towards the end, I began to worry about the time, how late it was, what our crazy week looked like coming up, and questioned whether we should leave early.

The lead singer, Bart Millard, was talking and letting us know the "curse" of a songwriter was that usually songs were written out of a painful experience he had just gone through. The last one he was introducing was called, "Even If". This song was THE ONE I had been waiting for! We couldn't leave until I heard it! The words have really spoken to me during this whole journey with Lakin. I have wept many times, cried out to God, and worshiped Him while listening to it.

Bart explained that this song came out of frustration when he knows God can heal, he knows God can fix something...but doesn't. It was written after he had a really bad day, because he just had gotten done at the doctor's office with his son who has Type 1 Diabetes!!! He was upset about how all-encompassing his son's chronic illness is and how it touches every part of their lives.

Type 1 Diabetes? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That is what he just came out of his mouth? That song, my song, came from this guy's struggles with his son's T1D? I snapped my head around and looked at Lakin, she said, "Can you believe it?" I leaned over into Bryan's arm and just started sobbing. Not necessarily tears of sadness but overwhelmingly filled with so many emotions. THIS is the reason we are here tonight! We are NOT alone. She is not alone! She had to hear from the stage, surrounded by thousands of other people, that her fight will be alongside MANY others. This disease does not care how much money you have, what color your skin is, how old you are, or who your dad is! It is relentless. But it doesn't mean the God who controls the universe and created you doesn't care or has left you behind.

Thank you God for reminding me that there are no such things as coincidences and Team Lee was right where they should have been last night!

Even If (parts of) by Mercy Me

"You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul"

Hospital Stay

2017-03-09T15:23:00.003-08:00

Watching your child lay in a hospital bed hooked up to a mess of wires is beyond hard, unimaginable even. This little human who you vowed to love and protect, since the moment you laid eyes on them, seem to get swallowed up by the white sheets and beeping machines. Nurses and techs come in and out, checking vitals, asking questions, talking medical jargon like we should be on board, all caught up, used to the idea that Lakin has this chronic illness.

I felt beyond hopeless. As her parent, I should be able to fix things, change the outcome, or make it all better! I wanted to jump into the bed, take her place, and yank this awful disease from her. Please God, let it be me! I should be the one! I would trade places with her in a heartbeat!

I had not slept in over 29 hours. I was coming down with a cold. I could not stop crying. I couldn't eat and felt sick to my stomach. I am a big girl and getting food down has never been a problem. But everything tasted like sawdust and was sticking in my throat; I gagged on a simple muffin and a banana. Well-meaning people kept telling me, "Kimberley you are strong, you will get through this, at least you have Bryan, it will get easier, they have made so many medical advances"..........I couldn't clearly hear or process everyone's words. It was as if I was swimming under water. Muffled sounds. It reminded me of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to him, "Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah."

I am not strong! I can't handle this! Not this, not Lakin, not now! I want to wake up and pray this is all a dream, or actually a nightmare. If I close my eyes and then open them again, I will be lying in bed with Bryan, praising Jesus because it wasn't real! It's not real. Right?

After 12 hours in the hospital, I met a nurse with a syringe in her hand, going into Lakin's room. I stop her and ask her what she is doing. She talks to me like you would a 2 year-old, "Ma'am I am giving her insulin." What? What are you taking about? We haven't seen a doctor since we came up from the ER. We haven't heard an official diagnosis from a medical professional or talked about the game plan.

The nurse decides talking S-L-O-W-E-R will help me understand her, "This is her long-lasting insulin which the doctor ordered for us to give her."

"Well, then that doctor can come talk to us and help our daughter understand what is happening rather then walking in here and injecting a drug in her that she is not familiar with. My husband isn't here and I am going to need more information before we take this step. Since I actually know she doesn't HAVE to have it right now, how about we wait! Just because this isn't new to you, this is life-changing for her and us, we are going to need a little bit more understanding and grace from you!"

"So no shot?"
'No! Don't go near her yet. You haven't even checked her sugar in hours. "

An eye roll and a tut later, the nurse backs off and says, "O-K-A-Y....." This would be the beginning of many issues we would have to advocate for our daughter during her stay. Like in any job, there are amazing people and some that should choose a different career field. We had to be constantly aware and vigilant about everything taking place with Lakin's care, even if we were exhausted, sick, and devastated. It was not enough to believe that since we were in a hospital to just let the professionals take care of all the details. Come to find out many mistakes and misunderstandings can take place in this setting.

