Rae Lewis-Thornton: Diva Living with AIDS

I RANT!! Day 7! Count Down To 50!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 16 May 2012 15:46:00 +0000

I've been MIA because I'm trying to get my book published by my Birthday. It's taking all of my energy. Then yesterday I got side-tracked by some comments on my blog. So I'm addressing them today. I'm over.it... I say it all in the video... Yes I RANT! Yes it's 15 minutes... But I needed to say what i needed to say!! Hope your day is great! I'm pressin my way!

I'm still on IV medication. My hope is to be off on Sunday. Please say a prayer. #IcannotdoitAlone

Today's Video!! Day 7th! Count Down To 50!

Coming Soon! The Politics of Respectability!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 15 May 2012 00:12:00 +0000

Coming Soon! My Second Book, "The Politics of Respectability." I’ve wanted to write a book by my 50th birthday for at least the last eight months. Something that spoke to the very core of who I am as a woman. My 50 years of wisdom about sex, dating, self-love and being true to one's self. Everything seemed to have gotten in the way and I continued to procrastinate.

Book Cover!

Then May 1, 2011 I received a call that would change everything, including my life; forever. After I dried my tears I sat at the computer and the words simply flowed. Delta Sigma Theta Sorority rescinding my membership as an honorary member gave me the fuel and became the catalyst I needed to unpack a larger issue that I tackle every day. What kind of woman I am? Am I, “respectable,” enough as a Woman, Christian and Minister.

While this book is autobiographical in nature, it's not even close to my full story. My memoir, "UnProtected" is yet to be published. This book is however, my story. It unpacks the core of who I am and what I do. This is who I am, with all of my passion and zeal. I don’t know how to be anything else. I am my ministry and my ministry is wrapped around my journey. My experiences have shaped me for better or worse and they inform my day-to-dayness.

My journey landed me into Delta and it landed me out of Delta. This book traces my journey from Mama to Men and how that shaped the woman I am, which in the end lead to my collision course with, “The Politics of Respectability.” I will use my story in first person, some of my most provocative blog posts from my Diva Living With AIDS Blog, as well as, my seminary and PhD studies to craft my collision course with respectability that ended in my expulsion from Delta.

The book will be released first as an Amazon Kindle and as soon as we can finish the lay out, you will be able to get paperback from Amazon book to order. Now I'm going this route because I don't have the funds to print it myself. As soon as I can pull the funds together I will begin distributing the book as well. Not sure how long that will be. Stay Tuned for the Release Date!! It's Coming Real SOON!

Post Script: I may be short some blog post this week because I'm trying to complete the manuscript. I learned today that I will be on IV medication through this week... It will be a fine balance managing the side-effects (right now I'm they are kicking my tail) and finishing the book... But the book will be completed no later than my Birthday!!

Mother's Day Blog Winner!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Sun, 13 May 2012 19:44:00 +0000

The Winner of the Mother's Day Contest.... This is her blog post about her Mother unedited by me...

Mama

My mother had me when she was 22 years old. I was her first child. She has smothered me with love so much that for years, the only quality I thought I would desire in a mate was a man who would spoil me like my mother did. I had Clarks heels before I was eight and she made sure to dress me up fancy all the time. She says when I was a child, she spent most of the time knitting me gloves and socks and head socks and making sure I stayed on a mat so I wouldn’t get dirty. Even today, I see it in the way she buys me expensive perfume and make up and calls me up every other day to find out how I’m doing that she dotes on me.

We had our issues when I was a teenager but even then, I never doubted her true feelings about me.

When my mother was taken ill in May 2008 (she was diagnosed with HIV in 1996), I was scared but she was stronger than us and let us know every single day that the LORD’s promises did not include death at her age. This picture was taken on my visit to the hospital. It was not allowed for caretakers to share beds with the patients but we’d wait until after lights out so that I could climb in beside her. It was more comforting for both of us that way. And I was twenty whole years old!

Here she was struggling with nausea and her teeth enamel had been severely erroded by constant vomiting but she was still smiling for the camera (I took the picture). That’s Mama. Always calm in a storm. Her recovery took a long time, about half a year, and even then, she lost use of her legs. In this time, I have come to appreciate my mother’s strength of spirit. She still works extra hard at her sewing machine. She taught herself how to tailor, how to paint and has had several businesses wherever she has lived. She’s an enterprising woman. If you can see the plaits in her hair on the hospital bed, yeah, she taught me that too. I had uncountable dolls while growing up to practice with. She has had nine children and although she now remains with seven, I don’t know how she does it but everyone believes they are her favourite child. She dotes on her children and her husband and talks about God every day of her waking.

This picture was taken last year, a day before my graduation day. I was fresh out of a four hour bus journey from the town I was doing my internship and was trying on the outfit for the next day. She was working in her shop, as evidenced by the tape measure around her neck. She has since moved to a bigger shop and it’s business as usual. Mama had a government job before her illness in 2008. She lost it later but even that hasn’t held her back. She is self employed and takes making the most of everything to a higher level. My mother is a very special woman and I hope to God she knows it. Sometimes I don’t know how I can let her know this in words or actions. She’s beating AIDS, stress and work like the true winner she is. I love you Mama, and when I grow up (never mind that I’m turning 24 this May), I want to be just like you.

Day 13! Count Down To 50!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 11 May 2012 16:54:00 +0000

Today is day 13th as I count down to 50 years of life. As of today I've been on IV medication for 25 days and I'm so ready to get off. I'm moving slow because the side-effects of the med's is really affecting me. There will be no written blog today, just my video count down... I need the time for the book.

Have a great weekend! And ummmm use a condom!! There is no sex worth your life!!

Day 13 Video....

Day 15th Video....

Dating The Right Reverend Part Three!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 09 May 2012 15:33:00 +0000

(Links For Part One and Two Scroll To Bottom)

Yep, I left the Right Reverend's little town all in love, but what I didn't know was a freight train was gonna hit my ass. I should have followed my first mind. I knew in my heart of heart that this shit didn't feel right. I knew it, but I didn't want to be alone, especially with HIV.

The Right Reverend was so accepting of my HIV status, I wanted to believe that my best interest would be a priority. I wanted to believe my best interest would be severed all the way around. Well let me tell you, just because a man is great in one area does not mean he will be great in another area. Nope.

And when the freight train hit my ass, I had no idea what happened. I was in Chicago visiting Mama. Lawd, she had finally joined the church and was getting Baptized and I was not going to miss that one if my life had depended on it. Growing up with Mama, she never put her feet inside of a church, NEVER. I would leave her in bed hung over on Sunday morning. Interesting though, she always had Sunday dinner ready when I got home. She was a functional alcoholic to the max.

But back to the Right Reverend. He had a preaching engagement that weekend in another town. So when I settled into Chicago that Friday night I called him at the hotel he was staying at. He was not there. Then I checked my messages and sure enough he had left a message. He said, "Sweetie, I've made it safely. Don't call me tonight I'll check with you in the morning." Now ummmm, we NEVER went to bed without talking and that just didn't sound right.

I shook it off, but only for a little while. A few hours later I called back to the hotel and he still wasn't in. I hung up but I couldn't shake it. Where was he so late? Now, this was way before cell phones. I went to bed, but I just couldn't shake it, "Where the hell was he at this hour," I kept asking myself? This was so out of our norm. I went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, numb. Then I remembered when I called the hotel, the city name sounded familiar. I thought about it long and hard, and then it hit me, I saw on those letters in his apartment. Yep the ones I found in his closet.

So I got up out of bed and called again. He still wasn't there at 2:00 A. M. and yep, it was the same town. I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I got nervous... Lawd did I get nervous. I didn't want to know, but I needed to know...
I needed to know... I needed to know!!!! So I picked up the telephone again and asked for directory assistance in this small town. Yall they didn't have this universal directory assistance back then; Times have really changed.

