racejunkie

Will Samuel Sanchez Take the Stage? Enter to Win! #giro

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sat, 18 May 2013 01:26:00 +0000

Yeah, he's just been resting! Anyway, answer this week's question, brownnose me about fabulous Euskaltel, and enter here to win a dashing cycling cap and other prizes!

Garmin Gets Its Groove Back!; and, Enter to Win the 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Due! #giro

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Thu, 16 May 2013 01:59:00 +0000

Tyler's Back, Baby!: yes, it was great to see Garmin regroup at the Giro and Ramunas Navardauskas take a smashing--and surely team-cheering--win today. And it was fabulous to finally see Tyler Farrar, after so long a rough patch, look so happy and at home at the finish line again. But even better to me was that, whatever the hell is going on with Ryder Hesjedal--and whether or not he even continues another day at this point--he has, by sticking it this long, really honored the maglia rosa he fought to hard to win in the first place. Auguri Ryder, bravo Navardauskas, sei fortissimo Tyler--and damn, nice save there by Vaughters!

I Toldja, Froomey: and, it's lookin' grimmer'n even yesterday for Chris Froome's Tour de France ambitions, as Brad Wiggins fights off a suckmaster of a chest cold that, if he wants, could also form a hell of an excuse to bail outta the Giro to fire up the ol' engines for July. Dang, can't *anyone* at Sky keep these guys under control for ten minutes--or at least 'til Froome bails for a bazillion dollars somewhere else this summer?

News From The Riccardo Ricco' Utter Lack of Self-Preservation Department: look, I get it. You want to win the Tour de France, or Giro, or Vuelta, or Roubaix. And you'll do almost anything for it. But you are seriously going to allegedly risk developing a giant *tumor* just to be a freakin' last-chance domestique at Lampre?! Please guys--no matter what you're gonna win, or even warm the seats in the team bus for, it's just not that important. Now quit taking all this dangerous crap and please, please stay healthy instead!

Predict the Giro and Win!: yes, it's still Week 2 of our Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest--predict the Giro here, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and enjoy the prizes!

Watch Out, Froomey: Brad's Coming to Take His Tour Back! #giro

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Wed, 15 May 2013 01:30:00 +0000

Back off, Beeyotch!: Well, Froome, if his constant strip-tease over whether he'll show you his team leadership at the Tour didn't convince you yet, this oughta do the trick: after a coupla lackluster days in the saddle, and even given his Colombian lieutenants' hasty diss that they're "not [you]" and don't plan to backstab Wiggo at the Giro, Sir Brad is tentatively possibly theoretically ready to support Rigoberto Uran Uran for the GC in the Giro. Uh oh, you know what *that* means--he no longer thinks he's fighting for number 1 in Italy, and whether or not he's suited to the course this year or not, he wants his chance at Paris *back*! No offense, Chris, but my money sez that if that guitar-twanging royal puts his foot down, you're gonna be tossed into the bushes like an empty drool-soaked water bottle. Well, I'm sure you won't mind giving Wiggo a hand (hell, a whole body) up the mountains in France--you sure were a good sport about it last year!

California Here I Come: meantime, over at the Amgen EPO Tour of California, stage-winning sprinter Peter Sagan playfully grabbed noted actor Robert Downey Jr.'s !@# at the podium presentation, upon which Downey immediately morphed into Iron Man and pounded Sagan 300 miles into the Earth's mantle with a single blow. Bonus--it took the focus off the extremely widespread and gnarly press coverage of poor Ivan Basso's nut-al region cyst. Anyway, Peter, be grateful that's all you got for yer shenanigans this time--and congrats on another great win!

It's Your Giro d'Italia Rest Day Roundup!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:55:00 +0000

Yep, Brad's still whinging about the time trial, Nibali's still being ultra-complimentary--or cagey--towards his rivals, and it's time for our first 2013 Giro d'Italia rest day roundup! The score:

1. Being able to win a whole freakin' Grand Tour because you're basically a time trial specialist is bull!@#$. What next, the !@#$in' sprinters are gonna be on the final podium for GC and the climbers are just gonna be fighting for crappy stage wins?

2. Weather. What the hell is this, Belgium? Throw in a !@#damn tornado and suck Wiggins to the top of the Stelvio whydontcha? It's the only way he's gonna make it up to the top if Rigoberto Uran bushwhacks his own team leader anyway...

3. Michele Scarponi being this high on GC just plain creeps me out. Like Valverde, with a glaring-er team kit!

4. Angel Vicioso is one Stuey O'Gradian hard-man. Finishing a stage with three broken ribs, a broken wrist, a cracked scapula, and one nasty all-body bruising? We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

5. Come on, Sky. Yes, every worthy GC contender needs faithful domestiques who stay faithful; hell, I'm still irked by Damiano Cunego hosing over Gilberto Simoni in like 1906. But you're just setting yourself up for more Froomeian scorn here. Let Henao & Uran off the leash sometime!

6. Alexandre Vinokourov--and by extension, of course, Vincenzo Nibali--is running one smart race. And, I'm disgusted to say, I still love 'im from the core of my dirty, dirty little soul. Way to go Vino, and forza, forza Lo Squalo!

7. Don't be an ass, Wiggins. You don't "descend like a girl." You descend like a Schleck.

8. So Ryder's human. !@#$ off!

9. So Samu' is human. !@#$ off!

10. Cav's got me convinced: even without a reliably functioning lead-out train, he is just the fastest SOB on the planet. Did I mention he won our week-one contest's Two-Week Rider Insult Moratorium?

Tomorrow: up. GC contenders, enjoy!

It's Yer 2013 Giro d'Italia Racejunkie Win Free Stuff Contest Part Due!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 12 May 2013 13:58:00 +0000

Why?: It's Il Grande Giro, baby! Like you'd rather watch the Tour?

What: Answer the week's question right, yer name goes along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't pimp yer info to spammers--that's it!

The Rules: Yeah, yeah, the site's got legal stuff. If I screw up (by my low standards), I fix it, you kindly don't whine about it, you brownnose me about Euskaltel or Italy in general and you get even bitchener karma!

The Prizes: A dashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap from Walz caps! A wunk o' racejunkie stickers to show yer pride or shame! And, your fave rider gets an insult-free two weeks--no matter what disgusting shenanigans enliven the press!

Where: Enter here, and best of luck to all!

Brad Wiggins' Greatest Hissy Fits; and, We Have a Winner!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 12 May 2013 12:31:00 +0000

Yes, yesterday was a momentous day in the time trial, with Nibali and Cadel doing great, Ryder faltering, and we love Samu doing even, well--go to hell, he's just saving his energy for a stage win dammit! But you know what happened, and you also know that today is gonna be a hilly and exciting day in the saddle. So in the meantime, in homage to Brad Wiggins, a celebration of his Greatest Ever Bike Race Hissy Fits:

1. 2009 World Road Championships: track god Brad hampered by a crap bike in the time trial. Aw, his first recorded bike toss--how cute!

