Quotes of the Week

Friday, July 20, 2012

2012-07-20T09:46:00.001-07:00

"My iPhone thinks if I typed 'Yeesh,' I really meant Tereshkova."

"Let's get all dressed up and reenact our favorite mistakes!"

"Today was pretty awesome until a toddler's diaper exploded. Thank god we had a custodian on duty, because I had no idea what to do with that much doody."

"There are pop cycles in the freezer for everyone."

"I lived in an apartment near Forest Lake. I always thought the gunshots gave Tuscaloosa a sort of inner-city charm."

"Dang we are going to get tanked Saturday night! I will provide one half full bottle of Zima. That'll get us going. We can pass it around, sing sailor songs, and say stuff like, 'You're the best friend a guy can have!'"

"When I get my hysterectomy I'm going to send her my uterus. Great gag gift!"

Exchanges:

A: "Today, an over-tan, makeupped, uppity, whorewife with stale beer breath asked me for 'Twenty-five Shades of Grey by Rosie O'Donnell.' I didn't even play kind with her, I just put my hand on my hip and shook my head."
B: "That seriously happened? Of course it did, what am I thinking? Dave had a customer who referred to pepperoni as 'red circle meat.'"

A: "Let me bite your elbow!"
B: "A weanus is not comfort food!"
A: "Stop arguing!"

A: "I have a positive attitude and and I can bring some whiskey."
B: "Travis does bring a pretty nice positive attitude! His smile is at least 80 watts."
A: "Could be brighter. The yellow on my teeth lights up a room like a 1970's office without windows."

Friday, June 15, 2012

2012-06-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

Today's Quotes of the Week are brought to you by a rapid-fire email thread between 7 lady friends.

"I'm at work. Not wearing a bra. Someone needs to know this."

"I'm working on my couch with no bra. Twinsies!"

"I'm working out, wearing two bras."

"What is this 'working out' she speaks of?"

"Well, with my version it's bringing a glass of wine up to my lips and then back down slowly. I usually go braless for that."

"I have to get in shape! I'm getting large."

"I thought I was Kim Kardashian when my ass flashed by the mirror this morning."

"I've never worn a bra before. Although I think I'm going to have to start because my right nipple is starting to actually resemble a nipple."

"YOU'VE NEVER WORN A BRA! Eff you!"

"I look like a 4yr old naked. You're welcome."

"1) I sometimes don't wear a bra even though I have no business not doing so. 2) I've been stress eating like crazy. My ass is beginning to resemble a monster truck. 3) I love this thread."

"Does it have headlights and Roar? If so I cannot wait to touch it!"

"It definitely has treads and a spoiler. I just wish I could run over people with it."

"When my nine thousand year old dad met my far too young mom the first thing he told her was 'you have the most beautiful face, but your ass looks like a Mack truck' and then they got married. So asses are in."

"Also, I am eating a salad like a good girl. I can't help that it is sitting on top of a giant mound of rice pilaf."

"Wtf? Now rice pilaf is bad for you? This world is out of control. There is no hope for my truck ass."

Friday, May 18, 2012

2012-05-18T14:16:00.000-07:00

"I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying if you got shot, I'd be the shooter."

"When my psychiatrist says something particularly insightful, I tell her, 'Well, now you can diagnose me as 'clinically IMpressed'!"

"There's a wireless network in our building named 'Pretty Fly for a Wi-fi.'"

"These HR meetings sound a lot like Twitter. Everyone is talking about openings and positions they want someone to fill."

"Colonel Mustard did it. In the library. With a candlestick. Pervert. I hope he calls me."

"I believe marriage should remain as God intended: a sacred bond between a man and a woman, formed over a few weeks, through an elimination contest, on national television. Between white people."

"True story: my parents went to a party where the theme was to come dressed in poor taste. My mom trashed herself up, but my dad refused to get in the spirit of things, so just wore his normal clothes. He won second place."

"Chickens love cherries."

"Perfume commercials are a comforting reminder that the world makes no sense."

"I literally turn into a 20-ft cyborg narwhal with flame-thrower testicles every time someone says they literally did something."

"I don't have standards. I have sittards."

Exchanges:

A: "My worst nightmare is being punched in the face."
B: "That's a stupid thing to be afraid of when you're an asshole."

A: "Ick! What is this music we're listening to??"
B: "It's the Foo Fighters!"
A: "Gross. It sounds like Dave Matthews."
B: "No it does not! No matter what music you don't like, you always say it sounds like Dave Matthews."
A: "This is true, yes."

A: "If you get cremated, I might keep a little piece of you around my neck."
B: "Like my pelvis?"

Friday, May 11, 2012

2012-05-11T11:05:00.002-07:00

"Isn't Pokemon pretty much just kid-friendly cockfighting?"

Facebook status: "Mandatory gay marriage."

"Hey guys, I know the bible got slavery wrong, but I think everything else it has to say must be right." - billions of people for some reason

"Why, god? Why? There are some strange birds in this world and they all have library cards."

"Way to go, North Carolina. The Internet tells me you're the 30th state to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage. The Internet also tells me that your state motto is 'To be, rather than to seem.' Good job being unexceptional rather than just seeming that way."

"I think Veggie Tales might be having the opposite effect intended. Mollie now thinks tomatoes are God."

"The super moon was all up in my windows last night."

"A baby who can hold his own bottle means parents who can play Angry Birds."

"Enough banter sexy be-itches. Kik me the fisting footage as agreed in our contract. This is a DM right?"

"If someone beeps at you because the traffic light just turned green, you can bet that motherfucker is not on Twitter."

"Since months of trashy Netflix has prepared you for this moment, maybe you will find a tiara at the bottom!"

"Thank goodness we solved that whole financial crisis unemployment recession thing and can now focus on important things like stopping love."

Exchange:

A: "Left my windows down when I was parked out back to unload and naturally my boxing gloves were stolen in that ten minute period."
B: "Maybe the boxing gloves thief will get ringworm!"
A: "My hands do not have ringworm. I think my foot is just a scar actually. Will ask my eye doctor to confirm that next week."

