Rae Lewis-Thornton: Diva Living with AIDS

Cover Stories that Make Me Proud!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 02 Feb 2023 15:56:00 +0000

I’ve been off the website for a while- actually I’m in the process of developing a more modern site. In the meantime I thought I would share my most recent magazine covers. God continues to open doors and create space for me to tell my story and I’ll do it as long as I’m still here. By the way, my health is really really good. Check out the articles. I’ve provided the links. Love Y’all! Rev. Rae

December 2022, Cover of Real Health Magazine

The January 2023 Cover of POZ Magazine

HIV and The Journey to Zero: The Documentary Film

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 02 Feb 2023 15:36:00 +0000

I’m so honored to be included in this Documentary Film. “HIV and the Journey Toward Zero” is a new documentary directed by Emmy award winner Chan Smith and produced by Chicago Department of Public Health and Tessa Films in partnership with Getting to Zero Illinois and other city and community partners.

The premiere is on Tuesday, February 7th! Get your (free) digital ticket to the screening (HERE)

The end of the HIV epidemic is possible within our lifetime. What does that mean to our culture, our survivors and our society? Come see this awesome documentary.

I’ve lived with HIV since 1983. I learned I had HIV in 1987. I went public with my HIV status on the cover of Essence Magazine in 1994. By then the number of HIV cases has sky rocketed in among Black people. Today, 40 years later Black people continue to bear the burden of HIV. Can we get to zero??

View the trailer for HIV and the Journey to Zero and then RSVP for the premiere

Rae Lewis-Thornton Interview on WGN Morning News

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 17 May 2022 02:10:00 +0000

I was on the morning news discussing the release of my memoir #Unprotected:A Memoir. 📕Book release May 18th on sale at @barnesandnoble and @amazon now!

In my interview with WGN I explain the different layers of my life in my memoir. From childhood trauma to taking to first generation HIV medications.

I hope that you will purchase my book!

Unprotected: A Memoir First Book Discussion !

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 17 May 2022 01:51:00 +0000

My memoir Unprotected: A Memoir releases May, 18th at book retailers nationwide. For sure you can get it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online. It is also available on Amazon Kindle and Apple and Nook are coming letter this week.

I’m honored to announce my first book discussion will be held with Dr. Thema Bryant, best selling author, minister and the president of the National Psychological Association.

The discussion will take place on both Rae Lewis-Thornton’s Facebook Fanpage and YouTube Chanel. Wednesday May 18, 2022. From 11:00-Noon

Still at Awe!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Sat, 30 Apr 2022 02:49:00 +0000

Finally! My long awaited memoir is being released May 18, 2022. Pre orders went on sale yesterday at Barnes and Noble. When I began writing this book I had know idea that it would take me three years, but it did. I relived the trauma of my childhood to get this story on paper. There were many painful days, but God saw me trough. I did it because I knew this was an ordained direction my life was to take, my prayer is that my story will help enrich the lives of others. You don’t have to be bound to the horrible things that were done to you as a child and I’m a living example.

Unprotected: A Memoir is Rae Lewis Thornton’s captivating story of what happened to her as a child and how it helped to shape the trajectory of her life. Living in a continuous cycle of trauma—rejection, violence, and childhood sexual molestation with no one to protect her, Rae’s abnormal environment becomes her normal existence. By the age of 24, she is diagnosed with HIV.

Rae chronicles her journey from HIV to AIDS and situates her life in the dichotomy between the early days of the AIDS pandemic and as a major force and political organizer formnotable giants in politics. Rae’s transparency and self-awareness are both shocking and heartfelt. Today, almost three decades after Essence and four decades of living with HIV, Rae tells all—the trauma that shaped her life, and how she survived the odds and continued to soar with a broken wing.

What’s so awesome- well my memoir became a Best Seller on Barnes and Noble. Let me pause, if you sale 5000 on Barnes and Noble, they will put it in the store. Thank would be awesome. I have to keep the momentum going. The memoir is also number one on Amazon in New Release in AIDS. This all happened in 24 hours. That’s unheard of for a self published book. I’m still at awe. But, here’s the thing. To become a National best seller you have to tell 5000 in one week and pre-sales help. It’s almost like the movies where it has to be a weekend blockbuster or not. So I’m asking you to support me. Purchase my memoir and then purchase another one for someone you believe my need to read it. Thanks to everyone who has already purchased. I always say and it true- I cannot do it alone. Namaste

A Journey Into Self!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 04 Jun 2019 14:55:00 +0000

Writing my memoir is an incredible journey filled with discovery of self. I'm sure for those of you who journal it would be similar if you picked up an old journal, say from fifteen years ago and re-read it. Well that's how writing my memoir has been for me.

Looking back, for most of my life, I understood that my childhood had been riddled with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. But it was always as if I was on the outside looking in.

Even the first version of this memoir that was under a book deal with a big time publishing house. I put a lot of information in that first manuscript, but I did not unpack not one story. Maybe I just needed to get it all out of me as a base line. Or maybe I was also protecting myself, from my own story. Let me tell you, walking head on into a deep black hole of abuse is no easy task. You have to have a lot of nerve and equal strength to examine every horrible thing, but at the same time not allow it to consume you. I believe that I could not have done this that first time around.

I know for sure that the first book was riddled with crazy and that is always a sign. My first ghost writer who was a former editor at a magazine that I was suppose to trust quit, leaving me high and dry because the advance wasn't enough money for her liking.

But truth be told, under pressure, she couldn't do the job. Before the book was sold, another major publishing house asked us for a sample chapter and rejected her efforts two times, like what the fuck is this? As a result, my literary agent said it lost us a six future book deal. He was royally pissed, especially since literary agents get their payment up front.

Then, my second writer, could deliver a sample chapter, but after about five chapters it was clear that she couldn't complete the task. It read like a six year old had written that bull shit. I fired her and she walked away with the ten thousand dollar advance that I had given her up front in good faith.

My back was against the wall. I had to deliver this manuscript to the publishing house that actually signed me, so I wrote it myself. At the time, I did the best that I could with what I had. I knew that it needed revisions, but I also understood that my editor at the big time publishers would guide me through that process, that's why they get paid the big bucks. But she didn't make sense to me. I remember one time she told me, "I want it to read like a Jame Frey, embellish, embellish, embellish, just don't lie." WTF?

After weekly calls with her and submitting revisions on I think three chapters it wasn't even remotely enough for my big time editor. She told my literally agent that it was the worst written manuscript that she had ever read and that it was not her job to re-write and the publishing house walked. I was crushed. The rejection, left me wounded. I internalized this like I internalized everything my mother told me about myself that wasn't true. It is crazy to think that I allowed this woman to get in side my head. I had just finished my Master of Divinity degree at McCormick Theological Seminary on a Merit Scholarship and was working on my PhD on an academic scholarship at the Luther School of Theology. Of course I could write.

About six months later, my good friend, George Curry, who was the editor of Emerge Magazine, said so. But most importantly, after he read the manuscript, he said to me that this is one hell of a story that must be told. That publishing house he felt, made a mistake. He told be to do the re-write, and not worry about who validates me. But I was so paralyzed, no matter how many times I tried I bulked.
I could tell the stories of what happened, but I would never re-enter them. Maybe that was a tool of survival for me, just like when I was a child living it. I had learned to keep the pain at a distance. Today, I can honestly say that I have held little Rae's hand. I have cried with her and nourished her as she told her truths.

Looking back, maybe God knew that the time was not right those twelve years ago. My subconscious said HELL TO THE FUCKING NAW! It was not willing to allow me to give of myself, not in this way. I believe that there are no mistakes. I wanted that book deal so bad for so many reasons but I was not ready to tell the story that needed to be told.

Even when God gives you an assignment, when the time is right, the Universe lines up with every move you make. Today I am writing my ass off, telling the story that needs to be told, in spite of the pain.

I have a wonderful editor who is working her ass off with no money upfront. I have five readers on the team who are walking this painful journey with me. Not to forget my therapist and my psychiatrist who has helped me to unpack every painful thing that needed attention. They have listened to me read chapters with patience and compassion and helped me to unpack every horrible thing that happen to me.

As painful as it has been when I embarked on this book project a year and half ago, I was ready to do this. I was ready to walk in solidarity with that girl little Rae, who was so deeply wounded by those who should have protected her. Over the years, people have asked often, if speaking was cathartic. My answer has been an unequivocally NO.

But writing this memoir has been a journey into myself. Looking into that black hole that was my life, has been one of the most important parts of my healing.

I know that I will walked away better for giving my journey up to the universe for God to use. I hope and pray that those who read my memoir Unprotected will not only hold onto the hand of little Rae, but the little girl, the little boy that walked their own journey. Although, we may not be the same issues, we, hurt nonetheless.
What I know for sure, at some point in our life, we must release the pain, so that you can fully heal.

My Legacy is My Work!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 21 May 2019 13:52:00 +0000

Today I turn 57 years old. Honest to God I had no idea that I would make it this far. I've been living with HIV for 36 years. When I transitioned to AIDS is was a death sentence and that is a fact. I try to explain to people that it was a lot of things that kept me here. At the top of the list is the God factor. But then there was an phenomenal doctor at the top of her game, treating women with HIV because she felt it was the right thing to do. Dr. Mardge Cohen fraught for me when I could not fight for myself, but equally important, I did everything she asked of me. I took all the medications that made me deathly ill until something came along that was better and more tolerated and less pills. Well, I'm on fifteen a day now, but that is better than 31. I am grateful to be alive.

As I complete my memoir Unprotected, I've been giving my legacy a lot of thought and some research. When I started speaking in Chicago High Schools, I had no idea that I would end up on the cover of Essence Magazine. Twenty-five years later my ground-breaking cover story has had an phenomenal impact in the history of the AIDS Pandemic.

One of the Founders of Essence Magazine- Edward Lewis, said in his memoir that was published in 2014 that my 1994 Cover Story was the number one December newsstand seller of all times. Now that blows my freaking mind.

Well I've been doing a deep dive on my legacy and I'm learning things that I have never knew about the reach of my work in the last twenty six years and I'm humbled.

Here are some of the books that feature my work as an AIDS Activist, My Journey Living With AIDS and the impact of the Essence Magazine Cover.

Valentine Day: Self Love Radiates Out

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 14 Feb 2019 15:19:00 +0000

It Valentine's Day and most people are thinking about what they are going to do, what they are going to get and give, how good the sex will be, or why am I alone on Valentine's Day?

We are all thinking red and I don't mean for AIDS Awareness, but for the symbol of our heart, including me.

It's been years since I've had an actual "date" on Valentine's Day. It's also been a while since I've laid in a man's arms.

Not because I can't, but because I decided well over 15 years ago that a man who does not appreciate my worth is not worth my vagina.

I'm actually O. K. with being alone on Valentine's Day. More so than being alone on nights after a long day when I've poured out my at a speaking engagement. After I have given my everything it would be nice to fall into someone's arms and let them take care of me- help to replenish what I've given out.