2. 2012 Tour de France: Bradley lost the stage and boy, does he hate cameras! He sure can cuss though:

3. 2012 Tour de France: he ain't no stinkin' doper--c!@#s! I give the hell up trying to find the video link, so here's the text. Heck, Lance denied it--why should Brad's defense be any less true!

4. 2013 Giro del Trentino: the most precise bike throw ever:

5. Thanks for Your Concerns: look, even I'm willing to give Brad a bit of a pass on this, as he was, to be fair, pissed, freaked, and in pain. And, the guy *did* apologize. Still, though--way to show the love for your concerned, adoring, ginormous-paycheck-justifying fans, Wiggo!

6. And, a Remarkable Act of Discretion: me, if some perv grabbed my sweaty nether garments as some twisted souvenir, I'd freak. Brad, however, admires the enterprise: Swiping shorts, cool; mechanical problems, doping accusations--stand out of striking distance, we get it!

Finally, congrats to Karl, our Week 1 Win Free Stuff Contest Winner, for being the only one to tag Astana as the reigning maglia rosa at the end of week 1! Karl, check yer e-mail to claim yer prize, and thanks to all for playing!

Wiggo Loses Time! UCI Hates Dopers (Now)! And, It's the Amgen EPO Tour of California!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Fri, 10 May 2013 21:50:00 +0000

Purple (Well, Pink) Rain: holy moly it's been a oil-slick crashfest at the Giro d'Italia, with presumptive (presumptuous anyway) final maglia rosa Brad Wiggins already losing most of what he's likely to gain tomorrow in the after a scary if harmless slide-out and subsequently Schleck-slow descent in the mountains, desperate disaster-mitigation by Sky management, and Nibali, Cadel, Samu', and half Wiggo's own teammates accordingly ready to pounce after the inevitable obliteration they no longer need fear *quite* so much tomorrow. Also in the mix the last few days, creeping everybody out in his own country no less: returning Lord o' the Masking Agents Danilo "Strawberry Shortcake" DiLuca. Am the only one wondering why, say, the Spaniards aren't equally freaked out by Alejandro Valverde? Meanwhile, classics strongman Pippo "The Abs" Pozzato is keeping the peloton entertained while he awaits his own chance for a stage with lurid Italian Vanity Fair love-triangle gossip and some pretty Cipolliniesque photos there. OMG, even Ivan Basso didn't get this kinda media play posing shirtless for Gazzetta dello Sport back in 2006. Anyway, forza Nibali--but watch out for Cadel, that boy can really handle a bike! And didja see the new maglia rosa is former Euskaltel rider Benat Intxausti?

Watch Out Dopers--Uh, From Seven Years Ago: boy, UCI still really *is* lookin' to deflect ongoing worldwide scorn from Pat "Dick" McQuaid's fawning Armstrong-coddling fiasco: yes, it's decided to go to war to preserve the notorious Op Puerto blood bags of damn near everyone already riding back before half today's peloton was even outta diapers. *That'll* show the current crop of clowns getting away with the AICAR and !@#$ the dumb or broke ones are just getting busted for this season--um, that they might get their !@#es handed to 'em in a sling well after they retire! Oh, UCI, just pack up shop already...

Schleck Lovers Unite!: last but not least, he-lloooooo Amgen EPO Tour o' California, which heads out May 12 with this handy guide to which rider specializes in what. Actually, I think it's a great idea to introduce new spectators to the truly powerhouse field they've got this year (screwing the Giro, *again*)--but can these misguided freaks explain to me why Jens Voigt is listed under "Time Trialists" instead of "Gods"?

Remembering Wouter Weylandt, 1984-2011

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Thu, 09 May 2013 22:17:00 +0000

Fun 'n' Backstabbing With Team Sky; Boonen Plans His Comeback; and, Honk (Well, Sign) If You Love Blood Bags!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Thu, 09 May 2013 01:49:00 +0000

Kolb Comfort: well,that was a heck of a sprint today at a soaking-wet Giro, as a huge crash on wet paint stripes decimated the field in the final gallop and an absolutely gutted John Degenkolb took it home. Miraculously, the GC contenders all made it in without hardly a dent, particularly good for dear Samu' since our Euskaltel hero's already lost crashed-whammed Pablo Urtasun. Here, the carnage: And, just how tired our poor winner was: . Sure, you can say it was grit, determination, and luck--me, I say it was the porn-stache!

Kalifornication: no, he won't be at the Tour of Cali to make his competitors quake in their bike shoes nor to dazzle the fans, but Tom "Suck Season" Boonen will finally be back at the relatively wee Tour de Picardie. Cav, through the lousiest of circumstances, it looks like you've bought yourself a grade-A lead-out for July--just let him off the least once in a while, willya!

Endless Love: and, the love-in just continues over at Team Sky, with Richie Porte signing on for another 2 years with his own Grand Tour ambitions just as Wiggo thought he was gonna finally be rid of the intra-team competition as soon as Froomey bails for unquestioned supremacy elsewhere, and Brad's Colombian domestiques denying reports that they went all Froome on Wiggo as soon as he started dropping his helpless butt off the back of the pack yesterday. Don't worry, Brad--once you wipe those boys out in the time trial, all they can hope to do is bushwhack you for a coupla stage wins anyway!

The Hell With "Autographs": yes, sign here to save the Operacion Puerto blood-bags before the Spanish courts have 'em destroyed! The tally: a truly impressive 20 for Francisco Mancebo; a neat 10 apiece for Jan Ullrich and attempted-but-never-ever-successful-doper Ivan Basso, and, well, I'm guessing *something* for pretty much the entirety of Liberty Seguros. Emerging tranquillo: ol' Contador play-date LL Cool Sanchez, apparently suspended from RaboBlanc of all moralizing bull!@#$ers over a single stoked-up (alleged!) bag-in-storage but now cleared to race the Tour of Belgium thanks to a little threat o' arbitration. Oh for !@#$'s sake, the clowns *you* coddled for years *after* Puerto decimated the peloton, and you're ticked at some then-powerless jailbait nobody back in the day? Allez Luis Leon--hell, you're not half so bad as some of the remaining weasels-on-wheels left today!

So who'll have the maglia rosa at the end of Saturday's stage? Enter here to prove your dexterhood and win!