Friday, May 4, 2012

2012-05-04T09:28:00.000-07:00

This installment of Quotes by the lovely Andrea Delcore could be dubbed "Quotes of My Life." Andrea is a quirky little thing with a giant heart and a great sense of humor. Show her you love her!

Part I: Life at Home

[very late at night]
Me: "I think as long as I can make my own decisions, I don't care if someone wants to marry someone of the same sex or have multiple wives."
Hank: "What if I wanted to take a second spouse...and it was the toaster?"
Me: "I guess I would want to know your reasons."
Hank: "Would you want to get to know the toaster?"
Me: "I DO know the toaster. That's what makes it weird."

Hank just told our dog, Carla: "You are being both bad and gross. I don't know which one I am punishing you for. We do not fight over Jax's puke."

Hank just coined the phrase, "special kind of a--hole."

"I'm thankful that we didn't know Max licked our wedding cake. Until now."

Mom: "You've been saying that for years...you got that from F Troop? I thought you made that up."
Dad: "Dear, I've never had an original thought in my life."

"What does it say about bath time at our house that I found an empty beer bottle among the bath toys after it was over?"

Hank: "Pubic hair? That's what it is. What else do you want me to call it? Pubes?"

Hank [to toddler]: "Henry, do you want to say the prayer tonight?" Henry: "Yes."
Hank: "What do you want to tell God that you're grateful for?"
Henry: "Cheese."
Hank: "Thank you, God, for cheese."
Follow up comments: "Thank you, cheeses" and "Blessed are the cheesemakers."

Part II: Overheard at the Office

Student: "Have I reached my agulated loan limits?"
Me: "No, but unfortunately you HAVE reached your aggregates."

"The person you are trying to reach is not accepting calls right now. I love that. I'm changing my voicemail to that."

Just got a meeting request. Subject: "I have lemon bites at my desk." Accept!

"Did he just say liberry?!?"

A: "How much would you spend on a pot?"
B: "What kind of pot?"
A: "Cooking pot."
B: "Oh, that kind of pot."

Me: "Oh my gosh. Samich is NOT a word. I'll never last in this place."
[later] "Samich Lady just called a student Mini Van. She thinks that's his name."
[even later] "She may say samich, but she sure makes good tamales."

One of my students changed her name and said, "I am not mentally ill, I am NOT!" Then she threatened me. Sure, you're not.

Just heard my boss say, "My boob denied your request."

Part III: Social Media

"I know there's a God...bacon is proof!!"

"The 1950's called. They want their oppressive gender roles back."

She said, "Although those are in high demand, they aren't sold out... But the shipping costs are a bitch," (after I asked if what she almost bought me was a hawt Brit).

"Eggo cereal with maple syrup flavoring, you are like scented crack...You don't satisfy my tummy and yet, I cannot say no to you..."

Kindergartner: "When I am 100 years old, I will be an old guy with wrinkly skin. I will wear a new shirt everyday. I will live at Alex's house and we will play video games everyday. We will eat orange chicken made by our robot foodmaker. He says 'Make Food' and kills bad guys. He's a transformer, but that's a secret."

A: "That face says it all."
B: "You mean it says, 'Mischief and mayhem?'"
A: "Yup."

"There was a 'This American Life' episode about a rooster. The guy started loving that rooster, and he wanted to just keep paying the fine. Eventually he had to get rid of it though. It went to live on a farm. Which is where roosters BELONG."

A: "Cleaned my butt off today. Dang. Time for bed."
B: "Nothing better than going to bed with a clean butt. ;)"

Part IV: Any Given Day

"Don't think of it as losing your virginity-think of it as gaining sex."

"This American Life just lost my interest when Ira Glass said Act One was titled Dartmouth Atlas Shrugged."

"I am wondering how string cheese trivia would know that a cat has a higher IQ than monkeys, chimps, and humans. And I'm suspicious." [later] "Re-read string cheese trivia. Maybe a cat is smarter than me. The cat's IQ is SURPASSED only by monkeys, chimps, and humans."

"He was an atheist or a Hindu or something."

"I am boycotting Popeyes on McKinley for being out of Hi-C, only taking cash, and being as rude as I was about it."

"Why do you have to re-push the elevator button? I already pushed it. You can see it's lit up. Keep your hands to yourself."

"Affirmative action: How thousands of white tomato pickers lost their jobs to illegal immigrants."

"I want to know why a Constitution class can't stick to THE CONSTITUTION. You bunch of conservatives. My instructor said, and I quote, 'Sex education has done nothing but teach kids how to have sex.' What sex education class was he in?! And later, he started off an online post with, 'I got this email and I don't know if it's true or not, but...'"

My favorite comment from the Lowell Community charette: "too many hoes in the alleys."

"I can't remember why I hate him, Megan, but I know I do so I just go with it."

My gynecologist asked me if deep penetration was painful. When I said no, he said, "Goooood for you!"

Advice from Redbook: "Be careful when placing solid food in your vagina."

Travis: "Hey, Andrea! I am going to miss the Delcores so much. When I first met you and you were with Hank, I was like, "Damn! She is REALLY young." But then I got to know you, and you're cool. And meeting you, and Hank, and Henry and Sammy Baby Jr, I'm going to REALLY miss the Delcores! I can tell you this because I'm not drunk."

Friday, April 27, 2012

2012-04-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

This week's Quotes are brought to you by Lisa L., or Termie as she is known in my little black heart. Tell her what you think!

"I need a lot of information. I need to know how to sue somebody. Can you tell me how to do that? And he's an atheist. Is that going to matter?"

"'I work with HIV/AIDS patients, I'm covered in tattoos, I consider myself alternative in that I really hate conformity and at times will even have a mohawk.' Yup, no conformity there. None whatsoever. Not a butch cliche in her carload."

Mormon Housewife Facebook status: "Totals on the friendship bread: 15 loaves, 3 bundts. And I still have one more batch to go (maybe tomorrow) that will give me another bundt plus 5 loaves (unless someone wants a start, then I'm done)."

