Rage Against the Minivan

My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 20:11:00 +0000

Every once in a while I will stumble onto a Pinterest board that perfectly skewers the insanity of Pinterest. The board My Imaginary Well-Dressed Toddler Daughter does just that, mocking the hipster photos of perfect children than abound on Pinterest. The captions are the best part. Well, that and the fact that she named her imaginary daughter Quinoa. Here are a few of my favorites:

One time Quinoa thought she had accidentally squashed a bug, but what she had really squashed was all the predictable style rules society has tried to place on her . . .

Quinoa and her BFF Chevron like to drive in vintage cars out to the dessert, park them, and take a bunch of pictures looking pissed off.

Sometimes Quinoa is too cool for school, so she doesn't go. Wouldn't be fair to the other kids.

You can check out the rest of the board here.

Skate park Saturday

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 11:45:00 +0000

Last weekend Karis spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s, which left me the opportunity to do something fun with just the older kids. They’ve been begging to go to the skate park but Karis is a bit too young, so it seemed like the perfect day to venture out with the big kids.

Blue Diamond Almonds sent me a snack pack for our day, and once again my children ate through most of it the minute I opened the box. Not pictured: a can of Wasabi Soy almonds being held by Jafta. cowering over them in a corner while repeating, “My precious . . . my precious.”

We geared up and hit the road.

India has taken an interesting in learning to ride, and has also been practicing at home. I was curious to see how she would do, because she’s not as naturally athletic as her brothers (like her mama) and tends to get frustrated when things don’t come easily (like her mama.) But I’m proud to say she was a trooper and practiced the whole time we were there. Despite having her own skateboard, she chose Mark’s old board. It’s wide and a bit creaky and I think it makes her feel more stable.

I had a few older skaters ask to take a photo of her skateboard. I guess it’s vintage.

Jafta and Kembe continue to amaze me with how fearless they are on a skateboard. Nearly every time we go, Kembe manages to befriend several teenaged boys, and today was no exception. He finagled a better board from one of them for half the day.

India wasn’t ready to brave the ramps but she practiced her footing and some tic-tacking in the flat area. When she got tired, she started doing some of her football cheers for the boys while they were on the ramps. Go team!

Kembe tried riding the rail for the first time. Nailed it.

It was a fun day, and despite some of the reservations I’ve had about the skate park in the past, I think this may become a frequent destination for our family. I even signed India and Karis up for an all-girl skate camp this summer.

This is a sponsored post by Blue Diamond Almonds. Get Your Summer Going with Blue Diamond Almonds!

Summer His & Hers Cruiser Bike Giveaway

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 10:30:00 +0000

Summer is here and I've got a fun giveaway to kick it off. I'm teaming up with a few other bloggers to bring you a fabulous summer-worthy prize: His & Hers Cruiser Bikes. And because these bikes are so awesome, we are giving one away to a second winner as well!

---> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST <---

Weekend Finds

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 21:35:00 +0000

Our kids still have another week of school, so it doesn’t quite feel like summer has started in our house. I’m still stocking up on summer supplies in an effort to keep our sanity as I’ve got four kids home all summer. I’ve stumbled onto some great deals this week and thought I would share.

First up, it’s the Tea Collection semi-annual sale! Oh Tea Collection . . . I can’t quit you.

I am a huge fan of Zulily. It’s a flash sale site and it can be hit or miss, but sometimes they’ve got incredible sales on items that I need. I try to check it often and just ordered some of the following for summer:

Nature Craft Discovery Box. Paul Frank Zip-Up Coverup, Summer Crocs for Kids, Swimsuits $8-$15, Weather Craft Discovery Box, Reading Practice Worksheets, Math Activity Center, Half Off Razor Scooters . . . all at Zulily.com.

Unrelated to summer, but every time I share a photo on instagram of these chairs in our house, I’m asked where I got them. They are from Little Nest, but I snagged them on sale at Gilt (another flash sale site):

Eames Eiffel Chairs for Kids

A few other random finds:

Oh my word. Scandal We are hooked. So hooked. I don’t know how I’m so late to this game. It’s funny because I have several friends watching it right now, too. Total guilty pleasure.

If you have black or biracial children, check out Cara B Naturally. They’ve got great shampoos, conditioners, and body washes for natural hair.

THIS DRESS:

My friend Sarah has it and raves about how easy it is, and it looks really cute on her. Definitely looks like something more high-end (like J. Crew) and the fabric lays really nicely and doesn’t wrinkle. I found one in my local store and tried it on and fell in love. So flattering, so cute. I ended up buying it in the other color online.

Any great deals you’ve discovered this week?

A guest post by Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption’s President & CEO Rita Soronen

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 07:21:00 +0000

I am a huge fan of The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption so I was thrilled when their President and CEO Rita Soronen agreed to write a guest post for me. But first, I want to let you know that this weekend, Saturday, June 15 and Sunday, June 16, for each Frosty product purchased, participating Wendy’s will donate 50-cents to Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, which works to help families for waiting kids.

And now, a post from Rita Soronen about the importance of finding family:

When Taylor was 5, he was placed in foster care. He moved back home twice, but was then permanently severed from his birth family at age 9. Although he was with a kind and loving foster family, they were like grandparents to him, and they felt that he should have a younger adoptive family, so they worked with his caseworker to assure a smooth transition to an adoptive family.

A family was found, visits occurred, and last year, Taylor’s foster family was both excited and sad to be driving him to his new home for his pre-adoptive placement. When they arrived, there seemed to be no one home. They waited a bit, made some calls and then went back to the home thinking something might be wrong. They looked in the back yard where Taylor saw that everything was gone – toys, grill, trash cans – everything.

Taylor was heartbroken when he learned that the family moved away. But a few weeks later as Taylor and his foster mother continued to process what had happened, he looked at her and said, “I still want to be adopted. Nothing feels better than someone wanting to care about you.”

Stories like this break my heart every day. As the leader of a national nonprofit dedicated to finding homes for the more than 134,000 children in North America’s foster care systems, these stories also motivate me to work even harder so children like Taylor do not have to suffer such heartbreak.

Thankfully, soon after the learning that his potential adoptive family had vanished, Taylor was placed on the caseload of a Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter.

---> CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST <---

Mama Said: Potty Training, the Eternal Struggle

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 07:59:00 +0000

This month Sarah James and I are taking questions from our readers for our Mama Said series. This week's question: how do you deal with a child who won't go on the potty?

Any sage potty-training advice we've missed?

If you have any questions you would like us to answer in a future video, leave them in the comments!

Why I dyed my daughter’s hair blue (and other assorted tales)

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 11:43:00 +0000

I’ve been writing quite a bit over at Babble and thought I would link up to a few of my posts there.

Why I Dyed my Daughter’s Hair Blue (and other adventures in saying yes).

Last month, I surprised my friends (and myself) by allowing my kindergarten-aged daughter to get her ears pierced and dye blue streaks in her hair. MORE »

DIY Birthday Banner

We celebrated Karis’s 4th birthday last month, and I’m sharing a cheap and easy birthday decoration that involves the kids. MORE »

Best Children’s Books for Transracial and Interracial Families

The numbers of transracial families in North America continue to increase, but it can still be difficult to find stories for children of transracial families in children’s books. Here are a few. lMORE »

Transracial Adoption in TV and Film: A Retrospective

This is a retrospective of how transracial adoption has been portrayed in movies and film in the past few decades.

Logging on and zoning out: the soft addiction epidemic of the internet age

It makes me wonder how our advanced technology is affecting our ability to listen and to be in relationship with others. (And by relationship, I mean one-on-one, as opposed to Facebook friends). Are we becoming a society so entangled by our computers and phones that we no longer know how to relate in the real world? Is there an emerging generation of computer-addicted young adults who need their laptop like they need air and water?

what i want you to know about talking with your infertile friend

noreply@blogger.com (ragingassistant) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 09:01:00 +0000

#1 They will eventually conceive a baby.
#2 They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
#3 They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

It is important that you understand that each of these three "routes" offers excitement, pain, and heartbreak in their own way. I have friends who have chosen or been forced down each of these different paths. It is important that you don't press them down any of these roads. Number 1 is racked with worry and fears after the amount of time and money invested. Numbers 2 and 3 are very difficult choices and usually not the first option.

Here are some things you should NOT say to them while you are struggling. Now if you have said any of these to someone, don't feel bad. One of my dear friends was struggling with infertility before I was diagnosed. Looking back, I said every one of these things to her. I have apologized, but she understands that I meant well. I understand that people mean well. However, the more educated you are, the better.

Don't tell them to relax. This is called the "R" word in infertile circles. This is very rarely the problem for infertile people. While stress can be a problem, it is often not the issue for people who publicize their infertility journey. Stress is usually an issue that is quickly rectified.

Don't minimize the problem or say there are worse things that can happen.

Don't say this really isn't a big deal or shouldn't bother them that much. Of course there are worse things that can happen. Any life-changing event could be worse, but it doesn't change how much it hurts.

Don't say they aren't meant to be parents. Well meaning Christians often say this trying to imply God's will is sovereign. Faith and God's presence is a huge issue for infertile women -- let them deal with this on their own or with a Christian counselor.

Don't ask why they aren't trying IVF. IVF is very expensive with a lot of ethical considerations. It isn't an "easy" decision.

Don't play doctor. Don't give medical advice unless you really know what you are talking about.

Don't be crude. This should be obvious. Making jokes about "Do you need a lesson?" is just mean.

Be tender when making a pregnancy announcement.The general rule here is to not make your announcement in a public place with your infertile friend in attendance. Instead send them a card or an email and allow them to digest it privately first. Or sometimes you can tell the husband and ask them to let the wife know. Remember that they are happy for you but they are jealous for their own frustrations.

Don't complain about your pregnancy or your children. Obviously there are things to complain about but it is a wise move to find someone else to confide in with these problems.

Don't push adoption (yet). The general rule is to not bring this up unless they bring it up first. This is a very wonderful and tender topic and when they are ready, they will share. Why do most people not adopt and have genetic children? Because biological children is the primary choice for most people. Your friend is no different in this desire.

Don't start any story with ... "I know someone..." or "I had a friend who..." These stories often feature the exception, not the rule. The biggest culprits: "I know who a friend who went on a vacation and then had a baby", and "I know who friend who got pregnant right after they adopted." These cause chills down an infertile women's spine.

Let them know that you care. Cards or caring acts are appreciated.
Remember them on Mother's Day. Church is very painful on Mother's Day when you are infertile. John and I didn't go. We planned a fun day away from all the mother's with flowers. You can simply send a nice card that you are remembering them on that day like you would the anniversary of a loss.

Don't tell them that if they adopt, they will probably become pregnant. The fact is that very few couples conceive after adoption.

Support their decision to stop treatments. Encourage them in whatever direction they choose. This is a personal decision. If they want advice, they'll ask.

If your friend (or an acquaintance) brings up their infertility to you, they are wanting to talk to to you about it. From that point on, the conversation is probably welcome. Start off by saying, "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay, but how is everything going?" Most of the time, once a couple decides to share, a woman wants to talk about it.

Okay, so that's a lot of things NOT to do. But what should you do:

Pray for them. Remember their "calendar" and send an email or card on a big day.

Put them in touch with other women "in their situation". (Ask them if they want to be contacted or do the contacting.)

Provide encouragement for them to seek support. A great online support group is: www.hannahsprayer.org.

Attend Support Group meetings with them if they would find this helpful.
Invite them to all events but give them the option to "opt" out of events that might be painful (baby showers, baptisms, etc.)

Invite them to special child-free events whenever possible.

Give them poems or even books that you think might be helpful -- try to have another infertile friend give a "stamp" of approval on the book. Don't have a friend? I'll be your friend. Email me at: flakymn@hotmail.com.

Offer to go to appointments with them if their husband is unavailable.

Recognize that not being able to have a child is the loss of a dream. It is the same as a single person who wants to get married not finding "the one" or an athlete having a career-ending injury. It's a loss. They will move through stages of grief (ups and downs) including a time when they question their faith. However, they will cycle through this with love and prayer.

Read books that will help you understand the infertile woman's heart. I strongly recommend Water from the Rock to understand the grief process infertile women go through.

Questions of eternal significance: do you re-read books you’ve already finished?

