Quintessential Ramblings

Somethings Gotta Give

2011-03-01T21:39:00.000-06:00

If I were a contestant on the Biggest Loser this week I would've heard that dreadful phrase "I'm sorry to say Sarah, you are NOT the biggest loser." *sigh*

The truth of it is Kim and Pam totally handed my ass to me on a silver platter this week. Pam is feeling so good about herself that her energy busted through my screen when I got her update yesterday (it was quite a site, wish I had my camera). Kim had a lovely 4 day visit with her newly appointed FIANCE! So a big congrats goes out to my skinny bitch Kim for taking the marital plunge! She considers "intimate" relations and the flu as major contributors to her ridiculous amount of weight loss this week. That could in other instances be a dangerous combination but, for her it seemed to be just the right one.

I don't know really I have every excuse in the book....coming down from a high stress week, too many feel sorry for myself trips to the pantry, not enough sleep, not enough water...WAY too much coffee, pain and that's probably just the short list. Truth is though that generally those are the very "excuses" from preventing most women from being consistent with weight loss. We are always too busy taking care of other people, far too busy to even think about taking care of ourselves.

I heard it all working at U Weight Loss; "I had this horrible pain in my pinkie toe this week and I just couldn't go for a walk.", "My sister's best friend's dog died and it was just so stressful I ate a whole tub of ice cream.", "My husband wanted to watch football all day on Sunday so I forgot to drink my water." Okay maybe some of those are exaggerations but, really not only do women in general not take care of themselves they also blame it on everything and everyone. I know I do, most of the time.

So I went 6 weeks doing well and for the past 2 weeks I've noticed a decline happening again. What is with this 6 week mental block I have in me? I think someone pushes my self destruct button while I'm sleeping. Ugh. Lucky for me I've managed to maintain my weight loss but, I know from experience the scale will surely begin to tip in the other direction soon enough. Well NOT this time fat ass! I'm done, I'm not going back before I start again. I woke up this morning and made the decision, food diary again...on the treadmill tonight and we continue. NO STARTING OVER.

I finally got my 24 hour collection over with for the Endocrinologist after a not so pleasant phone call from her office asking where it was. She is checking for Cushings which is the very last thing I wait on before hopefully not seeing her again for another 5 months. She just needs to keep an eye on the goiter to make sure nothing is changing. If it grows anymore it will need to be surgically removed so I would like it to stay just the way it is thank you very much. Other than that things have been improving on the health front nicely.

Without torturing you further with my brain barf here are the stats for the week:

Skinny Bitch    Start Weight   Loss lbs    % weight loss   Total lbs    Total %

SARAH                167                   0               0%                      5            2.91%

KIM                     199                   4                2.01%               12           5.80%PAM                    186                   2                1.08%               10           6.12%

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper....ONWARD!

My Big Fat Weigh In and Other Sad Stories

2011-02-22T19:35:00.000-06:00

Well technically yesterday was "weigh-in" day otherwise known as weekly torture but, I did not dare step on that scale when I got home yesterday evening from a weekend in St.Malo. I crashed hard core but, luckily I compensated with quite a bit of exercise so actually getting on that scale today wasn't as traumatic as I anticipated it to be. No loss, no gain...I'm okay with that really.

I "escaped" to St.Malo this weekend sort of on a whim. My mother informed me that the Festival des Amis was going on all weekend and we should come on out...well let's just say after the 2 weeks I've had she did not have to twist my rubber arm one bit. In fact I cancelled all pending engagements and although this is the second time I've cancelled on a dear friend (Sorry Alida), I just knew I had to breathe this weekend....I was surely going to suffocate had I been left in my current state.

Aidan and I hit the open road straight after school let out on Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough. After a restless night of sleep on the couch and an emotional hangover all I needed was to get there...every minute passing drawing me nearer to my refuge, my sanctuary....my lifeline.

I hope that each one of you that's reading this right now has that place to go to, a place to just be and feel good, sleep, eat and be merry. In fact for some of you this may be your very own home and to you I say....consider yourself lucky because my home or the emotional hell that lurks there has torn me apart limb from limb ever since I can remember. Seem dramatic? Maybe. I've really tried to find the root source of my anxiety lately...accepted it, yes but, I still think it's important for me to open my eyes to my triggers and eliminate them as best I can because I really honestly deep down inside feel like at the ripe age of 29 I should not be in this condition. I am fearful of the path my mind and body are leading me down....where will it end...how bad will it get? I'm not willing to find out. I'm also too strong and have been through too much to give up now and let the fear all consume me.

My struggles have been small in comparison to war, hunger or addiction but, they have been struggles none the less. Each day brings new clarity for me, I'm learning to let go but, not before I wade my way through the pain I've carried with me for so long, like a toxic friend I never wanted to let go. Funny that pain can serve as a security blanket at times, preventing me from having to really live, to take risks...to move on.

I have found passion in photography. It is a fantastic outlet for me, gets me up and out whereas before I would've found every excuse in the book to do otherwise. Photography has removed the blinders I once had, it gave me back my true vision...to stop and look at the world that surrounds me, in the unexpected just as much as the expected. I feel a connection with nature’s majesty, its pureness and its astounding beauty. It has lit a fire in my belly that burns furiously pushing me to find new perspectives and interests around every corner. I tend to be obsessive about most new ideas or activities in my life (big surprise) but, this one feels different to me. It's a sense of belonging....that I am on the right path all of a sudden. I don't know how far it will go or what will become of it. What I know right now is that my camera has literally become an extension of me; the sound of the shutter drives me like nothing has ever driven me. I am in love.

Some of my closest friends and family members have had some real tragedies and hurdles thrown at them these past few weeks. A friend’s sister has her second Cancer operation which leads to more questions. A sister-in-law learns her father has just spent 3 days in the woods unable to move and has been rescued with a dim projection on his fate. A best friend experiences the up's and down's of a possible relapse of a disease that is ruthless and destructive and the idea that the monster rears its ugly head once again. An old employee gets a death sentence, an impossible decision and reaches out for some solace, some comfort. A Step Father receives news of a child's untimely and tragic death but is just out of reach to offer personal console. There were many sleepless nights, many tears, panic and sadness that is so profound it could easily consume you with its blanket of darkness.

Day after day, night after night I took those tragedies and cautiously placed them on my shoulders, carried them with me throughout the weeks ahead and late last week they all came tumbling off like an avalanche of emotion ready to suffocate anything that stood in its path. Normally I dig deep and find the empathetic part of me, the part that wants to listen, that wants to care but, this time I had my own emotional turmoil festering in the background which became amplified by the problems of the world around me. I had nowhere safe to turn, I felt stupid for adding anymore strife to these others already complicated lives and really who was I to complain? What right did I have to be sad or confused or angry? What they were going through was so much more significant, life changing even. For once in my life though, I was unable to bury my own emotions and broke, maybe but for a minute but, I broke. One of the scariest feelings I've ever had is to feel like I've lost my control and it was happening day after day and it scares the shit out of me to know I can reach such dark places so quickly that it hits me like a bolt of lightning and then I'm in it before even knowing it was there lurking around the corner...waiting patiently to strike. I have broken before, but when the fog clears I never remember how terrifying it actually is and I somehow manage to fool myself into believing it will never happen again. I am glad I have to tools to always force myself to reach out, grasping at any hand that can somehow pull me back into the light. There are very few choice people who will hear the emptiness in my voice when that happens and I thank God for them every time...I can't imagine it being enjoyable to hear that on the other end of the phone and I can imagine they have their cell phones out with a finger on the 9 just in case. If I don't say it enough or if I've never said it before....Thank You! You know who you are.

So switching gears here in a big way...the weigh in results for my skinny bitches this week. I look forward to this on Mondays (who'd of thought it would be fun to weigh in). Pam has taken back her lead as Kim and I stood still this week....life happens you know. Happy to announce that Pam had to go out and purchase a smaller waist size jean and she is feeling great! I think I'm going to try the exercise thing this week now that I'm in a better frame of mind. I know it will only get better once I get those pheromones pumping through me!

Here's the stats....enjoy!

Skinny Bitch     Start Weight       Loss lbs      % weight loss   Total lbs     Total %

SARAH                   167                     0                     0%                  5             2.91%

KIM                        199                     0                      0%                 8             3.86%

PAM                       189                      3                    1.59%             8              4.12%
- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

Quickie

2011-02-15T22:34:00.001-06:00

Pretty acurate portrayal of what I look like
weighing myself...oh except I don't have red hair.

Just a quick post for my Skinny Bitches....I'm all turned around lately, really busy with life in general and all the ridiculous things I take on. Judd has started work at 7am now, so I'm up as soon as he leaves to get Aidan off to school and get myself ready for work. Although I think Judd and I are both happier this way, it's taken some adjusting for me the last 2 days as I generally behave like I'm nocturnal. Usually my head does not hit the pillow until after 1:00 am on a good day.

Try to post a better update in the next few days but, for now the highly anticipated weigh in results:

Skinny Bitch    Start Weight       Loss lbs         % weight loss    Total lbs      Total %

SARAH               169                   2                     1.18%             5             2.91%

KIM                    202                   3                      1.49%            8             3.86%

PAM                   189                   0                         0%               5             2.58%

So Kim wins the week weigh in and pulls into the lead for the whole thing. Don't get too cocky there Kim, Pam and I were just letting you have one to be good sports about it all. A huge congrats to Kim as she has also quit smoking this past week and still managed to lose weight with all that stress!

Pam's weight actually fluctuated quite a bit this week, weighing kind of sucks, it's not very accurate short term. We're in it for the long haul though so shouldn't matter in the grand scheme Pam....you'll ~~kick my ass~~ do great!

Again if anyone wants to join us Skinny Bitches in the fight against fat, lemme know. We're just getting started up in here!