"You look really tired. Besides looking tired you look like you took a Xanax. It's okay if you did, I take Ativan. It helps me relax."

"I need lyrics to this certain song. I listen to a lot of stuff in the middle of the night so I don't always catch the artist and I tried to call them but they didn't know so can you help me? It goes like this: 'la la la la la I turn the radio on.'"

"If you remove the tense, wordless moments you are left with ten minutes of tense dialog. #breakingbad"

"I'm not as unconscious as I was nine days ago, but I still am a little bit."

Exchanges:

A: "Just heard that Anthropology is the second worst major for earning money after graduation."
B: "Was poli sci the worse? Cuz it sure feels like it should be...:)"

A: "I don't think I pulled my wet pink panties out of the trunk of [my roommate's] car."
B: "That's not very nice. You and your roommate are close like that?"
[later]
A: "I did all that worrying for nothing!"
B: "Feel better?"
A: "A lot, actually. I would've lost a butch stamp for getting caught with pink panties.
B: "And for calling them panties."

Friday, April 20, 2012

2012-04-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

"[My daughter] has been inducted into the 'chocolate group' at after-school care. A 9-year-old Korean girl is the ringleader. She got a pink personal invite today, complete with a password. I told her I am not supplying her with chocolate on a daily basis for this club."

"I wouldn't let her run a celery farm."

"Nothing will stop my family from burying my great-grandfather's rotting corpse in the Haunted Mansion graveyard at Disney."

"Music Trivia: Korn was originally called Cettle Korn, but changed their name after realizing 'kettle' was spelled incorrectly."

"Money-saving Tip: Don't pay taxes. Then when the IRS comes for you, say 'Taxes? I thought you said TEXAS.' Then go to jail and eat for free."

"Just because it's raining doesn't mean the library opens earlier, fuckface. We should put that on a sign."

"I'm at a vegan buffet. That's what I call drinking fountains."

"Your cat reminds me of Elk City, Oklahoma. I hate him and I can't sleep."

"Goddamnit, I swear. The next person who posts a fucking picture of chicken chow mein or a fucking gourmet motherfucking fuckcake on Instagram--lo-fi, Earlybird, motherfuck!--is going to get a photo of my next bowel movement smeared on their Facebook wall. Fuck!"

"Before leaving your house wearing clothes that are the same color as your skin, please take a moment to remember that some people have eyes."

Exchanges:

A: "He's got a funny body."
B: "Yep, he's shaped like a rotten pear."

A: "You look like you've done pretty well for yourself."
B: "Yes. That sofa is made from Seabiscuit."

Friday, April 13, 2012

2012-04-13T15:05:00.001-07:00

"Today I had a 64-year-old woman tell me she has never pet a kitten. What the fuck is wrong with people?"

"The most we have in common is that he plays football and I hate football."

"Thank you. I'd like to give you all long uncomfortable uncle hugs."

"I am one sneeze away from an urban myth."

"Lent is over! I just watched a Youtube video of a cat opening a freezer!"

"There needs to be a font especially made to convey sarcasm. #sarcastica"

"I almost arranged a booty call the other night with this girl online. We were sexting and all that and I was so close to 'get over here' but she was only 24 and a bad speller."

"Most of my ideas come to me while I'm in the shower. Which is why most of my ideas are waterproof desserts."

"There's a JFK museum in Dallas. It's at the book suppository."

"Turns out you're not allowed to literally drag someone to court. Also turns out food courts aren't recognized by the legal system."

Exchanges:

A: "Haha, I just discovered this video website with tons of funny videos on it. Have you guys heard of this? youtube.com"
B: "No. Tell me more."
A: "You know how your cat does cute things? Well, this is a site where you can record your cat and show other people how cute it is."

A: "Remember her [piece of artwork] that had my teeth in it? I found them in a desk drawer yesterday. When she moved out, she took the art, but left the fucking teeth. Covered in glue, mind you."
B: "Glue tooth! Like a blue tooth but sticky."

Friday, March 30, 2012

2012-03-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

"I prefer a 'thumbs up' icon rather than a heart icon for showing approval online because I'm afraid of commitment."

"The Valley Who final is like that South Park mascot election between a giant douche and a turd sandwich."

"Here's my philosophy: if it works, don't fix it. If it don't work, it ain't worth fixing. So be a man."

"A man calling himself an Urban Shaman is in our office. I have no idea what he's talking about. He's dressed in a cycling outfit with spandex shorts that leave little to the imagination. And he's left his bicycle helmet on the entire time. He just said, 'We do magic in the garden.'"

"The original Iron Bird Cafe went out of business because it was run with a frown."

Exchanges:

Kid: "Can I watch a movie?"
Mom: "No, it's bedtime."
Kid: "Can I watch a little bit of a tv show then?"
Mom: "No, it's bedtime."
Kid: "Fine, then can I just watch one commercial?"
Mom: "NO!"

Friday, March 23, 2012

2012-03-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

"Looking forward to reading a YA book in which the male love interest isn't a total douchebag/pussy/asshat."

"Stucco sounds like the name of a clown who masturbates in front of children."

"I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas."

"English muffins sure throw the word "muffin" around like it's no big deal."

"Jesus CHRIST. I just misread Stephen King's title 'Full Dark, No Stars' as 'Fuck Me Hard.' God, I'm a perv."

"Nice tits have the greatest personality."

"Ah fuck it, I'm going to take a bite of this candle."

Friday, March 16, 2012

2012-03-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

This week's Quotes are brought to you by the lovely Judith: librarianette, garden mama, and doggy doter. Show her some love!

"The poop chute is closing up. For jojo and the other sloth babies a bit of privacy on the poo pole is just a dream."

"They were close enough to exchange sloth moths."

"Move Starling! I have no qualms about putting you in my grill."

"My favorite stories are always about ME."

"You can't yell at me. I'm a guest here."