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 09:00:00 +0000

[photo credit]

Some friends and I were talking about books the other day, and I mentioned that I never keep the books I’ve already read. I read a lot and have a habit of buying too many books, so my shelves are already filled with things I want to read. I really don’t have space for the things I’ve already read. So as soon as I finish a book, I pass it on. Very, very rarely do I keep a book. I like to set them out into the world for others to enjoy. I’m storing up my literary karma.

Anyway, my friend asked what I did if I wanted to re-read a book. She was surprised when I told her that I never re-read a book. I was surprised to learn that she regularly does this. So it got me curious about the habits of others.

The only books I can even think of that I’ve read more than once are Little Women, Pride and Prejudice, and Mansfield Park. Other than those three favorites, I really have no desire to re-read a book. Recently, I did consider reading a few books I read in high school just to see if I understood them better now. But Girl Gone? Cutting for Stone? Angle of Repose? Loved those books. NEVER WANT TO READ THEM AGAIN.

How about you? Do you re-read books? Or once you’ve read them, do you feel like you can never go back?

So Totally Relidge: The morning after pill, abortion, birth control accessibility for minors, and a minefield of ethical questions

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 23:07:00 +0000

In this episode of So Totally Relidge, Elizabeth Esther and I are discussing the new law that lowered the age of accessibility for the Plan B pill to 14. It sparked some really interesting debate (as you will see, Elizabeth and I have VERY different opinions). The conversation left me thinking for days – I think it’s my favorite episode yet. We explored the accusation that Plan B is an abortion pill, we talked about whether or not we feel birth control should be offered to minors, and we discussed the concept of “unwanted” pregnancies. You know . . . just minor things.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these issues! Do you think Plan B is an abortion pill? Do you think we need more access to birth control for teens? Do you think teen pregnancy is inherently bad, or can it be a blessing?

That’s what SHE said: dad’s sexual fantasies, biracial cheerios, a nation of wimps, and more . . .

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 08:11:00 +0000

Stay-at-home Dad sexual fantasies: Why I’d like to stop. | Slate

I assume that my “condition” is perfectly normal, because many friends I’ve consulted have admitted that they, too, might have graphic daydreams about a woman they saw for five seconds at a traffic light. And indeed, the academic research on the subject corroborates my informal polling. But I couldn’t get over the cognitive dissonance of the whole situation. How could enlightened, feminist guys like myself put up with these unbidden fantasies that violate our dedication to gender equity and basic human decency? There must be like-minded men who have overcome these impulses. I decided that I would seek out their stories, and use them to help me cleanse my filthy mind.

“As I have loved you, love one another” | dooce®

Since then, the Mormon church has taken some steps in the right direction when it comes to their stance on homosexuality. Is it enough? No. Is it even in the ballpark? Not at all. But at least they are recognizing the fact that this is not an annoying little problem that people can just pray themselves out of, and that homosexuals deserve the love and respect that is due “any of God’s children.”

Of bigots, basements and bowls of Cheerios | iPinion Syndicate

But the other part of the story is this backlash in America that we’ve seen since Barack Obama won the White House. It’s not just that Obama is African-American — he’s half white. He embodies the browning of America. It’s not only a change in the racial composition of the country that rubs some the wrong way, but also change in terms of jobs, housing, gay rights, immigration, social norms, the role of religion and battles over women’s and minority rights that have provoked a backlash mostly from a sliver of white men. Folks are more likely to show their true colors and it’s not pretty.

A Nation of Wimps | Psychology Today

No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so heavily in their children's outcome from an early age. But taking all the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they're robbed of identity, meaning and a sense of accomplishment, to say nothing of a shot at real happiness. Forget, too, about perseverance, not simply a moral virtue but a necessary life skill. These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of 21st-century youth. Whether we want to or not, we're on our way to creating a nation of wimps.

Your Body Is Never The Problem | Good Women Project

It is not inconsistent to want to be seen and not be stared at. You know the difference, I suspect, between an “appreciative look” (which can feel very validating) and the “penetrating stare” that leaves you feeling like crawling into a hole. While people are not required to give you the former, it’s not unreasonable to expect them to avoid giving you the latter. It’s also not unreasonable to want guys your age to be interested in you, and want the creepy old ones to leave you alone. Remember, it’s not hypocrisy or naiveté on your part to dress in a way that you hope will get you that positive attention you want without also bringing the negative attention you fear and loathe.

I'm Biracial, and That Cheerios Ad Is a Big F--ng Deal. Trust Me. | Jezebel

So, this is just a stupid commercial about Cheerios but it means a lot to me. It shows interracial families and their children being normal and cute, not something to gawk at or to question. Hopefully this commercial will lead to even more positive representations of not just interracial families, but all kinds of non-traditional families. To Cheerios, I give you one internet high-five, for doing your part to normalize families like mine and people like me. Increased visibility of our differences leads to things like “acceptance” and “disrupting the status quo” and also “not arresting biracial people’s dads for kidnapping.” Bravo. Now excuse me while I go dump a box of cereal on my dad.

Megyn Kelly Destroys Fox Pundit For Views On Working Moms: 'What Makes You Dominant And Me Submissive?' | ThinkProgress

KELLY: In this country in the ’50s and ’60s there were huge numbers of people that believed that the children of interracial marriages were biologically inferior and that is why it was illegal for blacks and whites to marry in some states in the country up until 1967. And they said it was science and fact if you were the child of a black father and white mother or vice versa you were inferior and not set up for success. Tell that to Barack Obama.

A “You Can Touch My Hair” exhibit . . . is it bridge-building or othering?

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 20:17:00 +0000

There is an interactive public art exhibit today in New York City where observers can “explore the tactile fascination with black hair” by feeling the hair of black women. Un-ruly.com, who organized the event, describes it as a public art exhibit: “where strangers from all walks of life will have the welcomed opportunity to touch various textures of black hair.”

It’s a fascinating social experiment, but I have mixed feelings about it. I know, from my black friends, that unsolicited hair touching is a major issue for black women, especially for those who rock a mane of natural curls. It’s an issue even in diverse places in 2013, and I think in large part it’s due to the fact that, for years, black women have felt the need to “tame” their hair by straightening or braiding or otherwise masking the natural state of their hair. A growing number of black men and women have rejected this practice, favoring styles that work with their natural texture. But because it’s still rare and new, it garners some curiosity, and with it . . . some boundary-crossing as people let their curiosity overcome another person’s personal space.