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Blubber)

Skinny Bitches

2011-02-07T22:43:00.002-06:00

Haven't posted something positive in some time....totally obsessed with project 365 and being all OCD with it has taken up oodles of my time. I'm behind 2 episodes of the Biggest Loser and never miss that show (another obsession) so that gives you an accurate gauge of how important 365 has become to me.

Speaking of Biggest Loser...bet you thought I'd already fallen off the wagon with my whole healthy lifestyle attempts.....quelle surprise you were wrong.  Maybe you did have a little faith in me this time, if so I will happily accept monetary contributions towards my cause, you know...so I can buy carrots.

I'm officially down 7 pounds so far (shhh don't tell my trainer I weighed myself). I only did it because right now I am not allowed to exercise according to the all mighty Dr. so I wanted to make sure I was on the right track with my food. I even started counting calories so I could record it against my Basal Metabolic Rate but, that only lasted a few days because it takes waaaay too much effort on my part. I got the all clear this week to exercise and can really kick project Buns o' Steel into high gear.

Recently I learned that my work is closing down the first week of August and since Aidan is spending the WHOLE summer in St.Malo (can I get a hell-ya) I'm going to head out there for the week to spend some time with him.   I am determined to actually feel comfortable half nude in front of a beach full of people this year....if that's even possible. It's been far too long since I've actually felt good about the way I look in a bathing suit....there was a time though, that is only a distant memory to me now. It's probably a good thing I don't have a picture of that time. It would most likely lead to me crying fully clothed on the floor of the shower with it in my clutches.

So remember when I said that I had calculated to have 2 extras a week would be okay. Well, I've managed to do less than that. I usually have 1 extra (aside from one weekend at mom's) and I'm thinking of cutting that out too and just reserving extras for special occasions or time's when I'm out and really want something.   They make me feel like a total bag of shit the next day so I think they are worth not planning anymore.

I have NEVER started a healthy lifestyle and not been grumpy, tired or generally experiencing the feeling that I am depriving myself of something....but, this plan is golden. Judd's sister is a master (possibly playing Jedi mind tricks on me), I have not had one time where I felt hungry or deprived or even grumpy. Best of all it's working without exercise!!! I noticed a fairly heavy weight loss in the first 3 weeks and last week was only a 1 pound drop which tells me it's time to get movin'.

2 girlfriends and I have decided to team up Biggest Loser style and report to our weight every week which will be calculated as percentage of body weight lost. Whoever loses the least percentage after 5 months has to buy the other 2 dinner....and you'd better believe it won't be a healthy dinner either. Pulling out all the stops for that one (unless I'm buying...yikes).

There aren't many things about being a woman that are wonderful unless you count vaginal births, c-sections, PMS, bunions and hammer toes from high heels and natural fat deposits on your hips and ass wonderful. Aside from all that, the thing I like about women (well most women, maybe only some women) is the fierce support you can get from them. There is no support like that which you get from your girlfriends, mothers, sisters and so on and so forth. I like that we've made a pact to be accountable to one another and that we are there to help each other along the way. We've all had babies....all have the same abdominal surgery scar (although theirs were to bring life into the world and mine are for vanity) and we all carry the battle scars of pregnancy. Although we realize every stretch mark was worth it in the end, I think it gives us all the more reason to want to look good physically as we have a slight disadvantage already in that department. Unless there is a club that considers stretch marks a favorable characteristic and if so, where do I sign up?

So every Monday, unless I am too lazy or grumpy to post (okay I'll do it anyway) I will post our stats for the week. We all realize that the scale is not the all mighty when it comes to weight loss and it's really about how you feel but, it's a fucking competition people! We need a measuring system!

Here's the first stats (last 2 weeks combined). Maybe I'll sneak over to their houses late at night and take pictures of them so you can have a visual of who I'm talking about.   I could also ask them for a photo but, that might make things too complicated.

Skinny Bitch      Start Weight       Loss lbs     % weight loss    Total lbs   Total %

SARAH                      172                   3                   1.74%               3            1.74%

KIM                            207                  5                    2.42%              5             2.42%

PAM                           194                   5                    2.58%              5            2.58%

I've been eating properly with no exercise. Pam has been eating healthy and exercising with at home videos (she is also breastfeeding = cheating...kidding Pam). Kim is an unofficial Weight Watchers member and is on the treadmill at least 4 hours a week.

Looks like Pam is the winner for our first 2 weeks. Great work Pam! I need to find a way to ~~sabotage you~~ take a page out of your book!

If you're a lady friend and you have some extra poundage to loose, maybe you want to be a skinny bitch too? Feel free to join....there may be a prize in it at the end but, maybe not.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Fat bitch gettin' skinny...with her friends)

Pieces of Me

2011-02-03T20:41:00.000-06:00

My most recent diagnosis is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The arrhythmia that I have now is not consistent with any sort of actual heart problem but the cardiologist was able to tell that my heart rhythm increased at night the most (doing no activity) and could see palpitations that were sporadic all day. My doctor has asked to see me tomorrow to discuss a plan of action....because apparently the GAD is bad enough now that I have been physically manifesting the worry (hence all the stress related illnesses). So there it is...essentially the root cause of all my problems with a little bit of a genetic factor involved.

Anyone who knows me, knows this above all other diagnosis I could've received is the worst news on a personal level. I'm sorry this is so depressing, I have written other (more pleasant) posts and have yet to finish them, today I am not thinking...or editing....I am just pouring it all out. Something, apparently I need to do a lot more of without worrying what you out there think of it. This has always been a sort of strange outlet for me but, I have not used it to my full advantage. Before the Canadian Weblog Award thing happened my posts were mostly about the goings-on of my family life...some were relatively entertaining but, mostly dry because I was worried about what you thought and how far to take it. After the attention I received on this blog because of the awards it became an obsession to be perfect...the perfect writer, the funniest....the best. I became very anxious about sitting down to write anything in case it wasn't good enough. What I didn't realize is that it was always, and always will be good enough for me. I do like that some people whether they are close to me or not take the time to peruse my blog, I like that some of you are invested in it. So I've decided to continue after a month long hiatus with some new rules (or guidelines) for myself.

I will write when I feel the need to....or when there is something worthwhile (to me) of writing. If you are following me on Facebook as well, sometimes I will commit to write and then I don't. The only piece of advice I have is to remember Sarah = in the moment, and then out of the moment. My intentions are good but my execution is not always timely.

I will write like no one is reading. This may become offensive, or depressing, or infuriating to some of you....I can get extreme and generally write when I am feeling really positive or really negative....I usually don't feel the need when I am on an even keel. I urge you to not read it if you end up feeling that way, especially if you know me because my ups and downs are only a small part of who I am although it's when I feel I am most in tune with my thoughts (no matter how irrational or dramatic after the fact).  My blog is not generally a true reflection of who I really am....just how I am thinking at the time.

I will start using more curse words.  It's how I was brought up, it's how I think and it's hard to edit my train of thought when I need to search for words to replace them with. As unintelligent as curse words can sometimes make me sound, my writing would be more honest using them the same way they appear in my internal dialogue.

Anyhoo, back to the GAD and I forgot earlier to say that my thyroid problem was never Grave's it is Hashimoto's Disease which I will write about in the future (but, I'm not making any promises haha). I think it's a much better alternative to Grave's however so I am pleased with the diagnosis on that one. I can't say I wished it was nothing because that would make me unmistakeably certifiable. I am on a thin line enough with that one already. Earlier I had written that this was the worst diagnosis for me...let me explain a little.

Since I was a little girl I always heard my Dad call my mother crazy. Being "crazy" was a bad thing, it made you weak, it made you pathetic, it made you expendable...dirty...and ugly. He also called my half-brother's mother crazy. Lots of people were "crazy" to him. My fathers definition of crazy was essentially anyone who did the following (and not all at once):   Cried, got frustrated and then cried,
cried and then hyperventilated because they were pushed to extreme emotional limits, was depressed, slept in too long, felt overly sad about something, expressed pain when they were hurt physically or emotionally and you were really crazy if you ever talked about ending your own life...in fact you would then be taunted to actually go through with it and given a time limit to calm down before you were taken to Selkirk to be admitted.

Now, to you I may have just made my Dad out to be a total monster. I assure you he is not. He is a man that came from a different time, with a different set of rules. He came from a Dad who was abusive, neglectful and spiteful. He took care of himself for a great deal of his life...hard knocks so to speak. He has learned to develop skin as thick as armour and for a period in his life I believe belittling anyone who showed emotion was the perfect way for him to gain the upper hand in a relationship and keep control in his life. My Dad also had undiagnosed Hepatitis C for a major part of his adult life due to intravenous drug use. This is not an excuse but, a definite factor in how he behaved. We are in a much better place now, him and I and it as he becomes older and more humble and I become older and more mature we grow closer to finding that incredible bond we once shared when I was a young child and innocent and looked at life one day at a time through rose colored glasses....before the divorce shit storm happened which gutted that little girl.

It has been ingrained in me that having any sort of "in my head" related illness, disorder or syndrome is a weakness, a flaw, something to be ashamed of, something to be embarrassed by. The first thought that popped into my head when the Dr. told me it was GAD was "well then I should just kill myself now because all this physical stuff is happening to me and I am making it all up. Because I am crazy...just like my mother." Secondly the thought "I should've never had a child, now he's going to end up just like his mother....how selfish of me."

I don't actually think my mom is crazy, I don't think I ever did. I heard that a lot though when I was younger and troubled that I was "crazy" just. like. my. mother. Everything bad about me is just. like. my. mother. I don't know if you can even understand how fucking confusing that was....because at that time I felt loved by my mother and that was wrong because I HAD TO love my father. Those two things could not co-exist. If I loved my mother or felt loved by her it meant I didn't love my father. This may not of been a problem if I didn't hold my father on the highest pedestal there was.