Now don't get me wrong, it would also be nice to have a date- a great dinner- great conversation- laughter and a flirt or two across the table. Everyone wants to feel special, appreciated. But then again, we should feel those things for ourselves. We should have a baseline of self-love and respect. I know you here Oprah talk about it often but it's true, The Universe gives you back the energy that you give out.

For sure every person wants to feel special, but it shouldn't just be on one day- it should be 365 days a year. If dinner- a date helps to fuel you, why not arrange date nights more often? Why wait? And why wait on another person. Treat your own self. That's what I do. I treat myself to fine chocolates, I get fresh flowers every week and sometimes I take myself out to dinner. Why expect others to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. Expectation and Deliverance thereof should start with you and flow out to the Universe

I've got to be honest, its been years since I viewed Valentine's Day from the lenses of the commercial world. I remember the days when I would run out and buy a man a gift no matter how young the relationship, even if things were bad between us. I did it because, well I don't rightly know. LOL Sometimes I would spend my last dime on a gift, and y'all know I got expensive taste. Crazy shit. Thank God I'm not that girl anymore.

Let me tell you in my *auntie voice* No gift at any cost is going to make a man love you. No amount of sex tonight is going to make a man love you. You can suck his dick until your mouth shrivels and he still may never love you. Shoot a man don't even have to like you, to let you suck his dick. If you accept him between your legs without standards throughout the year, why should you expect him to do anything different about you on that one day out of the year.

We should set the standard for how a man treats us and it will easily flow to Valentines Day. Now don't get me wrong. If you just want to get your groove thang on--do it-use a condom- but don't have expectations for something that clearly is not. You can only have peace in your soul when you accept it for what it is. Acceptance is hard, I know, I know, I know. But when you accept it- you operate in truth. If you want more for your life then you must give yourself more.

You will never achieve the love you want it, if you continue to clutter your life, your spirit with dead weight. It all begins with you. Self love starts from within and radiates outward.

Monday Reflection: Set Your Intention- Make Your Goals!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Mon, 11 Feb 2019 22:50:00 +0000

WOW! I honestly cannot believe that it has been two years since I've blogged. *Side Eye* I have no idea what happen in 2017. And guest what, I'm going to beat myself up about it. We are often to hard on ourselves, including me, for no danm good reason. Whatever you did or did not do, that will forever be a part of your past. Even if it happened today, say at 9:00 A. M. -well at 9:01 A. M. that shit was history. Time moved on and so should you. Stop beating yourself up -it serves no good purpose. But it does destroy the spirit. Whatever lesson you learned, receive it and move the fuck on.

Well, in all of 2018 and so far all of 2019 I've been working on my memoir- Unprotected. I mean really working on my memoir- for real, for real. When I set out last year about this time, to finally get it done, that's exactly what I did.

So where the heck is it you may ask?- glad you asked- I'm still getting it done. Not beating myself up about it either.

I set my intention well over 25 years ago and I'm reaffirming it every single day. That is- to continue to let God use me- my story to enrich the lives of others. Some of you may say, but you do that already, through speaking, through your use of social media. You are so right! But I began to explore what was missing from the story and how I deliver it. This is especially true in the #Metoo era. God continued to make clear that the time was right for the fulness of my story. It was time to talk about molestation and it's impact on my life. How HIV fit into the equation. How one overcomes rejection and abuse. How a child grows up to be told-You ain't never gonna be shit, to turn around and still get 27 years of education with honors. God said, the story is much bigger than being the first Black woman to tell your story of Living With AIDS on the cover of- Essence.

The Goal then became the memoir- Unprotected, as another way to live God's purpose for my life.

Goals are about your future- a desired outcome. Intention is the thing that jumpstarts your goal. It comes from the place of presence. It's the authentic Core of you.

My memoir is the intersection of my life's purpose and how I live it each day- my intent each and every day is to be a vessel. I achieve that each and every day through my transparency- living from my soul.

I reaffirmed my intention - Let God Use Me--and I followed through in every way. Every word that has been typed is to meet that goal- So many days I became that little girl who survived the trauma. For me it was the only way to achieve the goal.

Every single thing that I have done for the last 15 months has been about the book. First, you all sent me to Bali, for which I will be forever grateful.

I choose a boutique hotel near the Bali Sea, about an hour or more away from tourist type stuff. I did that so that I would have no distractions. My gut told me that being in an environment that was Zen filled was the medicine I needed to start this painful journey of writing this book and I was right.

Sometimes you have to create a space so that your environment works for you, rather than against you. I know everyone can't go to Bali but you can create an environment for the life you want to live. Your home for example should be a place where you can breathe. If you share your living space, then your bedroom, the bathroom, find a spot in your house that breaths life into you. I live alone and I don't invite many people into my space-it belongs to me-about me-for me. The world is crazy enough to let all that drama into your life, especially those things that you can control.

That 14 days in Bali gave me the jump start that I needed. I knew that writing this memoir would cause a lot of emotional trauma-- I was right-it has, but there was something about Bali that said to me you got this. Maybe it was nature, the kindness of the people, especially the Balinese women, honoring God throughout the town every single day. The Australia friend, Tesa I met who continues to cheer me on. I just know I came back home ready to work.

The other thing about intention and goals is that you must be willing to follow through. You can create the best possible environment, but if you don't do the work, it will not get done. And every time you make an excuse you are feeding yourself bullshit- it will defeat and that will break you, your spirit and your confidence. There is something to this thing about the energy you put out into the Universe. When you set your intention your goals and you act accordingly the Universe creates more and more space for you to be successful.

Take last week. For those of you who follow me on Social Media, you know that my fur baby Chloe Chanel had surgery. Thank you for supporting the Go Fund Me to help pay for the surgery. She is recovering just fine, but last week was nothing short of crazy. After the surgery, she wouldn't eat, drink or wee wee. I was going through fur baby Mommie drama. But at the same time I didn't surrender into the madness. I knew if I allowed it, it would take over my life. When drama comes, you can't create more drama by giving into the misery. Leave that shit right where it is. Yes, I had to take care of my baby, but I didn't have to make it another emotional issue for me. It is what it is---- Stop creating unnecessary crazy in your life. And by the way, when you create more drama, you remove yourself from the preset moment. Noting get accomplish.

I didn't want to be taken off track. Once Chloe had her pain medication and was in my arms knocked out, I opened my computer and got to work. I didn't begrudge the time I couldn't work on the book, or how much I could not got done, instead I just did it. The energy you give is what you get back. Why put the negative into the Universe.

I have one priority other than to take my medication, that's to finish this memoir- so no matter what else pops up in my life, I go back to this goal-this intention. It is as simple as that.

Anything you want for yourself can be accomplished.
Even self improvement. Let's say your intention is to live a positive in all area of your life. The Goal would be, how you achieve it.

You are at the table where Gossip is happening- talking about people is not positive.

You can participate or you can speak up-- that has nothing to do with me, let's talk about something else. Not there yet, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. Go home early. You cannot control what others do, but you can control what you do, that means even walking away from the people who are not going in the same direction as you.

The more effort you put into not gossiping, the more the Universe will cheer you on.

Staying focused is not always easy. Sometimes it's a change of environment- I leave the house and go places, like the lobby of a nice hotel, it's free. For some reason I work well at Panera, and can't so much in Starbucks. They both play music but I cannot concrete in Starbucks. At Panera, I get me some tea and a scone-- free refills on drinks and they never put you out, unless you're doing the nasty on top of their tables. #Imjustsayin

During this entire process of writing my memoir my therapist and my psychiatrist have been on this book journey with me-holding my hand- reminding me that I am more than what happened to me. Let me tell you writing about molestation is not easy. You got to relive the story, so that you can tell it, and then you have to get your verbs right.

Some day's it has put me in bed with Chloe shut down, not adulting. But I talk it through in therapy and I go right back. If writing about my uncle molesting me is to much to handle today, it's my book, my rules. I go to another chapter until I can come back to it.

I hope you get the point. Set your intention - set your goal and let everything you do and say, lead you right back when you get off track. Stop making excuses because it only does more damage-it is a hit to your self-esteem. Resolve it- either the time is not right in your life to do whatever it is you want--- or resolve that there is no time like the present.... Set your intention---make goals to achieve it-create the environment to get it done... The Universe is your friend, what you give out will come right back at you.

And another thing, tell the negative committee in your head to shut the fuckup--- it will have you jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Namaste

Usher-Herpes and Disclosure...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 15:07:00 +0000

When I first heard about the lawsuit against Usher, I made no attempt to learn any of the details. I dismissed that shit weeks ago when I heard about the supposedly green discharge coming out of Usher's penis, (which is not a symptom of herpes) but was claimed in the first alleged law suit according to the tabloid outlets. I was suspect.

But really, personally, I respect Usher's right to privacy so I had decided to let it ride. Living with a STD is so very personal. But then after the press conference yesterday with the woman who is suing Usher because he could have infected her, but didn't, I thought that maybe I needed to weigh in.

Let me say right off the bat, according to a California law, it is against the law for a person with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to have sex and not disclosure that information to their sexual partner prior to the sexual encounter. (And there lays the biggest problem for me; the criminalization of a medical condition.)

Whether the STD is Herpes or HIV, the law requires disclosure. Now, I'm not a lawyer but this is the legal bases for the law suit. What I don't know is if the sex had to happen in the state of California? I'm still trying to unpack this legal portion.

Background: Apparently, the claim of court documents published by Radar Online and other tabloid sites indicated that Usher was allegedly diagnosed with herpes between 2009-2010. The articles claim that in 2012 Usher was allegedly sued by Maya Fox-Davis and settled the case for over a million dollars. This may be true, but honestly I'm still trying to find a legitimate source. None of the tabloid articles show the actual court documents. And might I add, that all the legitimate news sources are reporting based on the tabloid articles. So based on these tabloid reports that Usher has herpes, other alleged sexual partners of Ushers have come forward, two women and one man in a lawsuit handled by Lisa Bloom. While one of the persons in the suit is named "Jane Doe" and one "John Doe," one person Quantasia Sharpton, also named in the suit held a press conference with Lisa Bloom, the attorney of record.

Apparently, Quantasia tested NEGATIVE for herpes but is suing Usher for what he might have done. At her base line, is the issue of consent. She indicated, that she would have never had a one night stand with Usher had she known he had herpes and by not disclosing, he took away her choice. I hear you girl! I agree, you should have had the right to choose the terms of your one night stand.

At the end of the day though, I'm just thankful that she was not infected. This is especially true since she had a child after her alleged sexual encounter with Usher. It means her child was never exposed to Herpes. Mother to child transmission is one of the greatest risk for a woman with herpes. The way I see it, she just learned of Usher's alleged herpes status with the rest of us, so there's no long term emotional abuse. Quantasia is not infected, she had an alleged fun night with a celebrity, walked away from that alleged sexual encounter, started a family and kept it moving. I say, what you didn't know, didn't hurt you, go in peace.