"You'll be the best barista ever. Or at least the cutest one--work that angle."

"Did you just pull a puzzle piece out of your ass?"

"I need you to trust me...just two thousand dollars worth."

"We could move to New Zealand, but they've already cast The Hobbit."

"That's it, you can't ask anymore questions."

"What do I need to DO? Buy her a PONY?"

"I love when I get my hair cut with a new person and she's all, 'How do you style it?' And I'm all, 'Sometimes if I'm feeling fancy I might brush it.'"

"M_, seriously don't mess with my hand sanitizer. I've already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu."

"What? I got chased by a hobo for nothing?"

"You need to put the cuckoo back in the clock."

"I'm gonna put a smile on my face and eat a big pile of steaming shit, unsalted."

"She's a nun, Leroy. Could you go after anyone less available?"

"You can use my other phone: It's really old. Like six months."

"He's never seen the sun. He probably lives in a cupboard with like 600 dolls."

"You're asking me to find your get out of jail free card?"

"Why is the Mafia Princess screeching in the chapel?"

"These pins are made for the delicate, poetically macabre work of entomology, and for that reason they work perfectly for pinning down diaphanous, tightly-woven fabrics like silk and chiffon."

Exchanges:

A [man to seeing eye dog]: "I'm allergic to dogs."
B [man with seeing eye dog]: "I'm allergic to JACKASSES!"

Woman: "You know this is sexual harassment right?"
Man: "I think of it as sexual encouragement. Take one for the team!"

A [putting up a tent]: "Are there pictures on there?"
B: "Yes, but they all look like math so I'm ignoring them."

Friday, March 2, 2012

2012-03-02T05:40:00.000-08:00

This week's Quotes are brought to you by the nearly never boring superhero Jonathan W, or jwicky as he is known in my heart. Tell him what you think!

"I should get paid for work-related nightmares."

"I don't watch the Daytona 500 but I might see it to see if Santorum's car spews shit on the track."

"Do you know of a job where I don't have to wear pants?"

"I had some coffee but I'm still not awake, I think I'll have some crack."

"I can eat a can of alphabet soup and shit out a better argument!"

"Did that guy just do the shuffling grandpa and then hump the support beam?"

"Whenever someone says "touche" I reply with "toupee" just to see their reaction."

"Didn't actually see the final season of X-Files, but I hear ya. I wish U.S. series would have term limits, like politicians."

"When someone asks me, 'What came first... the chicken or the egg?' I say, 'The rooster. I think the rooster always comes first.'"

"You'd date a retarded dwarf woman!" . . . "You'd date a chicken sandwich!" . . . "You'd date a Klan woman!"

"I wonder what my vagina would look like, if I had one."

"Dicks and tongues fit in assholes and vaginas. God made them that way. Your move, homophobes."

"I need a sexorcism."

"I've been on here so long I remember who Tweeted that first"

"I've been working hard at not holding a grudge but the chick in the black Silverado a couple weeks ago needs to not be a moron driver. "

Exchanges:

A: "I'm sorry but you can't use the library until you wear pants sir."
B: "But I am wearing pants."
A: "No you're not, you're wearing long john underwear."

A: "It's so nice of them to pretend that they care about our input."
B: "I'll pretend to tell them not to piss in my pocket and tell me it's raining . . . Actually, I won't pretend."

A: “It’s a nice day out, I think I’ll play with the horse.”
B: "Did someone say whores?"

A: "That's going to be the big ass panty dropper song right there."
B: "Um, I really don't think you want to have big ass panties dropping at the show."

A: "I just came from the hospital, I might have bladder cancer."
B: "I'm sorry to hear that."
A: "Yeah, they gave me medication that has a molecule of TB (tuberculosis) in it."
B: "Be careful you don't infect anyone."
A: "It's fine, that'll be my new job! I can rent myself out as a weapon of mass infection. Just give me a six-pack and let me do my thing."

A: "I got a job!"
B: "Congratulations! What is it?"
A: "I'm taking care of a cat for a week...I've been training my whole life for this!"

News Headline of the Week:

"Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way"

Inspirational Poster of the Week:

Friday, February 24, 2012

2012-02-24T14:54:00.000-08:00

"Seriously, the music they play at work feels like I just walked into an elevator that Christmas just took a crap in."

"I put a 101.1 radio station sticker on my car, not cos I like shitty music, but because I want people to think that's how far I can run."

"I'll eat Morningstar Farms off your ass, I don't care, you're hot."

"I don't often feel selfless, but when I'm with you, I do."

"The politics [at work] are fascinating...to a bored person."

"I'm going to be one of those lonely women who leaves long, bitter reviews on Yelp."

"It's not that God is bad, he just has really shitty brand ambassadors."

"Nothing says 'fuck it' like a 70-year-old man walking down the street in a tween girl's backpack complete with a photo of a boyband character."

"Bought a box of eggs to go along with all the microwave meals to stem the cashier's silent judgment of my life choices. I think I won this round."

"Please keep my aunt in your thoughts. Tonight is when she gets the results from her 'Which Downton Abbey character are you?' Facebook quiz."

"I've got a lady boner for anatomical ignorance and horrible phrases."

"When job interviewers ask me what my greatest weakness is, I tell them Thin Mints. Then we all have a laugh and I apply for another job."

"People who say 'expresso' should have separate drinking fountains from the rest of us."

"Worst book ever...I just finished Where the Red Fern Grows. Don't look at me like that; those dogs didn't need to die. Spoiler alert."

Exchanges:

A: "Friday was the 20th...let's see...what did that make Sunday?"
B: "Huh?"
A: "What is Friday minus Sunday?
B: "What?"
A: "Jeez! What is 20 minus Sunday?"
B: "You're out of your mind."

A: "Most of my life is spent trying not to think about how someone has probably made a dating site for pets."
B: "My cat uses a picture of me as her profile pic because she has low self-esteem."

Friday, February 17, 2012

2012-02-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

Once in a bit, Quotes of the Week is curated by a special guest. This week, quotations were collected by my delightful friend Sabrina Famellos Schmidt, fiber artist extraordinaire. Show her some love by sharing this!

