RECRUM: Recovery Ruminations

Beacon of Hope

2009-01-19T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a YEAR since I blogged!?!? Holy mackerel, time flies!

There's all kinds of new buttons on Blogger I don't know how to use.

I have "follower", whatever the hell that is. Please stop by her blog and give her some good recovery-blog cheer!

I love you, too, JJ!!

So what's new with me? NOTHING! I am thriving in a drama-free, routine, just-for-today, yet busy, productive and hectic, lifestyle. My son is six, he lives with me half time. The ex and I are getting along great, we are joined at the hip in our passionate commitment to our son; and other than that we leave each other alone. (She has a boyfriend now, which helps A LOT! LOL)

I just celebrated my fourth AA birthday. And I have been free of nicotine for over a year. Thank you, God, for these gifts of Your grace!

I seldom make it to AA meetings these days. I've started going to a new Celebrate Recovery group. My old one was getting strange for me, since the ex was a regular. Plus, there were hardly any drunks, either -- quite a few self-identified "sex addicts" dragged there by their girlfriends who not only don't put out but don't want them masturbating, either. It got kind of creepy listening to these guys surrendering to their pussywhippedness. "Jesus doesn't want me to beat off." I'm as evangelical as the next reluctant Christian drafted by God as a result of recovery, but fercrissake... I took a hiatus from Celebrate Recovery and in the meantime a guy started going who became the ex's boyfriend. If I were to go back, it surely would make for some awkward moments in the group sharing. All in all, it looked like God was leading me elsewhere. So I was kind of out of the recovery community awhile. Then I got the idea to bring Christmas dinner to the guys at the sober living residence I lived in. I did, and one of the guys invited me to his Celebrate Recovery group. I love the way stuff like that happens, all the time, every time I make any effort to give back, to be of service: I'm always the one who benefits most.

I take nothing for granted. I'm genuinely grateful for every blessing God has given me. I haven't been active lately in AA, but I always remember that you guys in and around AA gave me a way to live a life worth living; and I try, every day, to practice the principles in all my affairs and carry the message, mostly by example, of living a good and great life, to everyone I encounter, because it's not just for us drunks. For example, our message beats hell out of the cold showers those poor "sex addicts" at CR are condemned to. Shit, don't even get me started on the homophobia the Saddleback curia attempts to parachute into CR -- fortunately, I haven't seen that get any traction at the CR grassroots, particularly among those of us grounded in AA.

Well, I'm just rambling here. Let this post be a beacon of hope to the newcomer: even when your sobriety begins to be measured in years, it is perfectly possible to remain as crazy and stupid as you were when you were drinking.

Rigorous Honesty

2008-01-01T15:44:00.000-08:00

It seems a good way to start the new year by implementing yet another form of rigorous honesty here on this blog.

For over three years, I have used an avatar that is not actually me:

This handsome gentleman is, of course, Bill W., co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. I admire him very much, and I do, honestly, try to live by the principles he and the other good oldtimers laid out for us.

He is also a lot better-looking than I am.

I think, though, it's time for me to have an avatar that reflects who I actually am, so that with a glance a reader can get a sense of how I really think and act. In the spirit of rigorous honesty, here is my new avatar:

I actually look more like this than I do like Bill, anyway.

Happy New Year! May God shower you with blessings throughout 2008!

Magic

2007-12-28T16:30:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone is having great holidays. I sure am! I was in Chicago with my son for Christmas with his Grandma and Grandpa. This was the first trip back there in three years. Three years ago today, I had just gotten back to California, after taking my son there for Christmas. Hmmmm...

(No, no, don't worry, I have a good chance of staying sober today. I have one of those pesky meeting commitments tonight, that always seem to get in the way of a quick bender.)

Anyway, it was one of the best Christmases I can remember. Seeing it through the eyes of a five-year-old brings out the magic of Christmas. I reluctantly gave up "magical thinking" when I got sober. You know: "If I do this one dramatic/decisive/astonishing/brilliant (i.e., ridiculous/crazy/stupid) thing, everything will get better and I'll be happy." I didn't have to do anything to make the magic happen this Christmas -- it just happened!

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It's been 34 days since I had a cigarette. Pretty soon I just may change my little smoking counter from hours to days.

I've frequented an online smoking cessation forum, and it helps a lot. I've hooked up with a few people, "Quit Buddies" they're called, and we stay in close touch by email. It seems to informally replicate some of the sponsor/sponsee relationship in AA. Except there's no steps, it's between equals, and none of my quit buddies has demanded that I wash their car or has asked to borrow money. Other than that, it's pretty much the same! LOL

Anyway, the forum reminds me of how much time I devoted to blogging in my early months of sobriety. I miss it! Why don't I get back to spending more time blogging with the wonderful recovering people in blogtopia!? Oh, yeah -- I have a job now. Oh, and 50% custody of my son. And then there's the fellowship commitments. I suppose these are all good things... but I still miss blogging with everyone! :)

Numbers

2007-12-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

I've played with statistics here before, and I tend to be pretty skeptical of statistics about prevalence of substance abuse. How do you define and measure recovery? How can you believe what an alcoholic/addict tells you about their alcohol/drug use?

That being said, I started wondering about smoking among alcoholics -- specifically, how many smokers are alcoholics/druggies? So I found some statistics.

I've seen statistics, and heard anecdotes and observed, that 80%-90% of alcoholics are or were smokers. Let's call it 70% for the sake of argument.

Government statistics indicate 21% of adults smoke. Let's call it 25%, since the respondents probably lied.

Now the really tricky piece: what percentage of the population is alcoholic/addict? This is pure guesswork, IMHO. I've seen guesses range from about 10% to about 25%. Let's call it 15%.

Okay, using these guesses: of those ten people freezing on the loading dock on their smoke break, four are alcoholics and/or druggies. That's right: crank through these not-unreasonable numbers, and you can expect over 40% of the smokers you see to abuse other substances.

I don't know about you, but I never really thought about smoking as an indicator of other addictions. Turns out it's probably not a bad clue that someone has serious problems with more than tobacco.