At night I would lay there listening to Lakin breathe, watching her chest rise and fall. I was fighting to gain perspective and give praise for all the blessings that were still happening in the midst of all the heartache. To be honest, one minute this was easy and the next I was sinking into sorrow! I was all over the place emotionally. I cried out to God, "Lord, I am struggling but thank you that Lakin is alive! Thank you for giving us another day! Thank you that this is not worse and will be something she will be able to 'manage'."

The lead nurse kept asking me if I was ready to give her a shot because Lakin couldn't leave until both parents had shown they could do it without help. I am not scared of shots, needles, or pain for MYSELF!!! When it comes to my children it is a whole different ball game! No, please don't make me push a needle into my daughter. It will make it too real. I waited until the last minute and the nurse congratulated me for being only the 2nd mom to not cry. What she didn't know was that I was all cried out by this time and working on being completely numb to everything. :(

As for Lakin, she went from being terrified of any kind of needles to a little over 12 hours later giving herself her own shots. She was AMAZING, with learning about all her new medications, equipment, and nutrition changes to calculating her carbohydrates and sugar correction ratios. (Lots of math) I saw her pull from strength deep within and process all the information being thrown at her with a dignity and poise far beyond her years. She kept her sense of humor and made jokes at her own expense to help others cope with what was going on. The night she got out of the hospital she went home, took a shower and showed up at her high school basketball game.

We had over 65 visitors; stop by to give their love and support of her and our family. We were overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness, and prayers of our community. The flowers, balloons socks, coloring books, ice teas, food, phone calls, Facebook posts, smiles, and hugs truly got us through these difficult days. It kept us busy and distracted to not have to focus on the "chronic diagnosis" Never once did we feel we were all alone or not cared about! It was so important to feel connected to our "people" while going through a storm than to drown in isolation.

While I would not wish a hospital stay or illness for any child, we have become closer as a family and a community! When Bryan and I couldn't stand by ourselves our family and friends came and held us up until we could get our legs back underneath us. The prayers have helped shine light and clear away the fog and numbness of our hearts and minds. I also believe without a shadow of doubt that beauty will keep rising out of all these trials. I know that God's glory will reign and that He has a plan for my daughter's life to LIVE BIG!

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:2-5

She Wasn't Even Sick!!

2017-03-06T13:31:00.002-08:00

On January 31, 2017 my world stopped turning. Flipped upside down. When I crawled into bed that night hoping to get some sleep, I had no idea that our family's normal would be completely changed a few hours later. We had just returned from dinner, where we actually had a fun time laughing and joking with each other. We came home, did homework, packed lunches, and talked about when Lakin was going to take her driver’s test. At 10:00 PM instead of counting sheep, my husband and I were on our way to the Emergency Room with our sixteen year old daughter. It wasn't because she seemed sick. She didn't have a fever, a stomachache, a cough, bleeding, or anything else you might think would send us out in the middle of the night.

Everyone keeps asking the question, "How did you guys know?" Well we didn't, kind of....

A couple of weeks before this, Lakin made the comment after school, "Mom I am so thirsty! I ran out of water at school and my lips are really dry too." I told her to get something to drink and put Aquaphor on, it cures everything.

Nothing should have triggered me. It is completely normal for a teenager to have dry lips and be thirsty, in January, when it is cold outside. She also had just gotten her braces off and was fitted for her retainers. It made sense that adjusting to wearing these were causing these symptoms. But for some reason my heart did a little flip. I looked at her and said in a very casual way, "What if you have diabetes?" She got mad at me of course, like a usual hormonal 16 year old girl. My husband even told me that was not funny. Bad joke.

I felt silly for saying it out loud and had no idea where that thought came from. But I couldn't stop the unsettling feeling that something wasn't right. I decided to watch to see if she got up in the middle of the night to go pee a lot, which is another sign of diabetes. She didn't! Not once. So I chalked it up to being an over-reactive mom with a slight bent towards hypochondria :)

A few days later she went over to a friend's house after school. She said she fell asleep and took a nap. I asked her if she was feeling okay. She said she just felt a little tired and had a headache. But again, she had stayed up late the night before studying for a test and had started her period which always puts her in a whole different category of crazy!

There was an explanation for every symptom and none of these were major enough to set off alarms bells. Mild headache, thirsty after school, and a little more tired and cranky. That describes every teenager I know!