Yes, I have "daddy" issues. It's fairly apparent isn't it? The thing is that I don't blame him at all. I still love him and hold him on the highest pedestal there is (don't tell him that though). The problem is that I have never been able to get over the dark times, those contradictions, that push and pull feeling that I had for such a long time...I just managed to internalize it and the fight continued inside of me even when I didn't realize it was still there.

I see the Doctor tomorrow...she is going to want to put me on antidepressants. Hopefully she knows me well enough to understand that I have been down that road more times than I will admit and it always leads to a dead end. This time, I will refuse them. There has to be another way, I have to learn to cope....I will need help. I don't know how to change.   Crazy will always be in the back of my mind now, I will stay up and worry about it later....because I don't know another way.  This is who I am.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

I've Been Trained

2011-01-08T23:28:00.001-06:00

Met with the trainer today (Judd's sister). Probably not a good start considering I stayed at a friends until 4am gabbing about nothing and everything all at once. Dragged my ass out of bed at 10am had some french toast complete with syrup and butter (also not good before meeting with trainer) but, I didn't cook it so it can't be held against me. Guzzled 2 cups of coffee (again...well you know). Had a shower so as to not be bagged, fat AND smelly....and away I went 10 minutes late. Come to think of it not being late should've been one of my resolutions because I seemingly do it all the time, although never my intention. It must be because of ~~all the Plants vs. Zombies I play~~ some unknown force that just always wants me to be late for important dates.

Ordered up some iced teas and Kitsilano sandwiches which were yumma! Got down to business....real skinny business. Basically she told me that I am lucky to not be obese considering how inactive I am and that I eat junk food almost every night addictively....also the 4-6 cups of coffee I have daily each with cream and sugar to which she sort of just dropped her jaw. I had to agree, the only thing that has saved me would be that I have the knowledge on how to eat properly and I do, all day everyday until the evening munchy gremlins get me, and they get me good.

The plan is to have "activity" 6 days a week. 3 strength days, 2 endurance days, 1 flexibility day and 1 day of rest. Pretty cool right? Yeah, she's an awesome trainer and really knows her stuff....she is possibly the only person I've met who actually can teach me things I didn't already know but, just haven't applied to my own daily existence. I trained with her for a bit before I had to appear in a bikini in the Dominican and she practically killed me (kidding) but, it was crazy intense, I wasn't even allowed to watch TV while exercising...I cried a little.

I took the above picture of the pendant light fixture (totally not distracted) while she did a nice routine up for me, with goals to reach because she knows how absurdly competitive I can be, even with myself. She said that when I reach the goals in a month or a week...wait a second, was that a challenge?....Did she challenge me and I'm not even realizing it until now? Sneaky, very sneaky. There are free weights, treadmills, resistance bands, stability balls and tables involved? I'm a little terror-stricken but, I think I'll be able to manage.

She was demonstrating (in the middle of the restaurant) how to do a Lateral Raise and I just asked her to write "chicken wing" so I would know what to do....she may have been unimpressed at that point, I can't be sure. There were a lot of things crossed out on my plan because I would tell her "oh, yeah bring it on that's so easy" and then when I saw what she was writing down I had a panic attack and started telling her she was crazy to think I could do all that. So she wimped it down for me quite a bit to start out...nice of her I guess.

So my aim is to do what is laid out in the plan 100% of the time but, I FAIL if I don't get 80% for 6 weeks time. Surprised that I am being graded (or must grade myself), not sure when a healthy lifestyle became some ivy league test but, I am too scared to find out what she will do to me should I fall below the 80% marker. She may be tiny but, I know from experience that when it comes to personal training she doesn't fool around and can be quite frankly....scary.

I have to get 3-4 servings of whole grains, 5 of protein and 6 of veg/fruit daily. Drink 3 litres of water (minimum 2 litres) and I must attempt to eat every 3 hours until dinner....breakfast when I actually wake up (coffee does not count as breakfast apparently). Not to mention that I have to cut the coffee down to 1 cup a day, she would've preferred none or to drink it with only milk added but, that was non-negotiable for me. So caffeine and sugar withdrawal plus tight muscles and having to pee every 5 seconds due to increased water intake should make for some fun times. I would stay far away from me if I were you and batten down the hatches...wait for the all clear, make sure you bring plenty of supplies. I've been warned this could take 12 weeks before I feel good about it.

I can have "extras"....which I am no longer allowed to call "treats" because she says a treat doesn't make you feel like shit (which was the most intelligent thing I've heard in a while). "Extras" are things that have no nutritional value but, she forgot about Reese's peanut butter cups....hello, peanut butter? Totally not an extra....just ~~totally not~~ kidding! I have to evaluate first whether or not to actually have the extra....do I really want it? If I do, it's alright to indulge as long as I stay on par 80% of the time. I've already calculated this to mean that I can have an "extra" 10 2 times a week.

E is for "extra" and elephantine (is that even a word, because if it is I am thoroughly impressed with myself) and excess and ewww

Then, I took the picture below (with only my Blackberry on hand) again, not distracted at all. It was my view through the mesh blind in the restaurant...I thought the colors and the building silhouette's were totally cool with the sun beaming down on them. I've missed you sun.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (One day at a time....as long as it's 80% of the time)

Resolute Resolutions

2011-01-06T23:43:00.000-06:00

Normally I am not one for resolutions but, how can I not participate in something that actually makes you stop and think about what good changes you want to make in the near future. That's what I'm all about really, progression and growth and change (especially considering I change my mind every 5 seconds).

I have yet to fully comprehend those people that are completely satisfied with who they are...so much so that they actually express an unwillingness to evolve. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a woman say to me "I am a bitch, who cares...that's just who I am." Not to say you shouldn't be happy with your current circumstances or persona but, unless your on death's doorstep there is always room for more growth, more learning, more progression.

So my theme for 2011 (yes I have a theme) is love. Love others, love myself.

I "pretend" to love others, I do a lot for them and I try to maintain some sense of compassion and empathy in my relationships but, honestly I'm just as judgemental as the next wise ass and I'd like not to be. I would like my opinions to be about important issues, life circumstances....things that matter. Not about people. I've come to realize as of late that until you walk in someone else's shoes (literally not figuratively) you can never have a valid opinion about how they carry themselves or how they carry out their days. Sure, I will always instinctively want to judge people I think are irresponsible, mean, deceiving or just plain crazy but, I no longer feel like I need to have an opinion about them. Sometimes, my judgment comes from the inability to understand another persons actions, maybe I am angry with them or maybe I see something in them that I do not like about myself. Don't get me wrong...I will defend my character if attacked but, I am going to make a sincere attempt to lessen if not eliminate my sanctimonious attitudes (sometimes) towards others, especially people I don't have day-to-day contact with and really know very little about.

For the "loving myself" portion I've compiled a list of things I would like to try my darnedest to complete, eliminate or attempt. In no particular order, except the order they come out of my brain:

Drink more loose tea, now I'm talking super cool, different and beneficial teas. Like the one's at Davids Tea introduced to me by some super cool family members!

Take my supplements religiously. You'd think that I would take them regularly considering my job and my knowledge but, for some reason I convince myself they really do nothing and almost as soon as I decide that I feel the negative effects of not taking them. Maybe it's some form of self-torture....

Stop self torture. See former paragraph.

Exercise long term. I know...we've seen this one before, multiple times in fact. I reeeaaally am going to give this my 100% attention this year. Not because I want to but, I need to. If my health continues to deteriorate like it has in the past 8 years I am seriously fearful to see where it'll be in another decade. My problem with exercise is that I go hard and go all out for about 30-60 days and then I find some excuse to stop for a while and just like that....I am stagnant, again. My approach this year is going to be variety (changing the routine every 30 days) and long term achievable results. No more P90X for me, I am one who really needs to start small. If all goes well maybe P90X will make the roster for 2012.

Drink more water, eat better, regiment my eating. Technically that was 3 but, they go together so get off my back about it would ya. Pretty self explanatory. Meeting with hubby's sister in 2 days to develop a plan (personal trainer). She's got some ideas I've actually never heard before, they intrigue me....remind me to write about it later.

Complete the 365 project. Because it's awesome and what other way would you actually be able to remember at least one part of each day for a whole year. You should do it too. Right now.....I'm waiting. Follow me here if you do!

Keep adding to my Bucketlist and hopefully start crossing some off. Might be able to do the Vegas thing at some point this year and once I know what's going on with my health, I'm going to do the blood thing (if I can). Totally going to faint and hyperventilate, wonder who I'll rope into going with me for hand holding purposes?

To NOT watch season 3 of Jersey Shore this year. Oh, who I am kidding...it's worth the brain cells I'll lose for that kind of train-wreck entertainment! *fist pump*
Finally........

Quit that dirty, nasty, disgusting habit some call smoking. Oh GOD did I seriously just type this? I am so ashamed that I actually started doing it AGAIN. So, yeah that too.

That's all she wrote. Wish me luck, I wish you luck with whatever resolutions and/or goals you've laid out for 2011. It's gonna be a good year people, I can feel it and according to the Mayans we've got less than 2 years left until the end of this time....so make it count, while you still can.

Cue: Twilight Zone theme song. Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee....

Hitch-hiker: I believe you're going...my way?

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Looking forward, never backward....except when someone is following me and I need to give them the stink eye)

Broken Promises

2011-01-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

No resolutions today as promised.....got too busy learning how to use my camera (without autopilot and photo editing software). I am committed to the 365 project, so that took priority today. I am obsessed with it. It is however a resolution of mine to complete it so I guess you got a partial post out of me!

Tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow.....you're always a day away!

PS - If you want to check out my 365 project click here

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Queen of OCD)

Another Year Over and a New One Just Begun

2011-01-04T00:05:00.000-06:00

First and foremost I would like to apologize for my lack of bloggery. I know the "Holiday" season has past because all my nails have been chewed to the skin, the scale shows the annual 5 pound gain, I have bags under my eyes that not even Mac can fix, my MasterCard bill is making me contemplate ~~robbing a bank~~ bankruptcy and in general I feel like cow dung (whatever that feels like, I imagine bad....really bad and a little smelly).