Making an example out of Usher for something he could have done, girl that's like calling the kettle black. I can think of a whole lot of lessons to be learned from this alleged sexual encounter that happened with two people who knew each other for less then two hours. But God forbid, I'm accused of slut shamming either of them, so I'll leave that one alone.

But I will say, if I ummmm get invited to a fine ass celebrity's hotel room, just pick one, yep him, you better believe I'm going to take, not one pack but two packs of condoms, just in case, us two consenting adults decide to do that thang. Cause shoot, I already got two STD's, and with my damaged immune system, I surly don't want anything else. At the end of the day, you never know who got what. I understand in 2017, that an STD's know no race, class, or gender. It's all equal in the game of unprotected sex.

Now, on to the next point, but I should also add that at least one person in the law suit against Usher has tested positive for herpes, but whether the person was infected by Usher is for a court to decide.

Bottom Line
Lisa Bloom has filed this law suit to shame Usher into disclosing whether or not he actually has herpes and possibility broke the law by not disclosing his status to his partners prior to sex so she can pursue damages. This is ambulance chasing at its best.

Be clear herpes is very common. The CDC reports that 1-6 persons have herpes in the United States. Furthermore, most have not been diagnosed. Most cases are "subclinical" meaning there are not recurrent symptoms. So lets say, you have never been tested for herpes, but you have been exposed, at the end of the day, unless you test all of your sexual partners, you can't really claim one person. The way it could be narrowed down is with your very first outbreak which usually appears within 4 days after exposure but as long as 12 days. Mostly people go through life with very little clinical manifestations of genital herpes and research shows that recurrent outbreaks lessen over time, unless you are immunocompromise like me.

I mean real talk here. I dated a guy that had a herpes legion on his penis, and I asked him what it was. He told me that it was some kind of skin thing that he get maybe once a year and by the time he thinks about going to the doctor, it's gone. We had the flight from hell, me trying to convince him that it was herpes. That's how many people in the real world deal with herpes.

With three plaintiffs on board, I see a big payday if it proves to be true. Which is my second big problem, for sure I think the methodology is tacky and I'm being nice? This type of strong arming tactics is extremely problematic and makes it even harder for people living with a STD. The headlines, the memes, the jokes, the speculation all help to create an environment that strengthens stigma and shame. Who would ever want to disclose in this climate, especially a person of means.

I have so much to say as woman living with both HIV and Herpes. I know that I'm walking a thin line between what is legal, politically and ethically correct, but these are some truths that people with an incurable sexually transmitted disease live with everyday.

First of all, I do believe that a person should disclose to their partner that they are living with a sexually transmitted disease. I believe it creates a foundation of trust from the beginning. It also says to the person, I respect your right to make a choice about your body and life. Now, I know others, even physicians who treat HIV, that believe the stigma is so thick it leaves people in isolation and therefore, disclosure should be secondary to getting to know a person. Especially now that a person living with HIV with an undetectable viral load cannot transmit HIV. I wonder how they feel about herpes. I'll do some checking and get back.

So while I think one should disclose early, I also understand the hinderance to disclosure, leaves one walking a tight rope. The shame and the stigma already attached to STD's and then the personal damage done to a person after disclosure. Remember Charlie Sheen, he disclosed his HIV status and the woman took a picture of his medicine cabinet and blackmailed him. Remember the young girl I blogged about Cicely Boden who was murdered after she disclosed her HIV status. The fear is real. Even me, in my early days, I had to make real sure that a person wasn't going to take my information and use it against me. For sure I was diligent about condom use, but I was trotting a thin line. To tell a man I had herpes was one thing but to tell him I also had HIV, for sure made me hands down look like a whore. When in real life, shit happens and that effects our lives.

Disclosure is tricky, I mean, especially if you're just hookin up. I mean one night stands and hook-ups are trick, trick tricky when it comes to disclosure. Who wants to tell something so personal to someone who you have known for a few hours, or you are not that serious about? But again, who's having sex like that in 2017? Yes, there was a tad of shaming in my last sentence I admit. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking you doing your thang! But for the love of yourself, if you are hookin up, then use a fucking Condom. I admit, disclosure is one thing and condom use is another and they should both be taken seriously.

But when it comes to disclosure, what about those early days of a potential relationship? How soon do you tell? Before or after you learn that he leaves the toilet seat up. What happens when you tell and learn that his credit score is jacked up, or he's full of shit. When do you tell? Who do you trust with information that can damage your reputation in a matter of minutes? Even after I started disclosing to my partners, I didn't tell my mother until right before the Essence Magazine article was released for fear of being deemed a slut by a mother who never faced that her husband was a child molester.

This is the bottom line, neither of these STD's is a walk in the park. Why not get your groove on and love yourself at the same time. No one has the luxury of sex without a Condom. I was talking to an OBGYN doctor and she said that she makes her husband use a condom. After twenty years of seeing any and everything in her clinics, she's not taking a chance.

More To Come...

The Murder of Jessica Hampton

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 13:52:00 +0000

Last week today I was waiting on the red line train and very much annoyed that it was delayed. Little did I know that a young woman, Jessica Hampton had been brutally murdered just seven stops behind me.

Jessica who was 25 years old was stabbed by Aurther Jones. As she cried for help and tried to fight back, he contuined to stab her. Once she was on the floor of the train, he slit or throat and turso as by standers looked on. The video of her murder and body went viral and the family asked Facebook to take it down. In the police press conference they believed it to be a crime of Domstic Volience.

Well on Monday one of my biggest supporters reached out to me on Twitter to ask, "Did I think HIV was a reason to murder someone." I was like WHAT THE FUCK? She went on to explain that members of his family was claiming he stapled learning the Jessica had infects him with HIV. She also expalined that I would not find this in standard news, but the topic has indeed gone viral on Facebook

I did my research and learns that people were reporting Authur's Cousion Facebook post as on one end justification and on the other AIDS Education. I was like WHAT THE FUCK? I know I had to do something, but as the week dwedeled on and my throat infection hand with stitches from a freak acceidnt I thought that I would let it pass. As I searched for articles there was still no mention of HIV. So I had decided to just tweet about it and call it a day.

BUT THEN THIS HAPPEN! I was sitting on the train yesterday, in front of me were 3 young men and beside me were there 2 friends. I'm going to guess the age range was between 17-22. They were laughing and cracking jokes about me crocheting in a cute sort of way and I joined in. Then one of the guys asked his friends, "man what would you have done if you were on the train when dude was stabbing that girl?" I jumped in, "Jumpped on his fucking back" and the conversation began. I explain that at one point he dropped the knife. One brother said, "oh man that was a way in, I would have tackled dude then." Another guy said, "Man I heard he was mad because she gave him HIV." IT WAS ON! Rae the AIDSActivist kicked in, they were listening but wasn't convinced. Then I said, I know what I'm talking about I have HIV for 33 years. They FROZE, I turned and looked each Brotha in the face, can't tell huh? SILIENCE.. Then I said, and this is a bad day with no make up and my hair half combed. My stop approached and I got up, leaving them speechless I said the problem is we are not educated about HIV. BAM! I got off the train leaving them FUCKED UP!

So let's talk about all of this stigma and mis-education around HIV. Let's talk about Domstic Volience, murder and something gotta change in out Communtiy. I'm having a live FACEBOOK Chat tonight, June 30, 2016 at 7:00 pm CST. You will be able to ask me questions... Here is my Facebook fanpage link. You have to like the page and the dicussion will be there and NOT on my Facebook personal page.

If you want BACKGROUND on HIV infection read my recent blog post, "I Met A Man, Can I Give HIm HIV"

This is what we know for sure...

1) Aurther Jones murdered Jessica Hampton on the Red Line Train as people watched

2) The police are saying it was a case of Domstic Voliece with no mention of HIV

3) Aurther Jines lawyer indicated yesterday that he was Schoniza

4) Auther Jones Cousion posted a Facebook Post staying that Jessica gave Him HIV and he stapped. To explain why he murdered her.

5) people reposted her post and it went viral... With NJ berv

Tap Into The Resources and Live Well Beyond HIV!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 14:25:00 +0000

I'll take aging with HIV over not aging at all any day. Now that's some real talk; but I have to be honest, muddling through HIV requires a lot of energy, work and support. Over the years, I've been fortunate enough to have a team of wonderful people to help me manage living with HIV, from understanding my medication to my emotional well being.

I want what I have for everyone living with HIV, that is to create a support system for themselves in all areas of their lives. What I know for sure, is that living with HIV in isolation will create depression, which creates its own set of issues.

You all may recall in my blog post, "Grey Hair and I Don't Care," I talked about the need to access resources as one ages with HIV and the wonderful resource page Well Beyond HIV. Well, I'm continuing to partner with the team over at Walgreens. They invited me over to learn about the services they provide for those living with HIV. I was really impressed with their Specialty Pharmacy and that don't come easy with me. I had a wonderful conversation with Nancy Salman who is the pharmacy manager at the Walgreens Specialty Center on Randolph and State in Chicago; which is one of over 800 Walgreens specialty pharmacies around the country. Nancy is an "HIV Specialist," and let me tell you, her knowledge matches her spirit, on point. What the heck is an "HIV Specialty Pharmacist?" Glad you asked, it’s a pharmacist who has had additional training in understanding HIV clinically as well as medications, side-effects, adherence, I mean the whole shebang.

For sure at the top of the list of managing HIV is compliance with one’s antiretroviral medication, HAART. Nancy agrees, she said, "The single most important advice for those aging with HIV is compliance and adherence."

Compliance I believe is so connected to understanding your treatment plan. That means not only taking your medication as prescribed but accessing the additional support you may need to make compliance easier. Compliance in most cases leads to viral suppression and that means a longer life span, but muddling through takes not only energy but understanding.

For example, there are non HIV medications both prescription and over the counter that interfere with the deliverance of HIV medication in your blood stream and vice-versa. Let's take my drama around being premenopausal. Yep, another issue of aging that will happen for every woman. But as an HIV infected woman it's been non-stop drama. My hot flashes have been so bad I've wanted to strip my clothes and run down the street in the dead of Chicago's winter.

As I try to get a handle on the issues around menopause, I've learned that women with HIV have more difficult menopauses. Even severe hot flashes to the point that it interferes with their daily life style and even compliance to HIV medication. Then I learned that one of the HIV medications that I take actually reduces the levels of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). SHUT UP!

While talking to Nancy I was trying to recall the name of that antiretroviral medication, which interferes with Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and before I could get it out of my mouth, Nancy said, "Prezista" WOW, I really was impressed. I've spoken with OBGYN's that didn't even know that there was an issue with HIV medications and HRT or the fact that women aging with HIV entering pre-menopause needs to be assessed differently. I currently take 3 times the amount of HRT medication to balance the effect that my HIV medication has on my treatment. A more detailed blog coming soon on menopause and HIV.