So I called and I asked for the listing of the woman's name that I remembered seeing on the letter. She had a number. I wrote it down and then I fell to the floor. Lawd, this cannot be happening to me. This cannot be happening to me. He was the best thing since sliced bread and he certainly was the best thing, so I thought, since I learned that I was HIV positive. But the bread had molded and now I had to decide if I was gonna keep it or throw that shit away.

I had to know. I had to confirm my suspicion, but I needed to get my wits about me. I went into the kitchen and made me a cup of Lipton tea, they didn't have all this fancy stuff yet. I sat at the kitchen table and I talked to God. "Lord now you know, you know, you know." That's all I could say, and truly needed to say, because God does know. I took a deep breath, "Just give me the strength and courage to do the right thing?"

After I had finished my tea, I made the call. Hello, I heard a woman's voice. I took a deep breath and I asked for the Right Reverend. I heard her say, "It's for you," so they must have been close. When I heard his voice my stomach dropped.

I lit in, "What the fuck are you doing?" His ass was just as calm and you know that pissed me off more. "I'm visiting a friend Rae." "At 2:00 A.M. the fuck clock in the morning?" I hollered. He said, "I'm not going to deal with this right now." Huh? I looked at the phone. He had dismissed me, all hell naw , HELL NAW!!

"What the fuck are you doing there?" "Rae, Rae," he was trying to calm me down. "You better get the fuck out of there and I mean now. How can you do this to me?" I yelled. He was still so calm. "I'm not going to discuss this right now,"He said. "The fuck you ain't," I hollered!

"How could you do this? I thought she was just a friend?" I asked. "She is Rae," he said calmly. "The hell she is! You don't visit your friends at 2 in the morning," I fired back! "Rae, listen I'm visiting a close friend that's all," He said. "Well you better unvisit her ass," I hollered. He finally relented. "I'm going to the hotel and I will call you from there." Fine!" I hollered and hung up the phone.

I sat at the table and waited and about 30 minutes later the phone rang. I answered on the first ring. "What the fuck was you doing there, what the fuck was you doing there?" I hollered before he could say a thing. "Are you going to listen," he asked? "What were you doing there?" I repeated myself then added, "I'm not enough woman for you?"

"Rae will you please calm down please?" I shut up and started to listen. He plead his case. We are just friends he explained. "But you fucked her before," I said. "Yes Rae, but I'm with you now. Baby I love you with all of my heart. Really, we were just sitting there talking." "Yeah well, why didn't you want me to call you late?" He had an answer for EVERYTHING, I mean everything.

That night we didn't resolve anything. We argued and argued about it for the next few days, but I gave in because I didn't want to lose him. He then flipped the script. Men are good at that shit. It became an issue about him being able to trust me. I had roamed through his things at home and now I'm tracking him down at other people's house. He had me on the defensive.

But this didn't feel right. It just didn't feel right. Nor did I like this feeling. I had it way to many times. A woman should feel secure in a relationship. Yes she should. But instead I felt trapped. I didn't want to be alone; I just didn't. "Who else is gonna want me?" I kept asking myself.

Yes, he said that he loved me but his actions were not matching up with his words. I knew in my heart of hearts that this was not right. He might have loved me, but I didn't like how his brand of love felt. I knew it had to come to a head. I knew I needed to get on with my life, but the fear of being alone was just too much. Fear paralyzed me to do the best thing for me. I was young with HIV and I didn't want to be alone, I just didn't.

In those early days self-love was slow coming, but I always came around. Now I know today, that slow coming caused a lot of emotional damage. That's why I tweeted that young lady that day about her relationship.

No one should be in a relationship that does not let you shine; that does not lift you up to be the best you can be. Bullshit ain't nothing, there is no man or woman on this planet worth your dignity!! The longer you stay in the relationship that beats you down, the more you lose of yourself, self-worth and self-esteem. You are the best thing that ever happened to you and that should always be your guiding light.

Yep, in those early days having a man in my life was the most important thing and it took more hurt and shit piled on top of me to walk away. It took a few months, but I had to let the Right Reverend go. I knew in my heart of heart who he was. Living with HIV, I didn't think I could handle anymore hurt. So I did what I had to do. I left. I left knowing that I had HIV and I ran the risk of maybe not finding another man to love me. But the fact of the matter, his brand of love hurt more than it felt good. I just had to be honest with myself at the end of the day. So I left!

We stay stuck in these unhealthy relationships because we don't want to be alone. We stay stuck because he/she is what we know and knowing what we know is better than what we don't know. What I know for sure, as long as you keep holding on to shit, you will always stink. You have to clean up and out to be the best you and to attract the best for you.

Part One

Part Two

There is No More Rain In My Cloud!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 08 May 2012 19:12:00 +0000

I landed in the freaking ER Last night! My chest has been hurting for the last few days and then my arm started to tingle. I thought that I was having a heart attack or had a blood clot from my picc line. Well it was neither! It was a combination of my current health issue with the herpes and the IV medication and STRESS....

I had a reality check. My ass landed in ER because of STRESS... Now I know that stress is not my friend, especially because I already don't have an immune system. My body reacts to everything! But I cannot let stress take my ass up out of here. God did not bring me this far for me to lose focus. So I'm getting my shit together!!

I'm gonna stop saying I'm O.K and get O.K.!! I am not going to squander another day of God's gift of life to me stuck over something I can't do shit about anyway. As I always say, It is what is. I can't change a damn thing, but what I can change is me. AIDS ain't took my ass out of here, and I declare I ain't letting anything or anybody take me out. Both of my BFF's have said I would have told them by now to get the fuck over it. So I'm taking my own advice. God has too much work for me and I have squandered a week of my life stuck... stuck... stuck...

Father Forgive Me For Losing Focus...

But ummmmmmm... There is No More Rain In My Cloud! Today I'm working, I mean really working. I have a book to publish and I have RLT Collection bracelet orders to get out and dishes to wash. Do you hear me, THERE IS NO MORE RAIN IN MY CLOUD!

Today's Video.. Day 17th! Count Down To 50!

Mother's Day Give Away! RLT Collection!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 08 May 2012 18:44:00 +0000

It's no secret that I have never known a mother's love. My biological mother was a heroin addict who spent many years using. And when I finally met her, heroin had taken all that she had to give. She tried, but in the end, she just wasn't able too.

The woman I call Mama, my grandfather's third wife, who actually raised me just wasn't capable. While she provided a stable home with the basics, food, clothing and shelter, she left me unprotected and violated. She wheeled her brand of love with mean words and anything she could grab in her hand.

But I know there are some of you that have a different experience. A wonderful experience. So here's your chance to tell the world on my blog. Write me a blog post telling why your mother is special. The winner will receive this beautiful Mother of Peal bracelet from RLT Collection for their mother. And the blog you write will be posted on my blog on Mother's Day in honor of your mother.

To Enter the Raffle:

1. You must write a blog no longer than 500 words. E-mail to rae@raelewisthornton.com.

2. Send a picture of your mother.

3. Send a picture of you and your mother.

4. You must follow me on Twitter-if you are on Twitter.

5. You must like my Facebook Fan Page -if you are on Facebook.

6. She does not have to be your biological mother but she has to be the woman who raised you for at least half of your life.

DEADLINE! Send me the blog post and pictures by Friday May 11th at 9:00 AM!

The winner will be announced Sat May 12th.

The blog you wrote on your mother with pictures will be posted on Mother's Day, May 13th

Good Luck Lovely's... Everyone can enter!!!

Monday Reflection: All Things Work Together For Good...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 07 May 2012 16:59:00 +0000

On day 17 as I count down to 50 I'm resting my body, mind and spirit. So there will be no regular Monday Reflection.... Just todays video. What I know for sure: No matter what you are facing, all things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. Well the Bible says:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose
Romans 8:28 NIV

We can be sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good
NIV/Message

Don't be confused, God has a purpose for everyone's life. That means you too. We just need to be still and hear from God; But then, when God tells you to move that 's what you do. Obedience is Better Than Sacrifice.