Christmas for us is so unbelievably ridiculously busy with Judd having 9 siblings, me with divorced parents and friends or family that weren't participative in those "Christmases". It's like every year we get sucked into this perpetual Christmas wormhole that I have just started to emerge from now. It was a good one, I think...as far as Christmases go. I wouldn't call it a holiday though, more like an obligatory list of never ending tasks to complete in an impossible time frame which can only be coped with by ingesting excessive amounts of baked goods, caffeine and in my case, beta blockers.

This year similar to all other years was complete with me skulking around the house wearing my Grinch hat, muttering many Bah-Humbugs under my chocolaty breath and randomly fist pumping the air. I daydreamed about how I could pull off a Grinch who stole Christmas type operation, just to see what would happen. I bet there would be no singing around a gargantuan tree that's for sure. I especially love the part when everyone that has extremely privileged children (including my own) continuously repeats to those very children that Christmas is not about presents. Is that just the right thing to say to kids these days because in my opinion, it totally is about presents (and food). Sure, there is family involved but, I don't see how it really differs from any other time I see my family. I also am "reminded" to give generously to the people who need it most but, shouldn't I be doing this all year round or do poor people only eat at Christmas?

Okay, okay that was a rant and a half...I'll cease to have an opinion about it until next year because if there's one thing I've learned it's that no one likes a party pooper, especially a Christmas pooper. Plus I like food, presents and family and for some reason I usually end up having fun regardless of how puffed up I can get about it.

Too much has happened to go into much detail but, maybe you fancy a bit of a picture post? Enjoy! Merry, merry and all that jazz! I'll follow up tomorrow with my 2011 resolutions, they're pretty marvelous and I'm hoping to keep at least a third of them for more than 8 days. That's how committed I am...stay tuned (but, at least eat and shower while you are waiting).

A Digital Christmas

Cookies that I made for the school holiday bake sale....Judd helping me at 1:00 am because I would've had no sleep otherwise....extremely detailed...NEVER again.


Aidan's Christmas concert....He had a line!!! I forgot to take a beta blocker and thought I may have to leave before he went up due to an anxiety attack. I was so nervous for him but, proud that he nailed it and did something I even as an adult have struggled with doing! So, so proud!

The first of the Christmas gatherings with a good friend. The ultimate ice cream dessert, lots of chalk drawings, books and games. Good times! Only pics of Aidan because I feel "dirty" posting pictures of other people's children on my blog, plus I'm too lazy to get their permission

My boys in St.Malo, at Mom and Garry's....by far the most peaceful. Staying up late, guitar, drums, food, drink and fire. Very low key....lovely.


St.Malo food fare. Yum. I did not get Garry's permission to post this picture but, he won't be mad because he's awesome. If he does (get mad) then, I may have to change my opinion about him and that would suck. Thanks Mom for cooking...one less thing I had to do this year and yours was far better!

J'adore St.Malo

"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." - George Santayana

My favorite gifts....2010 theme stocking cross stitched by Mom. Mosaik by Aidan, complete with 7 year bad luck broken mirror (which he placed there on purpose).

Aidan and his great grandparents....this is rare and I love that he has got to know them, even if only a little. I cherish these pictures and take them at any opportunity. Also, did not get permission from them but... they don't have a computer so how will they ever find out? Oh wait, they have one billion offspring and offspring of offspring who will tell them. We call it the Feenstra clan, they could potentially take over the world. Oh well, what's done is done.

Me = Chopstick Ninja. Chopsticks from awesome Shitake Mushroom growing kit....awesome.

Supernatural book on Manitoba events. I agree, if I ever saw that I would run for the hills....in Selkirk.

Our back entrance after St.Godard Christmas. I feel dirty. Must. Give. Blood. To. Clean. Soul. I would post pictures of the event but, there were people in all the shots....that family multiplies by the second. Again...no permission. Again too lazy to get it. Fun, loud, food, kids and tons of laughs (always the best part).

Gorgeous food prepared by Chef Ray and my lovely sister in law....superb. Always enjoy this one for the food and the people...especially the food. Did I mention the food?


Not an annual occurrence but, one of my dearest friends visited. Like she never left. Will miss her again....A LOT.

The last supper....calm, quiet, lots of baking and good tea. Aidan's multiple Christmas personalities. Left: "Alright Mom, take the picture already my arm hurts from holding this featherweight card!" Right: Nom, nom, nom...."just wait until I crash from my sugar high, it's gonna be real fun!"

Sometimes I wonder if Judd realizes how silly he actually is. Young at heart, that's my man.

"Privileged" Aidan with all his new swag. Goosebumps movies, iPods and Playmobil, oh my! Remember Aidan it's not about the presents though.


No Christmas is complete without our furry companions. Kneesaa is a pretty girl and Riff....well I think he ate too much turkey.

That's it....if you made it to the end congratulations you just witnessed Christmas through my eyes and it was a grand one, I can tell you that.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (All Christmas'd Out)

Speaking of Bullies...Underdogs, How Dare You?

2010-12-27T17:41:00.002-06:00

Recently I was nominated for the Canadian Weblog Awards 2010 People's Choice category. I believe it was this post that got me the nomination. I kind of stepped out of my mundane journaling box with that post and the rest is history.

Once the voting started I believe I honestly didn't have a hope in hell to win, or even be in the top 3. I am a blogging underdog, who got stuck in a poll with a ruthless top dog. Lucky for me I have a wonderful network full of people ~~with OCD~~ who actually care about me and wanted to see me ~~kick some ass~~ succeed...they worked diligently posting reference to my blog, emailing their entire contact lists, texting and talking, facebooking and sharing. It fired my neurons with excitement, I actually had a chance. This little unknown blogger gained some momentum and started to take the first place spot. Then this ass came along. She calls herself a minx but I think weasel (small, active predator, long and slender with short legs) would've been a better fit.

Then the hits came. More hits on my blog, more hits on the voting but, the hits soon turned to punches. Low blows like the one in my first paragraph which ~~felt so good~~ is totally beneath me, I realize that but, I have to add some sort of humor in all this, otherwise it's just not honestly me writing.

According to some my blog was a snore, I was cuckoo (okay that one was bang on), I was a terrible lazy blogger who had no right to go toe-to-toe, and then I was a cheater. Interesting that I am a small-time blogger with a poor design and I don't rank on Alexa (whatever that is) but, I somehow can manage to cheat on a fucking web poll and masterminded the whole thing while I was working a full time job, preparing for 3 family Christmases, baking and decorating gingerbread cookies for bake sales, attending school concerts and travelling to 3 separate out of town gatherings? I'm more talented than ~~Harry Potter~~ I ever thought....apparently.

The final straw was when I saw that comments were infiltrating the Weblog Awards themselves and the attackers mother was on there calling everyone hater trolls and the administrator of the awards was observantly irritated with what was going on. It is the Canadian Weblogs Awards position to maintain a free and public award system which will not be tainted by the creators personal opinion or infiltrated to police nominees behavior surrounding the awards. At first I felt like this was a no contest plea by the administrator and just another bullying bystander who was not willing to intervene but, after processing a bit I understand the position completely and agree with it. There will be no People's Choice category in 2011 to eliminate any ~~small people from ruining~~ incidence like this from ever happening again.

I hate that I've even been named or involved in this whole shenanigan and my only comfort is that I kept my dignity and moral footing. A friend wrote to me "Rest assured that you were second technically, but ethically you came in first!" That was much more important than winning any sort of popularity contest or winning something at any and all costs, even if it meant tearing apart the other contenders in the process.

I'm glad that I have arrived at the final stage of the Kübler-Ross model which generally refers to the process you go through in the face of tragedy but, I find it usually applies to most difficult situations that provoke thought or emotions.

Stage 1 - Denial: "Oh no, she didn't" / "She can't be referring to me" / "If I just ignore it, it will go away"

Stage 2 - Anger: "Why me?" / "What did I do to deserve such hateful attention?" / "I'm going to fire back, I don't care if it's not "big" of me." / "I wish I lived in Toronto, I find her and kick her in her opinion with my ninja boots."

Stage 3 - Bargaining: "I will send her a nice message, ya that'll work, kill em' with kindness" / "If I win, it'll all be worth it so, it's all good."

Stage 4 - Depression: "Ugh, I don't care anymore" / "I wish I was never nominated, never blogged, never did anything that people could criticize me for." / "It's all pointless and stupid, I just want to cry and sleep and cry some more."

Stage 5 - Acceptance: "It's not the end of the world" / "I still have things to say" / "Who cares if 1 person thinks the worst of me, I am not the jackass whisperer."

I decided to withdraw from the voting because the whole thing got ugly and jaded and it just became about winning. The original meaning behind the award got thrown out the window and it wasn't fun anymore. I'm happy that the attacker will win it, she deserves it and has worked hard to obtain it. Blogging is something I do, it doesn't define me. It is not my entire life, only ~~the most significant~~ a small part of it. I certainly do not want to covet an award or need one for validation...feel free to nominate me for every category next year.

I believe the entire experience was a ~~total pain in the ass~~ lesson for me, I still have more to learn. So I blog on, good or not, award worthy or not.

I would like to thank everyone who ~~broke into houses to use alternate IP addresses~~ read, voted and supported....sorry to have wasted your time and energy but, I felt like withdrawing was the only way to end this with my ~~mind~~ dignity intact.

Now for some lyrical genius by The Time totally ~~related~~ unrelated:

Body of a superstar
The mind of a 10-year-old
She wants 2 take U 4 a ride
The Stella has hair of gold
The lights are on upstairs
But is anybody home?
She's not lookin' 4 a man
The girly wants 2 be alone

She's the queen of glamorous, everything is right
All the fellas have a fit anytime she walks by
This woman would be dangerous if she had a mind
When Blondie tells U what U want 2 hear, don't waste your time

CHORUS:
And her name is Blondie, sexy socialite (Dumb blonde)
Diggin' out on the town any given night
And her name is Blondie, the queen of glamorous
And the game is money, the girl is dangerous

Her fatal beauty's blinding and her intentions not kind
She tried 2 take a part of me but I caught on in time
She lives a life of make believe, takes what she wants and leaves
Blondes, they do have more fun, but how dumb is she?

