Rae Lewis-Thornton: Diva Living with AIDS

You Mad Cause Why? But You Knew He Was Married!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 14:33:00 +0000

I heard her say, "I'm so stressed out." Yep, I was ear hustling in the gym about a month ago. I didn't mean to, but she was talking so loud. Then she said,
"He's married!"

You know I really started listening then. Shoot I wanted to hate her with him. Girl bonding in the gym and I didn't even know her. She was so dramatic as she walked on the elliptical and talked to her friend on the phone.

"YES!"

"MARRIED! "She said.

"Im so repulsed." She took a deep breath.

"I hate he ever touched me!"

You know she had me by then. I was locked in, rock, stock and barrel. I started feeling sad for her.

"That Bastard," I mumbled to myself. Why do men continue to play that stupid ass game? You want some choochiee other than your wife's that's between you and God, but at least be honest. Give a woman a choice. Let her know what she's giving her body, mind and spirit over too. Let her determine your worth for her. She kept talking and I kept right on listening.

"Yes!"
"His wife posted a picture of him on his Facebook page getting ready to have a procedure."

"I can't believe that!"

"His WIFE!"

"I'm soooo repulsed!"

I had to laugh, Facebook will spill the beans every time. I was feeling really sorry for this woman. Then it got COMPLICATED! I heard her say,
"I asked him if he was married?"

Hummmm so I wondered immediately did she have a reason to think he might be married or was she just doing the standard check that I ask right out, 1) Are you married 2) Have you ever had sex with a man 3) When was the last time you were tested for HIV? Yep, those are my three and they should be yours too! It's called self-love and self-care!

She knocked me out of my thoughts when she said
"I kept asking him, if he was married."

Another red flag.
"Why would she kept having to ask him if he was married?" I though to myself. Once should have been enough!

So this really was COMPLICATED! I shifted in my thoughts from a woman bonding over a sorry ass men to Life Coach Rae! I tuned back to her conversation.

"He kept pursuing me and keep pursing me," she said all dramatically.

"OMG!"
"Im so repulsed!" She hollered, then continued with the details.

"I asked him over and over about that ring on his finger." She hollered!

Ohhhhhh shit, so he was wearing a ring. Was she stuck on stupid? And you know I wanted to ask her to. But I just shook my head and kept right on listening. She was getting to the real story now. Truth always comes to the light. Don't you know there is always a real story! Yep! She started in on the details.

"Yes," She continued, "He kept liking all my stuff on Facebook."

There we go with flirting on Facebook again. My thoughts started to wonder. Been there, done that and I'll NEVER do that one again as long as I'm Rae Clara Lewis-Thornton. FACT! Her loud voice brought me back to the right now.

"He said that the marriage was bad and that he was moving out and getting a divorce," she mumbled.

"Do men still really say that stupid shit?" I asked myself. Most importantly, do women still believe that stupid shit?

Now Life Coach Rae would have said, the moment you saw the ring was the moment you should have kept it moving. He's married and even if he was getting a divorce, why would you want to be involved with someone who is still trying to close a door in another place?

I've been there and believe me you don't even have a 1/4 of him and if there are children, you have even less. I've done it all and I am woman enough to speak out of my mistakes and my experiences. I share my growth so you can grow. Back to the story.

"Then he showed up one day without a ring," she explained to her friend on the other end.

"I asked him what happened to the ring?"

Was she really that stuck on stupid? You know I wanted to ask her, "Why didn't you leave him the fuck alone when you had a chance; before you gave him permission to touch you?" But I just sighed and continued to listen.

"He told me that he had moved out and that it was official," she told her friend.

"Yes," I heard her answering a question,
"I did ask him where he lived. And I was confused because I know that building and I know people who live there. But he assured me," she explained and then started venting again.

"OMG!"

"I'm so repulsed!"
"I hate that I ever let him touch me!"
"I don't want anything to do with him."
"He just kept on pursuing me, just kept on!"
"I hate him!"
"I hate him!"

There I was. I had come full circle in my bonding with this young woman somewhere between the age of 25-30. I wanted to take her to Starbucks and have a cup of tea, but there was nothing I could say to her on that day. She was not ready to hear the truth. She was not ready to accept her culpability in her pain on that day.

The fact of the matter is that he was married and she knew it. He actually did tell her. It does not matter the story he created to explain his marriage away. The bottom line was, when she met him he was still living with his wife. That was her cue to walk away. Instead, she continued to play with fire and flirt with him on Facebook.

Then she had the nerve to say in her rage.

"His wife is never on Facebook."
"I can't believe she posted on his page."
I gave her the side eye from hell. Huh? That's her husband Facebook page. She has ALL the rights and privileges. She was letting his friends/ their friends know that he was getting ready to go into surgery. Why you mad?

" She must have felt something."
So I commented on her post, just so he would KNOW that I KNOW that he's still married."
I wanted to say, "Baby you so confused."
The fact of the matter, she did KNOW that he was still married. So now what was her point of disrespecting his wife? You mad cause why? You knew he was married!!

So my question is, What is it about her, within her that she continued to flirt with this man that she knew was taken? Even if she believed that he was getting a divorce, when they met, he was still living at home with his wife. Why continue to flirt with him on Facebook. Whether she wants to accept it or not, she was disrespectful to his marriage and his wife with the continued back and fourth on Facebook. She was at fought before she ever had sex with him. She gave him permission to pursue her married.

The question is Why? What was going on in her head really? What justification did she give herself. Then, why would she even want him? He had unfinished business that would continue to altar their relationship. Why would she want to go in with this baggage?

Why didn't she just walk away and say, once you clean up your situation and is in a better place to give me all of you, look me up. What was her need that she allowed herself to go in deeper and deeper?

Even when his story wasn't adding up and she knew it wasn't adding, she continued to flirt with him. What was going on with her that she continued to pursue and be pursued? She continued to meet him for drinks and that eventually gave him permission to bed her.

I know for me, a man with attachments other than me, is not worth me because you can only have a part of him. Why should I give all of me and get a part of you? Now don't be confused, for you new comers to my blog, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. It took me a long time to get here. Like I said, I have done it all. It took me a long time to like me, then to love me, but I'm here now and there is no turing back. At the end of the day, I got to live with me and all of my actions; the things I do to myself and the thinks I allow to be done to me.

She has to deal with the fallout and face the truth. The truth that she knew all along, but justified it somewhere along the way.

For sure she has lost a part of herself that she can never regain. That's the worst, when you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve to have that part of you.

Now don't be confused. Of course he has culpability in this, but he is who he is. He wanted to fuck and did everything that was necessary to do just that.

He was a jackass from day one! That goes without saying. But to often we women, me included walk away hurt without accepting any responsibility. It takes two to tango!

At he end of the day, she should have kept it moving. Now she has to work through the emotional baggage that could have been avoided in the first beginning. For sure, until she accepts her own culpability, she will never really heal. She was mad and hurt that day. My heart went out to her, for her own foolishness.

Monday Reflection: God Don't Always Give Neat Blessings!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 10 Jun 2013 11:57:00 +0000

"Your Misery is your Ministry," the young man Elijah said from the pulpit on Sunday. I shot straight up! "You better say that," I shouted at him. Elijah, the speaker for our youth day at my church is a member who has been living with Sickle Cell Anemia. Diagnosed at 2 months old, he walked us through his journey. He has been in and out of the hospitals his entire life, but he never gave up.

Might I add, neither did his mother or grandmother. That's why children must have some God fearing, God loving, faithful adults in their life. Half of the problem I think today in the African-American community is that we are now creating generations of unchurched. I remember when grandmama, at least was going to make sure that child was covered in the blood. Today, we have some unchurched grandmothers, with young girls having babies younger and younger.

Elijah was surrounded by Christians and introduced to God right early. It was this foundation that undergirded his journey. There were times when he was hospitalized two-three weeks at a time, home for a couple of weeks and then back in the hospital for another two-three weeks. His junior year he was hospitalized up to six weeks and still maintained a 3.1 GPA. Shoot, I was hospitalized for twenty-three days a few years back and I thought that I had lost my mind, if I thought at all. Study? Are you kidding me, with nurses waking you up all hours of the night.

He talked about how his life has been filled with misery and while he continues to persevere, he came to a place where he questioned God, "Why me? Why can't I be a normal child with a normal life?"

In time, he came to realize that his misery was indeed a blessing to others. His testimony could, would and did bless another person. He encouraged us to keep our faith!

You talking about setting me straight, I got right straight with my attitude, which has been some kinda funky. might I add in the last month. He reminded us that God doesn't always bless us in a neat package. Sometimes we live with misery and out of our faithfulness, God blesses us in our misery. I knew that all along, but Elijah certainly reminded me to move beyond myself and continue to be a blessing even when I feel like a mess, even when I am a mess. The bible says, "God's strength is made perfect in your weakness." Clearly young Elijah reminded me of just that on yesterday.

He's headed to Morehouse College in the fall. In fact, he was accepted on early admissions and this was his first choice. He certainly has the spirit and demeanor of a Morehouse Man! I thought about him long and hard when I came home from church yesterday. That's why I'm up at 5:00 am, I couldn't sleep with this freshness that was given to me by this young man. He reminded me that God's history in our lives should be reassurance for our future. When I tell you I needed to hear this, I needed to hear this.

On Saturday I was at a funeral of a long time member of West Point, 68 years she was a member of our church. I sat there and for a moment I started to think about death, my death. I started to think about the hard work I'm putting into RLT Collection trying to make it a super success. For a tiny moment I asked myself these questions, Is it in vain? Will I die right on the edge of success? Will I see 55 and how much hardship will I continue to have on this journey? How much more can I take?

Elijah brought me right back to myself on Sunday! It doesn't matter when I die or how hard it is in my right now. Life is a gift from God! God has given us a life to live and flourish and thrive, not just for ourselves but for the life of others. Your suffering may be a gift to someone's else journey. It may be the thing that gives them reason to live. Someone tweeted me once, "A friend of mind said, that if you can go on so could she." That hit me hard. People watch for my tweets, wait for me to say that the tea kettle is on. If I can find a reason to live and go on so can they. I've been told that on many occasions. Sometimes I get stuck.

Well, on yesterday, young Elijah inspired me and I got unstuck. If he can go on to Morehouse and then to medical school as planned, with Sickle Cell that keeps him in and out of the hospital, I can also continue to go on. I'm getting back to my life. Thank you Elijah! Thank you for reminding me to remember my History with God. Surely no matter how difficult my days have been in the pass, God continues to hold me up. Even in my misery there has been some goodness.

I leave you with this. We expect God to bless us in a neat little package. But that's not how it works. Remember the three Hebrew Boys? We always talk about how God delivered them from the fiery furnace. But no one talks about the fact they they were in captive down in Babylon. You can search the Old Testament all day long and you will never find that they were delivered out of bondage.

The bible says that God lifted them up in their bondage and made them leaders in that strange land. I think it is so awesome that in your weakness God can shine the brightest. You may not get a neat blessing; but for sure, if you remain faithful, God will give you everything you need to make it through your fire and if you get burned, God will give you an ointment to sooth the pain.

When Enough is Enough...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:18:00 +0000

My last few weeks have been crazy, bizarre, difficult, did I say crazy? I was blind sided and it sent me over the cliff. For Real! The last time I wrote a blog I had declared war on my body fat. It took a minute but I got in a groove. I had made it to the gym up to 4 days a week. I was back to a great routine, working on new bracelet designs, shipping out orders, working on the AIDS ministry at church. I was feeling good and feeling good about myself, then I got hit by a Mack truck. It seemed to all come tumbling down at the same time. I started to get nerve pain in my back. Then I started to feel wiped out and then I though I had an herpes outbreak. Well, it certainly looked like herpes to both me and my doctor.

