Quivering Daughters

Help a Former Quiverfull Daughter Go to College

2012-11-18T20:37:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share an opportunity for those who may feel drawn to help a young woman with a huge heart for others. Jennifer is hoping to win a scholarship to attend college so that with her degree, she can help others overcome some of the hardships involved in building a life outside of an authoritarian environment.

You can help her win by following this link and voting for this essay. There is no sign-up required, just a simple click.

If you would like to do more, there is also a chip-in account set up for her. While the modest goal of $250 has already been reached, I know that she would be greatly blessed and encouraged if anyone is led to contribute more.

Quivering Daughters E-book Now Available

2012-10-18T10:51:00.000-05:00

I am happy to announce that Quivering Daughters ~ Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy is now available as an E-book.

There is a suggested donation of $5 payable through PayPal upon checkout. However, please adjust the donation amount according to whatever you are led or able to give.

Upon purchase, you will receive a link through email to download a .pdf document to your computer. This link works twice and expires an hour after purchase, so please be prepared to download immediately.

click image to enlarge

What is Abuse?

2011-09-21T09:13:00.007-05:00

Abuse is a hot, yet tender, topic. Nearly everyone would agree that abuse is horrible, unjustifiable, and devastating. Invariably, within a discussion of abuse, someone will bring up the question of definitions and ask, but what is abuse? Are we just throwing the word around, willy-nilly, and making false accusations? Are we slandering others using this emotionally-charged word? Shouldn't we drop this word and perhaps use something a little less alarming?

He has shown you, o man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

We are conditioned to consider abuse to be that which inflicts violence in the forms of rape, battery, beating, or extreme neglect. And yes, those are examples of abuse ~ yet they are not the only examples. Here is how the United States Department of Justice defines abuse. Please read carefully.

We define domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem is abusive. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.

Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, or dating.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers. Sources: National Domestic Violence Hotline, National Center for Victims of Crime, and WomensLaw.org.
Source

These descriptions illustrate the mis-use of power and control over another person's mind, heart, and body. But there is another form of abuse, a spiritual one. A popular blogger recently observed that the term spiritual abuse is becoming increasingly wide-spread. I am thankful for this! It means that awareness is growing and when one is aware, he or she is more likely to be alert and able to discern warning signs. But what is spiritual abuse? Ezekiel 34 illustrates spiritual abuse in heart-wrenching prose.

“Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool; you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back what was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and cruelty you have ruled them.”

Another definition is offered by Watchman Fellowship:

Spiritual abuse is the misuse of a position of power, leadership, or influence to further the selfish interests of someone other than the individual who needs help. Sometimes abuse arises out of a doctrinal position. At other times it occurs because of legitimate personal needs of a leader that are being met by illegitimate means. Spiritually abusive religious systems are sometimes described as legalistic, mind controlling, religiously addictive, and authoritarian.

Conclusion

It is important to reach an understanding of words and what is meant when terms are used. But while one could argue definitions all day, please remember that meanwhile, there are some desperately hurting individuals in this world who need healing.

____

Recommended reading on spiritual abuse: The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
Also see Elements of Spiritual Abuse, Spiritual Abuse in the Bible, Beating the Sheep.

Letter From a Friend

2011-09-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

I know you have been through some rough times recently. Your family does not understand why you have done what you have done. Most of your friends are probably avoiding you. But deep inside, you know you did the right thing by leaving. You can no longer be a slave to other people’s opinions - opinions that they claim are God’s way of doing things, but you cannot find basis for in Scripture. You likely feel very alone and very small as you begin your new life. I’m sure there are some doubts at times. It is ok. All of that is normal.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. I’m proud that you are thinking things through. That you are taking a good look at the things you were taught to believe and re-evaluating them. That you are searching for truth - searching for the true God. That you are determined to have your own relationship with Him with no intermediary except Jesus Christ. He is not the vindictive, always frowning and upset God that you were taught He was. He smiles at you with unconditional love and acceptance of who you are right now. He longs to comfort you. He can’t wait for the time when you discover His true character and know that He is compassionate and kind and merciful and full of grace. He is willing to win your trust; He won’t demand it.

I’m proud of you for taking on the responsibilities of an adult and refusing to be a perpetual child. This is not easy for someone raised like we were. It means a lot of risk taking, when we were taught that it was unwise to risk anything, ever. It means getting more education, finding a job, learning how to live in this culture instead of a in a fringe sub-culture. It may mean learning to drive or how to open a bank account and balance a checkbook, if you weren’t allowed to do those things before.

I’m proud of you for facing fear head on. We were taught to fear everything. I’m glad that you are willing to learn that many of those fears are unreasonable and invalid. You can drive yourself to the store and shop alone and be ok. You can wear normal clothes and not stand out like a sore thumb anymore. You can walk down the street and not fear that every man who sees you wants to harm you. The government is not out to get you; in fact, they may be able to help you at times.

I’m proud of you for seeking healthy relationships. For refusing to be a slave anymore. For learning what appropriate boundaries are and being firm in maintaining them with anyone who is determined to treat you like a child and a servant. There are good people in this world who will be good friends to you; I’m so glad you aren’t settling for any less. I’m sorry for the pain of broken relationships right now. Hopefully, those will someday be able to be mended, when they are finally willing to acknowledge you as an adult and an equal.

I’m proud of you for seeking good counsel, but retaining the right to the final decision. You are the only one who knows what you are really thinking and feeling. No one else “knows you better than yourself.” They can’t; they aren’t you. Yes, you will make some mistakes along the way. That’s ok. Failure is part of maturity. If you aren’t failing at something, you aren’t learning and maturing. (If a young child just learning to walk falls, do you yell at them for not succeeding the first time? No, you help them up and cheer them on. Same for a child learning to ride a bike or learn to read or whatever. Have the same grace for yourself as you learn new skills.) Hopefully, those mistakes or failures won’t be too painful or cause too much upheaval for you. It is good to take these steps toward independence slowly and gradually, but some of us don’t have that luxury. If you can possibly arrange to have a safety net, do so. Find wise, caring, grace-filled people that you can trust to help you work through things and who will cheer for you as you need them less and less. Things certainly will go a lot smoother that way. If you can’t find people, then find books that will point you in the right direction.

I’m proud of you for learning to accept help from others. So many of us had to be the strong one, the one who helped everyone else. Now we have to learn to accept love and grace and help and finances and emotional support and knowledge and whatever else we need. Learning to receive is a crucial step in emotional maturity. The next step is learning to understand our needs and ask appropriately for help in meeting them. Don’t worry, eventually you will be able to give to others again. But for now, just learn to receive and enjoy the love others are giving you. Experiencing it is the best way to learn how to give.

There is probably more I could say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. For now, know that I care about you and there are many others who care about you too; you are not alone. You can make it through this. You are stronger and braver than you know.

Love,

Someone who has been there

Letter To a Friend | Book Recommendations

2011-09-20T05:00:00.001-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

My dear friend,

You asked what books I might recommend as you seek healing from the emotional and spiritual trauma you have been through. There are a few books that stand out in my mind as having been really helpful to me. I am sure there are many, many more, but these are some of my favorites.

His Princess: Love Letters from Your King

by Sheri Rose Shepherd This book is the first one that came to me. As someone who had a horrible time receiving love and affirmation, this book gave me a small, daily dose of both. Eventually, the truth of it began to sink in. It is also a beautiful book, which was very good for me. I desperately needed to learn how to take time to see beauty and appreciate it. She has a whole series of books like this, including one for men.

The Life Model: Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You by James Wilder and others; Joy Bonds DVDs or CDs by James Wilder This book and video series gave me the knowledge of how the emotional parts of the brain develop (Joy Bonds) and how to remediate deficits in emotional maturity (The Life Model). I was very immature emotionally, so this gave me hope that I could heal and grow and mature. As long as it is not used as just another formula, this information can be extremely beneficial. I felt like it gave me a map of sorts so that I didn’t feel quite as lost. I will warn you that the Joy Bonds videos, while in plain English, were still very difficult for me to understand the first time through. I think it was mostly because it was so opposite to what I had learned and believed for my whole life.

Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive by John Eldredge
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by John and Staci Eldredge
Walking with God: Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really. by John Eldredge Waking the Dead broke down a major wall of lies that I was believing. I learned that God delights in me. That He loves who He created me to be. That I can live in joy because He has made my heart good. Captivating helped me see my value as a woman. It also talks a lot about healing. Walking with God helped me see that my relationship with God could really be a relationship instead of a list of rules to follow.   

Quivering Daughters: Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hillary McFarland
Ah, what do I say here? Hillary has been a mentor and become a friend. She totally understands the pressures we faced growing up in legalistic families. Her gentle words have often comforted me. Her grace toward friend and foe alike have inspired me. Her book and blog (www.quiveringdaughters.com) have been such a huge part of my healing that I’m not even sure how to explain it.

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to say NO To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Everyone should read a book like this. Did you know that it is ok to say no sometimes? To take care of yourself rather than help someone else if you are exhausted? That you are an individual, not an extension of another person? This book explains what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to maintain them.

A Matter of Basic Principles: Bill Gothard and the Christian Life by Don Veinot
This is a hard book to read, but necessary for anyone involved in IBLP/ATI.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Explains the thinking of abusers (male and female, despite the title) and how to respond to them. I tend to ask “why” a lot. This book answered so many of my questions. It also gives detailed instructions on how to get away from an abuser if necessary. Not an easy or short read, but well worth it.

When Sparrows Fall: A Novel by Meg Mosley
This one is an easy read, except for possible triggers. It takes various things we were taught and explains them to those who have never heard of them as well as exposing why they are inaccurate - all in novel form. This might be a really good book to hand to relatives who want to understand why we were raised so differently.

This is Your Brain on Joy by Dr. Earl Henslin
This is a rather technical book, but in plain English. It explains the various sections of the brain and what they do (as far as we currently understand it). He also explains how to help your brain to get or stay healthy, including specific recommendations for foods and supplements that may help fight depression, anxiety, anger, etc.

There will be times when you will read something that will trigger unpleasant memories or challenge lies that you believe. One of the things that helped me most at those times was to talk with a supportive friend or counselor who would first listen, then give feedback or remind me of other facts or memories that might help make sense of whatever it was I was processing.

There is no specific order in which to read these. Whatever sounds the most interesting to you is probably what you need first. If you get overwhelmed, feel free to set aside one book and read another for a while. This is not a race to get them all read (high achiever/ perfectionist speaking here). The goal is let the truth you need right that minute soak into your soul. That may be totally different from one day to the next.

Happy reading!

Love,

Your bookworm friend
____
Question for you: What books or resources have helped you, and why?

Link Round-Up

2011-08-17T19:01:00.001-05:00

've come across some great reading over the past few weeks and wanted to share with you. Have you found anything inspiring lately? Or maybe written something especially profound? I'd love it if you'd add some favorites of your own in the comments!