"Neil Diamond concert. It's like a retirement home mosh pit."

"If it kinda creams in your mouth it is a claystone."

"Oooo, fruit gems! I love pectin!"

"I can do math in my head, but not in my mouth."

"My life is measured in stitches and rows, which I guess is better than bitches and hoes."

"Dude, thankfully my daughter knows exactly what happens when you put tab A in slot B."

"You should get a computer. With a computer you can get a girlfriend. Christian singles. We can get one for my dad too. Double date!"

"I just turned this t-shirt over and over in my hands, trying to figure out how to put it on. It's a pillowcase."

"Got my shoes for the fundraiser tomorrow night. I hope everyone going enjoys dry humping feet."

"People that don't answer texts should be punched. In the mouth. With a bowling ball. #imightbegrouchy"

"#ifzombiesattack @SabrinaFamellos would knit them socks, @mikeoz would buy them tacos, @fdotsanchez will confuse the fuck out of them."

"So Gloria Estefan was right; the rhythm is gonna get you."

"I wonder if there are people in Japan explaining what their unreadable tattoo means to their friends...'Oh, it's the English word for...'"

"Sleep is an investment in future productivity."

"I'm sensing Kim's gonna have this guy be her future ex-boyfriend..."

"I have no idea why, but I'm picturing a giant rooster ejaculating into @jamescollier's face right now. Why, why, why!"

"Just stole my son's bowl of Cap'n Crunch and then shot him with Nerf guns. That's good parenting right there."

"Great text that I just got from Ex: 'I blame you! Mollie is convinced snakes eat rice and not mice...lol'"

"We are one step closer to the dream of mandatory gay marriage."

"Why would anyone be obsessed with Belinda Carlisle?! That's like being obsessed with batteries or twine."

"I am in love with this Friday. Butcher paper gaga outfits, chair massage... Is this rapture eve or am I already in heaven?"

Exchanges:

A [reaches over to pinch B's nose]
B: "Hey, are you farting?!"
A: "Don't smell it!!"
B [breaking free]: "It smells like...something sweet...like baked cookies? Dude, your fart smells like delicious baked cookies!!"
A: "Status update!!"

A: "Oy, your head...is awfully close to the roof...gone side ways."
B: "The roof, gone side ways? It's called a wall dear. A wall."

A: "Why do they call it a Mexican Fire Drill?"
B: "It's called a Chinese Fire Drill."
A: "Why is it called a Chinese Fire Drill? They don't even have cars in China."

Friday, February 10, 2012

2012-02-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

From Toddlers & Tiaras: "Contestent #4 loves to go hunting and fishing. When she grows up, she wants to be a veterinarian so she can help animals."

"#SisterWives is like a Hometown Buffet that only has women for dinner. Not too hot and probably been sitting around too long."

"Because I love, I give people gory drawings of themselves mangled in the gears of giant machines & write 'This probably won't happen!'"

"I wish I could watch you get tasered by a group of dementia patients."

"Tip: Watching porn while on the elliptical machine does not make time go by faster, it just makes you want to get off."

"He's equal parts Hanson and Manson."

"My neighbor is such a weirdo. I was peeking through his window last night & he was eating a candy apple, that's not really an at-home food."

"Warning: if a UFO lands in your garden and little green people emerge shouting 'fuck you,' earth has been invaded by extra tourettestrials."

"Realization: polygamy is basically hoarding."

"Samsung! Antique Road Show stylus phone!"

"Are you an infant or brain damaged?"

"The secret to my success is eliminating things that make the kids crazy, i.e. sugar, shopping trips, park-hopping. We are running out of things to eliminate. Also, Henry said the F word today, in context."

"Gummy bears can be your friends forever! In your intestines."

"Of all the things Travis has said on FB it's amazing the Toddlers & Tiaras comments were the deal breaker. That's amazing."

"Telling that group of elementary school kids that not having a library card was like being 'fisted by failure' was a poor choice of words."

Exchanges:

A: "New restaurant in Fresno! It's called 'U.F.Pho".'"
B: "Yeah, but it's pronounced 'Fuh.'"
A: "[They're] U.F.Fuh'ked."

Status: "10 minutes ago I asked @dollgina, 'Can I get you anything?' she said 'yes,' but hasn't told me what she wants yet."
Response: "Maybe she'll tell you in a comment?"
@dollgina [one day later]: "I got distracted by Facebook...Honey! Can you get my book from the car? And some champagne. And draw me a bath!"

A: "I just dropped Travis off at the airport. Next, I shall play with my glass sword, beat an elephant til it cries, and put raw hamburger all over my face."
B: "Wow, you sound like you have an exciting life! How do you manage to come up with all these ideas? My life is so drab compared with yours!"

A: "My New Year's resolution is to delete anyone who runs or bikes over 2 miles per day in order to make me look like a sloth asshole."
B: "Way to make a New Years rez in Feb, Sloth."

Friday, February 3, 2012

2012-02-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

"I think if there is one organization that is under investigation, it's Penn State because of that Sandusky guy! Keep fucking that chicken Susan G Komen Race for the Cure!"

"I think the Komen Foundation should have blamed auto-correct. That would have been awesome."

"Dang, that lady had some kind of sweet n sour botulism in her house."

"Saw a tumbleweed roll across Palm today, and thought of you."

"I'm a Pickytarian. I'm not eating puppies or brussel sprouts, but if you want to that's ok with me."

"Let's have another brownie. We don't want people to call us hoarders, we'd better eat them up."

"That sounds a bit like cannibalism. I am sure my husband won't mind if I knaw on his leg tonight for a snack."

"Your a librarian, or was at least. Read the Bible."

"[Travis is] really a Muslim. You have to be a virgin to marry him, and if he finds out you're not he has no choice but to recruit Johnny Slouch to suicide bomb the arch."

"Don't you live in St. Louis, now?"