You know then, it was time to go back on IV medication. I spent my birthday at the doctors, then came home to get the house ready to receive medical supplies and bags of IV medication.

Then Sophie woke up in pain. I rushed her to the vet and she had a decompressed disc. Then the nurse came to get me started on my IV medication and after 3 tries of accessing the port, she gave up. She said in 15 years she has never had a port this difficult to access. Then I had to got back to have the experts look at the port. It took a ton of ex-rays and eventually the attending to access the port

After messing around at the clinic then the hospital for
8 hours in total, I came home to a very sick baby. I dropped my handbag on the floor and went straight to her pain medication. she was hurting and I was hurting and hurting even more that I had to spend the day at the hospital dealing with this damn port again. Oh, did I say that I had a complete and total melt down at the doctors office before they sent me over to hospital to look inside my port? Thank God for Deacon Erica who called right at the time of the meltdown, then came over to the medical professional building and went over to the hospital with me and stayed until I got registered,

Sophie wouldn't walk pass the house. Most nights she was up and I was up with her. Nothing worse than a dog full of life being sick. Well, maybe her not being able to talk and tell me where she hurts. Those eyes of pain were a killer, for real.

Then I started IV medication and the side effects started to kick my ass. Then after a few days the port wouldn't flush so back to the hospital. Oh then the home health care nurse quit because she didn't want any liability for the port. So after going back to get the chef of the department to look at the port, which he did and got to work in like 30 seconds, my Infectious disease doctor took me off the IV medication because the herpes culture came back negative.

Now we are thinking that menopause is playing a jacked up game on my vagina! It's red and raw and itches and most days I want to cut it out and sit it on the side of the road.

Then Sophie, my bay girl, needed to go on new medication because week two and she still didn't want to walk. We were up most nights. Me trying to make her better and take care of me at the same time. Bracelet orders got backed up, my spirit began to crash. Into week 3 and I had had enough. I shut down from the world. I've spent the last 3 days off social media, reading and not interacting with most of the world. I was trying to find the lost me.

Then last night after 3 long weeks, when we got in bed, Sophie wanted to play with her toy. I of course didn't want to engage the world. Remember I'm still lost. I just wanted to be sad. I mean she had been so sick. My vagina is still raw and red and my chest is still sore from all the poking; but Sophie insisted that we play with her pink uterus stuff toy.

It was as if Sophie had declared, enough is enough is enough. I got it! God spoke loud and clear through my little angel. So we are getting back to our normal routine. I'm up writing a blog, she's still getting her beauty rest. Which is a wonderful thing to see, because sleep hasn't come easy for her in the last 3 weeks. Bracelets orders will get filled and the gym is my plain sight. Will I get back to my normal over night? No... but if I don't start somewhere, normal will never have a chance.

You see, at the end of the day, there is always a morning. The question is, what will you do with your morning after the storm clears and your midnight has turn into day?

When we wake in the morning we are still a part of God's earthly plan. No matter what you are facing even when your morning feels like midnight, God still has a plan for your life.

The most awesome thing is in God's awesome love, we are blessed with the gift to say enough is enough, in our right now. We might not be able to change our situation in the right now, but you can change how you see your right now.

Birthday Special For RLT Collection!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 22 May 2013 14:49:00 +0000

In honor of my Birthday today, May 22nd, I'm offering 22% off all RLT Collection Bracelets!!!!
The Coupon Code is Birthday2013! The Sale will last who knows... :) But it will be around for at least a week! Thank you for all of your support! Shop Here!

RLT Collection News...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 17 May 2013 13:04:00 +0000

I'm having a 15% off Sale thur Sat at Midnight. Coupon Code May2013 This will also apply to bracelets that have been marked down. Shop Here!

There are still some Bracelets of the Week from the last two weeks left. Already marked at a great price, plus you get the extra 15% off, Coupon Code May2013. Tira wearing both in the picture above. They look great together. Shop Here!

For The Love of Chrysoprase has been marked down plus an extra 15% off. Coupon Code, May2013. The Chrysoprase is one of my favorite stones and it stacks well with agates. Shop Here!

The new Unisex Bracelets on the website are wonderful! 15% off Coupon Code May2013 Shop Here!

The Spring Forward Collection are fun colors in Jade Gemstones at a special price plus 15%off coupon code may2013. I'm selling out of these so hurry. Shop Here!

Follow RLT Collection on Instagram for all of your bracelet fashion and tends @RLTCollection my personal Instagram is RaeLT

Tea With Rae: Weight Lost Series-Sakura Allure

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 14 May 2013 11:53:00 +0000

It is no secret that I am not a big fan of green tea. You can look at my Tea Review history and it speaks volumes. Now, I'm finding myself faced with having to drink more green tea.

You all know that I'm trying my best to lose some of this body fat created by my HIV medications and added by very little movement with my on and off IV medications.

Well, because green tea is suppose to help with weight lost I had to rethink green tea. I remember Tracye Madre telling me one day, that she makes herself drink it because of it's benefits to weight lost, and she has adjusted to the taste. You remember Tracye, she has lost over 100 pounds from working out and eating healthy. She has even launched a training business. You read my blog that mentions Tracye here and connect with her here.

For sure a cup of regular green tea is an acquired taste. For the longest I have been in search of a blended green tea that didn't have that green tea taste. Well, Teavana posted this picture of Sakura Allure Green Tea on Instagram. I said to myself, "Any tea that's this pretty has got to taste good."

I made my way over to Teavana to give it a smell and lo and behold, it smelled like I was walking in a field of blossoms. So I took some home and it sat and sat and sat. I think I had a mental block because for sure I have had some green teas that smelled wonderful but the taste left a lot of be desired.

Well, a friend was in town and we went to Teavana. She asked the staff about a green tea with a great taste and they produced Sakura Allure. I was put to shame and I had to laugh to myself, "I have that tea at home," I mumbled. It was stuffed in my tea cabinet with my other 100 or so teas. The shame I felt, forced me to come home and try it. I mean I'm the try queen. I will give any tea a one try.

OMG! By far Sakura Allure Green Tea is the BEST Green Tea that I have ever drank! This is a blended tea of Sakura Blossoms, mango, candied pineapples, rose and hibiscus. It's a wonderful combination that compliments the Sakura- Cherry Blossom that grows in Japan. Like most cherry blossoms, they only bloom a limited time of the year. In Japan, you can see their beauty late march, early April and even into May.

I know you are asking, what about weight lost? Glad you asked! Green Tea comes from the same plant as black, oolong and white tea (Camellia sinensis). While all tea groups have some benefits what makes green tea special is a couple of things. One, it is not fermented before drying and steaming, which allows it to keep more of it''s antioxidants. Secondly, green tea is a rich source of polyphenol catechin.

Epigallocatechin gallate (EGCG) is the most active form of catechin responsible for green tea's anti-inflammatory, and metabolic effects. While green tea is light in caffeine, it is there and that helps EGCG assist the metabolism and body fat accumulations.

In a nut shell, it stimulates the body to burn calories and decreases body fat, epically the waist line. Green tea also lowers cholesterol, which I'm putting to the test. My bad cholesterol is very hight right now. Green tea also fights, cancer and heart disease. It is the highest in anti-inflammatory properties. of the 4 tea groups. Studies have shown over and again that green tea is a factor in weight lost. However, you must drink at least 4 cups of green tea a day to benefit from the metabolic effects.

There are many wonderful health reasons to drink green tea. If you don't like the taste. Well, today I've given you a reason to drink up; Sakura Allure at Teavana!

I will be reviewing more green teas in this weight lost series, as well as other tea groups. Stay Tuned!! Happy Cuppa!

Monday Reflection: The Power of Knowledge!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 13 May 2013 18:49:00 +0000

Knowledge is a powerful thing. We can use it for greatness or use it against the natural order of the life that God has given us. That's with every single thing in life. Just because you know how to make a bomb, does not mean you have to use it to destroy others. Nope, even the "baddest" technology can be for a greater good.

Now, my issue today isn't that complicated. In fact, in the scheme of the universe it's a small issue, but for me, it weights heavy on my heart and in my freaking back, tummy and arms. Two weeks ago, I made a declaration about my weight. I laid out a good argument on why I need to hit the gym. I was good that week and then last week it went to hell in a hand basket. CLICK Here to Read!

My nights were so sleepless last week that I was dragging and cranky all week. Everything I did was a struggle because of sleep deprivation. That's why I didn't blog last week. I was too tired and cranky to even think. Menopause is kicking my tail. I guess they call it pre- menopausal. I haven't stop my menstrual cycle just yet, I have one every 2-5 months, but these night sweats and mood swings have been all consuming. Let me tell you, waking up from sleep in the middle of the night because it feels like you are on fire from the inside is not pretty. Waking up twice in the middle of the night is like a nightmare from hell.

When I made it to therapy last week, I thought that I was losing my mind. We tried to unpack this issue as best as we could. The fact of the matter is I have a lot of discipline and I do every single thing I put my mind to, so what is the darn problem?

The size 2 suit is to big. Look at the looseness in the arms.

Maybe there are a few issues. One problem I think is that somewhere deep inside, I'm feeling a tad defeated by HIV in the area of weight. I started out 20 years ago in a size 8 at my lowest, a steady 10 and a 12, when I was eating more than moving.

Then I made a transition to AIDS and in 4 months I went from a 12 to a 10, to a 8, to a size 6. Then I went from a size 6 to a 4 and stayed there a while. And then I went to a size 2 to a 0. I stayed there for a while and that's when I started to see death staring me in the face. Every time I looked in the mirror, death said to me, "I'm waiting." I'm so glad that God has power over death.

Then I started the new HIV medications and I went back up to a size 6 and I stayed there for almost two years. Then after a couple of years on the new HIV medication my weight shifted. I woke up one morning and I was a size 14 at the top part of my body, a 8 at my waist line and a 2 at my thighs. I was a hot freaking mess and I cried all the time. HIV lipodystrophy is a trip. You can read an older blog post about it HERE!

Can you image the clothes drama that I have had with all these size changes with HIV? Can you image what it's like to go from magazine cover ready to photo shop ready?

At one point after my weight shifted, I was able to get it under control. I met this trainer Cornell McCleanen and working out became a way of life. I was able to get the top part of my body to a 8-10, and the waist down to a 4 and build the bottom up so I didn't look so freakin disproportionate.

Then drug resistant herpes came and I spent more time in bed then walking. For sure, working out was not on my agenda cause ummm it hurt too bad to walk.

Working out had became a way of life life for me and it was taken away right before my eyes, without any recourse. You can read about my Herpes drama HERE! The doctors are clear that the damage done to my immune system in those early day has made it possible for Herpes to become this aggressive nightmare for me today. (There are other post on herpes just search the labels)

A week of IV medication!

BUT... I have not had an herpes outbreak in 3 months that means NO IV medication! I thank God everyday, but underneath I'm holding my breath, crossing my fingers and prying that it stays away.

The point is, right now I am healthy. I have no barriers to working out. Even my therapist thinks it's a good idea. She said that working out regularly works as well as antidepressant for mild depression. Menopause does cause depression and mood swings that is for sure.

So with all this knowledge about how good working out is for me, and my success in the past with working out, what's the freaking problem? Why can't I use this knowledge for my good and wellness?

Sigh.... I have to come to terms with the fact, that

I can only control what I can control for the time that I can control it. I may never get my body to shape exacty how I want it. Lipodystrophy does not stop because you work out. I have to work extra hard to see some improvements and I then have to work to maintain those improvements.

And guest what? Herpes still may come back and then I will have to start over again. It is what it is... You can control what you can, with the knowledge that you have, while you can control what you can.

I have got to come to terms with this. That's it.... Oprah says often, "When you know better you should do better. "I say often, "Knowing better does not mean that you do better." Sometimes doing better means letting go of the easy, the familiar and the possibility of failure. In the end, as powerful as knowledge is, we render it powerless when we don't act on the goodness of what we know.