On womanhood ...
I Was You Once

On homeschooling ...
Faith to Embrace Diversity

On patriocentricity ...
The Sins of Triviality and Partiality and the Curriculum that Promotes Them

On the “victim mentality” ...
My Personal Response to “Why Don't you Just Move On?”

On parenting ...
Possession Mistaken for Love

Midday Connection Discusses Spiritual Abuse in the Home

2011-08-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

humble and courageous “quivering daughter” recently discussed the issue of spiritual abuse and oppression on Moody Radio's Midday Connection. You won't want to miss her story and testimony of God's healing.

Personal note: I can't listen to this without tears.

A Gentle Reality Check for the Daughters of Patriarchy

2011-07-29T22:44:00.002-05:00

s I shared on facebook, I've wanted to address this topic for a long time. But while chatting with my friend Darcy, I realized that she was the perfect one to write about it instead. I'm including a teaser clip below, but please click the following link to view the article in its entirety. I couldn't be more thankful or proud of Darcy for this and truly believe that this reality check is sorely needed in the world of Biblical Patriarchy.

Darcy writes:

My husband's a trucker. I'm "alone" from about Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon every week during the summer. I have to fend for myself and three kids. I sleep alone, a gun nearby, knowing there may come a night I'll have to use it (and trust me, I can use it better than most men I know). I have to make all the decisions on how to run my house alone. I have to be mature and interact with the world around me (including men and atheists *gasp*) alone. I have to be discerning all by myself, able to judge right and wrong, wise and foolish. If I break down on the side of the road, my husband isn't there to "protect" or rescue me. I have to deal with it as if I were single. I have to be strong and capable and mature and independent every single day. My husband leaves every week depending on me to be all these things and more. If I had an emergency, it could be 12+ hours before my husband could get to me. He didn't need a girl who needed to be coddled, needed someone to make decisions for her, needed to be "led" and guided in daily interactions like a child. He needed a mature woman who could handle an imperfect life. And it's a darn good thing that I didn't spend my growing up years thinking I needed a man to handle my life or come between me and the big bad world. I had to learn how to be a functioning part of society and take care of myself and others. My family's well-being depends on this.

I know girls who weren’t allowed to go grocery shopping, in a safe small town, without their dad or big brother for “protection”. They weren’t allowed to go anywhere without a man, for that matter. Their view of the Big Bad Men in the world they needed to be protected from has grown into a paranoia. They’re scared of their own shadows. They think all men are out to rape them or take advantage of them. And they truly believe they are gullible, weak, and cannot handle life on their own, because that's the line they've been fed all their lives. It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As my friend, Christi, said in comment to this idea:

"This is exactly what patriarchy wants us to believe, that women are weak-minded things incapable of avoiding dangerous situation. I lived alone ...and I never found myself in a compromising position. And how would a predator know whether a woman lived at home with her parents, or with her husband, or lived "alone" (with roommates)?

And while we're talking about this, why don't people realize that homemakers are some of the most "alone" and vulnerable women out there? You seem to not realize that married young women have to do the exact same things that young women who are away at college have to do, and more. I have to go out and do my shopping alone, just like a college girl would (though I imagine that college girls get to carpool together). What's more, I'm even at home alone. I'm pretty sure that I'd really be better protected on a college campus since I'm alone during the day (and night, since my husband works until 11 PM) and have often had to interact with strange men, sometimes even inside my house, while my husband is at work. Apartment maintenance men, internet guy, phone guy, UPS man, door-to-door salesmen, etc. Oh, and it's usually my job to take our car in for repairs and oil changes. Car repairmen are actually pretty nice, or maybe it depends on where you go (which again, is simply a matter of making an intelligence choice).

I mean no disrespect to my husband when I say this but, he's really not here a lot to protect me because he's busy working a full-time job in addition to being a full-time student. My marriage license doesn't really afford me any more physical protection than I had when I was single."

Please view On Women and Protection to read more!

Recovering Grace: A Gothard Generation Shines Light on the Teachings of IBLP and ATI

2011-07-23T18:50:00.000-05:00

Introducing a new site that may be of interest to some Quivering Daughters readers:

You Have a Story

2011-07-22T09:53:00.004-05:00

My strategy to survive was to appease the soldiers and to make friends with them. I thought, if only we could make friends with these soldiers, then we would survive.

But porters can die at any time. For example, if a soldier got angry and just shot me with his gun, nothing would happen to him. I would just die, like a chicken or a rat. To Tanintharyi Division, they send 500 porters every year. Of the 500, only 72 porters make it back to the prison. If you survive, you survive.

I was a porter for nearly six months.

~ Lai Pa, 34-year-old man from Burma. Source: How to Use Stories to Change the World.

by Hillary McFarland

verybody has a story. Sometimes it's buried so deep we forget we have something to say. We wonder who would want to listen? And often it's so painful that reliving our stories through the telling process is such an overwhelming prospect that we squash it into oblivion.

Stories are like sculptures. They must be chiseled slowly, carefully. Creating art from a sprawling array of experiences takes time. And yet, this can be powerful. Redemptive. And part of a personal healing journey.

My book features many stories from women who share their experiences of setting out like Abraham into a land they do not know, a life they do not know. It's a tremendous act of faith to follow the prompting of God and leave all they've known behind, but these women are brave. Courageous. And I am deeply inspired by them. They are my heroes. And I continue to hear from others who do the same ... who leave all to take up their cross and follow God into the wilderness despite extreme physical and emotional hardship, rejection from their families, and the comfort of what they've always known. It is scary to walk by faith! It is agonizing to endure accusations, knowing that your act of godly obedience reaps judgments of rebellion, of feminism, of apostasy and worse from those you love the most.

It is in this pain, in this becoming, in this life journey, we find your story.

Jeff Goins says

God gave you something to say. Even if you don’t believe in this idea of a Creator who has an ultimate plan for the universe, there is something in you that knows you have a purpose. That there is more to life than just you and me and all our stupid, fleeting fancies.

(Yes, I just used “fleeting fancies” in a blog post. That’s how I roll.)

You have a unique voice with a unique message. It is called your story. And only you can tell it. ~ Jeff Goins, You Have a Voice

He hosts my favorite website for writers. He is encouraging and inspirational, offering fresh perspectives on the art of prose. He says that everyone has a story to tell. And he reminds us that:

To be an artist (a writer, photographer, painter, musician, etc.) is to suffer, but not without meaning. Not without purpose. To be an artist is also to create something beautiful that can alleviate pain. ~ Jeff Goins, Art Helps us Deal with Suffering

Some of the early drafts of my book Quivering Daughters were written in real time. For me, writing helps me to process. It's like lifting the lid off a pot of boiling water, allowing steam, and therefore pressure, to escape. It allows the rabid, frothy pain to dissipate so I can see what is really there underneath the surface of emotional reaction. It helps bring clarity.

My story, and the stories of my heroes, are real. They are told through our own unique perspectives. This is something no one else has. No one else can tell your story the way you can. But here is what I want you to take from this: when you share your story, with all of its nuances of light and dark, of pain and joy and heartache and victory and morning and shadow, when you flood your pages with vulnerability and crack open those deep, hidden places, there will be those who try to discount your experience because they had a different one. They have different eyes and don't trust your eyes. They have a different tolerance of pain. And they will dismiss you. They will try to re-write your story. Or edit it. Or tell you that you're wrong. Maybe even that you are lying.

You can't take my story away from me.

Here's the thing. God knows the truth. He knows the truth about your story, and that is what matters. Trust Him. He knows what your eyes see. Tell your story with confidence because you answer to Him, not to those who discount your thoughts and experiences and feelings. You don't have to defend the truth. Truth defends you. Be faithful to God's calling and trust Him. He is faithful.

If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God... John 3:20-21

Your story comes from your heart. It is a culmination of many things, but it gestates in your heart and you birth it, and it comes alive. Guard your heart. Keep it with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Don't give it away. Don't let your story be re-written by others.

What story do you have to tell?

What keeps you from telling it?

Finding Healing from Disillusionment | Guest Post

2011-07-18T07:00:00.015-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

What do you do when someone you trust breaks that trust? When you find out that they are a hypocrite? When you finally realize that all the little things that didn’t quite make sense before, now make perfect sense, but in the opposite way you had hoped?

don’t know about you, but I felt lost. Disoriented. And hurt – deeply hurt. I totally believed the leader of the organization I was a part of. Why wouldn’t I? My parents believed a lot of what he said. What he said sounded logical. He seemed to have things all figured out. He claimed to have answers that no one else did to very common problems that people face. And his “answers” seemed to work. If they didn’t, it must be my fault, not his. I must not be doing it right. I must not be committed enough. I just need to keep trying, and then it will work.

I worshiped him, really. Of course, I would have denied any such thing. Everyone knows that you only worship God, not people, even really outstanding leaders. But in reality, I worshiped him. I believed every word. I believed the stories he told of the wonderful things God was doing through him and the organization. I wanted so much to be a part of those wonderful things!

Some things didn’t quite stack up, though. Why did the board of directors change frequently? Sometimes it was just one or two leaving and being replaced. Other times it was almost everyone on the board. Much later, I learned that the leader, according to the organization’s bylaws, can never be fired. So, while he claims to be accountable to the board, he really is accountable to absolutely no one. If one of the men on the board disagrees with the leader too much, the leader has been known to be sure they leave the board at the end of their one year term.

Unanswered Questions

Before I actually worked in the organization, I assumed that any problems I saw must be the fault of the underlings abusing their own power. Surely, if the leader knew what was happening, he would put a stop to it! I came to realize that these things were indeed coming from the top down. The leader would not put a stop to it unless it looked bad to people he wanted to impress. Reality was hidden, propaganda was disseminated, and the casualties were assumed to be the cause of the problem.

And I grew to wonder.

Why was I never good enough to be invited to take part in some of the wonderful programs going on? I would try harder to become more spiritual, hoping someday to be invited. I eventually came to peace with it being “God’s will” that I serve Him in obscurity. I later learned that only the pretty girls worked in the leader’s office. Not only that, but he had strong opinions on their hair style and dress, definite preferences on hair color and height, and was totally intolerant of them being overweight. Any girl who didn’t meet those expectations or take his suggestions on how to meet them would not be invited back.

Why did the leader defend sexual abusers and attempt to manipulate the people trying to hold the abusers responsible? Did he really not understand what was going on? I have yet to see him confront an abuser and defend a victim for any kind of abuse. More often, I have seen the abuser protected and the victim either dismissed or made to feel that the abuse was their fault. While the leader claimed to have answers for helping victims heal, it was really more like slapping a band-aid on a gaping wound.