"Biracial baby = gin+whiskey baby in this damn house."

Exchanges:

A: "We see people taking pictures in it all the time and I keep trying to get people to post them on our fb but no one has done it yet :/"
B: "Just pinch them til they post it. The beauty of mobile! They'll have to do it on the spot to stop the pinch."

A: "He has strange pictures of himself with strange celebs. They're either now dead or look miserable in the pics. Except Michael Bolton."
B: "Michael Bolton isn't dead?"
A: "It would be perfect if he was! I'm too lazy to look it up. Let's just pretend he's dead!"

A: "His poor wife is a pretty little thing with strange false breasts and a tan you couldn't even get in hell. The darling!"
B: "His fantasy life is amazing, along with the wifey. They have a pretend TV show that no one watches, a pretend marriage that they defend to the death, and she pretends that she's pretty while he pretends that he's still rich. I just love watching her talk, teeth clenched, lips afraid to move, boobs at the solid ready, fully full bitch mode. I just love watching him work a room, dick turtled under, strutting at full peahen while seriously thinking everyone recognizes him and actually cares. It's a folie a deuxche."

Friday, January 27, 2012

2012-01-27T07:38:00.000-08:00

This week's Quotes of the Week are brought to you by my cross country move with Travis.

"Some people look at this and see a lot of natural beauty, but it's just fucking wastelands."

"This road is so bumpy I'm about to orgasm."

"Why'd that Sheriff use Microsoft Word Art for his logo?"

"You're so cute when you're worried about things!"

Mini: "Goddamn you, Gina! You don't care about me at all. And I see how you treat that cat, too."

"I think it's funny how Texas goes on about how big it is, but it mostly just looks like shit."

"Man, my lips are jacked up. If I ever get hungry, I can eat the scabs on my lips."

Exchanges:

@dollgina: "Let's pretend those bushes are wild ponies!"
Travis: "Aw, look at the ponies. Well, that was a fun game."

@dollgina: "Sorry I'm a bad navigator!"
Travis: "That's okay, honey, we've only had two wrong turns this entire trip."
@dollgina: "Yeah, but really there's only been like two turns total."
Travis: "Yeah, how do you manage these things?"

Travis: "Shit! We don't have enough for the toll!"
@dollgina: "Well, just put this 60 cents in and hope for the best."
Travis: "What the hell!"
@dollgina: "Go! Go! Go!"

@dollgina: "The view is pretty. It'd be better if there were leaves on the trees."
Travis: "I like trees without leaves."
@dollgina: "Let's just agree to disagree, okay?"

@dollgina: "Ooooh! Candy Factory!"
Travis: "Do you want to stop?"
@dollgina: "Nah, I already have a big fat ass."

@dollgina: "Gross! I hate that bear on the Travelodge signs. How hard is it to find a cute bear to use?"
Travis: "Not hard. In fact, I'd say it's harder to find an ugly creepy one like that one."

@dollgina [looking at iPhone]: "So sad about the tornado. And the strike." [few seconds pass] "Wow!"
Travis: "What now?"
@dollgina: "Oh nothing. I was just doing an optical illusion."

"What is that? Shit throwing shit at a car?" - Travis

Friday, January 20, 2012

2012-01-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

"Mormons must be pretty rare in your parts! They are like unicorns. Here, they are like squirrels."

"If you still say 'that's what she said,' I dream of playing Tic-Tac-Toe with a box cutter on your chest."

"Was just told I sound like a 'rich person' on the phone. Huh?"

"Restaurants that don't take debit cards make me want to put stuff on their mouse pads so they have to clean their mouse roller balls a lot."

"Can we just make a new law that people over the age of 45 don't get to make laws about the internet? Call it NOPA."

"Having a family member with Tourette's isn't all that bad if you get a swear jar in your house."

"I'm going to hide a lot of people in my suitcase when we move Saturday. I'll cut breathing holes for them."

"When you get married, you not only gain a best friend but you also get another windshield to clean...Damn you cold weather!"

"One of my students thinks that Medea is going to help Jason get the golden fleas."

"Hollywood is pretty damn good at making baseball movies that aren't really about baseball."

"I find the lack of wizards in today's music appalling."

Exchange:

A: "Whenever I hear a wine described as 'jammy,' I immediately think of menstrual fluid."
B: "Why, goddamnit, WHY."

Friday, January 13, 2012

2012-01-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

"I wish giving up drugs made the mermaid question go away. I imagine a flap in the back. But thanks to whoever said that one cuz now I'm gonna obsess over the baseball question too. Jeez. Maybe I should start drugs up again."

"If the 16th President of the United States didn't call his turds 'Lincoln Logs,' then I don't know what freedom is."

"You are way too hot to be RT'ing that fucking loser."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I recommended that you sign up for autopsy yesterday instead of auotpay."

"Colonel Catpants was my nickname during 7th grade of Catholic School."

"A true Amish will drink the milk directly from the cow."

"I never notice whether a girl spits or swallows. I'm usually too busy doing my 'I Got a Blowjob From Someone Who Isn't Homeless' dance."

"You can learn a lot about a person by breaking into their house when they're at work and stealing their things and selling them."

"Instead of giving out roses on The Bachelor, they need to be giving out kittens. Because let's face it, these bitches are dying alone."

"I'm just like you, I put my pants on one leg at a time, except when my pants are on they're invisible."

Exchanges:

A: "I couldn’t believe how ugly California was when I first drove across the state line."
B: "Yeah, crossing the line I had expected palm trees and redwoods...like Charlie Brown on Halloween, I got rocks."

A: "I found my mouse!!!!!"
B: "Was that supposed to read 'muse'?"

A: "I didn't know you had kids! Are they a mix of boys and girls?"
B: "There are about 3 boys and 1 girl."
A: "--"

Screenshot of the Week:

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012-01-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. This week there's a theme! Kids say the most f’d up things, brought to you by:

Jodi, a work-from-home mama of darling girls Firecracker and Princess, the wife of one very tall darling, and the Auntie Jo Jo of 12 more darlings.