Brad Wiggins Gets Smacked; Ryder Hesjedal Takes No Crap; and, Euskaltel Is Totally Innocent, Natch

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Tue, 07 May 2013 01:14:00 +0000

Blazing Saddles: yeah, baby, the Italians are *smokin'* out there at the Giro d'Italia, as Luca Paolini makes it 2 outta 3 pink jerseys for the home team (nation, whatever), Michele Scarponi was--well, he was hosed, but anyway, they're still kickin' !@#--really, can, say, the French claim as much about their own Tour for the last quarter century? Meantime, all the squads that lost time today to Ryder Hesjedal are on a complete high-school-bathroom bitch-fest that they completely screwed themsel--er, that Ryder really blew it like a neo-pro chump-wad wasting so much energy on a stage that didn't even really get him anywhere and will surely jack his GC ambitions overally. Maybe, but Ryder sure begs to differ! Other winners on the day--Cadel, suddenly looking far more promising that we've had any reason whatsoever to suspect; the always-attentive Vincenzo Nibali; and we love Euskaltel's Samuel Sanchez, thrown yesterday not by cluelessness but an ill-timed puncture by Remaining Exhausted Time Trial Carcass No. 5 and clearly unfazed this morning. Aupa Samu', and stuff it, Orange haters! Tomorrow: a long one, and our first hilltop finish of the race! And here, the final run to today's line: Oh, Ryder, I sure do *hope* you didn't blow your legs out...

Sky Lays Down The Law: meantime, in an effort to instill harmony and avert my proposed duel between Brad Wiggins and Chris Froome (which offer I still stand behind--I'm ready to set you a date, boys!), and to avoid a truly terrifying sissy-boy harangue from Froome, Team Sky stated definitively today that it's backing Froomey for leadership at the Tour de France, which means Brad will simply refuse to ride in support of that backstabbing little bast--uh, will suddenly develop an utterly incapacitating intestinal complaint on the evening of June 28 which will tragically prevent him from starting the Grand Boucle. Get well soon, Brad--I assume you'll be feeling aaaaaaaaaall better as soon as you leave Chris with just a little less support in scenic France! In other news, Froome today set a world's record for "fastest-ever maiden scouting-climb of Mont Ventoux," which achievement he reportedly celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne, mooning Wiggo's blameless soigneur, and defacing the iconic mountainside with a Brad-themed spray-painted obscenity. Glad to see you two getting along now that all the confusion's been sorted out, kids!

Predict the Giro!: and again, nail the question, survive the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, and win stuff here!

The Giro's GC Challenges Take Shape!; and, Enter to Win Free Stuff Part Uno!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 05 May 2013 16:31:00 +0000

Well, after a really incredible opening-day sprint from strongman Cavendish yesterday (and using other folks' lead-outs to excellent advantage), today's weirdly twisty team time trial laid out the issues for the GC contenders, as Brad Wiggins' Sky obliterated Ryder Hesjedal's surprisingly-far-behind Garmin, Nibali surely breathed a sigh of relief as Astana lost merely 14 seconds, and, of course, we love Samuel Sanchez' Euskaltel, already suffering with an exceedingly pavement-whacked Pablo Urtasun and doomed to bite this one in any case, unwittingly lost its fifth guy out the back like a toddler in a toy store and came in a bewildered, oh, I don't know, 3 years off the pace. Dammit! Class moment o' the day: Sky letting Italian Salvatore Puccio, in only his second year as a pro and in only his first Giro d'Italia, take the maglia rosa. Complimenti Salvatore e bravo Italia! Tomorrow: a lumpy little beastie that oughta give a breakaway artist with a good kick a chance to take the day. Now Sky, do that jailbait in pink you got there proud!

Wiggins Wins Again; and, while we're talkin' Wiggo--specifically, his sweetly trusting delusion that Froome won't slash his tires and put Krazy Glue between his gears in July if he doesn't keep flappin' his mouth about the Tour--I must briefly note with sincere admiration for his awesomeness that, far outstripping his knighthood, Brad has now earned the sought-after "Hypocrite of the Year Award" from a fine Aussie journalist. Hey, beats calling him a "!@#$&@!," right?

Enter the Contest!: finally, Giro fans, it's time for our annual Grand Tour Contest o' Glory Part Uno, so enter here to win, and remember, anyone prostrating themselves flat on their faces before the Euskaltel gods until the boys take their first stage win of the race (shut up! will too!) gets extra good karma points!

It's the 2013 Racejunkie Giro d'Italia Win Free Stuff Contest!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sat, 04 May 2013 14:38:00 +0000

Why?: What, you'd rather freeze your !@# off on a mountainside for six hours waiting for the peloton to flash by in six seconds while eating French food instead? Thought so! Plus, really, there's never been a charminger, more genuinely Giro-lovin' non-Italian defending winner than Hesjedal. Way to go dear neighbor Canada!

What: You answer the week's question right, I toss your name along with the other smartypants' into the Holy Once-Eroski Cap o' Destiny, I pick a name without peeking (I promise!), and you win! I e-mail you to find out where to send the prize, I don't hock yer info to spam-wanks like a goon--that's it!

The Rules: Yap, yap, see the site for the legalese--in essence, I can change whatever I want whenever I want, which I really generally wouldn't do barring some stupid self-imposed disaster anyway, and you kindly cut me some slack if that happens. Bonus points for anyone who shows photographic proof they went to work (*outside* your "home office", wisenheimers) with face painted in full Euskaltel team colors!

The Prizes: A smashing custom-embroidered racejunkie cycling cap, one of only 3 of its kind on the planet! A passel o' racejunkie stickers to pimp your racejunkie pride (or shame)! Best of all, for the slightly defensive amongst you: an agonizingly long two-week rider insult moratorium on your favorite peloton studpup!

Where: Enter here ,fellow Giro freaks--and good luck to all!

Woo-hoo--It's Il Grande Giro, Baby!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sat, 04 May 2013 00:57:00 +0000

Yep, you know what May brings: it's the fabulous Giro d'Italia, baby! What you need to start:

Why?: It's *Italy* fer chrissakes, what more do you want? It's not an irritating circus like the Tour, the fans are more fanatical, the Dolomites'll make you cry like Thomas Voeckler just *watching* the race. Andiamo, honey!

The Course: yeah, yeah, Cav's here--but wait for the Tour de France, velocisti, this is a climber's race! Time bonuses reward consistency over blow-out body-gutting Contadorian stage attackfests for the GC contenders; mountains decide it all in the last week. Don't count *too* much on that bull!@#$ 800-kilometer time trial, Wiggo, but you're still gonna need it! Question: will Brad's season-long focus on mountains training cost him in his go-to discipline? Probably not, but I'm game to watch it happen!