CHORUS

Blondie, my glamorous superstar
U took it much 2 far
And now U look like "What happened?"
Blondie, a dangerous socialite
She hangs out every night
And the neighborhood game is 2 dog U blind

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Moving on)

Santa Runs NAKED Through Winnipeg

2010-12-21T13:57:00.000-06:00

I for one cannot actually believe this has happened. Most likely because it didn't but....

Now that I have your attention you should take some time to fulfill every child's Christmas wish and vote for this blog by clicking the button:

Read this blog like it was your religion, send it to everyone you know and ~~make~~ ask them to read it too. Please vote, it's for a good cause....my ego.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (We're #1, We're #1)

From the Bully's Mouth

2010-12-20T14:56:00.003-06:00

In light of all the media and social attention that has recently surrounded bullying (that we've already seem to have forgotten), I've been doing a lot of thinking...I know, totally unusual for me. When I was young I was a bully, a bad one....I doubt there was even a glimmer of a somewhat decent human being in me during my tween and teenage years. I will get into it a little more in posts to come.

I have pondered blogging about my experiences as a bully, from my perspective. I've frantically searched the web for articles, blogs, anything that is expressed from a bully's (past or present) point of view. Sadly, I found very few and nothing really substantial enough to mention. Really, it brought me back time and time again to the same question.   How can we even begin to attack this issue without acknowledging why bullies bully?

I wholeheartedly agree that the bullied are victims.  They desperately need the helping hands and comforting voices of their communities, their peers and their authority figures to lift them up when they have been beaten down by words or physical aggression. They need others to step in, for everyone to make it their business, to be their voice when it isn't heard, to help them overcome and preserve some sense of self-esteem. I also believe the bullies are also victims, also in need of help but, not help just anyone can give them.

It saddens me that most of what I have seen in the media is empathy toward the bullied (good) but, the dehumanization of the bully (bad). Bullies are people too, damaged people, sick people, abused people....I am surprised that many have just chosen to belittle, verbally abuse and degrade the bullies rather than consider that those very people were/are the ones that needed the help in the first place. Like bullies are magically born that way, they just come out of the womb fists flying, armed with verbal ammunition waiting to be unleashed at the first vulnerable person to come along. I doubt it. Why people think they can solve a problem without focusing on the root source is beyond me and still has me perplexed.

Psychology shows that it was once believed that bullies had low self esteem and knock others down to make themselves feel better. It is now believed that most bullies simply act in this way because they have been bullied in some form at school or at home themselves. In fact, bullies usually have good self-esteem but, use their aggressive ways as a form of anger management, it actually makes them feel better, gives them a sense of release. Really all bullying needs to be addressed at the source, with the parents.   The cycle that is sometimes passed on by countless generations needs to be broken.

I've read blogs and articles that say that bullies just need compassion, they just need a hug. That is such poppycock, I had people show me compassion when I was younger but, the reality is that I still had to go home at the end of the day. If you were to give me a hug, I was bound to give you a swift kidney shot and run away laughing. I didn't have an extreme abusive upbringing but, there was a lot of emotional torment and I took on the role of mediator during a nasty prolonged divorce which in turn affected my development much more than I'm sure my parents realized.

My saving grace was that my mother eventually had me "committed" to a psychiatric facility. People make fun of me for it now, even I think the experience was rather comical...plus, it makes the awkwardness of me actually being in the nut house a lot more comfortable when you are able to laugh at it. There my feelings were addressed, my parents were spoken to about how their actions affected my behaviour. I believe they were told "you are killing your daughter." I can't say that this totally transformed my family life, fact being that my parents still to this day cannot get along with each other but, things changed for me. I was able to cope with my life a little better. I stopped externalizing my feelings onto undeserving people. I respected myself a little more, even better I respected other people and by the time I was 18 about one year later I was on a straight and narrow path where I was open to learn the lessons life had to teach me and to start evolving as a compassionate human being. I wish it would have happened a lot sooner than that. I would've saved myself and others a lot of trouble.

I still have "bully" tendencies.   Everytime I think I am about to be hurt a protective wall appears and garbage is literally spewed from my mouth in the attempt to intimidate the other person into believing I am right...about everything. I work on those tendencies though, because I was given the tools to do so by counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists.

We are not all that blind, everyone can point out the bullies in children's lives early on. I see the bullies in my son's group of friends even now.   I know who to keep my eye on...I think we all do to some extent. My son has even participated in some forms of low-key bullying himself to fit in with those kids. The first people I look at when Aidan does something that I feel is out of character is myself and my husband. What did we do to make him feel like he needed to be mean to someone to fit in? If I can't figure it out myself and change that thing within our home you'd better know that I would find a professional who could offer some insight before it got out of control.

So, my plea is to the parents and caregivers. Show the children empathy, teach them how to have some foresight as to how their actions can actually damage another person. If you know the child is naturally aggressive or compulsive start teaching them early how to curb their aggression and how to handle conflict. Show them how to be helpful and have a sense of community rather than helpless.

Keep children social so they develop the skills and filter to know what is appropriate and what is not.  Enforce clear consequences and healthy consistent discipline so children learn to have respect for authority and understand proper conduct.

Take an interest in children, monitor their activities and give them a sense of self.   Talk to them and listen to them, you'd be amazed at what you learn about their outside life from a dinner table conversation and a few questioned asked.

Stop telling kids they are the best at everything. Reality is they are not the best dancer, swimmer, skater, reader, wrestler, hula hoop er out there. If they are the "best", everyone else is inferior to them. Don't reward them for being the top dog, congratulate their efforts.

Most of all teach them that compassion is not a weakness, love them unconditionally and make sure you show it so they feel it...don't just say it.

Getting off my parental soapbox now. No, really I am not a perfect parent, nor is my child perfect but, I am always trying to improve. In my short-term experiences thus far and from observation and research I think these are key things to preventing bully-minded children. I could be way off base.

I really honestly believe the parents (or caregivers) are the only one's who can cease the bullying. They need to care enough to look in the mirror and figure out what they are doing wrong. If there is a child that you know is a bully, in whatever form grow a pair and talk to the parent/caregiver you could make them see something they didn't realize was there.  If you can't muster up the courage, talk to their school, daycare or in extreme situations child protection agencies. Believe it or not some parents actually want to know how their children are behaving the 10 hours a day they are away from them....as for the others, all you can do is try.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Reformed bully wanting to save others the trouble)

Sleep Deprivation and the Blue Screen of Death

2010-12-16T11:06:00.001-06:00

Oy, I am running on empty lately, it makes me kind of fun though...at least I think so. I am forever shocked at the energy that comes pouring out of me when I am sleep deprived. It's like I am on an extreme high all the time but, never cross the line into complete psychosis (again, my opinion).

The reason I haven't been getting adequate beauty rest is that my best friend has died, sad I know. Luckily, there are places I can take her to be revived, if not but only for her memory. I knew this day was coming, I anticipated it but, foolishly did not prepare for it...some kind of mental block prevented me from preserving her hard work, the pictures locked up safely inside of her among many other things about her that have left a shortcoming on my life these past few days. I tried so hard to bring her back on my own, stayed up all hours of the night tinkering and thinking to no avail. I must succumb and now bring her to a miracle worker in hopes that at least some of her inner workings can be restored. For now, I've had to learn to rely on my 8 year olds best friend which I'm grateful to have but, it's just not the same.

Sometimes I wonder how stupid a person (meaning this person) can be...I've had an external hard drive sitting on my desk for almost a year now. My husband bought it for me last year for Christmas because I was forever in a panicked state by the thought that I had waaay to much information on my hard drive to even begin uploading it to disk at that point but, no back up. My life is on that thing, as pathetic as that sounds...if my information cannot be recovered it may be the straw that breaks the camels back, or the straw that sends me into hysteria which is likely to make the evening news. The worst part about it, is that it's my own damn fault. No, actually the worst part about it is that this is not the first time I've done it.

Wonder if I will learn my lesson this time?

The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Stupid is, as stupid does)

Tubby Tuesdays Three

2010-12-14T22:08:00.001-06:00

Why did I start this? Would someone please talk some damn sense into me when I get on the crazy train and make commitments like this. Now, every Tuesday I have to sit down and get introspective on my feelings towards being overweight. I was going to skip today's post and see if anyone noticed but, I've also started a bucket list and on it is to always "follow through", so now I'm doubly screwed.

Recent developments in the medical mystery that is my life has prevented me from even thinking about going to that dark place where I exercise and actually do something beneficial for my body. My doctor feels an arrhythmia is my pulse so I'm getting a fancy Holter Monitor to wear around for a day (not my idea of great fashion statement). I still think this is all related to Graves' Disease so not too ~~annoyed~~ worried but, I am totally exhausted daily so I don't think I can even scrape up the energy to do much else than what I need to or sit on my butt and blog. As stated before I'm hoping early 2011 will bring some solid answers so I can put together a plan without any guesswork involved. I have to say that this second bout of short-term setbacks in the health department have really made me want to grasp some sort of vitality, slowly my mindset is changing yet again towards wanting a life full of wellness. Hindsight....always hindsight, let's pray I learn my lesson this time.

Still making small changes, in preparation for a healthier me...once I escape from this dark place in the corner of my mind and can actually set something in motion. Still with the water, the night eating remains at a much lower consistency (but, it's still there), PGX Daily is still steady and this week I've begun to automate my breakfasts.