When I eventually had a chance to work in the organization, more questions came. Why was the leader unable to accept even a hint of correction on an idea? Why did the leader refuse to allow any disagreement whatsoever? Could I really trust the leader to be infallible? I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not a good idea to trust someone who appears to be perfect.

Why did the leader claim he wanted us to do a job a certain way, but then do things that would prevent us being able to fulfill that expectation? Why did the leader seem more concerned with money issues than with meeting people’s needs? Why did the leader make promises that he never fulfilled, in fact, had no power to fulfill? I found myself having to protect the interests of those who were relying on my help, to the detriment of the leader’s pet projects.

Why did the leader surround himself with good looking young people rather than competent people? Why did staff members suddenly disappear with no warning (having been sent home) and no explanation? Why was the remaining staff always reminded not to “gossip” when this happened? Why did a few people leave the leader’s office suicidal after talking with him? Secrecy regarding the leader’s actions, but no secrecy allowed in the staff member’s lives – why? I began to wonder what there was to hide. There certainly were plenty of unanswered questions.

Why were long standing rules suddenly changed for appearances’ sake? Why was physical safety compromised in order for things to look good? For that matter, why did everything seem to be done for show? In spite of an emphasis on the heart and “root problems,” it seemed like all that mattered was how people perceived us.

Healing

So how is a person to deal with disillusionment? Honestly, I don’t have the answer to that. All I know is that God is leading me through a process that is helping me.

I realized that the person I trusted was not God. I stopped worshipping the person. I stopped believing the person, since he had proven he could not be trusted. I began to believe the reality of what I was actually seeing and hearing, not the propaganda. I began to take responsibility for my own decisions, rather than rely on the leader to make them for me.

I realized that God is not like the person I trusted. This is huge. God is not manipulative. God is concerned with the heart, not outward appearance. God loves me unconditionally, not based on my performance. God is patient; He doesn’t demand that I obey immediately without thinking. God welcomes questions. God loves to hear me tell Him about my problems; He will listen even though He already knows the answer.

I removed myself from the control of the no-longer-trustworthy person. I removed myself from the spiritual, emotional, and physical control. Thankfully, there was no financial control. I refused to allow the leader to “live in my head” anymore. In other words, I refused to keep thinking about what he would say/want/do. Instead, I started figuring out who I was apart from him and what I wanted to do. I started to figure out who I was in Christ, instead of who I was in the organization.

I began learning who God really is. God led me through the journey I described in my last post. In fact, I am still on that journey. I am learning to look at Scripture without the filter that the leader put on it for me. I am seeking God – the true God, not a human god.

I am healing.

____________

Eliza is a young woman who was burned by legalism, but then discovered that Jesus already kept the law for her. Her desire is to get to know Him better. You can contact her at elizabethwysecook(at)gmail(dot)com. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

To Change a World | Guest Post

2011-07-15T10:58:00.002-05:00

by Melanie Anderson

unset Park is a little piece of fairytale on the coast of one of the Great Lakes, about twenty or so minutes from where I live. It looks like just a hill with the lake in the distance until you are a couple feet from the edge and realize you are standing at the top of a wall of rock falling to the thin rocky beach below. It is one of my favorite places to go to. It feels like, for a brief period of time, I can actually step into a fairytale world, or at least the Atlantic coast. I could sit on the edge of one of the crags or stand on the beach below for hours, watching the sun's journey towards the western horizon and thinking. Because the whole atmosphere is very conducive for thinking.

source

On a recent visit to Sunset Park, I decided to watch the sunset alone from the beach at the foot of the crags. It's a rocky climb down, but if you just find the right place, it's not to steep. I climbed down to the edge of the water and sat on a log that had, some time back, tumbled down from the height above. I watched the waves rushing towards my feet and then falling back again into the vast expanse of water, which, at our point in the lake, looks like it could go on forever to the edge of the world.

As I sat there at the edge of the water, my mind deep in thought, I realized what I want to do with my life.

The shore of the ocean or a natural lake is always changing. Occasionally a huge wave hits a shore and drastically changes it, but usually the changes occur slowly over time, by the work of small waves washing up and back one at a time. The waves rush up one by one onto the shore and then fall back, pulling bits of sand and pebbles with them. Slowly, the beach changes shape, the pebbles are rearranged, and over time, the rock and dirt erode. The crags at Sunset Park were formed, at least in part, from years of water washing up at the dirt and carrying it elsewhere. Even while I was there, the beach where I sat looked ever so slightly different by the time I left then it had when I arrived. And it made me think.

pacific ocean off highway 1

One wave doesn't do it all; they work together to change the shore they wash upon.

I'm only one life. I can't change the world by myself. But I can make what difference I can. I remembered a line from one of my favorite BBC miniseries, Wives and Daughters, where Squire Hamley tells Molly, “That's what we're here for, we're told ~ to leave the world a better place than where we found it.”

Many of us, particularly those from Fundamentalist backgrounds, have been laden with pressures to do great and huge things to be accepted by God and the Christian community. A missionary, a pastor's wife, or a prominent blogger and speaker is far better and far holier than being a teacher, a teller at a bank, or a secretary at a local business. But that evening, it dawned on me: instead of pining and wishing to be great and impressive, to change the world all at once all by myself (a task which is far too big for me), I can purpose to touch and change for the better each individual life I come in contact with, in however big or small away God sees fit. I don't have to do huge things like run a huge ministry in inner-city Chicago or become a famous missionary; I don't have to be canonized by the Catholics or biographied by the Protestants, in order to “not waste my life”. I can “live Jesus” ~ be like Him ~ living the same kind of practical love that he showed during his 33 years on earth. I can be there for the people right here that need someone to love them, and leave each person's world a better place than where I found it.

These thoughts were partially brought on by a conversation I'd been having with someone earlier, where I found out some more about the awful emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse some good friends had experienced at the hand of their dad (a deacon of a church) when they were growing up. It broke my heart to realize what they and so many other children have been through. Watching those waves and thinking about changing lives, and about these friends' lives, helped to solidify my desire to work with and be there for abused or neglected children (and adults), to stop abuse where I can (even that abuse which hides under the appearance of a “good Christian home”), to love those who don't get love at home, to be a haven and a ray of sunshine for someone in the midst of a stormy world.

I may not be able to stop all the abuse that happens in Patriarchal and Fundamentalist circles, but I can be there to help those who have been hurt by it, to encourage them and help them find hope, as best as I can, as others have done for me. And even if I can't do something huge or impressive, it is sometimes the small things that make the biggest difference. A kind word, a smile, a hug, just being there for someone, can mean so much.

I know from experience. During a devastatingly time earlier this year, there were a few individuals who were there for me, to listen to my fears, to encourage me to keep going, to point me to Jesus, to send “e-hugs” and tell me I was brave when I felt like my legs were made of jelly ... and it gave me the courage I needed to face one of the most difficult times in my life. There were even times when I was so lonely that I would feel like crying with happiness after been shown even the smallest acts of kindness, such as when a dating couple, who you'd think would be only concerned about each other, noticed me sitting alone at church and invited me to sit with them during the service ~ they made me feel like I was wanted, like I belonged. Even small gestures like that can mean so much. Just knowing someone notices and cares. Just knowing you belong. I want to provide that joy and sense of love and belonging for others.

I want to make a conscious effort, here and now, to reach the people right around me and love them and bring hope to their lives. I may not be able to change the world as a whole, but perhaps I can change someone's world. I may never become known as a famous “champion of the faith”, but what does that matter to the person who just needs a shoulder to lean on to get through a difficult time, who needs someone to love them? If I can make that person's world a little better than when I found it, in however small a way that may be, I will not feel I have wasted my life. And perhaps if all of us reach out where we can, in the realm of influence God gives us, touching and blessing the lives we come in contact with, we can, like the water in the ocean, change the world one wave of kindness at a time.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

~ Helen Keller

____
Melanie is a tender-hearted young woman with a passion for God and His daughters.

Garments of Salvation

2011-06-30T08:00:00.008-05:00

By Eric M. Pazdziora

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?”

—Jesus (Matthew 6:28-30, NIV)

Why do we worry about clothes? Ever since Adam and Eve’s sin made them ashamed of their nakedness, there’s something about the subject of clothing that makes people a little tetchy. Just ask, “Is it OK to wear this?” and everybody will chime in with an opinion until you’re too dizzy to care.

Jesus, of course, was talking to people who were worried about whether they’d be able to get any clothes at all, helping them remember God’s faithfulness to provide. Lots of other things make people worried about clothes, though. Am I overdressed? Am I underdressed? Is this tie too geeky? Will that skirt be too chilly? Is this too revealing? Will that cause a brother to stumble, or will he stumble on his own? Why exactly is it so horrible to wear white after Labor Day? And of course the all-time classic: Does this make me look fat?

Living under a system of rules is a great recipe for worry. Especially religious rules: if you have to do the right thing to glorify God, what if you do the wrong thing? Yet most Bible teachings about clothing are crammed with moralistic, rules-based readings of Scripture, especially once they get to “modesty.” I think we’ve missed the point.

One way to read the Bible, as I’ve described elsewhere, is to treat it as God's Little Instruction Book. You scour it to find out what it says on topics X and Y and Z, and then tell us the instructions we have to follow. That’s where most teachings on modesty seem to come from. “See? There’s a verse in the Bible with the word ‘modest’ in it, so you can’t wear that!”

That’s problematic. For all the fuss people make about it, the Bible’s instructions about modesty aren’t terribly concerned with clothes. The Greek word translated “modesty” (kosimos) just means “well-ordered,” like the universe or a good library. The only place in the New Testament it refers to clothing for women, details like fashion and cut and fabric aren’t discussed; apparently it’s more important that women “adorn themselves… with good deeds” (1 Timothy 2:9-10). It’s used only once more, about an elder’s moral character (1 Tim. 3:2), where it’s translated “respectable,” or “of good behaviour.” The Lord’s looking at the heart, and we’ve made it about the outward appearance.

These aren’t the rules we were looking for. If anyone thinks these verses say anything about skin or skirts or jeans or shoulder straps or dresses or shorts or swimsuits or necklines or hemlines or sunbonnets, they’re committing eisegesis—reading things into the Scripture that simply aren’t there. So if we treat the Bible as a book of rules about what to wear or not to wear, it comes up surprisingly short. “Dress reasonably” is fine as far as it goes, but it doesn’t go to any specifics at all. That’s not what we would expect if God was giving us an instruction book. What can we do?

We could play the part of the Pharisees, making up extensive lists of rules about what counts as “modest” or not, then enshrining them as “biblical principles.” We could become lazy legalists, checking hemlines with tape measures and calling it “an issue of the heart.” We could get all chauvinistic and tie it to the sin of lust, blaming the way men sin on the way women dress. (Never mind that James explains, “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust,” not “by what someone else wears.”) We could try to find a reasonable middle ground, invoking Romans 14, saying that Scripture expects us to come to our own conclusions based on our cultural context.