We experience this on occasion with Kembe’s hair, although it was much more pronounced on our visit to Peru, where he was victim to “hair-petting” almost everywhere we went.

I know some people think that hair-petting is a sign of latent racism , or some desire by white folks to treat black people as public property. There are plenty of people I respect who view it as such, but I’m not so sure. My travel experience has taught me that hair-petting is an international epidemic. When I was in Ethiopia, my blond mane was suddenly the target. I had scores of Ethiopians touch my hair, from small kids to older women. I didn’t take offense. I think they were curious, and it actually seemed to delight them a little bit. Same thing in Haiti . . . Karis’s white-blond locks had many adults reaching to touch her hair.

Now hear me say: I think touching someone’s hair without permission is rude. Really rude. But I don’t know if the desire itself is malevolent. I would hope it’s an impulse that is stifled by self-control and common courtesy, but I think that white people’s obsession with black hair in it’s natural state stems from sincere curiosity about difference. I don’t know that curiosity about difference is inherently bad.

Still . . . I’m not sure how I feel about a display where women let people touch their hair. On the one hand, I feel cringe-y about it. I would love to know how it feels for the models. On the other hand, perhaps there is some benefit of “going there” . . . of acknowledging the curiosity and letting it be satisfied in a mutually consenting venue. There is a popular meme on Reddit in which black people answer race questions from white people that they’ve always wanted to ask but were afraid to broach, and for the most part I think it’s actually bridging some gaps to have these conversations. Is the hair thing in this vein?

What do you think of the “You Can Touch My Hair” exhibit?

Do you allow playdates and sleepovers with school friends?

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Thu, 06 Jun 2013 09:46:00 +0000

Last month on Mama Said, Sarah and answered questions from our readers. One question about playdates prompted an interesting discussion in which Sarah and I shared our reservations about letting our kids go to the homes of friends we don’t know well. We’re also both a little leery of the sleepover situation.

What’s your rule in regards to playdates and sleepovers? How do you communicate your rules with other parents (and with your kids)? Do you think Sarah and I are being paranoid, or is it worth the awkwardness to be cautious when it comes to this stuff?

What I want you to know: being married to an alcoholic

noreply@blogger.com (ragingassistant) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 11:30:00 +0000

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by an anonymous reader.

What I want you to know is that it's hard to be married to an alcoholic. It's very hard when you are no longer in denial, and you see what pain and hurt he's causing to himself and your children. It's difficult and it's frustrating, and it can suck you into a crippling cycle of dependency, but if you are willing to work on yourself, you can find even more to love in your marriage and your family.
I know all of these things because my husband is an alcoholic.

Now if you ask him, he will say he drinks beer, but it's not a problem. He would probably also say he only drinks socially. At least that's what he told me before we met, when we were just talking "online." And as we met, dated, spent more time together, he NEVER drank in front of me, or that I knew about. Not once in 18 months. After we were married, and after my friend got me to al-anon before I had a nervous breakdown after 8 months of marriage, I could see that what I thought were kindnesses on his part - always saying he wanted to leave early - by 10:00 pm so I could get my rest before getting the kids up and to school and to work the next day; always coming to my house, but never having me at his - for my convenience; so I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter on my single-mom salary - those were his way of still being able to get home in time to drink before bed and not having to worry about the bottles or cans in the trash.

I want you to know that I now know that not every alcoholic lives on the streets. My alcoholic is a well-respected member of his profession. He works daily and rarely misses a day of work. Sometimes he does sleep in, but his office is fairly flexible, and it doesn't show any signs of affecting his work life.

I want you to know that not every alcoholic gets arrested for DWI. My alcoholic prides himself on never drinking and driving and always staying home when he drinks. He'd never go to a bar and drink or get drunk.

I want you to know that if you look at my life from the outside, you'd have no idea what is going on in it. I feel more sane now after 4 years in al-anon, and daily reading and some blogging and trying to help our children understand what is going on, and not to live in denial. But it is hard.

I want you to know that not all alcoholics drink in the morning when they wake up. Sometimes the alcoholic makes deals with himself throughout the day, that he can drink at 7:00 pm, because he won't be drunk yet when the kids go to bed. Or he can drink at 5:00 tonight because the kids won't be home until late. Or that he can make a deal that if he goes to buy the beer that is $1 for a 24 oz can, he can buy more and drink fewer numbers of cans, so that is good in his world.

I want you to know that when a person drinks, and he keeps drinking, he is slowly but surely killing himself. It's hard to watch someone you love do that.

It's hard to know that the wonderful, caring, thoughtful man you married is in there somewhere but he is facing a daily battle, literally for his life, with the desire to get his alcohol into his system.

Most of all, I hope that if you know someone who lives with an alcoholic, and you probably do - even if you don't know the person is drinking, please be compassionate. Please know that as someone who loves an alcoholic, they are trying to be the best spouse, parent, friend that they can be, and not go insane with the still drinking alcoholic in their house. But also, I'm trying to see every day, what I can do to help today be the last day he drinks. Sometimes that means I leave the room when he starts talking about other women because I don't need to hear it, and he can be left with his own thoughts. Sometimes it means that I need to think carefully how I want to act before I speak. I don't want to react to his careless drunken ravings. Sometimes it's buying ice cream for the kids at our favorite place every single night he's out of town on business because we can. Sometimes, it's deciding he has the right to drink if he wants to, but he doesn't have the power to kill my joy for living.

But every day, it's hard.

Dinnertime conversation

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Fri, 31 May 2013 09:40:00 +0000

India: Mommy, when you teach the students at Vanguard University, are you teaching them about blogging?

Me: No. I teach psychology. I’m helping people learn how to be a therapist. Like what daddy does. I used to do that, too.

India? You did? You used to be a therapist?

Me: Yes!

Kembe: No you didn’t!

Me: Yes I did! I was a therapist for a long time. Even when Jafta was a baby.

Mark: That’s right, guys. Mommy used to be a therapist. And now . . . well. There’s an old saying: “Those who can’t . . . teach”.