For sure accessing resources is important and Walgreens pharmacy is a one stop shop. They are culturally sensitive. They have private rooms where HIV infected patients can ask the specialty pharmacist questions not only about medications, but side-effects, compliance and the list goes on.

Nancy says she helps her patients with issues such as compliance to customizing their treatment with other non-related HIV medical issues. This is important because people aging with HIV have about a 20% higher rate on co-mobility issues, such as heart, high cholesterol, diabetes and non HIV related cancers. She says that helping to customize care is important. Especially those HIV medications that cause other issues like Renal Disease.

She also helps her patients access coupons for their medication so they will not have a lapse in treatment. WIN!

For sure this one on one relationship creates a safe and confidential environment for people with HIV. These types of services are extremely important, especially when you only see your infectious disease doctor once every 3-6 months. Having someone in my case, just up the street to answer my questions is important. I know my own experience before I take any over the counter medications, I ask the pharmacist at Walgreens. Now at the Specialty Centers, the pharmacist sits out front. How cool is that to not have to ask for the pharmacist to come up front?

Nancy explained that they stay well connected with their HIV patients, especially those newly diagnosed. That's important because 35% of newly diagnosed patients stop treatment within 90 days. *I know right, I thought the same thing when I heard that stat at an HIV talk about aging with HIV.* Nancy says that they text, call and email depending on the best way to reach each patient.

I have to tell you as I hit senior citizen age, I'm learning that those aging with HIV have their own set of issues. I will be tackling this topic more and more, not only for those of us who have aged with HIV but also that younger people living with HIV will understand what's down the road and what they need to do in those early days to preserve those later days. For sure, the right resources are an important step to living well with HIV. I continue to be amazed at the growth with advancements around HIV in the 35 years since the first cases where reported by the Center for Disease Control.

My biggest advice to those greying with HIV, whether you've been infected for years like me, or a senior newly diagnosed. You cannot do this alone, tap into the resources so that you can live well beyond HIV.

I was sponsored by Walgreens to write this blog post. All opinions expressed are my own.

I Met A Man... Can I Give Him HIV?

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 17:03:00 +0000

I met a man and OMG he was just simply charming. Now I usually don't give my number to random men on the street, but did I say he was sooooo charming?!

Even Chloe liked him, but ummm now that I think about it, Chloe likes everyone she sees. But the fact that he took the time while macking to bend down and speak to my baby girl was a brownie point. But umm that could have been a part of the Mack game to. LOL But unmm I still gave him my number. Did I say how charming he was?

We made it through the first round of "gettin to know" each other. And I'm not sure if we are even going on a date. I try not to make assumptions because that's when feelings get hurt. Now don't get me wrong, I have standards like mutual respect etc. etc. etc. What I'm talking about is not marrying him in your head before you know if he puts the toilet sit down, look at you like you're the only woman in the room and most importantly not some misogyntic butt hole. Like for real for real. But now that I think about it, charming men tend to love women, all of them. What have I gotten myself into? But then again, I try not to make assumptions even about charming men.

So here I am, I've given my number to a very charming man and we have gotten beyond at least the introduction. Now I have to be honest, this created some anxiety that I haven't felt in years; Mainly, I got to tell this man that I have HIV but on top of HIV that I'm this super famous woman who goes around the country talking about having HIV. This is not an easy thing.

It's been years since a man approached me that didn't already know who I was and this sent me back to a place that I haven't been in years. Since my divorce well over 17 years ago, I've learned that being famous with HIV is collateral damage. Even when a man likes you, they are faced with the stigma that comes with dating a person with HIV. And don't be in denial, it does come. Why would he date her? Does he have HIV also? Will she give him HIV? And the list goes on and on.

Prior to the cover of Essence, there was no need to tell a man that I had HIV until we had been on a few dates and I've made sure he wasn't crazy crazy. It was always about, do I think this man is worth my energy, worth me and once I reached that point, I would have the "kitchen conversation" sitting at the table with my clothes on explaining that I am HIV positive; answering all of his questions and explaining the ramifications of what dating a positive woman means for him. But back then it was a mutual secret. Remember, those first 7 years I told like 5 people that I was positive, other than the men I dated.

So the "kitchen conversation" is important. I've always believed that a person should be informed so that they can make what they feel is the best decision for their life. Everyone has that right, even the right to not date a person who is living with HIV. That goes for whatever the reason, stigma, risk and even I don't want to be bothered with dating a person with a chronic Illness.

But today the "kitchen conversation happens a lot earlier for me. I almost have to have the, "I am a public figure" conversation. Now what if I don't tell him right away, and we bump into someone who recognizes me? People come up to me often in public, and what if THAT PERSON who says. "Ain't you that lady with AIDS" bumps into us having dinner. And once I tell him my last name and he googles me or send me friend request me on Facebook, it's a wrap. Like, being this public person flows into every area of my life. So much pressure being "THAT GIRL." Now for sure, I wouldn't change a thing. God has given me a gift and I would rather use my gift and be single for the rest of my life if that be the case.

Now again, I have no idea if this is going anywhere. Shoot, I'm writing this blog and may never talk to him again. But this situation got me to thinking about being infected and dating with HIV in 2016.

Its crazy that the risk of infecting a person is so very very low today, unlike it was let's say even 17 years ago. But the stigma is at a freaking stand still. Its like people can't move beyond 1994 when I was on the cover of Essence. So I thought that I would take this opportunity to update you on the risk factors of dating a positive person and the new medical advancements. If I never talk to this man again, well at least he got me to write a blog for you, and y'all know I've not been that inspired to write very much as of late. So it's all good.

OK! Let me lay it out for you. I'll give it to you in lay terms as much as I can. I have also provided links. It's a tad long, but its good information, and I'm going to ask all of you to share this blog on your Social Media sites.

1) A person who is living with HIV man or female who's viral load is undetectable is very unlikely to transmit HIV to another person. Let me say it this way, even if you do not use a condom or the condom breaks, if the person living with HIV viral load is undetectable the risk of infecting another person is significantly low. Scholars have been playing it safe, and saying 96% safe. My former doctor, whom I trust with my life, said to me and I quote, "it's zero infection Rae"

The latest study was 30,000 sexual acts with a positive and negative person and Zero inflections. WHAT THE HECK DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN???? Glad you asked. It means that a person in treatment with an undetectable viral load both in their blood, semen ad vaginal secretions, CANNOT transmit HIV. Now let me expand viral load.

A) Viral Load is the amount of HIV that has copied in your body. The more it copies, the sicker a person is likely to be, and the greater risk there is of infecting their partner.

Thirty-Five years into the AIDS pandemic, treatment is remarkable. There are 32 different HIV medications, which we call antiretrovirals and five different classes of antiretrovirals. Taking a combination of antiretrovirals is often referred to as HAART. When a person takes HAART medications it actually reduces the HIV virus from the body and blocks copies of newer resistant strains when the virus copies. This viral suppression means that a person will less likely develop AIDS Related Complex or even transition to AIDS.

If a person has already transitioned to AIDS, like in my case, HAART therapy will suppress the virus from doing any new damage to my body. But the damage that has already been done to my immune system cannot be reversed. ( that's why I have more health problems then the average person today with HIV)

The success of HAART is why its important for people to be tested at lest once a year. Being diagnosed early, getting into treatment, complying with treatment and staying in treatment will prolog your life and the quality of your life. Furthermore, this alone will reduce the new cases of HIV. About 38% of newly diagnosed persons with HIV are infected by a person who did not know that they were infected.

B) There are some factors in transmission of HIV with an undetectable viral load, such as, other sexually transmitted diseases, menstruation, and the level of virus in a woman's vaginal sectarians and male semen. Usually, HAART medication reduces ones viral load in both blood, semen and vaginal sectarians, but there are some instances where this has not been the case. Read here

C) An Undetectable Viral Load does NOT mean that you no longer have HIV. Yes, HIV is still in your body, but in very small amounts. The smaller the amount the more difficult it is to transmit HIV. Undetectable is optimum.

D) What if a persons Viral Load goes up? Well it then means that the risk factor of infecting someone goes up, and this also increases their chances of disease progression. So for example, back in 1997 my viral load for 400,000 thats a lot of virus, My T-Cell Count was 8 and I was very sick. During this time the risk of me infecting someone was far greater then today.

E) Why does a person Viral Load increase? Drug resistance. HIV in your body has developed a resistance to the medications, whether it's one in your combination, or all?

F) Why does a person develop resistant to HAART therapy? Typically failure to comply with ones treatment is the reason resistance sets in, but not exclusively.

When a person does not take their medication as prescribed; missing dosage, stopping and starting at random all of these can cause a resistance. BUT if a person does what they are supposed to do then the chances of resistance is low. Of course their can be just plain old drug failure, but if a person is in care their doctor is on top of it.

For example, my viral load gets tested every 3 months. And BTW my Viral Load has been undetectable for 13 years and staying steady, thanks be to God, but ummm I do what the fuck I'm supposed to do too. POW!! If you don't do good, you can't expect good results!

G) Ok I know, I know what you are saying, nothing is full proof. I agree, that's why condom use is still important. Plus I'm not trying to get Zike from anyone. BOOM! But we have come a long way from those early days when risk factor was so much higher. I'm going to also remind you that female to male transmission has always been very low. Its like 20-1 that a woman will infect a man.

2) PrEP is also a medical breakthrough in HIV Treatment and Care!

What the heck is PrEP! I'm glad you asked. Its a pre-exposure prophylaxis; a once a day antiretroviral that a person who is not infected takes to prevent HIV infection. Yep, one pill, once a day. I've covered this topic in my Charlie Sheen blog here. But the bottom line, PrEP does prevent HIV. I think a person must determine for themselves, based on their lifestyle if they should consider taking PrEP Now that I'm back in the groove. I will write another blog about PReP in the next week or so to give you my detail thoughts, in the meantime you can learn about it here.

For sure we have come a long way in thirty-five years. What I want for you, is to advance your mind with the medical advancements. This staying stuck and not embracing these new and exciting advancements around HIV is like ummmm still trying to use My Space. This staying stuck also perpetuates stigma. If you continue to relegate AIDS to be this horrible death sentence that it once was, you continue to deny those living and thriving with HIV the beautiful miracle of life. Keeping HIV in a time warped continues to push the paradigm of hopelessness. Does that impact our dating, you damn right cause who wants to date someone who society believes is a walking death sentence!? Come on y'all, help a sista out, change your mind and your ass will follow....

Grey Hair And I Don't Care: Aging With HIV

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 12 May 2016 12:47:00 +0000

In ten days I will turn 54 years old. This will mean that I have lived 33 years with HIV and 25 years with AIDS. Although I was infected in 1983 I didn't learn of my HIV status until I donated blood in 1986. I've told this story a thousand times and over.