The Contenders: Look, as at the 2012 Tour, we all know why Wiggo's here, so frankly, I'm too pissed to even count 'im. And y'know, I am getting exceedingly pissed that no one seems to be giving defending maglia rosa/wholly bitchin' Canadian Ryder Hesjedal the respect he deserves. "Weak 2012 field" my !@#! And if you don't fear him, dimwits, you oughta at least be a little nervous about that all-star group of Armstrong-era ex-dopers (since 2006! they swear it!) he's got for domestiques. Ex-Tour King of the Mountains (that's right, beeyotches!) we love Euskaltel-Euskadi's Samuel Sanchez: in it for a stage win, ending with a podium (shut up! bite me! will too!). My (yes, obvious, stuff it!) pick, tho' I'll still be beyond delighted if ever-generous Ryder takes it again: Sicilian shark/monster climber-descender Vincenzo Nibali to win. Let's face facts: he !@#$s it up, Vinokourov breaks his weakling peon scumbag kneecaps. Like *that's* gonna be out-motivated by a friendly post-triumph noogie from Vaughters?

Pre-Race Trouble: Cadel: there's gotta be *some* reason he ain't doing the Tour, but I wish him well all the same! Two-time champ/fading GC flower Ivan Basso: out with a humongous cyst to his taintal region, which, as some consolation, is clearly *not* doping-related, as it'd then be a "viral infection" or "stomach problems." Cav, deprived of a mid-season Petacchi lead-out. You've had plenty o' warning, Cavendish, no blaming yer teammates again if you lose this time!

Wish List: The great Stefano Garzelli to take a farewell stage win. A Colombian climber to make the GC boys screech in frustrated defeat. Danilo DiLuca not to creep us out *too* much with some goodbye-Giro Valverdian surge. Some truly unexpected gut-wrenching breakaway jailbait to grab a stage and not get busted the next day. And the tenacious Cadel to put in a good show, probably by taking a mountain win solo in snow, sleet, rain, hail, a tornado, a volcanic eruption, and a whirring plague o' grasshoppers. And me to be there next year!

Well, fellow tifosi, it's off to the races. In bocca al lupo, boys, and forza, forza Ryder and Nibali!

I Challenge Thee to a Duel!: A Practical Solution to the Wiggins-Froome Dispute

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 23:09:00 +0000

Look, here's what's clear: Wiggo can't man up and admit he's riding the Giro because he's more afraid of the Tour, so he won't cut the fantasyland bull!@#$ about a successful double, and Froome won't let Wiggins forget he'd be kissing Froome's !@# from the second spot on the podium if Froomey hadn't herded him up the Alps like a knocked-up goat, so he won't stand any challenge to his leadership at this year's Tour. Upshot: not only can they not work together, they're absolutely gonna sabotage each other, intentionally or not. Solution: cut the smack-talk, sissy-boys--we're havin' a duel! The rules:

Duration: Until (1) death or serious denting or (2) either one o' you runs crying home to momma. Anyone wanna guess how long this one's gonna last?

Coaching: well, we can't use Sky management--just look where it's gotten you guys so far! Wiggins--you get Pat "Dick" McQuaid. Froome--you get Travis Tygart. Just count yer blessings I didn't stick you guys with a Schleck or something!

Press Coverage: Nope, can't delay the fightin' that way. One overhead camera turned on at the start, no pre-duel press conferences or junkets. Nice try, Brad "I Hate Talking To The Media" Wiggins!

Location: Top of Alpe d'Huez. Caveat: you gotta get there under your own steam. See Froome, ol' Brad's half out of the running already!

Distance: With Wiggins' primordial pterodactyl wing-span, Froome is toast right off the bat if Brad is standing within 50 feet of 'im. 50 yards to start!

Weapons: Anything y'all can lift with that legendary cyclist upper-body strength, which I suppose, come to think of it, stops you both dead well before "seat post." Style points for "most original use of a spoke wrench"!

Attire: Regulation Sky team kit. Any attempt by Brad to wear his last year's yellow jersey to mock Chris, or by Chris to rip it off his torso and wear its tattered shreds himself to taunt Brad, will be punishable by one free hit.

Nourishment: Both parties must grab their musettes on the fly, during the match, from your soigneur, and either eat safely, or fall over trying. Just like a bike race!

Teammates: None. Neither of you guys needs anybody else, right?

Nature Breaks: What are you, animals? I can't even take it when the cameras catch that stuff during the Tour! You cyclists are always bragging how much you suffer on the bike--now prove it!

Testing: Any and all blood spilled will be collected, frozen, and tested ten years hence in accordance with then-current testing protocols. This way, we can see what !@#$ you guys are obviously both o--uh, how hematocrit naturally changes over the careers of top-level athletes. Anyone need a couple days to clean u--um, prepare yourselves mentally before we begin?

Reward: What, you want *another* knighthood, Sir Brad? This one's for the fans. Ya fought, ya won or ya lost--now ya quit yer whinin', and shut yer damn yaps about this stupid dispute from now on!

Well, dear reader(s), them's *my* fix. See you at high noon tomorrow, and may the best man *really* win!

Martin and Ryder Bust it Out for Garmin; Riccardo Ricco' Thinks You Suck; and, a Week o' (non) Wisdom-by-Tweet

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 18:37:00 +0000

Tactical Skill-o'-the-Irish: well, that was one slammin' surprise at Liege-Bastogne-Liege, not that seeing Gilbert-pleasingly-strong-but-not-quite-havin'-it was a shocker after his showing so far at Liege (and yes, I was rooting for him), with Argyle Army general Ryder Hesjedal looking great ahead of his upcoming Giro defense, Joaquim Rodriguez with a brave and nearly-successful flyer towards the end, a giant panda--uh, Valverde snagging yet another podium before he heads off to whack the field at Romandie, but ultimately Ryder's Garmin teammate Dan Martin taking his first--and Ireland's second, woo-hoo!--Liege. Whether you love or hate Jonathan Vaughters' letting ex-Lance-teammate/dopers Tommy Dave and Christian ride off peacefully into the post-scandal sunset, you sure gotta give it to 'im (and not least Dan Martin himself) for tactics--brilliant! On a bonus note, perhaps buoyed by shepherd Fabian Cancellara's likely-imminent departure, Andy Schleck rode tolerably ok. And don't worry Philippe, we have faith, you'll break the curse--surely it was *some* extra motivation seeing your name written every six inches in giant letters every bit o' the race on the tarmac! Here, Dan Martin's great win:

The Cobra Lashes Out: all right, young Italian riders, you've been slapped: disgraced inept-doper former-champion-now-mild-mosquitoesque-annoyanceRiccardo Ricco, praising wilier-fellow-miscreant Michele Scarponi for his form at Liege, sez in his twit-feed that compared to the older generation of current Italian cyclists, you all just suck. Yeah, too bad *you* weren't there to animate the race and immediately throw Italy in disrepute by testing poz for the CERA oozing out yer sweatglands, you weasel! I look forward to further whining when Vincenzo Nibali whomps the Giro--hey, aren't you supposed to be too busy with your new gig at "Cheers" or something (and a noble profession it is, which is more than you deserve) to be bothering the, y'know, working cyclists?