This is a very important step for us food addicts to take. Breakfast is single-handedly the most important meal of the day. If you haven't heard this before you have been living under a rock, you could also be deaf which is not funny. The best way to ensure you get the most benefit out of breakfast and to break the temptation of ripping your bosses delicious toasted white bread english muffin with melt-y salted butter on top right out of her hands and stuffing it in your mouth is to automate it. No thinking, no swaying and you do it in such a manner to where you know you are putting some quality fuel into that soon to be hot bod of yours, if only but, once a day. I find that as soon as I start to think about food or planning a meal, all my senses become alive and my mind starts reeling on whether I'm making the right choices, I can get obsessive about the "healthy" food I'm about to ingest which is the very behaviour I want to change. First, I must establish a routine, break certain taste habits and the only way to do this is by repetition and the elimination of thought.

Everyday I eat this:

1 serving (with 1% milk or Rice milk) of Eco-Planet hot cereal

1 serving fruit (banana, orange, berries or an apple)

1 boiled Free Range Omega 3 Egg -or- 1 serving low fat yogurt

It's easy, it's healthy and although I was fairly pouty about it the first few days, I now actually look forward to eating it every morning....especially the cereal, it's so darn delicious and easy! The best part is that I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat because that's usually when I make the worst decisions.

Oh wow, my husband is running on the treadmill behind me and the noise is making me feel a little homicidal....must hurt Hasslehoff wannabe.....whatever I'll catch up, don't you worry.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Shakin' my money maker...waiting for it to stop jiggling)

Fork in the Road

2010-12-13T21:18:00.001-06:00

Today is Monday, it's a good day for a personal crisis, well I thought so. Damn bloggers, you are single- handedly ruining my life, you'd better hope something good comes of it because I know where you blog....that is ~~without a doubt~~ NOT a threat.

I think I've officially given up on Reverb10, although it was a nice frame of mind to be in even for but a moment, to commit to something for 31 days, it was just another thing that I wanted to do but, couldn't find the time. I guess I could be writing one right now instead of this but, I much prefer to be narcissistic and write about myself than respond to a prompt.

Things come into your life when you need them to, at the precisely the right time that they will actually mean something and inspire you to think of things in a whole new light. Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and allow yourself to see. So maybe I'm not able to fully commit to Reverb10 because I am just too ~~lazy~~ busy right now, however through it I stumbled upon an insane amount of posts from inspiring writers with valuable lessons to teach.

One of the thoughts that surfaced most often when reading was what part of my life, or what I "do" with my life rather, is actually significant? I've always just settled with the notion that I do my best and I am currently raising a child so that should be adequate. I mean raising a child, growing an adult, someone who is going to be a contributing member of society one day and if all goes well a betterment to the world. Is that enough? I used to think so....today, not so much.

I read blog after blog, written words that were drawn from huge inspiration. People who have fought cancer, travelled the world, taken in the needy or physically disabled, stood up for the abused and neglected. People who have conquered the obesity battle, have overcome their darkest fears, have lost a child, have struggled through poverty and adversity. People who make me question if anything I'm doing is actually going to matter, make a difference or nurture change.

This is definitely something I am going to ponder over the next few weeks. I feel a bucket list coming on....squee! No really...if the new year is meant to bring resolution then for 2011 I will focus on taking less and giving more. I think Aidan has approached the age where it is important for him to start learning how to pay it forward, more than just theoretically. He understands that giving back and doing for others is important, I'm just not sure he is mindful about anything beyond what Lego set he wants next.

We have definitely led by example in helping our community and people we are close with, I'm just not sure we've really ventured out too far beyond that scope in a meaningful way.

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

~Dr. Seuss

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Mulling it over, one day at a time)

Boy in the Kitchen, Episode 5

2010-12-12T22:35:00.000-06:00

The boy in the kitchen is wearing me out! You know when you start a tradition with your child and at first, it's all rainbows and gumdrops, then it gets a little tedious, and finally it becomes your worst nightmare (okay maybe that's just me)....we've officially crossed over to the dark side.

I've created an 8 year old obsessive cooking psycho-child. He is relentless and now has me making two things on Sundays and is slowly trying to ~~brainwash~~ coerce me into Saturdays too.

Why couldn't I have just taught the kid to order pizza and do laundry? Not to mention he is a total control freak like me his dad and now he has to do ALL the steps himself, except for the mixing because his arms will fall off so he appoints me to that ~~torture~~ job. You see pictures of him making Cheesy Quinoa Crackers....you don't see that we also made Chocolate Cinnamon Shortbread which has an aftertaste of baking soda because he insisted on doing it himself. Guess who's having shortbread for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next 2 weeks?

All joking and wasted money aside, I am really proud of him for being so ~~pushy~~ dedicated to cook each week. We do enjoy spending the time together even though sometimes he notices me giving him the stink eye from across the room and then "accidentally" spills sesame seeds all over the floor.
The nicest part about it is that because he is doing most of the "work" now, he just bolts out of the room once everything is in the oven. I call him back to help clean and his response was "You always tell my Dad that whoever doesn't cook has to clean."

I'm so happy to see my little ~~kitchen Nazi~~ boy growing up and developing his own interests and passions. I still hope that one day this will all pay off and I ~~won't have to do it anymore~~ will come home to prepared delicious meals and baked goods.

Until then, I keep cooking with the cutest boy in the kitchen! Apparently, next weekend we are making eggnog because the stuff we buy in the carton at the store is now beneath him. ~~Lord, help me~~ Can't wait!

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Kitchen Slave)

Reverb10 - Day 8 - Beautifully Different

2010-12-08T23:57:00.001-06:00

I am taking part in #Reverb10 an annual online initiative to reflect on the year past and manifest what's next. Everyday in December there is a prompt on where to direct your writing attention....I am 3 days behind but, had to skip forward to this prompt immediately! Take a gander at Reverb10 and participate!

Day 4 - Beautifully Different
Prompt: Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I am completely dumbfounded and amazed at the whirlwind of emotions this prompt has brought upon me. Even though I am behind on the others, this one prompt has engulfed my very being and I need to release it.

My day began as usual: Checked the prompt, started mulling it over, mind creatively spinning. Today was different.....there was nothing except confusion.

Different? What makes someone different? Why am I different? I'm not, am I?

I posted the question on my Facebook page, nothing. Posted on my blog page, I think I heard crickets. Eventually my Mom responded by saying I was candid. Yes, this is true but, lots of people are....what a dull world it would be if everyone kept their thoughts, experiences and opinions isolated. She was the only one. This prompted more thinking:

I need to get better Facebook friends but, what are "better" friends and where can I find them?
Facebook is not the forum for this type of thing....I have no problem getting "likes" or responses when I post something totally idiotic or non-earth shattering
Most of my Facebook friends are illiterate
I am not different

I have "felt different" but, don't consider this to be a good thing. Feeling different in ways that meant I didn't fit in, wasn't worthy of belonging to a particular group of people that maybe, in someway, I admired. Too different to even attempt having meaningful human connections, feeling almost alien to the world surrounding me. The more I opened up to people, the more "candid" I became, the more people told me I wasn't so different, they felt the same way. It took many sleepless nights for me to work through the fact that my feelings were not different, like it took away a part of me, even if it was a bad part. The thought that other people had these same feelings invalidated them, they were no longer mine. What I eventually realized was that I was not alone, not weird, not crazy, not different.

What makes me beautiful is not how I am unlike others because when I listen to people, even a little I find the likenesses are plentiful. I am surely unique, one of a kind but, different than different. That, readers, is the paradox I've been dealing with all day....and I'm tired.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (not different)

Reverb10 - Day 4 - Wonder

2010-12-07T22:38:00.001-06:00

Prompt: How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

Finally! A prompt I can actually just sit down and write about without giving my brain a creative hernia!

This year along with the past 8 years I have cultivated a sense of wonder by attempting to raise a child. My son is full of wonder. Each day new moments present that are brand new to his experience, and lucky me as his Mom, I get to for a second time in my life (the first being when I was a child) relive wonder in all it's mighty splendor.

My life with him is full of wondrous moments. He has the uncanny ability to find it in the tiniest details like why cupcakes in the oven fluff up and rise. I know it's because we've added baking powder and he believes it's magic....more often than not, he convinces me of the same. The larger details of life such as God, the universe and death are awesomely mysterious to his unspoiled mind. While I do my best to guide him, he also cultivates a sense of wonderment in me, giving me a perspective I may otherwise not have had.

It is my unwritten duty as a mother to preserve his inborn sense of wonder. I continue to cultivate it never off-putting it, allowing it to permeate my soul.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Wonder Woman)

Tubby Tuesdays Two

2010-12-07T21:52:00.001-06:00

One day, I'll be as skinny as this giraffe

So I promised to be accountable, and I'm delivering. I have to say that I totally sucked this past week in the weight department but, I did make a few small changes that are worth celebrating (please send congratulatory money via Paypal, all major credit cards accepted). Small steps are really all I can manage right now without accumulating assault charges against unsuspecting people but, am crossing my fingers that I will get some firmer answers and solutions in the upcoming weeks in regards to the medical issues I've been having and then I can do more.

This week I was able to religiously take my PGX Daily , they lower the glycemic index of your food, make you fuller faster so you don't over stuff your face as I am prone to doing (especially when there is sugary goodness involved) and keep you satisfied longer. I've witnessed client after client use this strategy and if taken properly it can be a really great tool to help you lose weight safely and efficiently. So I can't say that I've really lost any weight as of yet because of it but, I do notice immediate results when it comes to the plumbing. This is one of the most important steps when it comes to weight loss, or trying to obtain optimum health and if you ain't doing some good work on the shitter, good luck with everything else. Just ask Dr.Oz, he'll tell you and you can hear him say the word "poop" which is always good for a laugh.