God told me to move. Since Wednesday night I have been working on a book, "The Politics of Respectability" It will first be an Amazon e-book and shortly there after I will lay it out to print, also on Amazon. I have no money to self-publish any other way, so I'm using what's before me. The photo shoot for the cover was done yesterday and my hope is to have the book completed by this weekend or early next week. When I sit at the computer it just flows. I have never been able to write this much, so clearly in such a short period of time. I'm somewhere between 85-90% done with the first draft. God is giving me so much clarity. I'm using my life experiences, my education, especially drawing from my PhD studies around Black Women and my blog. I'm excited that God planted this book into my spirit.

Be encouraged Lovely's and know that God always has a plan. Know that all things work together for good. You just be steadfast and unmovable in your faith and God's call for your life.

Day 17 Video....

Day 18 Video....

Dating The Right Reverend- Part Two!!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:46:00 +0000

I know yall been waiting on part two of Dating The Right Reverend, so here you go. You can read Part One Here.

We left off at the phone call from the other woman. So I couldn't wait to let whoever this heifer was know, there's a NEW woman, so step the hell back. So I said, "Sweetie, he's in the shower right now, I would be glad to take a message." There was silence and I smiled. "Mission accomplished," I thought! She chimed in, "Will you please let him know, (whatever the heck her name was) is on the phone." "Sure," I said and went to the bathroom. "Hey Babe Kathy Mae is on the telephone." "WHAT?" he said. I repeated myself, "Kathy Mae is on the phone. I told her you were in the shower, but she 'sinsistent."

There was a deep sigh, "Rae, I'm in the shower, tell her I can't come to the phone." So I politely went back to the telephone. "He told me to tell you that he can't come to the phone right now." There was silence and then a defeated voice. "Alright," and then click.

I had won! But I knew he was irritated, so I slipped off my clothes and slipped into the shower with him. I would make him forget all about her. Make him remember that I was all the women he needed. My tongue made my way down and it became just the two of us all over again. But later that day it was nagging at me, so I asked the Right Reverend, "Who is she?" "Baby, she's an old girlfriend that won't let go." He added, "I have nothing to hide. You have been all over this small town with me. You've met my family and friends, I have nothing to hide."

He was right, if he had another woman then he was slicker than slick because I had been everywhere and met everybody. And then I started to think about it, I had HIV. Why would he be with me if he wanted someone else? And why would he put someone in a triangle with HIV in the middle? He was much smarter then that. So I continued to enjoy the day. I put Kathy Mae or whatever her name was, out of my head.

As the day turned into night, I couldn't get it out of my head. I just couldn't get it all of my head. So that morning when he left for work, I went looking. Now the thing about looking is this, don't look if you are not prepared to find. For Real... For Real...

The fact is when you go looking the relationship is already over, trust has already gone out the window. If they are cheating it's confirmed, if they aren't cheating, then you have over stepped boundaries for no reason. Ummmm, but sometimes, whether you find it or not, there is something inside of you that says something is wrong. No one should be made to feel as if something is wrong. A man should make a woman feel like she is the only woman in the room all day long, bottom line.

So I went looking. I looked and looked and found nothing. It started to seem as if I had been silly. I got a cup of tea and relaxed on the sofa and then something in my spirt told me to look in the hall closet. WOW! There I found it, a bag of letters, OMG! and I mean letters. But there was nothing locally, they were all from another town in Michigan. I sat there are read them and I was blown away. The girl wrote, "While you were in the pupil preaching, I was getting wet and thinking about fuckin him." WOW!! HUH?

This was too much for me. I paced that damn floor all day waiting on his ass to get home from work. I was hurt, mad, pissed-off and whatever else you want to add. How cold I have been such a fool? How could I have been such a fool? I have HIV why would he add a third party? Yes we were using condoms but this was still so not right on so many levels.

The minute he walked in that door we had it out. But in the end, it became more of an argument about why I had invaded his privacy, rather than what I had found.

He had me on the defensive; I knew I was wrong looking through his things. Let me be clear, that bag of letters was wayyyy back in the closet. I was digging deep. I was wrong. I had no right. I was ashamed of myself and mad as hell at him. Mad that I had found these damn letters. Mad that another woman was thinking about lovin him. Mad! Mad! Mad! All of my insecurities stared to surface. Maybe he would choose her over me because I have HIV. It was a mess!

But the more we talked the more he seemed to smooth it over. He had a great explanation and it sounded good. She was an old girlfriend, look at the dates on the letters Well, they had been sent right before we started talking. He pleaded his case and it sounded good. It sounded good because I didn't want to be with HIV and alone. It sounded good because he was the perfect man in all other respects; Minister, good job, running for political office in his home town, compassionate about social justice, well dressed and good lawd that boy knew how to rock my world in bed.

I surrendered to his madness and explained it away. Just months before I met him, I was thinking that I would never find a man that would be with me because I had HIV and now I had one that was inhabited to the 3rd power. I explained it away, "It takes time to clean house," I said to myself. Maybe she was old news. Yep, I explained it away because I didn't want to be alone.

He had to be a keeper. This had to work out, it just had to. But I missed the golden rule that day, When someone shows you who they are believe them, don't make excuses, don't explain it away and don't wait for a better day. It is what it is!

I put it all out of my head. I explained it away and went back to DC lovin this man for lovin me. The relationship seemed to be going steady. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and I was head over heels in love. I was in DEEP!

Then in one night it all came tumbling down and I had to face the truth and make a hard decision, keep a man, or lose myself and all of my dignity in the process.

To Be Continued...

I know I know... I'm sorry my life is crazy right now.. and I'm trying to balance it all... I will work on the rest later tonight... *blows kisses*

Day 21! Count Down To 50! My Body Has Crashed... But...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Thu, 03 May 2012 14:01:00 +0000

Today is Day 21 as I count Down To 50! My body has crashed from the combo of stress, HIV fatigue and this darn IV medication, but I'm pressin my way. Today I'm working from bed. I've already started writing part two of Dating The Right Reverend and it's coming TODAY! Promise... :)

Today's Video! Day 21! Count Down To 50!

Post Script: The Diva AIDS Awareness Bracelet celebrating my life and work will be ready to ship by Tuesday. Thanks for the pre-orders! If you were waiting you can go ahead and order it. Also, The Delta Bracelet that I designed and introduced last week is still on the site and has been re-named to Diva 2. Sorry but I had no choice. However, I have invested all this freaking money into the supplies, so I'm still selling the bracelet, it's perfect for stacking and will look cute with the Diva AIDS Awareness Bracelet! SHOP HERE FOR BOTH

Diva AIDS Awareness and Diva 2 Bracelets.

Don't forget Mother's Day.. RLT Collection are wonderful and they make wonderful gifts. I have tons of Bracelets on SALE I'm shipping out the next day and if you make your order by 12 noon it will go out the same day. UPS and Priority Mail takes about the same time but Priority Mail is cheaper. You can choose either one.. It takes about 2-4 days depending on where you live. These Mother of Pearl Bracelets Kim Coles are wearing are perfect for any Mother... They are on sale and I have other Mother of Pearl Bracelets on sale too. Shop Here For These Bracelets Kim is wearing

Kim Coles Sporting RLT Collection!

Day 22! Count Down To 50! I'm Moving Forward!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:02:00 +0000

Yesterday was a tough day, but after a sleepless night in God's face, mucho prayer and meditation, I'm moving forward. Yep, today was a good day for me. I took some time away from the house and some what from my work to process the recent events of my life. You know God always has a plan and if you just sit still, you will be given all the direction that you need.