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Which gives me additional perspective on the smoking-cessation support forums on the web. The one at About.com is great, the people are terrific, it really helps me a lot. The approach is so different from 12-step recovery, though. I keep wanting to post, "Of course we can't quit, of course we relapse, of course we don't have the will-power, of course we're too weak to stop, of course we are picking fights with people. We're addicts and we're powerless!" There's no way I can approach cigarettes as anything but incinerated alcohol.

It's fascinating to me that 12-step recovery dominates overcoming every addiction you can name -- except smoking. There is, in fact, Nicotine Anonymous, but it has nothing like the status of 12-stepping for other addictions. Why do we turn alcohol, drugs, over-eating, sex obsession and codependence over to a Higher Power, but depend on self-will to overcome nicotine?

I'm not saying it's good or bad, it's just interesting that we, as a society and culture, treat nicotine differently. As for me, as I said, I have to 12-step my smoking or I'm lost.

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I've been reminded of some of our AA sayings about days and years. You sometimes hear, when an oldtimer relapses, "He had too many years and not enough days." I've heard, and said myself: "The years come easy. It's the days that are hard."

I've got my smoking counter on this blog in hours. My sobriety counter is in days, but I can only remember my days to the nearest hundred or so.

A day is a BIG deal to me again! :)

No Smoking. Inventory In Progress.

2007-12-04T14:19:00.001-08:00

This is the longest I've gone without smoking in years. Today is Day 11.

It reminds me a LOT of early sobriety. I don't know what to do with myself, because my routine is disrupted and I'm consciously not doing what comes naturally to me. I tell myself the familiar lies, and I still believe them: "Just one pack, then I'll never have the urge again." It's a good reminder to this alcoholic of how my brain works and that I can never, ever take my sobriety for granted.

I'm grateful to find myself putting recovery to work with smoking. I can recognize the lies I tell myself. I can take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time. I let God handle it, because I can't. I don't worry about smoking tomorrow. I'm a smoker, an addict, and smoking is what I do -- there's no reason to expect I won't smoke tomorrow. But I'm not smoking right now, this minute, and that's a gift from God and I will be grateful for it. I will pray for the willingness to let God handle it when tomorrow comes, too.

The obsession to smoke has not been lifted yet. It's good to be reminded how it was before the obsession to drink was lifted. And it's good to have the experience of having that obsession lifted, so I know it can happen with cigarettes, too.

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I'm leading a step study (which basically means I have the key to the room we meet in), and we're on Step Four. Last night we had an inventory-writing session. I looked at my first fourth step from three years ago for the first time since doing steps six and seven. How marvelous to look at the resentments and fears I had, to acknowledge them again, and to recognize how many of them I have let go of! I know I need to dig a little deeper, and get beyond the general feeling of relief and well-being I have since the recent resolution of the main issues of my divorce. Even so, it's gratifying to see this fourth step looks a lot like a tenth step.

It's astonishing. I don't work anything like a great program -- I think it's pretty half-assed, actually. All I bring to it is a little willingness, a little humility, a little service I do resentfully, some inconsistent gratitude. In return, I've been showered with blessings totally out of proportion to the effort and commitment I put into it. The blessings and miracles are so plentiful I end up hardly noticing them a lot of the time -- yes, take them for granted -- until I take a good look with something like a step-four inventory.

Recovery -- particularly AA and the doors it has opened -- continues to amaze me, surprise me and exhilirate me.

K-Fed and Me

2007-11-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

My divorce is coming to a head. It started about 6 months ago when the Qualifier hit me with a county child support suit -- from the agency that is designed to establish paternity and go after deadbeat and runaway dads. I coaxed her into dropping the suit and going to mediation. She bolted from mediation and reinstated the county suit when she discovered it wasn't all stacked to give her everything she wanted.

So I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. The Qualifier went ballistic when she was served. She really thought I would hold still while the county gouged my eyes out. She didn't really want to resolve anything -- she wanted child support as a single mom, and health benefits as a spouse. Every which way.

She hired the most expensive lawyer in town -- and this town is LA. She has the same attorney as Britney Spears is using right now in her custody case with Kevin Federline. But trust me, not nearly as much money. The attorney burned through her retainer on a response that basically argued that she's really, really pissed, she doesn't like me at all, and therefore I should have no access to my son. Then we went to the court's custody "conciliator" and the Qualifier agreed to everything I wanted -- which threw out everything her attorney did. Next week we will go to court to determine child support and property settlement. This is the property settlement equation: (0+0)/2. Meanwhile, my attorney got the county to drop their suit since it's all being handled in divorce court. Since she's out of money, the Qualifier is talking about going to court without an attorney.

It's kind of sad. Granted, next week is a long time away and anything can happen, but right now it looks like, three months and thousands of dollars in attorney fees later, she's going to end up with a much worse deal than I was ready to make with her when she walked out of mediation.

From what I'm hearing, Britney isn't making out much better than my Qualifier, either. Yo, K-Fed, you and me, dog! (Of course, Britney is the only one who can make this decision, but it looks to this alcoholic like the girl could use a program.)

I'll see how it all falls out, but I will feel bad if the Qualifier gets screwed. I have an idea of what a fair outcome would be, and I think my attorney may be good enough to produce an outcome more favorable to me than a fair outcome. Once I make allowance for my attorney fees, I would consider giving my son a gift, care of the Qualifier, in the form of a gift card to Target, or something like that. Just to make up some of the ground I think the Qualifier should, in fairness, get. Is that codependent? Cross-talk invited, please.

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Every now and then I hear someone taking a birthday token talk about the rough year they had, staying sober through divorce, illness, deaths of loved ones, and financial crisis. I'm always pretty impressed with that, wondering how they do it. Now, I'm a couple months from my third birthday, and if I stay sober each of those days between now and then, I'll be talking about staying sober through divorce, ongoing financial crisis, and job insecurity. I guess the other folks do it the same way I have: one day at a time.