Me: (silently flipping him off).

water snorts out of our noses

AND SCENE.

“But there is glitter on your boobs!” | the flip side of modesty culture

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Thu, 30 May 2013 09:22:00 +0000

There has been a good deal of pushback lately against “modesty culture” and the troubling trend of religious circles blaming young women (and their clothing choices) when men are sexually aggressive. I really appreciate that women, and especially Christian women, are refusing to buy into the idea that women need to cover up so that men can maintain control of their urges. It’s a poor view of both men and women to assume that a lack of modesty leads to loss of control, and it also perpetuates a rape culture in which the victim is held responsible instead of the perpetrator. If we want our boys to be more respectful of women, WE SHOULD ADDRESS IT WITH THE BOYS.

But it does prompt the question: what responsibility do women have when it comes to modesty? My friend Sharideth and I were discussing this very thing the other day, and I asked if she would post some thoughts. Here’s what she had to say:

But there is glitter on your boobs!

I could wear a burkha and still wouldn’t be able to hide my boobs. When you’ve got curves like mine, there is no modest enough. Ever. I’ve never been super popular with the faction of my faith who believes the responsibility of causing men not to stumble face first into motorboating lies solely on the way women dress and carry themselves. Which is a steaming pile, of course. Not only is it impossible for me to completely conceal what my mama gave me, I don’t want to.

Which means I also have to be cool with it when men notice.

There are bloggers and activists out there doing amazing work against the modesty culture that causes women to carry around so much shame when it comes to their bodies. Christian feminists are so necessary to move things forward in the church.

I’m here to talk about the other extreme.

A friend of mine went out to bar one night to hang with buddies as 20-something guys are prone to do. It was so packed, someone probably got pregnant just by osmosis. There was a girl with what could only be described as aggressive boobs standing right next to him. Now when I say aggressive boobs, I mean a low cut shirt shirt that stopped at the nipple line, push up bra (probably, based on his description) and glitter body lotion. Yes. She had glitter on her tits.

And he noticed.

Duh.

My friend is a pretty nice guy. Not one to drool or make a scene over even sparkly cleavage. But he got caught looking and the girl went nutso. Called him out for being a skeeze.

Let me say it again. She had glitter. On her tits.

What she did isn’t an act of female empowerment. It isn’t a roundhouse kick to rape culture. She set a trap and blew a gasket when my friend fell into it. Hell, I would have fallen into it and I’m a straight woman. It happens more than you might think. Maybe not with glitter and nearly nipple, but it happens. And it is profoundly unfair.

I’m all for being proud of your body and carrying yourself with confidence. I try to teach my own 15 year old daughter how to do that everyday because I believe confidence in women is the single best defense against abuse and being taken advantage of in just about any situation she could encounter...and I want her to terrify boys so they leave her alone.

Confidence is also is an excellent weapon against shame. Shame being one of the main things my Christian feminists friends are kicking soundly and repeatedly in the groin. Praise Jesus.

But when a woman wears revealing clothing, then gets angry when men notice, that’s not cool either. It makes her a hypocrite.

Please save your hate mail for the end and hear me out.

When a woman goes after a man for noticing her deep v, that’s shaming him. Trading shame for shame is not a win for womankind, my friends. A woman can wear whatever she wants. More power to her. What she can’t do is expect men not to notice. Most men can regard her charms then move on. If she wears a micromini and claims to not want a reaction from men, I’m going to straight up call her a liar but I’m not going to call her wrong for wearing it.
Let me be clear. I am not saying wearing revealing clothing is an open invitation for men to grab you. You could wear a Frederick’s of Hollywood little bit of nothin’, walk down the middle of the street and that still wouldn’t give a man the right to touch you.

This isn’t that.

What I am saying is that if you are going to wear what could be legitimately called “suggestive”, then just own it. Most men can appreciate the way you look and not lust after you, but don’t shame them for their appreciation. If one comes on too strong or inappropriately, then by all means, have at him. Hard. But after you grind his nether bits into dust remember that empowerment comes from knowing your own worth and taking ownership of it, not from making others smaller.

Men are responsible for their own thoughts and actions. I don’t want to diminish that reality in any way. But women need to be fair in the way they choose to engage men; be it with clothing or attitude.

Women can wear whatever they like. I’m just asking that they not treat all men like predators when it gets noticed.

Okay, now you can send the hate mail.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Sharideth Smith blogs at A Woman’s Guide to Women: A Blog for Men, where she doles out relational advice with a heavy dose of sarcasm. You can find her on twitter at @Sharideth.

And just for fun . . . (profanity warning):

What i want you to know: parents of special-needs kids are not saints

noreply@blogger.com (ragingassistant) — Wed, 29 May 2013 12:54:00 +0000

My husband and I adopted a daughter from overseas who has special needs. She is significantly visually impaired, has epilepsy and is significantly delayed.

I want you to know that I am not a saint for wanting this child and it really burns my butt when you make me sound like one. When people tell me what an angel I am for adopting my daughter, it makes her sound like a huge burden. Otherwise, why would it be so noteworthy for me to love her? She's not a burden. She's a blessing. Every day, no matter what happens. Through the surgeries and the ER trips and the therapy visits. Through the tantrums and the tics. I cannot imagine our family without her. She gives more than she receives, you just can't see it.

She is blind and delayed, but she is not mentally handicapped. Please don't discount her because of some off mannerisms. She is actually very bright, but spending the first four years of her life in an orphanage in darkness made it hard to learn much of anything.

We know nothing about her biological mother. We don't know if she "did anything" to cause our daughter's disabilities. We do know that she lived in a terribly impoverished region. So while you may want to vilify her, don't do it in front of me. I am unendingly grateful to the woman who gave my daughter life, I love her for what she made for me, and I don't blame her for my daughter's disabilities.

No, there isn't a cure. No, she will probably never see like you and I. No, we are not raring for a miracle to restore perfect vision. If a miracle happens, we will celebrate. We do everything for her, medically, that we can. But the goal is not to change her and make her "normal." We love her "as is."

Sometimes, it's tough. Her needs are high and it can be stressful, but we are learning as we go and getting pretty good at handling it. The benefits far outweigh the pain, but sometimes I might need to whine and cry because it's tough. That does NOT mean that I regret it. It's just hard at times.