Talkin' Turkey: meantime, he may not have had the Classics season he wanted, but tattooed dream-stud Pippo Pozzato is set to give his all in the Tour of Turkey, so let's take a moment to wish him good legs and good luck, particularly since, I've noticed, he's always the first to tweet warm congrats to his compatriots for their own triumphs. Worse comes to worst, he can always rest up apres-tour reclining by the sea and posting swoonalicious photos of himself like usual, right?

A Humble Programming Note: well, both my dear readers, I won't have access to bloggery this week, but if anything ludicrous happens I may not be able to resist weighing in with a twit or two, so while I miss all the action, kick back with a cold one, scream your heads off for dear Euskaltel, and enjoy the races!

The Single Wussiest Bike Throw Ever; "I Big" Face Off at Trentino; and, It's Liege-Waffle-Liege, Baby!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 16:43:00 +0000

First Prize for Wiggo!: yes, in an early lock on the 2013 Sissy-Boy Tantrum o' the Year Racejunkie Award, Giro hopeful Brad Wiggins manages simultaneously the luckiest and total-weeniest frustrated-rider bike toss *ever*, landing this gem--and apparently the outraged intervention of the Pinarello gods--as he freaks out over an ill-timed mechanical at Trentino. Watch out, Giro d'Italia--he gets pissed at you there, he might land you a glancing blow with a ripped-off bike glove or something! Oh, the fury...

Vincenzooooooooooooo!: speaking of the fabulous Giro--and, to be fair for once, cutting Wiggo *some* slack for his recent delicate manly-regions problems (though for my money, the diuretic-downing Frank "Midol" Schleck's lady-cramp issues were clearly *way* worse)--"i Big" are looking in great form at testing grounds of the Giro del Trentino, not only including the obviously-blazing champ Vincenzo Nibali, but also, seemingly out of nowhere, a suddenly-surging Cadel. *Now* we've got ourselves a Giro, baby! Me, I'm still gonna root for (sorry my dear Italy and fabulous Aussies, I know I'm ungrateful scum) the smashing Canadian Ryder Hesjedal to take the two-fer, but we'll see how *he's* going this weekend at Liege. And thinkin' about the major GC guys of our time, is anyone else noticing that Contador--obliged as he clearly was by the sponsors to do the Ardennes--just ain't looking so hot this season? Here's your chance, Andy Schl--damn, I just broke my voluntary self-imposed rider insult moratorium on the poor kid, I'm *so* ashamed!

Where the !@#$ Is the Video Coverage for Women's Cycling for !@#$'s !@#$ing Sake?: meantime, am I the only one completely rabid over the fact that I can get 8,000 video hits of Peter Sagan apologizing for his disgusting grab-!@# 30 seconds after the camera shuts off, but it takes a whole *day* for a single piece of footage of the great Marianne Vos bagging her record-setting 5th Fleche-Wallone to show up in the craposphere, particularly as one clearly can't post about this week's cycling 'til it's available? Well, finally, at least *some* lame coverage from UCI: Now how about filming the actual !@#damn *race*, whydontcha?

Lieeeeeeeege!: and, all hail the magnificent Liege-Bastogne-Liege this weekend, as Philippe Gilbert gets one last chance to finish off his bummin' Classics season with *some* glory, and the ever-disconcertingly-powerful Valverde, Nibali, and of course Dani Moreno's faithful Fleche superdomestique Purito Rodriguez, who *still* pulled off a bangin' result in his own right despite that sob of a bruise on his leg, bring on the whup-!@#. Oh, let's give this one to Gilbert--he needs to break the curse of the rainbow jersey on *something* good!

And the Ardennes Are Off! Plus, Brad Wiggins Loves the Giro! He Swears It!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 15:52:00 +0000

Czech-mate!: well, with all the hype over nowhere-to-be-seen Sagan and everywhere-to-be-seen world champ Gilbert (who would've been lovely for the win, but still), a fine run by Gerrans, a total !@#$ (and Tour-prep-hosing) crash for we love Purito Rodriguez nursing his left knee after he whacked into some dimwit who glued his wheel into deep mud at the side of the road, Valverde creeping everyone out as usual by grabbing the sprint for second, *and* a smashing long breakaway by Euskaltel's Mikel Astarloza of all people, it's SaxoBank's totally underrated Roman Kreuziger who grabs the win at Amstel Gold! Body count: besides poor Purito, a really nasty crash for Thomas "the Grimace" Voeckler, first rumored to have a broken femur, then a busted shoulder, then finally (for now) just a snapped collarbone. Get well soon, Thomas--it's so much more preferable watching you contort your face into a scream just, say, signing in to the race start! Here, proud teammate Alberto Contador with the insta-tweet: Congrats Roman!

If The Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Amore: meantime, not-defending Tour de France champ Brad Wiggins swears to Italy how much he really, really loves the Giro and really, really doesn't care about the Tour, particularly asserting he really, really has no interest in being one of those selfish losers who aspires to win the Tour de France two or even three times, and, to boot, he wouldn't even mind taking the Vuelta a Espana some day. Um, Brad, if you're riding the *Giro* this year because you're afraid the Tour's parcours don't suit you (and why you think the Giro *is* better for you is beyond me), have you taken a look at the *Vuelta's* all-vertical roads-o'-death the last couple of years? Of course, Froomey could always lug you uphill again, but damn, even he'd need some sled dogs or a scooter or a tractor to drag your !@# uphill all over Spain for the win. Now bow, *bow* to the noble Giro gods 'til they're convinced you're sincere enough to ride it, you ungrateful Tour-winning peon!

Aupa, Euskalteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel!: finally, despite the best efforts of that complete tool Pat "Dick" McQuaid, our dear if wholly discombomulated Euskaltel-Euskadi is back at last, ripping through the Vuelta a Castilla e Leon and, with Mikel's bitchin' break in Amstel today, finally building enough confidence to carry we love Samuel Sanchez to the Giro. Eat his dust in May, boys--remember, he's already been King of the Mountains at the Tour!

It's Yer Paris-Roubaix Awards!; And, It's All Pat "Dick" McQuaid's Fault!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 19:53:00 +0000

1. Massive "You Suck" o' the Race: WHY THE !@#$ IS THE ENTIRE REST OF THE EARTH SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF OVER FABIAN'S WIN AND IMMEDIATE COLLAPSE AT THE LINE WHEN THERE'S STILL 10K TO GO OF "LIVE COVERAGE" ON NBCSPORTS? *Must* we be so grateful for coverage of *any* cycling race in this crotch-scratching tobacco-lougie-spitting big-lunks-crushing-each-other country that we simply have to accept this mess? Aiiiigghhhhhhhhh!