Or we could read the Bible the other way.

When we look at the Bible to find rules, as the example of “modesty” shows frustratingly well, it becomes a morass of vague, conflicting ideas and banal moralizing. We’re left trying to insist that our favorite proof texts are more definitive than they are, and facing strong temptations to legalism and pharisaism. Even if we found clear rules and laws, how could we expect to live up to them, anyway? As C. S. Lewis quipped in another context, this is “the discovery of the mare’s nest by pursuit of the red herring.”

The other way of reading the Bible is the way Jesus interpreted Scripture. It involves a simple, but very challenging, readjustment of the way we look at things.

What if the Bible isn’t a book of moralistic platitudes? What if there’s a bigger, bolder, more glorious theme that everything else in it points to?

And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, [Jesus] interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself. (Luke 24:27, ESV)

Jesus said that “all the Scriptures” have something to say about Him. A daunting claim, to be sure, unless of course you’re the Son of God incarnate. On other occasions He went even further, calling out the Pharisees on their elevation of the Bible above the Person it’s about:

You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (John 5:39-40, ESV)

The Scriptures point us to Jesus. If we make obeying the Scriptures more important than seeing Jesus in the Scriptures, we’ve missed the whole point of the Scriptures.

Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith. (Galatians 3:24, NASB)

If we don’t let the Scriptures direct us to Jesus in everything, even in what we think of as the Law, then we’ve failed to get the lesson the Law itself is there to teach us. God isn’t concerned with making sure we can check off a list of idealized behaviors. God wants us to— well, I’ll let Jesus say it:

Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” (John 6:28-29 ESV)

The “work of God” is singular: Believe in Jesus. Check.

When we read the Bible as a book that’s meant to point us to Jesus, we start to see the big picture. It’s the Gospel. We can’t possibly keep the Law, so Jesus came to die to set us free from sin and let us live by grace instead. By comparison, nit-picky moralistic rules about clothes seem paltry and trifling. Who cares about hemlines when you can look at the beauty of grace?

Yes, that one verse mentioned earlier says “modesty,” but it says it as an application of the idea that “there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all” (see 1 Timothy 2:1-10). The point isn’t “Keep this rule.” It’s “Look at Jesus. Look at the salvation and mercy and redemption and reconciliation with God Jesus gives you in the Gospel. Show people the Gospel in the way you act. For instance, don’t act as though clothes are the most important thing in your life; that would be Jesus.”

This is where it gets really interesting. Although that’s the main verse people try (wrongly) to make a rule from, it’s not an isolated example. When the writers of Scripture talk about the Gospel, they start talking about clothes. Not legalistic rules about clothes—clothing as a metaphor for salvation.

I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
(Isaiah 61:10, NIV)

Clothing is a persistent image of salvation throughout Scripture, from God covering Adam and Eve’s nakedness in Genesis to the choir of redeemed souls clothed in white in Revelation. It goes like this:

Our sin covers us in shame like dirty garments. Even our righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). And then we have to stand before the King. What could be more humiliating than showing up in the throne room covered in sewage? But the King has something to give us:

Then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to accuse him. The LORD said to Satan, “The LORD rebuke you, Satan! Indeed, the LORD who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?”

Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments and standing before the angel. He spoke and said to those who were standing before him, saying, “Remove the filthy garments from him.” Again he said to him, “See, I have taken your iniquity away from you and will clothe you with festal robes.”

Then I said, “Let them put a clean turban on his head.” So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him with garments, while the angel of the LORD was standing by. (Zechariah 3:1-5, NASB)

We can’t clean our own clothes. Some stains don’t come out. So God gives us new clothes, clean clothes, garments washed white to cover our shame.

I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. (Revelation 3:18, NIV)

Salvation is a new beginning, coming home, starting over again. When the Prodigal Son came home, the first thing his father did was to show his welcome and forgiveness by giving him new clothes.

But the father said to his servants, “Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.” (Luke 15:22-24, ESV)

You were covered in ashes, mourning, despair, filthy clothes from a pigsty. God wants to dress you in beauty, gladness, joy— the garments of praise.

[God has sent me] to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:3, NIV)

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
(Psalm 30:11-12, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that we don’t have to clothe ourselves with our own righteousness, religious efforts, or good works. We’re clothed in Christ Himself.

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh. (Romans 13:14, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that when we’re clothed in Christ, we become like Christ.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV)

The message of the Gospel is that in Christ all things are going to be transformed, changed, made new. Christ covers death itself with resurrection, immortality, and victory. At the end of things, we’ll take off our worn-out earthly bodies and be given new, immortal ones to wear.

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” (1 Corinthians 15:51-54, NIV)

That’s how the Bible looks when we read it as a book about Jesus. And we wanted to trade that for rules about “modesty”?

The truth is that you don’t have to worry about clothing. God will provide it for you.

You don’t have to worry about spiritual clothing either. You don’t have to worry about righteousness. You don’t have to worry about holiness. You don’t have to worry about being pure, being good enough, being clean, measuring up, being saved, having joy, being loved, being comforted, having everlasting life.

God gives you those, too.

Image Source

Eric M. Pazdziora is a regular contributor to Quivering Daughters. In his other time, he's a composer, author, editor, and pianist. His music includes an album of original hymns entitled "New Creation," featuring his wife Carrie on vocals, and an up-and-coming band called Thornfield. To hear Eric's music or to read more of his writings, visit his website at www.ericpazdziora.com.

Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse (And Other Things)

2011-06-28T08:52:00.002-05:00

t has been a busy year for Quivering Daughters. I am humbled and overwhelmed by the responses, both public and private, to my book. I want to thank everyone who has contacted me, prayed for, and written to me, as well as all who have shown support and shared concerns. I pray that the Lord continues to use the message He laid on my heart for women for His glory, and humbly ask that you continue to pray both for those who read this book and for those who encounter or promote differing viewpoints. May the Lord be glorified and His name be praised!

While by no means exhaustive, I'd like to offer a couple quick mentions: much appreciation to Gina Dalfonzo from BreakPoint for her review published in Christianity Today. In addition, Internet Monk is hosting an open discussion about the issues raised in my book if you would like to participate. I'm also deeply thankful to Lanier for her review on YLCF this past March.

And finally, don't miss these truly insightful links:

from Permission to Live:

Denial takes on many forms. It can look kind of like being a murderer in court, trying to convince the judge to let you off because you only killed one person, “At least I wasn’t a serial killer!” you protest. "I killed the guy with a gun, it’s not like I went after him with an axe!” The fact is, you are still a murderer, and you still have to deal with the repercussions of that.

Another example of this is sort of like the Pharisees’ prayer in the Bible where he prays, thanking God that he doesn’t have all the sins of other people all while completely ignoring his own sins. In this denial, you might say “I thank God that I wasn’t like those homeless children, at least I HAD parents. At least I am alive! I could have been one of those children who got killed by their parents, so I have it pretty good. I should be grateful.” You keep busy telling yourself what didn’t happen to you, so that you never have to face what actually did happen to you...

Please view "Lies We Tell Ourselves About Abuse" to read the article in its entirety.

And a guest post on Darcy's Heart-Stirrings:

Letter to a Family Considering Joining ATI

May God bless you all.

When Parental Obedience Brings Rejection | A Repost

2011-06-27T19:33:00.002-05:00

But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy...

1 Tim. 3:1-2

by Hillary McFarland

ave you ever had this Scripture quoted at you? With ominous emphasis on last days and disobedience to parents? I have.

I often hear from ostracized adult daughters who have made life decisions their parents believe are in disobedience (rebellion) to them and their teachings. Most of these women report that the difficult choices they make are a response to God's calling for them. Parents counter that God wouldn't ask them to do something that contradicts what they have taught and their understanding of Scripture.

Yet these same parents teach their children to obey God first, regardless of the cost, regardless of the suffering and sacrifice, regardless of what other people think. These same parents generally encourage their children to stay in the Word and ask God for wisdom. To grow in the knowledge of Him, take up the cross, and follow.

When these women obediently do so, they are condemned, emotionally (and sometimes physically) severed from their families, and rejected.

Disobedience, Really?

Scripture teaches that children are to honor their parents, but there is a difference between honor and obedience. Honor itself is not always a feeling. This article is not a criticism of parents who want to raise a godly family but it is a pointed look at the highly-confusing message some women (and men) struggle with in their adult life: which is that living life differently, having alternate convictions, or even reaching a different understanding of Scripture is equal to backsliding, rebellion, deception, or rejection of faith. For those who have prayed, studied, and carefully sought the Lord regarding their conclusions, this can be absolutely crushing.

Part of walking with God means to be bare before Him, asking Him to reveal sin in our lives and lead us in the way everlasting. Only the Lord knows the true motivations of our hearts. If there is an adult daughter who is in true rebellion and disobedience, there is still hope! However, honor and obedience notwithstanding, I submit that there is a lot less disobedience happening than some would have us believe.

Did your parents raise you to obey God? Did they teach you to follow Jesus? It's a hard life. Can a parent ever be truly prepared for this? Can we ever be truly prepared for this? Because this is the reality of a cross-bearing life:

Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it—lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. Luke 14:25-33

Did they raise you to seek first the kingdom of God? To be willing to go against the flow, to sacrifice? To take a stand? To question? To test all things and hold fast the good? To love God above all others, even when it hurts?

Encouragement for Living

Transitions are rarely easy, especially when it comes to issues of family and faith, individual (yes, individual) relationships with God, relationships with those we love, and sometimes the simple matter of growing up. It's hard for everyone. For women, especially those who do follow the Lord faithfully despite opposition, may I offer some humble encouragement?

Keep your words sweet, like the saying reminds us, because someday you might have to eat them.
Seek to be humble in all things.
Stay open to correction, because we can learn from everyone despite disagreement.
Find safe and trustworthy people with whom to fellowship, even if you meet for coffee once a week.
The art of boundaries takes time to develop, but ask the Lord to show you how! And keep firm, but gracious, boundaries.
Listen well. Pray without ceasing.
As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all. But follow Jesus first.
Trust God. Trust His love for you and His love for the ones you love.
Remember that parents and others sometimes respond like they do because they are genuinely afraid for you. Honor them and be thankful for their love. Take their fears to the Heavenly Father and ask Him if there is anything He wants to show you through them, and ask Him to comfort them also.
Endure.
Don't let the rejection you feel cause you to reject others ~ or to even reject yourself. Don't reject your sadness. Don't reject your pain. Don't reject your anger. Let God use these things, and the God-of-all-comfort will bring life in ways you've never expected.
Do not return "evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing."
Love.