What made us think we should take her to the ER? That night, after we all were tucked in ready to go to bed, Lakin came into our room and bounced on our bed. She looked fine on the outside, cheeks were rosy, and she definitely wasn't "acting" sick. "Hey guys I am really thirsty and really hungry." My first thought was, "Well eat snack, get a drink, and go to bed."

But my stomach dropped. My mind started spinning and retracing the past few weeks, something is not adding up. She just ate a big meal. She shouldn't be hungry. She is thirsty but not peeing more so it doesn't make sense. Denial set in almost immediately. It doesn't seem too abnormal, does it? This isn't what diabetes looks like! She would be sicker right? Lakin hasn't even gone to the regular doctor in over 12 years, she is never ill!

"Lakin, go get your dad's meter we need to check your sugar." I could see it in her eyes. She knew something was off. I started praying or actually begging, "Please God, don't let this be diabetes. Please God, don't let this be true. NOT HER! NOT NOW! NOT EVER! Don't do this...."

Yes, the reason we had a meter at home is because her dad has been a Type 1 diabetic since he was 11 years old. But please don't be tempted to think, "Well they should have been prepared because of Bryan." We were not. When Bryan and I first got together the statistics were less than 12% of him passing it on to any children we might have, if at all. It is an auto-immune disease with no clear answer as to why the body attacks itself. Is it caused by a virus? Genetics? The environment? She had made it to 16. I thought we were in the clear!

The first time we checked her sugar Bryan said the meter wasn't working and he had to do it again. I knew, he wasn't telling the truth. I saw his face change slightly with a seriousness and concern. He checked it a second time. The number came back.... it read 472. What does that mean? Well, the normal person's blood sugar is between 70-140. Is there another explanation or reason for having a number this high? No. It is like being pregnant. If the two lines are there, you are pregnant. You can't kind of be. Either you are or you are not. The same with sugars. To read this high you are diabetic. Your body is not producing enough insulin to keep it in check.

With tears in my eyes, I quietly told Lakin she probably had Type 1 diabetes and she needed to go get dressed. We had to go to the ER. We gathered her in our arms to pray for courage and strength to deal with this. I felt time had stopped and went into survival mode. I had to be strong for her but inside I was dying and so confused! What do we do? Who do we call? What is the next step? Why her? Haven’t I given you enough God? My mind scrolled through all the Bible verses I have hidden in my heart over the years, but I couldn't find the comfort I was desperate for! My daughter was just diagnosed with a chronic illness that would affect every part of her for the rest of her life! I didn't want cliches thrown at me no matter how heart felt they were, I was pissed and devastated! Nothing made sense anymore…

NUMB! I Can't Even...

2017-03-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

God speaks to me when I write. It usually is intensely intimate and emotional. Every word typed is clouded with tears of joy, hope, praise, prayers, lesson learned, and often heartache. It leaves me very vulnerable and extremely raw. A month ago, our world turned upside down with our daughter's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. There are so many thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I am fighting with, so many stories to tell. I feel God trying to get me to the place to write it all out.

BUT I DON"T WANT TO! I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and refusing to go there. I just want to stay NUMB! I can't deal with these overwhelming feelings that are threatening to consume me. I am just trying to survive...day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Keep busy. Stick to my routines. Take care of the kids, the house, the schedules, the church, and work. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Don't think too much or dwell too long on anything. I am not ready to truly go there with you God! I can't even.....

I have always said that transparency is attractive but these next few posts might not seem that way to many of you. I am working out my faith publicly, not because I want to, I would rather struggle privately, but sharing this very personal journey, might help others see that life is far from perfect but God's promises and truths will get us through no matter what. Even when we don't have the courage or strength to handle any of it.

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm…

Sweet Sixteen

2017-01-12T10:22:00.000-08:00

Today is my daughter's birthday. She turned 16! As a writer, or at least someone who uses words to communicate, I am speechless! It is more than the feelings of, "Where did the time go? How did this happen so fast? I can't believe she will drive!" It's actually EPIC, exciting, terrifying, bittersweet, and overwhelming all wrapped together......

"Dear Lakin,
You took my breath away the first time I ever saw you. When they put you on my chest, I looked down into your big brown eyes and felt you glanced into my soul! It was like you reached inside and touched my heart with a jolt of electricity! It was almost a challenge, a huge wake up call, "Hey Mom, I am finally here. What are you going to do with me now?" I knew, right then, that I would spend the rest of my life being your champion! Loving you with all my heart until I take my last breath.

These last 16 years watching you grow up have been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I could not ask for another kind of daughter to help make me in to a better person, to deepen my faith, and to call me mom!