What it shows me is that, these big life events are not enough to make me relapse. To take this alcoholic out, it will take something truly, momentously, insanely trivial. Divorce? Serene and calm. Financial crisis? Happy, joyous and free. My truck overheats? Look out below.

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My hit rate is going to skyrocket with all this (relevant and on-topic) blogging about Britney Spears and K-Fed. I bet I come out near the top of searches for "recovery blog life verse romans britney spears k-fed." It would increase even more if I brought up that other poor kid, Lindsay Lohan. Early 20's, on the slippery slope of substance abuse, keeps leaving rehabs, seems to want to stop, but not really. How many of us in the rooms don't have a story a lot like hers?? I wonder how I would have handled my early runs if I was famous and had way too much money. I pray that she -- and all the millions of other kids just like her, except they're broke and unknown -- will find her way in from the storm.

UPDATE-----UPDATE----- November 30, 2007 -----UPDATE-----UPDATE

Divorce court went as well as can be expected. The Qualifier showed up with TWO attorneys in tow. But the five of us sat in the courthouse cafeteria and hammered out an agreement acceptable to everyone. There are still a few loose ends to tie out in the next couple months, but custody and child support are settled. I'm delighted to have 50% custody. As I expected, financially the deal is much more favorable to me than what I was ready to agree to in mediation.

It's a HUGE relief. I've had a lot of anxiety the past few months. Having some resolution and reducing the uncertainty and chaos makes a big difference.

Wildfire

2007-10-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I happened to be in part of Southern California that was close to one of the fires, and I went to a meeting there. A lady compared the fire to herself when she was drinking, how similarly she affected the people around her, and I understood exactly what she meant.

You never know where the fire might start, but if the situation is just exactly wrong, it rapidly turns into an uncontrollable conflagration. Depending on the wind, one spot escapes without damage, and a few feet away is total destruction. Even if your own house is spared, it is terrifying, uncertain, and chaotic. You have to flee from it in a hurry, in a panic, instantly choosing a handful of precious items you can save. The air is poisoned for days. Rebuilding can take years, and the memory will never go away.

So many people had to respond to me the same way people have to respond to wildfire.

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My prayers continue for my neighbors in California who lost loved ones, lost homes, were injured, or remain in shelters. Grateful thanks to the firefighters whose courage and skill kept the injury and destruction to such astonishing minimums.

How It Works

2007-10-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it--then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol--cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power--that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. we asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than our-selves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Knuckle Under

2007-09-02T21:31:00.001-07:00

The last couple days have been one of those glorious moments when serenity and joy wash over me, for no particular identifiable reason. I've just felt good and happy. It's such a wonderful gift from God, to be willing to turn my anxieties and fears over to Him, and simply enjoy His grace like a walk in the sunshine.

Not that people and events around me are particularly going my way. In the middle of divorce and custody games, doing my best to help my 5-year-old adjust to spending nights with daddy, and his mom's unpredictability, while he deals with starting kindergarten next week. On top of which, the company I work for is coming apart -- the CEO was removed by the board this week, putting the medium-term independent existence of the company (and therefore my job) in doubt.

My response was interesting to observe. On one hand, there was one brief episode a few nights ago that I got the "fuck-its" and started thinking that a twelve-pack was a really good idea. (I didn't act on it.) Not a big deal, I get that now and then -- confirmation, if anyone is in doubt, that, yup, I'm still an alcoholic. I look at these urges as signals that I'm off-center, out of focus. Usually when I'm "off-center" it really means I'm putting Phil's will at the center, rather than seeking to align my will with God's will.

I realized that I was merely irritated with God's timing. I already have my hands full, Lord -- dealing with my job and career aren't on my schedule for another few months. I also realized, to my astonishment, that my irritation did not escalate to full-blown resentment toward my company, my boss, my wife, my son, the clerk at 7-11 or other innocent bystanders. Not even toward myself or God, my two favorite targets of resentment.

And I ended up just feeling good. I even filled out a prayer request card at church for the acting CEO, that God will guide him, and grant him wisdom, courage and integrity.

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I'm leading a step study, and so have the privilege of working the steps again myself. We're on Step Three, and I credit this step working on me for my strangely serene response to my circumstances. Until recently, I've looked at Step Three as telling me, "The party is over. There is no more fun any more. You have to give up all the stuff you want to do, and knuckle under to the demands of what God requires of you. It's time for obedience to the stuff you don't want." But my experience over the past three years is that, yes, I DO have to give up "what I want," but the outcome is not slavery and misery, but freedom and joy.

There's a popular Christian song that I now see as a marvelous Third Step prayer:

I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame...
I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain.
I'm laying them down
For the joy of the Lord.

When the Third Step suggests that I make a decision to turn my will and my life over, all it is asking is that I let go of the sorrow, shame, sickness and pain that Phil's Way demands I carry around. The care of God as I understand Him is nothing less than accepting the amazing, radical gift of freedom and joy that He has been offering me all my life. Step Three is not, as it turns out, a demand and requirement to be an obedient slave who will be punished for stepping off the straight and narrow. It is an invitation to conform myself, however imperfectly, to the person God desires me to be -- and God wants me to be happy, joyous and free.

Divorce Mediation

2007-08-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

This is what divorce mediation is like:

Imagine playing a board game with a child. When the child realizes the grownups aren't letting her win, she gets mad, tells them they're being unfair and ganging up on her, then tips over the table and runs away.

Back to square one, this time with adversarial representation.

It's been a lousy few days...

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At 8/20/2007 02:26:00 PM, Phil said...

Thank you all for your sympathy and support -- it really helps!

You know, it just deepens the truth of the program and the fellowship -- I'm not alone, I'm not unique, many have walked this path before me. That comforts me a lot. Just like with the booze, many have walked through the same storm and are now walking in the sunshine. If I follow in your footsteps, I will get to the sunshine, too.

And, once again, I find myself challenged to work the Third Step: how much of my will and my life am I really willing to turn over to the care of God? How much am I holding back, without even realizing it?