Another thing I've tried (not really hard) to do is stop my night eating. No food after supper (yeah right). Okay, but, I have replaced the nachos and Slurpee's with better options such as popcorn (and NOT the movie theater style either) and water. This is something I still need to master and is probably my biggest downfall. There were a couple nights where I did manage to stay away from food all together and surprisingly I had this strange feeling called hunger when I woke up in the morning, I ~~did~~ practically knocked over AJ in a mad dash to the pantry in the morning looking for something, anything to stop those unsettling growling noises coming from my abdominal region. I'm assuming this means that I allowed my body to actually digest a meal before shovelling more food into it and I'm sure my metabolism was frantically searching all night for food reserves and when it didn't find any started throwing a temper tantrum inside my stomach (hence the grumbling and pangs).

Water is the third and final thing I attempted this week. Drinking enough of it that is. Another one of my fat pitfalls and such a chore for me to change. Because I also drink coffee, in turn I have to drink MORE water than usual as coffee dehydrates you after more than 1 cup (I have about 632). I think I'm averaging about 4-5 cups of water daily now.....long way to go but, I'll get there. I should probably just stop drinking coffee, I wonder what life is like when it's not moving at the speed of light? I wouldn't bet the farm on it if I were you, I do not see caffeine withdrawal in my near future.

So I think I've attempted to do the 3 most important first steps to weight loss...Poop (ha-ha), no feeding ~~Gremlins~~ myself after dinner or choose healthier snack options and hydrate. I will perfect these and hopefully add some motion to my plan with medieval torture methods otherwise known as exercise....excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with soap for saying such a dirty word.

I leave you with this thought from Queen: "Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go round."

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

AWOL Boy in the Kitchen, Episode 4

2010-12-06T23:32:00.000-06:00

Boy in the Kitchen was unfortunately sick on Sunday when our cooking extravaganza was scheduled. He woke up in the morning, ate his breakfast but, then his father practically force fed him one of those delicious mini-oranges (in AJ's opinion). His father was forewarned that there would be regurgitation and indeed, there was.

I was busy on the phone making possible plans to go sledding but, he already had plans to go skating, it was all so confusing. It's a hard job being AJ's personal assistant and I don't get paid nearly enough to be doing it. In mid-conversation I said "Oh, looks like tobogganing is out, I think I heard AJ throwing up." pretty nonchalantly I might add. Hung up, went downstairs to find kid hugging toilet, pants around ankles and husband glaring at me like I should have been there for the big event.

Everything seemed to be under control so I left ninja quick before AJ could spot me and use his Jedi mind tricks to lure me into the puking mess and be the official back rubber. I've had to deal with my fair share of puke disasters in his lifetime, and this one was relatively low key...bailing was definitely an option. It was short lived, he stumbled out of the bathroom in no time, flopped dramatically onto the couch and curled up into a ball. At this point Judd and I started asking him a question about skating, unsure why really...the kid is sick and we are concerned about whether he actually likes skating? AJ half answers most of the questions and then exclaims "Look you guys, I don't want to talk right now." Okay, we get him off to his bed, tuck him in tight and he sleeps for the majority of the day. No more throwing up, nothing.

I suspect that the "sickness" stemmed from him eating most of the chips and dip I put out the night before on his own (meant for 3 people) while I was distracted by the need to reposition all the Christmas ornaments on the tree that were incorrectly placed. I think he also ate about 12 Ferrero Rocher chocolates but, who can be sure?

Luckily, he had ~~begged, whined and pleaded~~ nicely asked on Saturday if we could make Applesauce Oatmeal muffins together so it wasn't a total cooking loss. I have been making these for years and they are a favorite in this house. I stopped making them because the ~~slave drivers~~ boys were eating over a dozen of them a week and just kept ~~demanding~~ asking for more. I hadn't made them in such a long while, I was happy to do so. Baking is getting relatively easy for me now as AJ can do most of the work. He gathers the ingredients, preheats the oven, measures everything....all I have to do is most of the mixing because his arm would fall off otherwise (or so he tells me) and putting things in and out of the oven (because I think AJ needs the use of his hands for as long as possible). I did make one mistake, gave him a little leeway with the recipe and he ran with it, to the extreme. Raisins are optional in the recipe but, we like them so I told him to put as much as he wanted but, gave him a clue as to how much. I SAW him put in 1/4 cup (good measure I thought).....I didn't see him put in the other half cup and wondered why the batter looked so raisin condensed. The muffins were good as usual but, mostly taste like raisins. Those who know me well would be awfully proud of me to give him such freedom with the raisin adding, generally I am more of a ~~control freak~~ recipe follower.

Ended up making Latkes (potato pancakes) and Chicken Matzo Ball Soup all on my own on Sunday. AJ learned about Hanukkah last week in school and he loooooves Latkes so I was ~~forced~~ happy to try my hand at some traditional Jewish cuisine. I have made Latkes and Chicken Soup (from scratch) before but, never Matzo balls so this was a new feat for me! I had fun talking to myself in the kitchen but, I did miss the boy.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Undercover Ninja)

Reverb10 - Day 3 - Moment

2010-12-06T21:57:00.000-06:00

I am taking part in #Reverb10 an annual online initiative to reflect on the year past and manifest what's next. Everyday in December there is a prompt on where to direct your writing attention....I am 3 days behind gak! Take a gander at Reverb10 and participate!

Day 3- Moment
Prompt: Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

I think you would agree that there are many moments throughout the year that one feels alive. The moment that is most prevalent for me in 2010 is the first time I went to visit my Mom at her new home in St.Malo.

My mother purchased a quaint cottage like home 1 hour from the city in the happy town of St.Malo. At the end of the school year my son was going to stay out there for a few weeks and I made the executive decision to do an overnight stay with them before heading home solo. The car was loaded with his necessary take along items and we were ready to hit the open road.

The drive to St.Malo is one of my most favorite parts. AJ is occupied in the back seat with a portable video game, we crank up the tunes to a level where the only options are to think or sing (we do both). It is a perfect day, the sky is dense with a cool blue color, the clouds are sparse and appear as tufts of crisp white smoke along the horizon. The temperature is moderate, the sun beats in through all the car windows as if to warm our souls in preparation for the visit.

There is little traffic as we turn onto the highway, and we are free to take in the glorious prairie view which is full of life at this time of year. The landscape is full of vivid color. Lush green native grasses, a brilliant yellow radiates from the tiny budded flowers of the canola fields and just when it seems to get repetitive you'll spot a vast mosaic of wild flowers with fragrant pastel petals, a serene picture amongst a living canvas. Every so often AJ will lift his head when I point out a herd of cattle, he waves and exclaims "Hello cows!", I join in. Talking to cows through the car window going 100 km/hour never gets old. There is road kill along the way but, we ignore it because we are in a happy place now. An occasional retched scent of a slaughterhouse or pig barn of some sort wafts through the car until one of us exclaims "Who tooted?" followed by the harmonious reciprocation of "You did!"

An hour later, maybe less dependent on how ~~much I was speeding~~ quickly traffic was moving we arrive at our destination. Both of us quickly throw open our doors, step out and breathe, just breathe. The air is it's own entity here, so clean it fills our lungs with life, calms our hearts and engages our spirits. It's warm with a slow flowing breeze. The kind that moves not only around you but, through you. How can it be so different here than in the city? We don't know and don't care. We respect it and enjoy it, we are free to be, just be.

The beach is just down the gravel road, we grab our gear and head out. My son is lit up from the inside out, fluttering with excitement and I feel like I'm 8 all over again. "Let's go Mom, let's go!" Our footsteps become faster as we draw near, the grit of the gravel under foot becomes louder, each pace filled with more anticipation than the last. I sit and chat with Mom on the beach allowing the sun to penetrate my skin and warm me from the inside out. My muscles begin to relax, the stresses of life start to float up from my shoulders as if I could wave them good-bye as they go. Suddenly AJ's full attention is on nature, playing with the motion of the water, tiny snails and schooling minnows have replaced his video game in an instant. Perfection.

As the day slowly turns into night and the sunset fills the great room of my mothers house with the most magnificent light we prepare to decompress further by an open fire. Roasted marshmallows are on the menu and as I pull the fluffy white squares from the bag I am flooded with memories from my own childhood, a simpler time where small things were appreciated and the daily grind was nonexistent. AJ and I compete for the perfect marshmallow, each using the utmost care to not to burn them in the process. We both enjoy pulling the golden brown crust off to expose the flawless gooey center, victory is ours!

The hours pass and we all sit in our respective chairs that surround the fire, sinking further and further into them as we tilt our heads back slightly to gaze up at the star lit sky. We talk about things not of consequence, drifting in and out of silence while memorized by the dancing flames of the fire and the glowing orange embers beneath it. The fire dies down in the wee hours of the morning and we depart to our beds. A cool breeze flows in from the window, there is no intrusive street light to break through the curtains so I can leave them open and allow the dawn to wake me (then I get up and close them so I can sleep until noon).

Everything is calm. Only in the distance can you hear the bug zapper as it annihilates thousands of mosquitoes and the deep moan of the stray cats in heat. I am lulled into slumber where I dream of what St.Malo will bring tomorrow and how it felt to be truly alive, even if only for an instant.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (J'adore St.Malo)

Reverb10 - Day 2 - Writing

2010-12-04T13:56:00.001-06:00

Prompt: What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

My mother kept a journal from the time I was a newborn up until about the 2nd year of my life. I cannot recall when the first time she revealed it to me but, I can remember the pages flipping through my fingers, my heart racing with unequivocal joy as I absorbed each inked word into my very soul. I am certain she didn't realize at the time of writing it, what a cherished gift this would come to be for me. I have read it many times since it's introduction and the same question surfaces each and every read. Why does my mother not write more, and more often? She is undoubtedly one of the most gifted writers whose words I have had the delight of reading. Her reply haunts the word slinger in me each time I position myself to create.

"There is no original thought, it has all been written or said before."