Bracelet of The Week! Neon Glam! This bracelet says Summer Fun! We LOVE LOVE LOVE these Neon Beads.

Perfect for Stacking!! This Neon bracelet is a beautiful orange 12-13 mm glass beads that have been rubberized. I am so fascinated with this rubberized glass. They take glass beads and rubberized them;how cool is that? SHOP HERE while supplies last! All Bracelets of the Week are very limited!

Peach Delight! Bracelet of the Week! Week 19!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Sun, 05 May 2013 05:00:00 +0000

Love! Love! Love! the new bracelet of the week! Week 19! Well, I love all of my bracelet designs and I wear all of them. So let me tell you about this week's bracelet special, Peach Delight! I choose these beads because they reminded me of a refreshing glass of peach ice tea in the summer.
This bracelet is a simple look with just enough color to say summer. It will wear wonderfully with all the summer colors, but it will also look great with browns.

It's designed with beautiful 10 mm faceted Fire Polish Czech Glass. The faceted cut makes the stones pop no matter which way you turn your wrist. It is in a soft preach color for the summer. The faceted beads are paired with a thin and thick disc contrast with a touch of bling.

It's at a great price of $25.00 I also suggest that you choose first class shipping to cut the cost even more. Remember, the bracelet of the week is already set at a great price and once they are gone, they are gone. Click Here to Shop!

Damn Ladies You Have All The Control #FuckinFriday

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 03 May 2013 14:01:00 +0000

Ladies, you have so much control, but often you give it up; You give it up because you don't want to be alone, lonely or without companionship. We give it up because we want to be loved. But having sex with a man will NOT guarantee love. The only thing it will guarantee is a fuck and maybe not even a good one. Furthermore, having sex without a condom sure won't earn you his heart forever, but it just might earn you a sexually transmitted disease that you will have to live with forever. Diseases such as, HIV, Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis.

So why is it that we continue to have sex without a condom? You, don't want to rock the boat? You don't want him to think that you think he is cheating? Well, the fact of the matter is, you don't really know if he's cheating. You think you know, but at the end of the day you just don't know.

You don't want him to think you may be stepping outside of the relationship? Well, if his mind is that small, then his penis should not be big enough for you. This is real talk here. If a man cannot respect the choices you make about your body and have respect that you want to keep yourself safe, then he is not worth your body.

This video has been floating around Facebook and I thought that I would share it with you. While it is super funny, it speaks volumes to the control that we have, but yet surrender each time we let a man penetrate us with out a condom... That's all I wanted to say... Wrap It Up! #FuckinFriday

And remember, every 10 minutes a person becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Don't let it be you!!!

Change Your MInd... Your Ass Will Follow...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:17:00 +0000

Only so much fucking complaining you can do about something that you can change. This is some real talk right here. You don't like how someone treats you, then stop participating. For Real, For Real. A while back I was talking to this guy and I didn't like some of his behavior. I asked him to stop, but he either wasn't cable of change or he didn't give a fuck about how I felt. So you know what I did, right? Right! I sent him a quick e-mail saying just that and asked him to not bother by reaching out again.

If I had continued to talk to him under those conditions, then I was saying to him that I didn't really mean what I had asked of him, that he never bothered to do. I figured that there was no point in having yet another stupid ass conversation with him about the same topic. We had been down that path a year or so before, this was a second chance and I was so over it. There will not be a third and that's for real!

There's a lot of stuff we don't like in our life that we can change. You don't like your job environment, then start looking for a new one. You don't like how you feel when you do something, then stop it! You don't like how people make you feel then stop giving them that chance.

There is a lot of stuff that we can change that we don't. You tried of having high blood pressure, then get it under control, take your medication but change your damn eating habits. Put the fucking salt and fat down!

While God is in charge, God has also given us unlimited free will to make choices for our lives to live whole and healthy or destructive and foolish. God is such an awesome parent! You decide and then you live with your decision and He comforts while you are in the valley. You gotta grow up, God is letting you do that one on your own.

Now, I know that some issues are deeper than saying just do it, and require deeper work in therapy to unpack! That was my truth with shopping to darn much and men.com, looking for someone to love me. Somethings require a lot of work with the right professionals. You can't be afraid or ashamed to get the help that you need to be a better you.

I will never forget that day Oprah said, once she figured out that she didn't just like potato chips, but eating was connected to her childhood sexual abuse; food had deeper issues for her and understanding that she was able to work on her weight under better conditions.

There's nothing like a mind change to change ones life. My first love Randy use to say to me all the time, "Change your mind and your ass will follow," this is the gospel truth!

However, with other things there requires a mind change and some discipline. It's not enough to now better, you have to do the better that you know. That's being your best you.

We don't apply discipline. We keep saying tomorrow and then tomorrow becomes today. My therapist use to remind me often that discipline is a transferable skill.

The sweater I'm wearing is an extra large and the skirt is a size 4

I've been whining about losing weight for a while. HIV itself combined with HIV medications causes something called lipodystrophy. It redistributes my fat from the bottom to the top; and when I gain weight it all goes to the top.

In the last two years I've been on IV medication a lot, this combined with nerve pain, I've had very little opportunity to workout and have spent more time in bed. As a result I gained 25 pounds! I've lost about 10 of those with just changing my eating habits and more movement outside the house; but for sure I have more fat pockets than hot pockets.

Now that I'm healthy give or take, I have decided to but my foot down! About two weeks ago I said I was headed to the gym. I made it that day, but then excuses took control of my life. I decided this weekend that enough was enough and on Monday I crawled out of bed and went straight to the gym. I'm headed to the doctors this morning so we will see how the rest of the week goes. The thing is, my gym is opened 24 hours. Like so what excuse can I come up with, other then me not applying discipline to my life?

This week I have done better than two weeks ago. We are at Wednesday and I've been to the gym two of the three days so far.

The thing is, I can't fit any of my clothes and y'all know I have no money to get new ones. This has forced me to wear the same ensembles over and over again, when I have a closet full of clothes. *SMDH* I have so many St. John Knit suits that I can't fit, it's a shame and a testament to waste in my life.

I hate the way lipodystrophy makes me look and I complain about it almost everyday. I really need to do this for me.

There are other reasons why I need to hit the gym other than how lipodystrophy has reshaped my body making me kinda depressed. When the fat is redistributed it tends to go to the back, the chin and the mid-section. Studies over and again have determined the more fat you have in your mid-section that more likely you are to have heart issues. On top of that, my HIV medication causes high cholesterol. I'm off the chart with very high cholesterol, the bad kind (LDL). Wouldn't it be a shame to live this long from HIV to have a heart attack or a stoke?

Me having a Dexa Scan

Then to top that off, new research is showing that HIV actually destroys a persons bone density over time. With this information my gynecologist thought that I might be at a high risk. I'm going through menopause and my mother is white. White women have more bone density issues then black women. She ordered a bone dentistry scan and low and behold I have already started to loose bone. Not enough to take the major drugs to treat it, but enough to be concerned about the direction that I'm going. I started a 1000 mg of calcium and she wants me to work out 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week as a preventative measure, before I start shrinking.

Lastly, on the health tip. Depression is an ongoing battle for me. I ain't this happy go getter all the time. Living with HIV is hard! Really hard! I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. It has been proven that working out increases the serotonin, and who doesn't need more serotonin? Come on somebody, working out has it's benefits.

This is a $500.00 Escada blouse that's hanging in my closet that's to small

So you see, I have a lot of reasons to hit the gym and change my life style. When I first developed lipodystrophy, well to be honest, after a year of literally crying about it. I was a size 14 at the top, my waist was a size 8 and my thighs and legs a size 2, I hit the gym and changed my life style.

The key is to eat healthy, minimize fat and sugar, cardio and weights. Weights are a must because the more muscle you gain the more fat you burn. Plus, I'm so small at my bottom, I need to balance it off, loose the top and build the bottom.

I was doing so well, then somewhere that just went to hell in a hand basket. I think when I started getting that drug resistant herpes, it changed my life style for sure, on and off IV meds all the time, nerve pain in my back and legs. Walking is even painful. I know that I am capable, I've done it before. I just need to be disciplined. Being healthy has to be just as important as being alive.

Soooooooo I'm saying all of this to say, some things in our life that we are unhappy about we can change. I'm so happy that God has given us free will. I know for sure that I have not been using my freewill in all areas of my life to be the best I can be.

I'm not trying to be a perfect me, I just want to be the best me! What about you? I can here Randy with that wonderful smile on his face saying as clear as day, "All you have to do darling, is change your mind and your ass will surly follow." But I've learned over the years, in order to get that ass in action, you have to add some discipline to the knowledge that you know.

Monday Reflection: When God Says So...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 16:06:00 +0000

I write my blogs when God gives me an Aha Moment! It's like this, I could be in the shower, reading a great novel, knitting, designing bracelets, having a tea moment, cuddling with my baby girl Sophie, talking with a friend or even walking to the post office when it hits me. BAM! Profound, silly or prophetic. It hits me in my gut and I know I have to give to you what has been placed in my spirit.

So lately I haven't been blogging and I'm wondering why? I can't blame my health because other than my regular, I'm having a bad "HIV" day as I call it, crazy fatigued that makes me want to stay in bed a couple of days, my health has been good. March and April no major complaints. Thanks be to God!

Since my health is not the problem, what's my problem? I was sitting on the plane half way to Austin, Texas last week thinking about it. "What the heck is going on with you girly?" I asked myself. You have been so off blogging, I sighed to myself.

What makes it so bad, I know many of you are waiting and look forward to this wisdom God has given me to give to you. Not blogging is out of God's will for my life. It's a place where I minister. I get it, so ummmmm what's my problem?

I wonder, has God stop talking to me or have I stopped listening to God? I've be thinking a lot about this lately and feeling guilty.

The best way to put it, I've been feeling like a child who knows she is disobeying a parent. You know what I'm talking about. You have that guilty look all day, praying that your mother doesn't discover the truth. I've been like Eve hiding from God in the garden after she ate the forbidden fruit. The thing is, God knows the truth already, He just wants you to admit it.

As I was looking out over the clouds, I said to myself, "Rae you have been busy doing everything but what you really should be doing."

Yep! God is talking and I hear God very well, but I confess, each morning I wake and have one excuse or another why I'm not going to blog on that day. I've allowed background noise to interfere with the message. You see, the background noise comes from my alter ego. The one who thinks she knows it all and has the answers to everything. She is in direct conflict with faith and God's will. "She to grown for her own good," as the old folks use to say.

I've allowed my alter ego to speak louder than God. This is not a good thing because my alter ego, relies on herself and not on God. She's the one that says, "I've gotta make it happen, so me and Sophie ain't homeless."

My truth about not blogging is simple, I've been balancing those couple of bad days a week that I have fatigue, with working on my Spring/Summer 2013 Bracelet Collection. I was so sick December thru February that I got behind. Typically I try to start designing a collection a couple of months before the season.

So in March, in the back drop of being so sick the early part of the winter, I had this overwhelming anxiety about money. The speaking engagement I had last week at the University of Texas, Austin was the only thing on my speaking calendar. With summer fast approaching and colleges out for the summer, bracelet sells are the only income I have coming into my humble abode. With no new bracelets on the website I started to panic.

Panic has a way of controlling your life. It clings to your thoughts and make you do what you shouldn't do. This is why people trample each over in a crowded room trying to get out. The immediate danger makes you so irrational that you bring more harm to yourself and others.

In these last two months, especially this month. I've been spending my time worrying about money, instead of blogging; and that has created imbalance in my life. I've been giving my bracelet business all of my attention. God has blessed my bracelet business and I love love love designing! But designing and selling bracelets is not my ministry; NOPE!