I continually discover more of myself that I have refused to abandon to God. I consistently practice insanity, doing the same things again and again expecting different results. I consistently base my actions on my fear, on my distrust of God and His purposes, believing in the face of all evidence that I have to do "this one thing" my way, because God's way will cause me pain, it won't work, not this time.

The truth is, I don't think any of you are walking in the sunshine now by acting on your fears, distrusting God, or indulging in "alanonic" behavior. If I want to join you in the sunshine, I have to follow in your footsteps by giving it up to God, do the next indicated thing, trust that God will make all things right if I surrender to His will.

Some hypocrite I know once told his sponsee: "You don't have to understand it. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to like it. You just have to do it."

Miracle

2007-07-04T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hi, everyone! Happy Independence Day!

I finally moved out of sober living last weekend -- 18 months (almost to the day) after I moved in, for what I planned would be a month or two. I've been looking for an apartment for a couple months, and getting kind of discouraged. I needed a place near my 5-year-old son's school (he starts kindergarten in the fall -- he graduated from preschool in a cap and gown a few weeks ago), where he could have his own room, in an area I felt safe with my son, that I could afford. I was starting to define "near school" rather loosely, becoming willing to sleep in the living room so he could have his room, and stretching my definition of "affordable."

Then, a couple weeks ago, I saw an ad for a place in the perfect location, a two-bedroom, and a rent at least $250 a month below market. I filled out the application, and I got it. My son is thrilled, he just loves it. He's very excited he can stay overnight with daddy. The place is perfect -- it even has drapes and a dishwasher.

I pray frequently, I'm a real 11th-Stepper. Normally I pray for knowledge of God's will for me, and the willingness and ability to carry it out. Last week, though, my prayer was, "God, give me the apartment." And, wow, He answered the prayer. I took it to be that my desire was aligned with God's purpose. Nevertheless, when I couldn't remember if there was a refrigerator, on my way to sign the lease I prayed, "God, let there be a refrigerator." Guess what -- there's a fridge! I shared this with the guys at my Friday group, and said that now I was praying that the cable company had left the service on, and that I would be able to pull internet service from an unsecured wireless network. The guys suggested I may be pushing it... (Although I'm willing to make the argument that cable companies are part of Satan's dominion and therefore God wouldn't mind me pirating service. I'm no theologian, but it makes sense to me.)

Seriously, though, it does seem miraculous, that this great apartment appears at a ridiculously low price, and falls in my lap, seemingly just so I could have the right place to live and take care of my son.

In the last 18 months I've struggled to get my work life back on track, struggled financially, struggled to be a good father, struggled to get along with my estranged wife. Sometimes it seemed I didn't have the resources to make it through the week. Maybe the gift God gave me in this struggling is recognizing that He gives me everything He needs me to have.

So I don't look at this miracle as a special favor from God, or some sort of reward for being such a great guy. I consider it something God needs me to have. He has His own reasons for providing me with what I want. I believe that God needs me to provide a good home for my son, for starters. I'm sure there are additional, less obvious, reasons that will unfold and become clear if I am willing to keep my eyes, mind and heart open to them.

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At the sober living I was at, every new guy who moves in writes an essay which he reads at his first weekly house meeting. The topic is, on one side of the paper, "What I Can Do For the House," and on the other side, "What the House Can Do For Me." I don't remember much of what I wrote a year and a half ago, but I do remember my expectations were way off target from what actually happened. So, as I left the house, I wrote about what I actually did for the house and what the house actually did for me:

What I Did For the House
I made my bed every morning.
I signed in and out every day.
I observed the curfew.
I did my chores.
When I did not do my chore and didn't have someone cover me, I paid the fine.
I cleaned up after myself.
I paid my rent in full and on time.
I served as house secretary.
I attended the weekly house meeting, and called the manager beforehand if I couldn't be there.
I tried to make each new man feel welcome, at home, accepted, and respected.
I tried to be a good friend: encouraging guys when they were having a hard time, celebrating their successes, sharing the journey of recovery, and enjoying our times together as house brothers.
I tried to be considerate and respectful of every man in the house.
I stayed clean and sober.
What the House Did For Me
It gave me an affordable place to live when I arrived in LA broke, jobless, and knowing only a few people.
It gave me friendships with men I love and admire greatly.
It gave me structure, discipline and accountability.
It showed me how to serve others.
It showed me how I'm the one who benefits the most when I serve others.
It taught me not to judge anyone by their appearance, circumstances or experiences -- only by the content of their character.
I learned that when I find out about a man's age, drug of choice, criminal record, ethnicity, material well-being, job, tattoos, haircut, clothing, experience in recovery, or length of sobriety/clean time, I have found out nothing of importance about him, nothing relevant to anything. I know nothing about a man until I see how he treats his fellows -- then I know everything about him that I need to know.
It showed me how small and insignificant my own problems and my own plans are.
It showed me in rich detail what addiction, relapse and recovery really are.
It made me believe in miracles.
I was accepted and loved by my brothers just as I am. I could take off my mask.
It showed me that God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves -- and that God chooses to use each of us as His instrument to help all of us -- and all of us as His instrument to help each of us.
I stayed clean and sober.

Kids' Church

2007-04-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

This isn't where I thought God was leading me...

A couple months ago I volunteered for Kid's Church, went to a day-long program for children's ministries hosted (but -- significantly -- not produced) by my church, and started going with my son every week. I was excited at first. I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know what to expect each Sunday, but that was okay. The weeks went by, and... I still didn't know what I was doing and I never knew what to expect. My role ended up taking boys to the bathroom, and being playground monitor when the kids' activity ended before church got out.

One of the things they said at the children's ministries program was never be alone with the kids: always have another adult, not related to you, present when you're with the kids. That way you avoid any risk of accusations where it's your word against the kids' word. "Don't put yourself in that position." It was almost tacit that all adults involved must be background-checked -- so obvious it was barely mentioned.

So... I was alone with the boys in the bathroom. I was alone on the playground, with up to thirty kids, pre-K to 5th grade, for 45 minutes at a time. I haven't been background-checked, I haven't been given any orientation. It got sprung on me: "Okay, everyone go out to the playground with Mr. Phil until church gets out."