There is NO original thought. So what is the point? It hinders my process frequently. I am, on good days a free flowing writer. I do not stop to ponder the words that are pouring out of me, I just let it be and edit at completion. When her words pop into my head {no original thought}, It nullifies everything I was about to say, the meaning behind the words diminishes so much so that they are no longer worth the paper/screen they are on.

I attempt (more successful than not) to eliminate this way of thinking by incessantly repeating the following words in my head as I furiously type out the upchuck of my mind; If the words are there but, I have yet to read them, has it really been written at all? Mostly a tree falling in the woods analogy and consequently not an original thought.

More than likely her words reign true, there is no original thought, how can there be? If I have yet to read it, it does not exist for me therefore it is my original thought. Many of the best writings are based on an unoriginal thought anyway, with each individual writers personal twist. Therefore, I write on.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Still encouraging my Mom to write)

Reverb10 - Day 1 - One Word

2010-12-04T00:10:00.001-06:00

Prompt: Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

To ask me to encapsulate an entire year with one solitary word had proven to be quite a challenge for me but, I think {DEFEATED} was the most prominent feeling for me this year, and if the glove fits....

New Years 2010, I was on the couch, alone recovering from an emergency salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of 1 fallopian tube and ovary) due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. This was subsequent to a miscarriage only 2 months earlier.

Everything about me was broken. My physical being, my spirit but, mostly my heart. I was utterly broken. I believed in my mind that I was a failure, I could not "normally" conceive our second child and the universe was telling me I didn't deserve it, it wasn't mine to have. It took the greater portion of the year to actually convince myself to move on from that. I became a little more isolated, a little more jaded and made the decision not to attempt conception again, I would never go through that again. I couldn't, I was defeated.

For 2011, I have a brighter view. Things occur only because they are meant to. That is the simple reasoning which helps me carry forward, when nothing makes sense and the world is on my shoulders. I am currently undergoing the diagnosis process for yet another medical issue and I anticipate that the word {ACCEPTANCE} will manifest for me this upcoming year.

Acceptance that everything is as it should be. That the things I need to change will do so only by determination, strength and the belief that they will. Accepting myself for who I am and my offerings to the world no matter how small they may be. Accept others, for who they are and the uniqueness they each represent. Perhaps most importantly, acceptance that destiny cannot be created. I do not have the power to alter what will be, only how I let it affect me.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Reflecting, manifesting, 1 day at a time)

This N' That Plus Everything Else

2010-12-03T00:32:00.001-06:00

I know you all thought that the looming holiday season had emerged already. Some of you with OCD have even put up the trees and decorations I'm sure. Not to burst your bubble but, you were falsely informed. The holiday's have officially begun but, only because I put on my Santa socks this morning.

AJ has torn into his 2nd day on the Playmobil advent calendar, I believe he received wings for the Playmobil figure that he was awarded on day 1 of the calendar. I think I was equally excited getting it for him as he is in having it. Lucky kid, I remember my advent calendars being full of shitty chocolate that would somehow always manage to slither it's way out of the designated window to the bottom of the box and half the time I would open the day (with eager anticipation of the shitty chocolate) only to find that another one had escaped. I would also usually be so impatient with the whole "one a day" concept that by the first week, I had already opened, eaten and re closed every window, hoping my parents wouldn't notice.

Whilst buying the advent calendar, I purchased another (rather large) Playmobil set. It came in THIS awesome gargantuan bag. I love this bag, it is unlike any other bag. I folded it up nice and put it in a special place in my home. I will use it again, one day for things even unknown to me. I may just take it out once in a while to make me smile. Look at the Playmobil men and women, so happy, so carefree. No wonder Aidan is so joyous after playing with these wee little men.

This is my husband to the right....he does P90X in hopes that one day I will not trade him in for a cabana boy. He's a generous husband to be so diligent in looking good for me. I make sure not to give him any of my nachos and cheese because I want him to reach his goal and I suspect it is rather difficult to find a cabana boy when I am seriously lacking in the cabana department. Sometimes, I also like to support him by taking pictures right in the middle of the intense workouts, just so he is fully aware that I appreciate the effort he is making.

In conclusion, my new favorite thing (because I'm Oprah) are these tiny little clementine oranges. I slightly recall a friend recommending them to me last year but, I believe I was in a "I don't buy anything from China" frame of mind and wouldn't even exercise the thought of purchasing them. Do they even come from China? Whatever, I was missing out. Big time. My hand likes to eat them too, which was not what the picture was intended to demonstrate but, there it is and the proof is always in the puddin'. If you haven't tried them already, I suggest you leave your house immediately and find the nearest store that sells them. Try not to devour the whole box, I dare you.

Rambling on: When I went outside today, the snow falling was so fair that it became luminous. It was like Mother Nature was doing a craft project and accidentally spilled her glitter dust all over the sky. For some reason, it reminded me that life is so much more paramount than just what is current and happening to you. It's the small things you pay attention to, that make the hard things almost insignificant.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Deep in thought)

My Loose Screw Fell Out

2010-12-01T22:39:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was all kinds of crazy.

My day started off seemingly normal, got up, cup of joe, walked zombie-like around the house mumbling to myself, deliriously rummaging through clean laundry Mount Everest to find work pants which will need to go in the dryer again for 5 minutes because I am too lazy to iron them and seriously lagging in the putting away laundry department. I did one thing different...no Beta Blocker. Figured my pulse was normal, no palpitations that I could feel so I must not need them....I would wait until I felt like I needed them....yeah, that's a good plan. Turns out, probably not, go figure.

Continuing the day.....go to work, forgot to do about half of my month end duties then the call from the Endocrinologist's office. "Hello Sarah, Dr. Moron doesn't know why you were referred to her because your thyroid levels are normal." I explain to her my symptoms, the goiter and the tachycardia. "Well, Dr. Moron would like you to come to Timbuktu on Friday and wait 16 and a half hours at the busiest lab in the world because we know you have nothing better to do, and have a 5th blood test done that will show us the exact same results. Then Dr. Moron will decide if you should be seen by her." This conversation started a wave of what I will call "psychotic episodes" for lack of a better description.

Called my Dr's office. "Um, could you have my Dr. call me please?"

Receptionist: "Um, doctors don't call patients."

My other personality (the not nice one that belongs in a straight jacket): "I don't really give a s**t WHAT doctors DON'T DO, I've been taken off my anti-thyroid medication, don't know if I should take my Beta Blockers and now the Endocrinologist doesn't know why I've been referred to her!!! Have my DOCTOR CALL ME!"

Receptionist: " I will give her the message."

I felt pretty good about myself at that point, look at me go all intimidating and stuff. Starting to feel a little off at this point, my boss is looking at me kind of funny and asking why I have so much energy. I get her to take my blood pressure and pulse and then spend the rest of the day walking around with the blood pressure cuff hanging off my arm so I could check it at 10 second intervals, having tremors that I'm sure were registering on the Richter Scale and found myself getting progressively more aggressive towards everything in general.

Came home, walked 20 miles on the treadmill before realizing it wasn't plugged in. Had a nice lady Dr. friend put things into some sort of perspective for me and made me a little more at ease about the conversation earlier with Dr. Moron's assistant. Then my husband came home.......I should stop the writing here because once I continue you will really know crazy and it's name starts with a "Sarah is".

Husband was a little quiet, started making dinner but, in my world he was quiet because he was mad at me for not starting dinner, he was pouting because he was making dinner and how dare he NOT care about what was going on with me. So I started talking to him (which strangely he perceived as yelling), honestly I can't even remember what I said but, I knew it didn't make sense even as I was saying it. That didn't stop me though.

Proceeded to then call my Mom, and ask her if it was an option for me to stay there (in her house about an hour away, with the highways and the snow, 1 bedroom and of course I was bringing Aidan) I figured this was a perfectly rational plan. Good for me. Back to husband, tell him I am leaving with Aidan (if he wants to come) until I am better because right now I cannot deal with him being mad at me for not making dinner when I have all this crap to deal with. At this point he has already mentioned at least 36 times that he is not mad at me for anything, just tired and wanted to get dinner done and over with.

Go into Aidan's room, I am concerned that he has heard us fighting and saw on Dr.Phil that this irreparably damages your child to the point that they will become a serial killer. He is reading a book.

Crazy Mom: "Hey buddy, can I talk to you for a minute?"

AJ: "Sure"

Crazy Mom: " Are you upset that Dad and I were fighting just now"

AJ: "No, not really."

Crazy Mom: "Did you hear me say that I am going to Beppe's (what he calls my Mom)?"

AJ: "Yes"

Crazy Mom: "Do you think that's a better idea than me and Dad fighting?"

AJ: " Ummmm, I don't really care, can I read my book now?"

Crazy Mom: "Do you want to come, or stay here with Dad?"

AJ: "Well, Beppe does have a fire pit but, wouldn't I have to get up earlier than usual to get to school on time? I would rather stay here but, I would miss you and how would I cook with you on Sunday?"

At this point I realize that I am talking to an 8 year old who bases his decisions on who has a fire pit. This is going nowhere fast. Irreparably damaging, yeah right. Thanks for making me look like a fool Dr.Phil, because otherwise I appear perfectly normal.

Called my Mom back to tell her it's a no go. Interestingly she seemed to breathe a sigh of relief but, in my crazy state I probably only thought it was relief when really she was upset because she wanted to see me so badly, who doesn't? Gave AJ a hug, told him not to worry and everything would be okay (not like he was worried....at all). Took a Beta Blocker and WHAM....felt better within 10 minutes....that's strange, I thought and then thought nothing more of it. Until today.....

I did the same thing all over again, no Beta Blocker, crazy, blood pressure cuff dragging on arm, tremors, collapsed in the door after work, took a Beta Blocker and magically better again. I'm beginning to suspect a pattern.

On a side note, here is the message I left for my boss so she knew to get more half & half for the office. I think at some point I also called her a dinosaur because she didn't use on-line banking. She reminded me who signed my paycheck...I'm not sure why?

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Super Intuitive Child Psychologist)