~and~

Stephen Mintz, who has decided not to pass his mental health genes along to actual birth children, wisely so. Instead he Mannys his best-good friend's 4 kids.

Jodi: "If you girls don't stop fighting and start sharing, I am going to throw your my little fucking ponies out the window."
Girls: "Okay."
[3 hours later...]
Firecracker: "Moooooommmmy. Have you seen my my little funkin' pony?"

Princess: *burp* "Excuse me, I farted in my mouth."
Jodi: "You mean you burped?"
Princess: "No, I farted. It means I am hungry."

Firecracker: "Mama, why don't we celebrate Christmas?"
Jodi: "We celebrate Chanukah. You know, the festival of lights."
Firecracker: "And King Antiochos."
Me: "Yes and Judas and the Macabees."
Jewish Husband: "Judas?!"
Me: "What?"
Jewish Husband: "!"

Firecracker: "Mama, can you bring me some graham crappers?"
Jodi: "You mean graham crackers?"
Firecracker: "No, I said CRAPPPERS!"
Jodi: "!"
Firecracker: "They are yummy!"

Jodi: "Girls, we have to put conditioner in your hair, it will help get the knots out."
Firecracker: "You mean nuts? Squirrels like nuts."
Princess: "Noooo. She means nuts, like....'you TWO are driving me nuts!'"

Princess: "Mama, I want to be a daddy when I grow up."
Jodi: "Why? What do daddy's do?"
Princess: "They fix things and go to work."
Jodi: "Okay....what do mommy's do?"
Princess: "They go on the 'puter and they hang curtains."
Me: "Ouch."

Firecracker: "Mama? Can I get in bed with you?"
Jodi: "Uggh.....I guess!!!"
Fireracker: "Yuck! I need to go throw up, you smell yucky."

Princess: "Mama, your belly is soft and it wiggles."
Jodi: "Just call me Santa!"

Jodi: "So I was going to book your flight on the red eye? Or do you want to fly out first thing in the morning? Your call."
Sister: "Ummm....."
Jodi: "What?"
Sister: "Is the runway icy in January? I mean will the plane be safe to land after a red eye flight? You know how paranoid I am."
Jodi: "True, that is dangerous. But terrorists generally strike in the am on the first morning flight."
Sister: "!"
Jodi: "How about we just stick to the most economical?"

3yo girl: "Stephy? You have baby in your belly?"
Stephen: "No, I’m just fat."
3yo girl: "So you can feed the baby with your boobies?"

Stephen (teaching about possums): "Possums are night hunters with sharp teeth."
8yo girl: "So this possum might have killed our chickens?"
Me: "No, possums are mostly scavengers – they just see something dead or around anywhere and they say, 'Oooh, food, I’ll eat anything!'"
8yo: "Oh, like you!"

As the 8yo girl and I are watching Toy Story 3, Woody needs to get downstairs and jumps on the dog, who is now old, and who promptly clumps down on his side and starts to sleep:
8yo: "Stephy, look, it’s you!"

4yo boy as Stephen explained why his gramma died:
Stephen: "She was old and got sick and died. Old people die sometimes if they get really sick."
4yo: "But you’re old and you’re not dead."
Me: "!"

And now the reason why we put up with and adore little children:

As the 2yo stood on a tiny stool in the kitchen, eating her pomegranate seeds, her bowl emptied. She held her bowl up expectantly to me, and after I hesitated a bit, produced more seeds for her from behind my back.
As she continued eating: "You a good person, Teffy. You no never mean to me. You always nice to me. You a good person."
Me: ":-D"

Quotes of the Year! 2011

2011-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say...sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of...it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...after 'I love you'...or 'You're going to live'...or 'It's a boy!'"

"Oh, it's Call of Duty: Black Ops, not Call of Duty: Black Cops. That opens it up to a whole new market now, doesn't it?"

"Babies come from eggs that are hatched by rabbis if you are Jewish, Catholic nuns if you are Christian, and prostitutes if you are an atheist."

"He's scared of the outside which is a disease called homophobia."

"If we spent as much time curing cancer as we spend on curing meats, we would have some very delicious cancer."

"In rare instances when twins are conceived by different fathers, it's called heteropaternal super fecundation. I call it being a slut."

"I know I will have reached a certain level of success when my underwear is so well made it doesn't even have an inside out."

"I guess my Kevorkian Groupon is now worthless."

"I've said 'hello' to [the big boss] almost every day since I've been there. Tuesday, he sees me sitting in my office and alerts my boss about the stranger."

"I just signed a kid up for the summer reading program who told me his name was 'Snot-faced Puppy.' I wrote it on his reading log and said thank you. He beamed."

"My boss just asked me if I'll have email at my new job."

"If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I'd be a rich man."

"If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I'd be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds."

"In order to stop what was already a very long conversation with a coworker, I told her I don't watch television because I don't have eyes."

Exchanges:

A: "No one should buy one of those foam hands. What a waste of money!"
B: "What if you are a diehard fan?"
A: "Then you get autographed baseballs and you sleep with the players, like normal people do!"

A: "Do you wanna go see Harry Potter?"
B: "I'd rather watch a sex tape of my grandparents."
A: "I think it's really sweet that your grandparents still make love."

Friday, December 30, 2011

2011-12-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

"I don't mind being judged for my substance abuse or sexual addiction. It's better than judging people."

"Hey white people, quit giving us a bad name by doing things like wanting a room just for crafts on House Hunters. Fuck off."

"The reason I gave up drugs was to avoid lying awake at night wondering if mermaids have vaginas or why baseball is counterclockwise."

"I just farted in the sound of a question."

"I just texted a friend birthday wishes. The iPhone changed 'hugs' to 'jugs.' It kinda changes the meaning in a creepy way."

"Girls named Andrea that call themselves 'Ahn-dray-uh' will never let you stick it in their butt."

"By all means, continue clipping your toenails in my sink. I was going to torch the place anyway."