Now don't be confused. Just because I don't wallow in misery, don't mean I'm not hurting. I remember a minster use to say, it's not that you fall in the shit, it's how long you stay in the shit and how much absorbs in your skin.

So I'm up and at them. After a long walk, a great lunch and long talks with dear friends, I'm moving forward on a project that has been in my spirit for at least 8 months.

For some reason I just couldn't get the right fit. But today it was all made plain to me and this evening I started pulling together an Amazon eBook. I wish that I had the money to publish a paperback, but truly eBooks are poplar right now.

So I'm tooooo excited. The Politics of Respectability is COMING no later than May 22nd my birthday. But I hope that I get it done at least the week before. Now y'all know I must be crazy starting a new project while I'm on this IV medication, but ummm the Bible says Obedience is better than Sacrifice and God has given me direction so I'm Moving Forward! Don't sit on God's plans for your life, you might miss out on your blessing and you just might miss blessing others!

Today Video! Day 22! Count Down To 50!

Day 23! Count Down To 50! One of the Saddest Days of My LIfe....

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 02 May 2012 00:38:00 +0000

Today is one of the saddest days of my life... I'll let the video do the talking or else I'll start crying on the keyboard... I'm just asking that you keep me in your prayers... This level of stress is not good for herpes and I cannot afford a relapse. The hope is that I am getting off the I medication at the end of the week.

Today's Video.... Day 23... As I Count Down To 50!

Monday Reflection: Use What You Got and Watch God!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:58:00 +0000

Many of you know that I have been struggling with my critics and the idea that my approach to my work is not "appropriate." No matter what my blog is about for that day, I get people who post comments that have nothing to do with that post, but rather a comment that says that I need to get it together and be more "appropriate" for a Christian because my approach is not reflective of "Jesus."

On the other side of the coin, I've been struggling with the very very high volume to my blog monthly and the fact that I have not been able to find sponsors for this awesome work, while the fluff fluff blogs got all kind of ads on their blogs and the male gay sites have all kinds of HIV medication advertisements on them, when it's clear to me, that when people go to a dating site they are thinking about sex, not about how to live healthy.

While I know in my spirit that I am doing what God has called me to do, it still touches a cord. Still, I've been faithful and will continue to be faithful to my work. I believe that I made myself clear last week, critics get a life other than mine!!

Then, on yesterday I was just talking to Trey on his visit over about the blog issue and in the end we both concluded, that I am doing God's work and that's the most important thing, just keep tweeting and blogging, God will bless me in God's time.

But lets be honest, its hard when you are trying to keep the lights on. Ummmm, now don't get me wrong, I do have food, but just like the Children of Israel in the Wilderness, we want to store all the manna we can, rather than trust God day to day. This day to day living is scary as hell. For Real!!!

I am no different from many of you, I moan and moan. I even moan about my bracelet business, RLT Collection. Yep, and then God reminds me in His own way to get it together. In my devotional time this morning, I opened the devotion that I should have read on yesterday, but didn't. I'm thinking now that I needed to have that conversation with Trey yesterday before I read it, just to allow it to marinate in my spirit. He and I concluded that we are who we are, and it's a natural just like our skin. We can't be nothing other than what we are. Anyhoo, I read this devotional from my church and it spoke VOLUMES to my spirit, so I'm sharing it with you unaltered at the bottom of this blog post.

Let me say this, don't get stuck with the way things should be done. Your gifts and talents belong to you for God to use for His glory and the goodness of others. Don't get stuck on why other people's projects are growing at a faster rate then yours. Don't get stuck on what your critics have to say. The Bible say's, God calls and God equips. And as sure as I will be 50 years old in 23 more days, the Bible says' God will make room for your gifts. " The doors and heart you are suppose to get through, you will.

I so needed this reminder this morning, David didn't try to be a fancy fighter, he used the tools that he was most familiar with, 5 stones and a sling shot. I'm sure those looking on started to mumble amongst themselves, "This boy most be mad." It was unconventional, actually it was unheard of, but God can use ANYTHING. In this text we never see where David had a ounce of fear or doubt. David, knew what he knew and that was enough for him and in the end, God used what he knew.

We have to be willing to walk in our gifts and talents with assurance that God will use them. We put limits on God when we say it can only be done in one particular way. I serve a God that turned water into wine and raised the dead to life. Just continue to do what you know. Your gifts are yours and God will use you whether, Baker Man or Garbage Man. The Bible says, God will make room for your gift. Yep, this devotional was exactly what I need, it blessed me in so many ways.

Yep I have to get over myself. I keep whinning about my bracelet business. I say, "Some people get all of the breaks. When is it going to happen to me?" The quality of my gemstones are far superior to much of what I see out there and I believe so are a lot of my designs. I moan and moan. Get over it Rae, no the Basketball wives are not wearing my bracelets on TV, But yet, I get a new customer every single week. See, God will make room for your gifts and use what you got.

I think I came to a come to meeting with Jesus understanding this morning!! I'm done with compassions. It makes me no better than my critics that compare my work to the other Christians and or ministers.

I'm done with complaining. I will continue to do the WORK and however God blesses me, I will accept it graciously. I think we cheat God when we complain about what we don't have, rather than celebrate what we do.

In the end, I think I will appreciate my accomplishments more, by getting it the old fashion way, hard work and determination. In the days of reality TV everybody wants everything quick and in a hurry.

But in the real world, growth takes a lot of hard work and time. So I re-invest over and over again in my bracelet line. I'm always at my bead board coming up with new designs to make the Collection the best. I will continue to reinvest and keep it fresh. Yep, build RLT Collection, one bracelet at a time and one customer at a time. But be assured, before I die, RLT Collection will be a household name.

Yep, I will continue to speak, blog and tweet and at the end of the day, the testimonies I get via email ands tweets about how one of my tweets, my blog or hearing me speak touched a life, it's worth more then any amount of money.

At the end of the day, all you can do is use the gifts and talents you have. Don't be something you are not. When you are something you are not, then you are living a lie and God wants us to live as He intended for us to be. Your journey is your own, don't make it someone else's

Today, I'm even more convicted and dedicated in all that I do. I GET IT!! My gifts are my own, whether it's speaking, tweeting, blogging or designing a bracelet.

And the Bible tells me, if I continue to use what I have it is just enough for God to work with. Stop boxing God into what you think is right and the best way. Be like David, use what you got and watch God do the rest.

Today's Reading: 1 Samuel 16-17; Psalm 48

Text for this reflection: 1 Samuel 17:38-40

Then Saul dressed David in his own gear, putting a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David strapped his sword on over the armor, but he couldn't walk around well because he'd never tried it before. "I can't walk in this," David told Saul, "because I've never tried it before." So he took them off. He then grabbed his staff and chose five smooth stones from the streambed. He put them in the pocket of his shepherd's bag and with sling in hand went out to the Philistine.
(Common English Bible)

Reflection
With good reason, the David and Goliath story is so well known that it has become a cultural trope. Who can resist the underdog--a boy who was able to defeat a foe most considered invincible? We cherish these types of stories because they defy all the odds. We want to know how such things could happen when our own experiences tell us otherwise.

David prevailed because God was on his side, of course, but this small excerpt shows David's success was due to more than just God's favor. David was successful because he stayed true to who he was. Rather than accept the armor and disguise himself behind someone else's idea of power, David boldly trusts his background as a shepherd to be enough.

The eighteenth-century rabbi Zusya once remarked, "In the world to come, God will not ask me why I was not more like Moses. God will ask me why I was not more like Zusya." We have each been uniquely gifted by God, but sometimes those gifts are disguised beneath the armor the world prescribes for us. Perhaps we should take a cue from David and let our true selves show--we just may find that who we are is exactly what is needed.

Prayer
God, I give you thanks for creating me uniquely. Help me to resist the temptation to be something other than who you created me to be--to instead know that my gifts are exactly what is needed to make a difference in this world. Amen.