That 2 1/2 hour flight brought me back to my senses. I have been out of the will of God and the purpose of God for my life. Lessons in the past have taught me, when you get out of God's will for your life it becomes a messy mess and it has a long, painful clean up time, taking you even further away from God's plan for your life.

Yep!!! When we do what we want, rather than what we were ordained to do, when we apply our logic, when our alter ego does the talking, we get further out of God's will. I've done this in other ways over the years. Being with men I know I ain't got no business being with; Wasting my pretty on madness. Hanging with a crowd that didn't have my values but it was better then sitting at home alone. The "it" group is always fun, but never meaningful.
Spending money on "things" for the wrong reason and the list goes on. Doing what we know we should not do and not doing what we should do. I've learned in 50 3/4 years that being in God's will is the best life with the best possible outcome.

It hit me like a ton of bricks... Girl get back on your life path! You don't have speaking engagements, but God has given you a voice, a message, a ministry and a vehicle to reach people. 30,000 people read my blog monthly. I couldn't speak to that many people in a month no matter how hard I tried.

So I'm back!! You can expect 4-5 blogs a week starting this week. I have book reviews, tea reviews, stories to tell about my crazy ass life, and whatever wisdom God gives me to give to you.

The money? Well God always works it out! I may not be able to get a designer handbag (my weakness) whenever I want one, but me and Sophie will never go hungry. I just have to do what I'm suppose to do and let God do the rest. My faith has to take center stage. In a nut shell, I must practice my faith as I live in purpose.

When God speaks, you not only have to listen but you must also act. The bible says, "obedience is better than sacrifice." In the end, your way will never be better than God's way.

Equally important, when you are not being true to God's purpose for you life, you are cheating God's people of your gifts and talents.

Post Script: Follow RLT Collection on Instagram for updates on the collection, giveaways, and all of your bracelet fashion and trends from around the world; its @RLTCollection, my personal Instagram is @RaeLT

ALSO... I'm looking for a new blog editor.. please email l.renae@raelewisthornton.com if you are interested.

The Newness at RLT Collection!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 16:56:00 +0000

There's tons of NEWNESS at RLT Collection! Yes! Yes! Yes! People ask me often do I sleep? I think I do, but I know for sure that I never stop thinking. Often times I will get up in the middle of the night to work on a bracelet design that is floating in my head. I'm supper excited about my latest additions to RLT Collection!

Can you say Mother's Day? Well it's around the corner. Just 15 more days and you will be searching crazy for that special gift for your special Mother or the women in your life that has been like a mother. I know I have a few of them; Women who didn't birth you, but birthed something in you.

Well, search no more. I discovered these WONDERFUL Mother of Pearls Gemstones and fell head over heals. These disc shaped Mother of Pearls are simply beautiful! Every mother deserves a Mother of Pearl Bracelet! I even kept one of each for myself, because I'm a doggie Mom.

These bracelets are a simple contemporary design. The luster of the gemstones speaks volumes. These Mother of Pearls are in black and cream and paired with an round two-tone Angelic Crystal and a metal bead accent!

Bracelet of the Week! Yes I said Bracelet of the Week! I simply love playing around with gemstones. While perusing gem shows and bead shops I always discover a gemstone must have. Yet, must haves don't always make it into the seasonal collections when I sit at my bead board.

Bracelet of the Week are bracelets designed with these gemstones; Must have gemstones used to create must have designs, but separate from my seasonal collection.

The Hand of God Bracelet! The First Weekly Design!

There are 52 weeks in a year and this Collection will consist of 52 different designs, featuring a new bracelet each week. Each weekly bracelet will be in very small qualities, from 1-10; and once gone there are no more.

A new bracelet will post every Sunday! Note: We began this Collection at week 18.

Because the bracelet designs are in such small quantities, we will be able to give you a price that is substantiality lower than the other bracelets in the seasonal collections, this way you can indulge in both. These bracelets will not go on sale because we have already given you the best possible price.

It will be exciting seeing what I design each week!

Spring Forward Collection!

The Spring Forward Collection is Coming!! Fun colors of yellows, pinks, blues and greens just like Tulips. I came across these wonderful colors of faceted Jade Gemstones at a great price and I'm turing that great price back around to you. They will be a special purchase from $28.00-$48.00.

These bracelets are being loaded onto the website today and should be completed by Monday April 29th! You are going to want one in every color, I promise you!

Last but not least. I have been burning the midnight oil trying to complete the major Spring/Summer 2013 Collection, "The Colors of Lake Michigan." Did you now that Lake Michigan can go from muddy grey, dark deep blue/black at night to beautiful shades of blue and green and even brown?

Well living in Chicago near the lake all my life, I was excited to design a collection paying homage to the wonder of this lake. I have captured the different colors of Lake Michigan with this collection. It will get you through the summer into the fall! This Collection should be on the website by mid-May!

See, I told you, there is so much going on with RLT Collection. I hope that you will drop by and check it out! Click Here for the Web Store!

Post Script! Monthly Give Away! Yes, that means a free bracelet! Every 4th Friday of the month I will give away a RLT Collection Bracelet! But you have to follow the rule! See Below!

If you are not on Instagram sign up today Click Here! in order to qualify you have to follow RLT Collection on Instargam. Intagram is a wonderful new Socail Meida of Pictures and two weeks ago I signed RLT Collection up. My page will feature RLT Colleciton and speicals but also bracelet fashion and trends from around the world. How cool is that? So follow me @ RLTColleciton

RLT Reads: Book Review-LIttle Bee

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:30:00 +0000

I love reading historical fiction, you really do learn something that you never knew. Now, some historical fiction will take a particular event or period in history and that will be the baseline for the story. Then others will create a story around themes in history. That's what Chris Cleave, a writer from the United Kingdom (UK) did in Little Bee. He took the ongoing oil issue in Nigeria and the issue with immigration dentition centers in the UK and crafted a story in the presence. In Little Bee, the past meets the right now, dead in the center.

I have got to be honest. This book sat on my shelf for at least 4 years. Published in 2008 it was a New York Times best seller. I finally picked it up and for sure the topic was so heavy that I had to put it down a few times and pick up some lighter reading.

This story starts in the UK with some girls being released from an immigration detention center. The story centers around Little Bee, a 16 year old Nigeria girl was has been in the center for two years. The only contact she has in the UK is the name and number of a man Andrew that she met along with his wife Sarah on the beach of Nigeria a tad over two years earlier.

That chance meeting outside of a resort where Sarah and Andrew were vacationing changed all of their lives forever, Sarah, Andrew, Little Bee's and her sister. That day on the beach a horrific decision had to be made. One that speaks to the humaneness and inhumanness of people.

I never give away the story in my review and this one will be no different.

Needless to say, Little Bee arrives on Andrew's and Sarah's door step and the story unfolds. It is told in the voices of Sarah and Little Bee alternating chapters. I love this format because it gives voice to both of these women. For sure this is a powerful story line! Cleave's creativity is brilliant.

I love a fictional novel that makes me Google a topic. From this book, I learned that I knew nothing about Nigeria Oil; NOTHING. I even called my good friend Keith who works in international politics to get a briefing.

The oil in the "Delta" of Nigeria is some of the best in the world. It requires less processing, I learned then other oils. I also learned that the continent of Africa Imports about half of their oil to the United States. SHUT UP! And someone got us thinking that the Mid-East is the major source of our oil. Just think Royal Dutch Shell spent $383 million to protect it's staff and the oil in 2007-2009 with over a total of $1 billion going to security. I wonder how many people who could have been feed and how much infrastructure could have been built with $1 billion.

Well, this book dances around the conflict of oil in the Delta and the on-going fight for control. Little Bee is a tragic story of horror and mayhem and how one recovers from such trauma or not.

It also gives us a glimpse into the UK culture and the detention centers that store illegal immigrants looking for a better life. And to think that we in the US think that we are the only one's with immigration issues. It made me wonder about the conditions of detention centers in the U. S. See, this book made me think. It made me cry and it made me laugh.

Little Bee left me wanting more and that is a great story in my opinion . It also had some great lines. This was my favorite.

"We must see all scars as beauty... Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

I think Little Bee by Chris Cleave is worth the read. Its great to read international books for it gives us insight on the lives outside of the United States. I gave it five stars on Good Reads.
Post Script: If you love to read you should consider joining Good Reads. It's a great place to share and learn about books.... And if you have read my book, The Politics of Respectability. will you please join, rate and review my book on Good Reads. Here is the link to my Good Reads Page.

Monday Reflection: Before The Year Ends..

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:59:00 +0000

So we have made it to Spring! We are three months into the new year and what have you accomplished of your New Year Resolutions? As for me, going to the gym went to hell in a hand basket. Every single week I say, "I'ma do it this week," but then I have some reason or another. Now some of my reasons are real and others are excuses. I had a bout with my health in January and February. Then there was the bronchitis I had two weeks ago, but for the most part, not going to the gym has been nothing but excuses, excuses, excuses. I think if I dig deeper enough, there may be some other New Year Resolutions that are lagging in progress too.

We make these resolutions and we whisk right pass them like the Chicago wind. The good thing about a quarter of the year assessment is that you still have 3/4 more of the year to go before it ends. Right? Right! This means that it's not to late. I remember a trainer at one of the gyms I worked-out at frequently. He wanted to go to graduate school for Sports Medicine. We talked often about his dream. In the meantime, about a year in, I went to seminary for my Master of Divinity degree. Three years later, I was graduating and he said to me, "Shoot, I was talking about going to school long before you went and now here you are graduating and I still haven't applied." This was the truth and my only response was, "It's never to late, but first you have to fill out the application Boo." We laughed and he said, "And you know you're right."

So here we are 3 months into this year and your goals are floating in the wind. This means it's assessment time. Ask yourself these questions, Why was that particular thing on my list?; How important is it to Me? I want you to rate it, 1-5 with 5 being most importantly and then move from that point.

Now, its importance should be about YOU. Not about what people will think of you, but about how it makes you feel about YOU! Ask yourself, what sense of accomplishment will I get from it?; What values will it add to my life? You have to ask yourself, "Will this thing in the long run make me happy, content, accomplished?"

With these questions I want you to be really honest. If it was on your list because you saw it on Twitter or Facebook and there was peer pressure to say YES count me in, ummm then you need to get it off your list. That was not about your fulfillment but about how others will view you when you said you were going to do it.

You have to dig really deep within yourself about your list. Some of those things were superficial, but some had some real meaning; substance that will add to the the quality of your life, making it a better life.

So now that you have reassessed your list. Ask yourself what have been the impediments in my life to making this thing happen? Ask yourself, "Am I just lazy?" Or is there a deeper reason that I have not done that thing? Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we are afraid of what it will mean and the lifestyle changes it will require.

Or, we are afraid that it will take longer than we would like? Especially when it comes to weight lost, it takes time. You have to change your behavior and be consistent. Consistency takes work; but in this I want success right now, we devalue hard work. That's why so many "quick fix" diets have been more successful at sucking people in, then the actual amount of weight people have lost. For Real... If we added up all the quick fix diets and the amount of people who have tried them, there would be so many pounds in that number.

Trayce's Before and After to date!

My hair Stylist Trayce Madre has lost over a 100 pounds but it has taken a lot of hard work and she is still at it! Trayce's commitment has been STELLAR!

Commitment is key and so is your reason! She told me once, that there were to many health problems in her family as well as, early deaths connected to weight. She wanted more for herself. Not only did she want it, she went after it, one work out and meal at a time! She has made a life style change, not a diet.

I'm sure that we all have areas of our life where we want something for ourselves; something more; something better. When I started RLT Collection I had NO customers. August 9, 2013 will be 4 years and I have built my business one bracelet at a time; one customer at a time.