Worse yet, there just isn't much going on. Usually the kids just watch a video. Every two or three weeks they have some hands-on activity. The kids, all ages, are all together, so whatever they do, it isn't age-appropriate for most of the kids.

My son doesn't like it. He won't go unless I'm there. I don't blame him. I don't like it, either. I started dreading going to church.

And yet I knew for some reason God had led me there. I'm not a teacher, I have no experience, I don't know how to set up a good Sunday School. Am I supposed to try to transform this kids' ministry into what my son needs? I wouldn't know where to begin.

I wanted to do this so I could participate in my son's spiritual life. But it had the effect that not only do I not want to volunteer, I don't want to send my son there. First, there's not much there to feed his spiritual life. Second, I don't want him in the care of a completely untrained person I know nothing about. Third, he hates it.

Where is God leading me with this? I think God wanted me to see clearly that my son is not getting what he needs from my church. It helped me rediscover and reinforce that there is nothing he needs more than spiritual development. It is the most important thing I need to give him. He needs it, and he needs it now. But I am hardly equipped to do it myself. I don't have the spiritual maturity or the teaching skills to do it. I need my church to provide the tools, and they aren't there. I can't let my son wait until they maybe appear at my church, or until I somehow figure out how to do it all myself.

So I'm researching alternatives. Ironically, my participation in my church's children's ministry is leading me away from my church. I'm not planning to abandon my church altogether, but I have to find something for my son. I found a nearby church that looks promising on paper. They have a good size Sunday School, and it meets at a time that I can take him there, then go to my church for "regular church." They also have a weekday evening for kids his age. I'm going to try it, and see how he likes it and I like it.

-------------------------------------------

I acknowledge, but don't apologize for, this post not having specifically to do with "recovery." A couple things I've heard at meetings come to mind: "If it comes out of an alcoholic's mouth, it has to do with alcoholism." And, "I have problems in areas of my life today that before I didn't have areas." Without recovery from alcoholism and daily surrender to my Higher Power, I never would have been able to recognize the utter criticality of my four-year-old's spiritual life and development. Even my willingness to recognize I'm incapable of giving him, all by myself, everything he needs; my willingness to question the comfortable certainty that my church is giving me what I need, thank you very much, so it must be just fine for my son, too -- these are gifts from recovery.

I'm grateful for these gifts, for these hard blessings. It's been very difficult for me to be grateful lately, I've had a difficult time with prayer, haven't had easy conversations with God. Too many resentments, too much self-pity, not enough trust and faith, not enough patience. Too many aspects of my life not going the way I want them to go, when I want them to go. No need for me to write all the details, they've already been written in the 12X12...

I've been roped into leading a step workshop, starting next month. At my church. Not AA, but AA's steps, the real deal, not made easier and softer to suit your average Protestant's taste. This is a good thing. I can think of a million things I'd rather do, but this is what I need to do. If anyone else in the workshop benefits, that's great, but I'm doing it because I need to do it.

"A Shout Out to the HNT Crowd"

2007-02-08T16:35:00.001-08:00

A couple weeks ago I celebrated my second AA birthday at a big Saturday night speaker meeting. The meeting is recorded and my plan was to get a CD and post my share here, so you all could have the benefit not only of my wise and inspiring words, but my resonant baritone, as well. I missed the next week's meeting and didn't get the CD, so, like almost all my plans the past two years, this one didn't pan out, either. I trust that, as with all my other foiled plans, it will work out just fine to type it. :)

It was a great birthday, by the way. A lot of my friends came to support me -- even my pastor showed up! My son was there, and so was my Qualifier -- er, estranged wife.

Here's roughly what I shared:

Phil, alcoholic. I'm grateful to be here tonight, grateful to be sober two years! (pause for wild cheering and applause)

You know, when the good oldtimers wrote in the Big Book that the alcoholic has a "spiritual malady," they were talking about me. Because I have a birth defect. I was born with a God-shaped hole in my soul.

Until I came to these rooms, it never occurred to me I might have this problem. Oh, I knew I had problems. I was besieged by problems. It seemed I was always out of work. My marriages kept collapsing. I was always buried in debt. Everything and everybody were my problems. Everything except alcohol -- everybody except me.

Today, my life is a lot simpler, and my problems look a lot smaller. Thanks to you guys and a few simple suggestions you gave me. The same simple suggestions the good oldtimers handed down to all of us. (gesture meaningfully at 12 steps poster)

You showed me a way to have a better life -- a good life -- a life I want to have.

You showed me a way to finally let go of my futile, endless attempt to fill up my hollow soul with beer.

You showed me a way to let God into my life -- a power outside of my own will, bigger than me, who loves me and meets me wherever I am -- a God who nourishes and enriches my spirit extravagantly.

Thank you for these gifts -- thank you so much!

Thanks especially to my brothers at Progress House -- you guys are awesome. My brothers and sisters at my Friday night group -- you're the lifeblood of my recovery. A shout out to the HNT crowd*. I love all of you.

God bless everyone here tonight -- God bless the millions in our fellowship -- and God bless the alcoholic who still suffers.

I'm an alcoholic, my name is Phil. Thanks for letting me share.

*Yes, I really did say that. It was my way of thanking all of you in this marvelous recovery community in blogtopia (whether you actually participate with naked pictures or not!) Who knows, maybe some of you were there. :)

Road Warrior

2007-02-06T20:04:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't have done a geographic to southern California if I wanted to be on Long Island in February.

This is my first business trip since getting sober. I was dreading it. I got so burned out on travel before. Getting up in the middle of the night, making my way to the airport, carrying heavy bags, going through security, the horrible air in the plane -- I was always completely frazzled by the time I got to my room, found a liquor store and started looking for strip clubs.

Well, the liquor store and strip club weren't on the agenda this time, but the rest was. And needless to say, by the time I reached my room I was... just fine, thank you! They must have done extensive customer service training at TSA. And they've improved the air on the planes a lot. The ordeal I anticipated was no sweat. I'm doing some work in my room, went to dinner with colleagues, and I'm prepared for the meeting tomorrow.