Written by Matthew J. Helms, Pastoral Resident
mhelms@fourthchurch.org

Day 29! Count Down To 50! Ain't Shit Pretty About AIDS!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 15:56:00 +0000

I love this picture. It appeared on the cover of the Washington Post in 1996. When I first started speaking I was hell on wheels. I talked more shit and was rough around the edges, honestly, I was even more than I am now. If you could imagine LOL... After two hours of being raw, honest, and transparent to this group of young people in a summer program in Washington, DC, this 13 year girl couldn't stop crying. She said no one had ever validated her decision to remain a virgin and that it was hard because ALL of her girlfriends were having sex; But after hearing me lay it out on the line, she knows that it's O.K. We had no idea the photographer had captured this special moment between us.

Day 29 as I count down to 50! I wanted you to see the IV process that I must do twice a day! Ummm I get a tad emotional on this video *shrugs* I don't take a thing back...

PS... I know you are waiting on Part Two.. Dating The Right Revered... I've been moving slow, but It will be tomorrow blog.... I will start working on it today while at my doctors appointment.

Day 30! Count Down To 50! Better Not BItter!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 01:38:00 +0000

As I count down to 50 years of life... I'm trying every day to be Better Not Bitter! This IV medication is kicking my tail, but I'm pressing my way. I refuse to allow this round to steal my joy! My life is a miracle and I am not confused on that one bit....

Here's Today's Video! Day 30!!!

Monday Reflection: Being The Best You!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 18:16:00 +0000

Being honest with yourself is hard. Especially on those things that are not cute. Those things that seem to nag and tap away at you and leave an ounce of insecurity. If we are honest about it, we all have something. Maybe it stems from childhood or maybe it's something that developed over the years, but we all have that one thing and some of us have more, that just eats away at us and when people start touching on it in some kind of way, we get defensive, we shut down, we cuss and we hide. Your personality type typically determines how you react.

Yep, I'm a living witness. For as strong and self assured that I am, I have them too. A biggie is that Hoe thing. You know, "She must be hoe because she has HIV and herpes," and my type A personality gets people right straight with that shit. "Aint nobody giving away no pussy over here," I say boldly.

Yep, I say, "I was doing it in the name of love," when in honesty, it doesn't matter how you doing it, you are still giving that person a part of you that you can never get back.

Some how I've comes to terms with it over the years. I'm solid more or less. Maybe because I've shared so much of my dating and sex life with the public, it has had some kind of liberating affect on me. As it stands now, I'll share just about anything and not think twice. So when people go there, I more or less use it as an educating opportunity for me.

Yep, we all have them, those things that will get us hot mad if a person even goes there, even get near there. Now that the sex thing seems to have less of an impact on me these days, the God thing certainly takes center stage; And I get HOT MAD!

Yep, that God thing. If someone questions my faith or even come close to it, I get them right straight, with my hands on my hips. Now, I understand that my ministry is unorthodox, but God can use anything and I wish everybody could see through my lenses or read some of the heart warming e-mails I get about how my tweets, my speaking engagement and my blog has touched them, changed them, made them better and I'm using their words.

But people don't see those and they tend to judge by their own history and journey. Yep people say to me all the time, You call yourself a Christian the way you cuss; You call what you do ministry, you don't act like no minster; You call yourself a Christian and you were fornicating, thats how you got HIV.

And truth be told, I'm still kinda sort of fornicating, but not in these days with a broke down vagina and a commitment to only be with men who value me and not just what's between my legs.

I haven't had sex in almost two years now and the last guy I was with, I thought for sure, I would be his wife, but ummm, he didn't see himself as God intended and with that fact, I had to move on with my life.

Yep, some of you will even have contention with what I just said. I call yall the Super-Saved Christians always putting lifestyle in front of salvation. But I'm not defending my faith today, I'm talking about a larger issue. Moving past your issues, to be the best person for you and each person you encounter. Ok, I'm being honest here and some of you still may have an issue with what I'm saying, *shrugs* I'm making the first BIG step of releasing it and maybe you should too.

Let me tell you how I got here:

About a week ago, Sophia, a writer who follows me on twitter Retweeted my, Cant Take Back The Sex blog post. As a result, I received this tweet from another woman and it said:

This article is powerful. As a health professional I agree. As a Christian woman--I am saddened. Bless you Rae

Now it seems like she was saying something nice to me, but Ima be honest, I didn't understand the Christian thing, like why had she singled that out? So I tweeted her for clarification:

I would like to understand what you mean, "as a Christian woman," because I'm one too.

Then I followed up:

In fact, I'm a minister with a Master of Divinity Degree.

The lady didn't respond, but her daughter did. SHOCKED! The woman Sophia who originally tweeted my blog was the daughter of the woman who had tweeted me. Never know who the heck you tweeting. Yep, just as I was sort of getting claifiation to defend my honor, she was sort of getting clarification to defend her mother.

Sophia Tweeted:

Hey Rae you are addressing my mom there. She was simply saying that she as a Christian woman was sad this happened two you.

Her Second Tweet:

Here we go giving our credentials. #SistersHeal good grief-always ready to POUNCE no one is questioning your faith sister.

Now I have to also admit Twitter can get you some kinda mad at a person. In 140 characters a tweet can be misinterpreted quickly. So I backed away from it, basically because I like Sophia and ummmm this was someone's mother, someone's grandmother, so basically I said, blame it on Twitter not my heart and honestly I didn't take ownership to my POUNCE.

In reality it was a combo of both. I mean this is someone's grandmother, she's not Twitter savvy like some of us so what she tweeted in kindness, I interpreted in judgment.

On the flip side, Sophia was letting me know, back off, this is my mother, and at the same time trying to balance what she said with her work around sisterhood. Now, I wasn't totally happy with her tweet either, I played it over in my head what her mother had tweeted and it still kinda had me ruffled up and her thing about my credentials *shrugs* but I backed off and we kept right on tweeting each other.

Then yesterday, I read an article that Sophia Nelson wrote for Essence.com and Get Lifted Sisters: It's Time To Let The Healing Begin and I had the BIGGEST Aha Moment. It's worth the read, there is great advice from some phenomenal women. Click Here To Read

While I already knew many of the things in this particular article, in fact I use these ideas with my Life Coaching clients, there seemed to be a disconnect in my own life around this particular issue of my faith and my work.

Reading Sophia's article made me face the realization that I had not faced the realization that I have insecurities about how other people see my work. I'm provocative and unorthodox and that has left me at the scrutiny, judgment and even wrath of others and that has left me in defensive mode.

I have threatened to write a many a blogs defending my work. I even have one written in response to someone's comment on my blog months ago, but I didn't post it for fear of even more judgment.

I've been harboring all these bad feelings and that is not good for my health. Yep, holding onto how I feel about people telling me that I am "ungodly" and that my work does not represent the best that Christ has to offer.

So today I'm taking the first step at healing. Some time today, I will post my one blog that I wrote months ago but never published, about my faith and my work and I'm done. I am releasing this to God.

I want nothing to interfere with how we should truly treat one another. I want to be able to approach this and every topic in a conversation rather than confrontation. Now, that does not mean I will change my methodology, provocative is what I am. But I want to change what's at my core driving the ugly. I want to have a clear heart about all things in my life. I'm trying to be the best me that I can be as I move into this next decade.

I understand that when you are the best you, then that's what you give to others!!!

Post Script: I ordered Sophia Nelson book today... Can't wait to read it. Yes, I will give you a review... Black Woman Redefined: Dispelling Myths and Discovering Fulfillment in the Age of Michelle Obama... Click Amazon Here To Order

Dating The Right Reverend...

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:20:00 +0000

Last night one of the young ladies I follow on Twitter was tweeting about her relationship. She said, "I'm tired of crying." And y'all know I jumped right in. Yep! I tweeted, "Fuck a man who can't love and treat you the way you should be... If he can't see the value then he don't deserve you!! " Yep, Yep, I told her straight up, "When someone shows you who they are believe them, don't explain it away, don't make excuses." Believe it!