When I transitioned to AIDS twenty-five years ago, I had no expectation to live. At one point my T-Cell count was 8. Good treatment for HIV/AIDS had not been developed. It was a sad and scary period in the AIDS Pandemic. But I fought for my life and so did my HIV doctor. I did everything that was asked of me, but some days it was a bitter pill to swallow, literally. At my worst I took 32 pills a day and the side effects were not pretty, but I survived that ugly era as did many others.

Aging with HIV is one of the hottest topics around this disease. When you think about it, long term survivors like me are aging with the disease. The first documented cases of AIDS in the U.S. were in 1981, which makes HIV 35 years old. This means I've been infected the span of this disease, short of two years. For sure, my life is a miracle because so many died. A couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to meet six other long term survivors, the stories we shared brought us to tears and laughter, but that's another blog post.

Like me and so many others, we not only have a story to tell, we also put a face to this disease with historical perspective. For sure the greying of AIDS, includes those of us who have lived and aged with HIV whether it’s been fifteen or thirty years, but it's also the population of new infections among the 50 and older. About 15% of new cases represent that age group. This makes it important to tell our story not only to provide hope for those living, but as prevention for those seniors who believe HIV only affects the young.

Last summer I had the pleasure of speaking at an event sponsored by Walgreens. Well Beyond HIV is an awesome exhibit featuring men and women living with HIV who are fifty and older. This traveling art exhibit was curated in collaboration with The Graying of AIDS. It was life size inspiration to witness other peoples’ stories of aging with HIV.

In those early days of our diagnosis many of us lived in isolation for fear of being judged. Thirty-Five years into this pandemic, I will admit that things have changed some, this bold exhibit is one example, but stigma continues to be an uphill battle. I firmly believe that medical technology has advanced quicker than our attitudes about HIV and those living with HIV. Well Beyond HIV provides a forum for people over 50 living with HIV. It is a place not only to create community but to provide tools for living well with this disease.

Aging with HIV has its own set of issues and we have to utilize all the resources that we can. Back in the early days, resources were slim to none. We had to make do the best way that we could. And let me tell you, traveling that road was like walking in a dense forest. Lord, and the days of hiding the few HIV magazines we had like, Positively Aware and The Gay Men Health Crisis. We were starving for information and once we got our hands on it, we coveted it as if it was our last meal on a deserted island.

Today, there is so much information available on living with HIV. What makes the Well Beyond HIV Tumblr page a great place is its focus on the 50 and older community. Yes, this birthday is yet another milestone and I'm so proud that I didn't give up on myself. I'm excited, grateful and humble to still be alive. I think grey looks good on me *flips hair* and I feel like I'm moving into a new phase of my life. I have so many dreams for myself and I'm putting those dreams into action every day I take a breath. Like Queen Bee said, "Ima keep running cause a winner don't quit on themselves."

I was sponsored by Walgreens to write this blog post. All opinions expressed are my own.

Here's to Doctor's Keeping the Care in Health Care!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Wed, 30 Mar 2016 16:33:00 +0000

Today on National Doctor's Day and I started thinking about my own doctors. Honestly, in those early days of HIV I didn't even tell a doctor. When I finally told my gynecologist at the HMO in the middle of the exam, he said to me, as he was looking up my vagina, "You are to pretty and to smart to end up with HIV. What did you do?" I felt so small in that moment, and that caused me to shield my HIV status for another year. Then I only told my internist at the same HMO because the doctor who was in charge of the HIV study that I was in at the National Institute of Health wanted me to take AZT. It was a big mess and I was just praying to stay alive.

The doctor patient relationship is so very important. Having had doctors on both end of the spectrum, I know this to be true. After my first year with Dr. Cohen, I realized that all doctors were not equal and most importantly, you have to advocate for yourself. When a doctor does not feel right, then find someone who does.

Years ago when I had just starting to speak a woman told me that her daughter had just been diagnosed with HIV and the doctor told her she only had two years to live. This mother wanted to know what advice I had for she and her daughter. My response was matter of fact, "Get a new doctor." When your doctor only sees your illness and not the person with the illness the relationship is already at a disadvantage.

I fundamentally believe the relationship that you have with your doctor can either add value to you're healing or add to your demise. At the top of the list for me is mutual respect. If your doctor does not respect you, they cannot hear you and if they cannot hear you then that cannot truly heal you. Shit, if you don't hear me, then you are not treating me. #Fact!

I remember a girl told me that her sister who was HIV positive kept complaining about low abdominal pain. After the usual "female" round of test the doctor dismissed the problem. Over and over she kept complaining and over and over the doctor kept dismissing her eventually suggesting that she was exaggerating. The woman finally found a new doctor who heard her loud and clear. When it was all said and done she had CMV of the uterus and death followed. They missed this diagnosis because CMV an AIDS related infection typically occurs in the eyes with people living with AIDS.

Stereotypes and or the doctors opinion of the patient is important in the treatment of the patient. Human should be any doctors starting point, not who they are or what they do for a living. I have a friend, a doctor who landed in the prestigious hospital where she practices. She was near death and it took three days for a doctor, in fact an intern to say, "Maybe what we are looking at is HIV/AIDS." They all looked at him like he was crazy, certainly not one of their doctors would have HIV. As the story was told to me he said, "Well did anyone test her?" Her t-cell count was 6.

Feeling empowered around your health care choices allows you to take ownership of your well being. If your doctor takes that away from you, then you will always struggle to stay on top of the game.

No for me, I didn't really start getting quality care until I transitioned to AIDS. I landed at County Hospital with no health insurance with Dr. Mardge Cohen the founder of the Women and Children HIV Clinic. I've talked about her on my blog before. Even when my t-cell count was 8, I was a size 0 and HIV medication was mediocre she never told me that I was dying. I've said often that she fought for me when I couldn't fight for myself. When she retired I was lost, but only in my mind LOL because she made sure that I landed with a doctor who's values and knowledge was equal to hers. Dr. Audrey French has fought for me just as hard as Dr. Cohen in these last 9 years.

In the 24 years since I've transitioned to AIDS I've had doctors who care and practice medicine because they care and that has made the difference in my life. They have fought for me and it's made me want to fight for me.

In October I had the pleasure and honor to be with Dr. Cohen as she was awarded the Humanism Award in medicine from the Arnold P. Gold Foundation for her work in HIV. Not only was she the founder of the Women's and Children Clinic at Stroger Hospital (Cook County) she has an HIV/AIDS clinic in Rwanda.

Since retirement from county, she continues to run the Rwanda Clinic and practices a couple of days a week at the Boston Health Care For the Homeless.

She and Dr. French are also the lead investigators in the Women's Interagency HIV Study, the largest and longest running study looking at Women with HIV. Most of our understanding on Women and HIV has come from the WIHS study and I'm proud of both of them and proud to be a part of their legacy.

At the end of the day, your health depends on not only a good doctor but one who sees the human first and the illness follows. One who hears you and works on your behalf. This is your body and you have a right to have a voice. Any doctor that makes you feel less then, well I say they don't deserve to treat you. And don't tell me that it's easy for me to say being famous with HIV. I go to the Core Center in Chicago, which is where most people in the area are treated for HIV with no health insurance. In fact you couldn't get me to leave, well unless Dr. French retries then I'm lost again. So find you a doctor that is willing to be your partner in the treatment of your illness, whether it's HIV or a stomach ace.

Thank you to all the doctors who work to keep care in healthcare. And a special thanks to my doctors, Dr. Mardge Cohen and Dr. Audrey French who have been my primary care doctors. I must not forget my gynecologist who specializes in women with HIV, Dr. Helen Cejtin. She is also one of the investigator in the WIHS study. By the way, when my lower abdominal pain continued, she continued to search for the answer until she found it. For sure, I was blessed at the right time in my HIV infection with the best doctors and this has made the difference between life and death...

Tap Into Your Own Power!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 10 Mar 2016 15:49:00 +0000

Today is National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and my message is unwavering. We have to tap into our own power. We have to make the decision to put ourselves first, love ourselves first and absolutely love ourselves more than wanting and needing a man in our life.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dating and love and all that good stuff. There's even nothing wrong with sex. Studies show that people who have sex are happier beings.

It's just, the decision that you make about your life and body should be rooted in self-love, not the love or desire for love that you have or want from another. If I've learn one thing from other women in the twenty-two years that I've been educating about HIV/AIDS, it's this, the only person that will keep you safe in the end is you. If I had a dollar for all the stories women have told me about what they thought about their relationship that was not true, I could get me a cute designer bag.

We make decisions everyday about our lives, based on what someone has told us that we believe, what we assumed and even what we hope for our future. When we should be making decisions on what we know to be true, for sure. We plan our future down to the last "T" but when it comes to dating and love we sometimes get so caught up, that we start making decisions that leave us vulnerable.

Let me use this example, if your employer told you that your job was going to end. They don't know the date, but for sure, it was not going to last. You would start looking for another job in spite of the fact that you continue to go to work everyday. You wouldn't keep hoping that the job wasn't going to end, you would prepare yourself. In fact, even if six months had passed the stress along of waiting for the ball to drop would make you get the hell out of that place.

But if a man tells you that he does not want a relationship, yet he keeps calling, texting, soaking up your space and diving into your goodness, you would rationalize that he eventually will come around. "He must like me," you say to yourself, "but maybe he's afraid of commitment." His behavior makes you think that one day he's going to say, "I want you as my woman for real" *blank stare* But the man done told you that he does not want a relationship and he meant that shit. That's why he has never introduced you as his women, in spite of how he treats you in private . You keep holding on waiting and wanting and losing a part of yourself with each passing day. Ladies, I'm a witness that the idea of a healthy relationship does not make it true. Just like when the boss say that they are closing the doors, coming to work everyday does not change that fact.

I keep asking why we make these decisions for ourselves that our unhealthy in search of what we think will make us whole. When in fact the only thing that will make us whole is living from our soul. We live from our soul when we make decisions that lift us up in every single way, mind, body and spirit. Oprah says all the time, that we are responsible for ourselves and that is a truth I will bank on. Yet we surrender ourselves in the name of love. It really is up to us to take control over our lives and our bodies. Our body belongs to us, our life is our own and some of us treat our designer handbag better than we treat ourselves.

My suggestions to take control over your life and body.

1) Insist on Condom Use. Every time you have sex without a condom you put your life against that sexual experience and for sure there is no sex worth your life. I promise, if you tell him, no condom no sex and mean it, he will adjust. If he doesn't want to adjust, you have to not only ask yourself but also give an honest answer, is sex without a condom a risk I'm willing to take? Am I prepared for the consequences of what I don't know?

The reality is this, it's 2 to 1 that a man will infect a woman with HIV and 20 to 1 that a woman will infect a man. Furthermore, over half of the cases of women infected with HIV are through heterosexual sex. We continue to have unprotected sex a decision that is made on what we think we know or we do it in the heat of the moment. Passion will not save your life, neither will your assumptions about your partner. For sure, If the penis ain't in your pocket you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. I say often, "I hope what you think you know about your partner is true."