It can be confusing and deeply hurtful to experience emotional or physical rejection, especially when you have ultimately done what was asked of you. It's hard when you reap 'punishment' for obedience, rather than disobedience.

But take heart that you are not rejected by the One who matters most.

How Healing Starts to Happen

2011-05-09T22:21:00.002-05:00

“not once,” i whisper. “not once did you or mum come into my room, sit on my bed and say sorry. not once did you ask me how i was doing; why i was hurting myself, and what you could do to help.”

Click here to continue reading How Healing Starts to Happen, written by my dear friend, Emily Wierenga. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words to sufficiently introduce this article. Parents of aching children and the aching children of parents can both find healing here. All I can say is ... please read her words. You will be glad you did.

The Journey

2011-05-03T06:00:00.005-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

source

wish I could tell you the whole story of how God rescued me and healed me, but that would take at least ten posts. But I will say this. It was personal, intimate, and totally tailored to where I was each step of the way. God kept bringing the right friend, the right book, the right message, the right quote, the right mentor, or whatever I needed at exactly the right time.

So how did I get out of legalism? Two words: God & friends.

GOD:

Who knew my desire for Him

Who patiently waited for me to be ready

Who came to me

Who gently shone His light into my cell

Who gave me genuine choices

Who smiled at me

Who loved me no matter what choice I made

Who spoke without speaking

Who held me close while I cried

Who showed me my heart

Who walked with me every step of the way

Who promised to help me tear down the walls

Who promised to help me clean up the toxic waste

Who helped create beauty where there had been darkness and chaos

Who has never given up on me

FRIENDS:

Who loved unconditionally

Who looked beyond the walls to see the real me

Who loved me even when I hid from them

Who listened and listened and listened

Who gave when I was afraid to receive

Who gently insisted that I receive

Who validated pain

Who gently reasoned against slavery

Who gave me courage

Who cheered at the smallest progress

Who recommended resources

Who told me the truth

Who taught me that friends are essential

Who were real, not perfect

Who taught me to see beauty

source

I had a lot of fear when all of this started happening to me. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I had no idea what God would uncover in my life. I was afraid of pain, afraid of the unknown, afraid to lose control. However, I decided to trust God and let Him open whatever areas He needed to. He didn’t let me down; He was very gentle.

And, yes, there has been pain as well. Sometimes intense emotional pain. But it was never without the compensation of joy, sometimes overwhelming joy. I discovered that shutting out painful emotions also shuts out the positive ones. So as I dealt with the negative emotions, the positive ones became free to express themselves again.

This journey was not something that I accomplished. There were many times that I knew some area needed change or healing. At first, I would get frustrated and try to change it, but you can probably guess how well that worked. Eventually, I started learning to just rest and trust. To let Him work in His time. There were times that I would say to Him, “God, I know this area of my life is not good. Whenever you are ready to go there and clean it up, I am willing.” Then I would refuse to feel guilty and just rest and be ready when He came.

God isn’t done with me yet. That is the beauty of a relationship with Him. He never gives up on us!

____________
Elizabeth is taking a small break with writing and will return in a few short weeks. Please continue checking back to read more of her unique perspective. You can contact her at elizabethwysecook(at)gmail(dot)com. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

The Bondage of Betrothal

2011-04-28T08:00:00.009-05:00

by Eric M. Pazdziora

One of the fundamental teachings of the Biblical Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements is the doctrine of “biblical courtship,” or “betrothal.” (My brother suggested the word “casuistries” instead of “teachings,” which is perfect except that I didn’t know it before, either.) This teaching has it that since a father is the head of the family, his children are completely under his authority—even for deciding whom they marry as adults.

Under this system, adult daughters or sons who presume to consider marrying somebody their patriocentric parents don’t approve of may be labeled rebellious against God and His plan for the family. It’s a classic case of bounded choice. Even though the doctrine purports to be motivated by turning fathers’ hearts toward their children, emotional trauma often ensues all around.

This isn’t about minors—I’ve heard this from men and women in their twenties or even older, still bound by parental authoritarianism. It’s a small step from “stay-at-home daughters” to “kept-at-home daughters.”

Let’s ask one simple question: Is that really what the Bible teaches?

The answer is this: God wants us to be free.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:31–36, NIV)

If that seems like a non sequitur, just stay with me. Jesus came to set you free from all the things that try to enslave you, control your life, drag you into sin and bondage and slavery. It’s a paradox: When we give up control of our lives to Jesus, He makes us free.

Freedom is sometimes misconstrued as license to sin. Nothing could be further from the truth—Jesus gives us freedom from all the sinful things that used to control us. Freedom in Christ means that we no longer have to be controlled by temper, passion, greed, lust, envy, porn, legalism, works-righteousness, laziness, alcohol, drugs, pride, sex, career, vanity, ego, reputation, peer pressure, food, bitterness...

... or authoritarian religious leaders.

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1, NASB)

The only way to be free is to follow Christ. Following anyone else is the way back to slavery. So anybody who sets themselves up as an authority to control your life is going against what Jesus wants for your life. You should be Christ-controlled, not others-controlled.

Godly leaders follow Jesus’ example in refusing to lord it over others:

Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away. (1 Peter 5:2–4 NKJV)

Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm. (2 Corinthians 1:24, NIV)

False leaders, on the other hand, try to compel people to follow them:

[This matter arose] because some false brothers had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves. (Galatians 2:4, NIV)

One of the easiest ways to tell a controlling religious leader is that they’re ready to whip out the word “rebellious” right about this point. Right back at ya: Being concerned about people “rebelling” against you is a sign of pride and authoritarianism, and pride and authoritarianism are rebellion against God. People can’t rebel against their servants, only against their masters. But if you’re positioning yourself as anyone’s master, you’re trying to take the place of the Lord. You’re rebelling against His commandment to serve as He does.

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25–28 NKJV)

What does any of this have to do with courtship, betrothal, marriage? Plenty. The modern doctrine of betrothal, at its core, is the idea that parents should act as authoritarian religious leaders, controlling their adult children’s lives and decisions about whom to marry. In other words, they don’t allow them to be free in Christ.

But doesn’t the Bible say “Children, obey your parents”? “Honor thy father and mother”? Of course it does, and I’m not diminishing that a bit. I am, however, pointing out that the Bible does not say “Parents, exercise total control over your children, even when they’re adults.” You can honor someone and still disagree with them. Sometimes “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). The corresponding command for parents is “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). What causes bitterness and discouragement? Authoritarian control, for one thing.

You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. (Ezekiel 34:4, NIV)

Parents can certainly give their adult children advice and counsel and wisdom and guidance. But for them to manipulate and control their children’s lives is self-defeating. Godly parenting is the art of helping someone who’s completely dependent on you to not need you anymore. You’re like a mother bird who, as soon as the babies are big enough, pushes them out of the nest so they can fly. In fact, that’s exactly what the Bible says marriage is about:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

That’s the very first thing the Bible says about marriage—in the story of Adam and Eve, no less—and it’s the most widely quoted Old Testament verse on marriage in the New Testament (Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7–8, 1 Cor. 6:16, Eph. 5:31, et cetera). Yet in my research, I found entire articles, entire websites even, on the subject of “betrothal” that neglect to mention that this verse exists.

Why would anybody trying to argue for a “biblical” doctrine of betrothal neglect the most significant verse in the Bible about marriage? Maybe because it undercuts their doctrine at the knees. “A man shall leave his father and mother,” not “a father and mother shall give a man permission.” “And be joined to his wife,” no mention of “provided her parents give consent.” And for that matter, “They shall become one flesh,” not “They shall become an authority and a subject.”

Does this really mean that a young man and a young woman have the God-given freedom to decide for themselves whom to marry? Well, believe it or not, that’s exactly what the Bible says.

One of the very few passages in the Old Testament that records what God said about people getting married (as opposed to the many that are historical records of what people did in the Ancient Near East, not commandments) is Numbers 36. If you think that God requires women to have “male coverings” or “parental authorities” to make decisions for them, you might have missed the story of Zelophehad’s daughters (as found in Numbers 27). See this article for a good overview.

Single women approaching God on their own without a father or any other male authority? Single women empowered to make their own decisions, get their own inheritance, have their own money, and work their own land? God taking their side and telling Moses and the elders that’s the right thing? In the Torah, even? Yep. It’s not modern feminism; it’s ancient Scripture.

Numbers 36 takes the story to the next level. The tribal elders brought Moses another question: who decides whom these single, fatherless women should marry? This was an issue because, since they were entitled to their own inheritance, marrying outside their tribe could have created economic instability. If ever there was a place in Scripture for God to set the record straight, to say “Well, ordinarily, parents ought to decide whether to give their daughters in marriage,” to tell them to find a male authority to guard their hearts and arrange their betrothal, here it is. And here’s what God said:

“This is what the LORD commands concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, ‘Let them marry whom they think best, only they shall marry within the clan of the tribe of their father.’” (Numbers 36:6, ESV, emphasis added)

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

Not whom their parents think best. Not their grandfather. Not their father’s brother. Not their pastor or priest or rabbi. Not their fiancé. Not even Yente the matchmaker.

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

The only stipulation (“within the clan”) was for economic purposes, to make sure the inheritance stayed in the tribe (Num. 36:7). We might compare the New Testament’s advice that Christians should marry other Christians (1 Cor. 7:39). That doesn’t mean that we’re not free to make our own decisions, just that we ought to make wise decisions.

“Let them marry whom they think best.”

It isn’t selfish to decide for yourself who is best to marry. It takes wisdom, intelligence, thoughtfulness, humility, trust. For believers, it takes prayer and reliance on God’s guidance. Nobody else can think for you. Nobody else can rely on God for you. Nobody else can decide who is best for you to marry.

The patriarchs themselves knew this. The story of Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 24) is often held up as an ideal of parentally arranged marriage, though as noted, it’s a historical account that nowhere suggests it’s a model for anyone else to follow, any more than the historical accounts of Hosea or David or Samson or the rapacious Benjaminites. Right in the middle of it, though, is this exchange:

And they said, “We will call the girl and consult her wishes.” Then they called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will go.” (Genesis 24:57–58, NASB)

If people wanted to live the way the biblical patriarchs did, they’d give their daughters the freedom to decide whom to marry. That’s what the Bible says, anyway.

The idea of freedom to choose a spouse carries over into the New Testament in 1 Corinthians 7, of all places. This chapter is often twisted to argue for the false doctrine of parental control over daughters’ marriages. You’d think the complete absence of the word “daughter” from the chapter in biblical Greek might tip people off that that’s a mistake. If you take the chapter as a whole, it is self-evidently an exhortation to embrace any situation you find yourself in—singleness, marriage, separation, whatever—as a chance to follow the Lord’s direction.

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. (1 Corinthians 7:17, ESV).