I had much to say. I have declared WAR on all these unhealthy relationships. Staying stuck with someone who does not value you or treat you with all the goodness you deserve, we all deserve. If no one has ever told you, then here you go, Waiting for a man to call, Waiting on man to do right by you-when he continues to do wrong, Waiting on a man to come around, is all unhealthy and you should want more for yourself, God does. But we stay stuck in the madness for fear of being alone, but as long as you are stuck, you will never get the person you deserve.

Now, I don't know any of the details of this baby girl's relationship but from her tweets, I know she is hurting and it's time to make a change. I also know for sure, that change must come from within. You cannot expect people to do for you what you are not willing to do for yourself; And staying in a relationship that sucks the life out of you is giving that person permission to treat you this way. At the end of the day, NO woman should waste her pretty on a man. I know, I know, Lawd, Lawd that is easier said than done. We all want to have someone, I've been there more times than I would like to admit. For Real. Like the time I was dating the Right Reverend.

Good Lawd, the Right Reverend was all of that and a bag of chips with a Mystic, well at least in the beginning. I met the Right Reverend at a training conference for political organizers. Our eyes met a few times across that room, but he was cool as a cucumber. He didn't approach me that morning and y'all know I didn't go there. I'm too much of a lady to chase a man under any circumstance.

But it was the late 80's and I was young, fine and well put together and the Right Reverend had to be blind not see what I saw. Oh y'all, I was also newly diagnosed with HIV. Yep, Yep, he could see all the goodness on the outside, but not the danger lurking on the inside.

Sure enough, the Right Reverend made his way to me and introduced himself before the day way over. You talking about charm and charisma he had it all. OMG! I liked everything about this Brotha. Our courtship started right then and there and it was a whirlwind.

We were instantly glued to each other's side and as the sun went down and night was sweeping the horizon we made it to his hotel room. STOP! You're right, I had no business in this man's hotel room I had just met him, and ummm, I did have the little detail of HIV lurking, but his charm was all consuming and I didn't have the will power to stop myself back then.

And honestly, I liked the attention, I mean I hadn't really been in a relationship since I was diagnosed with HIV and My God this man was pushing all the right buttons. And understand this era of the 80's people just didn't have those kind of apprehensions, we just went with the flow in the justification of getting to know each other a little better.

Seconds, turned into minutes and minutes into hours, yes Lawd, we were a match made in heaven, same passion for justice and the same passion for Jesus. But ummm Jesus had nothing to do with what was happening in that room. That was just straight up free will. With that first kiss I knew the Right Reverend was working with something. Yep, yep, but I knew that it didn't matter what he was working with I had to slow this shit down. My panties were straight up wet, but HIV was dancing right along in all my juices flowing inside my drawers.

Now don't be confused, there was as much stimulation intellectually as there were with his lips. A man that can carry a conversation with me is a straight up turn-on. That shit is sexy as all get out.

Now let's be clear, NO he never touched between my legs. I decided when I was in my teens, that a man couldn't put his hand between my legs if I wasn't for sure prepared to give him my innermost self.

So I knew I had to shut this down. I just knew I had to, before I regretted this for the rest of my life. I pulled myself away from the Right Revered and sat in the chair at the desk. I said, "We gotta talk. Before we go any further, I need to tell you something." I could feel the butterflies jumping in my tummy. I was scared out of my wits. Scared of rejection.

All I could think about was the other Right Reverend that I was dating when I first discovered that I was HIV infected . He left my house within 10 minutes of disclosure and never looked back. That shit hurt more than my mama's worst beating. I mean, if he didn't want to be with me, maybe he could have shown me some Christian compassion. Ummm I'll table him until next week :)

Anyhoo, I had already been rejected by a minister and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. I had been accustomed to getting the men that I wanted, but now I had this new thing standing in the way. I didn't think, any hairdo, any amount education, any amount of intellect or any outfit could help make me appealing in the face of HIV.

This was the one thing I couldn't out maneuver could not get rid of or change this fact; This thing, HIV that had the worst kind of stigma and lack of understanding. Even the medical community was still trying to understand it. HIV was one scary ass motha back in the 80's. For Real. Mothers and fathers were letting their children die alone and nurses and doctors were refusing to touch people with AIDS. It was an ugly sight to see and even uglier to have to deal with head on.

So I pulled myself away from the intimacy and did what I had to do. I've never been one for small talk or bullshit, so I just told him straight up. "I have HIV." Then I exhaled. Whatever came after that, it would have to be OK. I had to understand that he wasn't rejecting me per say, but rejecting HIV in his life.

Just like a person has the right to date or not to date someone without a dime, or bad credit or another chronic illness, so does a person have that right to decide if they want to deal with HIV up close and personal. I instinctively understood that early on, but it still didn't take the sting out of the possibilities of rejection.

But the Right Reverend proved to be the man of God I thought he was. He looked me straight in the face and said, "OK." We talked and cuddled all night and in the morning there were promises to pursue this long distance relationship.

When I left that conference and headed back to DC I thought I had struck gold. For Real. The Right Reverend was all of that and then some. We spent hours on the phone each night. He sent flowers and cards, and wonderful letters. Good Lawd, and it didn't bother him one bit that I had HIV. I was officially in my first relationship after being diagnosed with HIV.

Finally, within a month he came to DC for that first visit. OMG did we have fun and yep, we both had condoms on hand, ummmm in every room in my house. Yep, we were well on our way.

Then it was my turn to visit him and he showed me off in every corner of his small town. If he was hiding something you couldn't tell by the way he was sporting me around town. Then I noticed that he didn't really answer the telephone and he started getting calls late at night.

I asked him on that 2nd night, Baby, why don't you answer the phone. His answer was smooth, "Because this is your time" I talk and see those people here everyday." And it worked. OMG, did it work, cause we turned right back to the loving. But it kept nagging at me, especially the call that came at 6 am.

Yep it kept nagging away at me. So on that 3rd morning, while he was in the shower, I answered the phone and it was a woman asking for the Right Reverend. You know my smart ass, couldn't wait to let her know, whatever you think you got, I'm in town so step the fuck back. I did it smoothly, Sweetie, he's in the shower right now, I would be glad to take a message.

To Be continued tomorrow....

Day 35! Count Down To 50! New Attitude!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 00:40:00 +0000

Today is Day 35 and I'm Counting Down To 50! It was just one of those days. I did no real work. Not anything I was supposed to do. I did my morning devotional and after that I got connected to my IV medication. I spent two hours on twitter tweeting pictures of my RLT Collection customers wearing my bracelets. LOL... Don't judge me.

Anyhoo, I went to my jewelers and played in the fine stuff and then came home. I love jewelry and it don't cost a darn thing to try it on.

Yes, the IV medication has started to kick my ass; diarrhea and nausea are number one. Yet, I'm hanging. God has got my spirit and so far, so good. This is what I'm saying, I am not gonna allow this it get the best of me this time around.

Well, I'm sure I will have some bad days, but I'm gonna try like hell to keep the best of me. I was so looking forward to this birthday count down and then this, my health decided to act a fool. But guess what? Nothing else has changed, As sure as I'm alive, I'm counting down and on May 22 I will be 50 years old. This means that I would have lived 29 years with HIV and 20 years with AIDS. This means I've lived over half my life with a disease that should have taken me out of here a good 16-17 years ago.

And while I would like something different for myself during this count down, this is all I got. It is what it is. With this in mind, I'm changing how I think about it all. With God guiding me each day, I mean really guiding me, I got this.

Yes, it is true, the longer that I am on this medication the sicker I am and the less I'll be able to do. Right now the infection is so bad, I just don't see myself getting off quicker than 20 days or more. Even with this understanding, what I know for sure: God has got this and I'm staying as close to God as I can and with that single act of closeness to God, I got a new attitude!