2) Everyone who has ever had sex needs to be tested for HIV. When people say they don't want to know, I say that's some stupid shit. Why wouldn't you want to know about a medical condition that can be treated and with an early diagnosis and virus suppression you could live a long life.

It's 2016 and every 10 minutes a person still becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Furthermore 38% of newly diagnosed HIV cases are of people that were infected by someone who did not know that they had HIV. Testing along can reduce the cases of new infections.

I have HIV and I insist that my partner have an HIV test. First off, I don't want to live in that kind of ignorance for him or myself. Most importantly, I am not trying to get re-infected with a different stain of HIV. What I have is more than enough. By the way, a man can't tell me he got tested a year ago and let it ride. I have no idea what you have done with your penis in the 12 months prior to me.

Testing for HIV is one of the best things that you can do for yourself. Staying in that ignorance could mean how long you live or how soon you die. If you test positive the better off you are in terms of life expectancy. The earlier they suppress the virus the healthier you will be. I know you think you know, but honesty, you don't know until you take an HIV test. Living in what you think you know rather then what you know for sure is not a healthy lifestyle. I bet you know how much that handbag is that you want so you can get your money in order. *Blank Stare* But you don't know your HIV Status?

3) Have a talk with your partner. I find it so strange that when we talk about sex, we leave out some of the most important things. We know what position he likes best and that is important, and what you like it is equally important. But have you sat down and talked about HIV testing, condom use and other sexually transmitted disease. Have you even opened the door for the conversation? So many people are living with herpes and HVP, not in secret, not just HIV. You must to be willing to have an adult conversation about sex and how it happens with your partner. It makes for a healthy start to any relationship.

So how to you talk about sex? At the kitchen table with all your clothes on. You cannot talk about sex, condom use in the moment of passion.

4) If you are infected with HIV. Get into treatment and care and STAY in treatment and care. I know it seems like an overwhelming burden. You send me messages about your struggle. But if I can do it for 33 years so can you. Think about this, when I was diagnosed there was no treatment, then came AZT, then can DDI then came more and more and more. I kept doing what my doctors asked of me and it saved my life. I want you to live a good life and the earlier the virus is suppressed the better off you will be.

a) Take your medication as prescribed

b) Talk to your doctor, ask questions, Co-partner with your care.

c) Get a support system. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE

d) Get into some kind of therapy. Depression is very common with HIV and you don't need anything working against you

e) Find you a spiritual outlet

f) Find a community for yourself via social media. There are many people who follow me on my different social media sites who are positive and my post inspire them to keep going. Community is very important. YOU CANNOT DO THIS AlONE!

At the end of the day, I want women to know that we have so much unspoken and untapped power! My challenge to you today, whether you are infected or affected is to tap into the power within you, for a better you! Namaste

In honor of Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day the Office of Women's Health is sponsoring a blog hop. Please check out the blog post of my partners for today.

Rae Lewis-Thornton Diva Living With AIDS Blog (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook)

Charreah Jackson, Essence (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook)

Karyn Lee, Red Pump Project (Twitter, Instagram, Facebook)

Dr. Hazel Dean, Black Doctor Twitter, Instagram, Facebook)

RLT Reads Book Club Is Back! Check Out Feb and March Picks!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 21:49:00 +0000

Finally! RLT Reads Book Club is back up and running. I've missed those lively discussios so it's about time that we do it again. My online book club was orginally formed in 2011 and we had our discussions via Twitter and my blog.

But Goodreads has created a wonderful space for book clubs so I've moved us to Goodreads. If you are not a member please JOIN. It's also connected to your Facebook page so give Goodreads permission, it's all good. Make sure that you Friend ME on Goodreads and Join the RLT READS Book Club

Let me tell you a tad more about the book club

The genres we will read are mostly for, by and about women, both fiction and non-fiction . We will unpack "a woman's story" each month as a way to understand the paradigms that are both real and those forced upon women. We will tackle, sex, dating, love, race, gender, self worth and misogyny. While we are dealing with important topics some of the books chosen will be fun.

I am an avid reader and want to share my love for books and expose you to many different authors. I will moderate and choose the books each month. But overtime I will seek others to moderate as well as, conduct open polls on the monthly selection.

All of our discussions will be via goodreads and they will start at the beginning of each month and remain open for the late comers thru the following month after the read close date.

RLT Reads Book Club is open to anyone who would like to join me in the monthly book discussions.

My perspective is always provocative and I want to push the envelope with every read. I've chosen the first two books. In February we will tackle Toni Morrison's a mercy. I know some of you have a hard time getting through Morrison's book, me included. I thought that we can push each other. I chose a mercy because it's black history month and slavery is always a good issue to tackle.

For the month of March the book is CoRregidora by Gayl Jones. I learned about this book from reading an article on Toni Morrsion in the New York Times Magazine. While Morrsion was an editor at Random House she discovered Jones manuscript. After reading Corregidora for the first time she said, "that no novel about black women could ever be the same after this." With that siad,, I believe Corregidora is the perfect pick for Women's history month.

Back to back, we will tackle Toni Morrison, her own writing and what she believes is great writing from another author by and about black women. I'm excited! Please recommit to the book club. At one time we had 111 members. We WELCOME new readers too. The discussion will run the entire month but will remain open thru the following month for those who require more time for reading.

This is where you join RLTReads. But you also have to be a member of goodreads, join HERE And again my page is on Goodreads is Rae Lewis-Thornton. See ya on Goodreads in February! Namaste

SOMWA A Wonderful Cause!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 12:39:00 +0000

New York! New! York! New York! Come hang out with me Sun Dec 13th! Bring a toy and wear your dancing shoes for the Somwa Foundation 7th Annual Toy Drive. All the toys go to families with HIV.

Hydeia Broadbent and I donated our time to this wonderful cause, Mothers of Survivors With AIDS (SOMWA).

At the age of 23 Shacazia Brown's the founder of SOMWA, mother Wanda E. Buggs died from an AIDS-related illness. Shacazia has been unrelentless in her work for those living with HIV. In addition to the toy drive every year SOMWA participates in the New York AIDS walk and goes to Kenya to work with children living with HIV and that's just some of the work Shacazia does on behalf of those living with HIV.

She lost her mother and then picked up the cause in memory of her mother! Her mother is looking down smiling..

Here are the details...

Join us on Sunday, December 13, 2015, at Taj Lounge 48 west 21st Street New York, NY between 5th & 6th from 4pm - 10pm.

Kitchen will be open to purchase food

2 - 1 drinks from 4pm - 6pm (top shelf)

*early arrival is strongly suggested*

Music provided by: @djmissyb @dadjpoisonivy and @djcraignice1

#FREE admission with a new unwrapped toy suggested $10 donation without.

21 and older

We will have two amazing hosts:

@raelt Emmy Award Winning AIDS Activist & @hydeiabroadbent International HIV/AIDS Activist & Humanitarian

ALL toys will be distributed to @gmhc @preciousdreamsfoundation PS 401 The Christopher Avenue Community School & Children in Kenya affected by HIV/AIDS

#Doingit

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Mon, 07 Dec 2015 16:37:00 +0000

I'm honored to have been asked to participate in the Center For Disease Control, Act Against AIDS newest HIV Testing Campaign, "Doing It." Donating your name and brand to a national campaign is no small thing. This is especially true, when you give someone else total control over how they present you to the public.

The best part of the campaign for me was the day long photo shoot working with two women that I love and respect. Charreah Jackson is the Lifestyle and Relationship editor for Essence Magazine. She also wrote the anniversary article on me for Essence, Dec 2015. Karyn Brianne Lee, is a Chicago girl and Co-Founder of Red Pump.

I believe donating my time and name is worth it. Testing for HIV is important. What we know today is the earlier a person knows there HIV status and get in treatment, the longer you will live. In fact, early treatment for HIV could turn into decades of life. This is why testing is important.

The reality today, is about 40% of newly diagnosed cases of HIV are people infected by people who didn't know that they were infected. Testing can reduce new cases of HIV.

Join the campaign and be one of those #DoingIt Tag me on my Social Media sites after you have tested for HIV using the hashtag #DoingIt

And if you see any of the billboards or adds in your city of Me, Charreah and Kayrn take a pic with it and post it on your Social Media site... Don't forget to tag me... I will repost on my Social Media Sites.

(I'm not sure which pictures of me they are using other than the tea party, even if's its only one picture, I'm wayyy excited, so be on the lookout.)

World AIDS Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 01 Dec 2015 13:12:00 +0000

Good Morning Lovely's!! Today is World AIDS Day! A day of remembrance for those we lost to this disease. But also a day to fight stigma that blames and shames those living with #HIV world wide! It's a time to demand treatment for all and work toward ZERO infections! Tell someone you know with #HIV that you love and support them! Text, hit them up on Social Media, Call or drop by their house but just do it! #teatime ☕️

Join me live on Periscope today! I will be answering questions off and on all day.. You can follow me on World AIDS Day!

Also my speech tonight at North Carolina A and T University will live stream on my Periscope http://www.periscope.com/raelt

Finally the best way to support me is to purchase a bracelet or my book! Everything is 50%off coupon code shop2015 http://www.rltcollection.com

Namaste #WAD2015 #aidsawareness #DivaLivingWithAIDS #aids

Charlie Sheen: And This Is What I Think!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 17 Nov 2015 21:54:00 +0000

When actor Charlie Sheen said, "I'm not living in that prison anymore" I felt that deep in my soul. It resonated loud and clear. I kept my own HIV infection a secret for seven years. For Real! My first seven years I only told 5 people that I had HIV, other than the men I dated. And even then I was afraid that someone would take my information and sabotage my life working at the national level as a young savvy political organizer. I can image that being blackmailed is crazy madness. So, yes I'm glad that Charlie Sheen made this decision to step outside of that madness and disclose his HIV status. I remember when I disclosed my HIV status, it felt like tons of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders...

Now, I'm not sure what my readers and supporters want me to say about all of this, but as usual, I'm going to speak the truth as I see it and know it to be.

1) It is a SHAME that in 2015, thirty four years, yes I said 34 years after the first documented HIV cases by the Center for Disease Control that a person still lives in fear of disclosing their HIV status. When are we going to stop shaming people who are living with HIV? Huh? WHEN? Even now, everyone has a freaking opinion about what Charlie Sheen should have done with his life. HIS LIFE! I'm sadden, not just for Charlie, but for all the people who reach out to me daily via Social Media that are living with HIV and are afraid to disclose their HIV status for fear of judgement. I get it, just by watching the reaction to Charlie today.

This shamming has created a vicious cycle, especially when it comes to testing for HIV. Who even wants to know their status in this climate of judging and lack of compassion. Testing is critical, because 38% of those newly infected with HIV are infected by someone who does not know that they have HIV. So people don't great tested because of fear of judgement and they infect others unknowingly. Learning your HIV status late also means that treatment comes late. This is sad because studies, show the earlier you know the longer you live.