"Hey random creepy guy in this lesbian porn jacking off in the corner---GO AWAY, you're freaking me out."

"TOUCHING [in a men's restroom] is NOT allowed. No matter what. I don't care if the person is fainting. No touching (unless you have to push them away from falling on you)."

"If a badass is getting ready for the prom, is he big primpin', or should I stop trying to write jokes?"

"I used to hope that van in the driveway was bringing flowers, or a huge check. Now I pray it isn't the film crew from Hoarders."

"I think you should treat others as you'd like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people."

Exchanges:

A: "I learned that most men do not use the little flap in their underwear. Discuss."
B: "Leslie, that is called going over the fence."

A: "Is it really pronounced "cack" gazing? I like it!"
B: "Well I'm trying not to offend.....that would be the Boston dialect."
A: "Dammit. Well, I'm calling them cacks from now on. Cacks and sacks."

Stay tuned! Tomorrow I shall post Quotes of the Year. If you made that list, I probably wish to have your baby. Or I just think you're really funny.

Friday, December 23, 2011

2011-12-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. This week, quotations were collected by my friend and sissy-in-law Elizabeth, who has a better sense of humor than your sister-in-law! Show her some love!

"That's what they get for dicking around in duty free."

"I have an open relationship...with vodka."

Kid [after he was told to stop touching the DVD player, after it fell to the floor]: "I didn't do ANYTHING, I was just looking at it with my eyes...my eyes must have secret powers or something."

"A little girl getting bit by a pony? That's crazy! That's like getting raped by Santa Claus."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra."

"If I get sick because of you coughing on me I will sneak into your house on Christmas Eve and sneeze in your eyes."

"My son's doctor told me he won't remember anything that happens when he's 7 months old. Guess who's not getting presents this year?"

"My mom told me she didn't do as good a job with me and that I was like the guinea pig for the other three. How's your day going?"

"Taking bets on what drops first, New Year's Eve ball or Justin Bieber's testicles."

Exchanges:

Teacher: "This year, we learned how to act without words...Does anyone remember what's that called?"
First grade class [in unison]: "No..."
Teacher: "It starts with 'Pa'....'pa' 'pa' 'pa'..."
Kid: "Pantaloons?"

A: "I have a headache. I took 4 Advil."
B: "Take 40 Advil and it will be your last headache."

Teacher: "Who can name something that you don't like to smell?"
First grader: "Dog shit."
Teacher: "Maritza we can't say that, it's not nice."
First grader: "Cat shit."

A: "What does Bono mean in the song 'Do they know it's Christmas' when he says 'Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you?'"
B: "As much as I do love my over-coiffed 80's alterna singers and this song, I think it reels of 'Phew! Dodged a bullet on THAT one! Could have been an Ethiopian.'"

Friday, December 16, 2011

2011-12-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

"I've named my dick Judas. He always wants to stab you in the back."

"How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?"

"It's not premarital sex if you never get married."

"Maybe it was their god's way of saying it's a vagina not a clown car."

"If you've never fucked on ecstasy with Lords of Acid pumping in the background, then you weren't in my bed last night."

"Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women."

"I will take that thing across the border, but I will not pay a penny for it and I'm not taking my pants off."

"I won't have any more kids on the simple fact that I can't carry more than two kids in the zombie invasion."

"We should remove the warning label from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself."

"It's not rape if he fell asleep on his stomach with his boxers on backwards."

"I like Twitter cos when I used to post shit on Facebook all I'd ever get is, 'Greg, you really shouldn't have eaten that lady's dog.'"

"He should have just let the cancer kill him. Woulda been called Bad Lung instead of Breaking Bad."

"Whomever in my neighborhood named their wifi 'Not Yours' should probably put a password on that shit, because I beg to differ."

"I don't like fake boobs, said the man who had no trouble pretending his hand was a vagina."

"If you get sexted by someone you don't wanna sext with, did you just get molexted?"

"I put a Christian fish on my car getting eaten by a Darwin fish getting eaten by Calvin as he pees on stick figures of your family."

"Let's start spelling independence with an 'a.' I think 'independance' is far better."

"I'm willing to bet I have a gambling problem. And if these Yelp reviews are accurate, also a bed bug problem."

"No, no, people. It's okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist."

"Bought my sister a t-shirt that says 'It's Not Indifference, It's Botox' but I couldn't tell from her expression whether she liked it or not."

"I'm pretty sure if I winked this much in real life as much as I do online, I would get my ass kicked daily. ;)"

Exchanges:

Daughter: "Let's have an ass-shaking contest."
Son: "Mom should win cos her ass is hee-uge."
Mom: "You son of a bitch."

A: "How tall is Mommy?
B: "Seven."

Friday, December 9, 2011

2011-12-09T07:35:00.000-08:00

Every other week for a spell, Quotes of the Week will be curated by a special guest. First up is our friend Michael from Weird Fresno fame! Show him some love and share, share, share!

"She makes Sylvia Plath look like Cindy Lauper."

"Sometimes, my pants don't load in Second Life. This also happens in First Life."

"I'm going to put some AIDS in his Christmas stocking."

"Is snogging like tubthumping?"

"One of the reasons I love tuna sandwiches is how much you don't have to chew. Just swish 'em around and gulp. Then find a mint."

"Infants are really tiny assholes."

"A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED YET."

"I've decided to get really out of shape and become a pro golfer."

"Ever wondered if Santa Claus is just a Succubus in disguise? After researching for two hours, the answer is no."

Exchanges:

A: "I just love that this guy is incarcerated in the jail that was named after him."
B: "You just better hope there's no 'Dollgina Rehabilitation Correctional Facility.'"
A: "Will you be my attorney??"
B: "Yeah, but will I be keeping you out, or in?"
A: "At this point, I want in. What kind of charges can you scare up? Let's tip off the cops and get started."

A: "Oh, that poor guy has scoliosis!"
B: "Are you sure it's not just the lights?"
A: "What do you mean? Look at his back!"
B: "Oh! I got that mixed up with psoriasis for a minute."