Post Script: I want to share my devotional scripture for today;

Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kind of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor, I Peter 1:6-7

Today's Video! Day 35! Count Down To 50! New Attitude!

Day 36! Count Down To 50! Pressing My Way!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:17:00 +0000

Today is Day 36 as I Count Down to 50! I started my IV meds and I've already start to feel the side-effects... Basically I feel like shit, but I'm pressing my way...

Here's Today's Video!

Day 37! Count Down To 50! Bloody But Unbowed!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 17:13:00 +0000

Day 47! Count Down To 50! Bloody But Unbowed.... I'm not feeling well enough for a written blog, but I wanted to do something.

Today's Video!

Post Script! Don't Forget RLT Collection is having a great sale and there are ton's of new bracelets on the site too.

For The Love of Black Collection!

Monday Reflection: Back To The Basics!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 15:48:00 +0000

On Saturday I was searching for something to make me feel better, something to take me away from it all. If I had some extra money I probably would have gone shopping in spite of the fact that my body is to broken too be out and about shopping; I know I don't need a darn thing and in the end, I know it's gonna make me feel worse feeding my old behavior. Yep, just cause you know better, don't always mean you to better.

Ummmm, can I be honest? My spirit was broken and I wanted a quick fix. I crawled myself out of bed and walked to the bead shop. I thought there should be at least one thing that I can buy that will make me smile. Ha, there was nothing new since two days ago, so with no purchase and a sad face, I walked to the yogurt shop.

I tasted 3 flavors that I already knew, searching for that perfect thing. I finally decided on a peach swirl and yes I got a ton of toppings, thinking the joy must be in the toppings.

With yogurt in tote I made it half way down the block before I turned back to get a lid and a bag. It had become clear after a few spoonfuls; whatever I was looking for was not to be found in my yogurt cup.

I made my way to Walgreens to get the dish washing liquid that was badly needed to rescue my sink from dirty dishes. While in Walgreens, I walked up and down the candy aisle. I picked up, put back and picked up candy that I knew I didn't need over and over again.

With full hands and arms I made my way to the aisle with the chips. I was so intent on finding that right thing to ease whatever this feeling I had, I almost forgot the original purpose, dish washing liquid.

By the time I made it to the, "Do it yourself check-out counter," that I hate, my tummy started to talk to me and I could feel that poop was getting ready to come. My Irritable Bowel Syndrome was acting up, but no wonder, stress is a major cause for some. I became nervous and anxious trying to check out that I got confused. "Lawd, please don't let this happen," was all I could think. I had on wide legs pants with no panties; Yep because they hurt too much to wear these days, so all I could think about was poop coming down the legs of my pants onto that floor.

I started to talk to myself and to the check-out counter, yes I said the counter, about why it was not cooperating with me. Yep, I was in real panic mode. Thank God the young clerk came over to rescue me. "What's the problem," I asked, "I'm trying to enter my rewards number." The young man said, "We don't have," and before he could finish, I said, "Damn it! I'm Crazy, this is Walgreens not CVS!" By that time I could feel the poop starting to seep. I was desperate!

"Baby I'm about to use the bathroom on myself," I said to the clerk, "Do you have a public washroom?" He gave me directions and just I sat on the toilet, it came. A deep exhale, "Thank God," I mumbled.

I was really disoriented, couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. I walked home and crawled straight into my bed.

A nap was all I needed for clarity! Yep, when I woke my right mind was kicking in. I looked at all those things I purchased and shook my head at $17.00 worth of junk, with money I really didn't have to spend.

A deep sigh, in my head. I bought all that junk to give me a feel good away from my health madness and I didn't even get a chance to see if it would work because another health issue took center stage. *SMDH*

Ha, wasn't that a lesson?!? When I layed down that Saturday night I decided that I needed to spend some time getting ME back together; finding myself because I was clearly lost. I needed to get me back before I start this journey today; Picc line placed this afternoon and I start IV meds tomorrow.

When I woke on Sunday I turned to my music and looking though the list I decided to play a hymn that I had download but never played. I had been tweeting with Jennifer Holliday, so she was in my spirit. I clicked, her version of It is Well With My Soul and good LAWD, it gave me life!

It reminded me of the Apostle Paul who declared, no matter what season, I've learned to be content. Rich or poor, hungry or fed. Paul, who had a health issue that God refused to heal. Paul, who did some of his most profound writings while in prison.

He was content with a thorn in his flesh, he was content in prison, it didn't matter what season he faced, he understood God's love for him was greater than anything he faced and he never stopped the work that God had place before him Phil 4:2-10.

I played Jennifer over and over and over again. Shoot, Ima be honest, I played it for at least 8 hours yesterday. And each time I heard her voice, and Lawd that testimony she gives in this song, it all renewed my spirit and gave me the answers that I so needed. I started hitting the devil 3 times in my head, just like Jennifer, one for the Father, One for the Son and one for the Holy Spirit.

I took the day away from Social Media, no tweeting, just the tweet that said, "It is well with my soul." But by then, I had played that song at least 10 times.

While I allowed Jennifer and this song minister to me, I did some work. I have life coach clients, so I had to prepare myself for their phone sessions and I had other pressing things I needed to do before the hospital today.

After I finished with my clients last night. I turned right back to Jennifer and then added some of my other favorites to the playlist and as the music ministered to me, it became clearer and clearer.

Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget the basics. We look in so many places for those things to help ease our pain, to make us forget. Yep, shopping, food, drugs, drinking, sex all those things that in the end make you even emptier then when you first began. Turning to those things, you now have to face the shame and guilt in the over indulging, and be clear, that just adds insult to injury and takes you further than where you wanted to be.

As I got ready for bed Sunday night, it occurred to me that I've been so busy being sick and trying to keep it altogether that I have neglected a vital part of my survivor.

My fellowship with God. So I'm getting back to the basics! The best time in one's life is time spent with God! There is no greater love or relationship you can have.

Now don't miss what I'm saying. Yes, I love the Lord, my faith is solid and I have an awesome ministry as unorthodox as it is. I also know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of God.

But I had to think about it. When was the last time that I sat still in the presence of God? When was the last time I read a meditation or even opened my Bible to read the word of God to keep me grounded?

Yes, I open the Bible to minister to others, but not so much lately for myself. Yes, I know that God renders an Aha moment each time I read His Word. Yep, Yep, there is new revelation every time I open the good book. So what the heck have I been doing? *blank stare* Or should I say, why haven't I been doing what I know for works for sure?!?

I've been so busy trying to prove to AIDS that it can't take all of me, I've neglected the most important part of me. I've been so busy trying to bless the people of God that I've missed my blessing. Just like you come to my blog for renewal and insight, I go to God. I hope you do to. I hope that my blog is a blessing to you, but I hope that your relationship with God is also a blessing to you and that I am second on your list.

Yes, I know where my help comes from but somehow I've lost sight. Yes, God has been watching over me, but I have not sat down with God in a while. I've been passing God up, busy fighting AIDS and doing the work of God. This morning's mediation made it ever clearer, Paul says in Philippians 4:4

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ

How Powerful is that? Now don't be confused. Paul does not say that your petition will be granted, but he does say, you will have peace in your situation.

So I'm going back to the basics! Not one blog will be written in the morning, nor one tweet, until I've had some time with God; Time for fellowship and renewal.

La Masion! Best Chocolate On The Planet!

Allowing Jennifer Holliday to minster to me in song gave me more peace then the best chocolate on the planet could have.

You don't need a lot, sometimes it's a Bible verse, a simple song in a quite space, and you don't need any fancy words just tell God what's on your heart and open up the word of God and read a few verses and ask God to give you understanding.