Furthermore, the fact the Matt Lauer even asked Charlie how he contracted HIV is some 34 year old "Good AIDS" "Bad AIDS" crap. First off, it ain't none of your freaking business how! Does knowing how change how you feel about him? If it does, shame on you. All it takes is one person, one time.

2. Charlie admits that he has had unprotected sex, but that his partner(s) knew that he was HIV positive and was also under his doctor's care. People seemed to be outraged by this fact, like they fucking Charlie. *Blank Stare* The problem I see is not Charlie, but the mass majority have not caught up with the medical advancements around HIV.

a) It is true that an HIV infected person with an Undetectable Viral load CANNOT infect another person with HIV. It does not matter, how many times they have unprotected sex, you cannot transmit HIV when your Viral Load is Undetectable.

b) Charlie said that his partner was also under his doctor's medical care. So I am assuming that just maybe the person (s) he was having unprotected sex with was also taking PrEp. Which is a once a day pill that will PREVENT a person from becoming HIV infected. That's a double positive people. You cannot infect a person if your viral load is undetectable and your partner can also take PrEp. These are medical FACTS! There is no BUT!

3) Charlie admitted having sex with prostitutes and in those cases he used a condom and also disclosed his HIV status. BRAVO! Now, I know people with HIV who use a condom 100%, but do not disclose their HIV status. They feel, if their viral load is undetectable, why should they have to disclose. There are now doctors who share this same opinion. Personally, I think disclosure is the best policy, especially if the relationship grows. But at the end of the day everyone has to decide how they choose to live their life with HIV. I dare not judge another. So I say BRAVO that Charlie was upfront and honest.

Now, what's really jacked up in this case, is that someone took the information given to them for there protection and used it against him. Even sadder, is the climate around HIV that creates an opening for someone to be blackmailed. If people didn't judge those living with HIV so harshly, those living with HIV wouldn't be afraid to disclose, nor would there be any room to blackmail a person. Yep, I came full circle back to STIGMA!

4) I cannot tell you where Charlie is in disease progression. If I had known his T-Cell Count and his Viral Load when he was first diagnosed, I could give you a good guess on how long he has actually been infected. Once you start treatment, there is no way for a lay person to figure it out. That is information he and his doctor knows. I do wonder about the night sweats, which sounds like an AIDS Related medical issue, rather than an HIV. There are no HIV symptoms.

These are the facts as told by Charlie,

He has been infected at least 4 years
He is in treatment
His viral Load is Undetectable
He is on an 4 HIV medicine Cocktail ( BTW-So Am I)

5) Charlie is an addict. Addiction is not good for people living with HIV. First off, addiction has it's own medical issues, depending on your drug of choice. Secondly, alcohol and drugs can have an adverse effect on HIV medication. Even some over the counter and alternative medications can effect the viability of HIV medication. So lets hope he is getting the help that is needed to control addiction.

6) Charlie talked about Manic behavior. It has been long speculated that he might be BiPolar. IF this is the case he will have an up hill battle. Mental illness can be a barrier to complying with medical treatment of any kind. Also, depression is very common among people living with HIV. I have also had an up hill battle with depression that requires me to both be medicated and see regular talk therapy.

Lastly, should he have disclosed, earlier. I think a person should disclose when they are ready. He spoke another truth "HIV are three words that are hard to absorb." I get that. It took me 7 years and I still only disclosed because I thought that I was dying. Well with a T-Cell count of 8 I was, but then I had a great doctor and I did what was asked of me, no matter how difficult it was. I have also been drug and alcohol fee.

I have some compassion for Charlie Sheen. Is he my hero, no. Hydeia Broadbent is my HIV hero, born with HIV, she became an AIDS Activist at age 6 and has not stopped well into her thirties. Sheryl Lee Ralph is my HIV activist hero, an actress who is NOT infected but made a decision to do speak out for the rejected and locked out. YOU are my hero, those of you who follow me on my social media sites, read my blog, buy my bracelets because your support keeps me going, and growing, 32 years living with HIV.

I do however, think in an era where HIV is no longer a sexy topic, Charlie Sheen can help to open space for new dialogue. Charlie Sheen can use his money and his celebrity status to help. I mean really help. Does he have to become an AIDS Activist per say, no, but he can truly help. Shoot, I would love to partner with Charlie to speak at colleges across this country.

For sure there is still work to be done. Every 10 minutes a person becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Yes there is work to be done.

My hope is that Charlie Sheen will continue to get the needed help to live and thrive living with HIV.

Monday Reflection: Get Up From The Table When Shit Is Being Served!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Mon, 05 Oct 2015 20:00:00 +0000

Everybody got some "thing" going on in their life most of the time, if not all of the freaking time.

Some "things" cannot be helped, like an illness you didn't see coming. Like last year when my Sophie was diagnosed with cancer on Wednesday and on the following Monday I had to put her down.

Like a job that ended unexpectedly, death in the family, someone hitting your car, without stopping and you are left with the task of getting a new one.

Like a person betrays your trust and your life is changed without your permission. Like recently I met a guy who had been in a monogamous relationship for five years, so he thought. After a few years of condom use, he let his guard down and now he is living with HIV. Just that quick, someone else made a decision to do something with their life and it changed both lives.

While some "things" are out of our control, there are "things" in our life we help create. Like that boyfriend that continues to disrespect you whether it be small or big, (by the way a lot of small adds up to big) yet you just keep hanging on. Like the friend who treat's you like shit, but you keep sitting at the table where the shit is being served.

In both of those cases the fist time was on them, but everything after is about how you decide to deal with it. When shit is being served and you hang around, you tell that person, just by your presence that its O.K. It does not matter what comes out of your mouth. Action always speaks louder than words and your participation creates that "thing in your life, i.e. the stress and chaos.

Now, there is some "things" we can avoid altogether, like when you have just enough money to pay your bills, but you purchased that new "thing" that you convinced yourself was ok, instead of paying all of your bills and now you're stressed cause the bills are pass due. I know how this can be, a couple of months ago I broke one of my cardinals rules "don't spend money that I don't have in my hand."

It does not matter that I'm expecting money to come in, I just don't over extend myself on the front end anymore. I learned that lesson so many times and I know better. Well, my fur needed to be repaired and put in storage. The furrier wanted upfront money that I didn't have. Because he respects what I do for a living he allowed me to pay installments.

I made a commitment to pay something that day, which I did; Pay something the following Monday because I was expecting a check that Friday and then to have the bill paid in full by the end of August. Needless to say, that check didn't come in for over a month and then everything that could have gone wrong did, and I lost control.

First off, it made me look like a lair and because my word is my honor I became stressed trying to keep the commitment that I had made. I gave him money that should have gone to other bills, just to keep as much of my commitment as possible. You talking about stresssssssseddddd OMG! Just waiting on money to come in became stressful. And to make matters worst, everything I thought would happen the way I thought it would happen, didn't. Even paper work to process a check got crazy and I got crazier. This was a two month long drama that I had caused. I should have taken my fur back home until I had the money to pay for it.

Yep, we all got some "thing" going on in our life whether it's of our own making or not. At the end of the day though, it's not about the "thing" per say, it's about how we deal, what we learn and what we do next. You all know that Sophie's death sent me into a serious year long depression. I was in it before I even realized it, but once I accepted that truth, I started the hard work of climbing out of that darkness.

No, I didn't look for the light at the end of the tunnel to rescue me, I started crawling in the darkness searching for a way out of the tunnel. Sometimes you have to do the important work in the darkness.

Even in the fur situation, I had to accept the reality. I didn't have the money, I broke my word to the furrier and all that I could do was make good as soon as I could. Those last two weeks before I paid him off, I decided to buy groceries instead of giving him all that I had. Lesson had been learned, don't break that cardinal rule again for something as frivolous as getting a fur repaired.

You can't always change that "thing" in your life, but you can determine what happens at the end of that "thing." Like the guy who ended up with HIV. He said after some destructive behavior of his own, he literately uprooted and changed his environment. Today, he is living the best he can with what he has to deal with. Ex-Boyfriend gone, no more binge drinking, he accepted HIV because it ain't going anywhere. He's taking his medication, his viral load is undetectable and he has excelled at work in the last year, more than he had in the past 5 years.

I don't think life is about the "thing" that happens to us, the "thing" is just the middle, its what happens at the end of that "thing" that helps to shape who you are. It's about finding yourself, finding your voice and even finding your purpose.

As you go through your "thing" remember it's not about that "thing" it's about how you deal with that "thing."

No matter how difficult it might be, you have to get up from the table where shit is being served, whether it's your shit or someone else's.

My depression hit me hard, but I decided it didn't have to hit me forever. I got up from the table and started working with professionals that could help me, help myself. That's how you live your best life. You take charge of those things that you can. You don't let that "thing" control your life forever. With every "thing"you have the power to empower yourself, even in the darkest of "things."

Stop Blocking The Next Chapter of Your Life!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Tue, 25 Aug 2015 15:48:00 +0000

I took an unexpected vacation from blogging. No, it was not health related. My emotional and physical health is great. It's just that I've had so much work to do in other areas of my life, that blogging took a back sit. Be clear though, while on this blogging vacation, I realized that I LOVE blogging and I've missed it like I miss bread when I'm doing my Paleo diet, LOL but For Real.

Yet, I also realize that you sometimes have to step back so that you can move forward. Sometimes you have to let go of somethings in order to grab onto that other thing hanging in the balance. If not, you risk it all tumbling down. You can only hold so much in your hands and that's an undisputed fact. And while it all may be important to you, there's nothing in the book of life that say's you cannot put it down and then come back to pick it up.

So I've been plugging away and even at times simply muddling through with the edits on my memoir Unprotected. (Thanks for the pre-orders) I'm still planning to release it December 1, 2015, so I suspect the next couple of months I'll be really super single focused. I'll try to get a blog or two in weekly.

I'm in hump time and it needs to be finished. It's like one of those things you just have to do. It's like when you are at the end of a wonderful book and you're sleepy, but you can't put it down. I have that urgency in my spirit, I gotta finish! There is closure at the end of a good book no matter the outcome. You can sit back and say, "WOW, But, How-come," and to me that's the thing that makes a book good, it leaves you thinking. And the best part, once it's all done, you can pick up yet another good book. And the new book, gives you something new to think about

That's how I feel about my memoir, I need to finish this era of my life so that I can start writing the new book. Maya Angelou did just that. Most of her books where memoirs of different era's of her life. Now I'm not saying that I'm writing a new book, who knows what the future holds. I am saying metaphorically it's time to write this book, tell that story and move to the next phase of my life.