I have had to reinvest the dollars that I make, forgoing a new handbag. I have had to invest time. Learn my skill and most importantly spend time with my gemstones. Sure making a stretch bracelet takes 5 minutes, but designing a stretch bracelet and an entire collection takes hours. Yes, I could just put some beads on stretch and sell them, but excellence is my standard. I have a gift of design and I work hard at growing that gift. My BFF Luke will tell you, he calls and ask, "What you doing?" My response, "Working on bracelets. Let me call you later."

New Unisex RLT Collection!

There has been a natural growth to RLT Collection. I know another bracelet company that had major contacts. They got in with the stars and athletes and BAM! recently they made $30,00 at a truck show at Nordstrom's in a couple of hours. You know what? I'm not even mad. Kudos!!! I know a woman that has brought bracelets from both of us. The world is large and there is enough to go around. Don't be jealous of what others got! Thats the wrong spirit. Get your ass out of their success and direct your energy on your own!

Would that kind of mind blowing success be great? Damn straight, but everyone don't get those breaks, some of us have to work hard. We should NOT measure our success by others, but by what is organic. I just don't think God would plant a seed in our spirit and gift us with talents to go unfulfilled. Sometimes our measuring stick is off. Our energy and spirit is directed on the wrong think.

Luke's Instagram Meditation this morning confirmed this blog for me!

Now with that being said, get off your tush and do the things that will add value and enrich your life! My former therapist use to say to me, "Rev I know you can do it!"

"But Doc," I would wine.
He would say, "Rev, discipline is a transferable skill."
I would give him that black woman side eye. He would continue because he was not intimidated by my side eye.
"But Doc I would wine."
He'd cross his legs and say, "Rev, and I know that you have discipline. Ask me how I know? I know because you take your medication like clock work twice a day."
At that time I was on Fuzeon that I had to inject in my stomach twice a day. It was incredibly painful and I cried everyday for a year; But I did it because not doing it meant death over life. My value was placed in my living.

Where is your value placed? If it means that much to you then why haven't you done it? What are you waiting on to be a better you? You have ______days ahead of you before the year ends!

I'm headed to the gym!

Postscript: I had a little writer's block but I'm back :)

FOLLOW my new Instagram account for RLT Collection @RLT Collection It's all about bracelet fashion-- the latest trends in bracelets, as well as, RLT Collection news and contests.

And send me your bracelet pictures, I would love to post you wearing RLT Collection.

You can Tweet, Facebook, Email or Instagram your pictures, but make sure you tag @RLTCollection #RLTColleciton on Instagram so I can find it. I want pictures of YOU wearing the bracelets... but I'll also take pictures of your arm wearing arm candy from RLT Collection.

My personal Instagram is @RaeLT

No Easy Way Out...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 14:54:00 +0000

If never fails, every time I try to take a shortcut in life, it ends up being a bad decision that cost more then it would had I just gone ahead and not tried to find an easy way out!

How many times have you gotten off the express way to get out of traffic to discover that the side streets were a pain in the behind?

I do that a lot with my beads. I live in a one bedroom apartment and my workshop is right here with me. Maybe one day I will be blessed with a studio, even if it's just a second bedroom; but until then, my bracelets are designed and made in my private space.

Well, in the 3 years since I've launched RLT Collection, I have accumulated so many gemstones that it seems that I'm running out of space. Recently, I acquired a couple of pieces of furniture to store my beads and needless to say, it's been a job organizing hundreds of loose beads. I got a system going, but every so often, I lose patience and try an easy way out and before I know it, beads are rolling all across my living room floor. Then I have to start over again, but first I have to spend the time collecting the beads that are rolling under my sofa.

In this microwavable society we want everything quick and we certainly want what comes easy.

I know I'm at fault too. I've stayed in unhealthy relationships because they in my mind, were easier than the work required to develop a new one.

I've even gone back into unhealthy relationships because it was easier than being alone. Now that is the saddest of all! You free yourself from the madness, to back into the madness because it was easier than being by yourself. Easy ain't always right, nor is it always good.

We take shortcuts every chance we get disrupting the natural growth of life. Have you ever noticed a short cut to a building? We have one over by my HIV Clinic. Instead of walking around, we have created a shortcut right through the grass. But our easy way, has destroyed the grass to the point that it won't even grow on the path anymore.

I know a drug dealer that did the same thing. He disrupted the natural order of his life and his dream of working with children never grew. With a college degree in tote, he started selling drugs for some easy cash. He liked how easy the money came and kept telling himself that he was going to quit once he had saved up enough money. But the more money he made, the more he wanted. It was never enough.

Before long he was a major drug dealer and as they always do, he eventually got caught and served some time in federal prison. That original goal of working with children was destroyed from the greed of quick and easy cash. He has had to create an entire new life for himself with a worthless degree because no school will hire a convicted felon. Seeking easy wealth made life harder than he ever imaged and most importantly, harder than it should have been had he not been looking for easy cash.

What he think is easy is not always best. My gemstones has taught me that lesson over and over again.

Yesterday I got it! As I was shifting beads around to get to that bottom container I was on the verge of insanity yet again; doing the same thing over and again and expecting a different outcome.

I wanted to get to the bottom container of beads ASAP and as I was trying to lift too many containers at one time to get to the one I wanted. I caught myself. "Rae," I said to myself. "Haven't you learned this fuckin lesson enough?" I looked down at the four containers stacked on top of each other in that tight spot by my curio cabinet. There was a natural order and I was in the process of a major disruption. It was an, "Aha Moment," that hit me in my face hard just like Chicago's wind at -15.

There is no easy way out! Shortcuts are created in the idle mind of the devil's workshop. Shortcuts disrupt the natural order of life whether it's with people or things. They get in your way and they get in God's way. When you take the easy way out, God has to rework God's plan for your life and often times you have to work harder to get to your destination.

Lesson Learned! I unstacked each container one by one and placed them where they wouldn't topple over, until I got to the container that I actually needed. When it was all done, I realized that it was painless. But most importantly, I didn't have to take a detour from my original project to pick up spilled beads and I learned that doing things in their natural order really is the best and easiest way to live. Go ahead and try it! I give you permission, to put one foot in front of the other; for that is how God created us to walk.

RLT Reads! The Twelve Tribes of Hattie Book Review!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 19:30:00 +0000

Oprah is always on point. I've read over a third of of her book club picks and they have all made think a certain kind of way; that to me is good writing. My goal is to read them all.

Now, honestly, some of her picks have provoked more thinking than others. Nonetheless, her books are typically great writing and great story telling.

Over the years, I've liked some writing styles over others and some story lines over others, but at the end of the day, I've never had a bad read from her book club picks. So when she said that, The Twelve Tribes of Hattie was transformative, I was all in. Now, I cannot say that it didn't transform her life, but for sure I can say, that it didn't transform mine. Was it a good read? Yes, without a doubt! Transformative No!

The author tackled some important issues; child sexual abuse, class, race, infidelity, womanizing, homosexuality and the complicated issue of abuse in the black family. It's all there, and when you think about it, with 12 children you are certainly going to have all these important and disconcerting issues within a family.

This book started as a wonderful migration story. Chapter one was brilliant; a young marriage seeking a better life in a Northern city and the failure of that promise rooted in the hard reality of life up North and youthful pride. I was all in!

Then came chapter two and I said hummm and by chapter three I was confuse. Now don't get me wrong, each chapter was great story telling. Where the book went left for me was with the structure. By the third chapter, I felt like I was reading short stories and not a novel. The thing that made this book great was the thing that made this a weak novel.

Each chapter told the story of one or two of Hattie's children and it may or may not have mentioned the other children. Even Hattie was a passing thought. Yes, each child was birthed by Hattie and therefore this book is true to it's title, The Twelve Tribes of Hattie, but the thread that connected them in the writing was incredibility thin at best, with a failed attempt in my opinion, to try and bring them all together in the last chapter.

What makes this book powerful is that each chapter is a well written and the author tackle's important issues. Each chapter is a page turner for sure, but with each new chapter, there was a level of disappointment waiting to see how this was going to become a novel.

I gave it 4 stars on Good Reads because over all it really was a good book and each chapter was thought provoking. This is Ayana Mathis first novel and she is well on her way, not just because Oprah choose it, but because she is clearly not afraid to deal head on with important issues in the African-American community such as, Homophobia Class, Skin Color and Child Abuse.

I recommend this book! Now, Black folks are always talking about how Oprah never chooses African-American authors, which by the way is not true, so this is your time to pick up this book and not only join the discussion, but support this raising star! I'm already waiting on Ayana Mathis next book.

RLT Collection News...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 14:37:00 +0000

In RLT Collection News... All of the fall/winter Bracelets have been marked down and for the rest of March, you can take an additional 20% off. The coupon code at is Marchmadness2013. This sale ends April 3rd Shop Here

If you had your eye on a particular bracelet from those collections now is the time. Remember, once a bracelet is gone, it's gone.

The first Spring Collection 2013 is up! The Love of Chrysoprase-- Chrysoprase is a rare gemstone in the Chalcedony family. This is a very expensive gemstone and I was fortunate to luck up on. I have paired the stone with freshwater pearls and there are some pretty green agate bracelet to mix and match for texture. This Collection is classic and sophisticated. They are also 20% off! Shop Here For Chrysoprase Collection! Coupon Code MarchMadness2013

I love this stone so much, I actually kept one of all the bracelets designs for myself and I'm working on a Chrysoprase and pearl necklace.

You can still purchase my book, The Politics of Respectability Shop Here for a autographed copy. Shop Here for Amazon Kindle... Shop Here to get the book from Amazon...

Post Script: I'm working on one more Spring Collection and two Summer Collections! Lots of Color and they will be priced very reasonably. I picked up some Jade Gemstones in fun colors for the Spring Forward Collection at a great price, so I'm able to turn them around at a great price.

A Woman's Vagina Should Not Be A Pawn...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 18:52:00 +0000

I was speechless when I watched this video that one of my Twitter followers, Ann sent to me. As I was shaking my head, I had to look down at my PJ's and remind myself that I am a woman, with a vagina and HIV.

So this guy Mike Frey actually said a woman's vagina protects her from contracting HIV. This reminds me of the 1987 article in Cosmopolitan Magazine that said a, "Woman with a healthy vagina couldn't get HIV." That was 1987 when we didn't know that much about HIIV and they still got picketed by Act-Up.

This is 2013, thirty-two years into the AIDS Pandemic and HIV/AIDS has had some of the most ground breaking research in a short period of time. To think that someone actually believes this crap and would part their lips and say it. *Blank Stare* Not only was his information WRONG about woman, but it was also WRONG on the why same sex male's contract HIV.

The internet is buzzing with articles challenging his views on male same sex and HIV, but I've seen very little on what he said about women. I get it, Gay Activist are on their A game and I ain't mad. So my blog post is not on the same sex point or same sex marriage that Mike Frey tried to make; I'm speaking for and about women. But just so you know, I do support civil unions of the same sex.

I so dislike when people USE HIV to spread hate. If you don't support same sex marriage then say it. But don't push some ill-informed, jack ass reason to support your position.

I practically dislike men using women's vagina's for their politics. When I was in undergrad I did a 30 page research paper looking at how men have used a woman's vagina to promote there political agenda, usually around birth control, but even around issues of race.

The problem with misinformation around HIV, for both Women and Men, could be the difference between life and death.

To tell women that they can't get HIV through heterosexual sex and to speak it with authority is just pure sinful and irresponsible..

So he claimed that female to male sex is safer because a woman has a, "Barrier of cellular tissue that doesn't allow the sperm... to penetrate the blood flow," but anal sex doesn't have this protection. With 34 million adults living with HIV world-wide and approximately half are women, I wonder what planet is Mike living on?