Visually impaired kids often explore the world with their mouths. Sorry if she explores something of yours.

Sorry if she grabs you without warning. She can't see you well, and she uses her hands to explore her world. Just be glad she wasn't using her mouth at that moment.

You have no idea how much more exciting the world is when every milestone is a big deal. You have no idea how rewarding it is to see a child brought back to life in your care. I see the whole world differently now. I appreciate things more. I love more openly. I'm fulfilled in a whole new way. I see miracles all around. Sometimes I feel sorry for people who don't get to see life from this perspective. You are really missing out.

Questions of Eternal Significance: Would you ever consider plastic surgery?

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Wed, 29 May 2013 00:08:00 +0000

I know this one can be a bit of a hot topic. I’m not considering plastic surgery at the moment . . . in fact, I’ve long been opposed to it. I live in Orange County, which is probably one of the global capitals of plastic surgery. It’s a very commonplace thing here, and honestly it’s one of the things I most dislike about where I live. I’m often dismayed by the fact that women here don’t seem to feel permission to just look their age. There are so many women here walking around with altered faces, giant lips, and perfectly circular breasts, and I’ve always said I didn’t want to be one of them.

I have to confess, though, that as I’m aging, I’m a little more empathetic on the plastic surgery front. My view now on plastic surgery is more in the “never say never” camp. While I don’t think I’d ever do a boob job or something to my face, I can certainly see the appeal of a procedure that would put the stretched-out skin on my tummy back in place. Then again, I’m a giant chicken. I’ve only had surgery once in my life and I nearly passed out every time I looked at the stitches. So realistically, plastic surgery is probably not for me.

I’m curious . . . what are your thoughts? Have you ever gone under the knife? Do you think you ever would? If you have children, has the example it might set for their own body image been a factor in your views?

TEDx Chapman University and Idea Camp: Human Care

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Tue, 28 May 2013 06:28:00 +0000

I wanted to share two upcoming events that I will be speaking at. A week from today, I will be giving a TEDx talk at TEDx Chapman. I’ve been a longtime fan of the TED Conference, and Mark and I have enjoyed watching TED talks on youtube for years, so it’s a thrill to have been invited to give one myself. I will be speaking alongside a roster of incredible speakers. If you are local and would like to attend, you can use the discount code INSPRE to get 50% off tickets.

Later this year, I will also be speaking at Idea Camp. The Idea Camp is a conference that facilitates conversations with leading thinkers and people in the field on how to best care for the vulnerable. Previously they’ve done Idea Camps specific to human trafficking and to orphan care. I attended the latter and felt it was one of the best conversations about holistic care that I’d been a part of, and was really helpful in shaping my views on adoption ethics.

The next Idea Camp will take a broader view, unpacking how differences of gender, race, mental health, and age influence our approach with others. I will be talking about adoption, and I’m looking forward to being a part of the conversation. It will be in Austin in late September and if you are interested in social justice, it’s a great event to attend.

tea collection: building a mix-and-match summer wardrobe

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 27 May 2013 11:10:00 +0000

It’s no secret I’m a huge fan of Tea Collection. They’ve always got such fun, fresh dresses for girls. The cotton is thick and durable and the prints don’t fade in the wash. My girls want to wear dresses every day so their causal cotton dresses and leggings are a perfect compromise. I also love the company values of Tea . . . they have a big emphasis on being good global citizens and designing clothes that are inspired from various places around the world.

In the past, I’ve bought a few dresses here and there, but rounded out most of their wardrobe from cheaper stores. Typically it’s the Tea Collection dresses that make it to the end of the season (and even into the next), and they are also some of the few dresses that look great as hand-me-downs two years later. Another plus: the dresses seem to transition well as they grow. India was wearing Karis’s size 4 accidentally the other day and we didn’t even notice until she took it off. Season after season, the few Tea dresses we’ve had are the ones I’ve always reached for, and the ones that seemed to avoid pilling, stains, or discoloration.

So this year, I decided I would build their wardrobe entirely from Tea Collection. I’ve gotten some pieces on sale, but I’ve also decided that, given how well they last, if I can buy fewer pieces it’s cheaper in the long run than buying lower-quality clothes that don’t last. (This idea of quality over quantity may seem obvious but it is the opposite of how I was raised in terms of clothing.) I also love that the designers at Tea make their pieces to be mix-and-match, so that if I buy everything there, it will all coordinate. For the summer, I bought each of the girls the following pieces:

So far, I’m pretty pleased with this decision. First of all, Karis has never been so coordinated since she started choosing her own outfits. Basically, anything she picks will match.

The girls like the dresses a lot, too. They are pretty and feminine but with the leggings underneath, they work well for days at the park or playing in the backyard.

The mix-and-match strategy is working well for us, and I think this may be how I shop from now on. It reminds me a bit of Granimals when I was young (remember those?). It’s a similar concept of clothing that all matches . . . but the execution is much better.

If you are interested in checking out Tea Collection, they’ve got a big sale on their dresses that’s ending today: only $15!

How do you typically buy clothing for yourself or your kids? Do you buy for the whole season at once or do you pick up pieces here and there? Do you go for quality or quantity? What are some of your favorite stores for kids’ clothing?

[disclosure]

Arrested Development Nerd-Out at Netflix HQ

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Sun, 26 May 2013 07:01:00 +0000

I am a huge, huge fan of Arrested Development. It’s easily my favorite television show in the history of television shows. It’s smart and hilarious, and it doesn’t hurt that the show is full of inside jokes skewering the ridiculous aspects of life in Orange County. It also holds a special place in my heart because Mark and I discovered the show during a dark period in our lives, when Mark was hit by a car and then spent the better part of a year in and out of the hospital learning how to walk again. There were points, during that ordeal, that I thought I had lost my sense of humor completely. But laughter is a potent medicine, and Mark and I would watch episodes of Arrested Development from the hospital, and later from a hospital bed in our home, and just laugh and laugh. As trite as it may sound to say about a television show, it reminded us that we could still find the fun in life, even in the midst of a crisis.