You should follow the Lord’s direction if He wants you to be single. You should follow the Lord’s direction if He wants you to marry. The one thing you should never do is let anyone else set themselves up as the Lord:

You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. (1 Corinthians 7:23, ESV)

In fact, that's one of the advantages of singleness—it leaves you more free to follow the Lord's direction on your own:

The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:34, NASB)

If the presuppositions of betrothal were true, then surely that verse should say, “The woman who is unmarried is concerned about the things of her father.” It doesn't. An unmarried adult woman answers only to the Lord.

And according to this chapter, who decides whom a woman should marry? There's only one verse in the whole chapter that addresses that question at all. (It's about widows.) Here's what it says:

...she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39b, ESV, emphasis added).

That sure sounds familiar. Paul is directly applying God’s commandment from the Torah—“Let them marry whom they think best”—to New Testament believers. It was true then, and it’s true today.

So, what about the people who insist they should control this decision for others? The New Testament has severe words for them:

The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron. They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. (1 Timothy 4:1–3, NIV, emphasis added)

The Holy Spirit foretells that certain false teachers will abandon the faith. They follow deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons. They are hypocrites and liars. Their consciences are cauterized. You can tell these demonically deceived apostate hypocritical liars because they… forbid people to marry.

Yes, it really says that.

Notice the verbs “forbid” and “order.” These hypocritical apostate false teachers are setting themselves up as authorities over people. They order them around and decide what they can and can’t do. You see it in cults and high-control groups where the leaders insist on control over members’ marriages or force everyone to be celibate. You see it in patriocentric families where parents insist on control over their adult sons’ and daughters’ marriage.

The issue isn’t marriage or celibacy. It’s abuse of authority. It’s taking away the freedom we have in Christ.

They forbid people to marry.

It’s wrong. It’s sinful. It’s evil. It’s perverse. It’s apostate. It’s demonic.

That anybody presumes to set up as a “biblical” doctrine the idea that they have authority to control somebody else’s marriage—what God created to be pure and joyous and freeing and loving and a cause for thanksgiving—is nothing less than heresy and blasphemy. You cannot believe that doctrine and believe the words of Scripture. You cannot practice that doctrine and still have a clear conscience before God. You cannot follow that doctrine and follow the leading of the Spirit. You cannot trust that doctrine and still have faith in Christ. If you believe otherwise, repent.

Following Jesus is about living in freedom.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Corinthians 3:17, NIV)

Sure, for parents, freedom can invoke the fear of the unknown—what will happen to my children if I don’t control them? What if they want to marry some serial murderer?—but that’s where faith comes in. You train up your children in the way they should go, and the way they should go is walking in freedom after Christ on their own, living in wisdom and liberty and self-control.

But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. (1 Timothy 1:5, NASB)

Sure, for young people, freedom can be daunting—what if I never meet anyone? How do I know he’s the one? What if God wants me to be single?—but again, it’s a chance to strengthen your faith. You wouldn’t need faith if everything was easy; you wouldn’t need God’s guidance if everything was clear. You learn it by doing it, and you get it by asking for it:

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5, NASB)

That goes for parents and children and adults and everyone else. Follow Jesus, love your neighbors, have faith in God who will guide you and give you wisdom. That’s the truth, and that will set you free. You are free in Christ. You are free indeed.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

—Jesus (Luke 4:18-19, NIV)

Some Further Reading:

- Daughters-in-Waiting: Adult Daughters at Home—Hillary’s deep wisdom for dealing with life in an authoritarian situation.

- The Over-Controlled Adult Child—Ibid.

- Zelophehad's Daughters—Cynthia Kunsman gives a run-down of an Old Testament account that shows how “biblical patriarchy” isn’t all that biblical.

- Betrothal: God's Best for You?—Pastor James Thorpe argues passionately that the system of betrothal combined with bounded choice amounts to forced marriage, which isn't just contrary to God's will, it's a human rights violation.

- Betrothal and the Work of the Flesh—SisterLisa describes her experience helping her teenage daughter make wise decisions about relationships while rejecting the false teachings of betrothal taught by her former cult. (A response to this post.)

- The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage—A fascinating exploration of how Hebrew interpreters have understood the OT passages about marriage, courtship, and betrothal. If you think it looks anything at all like the modern “biblical patriarchy” movement, you’re in for some big surprises. From “Under Much Grace.”

- The Joke Was On Me—Lewis Wells’ gut-wrenching first-person account of what courting a P/QF betrothal-indoctrinated woman really looks like in practice. (Not pretty.)

- Godly Authority: A Flighty to Topsyturvydom—In which Jesus says that having authority is about refusing to exercise authority.

- How God Guides—R. A. Torrey provides a marvelously useful biblical theology of God’s guidance and how to get it. (I once recommended a certain young lady read this, and now we’re married, so there you go.)

Eric M. Pazdziora writes words and music. The music includes a brand-new album of hymns about grace entitled "New Creation," featuring his wife Carrie on vocals. To hear the music or to read more writings, visit his website at www.ericpazdziora.com.

The “Joy” and Power of Guilt

2011-04-26T06:00:00.002-05:00

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

by Kiery King

Humble and proud.

Guilty and righteous.

Loving and judging.

They sound like opposites, don’t they? Maybe that is because they are. However, during my time with the organization, they often were so mixed that I was a bit confused as to their meaning.

It was totally unacceptable to be proud, of course. So we would do various things to make sure we stayed humble. Sometimes this meant doing things to humble ourselves (menial chores, obeying an authority when we didn’t want to, or asking forgiveness even if we weren’t really wrong). Sometimes it meant inwardly berating ourselves for our weaknesses and sins. Sometimes it meant letting someone else berate …er… encourage us. On the other hand, it could mean flaunting our humility - sharing a story in such a way that everyone listening could see how humbly we had behaved. But of course, we could never actually claim to be humble either, because that would be pride.

Did it matter whether we really were humble in heart? Well, no, not really. Supposedly it did, but what really mattered was that we looked humble to those around us, especially our authorities. This could lead to two extremes, and they could both be true at the same time: self-loathing and/or secret pride in our “humility.”

We also knew that we were supposed to be righteous. That meant doing all the right things and being sure to follow all the rules – written or unwritten. There were a lot of unwritten rules. Our “righteousness” was judged by outward things: clothing, hair style, what emotions we let be seen, how hard we worked (genuine productivity might or might not be included in that), how faithfully we attended meetings and nodded at the right points, etc.

Failing in any of these areas, we would feel guilt. If we didn’t feel it on our own, we would be sure to feel guilty and ashamed after being rebuked. Sometimes this rebuke would come from people around us, sometimes through a sermon or a talk by some authority figure, or from something we read in Scripture. Often the Scripture we read would not really be condemning us, but because various words had been given different or extended meanings (programming), we often took it that way. For example, we might read about Abraham letting Lot have first choice of the land. Rather than rejoice that Abraham had been so giving towards Lot, we would feel guilty because we had disagreed with someone the day before. False guilt, yes, but we didn’t know that.

This weird relationship between righteousness and guilt led to something that I still have great difficulty describing. But we actually came to look forward to and delight in times of heavy guilt. It felt to us like we were making progress spiritually if we were being “convicted” (i.e. condemned and shamed). We could then “repent” and ask forgiveness of whoever we had wronged and be considered to be at a higher spiritual level afterwards. The shame would be accompanied by an adrenaline rush and then a peace after things were resolved. If we weren’t regularly being “convicted” about things, then how could we prove our humility in listening to the Lord?

Most of the time it was considered shameful to have problems. But in situations like I described above, there was actually a glory or an honor in having a problem and “resolving” it. This was especially true if, in the process, we became committed to a “higher standard.”

All these high standards, of course, eventually led to us looking down on those who didn’t or wouldn’t live up to our standards of outward conduct. We didn’t call this judging, though. We called it “discernment.” We could discern (in “love”) that other people had problems that we could help them with. All we had to do was convince them to do things the way we did. If we could just get them to conform, that would really prove our higher spiritual status.

What a mess!!! If you are thinking that this resembles the Pharisees, you are correct. I definitely was a pharisee. I was sure that I was part of a very special group who would get very special blessings because of the very special commitment we had to following God’s ways.

I remember so clearly the first time I read Romans 14. I was in the middle of a situation where I was trying to get others to conform to my convictions. I read it, blinked, and re-read it. Paused, took a deep breath, and read it again. I thought sure God had it all wrong.

“Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One person has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only. The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” Romans 14:1-4 NASB

Wait. God is calling the brother with higher standards the weaker brother?!?!? I was taught that the one with the higher standards was the stronger brother. I was stunned, incredulous, disbelieving. It couldn’t be. But God had said it. And God said I wasn’t to judge others. God was going to make sure the weaker…er…*cough* stronger brothers would stand as well as the others? Well, ok, maybe.

I memorized that chapter, thought about it a lot, and struggled to believe it. At the time, I was not able to shift my belief totally, but the concept that God doesn’t want us demanding that others live up to our expectations became a seed deep in my heart. It lay dormant for many a year, but did bear fruit eventually.

Now, I understand that humility is not something that earns me anything. It comes as a result of seeing how much God loves me even when I totally mess things up. Righteousness comes from Jesus. I have none of my own. But He lives in me and does right through me. My job is to listen to Him, not to make rules for myself. Love is my only rule. Judging right from wrong is now based on what is loving, not on superficial things like appearance.

“But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Matthew 9:13 NASB

God desires compassion. Not the sacrifice of higher standards, more commitment, or greater works. Compassion. Love God. Love people.

_____

Mind Renewal

2011-04-25T07:41:00.003-05:00

“In their zeal for producing godly offspring, many well-meaning parents insert themselves in their adult children’s lives in ways that are deeply inappropriate and hinder them from growth and maturity. Addressing the effects of this does not mean they are inherently bad parents or that we aren’t loving or loved. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. Healing from over-control and surrendering to the transformation of the Holy Spirit in our lives is crucial to our growth —because it is when we walk in the Spirit that we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. Our parents (or pastors, husband, and friends for that matter) cannot walk in the Spirit for us.” —The Over-Controlled Adult Child

In this perverse world, it's important for kids to understand their personal boundaries. "It's not okay for someone to touch you there," a parent might say. Teaching a child how to keep her body safe involves understanding what is off-limits to others. "This part belongs to just you," she learns. "It's private and no one else is allowed to look at you there. If someone asks or tries to touch you, you scream as loud as you can and run away."

Owning and protecting those private places are essential for healthy personhood. Violations are horrific, often causing lifelong pain, injury, and trauma to the body and the heart—as well as legal repercussions for offenders. But we have other areas that need owning and protecting, too. Other parts of us just as private and personal. We can choose, at appropriate times and for legitimate reasons, to allow ourselves to be influenced by safe people, but self-control is important enough to God to be included in Scripture along with love and faith, the fruit of walking in the Spirit. Therefore it should be important to us.