I know being a teenager isn't always easy. Kids are mean. Boys are stupid. Nothing seems to make sense. Emotions are at an all-time high. Finding your place in this world can be awkward and hard. But there are a few things I want you to ALWAYS remember as you are beginning to make this transition into adulthood.

You are LOVED! Even if you are mad at us, don't agree with our decisions or think we don't know anything, your dad and I would die for you in a second! Team Lee for life! (Even when you change you name after you get married)

JUST BE YOU! Don't conform to what the world wants or expects. You do you and no one else's idea of what you should be like. You choose your journey. You pave your own path. You are strong, courageous, and have it in you to move mountains and accomplish your dreams! Never quit! Don't ever try to have it all together or be perfect, that is so unattainable and overrated :) Just be you!

OWN IT! Own your life. Never push it off on someone else. If you make a mistake, apologize. If you feel strongly about something, say it! If you want to do things differently, DO IT! If you fall down or stumble, get up and try again! Character and integrity count, don't let anyone try to talk you into something else. No matter their job title or position they hold.

Your IDENTITY is in Christ! Not in this world or what people say about you. Not in a boy if he likes you or not. Not in a job or how much money you make. Or what kind of car you drive or house you live in. Don't believe the lies, focus on the truths. No matter how loud all the noise is.

Community Matters! Stay connected to God, your family, and your community. When the storms of life come and try to knock you around or even drown you, all three will be your life lines. Who you surround yourself with will determine so much.

Lakin, I am in AWE of the woman you are becoming and the amazing person you are right now! I will treasure all our "talks" and car rides to school. I will be your loudest cheerleader and your biggest fan. (No matter if you get embarrassed :) I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom and hope I have lived up to the challenge you threw out that first day, "I am here and what are you going to do with me?" LOVE YOU FIERCELY that's what I will do!

Happy Sweet 16!
Mom

A Hole In My Heart

2016-12-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

This has been a season of many goodbyes. Each family, every person left footprints on our lives. They were all part of our journey, in some way, big and small. We have watched many of them grow up, get married, have babies, say yes to Jesus, go on mission trips to far away countries, take jobs in different cities, and go separate ways.

Each goodbye is hard. Really hard. When I see their posts on Facebook it makes it real that we are not going to be living life together anymore. When we pray over them I struggle with tears thinking about how much we will miss them. When I see my kids crying or asking if "they" are ever coming back again, I sometimes ask myself if loving people so much is worth it.

In a few weeks, two guys who are dear to my heart, have both opened new chapters in their lives. This means they are leaving. More goodbyes. While I am so excited about their new adventures and support them following the path God has them on, my heart grieves! I will miss them! They have both made such a huge impact on me, my kids, our community, and our church. We have shared so many life experiences, highs and lows, and celebrated a lot of milestones together. They are more than friends they are FAMILY! The spirit bonds us in a way like no other, knitted together by a higher power!

I have constantly taught that community matters! Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when you feel the loss deeply. When someone leaves they should LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR HEART. A hole in your schedule, in your life, and in your church. It means they were loved, they were engaged, and they served. The hole represents time that was spent building relationships that went beyond the superficial, deeper than the surface. The hole represents the memories of laughter, tears, heartaches, growing pains, mistakes, successes, frustrations, joys, Monday night dinners, and everything in between!

As I am bawling my eyes out writing this, God promises to fill that hole with His love and He reminds me that most importantly, we are a community of believers that have a common purpose. It's bigger than me, them, all of us. We were united together to bring the hope of Jesus to the heart of the city! Committed to love God and loving others. So the answer to my question, "Is it worth it to love so much?" YES, OH YES! I wouldn’t trade it for the world or for not feeling the pain or shedding the tears! I am a better person for knowing all of YOU!! I am blessed and honored to have walked with each of you, some just a few steps and some years of being messy together!

#communitymatters

#Teeds #Gomez #Harrisons #Livingoods #Kims #Ricky #Trey #Josh #Steyearts #Lauren #Boices #Austin #Baldridges #Banks #Phillips #Johnsons #Clarks #Pinkletons #Prices #Elizabeth #Megan #Jordan #Levi

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Act 2:42-47

THIS ONE IS FOR THE BULLIES WHO SAID HE COULDN'T!