The fact of the matter, women are generally at greater risk of heterosexual transmission, meaning it's easier for a man to transmit to a women, then for a women to a man. According to the HIV/AIDS Charity Avert, "Biologically, women are twice as more likely to become infected with HIV through unprotected heterosexual intercourse than a man."

According to the U. S. Department of Health and Human Services Women are at greater risk for infection through heterosexual contact for the following reason:

The vagina has a larger area (compared to the penis), that can be exposed to HIV-infected semen.
Semen can stay in the vagina for days after sex, while men are only exposed to HIV-infected fluids during sex. Semen left in the vagina means a longer exposure to the virus for women.
Having untreated sexually transmitted infections (STIs) makes it more likely for a person to get HIV. This is especially true for women. Small cuts on the skin of the vagina are hard to notice but may allow HIV to pass into a woman's body.

In the back drop of Woman and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day on this pass Sunday, I am aware of the fact that we must educate our women and girls about their risk factors around HIV/AIDS.

While treatment is great, I believe that prevention is our best defense against this disease. We cannot save lives with half-truths and misinformation. I have no idea who Mike Frey is, but what I know for sure is this kind of misinformation coming out of his mouth is dangerous. I was reading some of the comments people made on line at various articles on this topic and for sure, people cling to crazy out of the fear of the truth.

When a woman believes the truth that she is at risk for HIV, she has to then adjust her behavior to meet this new information. Half truths are easier to embrace sometimes. Who wants to believe that their boyfriend or even husband, could put them at risk? Who wants to think about using condoms with that man who is your best thing since slice bread? The truth then becomes the barrier between what you hope for in a relationship and what is the reality.

Condoms have become our enemy that is buried under the hope for a better truth; My Partner will keep me self, I am not at risk, I'm in a monogamous relationship, He loves me...

But when you pull the layers back, the most profound question you must ask yourself is, how much do I love me?

In 2013, we have come a lone way. But clearly Mike Frey has reminded us how far we still must go. We must challenge misinformation head on. The TRUTH is our sword in the fight against new infections, against stigma and shaming.

A Man who cannot respect the truth about a Woman's vagina, should not be privileged to enter it. And a Woman who loves the love of a man, over the love of her own vagina, is living in the world of Mike Frey.

A Woman's vagina should not be a pawn... Bottom Line.

The Shades of Grey: Forgiveness and Friendship

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 13:39:00 +0000

I've never been able to have a poker face or heart. Nope, I wear my emotions all over my face right down to my core. When I hurt I hurt and when someone really, really hurts me, I don't know how to regroup.

But yet my heart is so good. There's something about me that picks up strays all day long. I mean I'm the person who tried to keep the baby pigeon alive on my back porch after her mother deserted her. I'm the person who moved a young gay male into my home after his grandmother throw him out over his lifestyle and I practically raised a teenage girl, moving her into my home and assuming a good deal of the responsibility for her. My Pastor calls it the Pastor spirit. He told me, there's this impulse to save.

Not only is my heart good, it's tough. I take hurt in stride and forgiveness serious. But I tend to be a black and white person with very little grey. Right is right and wrong is wrong and whatever grey that lies in between I've learned over the years can be a very dangerous thing.

I've learned over the years that when someone hurts you, you better take notice. Loyalty and trust is everything to me. So when that teenage girl, became a young lady and looked me in the face and lied with tears running down her face, "Mommie, I would never do such a thing." She had been stealing my BMW while I was on the road speaking and one day she left the garage door open and the other tenant's car was burglarized. My landlord said to me over the phone, "Mrs. Thornton, when I came into the garbage the door was wide open." I side with confidence, "But Mrs. Hawkins, I'm out of town. I have nothing to do with this." She replied, "Mrs. Thornton, but your car was gone."

When I came home from speaking I had to deal with it head on. We had our share of growing pains. Of young adult disrespect. That's why she was living down the street and no longer with me. You can't live in my house and disrespect me. We teach people how to treat us; what is acceptable behavior and what is not. But I never thought for one moment that I couldn't trust her, I mean with my life.

As the drama escalated over the week. This girl whom I had given the world to looked me right back in my face less then a week later and said with a straight face, "Yeah I lied. You just mad cause I'm not kissing your ass."

It didn't take a rocket science to see that we had moved into a dangerous shade of grey. That's when I asked for all of my keys home and car. When lying becomes that easy, you take notice. The saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But it's a hard thing taking notice when you love someone.

Like what do you do with those grey areas for people that you love? With my keys in tote I continued to make an effort and each time I would learn a new lesson the hard way right down to the core of my heart. Then one day I decided that this is not what love should be like.

But their lingered my Pastor Spirit, something inside of me that told me that she needed me to save her... To love all her pain away... But I was trying to save her and killing me in the process.

It was the same thing with my biological mother. A heroine addict for a good part of her life, yet by the time I met her when I was 18, she was clean, married and living an upper middle class life. But by the time I was 24 her demons took center stage and mental illness became a way of life. I had to learn how to protect myself and keep her in my life it was a hard balance and I did it for over 20 years.

Same thing with Mama who raised me. She was a walking contradiction. One moment she was sweet as pie and the next I was bitch this and motherfucker that. But for the most part in my adult years, I negotiated and found balance well. I made my visits and calls short with Mama, because I could never trust her next move.

And after years of finding balance with my biological mother, mental illness, she dug a knife in my heart and twisted it. Lead by her mental illness, she sent me the most horrific letter. It began like this,

"Dear Rae, I hate you and all Niggers."

My therapist at the time, didn't bat an eye, he looked me straight in the face and said, "Leave her alone. Her mental illness is dangerous for you." And I walked away until the week before she died, when I dropped everything to go to her sick bed and then followed through by taking care of all of her affairs during and after her death. Her mother, my grandmother, whom I've never met in person, didn't want anything to do with it. I buried my mother in the tradition of her faith, Buddhism. It was me or the State and it was the right thing to do.

It was the same with Mama. I took care of her for two years in her battle with cancer and then buried her with class and dignity. A girlfriend asked me the day I buried Mama, "How did you do it?" I said, "I took care of Mama because of who I am, not because of who she was."

I try my best to practice what I preach. I try not to judge. I try to meet people where they are at, not where I want them to be. I mean in the end, all a person can be is themselves. But sometimes who a person is, is not a good thing for you. I had to learn, especially in the age of Social Media, that everyone is not meant to be your friend.

I try to love others, like how I want to be loved. But when someone hurts you whether it's a lover or a friend you are left with many shades of grey. Like how do you look someone in the face and smile and they dug a knife into you? And does it make you any less of a person that you can't be their friend? We throw this quote around like confetti, "When someone shows you who they are believe them." But when it's time to put this saying into practice, some how we are judged because we don't want to fuck with hurt no more.

Does forgiveness means friendship? I mean how does that really work? You hurt me beyond anything I could ever image and now I'm suppose to chit chat with your ass?

It's like catching your lover in bed with someone, are you suppose to crawl back into that same bed he shared with another? In this case you are left with a lot of hurt and often times a deep abiding love for that person. At least the person you thought they were. I mean did you ever think your lover would be in bed with someone other than you? Like how am I suppose to trust you ever again? How do I determine who you really are, and who I loved?

I'm faced with this dilemma in my life right now; a friendship that was violated in unimaginable terms. It left my new therapist speechless. And after she regained herself, She said to me, "This sort of stuff happens on TV, not in real life."

For months now I've been trying to sort out the pieces. The different shades of grey. The why? The how could I have been so blind sided? The what the fuck do you do with this kind of hurt; The kind of hurt that scares the fuck out of you, a fear of your own personal well being, physically and emotionally. The profound emotional abuse that comes with this level of betrayal. The working through what is real and what ain't.

Yes, there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to the people you love who hurt you, but I've had to learn that loving me first was the greatest love that I can render.

So, I'm finally at a place where I can work it out in therapy. I need to heal, and you can't heal holding onto the hurt. Nor can you pretend this shit didn't happen. You have to deal with it, all of it and deal with it at face value. You must be willing to call a spade a spade no matter how painful it may be, or you are no better off then you were living in the hurt.

For sure, healing must take place before their can ever be a friendship again. And the thing is, while you can be sure of your own healing, you can never quite be sure of the other persons healing. Like have they really worked on the thing that made them violate you in these proportions?

It's been a heavy load. I've had to unpack everything that has been said and perform an autopsy on every single word and deed in the months since the initial hurt. Then on top of that, reexamine the entire friendship. That's a lot of work.

Like for real, for real, trying to determine what's real and what ain't has taken over my life. That's why I'm glad I'm giving it over to a mental health professional who can help me sort out the truths and accept the lies. To help me heal from this unfathomable breach of trust.

What I know for sure, is that Forgiveness is a must in order to heal. Forgiveness is a must if you live the life of a Christian. There is peace in forgiveness. You must do it because it's who you say you are, not because of you they are, or what they did to you.

But forgiveness does not, nor should not guarantee friendship. The betrayal forfeited their right to friendship. Love is a mandate but friendship is a choice that is developed, earned and kept on merit.

For sure, I know that once their has been a breach of mass portions, nothing can be the same again. The author Nella Larson has a line in her book Passing, If a man calls me a nigger it's his fault the first time, but mine if he has the opportunity to do it again.

Monday Reflection: Three Years In Social Media...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 19:12:00 +0000

I've been called a whore, a hypocrite, a fraud, a bitch, interesting though I've never been called a liar.

Yep, as I review my 3 year anniversary to my blog and my use of Social Media to educate and fight stigma around HIV/AIDS people have said the darnedest things to me. I've been told that I was going to hell. I was told that if I'm a Christian then they wouldn't want to be one. I've been told that I definitely had a gift, but ummm I was definitely squandering it... hummm... Really? God been talking to you about me?

Yep, I've even been told if people really knew who I were, then they wouldn't fuck with me. People have told me that they have lost, "respect for me." I've been kicked out of my sorority. I've been told that I was selfish and self-centered and ummmm I was even told that my, "Pussy was a death trap." I've been lied to and lied on.

I've been unfollowed by people, cursed out directly, sub-tweeted by cowards. Threaten to be sued if I tell publicly, the mean shit that was said to me privately through DM..... umm BTW it don't work like that. You can't tell someone privately that they are a horrible person, then turn around in the same breath and tell them that you will sue if they tell *blank stare*

Yep, blogging and being active in Social Media has been a whirlwind these last 3 years. But at the end of the day I thank God for it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Well I've told you some of the ugly, but it ain't all been bad.

I've met some wonderful people. Reconnected with people along my journey. Expanded my message's reach by leaps and bounds.

I've Grown my bracelet business RLT Collection. I've learned that I am a writer, actually a great story teller. I didn't know that I had it in me. I even wrote a book, The Politics of Respectability. And this has given me the courage for start working on the re-write for my memoir. It's coming this year! I've expanded my brand to, Tea With Rae, RLT Reads and RLT Inspires.

My blog is now syndicated on thebody.com the largest on line HIV/AIDS resource in the country and Poz Magazine, the oldest HIV/AIDS magazine in the country, as well as Black Doctors.org. I''ve received CBS Most Valuable Blogger Award in Health and Wellness and The BlackWeBlog Award in Health and Wellness and the British Academy Golden Twit Award in public service.

The Diva Living With AIDS Blog is just short 200,000 views from a million views! My Twitter went from 250 followers to 8,000. My Facebook personal page went from 1,500 to 5,000 and my fan page that I started the same time as the blog is over 7,000 fans. My You Tube went from around 2,000 views this summer to over 160,000. I've seen growth beyond anything I could have ever imaged when I wrote that first blog post on March 8, 2010.

But most importantly, I've made people think about their lives and how they are living it! And that at the end of the day means everything. I've encouraged and given voice to other people living with HIV/AIDS. I've bonded with other women who have been raped and sexually abused by brothers, uncles, mama's boyfriend and even daddy and giving them hope for healing.