I'm really grateful they've been working so hard to make business travel less awful since I quit drinking.

It's a Wonderful Life, or, For Whom the Bell Tolls

2007-01-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

Did you hear a bell ring?

The famous old movie tells us that when a bell rings, another angel just got his wings.

Christmas is over, so it means something else: another drunk just got health benefits. :)

I got a job offer today, a good one, at the place I've been temping for 6 months. One year, almost to the minute, after I moved in to sober living.

This recovery thing works. Very slowly for some of us. But it works.

Routine Mendacity

2006-12-29T15:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever told a lie so routinely, so continuously, for so long that you didn't even recognize the lie any more? No? Liar.

In the spirit of rigorous honesty, I have reset the little cigarette recovery timer in the upper right corner to zero.

No, it's not my only routine and continuous lie.

No, I'm not going to tell you about the rest of them. Unless you want to be my sponsor. And if you want to be my sponsor: no, I will not wash your car, give you rides, or lend you money.

I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me share.

Time for a smoke break.

Don't Be Afraid

2006-12-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's -- not easy days for this alcoholic. 'Tis the season for resentment, regret, self-pity, anxiety. And fear. Lots of fear. 'Tis the season for relapse.

Two years ago this week, between Christmas and New Year, I started my last relapse. Today, two of my best friends from sober living, both junkies, are barely hanging on, skittering toward homelessness and jail since they started getting loaded again after Thanksgiving. Scary stuff.

My son went with his mom out of town for Christmas, so I was by myself. Alone, broke, seeing the decorated houses and the ads on TV that demonstrate clearly that everyone else in the world is spending a joyful Christmas with extended family and giving each other expensive gifts. Me, I had wrapped up desperately needed new clothes for my son as his gifts, along with some cheap toys and books. This is not a Norman Rockwell painting. My material and family circumstances are no better, even worse in some ways, than last year and the year before.

And yet...

It felt different this year. Something really has changed. Slowly, inch by inch, recognizable only at mileposts like this and looking back a year or two, something has changed. Every day is a good day. Some days I have a bad attitude -- resentful, regretful, self-pitying, fearful. At some point in the last couple years, I've come to accept that the problem is not with the world, not even something wrong with me, but with what I think and feel about the world and myself.

One tangible difference this year is that I went to church on Christmas Eve. Going to church is part of my routine now, and there is nothing more natural than spending part of Christmas with my friends I worship with.

What I came away from the service with was what the angel said to the shepherds: “Don’t be afraid, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy." My fear melted away, my resentments and self-pity turned to gratitude. For Christians and non-Christians alike, there is no question that the message of Alcoholics Anonymous is good news of great joy. When we hear this good news, we can be, just for today, joyful and hopeful, without fear. I don't have to relapse today. I can let my thoughts and feelings get out of the way, and accept that today is a good day.

Why Drunks Love Halloween

2006-10-31T08:12:00.000-08:00

We wear masks so no one can see who we really are.
We walk right up to people and take goodies from them.
If we don't like someone, we egg their house.

(acknowledgemen to Greg W.)

Accountable

2006-10-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

I had to add a new counter in my profile. I can't keep smoking. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and cigarettes are keeping me sick and tired.

I've been fighting a sinus infection/bronchitis for over a month. I'm tired and dragged out all the time, and my brain is mushy. Sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose all the time. I can't shake it, I don't have the energy to find a job with more money so I can get my own place where my son can be with me, and pay an attorney to finally get divorced. I want to sell my truck to get some money, but first I have to get money to fix the driver side window that broke because I was opening and closing it constantly while smoking. So I have these obstacles to moving forward in my life, not to mention just plain feeling like crap. Cigarettes seem to be a significant factor in keeping these obstacles in front of me.

I'm not happy about this. I don't really want to quit smoking. It's not a good time to stop. After all, there hasn't been a good time to stop in the last 25 years, so there's no reason to think this is a good time to do it. I stopped for a couple days, and one day, over the past week, but went and got a new pack each time.

It's a lot like quitting drinking. Every excuse in the world, destroying my life, making me sick, wanting to, not wanting to, and the craving sets in and I'm a powerless slave to nicotine. The difference, for me, is that smoking has never wrapped itself around my soul and spirit like alcohol did. Smoking has, though, taken over my body and brain chemistry more thoroughly than alcohol did.

There's a Nicotine Anonymous group I think I'll try. My experience with smoking is similar enough to my drinking that I think it will help.

Holding myself accountable will also help, I think. That's why I put the counter in. You'll notice it's hours, not days -- hours, I'm afraid, are the time increments I can deal with. It puts my sobriety day counter in new perspective. At this point, I'm striding effortlessly across vast tracts of sobriety time, months racking up fast. I haven't forgotten my earliest days and hours of being sober, though, and cigarettes remind me of them. As they say: years come easy, but days come hard.

So the counter puts me out in public in front of my on-line recovery friends, and now I'm accountable to you for it. Am I grateful to you for this? Hell, no. I hate you all for it. ;)

Newcomer

2006-09-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

Not to worry, I'm not a newcomer to AA again -- the 590-odd days in that little counter thingy are still, by the grace of God, accurate. Ain't nuthin' gonna make me take a drink today. And, if I chose to worry about it today, ain't no way God will turn his back on me tomorrow.

I'm a newcomer to that other 12-step program -- the one for families and friends of alcoholics. I'm not real comfortable going into a lot of detail about my "Qualifier" (my favorite al-anon jargon so far), but let's just say I've become very concerned about my son's welfare and safety. My 4-year-old son was the victim of "playing doctor" with the 7-year-old girl (whose mom is an aging party-girl drunk, whose dad is not in the picture, you know the routine) who lives next door to my Qualifier, that crossed the line into sexual abuse. A couple weeks after finding this out, my Qualifier was too drunk one night to take care of my son. The light finally went on inside my (knuckle)head.