2016-10-07T11:50:00.003-07:00

Thursday afternoon Landen's flag football team played for the Championship against one of their rivals. The game was intense. The other coaches were screaming and yelling, calling out his number for the players to attack, parents on their sidelines got ejected for being ugly, flags were being thrown all over the place, and the clock never seemed to run down. We were ahead until the last 5 minutes when they scored a Hail Mary touchdown. We went into overtime, each getting the ball on the 10 yard line. We both scored. Now we were in double overtime!!! The sidelines were packed with teachers, parents, and friends. We were cheering them on but at moments it was so quite because we were waiting to see what happened next. They got the ball and through numerous tough plays we stopped them from scoring. We had one last chance to make it into the end zone. HUT..HUT.. the quarterback threw the ball right towards LANDEN! As you can tell he is a big guy. His position is left tackle, an offensive lineman. They are there to be a brick wall and are not known for their speed. My breath caught, I felt like I stopped breathing! OH NO!!! If he drops it, or falls, or gets his flag pulled it's over. He runs as fast as he can..... straight over that magical line and SCORED THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN! All his teammates and the sidelines stated chanting his name, the crowd went wild, and this mom, after I could breathe again, I said a silent prayer, "Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus for giving him his moment!"

You see this moment was bigger than football, bigger than a touchdown, even bigger than a championship game. This moment was about my son knowing that God has a plan for his life. That God didn't make a mistake making him. Because a few years ago, Landen was struggling, painfully!

He was always a big kid and of course in elementary school anything different is an opportunity to be made fun of, which they did. He was called names, made to feel stupid because he wasn't as fast as some of them, and not picked for teams because they didn't think he could play because of his size. One night as I was putting him to bed I noticed he had tears in his eyes. My son looked up at me and said words no mother wants to hear, ever!! "Mom, I am kind of mad at God for making me this way. I want to ask him if he made a mistake." My heart broke. Into a million pieces. I wanted to go beat up all those bullies at school who were tearing apart my precious boy!

I grabbed his face and said, "Landen, you are PERFECTLY and WONDERFULLY made! You are not a mistake! God has a plan for your life. Be brave and HOLD ON because it will all work itself out. I promise! Just wait until middle school when you will grow into this body. It will all come together! Don't let others pull you down. Live your life with integrity and confidence that you have a huge heart which is way more important than how fast you can run." I went to bed crying for him and for all the other kids who are bullied into thinking they are a mistake! Or less than!

In a week, I know that a middle school championship will mean nothing in the big scheme of things. Our school has a closet full of broken and dusty trophies. I don't even care if he ever plays football again. But to this kid and this mom, that winning touchdown yesterday......that's to all the bullies who said he couldn't!!! Thank you Jesus, for giving him his moment!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14

Road of Death...

2016-09-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today my daughter has a volleyball game in Douglas. She will be going with her high school team, in a school bus, on a 5 hour round trip. Doesn't seem like a big deal until I tell you that almost 25 years ago, my best friend died on this very road in a car accident. The details of that day are gruesome, the after effects on her family and me still resonate with us to this day.

My first instinct was to not let Lakin go. It's just one game. She will get back too late. Doesn't seem worth all those hours gone for about 40 minutes of playing time. Maybe I should just drive her or have her dad go pick her up. That way I can control at least half of the trip. Right?

Then my worry started getting more intense, if you can believe that, and a little more irrational.....the school is near the border. What if something happens? What is their exit plan? I don't want her going to the bathroom by herself. What kind of safety protocol is in place? School zones are notorious for NOT protecting the students.

Once I began to release the doubts in my heart the floodgates opened up and filled me with anxiety that was almost crippling. I CAN'T LET HER GO! It's not worth the cost.

"Kimberley, For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7) I know, I know! This is Lakin's life verse that we have prayed over her for years but I am THE MOM! I am allowed to be concerned and fearful of something happening to my daughter. It is my job to protect her!

"Kimberley, I know how much you love Lakin and I hear your mommy's cry, but remember she is mine! I knitted her together in your womb. I have counted every hair on her head. I have numbered her days according to my will. I have created her and have a purpose for her life. You cannot keep her in a bubble. You can't control the world. You cannot "protect" her from every thing."

But God, my heart can't take it if anything happened to her. I want to trust you, I do, but the fear can be overwhelming when it comes to these precious three humans that call me mom. What if I miss something? What if I forget to tell them not to talk to strangers, look both ways when they cross the road, don't be on your phone in the parking lot not paying attention....and, and, and.

"Kimberley, practice what you preach! You have told your daughter at least a hundred times that fear cannot rule her life. You have shown her how to be brave and face obstacles in her path. You have quoted scripture to her from the day she was born and now you must model it. Lay it at my feet and trust me."

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7