Now, remember, I'm not saying that whatever you're facing will disappear. Sometimes it what it is. Some things cannot be altered. Sometimes, time, space and circumstance dictate what it is. But I am saying that time with God will give you both peace about your situation and strength to endure.

Like the song says:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Get back to the basics just like me! Put God on your to do list each day. You can't buy, sex, drink, drug or eat to get the peace that comes from God.

Miracle of Life... Counting Down To 50!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 15:27:00 +0000

The Very Public Me!

I'm counting down to 50 and I'm allowing you to see a side of me that I have never allowed. I have always wanted people to see me at my best; But God laid in my spirit to show you my day to day.

I'm doing this because I want you to really understand my journey. Really understand the miracle of my life. People are always talking about God "curing" me but even with AIDS, I'm a walking miracle, a living miracle.

I want you to see the miracle in my ability to keep pressing no matter what I face day to day. See God do what we all thought was the impossible; Live beyond the days of expectation.

In many ways these videos are allowing you to see God moving in my life daily.

We expect a miracle to be this big pie dropping out of the sky, but if we would just stop and take account, you will see the miracles God are performing, and has performed in our lives.

Yes, God has and is blessing me, but I'm doing everything I need to do to live. I take my medications no matter how they make me feel because they are a part of my miracle. Don't be confused, there are people with AIDS that have drug failure.

The miracle of my life is both me and God as actors. I do what I'm supposed to do. I use the free will that God has given me to be the best I can be, no matter what I'm facing. So the combination of my will and desire to live and God moving in my life and having purpose for my life is why I'm still here. But make no mistake this is not an easy journey.

Here are today's Videos! Day 39!! Never Surrender!

I didn't post the last two days of Video on the blog so here you go!
Also, I got the You Tube Bug and more will be coming... please Subscribe to my You Tube Channel! Click Here!

Day 40! Gettin To That Place of OK...

Day 41! Happy To Be Alive No Matter What!

Day 42! Count Down To 50! I Wasn't Built To Break!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 22:40:00 +0000

Today is Day 42 as I count down to 50! I was hoping that I wouldn't get sick during this period, but it is what it is... I have AIDS and AIDS has no compassion.... Thank God I wasn't Built to Break!

Here's Todays Video!

Herpes... Again... Overit.com!! Day 43! Count Down To 50!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 00:50:00 +0000

I was hoping and even praying that I would get through this 50 day count down to my 50th birthday without being sick; without herpes. But I guess that prayer didn't get answered because I'm only on day 43 and I have 3 herpes lesions right there on my clit. Yep, Yep and it hurts like hell, if this is what hell feels like.

I keep telling you that AIDS has no compassion. It don't give a fuck about your life and yet some of you are still out there having unprotected sex like all you have to do is pop a pill if you become infected. For you new comers to my blog, I have an on-going issue with herpes you can read Finally Letting Go of The Shame HERE.

In a nutshell, I have drug resistant herpes. I was infected with herpes before HIV and in those early years I almost never had a herpes outbreak. But for some reason, in the last 4 years herpes has wreaked havoc on my life. The short of it, the doctors think that there is a part of my immune system that was so damaged from my early days of AIDS that now I just can't fight herpes off. They consider this an AIDS related infection because if I didn't have AIDS, I wouldn't have such aggressive herpes. While AIDS and herpes are two separate illnesses, one has made the other one worst. And by the way, if you have herpes, it's easier to become infected with HIV.

For me, NOTHING but an IV form of anti-viral medication has worked against my herpes. I've tried everything under the sun and the moon . Trying to come up with an answer, I've had more biopsies and cultures on my vulva that I care to remember. In the end, nothing works but Foscarnet and Cidofovir IV medications. I just finished 49 days of the medication back in February, 2 times a day 2 hours each and the side-effects are not cute.

One Week Of IV Med's!

I knew I was headed in that direction, but praying that it wasn't so. About 3 weeks ago I started to have nerve pain again in my back and legs and had to start taking medication to help the pain, yet again.

In a nutshell, I have peripheral neuropathy that comes and goes. We also think it is caused by herpes attacking my nervous system. There's no real way to nail all the causes down, but we understand the core problem. It feels like someone is sticking pins and needles in my back, feet and legs.

Any who, here I am again. The doctor is trying to figure out what course of action for me to take this time around. She is trying to get me in a drug study that is an oral form of one of the IV medications. Lord knows I don't want to go back on IV medication so if they let me in the study I'll do it. This is big for me because I have never been in a drug study in all the years of my infection, but when you are at the end of the road like I am, you don't have a lot of choices. I don't want to seem ungrateful, cause I truly am grateful that there is something else to try, but I'm not excited about this one bit.

I will keep you updated but I am not happy. I'm trying not to allow this to affect my overall attitude as I continue to count down to 50. I feel kinda all messed up. I'm happy to be alive but I wish it was under different circumstance.

Like why couldn't my health stay good just until my birthday was over. WHY? But in the real world there are sometimes no answers to the why.

I keep trying to get it through to you, that there are choices you make that will alter your life forever and the best you can do it try to keep it all together, as you fight for your life. I'm going to do whatever I must to keep me happy doing this period. But honestly, this new outbreak and the possibility of a drug study has knocked the freaking joy out of me. Pray for my health and my spirit.... Maybe prayer and a few days to digest it all I will regain my spunk. I hate AIDS.... For Real! For Real!

I hope that you get it! Some things cannot be undone! If not for the Love and Grace of God and my will to live, I think I would lose my freaking mind with this never ending disease that zaps everything from you that it can; And now it's working on my birthday joy and the miracle of my life. Overit.com

RLT Collection Update!

noreply@blogger.com (Rae) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 16:44:00 +0000

I'm very proud of RLT Collection. In the last three years I've worked hard to build my bracelet line. My designs have gotten better and better and I'm proud! No, I haven't gotten that BIG break, the Basketball Wives aren't wearing my collection, but I thank God for every single customer that I have.

Your purchases help to keep food on the table in these days where speaking engagements are far and few in between and that allows me to continue to do the work that I do using Social Media. The lives that are being touched through my blog and tweeting shows that God can use anything. Equally important, I'm just honored that you would sport my bracelets. Thank you!

Freshwater Pearls and Turquoise

I give RLT Collection all that I have; Energy, Love, Creativity and the absolute BEST Gemstones that I can find. I try to keep as close to my motto as possible, A Bracelet For Every Woman; Every price range and every personality.

There's a lot going on with RLT Collection and I wanted to keep you up to date. I'm in the process of updating, For The Love of Black Collection and the Unisex Collection. I'm taking pictures now and they should be on the website this week.

Mother's Day is around the corner and I have a ton of new bracelets. The Yellow Collection is simply fab! Click Here For Yellow Baby! And Don't Forget Orange Delight Here!

Now don't sleep on the SALE bracelets. The Entire Cruise and Fall Collections have been marked down 50-65% off. Also the Holiday Collection is on sale. Check out this 3 Stack Set Mother of Pearls Bracelets that Kim Coles is wearing, they are on sale too. Click Here For Holiday SALE and there are more Mother of Pearl Bracelets! Perfect For a Mother!

Check Out The Cruise Collection Here! My friend Shanna is wearing this Fab 14 mm Agate Bracelet with pave' fireball center!

Remember the wonderful Black Agates in the Fall Collection? Well, there are still some left and they are marked down up to 65% off. Remember the way my collections go, when they are sold out there are no more! Click Here For Fall Collection!

Lastly, but not least! The new Diva AIDS Awareness Bracelet! This Bracelet celebrates my life and work, $50 one dollar for each year of my life. When you wear this bracelet it's a bold statement and it challenges stigma around HIV/AIDS. It is made with 7-9 mm Freshwater Pearls and the Ribbon is Sterling Silver and red pave crystals. I am taking pre-orders to help cover the cost up front. Click Here For AIDS Awareness Bracelet.