Even though I know all of this, I've still been paralyzed. I think that this paralysis is caused by the fullness of my story and the things that need closure. Like who infected me with HIV; Who molested me as a child; My dysfunctional relationship with my white biological mother and my black step grandmother, who raised me; How I dealt with homelessness at 17; My work on the Jesse Jackson presidential campaigns; How my childhood lead me to HIV; that marriage of mine; and of course how God undergirded my life, despite my life.

The fact of the matter, finishing this memoir brings a certain kind of closure to parts of my life. I get that!!! Finishing this memoir will break the chains of my past and render it powerless over my future.

And just maybe I've been stuck on the edits because of the fear of my past being so public. And that in turn is controlling my outcome, my future. Another fact, I've been so authentic and transparent up to this point, I know that I can't let this fear block the best of my gift, that is, being able to tell my story in a way it enriches the lives of others. I can't be chicken shit now that I done told you all the other stuff.

At the end of the day, we all have things that we are holding onto that we should have let go a long time ago. Like that man you should have unfollowed on Facebook or that "sometimey" friend who's pictures you should have stopped liking on Instagram like yesterday.

I don't know about you, but I don't want anything to hold me back from what's next. Whether it's physically or emotionally, I'm trying to be my best me. So I'm going to bunker down these next two months and finish my memoir.

I understand that you have to do what's necessary to break the chains of your past. Sometimes adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse write their abusers a letter and then burn it as a way of releasing the abuser hold over them. I know they tell people in recovery to remove themselves from people and places that facilitated their addiction. Maybe moving on means, accepting a marriage proposal from a wonderful man as a way to let go of what went wrong in your last marriage.

I don't know what you have to do in your own life to move forward whether you have unfollow, delete, write it out, burn it out, accept something new and wonderful even if you can't predict the outcome, but I do know, as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you are placing limitations on your future. And as sure as you are reading this blog, God has a next for you. But in the end, it's up to you to embrace it. The bible says that you cannot put new wine in old bottles. Stop blocking the next chapter of your life by holding onto what was.

God Always Has A Next!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 15:01:00 +0000

What I know for sure is that God always has a next! I have believed this since I was a little girl being told I was never gonna be shit. Even back then after every unjust beating, I continued to have hope for something better than my right now.

In time I learned, if I just kept holding on, there was something new for me. Now, it didn't always amount to the the things I wanted most, for the abuse to stop, but there was always something to make life worth living. Like the black theatre company, Thunder and the choir, Project Advancement Gospel Ensemble in high school. Those things were a joy to my soul and gave me a place to be other than my home.

Now, for sure it wasn't just about waiting on next, but putting myself in the right places at the right time. Sometimes we wait on next like it's going to fall in our lap, when in fact you may need to get off your ass and get to next. For example, I had to at least go to the information meetings about the theatre company and choir when I was in high school. I had to act on my own behalf.

I could have allowed the pain of my home stop me from living, but I choose to keep moving, keep searching for a better life. I believed that I was better than what my mother said I was and I went searching for better. The choir and theatre company gave me not only a respite from the chaos at my home, but a place that could nurture my self-esteem.

What I'm saying is this, it's about believing, but also about doing something in your right now. Why complain about something better, when you ain't doing nothing better?

I've carried that belief into my adulthood, no matter how bad it may seem in my right now, I kept on pushing to see what God had next for me. At my lowest moments with AIDS, I kept this belief close to my heart. When my T-Cell Count was as low as 8, I was crisscrossing this country speaking and giving voice to the voiceless.

If I had allowed the hardship of my disease control my life, rather than continue on my life journey, I would have never met my BFF. I didn't know then that the sixteen year old who introduced me at the Jack and Jill Event in Knoxville, TN would turn out to become my ride and die years later. But what I know for sure, if I had stop living my life purpose because my t-cell count was 8 and stayed home and withered away, I would have never crossed Luke's path. God sent me someone from an unlikely situation to have my back on this journey years later. You never know what is happening in your right now that will be a part of your next. This is way you have to keep pushing through the right now.

It's like that with every single thing. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I understand that when you are going through, it seems like it's never going to end. For those who have been following my story you know my ordeal with herpes and IV medication. It started out once a year, then every six months and then for almost two years I had to go on IV medication every three months. I was at the end of the road emotionally.

My doctor had exhausted every medical idea possible to control the herpes to no avail over a seven years period. But I just kept on pushing through occluded veins and failed pic lines and extreme side-effects. I never stop living, there were times I took my IV medication on the road with me when I had to speak. I didn't know what my future looked like, but as long as I woke up in the morning, I believed I was still a part of God's earthly plan.

I continued to let God use me through speaking, blogging and social media. When I think about all the emails and private messages I have received from people who have been touched by my ministry. I understand, that living in the right now, isn't always about me, but about how God will use you. Even if it's simply to bring a smile to a stranger on the street with an hello. We all have a purpose.

Today, it's been an year since I've had herpes and needed to go on IV medication. The saying is true, man plans, then God laughs. My doctor had even concluded that there was nothing to be done and now we are both looking like WOW. I'm saying look at God. Baby, just keep on living and watch God blow your mind.

I know life gets hard sometimes for us all. Your issue may or may not be HIV. But I'm a living witness if you just keep on believing and keep doing, no matter how futile it may seem, God will always have a next. It may not be the next thing you want, but it's the next thing that will bless you. Let me pause and say, don't turn your nose up you what God has next for you. Our blessings come in many shapes and forms, but what I know for sure, is that God always has a next!

Living with Intent!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae Lewis-Thornton) — Wed, 03 Jun 2015 13:56:00 +0000

Now that I'm well into my 50's there seems to be no turning back. I'm doing what I should have done in my 30's and for sure when I started to see my 40's that is, live with intent. Well, I sort of lived with very limited intent for 20 years plus, that is, to tell my story to as many people as possible before I died. It was a lofty goal that I did very well. I mean I have spoken at literally hundreds of venues from colleges, churches, high schools and conferences. The only thing is that this goal was single focused and connected to death. Then, I didn't die. Limbo!

As crazy as this may sound, not dying honestly, left me scrambling day to day. I've done everything I had to do to get to the next day, but I rarely thought about the bigger picture and how next month or year was connected to today. As I move into the future, I know it's time for a paradigm shift. I not only need, but I want a new life construct to get me through the rest of my life. One that enriches both me and the lives of others.

I use to say that I was living in the midst of dying and that was my truth. For sure, as AIDS was eating away at my body, I was doing that thang. I got up every morning dressed up and participated in life, but expecting death.

Now my vision for myself is to live until I do die. That means that I'm living life with intent that encompasses the fullness of life. This means I ask myself, "Why am I doing this?" with every single thing. From the food I put in my mouth, to buying a handbag, to every blog I write. I ask these questions, what's my intent? Does it enrich my life or the lives of others? Does it feel right? Or do I have to convince myself? By the way, when you have to convince yourself or have someone else amen your corner, it's probably an action from the head and not the soul.

I ask myself even with each purchase, Why this handbag, today? Is it to fill some void or make me forget? Is is to show off? Why do I have that need? Is this purchase drama free? Drama free meaning, will it leave me broke and unable to pay the rest of my bills? Will I like how I feel tomorrow if I do this today? Why do I want this thing in my life today?

I search my soul for clarity because the mind can convince you to do some dumb shit. Y'all know I'm telling the truth. This is how it goes, you say to yourself; if I don't get the handbag today, it may be gone when I come back. If I use some of my bill money for this, I will make it up when I get paid next week. And the list goes on and on.

That even goes for a man, me included. Been there, done that thang that hurt my soul and rationalized it away. I'm not even going to entertain the justification list for a man, that's a blog for another day because the list is to long. At the end of the day we just let our mind run all over our soul. The soul always knows what to do! ALWAYS! And it always has your best interest.

Oprah says that she ask the intent question with everything she does. She wants to be at peace going into a situation and coming out of a situation. That is the goal for me. I want a clear and positive focus. I want to make the best moves for my soul. Lawd, yep, I'm planning for my 60's and 70"s in my 50's. It is NEVER to late to change course. For me, this means that I have grown by leap and bounds. I'm proud of me.

I just finished reading Kris Jenner's autobiography. And I know some of you are not Kardashian fans. I've heard the mean things people say and while y'all talking shit about them, they have not missed one beat. Their brand keeps growing and growing. I'm curious to how people live their lives and build their brand, so I picked up her memoir, Kris Jenner And All Things Kardashian. It was a pretty good book. For sure she has worked her ass off.

After leaving her husband Robert Kardashian, for a younger guy who was a piece of shit, and then realizing it after the fact ( see the mind can make you think a good fuck is love), she found herself with no money of her own.

When Kris met Bruce Jenner she was in the middle of a divorce with four kids and Bruce didn't even have a business card and was living pay check to pay check. She got debilitate about their life and helped to put him back on the map. During that time, it was about putting food on the table. I know what that feels like. What am I going to do to simply get from day to day? Food on the table was her primary motivation.

It wasn't until Kris was hitting 50 and the show was in it's first season that she started living with intent for the future of her family, rather than hand to mouth. She listened to her soul. Her gut told her it felt right and with everything she did, she asked the hard questions. What's next? How do we continue to be better and do better? How do I turn 15 minutes of fame into 30 and 30 into an hour? What does it mean to live our life on stage and how does it help all of us, her family and the universe.

You must ask yourself the hard questions and be ready for the answers, your truths. You must also be prepared to do the hard work. You can't make sugar out of shit, but you certainly can make candy out of sugar and the last time I checked sugar was less than $3 bucks for a five pound bag; But first you got to buy that bag of sugar. Every action has a reaction.

You must be willing to buy into your own dream. No one is going to hand it to you on a silver platter. You must invest in yourself to reap any benefits. Every time I think about a new handbag, I remind myself of the tea line I'm working on. I ask myself, which is more important, Tea With Rae or slinging a new handbag?

No one owes you a damn thing. You reap what you sow. If you sow handbags, five years from now you will have a lot of old bags taking up space, if you invest in your feature, you will reap the benefits, with handbags you dreamed of.

Kris said "Passion can be as powerful as preparation" Oprah put it this way, "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity." Kris had a vision and made a plan. She had a check list and every time a door opened she wasn't afraid to go through it. Kris and Kim meet every six mouths to plan their next step. No matter what you think about Kim, she is one hard working woman, nor is she afraid of failure. There is no lost in trying nor is their lost in preparation, something good going in, always means something good coming out. When are you going to STOP talking about that dream and put it into action?

Vision is everything. Your gut, your soul, whatever you want to call it is never wrong. The problem is the limitations we place on ourselves. My limitations were rooted in the life expectancy of a person living with AIDS. Back then it was three years. I was blinded by death and then I lived.

Oprah said she had a vision that she would be teaching thousands of people and it was very different from her talk show. Her vision finally came true, but first after years of the Oprah Show she had to be willing to walk away from one thing to embrace another. Fear lays in your head, not in your soul.

As I move forward with my life. I will pause and ask you, how are you preparing to live your best life? Intent is deliberate and deliberate means action.