Stewardship

As we adjust to adulthood we should already have a healthy understanding of self-responsibility (which includes our cognizant reliance on God). However if we do not transition, through loving guidance, into a proper, functioning self-control in our early adult years, it can become increasingly difficult over time. With an upbringing steeped in authoritarianism, this can be especially hard ~ but not impossible. Recognizing this and taking responsibility now will make all the difference for the future.

Over-control, or when those in our lives take over the areas God gives us as our responsibility (or when we do this to others) is serious. Norm Wakefield illustrates from a spiritual perspective why this is dangerous:

Until Marty has a relationship with Jesus, his parents must teach, train, and demand honor and obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). However, once the Holy Spirit indwells him, Marty should be taught to walk by the Spirit in relationship with the heavenly Father. As Jesus told his disciples, "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven" (Matt. 23:9). As a son starts to walk by the Spirit, an earthly father should encourage his son's decision-making and guidance to come from a personal relationship with the heavenly Father, not himself. To the degree that the father makes the decisions and dictates the lifestyle of his believing son, to that degree he hinders his son's spiritual life. A father's role should decrease just as John the Baptist's role decreased when Jesus appeared (John 3:30). —The Curse of the Standard Bearers

As His creation, we belong to God and yet He gives us stewardship over our own hearts, our bodies, our souls and our minds. These things belong to us. We alone answer for them on Judgment Day. What we answer for, especially where our soul and matters of eternity are concerned, is in our jurisdiction and should not be taken away from us. It's critical to be self-controlled, and when others seek inappropriate degrees of control they hinder the work of the Spirit in our life.

It's no wonder that Jesus calls us to love God with all we've got, with every fiber of our being. “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength...” When the ability to do these things of our own volition is taken from us, we must make right this aspect of our lives in order to be whole.

The answer to over-control is found in Romans 12.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. (v.1)

"You" present yourself. Your parents, pastor, husband, and friends cannot appropriately present your body as a living sacrifice. How this looks will be different for everyone, which makes it crucial to hear God's voice and will for your life.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (v. 2)

Being conformed means to be squeezed from the outside—which is undue influence or control, whether we allow it, or whether it is projected onto us. Transformation, however, comes from within and is a direct result of walking in the Spirit. Look again at verse 2:

And [you] do not be conformed to this world, but [you] be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

When we are filled with the Spirit and walk in Him, He is the One who renews our minds for the purpose of living in obedience and proving the perfect will of God. Yet when we are hindered by others who insist that we follow their will, or their ideas of what is good and acceptable and perfect, we won't be able to prove God's.

We cannot serve two masters.

The pivotal point in that verse is the renewing of our mind. Only you with the Holy Spirit can renew your mind. God doesn't force Himself on us. For us to be free from the effects of an authoritarian life, healing from mind-control is crucial ~ for where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

adapted from a post in the archives

The Fifth Mile

2011-04-19T06:00:00.010-05:00

Continued from here, featuring guest contributor Elizabeth Cook.

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

e are probably all familiar with the “second mile” principle. Jesus, referring to the law that a Roman soldier could require a Jewish man to carry his heavy backpack one mile in any direction, said, “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.” Matthew 5:41 The Jews had no choice but to obey it or face the wrath of the Roman government. If the soldier wanted a rest, the civilian had to carry that pack. And I doubt that all the soldiers were considerate of the direction the civilian was headed or of the load he was carrying for himself.

image source

I’m sure we have all heard explanations of why Jesus said this. The one I’m most familiar with is that when we are forced to do something we don’t like, we can change our attitude about it by doing more than is required. And we might even get a chance to witness to the “soldier” in the process because he will be so shocked at our choosing to help longer than we have to.

However, what often happened in my experience was that the “second mile” became commonplace. As someone told me, “The second mile is totally expected. We have to go the third, fourth, or even fifth mile” to get approval. As I thought about that, I realized it was true. No longer were we appreciated for doing normal chores. We had to give up our free time to do extra chores. No longer was a met deadline good enough. We now had to meet the deadline even though the necessary materials were delivered late. No longer were we praised for finishing the job. We were expected to finish it in shorter and shorter amounts of time.

When it becomes commonplace to work late, to cut sleep short, to arrive early, to look like a model every day, to work without pay, to be enthusiastic over every new idea, to have no free time, could it be that something is not quite right?

I was taught this “second mile” principle. (Actually, at some point, it was changed to going the “extra mile.” I think the logic was that sometimes there are more than two miles to go, but I don’t remember for sure.) I also taught the “extra mile” principle; it was one of the “keys to obedience” that we taught the children. I am no longer sure why. I don’t know what “children obey your parents” has in common with an unjust law requiring servitude.

The second mile, by definition, must be a choice. It can never be expected or forced or presumed. Otherwise, it becomes a ridiculously long first “mile.” And I believe God has something to say about changing weights and measures for our own gain.

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful environment if everyone was genuinely appreciative of everything that was done for them? Maybe even appreciative of the first mile, but especially of the second mile? I have been in environments like that. I’ll admit; I sure enjoyed them more.

Something that I was shocked to learn is that not every choice is a genuine choice. I thought I was making the choice to go the extra mile. And sometimes I was. But when the extra mile becomes expected, the choice starts to have some unusual consequences. When the choice is choosing the extra mile or being branded a rebel, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or facing disapproval or shunning, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or being threatened, is that really a choice? When the choice is going the extra mile or losing your job, is that really a choice? If your choices are a) yes, b) yes, or c) yes - is that really a choice? No, it is called bounded choice. You only have choice within the boundaries set by the one in control.

Here’s an example. We were told that we could choose what kind of smile we wanted to wear. 1. A joyful smile – smile because we were happy. 2. An obedient smile – smile because we had been told to. 3. A ministry smile – smile because it would help others feel better. But not smiling was not an option. If we were having a down day, we were not permitted to show it.

By definition, a choice is not a choice if all options are the same thing. Neither is it a genuine choice if you are given two seemingly equal options, but you know without being told that one of the options comes with major negative consequences.

It was amazing to me that when I was given genuine choices, I wanted to go the extra mile, even when it was in no way expected! When I was no longer exhausted from trying to keep up with “fifth mile” expectations, I actually had the energy to do special things for others and enjoy doing them. And when I stopped expecting the “fifth mile” from others, I was able to be grateful to them when they were willing to help in any way. It made the relationships in my life much more harmonious. Loving people for who they are rather than what they do is definitely more fulfilling!

___

The First Step . . . Down

2011-04-12T06:00:00.004-05:00

... continued from here.

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

I was so excited! I was old enough to go to the seminar that had changed my parents’ lives! I was a tad bit nervous too; after all, I was a young teenager and this was a big event with hundreds of people attending. I would be expected to act like an adult. But it sounded like a lot of fun as well.

Wide-eyed, I went with my dad through the line to get my workbook. Then we settled into our seats and listened. To me, the material was all brand new. I listened with all of my being, trying to absorb it all (which is of course impossible to do the first time around). I scribbled furiously, trying to keep up with all the notes. When I got behind, my parents let me look at their books so I could catch up. During the break, my parents and others assured me that with this new workbook, taking the notes was easy; a lot was already filled in for us. Back in “the old days” there was no notebook, only paper.

As I listened throughout the week to all that was shared, I began to see one big theme, although I could not have put it into words at the time. If you want good things in life, then you need to do the right things. If you do wrong things, you will have trouble. Yes, that is a very simplified version, but that was the basic message. I certainly didn’t want all the bad things that were described, so I decided to do all the good things that had been talked about. Then my life would be good. And if undeserved bad things did happen to me, then they would somehow turn out to be really good. Isn’t that what God had promised in all the Scriptures that were quoted?

I was a “good girl.” I didn’t like conflict. I was generally very compliant and good-natured. Just before attending this first seminar, I had been beginning to think that I should start making more of my own decisions. After all, I was growing up, wasn’t I? I was starting to long for more freedom and more choices. However, after listening all week to the seminar, I pretty much changed my mind. I definitely needed my parents’ help in making all my choices. I wanted to follow God; I sure didn’t want to be under Satan’s control!

At some point in the week, all those who were attending for the first time were told that we were being prayed for by at least one person who had attended before. I was rather awed at the thought. Someone was actually praying for me during this week? It made me want to be extra sure that I didn’t miss something God wanted to say to me.

In the subsequent years, I attended quite a few seminars. At each one, I learned more. I would go home determined to try harder to live up to all the wonderful things I was learning. I knew I was still failing – a lot. But I was sure that I could make it eventually.

If only I had known. If only I had known that I would never “make it.” If only I had known how damaging trying to be perfect would be to my soul and my relationship with God. If only I had known how much pain that perfectionism would cause me to inflict on others. But I didn’t know. Not for many years. So I kept trying.

I always looked forward to attending various conferences sponsored by the organization. These were not the beginner level stuff that the seminars had. They were for those who had worked hard to implement the things we had learned in the seminars. They were more focused on helping us to be the absolute best so that we would be a light to all those who hadn’t discovered all the wonderful truths that we had.

Conferences were a highlight of the year for me. It was a time to be inspired. A time to meet other people who were similar to me – people who had similar views on what God expected of us. It was a time to wear the uniform and be part of a peer group (the only time that we were allowed to be in a peer group for the most part). It made me feel important to be part of such a large group who were doing great things for God.

Conferences were also exhausting. We would be in sessions all day and evening. There was never quite enough time to sleep or to do much socializing, especially if we had younger children in the family. A few sessions had printed handouts, but often, we just scribbled frantically in our blank notebooks. There really was no time to think or compare notes in detail with others while there. We were always running from one thing to another. But I enjoyed these events immensely! They were a wonderful break from routine.

We heard about what God was doing in various aspects of the organization. It was exciting! Lives were being changed. Problems were being solved. New opportunities in new cities or countries were announced and prayed for. New teachings promised ever more righteousness which would result in more happiness.

Each year, there was a new theme at the conferences. It was the organization’s theme for the year. For years, I felt like I had to keep up with and work on whatever the new theme was. Often, I didn’t feel like I had mastered the last year’s theme yet…or the year before that. There was the mounting pressure of needing to work on multiple things at once. After many years of this, it finally occurred to me that perhaps God’s focus for me in any particular year might be different than the organization’s theme. Perhaps God wanted me to continue thinking about the previous year’s theme. Or (this was really hard to believe), perhaps God had a totally different theme for me. Something not even close to the organization’s theme.

Many years later, I learned that I didn’t have to keep trying harder and harder to do everything right in order to please God. Jesus had already done that for me. There is no way I could ever do enough to please God. But Jesus perfectly pleased His Father. God doesn’t look at my pitiful version of “righteousness” anymore. God now looks at Jesus’ righteousness when He looks at me. And I accept that with a heart full of gratefulness.