2. Return of the King Award: Speaking of NBCSports' coverage, yes, I know perfectly well what Phil Liggett's done this past year, thank you--he damn near broke my faithful heart doing it. But hearing him and Paul together again is a symphony among banjos. He was an innocent lamb, I tells ya, an innocent lamb--bug off haters!

3. Fan Dipwad Prize: of course, one of the crazy-!@# things that's so great about cycling is that--unlike, say, in soccer, where one might get dragged off the field and stomped to death by 70,000 rabid hometown fans for pulling a similar trick--you can literally get close enough to reach out and touch the riders. But there is a difference between a bit of over-enthusiastic leaning over the roadside, and knocking a surging rider off his bike and out of the *biggest win* of his career. Poor Vandenbergh's tumble was bad enough--if not for having to make a spectacular cyclocrosser save over a camera-wielding nimrod, and even considering Sep Vanmarcke's phenomenal strength, Zdenek Stybar *really* could have won the whole race today. *Back* *up* you thoughtless freaks!

4. Rainbows-'n'-Unicorns Happy Place o' the Race: look in the break, and who do you see? Yep, it's we love Stuey O'Grady! Sure, he bonked eventually, but is that really any worse than how he usually ends a race, run over by a team bus, engulfed by some huge inflatable promotional item, stuck in someone else's derailleur, stampeded by a herd of 'roid-raging elephants? I know it's likely your last season Stuey--but can't you still change your mind?

5. Crash o' the Race--no, it wasn't decisive. Yes, it suuurrre did blow. Yoann Offredo's full-strength all-in flying-eagle whack into a road sign. Ow, even by Hell o' the North standards--hope you're okay, Offredo, and compliments to one heck of a hard-man for even getting back up so quickly!

6. He's Baaaaaa-aaaaaack (well, "Backish") Prize: yes, I was darned proud of Chavanel and Phinney, but then, they never had anyplace to come back from in the first place. Thor Hushovd, you're still mostly living down to everyone's worst expectations this season--but it was certainly nice to see you in the second chase group, perhaps it bodes well for much more!

7. Well, At Least It Wasn't Boring Award: last but not least for this year's Paris-Roubaix, I must humbly tip my hat to Fabian Cancellara--unlike Flanders, where we could've all just taken a nap the last hour, even Spartacus had so much on his hands the whole race he just plain fell over after the line. Nicely done--now someone bring that boy a proper pillow and blanket, he's earned it!

You *Suck* UCI and Pat "Dick" McQuaid!: and, lest I depart today's post without the most important news: look how you've destroyed my glorious beloved Euskaltel-Euskadi with your stupid domestique-screwing ridiculous "points" system--not only are they gonna apparently be winless til the Giro because you've stripped them of half the power that made them the peerless peloton climbing machines they so wonderfully were, one of the junior jackwagons that displaced guys like the smashing Amets Txurruka has turned up positive! *Dammit*, you petty loathesome abacus-crunchin' numbers-slurpin' soul-missing bureaucrats--shouldn't this little snake have been slithering around in someone *else's* colors this season instead?

It's Paris-Roubaix, Baby!; and, What Is This, International Treat Women In Cycling Like !@#$ Week?

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 13:30:00 +0000

Welcome to Hell (of the North)!: What is it: Cobbles, baby! Twenty-seven sections and 52.6 kilometers of treacherous, uneven, spine-rattling, pile-up-inducing, damn near mocking blocks o' agony. And no, they're not as steep as Flanders, and no, they still ain't any more merciful. This ain't no pansy-!@# skip through a daisy-spangled meadow, honey, so enjoy--if you're not ridin' 'em!

Why You Should Watch It: Pain. Suffering. Grit. Bike handling. Power. Save pure climbing, it epitomizes virtually everything that is magnificent about this sport into a single fateful day. If you win Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you *finish* Roubaix, you know you're one of the best cyclists who ever lived. Hell, if you crash out and break a baker's dozen o' bones at Roubaix, you know you're one of the be...

Who to Watch For: yes, yes, a pissed-off, twice-crashed Cancellara, but also 2011 champ Vansummmeren, ever-dreamer pin-up Pippo Pozzato, and, well, almost anyone else in the race from Belgium. And maybe the race *will* be a giveaway, if no-one's willing to work together to defeat Fabian. But it's Paris-Roubaix, and anything can happen. Your bike could spontaneously splinter. Your legs could freeze up. Your collarbone could explode into a pile o' pulverized bone-bits. You could get face-wrapped by a wind-whipped Flemish flag. Or you could have the best day ever of your life on a bike, and *still* not win. Me, I'd love, love, love for the fabulous, luckless Sylvain "See? The French Don't All Suck!" Chavanel to get it (shut up, I know he's most likely to podium, shut up!). And I actually like that wily s.o.b. Flecha, too, though sure, Vacansoleil's ignoring the whole Op Puerto thing til after the finish line's pretty skeevy. Forza, forza Sylvain--heck, Boonen can't stomp it this year, so it might as well be you!

What the !@#$ Is Wrong With You Freaks?: first, a pointlessly ornamental podium babe gets grabbed by freshman wanker frat-boy Sagan. Now, the women's five-stage Energiewacht Tour gets screwed for an entire day by giant trucks riding the course, race-stopping boat and train passages, and crap directions to the !@#-end of nowhere. Jaysus, can things *get* any worse for women in this sport this week?--now up their pay, fix the problems, and treat 'em with some damn dignity whydontcha! Here, Kirsten Wild *still* manages to pluck a win:

Cancellara Gets a Boo-Boo! Baby Schleck Gets a Break! Purito Rodriguez Gets a Grip!

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:26:00 +0000

Prijs Release Me, Let Me Go: man, crap luck today for Spartacus today at his training ride at Scheldenprijs, as Fabian Cancellara goes down (tho' luckily not bone-snappin'ly hard) and whangs the hell outta his posterior and side--hardly, as his team glumly notes, ideal prep for Paris-Roubaix. Well, at least you won't be home on your couch with a pile o' nachos watching "Dr. Phil" and pretending the race isn't on, like our poor soul-smooshed Tom Boonen--get well fast, Fabian, but for heck's sake try something new to liven up the race this weekend!