Like any fangirl of Arrested Development, I was really bummed when it wasn’t picked up past it’s 3rd season. Arrested Development had a fanbase of committed (obsessed?) fans but, like many great artists, didn’t receive mass acclaim until it was dead. In the last decade, there were constant rumors that the show might return, or that there might be a movie. And finally, Netflix made that fantasy a reality, gathering the full original cast for 15 new episodes.

Last week I was invited to Netflix headquarters to learn more about their new original programs, including Arrested Development. I think that’s the fastest I’ve ever returned an email. I was a wee bit excited, especially since it involved seeing an early screening of the first episode. And you guys . . . it was everything I ever hoped it could be an more.

Fortunately for me, I was not alone in my geeking out about Arrested Development. The other bloggers who attended were equally ~~psychotic~~ enthusiastic about the show. On occasion, I will attend a press event for bloggers and they will request my t-shirt size so that they can send me a branded t-shirt to dorkily wear alongside all of the other bloggers. This is how I usually respond to such a request:

But not this time. No one asked us to wear dorky matching t-shirts but WE BROUGHT OUR OWN. I think even the Netflix execs were taken aback by our pure nerdiness. And if you’re thinking that Heather and I acted like a couple of high-schoolers taking scissors to the neckline of our t-shirts to “flashdance” them up, you would be correct. We did. Unfortunately Charlie wouldn’t let us do it to his.

The night before we watched the premiere, Isabel, Rebecca, Heather, Charlie and I had a little slumber party with the cast of Arrested Development. Okay . . . the cast didn’t come EXACTLY. But they were there in our minds.

We had a blast acting like idiots and doing dramatic interpretations of our favorite scenes from the show. I cannot remember when I’ve laughed so hard.

Are you an Arrested Development fan? Did you watch it when it aired on tv, or did you discover it later? And more importantly . . . will you watch all 15 episodes right away, or will you try to space them out? Mark and I are “tv bingers” so I have serious concerns about our sleep schedule over the next week.

You can catch all 4 seasons of Arrested Development on Netflix NOW. This post was sponsored by Netflix, but all effusive feelings about the show are purely my own.

Walmart calls security on father of bi-racial children, issues non-apology.

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Thu, 23 May 2013 11:48:00 +0000

Yikes.

DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

This story is disheartening but not a total surprise, Our family has certainly been required to show documentation in situations where racially-matched families were not. What troubles me most about this story, though, is the chain of people involved . . . first a customer alerted security, then a security guy followed him out, then the police came to their house. One would think that somewhere along the line, someone would have said, “Wait, what?” But no.

Walmart’s reaction is less than stellar, too. First they blamed it on a customer (which holds about as much weight with me as when one of my kids disobeys because a sibling told them to do it). Then Walmart issued the following statement:

“There are still a lot of unknowns at this time and we are currently looking into the situation.”

Um, Walmart? Someone from your store reported an interracial family to the police. The appropriate response is “We’re deeply sorry. This was a horrible mistake.”

Unsurprisingly, the couple in question has stated they will never shop at Walmart again.

what i want you to know: a teen's perspective on a mom with two jobs

noreply@blogger.com (ragingassistant) — Wed, 22 May 2013 11:00:00 +0000

What I Want You to Know is a series of reader submissions. It is an attempt to allow people to tell their personal stories, in the hopes of bringing greater compassion to the unique issues each of us face. If you would like to submit a story to this series, click here. Today’s guest posts is by Sophie.

I happened upon this series of blog posts, and after reading this teen's story, I wanted to share my own. What that writer ended with was that you don’t realize what you had until you no longer have it—a very valid point. And for me, it’s the opposite—I won’t ever know what I could have, because I’ll never have it. I’m a sixteen-year-old girl, and this is my story of what it’s like to have a mom that works two jobs.

Growing up, life was great; my parents were happily married, my two older siblings (now in college) were great role models, my mother was a stay-at-home mom, my father owned a local bookstore and we thought we’d be set for life. We lived in luxury in a five-bedroom house and we had not only the things we needed, but also even things we wanted.

In 2002, when I was seven, my parents divorced. My dad moved to a small apartment in the same town, and my mom remained in the house that I grew up in, until one day she realized she could no longer afford it without getting a job. We downsized, moving closer to the schools and to a much smaller house. My mom had various jobs over the years that followed, while my dad kept his bookstore up. Long story short, February 2010 rolled around and with it, two unemployed parents—my parents. My dad said goodbye to his beloved bookstore, which he had owned for 21 years but which could no longer survive, and my mom left a job with a boss that barely paid her.

My 14-year-old, materialistic little heart sunk and money was constantly on my mind. What would all of this mean? Would we end up on the streets? I know my mom wasn’t trying to scare me, but her constant reminder that we must spend less and that she wasn’t sure if she could pay the mortgage or taxes was frightening. Gradually, as money got even tighter, we made adjustments—we went out for dinner less, skipped all big vacations, skimped on holidays and kept the heat low. About a year ago, she got a job at Starbucks. She makes about eight bucks an hour.

That quickly proved to not be enough to live on so for weeks, she searched for another job. No luck. Eventually, she found a small editing job, which she does right from home. With her two jobs, she works about sixty or seventy hours a week, and I work twenty at my retail job, which I’ve had for almost a year. There is stress, yes. There are times where we’ll fight out of exhaustion. There are weeks where we’ll go five days without sitting down for a meal together. And then on that night where our schedules don’t clash, it’s oh so sweet. I now realize how sacred our time together is and how lucky I am to have such a hard-working, strong-willed woman to call “mom,” even if I don’t see her as much as I’d like.

Mothers, I want you to know that if you’re a stay-at-home mom right now and can continue being one, go for it. It sounds pretty great—challenging for you, I’m sure, but great for the kids. And if you’re already a working mom, or need to start working, don’t fret it. Your kids will live! We’ve kissed our dreams of keeping our house perfectly clean and our dishes done goodbye, but we’ve also learned what really matters to our family, and that is love. And no matter how tight we are on money, or how hard we have to work, there will always be love. Life is hectic, tiring, and hard as hell at times, but I want you to know that in the midst it all, I have found happiness.

Questions of Eternal Significance: Do you unpack in a hotel room?