It's pretty easy to look at my Qualifier's drinking, compare it to my own, and say, "Phaw!! You call that drinking!?!?" My Qualifier seems to share my view -- when I raised the issue of her drinking, she offered well-thought-out reasons why this kind of drinking is not a problem, because it's not that kind of drinking. She clearly has given it some thought, and concluded everything is fine.

Oh, and she went ballistic, too.

So now I'm a newcomer in al-anon. It's real familiar in a lot of ways. It has resurrected the feelings I had as a newcomer in AA, but had forgotten: absolutely hating the fact I was where I needed to be. Not having a clue what these people are talking about. Wanting to gouge my eyes out rather than go to another fricking meeting. Really impatient that they aren't giving clear instructions. "Okay, yeah, I'm powerless over my Qualifier's drinking, let go and let God, got that... now, HOW DO I MAKE HER STOP!?!?"

The last few days I've started remembering how I got past it in AA. Surrender. God, I hate surrender...

One of these days I'll be making enough money to move out of sober living and have a place my son can stay with me. I'm astonished I've had to stay there so long, but walking through the consequences of my financial irresponsibility and checkered employment record has **ahem** delayed my prosperity. I'm getting there -- I'm in better shape than I was a few months ago, and employers seem to value that I now show up to work every day.

Patience is hard. My natural inclination is to do something dramatic and decisive to solve everything at once. My new friends in al-anon are wet blankets about this approach, just as much as my old party pooper friends in AA.

So I guess I'll just keep coming back and try not to do anything irretrievably stupid.

Startled

2006-04-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

I heard something startling at a meeting the other day. Now, this in itself is unusual. I've seen everything, heard everything, I know everything there is to know about alcoholism, AA and recovery. Because I'm an oldtimer. I've been in and around the rooms of AA for over 20... uh, months. So I know it all.

A speaker was riffing on Step One and the theme of powerlessness. He got sober at some inpatient program where they tried to provide a "toolkit" to the drunks so they could manage the urges and temptations to drink once they got out. He got out, went to AA, got a sponsor, and talked about the "toolkit" with his sponsor. His sponsor said, "Toolkit!?! There ain't no tools to stop drinking. You're powerless."

This pulled me up short. I have always thought in terms of the "tools" AA gives me, and from sharing I hear in meetings I'm not the only one.

[One thing I have learned is that if I hear something I disagree with, I ought to pay close attention.]

In a real sense, AA is an "anti-toolkit." I frequently walk in to a meeting with a head full of plans, schedules, agendas, expectations and other ridiculous fantasies about how I'm going to have better control of my life. I'll get a decent-paying job so I'm not going backwards financially, I'll be able to afford to move out of sober living, get divorced, get 50% custody of my son, ask that chick at the Thursday night meeting out on a date (you should see the, uh, RECOVERY this girl has, I mean she is soooo, uh, SOBER!), buy a condo, then buy investment properties, get rich, etc., etc., and never have another problem in my life. I got it all figured out. I just need a few more tools and then I'll control my destiny.

In the course of the meeting, or reading the Big Book or 12X12 or As Bill Sees It, I'll be reminded again that I'm not in charge, that God is in charge.

"Okay, Phil, put down the monkey-wrench."
"But, but, it took me so long to craft this monkey-wrench, just let me throw it into the works -- I have it all planned!"
"Put down the monkey-wrench and put your hands in the air. Palms up."

So, yes, we have a lot of "tools" in AA. We bring them to meetings with us, and throw them away with the cigarette butts and coffee cups.

The processes and activities we practice in AA are designed not so much to put tools in our hands, but to make us empty-handed -- so our hands are not cluttered with monkey-wrenches, not balled into fists, not under our behinds with our thumbs you-know-where. We can't build our sobriety, we can't fight for it, we can't earn it, we can't do anything to own sobriety. We hold out our empty hands and accept it, on a daily basis, as a gift from our Higher Power. (Next time you reach out to a newcomer, take a look at your hand.) We "practice these principles" not to build tools for living, but to strengthen our willingness to accept the free gift of life.

I sure don't own my sobriety. The "spiritual awakening" is not something I did once and now have with no further ado. At least a dozen times a day I have to shake myself awake once more, remind myself simply to accept God's will, that my part is to conform myself as best as I can to God's will even if I don't have a clue, and then to stop worrying.

CoDe Breaking

2006-02-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'll try to post this when I can pirate an unsecured wireless network.

There's been a lot of ups and downs since moving to LA two months ago. Still in sober living, and it's going okay. Some frustrations, primarily about lack of a quiet spot to read, write, blog, and just experience quiet. The guys are okay. For the most part, respectful, trying to get clean and sober, trying to get their lives together. There's a core group of about a dozen right now. At least half a dozen have come and gone, sometimes not even lasting a night. Most of these guys have had problems with the law, and most have addictions in addition to alcohol, the most common, and most awful, crystal meth.

We have kids that are still teenagers. I'm sort of "Uncle Phil" to one kid. I taught him how to do laundry. (!) The last guy in is 21, just out of jail, never been in recovery. His first day there, I gave him a Big Book and 12X12, and inscribed them with his name, the date, and a reference to the Promises. I figured, he may not last the night, and if he goes I want him to have them to take with him. He's made it a few days, so we shall see.

All in all, I benefit from the experience, strength and hope of my housemates, from the responsibility and accountability. Nevertheless, I'm ready to get my own place as soon as I can afford it! :)

----------------------------------------------------

I can't afford much of anything right now. I'm a temp. I got my first assignment the day after I registered, a 3-day gig that lasted 6 weeks. The client, a small business, talked about hiring me, wanted to tie my compensation to the growth of the business, which was cool with me. After a few weeks it was clear the office was so chaotic there was no way the business would grow. So I left. Unfortunately I'm still "on the beach" and sweating bullets about finances.

From a practical standpoint, leaving the assignment may have been a doubtful move. From a recovery standpoint I think it may have been a great step forward. I could have stayed, believing that I would go to work one day and everything would be completely different -- the owner would see the obvious, that his business was a catastrophe, and would support me in straightening it out. God knows I've spent my career doing just that. "Just that" being, believing in pretty stories against all evidence, and not believing what is right in front of my eyes.