I've helped people living with other sexually transmitted diseases, Herpes, HPV, Gonorrhea and Syphilis, stand tall. Thank you for trusting me with your stories. Based on emails, tweets and private messages that I have received, my use of Social Media has been a blessing! Women and even some men are rethinking their dating and sex lives and that alone is worth the bad and the ugly that I continue to get through Social Media.

Making yourself open to public scrutiny is more than a notion. It's left me somedays in outrage and other days in tears but with a clear understanding of my gifts and my call, my purpose, I press forward.

I told my friend Keith years ago, "Dr. Negro," as I call him, "Get over yourself, they talked about Jesus. Who are you, not to be talked about?" He and I laugh about that all the time. He says when times get tough, he is reminded of that one point.

Not only did they talk about Jesus, they challenged His ministry over and over again. Pastor preached about that on Sunday. How the leaders challenged the fact that Jesus dared to heal someone on the Sabbath, breaking law and custom. They betrayed Him, beat Him and eventually crucified Him. So who am I in the scheme of things? I get it, I'm just a peon in the scheme of this life. But I also understand that my life is not my own. God has kept me here for a purpose and I press toward that mark everyday of my life.

I'm not a perfect person or a perfect servant, but as long as I keep trying, nothing else really matters. My therapist and I were talking about my need to always fight back, "prove" that I'm right. At the end of the day, I know my truths and I'm the one that have to live with myself. Let people believe what they want. I remind myself every day, you are not responsible for people living in a lie. Let them work through their own shit, discover their own truths.

WOW!!! I got it!!! So with this understanding I through up a white flag and kept right on steppin. What people think of me good and bad will not change who I am. It took me a long time to like myself and then to start living like I like myself. I can't let others derail me nor the work that God has called me to do.

When I launched this blog I said this.....

A Diva Living With AIDS blog will be true to the essence of my work and life as a woman. I will educate and inform through my eyes and life. Like in the past, I will address a gamut of issues including: HIV/AIDS, childhood sexual abuse, dating, overall health, politics, and of course beauty, Diva style. I am not limiting myself to one genre; the sky is the limit. I made a promise sixteen years ago that I would be a voice for the voiceless, face for the faceless, bring hope to the hopeless and tear down barriers and stand with DIGNITY, as a Woman living with AIDS. This Blog is another way for me to keep this promise. I am not a professional writer, just a Diva Living with AIDS and having her say........

I've stayed true to this and will continue to do so, until God says it's over. I thank each of you for your support. Like for real... For real if it had not been for you, I would be blogging to myself.

Your support means everything

Thank you for sticking with me and my misspelled words. I'm looking for a new editor now. Thank you for sticking with me when my health derail my productivity and blog post were far, few and in between. Thank you for defending me and protecting me from the madness that I get in my blog comments. Thank you for sharing my blog with others... Thank you... thank you.... thank you for coming back over and over again... #IcannotdoitAlone

Post Script: My health is gettin better each day... And I'm gettin back to work, this means I will be blogging regularly... Thank you for your prayers...

Monday Reflection:Each New Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 15:55:00 +0000

So we've made it to March already! Where has the time gone? I know for me this year has been non-stop health issues. I've been trying simply to keep my head above water. Honestly, today I can say that I'm starting to feel a lot better!

The mediport seems to be actually healing now. The herpes is gone. I'm not really sure how the herpes went away. I only had one round of the Cidofovir and by that time it was basically healed. It typically takes 3-5 rounds.

Maybe it was the acupuncture. I'm not sure, I'm just grateful. The one day on Cidofovir, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck. It's a very hard drug to take. So the fact that the herpes went away so quickly was a blessing for sure and if truth be told nothing short of a miracle.

So here we are in March and today starts my first day of trying to play catch up! I have to complete my spring RLT Collection and get it to the photographers. I have so so so many blogs in my spirit to share with you! This week makes 3 years for my blog and I'm so happy! We will be having a new look by next month. So stay tuned...

I don't have anything profound to say today! My mind is to cluttered to put anything on paper. I just wanted to say, no matter what life throws your way, just keep right on living! Keep living because each new day is a new day filled with possibilities.

Back at the beginning of February I thought I wouldn't make it to March without cracking up, but I did. I did it one day at a time.; embracing whatever came my way each new day. And each new day got me closer and closer to better.

I know I make it sound simple. When you are going through, tomorrow seems impossible. But as sure as I'm alive and today is Monday, each new day has a miracle in it!

Monday Reflection:Just Enough Goodness To Keep Me Going

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 25 Feb 2013 18:24:00 +0000

I woke up this morning to a Tweet that made my freaking day. I was lying in bed thanking God for another day and when I was done, I took an assessment of my body; Pelvic Pain-Yes, Neck Pain-Yes, Tingling in my Feet-Yes.

Yes... A deep sigh. I looked to see where Sophie was and smiled; she always makes me smile curled up somewhere in the bed getting her beauty rest. Lately that's how life has been and I take the bitter in stride and embrace the sweet.

No matter what I face I take it in stride. Either I do, or it will do me in. This I understand to be so true; you can't allow the heaviness of life to weigh you down. You have to do something while under the weight. Even if it's only wiggling your toes. That way you know that the weight doesn't have all of you.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the pain and the heartache, it feels like that's all that life is. When in fact life is all of it, the good, the great, the bad, the ugly and the fucked up. As I muddle through trying to find solutions to all my secondary health issues, I feel weighted down. But the fighter in me won't let anything or anybody have that much control over me, so I appreciate the good moments no matter how small or large they may be. Good is Good and I don't dare depreciate it's value.

So sista girl has been basking in the glory of goodness all morning. OMG! Actress Sheryl Lee Ralph wore my bracelets to the Oscars last night! When I saw her tweet to me, I almost did a two-step, like for real... for real...

I feel like I won the freaking lottery! I'm so honored and so surprised. I had NO idea that she was going to wear them. I love her combo. She is wearing a black Marc Bowers gown and added color with different tones of green agates from my fall and winter collections.

Shoot, this is enough goodness to keep me going all week long. It reminded me that in the midst of my pain and doctor appointments, God still has a life for me to live. There are new bracelets to be designed, blogs to be written, more wonderful moments with Sophie and a new handbag waiting on me in my future. It reminded me to hold onto the goodness however and whenever it comes.

Over these last few years of downsizing my life, I have learned that you don't need as much as you thought you did. Most often we are over indulging in this society of more is better.

I love handbags!!! And I probably will never stop buying them. But after having to sell a ton of my designer handbags just to buy groceries, I've learned the hard way to never overlook the smallest of blessings and to never squander them in excess.

When God blesses me with money to pay my bills, I don't take it and buy a handbag with some stupid ass rationalization. I don't miss place my blessing! When you accept your blessing for what it is, then you honor God's gifts to you. I was reminded today, that God will always give you just enough to keep you going. All you have to do is recognize the gift when it strolls your way. Often times we begrudge the small things, waiting on the big things. But I wonder, if you can't handle the small, if God will bless you with the big. So today, I bask in the blessing of my bracelets being showcased in such a grand fashion. It was just enough goodness to keep me going...

Post Script: Sheryl is wearing the Candy Apple Agates up top with a fireball center and an enamel center in the middle of her stack. Click Here! The top bracelet she is wearing is this multicolor faceted Agate in the bottom picture. Click Here! And the last multicolor bracelet is from the summer collection and is no longer available. There are only a couple of each bracelet in the collection.

Bitter, Sweet.. BitterSweet... Video Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 17:08:00 +0000

I was on the road speaking last night and I needed to wind down after a thoughful question and answer session with the students at Missouri State University, so I made this video blog. Now isn't life bittersweet sometimes? And would'nt you know it; there's even a plant that's named bittersweet.

On one level, it is loved for its' beauty and versatility, but yet disliked becasue it's invasive and grows wild. But isn't that how life is? One monet beautiful and the next, crazy and out of control? So just keep on living no matter how life hits you, Bitter, Sweet or BitterSweet. Either way you are alive and at least, there is versatility.

Monday Reflection:Gettin To Better!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 19:53:00 +0000

The Bible says that Faith is the things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. With this in mind I keep moving in the direction of better. Better does not always mean what you want, but in the end it becomes the solution that becomes your blessing.

Ideally, I would like to not have HIV/AIDS and all the health problems that are a result of my compromised immune system. Like for real, it would be a wonderful thing if God healed me from this ratchet illness, but that has not been my testimony.

My testimony is one as complicated as my life. I was sick enough that I should have died, but didn't. I have on-going health issues that does enough to become intrusive in my life at times; just enough to slow me down to a pace that is nothing close to what I consider normal; just enough to intrude on my work patterns; just enough to bring my dream making to a halt at times and the pace of a turtle at others; just enough to cause enough depression for me to say, enough is enough.

Yep, my testimony has been just enough pain to make me insane, yet through the madness I don't lose my mind; And with that, I keep moving in the direction of better. It seems lately, I've had a lot of the above mentions, those things of just enough to say, enough is enough.

At the Infusion Center on Friday

In the midst of trying to figure out solutions to help my nerve pain, because looking for solutions in the midst of pain is moving toward better, I got another case of genital herpes. Yes again and it has NOT been two months seen I got off that 36 day round if IV medication to treat the last bout.

Now let me be clear. I have a separate infection of genital herpes that I got before HIV. Some stupid shit in college that I have openly admitted too. Over the years I was not really affected by herpes. I had an outbreak maybe once every 3 years. Then when I made an transition to AIDS 21 years ago the outbreaks became more frequently; about every 6 months or so. My doctor was able to get that under control and I was back to outbreaks once every 2- 3 years.

Then about 7 years ago herpes became my worst nightmare. As a result of AIDS Immune Reconstitution Syndrome (Read More on Immune Reconstitution) I got the most aggressive herpes outbreak ever. It was resistant to all oral and topical medications. It was as if the herpes was possessed or something. If I didn't know any better I would have said someone put some freaking voodoo on my clit. The only thing that will treat my herpes is an IV antiviral medication.

For Real, in 7 years, it started as once a year, then became once every 6 months, then once every 3 months and now it's looking like once every month and a week or two. The doctors have concluded that my immune system just can't fight this herpes off. They still don't know if this is long term fall out from Immune Reconstitution.

It is also true that people who have both HIV and Herpes can potentially have more aggressive herpes. Also, herpes is viewed as an opportunistic infection for people living with AIDS. (Read More on Opportunistic Infections) There are other forms of herpes that people with AIDS can get other than exposure to genital herpes. I've also had my share of that too. Herpes is no joke for people living with AIDS. Back in the day, CMV, another form of herpes, was causing people with AIDS to go blind. I should also go on record and say, if you have herpes your chances of becoming infected with HIV are medically higher.

Mediport Drama! Top the first, bottom the second.

So, while I was on the road 2 weeks ago speaking for National Black HIV/AIDS awareness day my doctor and I was working on solutions to get me to better. It was decided that I would get a new mediport placed a week ago Friday and begin IV medication on that Sunday. It was a great solution that wasn't full proof with no back up plan. #epicfail

The doctors at Intervention Medicine assured my doctor that I would have no problems with this new mediport. But that was not the case and that Sunday when the nurse placed the needle in my port and started the IV drip the pain was so bad that I almost fainted.

So my doctor started working on a plan B because for me, it's always about working toward Better.

Picc Line

Now Plan B is the pits.com but it's all we got and it is a direction toward better. Let my mediport TOTALLY heal before I try to use it again. What a brilliant idea. Given the last fiasco with the last port maybe that should have been my starting point, but noooo there are some people who can get a port placed and use it in the same day. Obvious I'm not one of those people. Now, it is starting to look like I may have to get this new port removed also.