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Tue, 21 May 2013 11:59:00 +0000

Source: frostedpetticoatblog.com via The Frosted Petticoat on Pinterest

This has been an insane month of travel for me. It started with the Mom 2.0 Summit, then a few days later our trip to Disney World, and today I’m off to San Francisco for a couple days for work. I think, by the end of the month, I will have slept in a hotel more nights than I’ve slept in my own bed. This fact . . . is not my favorite.

I am a nester by nature. I love to travel but I also really like to settle in and put everything in it’s place. When I travel, I always, always unpack my suitcase completely. If I don’t, I find that I end up with a pile of belongings on the floor, and I struggle to find anything. As soon as I arrive in a new hotel room, I put things in their proper place: clothes in the drawers or hung up, toiletries in the bathroom, all in a row, and books on the nightstand. When I’ve roomed with friends, they have laughed at this particular ritual. Except for Sarah. She’s weird like me.

How about you? Do you unpack in hotels, or do you live out of the suitcase? What’s your strategy for hotel stays?

Two streams of the same river

noreply@blogger.com (kristen [rage against the minivan]) — Mon, 20 May 2013 11:39:00 +0000

This is a guest post by Shelley Clay, originally published on the blog for The Apparent Project. I read it last week and it so clearly articulated the thoughts I’ve been having about the polarity of thinking regarding international adoption and orphan care. Shelley graciously let me post it here. For a little backstory, Shelley and her husband Corrigan live in Haiti, working with The Apparent Project.This non-profit seeks to assist mothers and fathers in poverty keep their children, by providing them with a specialized skill, such as jewelry making, bookbinding, or sewing.

In Haiti alone, they are estimating around 380,000 children who are not living with their biological parents according to the latest UNICEF reports. We call them orphans.

Of those kids, many are with relatives. A common misperception in the adoption world is that Haitians, (and disadvantaged people of all kinds), don't take care of their own. Can I emphatically say that this is NOT the case in my world. Many of our artisans have children that they raise AS THEIR OWN that were given to them by a family member who died or just couldn't take care of them. This is very common in Haiti as well as many other disadvantaged people groups.

(including in North America).

It super irks me when we act like we are the only ones trying to help these children.

If they can't go to relatives, there are a variety of situations they can end up in.

They are on the streets (prostitution, trafficking etc.. ),
They are given as child servants (a restavek is a child given in domestic servitude to another family in exchange for shelter, food, and possibly a chance to be educated- although this can play out to be anything from a foster care like situation to pure slavery), or to orphanages.

Of all of the orphanages in Haiti, very few actually adopt out children. The children live in usually below poverty level situation ( much like when they were with their families), are not well cared for or loved the way they would be if they were with their moms, and will often end of with little hope for a decent future. Even GOOD orphanages have a hard time transitioning kids from orphanage life to the real world once they hit 18.

It is a tough job raising kids in bulk!

Some of the better orphanages in Haiti, many run by expats, do offer adoption and will offer this as one of the solutions for this horrific problem of orphaned and vulnerable children.

Of all the orphanages that offer adoption in Haiti, only about 200 kids get adopted each year. (see chart at the bottom). With new laws currently in the works, this number looks like it will be going down even further- not just in Haiti but all over the world. Too much corruption, child trafficking, and dishonesty has made specialists in the field- from the governments on down to the social workers feel it necessary to slow down in order to PROTECT vulnerable children.

Please hear me.

If your adoption is slow.

The powers that be aren't just having long lunch breaks.

They are literally more concerned about the 1000s of cases of unethical treatment of children and are bogged down with trying to decipher between legitimate relinquishment, abandonment, and true orphans and the corruption all over the place makes it hard to do that job well.

Now to get to the point. I find too often in my world that you have the pro-adoption and anti-adoption camps. The pro-orphanage and anti-orphanage camps.

This paradigm is completely skewed and doesn't make sense.

It's an illogical comparison.

If we have 380,000 vulnerable children and only 200 are even in process of adoption to the U.S. and maybe 200 more to other adoptive countries like Canada and France, then we have approximately 379,600 kids who ARE STILL VULNERABLE.

While I submit to adoptive parents to be careful where they adopt from, know that it will be one of the most challenging experiences they will ever face, and that they will most likely get their heart broken several times- both before and after the adoption is complete, let it be clear that advocating for a solution for the other 379,600 children is in no way anti-adoption or anti-orphanage.

WE are all working for the cause of protecting vulnerable children.

This is why we can all have different solutions to the same problem and be in harmony- and should be in harmony.

I myself have two adopted children.

I work tirelessly to help mothers be able to sustain their families. These are two ways that I work towards a solution- in tandem.

And I think that what those of us on the ground in the field are tirelessly trying to communicate to the rest of the world is that we NEED to prevent child relinquishment not because we are anti-adoption, but because we see this gaping hole in the side of the vulnerable people groups all over the world. This gaping hole is that parents need an opportunity to take care of their children. If we are called by God to help "the orphan" than with any brain in us, we can figure that helping prevent relinquishment helps the orphan. By nipping it in the bud. Any by help, I do not mean AID forever, but rather the dignity that comes through sustainable development- a JOB.

And here's the thing- we appeal to ADOPTIVE parents because we know that they are the most likely of all the people on the planet to want to help families stay in tact. Because they see that adoption is a redemption- not the first plan. That their kids have scars. And they want to help.

My point is that this should never be and adoption VS sustainability issue.

My point is that we can do it all in tandem- cooperatively and as individuals.

Let's adopt kids who truly need it. And let's help parents who wish to keep their kids find jobs, and let's buy products from Haiti, because stimulating the Haitian economy is helping families all over Haiti, and let's soak up some rays at the beautiful beaches of Haiti because the tourism industry is Hait's #1 chance for economic recovery. And let's support schools and feeding programs for children because it provides some reprieve for parents who are struggling to be able to make ends meet.

Let's do this thoughtfully and in a way that ultimately allows parents to keep their most precious and valuable gifts given to them.Let us love the orphan before she becomes one. And though we choose to adopt for now, do feeding programs for now, support schools for now, let's work tirelessly to make that ultimately unnecessary.

~shelley clay

One last word- while we all work together to solve this problem, we should also be willing to not tolerate vulnerable kids getting abused whether in birth families, as restaveks, or in orphanages. Period. If we know it is happening and we don't speak out to help. We are participants.

[adoption statistics]

You can more about The Apparent Project here.