Freebird!: in *good* news, Andy "Linus" Schleck has almost got his security blanket back: big bro Frank's suspension for the banned diuretic he thoughtlessly scarfed for his severe menstrual cramps is officially up mid-July. Andy, we all know that, optimistic musings to the contrary, you cannot ride for !@#$ without Frank there to snuggle you along. There's no shame in that--unless, well, you compare yourself to Contador, Rodriguez, Froome or Nibali. So why not just be honest with yourself, wait 'til Frank's free for the Vuelta, and ride that one instead? Plus, it gives you an extra month to get over your lingering (and certainly understandable) post-crash willies, and how can that not help? Note to Frank: try a hot toddy a bowl of ice cream and a chick flick next time--*don't* !@#$ over your little brother again!

Finally, many thanks to inevitable (damn, I've cursed him!) Tour de France podium finisher Purito Rodriguez, who, unlike Cadel, has wisely decided to skip this year's Giro d'Italia after all, leaving it to that Heras'-Vuelta-thieving weasel/former Giro champ Denis Menchov to sully its pure and beautiful roads as Purito focuses on France instead. For any of you other clowns still considering the perfect Giro as training for the Tour, (1) how dare you use the perfect Giro for anything other than a holy tribute to its own glorious self, you cultureless classless goons and (2) enjoy staring right up the !@# of the day's lanterne rouge once you hit the mountains come July, eejits!

It's the Vuelta a Pais Vasco!; and, For !@#$'s Sake, "Buttgate"

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 01:14:00 +0000

Hey, It's the Tour of the Misogynist Little !@#$!--Uh, Flanders: yep, leave it Peter Sagan to overshadow Fabian Cancellara's win (however dull) at the venerable Tour of Flanders on Sunday: Sagan's pigfest podium ass-grab, and resulting shotgun-apologies (including a wholly lame tweet and sorta-improved regret video), have taken the cycling world and heck even the normal media by storm, as the international comment-n-twit-sphere seems actually somewhat divided between "eh, big deal" and "yes, big deal!" Still, even the offended podium attendee, Maja Leye,magnanimously took the high road in chastising Sagan, noting, in what is either a sincere mistranslation of the word for "apology" or an entirely delicious dope-smack, "excuses accepted." Am I on drugs, or do I just keep missing the footage where the female cyclists pinch a butt's-worth of the local dignitary giving them *their* trophies? Now keep groveling, Peter, and be glad if she lets you up off your knees with your nuts intact or we let you up to ride the Ardennes! Here, some video of the women's race, !@#dammit:

Hey, It's the Tour of the Basque Country!: meanwhile, in *race* news, Contador, Porte, Tejay, and we love Samuel Sanchez (bite me! dear Euskaltel's just warming up! stuff it!) faced off today at the beautiful Vuelta a Pais Vasco, with Euskaltel crushing me spiritually by failing to ride towards the front and getting caught behind a crash *again*, but fortunately, however, their redemption still to come in the upcoming mountain stages. I SAID, THEIR REDEMPTION STILL TO COME IN THE MOUNTAIN STAGES! DID YOU HEAR ME, EUSKALTEL? I SAID...

Tejay, Way Classier Act Than He Needs To Be: and, as Cadel Evans seemed to be already conceding defeat at the 2013 Tour by announcing he'll ride the Giro as well--what the hell is it with all the GC guys thinking this stupidity this year?--indispensable lieutenant Tejay Van Garderen almost immediately chimed in by gamely affirming he's only in it to support Cadel for the win. Jeez, Wiggo, you might want to find out what Cadel's doing so right with this kid--unless you *want* Chris "The Anti-Tejay" Froome to keep trying to bushwhack you again this year!

It's Flanders, Baby!--Has Ever a Race So Beautiful Become So Snoozy?

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 14:15:00 +0000

Can we get to the point? This circuit !@#$ and skipping the Muur just sucks. Why not just let the peloton have a nice relaxing brunch the first 5 hours then start from 20k out? Anyway, it is still Flanders, so let's recap:

1. !@#$!: Tom Boonen down, stitches impending, and his Classics totally !@$#ed at 30K. Despite the fact that I was rooting for Boonen anyway after his crap season-so-far, and 80% of Boonen is still 120% of anyone else, am I the only one thinking that the Classics just ain't the Classics if Tom and Fabian can't slug it out in full form? Here, Belgium breaks its heart:

2. Notable Mechanicals: Rear wheel puncture for Fabian at 53k out. Flecha mechancial at 34k. Really, is that gonna take either one of 'em out?

3. Yep, It's Flanders All Right: walkin' on the Koppenburg.

4. The End is Near: Fabian and Sagan are marking at 34k! Argy-bargy at the foot of the Kwaremont! Roelandts ditches Hinault at 18K! Chavanel falling back!

5. Okay, You Can Turn Off the TV Now: Cancellara jumps again as Sagan hits the hurt locker at 17k! All over at 13k as Sagan and Roelandts settle for a slugfest for second.

6. Vooooos!: yep, it's Marianne Vos for the women. Damn, does she even need a bike to ride on--that woman could just win races walking and pickin' daises!

Well, that's what you missed, unless seeing Fabian Cancellara--who is brilliant, yap yap yap--pull the same one-length-and-he's-gone trick can keep you entertained for every race on the planet. Me, not so much. Bring on Roubaix, and for God's sake, some other freakin' tactic!

Peter Sagan vs. Mark Cavendish: Yer Handy Primer

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 01:50:00 +0000

Okay folks, there's been a loooottta flashy ridin' lately and a looooottta fan fightin' over who reigns supreme, upstart young Slovak Peter "Pop-a-Wheelie" Sagan or less upstart but still young Brit Mark "Colgate" Cavendish. And frankly, between the sprinterly arrogance, lightning-fast finishes and whack-job victory salutes, it's sometimes hard to tell who's who. So who are they, and who's the bitchinest of them all? Here, Yer Handy Racejunkie Primer:

Early History: Sagan: junior world mountain bike champ. Cav: gold-medal world madison champ trackie. And yes, they both rode everything else, too. Mountain bike's more beery 'n' fun, but track's just wicked cool. Advantage: Cavendish.

Palmares: Sagan: this year's Gent, possibly Sunday's Flanders, 5 stages and the green jersey at last year's Tour, points classification in basically everything else last year, too. Cav: 2011 world road champ, Milano-Sanremo, a mind-boggling couple dozen stages at the Tour de France, points classifications in the Tour and, miraculously, the fabulous Vuelta. Yes, Sagan's younger, but boy--you've got some more work to do!

Nickname: Sagan: the "Terminator." True, to be sure, but holy crap is that overused, and his sponsor should still be thwapped for that obnoxious green bike last year. Cav: the "Manx Missile." Cav takes it by a landslide!

Victory Salute: Cav: a clean, straightforward, chest-thumping, finger-flippin' "screw you!" Sagan: a masterpiece of arcane movie gestures, crowd-pleasing showmanship, and just plain goofy joy. Sagan, you charmer--sure, your elders are miffed, but then, they're jealous of you, too!