The word I've heard used for this type of insanity is "codependent." About a year ago, in my first 90 days sober, I read a book about codependence. It was another "moment of clarity" in my journey -- it was as much a biography of me as the Big Book is. At this point, the issues of codependency have been bubbling to the surface rather naturally. Maybe it's partly from living in a sober house, watching guys relapse with regularity. I can't afford to relapse, so I can't afford to be anything but honest with myself, I can't afford to nurture self-pity or resentment. So I can't afford to buy into anyone else's bullshit, any more than I can my own. When I see someone relapse, or let his business go to the dogs, I have to choose not to go down with them, and recognize I can't "save" them. I have to recognize it's sad, and pray for them, and be thankful it's them and not me.

----------------------------------------------------

Needless to say, this codependency challenge is hardest for me when it comes to my wife. She's just as unpredictable as ever, flipping from reasonable and supportive to a hateful, spiteful, self-righteous liar, cheat and thief, in a few hours. I try to remember she's sick, and pray for her, but I'm not immune to the hurt she causes me, and the fear of damage she could do to my son and/or my relationship with him. I've found myself being less accomodating toward her, placating her a bit less.

Does my behaving differently have an effect on her behavior toward me? Not one little bit. Which just reinforces the truth of what AA teaches me: "Do the right thing and trust God." Or, as my church teaches: "Do all things as unto the Lord." I'm as powerless over the people and things around me as I am over alcohol. I can't change change or control my wife any more than I could change or control my drinking. If she chooses to play God in her own life, I can't do anything about it. My responsibility is not to let her crowd out God in my life.

Better her than me.

----------------------------------------------------

Saving the best for last: my son is doing fine. :)

I love seeing him just about every day, and he loves it, too. He keeps asking to come to Daddy's house. I can't bring him to where I live, so my "quality time" with him depends heavily on whether my wife despises me on any given day and will allow me to spend time with him at her place. So I'm VERY eager to be able to afford a place of my own!

Gratitude

2006-01-16T08:06:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful to be sober today. Just another day of sobriety, another daily reprieve from slavery to alcohol, is a miracle. I'm grateful to God for His mercy and grace in granting me this gift today.

By chance, by the steady cycle of earth's rotation, it happens that this is the 365th consecutive day of sobriety for me. So, today is my first AA birthday. :)

I pray that I will remain sober for the rest of today, and that tomorrow I will remember what I had to do today to stay sober. The rest will work out, according to God's design.

If anyone with fewer days of sobriety is wondering how to make it a year, the answer is simple: one day at a time!

Productive

2006-01-13T12:34:00.000-08:00

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind words of encouragement! It really helps a lot. :)

Things are not bad at all. I am actually posting this from work -- yes, that's right, work! I resgistered with an agency Monday and started a gig Tuesday. And they keep wanting me to come back. It's not a huge amount of money, and I'm a temp, but it feels good to be productive and valued by an employer. It's remarkable how different it is to go to work in the morning without a hangover, and without having to drink oceans of coffee both to keep myself awake and to cover my stale beer breath.

My living situation is going fine, too. I actually like it more than I anticipated I would. I figured, just knowing how I am, that I would spend the first couple weeks absolutely hating it and kicking myself for doing it, then settle in a bit and accept it. But I've found I do accept it, and I'm benefiting from my brothers in the house. If I stay 2 or 3 months, I'll probably leave with 2 or 3 lifelong friends. It's inconvenient, I find myself resenting rushing from work to spend a few minutes with my son, and rushing to the house to make my curfew. Then do my silly chores, vacuuming a clean rug and windexing a spotless glass table. So, obviously, it's good that I'm living there. :)

Last night I did the rushing around, a bottle of bleach leaked in my truck, and my son was utterly blase about seeing me. I mentioned the bleach to a guy at the house, and he pointed out I should be grateful to have a truck. He was right, of course, and I agreed, and added that I'm grateful for bleach, too.

Today I realized I felt hurt that my son has been blase and matter-of-fact when he sees me the past few days. I'm accustomed to him being excited and thrilled to see me. Well, since he would go a week or two without seeing me, of course he was excited. Now he sees me every day, and it's part of his daily routine. And that's why I'm here -- to see him every day and be a part of his routine. So why should I feel bad that he responds to it as a routine thing? :)

I really do have a lot to be grateful for, and I'm aware of the countless blessings God has given me. Every day, it seems I'm a little more happy, joyous and free than I was the day before. Can it get any better than that???

Bless you all, my friends! I'll post again when I can.

Sober Living Like a Drunk

2006-01-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

I'm actually writing this at my wife's place. She's been reasonably okay with me being around and doing some stuff at her place.

It's great seeing my son every day. He keeps asking to go to my house -- he doesn't quite understand I don't live there any more.

So, I'm at sober living. It's pretty grim. It's clean, the guys are okay (with one exception), but it's old and worn out, and crowded. I HATE having to be in at a certain time, there isn't much to do. There's three TV rooms, but no quiet, decently-lit place to read. So I go to bed early and get started early.

My priorities are to get a job and sell my truck. I got my resume together, but I can't find my contact names, addresses and numbers to save my life. Or my truck title. They're somewhere in storage. And storage is a freaking disaster.

I hate living like a drunk. Almost a year sober and I'm still living like a drunk. Just moving to LA has given me a lot of clarity where I am in recovery. Step Six. I'm trying to be willing to let God remove these character defects I have nurtured and cherished for so many decades. And humility to ask God in Step Seven. Willingness for six; humility for seven.

I don't WANT to be in sober living; but I want to want being there.

I can't bring my son there. Well, I can, but I won't. The first night I was there, one of the guys was talking about what another guy said to his fiancee: "What would you think if I stole a pair of your panties, and a pair of your 4-year-old daughter's, and mailed them back to you anonymously?" That's all I needed to hear: my son is going nowhere near there!

Well, back to job-hunting. I'll post again when I have a chance.