They started me on antibiotics last Thursday. This has been a weird, crazy journey with mediport. They don't know if I just take longer to heal or is it that my body is just flat out rejecting the port. What I know for sure, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm tired of hurting. This is a BIG fat mess because I cannot get anymore picc lines in the left arm. I've had too many and that has caused my veins to narrow.

So Plan B, I would then get a different anti-viral medication called cidofvar to treat the herpes. It's administered in the HIV chemo clinic with a local IV line once a week.

I was depressed as all hell having to get cidofvar. It's an 6 hour day IV infusion and the side effects are a monster; extreme fatigue and nausea. I also have to take another medication the day of the infusion to protect my kidneys. It's 8 pills throughout the day and they also have side-effects.

Like for real, that on top of trying to heal from the trauma of getting the mediport this weekend I was sick as shit. Today is my first day even bathing since the treatment on Friday.

But I was determined not not let the solutions from this new problem of the unexpected outbreak of herpes and how they intend to treat me interfere with the solutions to my other health issues that are caused by living with AIDS I talked about in my last blog.

So I finally went to my first appointment last week with the alternative medicine doctor. I have got to keep moving toward better. I also kept my second therapy appointment because with all this new health drama, it's a wonder I don't lose my mind and I gotta stay sane enough to make the best decisions to keep moving toward better.

SO in the midst of new problems, I was working on old problems with new solutions, moving toward better.

This is what I know for sure; If I hold onto my faith, even if I can't see the better in my right now, I know that if I keep working toward better then it will get better. That's what faith is all about. Believing that it can happen, even when you can't see it. I also remember that, "Faith without works is dead." It's unlikely that you will get a job if you never apply for one. Now that's some real talk. My health ain't gonna get better if I don't seek the solutions to make it better.

For sure, with AIDS anything new could come tomorrow. I tell friends all the time. You can't disappear on me because in your month, weeks and even a day absent, I could get sick just that quick. Can't change that fact. That's part for the course when it comes to AIDS.

What I know for sure, if I do nothing; If I stop working on better today, then better will never come tomorrow. So I keep God at God's Word and work toward better with the belief that the better I cannot see will come when I least expect it.

No matter what you are facing. Keep working toward better. You can't see how that better will happen, nor can you pinpoint the time better will occur. Don't get discouraged if better does not happen in your time. God's ways are not our ways and Gods time is not out time.. But if you keep working on better, for sure God will bless you with the better that's belongs to you.

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Monday Reflection: What To Do When The Miracle Feels Like A Lie!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 15:37:00 +0000

"I just want to wake up in the morning and feel ok," I said with tears in my eyes.
"I know, I know," my doctor said
"It's just, I want to feel better."
My doctor's big round eyes full of empathy and compassion looked straight at me as I complained
"I'm just tired," I said with tears in my eyes.
"You've had it really hard lately," Dr French interjected,
"Yes and I need a break," I put my hands to my face and rubbed them across my face and over my head, fighting back the tears.
"Like I don't understand," I lamented, looking at my doctors face hard. I was searching for answers.
"It's just," she began
It's just people rarely live this long after they have been as sick as you once were."
I sat with tears in my eyes as she explained
"As sick as you were years back, it's just rare that a person would live this long after being so sick." She paused
"That's not just with AIDS, but with any illness, heart disease, cancer." She took a deep breath
"People just don't live this long."
I sat in silence digesting what she was saying
"Damn I'm a miracle," I said to myself. "Man up black woman you're a miracle"
She continued,
"Your immune system was really low at one time."
"My T-Cell count was 8," I said confirming this fact.
She continued,
"It just the damage that was done, can't be reversed and we haven't really had as many people live this long after being so sick with HIV, we just don't know." she concluded.
And with this finality there wasn't much else to be said.

I have one of the best infectious disease doctors I could ask for, so I know that I know that she is doing everything possible to keep me alive as did my doctor of 20 years prior to her. They are both women who care and advocate for the health of women with HIV. She and I had that conversation two weeks ago and it stuck in my spirit like Gorilla Glue.

She told me that I was a miracle and beyond that there's not much else to be done other than keep me alive. The quality of my life is not good. Not good one bit and that is just as much true, as is the miracle of my life.

I've lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21. But over 15 years ago I was so sick that I was on the AIDS timeline for death. It didn't seem like that to people because I was out there hitting the pavement doing what I could to educate and challenge stigma around HIV. Speaking engagements galore, TV interviews, I was going down having done what I could for the cause before it took me out of here.

Make no mistake, I was one sick black woman and my life was hanging in the balance. With that last bout of PCP my T-Cell count was 8 and the HIV medication available was like taking a placebo. They made you think you were getting better because taking them was better than not, but they were mediocre in there ability to change things at best and they made you so sick with side-effects that you couldn't think starlight.

Yes, I was on the timeline of a hard horrible AIDS death, But God had the last say and now I'm here trying to figure out what to do with the miracle of my life.

I'm a miracle for sure, but lately I don't feel like one. Lately, I feel like my world is falling apart and my health is hanging by a tread. The glass is half full and half empty. This is not just how I look at it; it's my reality. I'm a walking breathing dichotomy and my miracle is hanging in the balance.

By the time I made it home that day I had a resolved that it was time to think outside the box. I asked myself, "What am I going to do with this miracle?" Am I going to complain about it and sink deeper into the depression that I'm currently in, or am I going to make it work for me to the best of my ability?

Now be clear, for all practical purposes my HIV in under control. My T-Cell count is 555 and my viral load has been undetectable for the last 7 years. This a miracle in and of it's self. Prior to 7 years ago we couldn't keep my viral load below 5000 and it typically lingered around 15,000 and at it's height it was 397,000. That's what make my current state of health hard to digest. Hypocritically I should not be sick.

This aggressive drug resistant herpes should not be a fact. The neuropathy in my hands, feet, back and sometimes my head and face, should not be my constant, the fatigue, the waking up hurting every freaking day should not be my reality, but it is. My nerve pain is ugly, just fucking ugly and it has infected my spirit and made it ugly and clinical depression is sitting over my being like fog in the we hours of London.

On top of that, I'm having a lot of female related issues. The doctor is trying to work it out. It's important to dot the i's and get to the root because women with HIV have more gynecological issues then most. So we are trying to figure out if it's my endometriosis that I was diagnosed with about 8 years ago flaring up, or is it the on-set of menopausal issues or what. I had yet another endometriosis biopsy two weeks ago; and when she cut up in there I thought I saw blue, green and Jesus the pain was that bad.

Over all my pelvic pain is so bad it makes me want to cut it all out and sit it on the curve. And when I say cut it all out I mean that shit from my ovaries, to my vagina, which is always raw and red and feels like it's on fire. For real y'all, for real, for real.

These are the constants that I wake to every morning. Between the nerve pain and the pelvic pain and my vagina on fire, I don't want to get out of bed and my attitude will make me curse you to hell and back for real. I'm just being honest about my truths. I'm an emotional basket case right now and I'm not liking this. I don't want a damn thing to have more control over me than me; not a man, not a thing, and certainly not AIDS. But right about now, I'm having meltdowns over stupid shit. I need a change! I can't even enjoy my miracle; it feels like a lie.

I need a change for sure and that was very clear to me two weeks ago when I started this journey of back to back doctor appointments seeking solutions. I can pray all I want, but some things you have to do for yourself. God has given me wisdom and the know how to make my life the best it can be. The way things are going, I can't even enjoy my miracle and that is no way to live.

I help my life coaching clients to get unstuck. I push them to step outside the box so that they can be their best and I decided when I left my doctors office that day that I was going to take my own advice. If you keep complaining about your circumstance and do nothing to change it, then your complains are worthless chatter. Somethings God wants us to do for ourselves. The answers are before us, but complaining is easier. Change is scary, sacrifice is scary and change requires sacrifice. My Pastor preached about this yesterday. 2 Kings 7:3- The men with leprosy could have stayed by the road and remind hungry or they could start walking and see where it leads. If they had never moved, they would have never been blessed. Sometimes the blessing is waiting for us, but we stay stuck in our right now.

If you want to move beyond that man, then unfriend his ass on Facebook and Twitter. If you want to lose weight then take your ass to the gym. If you want to go to school, then fill out the darn application. If you want a newer, better job then start looking. If you want some new friends, then stop spending time with the ones that are sucking the life out of you. If you have health issues that require a life style change, then start at the the beginning.

You have to choose! You can't say that you want a change and then do nothing to make that change. For sure life is a blessing in and of itself. For sure life is so worth the living. But the miracle of life becomes a waste if we don't use the many tools that God has given us to live our best life. It's not enough to say you want better, you have to do something to get you to better.

You have to start somewhere and thats what I did the very next day. I had a consultation with a homeopathic doctor and chiropractor. Traditional medicine is keeping me alive, but the quality of my life is no life at all. My doctor said to me, "Well it can't hurt." then she added, Chiropractors know a lot more about pain then I do. NO, I'm NOT going to stop taking my HIV medication. I ani't stupid! Traditional treatment for HIV is a medical breakthrough and I will challenge anyone who says anything other.

So what am I doing? I'm seeking a better quality of life! I'm searching for solutions that might change my current circumstance and improve the quality of my life. I start with Dr. Rosen at the West Loop Chiropractor on next week. He is both a board certified Chiropractor and a Homeopathy doctor, who came on the recommendation of my good friend Dwana. She's so happy right now and lawd she will shout if I should ever stop eating refined sugar. But I told her that there is no life at all if I can't have a cupcake :)

I've already begun a supplement on his recommendation that does not interfere with my HIV medication. So I will be blogging about this journey. Now Dr. Rosen believes that he can help me and I will give more details as I go, but he was clear this will take time. I'm willing to put the time in because that's better then doing nothing at all. Oh and he's into Social Media, so you know I love him already. He's on Twitter @WestLoopChiro He's in the process of putting together a comprehensive plan for me.

I'm working on a holistic approach to a better life. To live whole you have to consider all areas of your life; mental and emotional health included. I mentioned earlier that depression has become real for me. I start therapy again this week and we will be making an assessment on whether I need to alter my current anti-depressant. Yes, I take anti-depressants. HIV causes depression and that's a fact. Menopause also causes depression. I have two cards stacked against me and when you add my crazy ass life on top of the pile it's a mess.

I want to live my best life and I can be honest with myself. Denial will destroy you. I'm having meltdowns over stupid shit. All I want to do is read and I'm having a lot of sleepless nights. I can try to call it something other than depression, but I would be lying and y'all know that I don't lie.

Also, I will be dragging my tail out of the house on Wednesday's to Bible Study and church on Sundays. Not only is the fellowship good for my spirit but Pastor Jakes message is always a source of encouragement to keep going. I need everything I can get right about now.

I will be pulling together an regular exercise routine after I have two more test on today. Exercise is an overall health benefit whether you want to acknowledge it or not. It is great for your overall well being from metal health, to your physical health. I'm going to also incorporate some message therapy to help reduce my stress and work on better eating habits because to much sugar for example, will zap the life out of you in the long run. NO, Im not giving up cupcakes, just not eating as many.

My doctors are doing their part and I'm doing mine! Pastor L Bernard Jakes' sermon was on point yesterday, "I'm Not Dying Here!" Yes, we all have to die one day that's a fact, but there is also another fact, that you don't have to die in the current condition that you are in; and sometimes that condition will kill us quicker than the disease.

Pastor said, if you are always complaining about your circumstance and doing nothing to change it, then you are stuck in the quicksand of your own life! So I'm moving in the direction of better. I know that one session of therapy or three visits to Dr. Rosen is not going to have microwaveable results. Some of this stuff will take time. I'm willing to put in the time, because I want to be my best me.

You must declare to yourself, I'm not Dying Here! I'm not stopping Here! I'm not giving up Here! God has given you the power to jump start your own liberation and that's exactly what I'm doing and now, what about you?