Strengths: Sagan: jack of all trades, master of...well, it's still a little too soon to tell where he's gonna really go, right? Cav: undisputed fastest man on two wheels in a pure sprint. Cav 'til Sagan gets a little more experience!

Weaknesses: Sagan: uh...I dunno...he's too darn big to be a Sastre-esque pure climber? Cav: can't climb for !@#$, but man, does he ever stick it out. Cav, we'll see if he out-chokes you at something!

Team: didja know Sagan's a Quick Step reject? Well, I didn't, you insufferable bike-stat snotwad! Lookin' a little green there, Lefevere? Anyway: Sagan's the better natural Classics rider, but Cav's got the better Classics squad. Sagan wins on the smashing Liquigas (Cannondale, whatever) team kit, which is almost as garish as he is, but Cav's already smacked his new Quick Step minions into a solid lead-out. Me, I love any team that's got Chavanel and Boonen, and Cannondale's still pissing me off for losing Nibali. Toss up!

Team Camp: sure, Liquigas is admirably sadistic, but it was Quick Step that had Cav and everyone else go special-ops Rambo on everyone's !@# this year. Drop and give me 20, Sagan you punk!

Argy-Bargy: there's still some debate about whether Sagan's De Panne win the other day was a bit of a punk-!@# move for changing his line, but did you know Cav once single-handedly flung Tyler Farrar over the border into the Spain by grabbing his bike jersey with his teeth? Yup, they still haven't found 'im! Gotta give Cav management points for delegating half his dirty work to his domestique goons, though. Sagan wins for cleanliness!

Smack-Talk: Sagan is relentlessly, heck, almost freakishly, polite. Cav, on the other hand, will not only blame the weather, the announcer, the race moto, and the other squads failure to support 'im for his loss, but will publicly rip into his own teammates to boot. Wait, do we give this to the diplomat, or the !@#$-you guy?

Eye-Candy Quotient: oh, gimme a break, you smug little purists--you think Mario "the Chest" Cipollini made his career on results alone? On this, I defer to my loyal reader(s). 'Cause it's not like you all hadn't thunk about it anyway!

Well, them's my assessment, and honestly, I'm surprised how Cav's more'n held his own against the Sagan hype machine. So slug it out on the road, boys, and let's see who earns the vulgar victory display at the end of the season!

It's the Abominable SnowClassics!; and, Baby Schleck on an Upswing

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 01:01:00 +0000

Watch Out, Big Boys!: well, if there was any doubt that Peter Sagan was ready to win a big race, presumptive Classics kings BMC Quick Step and (thanks to Fabian) RadioSkank are scared straight now: the boy not only had the strength, but even seems to be developing a little tactical sense this week, to take a snow-snapped Gent-Wevelgem. Speaking of which, am I the only one totally pissed at how Thor Hushovd's going this season? Time to earn your damn paycheck o "God o' Thunder!" As for Tommeke, it looks his 2012 win streak has totally gobsmacked him out of any luck whatsoever this season. Dagnabit! Of course, the Terminator finished off in grand style, this time wielding an imaginary lasso and popping a trademark wheelie across the line. Sure, he's cocky--but doesn't it still make you want to smack him a lot less than when Contador pulls that "Pistolero" crap? Here, poor Tom:

Woo-hoo, He's Saved!: meanwhile, just as I was about to drop a bucketload o' mercy and resolve a Voluntary Rider Insult Moratorium on sad-sack bar-fly Andy Schleck until he finished a race, he *did* finish one this weekend by golly, coming in a respectable 57th out of 60 at Criterium International at only 22 plus minutes back. Start quakin', Alberto--after all, you're the one knocked out with the sniffles this weekend! However, I really do wish him a total physical and mental recovery for July. But it ain't still gonna help if you don't learn to descend and time trial, Andy!

Et Tu, Wiggo?: thinking of Chris Froome, who took the stage and GC from teammate Richie Porte at Criterium International on the last day, am I the only one thinkin' that Brad Wiggins actively wants to !@#$ over Froomey at the Tour by saying he now plans to ride the Vuelta as well as the Giro? Sure, Wiggins, he maybe tried to pull a Cunego to your Simoni at the Tour de France--with a ton of ungracious whinging at that--but you still couldn't surpass 'im with this year's parcours so why be a bitch about it? Either help or stay home, and just upstage 'im in France with your rock-band entourage or somethin' instead!

Boonen Goes Bull!@#$! Sagan Eats Pie! Phinney Phreezes! And, Wiggo Wants Whup-!@#

noreply@blogger.com (racejunkie) — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 19:22:00 +0000

Uh, Aren't the Belgians Supposed to *Like* This Slop?: well, that was one smashing start for African cycling, as big Maggy Backstedt calls it early for the brand-new MTN-Qhubeka's sprint-stud Gerald Ciolek, powering around nicely as Sagan over-marked Chavanel to lose the top spot, and Chavanel himself provided, for my money, by far the most aggressive and entertaining ride of the race. But of course, the big news of the day--because it sure wasn't the podium--was the near-blizzard conditions that forced the Italians to cut off the race's Turchio climb but still left the peloton, even after their team-bus lay-off warm-up, in a severe state of soaked, miserable, decimated, pissed-off Popsicle. An extremely ticked Tommeke, as he bailed out at the break: "I think my decision says enough.This is partly a precaution, but also a statement to the organization. They knew long enough that there was so much snow on the road. What happens now is the fault of the organization's own fault. Have you ever wanted to bicycle through the snow ridden? There are nicer things than this. I'm completely frozen." Other casualties: Vincenzo Nibali, Matthew Goss, and, well, pretty much everyone from Spain. Stickin' it out: Mark Cavendish for heck's sake, who simply tweeted "Fucking.Freezing." and *still* came in strong in the chase group. Right on Cav! Here, Taylor Phinney coated in ice, and a cheerful Sagan with his pie:
And, the last 3k:

There's Always Tomorrow/For Dreams To Come True: but wait, there's more--it's the fabulous Volta a Catalunya starting tomorrow, baby, and it's really all about the pre-Giro showdown between we love modest Canadian defending champ Ryder Hesjedal, Brad "I Hate Being Famous! Wait, Where's the Paparazzi Going?" Wiggins, and Tour rivals Rodriguez and Valverde. Also in: controversial returning Lance-yappin' Garmin ban-ees Van de Velde, Zabriskie, and Danielson. Me, I'm just gonna be smug as hell when dear Euskaltel finally grabs their first win of the season (go to hell! are too! it's been cold out!). And come on Cadel, you can do this--time to show some form already!