I no longer try to be perfect. Instead, I focus on how much Jesus loves me unconditionally. If I’m looking at His smiling face, it is pretty hard to be grumpy with other people. Instead of a multitude of rules covering all areas of life, I now have just two. Love God. Love people. Yes, they are actually much harder to keep than the longer list of outward performance. But they are so much better. Instead of trying to control myself and others, I can just love. I don’t have to get results; I can just love. The change from trying to trusting was not quick. Neither is it complete yet. But God has promised that He will complete the work He has begun in me.

___

Puzzlement : Introduction

2011-04-05T06:00:00.055-05:00

Hillary's note: Starting today, the next several Tuesdays will feature a guest contributor, Eliza, sharing her experience with a conservative organization prominent within the homeschooling subculture. You may remember Eliza from this article by Sarah Posner.

Puzzlement

by Elizabeth Wyse Cook

was bewildered. A friend of mine, whom I highly respected, was being “sent home”.
(Fired.)
I was hurt. I was upset. I just couldn’t understand it. How could this be happening? It sure wasn’t what I expected. He worked for a Christian organization that promoted godly living in all areas of life. He had faithfully performed his duties. He cared for his co-workers. He cared for the people he served. He worked hard. He lived above reproach. He was loved by those who interacted with him. Now he was leaving, and not by his choice.

What was his crime? Had he failed secretly? Had he neglected a critical duty? Had he done something inappropriate? No. None of those.

He had disagreed with the leader.

Not even really disagreed, just refused to say that he agreed 100% with the leader. He agreed about 95%, but that wasn’t good enough.

After seeing how my friend was treated, I seriously thought about leaving the organization but he urged me not to. He said that God was using this event in his life, and that I was still needed there. I watched him in the days following his dismissal. I saw how he handled such a painful rejection. I saw something in him that I wanted - something I couldn’t define. Something that assured me that God was indeed very close to him. He had a relationship with God that I had occasionally seen before, but had no idea how to get.

     So I stayed.
     I stayed long enough to see more of the same type of thing happen.
     I stayed long enough to see the leader for who he was. A leader that I once respected so highly that I believed everything he said. He was a leader who was easy to respect. He talked about having high ideals. About not giving in to weakness and sin. The stories he told were impressive; how people had found answers to life’s problems through following his advice. It all looked fairly simple. He made things seem so clear. He really cared about people, listened to them, and sent them away with changed lives. At least, that is what he said.

When things didn’t turn out so well, he would wait until he figured out what went wrong and how to fix it. Then he would share the story. Until then, knowing the unsolved problems wouldn’t help us, so he wouldn’t bother telling us. He only wanted to share things that would be beneficial to us, not things that would discourage us.

I wanted so much to be a part of the wonderful things that were going on. I wanted to be able to help other people the way he did. Who wouldn’t want to help people solve their problems and live a successful life? I hated seeing people struggle with hard things in life when the answers appeared to be so simple to implement. Not easy to implement, my friends and I told each other, but definitely simple.

However, getting to work in the organization didn’t happen when I first wanted it to. Since working there happened pretty much by invitation only, I thought at first that I just wasn’t good enough yet. God must have things He still wanted me to learn at home. I was taught that if I couldn’t get along with members of my family, then I wouldn’t be able to get along with anyone else either. So I focused on trying to get along with those around me. But I did it in a non-relational way. I hadn’t yet learned that when you are trying to be perfect, you can’t relate to other people. That would come later – a long time later.

When I finally did begin to work in the organization, things didn’t wind up being how I expected. The leader tended to get really big ideas and expect everyone to put all their energy into those ideas until he got the next big idea. It was hard to do my job (which I loved) while keeping up with all the new ideas.

Another discovery was that if you were trusted, you could get away with almost anything. But if there was any suspicion about your character, you wouldn’t be able to get away with anything. Every detail of your life would be subject to scrutiny until you repented sufficiently to be trusted again or until you were sent home.

I did learn some good things while in the organization. I learned how to serve people and not despise menial jobs. I learned a lot of practical skills that I still use today. I learned to be less shy. And I also learned that rules are not the answer to all of life’s problems.

I’d like to tell the story of how I became involved with this organization, how I left, and how God isn’t who I thought He was. Actually, He is so much better. So much bigger. And, yes, so much harder to understand.

___

The Alluring God

2011-04-01T11:14:00.006-05:00

... because sometimes we ~ I ~ need reminding ...

by Hillary McFarland

he Word speaks: Let there be light.
The earth crowns, the will of God who says let there be life, and we crown into light.
Fresh and new and shy, our baby hands clutch mama-skirts to hide when others look at us. But soon we run, we run around like wild things who worry not what others think; we climb trees while hair frizzes a golden halo and our cheeks blush like apples and our toes peek through sneakers. But we don't mind because we are six or nine and we sing at the top of our lungs that the hills are alive with the sound of music, and they are ...

Years collect like memories, like photographs; we grow fifteen and shy while hills grow quiet. Hearts blush like maples in fall, but every hair is in place and hands smooth our own skirts and we hide behind trees instead of perching in them.
We grow old in soul. Melody is memory as feet shuffle dust and we strain to hear and see the One who spoke the dark :: light, who breathed into lungs the light of life. We are tired and hungry; we ache, and our face is etched with the fine tip of years. Our heart is carved up and arms are weary and why do we even try?

Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

Will bring her into the wilderness,

And speak comfort to her.

I will give her her vineyards from there,

And the Valley of Achor as a door of hope;

She shall sing there,

As in the days of her youth,

As in the day when she came up

From the land of Egypt.

Hosea 2:14-15

Do not be afraid of the barren place, of the wilderness, for God spills holy into ground and brings His light to dark, His life to dead, and living water to the waterless. He breaks Egypt's arms and yokes us with His grace; He builds His temple from abandoned ruins and dwells there, with the lowly of us and the weak, the foolish, the base, and the despised. The forsaken He gathers close and He makes dry bones dance and turns desert to wine and collects tears in crystal and He loves you!

image source: www.sxc.hu

You see the back of her
Because she faces Jesus.

You see her while she walks away
Because she follows Jesus.

You see her on a lonely road
Because few find
The narrow way that leads to life.

You see her, perhaps, half-dead

Because she is in the business
Of dying everyday.

You see her forsaken

Because she has left all

to follow Him.

You see her struggle along the way

Because she takes up her cross.

You see her lost

Because she loses her life

To be found by Life.

You see her in a wilderness
Because that’s where God

Plants vineyards.

(hosea 2)

Oh beloved, this is the place where trees clap hands like joyful little children! Where the hills are alive with the sound of music and He makes our feet like the feet of a deer and sets us on high places because we love Him because He loves us and behold, old things have passed away and all things have become newly birthed ...

... from the womb of mercy.

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The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God. I am His handmaiden and my heart is to serve Him and His beloved daughters, as He leads. Would you like a scholarship to this conference? Please visit this post at A Holy Experience to discover an opportunity for you to serve our Father in this way. I just discovered this last night so many apologies at the last minute posting. And many thanks to Ann Voskamp for making this opportunity available.
Humble thanks to the God who woos me to the desert ~ may it be to me according to Your word.
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This post is an updated offering from the archives.

Who is Your God?

2011-03-28T11:03:00.005-05:00

by Hillary McFarland

“I'm okay with Jesus.
It's God I'm not too sure about.”

or many daughters of patriarchy, God is an imposing figure. Why wouldn't He be? His name is the one attached to doctrines of men. He is the why behind many destructive religious lifestyle choices. From the earliest crusades unto today's authoritarian Christian family, some form of God's name, character, or command is mis-used and misapplied with devastating results.

In the hands of a sinner, God is a dangerous weapon.

My will be done?

Of course, we are all sinners with the capacity to use God's name in vain to serve ourselves. For the one, however, who grew up literally threatened with God, experiencing Him as a tool of manipulation and control, of behavior modification, force, and cruelty, God is a destructive force who breaks hearts, crushes life from the spirit, and leaves us without hope.

The adage is true: actions speak louder than words.

Despite lifelong biblical messages of God's love and salvation and grace, the imprint left on hearts by God-in-the-everyday becomes what is true. It becomes what is lived, believed, and known. It shapes our theology and our faith.

The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. (John 10:10a)

God becomes the enemy.

But what about ...

Yes, God is a holy God. Holiness cannot look upon the unholy; otherwise, it is no longer pure. This requires a set-apartness which drives many well-meaning Christian families to often seek unworldliness through a type of lifestyle or external behavior. To become a peculiar people. What makes someone peculiar? What would you say, or your family say? Is it to be different?

For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world; looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ; Who gave himself for us, that he might redeem us from all iniquity, and purify unto himself a peculiar people, zealous of good works. (Tit. 2:11-14, KJV)

Do we redeem ourselves?

Do we purify ourselves?

Can we make ourselves holy?

On the contrary, our Holy God came in flesh and took on our unholiness so that we might take on His life. He redeems us ~ so lived redeemed! He reconciled us ~ so lived reconciled! He sets us apart and makes us holy ~ so be holy! When we seek holiness anywhere other than resting in the finished work of Christ, we are, as Lewis Wells states so fittingly, stitching up the veil.

Worse, we testify by our lives that Christ died in vain.

So who is your God?

Chad Holtz, a pastor recently removed from his church due to doctrinal differences, writes:

“We become what we worship. A God who demands sacrifice to be appeased is going to form a sacrificing people. A God who is angry and vindictive is going to form angry and vindictive people. A God who divides and conquers is going to form divisive, competitive people.” http://chadholtz.net/2011/03/28/losing-a-job-is-worth-this/

Jesus says: I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10b) Paul reminds us that ...the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. (2 Cor. 3:17) King David writes,

With the merciful You will show Yourself merciful;
With a blameless man You will show Yourself blameless;
With the pure You will show Yourself pure;
And with the devious You will show Yourself shrewd.

Jesus tells us that He has come to set at liberty those who are oppressed, heal the broken-hearted, give sight to the blind, proclaim liberty to the captive ~ you are free! So live free! ~ and to preach the gospel, the good news to those in need of good news.

Holtz asks with poignancy,

How beautiful are your feet to the people who hear the news you bring?

To your children? To your husband? To your wife? To your neighbor? I humbly suggest that:

your good news will reflect your God.

The portrait of God

If there is destruction, heartache, hopelessness, and despair in your midst, look to the source. The enemy destroys. Jesus came to bring life, liberty, healing, grace and truth. Is His spirit at work in your heart and home?

John 14:7-9a

“If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also; and from now on you know Him and have seen Him.” Philip said to Him, “Lord, show us the Father, and it is sufficient for us.” Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father ... ”

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Recommended reading: Equally Loved Leads to Humility by Sisterlisa